Welcome to From Insults To Respect.
Recently, a friend sent me the link for a YouTube comedy skit titled, “I Said Bitch.” It’s performed by the comedians, Key & Peele. Here’s the link.– https://youtu.be/5LGEiIL1__s.
It begins with Peele and a woman playing the part of Peele’s wife warmly greeting the arrival of Key and a woman playing the part of Key’s wife. When the wives go off together to see something new in Peele’s house, it leaves the two comedians alone to have the following conversation:
Key: Dude, I’m sorry that we’re late.
Peele: It happens, man.
Key: She (referring to his wife) talked about how we’re suppose to be in the car by 6:45 and I say ‘alright’.
Peele: Uh Oh.
Key: Tell me my dumb ass ain’t sitting in the car until 7:15. Okay, when I track my wife down 20 minutes later, she’s stepping out of the shower talking about, can I help you? See, that’s crazy right there! Can I help you? I looked this woman right in the eye, I said, “Bitch, you told me 6:45.”
As Key says “Bitch, you told me 6:45,” both look to check to make sure their wives are not within earshot. As the conversation continues, Peele double checks to make sure he heard what was said by asking Key, “You said, ‘Bitch.'” Key replies, “Yeah.”
At this point we hear the wives coming and the guys, nervous that their wives might hear their discussion, decide to go down to the basement. There, Key continues expressing his frustration with his wife, and Peele expresses empathy, and then he shares a story in which his wife had acted in a way that led to frustration, and ending with him calling his wife a bitch. But before he gets to actually saying the “B” word, he looks cautiously around to make certain his wife won’t hear.
Just then, the wives look into the basement, and ask, “What are you boys up to?”
The boys, upon seeing them, immediately change their expression from outrage to delightful cheerfulness, and claim they were just talking about looking over the new washing machine that is in the basement.
Now, in order to continue their conversation in a place their wives won’t hear, the boys go outside, climb a tree, and hiding their lips behind the tree’s limb, they tell each other about other times their wives’ actions led to frustration, and it led to calling them bitches. But each time they claim to have used the “B” word, they pause to make absolutely certain their wives won’t hear them.
The humor is created by how self-righteous they look when telling of their frustration at their wives’ actions, and their contrasting look of terrible fearfulness at the prospect that their wives might overhear them engaging in this type of conversation. 
Their fearfulness leads them to go to extreme privacy places so they can safely continue their conversation, ending with them going up in a rocket to outer space, and even out there they fearfully look about each time they say the word bitch to make sure there is no way their wives will catch them.
The skit works because one can imagine real people having a somewhat similar experience; though, as comedies are apt to do, the characters’ actions are super exaggerated. From their actions, I got the impression that the characters being portrayed would never actually call their wives bitches. Nevertheless, I got to wondering why the two guys would value sharing with each other various times they claimed to have called their wives bitches. Why would they make such a claim to a friend? What value would they get from this? Why would they try to hide from their wives that they are making such a claim?
Perhaps they had adopted the desire to be macho, that is to be strong and to display dominance, aggression, and to not being nurturing. If you want to be macho, you seek to settle all differences with anger and violence as opposed to diplomacy. You treat your wife with displays of being tough and aloof.
If the two characters in the skit have adopted this desire and came to believe their friend has also, then calling their wives bitches would fit this attitude. However, if you really are crazy about your wife, then, although you might want to think you are macho and you might want your friend to think you are macho, you might find yourself in a bind. I think the skit is acting out two folks in this bind. They love their wives, know well that their wives won’t respect them if they call them bitches, but haven’t managed to relinquish their desire to be macho, especially when their wives have done something very frustrating.
This macho style is something with which I personally became very familiar as a boy growing up in Brooklyn, especially as a junior high student. There was a clear exception to the violence characteristic–it was definitely not okay for a boy to hit a girl. Occasionally girls got into physical “girl fights,” but the boys stayed out of these.
When I got to high school and began dating, occasionally, I faced a frustrating conflict I had with a girl. I would become angry and during such episodes I would cry out an insult, typically something like, “You’re acting like a jerk!” or “You’re being an idiot!” More frequently, I would have these types of angry experiences with my stepdad.
I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong with such outbursts because it seemed to me the natural way to respond to such frustrations, and there was a theory going around that to suppress one’s emotions was harmful. However, during my last two years of college, I took psychology courses that included in the curriculum reviews of studies that described conflict resolution ideas. They didn’t require suppressing emotions, were less likely to lead to the conflict spinning out of control, and were more likely to lead to satisfactory outcomes.
I found initial attempts at utilizing such approaches often failed as my anger would lead me into old habits; but in time, and with practice, I got better and better at these alternatives. And they were so effective for me that when I retired from my job as a psychologist, I decided to write these blog posts as a noncommercial way to spread these ideas for free. I’m hoping you consider giving the approaches described a try.
On this blog, what would be the type of suggestion I might offer for dealing with the type of frustrating, angry conflict described in the Key and Peele skit? First, recognize you are frustrated and angry, and feel it fully within your body. Then, before confronting your wife, decide how to handle it in a way that won’t have lasting negative effects on your relationship. Rehearse three or four times in your mind the approach you came up with, taking care that you won’t include any insults or a tone of voice that comes off as insulting. A soft voice is usually best.
Here’s a suggestion for what you might say to your wife: “I’m feeling frustrated because we are going to be late for our friends’ get-together, and you told me to be in the car at 6:45 so we could be on time. I agreed, and after waiting there for a half hour, I now come up here and see you are just getting out of the shower.”
I would then pause to let my wife reply. Then I would softly summarize what she said, and then I would wait to see if she wants to add anything more. I would then leave the conversation at this point for the time being, thus giving my wife some time to think over my expressed frustration, as well as giving me time to calm down. In a day or two, I would consider if it makes sense to further the discussion.
This approach is very likely, in time, to lead to your wife feeling you treated her respectfully because you’ve given her time to express her views. Moreover, it recognizes that an extensive discussion about the issue when you are angry could lead to saying something you will end up regretting. And what you had prepared to say will be brief enough so a three or four repetition rehearsal can be effectively achieved.
Notice that with this approach, there is no suppression of your frustration and anger. Inwardly, your feelings are there, you express them fully to yourself, while avoiding weakening a relationship you care about.
Of course, there is far more to be said about handling such conflicts, but I leave the topic here, giving readers some ideas to reflect upon.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
We have all experienced name calling, insults and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and every member of your favorite band. If someone insults you, calls you names, or teases you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.
Now, as I was wondering what to write about for this week’s post, I noticed C-SPAN had just announced the results of its 
“Did Stanton say I was a d–d fool?” asked Lincoln at the close of the recital.
he inference is erroneous. Lincoln, so far as I could discover, was in every respect the actual head of the administration, and whenever he chose to do so, he controlled Stanton as well as all the other Cabinet ministers.” Fry related a conflict between President Lincoln and Secretary Stanton which concluded with the following dialogue in Stanton’s office. Stanton said: “Now Mr. President, those are the facts, and you must see that your order cannot be executed.” The President cordially replied: “Mr. Secretary, I reckon you’ll have to execute the order.” Stanton objected: “Mr. President, I cannot do it. The order is an improper one, and I cannot execute it.” The President stared down the shorter Stanton and firmly issued an order: “Mr. Secretary, it will have to be done.” And indeed it was.
As for the Gettysburg Address—one of the most powerful speeches in human history, one that many American schoolchildren can recite by heart (Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth …) and a statement of national purpose that for some rivals the Declaration of Independence—a Pennsylvania newspaper reported, “We pass over the silly remarks of the President. For the credit of the nation we are willing that the veil of oblivion shall be dropped over them, and they shall be no more repeated or thought of.” A London Times correspondent wrote, “Anything more dull and commonplace it wouldn’t be easy to produce.”
I think Alexander Hamilton Stephens, who had served as the Vice President of the Confederacy, well expressed what many who had an opportunity to get to know Lincoln came to feel about him. Thus, in a speech several years after the war, Stephens recalled getting to know Lincoln when they both served together in the House of Representatives prior to the war. “He was warm hearted; he was generous; he was magnanimous, ‘with malice toward none, with charity for all.'”
If you can keep your head when all about you 
Interestingly, even if Andy deliberately tried to punish her by acting rude, if Marsha didn’t react by feeling humiliated or wounded, with the definition that I’m currently considering, I would say that he did not insult her.
“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.
“Well, Judy, I didn’t mean to be discourteous or rude. I certainly am not trying to do anything that tears you down–just the opposite.”
“Now, during my training on how to help people with this type of concern, I had professors who viewed themselves as developmental psychologists. These professors view people as going through different developmental stages or levels, moving from relatively immature levels to more mature levels. They didn’t merely name each level, they did their best to go beyond the name to describe each higher level so that people, if they chose to do so, could have enough information to make some life changes.
For example, one approach would have you stop reading my blog, and when you visit my office I’ll listen to you in a caring, supportive way. From time to time, I’ll ask you a few questions to challenge you to think more deeply about the issues that you are raising. When you reply, I won’t give you my opinion. Instead, I’ll listen and empathize with what you are experiencing.”
“All right, Judy. Another thing that we can try is this. Some people, when they are provided negative criticism, always feel insulted even when the criticism is provided without any name calling, insults and shouting. Other people, even when they are provided negative criticism with name calling, insults and shouting don’t feel insulted. Attempts to insult them are like water off of a duck’s back. These people can hear the negative criticism that comes with efforts to humiliate and wound their feelings, and they can seek to learn something from the criticism. Sometimes they do experience some strong emotions that arise when they hear the negative criticism, but this is experienced not as humiliation, but, instead, as an experience that helps them to come up with more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments. If you want, over the next few weeks we can work on this.”
“I was at a family birthday party, we were all eating together at this long table with all sorts of wonderful foods laid out. I was thoroughly enjoying my plate along with my mom and sister. Then this little girl who was probably a year or two younger than me looks at me and says ‘Why are you so fat?’
To address this question, I’m going to present a little scenario that kinda describes what I have done over the years when I found myself providing counseling to someone dealing with this issue. In saying the scenario “kinda” describes what I have done I mean to indicate that it really is, by necessity, a shortened description of what actually occurs in my actual counseling sessions. More specifically, in real life sessions I spend distinctly more intervals of time listening in a caring way than we will see in the scenario. I ask more questions to clarify what specifically occurred in any event being described. I am more likely to slightly rephrase what the person had said so they see that I understand what I have been listening to, thus reassuring them I’m really deeply listening. A full rendition of such a counseling session would be a fifty-minute read, way too long for our purposes.
She played parts in numerous movies such as ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘Show Boat.’ It wasn’t just me who delighted in her character portrayals, many producers must have liked her too because they selected her to play in over 300 movies, and her peers selected her to win an Academy Award. She wasn’t just a movie actress, she also was a singer and song writer as well. The United States honored her with a U.S. postage stamp for her contributions to the arts.
They also had faces that can lead one to drift into a dream. As it turned out, there were not a whole lot of such women around my neighborhood, and yet I did start to date. On some scales, those that I dated did not match the perfect Hollywood type here or there but I found I was still attracted to them. In time I got to know things about them that transcended mere looks. When I met my wife, she was wearing braces on her teeth, hardly a classic Hollywood look.
“And judging from my observations, most women that I knew during my dating days were willing to go out with guys who didn’t look exactly like Cary Grant or Robert Redford. After a while they found someone that had looks that fell short of what some might think of as perfect in every way, and nevertheless, they fell in love and got married.
“I see.” I pause here for a few seconds, just experiencing within me strong empathy for what Heather has been going through, and also seeking a way toward some peace with it.
“The exercise comes from several ancient wisdom traditions. It is part of what has been called ‘mindfulness.’ There is a theory that it deepens our stressful experiences in a way that perhaps leads us to take some positive actions to deal better with them.”
“If you like, we could work on that together. I think we would want to include not only eating less, but also eating healthy foods and getting sufficient exercise.”
In any case, may you all find someone who will show you kindness as you meet up with all of your challenging experiences.
There is also undoubtedly a great deal of pressure on the coaches. If they don’t win, they are very likely to be replaced.
Have you ever noticed that some rich people like to say insulting things about the poor, and some poor people like to say some insulting things about the rich. Well, since this blog is all about insults, as well as respect, let’s see if today we can throw a little sunshine on this.
Here’s another difference between what typically happens during your interpersonal relationships and the intergroup interactions that involve politicians. When someone directly seeks to insult you, unless you are well trained in handling this in a peaceful manner, you are likely to take the insult personally. The emotions that arise in this situation are more likely to be stronger than typically experienced when groups of people see on TV or in a large arena a politician throwing insults at someone they don’t personally know.
ikes you as political correctness. When Carl Tomanelli, a 68-year old retired New York City police officer was asked by a New York Times reporter why he is supporting Mr. Trump, he answered, “People are starting to see, I believe, that all this political correctness is garbage. I think he’s echoing what a lot of people feel and say.”
