Welcome to From Insults To Respect.
Today, I present a brief story that asks the question, How would someone people respect handle the challenging situation of racial discrimination? The story is an abbreviated section from my novel, Fights In The Streets, Tears In The Sand. The story’s setting, 1965, Brooklyn’s lower middle class section of Brighton Beach. Jeff Star, one of the two major character’s of the novel and its narrator has begun his first day at Lincoln High, and he begins to hear about a classmate some students refer to as “Cool Steve.”
The Story
After English, I’m heading to Biology and some guy behind me says to someone next to him, “Hey, Cool Steve’s in my health class!”
“Wow, Cool Steve! Really!?”
“Yeah! He sat right next to me.”
“Damn! Hey, tell him I say hi.”
There’s an excitement that accompanies this dialogue that somehow has me going, hmmm.
I go to Math and as I’m entering the room, I spot an old friend from Brighton Beach—Leroy Wilson. We recently had lost touch with each other because my family, when I was twelve, had moved from Brighton to Bensonhurst when my mom remarried. Leroy and I got together a few times after that, but after a bloody incident at a car repair shop that involved a close friend of mine, his mother wouldn’t let him have anything to do with me. I didn’t expect to run into Leroy at Lincoln. He and a few of the other kids my age who I knew from Brighton had always gone to either a Catholic school or a Yeshiva.
It was Leroy who had taught me to play the guitar. Man, we were really driven back when we were twelve and thirteen with this dream of becoming the greatest rock ‘n’ rollers ever. And when we would get a song down just right it was a wild thrill beyond compare—lightning and sparks everywhere. So, when I first see Leroy, I smile. But then it hits me. Leroy is black. In Boody Junior High, if any white kid was to be nice to a black kid, he would have been taunted.
How would the white kids at Lincoln react if they learn I have a black friend? Over ninety percent of the guys at Lincoln are white. I should be siding with whites, the more powerful group, the majority. Crap, he’s gonna blow my cover.
“Jeff! How’s ya old self doin’?” cries Leroy as he spots me.
I look up into Leroy’s eyes and then down at the wood classroom floor—my heart racing. Quickly, I move to an available seat that’s surrounded by seats other students are already sitting in. I avoid looking at Leroy, but I can feel him looking at me. All through class my eyes avoid his, but my heart grapples with his presence. When the period ends, I race out of class.
One more class to get through before I can head home for the day. In the hall, with hundreds of students racing by, and a couple of guys bumping into me, I check my program card—Social Studies, Room 316. I have to go up a flight of stairs. I look around for a stairwell. There’s one, down the hall. How could I treat Leroy like that? Leroy’s dark confused eyes flash before me.
“I’m Mr. Lofton,” announces a heavy-set, fortyish-aged teacher. “Welcome. Today we’re going to review some of the major news events of the summer. Then, later in the school year, we will be connecting our social studies lessons with these and other current events. I have some newspaper clippings here. As I read them, I want to get your reactions.
“Crime at highest level ever,” cries Mr. Lofton. “Latest statistics indicate 13 percent increase. When I was a boy, we used to camp out in Central Park. Now you’d be crazy to go there at night.”
I think about the newspaper story I read last week of Coney Island boys who were stabbed.
“Ignoring Nazi pickets and bomb threats, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King moved into Washington’s ghettoes and told crowds of his admirers that economic freedom is the new cry of the civil rights movement. A dozen brown shirted American Nazis picketed with signs saying, ‘America for whites, Africa for blacks.’”
Man, how I treated Leroy. Am I turning into a Nazi? Leroy’s dark confused eyes. An image of an exhilarating scene of us playing “Johnny B. Goode.” Am I turning into a jerk to be respected?
After school, I walk to Rocco’s Pizzeria over on Brighton Beach Avenue. Rocco is shoveling a new pie out of his large steel oven. I take in deeply the familiar aroma of baking dough, oregano, cheese, and Rocco’s underarms.
With a slice and Coke in hand, I discover none of the tables are empty. At one of them is this guy Brainy George Beck sitting by himself with his blond hair looking like it hadn’t been combed in months. I had noticed him earlier in the day in my gym class and he sat at my lunch table. “How come they call him Brainy George?” I had asked one of the guys in gym.
“Da guy’s a freakin’ genius,” came the reply.
With nowhere else to sit, I ask if he’d mind if I sit across from him. He looks up with these large thick glasses and nods his okay. “You were in gym today and at our lunch table,” he says as I sit down.
“Yeah.”
“I hate gym.”
“You do?”
“Can’t stand it—all the retards trying to prove they’re Mr. Atlas.”
“Hmmmm.” Personally, gym is a whole lot better than the rest of the garbage we gotta take at school. “What junior high did you go to?” I ask.
“Cunningham.”
“That’s the same junior high as this kid some are calling Cool Steve. I guess ya don’t think much of him since he’s inta sports.”
Oh, you mean Steve Marino? Steve’s different than the guys I’m talking about.”
“Izzat so?”
“Yeah. I respect Steve because, well, first of all, he’s not one of those idiots who picks on me because I can’t run as fast as the other guys. And I like the way he’s gutsy. He’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. And it’s the way he carries himself… the way he moves. I… I just have a lot of respect for Steve.”
Hmmm. Well, being gutsy shouldn’t be too hard, I think to myself. Hell, I was gutsy enough to get in lots of fights in my old school. But I don’t quite know what to make of this stuff about the way Steve moves.
When I get home, I go into my bedroom, sit on my bed, pick up my guitar and start to slide my fingers across the strings. Then I find my fingers playing a little piece that my former black friend, Leroy had taught me. It begins with a sort of angry, rough part, but closes with a gentle refrain. As I play, I imagine Leroy playing along, just like the old days. We start to kick it up, jamming up a storm, reelin’ and rockin’ all night long! And then that image of his dark eyes returns to me—how they looked in class—confused, hurt. I wonder, How would this Cool Steve handle this?
* * *
Good Question. The search for the answer is a story for another day. For now, I’m asking my readers who have the courage to propose their answers.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
As you might imagine, people who are viewed as wise tend to be more respected than people who are viewed as foolish. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few suggestions for improving our wisdom.
“Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view. What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”
So, when deciding whether to acquiesce to the opinions of others, remaining silent, or taking up the challenge of presenting your alternative views, consider the wisdom of first assessing if the person you are interacting with has an “open minded” or “close minded” personality.
Therefore, when with people you don’t yet know whether or not they are open minded and you hear them express an opinion with which you disagree, you might want to first assess where they are on this open minded-close minded continuum. This can be easily done by you by first summarizing their opinion, showing an interest by asking a few clarifying questions, and then saying something like, “I heard a different opinion about this topic, and I’d like to get your reaction.” Then, after briefly describing the alternative view, see if the person indicates an openness to discuss this. If he or she starts to get defensive by saying something like, “That’s stupid,” and, “Only idiots think that way,” it may be wise to take the discussion no further.
Notice that with this approach, you don’t initially claim that the alternative position is correct, or that it is something you firmly believe, thus avoiding leading people you are talking with to feel you have attacked them for their belief.
In many social situations, if you find that you don’t enjoy them, it is a simple matter to avoid them in the future. Not so in many workplace situations, or at school where attending is mandatory. Also, when invited to a social party, you may want to keep getting invited to future parties with these folks even if some of the attendees are not your cup of tea. This may be so because you enjoy most of the attendees, or your regular participation at attending provides valuable information about what is going on in the neighborhood.
Then, over the next few days, search on the internet, or go to the library to find some well thought out views on each of the topics by some respected writers. Seek to find some great writers who have different views on the same topic.
When this research is complete to your satisfaction, write out what you want to say about the topic with an eye of balancing short term and long term goals, and how different situations might call for different approaches. Your opening paragraph is best framed as something you can say in a couple of minutes. Finally, have someone you respect critique what you wrote. By doing this, your comments at your social gathering will tend to be far wiser than if you just jump into expressing your opinion without utilizing this technique.
When you do provide your opinion, begin by noting that you have found that different respected authorities have come to very different conclusions on this topic. Be prepared to be able to summarize these different views, but your opening statement is best kept to the one or two minute paragraph that you crafted when you wrote out your entire position, because typically people don’t appreciate a long lecture. If people you are talking with are really interested in delving into the topic, they will make some reply, perhaps presenting an alternative view.
After giving others an ample opportunity to comment, you can then provide more of your opinion in a two or three minute segment. Then, once again, let others respond, and continue in this give and take manner. Present your own conclusions in a humble, tentative manner, while remaining open to hearing critiques of what you offer. Avoid, getting defensive, and if someone raises a good point that you have not yet considered, reply humbly with a statement such as, “I think there is some merit in what you have said.” Then summarize it, and say, “I’d like to give this some thought and then I’ll get back to you.”
Wisdom is a prized characteristic. Avoiding angering close minded people for no substantially good reason is one technique that can raise the estimate of your wisdom. Utilizing the “Summarize and Delay” technique will not only increase how others view your wisdom, it may also very well actually increase your wisdom. In your discussion, avoid coming off like you are trying to humiliate those with different views. Rather, empathize with them, and above all, be kind.
When I called on him, he said, “Dr. Rubin, how would you resolve this? This here Tina (he points to her) and I were dating, and now I decided to end it. I’m seeing another girl. But Tina, she keeps calling me even though I told her to stop.”
But seeing the emotional reaction of Tina, and noticing the escalation of feelings that were being expressed by others in the classroom, I quickly explained to the students that it is usually best to work these types of conflicts out in private. I offered to meet Tony separately, and then Tina, and then, if they both agreed, I would meet with both of them together without the rest of the class watching on. I then asked the rest of the class why this might be the best way to work this out.
They suggest that people are more likely to escalate an argument into a fight when spectators are around (see, for example, “Impression Management and the Escalation of Aggression and Violence,” R. B. Felson, Social Psychology Review, 1982). There are, of course, exceptions to this. For example, if two people agree to have a third party mediator help to resolve a conflict, the presence of the mediator tends to reduce subsequent aggression. 
And in a courtroom, the public has a right to observe the legal proceedings involving certain conflicts for a number of valid reasons. To protect everyone in this process, there are courtroom officials on hand that help to assure that disagreements don’t escalate to violence. Moreover, if the presiding judge sees audience members interfering with the legal process, he or she can order them removed by trained security personnel.
As my classroom discussion continued, it became clear to me that the topic raises four relevant questions worth thinking about:
In my opinion, usually as soon as you recognize that some tension is beginning to surface, it’s time to ask for a private meeting. I say this because even if you think you can tolerate the tension, others around you may not. In many situations, in addition to the participants in the conflict beginning to feel uncomfortable with what is going on, others are also feeling roughed up. People may feel as if they are walking on egg shells in the presence of the antagonists.
In a business environment, this can create a hostile work environment for the other employees not directly involved in the conflict. Many supervisors are trained to intervene in such situations in order to put a stop to this, and for some, they hate this part of their job. Thus, they may just choose to get rid of one or both of the antagonists. Additionally, some supervisors may be less inclined to promote employees that can’t get along with one another.
In a school setting, it also usually makes sense for a student to seek to work out a conflict with another student as quickly as possible. As in the business setting, in addition to the two antagonists in the conflict being affected by the mounting stress, other students can start to feel uncomfortable. For example, one party in the conflict might say something to the other party, and when this is overheard by others, some may be torn between two friends. 
Sometime one of the two parties may insult the other who is a relative of the insulted party. Before long, the whole school climate can be adversely affected.
However, in my opinion, the ideal place is a semi-private place such as a coffee shop or fast food restaurant that is unlikely to have present anyone either party knows, and at a time when the place would be relatively quiet. In such places, you can find a seat that if you speak softly you are unlikely to be overheard. And even if you are overheard, it is very unlikely to really matter.
Now, I understand that for high school students, setting up a meeting in an ideal place might not be possible. Many students live far from a convenient meeting place. If there is no public transportation available, setting up a phone conversation might be your best option.
Looking directly into Jill’s eyes, say, “I’m beginning to feel some tension between us, Jill.” Then pause, to see and hear how Jill reacts. Listen carefully, and look like you are listening carefully, by looking up to her eyes from time to time. 
When she appears to be finished, summarize what she has said without trying to defend yourself in any way. Then pause to see if she wants to add anything more or to correct something you said in your summary. Then say, “I think I understand, Jill. Listen, not only am I concerned about what feels to me like tension between us, but the others around us are going to start to feel pretty uncomfortable about it as well. That’s not good for them, and for a number of reasons it’s not good for either of us. So, I think it makes sense that we discuss this fully in private.” Then tell her where and when you want to meet.
This can be done in a couple of minutes by calling Jill over to a relatively quiet area and speaking softly. If Jill refuses to meet with you, let her know that that is her choice. Then, just end by saying softly that you hope she thinks about the concern you raised and let her know that you hope she changes her mind about meeting to discuss this.
I suggest writing out a statement in advance describing the situation in your own words. If there is someone you respect that is not involved in any way with what is going on between you and the other party, consider showing that person what you have written. Then have a discussion about the situation with this respected person.
Above all else, you want to give the impression that you are a good listener. This involves looking, from time to time, into the eyes of the other party and summarizing what he or she says.
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
