Welcome to From Insults To Respect.
On this blog, every now and then, I present a little section from one of my three Cool Steve novels—A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, Fights In The Streets, Tears In The Sand, and Love, Sex and Respect. It is my hope each of these sections will provide an opportunity to deepen our thoughts regarding the nature of respect.
Today’s section is from Love, Sex and Respect, and presents a discussion that occurs during an evening on a Coney Island beach with insecure Jeff Star, and his fellow Lincoln High School students, Cool Steve, and Ray Wong.
“Hey, Jeff,” says Ray, “you look lost somewhere way up by that twinkling star.”
“Oh, I was just thinking about that Jiminy Cricket song, you know the one–oh it goes–‘When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires, will come true.'”
Ray and Steve smile.
Hey Ray,” I say, “if you could, by wishing for something make it come true, what do you think you’d wish for?”
“I guess… well, to see my mom again. I barely knew her when she died of cancer.”
“Seeing your mom again,” I say. “Hmmm. Okay. Steve, how about you? What would you wish for?”
“A cure for everything, peace on Earth, stuff like that I suppose.”
“Yeah, Yeah,” I say. “Let’s hear something more personal.”
“I don’t know. Well, ever since I remember, I wished I would someday be the next great Yankee centerfielder. Anyway what about you, Jeff? What do you think you’d wish for?”
“Hmmm. I remember when I first entered Lincoln I wanted to be respected. In Boody Junior High, I had made all of these enemies and I had this burning desire to turn my life around.”
“Well, your wish came true,” says Steve. I bet if you asked the average Joes or Jills at Lincoln if they respect you, they’d say, ‘Yeah. He’s okay.'”
“Maybe a little,” I say, “but I don’t think they really, really respect me.”
“If you want someone to respect you,” says Ray, “all you gotta do is treat them with respect.”
“Hmmm, maybe that’s part of it,” I say.
“What are you after, Jeff,” asks Steve, “a critical analysis of how you can be more respected then you currently are?”
“Something like that might be helpful,” I reply.
“How about complementing people from time to time?” Steve asks grinning. “I’ve noticed you rarely ever pat anyone on the back, Jeff.”
“What?! I do so! I can’t believe you just said that! I’m always complimenting people!” As these words spring from my lips, I notice anger spilling from me like lava from a volcano.
Some awkward seconds go by with my lips squeezed together and then I say: “Ya know, I came down here to try to find some peace and then you go ahead and say something like that. I went 0 for 4 in yesterday’s baseball game. I was feeling rotten, and when I was finally calming down, and now this!”
“Sorry,” says Steve.
“Ray,” I say, “don’t I compliment people?”
“Well, I’ve certainly heard you compliment people. Just a hair more compliments would be nice. I wouldn’t want you to be obsequious about it.”
“Obsequious!” cries Steve. “Man! If I would use that word with my lunch table crowd, they’d lynch me to the highest limb.”
“Well,” says Ray, “what I mean is we don’t want Jeff to end up overdoing the compliments. That would be just as bad as too little.”
“There.” says Steve, “It’s settled then. Jeff, you gotta compliment a little more, but not too much. Ray, in some settings, depending on who you’re speaking to, you might want to go easy on your highfalutin words. How about me? What do you think I can improve on?”
“Well, for one thing,” I reply, “you could learn to cut out the ridiculous criticism, especially when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You know,” says Ray, “there’s an old saying, Jeff, that if you want people to respect you for your wisdom, all you gotta do is agree with everything they tell you. Is that the kind of respect you want from us?”
“I’m not saying that!” I holler.
A seagull walking by on the sand a few yards away starts screeching, as if mocking me. I flash a glare at it. With its pointed beak, it rearranges a few feathers and then takes to flight.
I resume gazing up at the heavens. The stars are becoming more distinct. With a few deep breaths, calmness begins to settle in. Maybe there is some merit to what Steve and Ray had said. And, unlike seagulls, I would mind if Steve and Ray took to flight.
“A lot of people respect Sandy,” says Steve after a while, “because when they have something to say to her, she has a way of listening, and she seems to really care about what’s going on in your life. And she’s quick to offer to help in some way. I bet that has something to do with respect.”
“Respect,” says Ray. “You know, when I was in junior high, kids would tease me because I’m Chinese and a little different. I lost a lot of respect for them. I guess if you want people to respect you, maybe you shouldn’t tease them.”
“Well,” says Steve, “a little teasing may be okay if you do it with a twinkle in your eyes… I mean, as long as you’re prepared to back off and apologize if your teasing hits a sensitive spot.”
“Depends on the person you’re teasing,” Ray replies.
“I guess,” says Steve. “Some people are so sensitive whenever they get teased, maybe with them you’re better off not teasing them at all.”
After some reflection, Ray says, “I suppose some mature, respected people enjoy some teasing as the friendly dual of wits gets played out, but mature people have a sensitivity within them so they aren’t looking to hurt anyone in the dual. Anyway, Jeff, I agree with Steve. I think most people respect you.”
“Thanks,” I say. But as I say thanks, I begin to think maybe I have a little more I can do in this regard.
Well, that’s my post for today. I hope you find it provides a little food for thought.
My Best,
Jeff
———————————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Jack: I’d say conceited means being full of yourself or arrogant. When the word conceited is used I feel it’s usually used to describe someone in a negative way – possibly based in the person acting like they’re better than other people rather than just feeling self-confident which would be a more positive or neutral quality.
I am thankful to God for this approval of the people. But while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one; but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
On this blog, we have been exploring the various characteristics that help people earn self-respect and respect from others. Today we focus on one of these–staying in physical and emotional shape by taking a daily walk. It is, of course, true enough that some good people have earned an enormous amount of respect even without bothering to stay fit, but let’s not have such cases deter us from at least considering the value of enhancing our respectability by engaging regularly in this financially free activity.
Just this past week the 
Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour, and you will have to forgive me if I sound a little out of breath. I just got back from my morning constitutional. A good walk is important for both body and soul. 
Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.” Aldous Huxley said his father considered a walk among the mountains the equivalent of church going. And the father of democracy, Thomas Jefferson, was known to say, “Of all exercises walking is the best.” 
All the world, and all through history, people have known the benefits and joys of walking. So today we’ll be walking on the air, but we will not be walking on eggshells. If you’re walking the dog, or you can walk on water, or walk on clouds, or walk in rhythm, or just walk and not look back, you are going to enjoy the next hour as we play a musical accompaniment to your perambulations. So, get ready to walk the walk, and talk the talk.
Immediately after this delightful intro, Bob plays us a Jack Scott rockabilly song called “The Way He Walks.” There’s some fine harmonizing on this one.
The average person takes between 8,000 and 10,000 steps a day, and walks about 115,000 miles in their lifetime. Wow, that’s more than four times around the world. 
And then he launches into a great hit by Fat’s Domino, “I’m Walkin.’” Here are some of the lyrics:
The next song Bob plays for us has a similar theme, “Walking by Myself” by Jimmie Rogers.
Interestingly, even if Andy deliberately tried to punish her by acting rude, if Marsha didn’t react by feeling humiliated or wounded, with the definition that I’m currently considering, I would say that he did not insult her.
“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.
“Well, Judy, I didn’t mean to be discourteous or rude. I certainly am not trying to do anything that tears you down–just the opposite.”
“Now, during my training on how to help people with this type of concern, I had professors who viewed themselves as developmental psychologists. These professors view people as going through different developmental stages or levels, moving from relatively immature levels to more mature levels. They didn’t merely name each level, they did their best to go beyond the name to describe each higher level so that people, if they chose to do so, could have enough information to make some life changes.
For example, one approach would have you stop reading my blog, and when you visit my office I’ll listen to you in a caring, supportive way. From time to time, I’ll ask you a few questions to challenge you to think more deeply about the issues that you are raising. When you reply, I won’t give you my opinion. Instead, I’ll listen and empathize with what you are experiencing.”
“All right, Judy. Another thing that we can try is this. Some people, when they are provided negative criticism, always feel insulted even when the criticism is provided without any name calling, insults and shouting. Other people, even when they are provided negative criticism with name calling, insults and shouting don’t feel insulted. Attempts to insult them are like water off of a duck’s back. These people can hear the negative criticism that comes with efforts to humiliate and wound their feelings, and they can seek to learn something from the criticism. Sometimes they do experience some strong emotions that arise when they hear the negative criticism, but this is experienced not as humiliation, but, instead, as an experience that helps them to come up with more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments. If you want, over the next few weeks we can work on this.”
As I write this post, Election Day, with all of its turbulence, has now passed us by. Perhaps now is a good time for us to take some deep calming breaths and reflect on all that transpired.
We knew beyond doubt that our president was an inveterate liar, a business cheat, and a bully, but the debate last week proved that he refuses to adhere to any rules, even those upon which he has himself agreed. Those who counted say he interrupted 71 times in 90 minutes. That should not come as a surprise, since he does not appear to respect any of the laws that everyone else is expected to obey, including our Constitution. Talk about a lack of law and order.
With regard to the environment issue, Trump has repeatedly claimed scientists are perpetuating a hoax when they tell us that urgent action is needed to transition from fossil fuels to renewable sources of energy such as wind and solar. My guess is that rather than really believing this is a hoax, Trump promoted it because of how crucial he viewed winning Pennsylvania was for his chances to be elected.
The Keystone State obtains huge economic benefits from its fracking industry, which is a technique that draws the fossil fuel of natural gas from deep below the Earth’s surface. To move forward on a transition plan threatens the livelihood of many state citizens, and consequently, anyone supporting such a plan risks losing a significant number of votes.
I will explain my reasons for this guess shortly, but let’s just pretend, for the benefit of this exercise, that it is true that Trump does respect science but his desire to hold onto the presidency is of greater importance to him. If you were convinced that Trump chose holding on to the presidency over protecting the health and safety of human beings by avoiding further damage to the environment, would that influence how much respect you have for him? How much would it influence you?
In the articles that I came upon in my search, much of the argument that claims Trump does not respect science comes from his statements that contradicted or undermined the pandemic recommendations from science experts within and outside his own administration. Also, in complete contradiction to scientific evidence, he has repeatedly told the American people that the end of the virus’s spread was just around the corner, and continued to do so even as it was increasingly plain to all that the virus was spreading at alarming rates. Nevertheless, as I indicated in the previous section, I doubt that these public statements of Trump are really indicative of his true feelings. Here’s why.
First of all, on Bob Woodward’s tape recordings, Trump repeatedly admitted, based on the information he received from his expert scientists, just how deadly and contagious the virus is. Thus, on February 7 he told Woodward the disease is “deadly stuff.” In an April 5 interview with Woodward, Trump explained, “It moves rapidly, Bob. It moves rapidly and viciously. If you’re the wrong person and if it gets you, your life is pretty much over if you’re in the wrong group.” During his April 13 interview with Woodward, Trump told the journalist that the virus is “so easily transmissible, you wouldn’t even believe it.”
With regard to his financial interests, it is well known that Trump is heavily invested in hotels around the world. When Trump heard about the pandemic from his advisors, when he asked about what needed to be done to contain it, he was told that the public has to stay home and only leave their homes for absolutely essential reasons. This is not at all good news for someone in Trump’s financial situation. And keep in mind, he has repeatedly faced bankruptcy, a pretty awful experience, especially for someone who hates the image of a loser.
Although Trump claims he has been playing down the seriousness of the virus because he doesn’t want to cause a panic, this is implausible. If he was in a reasonable state of mind, he would have known the general public would hear from plenty of experts an accurate account of the risks that are involved.
The most plausible reason to me is because many of his base supporters delight in claiming the news is fake. We see them at his rallies throwing up their arms in jubilation each time he mentions the “awful lying fake media.” Many of them, just like him, are in denial about the dangers of the pandemic because a full shut down of nonessential businesses has terrible consequences for their own businesses, and the thought of not partying at bars is, to them, completely unacceptable.
For this part of today’s exercise, I’d like you to rate Trump’s style of responding to criticism. To help guide you in coming up with your rating, below is one model that describes five different responding to criticism styles. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by a wide group of individuals who watched video recordings depicting different people displaying the five different styles.
Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without using any of the higher level skills
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.
For this part of today’s exercise, I’d like you to rate Trump’s style of providing criticism. As I did when I asked you to rate his style of responding to criticism, to help guide you in coming up with your rating, below is one model that describes five different styles placed in order from the least respected to the most respected.
Well, there you have it, an exercise designed to deepen your idea about the nature of respect. As I mentioned above, you are of course free to create your own conceptualization of respect according to your own lights. Nothing that I’ve said throughout this exercise is designed to be presented in a dogmatic fashion.