Tag: criticism

Unintended Interpersonal Offense: How to Handle Them

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 24, 2024
No Comments on Unintended Interpersonal Offense: How to Handle Them

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Sometimes we say something to a lover, friend, or colleague and find we are being angrily criticized because what was said offended the listener. Regular visitors to this blog know I have discussed how to deal with criticism in a manner that enhance how much people will like and respect you (see as examples HERE, HERE, and HERE). In these posts, I made the case that one approach to responding to criticism in a likable manner is as follows:

Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then, with the use of summarizing, make it clear that you fully understand what was said. Moreover, you put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that you are thinking about the criticism by asking for clarification about key points. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, you make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If you are not sure if you agree, you make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

In a later post, I suggested that:

In addition to actions consistent with the above approach, the most skillful folks seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism, thus showing a willingness to bend for the purpose of enhancing the relationship. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most skillful individuals.

In addition to these descriptions, I provided many examples and practice sessions so readers could incorporate these ideas into their own approach to handling criticism.

Since publishing these posts, it has come to my attention that sometimes we are criticized because we said something that was in no way intended to offend the listener, but, nevertheless, indeed led to the person feeling offended. For example, some guy I know recently referred to a mature woman as a girl, and the woman took offense to this. The guy became defensive, insisting he fully respect women despite using that word. His tone, along with his insistence that he has no intention of changing, left hard feelings behind.

While thinking about this, I came upon an excellent Ted Talk by Lambers Fisher titled, “What to do When you Offend Someone?“ I encourage folks to give it a listen. Here, I will discuss the two suggestions of his that I view as most helpful.

The First Suggestion

As Lambers Fisher puts it:

What’s offensive is not always about an absolute list of rights or wrongs, but more often something that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you’ve unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

So, as I interpret this point, we will first learn and come to fully accept and expect that people do become offended at things that may surprise us. In the example that I gave of a woman being offended because a guy referred to her as a girl, if you deeply learn this principle, you wouldn’t get stuck in the shock that she was upset about this. You would, instead, accept that this indeed offended her, and in a caring, compassionate manner seek to learn from her why she finds it offensive.

I remember my mother, who worked in a Wall Street bank as a secretary, would come home from time to time very upset explaining that one of the bankers got “fresh” with her. I learned that that meant someone did something very sexually objectionable to her. That left an awful feeling in her, and if those guys had been calling the secretaries “girls” maybe the association with that word and the sexual behavior might have stayed with her and brought with it fear of harm.

Whatever the reason, if you care about the relationship, rather than be stuck in the shock of finding out the offended person is offended, learn instead to express empathy regarding the feelings of the offended person. Letting the offended person know you intend to no longer repeat the offense is a great way to strengthen the relationship.

The Second Suggestion

Lambers Fisher puts it this way:

If you are informed that you’ve unintentionally offended someone and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how you didn’t know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration. “How could you not know? Everybody knows that that’s offensive.”

Lambers encourages us to accept that there’s nothing everyone knows. Trying to convince the offended party of this when they are feeling offended is only likely to increase anger and frustration. If we can learn to accept the accusation without becoming defensive, and instead frame it as an opportunity to reduce our ignorance and the likelihood of the next offense, we are in a much better position to maintain, and even enhance, positive relationships.

Unfortunately, merely hearing a set of suggestions in a Ted Talk is unlikely to produce highly satisfying improved behavior. If these suggestions are to be truly used in the midst of some anger being expressed by the offended party typically you must practice it in a pleasant nonthreatening situation. To that end, I encourage you to find a partner who will act out with you a few scenarios that display an offended person reacting angrily while you employ the suggestions. Do this three or four times over several days, and you very likely will notice a distinct improvement in your skillfulness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict resolution, criticism, Lambers Fisher, Offending Someone

Criticism and the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 6, 2024
7 Comments on Criticism and the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. In my last blog post, we discussed how criticism often leads to an angry conflict related to the desire to be liked. We now turn to another reason why criticism often leads to a conflict — the desire to maintain freedom.

Back in 1966, psychologist Jack W. Brehm published a remarkable book entitled, A Theory of Psychological Reactance. In a nutshell, it states that people become motivationally aroused by a threat to or elimination of a behavioral freedom. This motivational state is what is called psychological reactance.

Psychological reactance impels the individual to restore the freedom that was threatened or taken away. There may be two manifestations of the occurrence of reactance: actual attempts to restore freedom and increased perceived attractiveness of the lost or threatened option.

Dr. Brehm argued that people tend to ask themselves, “If he does this to me, what can’t he do?” That is, when one freedom is threatened or taken away, many freedoms logically could be in danger, and they presumably will be perceived as threatened unless there is an explicit and convincingly stated limit.

Dr. Brehm has provided the following example:

Two or three years ago when services at the Library of Congress were reduced because of the budget squeeze, users of the library screamed bloody murder. My guess is that while some users may have been inconvenienced, the real strength of their response came from the implied threat to all their uses of the library. After all, if certain services could be reduced, then what was to prevent those services from being eliminated altogether or other services from being reduced or eliminated?[1]

Now let’s apply this theory of reactance to the frequent observation that criticism often leads to defensiveness.

In this comic strip, we see Lucy is mighty upset because her mother criticized her for being bad and then paired this with a punishment — cancelling her birthday party. This pairing of criticism and punishment is so common when kids are growing up that it may be the reason why many folks have a difficult time dealing with criticism even when it is unlikely to lead in a particular situation to punishment.

The association of punishment and criticism perhaps has become so ingrained from early childhood, that without even realizing it, many become defensive and resist criticism.

We see, in this comic, Lucy trying to resist her mother’s punishment, and when Linus criticizes Lucy’s response to her mother, Lucy cries out that she would rather die than go along with it.

The threat to both desires, being liked and doing whatever the hell we like, apparently are major reasons why criticism is so hard to bear. The tough feelings that come about has led to a philosophy of many folks that they should discourage anyone from providing criticism to them by their righteous defensiveness.

John Stuart Mill published a brilliant book back in 1859, titled On Liberty, and it is still revered by millions. He presents a very different philosophy. According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…” Mr. Mill does not just declare that this is so; rather, he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position. He points to many people who were quite certain of a position and after hearing counterarguments came to realize they had been mistaken. Many people, for example, once believed with complete certainty that the Earth is flat but came to change their minds when they met up with people who criticized their belief using sound evidence.

Although it would distract us for too long to review all of Mr. Mill’s examples and arguments, I would like you to consider carefully one of his finest paragraphs.

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it: for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

In my view, some people, when they criticize us, sometimes do provide us with information and ideas that we had not been previously aware of. And even when some people criticize us and provide us with information and ideas that strike us as false, we are still likely to be better off in the end. The very process we go through of putting some ideas together so that we can articulate why we hold their information and ideas as false has a way of organizing and deepening our understanding in a helpful manner.

For me, personally, having been quite defensive in my earlier years, taking up this aspect of Mill’s philosophy has led to far more pleasant exchanges. In fact, I often find it fun. And I like that it moves me more to an authoritative approach in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.

What would a response to criticism look like that is consistent with this type of philosophy? Here’s my take on this.

The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

As it happens, I have found that people who respond to criticism in this way are more liked and respected than those who instead become defensive. Moreover, over the years of my teaching conflict resolution and counseling folks, I have found that most people can easily learn to respond to criticism in this more positive manner even if they had spent years responding defensively.

The training needed to make that change is simple and free. Over a two month period, once a week reserve fifteen minutes at a convenient time to imagine someone has criticized you. Write how you think you might respond. Not just the words you might say, but how you might feel, and also how defensive your words might be perceived. Then, reread the description of the type of response I described above in italics. Then, three times, out loud, provide a response to the criticism that is consistent with that description. After two months, make an appointment with a friend or family member to help you out. Show the helper the italicized response description, and then have the helper make up some criticism of you, and have her or him use it in a role-play in which you are criticized, and you respond. Use your phone camera to record it. Then, while watching the video recording, ask your helper to criticize how well your response matches the italicized paragraph. Do this exercise one more time about a week later, and you will be amazed at how easy you will be able to handle criticism in the future.

[1] J. W. Brehm [1989], “Psychological Reactance: Theory and Applications,” in Advances in Consumer Research, Volume 16, eds. Thomas K. Srull, Provo, UT : Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 72-75

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict resolution, criticism, Desire to be free

conflict resolution criticism

Criticism and the Desire to be Liked

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 25, 2024
7 Comments on Criticism and the Desire to be Liked

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

When someone provides criticism anger often ensues.

The above comic offers us a fine example. Why is Sally getting so angry over her brother’s comment? Could it have to do with the desire to be liked and loved?

For many of us, not being liked or loved is the worst thing imaginable. When you’re around someone who likes you, oftentimes that makes life more pleasant.

People don’t only desire to be liked, they also desire that people like their clothes, their appearance, and their acts as well.

There is within natural selection theory a hypothesis about why people feel so strongly about being liked. This hypothesis states that people have an inborn fear of not being liked because in some ancient cultures someone not liked would be banished from the tribe, and those banished would be less likely to survive in the harsh environs of the day than those who were not banished. It is also possible that people are more likely to help others who are liked, and this too provides an increase chance of survival.

The anxiety of not being loved as much as you desire, when coupled with the fear that accompanies the image of being all on your own can be so uncomfortable that it leads individuals to do some creative acts to ward off these feelings.

For me the following poem by Emily Dickinson beautifully captures what may be going on inside of us when we feel the sense of not being loved:

There is a pain — so utter —
It swallows substance up —
Then covers the Abyss with Trance —
So Memory can step
Around — across — upon it —
As one within a Swoon —
Goes safely — where an open eye —
Would drop Him— Bone by Bone.

Here Dickinson talks about a pain so utter it swallows substance up and then covers the abyss with trance. The experience of being unloved and all alone is like this. Any act that reminds an individual of these feelings can provoke defensiveness.

Many people don’t like it when they are criticized and begin to take some action to discourage it. In our Peanuts comic, Sally feels her brother is wrong for not liking her swirls, and perhaps attached to those feelings is fear of not being liked. Why else would she act so strongly about her brother’s comment?

By more deeply understanding why people can react so strongly to criticism, we can see better how to deal with them. For example, if Charlie Brown indeed likes his sister, he would be wise to consider if there is any value to letting her know this more often than he has been doing. A comment from time to time such as, “You know Sally, you’re my sister and I love you a whole bunch,” could be very helpful to fulfill her desire to be liked.

Another approach Charlie Brown could try is to begin to teach Sally that he can still like her even if he doesn’t think what she did on some occasion was great. We can love the person even when we don’t love the act the person has carried out. If Charlie Brown would help Sally to fulfill her desire to be liked on a regular basis by using these techniques, the recurring conflict that involves her desire to be liked may come up less frequently when he criticizes her. He would have to try it out to test this hypothesis, but it at least gives Charlie Brown a plan that has the potential to improve his current situation.

Being aware of the connection between the desire to be liked and criticism also helps us to be aware that sometimes it is better not to criticize someone in front of others. Notice what happens after Charlie Brown criticizes Sally’s swirls and then Sally interprets Snoopy as having also criticized them.

Sally becomes even more upset. When you become threatened because you think that one person doesn’t like you, it becomes even more painful when others gang up on you.

The words Sally uses when she hollers at Snoopy are interesting— “And who asked you?” It suggests that Sally feels that if she did not ask Snoopy for his opinion, he has no right to be giving his opinion. Sally’s view is quite common.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed? For many, it hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Now there are occasions when the risk makes sense. Let’s say I’m dating Alison, and it is pretty clear she likes me and that I like her. But there is one thing Alison does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting and glares. She hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I feel that it’s worth a shot to confront her with this because both of us could benefit from solving this problem.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up this recurring “liking” conflict, I could present my comments to her carefully. I can seek to find a time when we are all alone and she appears to be open and relaxed. At that time, I could say, “Alison, I sure like you a lot. I’m very physically attracted to you, you’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her and by giving her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to our criticizing ourselves. Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are inherently, unchangeably not likable. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

Tags conflict resolution, criticism, The desire to be liked

Blaming President Biden Inflation President Joe Biden

Is Inflation Really Biden’s Fault?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 7, 2024
No Comments on Is Inflation Really Biden’s Fault?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today, we discuss Donald Trump and his supporters taking cheap shots seeking to blame President Biden for inflation. They are doing this despite the overwhelming evidence that countries around the world, regardless of whether they are led by very conservative or liberal governments, have been experiencing inflation. Moreover, it is factually undeniable that the annual inflation rates for dozens and dozens of goods routinely purchased by American households – including food – were already at their highest levels before Biden entered the White House in 2021.

Two reasons for those spikes in prices have to do with the COVID-19 relief spending enacted under Trump’s administration with overwhelming Republican support, and so many people becoming sick from the virus, thereby leading to an inability to obtain sufficient supplies and services. Such shortages, as any economist will be eager to explain, lead to increases in costs. Suppliers, unable to get all of their usual amount of goods to customers, can’t sell as much of those items so they raise prices to make up for the resulting losses, while consumers, struggling to obtain these supplies as well as needed services, are forced to pay more rather than to do without.

Another driver of inflation began in February, 2022 when Russia invaded Ukraine. This created uncertainty in oil and gas markets, leading to spikes in prices, as well as disruptions to food supplies, especially stocks of wheat. These events occurred against a backdrop of record heat waves, floods, and other weather events caused by climate change which exacerbated food shortages in many parts of the world.

In seeking to blame Biden, Trump supporters ignore that it was Trump who appointed Jerome Powell to head the Federal Reserve. Congress approved Powell for the position because of his excellent credentials, and he continues his term under President Biden.

The Federal Reserve has a dual mandate, keeping inflation in check and maximizing employment. Though Republican congressional leaders are blaming Biden for inflation, they are silent about taking any responsibility for approving the person whose actual job is controlling inflation.

That said, don’t think I’m seeking to blame Powell for inflation rather than Biden. I’m confident Powell is doing a competent job under terribly difficult circumstances. But for Trump and congressional leaders to instead blame Biden is, it seems to me, a pretty cheap shot.

If I was a news reporter, every time I heard Trump or a Trump supporting congressional leader blame Biden for inflation, I would look them in the eye and ask, “Do you really think inflation is Biden’s fault?” Oh, I have no doubt that in reply, they will point at one policy or another that may or may not have had some tiny effects on inflation, just as Democrats can similarly do when pointing to policies supported by Trump and his administration.

As for me, I think the respectable thing to do at this point is to ditch the insults and blaming and admit that the Trump and Biden administration, along with congressional leaders all struggled to deal with the incredible challenges of the international pandemic. None of them wanted the country to have inflation, and in seeking to contain it, made the best decisions they could come up with. It’s long time to put all of this blaming behind us and get on with the work that lies ahead.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Blaming Biden for inflation, conflict resolution, criticism, Donald Trump, inflation, Joe Biden

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Is Viewing Someone As Acting Immature Insulting?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 28, 2020
4 Comments on Is Viewing Someone As Acting Immature Insulting?

Welcome to From Insults To Respect.

As someone with considerable training in developmental psychology, I sometimes view certain styles of behavior on a scale ranging from immature to mature. When I do that, might I be insulting those who I view as acting immature? For those of you, who like me, prefer not to insult anyone, I invite you to join me in considering this question.

Let’s begin with the following scenario:

In the above scenario, when Andy calls Marsha immature, does he insult her?

Hmmm. Before answering this question, I think I’ll first take a little peek over here in my Webster’s College Dictionary.

Considering Webster’s Definitions of “Insult”

I see here that one definition of insult is “a deliberately discourteous or rude remark or act that humiliates, wounds the feelings, and arouses anger: an insult about her foreign accent.” I see that there are other definitions as well. I think I’ll spend a little time first considering this one, and then I’ll take a look at another definition.

Well, with this definition, I guess I can’t be sure just from looking at the pictures if Andy is deliberately trying to be discourteous or rude. And so, I’m not sure if he insulted her.

One way to interpret the two-picture scenario is that Andy became defensive at Marsha’s comment and in anger he deliberately tried to punish her by acting rude. In that case, if Marsha reacted to Andy’s comment by feeling humiliated or wounded, then it seems to me that according to the definition I’m considering, Andy did insult Marsha.

Interestingly, even if Andy deliberately tried to punish her by acting rude, if Marsha didn’t react by feeling humiliated or wounded, with the definition that I’m currently considering, I would say that he did not insult her.

Another way to interpret the two-picture scenario, although less plausible to me, is that Andy genuinely believes that a mature woman does not mind her husband flirting. If Andy, after saying, “Marsha, you’re acting immature,” gently explained his belief about this while remaining loving and caring toward Marsha, would his comment about her being immature still be an insult? Not according to the definition that I am considering because he did not deliberately try to be discourteous or rude. She might have felt insulted, but he did not insult her.

I see here that Webster does provide us another definition for insult–“something having the effect of an affront: That book is an insult to one’s intelligence.”

In that definition, it doesn’t matter if Andy is being deliberately discourteous or rude. If Marsha reacts to Andy’s comment as if it was disrespectful and an open offense to her dignity, then he has insulted her. And, even if Andy deliberately wanted to be discourteous and rude, if Marsha did not react as if she had received an affront, then we could say that Andy’s comment did not insult her. Perhaps we can say instead that Andy tried to insult Marsha, but failed.

My Personal Experience with Insults

An interesting thing about my own life is that when I was young, if someone tried to insult me, it usually worked–in that I indeed ended up feeling insulted. As I got older–dare I say, more mature–I became less and less likely to feel insulted, even if someone called me stupid or an idiot.

I have become, over the years, more and more comfortable with who I am as a person, and I don’t rely as much on the opinions of others when judging my own worth. I’m still very much interested in what other people have to say about me because I believe I can learn a great deal from these types of discussions. But I respect myself for having this attribute. And I don’t often automatically assume that a negative evaluation from others makes me a bad person.

My Blog, Immaturity and Insults

Let’s consider another scenario.

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I read one of your blog posts last night, Dr. Rubin–the one titled, Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity. You say in it that if a person provides negative criticism by using name calling, insults, and shouting, that’s immature. Well, I sometimes use name calling, insults and shouting when I criticize my kids and my husband. That means that in your blog post, you insulted me, calling me immature. Calling me immature is calling me a name, and an insulting one at that. So you’re as immature as I am!”

“I think I understand what you are saying, Judy. Do you feel that I was trying to deliberately be discourteous or rude to you?”

“Maybe not deliberately, but what you said in your blog post felt like you were being insulting, and I felt insulted.”

“Well, Judy, I didn’t mean to be discourteous or rude. I certainly am not trying to do anything that tears you down–just the opposite.”

“I know, but calling people immature is insulting.”

“Well, Judy, I don’t want you to continue to feel that I am insulting you, so let’s see what we can do differently.”

“OK.”

“Now, to begin with, let’s quickly review why you have been coming to see me. As I recall, you were concerned about how you were getting along with your husband and kids and you wanted me to help you to address this–is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Now, during my training on how to help people with this type of concern, I had professors who viewed themselves as developmental psychologists. These professors view people as going through different developmental stages or levels, moving from relatively immature levels to more mature levels. They didn’t merely name each level, they did their best to go beyond the name to describe each higher level so that people, if they chose to do so, could have enough information to make some life changes.

Although I like this approach, I had some other professors that taught me how to use a couple of other approaches that I think can be very helpful, and they don’t bother with words like immature and mature. For example, one approach would have you stop reading my blog, and when you visit my office I’ll listen to you in a caring, supportive way. From time to time, I’ll ask you a few questions to challenge you to think more deeply about the issues that you are raising. When you reply, I won’t give you my opinion. Instead, I’ll listen and empathize with what you are experiencing.”

“Well, actually, I look forward to reading your blog each week, Dr. Rubin. They make me angry some of the time, but I must admit that they’ve been very helpful. As far as just listening to me in a caring way, you already do a lot of that. If I want your opinion, I ask and I guess I want you to be honest and tell me what you really think.”

“All right, Judy. Another thing that we can try is this. Some people, when they are provided negative criticism, always feel insulted even when the criticism is provided without any name calling, insults and shouting. Other people, even when they are provided negative criticism with name calling, insults and shouting don’t feel insulted. Attempts to insult them are like water off of a duck’s back. These people can hear the negative criticism that comes with efforts to humiliate and wound their feelings, and they can seek to learn something from the criticism. Sometimes they do experience some strong emotions that arise when they hear the negative criticism, but this is experienced not as humiliation, but, instead, as an experience that helps them to come up with more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments. If you want, over the next few weeks we can work on this.”

“I like that, Dr Rubin. I do think I’m a bit too sensitive about criticism. Let’s give that approach a try.”

“OK.”

Conclusion

Well, I guess, after considering all of this, I’ve decided to continue to view certain behavior patterns in a developmental framework. To my readers, I don’t mean to insult you when I refer to a pattern that you might utilize as immature, but rather, I hope to challenge you to consider some alternative pattern that you may find better in some ways. For those who are interested in my definition of psychological maturity, see HERE.

So, with that, thanks for stopping by today at From Insults To Respect, and may the rest of your week be filled with wonder and delight.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags criticism, insults, maturity, maturity levels, respect

conflict resolution criticism Disagreements incivility at work insults Levels of Maturity Stephen Colbert Supreme Cort Justices Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer

Supreme Court Justices Dealing with Their Disagreements

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 23, 2015
No Comments on Supreme Court Justices Dealing with Their Disagreements

On this blog, we have been discussing the question, “Is it possible that there are immature and mature ways to handle our disagreements?” To help answer this question, I have, very tentatively, proposed five levels of maturity for providing criticism (see here) and five levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see here and here).

In defending these levels of maturity, I have pointed out that I have made videotapes of individuals acting out scenarios in which they portray characters who are dealing with disagreements. In some, the actors use a style that match the more immature levels, and in others, they use a style that match the more mature levels. I have found that independent viewers of these videotapes tend to rate the actors as more likable and respected when they displayed a style that match the descriptions of the higher levels of maturity.

I have used some other arguments, as well. For example, I asked people to consider the golden rule, and then ask themselves, “When I criticize someone, how would I like the other party to ideally respond?” Most people clearly prefer that the other party would respond in a manner that is very consistent with the higher levels of maturity that I have outlined on this blog.

As I continue to write about these issues, I’m always on the lookout for other ways to bring home the idea that there are indeed mature and immature ways to provide and respond to criticism.

Supreme Court Justice Breyer Interview with Stephen Colbert

Well, with this in mind, recently I happened to be watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and he had as a guest, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. The two got to discussing how the justices deal with their own disagreements, and as it turned out, it seems to me that it is relevant to the maturity discussion. After all, supreme court justices are selected from among the most highly regarded judges in our land, and they surely get plenty of practice dealing with disagreements. So, for your consideration, here’s the transcript of the Late Show discussion (For those who would like to see the entire exchange themselves, it can be viewed on Youtube here).

The Late Show Discussion Between Colbert and Supreme Court Justice Breyer

Colbert: Let’s talk about disagreeing. You go to work everyday, and manage to get your job done with a group of nine people, half of whom disagree with you vehemently on a host of different issues. How do you guys manage to keep doing your job while the rest of the government can’t?

Justice Breyer: When we are sitting around that table, well, I don’t know about, let’s leave the rest of the government out of it, but I’ll say that when the rest of us are sitting around that table discussing, the nine of us discussing, I’ve been there over 20 years, 21, I have never heard a voice raised in anger, I have never heard one member of our court say something insulting about another, not even as a joke. Of course we disagree. We disagree about half the time; we’re unanimous about half the time; and we’re 5 to 4, and it’s not always the same 4, maybe 20 percent or so, and we feel it possibly quite strongly, but the discussion is professional, it is serious, but it is not personal, and we are good friends despite the fact that we agree some of the time and we disagree others of the time.

How Does Supreme Court Justice Breyer’s Description of How the Members of the Court Handle Their Disagreements Match this Blog’s Description of Mature Ways to Deal with Disagreements?

On this blog, one of the most mature ways to provide criticism is described as follows:

The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

One of the most mature ways to respond to criticism, as described on this blog is:

People at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Obviously Justice Breyer’s comment about his court’s style of dealing with disagreements was brief. When you are on a show like The Late Show, it is understandable that replies to questions must be fairly brief, and in a conversational manner. So, we can’t say with certainty that his response is a perfect match with this blog’s description of a mature style. But note that in over 20 years, despite regularly disagreeing with one another, he never heard a voice raised in anger, or heard one member of our court say something insulting about another, not even as a joke. And he mentioned, as well, that they are all good friends. This seems an excellent match with the phrase in this blog’s description of a mature response to criticism that states, “People at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style.”

In my view, the way Justice Breyer describes the style used by the Supreme Court Justices to discuss their disagreements is well worth thinking about as we think about our own style for discussing disagreements.

Well, those are some thoughts for today. May all of my readers have a wonderful week, and here’s to hoping you’ll join us again real soon on “From Insults to Respect.”

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags criticism, Disagreements, dispute management, psychological maturity, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, Supreme Court Justices

conflict management conflict resolution criticism guilt interpersonal conflicts likability The DIG Conflict Model

Comics, Conflicts and the Desire to be Liked

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 16, 2015
No Comments on Comics, Conflicts and the Desire to be Liked

Habitual ways of acting often can’t be overcome by a single discussion. Thus, it helps to bring before our conscience some ideas a few times over the course of several months. With that in mind, let’s review some of the ideas we have discussed earlier on this blog about conflict and the desire to be liked. By utilizing a fresh new batch of comics I hope to demonstrate that we can have some fun as we go about this.

Letting Someone You Like Know You Like Them is a Key to Resolving Many a Conflict

As good old Charlie Brown makes clear, it is hugely important for him to be liked. This happens to be true for most of us.

As we discussed in an earlier post, this desire to be liked often becomes threatened when we find that we are embroiled in a conflict. To settle things down to a level at which reasonableness has a chance to prevail, if you happen to like the other party, you might find it helpful to mention this.

I remember one time long ago when I was a mere eighteen years old, I had planned to go to see a movie with a friend. He arrived so late that we missed the show and I became angry.

Did I have a conflict with my friend? On this blog, when we look to see if there is a conflict in a situation, we use the phrase “DIG for the conflict” to help us to answer this question. The word DIG helps us to remember to look for a desire, something that interferes with the desire, and if someone feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong. In the situation I described, I desired to go see this movie and my friend interfered with this desire by arriving late. I felt he was guilty of being inconsiderate. And so I did end up having a conflict with my friend for coming late.

When we use the DIG Conflict Model, we also use the word DIG to remind us to dig a little deeper when thinking about a conflict. A tool that we use to dig deeper is to remember that people typically desire to be liked. With that in mind, can I describe a different type of conflict that occurred within me when my friend came late? Here’s one. I desired to be liked and when my friend came late I felt he interfered with this desire because it seemed to me that if he really liked me, he would have shown up on time. I felt he was guilty of treating me disrespectfully.

Back then when I was eighteen, how did I react to my friend coming late? I started shouting and calling him names. A popular way for people to respond to the way I was acting is to shout louder and to try to return the insults with insults. But rather than throwing insults at me, this friend of mine quietly heard me out, and then he looked sadly down at the ground for a few seconds, then he looked up into my eyes, and said softly, “Jeff, your friendship means a lot to me. I like you a ton and a half. I’m real sorry I was late.”

My anger eased, and within a few minutes we were having our usual good time together.

Responding to Criticism Immaturely Can Leave You All Alone

Here we see that Lucy interprets Charlie Brown’s question as criticism. She responds by shouting and displaying other signs of defensiveness such as wildly waving her fists all around. Charlie Brown soon hurries away.

Using the DIG Conflict Model, we might describe this situation as follows: As we know, Charlie Brown desires to be liked. Lucy’s response to his question perhaps interfered with this desire because he believes that when people like you they don’t speak to you in the tone of voice that Lucy used. He might have also felt she was guilty of treating him disrespectfully. Perhaps Charlie Brown abruptly left in response to this conflict he had with Lucy.

In an earlier post titled “Responding to Criticism: Four Levels Of Maturity” we see that Lucy’s style of responding to criticism tends to decrease one’s likability. It also increases the chance that it will create unnecessary conflicts.

What would be a more mature response? In my earlier post, I described one of the most mature ways to respond to criticism as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

What response could have Lucy made in response to Charlie Brown’s question that would have earned her a level closer to a 4 rating? It might be worth discussing this with a few friends. One answer might be something like this:

Lucy smiles and says, “That’s a reasonable question, Charlie Brown. Let me think about this for a few seconds.” She then pauses and rubs her chin, thus showing that she is taking his question seriously. Then she might have said, “I just thought I’d see if I could make more money in the winter by raising my rates.” If Lucy did this without any defensiveness, I think it probably would have come off as more likable than the way she did act in the comic. And perhaps Charlie Brown’s desire to be liked would have become less threatened.

Even Mature People Find It Difficult to Deal With Too Much Criticism In Too Short A Period Of Time

Here Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead end up having a conflict with their neighbors. That is, the Bumsteads had a desire to have a pleasant evening with their new neighbors, but the neighbors constant negative comments interfered with this desire. In the end, the Bumsteads perhaps felt their new neighbors were guilty of being too negative.

Jefferson Writing Declaration of Independence

A while back I provided a post titled “PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LESSON FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.” There I summarized Jefferson’s views about how to respond to people you are just beginning to get to know:

One of the main desires that people have is to be liked. If we criticize people before we establish that we like them, they are much more likely to feel that we will not like them. This dramatically increases the likelihood of heightened levels of defensiveness. If, instead, we seek first to establish that we do esteem our new companions, while holding off any negative criticism until a close, friendly relationship has been established, perhaps this would be a wiser course of action. Even after establishing a close friendly relationship, perhaps it still makes sense to avoid giving too much criticism in too short a period of time.

Well, those are some ideas I wanted to review today. In sum, when you are in the midst of a conflict, if you happen to like the other party, it often makes sense to do something to let him or her know it. Even if you don’t particularly like or dislike the other party in a conflict, it is often better if you avoided acting in ways that might be interpreted as disliking him or her. The more mature levels of responding to criticism are less likely to lead others to feel you don’t like them and increases the chances that they will like you. When you are just beginning a new relationship, it is usually better to keep any negative criticism to a minimum until you establish that you genuinely like the other party, and even then, be careful to avoid too much negative criticism in too short a period of time.

I hope you had some fun while we went about reviewing these ideas. May the rest of your week be filled with delightful human interactions.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict management, criticism, DIG Conflict Model, likability, negative criticism

Bob Dylan conflict resolution fools insults Listening skills Name calling

Bob Dylan On Fools

Bob Dylan begins his Theme Time Radio Hour show about fools, with a beautiful instrumental version of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love.” After a few bars of this tune, it continues in the background as Bob begins to speak:

James Thurber

James Thurber once said, “You can fool too many of the people too much of the time,” and for the next hour we’re going to try to do just that. Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour. Today we’re going to talk about patsies, stooges, marks, jesters, jokers, buffoons, clowns, tricksters, harlequins, and the village idiots, because in honor of April first, it’s our fools’ program. Everybody plays the fool sometimes, and for the next hour we’re going to play the greatest records about our favorite halfwits, the fools.

Recently, I provided a post on this blog titled, “Bob Dylan on Madness,” as an entertaining way to practice some of the basic principles I regularly discuss. That post was so popular that I thought, Why not do a similar post utilizing Bob’s show on fools? After all, in addition to people at times seeking to insult themselves and others by saying such things as “You’re mad” or “You’re crazy,” they do likewise by saying such things as “You’re a fool” or “You’re a buffoon.” Are there more respectful, helpful ways to deal with situations that give rise to such name calling? I think so. Let’s see if we can have some fun thinking about this issue as we review Bob’s show on fools.

Chain of Fools

After Bob’s brief introduction, he dives right into Aretha Franklin’s emotionally charged song, “Chain of Fools.”

For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out
I’m just a link in your chain

You got me where you want me
I ain’t nothin’ but your fool
Ya treated me mean
Oh you treated me cruel

Chain, chain, chain
(Chain, chain, chain)
Chain of fools

Every chain, has got a weak link
I might be weak yeah
But I’ll give you strength

Oh, hey
Chain, chain, chain
(Chain, chain, chain)
Chain of fools

Here we find a woman calling herself a fool because she sees herself attached to a man who treats her cruel. I wonder how I would react to a woman telling me a similar story. I guess I would not rush into giving her any advice, but rather, give her some time to be with her emotional experience while I listened in a caring, empathic manner.

As we discussed in an earlier post titled “To Listen, Or To Criticize,” we often jump too quickly into providing advice. If you would like your listening skills to be respected, it helps to summarize, every few minutes, what is being said in a caring manner, thus reassuring the person talking to you that you are indeed listening and accurately hearing what is going on.

After perhaps fifteen minutes or so of listening and summarizing, I would continue to listen, but I might begin to start asking, as gently as possible, a few clarifying questions. I often use the DIG Conflict Model to come up with my questions. The letters of the word “DIG” would remind me to ask about what she “desires” in this situation, what is “interfering” with her desire, and if she feels she is “guilty” of doing something wrong. I would gently encourage her to be as specific as she could be. A statement like, I’m guilty of being a fool” is way too vague to be helpful in coming up with any practical plan. “I’m guilty of not going out to social events on Friday evenings so I can find a loving relationship with a man who would treat me with respect,” fits better with my image of being specific.

Aretha Franklin’s song continues with these words:

One of these mornings
The chain is gonna break
But up until the day
I’m gonna take all I can take, oh hey

Chain, chain, chain
(Chain, chain, chain)
Chain of fools

We see a glimmer of hope in these words. That weak link in the chain is not completely unbreakable. I think that at some point in my relationship with a woman dealing with this type of concern, I might ask what she thinks she might do if the chain would indeed break. My overall goal at this point in the relationship would be to focus not so much on what is wrong with what is happening in her life, but what she could specifically do to improve her situation.

Further On In the Show

A little later in Bob’s show, he introduces another song:

Hank Snow

Everyone plays the fool sometime. Hank Snow knew that. We talk about Hank an awful lot [on my show], and he was one of the biggest voices in country music from 1951 and 1955. He had a remarkable number of top ten hits. This is from the tail end of that streak, in 1955–“Now And Then There Is A Fool Such As I.”

Here are some of the lyrics:

Pardon me, if I’m sentimental
When we say goodbye.
Don’t be angry with me should I cry.
When you’re gone, yet I’ll dream
A little dream as years go by.

Now and then there’s a fool such as I.

…

And now you say that we are through.
I’m a fool, but I’ll love you dear
Until the day I die.
Now and then there’s a fool such as I.

Like the Aretha Franklin song, this Hank Snow song is about someone in love who is feeling like a fool. As it turns out, almost all of the songs Bob plays over the course of his hour show is about love and someone feeling like a fool. But they differ nevertheless. In the first two songs we find out about two people who are calling themselves fools, but the first one is about a woman who feels she’s a fool for staying connected with a man even though he treats her bad. The second song is about a man who feels foolish for continuing to love a woman even after she said they are through.

In other songs that Dylan plays during his show, a singer is trying to convince her parents that she’s no fool for loving a man that they think is less than ideal. Then there’s one about a man who is trying to convince a woman that she’s a fool for not loving him despite all that he has to offer.

One of the highlights of Bob’s show is a little audio clip of Humphrey Bogart, as Sam Spade, confronting Mary Astor as the femme fatale, Brigid, in the classic film noir, The Maltese Falcon.

Brigid, desperately: You’ve been playing with me, just pretending to trap me like this. You didn’t care at all. You don’t love me.

Spade: I won’t play the sap for you.

Brigid: You know it’s not like that! You can’t say that!

Spade: You haven’t played straight with me for half hour at a stretch since I’ve known you.

Brigid: You know down deep in your heart that in spite of everything I’ve done, I love you.

Spade: I don’t care who loves who, I won’t play the sap for you. You killed Miles and you’re going over for it.

As you can see, even when used in the context of love difficulties, the word, “fool,” or its related terms, are used to refer to quite a variety of different circumstances.

As we leave the love arena, we see that the term is used in even a wider set of circumstances. Thus, Bob tells us about the enormously talented singer, Frankie Lymon, who died way too early with a heroin syringe by his side. As another example, he tells us about a couple of football games:

Every field has its fools, and the biggest mistakes are made on the football field. For example, Roy Unsway Regales played for the University of California, and in the 1929 Rose Bowl Game, he got turned around and ran 65 yards in the wrong direction.

Jim, upon realizing his mistake.

That’s nothing compared to Jim Marshal who played for the Minnesota Vikings. On October 25, 1964 the Vikings were playing against the San Francisco 49ers. Marshal recovered a fumble and ran 66 yards in the wrong direction into his own end zone. He was so excited he threw down the ball in celebration. The ball landed out of bounds, resulting in a safety for the 49ers. Fortunately for him, the Vikings won the game anyway, 27 to 22, and I was there that day. Strange but true.

We All Sometimes Play the Fool

Throughout the show, Bob reminds us repeatedly that everyone plays the fool sometime. He does it in a variety of ways. Thus, before playing the song, “Three Times a Fool,” Bob tells us “It wouldn’t be bad if you were just a fool once a year, but all of us are fools on more than one occasion.”

A little later, he says:

We’re talking about fools of all stripes here on Theme Time Radio Hour. As Jean Brown once said, “Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.”

And still a little later, Bob gives us some quotes from Shakespeare and Twain on the subject of fools.

Shakespeare looking a little foolish in his outfit.

Shakespeare spoke quite often about fools. For example, in A Midsummers Night Dream he said, Lord, what fools these mortals be? Twelfth Night gave us the following line, Foolery, Sir, does walk about the orb like the sun. It shines everywhere. And From As You Like it, The more pity that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly.

Shakespeare, hell of a cat.

…

As Mark Twain says,”The first of April is the day we remember who we are the other 364 days of the year.

And so when people call us a fool, perhaps we may find that the sting of the comment is lessened if we keep in mind that no doubt these name callers have had their share of playing the fool on plenty of occasions. And when, out of old habits, we find ourselves calling either ourselves, or someone else a fool, perhaps a little sympathy with the human condition is in order.

Tags conflict management, criticism, fools, insults, name calling, negative criticism, respect, types of criticism

Bob Dylan conflict resolution crazy criticism DSM insults madness meditation mental disorders Mental Illness Name calling negative criticism psychiatry psychopathology The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

Bob Dylan on Madness

As some of you may know, Bob Dylan has a show called “Theme Time Radio Hour.” As the title suggests, each episode is centered on a theme. He begins his episode on madness as follows:

“Let me ask you a few questions, friends. Are you disinterested in work or family life? Do you suffer from sleep disruption? Have you had significant changes in appetite? Have you had paranoid thoughts? Thoughts of grandeur or invincibility? Any feelings of persistent anxiety or perhaps panic attacks? Are you hearing voices or seeing people who are not there? Do you have thoughts of dying? Do you exhibit strong or violent anger? Do you have the inability to pursue a normal life, normal activities or normal relationships? Well, I’m no doctor, but perhaps you’re mad as a hatter; crazy as a loon. Have you lost your morals? Are your bats in the belfry? Maybe you’re nutty as a fruitcake? Crazy as a coot? Taxed in the head? Bunkers? Bananas? Deranged? Are you crackers or daffy? Unhinged or loco? Not all there or all around the bend? Maybe you’re cuckoo or buggy or simply non compos mentis? Do you talk to yourself? Do you ever binge out on food? Do you swing suddenly from one mood to another? Do vague acquaintances treat you as though they know you far better than you would expect?

Allan Ginsberg

“Allan Ginsberg once said that he had seen the best minds of his generation destroyed by madness. Now for the next hour we’ll be providing the sound track. We’re going to look at madness, insanity, and craziness.”

Introducing his theme in this way may seem like quite a mouthful for Bob, but he manages to carry it off rather well. There is deep, dungeon-like music in the background, and he varies his voice in a manner that is full of concern and dramatic interest. Besides, if you think Bob’s description of his theme is lengthy, take a gander at the latest American Psychiatric Association’s description of a related topic. In its book titled Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, over 900 pages are consumed describing various “mental disorders.”

The theme of “madness” is relevant to this blog’s theme because when people seek to insult others, we commonly hear words like, “You’re mad,” “You’re crazy,” “You have a mental disorder,” and “You’re mentally ill.” Negative consequences often flow from such name calling. Individuals flinging these efforts to insult often become less respected by those who are their targets. Those who are their targets sometimes end up having less respect for themselves. From here, conflicts can escalate, leading to losing friends, problems at work, and even violence.

Dylan’s First Madness Song

Bob introduces the first song for his show on madness as follows:

“If craziness was a country, this would be the national anthem. Here’s Patsy Cline in a little number written by Willie Nelson–“Crazy.”

Patsy’s beautiful voice, accompanied by gentle piano riffs, drifts into its melancholy words–“I’m crazy, I’m crazy, for being so lonely. I’m crazy, I’m crazy for being so blue.”

The song goes on from here to weave the sad story of a woman calling herself crazy for loving a man whom she knows will soon be leaving her. She feels she’s crazy for worrying when he’ll leave, and crazy for trying, and crazy for crying, and crazy for loving this man.

Here we learn of just one type of experience that falls under the enormous umbrella of madness.

Connecting Madness With Genius

As the song phases out, Bob begins to tell us that according to Aristotle, “No excellent mind is without a tincture of madness,” a position with which Bob heartily agrees. He declares that “There is a thin line between genius and madness.” Defending this, he introduces us to several individuals who had been declared mad by some, and yet achieved at impressive levels in many valued fields. Thus, he tells us about the brilliant writer, Ernest Hemingway:

Earnest Hemingway

“Ernest Hemingway, for example, was convinced that people were out to assassinate him. His wife, Mary, tricked him into a mental hospital by telling him it was to treat his high blood pressure. He got shock therapy and maybe a dozen other treatments. It didn’t help. It left him more paranoid, delusional and depressed. He was afraid that his wife would put him away again, which many people believe is what led him to take his own life with a shotgun in July of ’61.”

Bob then tells us about the great jazz musician, Charlie Mingus:

Charlie Mingus

“Charlie Mingus spent some time away, although he later claimed he only had gone in to get papers declaring he was incompetent to get out of a contract with the gangster, Joey Gallo. Whatever the reason, he spent some time in Bellevue and was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.”

After this, Bob tells us the story of two more jazz greats–Bud Powell and Charlie Parker. Both at times were troubled by demons.

Then there was a comic writer:

One man that was no stranger to madness was Bill Gates. He was the editor of E. C. Comics. He had a series of horror comics in the ’50s, but then he was targeted by the government who said that his comics were ruining the morals of America’s young people. He was supposed to water down all of his books. He had one humor comic he called “Mad.” He changed it to a magazine so it wouldn’t be subjected to the comics’ code of authority. It became a huge hit and generations of kids got their first lessons on comedy from the usual gang of idiots that he assembled. He never sold advertising in the magazine while he was alive and there were no sacred cows. Bill Gates, madman of free speech.”

Bob soon moves on to the story of a hell of a fine baseball player:

“One guy that was accused of cracking up was Jimmy Piersall. He became a professional baseball player at 18, signing with the Boston Red Sox in ’48. On May 24, 1952, just before the game against the New York Yankees, he got into a fist fight with Yankee infielder, Billy Martin. After that, he scuffled with his teammate, Mickey McDermott. The final straw came when Jimmy Piersall spanked the four-year old son of his teammate, Burnt Stevens during a game in the Red Sox clubhouse. The four-year old had tried to tweek his nose and poured lemonade down his shirt. You can see Jimmy’s position–Boy, you need a spanking. There were a number of incidences like this and he was sent down to the minor leagues. He got into a lot of trouble down in the minor leagues, and spent some time in the West Borough State Hospital. He was diagnosed with manic depression, but he still returned to baseball by the opening of the ’53 season. And get this, he finished ninth in the voting for the MVP award, and the next year he was the Sox’s regular center fielder.”

Feeling That We Are Crazy Is A Common Experience

In addition to describing these individuals who were thought to be mad by some and yet achieved greatness in various valued arenas, Bob provides diverse examples of regular Joes and Jills who displayed behaviors that were viewed as crazy by either themselves or others. These examples touch a chord in the listener because they illustrate experiences that are pretty close to what we have all experienced at different points in our lives.

Thus, the show’s take away lesson, as I see it, is that if you catch yourself calling yourself names such as “crazy” note that many of the most talented people have had similar experiences. Note, as well, that such criticism is too vague to be helpful. Learn to become more aware of these thoughts, to stand back and simply observe them passing through your mind–“Oh, there I go again calling myself mad.’ In time, you will come to a point at which you will formulate some more specific approach to make improvements in your life. The practice of meditation can help you to learn this skill.

If you are tempted to call someone else these types of names, remember that such names are way too vague, encompassing thousands of unusual and usual experiences. For criticism to be truly helpful, it is usually best to craft a statement that avoids name calling and statements about what someone did wrong, and instead provides specific suggestions for what the target of the criticism can do to improve. If you can not come up with such a statement right away, perhaps it would be best to delay the criticism until you have some time for your creative impulses to come up with something better than “You’re a crazy, mentally ill fool!”

Although these are my take away lessons for today’s post, let’s end with how the more poetic Bob Dylan ends his madness show:

“Time flies when you’re talking crazy, and we gotta get out of here. But before we do I want to leave you with the words of the man who is the voice of the barroom, poet of the gutter, and Shakespeare of the alleyway. Here’s a poem by Charles Bukowski called “Some People.”

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they’ll find me there.
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I’ll rise with a roar,
rant, rage –
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I’ll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.”

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Bob Dylan, conflict management, conflict resolution, criticism, insults, intrapersonal conflicts, madness, mental disorders, name calling, respect

conflict resolution Listening skills silent treatment

To Listen, Or To Criticize?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 21, 2015
2 Comments on To Listen, Or To Criticize?

In the above Sally Forth comic strip, we learn from Ted that Sally had a fight with her sister. By the third panel, Ted begins to criticize Sally, saying she is coming off like a robot, and then he expresses his view that she had been kind of dismissive of her sister’s news about becoming engaged. In the last panel, I get the feeling that Sally really isn’t in a state to listen to Ted’s criticism. And yet, Ted tries to push Sally to address his criticism.

The next day’s comic strip moves the story further along.

Here we see that Ted has come to understand that he would have been better off skipping the criticism that he had provided to Sally. Listening, he believes, would have been a better thing to do.

Now we see Sally confiding to a friend about how she feels about Ted’s criticism. We also learn that since Ted criticized her, she has not been talking to him.

Using this series of Sally Forth comics, today we will work on three key tasks:

1. Consider when it makes more sense for Ted to listen, rather than to criticize.

2. Examine what Sally could have done that might have been better than giving Ted the silent treatment.

3. Examine some essential listening skills for those times when we believe it is better to listen, rather than to criticize.

Before we move on to these key tasks, let’s move the Sally Forth story a few days further along.

Here we learn that Ted had begun to criticize Sally immediately after Sally’s fight with her sister. That’s a crucial point that will soon be woven into our various discussions.

Three Assessment Strategies to Decide Whether to Critique or to Listen

Here, I’d like to suggest three assessment strategies to help with the decision to critique or to listen.

1. Assess when the quarrel occurred. If the quarrel has occurred very recently, it’s usually best to go with listening. Trying to present a reasoned critique shortly after a heated quarrel makes little sense because it is extra hard for people to reason carefully when they are very frustrated and angry. By listening in a caring way you can play a huge part in helping the person to return to a state in which reasoning abilities are at their peek.

2. Assess whether it is crucial to share your critique immediately. I think you will find that in most situations your critique can wait a day, two days, or even a week. However, in some cases a conflict may require some immediate action and you may believe your critique is so crucial for making a wise choice, that pushing your critique to the fore makes sense.

3. Even if Ted had waited a reasonable period of time and had been making himself available to listen to Sally, before diving into his critique, it would still be a good idea for him to ask the following types of questions. “Sally, I have some time now, do you want to talk more about what’s been happening between you and your sister?” If Sally says yes, Ted would say something like, “So far, Sally, I’ve been mainly listening as you talked about what happened. I’m wondering if you think you’re ready to hear some ideas that I’ve been thinking about that might be helpful, or would you prefer me to stay in a listening mode?” After asking this question, Ted would assess how Sally replies. Even if she says she wants to hear his ideas, if her voice appears tense, or there is a tense expression on her face, he might be wise to tread lightly on anything that Sally might find too sensitive. Additionally, he might reasonably switch back into a listening mode if she appears to turn angry at something that he says.

Now, so far, I have been discussing what Ted could have done better to address Sally’s concerns. Now let’s take a couple of minutes to discuss what Sally could have done better.

The Silent Treatment Versus Assertiveness

In the Sally Forth story, Sally, turning angry at Ted, decides to give him the silent treatment. I’m wondering if there might be a better way for her to have handled this type of situation.

My wife, Andrea, is very assertive when it comes to these types of situations. If I begin to express my views before she is ready to hear them, she just gives me a clear signal to back off, and I respect her wishes. Maybe Sally could have said to Ted when he began to provide his critique immediately after her argument with her sister, “I see you want to critique what happened, Ted, but I prefer that you just go into a listening mode for now.”

If Sally, when she has returned to a calmer state, agrees that this assertive approach makes more sense than ending up giving Ted the silent treatment, she can practice doing this in her mind at least three times. These practice sessions are simple and involve closing her eyes and imagining how she felt right after her fight with her sister, then recalling how Ted began to criticize her action, and then imagining herself being assertive to Ted. By practicing this a few times, especially if she does this over the course of a few days, there is an excellent chance she will have no difficulty using the assertive approach the next time a similar situation arises.

Now, let’s once again turn our attention to what Ted could do in this situation. Both he and Sally agree that it would have been better for him to have gone into the listening mode, rather than the critiquing mode. But doing good listening doesn’t mean simply keeping your mouth shut while the other party talks. There is a real art to listening. In the next section, I’m going to present the three most helpful things to do while listening.

Three Helpful Things to Do While Listening

When Ted goes into his listening mode, there are a few things that he can do to make his listening more effective. First, every minute or two, he could briefly summarize what she had just said. This would assure Sally that Ted is paying attention. You can learn more about how this is done by looking up the topic, reflective listening. Second, if Sally turns sad about something she is discussing, Ted could express sadness on his face as well, look into Sally’s eyes, and softly touch Sally’s shoulder. This is called empathic listening. Finally, Ted could learn how to validate Sally’s feelings. For example, Sally says to Ted, “Every time I hear my sister has made some awful mistake, I feel awful inside.” Ted can validate Sally’s feeling by saying something like, “I know what you mean, I feel like that when my brother makes an awful mistake.” When someone validates a person’s experience in this way, it helps to communicate a connection between the speaker and the listener.

Okay, so there are some ideas to think about when considering whether to listen or to criticize. I hope you find within this post some food for thought. My Best, Jeff

Tags anger, conflict management, conflict resolution, criticism, critique, dispute management, Listening skills, negative criticism, respect, Sally Forth, Sally Forth comics, silent treatment