In an earlier post I provided readers with a parable that illustrates how to utilize the conflict resolution skill of “Summarize and Delay.” In the parable, both parties remained very serious throughout their interactions. We found that there was a satisfying outcome that came about as a result of the technique being used.

humor 4 Although remaining serious throughout a conflict has some merit, many people like to interject a little humor. Such a style raises some important considerations that we will explore in today’s “From Insults to Respect” post. We’ll go about exploring these considerations by first taking another look at the original parable, and then I’ll present it again, but with some humor thrown in. After discussing the different approaches illustrated in the two versions of the parable, we’ll discuss a few more examples of people using humor in conflict situations.

PARABLE OF KATE AND HER BOSS AS ORIGINALLY PRESENTED

Kate’s boss, Mr. Nelson, left for a week vacation in the Bahamas during a particularly busy time. When Mr. Nelson returned, he started to insult Kate because she and the rest of her team did not complete all that he had expected. Mr. Nelson’s tone of voice began to infuriate Kate.

Rather than explode, she had a well-rehearsed plan that she enacted. She managed to keep the expression on her face looking concerned about what her boss had to say. She recalled the DIG CONFLICT MODEL which uses the word DIG to remind her to dig to look for her boss’s desire, what happened that interfered with his desire, and what he thinks she is guilty of doing wrong.

When Mr. Nelson finished yelling, Kate replied, “You’re the boss, Mr. Nelson. It’s clear to me that you want us to accomplish more work while you are gone and this time it didn’t get done. You feel that we are guilty of letting you down. You deserve a thorough reply. After I discuss your concerns with the rest of my team and I have a few days to think this through, I’ll get back to you.”

“I want an answer now!” Mr. Nelson demanded.

“Sure boss, here’s the best answer I can offer you now—I don’t have a good answer now. I’m sorry I’m not ready with any helpful answer just yet. I will be ready to move this discussion forward within a week.” She then looked into Mr. Nelson’s eyes and said gently, “Please give me a little time.”

Mr. Nelson frowned, and then hollered, “I better have an answer in a week or else!”

“Thanks, Mr. Nelson,” Kate replied. “I’m sorry you are disappointed in us.” Then she left.

PARABLE DISCUSSION

As I explained earlier, this parable illustrates the “Summarize and Delay” skill. For Kate to express her anger at her boss while both she and her boss are frustrated could potentially silence him. It might also get her fired or decrease the chances of a promotion. By remaining polite, while also being firm, she demonstrates a respectful professional tone and buys herself time to consider the best way to respond to her boss in a more reasonable manner. It also gives herself and her boss some time to calm down. In a few days her boss might even apologize on his own for shouting at her.

Now, let’s go over the parable again, but this time we’ll have Kate interject a little humor by providing an Abraham Lincoln quote.

PARABLE OF KATE AND HER BOSS WITH SOME HUMOR THROWN INTO THE MIX

This time, when Kate’s boss, Mr. Nelson, returns from his vacation and starts to shout and throw insults at her, she again goes into her well-rehearsed plan. She manages to keep the expression on her face looking concerned about what her boss has to say.

When Mr. Nelson finishes yelling, Kate replies, by summarizing what he is angry about, and then says, “You deserve a thorough reply. After I discuss your concerns with the rest of my team and I have a few days to think this through, I’ll get back to you.”

“I want an answer now!” Mr. Nelson demanded.

“Sure boss, here’s the best answer I can offer you now—I don’t have a good answer now. I’m sorry I’m not ready with any helpful answer just yet. As Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.'” Then Kate provides a delightful smile. She notices a hint of a smile come to Mr. Nelson’s face. She then says, “I will be ready to move this discussion forward within a week, Sir.” She then looks into Mr. Nelson’s eyes and says gently, “Please give me a little time.”

Mr. Nelson says softly, “Please have an answer for me in a week.”

“Thanks, Mr. Nelson, I’m sorry you are disappointed in us.” Then Kate leaves.

PARABLE DISCUSSION

In the second version of the parable, why might the addition of Lincoln’s humorous quote be helpful toward resolving the conflict? Here’s a theory to consider. The anger that Mr. Nelson is experiencing has, in a sense, placed him on a train barreling in one direction, toward punishing Kate for what has occurred. When Kate presents the Lincoln quote and uses it to provide her an opportunity to provide a pleasant smile, it begins to slow the train down, then brings it to a halt, and then gives Mr. Nelson an opportunity to get off. Once off the anger train, he has an opportunity to look around at some other paths he could take besides the path the train had been taking him. Said another way, in contrast to being close minded, he becomes more open minded.

How does humor do this? As Kate begins to tell Lincoln’s humorous comment, it raises for Mr. Nelson, two concerns–Will he be able to figure out the point of the humorous comment, and is this comment designed to ridicule him? When he discovers that he has to figure out what the comment is meant to convey, and that the joke doesn’t put him down, but rather, it is Kate that is the target of the joke, he feels relieved, and this leads to his smile.

When Kate smiles at the joke, this lights up what are called “mirror neurons” in Mr. Nelson’s brain, which leads to an enhanced pleasant experience that comes about when we share something humorous. This interchange gives Mr. Nelson a chance to get off his one track anger train.

Let’s take a quick look at another example so we get a little better understanding about how humor can be helpful during a conflict. I came up with this example by looking at some examples of John F. Kennedy’s humor. I don’t know all the details that surrounded this bit of humor so, for illustration purposes, I’m going to add some.

THE KENNEDY EXAMPLE

At the time this example took place, Kennedy was a young senator running for president. It had recently become clear that he was rising in the polls, and the outcome was beginning to look more and more favorable for him. Senator Kennedy, to promote his candidacy, decided to invite leading opinion writers from the press to discuss the issues of the day.

One of those present, a guy we’ll call Fred, angrily said, “Senator Kennedy, your success is an outrage! It’s really because of your father’s wealth, the way he can open doors for you by spreading money around! A person with great talent but only average wealth doesn’t have a fair chance against you wealthy politicians!”

After rubbing his chin for a couple of seconds, Senator Kennedy replied, “I appreciate the point you just made, Fred. If I understand you correctly, you desire that elections be carried out on a level playing field. Interfering with that is the influence of big money. You feel that my family is guilty in this regard. Is that right?

“Absolutely!” Fred cries.

“Well, Fred,” says Kennedy with a twinkle in his eye, “it’s interesting you bring this up because I just got a wire from my generous Daddy – ‘Dear Jack,’ that’s what my Daddy calls me, Jack, ‘Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide.” Then a huge smile spreads across Senator Kennedy’s face, and all of those present break out laughing, including Fred.

Immediately after the laughter settles down, Senator Kennedy continues. “Fred, I agree with you that big money in politics is a serious problem. Not only is it a problem because people like me who can have more influence because of my family’s wealth, but it is at least as big a problem when less wealthy politicians get money from big donors who finance their candidacy. These big donors have way too much influence over what those politicians do. This has been going on since the dawn of our republic. So, we have to get beyond expressing our unhappiness about this and put together a real plan that will fairly level the playing field. What I want to suggest is that you, and the rest of those present today, work to design a specific blueprint for a bill that does this. Get it to me as soon as you are ready, and I’ll make sure the leaders in Congress get copies. And if I’m elected as president, I’ll work my butt off to promote it.”

Then Senator Kennedy put out his hand to Fred, and together they warmly shook on this.

EXAMPLE DISCUSSION

Here, as in the Kate and Mr. Nelson example, humor is used to get someone off of a one track anger train. Fred, who was angry with Senator Kennedy, upon hearing him tell his joke, had, for a brief moment, two concerns–will he get the joke, and will it serve to humiliate him. As Fred comes to see that he does get the joke and that it does not serve to humiliate him, he experiences a sense of relief and this relief is experienced as laughing. His anger has now subsided. When Senator Kennedy then explains that he agrees with Fred about the serious problem regarding the influence that the wealthy have on politics, Fred is more open to hearing the Senator out.

Now, for humor to be helpful for resolving conflicts, there are at least two things to keep in mind. First, it should not seek to humiliate the angry party. Much better is to make the joke teller the butt of the joke. Second, there are times when humor might be in the form of satire that counters the other party’s position. When this is done, it’s a great idea to say some kind things about the person who holds the other party’s position.

Abraham Lincoln was masterful in this regard. For example, Lincoln got a tremendous laugh from the audience when, during the famous Lincoln-Douglas Debates, he said that Judge Douglas’s arguments were “as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.” At another point, after Judge Douglas made the case that slavery wasn’t all that bad, Lincoln cracked up the audience when he replied, “Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.”

Despite these humorous quips, from time to time throughout these debates Lincoln referred respectfully to the Judge as “my friend,” and called him “a great man.” Thus, Lincoln knew the importance of mixing in some supportive statements about the person with whom he had some disagreements. This is a principle well worth keeping in mind when we attempt to utilize humor as a tool to assist in resolving conflicts.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Habitual ways of acting often can’t be overcome by a single discussion. Thus, it helps to bring before our conscience some ideas a few times over the course of several months. With that in mind, let’s review some of the ideas we have discussed earlier on this blog about conflict and the desire to be liked. By utilizing a fresh new batch of comics I hope to demonstrate that we can have some fun as we go about this.

Letting Someone You Like Know You Like Them is a Key to Resolving Many a Conflict

As good old Charlie Brown makes clear, it is hugely important for him to be liked. This happens to be true for most of us.

As we discussed in an earlier post, this desire to be liked often becomes threatened when we find that we are embroiled in a conflict. To settle things down to a level at which reasonableness has a chance to prevail, if you happen to like the other party, you might find it helpful to mention this.

I remember one time long ago when I was a mere eighteen years old, I had planned to go to see a movie with a friend. He arrived so late that we missed the show and I became angry.

Did I have a conflict with my friend? On this blog, when we look to see if there is a conflict in a situation, we use the phrase “DIG for the conflict” to help us to answer this question. The word DIG helps us to remember to look for a desire, something that interferes with the desire, and if someone feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong. In the situation I described, I desired to go see this movie and my friend interfered with this desire by arriving late. I felt he was guilty of being inconsiderate. And so I did end up having a conflict with my friend for coming late.

When we use the DIG Conflict Model, we also use the word DIG to remind us to dig a little deeper when thinking about a conflict. A tool that we use to dig deeper is to remember that people typically desire to be liked. With that in mind, can I describe a different type of conflict that occurred within me when my friend came late? Here’s one. I desired to be liked and when my friend came late I felt he interfered with this desire because it seemed to me that if he really liked me, he would have shown up on time. I felt he was guilty of treating me disrespectfully.

Back then when I was eighteen, how did I react to my friend coming late? I started shouting and calling him names. A popular way for people to respond to the way I was acting is to shout louder and to try to return the insults with insults. But rather than throwing insults at me, this friend of mine quietly heard me out, and then he looked sadly down at the ground for a few seconds, then he looked up into my eyes, and said softly, “Jeff, your friendship means a lot to me. I like you a ton and a half. I’m real sorry I was late.”

My anger eased, and within a few minutes we were having our usual good time together.

Responding to Criticism Immaturely Can Leave You All Alone

Here we see that Lucy interprets Charlie Brown’s question as criticism. She responds by shouting and displaying other signs of defensiveness such as wildly waving her fists all around. Charlie Brown soon hurries away.

Using the DIG Conflict Model, we might describe this situation as follows: As we know, Charlie Brown desires to be liked. Lucy’s response to his question perhaps interfered with this desire because he believes that when people like you they don’t speak to you in the tone of voice that Lucy used. He might have also felt she was guilty of treating him disrespectfully. Perhaps Charlie Brown abruptly left in response to this conflict he had with Lucy.

In an earlier post titled “Responding to Criticism: Four Levels Of Maturity” we see that Lucy’s style of responding to criticism tends to decrease one’s likability. It also increases the chance that it will create unnecessary conflicts.

What would be a more mature response? In my earlier post, I described one of the most mature ways to respond to criticism as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

What response could have Lucy made in response to Charlie Brown’s question that would have earned her a level closer to a 4 rating? It might be worth discussing this with a few friends. One answer might be something like this:

Lucy smiles and says, “That’s a reasonable question, Charlie Brown. Let me think about this for a few seconds.” She then pauses and rubs her chin, thus showing that she is taking his question seriously. Then she might have said, “I just thought I’d see if I could make more money in the winter by raising my rates.” If Lucy did this without any defensiveness, I think it probably would have come off as more likable than the way she did act in the comic. And perhaps Charlie Brown’s desire to be liked would have become less threatened.

Even Mature People Find It Difficult to Deal With Too Much Criticism In Too Short A Period Of Time

Here Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead end up having a conflict with their neighbors. That is, the Bumsteads had a desire to have a pleasant evening with their new neighbors, but the neighbors constant negative comments interfered with this desire. In the end, the Bumsteads perhaps felt their new neighbors were guilty of being too negative.

Jefferson Writing Declaration of Independence

A while back I provided a post titled “PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LESSON FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.” There I summarized Jefferson’s views about how to respond to people you are just beginning to get to know:

One of the main desires that people have is to be liked. If we criticize people before we establish that we like them, they are much more likely to feel that we will not like them. This dramatically increases the likelihood of heightened levels of defensiveness. If, instead, we seek first to establish that we do esteem our new companions, while holding off any negative criticism until a close, friendly relationship has been established, perhaps this would be a wiser course of action. Even after establishing a close friendly relationship, perhaps it still makes sense to avoid giving too much criticism in too short a period of time.

Well, those are some ideas I wanted to review today. In sum, when you are in the midst of a conflict, if you happen to like the other party, it often makes sense to do something to let him or her know it. Even if you don’t particularly like or dislike the other party in a conflict, it is often better if you avoided acting in ways that might be interpreted as disliking him or her. The more mature levels of responding to criticism are less likely to lead others to feel you don’t like them and increases the chances that they will like you. When you are just beginning a new relationship, it is usually better to keep any negative criticism to a minimum until you establish that you genuinely like the other party, and even then, be careful to avoid too much negative criticism in too short a period of time.

I hope you had some fun while we went about reviewing these ideas. May the rest of your week be filled with delightful human interactions.

——————————-