Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
Recently, as I was eating dinner with a married couple the subject of how they deal with criticism arose. For the sake of privacy, I’ve changed their names to Sarah and Bob.
In an earlier post, I addressed the question, “Unsolicited Criticism: Good or Bad.” Sarah and Bob agree with my conclusions in that post which in summary suggested that:
Negative criticism is coming our way whether we like it or not. And within a relationship, providing it can be essential. If one of the parties is doing something that is bugging the other, keeping silent could unnecessarily lead to the relationship coming to a premature end when a constructive discussion might have easily settled the matter.
Rather then seeking to squelch criticism, we are better off learning to provide it in a wise and thoughtful manner (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY), and to respond to it in a wise and thoughtful manner as well (see post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY).
That said, there are times when someone is providing one criticism after another and it becomes too much to process all at once. At other times, someone might provide criticism that is in a style that uses a tone of voice that is hard to bear.
Sometimes we have been recently bombarded by some type of stress, and as a result, we may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for a while. Under these sets of circumstances, it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person who is seeking to provide criticism know that usually we are very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, we need a little break (see blog posts SUMMARIZE AND DELAY and ANGER, STRESS, AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK-OFF TECHNIQUE). Then we can, over a period of time, regain our sense of balance and figure out how best to move forward. Moreover, it is important to learn to effectively advocate that when individuals do provide negative criticism they at least try to do so in a respectful manner.
So, Sarah and Bob in the past had agreed with me about all of this. And then at dinner one evening they revealed to me that within their relationship they have come to an agreement that when either one of them wants to provide some constructive criticism to the other they first ask for permission. They also prefer others who want to provide criticism to them do likewise. Let’s take a close look at this approach.
Negative Criticism and the “Asking for Permission Technique”
When Sarah finds that Bob has done something that she would like him to consider changing, rather than hoping Bob will at some point invite her to provide some criticism to him about that issue, she could, herself, bring the issue up to him uninvited when she thinks he might be in a receptive mood. More specifically, Sarah, before providing feedback, first checks in with herself to see if she has sufficiently calmed herself from any anger or annoyance that she has been experiencing. This is important because if she seeks to provide feedback to Bob when she is angry or annoyed, either at him, or at someone else, her tone of voice might inadvertently provoke a level of defensiveness within Bob that would be counterproductive.
Next, Sarah observes how Bob is doing. If he looks like he is in a fairly calm mood and is not in the midst of something stressful, she then makes sure they both have sufficient time to discuss the matter.
Only when all of this has been considered, will she say to Bob, “Are you open to my giving you some feedback about something?”
Bob also uses the same approach as Sarah when he wants to provide her some feedback. Both agree that this approach has been very helpful to them. Sarah explained that upon hearing the phrase, “Are you open to my giving you some feedback about something?” it gives her a few moments to check in with herself. “Am I up to having a criticism type discussion right now, or would it be better to wait for a more apt time? If I am up for hearing it, I can take a moment to prepare myself.” Bob agreed.
At this point in the conversation, I recalled that just prior to this conversation I had mentioned to Bob that his eye glass lenses looked like they had some smudges on them. He seemed to find some value in what I had said, as he looked the lenses over and cleaned them. So, I asked him if he would have preferred, when I mentioned the smudges, that I first had asked him if he was open for some feedback. He smiled, and said that in that type of situation there was no need for asking for permission.
I then asked them, “As soon as you are asked permission, aren’t you so curious about what the issue is all about that you would just want to know?”
“This happens,” Sarah replied, “but not always. And besides, it’s nice to be given the choice, and, as I already mentioned, it does provide that moment or two to prepare myself.”
The conversation about this topic ended at this point, but a day or two later, we got back into it. In attempting to clarify in my own mind how the Sarah and Bob approach would work in a variety of situations, I asked Bob, “If you accidentally left your fly open, would it be okay if I just whispered to you in private that you needed to zipper up, or would you prefer that in that kind of situation I first ask if you were open to hearing some feedback?” He said that with that type of situation coming right to the issue would be fine, though it would be helpful if I said it in a non-putdown manner, perhaps pointing out that we all goof up like that from time to time.
I then asked Sarah, “Let’s say we’re in a restaurant together. You go to the bathroom, and when you come out I notice you are dragging some toilet paper behind you that is stuck to the bottom of your heel. Would you want me to come straight out and tell you, or would it be better to first ask for permission to give you feedback?” She didn’t hesitate, indicating that in that type of situation there would be no need to first request permission.
So, my next question was, “How do you two distinguish between those types of situations in which you ask for permission to give feedback from when you come right out and tell the person what’s on your mind?” Their main criteria was basically asking yourself, “For the kind of criticism I want to give, if someone was to provide a similar type of criticism to me, would I want to be asked for permission prior to receiving it?” If yes, then you ask for permission. For Sarah and Bob, the types of criticism that they would want to be asked permission before hearing it typically involve particularly sensitive issues for them, something you noticed was particularly sensitive in the past for the other person, or when it involves a person’s creative work.
My Thoughts
That said, for me, personally, I’d rather make it clear to those whom I know that I always want to hear any negative criticism they want to share with me, and there is no need to first ask for permission. If I happen to be in a somewhat fragile state, for whatever reason, it is up to me, after hearing what the general issue is about, to quickly summarize what I heard, and then assert in a friendly way that I’ll need some time to consider the matter when I am in a better frame of mind.
It seems to me that if I were to inform people I know that before they provide me with any feedback they first use the “Asking For Permission Technique” it might discourage people from being as open about the concerns they would like to share with me. Said another way, if I were to request to people I know that before they provide me any negative criticism they first ask me for permission, it might signal to them that I am sensitive about such criticism. With that in mind, how much would they keep secret from me to avoid hurting my feelings?
Yes, there are times when I do feel within me some sensitive feelings upon hearing some negative feedback. Nevertheless, I’d rather deal with that than discourage anyone from letting me know, straight out, what they think I can do to improve. Moreover, I am confident that I have the skills to use those sensitive feelings in a constructive, creative manner. I also wonder if people might respect me more for being the type of person they can be straight and honest with, who gracefully welcomes criticism, and really takes the time to seriously consider what someone has to say.
At this point, I think it’s crucial that I make it clear that I’m not trying to imply that my personal preference is the “right” choice for everyone. Moreover, I very much doubt that people who prefer to be asked for permission before receiving criticism, are likely to lose any friends because they informed them of this preference. And, really, how much respect someone has for another is unlikely to significantly turn on this one issue since there are so many other aspects of anyone’s character.
Interestingly, although I try to make it clear to people I know that I’m pretty much always open to hear their criticism, there are times when I want to provide others with some feedback and I, myself, ask for permission. I’m most likely to do this when they have been working on something creative. At such time, I typically find myself asking, “Are you open to hearing my impressions?”
Finally, as Sarah, Bob and I moved toward finishing up our conversation, Sarah made one other point. She told us about a friend of hers who, when requesting feedback about something particularly close to her heart, asks that it be worded something like, “What if (or I wonder if) you changed…?” rather than, “I think something you did would be better if you did….” I think there are situations in which we would be wise to heed this suggestion.
So, there are some thoughts for all us to consider as we continue our journey from insults to respect.
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
When I called on him, he said, “Dr. Rubin, how would you resolve this? This here Tina (he points to her) and I were dating, and now I decided to end it. I’m seeing another girl. But Tina, she keeps calling me even though I told her to stop.”
But seeing the emotional reaction of Tina, and noticing the escalation of feelings that were being expressed by others in the classroom, I quickly explained to the students that it is usually best to work these types of conflicts out in private. I offered to meet Tony separately, and then Tina, and then, if they both agreed, I would meet with both of them together without the rest of the class watching on. I then asked the rest of the class why this might be the best way to work this out.
They suggest that people are more likely to escalate an argument into a fight when spectators are around (see, for example, “Impression Management and the Escalation of Aggression and Violence,” R. B. Felson, Social Psychology Review, 1982). There are, of course, exceptions to this. For example, if two people agree to have a third party mediator help to resolve a conflict, the presence of the mediator tends to reduce subsequent aggression. 
And in a courtroom, the public has a right to observe the legal proceedings involving certain conflicts for a number of valid reasons. To protect everyone in this process, there are courtroom officials on hand that help to assure that disagreements don’t escalate to violence. Moreover, if the presiding judge sees audience members interfering with the legal process, he or she can order them removed by trained security personnel.
As my classroom discussion continued, it became clear to me that the topic raises four relevant questions worth thinking about:
In my opinion, usually as soon as you recognize that some tension is beginning to surface, it’s time to ask for a private meeting. I say this because even if you think you can tolerate the tension, others around you may not. In many situations, in addition to the participants in the conflict beginning to feel uncomfortable with what is going on, others are also feeling roughed up. People may feel as if they are walking on egg shells in the presence of the antagonists.
In a business environment, this can create a hostile work environment for the other employees not directly involved in the conflict. Many supervisors are trained to intervene in such situations in order to put a stop to this, and for some, they hate this part of their job. Thus, they may just choose to get rid of one or both of the antagonists. Additionally, some supervisors may be less inclined to promote employees that can’t get along with one another.
In a school setting, it also usually makes sense for a student to seek to work out a conflict with another student as quickly as possible. As in the business setting, in addition to the two antagonists in the conflict being affected by the mounting stress, other students can start to feel uncomfortable. For example, one party in the conflict might say something to the other party, and when this is overheard by others, some may be torn between two friends. 
Sometime one of the two parties may insult the other who is a relative of the insulted party. Before long, the whole school climate can be adversely affected.
However, in my opinion, the ideal place is a semi-private place such as a coffee shop or fast food restaurant that is unlikely to have present anyone either party knows, and at a time when the place would be relatively quiet. In such places, you can find a seat that if you speak softly you are unlikely to be overheard. And even if you are overheard, it is very unlikely to really matter.
Now, I understand that for high school students, setting up a meeting in an ideal place might not be possible. Many students live far from a convenient meeting place. If there is no public transportation available, setting up a phone conversation might be your best option.
Looking directly into Jill’s eyes, say, “I’m beginning to feel some tension between us, Jill.” Then pause, to see and hear how Jill reacts. Listen carefully, and look like you are listening carefully, by looking up to her eyes from time to time. 
When she appears to be finished, summarize what she has said without trying to defend yourself in any way. Then pause to see if she wants to add anything more or to correct something you said in your summary. Then say, “I think I understand, Jill. Listen, not only am I concerned about what feels to me like tension between us, but the others around us are going to start to feel pretty uncomfortable about it as well. That’s not good for them, and for a number of reasons it’s not good for either of us. So, I think it makes sense that we discuss this fully in private.” Then tell her where and when you want to meet.
This can be done in a couple of minutes by calling Jill over to a relatively quiet area and speaking softly. If Jill refuses to meet with you, let her know that that is her choice. Then, just end by saying softly that you hope she thinks about the concern you raised and let her know that you hope she changes her mind about meeting to discuss this.
I suggest writing out a statement in advance describing the situation in your own words. If there is someone you respect that is not involved in any way with what is going on between you and the other party, consider showing that person what you have written. Then have a discussion about the situation with this respected person.
Above all else, you want to give the impression that you are a good listener. This involves looking, from time to time, into the eyes of the other party and summarizing what he or she says.
