Tag: DIG Conflict Model

On Trump Taunting Rally Interrupters

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 17, 2016
2 Comments on On Trump Taunting Rally Interrupters

By now most of you have seen numerous examples of Donald Trump taunting rally interrupters. If you haven’t, there is a collection of them put together by the New York Times that you can see HERE. Early on we see Mr. Trump stating, “I certainly don’t incite violence.” But then there is a video clip showing security going through the process of removing an interrupter at a rally, while Mr. Trump cries,

“I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They would be carried out in a stretcher, folks. I’d like to punch him in the face. I tell you.”

At another point, we see Mr. Trump, during another rally disruption, tauntingly crying out,

“All right, get him out, try not to hurt him. If you do, I’ll defend you in court. Don’t worry about it.”

There are many other similar examples that you can see in the NYT‘s collection, but it is hardly complete. In one such case, while security officials are trying to do their jobs, Mr. Trump is shouting at an interrupter derisively, “Why don’t you go get a job!” And in another, again while security personnel are trying to handle things, Mr. Trump is seen baiting a protester, “Get out! OUT!”

After an incident of this kind, Mr. Trump, when questioned about it by a reporter, stated, “This guy started screaming by himself, and, I don’t know, roughed up, he should have, maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” Then he said, “Violence would help to deter protesters.”

In perhaps the most disturbing example that I have seen, Mr. Trump is seen defending a guy who sucker punched an interrupter who was being escorted out of an arena. Thus, when Mr. Trump was asked about this incident by a reporter, he answered, “He obviously loves this country, and maybe he doesn’t like seeing what’s happening to the country.”

To be fair, Mr Trump sometimes says he doesn’t condone the violence. But then he says things like, “In the good old days this doesn’t happen because they used to treat them very, very rough. And when they protested once, you know, they would not do it again so easily.”

So, if he thinks those were the “good old days,” it sure sounds to me that he wishes we could be doing this type of thing today.

Now, as president of the United States, he faces a lawsuit for inciting violence at his rallies. Judge Hale has ruled that the lawsuit can go forward. Trump’s lawyers argued that the lawsuit should be dropped based on free speech, free speech, but Judge Hale rejected that, saying speech that incites violence is not protected and Trump’s words “at least ‘implicitly encouraged the use of violence or lawless action.'” Plus, the judge wrote, the plaintiffs successfully lay out at least one prior example of protesters being attacked at a Trump rally.

From my own perspective, given the context of how Trump has been handling the very types of incidences being discussed in the lawsuit, it sure seems that he indeed supports being violent toward rally interrupters. But be that as it may, my question for today is, When rally interrupters do indeed interrupt, is it helpful for the candidate to be seeking to taunt the interrupter?

To help answer this question, let’s first look at the situation that we have been discussing as a type of conflict.

The Trump Supporters versus the Trump Rally Interrupters’ Conflict

On this blog, when we discuss conflicts we utilize the DIG Conflict Model. The word DIG reminds us to look into the situation to see if we can identify the three conditions of a conflict, the “desire,” the “interference,” and the “guilt.” When we do this for this situation, we see that the Trump supporters, which includes, of course, Mr. Trump, desire that at the rallies that they attend for Mr. Trump they get to hear what he has to say. They view the interrupters as interfering with this desire when Mr. Trump is trying to speak at the rally and an interrupter begins to shout anti-Trump sentiments. Trump supporters typically would say they believe interrupters are guilty of doing something wrong when they interrupt.

This conflict statement is my best guess of the perspective of Trump supporters. I have derived it from discussions that I have personally had with a few of his supporters and what I have heard from them during TV interviews.

When we use the DIG Conflict Model to describe a conflict, we try to get the perspective of not just one side of the conflict, but from both sides. Unfortunately I have not personally met any of the interrupters, nor have I seen any interviews with them. So, hazarding a guess, perhaps it typically involves one or more of the following three desires: the desire to discourage people from voting for Mr. Trump, the desire to express their anger at Mr. Trump for stirring up hatred toward groups of people they care about, or the desire to get attention.

My Views On Resolving This Conflict

First of all, at the outset, let me say that I have some sympathy for the Trump supporters regarding their perspective on this conflict. I hold the position that regardless of who the rally is for, those who come to hear the candidate should be able to do so without people interrupting him or her.

trump1 There are fair opportunities for demonstrators from the full spectrum of opinions to put forth their views as people file into the site of the rally and when people leave. As long as this is done peacefully and without interfering with the flow of people into and out of the site, this seems consistent with principles of free speech, which is something I personally treasure.

Once in the arena, I believe the candidate should be treated civilly. Interrupting the candidate’s speech is not in the interest of the supporters who took the time to get to the site, nor is it in the interest of the interrupters.

Interrupters, by their actions, will only succeed in hardening the positions of the supporters who tend to become infuriated at such interruptions.

Now, when I began to think about how this conflict can best be resolved from the perspective of Trump and his supporters, the first thing I thought about is that this is a common conflict that candidate supporters have been facing for years. Apparently, the best minds in professional arena security personnel and law enforcement have designed a process to deal with these types of situations. The process varies slightly from place to place, but basically it goes like this:

Typically, whenever someone begins to create a disruption, security officials hustle over and firmly inform the interrupter that if he or she continues to do anything that seeks to disrupt the speaker, he or she will be ushered out of the rally site. This usually takes a few seconds and is sufficient in most cases to settle things down.

If not, several additional security officials are called for. When they arrive, they now are an overwhelming presence and are well trained to handle aggressive conduct.

The disrupter is then told, “You have a choice, either agree to be ushered out of the rally site with us, or law enforcement will be summoned. If law enforcement is summoned, you will be placed in handcuffs, arrested, charged with disturbing the peace, taken to the police station, and you could end up facing a fine and/or imprisonment. Moreover, once law officers arrive, any effort that you make to avoid the law officers’ arrest will lead to the far more serious charge of resisting arrest. So, those are your options–either you now come peacefully with us as we usher you out of here, or deal with law enforcement. We recommend coming with us. Let’s go.” Then the security officials firmly, but not violently, lead the interrupter away.

This message to the interrupter takes less than one minute and in the vast majority of incidents it is sufficient to peacefully resolve this type of situation. In my opinion, Mr. Trump is not doing security any favors when, during this process, he begins to taunt the disrupter.

The effective use of the technique I just described works best when the disrupter is in a state that he or she can think somewhat reasonably. Mr. Trump’s baiting the disrupter while the process is going on increases the probability of igniting rage within the interrupter, and the probability of violence goes up. Even well trained security personnel can become injured dealing with this, and the whole process can take far more time to resolve.

Moreover, Mr. Trump’s actions tend to drum up rage against the interrupter, and as we saw in one incident, this led to a Trump supporter sucker punching someone. Now law enforcement has to deal with this incident at considerable cost to taxpayers. Finally, the rage that is produced at the rally, when witnessed on TV leads to increased rage of others who oppose Mr. Trump’s candidacy, and thus they begin to show up to subsequent rallies seeking to create a commotion. We saw this happening on March 11, 2016 in Chicago shortly after Trump’s taunting was televised. Trump supporters and protesters clashed so viciously that the event had to be cancelled. Then, the next day, at another rally, this one in Vandalia, Ohio, a furious man jumped a barrier and rushed the stage. No one was hurt, but Mr. Trump was obviously shaken up from the incident, sweating profusely. Since then, he has been more vocal about not supporting violence. I hope he has learned to let security and law enforcement do their job without interfering by wildly throwing out taunts.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags DIG Conflict Model, Donald Trump, presidential candidate rally interrupters

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Einstein and the Nature of Blame, Guilt, Responsibility, and Respect

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 8, 2015
6 Comments on Einstein and the Nature of Blame, Guilt, Responsibility, and Respect

In our society, the idea of self-reliance is often viewed positively. And yet, it is our nature to benefit in numerous ways from others. As Albert Einstein beautifully articulated in a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos:

Einstein in his later years

“From the standpoint of daily life…there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men–above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow-men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received. My peace of mind is often troubled by the depressing sense that I have borrowed too heavily from the work of other men.” (p. 3)

Despite all that we benefit from the lives of other human beings, there are times when we come into conflict with them. How we handle conflicts can have an enormous effect on how much respect we have for ourselves, and others have for us.

An important step toward learning how to better handle conflicts, is to come to understand more precisely than most people what a conflict is. This will lead to a deeper understanding of how conflicts are connected to blame, guilt, and responsibility, and how this understanding can be used in a practical manner. We’ll then return to the example of Einstein, looking at how he utilized the skills that were discussed today, and how this led to the high degree of respect that millions have long had for him.

What is a Conflict?

According to the DIG CONFLICT MODEL that we have been utilizing on this blog, From Insults to Respect, a conflict occurs when the following three conditions occur:

Party A desires an act will occur.
Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire.
Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third. If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The word “DIG” provides us a way to remember a technique to quickly and succinctly describe a conflict. First, we describe the “desire,” then the “interference,” and then the “guilt” condition.

The DIG model is also helpful because sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage. In earlier posts we looked at examples that illustrated using these ideas, and in one particular post we focussed particularly on ways to change the guilt condition (see here).

Since I wrote that post, I received some feedback indicating that there is some confusion about the nature of blame, guilt, and responsibility. Thus, today I shall undertake an effort to reduce this confusion, and then relate this understanding to respect.

Blame, Guilt, and Responsibility

Why does Lucy, in this comic, go out of her way to get people she knows to absolve her of all blame regardless of what happens? Here’s my take on this.

The word, blame, has a variety of meanings. So, to avoid confusion, on this blog when we are discussing the DIG Conflict Model we’ll be sticking to one particular meaning, e.g., “When a person blames someone, that person has the belief that someone is guilty of doing something wrong and deserves some type of punishment.”

Punishment is typically not a pleasant experience to undergo. In the above comic, perhaps Lucy wants to avoid punishment by absolving herself from blame.

According to the DIG Conflict Model, when someone has a conflict with you, or you have a conflict with yourself, part of what is going on is that the person who has a conflict with you believes that if you carry out the interfering act you would be guilty of being wrong, and therefore you would deserve to be punished. If you can transform that guilt into something other than guilt, it would eliminate one of the essential conditions of a conflict and thus resolve it.

One way to transform guilt, is to take responsibility for what went wrong. When we do so, we have some of the same very strong feelings that go along with guilt, but rather than believing punishment is the proper response, another is offered; we admit that we played at least a part in what went wrong, and then make it clear that we will take steps to improve our actions in the future. The genuine feeling that comes with taking responsibility, leads us to do a search for improvements.

What are the benefits that come from resolving a conflict in this way? There are many, but on this blog we’re all about how to transform insults into respect, so let’s focus just on this issue.

The Benefits of Transforming Guilt into Responsibility, and then, into Respect

David Coleman is a Senior Research Fellow at the National Security Archive. His most recent book is The Fourteenth Day: JFK and the Aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

From his research, David found that President John F. Kennedy enjoyed very high public approval ratings compared with most modern presidents. Over the whole of his presidency, Kennedy averaged a 70.1 percent approval rating, comfortably the highest of any post-World War II president. By comparison, the average for all presidents between 1938 and 2012 is 54 percent.

On April 17th, 1961, Kennedy ordered what became known as the “Bay of Pigs Invasion”: 1,500 U.S.-trained Cubans, called “Brigade 2506”, landed on the island in an attempt to overthrow the country’s dictator, Fidel Castro. The plan failed within three days.

By April 19, 1961, the Cuban government had captured or killed the invading exiles, and Kennedy was forced to negotiate for the release of the 1,189 survivors. After twenty months, Cuba released the captured exiles in exchange for $53 million worth of food and medicine.

When the invasion had failed, many felt Kennedy was guilty of doing something terribly wrong, and more than a few insults were being hurled at him. However, when he went before the press, he took responsibility for the failure, and pledged to take several specific steps to make sure that what happened would never happen again. Immediately afterwards his approval rating spiked, going up to 83 percent, the highest level of his presidency.

From my own experience, I have learned that using a similar type of response can be very helpful. When I find that someone has a conflict with me because of something that I have done, I have often been able to turn those angry feelings that come along with a conflict into a respectful resolution by making it clear that I recognize my responsibility in what happened and I plan to take some action to improve.

Back to Einstein

Returning to Einstein, let us ask, what was it about this man who lived many years ago and somehow still captures the respectful imagination of so many of us? Surely, his awe-inspiring achievements in science is a major reason for this. But today, I would like to ask whether it has, as well, something to do with his profound sense of responsibility to his fellow human beings, a sense of responsibility that led him to set aside, for periods of time, his passionate interest in his research so that he might speak out against injustice, and to put forth his vision for a more peaceful world.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Albert Einstein, blame, conflict management, conflict resolution, DIG Conflict Model, guilt, John F. Kennedy, responsibility

conflict management conflict resolution criticism guilt interpersonal conflicts likability The DIG Conflict Model

Comics, Conflicts and the Desire to be Liked

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 16, 2015
No Comments on Comics, Conflicts and the Desire to be Liked

Habitual ways of acting often can’t be overcome by a single discussion. Thus, it helps to bring before our conscience some ideas a few times over the course of several months. With that in mind, let’s review some of the ideas we have discussed earlier on this blog about conflict and the desire to be liked. By utilizing a fresh new batch of comics I hope to demonstrate that we can have some fun as we go about this.

Letting Someone You Like Know You Like Them is a Key to Resolving Many a Conflict

As good old Charlie Brown makes clear, it is hugely important for him to be liked. This happens to be true for most of us.

As we discussed in an earlier post, this desire to be liked often becomes threatened when we find that we are embroiled in a conflict. To settle things down to a level at which reasonableness has a chance to prevail, if you happen to like the other party, you might find it helpful to mention this.

I remember one time long ago when I was a mere eighteen years old, I had planned to go to see a movie with a friend. He arrived so late that we missed the show and I became angry.

Did I have a conflict with my friend? On this blog, when we look to see if there is a conflict in a situation, we use the phrase “DIG for the conflict” to help us to answer this question. The word DIG helps us to remember to look for a desire, something that interferes with the desire, and if someone feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong. In the situation I described, I desired to go see this movie and my friend interfered with this desire by arriving late. I felt he was guilty of being inconsiderate. And so I did end up having a conflict with my friend for coming late.

When we use the DIG Conflict Model, we also use the word DIG to remind us to dig a little deeper when thinking about a conflict. A tool that we use to dig deeper is to remember that people typically desire to be liked. With that in mind, can I describe a different type of conflict that occurred within me when my friend came late? Here’s one. I desired to be liked and when my friend came late I felt he interfered with this desire because it seemed to me that if he really liked me, he would have shown up on time. I felt he was guilty of treating me disrespectfully.

Back then when I was eighteen, how did I react to my friend coming late? I started shouting and calling him names. A popular way for people to respond to the way I was acting is to shout louder and to try to return the insults with insults. But rather than throwing insults at me, this friend of mine quietly heard me out, and then he looked sadly down at the ground for a few seconds, then he looked up into my eyes, and said softly, “Jeff, your friendship means a lot to me. I like you a ton and a half. I’m real sorry I was late.”

My anger eased, and within a few minutes we were having our usual good time together.

Responding to Criticism Immaturely Can Leave You All Alone

Here we see that Lucy interprets Charlie Brown’s question as criticism. She responds by shouting and displaying other signs of defensiveness such as wildly waving her fists all around. Charlie Brown soon hurries away.

Using the DIG Conflict Model, we might describe this situation as follows: As we know, Charlie Brown desires to be liked. Lucy’s response to his question perhaps interfered with this desire because he believes that when people like you they don’t speak to you in the tone of voice that Lucy used. He might have also felt she was guilty of treating him disrespectfully. Perhaps Charlie Brown abruptly left in response to this conflict he had with Lucy.

In an earlier post titled “Responding to Criticism: Four Levels Of Maturity” we see that Lucy’s style of responding to criticism tends to decrease one’s likability. It also increases the chance that it will create unnecessary conflicts.

What would be a more mature response? In my earlier post, I described one of the most mature ways to respond to criticism as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

What response could have Lucy made in response to Charlie Brown’s question that would have earned her a level closer to a 4 rating? It might be worth discussing this with a few friends. One answer might be something like this:

Lucy smiles and says, “That’s a reasonable question, Charlie Brown. Let me think about this for a few seconds.” She then pauses and rubs her chin, thus showing that she is taking his question seriously. Then she might have said, “I just thought I’d see if I could make more money in the winter by raising my rates.” If Lucy did this without any defensiveness, I think it probably would have come off as more likable than the way she did act in the comic. And perhaps Charlie Brown’s desire to be liked would have become less threatened.

Even Mature People Find It Difficult to Deal With Too Much Criticism In Too Short A Period Of Time

Here Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead end up having a conflict with their neighbors. That is, the Bumsteads had a desire to have a pleasant evening with their new neighbors, but the neighbors constant negative comments interfered with this desire. In the end, the Bumsteads perhaps felt their new neighbors were guilty of being too negative.

Jefferson Writing Declaration of Independence

A while back I provided a post titled “PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LESSON FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.” There I summarized Jefferson’s views about how to respond to people you are just beginning to get to know:

One of the main desires that people have is to be liked. If we criticize people before we establish that we like them, they are much more likely to feel that we will not like them. This dramatically increases the likelihood of heightened levels of defensiveness. If, instead, we seek first to establish that we do esteem our new companions, while holding off any negative criticism until a close, friendly relationship has been established, perhaps this would be a wiser course of action. Even after establishing a close friendly relationship, perhaps it still makes sense to avoid giving too much criticism in too short a period of time.

Well, those are some ideas I wanted to review today. In sum, when you are in the midst of a conflict, if you happen to like the other party, it often makes sense to do something to let him or her know it. Even if you don’t particularly like or dislike the other party in a conflict, it is often better if you avoided acting in ways that might be interpreted as disliking him or her. The more mature levels of responding to criticism are less likely to lead others to feel you don’t like them and increases the chances that they will like you. When you are just beginning a new relationship, it is usually better to keep any negative criticism to a minimum until you establish that you genuinely like the other party, and even then, be careful to avoid too much negative criticism in too short a period of time.

I hope you had some fun while we went about reviewing these ideas. May the rest of your week be filled with delightful human interactions.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict management, criticism, DIG Conflict Model, likability, negative criticism

conflict resolution emotions happiness Hope positive emotions

Hope and Happiness as Emotions

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 24, 2015
5 Comments on Hope and Happiness as Emotions

“What’s happening, Josh?” asks Bob.

“Well, I decided to ask Julie out on a date. Oh, how I’m hoping she’ll say yes! My mind keeps going over and over what I should say when I ask her.”

Two hours later.

“Hi Bob. I just got off the phone with Julie. She said yes! We’re going out on Saturday. I’m so happy!”

“Nice!” Bob replies. “You must feel relieved to get that over with.”

“Well, now my mind is racing on how to plan the night so we have a wonderful time together!”

As in the above, the emotions of “hope” and “happiness” often come up in conversations. If you can learn to speak artfully about them, there is an excellent chance that you may increase the amount of respect people have for your intelligence. Here is one way to think about these emotions that has worked for me over the past several decades.

The DIG Conflict Model’s View of Emotions

In the DIG Conflict Model, there are four basic emotions. The first two, threat and grief, are said to be negative emotions.

The second two basic emotions, hope and happiness, are said to be positive emotions.

Emotions turn our attention from some less important situations to some specific situation that we have appraised at the moment as the highest priority. At the same time, they provide an extra boost of energy so we can deal with the highest priority situation in a manner that may require more than the usual level of effort. The negative emotions help us to deal with situations that people typically view, at least at first appearance, as negative, while positive emotions can help us to deal with situations that people typically view, at least at first appearance, as positive.

In a previous post, I focused in on the negative emotions. Today, our focus is on the positive emotions. Let’s look at a parable to help us better understand the nature of hope and happiness.

The Parable of Santo

Santo is a waiter in Saint Paul and the father of two teenagers. He works the midnight to 10 a.m. shift at Mickey’s all night diner. He has been struggling to support his family with this low paying job.

This morning, after finishing his shift at work, an exhausted Santo drags himself into his car. Hector, one of the diner’s dish washers, slides into the passenger seat. Santo plans to take Hector home first before going on to his own home.

At this moment, Santo’s immediate desires are expressed to Hector as he starts up the car. “All I want right now is to get home and go to sleep.” To achieve these desires, Santo understands that he will have to drive through some modest traffic and make several different turns. There have been some serious accidents along his route, but Santo is not thinking about this danger. He has a set of well practiced skills that have become so automatic that he is fully confident that he can get Hector home, and from there, he can go on and get himself home without much further thought about this.

As soon as Santo pulls his car into traffic, Hector begins to check his cell phone messages. “Wow!” Hector suddenly exclaims, “I got a text message from Rudy Anderson, the owner of Rudy’s Restaurant. Rudy says his day waiter has just quit and he wants to know if you’d be interested in applying for the job!”

“You’re kidding!” yells Santo. “Rudy’s waiters get paid three times what I’m getting at the diner and it’d mean no more midnight shifts or moving my family into my beat-up van—that’d be great!!!”

“I’m not kidding,” says Hector. “Rudy wants you to stop by his restaurant as quick as you can.”

“YES!” screams Santo, now full of the emotion of hope. He had been expecting to drive home and go to sleep. Wow, now what a change this unexpected news has created for him! His heart is beating rapidly and he no longer feels tired at all. After dropping Hector off, Santo rushes home and takes a quick shower, puts on some clean clothes, carefully combs his hair, and hustles over to Rudy’s Restaurant. There, Rudy greets Santo warmly, and after a discussion, Santo is hired.

When he leaves the restaurant having signed a contract, Santo now realizes his life has just changed from having hoped to land this job to knowing he now has the job. He experiences this change as the emotion of happiness.

At home, Santo gets into bed to get some sleep, but finds that he can’t conk out even though he hasn’t slept in over twenty-four hours. With his mind racing, he thinks, “I have to buy some new clothes tomorrow. Man, what did I do to land this job at Rudy’s? Well, the big thing I did was to stop by there during an off-hour and introduce myself to Rudy even when he wasn’t looking for help. I told him that he had a great restaurant. I think it really helped when I told him that if he needed a sub for a day at any time I’d work for half the normal salary just to show him what I could do. Rudy liked that and tried me out, and I bet that’s what really sold him on me. I’ll remember to do that some more if I end up out of work again.”

Parable Interpretation

Let’s see if there is anything useful about hope and happiness that we can discover from this story. Notice that Santo, as he was heading home, had a plan to deal with his feelings of tiredness. Santo has confidence that he has a set of well practiced skills that are very likely to achieve this as he heads home in his van, and he begins to carry them out by guiding his car into traffic. As he does so, he is unaware of any emotion. He does feel tired, and this type of feeling is less intense than a full blown emotion

As soon as Santo hears about the new job opportunity, he immediately recalls his desire to get a better job. Santo quickly appraises this new information. Clearly he notices that this is a change from what he was expecting. This change leads to the emotion of hope. The function of this positive emotion is for him to shift his attention from all that he was thinking about before the emotion began and to instead focus on getting the job at Rudy’s. The emotion also functions to give Santo a boost of energy so that he can increase his chances to get this job. Even though he had felt sleepy and exhausted before having the emotion of hope, he uses the boost of energy to think about what the best things to do right now, and he changes his plan to go to sleep as soon as he got home. Instead, he decides to wash up, get to Rudy’s Restaurant and apply for the job.

Upon landing the job, Santo has achieved his desire, and with that, he realizes this means that there will be some good changes in his life, and he experiences the emotion of happiness. This happiness serves the function to give him a new burst of energy. We oftentimes need this extra burst of energy when we achieve a desire for two reasons.

First, we have to spend some extra time making arrangements for the new set of circumstances that led to the happiness. In the example involving Santo, he realizes that his new job will require some new clothes. He will have to carve out time during this transition period to pull together money so he can purchase the clothes.

Second, not only do we need the burst of energy to make preparations for our new circumstances that led to happiness, we also can benefit by taking some extra time to think about what led up to our success. By doing this, we can usually find something important to remember that we can reuse in the future. In our Santo example, he recalls how he had offered to work for Rudy at half the usual salary for a day or two so he could show him what a fine waiter he is. Santo will use part of the extra energy from his happiness to do the work necessary to place this very strategy in his memory bank in a form that will be more likely to be recalled if he ever loses his job again.

We see from this story that the positive emotions of hope and happiness function to shift our attention for a period of time to something appraised as particularly important and to provide us extra energy. We use this extra energy to carry out some important skills that can help us better achieve our desires.

Now, sometimes we use the terms “hope” and “happiness” in a broader sense than when we are referring to the emotions of hope and happiness. For example, some people, if asked if they hope to retire in a few years, may reply, “Yes.” At the moment that they say this, they are not in any real emotional state about this issue. Perhaps some pleasant, gentle feeling sweeps through some for a few seconds as they think of a time when they can do more of what they would prefer to be doing as time drifts by. In a few seconds they are thinking of something else.

Sometimes I am asked if I am happy. I might quickly think to myself that nothing is currently bothering me, and so I might reply, “Yes, I guess so.” Here again, there is no emotional state actually occurring as I say this, and the word “happiness” is being used to mean a relatively calm, non-distressed, pleasant experience.

Emotions are feelings, but more intense than most. Although there is no clear dividing line between relatively pleasant feelings and a full blown positive emotional experience, most people can sense when their heart has distinctly quickened, their attention has fastened firmly on a particular desire, changing the subject is hard even if they try, and they find themselves vigorously planning and carrying ideas into actions for a period of time that extends far beyond some fleeting few seconds. Emotions are of this nature.

Okay, there you have it. Here’s hoping the Santo parable and this little discussion gives you a better sense of what positive emotions are all about.

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Tags DIG Conflict Model, emotions, happiness, hope, positive emotions

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The Desire for Happiness

Dealing with the frustration that goes along with challenging conflicts has some similarities to sailors dealing with stormy seas—it is best to utilize a well-rehearsed plan.

For dealing with conflicts, one such plan begins with thinking of the word “DIG.” With a little practice, we can use this word to remind us of a simple way to summarize the conflict even in the midst of swirling frustration.

The letters of the word “DIG” aids us to remember the words, “Desire,” “Interference,” and “Guilt.” Once we recall these words, we use them in a particular way.

First, we state what our desire is in the conflict, then, what is interfering, then, why we believe the other party in the conflict is guilty of doing something wrong. After doing this from our perspective, we then go through the same process from the perspective of the other party.

If we are thoroughly practiced in using this skill, the word “DIG“ not only helps us to create this concise description of the conflict even while in the midst of rising anger, it also helps us remember to dig a little to consider not just the most obvious desire that is involved in the conflict, but also what might be other desires that are involved.

Of course, in simple, low frustration conflicts none of this is necessary. There are times, however, that you will find that when all of those around you are beginning to get lost in a storm, your even-tempered, systematic guidance will calm the waters and lead to inviting harbors.

Conflicts in Which Happiness is the Desire

Now, sometimes when we describe a conflict it takes the following form:

“I desire to be happy, but the other party is interfering. The other party is guilty of making my life miserable.”

The desire to be happy has a special place in the life of many of us. Nevertheless, today I would like to advocate that you think twice whenever you, or the other party in a conflict, describes the desire part of the conflict as “to be happy.”

What’s wrong with Happiness as a Desire?

Describing a desire in a conflict as “to be happy” is too vague. With a little effort you can usually dig a little deeper and find a more specific description. Typically, it is better for a boss to say something like, “I desire that you come to work by 9 A.M. at least 95% of the time than, “I desire that you make me happy.”

Another reason to avoid happiness in your descriptions of your desire has to do with earning respect. If you are like so many of us, you probably want to avoid coming off as shallow or having superficial desires. To explain a little more of what I mean by this, I’m going to discuss a little of what Albert Einstein said on this topic and then present a little parable.

Albert Einstein on Happiness

In a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, the first chapter is by Albert Einstein. There he states:

The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle. (p. 4)

When I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, I came away with the following image. He kind of viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth.

This is a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.

To further challenge you to think more deeply about the nature of happiness, please consider the following parable.

The Parable of Probliss

Once upon a green-blue planet, a scientist invented Probliss, a super powerful happiness pill. It made people as happy as anyone ever dreamed of. In fact Probliss was so effective in improving the happiness in people’s lives that a group of psychiatrists developed a plan that would have all of the people on the planet lie down on gurneys in sanitized rooms and then be hooked up intravenously so nourishment and Probliss could be directly delivered into the veins of everyone. If at any point people felt a little less than perfectly happy, all they had to do was press down with a fingertip and wonderful Probliss would soar into their lives creating pure, pure happiness.

Some didn’t like this plan. “What, no music, no love, no friends? Man, that sounds bleak!”

“True, none of that,” said the psychiatrists, “but far more happiness.”

And it came to pass that studies were done. The results proved indisputable–those on these gurneys who were attached to these machines that provided nourishment and Probliss developed far fewer diseases. They lived over ten years longer, and they were less of a danger to themselves or others when compared to those who lived their lives going out in the world without Probliss. Those who chose to live their lives in the old way, were much more likely to die in car crashes, accidental falls, and homicides. People on Probliss never died from these types of causes because all they did was lie on the gurney in a completely sterile, happy, and healthy state.

Once these results came in, the psychiatrists decided that everyone, from now on, would be tied down to gurneys, even if it was against their will. “It was for their own good,” the psychiatrists explained.

Now some men and women did manage to escape into a deep, green forest, experiencing anguish and tears, love and creativity, but not perfect happiness.

The End

Conclusion

And so, whenever you think you want to seek happiness, consider the value that goes along with identifying a more specific desire. You’re still likely to experience some happiness while seeking this newly identified desire, and some sadness too as setbacks tend to occur. These alterations of happiness and sadness are part of the process that keeps our lives moving forward. Choose wisely in what direction you truly wish to head. And learn to appreciate that there are deeper values in life than happiness.

My Best,

Jeff

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Tags Albert Einstein, conflict management, conflict resolution, desire, DIG Conflict Model, dig for the conflict, dispute management, frustration, happiness, psychiatry, respect, wisdom

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READING ABOUT EMOTIONAL MATURITY IS OFTEN NOT ENOUGH

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 17, 2014
No Comments on READING ABOUT EMOTIONAL MATURITY IS OFTEN NOT ENOUGH

When you first learned to ride a bicycle, it probably helped that someone told you some basic ideas. Perhaps your big brother explained to you that when you want to go forward on a bike, you must push down with your foot on the pedal that is highest. When you do that you will see the other pedal start to rise up. When the other pedal comes all the way up, you have to push that one down with your other foot.

This type of verbal description can be very helpful, but no amount of it will get anyone to be a smooth bicycle rider. For that, people have to get up on the bike and try to coordinate all that they have heard, fall down, get back up on the bike, and try again and again, until they learn by doing.

Learning skills that lead to emotional maturity is similar in many ways. To learn them, you have to apply what you have heard or read by doing it, make mistakes, and try again and again until you get smooth at coordinating the skills. In today’s post, I offer a suggestion for practicing the skills taught on this blog that won’t cost you a red cent.

A Suggestion for Skill Practice

Go to your calendar and for each week over the next month, draw a circle on a day that you can spare five minutes. Next to the circle, write “CONFLICT?” This message is designed to remind you that on each of the circled dates you are to take five minutes to write down on a sheet of paper the most difficult conflict that you had or are currently having during the week. Keep this paper on your refrigerator door. You will see it there each time you reach for some food. This will help to remind you to check your calendar and to follow through with this plan.

When you write out your description of the conflict, use two sentences to describe the conflict from your perspective and two sentences from how you think the other party views or viewed the conflict. Remember to use the DIG Conflict Model for doing this.

In addition to these weekly calendar reminders, also draw a double circle on your calendar on a day that falls close to a month after you start this plan. Pick a day for the double circle day that you can spare a half hour to do the following: Take down from your refrigerator your list of the different conflicts that you described each week. Go to the first post of this blog and then begin to flip through the next 5 blog posts one by one by pressing the link below each post that takes you to the next post in the series. You’ll find these next post links toward the bottom right of each post just before the comments section. They appear as arrows pointing toward the right. As you skim through each of these posts, think about how they might apply to any of your recent experiences and take note of some ideas that have begun to fade from your memory.

Read over a few of the comics. This will refresh your memory of some of the ideas that are connected to how the comic was used in the post. It will also help you to keep your sense of humor as you wrestle with your conflict problems.

When you come upon posts that are specifically related to the various conflicts you described over the course of the month, thoroughly reread them. If you have resolved any of the conflicts, write out the resolution and comment how well the resolution worked out.

As you do this, from time to time you will come up with some ideas about how you can better handle a similar conflict if it should come up in the future. Write these ideas out. Then, close your eyes and imagine you are carrying out these ideas. Rehearse what you would say in your mind, how you would say it, and how you would reply depending on three or four possible reactions from the other party in the conflict.

Once you can smoothly carry out your imaginary rehearsal, do it three more times. It helps to practice a little beyond just being smooth because this will help you to carry them out if the situation becomes emotionally charged.

After the first month of carrying out this plan, do it again each month over the course of a full year and you will find that you now can almost instantly describe conflicts using the DIG Conflict Model. Moreover, you will have been practicing for a full year how to apply the conflict resolution skills taught on this blog to the types of conflicts you tend to face in your own life.

To help you to follow through with this skill enhancement strategy, let someone who is particularly reliable know about this plan. Have that person ask you once a week if you have followed through with this plan. During these reminders, spend a few minutes to discuss with this reliable person what you have been learning.

Such help should not go without a reward. Let the person who is to be giving you the reminder know that if you manage to complete a whole year of this exercise, you will treat him or her to dinner at a fine restaurant. If you are too young to take someone out for dinner, then see if your parents will be your reminder. Parents can often be persuaded to help their sons and daughters just out of pure love.

A fun way to supplement this strategy is to read the Cool Steve Trilogy, a coming of age series of three novels that take you on exciting adventures of a boy and his friends seeking to learn the secrets of becoming respected (see HERE). There you will find endearing characters that face many of the challenges that we all do. How they grapple with them will deepen your own understanding of how to handle similar challenges when you come face to face with them.

Conflict resolution training programs have not advanced so far as to eliminate the need for problem solving every now and then. Nor has there been an intervention created that will keep anger from rearing its mischievous head from time to time. In order to prepare for such events, I encourage you to view lapses in your skills not as a sign of helplessness, but as a sign to get yourself as quickly and safely as you can to the region of challenge. Once there, wisely use the relative period of peace and calm.

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Tags conflict management, conflict resolution, conflict resolution skills, DIG Conflict Model, emotional maturity, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, psychological maturity, wisdom

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CAN A CONFLICT EVER BE TRULY RESOLVED?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 4, 2014
2 Comments on CAN A CONFLICT EVER BE TRULY RESOLVED?

“How’d things work out between Blondie and you?” you ask in a concerned voice upon running into your friend, Dagwood. “Did you manage to resolve your conflict?”

“Yeah, um…well, I’m kinda not sure,” he replies.

When it comes to whether or not a conflict has been resolved, sometimes people feel confused, or they end up engaging in needless arguments about this. Today we spend some time clarifying this issue.

The DIG Conflict Model removes much of the uncertainty about this issue by:

being precise about the definition of a conflict
introducing the concept of conflict intensity
being precise about the point at which a conflict is resolved
introducing the concept of related conflicts

The Definition of a Conflict

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

Party A desires an act will occur.
Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire.
Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

When using the DIG Conflict Model, we describe a conflict by using the word “DIG” to remind us to identify the three conflict conditions, the desire, the interference, and the guilt. Sometimes a given situation has more than one conflict but people end up getting confused because they think that all of the conflicts are one big conflict. When using the DIG Conflict Model, we clearly describe each of the conflicts separately and systematically. This process dramatically reduces confusion and simplifies finding resolutions to each of the separate conflicts. Sometimes we have to dig to identify all of the conflicts in a situation but the DIG Conflict Model provides us some tools to make this relatively easy (see posts titled DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER and RESOLVING RECURRING CONFLICTS).

Conflict Intensity

Toward reaching our goal of reducing confusion about whether or not a conflict has been resolved, we have just clarified what it means to have a conflict. We now move on toward this goal by learning about the intensity of a conflict.

The three conditions of a conflict (desire, interference and guilt) are not just present whenever a conflict exists. Each of these three conditions may be present at a very high degree, a medium degree, or a low degree.

As an example, let’s say that in the picture on the right, John desires Mary with all of his might. Asked to rate how much he desires Mary on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the greatest desire he can possibly have, he rates his desire for her a 10.

We asked John a few months later to rate his desire for Mary. Some of Mary’s mannerisms have begun to annoy him, and there are times when he has begun to think of finding a new girlfriend. He still has some desire for her but at a lower degree then when he first met her. This example illustrates how the desire component of a conflict can vary over time.

Now let’s look at an example of how the interference component of a conflict can be present at higher and lower degrees. In the picture on the left, Sue desires to get to a long-eared stuffed animal but Fred is interfering. Sue knows Fred pretty well and she is convinced that once he decides to not let her get something, he usually sticks to it for quite some time. Asked to rate how much Fred is likely to interfere with the achieving of her desire on a 1 to 10 scale, she answers 8.

But let’s say a few months later Fred’s behavior begins to change. He still will interfere with Sue achieving her desire to get something but only for a minute or two. By then he has grown tired of that game. When Sue wants to get her long-eared friend down from the shelf and Fred tries to stop her, she knows that by waiting for a short period of time things will work out fine. Now when asked to rate how much Fred will interfere with her achieving her desire, she answers 2.

Finally, let’s look at an example of how the guilt component of a conflict can be present at higher or lower degrees. In this picture on the right, Mike comes home from work and sees his wife and some guy in each other’s arms passionately kissing. Mike’s first reaction is that his wife and this guy are guilty of doing something terribly wrong. If he was asked to rate just how guilty they were, he might say 10. But let’s say that moments after he first sees this kissing scene he notices that there are four other people in the room all holding a script for a play.

His wife quickly withdraws from the embrace of the male stranger and warmly greets her husband. Then she says, “Honey, I got the part I tried out for. We’re all here rehearsing.”

Now Mike recalls that his wife did have plans to go this morning to a play audition. He doesn’t like the fact that his wife usually gets sexy, passionate parts, but he had agreed to marry her anyway.

Once Mike understands that his wife was rehearsing her part in a play when he had walked into the house, he still feels uncomfortable about what he had seen, but he now recognizes that his wife and the male stranger are not as guilty as he originally thought. If asked to rate how guilty they are, he may say 2, or even a zero.

In the DIG Conflict Model, the higher each of the three components are rated, the higher the intensity of the conflict. Sometimes when a conflict’s intensity had been very high, if it is no longer as high, people think the conflict has been resolved, but not according to the DIG Conflict Model.

The Point that a Conflict is Resolved

According to the DIG Conflict Model:

Whenever Party A perceives that a conflict exists, it will be resolved from Party A’s perspective when Party A lowers his or her rating of any of the three conflict conditions to zero.

An example of a resolved conflict will be provided in the next section. But first, let’s take a look at what a related conflict is. Then we will be familiar with four important aspects of conflicts–its precise definition, its degrees of intensity, the point that it is resolved and that some conflicts are related to other conflicts. Then we will see how this will help us to avoid many misunderstandings that lead to needless confusion and arguments.

Related Conflicts

The best way to understand what is meant by a related conflict is by considering the following parable:

The Parable of Jack in the Restaurant

A dad takes his wife and five-year old son, Jack, to a restaurant. Jack’s meal comes first, a nice big plate of spaghetti and meatballs. After Jack quickly shovels into his mouth a couple of forkfuls of his dinner, the dad says, “That looks pretty good, Jack. Do you mind if I have a little taste of the tomato sauce? If I like it, I might want to get something with it next time we come.”

“NO, DAD! I just have enough for me!”

This is frustrating to the dad and he perceives that he has a conflict with his son because he desires a taste of the sauce and perceives that his son is interfering with his desire. Additionally, he believes his son is guilty of being selfish.

As he thinks about what to do about this conflict, his wife and he receive the meals that they ordered.

About fifteen minutes later, the dad still desires a taste of the sauce, but not quite as intensely as before because his hunger has subsided. He then glances over to Jack and notices that there is about half of his original portion of spaghetti left on his plate and the pace of his eating has slowed up quite a bit. His son’s desire to eat his spaghetti has also become less intense.

“Jack,” the dad says softly, “do you still mind if I have just a little taste of your sauce?”

“Sure, you can have some, Dad. I’m starting to get full.” And with that, Jack slides about a third of the remaining spaghetti on his dad’s plate while making sure that there is an ample amount of sauce along with it.

In the fifteen minutes that the dad first desired a taste of the sauce, the situation transformed from a clear conflict situation to a non-conflict situation because the dad has achieved his desire to taste the sauce. But wait! A minute later, the dad, still a bit bugged about something, suddenly realizes he still does have a conflict with his son. He tries to summarize it by using the DIG Conflict Model. “I desire that Jack not be selfish,” he thinks to himself, “but his actions at dinner suggest that he will continue to interfere with this desire if I don’t do something about it, and he’ll continue to be guilty of being selfish.”

This conflict, although related to the earlier one, is different for it has a different desire. The original conflict’s desire was about getting a taste of the tomato sauce. That conflict was resolved when the dad got a taste of the tomato sauce. If asked to rate how much he wants to taste the sauce right now on a 1 to 10 scale, he would say zero. This new conflict’s desire is about Jack not being selfish. Thus it is different enough to be thought of as a new conflict with perhaps a distinctly different set of approaches required to address it.

Now that the dad has clarified in his mind what the new conflict is all about, he begins to reflect upon possible resolutions. “Perhaps I expect too much from a five-year old boy. There is still plenty of time to teach Jack to care about others, and as he matures, he may just naturally become more altruistic. Perhaps it might help if I tell Jack some stories, from time to time, about heroes who act in unselfish ways even when they are hungry or are struggling to meet other needs. And if I model altruistic behavior for Jack with my own behavior, this too can help. As I think on this some more it occurs to me that maybe in the future if I would like to have a taste of Jack’s food, it would be wise for me to wait until he is at least half done with it. This way, if Jack was in a particularly irritable mood because of his hunger, he will have some time to take care of his own hunger desires and to calm down a bit.”

A conflict is related to another conflict when at least one of the three conflict conditions of the original conflict is similar to at least one of the conflict conditions of the other conflict. In the parable about Jack and his dad, initially the dad had the following conflict with his son— I desire a taste of the sauce and perceive that in attempting to get a taste, Jack will create a loud disturbance in the restaurant. Additionally, I believe Jack is acting selfish. A few minutes later, the dad, recognizing he has resolved his first conflict but now has another conflict, says to himself, I want Jack to not be selfish, but his actions at dinner suggest that he will continue to act selfishly if I don’t do something about it. It’s wrong to be selfish.” Both the initial conflict and its related conflict are connected because both of their guilt conflict conditions are similar (Jack is guilty of being selfish).

Discussion

We have now become familiar with four aspects of a conflict–its precise definition, its degrees of intensity, the point that it is resolved and that some conflicts are related to other conflicts. Familiarity of these four aspects of conflicts help to avoid some unnecessary confusion and arguments.

For example, let’s say a young woman named Sally had a very high intensity conflict with her boyfriend. A week later she now finds that it is much less intense. She may think, perhaps it has been resolved. How can she decide?

She can begin by describing her conflict when it originally surfaced using the DIG Conflict Model. Then she can rate what the degree of each of the three components (desire, interference and guilt) had been on a scale of 1 to 10 . Then she can rate each of these three components as they are currently perceived. If none of the three components are at zero, she would recognize that she still has the same conflict with her boyfriend, but it is just at a lower intensity.

This process clarifies in her mind that she still has some work to do if she really wants to fully resolve the conflict. It also draws her attention to each of the three specific components of the conflict.

If you practice using this process, in time you will discover that this simplifies what remains to be done and opens avenues that may lead to problem solutions. For an excellent illustration of this, see the post titled THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION.

Now, let’s change our Sally example a bit. This time she goes through the process of clearly defining her conflict and rating the degree of each of its three conditions. She discovers that she actually did resolve her original conflict, but it has turned into a related conflict. She now has a clear way to understand what has happened. Moreover, as with the Jack in the Restaurant parable, the process of defining precisely what the new conflict is can point her to some solutions she might not have otherwise considered. Recall that Jack’s dad, once he clarified in his mind what his related conflict’s desire is–reducing his son’s selfishness–found it helpful for coming up with ideas about how to teach his son to become more altruistic.

Well, I hope you find in this week’s post some food for thought. May you all have a week with some peace, some excitement and moments of wonder.

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Tags arguments, conflict intensity, conflict management, Conflict Model, conflict resolution, confusion, desire, desires, DIG Conflict Model, dispute management, emotional intelligence, guilt, wisdom

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DIG for the Conflict

To become a master at dealing with disrespectful acts, an important skill to learn is to identify the reason you are being treated this way. In future blogs, I will discuss a total of eight reasons. Today we’ll focus just on one of them.

Oftentimes the reason for the insulting behavior is that the insulter has a conflict with you. If you can quickly identify the conflict in very simple, clear terms, you will help both you and the other party to resolve the underlying cause for the disrespectful behavior. Therefore, today’s blog post begins to teach you how to do this. First, I’ll clarify what we mean when we use the word “conflict.” Then I’ll teach you a simple strategy to summarize a conflict as you deal with disrespectful behavior.

WHAT IS A CONFLICT

When I look to see if someone has a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what the person DESIRES in this situation, what is INTERFERING with the person’s desire, and whether or not the person believes someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

USING DIG TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR

Suppose I suggest to Judy that she should consider quitting her highly stressful job, and she responds as follows:

blog2realpicture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Feeling that the way Judy yelled at me is insulting, I could yell back at her that she is stupid. Would that help to resolve the conflict or make it more intense?

Consider another approach. I respond to Judy in a very concerned way, saying “Wow, you really got upset about what I said. Are you OK?”

Then, I listened in a caring manner to Judy’s reply, and summarize what she has said, thus reassuring her that I had listened. I then look to see if she has a conflict with me. I do this by remembering the word “DIG.” That reminds me to look for Judy’s DESIRE, what she might think I did to INTERFERE with her desire, and what she thinks I am GUILTY of doing wrong.

Now, from Judy’s reply to me, I might not know for sure what the desire, the interfering act, or the guilt is in the conflict. So, I would ask her some questions to clarify what she wants/desires me to do differently in the future. I might ask, for example, “Judy, from what you said, I think you desire from me that I don’t give you my opinion unless you ask for it. Is that right?”

Let’s say she responds, “No, that’s not it. I think your idea that I should quit my job makes no sense. How will I pay my bills?”

Now, I have a clearer idea about her concern. However, I might not be sure why my giving her my opinion about her quitting her job would interfere with whatever she wants to do, so I could ask her in a caring manner a question or two to clarify this.

Finally, because Judy became angry with my suggestion, it seems that she thinks I am guilty of doing something wrong. So I might gently ask her about this, with the goal of avoiding, if at all possible, doing again what she thinks I was guilty of doing.

Now, it is certainly possible to have a desire-interference problem in which neither party is viewed as guilty for doing anything wrong. For example, let us suppose that after working for a few years I desire to become a nurse. I realize interfering with fulfilling my desire is, I don’t have the credentials to become a nurse. I don’t blame myself for this, but I still have to figure out how to earn the necessary credentials.

This is just a brief introduction to the DIG approach. We’ll be going over some more specifics of how to use the DIG model in future posts. For example, some of the questioning that we use to clarify what are the desire, the interference, and the guilt components of the conflict might be better persued when the angry person has had some time to calm down. But for now, I’ll just point out that when you get skilled at this model, you would show a genuine interest in people who become upset with you and that you care enough about them to try to clarify what the issues are.

There is far more to resolving a conflict than clearly identifying the conflict. In future posts, step by step, we will be learning techniques for doing so. But showing an interest in why someone is upset and clarifying the nature of the conflict are important first steps.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that describes a conflict that you had with someone. In your description, identify each of the elements of the DIG Conflict Model, that is, the desire, the interfering act, and the perceived guilt.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, DIG Conflict Model, dig for the conflict, respect