For those of us who seek to be respected, increasing our wisdom offers a promising path. In thinking about this, I recall a paragraph by John Stewart Mill:
John Stuart Mill
“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner.
It’s not easy for many people to listen carefully to someone criticizing them, but I have found it is a skill that can be learned, and very much worth the effort. I offer free suggestions for going about doing this in a variety of my earlier posts (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). It requires a few weeks of effort, but it is well worth your time.
In thinking about other aspects of what it means to be wise, it might be worthwhile to think about how some thoughtful people define it. Over the years, having read quite a few such definitions, I have come to view it as follows:
Individuals who tend to act wisely can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining open and civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, while continuing to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful short term and long term accomplishments.
If you want to see how other thoughtful writers define wisdom, I recommend an article titled “Wisdom: Meaning, Structure, Types, Arguments, and Future Concerns.” There you will find all the definitions of wisdom offered by leading minds throughout history. Reading these definitions, might, by itself lead you to take some important steps toward approaching wisdom. Here’s a suggestion that may help to more deeply consider how such definitions might lead to incorporate principles of wisdom into your own life.
Write down a personal concern that you have, one in which you have not yet decided how best to deal with. Then write out how you imagine you will deal with it. Then, read over a few definitions of wisdom, and then try to utilize some aspect of the definition for dealing with your concern. Write out specifically what you will do differently in light of the definition.
Do this exercise with other concerns over the following four weeks. By doing so, I think you will find yourself beginning to beneficially incorporate principles of wisdom into your life.
Finally, to increase your wisdom, seek to improve how kind you are to others and yourself.
So, there you have it, my suggestions this week for turning insults to respect.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE
Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Let’s start off this post with a brief tale that illustrates some of the strong feelings that come about when religion is discussed:
A rabbi and atheist are heatedly arguing over whether or not god truly exists. After a whole hour of this, finally the rabbi cries out in a rage, “How can you be so absolutely certain that there is no god!?”
“Hey,” cries the atheist, “a person has to believe in something!”
Neither of these two characters in this tale respects the position of the other. It illustrates my experience of regularly meeting people who insult others with whom they disagree on religious matters.
Isaac Bashevis Singer
At times, I sympathize with some of these expressed feelings. I remember reading a short story by Isaac Bashevis Singer titled “Yentl the Yeshiva Boy.” It tells us about a girl named Yentl who wants to enter a school to learn about a subject that greatly interests her, but according to the leaders of her Jewish community she is excluded solely because she is a woman. That seems unfair to me.
Then I learned about Malala Yousafzai and two other young female students who, on 9 October 2012, were shot by people who, based on their religious convictions, believed girls should not go to school. And more recently, in 2022, I read of a religiously motivated man stabbing novelist Salman Rushdie because Rushdie had written a story that included what some viewed as an irreverent depiction of Muhammad.
Salman Rushdie
When I learn about these types of stories, I do get an instant negative reaction about religion. But my mind quickly turns to the fact that the people I personally know do not condone violence against anyone because of their religious or non-religious convictions.
In thinking deeply about these issues, my mind always drifts to the ideas of William James, the esteemed Harvard professor of psychology and philosophy, and author of The Varieties of Religious Experience.
William James on Religion
James lived from 1842 to 1910, and throughout his lifetime faced some extremely challenging ideas about this topic. To begin with, his father, was a deeply religious person. Though James frequently expressed a great admiration for his dad, he, himself, had just the slightest connection to religious feelings. He expressed this connection in a letter to James Henry Leuba on April 17, 1904:
My personal position is simple. I have no living sense of commerce with a God. I envy those who have, for I know the addition of such a sense would help me immensely. The divine, for my active life, is limited to abstract concepts, which, as ideals, interest, and determine me, but do so faintly, in comparison, with what a feeling of God might affect, if I had one. It is largely a question of intensity, but differences of intensity may make one whole center of energy shift. Now, although I am so devoid of religious feelings in the director and stronger sense, yet there is something in me, which makes response when I hear utterances made from that lead by others. I recognize the deeper voice. Something tells me, “thither lies truth”– and I am sure it is not all theistic habits and prejudice of infancy. Those are Christian; and I have grown so out of Christianity that entanglement therewith on the part of a mystical utterance has to be abstracted from and overcome, before I can listen. Call this, if you like, my mystical germ. It is a very common germ. It creates the rank and file of believers. As it withstands in my case, so will withstand in most cases, all purely atheistic criticism, but interpretive criticism (not of the mere “hysteria” and “nerves” order) it can energetically combine with. Your criticism seems to amount to a pure non possumus [inability]: “Mystical deliverances must be infallible revelations in every particular, or nothing. Therefore, they are nothing, for anyone else their owner.” Why may they not be something, although not everything?
Your only consistent position, it strikes me, would be a dogmatic atheistic naturalism; and, without any mystical germs in us, that, I believe, is where we all should unhesitatingly be today.
Once allow the mystical germ to influence our beliefs, and I believe that we are in my position. Of course, the “subliminal” theory is an inessential hypothesis, and the question of pluralism or monism is equally inessential.
I am letting loose a deluge on you!… but I had to restate my position more clearly. Yours truly,
Wm. James
Meanwhile, many of the experts in his field believed those who were religious were suffering from a pathological condition. In his book, “The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study In Human Nature,” he responded by calling this pathologizing “medical materialism” and critiquing its view as follows.
Medical materialism seems indeed a good appellation for the too simple-minded system of thought which we are considering. Medical materialism finishes up Saint Paul by calling his vision on the road to Damascus a discharging lesion of the occipital cortex, he being an epileptic. It snuffs out Saint Teresa as an hysteric, Saint Francis of Assisi as an hereditary degenerate. George Fox’s discontent with the shams of his age, and his pining for spiritual veracity, it treats as a symptom of a disordered colon. Carlyle’s organ-tones of misery it accounts for by a gastro-duodenal catarrh. All such mental overtensions, it says, are, when you come to the bottom of the matter, mere affairs of diathesis (auto-intoxications most probably), due to the perverted action of various glands which physiology will yet discover.
James goes on from here to point out that it is true, of course, that psychology has found that there are definite psycho-physical connections that “hold good”. Psychology, therefore, assumes as a convenient hypothesis that the dependence of mental states on bodily conditions must be thoroughgoing and complete. If we adopt the assumption, then of course what medical materialism insists on must be true in a general way, if not every detail…. But now, I ask you, how can such an existential account of facts of mental history decide in one way or another on their spiritual significance? According to the general postulate of psychology just referred to, there is not a single one of our states of mind, high or low, healthy or morbid, that has not some organic process as its condition. Scientific theories are organically conditioned just as much as religious emotions are; and if we only knew the facts intimately enough, we should doubtless see “the liver” determining the dicta of the sturdy atheist as decisively as it does those of the Methodist under conviction anxious about his soul. When it alters one way the blood that percolates it, we get the Methodist, when in another way, we get the atheist form of mind. So of all our raptures and our drynesses, our longings and pantings, our questions and beliefs. They are equally organically founded, be they religious or of non-religious content.
James points out that in the natural sciences and industrial arts it never occurs to anyone to refute opinions by putting down their authors’ neurological constitutions. Value is determined by “judgments based on our own immediate feelings primarily; and secondarily on what we can ascertain of their experiential relations to our moral needs and to the rest of what we hold as true.” All states of mind are related in extremely complex ways to neural functions.The significance of each state of mind must be tested, not by its neurological origins, but by the value of its fruits. When the term “pathological” is applied to an experience, it wrongly implies a neutral science classification.
At another point in his career, James, wrote an an essay in response to philosopher Thomas Huxley and other great champions of the scientific method who were criticizing religious beliefs. James titled his essay, “The Will to Believe.” There he wrote that it was designed to be a “justification of faith, a defense of our right to adopt a believing attitude in religious matters, in spite of the fact that our merely logical intellect may not have been coerced.” It goes on to say,
Our nonintellectual nature does influence our convictions. Once we recognize this, we have a duty “to ask whether it be simply reprehensible and pathological, or whether, on the contrary, we must treat it as a normal element in making up our minds.
Discussion
Jeff Rubin, PhD
It is perfectly natural that folks vary in the degree that some aspect of life interests them, When I was growing up, I never once felt a call to become an accountant. Some people chose voluntarily to enter into that career, and love it. Some people have no motivation to learn to play a musical instrument. I was motivated to learn the piano and guitar, but just devoted myself to playing several times per week for 15 to 30 minutes. Others devote enough time to playing so they achieve a professional level. They go on from there to play in a band for two or more hours nightly and love it.
William James’s father valued his religious sentiment, invited similar interested folks to his home for long evenings of discussions about religious experiences. As we have seen, for Professor James, his religious feelings were of a far less intensity. “The divine, for my active life, is limited to abstract concepts, which, as ideals, interest, and determine me, but do so faintly, in comparison, with what a feeling of God might affect, if I had one.”
My own religious feelings are much more in line with Professor James’s than his father’s. Nevertheless, I don’t disrespect those folks who are more or less religious than I.
Some religious folks, I have found, are kind and pleasant, while others express their religious faith in ways that I feel is unfair or even horribly violent. Similarly, I have found that there are atheists who are kind and decent folks, while others do as awful actions as the very worst religious folks. In the end, like James, I judge a person not by their degree of religiosity, but by the fruit that comes from a person’s full range of beliefs.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Welcome to From Insults to Respect.As you might imagine, people who are viewed as wise tend to be more respected than people who are viewed as foolish. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few suggestions for improving our wisdom.
Assessing Openness
Consider, if you will, an old joke–If you want people to respect you for your wisdom, just agree with everything they tell you.
As a joke, it works, but is it truly a wise approach for increasing your wisdom? In thinking about this, let’s take a look at some advice Thomas Jefferson once gave to his daughter.
“Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view. What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”
Now, for some people, this makes perfect sense. However, others respect individuals who are forthright about their opinions, and personally enjoy a lively exchange even with someone who holds very different views from their own. For these folks, being with someone who either just agrees with everything they say, or just nods at whatever they say, is boring.
John Stuart Mill is a fine example of someone who respects a conversation with people holding different views, as we see in his 1859 book titled On Liberty. There he declares that if people express an opinion different than our own, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,
let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…in the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.
Here we see a man who was very open to hearing an opinion very different from his own, and having discussions about what he thought was wrong. This, he believed, profit people, leading to a better understanding of the subject.
So, when deciding whether to acquiesce to the opinions of others, remaining silent, or taking up the challenge of presenting your alternative views, consider the wisdom of first assessing if the person you are interacting with has an “open minded” or “close minded” personality.
People who tend to be high in the trait of openness are more willing to embrace new things, fresh ideas, and novel experiences. When they hear someone who disagrees with them, they are interested to explore how that someone thinks about the subject. People who are close minded, in contrast, upon hearing someone disagreeing with them, close up like a turtle while experiencing defensiveness.
Therefore, when with people you don’t yet know whether or not they are open minded and you hear them express an opinion with which you disagree, you might want to first assess where they are on this open minded-close minded continuum. This can be easily done by you by first summarizing their opinion, showing an interest by asking a few clarifying questions, and then saying something like, “I heard a different opinion about this topic, and I’d like to get your reaction.” Then, after briefly describing the alternative view, see if the person indicates an openness to discuss this. If he or she starts to get defensive by saying something like, “That’s stupid,” and, “Only idiots think that way,” it may be wise to take the discussion no further.
Notice that with this approach, you don’t initially claim that the alternative position is correct, or that it is something you firmly believe, thus avoiding leading people you are talking with to feel you have attacked them for their belief.
If the person appears open to a friendly discussion that includes different views, then have at it, but avoid saying things like “that’s stupid.” Stick to reasoned arguments, make sure you give the other person plenty of time to respond, try to find some merit in at least some aspects of the view you generally disagree with, and aim to be humble. In this context, what do I mean by being humble? It is avoiding presenting your views in a tone that suggests you are absolutely right, and the other position is absolutely wrong. You want to present the image that you are open to considering all that is being said.
In Situations In Which You Will Be Repeatedly Interacting With People, Utilize The “Summarize And Delay Technique”
In many social situations, if you find that you don’t enjoy them, it is a simple matter to avoid them in the future. Not so in many workplace situations, or at school where attending is mandatory. Also, when invited to a social party, you may want to keep getting invited to future parties with these folks even if some of the attendees are not your cup of tea. This may be so because you enjoy most of the attendees, or your regular participation at attending provides valuable information about what is going on in the neighborhood.
In these repeated social interactions, you are likely to hear every now and then a topic raised, and some may say something about it with which you disagree. To increase how much respect those in attendance view your wisdom consider the following.
Just make a note of the topics that have come up for the first time, while avoiding taking a clear position on it. If someone asks you for your opinion, summarize the topic, and summarize what others have already said about it. Then say you want to give this some thought because you think the issues may be somewhat more complicated than what may appear at first to be the case. Then say that after you give this some deeper thought, you’ll be delighted to share what you have learned.
Then, over the next few days, search on the internet, or go to the library to find some well thought out views on each of the topics by some respected writers. Seek to find some great writers who have different views on the same topic.
When this research is complete to your satisfaction, write out what you want to say about the topic with an eye of balancing short term and long term goals, and how different situations might call for different approaches. Your opening paragraph is best framed as something you can say in a couple of minutes. Finally, have someone you respect critique what you wrote. By doing this, your comments at your social gathering will tend to be far wiser than if you just jump into expressing your opinion without utilizing this technique.
When you do provide your opinion, begin by noting that you have found that different respected authorities have come to very different conclusions on this topic. Be prepared to be able to summarize these different views, but your opening statement is best kept to the one or two minute paragraph that you crafted when you wrote out your entire position, because typically people don’t appreciate a long lecture. If people you are talking with are really interested in delving into the topic, they will make some reply, perhaps presenting an alternative view.
After giving others an ample opportunity to comment, you can then provide more of your opinion in a two or three minute segment. Then, once again, let others respond, and continue in this give and take manner. Present your own conclusions in a humble, tentative manner, while remaining open to hearing critiques of what you offer. Avoid, getting defensive, and if someone raises a good point that you have not yet considered, reply humbly with a statement such as, “I think there is some merit in what you have said.” Then summarize it, and say, “I’d like to give this some thought and then I’ll get back to you.”
Conclusion
Wisdom is a prized characteristic. Avoiding angering close minded people for no substantially good reason is one technique that can raise the estimate of your wisdom. Utilizing the “Summarize and Delay” technique will not only increase how others view your wisdom, it may also very well actually increase your wisdom. In your discussion, avoid coming off like you are trying to humiliate those with different views. Rather, empathize with them, and above all, be kind.
These suggested techniques may not turn you into a great sage, but I do humbly think they have the potential of substantially increasing your wisdom.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
When his father lost his job because of a serious illness, John qualified for a free lunch pass at school. The first time John showed the cashier at the school’s lunch line his pass, Fred, a husky boy standing behind John, started to laugh and cry out to others, “Hey guys, get a load of this! John has a free lunch pass. What’s the matter, John, your parents can’t afford to buy you lunch.”
“That will be enough of that, Fred!” scolded the cashier. At that same moment, John turned to Fred and hollered, “Shut your big mouth, you fat pig!” Both boys started swinging at each other, and it took three school officials to pull them apart.
Insults and The Wisdom Of My Youth
When I was growing up in Brooklyn, I, along with everyone I knew, had to deal with insults, and this was not always an easy task. The entire body of wisdom that I received on how to handle these types of experiences basically amounted to a mere three sentences:
1. “If people throw an insult at you, throw an insult right back at them.”
2. “If throwing insults back at the insulter doesn’t shut them up, slug them right in the kisser, that’ll teach them to keep their big mouth shut!”
3. “You should just ignore insults.”
Despite these words of advice, I found that when those that I knew and I had insults thrown at us, often a great deal of strong emotions would arise, and the way we handled these situations often left behind an uncomfortable, often bitter, state of affairs.
Difficulty Dealing With Insults Extends Far Beyond Brooklyn’s Borders
As years went by, I found that difficulty dealing with insults was not just something that occurred in Brooklyn; it was actually a problem area for many throughout the world.
As I began to study psychology at the University of Minnesota, I found that many individuals who seek mental health services because of concerns around feelings of depression often are spending a great amount of time insulting themselves. A major reason that they do this is that they know people who are treating them disrespectfully, or when they were younger, someone had treated them in a very disrespectful manner. I also found that violent offenders typically become violent because they perceive that someone had insulted them, the situation escalated and eventually someone was seriously hurt. Now the community was paying millions of dollars to deal with the aftermath.
A Brooklyn Boy Tries to Improve On the Wisdom Of His Youth
As I began my professional career in Rochester, New York, immediately I received referrals from teachers who wanted me to help students who were having difficulty handling insults. I quickly learned that the same three wisdom sentences that I had learned to respond to criticism when I was growing up in Brooklyn were already well known to these students, and despite this, things weren’t going at all well. And so it fell upon me to try to come up with some better ways to deal with these types of problems.
I soon found some approaches that worked rather well. Of course, I always began by making a personal connection with the student by asking what they liked to do. Usually some things that they liked were things I liked as well. Rock music, some of the talented athletes of the day, a TV program or two, would come up, and once our enthusiasm for a few topics were shared, we would get on with working on some new ways to deal with insults. Throughout this process, they would criticize me from time to time, and I sought to model the patterns of behavior I hoped these students would learn.
Illustration by Lois Hubertz
Before long, I would point out that everyone experiences name calling, insults, and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and rock stars. If someone insults you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.
I then tell them the story of John and how Fred laughs at him on the lunch line when he uses, for the first time, his free lunch pass. Afterwards, I ask:
“Why do you think Fred laughs at John?”
The typical response is, “It’s because Fred is mean.”
“It may seem that way,” I reply, but think about this for a moment. Comedians have learned that if they pretend to accidentally trip and fall down, people laugh. Why do you think they laugh?”
Typical answer: “It’s just funny.”
Me: “Did you ever laugh when you saw somebody trip and fall?”
Typical answer: “Yeah.”
Me: “Because you’re mean?”
Typical answer: “No.”
Me: Well then, how come?
Typical answer: “It’s just funny.”
Me: “Sometimes it does seem to be funny. But you know why I think people laugh?”
Typical answer: “Why?”
Me: “I think that when people see someone trip and fall, it reminds them of when they, themselves, tripped and fell or messed up in some other embarrassing way. They remember how embarrassing it was, and it is a relief to them to see that they aren’t the only ones who sometimes mess up. It is that relief that they feel that leads to their laugh.
“In that story that I told you about John and Fred, when Fred laughs at John on the lunch line, I think it’s not because he’s being mean. It’s because he recalled that there were times when something embarrassing happened to him. Seeing John use his free lunch pass was a relief to Fred.
“One reason I think this is true is that people who have had the most embarrassing things happen to them are, from my experience, usually the quickest to start to laugh when something embarrassing happens to someone else. They also laugh the loudest, and they are the quickest to tell others of the embarrassing thing that happened to someone else. Do you understand what I mean?”
With this type of discussion, students referred to me very soon get to understand that when someone laughs at you, often it isn’t really because they are being mean to you. Rather, they see that you are similar to them in that you have had to deal with some embarrassing problems, just like them.
Helping students to learn this idea, which takes several reminders in the form of severalCool Steve Stories over several counseling sessions, changes their belief that “people who laugh at me are just being mean.” As they replace that belief with this new idea, their anger is reduced. Thus, it becomes easier to teach them other skills that go way beyond the three-sentence words of wisdom that most people are being taught–skills like how to recognize when laughing at someone begins to go beyond the typical emotional relief that many of us experience when we see someone else do something embarrassing and turns into bullying; and skills like the five levels of maturity for responding to negative criticism (see here and here).
During my professional career I was getting paid to provide advice on these types of interpersonal and intrapersonal problems. Now that I’m comfortably retired, I have a calling to give back something to our communities. So, through my blog, “From Insults to Respect,” I offer, for free, the same advice I used to get paid for. It’s a labor of love.
Conclusion
Let’s conclude today’s post by returning to a situation very similar to the one with which we began. This time, however, thirteen-year old John, had had quite a bit of practice on handling this type of situation with a wise teacher before he met Fred. Now, faced with Fred’s laughter and comment, John chooses to respond on the lunchroom line in a manner that is very different than my Brooklyn upbringing suggested was wise. Let’s take a look at how this might get played out:
Fred, a husky boy standing behind John, starts to laugh and cries out to others, “Hey guys, get a load of this! John has a free lunch pass. What’s the matter, John, your parents can’t afford to buy you lunch?”
John turns to Fred, looks squarely into Fred’s eyes, and says firmly, “You’re right, Fred, right now my parents can’t afford to buy me lunch.”
A couple of the guys laugh. John says to himself, “They’re laughing because embarrassing things happened to them. They’re feeling inside a sense of relief now that they’re seeing something embarrassing happening to someone else.”
Throughout this process, John does experience within himself some embarrassment at what is taking place. As he notices this, from time to time he says to himself, “My feelings are natural and helpful. They will help me to remember this experience, and lead me to try to figure out how I can work toward improving my current situation.
This time there is no bloody, violent fight that has to be broken up by three school personnel. And although John is not happy with his current situation, he is far more comfortable with it knowing that if he is teased about it, he has a set of skills that has the potential to enhance his reputation.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
William James, psychologist and philosopher, passed away over a century ago. Nevertheless, his remarkable body of work remains as fresh as fruit plucked from its tree but moments ago.
His views about his personal bout with a challenging experience developed over many years. Today I think it will be instructive if we spent a little time reviewing what he learned.
A Glimpse at James’s Early Views on Mental Disorders
We begin in April of 1867. James is 25-years old. Suddenly, he interrupts his medical education and flees to Europe.
Later, on describing the feelings that led to his departure, James wrote “it was as if something hitherto solid within my breast gave way entirely, and I became a mass of quivering fear. . . . I awoke morning after morning with a horrible dread in the pit of my stomach.”
William and Henry James’s Father, with Young Henry on the right
Several years went by and then, gradually, James’s spirits lifted. His father, noticing the difference in him, asked about it, and then relayed the news by letter to another son, Henry, in March, 1873:
He came in here the other afternoon when I was sitting alone, and after walking the floor in an animated way for a moment, exclaimed “Dear me! What a difference there is between me now and me last spring this time: then so hypochondriacal” (he used that word, though perhaps in substantive form) “and now feeling my mind so cleared up and restored to sanity. It is the difference between life and death.” He had a great effusion. I was afraid of interfering with it, or possibly checking it, but I ventured to ask what especially in his opinion had promoted the change. He said several things: the reading of Renouvier (specially his vindication of the freedom of the will) and Wordsworth, whom he has been feeding on now for a good while; but especially his having given up the notion that all mental disorder is required to have a physical basis. This had become perfectly untrue to him. He saw that the mind did act irrespectively of material coercion, and could be dealt with therefore at first-hand, and this was health to his bones.
We see in the above that at this time James viewed his experience that led to his departure from medical school as a “mental disorder.” Moreover, his conceptualization of it had begun to develop from a physiological pathology model to one that gives at least some freedom to the will. In time, his views begin to develop even further.
Letter to Henry James, 1885
The two brothers. Henry is on the left and Professor William James is on the right
William James and his younger brother, Henry, shared an especially close fraternal bond. Historians have greatly benefited from this because the letters that the two brilliant men shared reveal insights about their deepest concerns.
In 1885, now a medical school graduate and teacher at Harvard, James writes to Henry:
To suggest personal will and effort to one “all sicklied o’er” with the sense of weakness, of helpless failure, and of fear, is to suggest the most horrible of things to him. What he craves is to be consoled in his very impotence, to feel the Powers of the Universe recognize and secure him, all passive and failing as he is.
In James’s letter to his brother, we see he has discovered that in marked contrast to his own favorable reaction to suggestions about the effectiveness of will and effort, some people react with horror. Such people view themselves as helpless, weak, passive, and failing. Rather than looking to a creative force within themselves, they look for the Powers of the Universe to fix them.
The Mature James
Toward the end of James’s career, he adds a new way of viewing the types of concerns that affected him so profoundly when he was young. We begin to see this new way when James discusses individuals who view themselves as “healthy-minded.” These individuals believe that those who worry are “morbid-minded” and “diseased.”
James responds to this name calling by stating that those referred to as morbid-minded have argued that “the world’s meaning most comes home to us when we lay them most to heart.”
After describing the argument between the so-called “healthy-minded” and the “morbid-minded,” James then states:
In our attitude, not yet abandoned, of impartial onlookers, what are we to say of this quarrel? It seems to me that we are bound to say that morbid-mindedness ranges over the wider scale of experience, and that its survey is the one that overlaps. The method of averting one’s attention from evil, and living in the light of good is splendid as long as it will work. It will work with many persons; it will work far more generally than most of us are ready to suppose; and within the sphere of its successful operation there is nothing to be said against it as a religious solution. But it breaks down importantly as soon as melancholy comes; and even though one be quite free from melancholy one’s self, there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.
To James, people confront events daily that create feelings of helplessness, pain, sadness, horror, and dread. James argued that the feelings that go along with these kinds of events can lead toward truth. Thus, he counteracts any tendency to assume that those referred to as morbid-minded are automatically inferior to those referred to as “mentally healthy.”
The Development of James’s Views About Mental Health Concerns
And so, starting from James’s own bout with a challenging experience, we see that his views develop over the years. Initially, mental health concerns are “mental disorders” which require a physical basis. He then changes his mind, coming to believe these experiences are not completely controlled by one’s physiology, and therefore they could be dealt with through philosophical and poetic means.
It then occurs to him that in contrast to the benefits that his new perspective had for him, others prefer, even crave, to believe they are helpless in the face of these types of experiences. Finally, James comes to believe that some people can derive benefits from the kinds of challenging experiences that, to many, are properly viewed as symptoms of a diseased mind.
Like James, I have undergone a similar developmental trajectory. As I have dealt with my own challenging experiences, I have, over a good many years, learned to greet them as old friends who have valuable messages to share with me. Sometimes they stay a little longer than I would like, and I may find it frustrating that they don’t always come right out and tell me what these messages are. But my patience, through meditation and the maturity that sometimes comes in the course of passing years, has been steadily improving.
Well, I hope this discussion has deepened the reader’s views of the nature of experiences that lead to people expressing concerns to mental health professionals. Until next time, may all of your concerns be addressed with wisdom, love, and kindness.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Dealing with the frustration that goes along with challenging conflicts has some similarities to sailors dealing with stormy seas—it is best to utilize a well-rehearsed plan.
For dealing with conflicts, one such plan begins with thinking of the word “DIG.” With a little practice, we can use this word to remind us of a simple way to summarize the conflict even in the midst of swirling frustration.
The letters of the word “DIG” aids us to remember the words, “Desire,” “Interference,” and “Guilt.” Once we recall these words, we use them in a particular way.
First, we state what our desire is in the conflict, then, what is interfering, then, why we believe the other party in the conflict is guilty of doing something wrong. After doing this from our perspective, we then go through the same process from the perspective of the other party.
If we are thoroughly practiced in using this skill, the word “DIG“ not only helps us to create this concise description of the conflict even while in the midst of rising anger, it also helps us remember to dig a little to consider not just the most obvious desire that is involved in the conflict, but also what might be other desires that are involved.
Of course, in simple, low frustration conflicts none of this is necessary. There are times, however, that you will find that when all of those around you are beginning to get lost in a storm, your even-tempered, systematic guidance will calm the waters and lead to inviting harbors.
Conflicts in Which Happiness is the Desire
Now, sometimes when we describe a conflict it takes the following form:
“I desire to be happy, but the other party is interfering. The other party is guilty of making my life miserable.”
The desire to be happy has a special place in the life of many of us. Nevertheless, today I would like to advocate that you think twice whenever you, or the other party in a conflict, describes the desire part of the conflict as “to be happy.”
What’s wrong with Happiness as a Desire?
Describing a desire in a conflict as “to be happy” is too vague. With a little effort you can usually dig a little deeper and find a more specific description. Typically, it is better for a boss to say something like, “I desire that you come to work by 9 A.M. at least 95% of the time than, “I desire that you make me happy.”
Another reason to avoid happiness in your descriptions of your desire has to do with earning respect. If you are like so many of us, you probably want to avoid coming off as shallow or having superficial desires. To explain a little more of what I mean by this, I’m going to discuss a little of what Albert Einstein said on this topic and then present a little parable.
Albert Einstein on Happiness
In a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, the first chapter is by Albert Einstein. There he states:
The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle. (p. 4)
When I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, I came away with the following image. He kind of viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth.
This is a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.
To further challenge you to think more deeply about the nature of happiness, please consider the following parable.
The Parable of Probliss
Once upon a green-blue planet, a scientist invented Probliss, a super powerful happiness pill. It made people as happy as anyone ever dreamed of. In fact Probliss was so effective in improving the happiness in people’s lives that a group of psychiatrists developed a plan that would have all of the people on the planet lie down on gurneys in sanitized rooms and then be hooked up intravenously so nourishment and Probliss could be directly delivered into the veins of everyone. If at any point people felt a little less than perfectly happy, all they had to do was press down with a fingertip and wonderful Probliss would soar into their lives creating pure, pure happiness.
Some didn’t like this plan. “What, no music, no love, no friends? Man, that sounds bleak!”
“True, none of that,” said the psychiatrists, “but far more happiness.”
And it came to pass that studies were done. The results proved indisputable–those on these gurneys who were attached to these machines that provided nourishment and Probliss developed far fewer diseases. They lived over ten years longer, and they were less of a danger to themselves or others when compared to those who lived their lives going out in the world without Probliss. Those who chose to live their lives in the old way, were much more likely to die in car crashes, accidental falls, and homicides. People on Probliss never died from these types of causes because all they did was lie on the gurney in a completely sterile, happy, and healthy state.
Once these results came in, the psychiatrists decided that everyone, from now on, would be tied down to gurneys, even if it was against their will. “It was for their own good,” the psychiatrists explained.
Now some men and women did manage to escape into a deep, green forest, experiencing anguish and tears, love and creativity, but not perfect happiness.
The End
Conclusion
And so, whenever you think you want to seek happiness, consider the value that goes along with identifying a more specific desire. You’re still likely to experience some happiness while seeking this newly identified desire, and some sadness too as setbacks tend to occur. These alterations of happiness and sadness are part of the process that keeps our lives moving forward. Choose wisely in what direction you truly wish to head. And learn to appreciate that there are deeper values in life than happiness.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Last week’s post, titled ADHD and Psychiatric Name Calling, criticized the prevalent practice of converting concerns about a person’s ability to pay attention into medical lingo. There was a great deal of interest in the post so I decided to present another for your consideration.
Illustration by Deanna Martinez
As I began to craft this, my thoughts went back to my most popular post, Teaching Children How to Deal with Criticism. Since the major reason for its great success is that its ideas largely relied on those of William James, I went back to the great philosopher’s writings to see what he had to say on the ADHD subject.
William James
There is unquestionably a great native variety among individuals in the type of their attention. Some of us are naturally scatterbrained, and others follow easily a train of connected thoughts without temptation to swerve aside to other subjects. This seems to depend on a difference between individuals in the type of their field of consciousness. In some persons this is highly focalized and concentrated, and the focal ideas predominate in determining association. In others we must suppose the margin to be brighter, and to be filled with something like meteoric showers of images, which strike into it at random, displacing the focal ideas, and carrying association in their own direction. Persons of the latter type find their attention wandering every minute, and must bring it back by a voluntary pull. The others sink into a subject of meditation deeply, and, when interrupted, are ‘lost’ for a moment before they come back to the outer world.
The possession of such a steady faculty of attention is unquestionably a great boon. Those who have it can work more rapidly, and with less nervous wear and tear. I am inclined to think that no one who is without it naturally can by any amount of drill or discipline attain it in a very high degree. Its amount is probably a fixed characteristic of the individual. But I wish to make a remark here which I shall have occasion to make again in other connections. It is that no one need deplore unduly the inferiority in himself of any one elementary faculty. This concentrated type of attention is an elementary faculty: it is one of the things that might be ascertained and measured by exercises in the laboratory. But, having ascertained it in a number of persons, we could never rank them in a scale of actual and practical mental efficiency based on its degrees. The total mental efficiency of a man is the resultant of the working together of all his faculties. He is too complex a being for any one of them to have the casting vote. If any one of them do have a casting vote, it is more likely to be the strength of his desire and passion, the strength of interest he takes in what is proposed. Concentration, memory, reasoning power, inventiveness, excellence of the senses,–all are subsidiary to this. No matter how scatter-brained the type of a man’s successive fields of consciousness may be, if he really care for a subject, he will return to it incessantly from his incessant wanderings, and first and last do more with it, and get more results from it, than another person whose attention may be more continuous during a given interval, but whose passion for the subject is of a more languid and less permanent sort. Some of the most efficient workers I know are of the ultra-scatterbrained type. One friend, who does a prodigious quantity of work, has in fact confessed to me that, if he wants to get ideas on a subject, he sits down to work at something else, his best results coming through his mind-wanderings. This is perhaps an epigrammatic exaggeration on his part; but I seriously think that no one of us need be too much distressed at his own shortcomings in this regard. Our minds may enjoy but little comfort, may be restless and feel confused; but it may be extremely efficient all the same. (quote from William James’s Talks To Teachers)
Here we see a true master at work. His sublime summary of the concern, placed in the context of other faculties working together, always lead me to vivid images of the many students I worked with over the years who had little ability to sustain their attention on school work and yet far outperformed outstanding students in such areas as music, athletics, art, computer technology, business, etc. Rather than framing the concern as a disabling mental disorder, James paints a vision that inspires the hope of finding a way to create a life filled with substantial value.
The one assertion that I tentatively disagree with James is that a person’s attention span is probably a fixed characteristic of the individual.
I have regualarly seen children who had a below average ability to attend to school work who, as they grew older did much better. Some of them got over a particularly stressful period in their life. Others learned the value of more physical activity which tired them out, and they began to sleep more soundly. Others seemed to improve for no other apparent reason than becoming more mature.
From my own experience, I found that when I learned to meditate, my ability to sustain my attention on a number of subjects distinctly improved. There are some excellent research studies that back up my own personal experience. For an example, that also reviews several of the other available studies, check out “Intensive Meditation Training Improves Perceptual Discrimination and Sustained Attention” (Psychological Science, Jun 2010; 21(6): 829–839.) Readers of my blog can find a simple to learn, absolutely free, form of meditation in my post “Anger, Rumination and Meditation.”
Let me add here, that in our society there is a push by the pharmaceutical companies to get people viewed as having ADHD to take stimulant drugs like Ritalin or Adderall. These have a number of negative side effects, and in a fairly short period of about a month or two the initial positive effects wane, and those using these drugs are left with the illusion that the drug continues to be helpful. The illusion occurs because once the positive effects wane after a few month of regular use, when the stimulant users don’t take the drug, they begin to have a withdrawal reaction that is uncomfortable and reduces their ability to pay attention. When they then again take the drug, the relief they experience from the withdrawal reaction convinces them that the drug is helping them. Instead, they are left with no better ability to pay attention while experiencing the various side effects of the drug.
Okay, so there are a few more ideas about concerns that come up about someone’s attention. I hope you find them to be helpful.
As always, I encourage readers to join the conversation by making comments in the “Comment” box at the very bottom of this page.
My very best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can clickHERE.
Sometimes we observe people doing things that seem terribly wrong. We may then find, welling up from within, an urgent desire to provide negative criticism.
In earlier posts, in an effort to provide some guidance on how to avoid expressing our concerns in a form that can potentially make a bad situation far worse, I provided a description of 5 levels of maturity for providing negative criticism (see HERE). In many situations, by simply attempting to create a communication that is consistent with the level 5 description, we end up dramatically improving our chance to make a valuable difference. But there are certain subtle situations that require special considerations.
Sometimes the actions you hope to change are intertwined with certain entrenched worldviews. In these types of situations, to expect to encourage people all at once to make what might seem to them to be some enormous change, might be way too much to expect. How better to deal with these situations? In today’s post, I’m going to present a parable that I hope you will find helpful when dealing with these types of situations.
This little parable is based on a story that appears in the bible about Abraham. I’ve taken some creative license in its telling, and based on this altered narrative, I’ve come up with a dramatically different literary interpretation of its meaning than the typical religious interpretation of the actual biblical story. For those who have a deep sense of religion, I don’t mean any disrespect. I do realize that by using a biblical story in this way I may grate upon tender associations, but I simply am unable at this point to derive any alternative that contains this story’s emotional impact. In no way am I attempting to claim that it has some sort of religious authority that some of you may feel for the actual biblical story.
With that said, I now present the story of “The Wisdom of Abraham.”
The Wisdom of Abraham
A few thousand years ago a man named Abraham lived in a village whose inhabitants followed the religion of Ba’al. The village was bound to the economy of the land that depended on the regularity and adequacy of the rains. Anxiety about the rainfall was a continuing concern of the inhabitants and this gave rise to rites to ensure the coming of the rains.
Many of the elders of the community remembered a drought that was so severe that over half the village died of starvation. After that terrible year, some of the Ba’al leadership prayed and reported that their god had spoken to them and commanded that to avoid another similar severe drought the people of the village must sacrifice a couple’s first born child. The people reluctantly obeyed, and from that point on there had never been another drought quite as bad.
Now, in this community, it came to pass that Abraham had a wife, Sara, who, after many, many frustrating years of trying, she, at long last, became pregnant. When the community members heard about this, they all gathered in the village square.
The leader of the community, Hareesh, took out a knife with a golden handle encrusted with sparkling jewels. “Abraham,” Hareesh cried out so all could hear, “after all of your difficulties in getting Sara pregnant you have finally succeeded. God will indeed appreciate your great sacrifice when your child is born. All in the village are so fortunate, for because of your great sacrifice we will surely have a wonderful rainy season and our crops will be bountiful. Let us all thank god.”
“Well, um,” Abraham began to stutter, “um, well I know that in the past it was our tradition to sacrifice our first born child, but, um…”
“Abraham!” cried Hareesh in a booming voice, “there will be no buts about this matter. You will follow the will of god!”
Abraham saw the look on the face of this leader, and he glanced quickly over the faces of the others in the village and it was plain that if he was to object any more he and his wife would be put to the fire, and so he held his tongue.
On the day that Sara gave birth, all again gathered in the village square. And there stood Hareesh with the golden handled, jewel-encrusted knife. “Abraham,” he cried out, “do you want me to do the deed, or do you wish to do the deed yourself?”
“Last night,” Abraham replied, “I prayed and prayed, and then, just as I heard the first cry of my new born son, god oh mighty spoke to me and he did command me to do as other village fathers have done before me. God commanded that I indeed must sacrifice my son. Because of all that Sara and I went through to have this son, god has ordered that this sacrifice must occur in a special holy place up in the mountain in the region known as Mariah. I’m to take my best ram with me for it is a two-day journey to the special holy place and he will help to carry my supplies. I will also take two of my most capable servants. Give me the sacrificial knife and I will follow god’s commandment.”
“Abraham,” cried Hareesh as he fingered the gold handled jewel encrusted knife,” you must do the deed just as god has commanded. But bring back the dead body of your son so we can give him the respected burial he well deserves.” And then Hareesh handed the knife over to Abraham.
And so, Abraham took his son, along with his ram, and two servants up to the mountain. A few days later he returned with his son very much alive. Following beside him was Abraham’s two servants carrying the ram, which was dead, and it had the sacrificial knife stuck in him.
As soon as Abraham had been spotted descending from the mountain, the people of the village began to gather.
“Abraham, your son is still alive!” boomed Hareesh. “What is the meaning of this?!”
“Well,” said Abraham, “I did as god had commanded. On the third day of my journey, I looked up and saw the holy place in the distance. I said to my servants, “Stay here while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then I will come back to you, having sacrificed my son, Isaac.”
“I placed my son on the holy site, and just as I reached back with the knife in my hand, the Lord called out to me from heaven, ‘Abraham! Abraham!’
“‘Here I am,’ I replied.
“And the lord said to me, ‘Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you are my loyal servant, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. And I can see within you, Abraham, how hard it is to bring yourself to do this deed. I am a merciful god, and therefore, from now on no one in your village shall ever sacrifice their first born as a sacrifice for me. Instead, you must sacrifice one of your finest rams.”
“And so, I followed the lord’s commandment and, as you can plainly see, I killed the ram with the sacrificial knife.”
And as Abraham finished his story, his servants laid the dead lamb at the feet of the crowd standing before him. And suddenly a great cry rose up from one segment of the crowd, and Abraham saw that it was from all of the women who were currently pregnant. They were crying that the lord was merciful, and tears were running down their faces. They fell to their knees, yelling, Thank you oh merciful lord, thank you.” And the husbands, realizing they would not have to kill their first born, also began to cry out, “Thank you oh merciful lord, thank you!” And there followed quickly another wave of cries. This time it was from all of the young men and women who had recently married and knew that if this new change had not occurred, they too would have had to sacrifice their first born, and they were greatly pleased. And then, even the men who had sacrificed their own first born, seeing how thrilled their own young sons and daughters were at Abraham’s story, also began to thank god for being so merciful.
Now, Hareesh, and some of his followers, were somewhat skeptical of what Abraham had said, but seeing the great passionate joyful response from almost everyone in the crowd, he held his tongue. Later the leader said, “We will see how the rains come, and if there is a drought, we will know the truth.”
When the rainy season did come, there were at times some ups and downs. But, in the end, overall, there was great agreement that there had been an excellent harvest, and the people were pleased.
The following year, one day, Abraham, who had now become greatly respected in the village, announced to the people that while he was praying, the lord once again spoke to him, saying that he saw that many of the good people of the village who dutifully sacrificed their finest ram each year, were deeply grieved upon doing so. And therefore, the lord, being merciful, has now commanded me to tell you that no longer will we have to sacrifice a ram once a year, instead we must make a sacrifice by fasting once a year for a whole day, from sundown to the next sundown.
Now, most of the people liked this new change, but there were a growing number of villagers who felt that Abraham was beginning to take them too far away from the old ways. And this feeling grew. And in those days, people felt that the only way to settle this was to set up a war council meeting, plan a date to violently fight it out, and those who survived got their way.
But, on the day of the war council meeting, Abraham had many of his biggest warriors standing beside him. And he announced that while he was praying that morning, the lord again had spoken to him and he said, “Among those who want to follow the old ways I see that there are many with beautiful souls, and are good god fearing people. And among those who want to follow you, Abraham, there are also many with beautiful souls, and are good god fearing people. Both groups must live side by side in peace. And so I command that those who want to follow the old ways are to be free to do so, and those who want to follow my instructions to you, Abraham, are to be free to do so. Let both groups live together in peace.”
Many of the villagers were perplexed by this and said, “Hmmm, we can do that? You mean we don’t have to kill each other to decide this. Those who want to live the old way can live as they wish, and others can follow god’s instructions to Abraham?”
“Yes,” said Abraham. “Now let us all go in peace.”
The villagers who had been unhappy with Abraham, looked over at the big guys that Abraham had standing beside him, they looked over at Abraham and thought he was a pretty decent guy, and they started to warm up to this idea. And as the days passed, peace was found throughout the land.
Well, that’s my post for this week.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
“Rickey, you’re looking like you’re feeling blue,” I said softly to this 13-year boy I had been counseling for a few months. As I looked at him, I observed some sadness rising up within me.
“Ever since I remember, I always slept with my dog, Prince,” Rickey mournfully replied. “This morning, when I woke up, he was…he was…he was dead. He died!” A tear began to run down his cheek. “I really loved him, and now he’s dead!” More tears.
By now, a strong wave of sadness had washed over me. My voice became choked up, and no doubt my facial muscles twisted into a distinct look of deep concern. This reaction was not an act. I didn’t say to myself that the professional thing for me to do here is to appear concerned. My feelings of concern came to me as naturally as the warm feelings that come over me when I see a striking sunrise.
What is Empathy?
When we experience empathy we feel what we believe are the emotions of another. Empathy promotes prosocial behavior. For social beings, negotiating interpersonal decisions is as important to survival as being able to navigate the physical landscape.Empathy motivates individual behavior that aids in solving communal challenges as well as guide group decisions about social exchange. Its influence extends beyond relating to someone else’s emotions, it correlates with an increased positive state and likeliness to aid others.
Is Empathy a Sign of Maturity?
Empathy is not a type of skill that you either have or don’t have–it varies by degrees. It begins at a very early age. We see this when babies, upon hearing another baby cry, display signs of distress. And upon seeing a parent distressed while trying to reach for an object that is just out of reach, most toddlers will often crawl to the object and push it closer to the parent until the parent can pick it up.
As children get older, their empathy tends to increase. Boys, early in their teenage years tend to have a short period in which their empathy development goes a bit into reverse, but at about age 15, they begin to move forward again in developing this skill. This development tends to continue into young adulthood for both males and females, and for many, even well beyond. Since more fully developed skills of empathy tend to be more effective in achieving goals in the long run, people often view this as a sign of maturity.
Can Empathy be Learned?
Because empathy increases as a person gets older, we may become complacent when seeing our youth acting insensitive, or even downright cruel. We might simply chalk it up to immaturity, decide to rely on time itself to do its job to increase empathy, and therefore end up doing nothing to foster its development. In my view, this is a serious mistake. Many research studies have demonstrated that a number of methods can be used to increase empathy, and it makes sense that we utilize them to benefit individuals and their communities.
Methods that Increase Empathy
We can teach children to reach more mature levels of empathy in several ways. For example, when we read to them, we can pause from time to time and ask how each of the characters in the stories are probably feeling. If one of them is likely to be sad, we can express sadness in our face, thereby modeling an empathic response. We can then ask, “If the sad character was a friend of yours, what do you think would be a kind thing to do?” When the child comes up with a helpful suggestion, we could enthusiastically express our agreement that such an act would indeed be kind and then say that we respect people who are kind. If the character is happy, we can model the expression of happiness and ask a few questions about why the character is happy.
Here’s another idea. Have children learn on a daily basis in cooperative groups. Cooperative learning is the instructional use of small groups so that students work together to maximize their own and each other’s learning. Research has demonstrated that when this happens often enough, students not only learn more, they enhance their skill at getting along and increase their empathy. In these studies, throughout the day there was time for the development of individual goals, but daily students had to learn to function under cooperative conditions as well.
Although to my knowledge cooperative learning research has been studied exclusively within school settings, I believe families can effectively use this approach. For example, whenever the family goes on an outing, a parent can say something like, “Let’s all work together to make this a great time. Before we go, let’s take a few minutes to think up some ways we can all chip in to make this happen.” Then, each member of the family takes a turn suggesting what he or she can do to cooperate to achieve this shared goal. During the trip, parents can make sure they notice whenever someone is cooperating and play it up as being very appreciated.
For older children, and for us grown-ups as well, the most consistent way to increase empathy is through meditation. In an earlier post (see here) I presented a detailed description of a simple form of meditation and presented the scientific evidence for practicing this ancient art to reduce stress and ruminating on angry memories. Well, as it turns out, practicing meditation has been shown to also increase empathy, along with its close relative, kindness.
By the way, one of my favorite kindness stories involves the psychologist and philosopher, Professor William James, his son, Willie, and the professor’s brother, the esteemed writer, Henry James.
Henry is on the left and William James is on the right
A Story About Kindness
When Willie had grown to be a young man, a biographer who was working on a book about his recently deceased Uncle Henry, asked to speak with him.
“Did you get to know your Uncle Henry?” the biographer asked.
“Oh, yes. He would live with us for months at a time. When I was very young, I grew to love him because he took a very genuine interest in me. Most adults back then would just nod at me and maybe muss my hair, but Uncle Henry, he would take the time to engage me with challenging questions. Like he’d ask me what I had been thinking and feeling about things and people. And he always wanted to know what I thought other people were thinking and feeling. He had a nice, kind way of listening, too.”
“Can you recall for me a particular incident that occurred between you two that stands out in your mind that captures something special about your Uncle Henry?”
“Oh, yes.” Of all the events that occurred between Willie, the incident that stood out most vividly for him is the following:
One day, 9-year old Willie learned that his Uncle Henry was going abroad. The news saddened him for his absence would last a full year.
Upon Uncle Henry’s return to Cambridge, Massachusetts, the literary community entreated Willie’s dad, Professor William James, to throw a grand party for his brother to welcome him home and to discuss his latest literary achievements.
On the night of the party, Little Willie pleaded with his father to let him attend, but the professor insisted it was simply not a proper event for a young boy.
That night, Little Willie snuck out of his bedroom and peered through the banister posts at the top of the stairs. And when the grand proceedings began, oh, what a sight to remember.
All the great literary figures came—Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Nathaniel Hawthorn, and on and on. Each person who greeted Little Willie’s Uncle Henry did so with such awe and respect that Willie found this absolutely astonishing.
The next morning, Little Willie found Henry in the library already hard at work on his latest manuscript. Willie exclaimed, “Uncle Henry, Uncle Henry, the way everybody treated you last night, saying what a great man you are! Uncle Henry, what does it take for a man to be great?”
Henry smiled, put down his fountain pen, took a second or two to rub his chin, and then leaned forward toward Willie. “Willie, there are three things a man must do to be truly great. First, he must be kind; second, he must be kind; and third, he must be kind.”
Well, that’s my post for the week. Until next time, may you find the empathy within to remain ever mindful not to judge others by what you can or cannot see on the surface. Understand that the true wealth of individuals lies deep within, and it may be your kindness, caring and compassion that will tap into the riches of their souls.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
“Left turn!” hollers the drill sergeant to his new recruits.
Private Smith begins to turn right, but catches his mistake as he notices the other recruits turning in the correct manner. He manages, although a bit clumsily, to end up turning left.
“Boy, don’t you know your left from your right?” the drill sergeant shouts in Private Smith’s face.
“Yes, Drill Sergeant.”
“I’m so glad to hear that, boy!” shouts the drill sergeant. “Now listen-up you stupid maggot! If I order you to turn left, you turn left! Do you got that, boy?!”
Yes, Drill Sergeant.”
“If I catch you turning right again when I order you to turn left I’m going to have you scrubbing the latrine with a toothbrush for a week. Do you got that, boy?!”
“Yes, Drill Sergeant!”
In the above scenario, we see an example of a sergeant providing criticism, and as he does so, he shouts, insults and threatens Private Smith. The army leadership believes that for this type of situation this style of providing negative criticism is helpful.
How does the army’s views on providing negative criticism compare to mine?
Providing Negative Criticism: Comparing My Approach with that of the Army’s
Regular readers of this blog know that I have presented a post titled, “Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity.” If you check that post out, you will see that the sergeant’s style appears to most closely match the level 3 description, which is as follows:
3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.
Here’s an example of a style of providing negative criticism that matches level 3:
A level 4 style of providing criticism, that is, one level more mature than level 3, is described as:
4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.
Here’s an example of a level 4 style of providing negative criticism:
You are not likely to see anything that looks like a level 4 style of providing negative criticism coming out of a drill sergeant’s mouth during a training situation if he or she is speaking to a private.
And so, it looks like my level 5 model for providing negative criticism runs counter to the army’s view, at least in some situations. But before we conclude this, let’s first take a quick look at how a level 5 style is described:
5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.
As we can see, people who provide criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 are apt to do so in a manner that is very similar to the level 4 description. However, before they actually provide the criticism, they consider the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in.
In this regard, I think it’s worthwhile to point out that as tough as sergeants may be on privates, they act very differently when speaking to someone who has a higher military rank, such as a lieutenant or general.
That is, sergeants first consider who they are speaking to before deciding on how they will provide negative criticism. This is one of the hallmarks of a person who tends to provide negative criticism in a manner that is consistent with level 5.
The Army’s Reasons for Supporting the Drill Sergeant’s Style of Providing Negative Criticism
The army’s leadership believes that those who hold a higher military rank are better qualified to make tough military decisions than those who hold a lower rank. They based this belief on their process for selecting who is invited to get training for a higher rank, the quality of the training that is provided, and the fact that only those who successfully complete the training are promoted. Those who do not perform well after they are promoted are demoted.
In a number of military situations, quick decisions are necessary to achieve military objectives while minimizing the number of casualties. If platoon leaders see enemy troops rapidly advancing, with their guns blasting and bombs going off, there simply is not a lot of time to discuss how to respond. Those with the most training for dealing with this situation rapidly cry out orders and those with a lower rank rapidly obey.
Now, with all of the gun firing and bombs going off, military leaders are probably going to shout out their orders to be heard. If some of the privates suddenly feel offended because their leader has yelled at them in a tone of voice that strikes them as unfair criticism, without proper training perhaps they might start yelling back, “How dare you talk that way to me!” Perhaps they might even physically attack the leader for the perceived insult. Such actions would seriously delay the carrying out of orders and thereby risk the military objectives and the lives of the soldiers.
During battles, there are times when even the best trained personnel may become irritable. Perhaps a captain might have lost a soldier she was very close to. If the captain, in her irritable state, was to slip up and accidentally speak to someone who is at a lower rank with a tone of voice that seems a bit disrespectful, would valuable time be lost because of an argument over the perceived insult? To avoid wasting time on these types of arguments, the army leaders have come to support training soldiers to respond immediately to orders even if it comes with criticism that might not be viewed as ideal in more typical situations. I think their position is reasonable.
Applying a Drill Sergeant’s Style of Negative Criticism to Situations Beyond the Military
Many people who have been in the army, having experienced basic training, come to believe that what worked well in the army should work just as well in all other situations. And so they begin to provide negative criticism in a style that matches that of a drill sergeant.
Some parents try this with their kids, and when the kids are young it often seems to work. But too often the drill sergeant approach leads to a building up of bitter resentment. Some teenagers end up running away from home, while others essentially end their relationships with their parents as soon as they are old enough to live on their own.
I know someone who was given the job to coach a women’s college basketball team. He had in the past, coached a boys college team and found the drill sergeant approach had worked, in his estimation, fairly well. Occasionally a good player would quit the team, but he felt that this was just the cost of maintaining good discipline. But when he tried the same technique with the women’s team, more than half quit. In order to field any team at all, he had to go to the women who had quit and apologize. In the end, he found that there were alternative ways to provide negative criticism in his new situation that worked much better for him. The incident reminds me of a great scene in the movie, “A League of Their Own.”
In the army, if someone thinks about quitting, there are very serious consequences. The army can put the quitter in prison for a time, give him or her a dishonorable discharge, etc. Moreover, there are a number of positives for hanging in there even under the most trying of circumstances. There is the honor that comes from helping your country, a military salary, VA benefits, etc. When we raise children or coach a team, the consequences for quitting or staying in the relationship are very different.
And so, for those who think it makes a great deal of sense to use a drill sergeant’s approach for providing negative criticism in non-military situations, I urge caution. People have strong desires to be liked and to escape from situations in which someone seeks to interfere with their freedom to make their own decisions. A drill sergeant’s approach runs counter to these desires. It is only in rare situations where rapid action is required, the available leadership is well trained, and other desires are so strong that shouting, insults and threats may make sense.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
It’s not easy for many people to listen carefully to someone criticizing them, but I have found it is a skill that can be learned, and very much worth the effort. I offer free suggestions for going about doing this in a variety of my earlier posts (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). It requires a few weeks of effort, but it is well worth your time.
Write down a personal concern that you have, one in which you have not yet decided how best to deal with. Then write out how you imagine you will deal with it. Then, read over a few definitions of wisdom, and then try to utilize some aspect of the definition for dealing with your concern. Write out specifically what you will do differently in light of the definition.
In thinking deeply about these issues, my mind always drifts to the ideas of William James, the esteemed Harvard professor of psychology and philosophy, and author of The Varieties of Religious Experience.
As you might imagine, people who are viewed as wise tend to be more respected than people who are viewed as foolish. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few suggestions for improving our wisdom.
“Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view. What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”
So, when deciding whether to acquiesce to the opinions of others, remaining silent, or taking up the challenge of presenting your alternative views, consider the wisdom of first assessing if the person you are interacting with has an “open minded” or “close minded” personality.
Therefore, when with people you don’t yet know whether or not they are open minded and you hear them express an opinion with which you disagree, you might want to first assess where they are on this open minded-close minded continuum. This can be easily done by you by first summarizing their opinion, showing an interest by asking a few clarifying questions, and then saying something like, “I heard a different opinion about this topic, and I’d like to get your reaction.” Then, after briefly describing the alternative view, see if the person indicates an openness to discuss this. If he or she starts to get defensive by saying something like, “That’s stupid,” and, “Only idiots think that way,” it may be wise to take the discussion no further.
Notice that with this approach, you don’t initially claim that the alternative position is correct, or that it is something you firmly believe, thus avoiding leading people you are talking with to feel you have attacked them for their belief.
In many social situations, if you find that you don’t enjoy them, it is a simple matter to avoid them in the future. Not so in many workplace situations, or at school where attending is mandatory. Also, when invited to a social party, you may want to keep getting invited to future parties with these folks even if some of the attendees are not your cup of tea. This may be so because you enjoy most of the attendees, or your regular participation at attending provides valuable information about what is going on in the neighborhood.
Then, over the next few days, search on the internet, or go to the library to find some well thought out views on each of the topics by some respected writers. Seek to find some great writers who have different views on the same topic.
When this research is complete to your satisfaction, write out what you want to say about the topic with an eye of balancing short term and long term goals, and how different situations might call for different approaches. Your opening paragraph is best framed as something you can say in a couple of minutes. Finally, have someone you respect critique what you wrote. By doing this, your comments at your social gathering will tend to be far wiser than if you just jump into expressing your opinion without utilizing this technique.
When you do provide your opinion, begin by noting that you have found that different respected authorities have come to very different conclusions on this topic. Be prepared to be able to summarize these different views, but your opening statement is best kept to the one or two minute paragraph that you crafted when you wrote out your entire position, because typically people don’t appreciate a long lecture. If people you are talking with are really interested in delving into the topic, they will make some reply, perhaps presenting an alternative view.
After giving others an ample opportunity to comment, you can then provide more of your opinion in a two or three minute segment. Then, once again, let others respond, and continue in this give and take manner. Present your own conclusions in a humble, tentative manner, while remaining open to hearing critiques of what you offer. Avoid, getting defensive, and if someone raises a good point that you have not yet considered, reply humbly with a statement such as, “I think there is some merit in what you have said.” Then summarize it, and say, “I’d like to give this some thought and then I’ll get back to you.”
Wisdom is a prized characteristic. Avoiding angering close minded people for no substantially good reason is one technique that can raise the estimate of your wisdom. Utilizing the “Summarize and Delay” technique will not only increase how others view your wisdom, it may also very well actually increase your wisdom. In your discussion, avoid coming off like you are trying to humiliate those with different views. Rather, empathize with them, and above all, be kind.
Dealing with the frustration that goes along with challenging conflicts has some similarities to sailors dealing with stormy seas—it is best to utilize a well-rehearsed plan.
Sometimes we observe people doing things that seem terribly wrong. We may then find, welling up from within, an urgent desire to provide negative criticism.
