You say that you’re down on your luck. Well, most of us have found ourselves down there. I know I have, so, welcome to the club.
It just so happens that how you handle this period of time can lead you to lose your self-respect, and for others to also lose their respect for you; or it can be a great period of time during which you end up dramatically increasing your self-respect, and the respect others have for you.
How do we go about taking the preferable course? Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Show on “Luck” provides some important lessons.
Bob starts the show off with Paul Evans singing, “Happy Go Lucky Me.”
I can laugh When things aint funny (A haha) happy go lucky me
Yeah, I can smile When I aint got no money (A haha) happy go lucky me
Paul Evans
It may sound silly but Mmm, I don’t care I got the moonlight I got the sun I’ve got the stars above
Me and my filly well, we both share This slappy go happy, happy go lucky looovve
Well! Life is sweet whooa sweet as honey (A haha) happy go lucky me
The song tells us about a guy who, even when he’s down on his luck, can appreciate moonlight, the sun and the stars. At the same time, there is a laugh at the end of the song that sounds clearly strained. This is indeed part of the experience, and it is normal to spend some time being with the strained feelings. As we do, some find it helpful to gently remind themselves that there are aspects of life that are “sweet whooa sweet as honey.”
Next up on Bob’s show is B. B. King, king of the blues, singing “Bad Luck Soul.”
I ain’t got nobody and I don’t know what to do They say things will get better But I don’t believe it’s true I thought I had friends, but they all disappeared Doggone bad luck soul
Everything I do people Everything I do seems to be wrong It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I had a home
With blues like this, there is an acceptance that spending time experiencing sadness, anguish, and tears is part of life and something all human beings have in common. Blues music is popular with many of us precisely because as we listen, we experience a sharing of our personal grief with the blues artist. As down as we may feel, there is some comfort in knowing others go through this as well.
Today, it is popular to just try to snap out of these experiences, perhaps by going to a psychiatrist to get some pills. For me, personally, in addition to listening to some blues music, I meditate twice a day. I find that as I meditate, there are times when I experience waves and waves of bluesy feelings. In meditation, during these times, there is no need to explain, no need to try to talk myself out of this experience. I just experience its fullness, its richness as it enriches my soul.
In the most difficult of these kinds of experiences, it can feel like an awful punch in the gut, and the such feelings can sometimes drag on hour after lonely hour, then spill over from one day to the next, and at various points I might cry out in anguish, “Please god, please make it stop!” So, in no way do I mean to suggest that with meditation such experiences can be a breeze to get through.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
On Bob’s Theme Time Radio show, he likes to read us some poetry from time to time. On his “luck” show, he tells us that Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Shallow men believe in luck, strong men believe in cause and effect.”
A little later, he tells us that,
Emily Dickinson had some feelings about luck. She didn’t think it was chance at all. Here’s what she had to say, “Luck is not chance, it’s toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.”
Hmm. Upon thinking bout this, I think the quote is worth thinking about, but at the same time, it’s important to recognize that we can experience some bad luck that is in no way our fault. The families that lost love ones from the World Trade bombings, and suffered from that loss, hardly could be blamed for what had occurred.
This point is relevant as we move on to the part of Bob’s show when he answers his emails.
This one’s from William McDuff. He writes, “Dear Bob, I heard that next weeks’s subject is going to be about luck. Well, I’m the original bad luck kid. If it started raining soup, I’d be stuck with a fork. What can I do to turn my luck around?”
Well, Bill, you don’t mind if I call you Bill, do you, there is no such thing as bad luck. As Ray Kroc, who started McDonald’s once said, “Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” Henry Ward Beecher, believed pretty much the same thing. “I never knew an early rising, careful, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.”
I hope your luck turns around Bill, and even if it doesn’t, you’re always welcome here on Theme Time Radio Hour, where we like to remind you that in the words of Roosevelt Sykes, “You can’t be lucky all of the time.”
I think Bob’s point is well worth thinking about, but at the same time, if you take from it the belief that falling on bad luck is always your fault, that would, in my opinion, be a mistake.
After Bob’s response to this email, he plays Sykes’ blues song, “You Can’t Be Lucky All of the Time,” which tells us about a woman who has been, of late, very lucky, but she may not want to rest too comfortably upon this luck for long because hard luck may be just around the corner.
After a few more songs, it’s poetry time once again:
Robert Burns
The poet, Robert Burns had a few words to tell us about the fickle fortune of luck. Let me share them with ya.
Though fickle Fortune has deceived me, She promis’d fair and perform’d but ill; Of mistress, friends, and wealth bereav’d me, Yet I bear a heart shall support me still.
I’ll act with prudence as far ‘s I’m able, But if success I must never find, Then come misfortune, I bid thee welcome, I’ll meet thee with an undaunted mind.
Of the last few great songs that Bob plays on this edition of “Theme Time Radio Hour,” I liked the best, Wynn Stewart’s “Three Cheers for the Loser.”
Wynn Stewart
Now gather around me blues I’d like to make a toast Let’s all extend three cheers To a guy that’s lost the most
I don’t want your pity Or your sympathy Just three cheers for the loser That’s me
Well, I set out to win her Knowin’ I might lose I didn’t think I’d end up Talkin’ to the blues
The only thing I didn’t lose Is her haunting memory Three cheers for the loser That’s me
Now blues I stand before you And I’m still hurtin’ yet The things I’ve been through You know I won’t forget
Still I took it like a man You know I set her free Three cheers for the loser That’s me
Frank Sinatra
Bob closes his “Luck” show with a great, swinging rendition of “Here’s to the Losers,” sung by old blue eyes, Frank Sinatra:
Here’s to those who love not too wisely, know not wisely, but too well To the girl who sighs with envy when she hears that wedding bell To the guy who’d throw a party if he knew someone to call Here’s to the losers, bless them all
Here’s to those who drink their dinners when that lady doesn’t show To the girl who’ll wait for kisses underneath that mistletoe To the lonely summer lovers when the leaves begin to fall Here’s to the losers, a-bless them all
Hey, Tom, Dick and Harry, come in out of the rain Those torches you carry must be drowned in champagne
Here’s the last toast of the evening, here’s to those who still believe All the losers will be winners, all the givers shall receive Here’s to trouble-free tomorrows, may your sorrows all be small Here’s to the losers, bless them all
Well, that’s my show for this week. Till next time, whether your luck is up or down, you can count on the mighty wheel of fortune to keep turning round.
———————————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
As some of you may know, Bob Dylan has a show called “Theme Time Radio Hour.” As the title suggests, each episode is centered on a theme. He begins his episode on madness as follows:
“Let me ask you a few questions, friends. Are you disinterested in work or family life? Do you suffer from sleep disruption? Have you had significant changes in appetite? Have you had paranoid thoughts? Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility? Any feelings of persistent anxiety or perhaps panic attacks? Are you hearing voices or seeing people who are not there? Do you have thoughts of dying? Do you exhibit strong or violent anger? Do you have the inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships? Well, I’m no doctor, but perhaps you’re mad as a hatter; crazy as a loon. Have you lost your morals? Are your bats in the belfry? Maybe you’re nutty as a fruitcake? Crazy as a coot? Taxed in the head? Bunkers? Bananas? Deranged? Are you crackers or daffy? Unhinged or loco? Not all there or all around the bend? Maybe you’re cuckoo or buggy or simply non compos mentis? Do you talk to yourself? Do you ever binge out on food? Do you swing suddenly from one mood to another? Do vague acquaintances treat you as though they know you far better than you would expect?
Allan Ginsberg
“Allan Ginsberg once said that he had seen the best minds of his generation destroyed by madness. Now for the next hour we’ll be providing the sound track. We’re going to look at madness, insanity, and craziness.”
Introducing his theme in this way may seem like quite a mouthful for Bob, but he manages to carry it off rather well. There is deep, dungeon-like music in the background, and he varies his voice in a manner that is full of concern and dramatic interest. Besides, if you think Bob’s description of his theme is lengthy, take a gander at the latest American Psychiatric Association’s description of a related topic. In its book titledDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition,over 900 pages are consumed describing various “mental disorders.”
The theme of “madness” is relevant to this blog’s theme because when people seek to insult others, we commonly hear words like, “You’re mad,” “You’re crazy,” “You have a mental disorder,” and “You’re mentally ill.” Negative consequences often flow from such name calling. Individuals flinging these efforts to insult often become less respected by those who are their targets. Those who are their targets sometimes end up having less respect for themselves. From here, conflicts can escalate, leading to losing friends, problems at work, and even violence.
Dylan’s First Madness Song
Bob introduces the first song for his show on madness as follows:
“If craziness was a country, this would be the national anthem. Here’s Patsy Cline in a little number written by Willie Nelson–“Crazy.”
Patsy Cline
Patsy’s beautiful voice, accompanied by gentle piano riffs, drifts into its melancholy words–“I’m crazy, I’m crazy, for being so lonely. I’m crazy, I’m crazy for being so blue.”
The song goes on from here to weave the sad story of a woman calling herself crazy for loving a man whom she knows will soon be leaving her. She feels she’s crazy for worrying when he’ll leave, and crazy for trying, and crazy for crying, and crazy for loving this man.
Here we learn of just one type of experience that falls under the enormous umbrella of madness.
Connecting Madness With Genius
As the song phases out, Bob begins to tell us that according to Aristotle, “No excellent mind is without a tincture of madness,” a position with which Bob heartily agrees. He declares that “There is a thin line between genius and madness.” Defending this, he introduces us to several individuals who had been declared mad by some, and yet achieved at impressive levels in many valued fields. Thus, he tells us about the brilliant writer, Ernest Hemingway:
Earnest Hemingway
“Ernest Hemingway, for example, was convinced that people were out to assassinate him. His wife, Mary, tricked him into a mental hospital by telling him it was to treat his high blood pressure. He got shock therapy and maybe a dozen other treatments. It didn’t help. It left him more paranoid, delusional and depressed. He was afraid that his wife would put him away again, which many people believe is what led him to take his own life with a shotgun in July of ’61.”
Bob then tells us about the great jazz musician, Charlie Mingus:
Charlie Mingus
“Charlie Mingus spent some time away, although he later claimed he only had gone in to get papers declaring he was incompetent to get out of a contract with the gangster, Joey Gallo. Whatever the reason, he spent some time in Bellevue and was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.”
After this, Bob tells us the story of two more jazz greats–Bud Powell and Charlie Parker. Both at times were troubled by demons.
Then there was a comic writer:
One man that was no stranger to madness was Bill Gates. He was the editor of E. C. Comics. He had a series of horror comics in the ’50s, but then he was targeted by the government who said that his comics were ruining the morals of America’s young people. He was supposed to water down all of his books. He had one humor comic he called “Mad.” He changed it to a magazine so it wouldn’t be subjected to the comics’ code of authority. It became a huge hit and generations of kids got their first lessons on comedy from the usual gang of idiots that he assembled. He never sold advertising in the magazine while he was alive and there were no sacred cows. Bill Gates, madman of free speech.”
Bob soon moves on to the story of a hell of a fine baseball player:
“One guy that was accused of cracking up was Jimmy Piersall. He became a professional baseball player at 18, signing with the Boston Red Sox in ’48. On May 24, 1952, just before the game against the New York Yankees, he got into a fist fight with Yankee infielder, Billy Martin. After that, he scuffled with his teammate, Mickey McDermott. The final straw came when Jimmy Piersall spanked the four-year old son of his teammate, Burnt Stevens during a game in the Red Sox clubhouse. The four-year old had tried to tweek his nose and poured lemonade down his shirt. You can see Jimmy’s position–Boy, you need a spanking. There were a number of incidences like this and he was sent down to the minor leagues. He got into a lot of trouble down in the minor leagues, and spent some time in the West Borough State Hospital. He was diagnosed with manic depression, but he still returned to baseball by the opening of the ’53 season. And get this, he finished ninth in the voting for the MVP award, and the next year he was the Sox’s regular center fielder.”
Feeling That We Are Crazy Is A Common Experience
In addition to describing these individuals who were thought to be mad by some and yet achieved greatness in various valued arenas, Bob provides diverse examples of regular Joes and Jills who displayed behaviors that were viewed as crazy by either themselves or others. These examples touch a chord in the listener because they illustrate experiences that are pretty close to what we have all experienced at different points in our lives.
Thus, the show’s take away lesson, as I see it, is that if you catch yourself calling yourself names such as “crazy” note that many of the most talented people have had similar experiences. Note, as well, that such criticism is too vague to be helpful. Learn to become more aware of these thoughts, to stand back and simply observe them passing through your mind–“Oh, there I go again calling myself mad.’ In time, you will come to a point at which you will formulate some more specific approach to make improvements in your life. The practice of meditation can help you to learn this skill.
If you are tempted to call someone else these types of names, remember that such names are way too vague, encompassing thousands of unusual and usual experiences. For criticism to be truly helpful, it is usually best to craft a statement that avoids name calling and statements about what someone did wrong, and instead provides specific suggestions for what the target of the criticism can do to improve. If you can not come up with such a statement right away, perhaps it would be best to delay the criticism until you have some time for your creative impulses to come up with something better than “You’re a crazy, mentally ill fool!”
Although these are my take away lessons for today’s post, let’s end with how the more poetic Bob Dylan ends his madness show:
“Time flies when you’re talking crazy, and we gotta get out of here. But before we do I want to leave you with the words of the man who is the voice of the barroom, poet of the gutter, and Shakespeare of the alleyway. Here’s a poem by Charles Bukowski called “Some People.”
some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they’ll find me there.
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I’ll rise with a roar,
rant, rage –
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I’ll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.”
——————————-
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can clickHERE.
Last week’s post, titled ADHD and Psychiatric Name Calling, criticized the prevalent practice of converting concerns about a person’s ability to pay attention into medical lingo. There was a great deal of interest in the post so I decided to present another for your consideration.
Illustration by Deanna Martinez
As I began to craft this, my thoughts went back to my most popular post, Teaching Children How to Deal with Criticism. Since the major reason for its great success is that its ideas largely relied on those of William James, I went back to the great philosopher’s writings to see what he had to say on the ADHD subject.
William James
There is unquestionably a great native variety among individuals in the type of their attention. Some of us are naturally scatterbrained, and others follow easily a train of connected thoughts without temptation to swerve aside to other subjects. This seems to depend on a difference between individuals in the type of their field of consciousness. In some persons this is highly focalized and concentrated, and the focal ideas predominate in determining association. In others we must suppose the margin to be brighter, and to be filled with something like meteoric showers of images, which strike into it at random, displacing the focal ideas, and carrying association in their own direction. Persons of the latter type find their attention wandering every minute, and must bring it back by a voluntary pull. The others sink into a subject of meditation deeply, and, when interrupted, are ‘lost’ for a moment before they come back to the outer world.
The possession of such a steady faculty of attention is unquestionably a great boon. Those who have it can work more rapidly, and with less nervous wear and tear. I am inclined to think that no one who is without it naturally can by any amount of drill or discipline attain it in a very high degree. Its amount is probably a fixed characteristic of the individual. But I wish to make a remark here which I shall have occasion to make again in other connections. It is that no one need deplore unduly the inferiority in himself of any one elementary faculty. This concentrated type of attention is an elementary faculty: it is one of the things that might be ascertained and measured by exercises in the laboratory. But, having ascertained it in a number of persons, we could never rank them in a scale of actual and practical mental efficiency based on its degrees. The total mental efficiency of a man is the resultant of the working together of all his faculties. He is too complex a being for any one of them to have the casting vote. If any one of them do have a casting vote, it is more likely to be the strength of his desire and passion, the strength of interest he takes in what is proposed. Concentration, memory, reasoning power, inventiveness, excellence of the senses,–all are subsidiary to this. No matter how scatter-brained the type of a man’s successive fields of consciousness may be, if he really care for a subject, he will return to it incessantly from his incessant wanderings, and first and last do more with it, and get more results from it, than another person whose attention may be more continuous during a given interval, but whose passion for the subject is of a more languid and less permanent sort. Some of the most efficient workers I know are of the ultra-scatterbrained type. One friend, who does a prodigious quantity of work, has in fact confessed to me that, if he wants to get ideas on a subject, he sits down to work at something else, his best results coming through his mind-wanderings. This is perhaps an epigrammatic exaggeration on his part; but I seriously think that no one of us need be too much distressed at his own shortcomings in this regard. Our minds may enjoy but little comfort, may be restless and feel confused; but it may be extremely efficient all the same. (quote from William James’s Talks To Teachers)
Here we see a true master at work. His sublime summary of the concern, placed in the context of other faculties working together, always lead me to vivid images of the many students I worked with over the years who had little ability to sustain their attention on school work and yet far outperformed outstanding students in such areas as music, athletics, art, computer technology, business, etc. Rather than framing the concern as a disabling mental disorder, James paints a vision that inspires the hope of finding a way to create a life filled with substantial value.
The one assertion that I tentatively disagree with James is that a person’s attention span is probably a fixed characteristic of the individual.
I have regualarly seen children who had a below average ability to attend to school work who, as they grew older did much better. Some of them got over a particularly stressful period in their life. Others learned the value of more physical activity which tired them out, and they began to sleep more soundly. Others seemed to improve for no other apparent reason than becoming more mature.
From my own experience, I found that when I learned to meditate, my ability to sustain my attention on a number of subjects distinctly improved. There are some excellent research studies that back up my own personal experience. For an example, that also reviews several of the other available studies, check out “Intensive Meditation Training Improves Perceptual Discrimination and Sustained Attention” (Psychological Science, Jun 2010; 21(6): 829–839.) Readers of my blog can find a simple to learn, absolutely free, form of meditation in my post “Anger, Rumination and Meditation.”
Let me add here, that in our society there is a push by the pharmaceutical companies to get people viewed as having ADHD to take stimulant drugs like Ritalin or Adderall. These have a number of negative side effects, and in a fairly short period of about a month or two the initial positive effects wane, and those using these drugs are left with the illusion that the drug continues to be helpful. The illusion occurs because once the positive effects wane after a few month of regular use, when the stimulant users don’t take the drug, they begin to have a withdrawal reaction that is uncomfortable and reduces their ability to pay attention. When they then again take the drug, the relief they experience from the withdrawal reaction convinces them that the drug is helping them. Instead, they are left with no better ability to pay attention while experiencing the various side effects of the drug.
Okay, so there are a few more ideas about concerns that come up about someone’s attention. I hope you find them to be helpful.
As always, I encourage readers to join the conversation by making comments in the “Comment” box at the very bottom of this page.
My very best,
Jeff
———————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can clickHERE.
“Rickey, you’re looking like you’re feeling blue,” I said softly to this 13-year boy I had been counseling for a few months. As I looked at him, I observed some sadness rising up within me.
“Ever since I remember, I always slept with my dog, Prince,” Rickey mournfully replied. “This morning, when I woke up, he was…he was…he was dead. He died!” A tear began to run down his cheek. “I really loved him, and now he’s dead!” More tears.
By now, a strong wave of sadness had washed over me. My voice became choked up, and no doubt my facial muscles twisted into a distinct look of deep concern. This reaction was not an act. I didn’t say to myself that the professional thing for me to do here is to appear concerned. My feelings of concern came to me as naturally as the warm feelings that come over me when I see a striking sunrise.
What is Empathy?
When we experience empathy we feel what we believe are the emotions of another. Empathy promotes prosocial behavior. For social beings, negotiating interpersonal decisions is as important to survival as being able to navigate the physical landscape.Empathy motivates individual behavior that aids in solving communal challenges as well as guide group decisions about social exchange. Its influence extends beyond relating to someone else’s emotions, it correlates with an increased positive state and likeliness to aid others.
Is Empathy a Sign of Maturity?
Empathy is not a type of skill that you either have or don’t have–it varies by degrees. It begins at a very early age. We see this when babies, upon hearing another baby cry, display signs of distress. And upon seeing a parent distressed while trying to reach for an object that is just out of reach, most toddlers will often crawl to the object and push it closer to the parent until the parent can pick it up.
As children get older, their empathy tends to increase. Boys, early in their teenage years tend to have a short period in which their empathy development goes a bit into reverse, but at about age 15, they begin to move forward again in developing this skill. This development tends to continue into young adulthood for both males and females, and for many, even well beyond. Since more fully developed skills of empathy tend to be more effective in achieving goals in the long run, people often view this as a sign of maturity.
Can Empathy be Learned?
Because empathy increases as a person gets older, we may become complacent when seeing our youth acting insensitive, or even downright cruel. We might simply chalk it up to immaturity, decide to rely on time itself to do its job to increase empathy, and therefore end up doing nothing to foster its development. In my view, this is a serious mistake. Many research studies have demonstrated that a number of methods can be used to increase empathy, and it makes sense that we utilize them to benefit individuals and their communities.
Methods that Increase Empathy
We can teach children to reach more mature levels of empathy in several ways. For example, when we read to them, we can pause from time to time and ask how each of the characters in the stories are probably feeling. If one of them is likely to be sad, we can express sadness in our face, thereby modeling an empathic response. We can then ask, “If the sad character was a friend of yours, what do you think would be a kind thing to do?” When the child comes up with a helpful suggestion, we could enthusiastically express our agreement that such an act would indeed be kind and then say that we respect people who are kind. If the character is happy, we can model the expression of happiness and ask a few questions about why the character is happy.
Here’s another idea. Have children learn on a daily basis in cooperative groups. Cooperative learning is the instructional use of small groups so that students work together to maximize their own and each other’s learning. Research has demonstrated that when this happens often enough, students not only learn more, they enhance their skill at getting along and increase their empathy. In these studies, throughout the day there was time for the development of individual goals, but daily students had to learn to function under cooperative conditions as well.
Although to my knowledge cooperative learning research has been studied exclusively within school settings, I believe families can effectively use this approach. For example, whenever the family goes on an outing, a parent can say something like, “Let’s all work together to make this a great time. Before we go, let’s take a few minutes to think up some ways we can all chip in to make this happen.” Then, each member of the family takes a turn suggesting what he or she can do to cooperate to achieve this shared goal. During the trip, parents can make sure they notice whenever someone is cooperating and play it up as being very appreciated.
For older children, and for us grown-ups as well, the most consistent way to increase empathy is through meditation. In an earlier post (see here) I presented a detailed description of a simple form of meditation and presented the scientific evidence for practicing this ancient art to reduce stress and ruminating on angry memories. Well, as it turns out, practicing meditation has been shown to also increase empathy, along with its close relative, kindness.
By the way, one of my favorite kindness stories involves the psychologist and philosopher, Professor William James, his son, Willie, and the professor’s brother, the esteemed writer, Henry James.
Henry is on the left and William James is on the right
A Story About Kindness
When Willie had grown to be a young man, a biographer who was working on a book about his recently deceased Uncle Henry, asked to speak with him.
“Did you get to know your Uncle Henry?” the biographer asked.
“Oh, yes. He would live with us for months at a time. When I was very young, I grew to love him because he took a very genuine interest in me. Most adults back then would just nod at me and maybe muss my hair, but Uncle Henry, he would take the time to engage me with challenging questions. Like he’d ask me what I had been thinking and feeling about things and people. And he always wanted to know what I thought other people were thinking and feeling. He had a nice, kind way of listening, too.”
“Can you recall for me a particular incident that occurred between you two that stands out in your mind that captures something special about your Uncle Henry?”
“Oh, yes.” Of all the events that occurred between Willie, the incident that stood out most vividly for him is the following:
One day, 9-year old Willie learned that his Uncle Henry was going abroad. The news saddened him for his absence would last a full year.
Upon Uncle Henry’s return to Cambridge, Massachusetts, the literary community entreated Willie’s dad, Professor William James, to throw a grand party for his brother to welcome him home and to discuss his latest literary achievements.
On the night of the party, Little Willie pleaded with his father to let him attend, but the professor insisted it was simply not a proper event for a young boy.
That night, Little Willie snuck out of his bedroom and peered through the banister posts at the top of the stairs. And when the grand proceedings began, oh, what a sight to remember.
All the great literary figures came—Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Nathaniel Hawthorn, and on and on. Each person who greeted Little Willie’s Uncle Henry did so with such awe and respect that Willie found this absolutely astonishing.
The next morning, Little Willie found Henry in the library already hard at work on his latest manuscript. Willie exclaimed, “Uncle Henry, Uncle Henry, the way everybody treated you last night, saying what a great man you are! Uncle Henry, what does it take for a man to be great?”
Henry smiled, put down his fountain pen, took a second or two to rub his chin, and then leaned forward toward Willie. “Willie, there are three things a man must do to be truly great. First, he must be kind; second, he must be kind; and third, he must be kind.”
Well, that’s my post for the week. Until next time, may you find the empathy within to remain ever mindful not to judge others by what you can or cannot see on the surface. Understand that the true wealth of individuals lies deep within, and it may be your kindness, caring and compassion that will tap into the riches of their souls.
———————————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
You get a phone call and discover the person you have fallen in love with has decided to end the relationship.
An event is coming up and each time you think about this, you experience waves and waves of fear.
Some big kids at school teased you in front of your friends and when you get home you find yourself vividly recalling, over and over again, what happened. These images are accompanied by gripping, gut-wrenching feelings of embarrassment.
Americans typically use three approaches when they are faced with such experiences. Let’s take a quick look at them, and then consider three very different approaches that are free and backed by research effectiveness studies.
Three Typical American Approaches to Deal With Emotional Pain
1. Drinking alcohol or taking pills.
Here we see a man who is using the drinking approach, and he ends up falling into the great sea of turmoil.
2. Trying to avoid thinking about the emotional pain.
Here we see Linus using the avoidance approach. People who try to avoid the problem of emotional pain sometimes say they don’t pay any attention to it, or that they just ignore it.
3. Trying to divert your attention to something more pleasant.
Here we see Ted trying to “face his fear” by diverting his attention to some fantasy.
If you are using one or more of these three approaches and find that you are completely satisfied with the results, I’d still like you to consider trying three different ones. They won’t cost you a dime, and there is scientific support for each.
Three Different Approaches to Dealing with Emotional Pain
1. Sensory Focus
Illustration by Jack Star Rubin
“Sensory focus” involves turning your attention to the physical qualities of the pain and observing the sensations you are experiencing.
If the sensations bring forth words such as pain, or awful agony, you accept this without judgment. You very gently, when you feel ready, return your focus to the physical sensations as if you are tasting, for the first time, some fresh mountain water from a tropical island. Just let the sensations wash over and through you for a couple of minutes. Do this each time you begin to experience the sensations. Also, find some time once in the morning, and once in the evening to take a couple of minutes to sit by yourself and practice doing this.
Although for many Americans distraction is believed to be more effective for managing distressing painful experiences than observing the physical sensations, when compared in experimental studies, distraction most often turns out to be the inferior technique.
Now, I should point out that if you look quickly online, you will see research reports that claim just the opposite—that distraction leads to better outcomes than experiencing the felt qualities of distress. These reports are usually based on an analysis that failed to make a distinction between sensory focus and emotion focus. Emotion focus has individuals attending to the emotional aspects of the pain. For example, someone going through a painful experience might focus on a thought such as, “This pain is making me feel terribly angry.” Notice that the emotion focus approach has one observing a set of words describing the feeling, whereas sensory focus has one observing its physical sensations.
In more recent studies, researchers have been making a clearer distinction between emotion focus techniques and sensory focus techniques. It now looks like sensory focus tends to be more efficacious than distraction.[1] More importantly for dealing with distressing emotional experiences, sensory focus was found to be even more effective when researchers looked not just at the short term effects of coping, but what happened in the long term.
Most studies on the effects of different coping styles look at what happens within four minutes of a painful experience. In such studies, sensory focus tends to be a more effective coping technique, but occasionally distraction did just as well, or even a little better. In a study by Kevin McCaul and Carl Haugtvedt,[2] for example, distraction reduced distress early in the four minute trial, but attention to sensations was a superior strategy for the last two minutes.”When studies looked at what happens when pain lasts longer than a few minutes, or a similar pain occurs again a week later, sensory focus over time more clearly is the better coping strategy.
Now some have argued that sensory focus works with men, but not women. However, even for brief pain lasting for just a few minutes the results have been inconsistent. For example, Thompson and his associates[3]found that women experienced less pain with distraction, but Roelofs and his associates[4] found that women who report that they are high in pain-related fear benefited more from the sensory focus technique than they did from distraction. In this study the whole painful experience was of the short term variety, lasting four minutes. There are fewer studies involving women and longer term pain, but Leventhal[5] and his associates found that women in labor who were instructed to monitor their pain sensations experienced a sharp decline in pain and negative mood during active labor. There was no decline in the control group that received no such instruction. Note that labor tends to last several hours, in contrast to the four minute type of pain that is usually the object of study in the scientific literature.
It appears that when you focus on carefully observing the sensations, your body mobilizes its internal resources to cope with the distressful experience. You have seen what happens when you cut your finger. You experience some pain, and before long your body, in an incredibly complex process, begins healing. Within a few days the cut is completely gone. You see from this that your body has a way to deal with the cut in a manner that the greatest scientists cannot yet duplicate. Similarly, when you take the time to fully observe the sensations from a distressing experience, your body over the course of time appears to carry out a process to address the distress in an incredibly helpful manner.
2. The Expressive Writing Technique
Over the course of four days, write for a minimum of 15 minutes at each sitting about something that has led to your challenging emotional experience. As you do so, make sure you include not only what happened,but also what you felt when it happened, and how you now feel about what happened. Include your deepest emotions and thoughts about what occurred. Really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. As you do so, recall the sensory experience of these feelings, not just the words that define the experience. In your writing, you might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now, or even your career. How is this experience related to who you would like to become, who you have been in the past, or who you are now?
You can write about the same issue every day or a series of different issues. Whatever you choose to write about, however, it is critical that you really let go and explore your very deepest emotions, sensations, and thoughts.
As you go through this experience, many people report that after writing, they sometimes feel somewhat sad or depressed. Like seeing a sad movie, this typically goes away in a couple of hours and in the long run is beneficial.
If you find that you are getting extremely upset about a writing topic and come to feel it is unwise to continue, trust your judgment and stop writing or change topics. You might try to return to the extremely unsettling topic again in a week or two. If you again begin to have feelings that are so extremely upsetting that you feel it is unwise to continue, trust your judgment and stop. Try one more time to write about this topic in a month or so. If you end up striking out, you might want to seek out a professional counselor to help you to process this sensitive material (see HERE for some suggestions for obtaining this type of counseling services).
Expressive writing has demonstrated in research studies to improve health outcomes and to reduce the anguish people experience during episodes of depression. You can find the research supporting the expressive writing technique by clicking here and here.
——————-
3. Meditation
For most people, meditation doesn’t provide relief of emotional challenges as quickly as sensory focus, but when it is combined with sensory focus and the expressive writing technique, it can lead to long term improvements.
In an earlier post, I describe a simple form of meditation, along with the research supporting its effectiveness (see Anger, Ruminations and Meditation). Millions of people for thousands of years have attested to both its health and emotional benefits.
So, there you have it, three approaches to dealing with emotions that are free, and can turn what is now experienced as pain into a valued source of creativity. Rather than something that has been perceived as negative, it is possible to come to understand that these challenging experiences are our only opener of our eyes to the highest levels of truth.
[1] J. Suls & B. Fletcher, 1985, The relative efficacy of avoidant and nonavoidant coping strategies: A meta-analysis. Health Psychology, vol 4 (3) 249-288.
[2] K. McCaul and C. Haugtvedt ,1982, J. of Personality and Social Personality, , vol 43(1), 154-162.
[3] T. Thompson, E. Keogh, & C. C. French, 2011, “Sensory focusing versus distraction and pain: moderating effects of anxiety sensitivity in males and females,” Journal of Pain, 12(80), 849-858.
[5]E. Leventhal, H. Leventhal, S. Shacham, & D. V. Easterling, 1989, “Active coping reduces reports of pain from childbirth,” J. of Consulting and Clinical Psychology,57(3), 365-371.
——————————-
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Recently, I published posts that discussed dealing with your anger that might arise when you are criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2). The techniques that are recommended in those posts can be helpful for those who are upset about what was said. But there are times when we are criticized and we get angry and we kind of think it’s about the criticism, but it really is about something else. Perhaps we realize that if someone else had criticized us in the same way using the same words, we would have been fine about it. Nevertheless, we ended up getting furious because of who said it. We then went home and our anger about what happened just kept coming up again and again. We wish it would just stop, but it doesn’t.
Such ruminations can be helpful. Each time we think over the memory in light of what we have learned since the event first occurred, we might think of some better ways to deal with the conflict. Then, if a similar event does occur, we may find that we are better prepared than if we hadn’t repeatedly mulled it over.
Despite their helpfulness, there are times when again and again an angry memory keeps creeping ever so annoyingly into our consciousness so that finally we conclude it doesn’t seem to be doing us any good.
Margaret was terribly abused by a man when she was a child. She now finds that even though twenty years have passed, each time she begins to develop a promising relationship with a guy, he ends up doing something that somehow reminds her of something that happened during the earlier abusive relationship. She then ends up recalling all that she had suffered. This leads her to act in a manner that is way out of proportion to what the new guy has done. The new guy runs for the hills and the woman, when she has calmed down, wishes she can become less sensitive.
Illustration by Eric Sailer
There are several approaches that we will be discussing in future posts to help deal with such disturbing ruminations. Today, we will focus on meditation.
Meditation
For thousands of years people have advocated that sitting comfortably while resting one’s thoughts on a mantra—that is, an object to attend to—can help to ease the burdens of life. Teachers of meditation usually mix in ancient wise counsel as the student learns this beautiful art.
Research has demonstrated that meditation can be helpful for improving empathy, working memory, the ability to focus, and relationship satisfaction, as well as reducing stress, anxiety, and ruminations. Evidence also suggests that mindfulness meditation has numerous health benefits, including increased immune functioning (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx for a review of the research.)
For those who want to give meditation a try before entering into a course or participating in many of the available wonderful retreats, I offer the following.
A SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE FORM OF MEDITATION
Illustration by Jack Star Rubin
Set aside about twenty minutes. Preferably, choose a time when you haven’t eaten for at least an hour. This is because right after a meal your stomach begins to work hard to digest what you have just consumed. It is better to wait until much of this is over. This way your body can devote more of its energy for your journey into the deepest levels of your mind.
The only tool you need is a clock or watch so you can know when the twenty minutes are up. Select the most quiet, comfortable place you can find for sitting. With this form of meditation there is no requirement to sit in any unique fashion. If you desire to shift your position at any time, feel free to go right ahead.
Begin by checking the time and then figure out what time it will be when twenty minutes will have passed. Then close your eyes, take a deep inward breath, and as you exhale, let your whole body deeply relax. For approximately thirty seconds, enjoy letting your mind drift wherever it wishes to go.
After the half minute has passed, begin to observe your breathing. This observation of your breath serves as your mantra. Do not try to alter the flow of your breath as you observe it, just observe it. At first you may find that just the act of observing your breathing in and out will result in altering your breathing pattern. This is very natural and a common experience. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing when this happens. As long as you gently seek to observe your breathing without influencing its flow you are doing wonderfully.
Now, as you gently seek to do this, not only will you see yourself at times influencing the flow of your breathing, but you will also find, from time to time, that your attention will drift away from your breath altogether. In fact, it is a common experience. Many of us find that we spend almost no time whatsoever observing our breath as we meditate, our thoughts instead drifting here and there on other matters. Such experiences are a natural part of meditating. You are doing nothing wrong. There is no need to feel guilty.
When you notice that your attention has drifted away from your breathing, very gently see if you can effortlessly return to observing your breath. If you can, do so. If you find that your mind drifts back to something else, this is fine. The whole process is effortless. This is one reason that it is so relaxing. That is, you give your mind something so simple to do that it requires no real effort, and whenever you begin to drift from this no effort task, you accept this as just a natural part of the process without chastising yourself.
As you do this, from time to time check and when you notice that twenty minutes have gone by, take a deep in-breath, exhale, and then give yourself two minutes to let your breath and mind wander wherever they will go. In this way, you ease out of meditation and return to your non-meditative state.
SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Over the years, when I taught people to meditate, the following questions were often asked. 1. Question: How often should I meditate? Answer: The research demonstrating the effectiveness of meditation has not yet adequately compared those who meditate twice a day to those who meditate more or less. Instead of research, we are guided by tradition and our own experience.
From traditional sources, twice a day appears to be the most common practice. Dr. Herbert Benson, the author of the popular book titled, The Relaxation Response, and a leader in carrying out research on meditation, reports that once or twice a day is sufficient.
I recommend that beginners practice twice a day (preferably before breakfast and before suppertime) for the following reasons. This is what I was taught by a yoga teacher when I first began to practice forty years ago and it has become a comfortable, valued practice for over 40 years. Moreover, I have taught many using this technique and have never seen anyone who expressed harm from this practice. There have been many who have reported dramatic improvements in daily functioning.
2. Question: If I don’t have time to meditate for twenty minutes can I gain some benefits from practicing for less time? Answer: Dr. Herbert Benson reports that some studies indicate that practicing daily as little as ten minutes per day can produce significant improvements lowering your stress levels. If you find that you don’t have even ten minutes a day to meditate, you might consider that age old adage that the time to meditate is when you don’t have time to meditate.
A young woman once told me that she didn’t have time to meditate even for ten minutes a day. “How much TV do you watch?” I inquired. She smiled sheepishly and after a few seconds of calculating in her mind, replied, “Five hours a night.” She quickly added, “Well, I have to watch my shows!” In my view, this woman would be wise to reset her priorities.
3. Question: How does meditation help to reduce problems involving recurring angry memories? Answer: As you meditate, among the thoughts that float into your awareness are angry memories. When this occurs, you tend to be in a more peaceful state than usual. The pairing of the memory with this peaceful state allows for a more dispassionate look at the events that had surrounded the original angry episode. This process often leads to a perspective that is experienced as less threatening. And sometimes an insightful plan suddenly emerges with great promise should a similar problem cross your path.
The meditation process has been likened to dying a piece of material. Suppose you have a white sweater and you would like to dye it a nice royal blue. The first time you dip the sweater in the dye solution and let it sit for a while, when you lift it from the solution you might not notice any change at all. Upon soaking the sweater again in the solution, letting it sit for awhile, and then lifting it out, this time you may think you notice a slight change, but you are not sure. You repeat this process several more times and slowly but surely you begin to see the color of the sweater becoming a wonderful hue. In this way, each time you sit in meditation, your anger will ease into something more beautiful.
——————————— Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
You say that you’re down on your luck. Well, most of us have found ourselves down there. I know I have, so, welcome to the club.
Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Show on “Luck” provides some important lessons.
I ain’t got nobody and I don’t know what to do
Today, it is popular to just try to snap out of these experiences, perhaps by going to a psychiatrist to get some pills. For me, personally, in addition to listening to some blues music, I meditate twice a day. I find that as I meditate, there are times when I experience waves and waves of bluesy feelings. In meditation, during these times, there is no need to explain, no need to try to talk myself out of this experience. I just experience its fullness, its richness as it enriches my soul.
Emily Dickinson had some feelings about luck. She didn’t think it was chance at all. Here’s what she had to say, “Luck is not chance, it’s toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.”
