When Abraham Lincoln was 19, several neighbors were assigned to inform him of the heart wrenching news that his sister had died. As one of them described the incident,  “We went out and told Abe. I never will forget the scene. He sat down in the door of the smokehouse and buried his face in his hands. The tears slowly trickled from between his boney fingers and his giant frame shook with sobs.”

Why did Abe bury his face in his hands? Was it to hide the fact that he was crying? Why do so many of us, when we cry in front of others, apologize? Why do so many of us become embarrassed when we cry? If we are uncomfortable about how we deal with our sensitive nature, what can we do about it? Today, here at From Insults to Respect, we shall seek to throw some light on all of this.

Crying is as Natural as a Smile On a Baby’s Face

Abraham Lincoln wrote in 1859,

“The inclination to exchange thoughts with one another is probably an original impulse of our nature. If I be in pain I wish to let you know it, and to ask your sympathy and assistance; and my pleasurable emotions also, I wish to communicate to, and share with you.”

In Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness, the author, Joshua Wolf Shenk, tells us that when Abe was particularly sad, his friends’ reactions are insightful. They didn’t merely seek to help him, they vied with each other for the pleasure or honor of assisting him.

How can we account for this natural helping characteristic? From an evolutionary theory point of view, in ancient times many tribes dotted the land. Some had members that were more likely to assist those who expressed sorrow, while others lived among less caring folks. The tribes with the more caring folks, along with its individual members, were more likely to survive and thus to pass caring genes on to the next generation. This led to an increased probability that people will have the characteristic of expressing their sorrows to others and to help those who do express their sorrow.

Another reason that may explain why we cry is that it is an essential part of the creative process. As the poet, Lord Byron, put it:

Sorrow is knowledge; they who know the most
Must mourn the deepest o’er the fatal truth.”

What is it but the telescope of truth?
Which strips the distance of its fantasies,
And rings life near in utter nakedness,
Making cold reality too real!

With this line of thinking, people who grieve deeply when they meet up with a grievous experience, are pausing to do some unique, deep problem solving, going over and over where they are, and what creative alternatives they can derive for moving forward. Support for this style of functioning comes from the incredibly long line of people who have stood out as enormously creative and, at the same time, were prone to periods of the deepest levels of melancholy.

If Crying is Natural, Why the Embarrassment?

So far, I provided arguments that crying is natural because it encourages others to help and it is an important part of the creative process. If this is true, how can we explain why people become embarrassed about crying and frequently apologize for doing so?

Staying with the evolutionary theory line of reasoning, it just so happens that one of its principles is that for every biological characteristic there is variation around its central tendency. For example, the average height for males is a little under six feet tall, but some are a little taller, some are a little shorter, some are a lot taller, and some are a lot shorter.

Using this line of reasoning, it makes sense that although the usual characteristic of human beings is to feel sympathy for someone who is crying, nevertheless, there is some variation around this central tendency. Thus, some people are less sympathetic, and some may be so unsympathetic that they treat people who cry very disrespectfully. They might call the person a “cry baby,” or “immature,” or a “wimp,” or if the person is a male, “unmanly.”

As we were growing up, many of us came upon people who either treated us in this disrespectful manner when we were crying, or witnessed someone else who was being berated for their tearfulness. In time, we might have come to realize there are people out there who really hate to be exposed to someone crying, and this can lead to the apologies.

Additionally, some people internalize the criticism that they received when they cried. Thus, they end up insulting themselves whenever they cry because when they were a child they became convinced by people they had respected that such behavior is a terribly negative thing to do.

Add to this that in our society, a new trend has added fuel to the idea that people who cry have something wrong with them. A billion dollar industry that sells antidepressants have enormous resources to saturate the media with sales pitches that seek to convince people that crying is a symptom of a serious mental illness that urgently needs to be treated with some drug.

And then there is the “Healthy Minded” philosophy that we see in such song lyrics as “Accentuate the Positive.”

You gotta accent-u-ate the positive,
E-lim-inate the negative,
An’ latch on
To the affirmative
Don’t mess with mister in-between!

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum,
Bring gloom down to the minimum,
An’ have faith (amen!)
Or pandemonium’s
Liable to walk upon the scene!

There is no doubt that taking some time to count one’s blessings, and even to rejoice in them is worthwhile. But giving full due to the value of taking some time to sing the blues has some significant rewards for a balanced life.

What Are The Consequences Of Believing That We Are Doing Something Wrong When We Cry?

Before directly taking this question on, I think it’s important to get an issue out of the way.

As I mentioned above, there is this biological principle that for each characteristic of biological entities there is some variation around its central tendency. Therefore, it is natural that some people really don’t take to heart the usual situations that most of us will. These relatively insensitive folks, as long as they don’t pick anyone’s pocket, or break anyone’s leg, have a perfect right to carry out their lives according to their own lights. It is not in our interest to treat them disrespectfully. We would be wise to learn to celebrate the grand sweep of humanity.

That said, for those of us who really were born with the usual amount of compassion and sensitivities, becoming convinced through early life experiences that crying is something to be ashamed of does have serious negative consequences. Squashing the tears, rushing through the insulting scripts with words like, “wimp,” “momma’s boy,” “weakling,” “mentally ill,” etc., along with all of the negative emotions that accompany these words, leave us with far less of the energy that we would otherwise be able to call upon to address the cause of our sadness. Moreover, feeling like there is something wrong with us when we experience sensitive feelings results in millions of us turning to alcohol and drugs, which typically results in a number of unhealthy side effects.

Can Unhealthy Sadness Habits Be Transformed into Healthy Ones?

Yes! It does take some practice. Nevertheless, I, for one, can testify that I have made these kinds of changes, and it has been enormously beneficial.

The first several practice sessions involves noticing whenever you are feeling sad. At such times, as soon as you can, go to a place where you can have some alone time, preferably in a pleasant place out in nature, but even a bathroom will do in a pinch.

Then, recall what led to your sadness, and for a minute, observe in a nonjudgmental manner what words come to you. Observe them like you were a scientist objectively observing a flock of birds flying by, off in a distant sky.

After about a minute of this, turn your attention to the physical sensations that you are experiencing. Do this for at least a minute. If you wish to linger, that’s fine. If tears come, allow them to flow effortlessly.

Do this exercise for two months. It is wonderfully freeing. After this period of time, you will find that this way of dealing with your sadness has become a new comfortable way of experiencing sadness. It comes with no strings attached and won’t cost you a penny. For me, it has led to experiencing sadness in a manner that is as natural as the pleasant warmth from a morning sun.

Here’s another great exercise that I recommend. Over the course of four days, write for a minimum of 15 minutes at each sitting about something that has led you to experience sadness. As you do so, make sure you include not only what happened, but also what you felt when it happened, and how you now feel about what happened. Include your deepest emotions and thoughts about what occurred. Really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. As you do so, recall the sensory experience of these feelings, not just the words that define the experience. After you finish the day’s writing assignment, read it over, and if you had called yourself any unkind names, cross them out, and read, once again, what you had written without any of the nasty name calling.

This assignment, like the other, does not cost any money, and by the time you finish this assignment, you will probably find you have made friends with your sad experiences. However some people may feel they have a few steps left to go before fully embracing sadness.

For example, some who had been taking psychiatric drugs to deal with their sad experiences might wonder if it is time to see if they can wean themselves off of them. This can be a challenging experience because these drugs can be highly addictive. Unfortunately, I’m not an expert on advising people on the best techniques to become free of these drugs. Nevertheless, I have heard some very positive comments about the resources provided at the Mad in America website (see HERE).

Lastly, some people dealing with sadness concerns have one, two, or three special situations that often seep into their consciousness, and they lead them into particularly challenging sadness experiences. Said another way, they find that they ruminate upon certain sad memories, so much so that they desire to get some help with this.

As I explained in another post about ruminating on certain anger experiences, meditation can be very helpful in dealing with any distressing ruminating experiences. You can learn how to meditate for free by clicking HERE.

Perhaps the best way to receive help for these particularly sad experiences is by working with a personal counselor. These people are typically very talented in listening to you in a kind manner, while offering gentle suggestions from a variety of wisdom traditions. As they listen to you, if you begin to express sadness, or even begin to cry, their supportive presence leads you to come to accept your sadness as a natural part of who you are, and to forgo consuming all of the wasted energy that comes from mismanaging sadness.

There is a cost to personal counseling, so not everyone can afford it. Information about getting services from the two best counselors that I know, Emily and Jack, can be obtained HERE.

Well, there you have it, some thoughts about why many of us feel embarrassed when expressing sadness and how to go about mastering these types of natural experiences. Until next time, may all of your joyful and sad experiences be wonderfully fruitful.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.