Tag: bullying

THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 1, 2013
7 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

On this blog I often discuss mature ways to handle situations in which we feel that we are being insulted (see for example, RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY).

Many people after reading several of these posts find that situations that previously gave them difficulty can now be handled with great confidence. As a result, they find that people have begun to treat them with an increased level of respect.

Although this is a major step in the right direction, some find that although they can apply the skills discussed in this blog with people whom they perceive as having either equal or less power over them, when they face people whom they perceive as having more power, they suddenly lose their nerve.

They end up remaining silent on the outside and quivering on the inside. Or they get defensive and find themselves overreacting to some innocent comment. What can be done to help people to deal better with these types of situations?

When people learn the ABCs of power, they come to realize that they have far more power than they ever thought they had. And once they come to realize this, they enter into many more types of situations in which they previously felt powerless with a level of confidence that commands respect.

It is for this reason that we have begun to construct a list of sources of power. The list is arranged in alphabetical order. So far we have introduced the source of power that begins with the letter “A” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “A”) and the source of power that begins with the letter “B” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “B”). Today, we turn our attention to the letter “C.”

C is for Coalition

A coalition occurs when two or more people form an alliance to better achieve a goal.

In this Peanuts comic, the simplest example of forming a coalition is illustrated. Sally believes she can better achieve her goal of doing well in school if she can get Charlie Brown to help her. She requests Charlie’s assistance in her own sweet style and within a matter of moments he has agreed.

It is oftentimes amazing that just by asking people for help on a project how often some people will agree.

If you are having difficulty coming up with a way to achieve one of your desires, consider asking yourself, “Is there a way I can form a coalition with one or more people so that I can achieve the desire?”

Some Examples of Utilizing the “Coalition” Source of Power

As an example, let’s say Charlie Brown sometimes feels lonely and some people begin to tease him about having no friends.

At first, he feels he is helpless to do anything about this. He becomes alienated at life, and when he has insults thrown at him about this, he begins to imagine getting revenge. But then he begins to learn how coalitions can increase his power.

Because Charlie Brown likes to play baseball, he decides to invite people he knows to play on his team. Before long, he gets the neighborhood kids together to participate on a team he manages. As a result, Charlie Brown becomes less lonely and he gets to play more baseball.

When you form a coalition, you may still get criticized. If you learn the skills taught on this blog to handle criticism, your coalition may lead to more positives than negatives.

At least with a coalition you get to decide if the criticism that you have to deal with is worth being part of the group or not. Having some choice can often be better then having none at all.

In our example, although Charlie Brown’s managerial skills are often criticized, there is no one who seems to want to replace him as the manager. The kids have been showing up and participating in a shared activity, and he is thus less lonely than he would be if he were sitting home all alone. In the end, Charlie Brown feels his use of the source of power known as “coalitions” was a great benefit to him.

Consider another example:

In my novel, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, Steve Marino is one of the main characters. As he is growing up, Steve observes how his father uses his fists to try to bully people into doing what he wants. Eventually, Steve’s dad ends up in prison.

At one point, a friend asks Steve whom he respects most in this world:

“My Uncle Ricky.”

“How come?”

“I guess it’s because instead of trying to beat you up to get you to do something, he has a way of doing fun things with you and forming bonds like that. He used to take me to Yankee games and hit fly balls to me, and man, whenever he asked me to do something, I’d do it in an instant—not because I was afraid of him, but because I loved him.

“My Uncle Ricky has a group of friends who call themselves the Brooklyn Barons. He goes bowling with them and they play softball also. Doing these things together somehow made a bond between these guys, and if any one of them needs help all they need to do is ask and the rest of the guys are there in a split second. These guys aren’t congressmen or people well connected, just regular Joes. But, when Uncle Ricky let out word I needed a job on the docks after school, they went and figured out how to arrange it. And whenever Uncle Ricky needs help loading some wood on his truck, he has all the help he can use. They do it because they want to. I like that. My Uncle Ricky, he’s just a good guy.”

There are several ways to go about forming a coalition. One of the easiest ways is to join a group that already exists. We discussed earlier how advancing skills can increase your power. Many groups currently exist for people who have an interest in one particular set of skills. If a particular sport is the skill you have been developing, you can call the local “Y” and ask if there are teams forming for the sport you are interested in.

Coed volleyball teams are a great way to meet people. Oftentimes, after a game someone begins to ask if any of the players want to get some pizza or have a drink. In this way people begin to bond with one another.

The local “Art Council” oftentimes has information about groups that have been formed around a particular art. I know people who, over the years, have treasured their quilting club or pottery classes.

Joining a volunteer group is a particularly wise way to increase your power. Members of the community tend to increase their respect for people who help out in this way. Moreover, people who join such groups are oftentimes, by nature, individuals who like to help others.

When you join a group, it’s probably not a great idea to immediately begin to ask for members to help you out. Take a few weeks to be helpful to others and to give the natural process of forming bonds time to develop. After a month or two, when you do need some assistance, make your request in a manner consistent with encouraging caring. For example, you might say something like, “I’m having a problem with my landlord. I’m hoping that some of you might be willing for me to describe it and then let me know if you have any ideas about what I can do about it. I know all of you are really busy and if you don’t have the time for this, I’ll understand.” Then you would wait to see if you get one or more volunteers. For those who don’t volunteer, it is crucial to remain supportive.

On the internet, there are a host of groups that have been formed with the purpose of achieving a common goal. Meetup.com and websites like it include national groups and tons of local ones as well. You type in your area code and a list of the meet-up groups in your area come up. You can also search by activity.

Sometimes the groups in your area do not deal with the exact thing you are interested in. You can still meet with one that comes closest, take some time to get to know the people, and then propose setting up another group that addresses more directly your specific interest.

Belonging to a group fulfills a basic need of people for social interaction. If you learn to utilize this basic need, you will find that in addition to increasing your own personal power, great rewards come from helping others to increase their personal power.

Remember that power is the skill to achieve your desires. When you learn to use the source of power known as “coalitions,” you will find that you will become far better at achieving many of your desires. When you come to recognize this, you will find that your confidence has increased. Then, if someone attempts to insult you, you will feel less threatened. This will allow you to keep your cool and to respond in a wise manner.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags ABCs of Power, anger, bullying, coalitions, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, insults, maturity, maturity levels, respect, wisdom

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DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 23, 2013
3 Comments on DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

One major situation in which people end up feeling insulted is when someone provides negative criticism.

Rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism in a warm, friendly and helpful manner.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring. If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism. Today’s lesson will help all of us learn to recognize very quickly when some of the more subtle forms of criticism occur.

WHAT IS CRITICISM?

A Dictionary’s Definition of Criticism

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

My Definition of Criticism

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the word negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations. Today’s blog post will focus on negative criticism.

Direct and Implied Forms of Negative Criticism

Some forms of negative criticism are fairly obvious.

When individuals indicate that they don’t like something, they are clearly providing a negative evaluative statement. These types of evaluative statements are forms of direct negative criticism.

When the word “dislike” is used describing one’s reaction to something, it clearly indicates to us that a direct form of negative criticism has occurred. There are several other words that are so clearly associated with “disliking” that they also signal a direct, obvious form of negative criticism has occurred. The words “bad,” “ugly,” “nasty,” “rotten,” “ridiculous,” “stupid, ”or any other adjective that is generally understood to be not liked, indicate direct, obvious, negative criticism has occurred.

In the above Dilbert comic, none of the characters actually use any form of the word “dislike,” but in the last frame, it’s pretty clear that referring to Alice’s plan as “lame” is a form of negative criticism.

Some forms of criticism are not quite as obvious as the direct kind.

In the above comic’s last panel, Dilbert provides positive criticism to Wally while, at the same time, provides indirect or implied criticism to the woman. In the first panel of the comic, Dilbert hadn’t realized he had provided any negative criticism to the woman and only discovers this clearly by the second frame. This comic illustrates that sometimes we provide indirect negative criticism without realizing it. Under some sets of circumstances, this can lead to unintended problems. It is therefore wise to learn to better recognize negative criticism in all of its guises. Three forms of indirect criticism that often go unrecognized as negative criticism are making a request, making a suggestion, and providing levity.

Making a Request

A request is a type of criticism that is not always recognized as criticism. If I request that you change your shirt before we go out, I’m implying that I think that there is something wrong with it. Thus, it implies negative criticism. If I request that you join me for dinner and a show, it implies that I would like to spend an evening with you. Thus, it implies positive criticism.

To get a better sense of this type of implied criticism, consider a scenario in which a dad, mom, and son are preparing for supper. The son’s dinner job is to set the table. Noticing the butter container is almost empty, he decides to take out a new container and place it on the table alongside the almost empty one.

After everyone sits down to have a pleasant meal, the dad, while buttering his bread, finishes the old container. Not noticing the new container is easily within his reach, he says to his son, “Do you mind getting a fresh container out from the refrigerator? I just finished this one.”

Now let’s say that his son responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “A fresh container is right here, Dad.” The dad glances at the new container of butter, nods his head at his son, thus indicating he recognizes his son is correct, and the family then continues on with the conversation.

Most people will not see the dad’s request containing any criticism of his son. The dad is criticizing the table’s condition; that is, he evaluated the condition of the table, and found that it was missing a sufficient amount of butter. Under this set of circumstance, if the dad did not view this as an example of criticism, in all likelihood it’d be no big deal.

But consider a slightly different scenario. This time the dad, in requesting that his son get out a fresh container, although using the exact same words as the first scenario, now has a slight tone of annoyance in his voice? His son interprets this as meaning that his dad thinks he should have anticipated that the almost empty butter container would not be enough for tonight’s dinner, and therefore he should have taken out, along with the old container, a new container. The son, therefore experiences his dad’s slight tone of annoyance as criticism, not just of the table’s lack of butter, but of something he has done. The son replies using the exact same words as he used in the first scenario. However, when he says,—“A fresh container is right here, Dad,”— draws out the word “Dad” to, “D-a-a-d.” And, instead of a matter-of-fact tone, we notice just a hint of straining in his vocal cords. With these two slight changes, the son more clearly indicates that he is becoming defensive and is now criticizing his dad for not noticing the new butter container. At this point, the dad shouts, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!” All of a sudden, the table blows up in an argument.

As I noted earlier, we would do well to learn to recognize all forms of criticism because there are a variety of effective techniques to draw upon, all specifically designed to address conflicts that involve criticism. It is for this reason that the skill to identify indirect, less obvious, forms of criticism can be helpful. To that end, let’s take a look at another type of criticism that often goes unrecognized as criticism.

Suggestions

As with requests, often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion.

Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her back yard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for you coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” exclaims Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Apparently Katrina has a different definition of a suggestion than I do. Given that we have defined “criticism” as evaluating, Katrina, as she provided her suggestion, also provided criticism. She looked over to the plants, evaluated where they were and what shape they were in, and then presented her judgment to Betty.

On this blog, when I use the word “suggestion” in a description of some scenario, it always indicates that the person to whom the suggestion is made is being criticized.

Levity

Tom Greening writes charmingly provocative poems (see for example his wonderful book titled, Words Against the Void). Recently there was an exchange on the internet among a group of folks who are interested in promoting peace in the world. At one point, Tom sent out the following email:

To Milt,
I’m sorry, but I have sold out.
The money and prestige were too hard to resist.
=======================
KILL

A really cool way to have fun
is solving problems with a gun.
Our government has shown the way
and slaughters bad guys ev’ry day.
It’s patriotic, brave and easy,
so don’t be cowardly or queasy.
There is no reason you should wait
to kill the enemies you hate.
A lot of evil folks must die—
don’t waste your time by asking why.

Tom Greening

Now, at one point there was a discussion about whether this was a type of criticism, or was it levity. Sandra Rafman’s comment on this issue eloquently captured my own view. She wrote:

Intrinsic to its humour, Tom Greening’s poetry is implicitly and/or explicitly critical and gives us a critical perspective on important contemporary issues. He also gently invites us to be self-critical. He reminds me to not take myself too seriously but not to not take important issues seriously, Thanks Tom.
Sandra Rafman, Ph.D.
Professeure honoraire
Université du Québec à Montréal
Senior Psychologist
McGill University Health Centre-Montreal Children’s Hospital

Okay! This concludes the introduction to the notion of direct and implied forms of criticism. Whenever requests, suggestions, and providing levity come up in intrapersonal and interpersonal situations, I am suggesting here that you learn to flash a red light in your mind signaling you to stop and to start considering some of the options we have been discussing in this blog.

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Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, criticism, Dilbert comics, disrespectful, insults, Luann comics, name calling, negative criticism, Peanuts comics, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, violence, wisdom

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DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 27, 2013
4 Comments on DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

In my previous post, I offered some suggestions for dealing with criticism. There, I mentioned that in difficult situations I have found it helpful before providing criticism to pause. Because people want to be liked and to be free to make their own decisions, during my pause I think about how to minimize any perceived threat to these two desires.

To practice this skill, I then presented the following Dennis The Menace comic strip:

In my previous post, I pointed out that Gina, the socially clever girl in the comic, noticing a conflict has popped up in her neighborhood, helps out by letting Dennis know how much he is loved at home. I also mentioned that while criticizing Dennis about his room, his mom could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By letting Dennis know that she loves him and then giving him a choice, Dennis’s mom could have come off as more loving and less bossy.

A master at dealing with criticism must become highly skilled at addressing concerns about the desire to be loved and to maintain freedom. For this reason, we will be going over many examples of how to address these concerns in coming weeks. As for today, let’s dig a little deeper into the situation illustrated in the above comic.

Digging Deeper

Please take an especially good look at the following panels from the above comic:

It appears to me that Dennis has a conflict with his mother about her desire that he pick up his room. Judging from the expression on Dennis’s mom and dad, they seem to be turning angry over Dennis’s response.

When this type of situation happens in Dennis The Menace comic strips, his parents usually end up responding by making Dennis sit in a corner.

Other parents in this type of situation feel that Dennis should be told that he should not answer back, and that he should be forced to do what he is told to do. If Dennis does not comply, such parents believe Dennis’s parents should beat some sense into him. This type of parenting has been referred to as an authoritarian approach. Critics of an authoritarian approach say that it leads sons and daughters to feel like they are pawns rather than origins.

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings. This leads to resentment and recurring conflicts. We get a sense of this resentment in the following comic:

Notice the angry expression on Dennis’s face and his hands balled up into fists.

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating my behavior. We say that when people feel this way they feel like an origin. Parents who help their children to feel like origins, instead of using an authoritarian style of leadership, use an authoritative style of leadership. When we become skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism and to resolve conflicts, we become authoritative leaders.

So, if Dennis’s parents, Henry and Alice, were skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model, what might that look like?

First, They Would Summarize and Delay.

Henry, realizing that he and Alice have become angry at Dennis’s comment, would very quickly respectfully summarize Dennis’s perspective (See blog post titled Summarize and Delay for a complete description of this approach).

To do this, Henry uses the word DIG to remind him to dig for what Dennis desires in this situation, what Dennis views as interfering with his desire, and what Dennis thinks his mother is guilty of doing wrong. Because he is so well-practiced at this, even though he is angry, Henry does this rather easily.

“Dennis,” says Henry, I think I understand how you are feeling. It looks to me like you desire that Mom will stop telling you to pick up your room. You feel she is interfering with this desire when she tells you that you have to do it. You feel she is guilty of treating you unfairly because I pay her to pick up your room. Is that right?”

“That’s right,” Dennis replies, “you pay her to clean up, and it’s not fair that she wants me to do it!”

“Okay, Dennis,” I understand. “Your Mom and I are always interested in what you have to say. We’re going to think about this for a little while, and then Mom and I will discuss this with you some more.”

During this calming-down period, Dennis is not pressured to pick up his room. The topic is dropped.

Second, They Are a Wise Friend to Their Angry Self.

As Henry and Alice leave Dennis, they keep in mind that their angry self does not have to seek to suppress any anger to reach a state of relative calm (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF). They are confident this will occur naturally without any effort at all. They just listen to what is going on inside of themselves in a caring manner, just like a good friend would, and they are confident that their calm will return.

Now, as Alice and Henry go through this calming period, they notice their angry selves chattering away, saying things like, “That Dennis is acting like an idiot! He is a stupid jerk for making me angry.” Other derogatory statements about the source of their anger come to mind. They realize this is just part of the anger process.

At such times, they simply observe their angry self in a nonjudgmental manner as this is happening. They are as kind to their angry selves as they can be throughout this process—just like a good, compassionate friend would.

Third, After They Calm Down They Map out a Plan.

Once they are in a state of relative calm, Henry and Alice begin to respond to the conditions that led to anger in a more reasonable manner. They calmly discuss the issue with each other, and Alice calls a couple of friends whom she respects to get their take on how this situation can best be handled. Soon they feel comfortable with a plan that they have created.

Fourth, They Carry Out the Plan.

Alice and Henry call Dennis in for a discussion and quickly summarize for him what had happened. Then Alice says, “Dennis, from what happened, I can see that you are starting to get some ideas about Dad giving me money and what I have to do for it. That’s good. Let me explain a little more about how this works.

“When Dad goes to work, he does some things for his boss, and his boss does some things in return for Dad. One thing the boss does is pay Dad some money for the work that Dad does for him. At home, I do some things for Dad, and he, in return, does some things for me. For example, I cook dinner most of the time and wash the dishes. In return, Dad gives me some money, and sometimes he goes to the store to pick up some things I need, or he goes with me to a party. So, you see how it works, Dad does some things for me, and in return, I do things for him.

“Now, your Dad and I do lots of things for you, so it seems to us that it’s only fair that you do some things for us. Here’s some things that Dad and I do for you–we make you meals, we wash your dishes, we take you to parties, we buy you toys, and do lots of other things for you. What do you do in return for us?”

“I go to school,” says Dennis.

“Dennis,” says Henry, “we don’t think that when you go to school it is for us. When you go to school, that helps you to learn to read, count, and stuff like that. Mom and I do things for you. What do you do for us in return?”

After thinking about this, Dennis appears stuck.

“One thing I want you to do for us,” says Alice, “is to pick up your room when I ask you to do it. When it gets messy in your room, I can trip and hurt myself, or I might step on something and break it. I also like the way it looks when the room is all picked up. When I ask you to pick up your room, you don’t have to do it right away if you feel you are busy with something else, but after I ask you, before the end of the day, I want it picked up. Is that fair?”

“I guess so, Mom,” Dennis replies.

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Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, negative criticism, parenting, respect, wisdom

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INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 1, 2013
4 Comments on INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

A few weeks ago I published a post titled CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN. Today, let’s quickly review the ideas presented there, and then move on to discuss a few more.

Review

When one person has a conflict with another person, we call this an interpersonal conflict. An intrapersonal conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

When we describe a conflict using the DIG Conflict Model, the letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and finally, the GUILT. Earlier, we looked at the following example of an intrapersonal conflict:

When we looked earlier at this example, I provided the following tentative description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

It would be simpler to describe this conflict by saying:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this simpler description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future. This skill will help us to prevent similar conflicts from recurring over and over again.

Okay, so there’s our summary in what was presented the last time we discussed intrapersonal conflicts. Let’s now move on to some more advanced ideas.

Advanced Lesson

Whenever we have a conflict with ourselves, we oftentimes present to ourselves some negative criticism. In the above three panels of the Charlie Brown comic, Charlie Brown indicates he has evaluated how he treated his sister and he makes it clear that he doesn’t like what he did. When we evaluate something and state we don’t like what we evaluated, we have provided negative criticism.

In an earlier blog, we looked at providing negative criticism during interpersonal conflicts. We saw that according to the DIG Conflict Model, there are five levels of maturity when it comes to providing negative criticism (see blog post titled, PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY). Level 1 is viewed as the most immature level, and level 2 is viewed as a bit more mature, and so on. Readers of this blog were encouraged to familiarize themselves with the five levels, and then to use them in the following way:

First, they learn to recognize that they are getting ready to provide somebody criticism.

Then they pause to think about how they are likely to provide the criticism.

Then, before they provide the negative criticism, they decide what level of maturity the criticism they are likely to give is at. If it is below level 4, they try to change the criticism so that it matches level 4, or even level 5.

In this example, the man is the employer of the woman who wrote a report. After looking it over, he sees he is likely to provide criticism in a style that would best match level 2, which states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Now, I understand that some of you might feel that the employer deserves a higher rating because he does explain what the offending behavior is when he says the report is stupid. But this just indicates in some vague way that he doesn’t like the report using the insulting word, “stupid.” In my opinion, his comment is not an adequate description of what he doesn’t like about the report to warrant a more mature rating.

Seeing that this type of criticism is a bit immature, the man’s job in this example would then be to try to come up with a form of criticism that matches one of the more mature levels. One of the more mature levels is level 4:

4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

In this example, by pausing and thinking about level 4, the man asks himself to describe his criticism in a clearer, more precise way than shouting “The report is stupid!” To help him to clarify his thoughts, he uses the word “DIG.” Thus, he says to himself that “I desire that in the future this woman who wrote this report will follow the directions that I give her and interfering with this desire is the fact that in this report she did not do so. I think she is guilty of ignoring my directions.”

Having slowed down so he can think about this, the man now decides that the best way to provide the criticism to the woman is to wait until he has managed to calm himself down enough so he can speak to her using a respectful tone of voice and without any insulting words. Then he will go over the first direction he had given to her and ask her to describe how she might have written the report so that he would have seen that the report writer is following his direction. If she is not sure how to respond, he could then explain more thoroughly what he wants when she attempts to follow this direction. After clarifying the first direction, he could go over in a similar way his second direction, and so forth.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only resolution to this employer’s conflict. For example, he could instead assign the best report writer in his company to mentor this employer. The mentor would review each of her reports before she hands them in, show her copies of high quality reports, and so on. The point is that this employer can improve the quality of his criticism by pausing before providing the criticism, thinking about how he is preparing to provide the criticism, comparing it to the five levels of providing negative criticism, and then seeking a way to change the criticism to something that matches a more mature level.

With intrapersonal conflicts we carry out a similar plan as we do with interpersonal conflicts.

Let’s return to our Charlie Brown example:

Here we see that even before first recognizing he is about to provide himself negative criticism, he has already done so. That’s not the end of the world. Many old habits are not easy to change quickly, and if you find yourself slipping into past styles of dealing with conflicts, you need not beat yourself up over this. There are better ways to helpfully carry on.

In our Charlie Brown example, even after having already provided negative criticism, he can still go through the steps we discussed for dealing with interpersonal conflicts. That is, he can first look at how he did criticize himself and then compare it to the five levels of providing criticism. Then, he can pick out which of the five levels best matches his response.

In my judgement, Charlie Brown’s response falls somewhere between level 2 and level 3.

Level 2 states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Charlie Brown, in this example does state what the offending behavior is. That is, he says, “I shouldn’t have yelled at her, she is only a baby.” But to match level 3 his response would have to look like this:

3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

Charlie Brown’s criticism of himself, in my opinion, is not quite clear enough to fully match level three. The fact that he repeatedly says he hates himself seems to be an example of insulting himself so that part of his criticism matches both level 2 and 3.

Once Charlie Brown figures out about what level his response had been, he could then see if he could come up with a response that better matches a more mature response, perhaps level 4, or even level 5.

Attempting to describe interpersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. Similarly, attempting to describe intrapersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. What would that look like? Here’s one way Charlie Brown can do this:

He tells himself,

I desire that I not yell at my baby sister, but the fact that I did has led me to guess that, interfering with my desire, I’m likely to continue yelling at her. I feel guilty for my actions.

Notice that there are no insults in this statement. This statement is an important step toward coming up with negative criticism that matches a level 4 or 5 response. Charlie Brown still must go on from here to come up with a plan that can help him to become less likely to yell at his baby sister. Next week we will begin to look at some plans to help him do just that.

Practice

For those of you who truly want to become a master at dealing with intrapersonal conflicts, I recommend that you now take the time to either print out the five levels of providing negative criticism (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY) or if you don’t have a printer, write them out in any way you can. Then, tape them to your refrigerator door. This week, each time you see them, try to recall some time that you provided negative criticism to yourself. Try to recall just what you said to yourself. Then, try to see what level best matched what you said to yourself, and if it is less than a 4 or 5 level, try to create a response that would match a higher level response. With this type of practice, you will soon see some real progress in your skills to deal effectively with intrapersonal conflicts.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism

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INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE CASE OF THE MAN SENTENCE TO JAIL FOR MOCKING DISABLED GIRL

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 1, 2012
6 Comments on INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE CASE OF THE MAN SENTENCE TO JAIL FOR MOCKING DISABLED GIRL

A while back I saw a YouTube video dealing with insults that made someone cry went viral. It is called, Bus Stop Ignorance.

In the video we see 43-year-old William Bailey taunting Hope Knight, a ten-year old girl with cerebral palsy. Hope uses crutches and Mr. Bailey, in the video, mocks the way she walks. He also gets his son to join him in the taunting.

According to ABC news, Mr. Bailey was caught on an iPod camera by Hope’s grandmother, Marie Prince, while she was picking up Hope at the school bus stop.

William Bailey “was dragging his leg and patting his arm across his chest to pick his son Joseph up,” said Hope’s dad. “I asked him to please stop doing this. ‘My daughter can see you.’ He then told his son to walk like the R-word.”

On Nov. 27, Judge John A. Poulos of the Canton Municipal Court sentenced Mr. Bailey to 29 days in jail.

Here, sitting in front of her mother, we see Hope covering her eyes to hide her tearful reaction as the taunting is discussed.

Hope was born 29 weeks premature after the Knights were involved in a head-on auto collision. When Hope was born, she weighed only two pounds, 12 ounces, which caused several medical problems resulting in two brain surgeries. She fought for her life the first two years. And now, to have to face this….

Here’s Mr. Bailey and his son being interviewed about this incident.

Mr. Bailey at first denied mocking Hope. But then he said he was reacting to name-calling directed at his son. Mr. Bailey entered a plea of ‘no contest’ to a menacing charge and to disorderly conduct.

Through his lawyer, Mr. Bailey has provided an apology. “To Hope and her family, please accept my apology for my inappropriate behavior. I know that my actions were immature and lacked the respect you deserve. I didn’t realize the impact this incident would have upon both of our families and I truly regret it.”

So, there you have it. According to Mr. Bailey, he insulted the girl as a reaction to someone, presumably from the Knight family, calling his son names. He doesn’t say who started it, but most people would agree that even if someone from the Knight family started the name calling first, Mr. Bailey’s reaction was still wrong.

It is interesting that many people who responded to the video and felt Mr. Bailey’s actions were wrong included in their criticism of him, insults and advocated that someone needed to beat him up. For example, one person wrote, “I’d be worried about this idiot and his idiotic son retaliating when he’s released. Anyone with that cruel type of mentality is not to be trusted.” Another wrote, “Would love to beat the living crap out of this turd.”

According to the DIG Conflict Model we have been discussing on this blog, providing criticism with physical attacks is the lowest level of psychological maturity on a five-level scale (see HERE). Calling a person names or insulting the person in other ways is a level 2 response, the second lowest level of maturity. Both physical attacks and insults increase the probability of an escalation until someone gets killed. The last thing that is in the best interest of ten-year old Hope is for her father to end up dead.

Rather then to think of Mr. Bailey as an idiot, the DIG Conflict Model teaches us to view him at some very specific level of psychological maturity. It also provides us some very specific information about what he has to learn to reach a higher level.

I know that many people feel that for most situations the five levels of criticism make sense but when someone acts as Mr. Bailey did, it’s time to put the five levels aside. Moreover, they feel that it is perfectly correct to call him every name in the book!

Well, let me see if I can encourage those individuals to change their minds without calling them any names.

First of all, one reason that I view styles of providing criticism in a developmental framework is it fits my own personal experience.

When I was very young, I remember distinctly some kids in my elementary school insulting someone that was a little different than the rest of us. I laughed along, finding the situation genuinely funny.

As I matured, at one point, some students called a kid that was also a little different than us some names, and I laughed, but as I did, I remember feeling that it wasn’t quite right. Later that day, as we went down the stairwell at school, I told the kid I was sorry.

Then, one day I had a party and many of my friends brought dates. At one point during the party, a couple of my friends started teasing another friend about bringing a girl to the party who wasn’t very smart. They teased him in front of the girl, and I noticed her face turning very red. I found that I did not laugh at all. I thought the girl’s reaction would be enough to get my friends to stop insulting her, but a couple of minutes later they said something about her that was even more insulting. I asked to speak to them, and we went into another room for some privacy.

“You know I love you guys,” I began, “but the things you’re saying about that girl, I’d like you to cut it out.”

“Hey,” said one of my friends, “can I help it if that girl has the intelligence of a kumquat!”

I must admit that I did let out a little involuntary laugh at this–something about the kumquat comparison struck me funny. But I very quickly recovered and said, “The girl is really feeling bad about this teasing.”

“Listen,” said my friend, “we all tease each other and have some fun with it. If she can’t take a little teasing, it’s her own damn fault!”

“I don’t think continuing to humiliate her is the best way to get her to be more mature,” I replied. “Please, give her a break.”

They waved their hands at me, complaining I was turning into a political correctness police officer, but in the end, they let her alone.

Notice that as I criticized them, I didn’t use any name calling and it was certainly not my intention to throw any insults at them. Also notice that from my experience, I changed in a particular direction as I matured.

Now, there are a great deal of additional arguments that I can make about the value of a developmental perspective, but allow me just one more for today’s post.

The story involves the first black major league baseball player, Jackie Robinson and his team mate, Pee Wee Reese.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hard, hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

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INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 10, 2012
11 Comments on INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and infighting. You are judged on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

Our two friends are getting pretty silly in this exchange. I guess being silly is part of the fun.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game, not by how silly the interactions are, but by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game. They realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Immature people can come across as mean when they tease.

In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends up smiling even though Violet ends up feeling upset. I would have liked Lucy to show some concern about how Violet ends up feeling.

It is certainly understandable why Violet ends up feeling upset. We all have a strong desire to be liked. The fact that there are other people watching while Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with the teasing even harder. But what if Violet, instead of going away looking upset, ended up responding to Lucy in the following way?

“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a smile. “I guess you won this round. Well done!” Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her head before going on her way.

If Violet would have acted this way, it would have shown the other kids that she can take a little teasing without getting upset. This seems to many people a sign of maturity. We can’t expect everyone to have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Calvin went a little too far in his teasing.

I think a conflict has sprung up.

When I think about a conflict I think about the word DIG. That reminds me to dig to find in the situation the desire, what is interfering with the desire, and someone who feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong.

DIG=Desire, Interfering, and Guilt

In the above comic, Calvin desires to create a situation that would lead to some fun but perceives his actions have led to a situation that is interfering with fun. He feels he is guilty of doing something wrong.

Troubled by how Susie has reacted, Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a bit angry. It seems to me that his genuine concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign of emerging maturity.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

The sadness that Susie feels is coupled with her recognition that, without Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than she does.

How might Calvin handle this situation?

Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy thing to do. I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones, they still can hurt quite a bit.

When Calvin goes over to Susie to make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

Sometimes when we try to fix a problem it doesn’t work. That doesn’t mean we have to give up. We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teasing does so in a manner that looks to someone watching on as not fun.

At other times, people who tease don’t realize that they really have created a very uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes when people call you names or insult you in some other way, you may not be sure why they are doing this. One thing to try is to say, “I’m not sure why you are trying to put me down. Is everything okay? Are you mad at me about something?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior. But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down a list of other desires that motivate insults. By becoming familiar with these other desires, confusion can oftentimes be quickly brought under control and a plan generated to address the concerns of all involved parties.

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

If you follow this blog you will become familiar with eight different desires that can motivate name calling and teasing. This will help you to spot them even when you are beginning to feel defensive. When you learn to see the real desire motivating the criticism, you will find it much easier to act wisely.

Below is the list of the eight desires. It might be wise to print out this list and place it in a convenient place. Then, whenever you are called names or teased, you can get it out. By going down the list you might more quickly figure out what is going on.

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

The desires that oftentimes motivate name calling, insults and teasing are:

1. The desire to encourage or discourage some action.

2. The desire to release stress because the criticizer is in a bad mood.

3. The desire to take out on you what someone else did to the insulter.

4. The desire to be left alone for some quiet time.

5. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.

6. The desire to test someone to determine worthiness to be admitted into a group.

7. Jealousy.

8. Playful teasing.

Well, there you have it, the eight desires that lead to name calling, insults and teasing. You can already find some suggestions for dealing with most of the various types of desires from checking out some earlier posts.

Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)

In future blog posts we’ll explore all of these issues more thoroughly.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, encouraging caring, insults, name calling, negative criticism, playful teasing, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism

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GUILTING VERSUS ENCOURAGING CARING: AN ADVANCE LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 29, 2012
11 Comments on GUILTING VERSUS ENCOURAGING CARING: AN ADVANCE LESSON

Last week’s post is titled, AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING.” There we compared “GUILTING” to “ENCOURAGING CARING.” Both are different styles of making a request and reacting if someone refuses to help.

GUILTING

People using guilting express sadness at the current state of affairs and then ask for assistance. Upon having a request turned down, the person who employs guilting responds in anger while seeking to lower the refuser’s self-esteem and making the refuser feel deserving of punishment. People using guilting typically shout out phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?” Here’s an example of guilting:

ENCOURAGING CARING

People using encouraging caring make their requests very much like those who use guilting. As they ask others to help, they express sadness at the current state of affairs. However, unlike those who use guilting, those who use encouraging caring seek a mutually satisfying solution. If their request is turned down, they don’t view the refuser as evil and deserving of punishment. To seek to humiliate those who turn down their requests is avoided, while showing empathy and support are essential. Here’s an example of someone using encouraging caring:

Defending Encouraging Caring

To those of you who simply intuit that encouraging caring is a more powerful plan when making requests than guilting, you require no additional arguments to put it to good use. To the skeptics out there, and to those who enjoy employing principles of science to assist in verifying your belief, the following study provides some relevant information.

Data from a University Study

In the autumn of 1981, I hired four student actors at the University of Minnesota, two guys and two gals. We met at a well-equipped film studio on campus.

First, I had one of the actors, Pete, enact a guilting scenario. Two scenes were used. The first shows the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses guilting whenever someone turns down his request. In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down Pete replies angrily:

The second scene, which depicts Pete making a new request, is very similar to the “calculus test help” situation we looked at earlier. The subjects in the study who observed this first videotape saw a scene showing how Pete typically responds to someone who turns down his requests. They then observed the second scene in which Pete makes a new request. The subjects in the study were to imagine that Pete is a guy whom they knew typically uses guilting and is now making this new request directly to them. The subjects’ job was to enact the role of a friend of Pete and to imagine how they would respond to this new request. After completing this two-scene guilting videotape, we got to work on a second two-scene videotape. This one has Pete enacting an encouraging caring scenario. It begins by showing the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses encouraging caring whenever someone turns down his request. In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down, Pete replies sadly:

Once this scene was created, I used the exact “new request” scene as I used on the first videotape that depicts Pete requesting help for the calculus test situation. Thus, this second videotape has a different first scene than the first videotape, but the exact same second scene that shows Pete requesting help of the viewer who was to enact the role of Pete’s friend. The third videotape that we created is designed to depict another guilting scenario, one that uses the request for a timelier car ride situation that we discussed earlier. The fourth videotape we worked on is designed to depict an encouraging caring scenario using the same request for a timelier car ride situation. Once this set of four videotapes was made, I then had the three other actors make the same set of four videotapes as Pete did, so in the end I had four actors portraying the four different scenarios. Once I had the videotapes made, I arranged for University of Minnesota students, 139 men and 109 women, to come to a viewing theater. Each student saw just one of the sixteen videotapes, randomly chosen. Because the actor making the request in the video had pretended as if the camera is the person for whom the request is made, he or she appears to be addressing the student viewing the videotape. As I already mentioned, the job of each student observing the videotape was to enact the role of the friend to whom the request is being made. Immediately after observing the request, students individually answered five questions. The results of the study indicated that those students who saw the encouraging caring videotapes answered all five questions more favorably than students who saw the guilting videotapes and these differences were statistically significant. Thus, students indicated that they would be more likely to comply and less likely to become covertly and overtly angry with those who tend to use encouraging caring than those who tend to use guilting. Moreover, guilters were less liked and were viewed as less respected for how they handle conflict than those who used encouraging caring.

Encouraging Caring: A Secret Source of Power

I’ve just provided some information about why I think encouraging caring can often be more effective than guilting. We now take up the question of why I think encouraging caring is a secret. When teaching conflict resolution, I frequently employ the following technique: The class is given a typical conflict and asked to generate plans that might help to resolve the conflict. I have found that although guilting is regularly suggested, encouraging caring almost never is. When I have suggested it as a possibility, students have often looked puzzled, and sometimes asked, “Isn’t that the same thing as guilting?” During counseling sessions, I’ve also found that the availability of encouraging caring to deal with conflicts seems to be a secret to many people. Here’s an example:

Patricia (not her real name), a 21-year old university student, came to the counseling center expressing a concern about her relationship with her mother with whom she lived. Patricia desired to make her own decisions, but whenever she tried to do this, her mother fervently interfered.

“Patricia,” I said, “what do you think would be the best way to respond to your mother the next time she begins to insist on pushing you in a particular direction?”

“My friends tell me to learn to be assertive. I read a book on it, and I’ve tried some of the ideas. In some situations it’s helped but not with me and my mom. Lately, my friends are coaching me to practice saying in a strong voice, ‘Mom, I’m going to make up my own mind! I don’t want any advice from you unless I ask for it!’”

“Does your friends’ advice make sense to you?”

“In a way, it does. The thing is, there’s no way I could ever say that to my mom.”

“Hmm. Well, what do you think is the best way to go from here?”

“I’m feeling stuck. I’m hoping you can help me to come up with some idea.”

“Well, I suggest we try practicing a style I call ‘encouraging caring.’ You don’t have to make any commitment to me that you’ll try this with your mother, but if you try it out with me in a role play a few times, maybe it will feel more comfortable to you than your friends’ suggestion. Would that be okay?”

“I’m willing to give it a try.”

“Good. I’m going to play the part of your mother. I’ll start to give you some advice, and I’d like you to consider saying, in a sad voice, ‘Mom, I’ve been feeling sad lately. I love you very much, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and yet I feel that it’s best for me to make my own decisions. Every time I try, you start to feel frustrated.’ “When you say that, Patricia, I’m going to act like I’m becoming defensive. If this makes sense to you, I’d like you to practice replying sadly, ‘I’m not putting you down, Mom. It’s just that I’ve been feeling so sad about this. I really do love you.’”

“That sounds a little like guilting. I don’t want to learn to be a guilter like my mom.”

I then explained to Patricia the difference between guilting and encouraging caring. It was like a light went on in her head as she smiled broadly. I gently posed a few questions for her to make sure she understood the difference, and within a few minutes she convinced me that her understanding was sound.

After a few practice role plays, Patricia expressed a high degree of confidence that she could try this with her mother. The next time I saw her, Patricia reported with a smile on her face that she was able to try encouraging caring with her mom the night of our last session. It turned out that she and her mother ended up having a good cry together, and since then, her mother had begun to encourage her to be more independent.

We practiced a few more role plays that session, trying to anticipate what might be a response that remained consistent with the encouraging caring style in the event that her mother began to again become too pushy. We also worked on a little note that Patricia wrote to her mother thanking her for being so understanding. During our discussion, Patricia decided to get her mother a little gift to go with the note without my suggesting such a gesture.

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ASSIGNMENT: If you will, see if you can remember a time when you requested some assistance and was turned down. Think about how you responded? See if you can imagine replying in a way that matches the encouraging caring approach.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bullying, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, encouraging caring, frustration, guilting, insults, name calling, psychological maturity, respect, wisdom

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AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 24, 2012
1 Comment on AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

To become a master at responding to criticism, we have to first learn to recognize the reason for the criticism. So far we have discussed five of them:

Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see HERE and HERE)
Playful teasing (see HERE)
The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see HERE)
Jealousy (see HERE)
The criticizer is in a bad mood (see HERE)

Today we will turn our attention to a sixth reason–“guilting.”

GUILTING

In the above comic, Blondie criticizes Dagwood for not agreeing to go to the party. She does so by crying out, “How can you do this to me?!” and by bursting into tears. Her technique to convince Dagwood to do what she wants despite his determination manages to work.

Blondie’s actions are an example of what we will be calling “guilting.” It occurs when somebody who has had a request turned down seeks to change the person’s mind by tossing out certain types of insults.

You may have heard what I refer to as “guilting” as “laying a guilt trip on someone” or “imposing guilt on someone.”

As in the Blondie comic, sometimes guilting can indeed change somebody’s mind. On the other hand, sometimes imposing guilt on someone can hurt a relationship.

The two above comics pose an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, under some sets of circumstances we can often increase the probability that our desire will be fulfilled by employing a plan that makes someone feel guilty. On the other hand, using such a plan may hurt our reputation and end up costing us valued friends.

An Alternative to Guilting

Early in my career I began to wonder if I could tweak the “guilting” plan so that it would reduce the probability of negative consequences. I had recently read a book by Joan Bondurant, Conquest of Violence: The Gandhian Philosophy of Conflict. There Ms. Bondurant tells us that many believe Mohandas Gandhi’s style of appealing for help is particularly effective.

Gandhi recognized that we all have desires, some selfish and some supportive of those we care about. He also saw that there are people whose actions either interfere with our desires or help to fulfill them. As we ask others to help, he believed it is acceptable to express sadness at the current state of affairs and to seek a mutually satisfying solution. If our request is turned down, it is not acceptable to view the refuser as evil. To seek to humiliate those who turn down our requests is forbidden, while showing empathy and support are essential.

To get a sense of Gandhi’s approach in action, consider an example taken from his autobiography. One day, in an effort to bring to light some injustice that had been occurring in South Africa, Gandhi sought help from the newspaper editor of The Bangabasi.

The editor kept me waiting for an hour. He had evidently many interviewers, but he would not so much as look at me, even when he had disposed of the rest. On my venturing to broach my subject after a long wait, he said: ‘Don’t you see my hands are full? There is no end to the number of visitors like you. You better go. I am not disposed to listen to you.’ For a moment I felt offended, but I quickly understood the editor’s position. I had heard of the fame of The Bangabasi. I could see that there was a regular stream of visitors there. And they were all people acquainted with him. His paper had no lack of topics to discuss…. However serious a grievance may be in the eyes of the man who suffers from it, he will be but one of the numerous people invading the editor’s office, each with a grievance of his own. How is the editor to meet them all?… But I was not discouraged. I kept on seeing editors of other newspapers.

Upon being turned down, Gandhi remained supportive and empathetic toward the editor. “Experience has taught me,” Gandhi explains later in his autobiography, “that civility is the most difficult part of Satyagraha [his philosophy]. Civility does not here mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inborn gentleness and desire to do the opponent good. These should show themselves in every act of a Satyagrahi.”

Contrast the above style, which I will hereafter refer to as encouraging caring, with guilt. The Dictionary of Behavioral Science (Wolman, 1973) defines guilt as, “The realization that one has transgressed a moral, social or ethical principle, associated with a lowering of self esteem and a need to make retribution for the transgression” (italics mine).

In the guilt definition, the two sets of words that I put in italics represent the crucial differences between encouraging caring and a strategy that I will refer to as guilting. If Blondie uses guilting on Dagwood because he is resisting complying, she will respond angrily while attempting to lower his self-esteem and make him feel like he is deserving of punishment for his actions. Consistent with guilting is the use of phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?”

In contrast, if Blondie was to use encouraging caring, she would express sadness while seeking to enhance Dagwood’s self-esteem as he comes to feel a sense of compassion within himself, a compassion that leads to a sense of satisfaction as they strive together toward a mutually satisfying solution. As I envision this, it looks something like this…

Because Blondie is in an ongoing relationship with Dagwood, when she decides to use guilting on him, she doesn’t always have to say the words that indicate she is employing guilting. After she has used it a few times with him, just the tone of her voice or even a certain look may be enough to fully indicate to Dagwood that she has decided to use guilting in the current situation.

Similarly, if Blondie happened to be the type of person who uses encouraging caring on an ongoing basis, she would not have to convey to Dagwood, in a long-winded speech, everything that makes up this supportive style each and every time she decides to use it. An expression of sadness with a few supportive words would be sufficient. The best time to convey the attitudes that make up the encouraging caring approach is during pleasant discussions, rather than when embroiled in a personal conflict.

To be effective and convincing, Blondie must not suddenly switch to guilting whenever she sees her encouraging caring request style is not going to work. That is, suppose after Blondie tries to use encouraging caring for a few minutes she finds that Dagwood insists on not going to the costume party. If Blondie suddenly cries out, “You’re a selfish jerk!” Dagwood would know from then on that when she appears to be using encouraging caring, she is just putting on an act, and her real attitude is that she views him as guilty whenever he does not comply with her request.

Now don’t misunderstand me. Suppose Blondie consistently uses encouraging caring. One day she asks Dagwood to go to a costume party and he turns her down. She is very supportive, though disappointed. Dagwood may find himself feeling guilty for refusing to go to the party. Just because Dagwood feels guilty doesn’t mean Blondie has used guilting on him. It is quite common for someone to have feelings of guilt upon turning down a request even when the requester consistently uses encouraging caring. However, in such cases the refusers do not believe the requesters are seeking to make them feel guilty. Guilters are viewed as deliberately trying to make refusers feel guilty.

Some Practice

Here’s a comic that displays a college student making a request of a friend. See if you can identify whether the woman’s style of making a request is more consistent with guilting or encouraging caring.

In this comic, Diane expresses sadness about coming to class late and requests that Tom pick her up on time. When he refuses to make a commitment to do as she asks, she remains supportive. Diane’s actions are consistent with the encouraging caring plan.

It’s crucial to point out here that even with all that Diane does in this comic, a slight change in the end could turn it into guilting. For example, suppose that after becoming convinced that Tom will not do as she asks, she gets up to leave and yells at him, red faced, “You’re a selfish creep!” Guilty of guilting would be my conclusion.

Encouraging Caring and Resignation

Some people make the mistake of thinking that to use encouraging caring effectively people must learn to resign themselves to doing nothing else but graciously accepting it when a person turns down their requests. In many situations that is the wisest choice. But there are many alternatives that can be considered that are consistent with the supportive encouraging caring plan. For example, when Diane sees that Tom has turned down her request, she can offer something in return for compliance. That is, after Tom turns her request down, she can say something like, “Yeah, punching a clock can be a drag, Tom. What if I were to give you the money I spend on the morning bus ride in exchange for the ride to school? That’s two dollars a day—ten dollars a week that can help you with the gas money. I’d get a good looking guy to pick me up right at my door, and you’d get my great company, ten dollars a week, and the satisfaction of helping me out. What do you say?”

Notice that Diane’s use of this new plan proposes a mutually satisfying solution. Thus it is consistent with encouraging caring.

Negotiation is a process of communicating back and forth for the purpose of reaching an agreement (see Harvard Negotiation Project to learn more about this topic). There are several forms of negotiation methods that are consistent with encouraging caring. Mutual gains bargaining, principled negotiations, and negotiations on the merits are some names of methods that encourage the negotiators to avoid such behavior as blaming the other party for the problem, engaging in name-calling, or raising your voice. As the authors (R. Fisher and W. Uri) of the classic text on this type of negotiation writes:

Blaming is an easy mode to fall into, particularly when you feel the other side is indeed responsible. But even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive. Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. They will cease to listen, or they will strike back with an attack of their own. (Getting to Yes, page 25)

Learning to negotiate is an important part of conflict resolution, and we will return to this topic in future blog posts.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullying, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, Mohandas Gandhi, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence meditation psychological maturity ruminations stress

ANGER, RUMINATION, AND MEDITATION

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date August 25, 2012
8 Comments on ANGER, RUMINATION, AND MEDITATION

Recently, I published posts that discussed dealing with your anger that might arise when you are criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2). The techniques that are recommended in those posts can be helpful for those who are upset about what was said. But there are times when we are criticized and we get angry and we kind of think it’s about the criticism, but it really is about something else. Perhaps we realize that if someone else had criticized us in the same way using the same words, we would have been fine about it. Nevertheless, we ended up getting furious because of who said it. We then went home and our anger about what happened just kept coming up again and again. We wish it would just stop, but it doesn’t.

Such ruminations can be helpful. Each time we think over the memory in light of what we have learned since the event first occurred, we might think of some better ways to deal with the conflict. Then, if a similar event does occur, we may find that we are better prepared than if we hadn’t repeatedly mulled it over.

Despite their helpfulness, there are times when again and again an angry memory keeps creeping ever so annoyingly into our consciousness so that finally we conclude it doesn’t seem to be doing us any good.

Margaret was terribly abused by a man when she was a child. She now finds that even though twenty years have passed, each time she begins to develop a promising relationship with a guy, he ends up doing something that somehow reminds her of something that happened during the earlier abusive relationship. She then ends up recalling all that she had suffered. This leads her to act in a manner that is way out of proportion to what the new guy has done. The new guy runs for the hills and the woman, when she has calmed down, wishes she can become less sensitive.

There are several approaches that we will be discussing in future posts to help deal with such disturbing ruminations. Today, we will focus on meditation.

Meditation

For thousands of years people have advocated that sitting comfortably while resting one’s thoughts on a mantra—that is, an object to attend to—can help to ease the burdens of life. Teachers of meditation usually mix in ancient wise counsel as the student learns this beautiful art.

Research has demonstrated that meditation can be helpful for improving empathy, working memory, the ability to focus, and relationship satisfaction, as well as reducing stress, anxiety, and ruminations. Evidence also suggests that mindfulness meditation has numerous health benefits, including increased immune functioning (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx for a review of the research.)

For those who want to give meditation a try before entering into a course or participating in many of the available wonderful retreats, I offer the following.

A SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE FORM OF MEDITATION

jack meditater — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

Set aside about twenty minutes. Preferably, choose a time when you haven’t eaten for at least an hour. This is because right after a meal your stomach begins to work hard to digest what you have just consumed. It is better to wait until much of this is over. This way your body can devote more of its energy for your journey into the deepest levels of your mind.

The only tool you need is a clock or watch so you can know when the twenty minutes are up. Select the most quiet, comfortable place you can find for sitting. With this form of meditation there is no requirement to sit in any unique fashion. If you desire to shift your position at any time, feel free to go right ahead.

Begin by checking the time and then figure out what time it will be when twenty minutes will have passed. Then close your eyes, take a deep inward breath, and as you exhale, let your whole body deeply relax. For approximately thirty seconds, enjoy letting your mind drift wherever it wishes to go.

After the half minute has passed, begin to observe your breathing. This observation of your breath serves as your mantra. Do not try to alter the flow of your breath as you observe it, just observe it. At first you may find that just the act of observing your breathing in and out will result in altering your breathing pattern. This is very natural and a common experience. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing when this happens. As long as you gently seek to observe your breathing without influencing its flow you are doing wonderfully.

Now, as you gently seek to do this, not only will you see yourself at times influencing the flow of your breathing, but you will also find, from time to time, that your attention will drift away from your breath altogether. In fact, it is a common experience. Many of us find that we spend almost no time whatsoever observing our breath as we meditate, our thoughts instead drifting here and there on other matters. Such experiences are a natural part of meditating. You are doing nothing wrong. There is no need to feel guilty.

When you notice that your attention has drifted away from your breathing, very gently see if you can effortlessly return to observing your breath. If you can, do so. If you find that your mind drifts back to something else, this is fine. The whole process is effortless. This is one reason that it is so relaxing. That is, you give your mind something so simple to do that it requires no real effort, and whenever you begin to drift from this no effort task, you accept this as just a natural part of the process without chastising yourself.

As you do this, from time to time check and when you notice that twenty minutes have gone by, take a deep in-breath, exhale, and then give yourself two minutes to let your breath and mind wander wherever they will go. In this way, you ease out of meditation and return to your non-meditative state.

SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Over the years, when I taught people to meditate, the following questions were often asked.
1. Question: How often should I meditate?
Answer: The research demonstrating the effectiveness of meditation has not yet adequately compared those who meditate twice a day to those who meditate more or less. Instead of research, we are guided by tradition and our own experience.

From traditional sources, twice a day appears to be the most common practice. Dr. Herbert Benson, the author of the popular book titled, The Relaxation Response, and a leader in carrying out research on meditation, reports that once or twice a day is sufficient.

I recommend that beginners practice twice a day (preferably before breakfast and before suppertime) for the following reasons. This is what I was taught by a yoga teacher when I first began to practice forty years ago and it has become a comfortable, valued practice for over 40 years. Moreover, I have taught many using this technique and have never seen anyone who expressed harm from this practice. There have been many who have reported dramatic improvements in daily functioning.

2. Question: If I don’t have time to meditate for twenty minutes can I gain some benefits from practicing for less time?
Answer: Dr. Herbert Benson reports that some studies indicate that practicing daily as little as ten minutes per day can produce significant improvements lowering your stress levels. If you find that you don’t have even ten minutes a day to meditate, you might consider that age old adage that the time to meditate is when you don’t have time to meditate.

A young woman once told me that she didn’t have time to meditate even for ten minutes a day. “How much TV do you watch?” I inquired. She smiled sheepishly and after a few seconds of calculating in her mind, replied, “Five hours a night.” She quickly added, “Well, I have to watch my shows!” In my view, this woman would be wise to reset her priorities.

3. Question: How does meditation help to reduce problems involving recurring angry memories?
Answer: As you meditate, among the thoughts that float into your awareness are angry memories. When this occurs, you tend to be in a more peaceful state than usual. The pairing of the memory with this peaceful state allows for a more dispassionate look at the events that had surrounded the original angry episode. This process often leads to a perspective that is experienced as less threatening. And sometimes an insightful plan suddenly emerges with great promise should a similar problem cross your path.

The meditation process has been likened to dying a piece of material. Suppose you have a white sweater and you would like to dye it a nice royal blue. The first time you dip the sweater in the dye solution and let it sit for a while, when you lift it from the solution you might not notice any change at all. Upon soaking the sweater again in the solution, letting it sit for awhile, and then lifting it out, this time you may think you notice a slight change, but you are not sure. You repeat this process several more times and slowly but surely you begin to see the color of the sweater becoming a wonderful hue. In this way, each time you sit in meditation, your anger will ease into something more beautiful.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, name calling, psychological maturity, respect, stress, threats, violence, wisdom

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BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date August 21, 2012
2 Comments on BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2

In my last post, I discussed BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF.

friend3 — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I received some nice comments from people who found the suggestions helpful. Thanks!

For some, the suggestions that I put forth on this blog are easy to carry out in real life situations. For others, old habits that have been used in anger- arousing situations for years are not so easily changed. This is true even when people become convinced that the new style makes sense. After a few tries at using the new style and finding that the attempts come off as clumsy, many people may decide that the new style is just not “natural” for them. They feel that their effort to change is really an effort to suppress their “natural” style, and suppression is not healthy.

The association of anger suppression with learning new skills to deal with anger is understandable, for when one has spent many years acting one way, learning alternative behaviors can be frustrating. This uncomfortable sensation may be seen as the suppression of one’s “natural” mode of behavior. It’s a similar experience to how actors might feel when first learning a new role or golfers a new swing. At first the skill to be learned feels awkward and the early phase of learning can leave them to observe their heart racing and their blood pressure skyrocketing.

To take a particularly vivid example, consider what happens when human beings have to go to empty their bowels. When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere. No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy. Most of us now understand that when people feel the urge, they can learn to excuse themselves in a pleasant manner and then wait a bit until they get to a more private place to do this type of business. No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger. To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling, icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

Taking the time to calm yourself in the manner suggested in last week’s blog can work, but for most people, it takes practice. By designing a program in small incremental steps and heeding the suggestions I will be making on this blog, the feeling of suppressing one’s natural behavior can be largely reduced or even completely eliminated.

First of all, Expect Missteps.

By studying the posts on this blog, it is likely that several situations will occur that you now find yourself handling much better than before. If the response by others you are engaged with ends up being favorable, this will encourage you to utilize the same approach again and again until it begins to feel natural, that is, second nature to you. Other skills will come off a bit awkward or you will get a less than favorable response, and you may experience frustration. When you try the skill again, you may now feel unsure and your effort may lead you to interpret this as suppressing a more “natural” way to respond. You may therefore give up and conclude that you are helpless to make a meaningful change in this type of skill.

A big part of the solution to this problem is to reread the section that discusses the skill, and then practice over and over in your mind a narrative that has you envisioning utilizing the skill. When you can smoothly imagine in detail carrying out the skill, try it out again in real life. You may have to do this a few times until you get it right.

Today, I will provide a little fun practice session to help to better learn the skill of being a wise friend to your angry self.

You and your Friend, Eric

parable 1 — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

You and your friend, Eric, are discussing the upcoming election. Eric explains why he intends to vote for someone in the upcoming presidential election you believe would do an awful job. After the discussion has gone on for awhile, eventually it becomes clear to you that neither of you are going to change your opinions.

It’s at this point that you feel your anger toward Eric rising up within you. Before reading on, spend some time thinking about what you would now do.

After thinking about this, consider trying to come up with a charming way to say to Eric you’d like to take some time to think about the discussion you have both been having and then leading the discussion on to another topic. Envision in your mind exactly what you would say, and how you would say it.

parable 2 — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

After you have thought about this, see if your response includes summarizing for Eric his main points. Then a smile, perhaps a good-nature pat on the back of Eric’s shoulder, and then a comment like, “Well Eric, by now you know my opinion about this and I certainly know yours. We obviously disagree. Nevertheless, I’m still very fond of you.” Finally, a comment by you that indicates your willingness to continue the conversation after you had some time to reflect on what has already been said.

It is now later in the day. You recall the conversation with Eric and anger rises up within you. Think about what you would do to deal with this.

After thinking about this, reread last week’s post and compare and contrast it with what you came up with. Practice this exercise until you can,

1. envision in your mind very quickly and smoothly coming up with a charming way to disengage with Eric;

2. describe how you wish to respond to your anger when it flares up after you leave Eric for the day.

When you can do this three times without using any notes, you will find that the next time a similar situation comes up, you will be able to handle it far better than you thought possible.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullied, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, psychological maturity, respect