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Killing People Because They Criticized Your Muslim Faith: Is It A Sign of Immaturity?

paris-rally-large-169Anyone who follows the news, has heard about the most recent terrorist act in France. This post, however looks at what occurred earlier this year against those who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo.  The magazine had published articles and cartoons that criticize those who believe that the proper response to people making fun of a group’s religious beliefs is to kill them.  Although the magazine writers had poked fun at all of the major religions, it was individuals who viewed themselves as followers of the Muslim faith that actually carried out these murders.

Before I go any further, I hasten to point out that Muslim statesmen, clerics and intellectuals have condemned these awful acts.  Moreover, the vast majority of those who view themselves as Muslims are not going around murdering anyone, let alone people who voice criticism of their faith. That said, we still have laid before us on the front pages of every media outlet this particular event. I therefore am personally moved to spend some time today throwing around some relevant ideas.  Anything that I do say today in no way is meant to imply that I think Muslims, in general, are more violent-prone or immature than other people.

Violence in Response to Criticism

Regular followers of this blog well know that I have put together a tentative model of different levels of maturity for responding to criticism.  There are 5 levels.  Level one is viewed as the most immature set of responses.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature.

If you will, take a look below at the five levels of maturity and see what level of maturity best describes the actions of those who murdered the Charlie Hebdo magazine workers?

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts unless also displaying responses consistent with either level 4 or 5.
  • Physically attacks the criticizer (regardless of whatever else is said or done)
  • Damages property (regardless of what else is said or done)

cryinglevel 1 fightLevel 1 paint

 

 

 

 

 

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

level 2-1 Level 2-2 Level 2-3

 

 

 

 

Level 2-4

 

 

 

 

                             

  1. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:
  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

level 3-1.jpg level 3-2.jpg.gif

 

 

                        

 

  1. Individuals at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  Level 4If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit, and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

  1. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people acting in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. Level-5That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes something suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

 

Okay, so now that you looked over the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism, which level do you think best matches those who slaughtered the group of individuals who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo?

My Response

As I looked over the levels, the task was easy.  As far as I’m concerned, level 1 is clearly the best match.

Now some might say, why bother to put the actions of those who did the killing in a developmental framework?  For many, just calling them vile names more than suffices.

Well, one reason is that calling someone vile names doesn’t automatically point one to a description of what would be a more mature response, as a developmental model does. Additionally, if you want to talk the language of many experts in human behavior, getting away from the vile name calling fits in with their zeitgeist.

Mustafa Akyol
Mustafa Akyol

Consider Mustafa Akyol, author of Islam Without Extremes: A Muslim Case for Liberty and the writer of yesterday’s New York Times Op-Ed titled “Islam’s Problem With Blasphemy.”  First, Mr. Akyol points out that,

The only source in Islamic law that all Muslims accept indisputably is the Quran. And, conspicuously, the Quran decrees no earthly punishment for blasphemy — or for apostasy (abandonment or renunciation of the faith), a related concept. Nor, for that matter, does the Quran command stoning, female circumcision or a ban on fine arts. 

Mr. Akyol explains that religious nationalism is guided by religious law — Shariah — which was developed over 100 of years after the Quran, and it is there that we find clauses about punishing blasphemy as a deadly sin. While Shariah is believed by many Muslims to be rooted in the divine, according to Mr. Akyol, the overwhelming majority of its injunctions are man-made, partly reflecting the values and needs of the seventh to 12th centuries — when no part of the world was liberal, and other religions, such as Christianity, also considered blasphemy a capital crime.

In contrast to Shariah law about blasphemy, the Quran tells its followers: “God has told you in the Book that when you hear God’s revelations disbelieved in and mocked at, do not sit with them until they enter into some other discourse; surely then you would be like them.”

Mr. Akyol concludes his Op-Ed piece with the following:

Just “do not sit with them” — that is the response the Quran suggests for mockery. Not violence. Not even censorship.

Wise Muslim religious leaders from the entire world would do Islam a great favor if they preached and reiterated such a nonviolent and nonoppressive stance in the face of insults against Islam. That sort of instruction could also help their more intolerant coreligionists understand that rage is a sign of nothing but immaturity. The power of any faith comes not from its coercion of critics and dissenters. It comes from the moral integrity and the intellectual strength of its believers.

Notice Mr. Akyol’s last paragraph refers to immaturity, and he lays out what he views as a more mature, wiser path.  That is the type of model that I, myself, am striving to emulate.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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Suicide, Perfectionism, and Criticism

male criticismSometimes I’m asked why I write so much about dealing with criticism. The answer mostly has to do with the types of concerns that have been expressed to me over the years. Some involve the desire to be liked and respected.  Others have to do with seeking to gain control over anger.  And still others come from parents who find that how they go about disciplining their children has been a serious source of stress in their lives. Providing and responding to criticism in a pleasant, thoughtful manner involves skills that can be learned fairly quickly, and are clearly helpful when addressing these types of concerns.

Additionally, conflicts that bring forth negative criticism, if handled in an immature manner, can escalate and result in a destructive relationship between parent and child, the parting of a relationship between two valued friends, the loss of a job, serious injury, and prison time.  And then there is the relationship between certain ways that people handle criticism and suicide.

Rebecca Sedwick
Rebecca Sedwick

In an earlier post, titled “Teenage Suicide and Cyberbullying: A Case Study,” I wrote about 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick who had leaped to her death after more than a year of being incessantly criticized by a coterie of 15 middle-school children.  Today, once again I take up the subject of the relationship between criticism and suicide because of an article I just read in this September’s Review of General Psychology by Gordon L. Flett, Paul L. Hewitt, and Marnin J Heisel titled, “The Destructiveness of Perfectionism Revisited:  Implications for the Assessment of Suicide Risk and the Prevention of Suicide.” It’s written for research-minded people and has far more nuanced information than I can share in a single blog post designed for the general reader. Nevertheless, I’m going to summarize a few of its key points for I think they are very much worth considering as we move forward in our quest to become masters at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing.

Suicide and Criticism

suicide3The media is filled with stories about the Ebola virus, which has so far killed close to 4,000 people worldwide, and one person in North America.  In contrast, it is estimated that over one million people worldwide, including 40,000 people in North America, kill themselves on an annual basis.  Recent U.S. data indicate that suicide is the second leading cause of death among people who are under 40 years of age. For every person who commits suicide, several more attempt it, resulting in anguish for family and friends, and financial costs from emergency room and aftercare services that are estimated to be several billion dollars.

Of course, there are a number of reasons why people kill themselves, but the article I just read makes the following argument:

suicide1Chronic exposure to situations and contexts that place excessive pressure (or percieved pressure) on the individual to be perfect can have a destructive effect on most individuals and this is heightened among those people who are vulnerable and hypersensitive to criticism and social comparison feedback.  Consider, for instance, the vulnerable perfectionist exposed regularly to a hypercritical parent, (boss/supervisor) or romantic partner who is ever-present and seemingly impossible to please.  Alternatively, the vulnerable perfectionist may have a work environment where mistakes are simply not allowed and excessive standards are required by a tyrannical boss.

Now, I hasten to point out that most parents, bosses and supervisors who encourage quality performance don’t cause anyone to commit suicide. Moreover, the vast majority of people who may view themselves as perfectionists, even those who see themselves as particularly sensitive to criticism, don’t end up killing themselves. Nevertheless, the consistent evidence from studies that link suicide behavior with chronic exposure to external pressure to be perfect and the relationship between perfectionistic characteristics and an increased risk of lethal suicide behavior leads one to pause.  Perhaps there may be some ways to encourage quality performance without increasing suicide risks.

Ideas about Prevention

suicide2Many people who view themselves as perfectionists tend to remain silent about any despair that they may experience.  And those who demand that their children or workers be perfect don’t see anything wrong with this. So these people are unlikely to show up and ask to learn some skills to improve their behavior. Prevention programs, therefore, must be designed proactively and implemented broadly to reach these people. Schools, colleges and business organizations, if they are to impact people at risk, must provide education about these issues to their entire population.  Thus, Flett and his colleagues recommend the following key themes be incorporated into school-based programs:

(a) fostering self-acceptance and compassion instead of experiencing shame and self-criticism; (b) promoting appropriate goal-setting and goal appraisal versus setting and maintaining impossible standards; (c) combating ambivalence about giving up the need to be perfect since the distressed perfectionist must be highly motivated to change; and (d) developing resilience to feelings of shame and ability to cope with interpersonal conflict and feelings of being rejected by others.

For the work environment, Flett and his colleagues state:

Prevention efforts should include an organizational focus on reducing pressures to be perfect.  When perfectionism prevails as part of the culture and values of the workplace, it tends to promote poorer performance rather than superior performance (Gillett & Stenfert-Kroese, 2003) and it is linked with job dissatisfaction, poorer communication quality, role conflict, reduced likelihood of staying, and a poorer perceived fit between the person and the work environment (Balthazard, Cooke, & Potter, 2006; Rousseau, 1990). 

Although, as a general statement, these ideas are worthwhile to think about, a far more detailed process is necessary to foster the goals of these researchers. For those who can afford counseling services designed to teach self compassion, along with addressing each individual’s concerns, I recommend working with either of the two counselors described HERE. For those who can’t access counseling services because of the financial costs, although not as ideal as direct one to one counseling, there is available for free a curriculum that teaches the necessary skills at this blog site (see below).

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Conflict Resolution and The Wisdom of Abraham

male criticismfemale-criticsmSometimes we observe people doing things that seem terribly wrong. We may then find, welling up from within, an urgent desire to provide negative criticism.

In earlier posts, in an effort to provide some guidance on how to avoid expressing our concerns in a form that can potentially make a bad situation far worse, I provided a description of 5 levels of maturity for providing negative criticism (see HERE). In many situations, by simply attempting to create a communication that is consistent with the level 5 description, we end up dramatically improving our chance to make a valuable difference. But there are certain subtle situations that require special considerations.

world viewSometimes the actions you hope to change are intertwined with certain entrenched worldviews. In these types of situations, to expect to encourage people all at once to make what might seem to them to be some enormous change, might be way too much to expect. How better to deal with these situations? In today’s post, I’m going to present a parable that I hope you will find helpful when dealing with these types of situations.

bibleThis little parable is based on a story that appears in the bible about Abraham. I’ve taken some creative license in its telling, and based on this altered narrative, I’ve come up with a dramatically different literary interpretation of its meaning than the typical religious interpretation of the actual biblical story. For those who have a deep sense of religion, I don’t mean any disrespect. I do realize that by using a biblical story in this way I may grate upon tender associations, but I simply am unable at this point to derive any alternative that contains this story’s emotional impact. In no way am I attempting to claim that it has some sort of religious authority that some of you may feel for the actual biblical story.

With that said, I now present the story of “The Wisdom of Abraham.”

The Wisdom of Abraham

abraham1A few thousand years ago a man named Abraham lived in a village whose inhabitants followed the religion of Ba’al. The village was bound to the economy of the land that depended on the regularity and adequacy of the rains. Anxiety about the rainfall was a continuing concern of the inhabitants and this gave rise to rites to ensure the coming of the rains.

Many of the elders of the community remembered a drought that was so severe that over half the village died of starvation. After that terrible year, some of the Ba’al leadership prayed and reported that their god had spoken to them and commanded that to avoid another similar severe drought the people of the village must sacrifice a couple’s first born child. The people reluctantly obeyed, and from that point on there had never been another drought quite as bad.

Now, in this community, it came to pass that Abraham had a wife, Sara, who, after many, many frustrating years of trying, she, at long last, became pregnant. When the community members heard about this, they all gathered in the village square.

The leader of the community, Hareesh, took out a knife with a golden handle encrusted with sparkling jewels. “Abraham,” Hareesh cried out so all could hear, “after all of your difficulties in getting Sara pregnant you have finally succeeded. God will indeed appreciate your great sacrifice when your child is born. All in the village are so fortunate, for because of your great sacrifice we will surely have a wonderful rainy season and our crops will be bountiful. Let us all thank god.”

“Well, um,” Abraham began to stutter, “um, well I know that in the past it was our tradition to sacrifice our first born child, but, um…”

“Abraham!” cried Hareesh in a booming voice, “there will be no buts about this matter. You will follow the will of god!”

Abraham saw the look on the face of this leader, and he glanced quickly over the faces of the others in the village and it was plain that if he was to object any more he and his wife would be put to the fire, and so he held his tongue.

abraham and babyOn the day that Sara gave birth, all again gathered in the village square. And there stood Hareesh with the golden handled, jewel-encrusted knife. “Abraham,” he cried out, “do you want me to do the deed, or do you wish to do the deed yourself?”

“Last night,” Abraham replied, “I prayed and prayed, and then, just as I heard the first cry of my new born son, god oh mighty spoke to me and he did command me to do as other village fathers have done before me. God commanded that I indeed must sacrifice my son. Because of all that Sara and I went through to have this son, god has ordered that this sacrifice must occur in a special holy place up in the mountain in the region known as Mariah. I’m to take my best ram with me for it is a two-day journey to the special holy place and he will help to carry my supplies. I will also take two of my most capable servants. Give me the sacrificial knife and I will follow god’s commandment.”

“Abraham,” cried Hareesh as he fingered the gold handled jewel encrusted knife,” you must do the deed just as god has commanded. But bring back the dead body of your son so we can give him the respected burial he well deserves.” And then Hareesh handed the knife over to Abraham.

Abraham and ramAnd so, Abraham took his son, along with his ram, and two servants up to the mountain. A few days later he returned with his son very much alive. Following beside him was Abraham’s two servants carrying the ram, which was dead, and it had the sacrificial knife stuck in him.

As soon as Abraham had been spotted descending from the mountain, the people of the village began to gather.

“Abraham, your son is still alive!” boomed Hareesh. “What is the meaning of this?!”

“Well,” said Abraham, “I did as god had commanded. On the third day of my journey, I looked up and saw the holy place in the distance. I said to my servants, “Stay here while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then I will come back to you, having sacrificed my son, Isaac.”

“I placed my son on the holy site, and just as I reached back with the knife in my hand, the Lord called out to me from heaven, ‘Abraham! Abraham!’

“‘Here I am,’ I replied.

Abraham and Isaac“And the lord said to me, ‘Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you are my loyal servant, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. And I can see within you, Abraham, how hard it is to bring yourself to do this deed. I am a merciful god, and therefore, from now on no one in your village shall ever sacrifice their first born as a sacrifice for me. Instead, you must sacrifice one of your finest rams.”

“And so, I followed the lord’s commandment and, as you can plainly see, I killed the ram with the sacrificial knife.”

And as Abraham finished his story, his servants laid the dead lamb at the feet of the crowd standing before him. And suddenly a great cry rose up from one segment of the crowd, and Abraham saw that it was from all of the women who were currently pregnant. They were crying that the lord was merciful, and tears were running down their faces. They fell to their knees, yelling, Thank you oh merciful lord, thank you.” And the husbands, realizing they would not have to kill their first born, also began to cry out, “Thank you oh merciful lord, thank you!” And there followed quickly another wave of cries. This time it was from all of the young men and women who had recently married and knew that if this new change had not occurred, they too would have had to sacrifice their first born, and they were greatly pleased. And then, even the men who had sacrificed their own first born, seeing how thrilled their own young sons and daughters were at Abraham’s story, also began to thank god for being so merciful.

Now, Hareesh, and some of his followers, were somewhat skeptical of what Abraham had said, but seeing the great passionate joyful response from almost everyone in the crowd, he held his tongue. Later the leader said, “We will see how the rains come, and if there is a drought, we will know the truth.”

When the rainy season did come, there were at times some ups and downs. But, in the end, overall, there was great agreement that there had been an excellent harvest, and the people were pleased.

Abraham2The following year, one day, Abraham, who had now become greatly respected in the village, announced to the people that while he was praying, the lord once again spoke to him, saying that he saw that many of the good people of the village who dutifully sacrificed their finest ram each year, were deeply grieved upon doing so. And therefore, the lord, being merciful, has now commanded me to tell you that no longer will we have to sacrifice a ram once a year, instead we must make a sacrifice by fasting once a year for a whole day, from sundown to the next sundown.

Now, most of the people liked this new change, but there were a growing number of villagers who felt that Abraham was beginning to take them too far away from the old ways. And this feeling grew. And in those days, people felt that the only way to settle this was to set up a war council meeting, plan a date to violently fight it out, and those who survived got their way.

But, on the day of the war council meeting, Abraham had many of his biggest warriors standing beside him. And he announced that while he was praying that morning, the lord again had spoken to him and he said, “Among those who want to follow the old ways I see that there are many with beautiful souls, and are good god fearing people. And among those who want to follow you, Abraham, there are also many with beautiful souls, and are good god fearing people. Both groups must live side by side in peace. And so I command that those who want to follow the old ways are to be free to do so, and those who want to follow my instructions to you, Abraham, are to be free to do so. Let both groups live together in peace.”

Many of the villagers were perplexed by this and said, “Hmmm, we can do that? You mean we don’t have to kill each other to decide this. Those who want to live the old way can live as they wish, and others can follow god’s instructions to Abraham?”

“Yes,” said Abraham. “Now let us all go in peace.”

The villagers who had been unhappy with Abraham, looked over at the big guys that Abraham had standing beside him, they looked over at Abraham and thought he was a pretty decent guy, and they started to warm up to this idea. And as the days passed, peace was found throughout the land.

Well, that’s my post for this week.

My Best,

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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On Responding to the N-word

Leonard Pitts, Jr.
Leonard Pitts, Jr.

Leonard Pitts, Jr. is a columnist, author of three novels and winner of numerous awards including the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.  When I heard that he was speaking at Flagler College, having enjoyed reading his insightful column for many years, I eagerly went to see him.

Mr. Pitts’s formal presentation was well received.  Then, he began to take questions from the audience. His responses to each were like a laser in that his answers were precisely on point–that is, until I asked my question.

My Question

When I first stepped up to the mike, I explained that I had worked with teenagers for many years, and sometimes a white student would seek to insult a black student by calling him the N-word.

Often the response was a physical fight that would lead to a school suspension.

Before returning to school, in some cases both students were asked to meet with me.  I saw each separately at first and usually I’d discuss Martin Luther King, Jr. For the black students, at some point in our discussion I would ask, “Do you understand that Martin Luther King, Jr. was all about non-violence when dealing with injustice?”

“Sure, I know that, man!” was a common reply.

Then I would say something like, “When you were called the N-word, you started to physically attack the guy who called you that.  That’s a violent approach to the injustice you had faced.  If it happens again, can you think of some other way to deal with this, some way that would respect Martin Luther King, Jr.’s memory?”

I would then typically get the following type reply: “If Martin Luther King, Jr. lived in my neighborhood, he’d have realized that if anyone called him that, the only way to respond is to bloody the guy up good!”

Having had experiences like this, I asked Mr. Pitts, “As a respected black man, how would you respond to someone who called you the N-word, and how would you advise black people to respond in the event that someone called them the N-word?”

Mr. Pitts’s Response

As I had said before, prior to my question, Mr. Pitts’s answers to questions that were being presented to him were right on point.  Now, his reply wandered off to related issues, never directly answering my question.

hip hopHe spoke, for example, of how he objected to hip-hop’s embrace of the word.  He related it to how many women in the women’s movement have now embraced the phrase, “She’s my bitch,” as a form of flattery, despite the fact that historically it was used in an unkind manner by sexist men seeking to put down women.  And he spoke eloquently about why he personally found the N-word so offensive.  I didn’t write down his exact words, but it seemed to closely match the words he used in some of his earlier newspaper columns.  For example, in a column published on November 30th, 2013, he wrote:

The N-word is unique. It was present at the act of mass kidnap that created “black America,” it drove the ship to get here, signed the contracts at flesh auctions on Southern ports as mother was torn from child, love from love and self from self. It had a front row center seat for the acts of blood, rape, castration, exclusion and psychological destruction by which the created people was kept down and in its place. The whole weight of our history dictates that word cannot be used except as an expression of contempt for African Americans.

Now, I do want to avoid a too simplistic presentation of Mr. Pitts’s position on the N-word.  He does believe that the word can be rightly used in certain situations.  For example, in a column titled, “Don’t Censor Mark Twain’s N word” he defended how it is used in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:

huck finn It is, perhaps, the seminal moment in American literature.

Young Huck Finn, trying to get right with God and save his soul from a forever of fire, sits there with the freshly written note in hand. “Miss Watson,” it says, “your runaway nigger Jim is down here two mile below Pikesville and Mr. Phelps has got him and he will give him up for the reward if you send.”

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/09/2007730/dont-censor-mark-twains-n-word.html#storylink=cpy

Huck knows it is a sin to steal and he is whipped by guilt for the role he has played in helping the slave Jim steal himself from a poor old woman who never did Huck any harm. But see, Jim has become Huck’s friend, has sacrificed for him, worried about him, laughed and sung with him, depended upon him. So what, really, is the right thing to do?

“I was a-trembling,” says Huck, “because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:

‘All right, then, I’ll go to hell’ — and tore it up.”

Mr. Pitts wrote this column in response to a publisher who had decided to put out a new edition of this classic story that replaced all 219 occurrences of the N-word with words such as “runaway slave.”  Although Mr. Pitts acknowledges the publisher means well, he states that, “…it is troubling to think the state of reading comprehension in this country has become this wretched, that we have tweeted, PlayStationed and Fox Newsed so much of our intellectual capacity away that not only can our children not divine the nuances of a masterpiece, but that we will now protect them from having to even try.”

I liked what Mr. Pitts had said in reply to my question but as I left the auditorium, I wondered why he appeared to avoid answering my question more directly.  And I wondered what he would say about the approach that I have been recommending for responding to insults (see for example, “Insulting Criticism: What Can We Do About It?”).

My Alternative to Violence When Responding to the N-word

Although I have given a number of different types of examples of people responding maturely to insults in past posts, I have never described specifically what my approach would look like in the type of a situation we have been discussing today.  I, of course, recognize that since I am not an African-American, I lack much legitimacy in offering my opinion on this topic.  Nevertheless, just to spur a deeper discussion, very tentatively I am tossing out one alternative to violence.

In the scenario presented below, this is the first time Fred is calling Leroy the N-word.  In my view, Leroy’s response would be very different if Fred has begun to repeatedly taunt him.  Concerns about how to handle taunting are addressed in my post titled “The Art of Playful Teasing”.

black and whiteLeroy, an African-American teenager is called the N-word by Fred, a white teenager.  Leroy replies by looking firmly into the eyes of Fred and says,”You just called me a nigger.  I want to make certain you clearly understand that that word was used in the past by people who believed in slavery and that African-Americans are less than human.  Is that what you are trying to say to me, that you believe in slavery, and I’m less than a human being?”

“Yeah, you nigger!” Fred replies.

Leroy pauses to think about this for a moment, looking down in a sad manner.  Then, looking squarely into Fred’s eyes, he says firmly, “Why are you trying to insult me, Fred?”

“Because I hate niggers!”

“Fred, I’ve met some black guys who strike me as pretty hateful characters.  But from my experience, there are a lot of great black guys out there. I hope in time you’ll change your mind.  Anything else you want to say to me?

“Yeah, go to hell!”

“I understand that you’re trying to insult me, Fred. I’m always interested to hear you out.  I’m sorry to hear how you feel about black people.”

Well, those are some thoughts I have for you this week.  I encourage readers to continue the discussion by posting comments.  I know these issues bring up for many of us some very strong emotions.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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NELSON MANDELA AND THE ART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Nelson 1“Great anger and violence can never build a nation. We are striving to proceed in a manner and towards a result, which will ensure that all our people, both black and white, emerge as victors.” (From Nelson Mandela’s speech to European Parliament, 1990.)

As I write this post, we are in the middle of South Africa’s 10-day mourning period for Nelson Mandela. Although I myself have never set foot in South Africa, I, along with millions of Americans, and millions more around the world, find our hearts merging with those of his country’s citizens.   It is, of course, a period of remembrance of a man who learned to forgive his oppressors; a man who in his later years developed a smile full of wisdom and kindness; a man who could fill up Yankee Stadium with thrilling cheers; a man deeply respected.

For me, Nelson Mandela provided us an enduring inspirational lesson on conflict resolution.

Nelson Mandela and Conflict

When we attempt to come up with a brief description of a conflict, it helps to have a good definition of “conflict” at hand.  On this blog, we have been using a definition derived from the DIG Conflict Model.

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

  1. Party A desires an act will occur.
  2. Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire. 
  3. Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interferes for the second, and guilty for the third.  If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

For most of Mandela’s life, the major conflict that existed in his country can be briefly described as follows:apartheid1

The large majority of people living in South Africa desired to have basic civil rights but interfering with this was the government’s apartheid laws and policies.  The majority of the people felt that those supporting the laws and policies of apartheid were, and would continue to be, guilty of doing a terrible wrong.

apartheid killingMany of the people who participated in the conflict experienced its guilt condition as so large that their attention was focused mostly on that particular condition, and it became hard to focus their attention on solving the desire-interfering problem.  To understand this better, we have to take a couple of minutes to see how each of the three conditions of a conflict can vary in size and how that affects efforts to resolve a conflict.

The Three Conflict Conditions Can Vary in Size

The three conditions of a conflict (desire, interference and guilt) are not just present.  Each of these conditions, like the sides of a triangle, can vary in size.

tri1tri2The Variability of Desires.  People have different desires, some not as strong as others.  We can get a feel for this by considering the following scenarios:

Over the course of a few months, Juliet meets four young suitors at different times.  First she meets Tom, spends an hour with him at a nice café, and the next day she has no desire to ever see him again.  A few weeks later she meets Dick at a play, and the next day she has a small but not overwhelming desire to see him.  The following week, during a stroll through a lush park, she is introduced to Harry.  The next day she finds that she wants to see him even more then she wants to see Dick.  And then she meets Romeo.  Juliet’s passion leads her to follow Romeo through the gates of death.

romeo3

Let’s say twenty-four hours after each of these four meetings, Juliet is asked to rate on a zero to ten-point scale how much she wants to see each.  Zero indicates she has no desire to see the guy, and ten indicates the greatest desire she can imagine.  For Tom, she provides a rating of zero; for Dick, a three; for Harry, a six; and for Romeo, a ten.

Once a person desires something a certain amount, over time it can change.  We all know cases in which both the bride and groom swear at their wedding that they desire to be together for the rest of their lives, and then after a few years, they have no desire to be with one another for another minute, let alone for the rest of their lives.

The process of asking people to rate from one to ten how much they desire something allows us to measure this kind of variability.  A similar process can be used to measure the other two conditions for a conflict—interfering and guilt.

romeo my fatherThe Variability of Interfering Acts.  Recall that in a conflict an interfering act refers to a party doing something that gets in the way of Party A’s desire.  With that in mind, consider the following scenarios:

Juliet wants to marry Romeo.  Her father gives his blessing and says, “Marry him whenever you want.”  Juliet is asked to rate on a zero to ten- point scale the degree she perceives that her father will act in a manner that is interfering with what she wants.  Zero indicates “not at all interfering.”  Ten indicates “completely interfering.”  With a delightful smile, she indicates a zero.

Let’s change the scenario a bit.  Juliet wants to marry Romeo.  Her father says she can see him as much as she wants six days a week.  He goes on to say that on Fridays she can also see Romeo as much as she wants, but only during the day.  From suppertime to bedtime on Fridays she will meet some other eligible men in the city.  If after three months of this plan, Juliet still wants to marry Romeo, her father tells her he will give his blessing.  Although Juliet wants to marry Romeo right away, she indicates that it appears to her that her father’s plan will not be completely interfering with what she wants by giving it a rating of three.

juliet with tearsHow about this scenario?  Juliet wants to marry Romeo.  Her father forbids her from ever seeing Romeo and has hired some thugs to kidnap and transport him to Australia, thousands of miles away.  Juliet indicates that it appears to her that her father’s interfering act is a ten.

These three scenarios illustrate that, like desires, interfering activities can be perceived as varying on a scale from zero to ten.  So too can the guilt condition.

romeo4The Variability of Guilt.  Like the desires and incompatibility conditions of conflicts, people don’t perceive guilt as just present or absent, but rather they perceive varying degrees of it.  For example, let’s say Juliet passionately desires to marry Romeo, but discovers that the prince has ordered that anyone marrying Romeo will be beheaded, along with all of her family.  Under this set of circumstances, Juliet may not blame her father at all if he refuses to give her his permission.

romeo5What about a different set of circumstances?  Juliet passionately wants to marry Romeo.   In this case, the prince is not involved.  Juliet’s father earns a meager living running a grocery store in town.  Many of his customers hate Romeo.  If they were to hear that Juliet’s father gave his permission for her to marry Romeo, they would stop shopping at his store.

The whole family depends on the income from the store.  Juliet believes her family would somehow survive, but they would lose the house that they love and have to make other major sacrifices.  In this case, Juliet may blame her father for refusing to give his permission for her to get married, but perhaps just a little bit.

romeo6In our final example, Juliet’s father refuses to give her his permission to marry even though everyone in town likes Romeo and thinks he would make a great husband for her.  When Juliet asks her father for an explanation for his refusal, he replies, “Because I said so!”

Under this set of circumstances, Juliet may believe her father is completely to blame for his interfering act.  In the case of so large a guilt condition, Juliet may begin to focus on doing something terrible to make him “pay” for his guilt.  Her angry emotions can make it difficult to think rationally and creatively.

Back to the Mandela Conflict

mandela in prisonIn 1980, when Nelson Mandela was still in prison, I spoke for over an hour to a person of color about his views on South Africa’s apartheid policies.  The entire time he was very angry and he spoke about all of the awful things that those supporting apartheid were guilty of doing.  Each time I tried to get him to discuss what the country can do to move forward in order to achieve his desire to obtain civil rights for all of the people of South Africa, he would begin to answer me, but before he could finish his first sentence, he switched back to talking about another set of actions that supporters of South Africa were guilty of.

Nelson MandelaI believe this type of discussion was typical of many of those embroiled in this conflict until Mandela was finally released after 27 years in prison.  Mandela spoke with authority when he modeled for his people a very different form of discussion, a form of discussion that was less angry, less blaming of who did what, and more on how to achieve the desire for civil rights and how to end the interfering acts of apartheid supporters.  He spoke with authority in part because the people knew that if Mandela could forgive after how he suffered in prison for so long, perhaps they could find a way to do so as well.

Oh, there were those who wanted revenge despite hearing Mandela’s approach.  Would have more violence bred even more violence?

apartheid killingIn the end, the South African people decided overwhelmingly that Mandela’s approach was the wiser of the two paths that laid before them.  Yes, there remains many serious problems that remain for the South African people to solve.  But the people have spoken, and there are many signs that exist to say they were right.  Today, according to a recent Gallup poll:

NYT surveyIn closing, I want to leave you with the words of former President Bill Clinton.  Upon being interviewed about the death of Mandela, Clinton said:

“His enduring power is that he showed us that there is truth and freedom in forgiveness and in the mental and emotional discipline to live in the present and think of the future.”

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO INSULTS BY IGNORING

If you have been following this blog, you know that I have often discussed different ways to respond to insults.

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

For example, some people respond to negative criticism that is designed to be constructive as if it was an insult.  They then become angry, defensive and end up storming away.  In a post titled CRITICISM AND WISDOM, I encouraged people who respond in this way to this type of criticism to learn to change their attitude. I explained that this type of criticism does not have to be viewed as an insult, but rather, as something potentially helpful and something that can lead toward wisdom.  Rather than becoming defensive, we can learn to welcome this type of criticism and even encourage the criticizer to feel free to provide additional criticism in the future.  This takes practice, but it can be achieved.

Sometimes people begin to throw insults at you because they are angry about a conflict they have with you.  In this type of situation, rather than to respond to the insults by becoming defensive and returning the insults, I advocated in an earlier post learning a plan to DIG FOR THE CONFLICT in a friendly, assertive manner.

More recently, I mentioned that in certain types of situations RESPONDING TO INSULTS WITH QUIET SADNESS can be helpful.  This type of response is most helpful when the insults are being provided because the insulter is in a stressed-out mood about something that has nothing to do with you, or because the insulter is jealous of you.

When I engage in discussions about the above types of responses, people sometimes ask me what I think about just ignoring an insult.

luann insultIn the above Luann comic strip, Delta tries to get Luann to consider ignoring Tiffany.  I wonder if it would be better to ignore her insult but not ignore Tiffany.

This ignoring insults strategy has been with us for a long time.  I remember a principal many years ago advocating that kids should learn to ignore insults because tossing insults at someone is a lot like a game of tennis.  tennis serveThat is, in tennis, if Ron serves a ball to you, if you refuse to hit the ball back, Ron will quickly become bored and find someone else to play with.  Similarly, if Ron throws an insult at you, if you ignore it, rather than throw the insult back, Ron will soon become bored and leave you alone.

There are times when I have used the ignoring approach fairly successfully.  I remember a time when I was about 12-years old.  I  was  passing three guys who were hanging out on a street corner.  They appeared to be around 18.  When they started insulting me, I ignored it and just kept walking.  They let me pass with just one more insult.  It was all over in a matter of seconds and no physical harm had occurred to me.  And so, the ignoring strategy worked pretty well.

However, when I got home, my imagination took flight.  I wondered  if my sense of being a “true” man had gotten roughed up just a bit.  supermanMaybe, I thought, if I really had guts, I should have told those guys a thing or two even at the risk of being beaten to a bloody pulp.  Then I imagined being Superman, and I used my super powers to beat all three of them up.

But now that I’m quite a bit older and I have a far more secure sense of my manhood, I think that under the circumstances that I found myself as a 12-year old, my actions were indeed reasonable.  I’ve learned over the years that nothing I could have done differently would have been really likely to have had any real positive impact on those three guys.

To create real change with boys like that requires an intervention that a typical 12-year old could hardly be expected to create.  martin luther kingIt would have to involve, for example, someone the older boys genuinely respect, or creating a coalition of citizens working together to take the type of nonviolent actions that was used to put a stop to the disrespectful treatment of blacks during the civil rights demonstrations of the 1960s.

For young children and those individuals who have trouble learning words, the great benefit of the ignoring approach is that it is perhaps the easiest strategy to learn.  Not even a single word is required, and it indeed can often produce better results then returning insults with insults.

word powerClose cousins to the ignoring approach, is to learn to use a particular word or phrase in response to the first insult followed by ignoring any following insults.  The most popular of course is “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”  Others are:

“So.”

“Good one.”

“Nice try.”

“I’m not going there.”

This “word or phrase approach” can give the person using it the experience of doing something to stick up for oneself.  The word or phrase is meant to convey to the insulter that you recognize the game that the insulter is trying to play, and you are smart enough to know how to refuse to play it if that’s what you wish to do.  There is a sense of empowerment that comes with being involved in a choice and taking some outward action to exercise your choice.  ignoreIgnoring, or covering your ears to pretend to ignore, without saying anything may seem “weaker” to you than at least saying something on your behalf in a pleasant, self-assured manner.

This strategy works best when the word or phrase is uttered in a pleasant, friendly tone while looking squarely into the eyes of the insulter.  If you instead say the word or phrase with a sneer or with any other action that tries to convey that you are somehow better or smarter than the insulter, the strategy is likely to make the situation worse.  You don’t want to do anything that makes the insulter angrier than he or she may already be. That might lead to an escalation of any underlying conflict and violence.  A sneer amounts to returning the insult, when that’s just what you want to avoid.  Any action that comes off as returning the insult will most likely motivate the insulter to try harder to make you feel bad.

Now, although ignoring or using a quick word or phrase followed by ignoring is easy to learn and often much better than returning the insult, for most situations trying to first find out why the person is throwing out insults is a much better course of action (see INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE).  concernedBy asking the insulter in a concerned manner the reason for the insult can lead to a quick fix for some underlying problem.  And of course, if this “asking in a concerned manner” approach doesn’t work, you can always use the ignoring approach or one of its cousins afterwards.

Well, that’s my post for this week.  I’m hoping readers will take some time to post a comment about these ideas.  What has worked for you?  What has been your experience in trying any of these strategies?  I’d love to hear from you.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO INSULTS WITH QUIET SADNESS

A couple of weeks ago, I provided readers of this blog a post titled, “How I Met Cool Steve.”  There, I told a story from one of my novels about a teenager, Jeff Star.  At one point, Jeff is in an angry mood because his teacher gave him so much homework, and perhaps he is also having some jealous feelings about how much respect the other students have for Cool Steve.  Jeff Star tells us what happens next:

lincoln high1Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me.  “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about,” Cliff calls out, “well, here he is.”

There, standing by Cliff is Cool Steve with a smile on his face.  As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness.  What’s he smiling about? I think to myself.  Cool Steve!  Cool Idiot if you ask me.  And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve.  I’ve been hearing about you.  The word is you’re a Jerk!”

As I glare at Steve, with his Mack Truck shoulders, my heart pounds furiously.  From the corner of my eye I notice Steve’s friend, Cliff, watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips.  His words from yesterday come to mind—“Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.”

Big deal!  I’m ready to go at him.

I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right.  My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes, and their eyes are flashing back and forth between me and Steve.

Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases.  Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness.  “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the guys would like me.”

Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

My eyes dart to him and back to Steve.  Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead.  The students looking on are almost drooling.  What should I do?

Uncomfortably, I find myself shifting my stance as I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down.  They look like they are on the verge of becoming watery as he looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.  My fury begins to turn into a feeling of downright stupidity.   “Listen Steve, I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked wit’ said you were okay.”  I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and then hurry away.

A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby.  Jeez, I just made a great impression, I think to myself, a wonderful great impression.  Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I got returned insults and fistfights.  Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic. Now, with the way Steve acted, I don’t know how to respond to his quiet sadness.

In contrast to the beliefs of many people, the story, “How I Met Cool Steve” puts forth the theory that someone can be respected even if they respond to an insult in a different way than to return the insult or to physically attack the insulter.  calvin argumentAs a boy growing up in Brooklyn, I became pretty acquainted with the typical way to respond to insults.  Most often, voices would get loud, and the exchange led to a very uncomfortable feeling between the two parties.  When the two parties came back together, there were often more uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  From time to time physical fights would break out, school pants got ripped at the knees as one guy tried to pin down the other on the cement ground, and I saw more then one guy end up with a broken nose.  Parents had to take time off from work to meet with the principal, and sometimes the insults led to larger groups ganging up on other groups to defend the honor of someone.

outliersMalcolm Gladwell, in his fine book, Outliers, discusses regions where people are willing to fight in response to even the slightest insult.  He refers to these regions as having a “culture of honor.”  One of the clearest consequences of having an above average “culture of honor” is that the murder rate is quite a bit higher than average.

In the Cool Steve story, there is something about how Cool Steve uses his eyes to negotiate through his challenging experience with Jeff Star.

eyesHow we use our eyes can dramatically influence an experience.  To illustrate this, consider this example.  When I first began to drive in New York, I was astounded that there were times when I was trying to ease over to the left toward my exit, when I would encounter some aggressive drivers. They would lean forward and the expression on their faces seemed to say that they would kill me if I dared to move in front of them.

aggressive driverAs I reflected upon this, I recognized that there were times that I too acted like one of these aggressive drivers.  But then one day, someone began to indicate that he wanted  to move in front of me, and as I started to get into my angry, aggressive mode, the person seeking to move in front of me deliberately caught my eye with his friendly gaze and indicated with his hand that he wanted to move over.  polite driverThere was something in his eyes that seemed to be just asking me if I minded if he moved over, rather than like he was trying to bully his way over.  Instantly, I found my whole self dramatically change.  I quickly eased off the gas peddle and waved him over.  I felt a reduction in my anger.  His eyes somehow let me know that he was not merely an it–but rather, a fellow human being.

Afterwards, I began trying this approach whenever I wanted to move over in heavy traffic, and it has been an enormous help.

sad eyesHow we use our eyes can have similarly helpful effects when someone  throws an insult at you. By looking gently into the insulter’s eyes and softly letting the insulter know you are sorry to hear whatever the insult is about often eases tensions.  Then, if you look sadly down toward the ground for a couple of seconds, and then gently back into the insulter’s eye, this has a way of making a personal connection.

As I began to try this in my teenage years, I was amazed at how well it worked.   At first, I had a little fear that my friends would think less of me, but this proved unfounded.  Occasionally, a friend would say to me, “You should have slugged that guy who insulted you right in the kisser.” I’d shrug my shoulders, and that put an end to it.  All of my old friends stuck with me, and I ended up often becoming friends with the insulters.

Now, some people in my conflict resolution classes over the years have asked, “What’s wrong with standing up for yourself?”

My answer is, “Nothing is wrong with it.  I encourage people to stand up for themselves.  But there are smart ways to do it and not so smart ways to do it.”

Consider the following Luann  comic:

luann insultHere we see Luann preparing to stick up for herself so that as soon as Tiffany throws an insult at her, Luann will be ready to return the insult.  If you are a follower of the delightful Luann comic strip, you know that this back and forth insult pattern has been going on and on for years.  And if two people are fine with continuing to act this way toward one another, they are free to do so.

But let’s say Luann is getting tired of this old game.  If she really wanted to effectively stand up for herself, she would first try to figure out why Tiffany is insulting her.  It has long been my impression that Tiffany is jealous of Luann because some boys prefer Luann to her.  Returning insults at Tiffany won’t resolve that issue.  Gently looking sadly into Tiffany’s  eyes and asking her in a concerned voice why she is throwing insults at her might lead to a more lasting solution to this type of problem.

Now, of course this quiet sadness approach is just one tool to have in your conflict resolution toolbox.  It is not quite right for every situation.  In the past, I recommended a few others (see for example, INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?). We’ll also be looking at other effective ways to stand up for yourself in future posts, ways that oftentimes work far better than returning insults.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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How I Met Cool Steve

Regular readers of this blog know that to illustrate an idea, I usually utilize a comic strip or a brief parable.  To fully integrate all of the ideas that appear in the blog, I’ve created a coming of age trilogy of novels that is set in Brooklyn that my students over the years have coined The Cool Steve Stories, because one of the main characters is “Cool Steve.”

hero coverLove cover

Novels are perfect for illustrating subtle ideas but the vast majority of blog readers have no desire to read a post that long.  And so, to deal with this challenge, from time to time I post a short story based on a chapter from one of my novels.

Today’s short story is an abbreviated version of a chapter from the second novel in the trilogy, Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand.

How I Met Cool Steve

boody jr highWhen I graduated from Boody Junior High back in the sizzling summer of 1965, I had one major problem—every time I tried to get the kids to respect me I ended up making more and more enemies.  If you would have asked me back then why respect was important to me, well, I guess I would have muttered a few of my choicest Brooklyn curses and then, well, I guess I would have said, “All I know is that when people treat me with respect it feels good, and when people treat me disrespectfully it feels like I ate something rotten.  So there! Ya wanna make somethin’ out of it?!”

*                                  *                                  *

That summer, I moved to a new neighborhood and I was going to start a new school—Lincoln High. I figured no one knows me there, so this is my big chance to turn myself around.

cycloneMy new neighborhood was pretty cool.  It was just a few blocks from the beach and Coney Island. In ten minutes I could walk to the Cyclone, far and away the greatest roller coaster ever.

And so, I began summer vacation feeling hopeful, but as the new school year began to close in on me, I started getting pretty nervous.  guitar blackAnd when the day before school arrived I’m sitting in my room strumming my guitar while thinking about getting real sick for a few years.  I wonder how long I could play up that angle to avoid school altogether.  My stomach’s been out of whack for the past few days anyway, so it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to take it up another level.

Each lick of my guitar is a pounding of my old enemies, and then, all of a sudden, notions of respect get thrown in as well, creating a wild, pounding drum beat in sync with my wild, pounding heart.  My strumming gets louder.

Hey, maybe I can get some respect for my musical talent.

“Jeff, quiet down in there!” Mom screams.  “For crying out loud, you’re giving me a headache!”

“You’re giving me a headache!” I scream back while throwing my guitar down on my bed.  I storm out of my apartment and pound the elevator call button.  When it arrives, I punch the lobby button and then start kicking the walls.

*                                  *                                  *

Ocean ParkwayOnce in the street, I walk aimlessly as steam hisses out of my ears.  Along Ocean Parkway I pass Lincoln High and shudder.  Under the Belt Parkway overpass I notice pigeons up in the beams hiding in crevices.  As I continued on with my walk, slowly I begin to settle down.

*                                  *                                  *

Well, you can kiss that summer vacation goodbye, I say to myself while setting my alarm clock so I won’t be late for my first day at Lincoln.  Within minutes of shutting my light, worries begin to invade my mind, buzzing about like flies.  Man, school’s gonna suck!

Sleepless minutes go by like hours, and hours stretch out into eternities.  I check my alarm clock at midnight, again at one and two.

ideaAnd then, suddenly, an idea explodes upon me, followed by madly rushing thoughts.  That’s it!  That’s it!  At Lincoln I’ll first play a real quiet type and not reveal anything about myself.  And while I do that, I’ll secretly carry out a careful investigation to determine who the kids at Lincoln already respect.  By keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut, I bet I can learn something useful before the kids get to know me.

dark cloudsBut moments after this plan has rolled in with its initial high hopes, a dark cloud of doubt begins to cast its dismal shadow.  Yeah, well if I carry out that stupid plan everyone’s gonna think I’m just copying the guy everyone respects.  I’ll be nothing but a rotten copycat.

More tossing and turning.  Three o’clock comes and goes.

And then, suddenly I sit up in bed fully awake, and my mind cries out, Wait!  There was this director I worked with in a play once and I remember him saying how a great actor takes what he learns from other actors and then brings something of himself to a role, something that makes it fresh and unique.  Maybe I can create something new based on someone else.  Maybe.

*                                  *                                  *

linclon high2I arrive on my first day at Lincoln at seven-twenty a.m., with a pencil, a loose-leaf notebook, and a sensationally queasy stomach.  Out front students are gathered together in clusters.  So far I don’t see anyone I know.  Good.

Most students are dressed in outfits that appear more freshly bought than what is seen by mid-school year.  The stores offering back to school sales must have had a banner year.

lincoln hallwayThe first bell rings and resonates deep in my unsettled bowels.  In unison, students head for their homeroom.  I look down at my class schedule that I received in the mail a few weeks ago.  It indicates in distinct black typewriter letters that I have to go first to HOMEROOM 324.  Okay, I guess that means I better find a stairway up to the third floor.  Man, I thought my junior high had big crowded hallways.  They were minor league compared to this!

Here’s an up-stairway.  As I traipse along, I try to listen to the conversations going on around me to see if I can find some clue about who the kids respect.  There are a couple of cute girls in front of me.

beatles“Did you see the Beatles last night on the Ed Sullivan show?” asks one.

“Definitely!”

“Who do you like better, John Lennon or Mick Jagger?”

“Oh, John’s my dreamboat!”

“Don’t you think Mick’s cuter?”

It looks like the ladies go for rockers, I think to myself.  Maybe I ought to start practicing guitar more.

*                                  *                                  *

A couple of periods later, I’m heading to biology and some guy behind me says to someone next to him, “Hey, Cool Steve’s in my health class!”

“Cool Steve!  Really?!

“Yeah!  He sat right next to me.”

“Damn!  Hey, tell him I say hi.”

There’s an excitement that accompanies this dialogue that somehow has me going, hmmm.

*                                  *                                  *

Lunchtime.  I’m not really hungry, but my schedule says that’s where me and hoards of others are supposed to go so we find the down stairwell and dutifully march along.

lunchroomHarsh smells of recently mopped floors, day old tuna, sour milk, low grade cheeseburgers, and the like kick my appetite for a loop.

Where should I sit?  Remember to keep a quiet profile.  There are some cool looking kids at this table.   I start to sit down.

“Sorry, we’re saving these seats for some friends,” says one of the guys.

I nod and move on.  Man, I hate school.

Mickey Home runA few tables away, I spot an open seat next to a kid reading a story in Sports Illustrated with a great shot of Mickey Mantle.  The Mick’s neck and forearms are bulging as he’s clobbering a monster home run.

“Anybody got this seat?” I ask while preparing myself for another rejection.

Looking up from his magazine, the guy looks me over for a couple of seconds, and then replies, “Sit down.  I’m Cliff Schweitzer.”

“Hi Cliff, thanks.  I’m Jeff Star.”

“Hi, Jeff. Say, who do you have for history?”

After checking my schedule card, I answer, “Mr. Lofton.”

“Is he any good?”

“I don’t know.  I have him for the first time in a couple of periods from now.”

“I got stuck with Mr. Putzmeister,” Cliff says mournfully.

“Putzmeister!” I reply with a smile.  “That his real name?”

“Yeah, and never was there a more fitting name for a teacher.  I got to get out of there.   He is so boring!”

“Well, it’s history, Cliff.  How interesting can it be?”

“History is my favorite class, Jeff.  My dad’s a history professor at New York University so that’s what we both love.  And now to get stuck with Mr. Putzmeister!”  This kid, Cliff, is digging his fingernails into his forehead like he’s getting ready to commit suicide.

“Try talking ta someone in the office.  All you’re interested in is history?”

“Well, to me, a branch of history is ‘The world of sports,’ and I love sports.  In fact, I’m writing a column for the school newspaper.  It’s called the ‘Sports Scene.’ The first issue comes out on Friday.  Check it out.  Let me know what you think.”

talking2While we’re talking, we hear a kid from a nearby table, yelling, “Ya wouldn’t dare do this ta Cool Steve!  Why ya doing it ta me?”

I turn to Cliff.  “That’s the second time I heard this name, Cool Steve.  You wouldn’t happen ta know him?”

“Yeah, from Cunningham,” he answers, referring to one of the junior high schools that feed into Lincoln.  “I guess most of the kids who know him, know him from there.”

“There seems to be some kind of respect thing connected to him.”

“Respect?  Steve?  Well, yeah.”

“You respect him?”

“Oh, yeah!”

“How come?”

runner“Well, I guess for me it’s got something to do with the fact that he’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.  In baseball he’s got explosive power and a rocket arm, and in football he’s got lightning speed and incredible hands.  He’s… he’s history in the making.  He’s just incredible, I mean incredible! But, um… I got a feeling people would respect Steve even if he wasn’t so great in sports.”  Then Cliff’s voice kind of trails off and he looks like he’s searching for a more complete answer, but before he gets to it, a guy sitting beside him asks to borrow his Sports Illustrated.

“Let me just finish this story,” Cliff responds, and he quickly buries his nose in his magazine.

*                                  *                                  *

pizzaAfter school lets out, I walk to Rocco’s Pizzeria over on Brighton Beach Avenue.  Rocco is fixing up a new pie.  I take in deeply the familiar aroma of baking dough, oregano, cheese, and Rocco’s underarms.

pizza2With two slices in hand, I discover none of the tables are empty.  At one of them is this guy Brainy George sitting by himself with his blond hair looking like it hasn’t been combed in months.  I had met him earlier in the day in my gym class and noticed he sat at the same lunch table as Cliff Schweitzer, the sports writer.  “How come they call him Brainy George?” I had asked one of the guys in gym.

“Da guy’s a freakin’ genius,” came the reply.

With nowhere else to sit, I ask if he’d mind if I sat across from him.

He looks up with these large thick glasses and nods his okay.  “You were in gym today,” he says as I sit down.

“Yeah.”

“I hate gym.”

“You do?”

“Can’t stand it—all the idiots trying to prove they’re Mr. Atlas.”

“Hmmmm.”  Personally, to me gym is a whole lot better than the rest of the garbage we gotta take at school.  Rather than saying this I maintain my quiet portrayal.  The pizza is still a bit hot so I blow on it and take my first bite.  Mmmmm!  “What junior high did you go to?” I ask.

cunnigham“Cunningham.”

“That’s the same junior high as this kid Cool Steve.  I guess ya think he’s an idiot since he’s into sports.”

“Steve?  Naaa.  Steve’s different than the guys I’m talking about.”

“Izzat so?”

“Yeah.  I like Steve because, well first of all, he’s not one of those idiots who pick on me because I can’t run as fast as the other guys.  And I like the way Steve’s gutsy.  He’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes in.  And it’s the way he carries himself… the way he moves.  I don’t know… I… I just have a lot of respect for Steve.”

There’s that word again—‘respect.’  Well, being gutsy shouldn’t be too hard, I think to myself.  Hell, I was gutsy enough to get into lots of fights in my old school.  But I don’t quite know what to make of this stuff about the way Steve moves.

*                                  *                                  *

My second day at Lincoln—the wide-eyed exuberance of students on day one has turned into a ‘Do I really have to be here?’ look.

lincoln high1After finishing my lunch, I go sit on the steps of Lincoln’s main entrance.  It’s warm and the sun is shining.  Several students including Cliff Schweitzer, the sports writer, and Brainy George, the genius, come by and sit down next to me.  With them are these two attractive girls.

I find myself magnetically pulled toward the girls.  How can I get introduced?  Be careful.  You don’t want to blow the quiet image.

I nudge George and conspicuously look at each of the girls.

First, he points to the one closest to him, “She’s Sandy.”  Sandy’s cute, with apricot-tan shoulders, a peachy complexion, and long, wavy, sandy-blond hair.  She glances at me and smiles.

Then George, he points to the girl sitting next to Sandy.  “That’s Mysterious Jane.”

“Mysterious Jane?” I ask.

“Well, they call Mysterious Jane, Mysterious Jane, because she’s strange,” George explains.

She might be strange, I think to myself, but she’s gorgeous.  She has long, straight, glossy black hair that slightly covers her prominent cheekbones, and falls freely upon her voluptuous shouldegreen eyesrs and breasts.  Her green, almond shaped eyes have a thin line of black mascara and perhaps within these glimmering eyes there is a hint of some sort of mysteriousness.

Jane looks at me, gives me a slight nod, and resumes a conversation that she is having with George.

All of a sudden something catches Sandy’s attention and she cries, “Who’s that gorgeous guy?”

Mysterious Jane turns with her large green eyes in the direction that Sandy is looking—down the steps and off to the right.  She lets out a long sigh.  “Oh, that’s Cool Steve.”

“Ain’t he built!” Sandy squeals.  “You know him?”

“Yeah, from Cunningham,” Jane replies.  “All the girls were nuts about him because, well, a lot of the girls say it’s because he’s so cute.  And he is cute, especially his eyes.  I l-o-o-v-e his eyes.”  This is followed by a moan and she then drifts off into another dimension.

Sandy pokes Mysterious Jane, returning her back to Earth.  Jane looks over to Sandy, lowers her voice to an eerie whisper and says, panther“If you want to know the truth, the real reason all the girls are crazy about Steve is because he moves with the grace and power of a large panther, but he has far more power than any panther you’ve ever seen.”

I think to myself, that Mysterious Jane, she’s strange!

Watching Steve down the steps, I can’t notice him moving in any special way.  I do notice that he’s tall with dark eyes and hair, like me.  But compared to me, Steve is broader and has more of a Paul Newman nose.

Well, I refuse to get my nose fixed, but if I put on a few pounds and start lifting weights, I bet it might help.  I’m way too skinny.

“Aaaaa, he’s nothing special,” I declare, feeling a little jealous of the way the girls are looking at him.

“All of the students sitting on the steps turn to me.  “Nothing special,” says Mysterious Jane with a smile, and with that, everyone around me laughs.

*                                  *                                  *

A couple of hours later I’m walking out the south side exit of Lincoln heading home for the day.  Man, I’m pissed!  I can’t believe how much homework that stupid biology teacher gave me!   Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me.  “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about,” Cliff calls out, “well, here he is.”

There, standing by Cliff is Cool Steve with a smile on his face.  As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness.  What’s he smiling about? I think to myself.  Cool Steve!  Cool Idiot if you ask me.  And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve.  I’ve been hearing about you.  The word is you’re a Jerk!”

As I glare at Steve, with his Mack Truck shoulders, my heart pounds furiously.  From the corner of my eye I notice Steve’s friend, Cliff, watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips.  His words from yesterday come to mind—“Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.”

Big deal!  I’m ready to go at him.

I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right.  My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes, and their eyes are flashing back and forth between me and Steve.

Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases.  Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness.  “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the guys would like me.”

Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

My eyes dart to him and back to Steve.  Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead.  The students looking on are almost drooling.  What should I do?

Uncomfortably, I find myself shifting my stance as I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down.  They look like they are on the verge of becoming watery as he looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.  My fury begins to turn into a feeling of downright stupidity.   “Listen Steve, I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked wit’ said you were okay.”  I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and then hurry away.

*                                  *                                  *

A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby.  Jeez, I just made a great impression, I think to myself, a wonderful great impression.  Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I got returned insults and fistfights.  Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic. Now, with the way Steve acted, I don’t know how to respond to his quiet sadness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied bullying conflict management conflict resolution criticism free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum guilt Name calling social intelligence suicide threats

CONFESSION OF A FORMER BULLY

A while ago, my wife and I went to Ithaca to see the emotionally charged play, “From White Plains.” The title is meant to suggest plain white kids from a suburb.  As the lights first brighten the stage, thirty-year old Dennis hears that he has won the Oscar for his film based on the bullying he and his friend faced in childhood.  When Dennis reveals in front of a worldwide audience during his acceptance speech the name of the worst of the bullies whose actions led to his friend’s suicide, the drama begins.

Ethan
Ethan
Dennis
Dennis

Ethan, the former bully, sees the telecast, as does almost everyone in his life, and his smartphone lights up. Although Ethan quickly and publicly issues a heartfelt apology for his actions as a child, the fiercely outspoken Dennis is not in the least ready for forgiveness.

“Why should a two-minute apology be enough to forgive someone that caused the death of my friend and years of my own tormenting anguish?” he cries.

Gregory
Gregory

But Dennis’s friend, Gregory, challenges him to think about his campaign for vengeance.  Increasingly sympathetic to Ethan’s pain from the unrelenting public humiliation that Dennis is leading against Ethan, at one point Gregory emotionally declares to Dennis, “It is you who have now turned into a bully!”

John
John

The plot is further complicated by the dilemma faced by Ethan’s closest buddy, John.  With so much anger being directed toward Ethan, John fears that if he continues to be Ethan’s friend, those who now hate Ethan will also turn against him. Viewers of these scenes, as they watch John, an adult, struggle with this dilemma, get a vivid sense of how much more difficult it must be for kids facing the same type of dilemma whenever they see a friend begin to be targeted by others.  Should they stick with their friend through thick and thin, or join with the larger, more powerful group?

I won’t reveal the rest of the play other than to say it’s very well done.

As I left the theater, I found myself thinking about my own past.  At first, I vividly recalled the times that I was bullied and how I fantasized that I was Superman and used my powers to violently put all of the bullies into the hospital with broken arms and legs.  And then, with angst in the pit of my stomach, I suddenly recalled an incident that occurred when I was in junior high in which I participated in bullying a classmate.

classroomA student in my class, let’s call him Ralph, had a head that was a bit bigger than my other classmates.  Another student began to pass around a sheet of paper with a drawing of a caricature of Ralph with an enormous head standing at a microphone stand giving a speech.  The sheet of paper asked for signatures to nominate Ralph to be “Head of the Class.”  Although I knew Ralph was watching me, I found myself laughing when the paper arrived in my hands.  Not only did I laugh, I ended up signing the petition and passed it on to the student next to me, who proceeded to crack up at the site of the caricature.

school hallwayAfter class, while walking beside Ralph on our way to our next class, I saw from his eyes and forehead that he was feeling pretty miserable.  “Ralph,” I said, “we all get crap from the other kids from time to time.  It’s just the stuff that goes on at school.”

“Yeah, well it doesn’t feel too good,” he replied in a choked-up voice.

“If it makes you feel any better,” I said, “well, I like you.”

With that, I felt that I had done my good deed for the day and the incident was over. The next morning, however, when Ralph showed up in the schoolyard just before the line-up bell, the kids in my class began to once again put him down.  I noticed there was a girl that I knew Ralph liked standing near bschoolyard bullyy.  Although this time I didn’t join in on the teasing, I wanted to speak up and ask the kids to cut it out, but I didn’t have the courage.  I found myself afraid that if I said anything to defend Ralph, the bullying would be turned on me.  And so, feeling like a coward, I kept my mouth shut.

Fifty years have gone by, and I still feel that I hadn’t done quite enough at times for all the Ralphs out there.

As an adult, I now believe that the best hope to deal effectively with the bullying problem is to have programs at school that change the culture so that the actions of bullies signify ineptitude rather than manliness; and that sticking up for a kid who is being bullied is a sign of a real hero (see my post “Bully and Beyond”).

schoolyard bully2But for those of us who went to schools that had no such programs, how are we to deal with the ruminating memories that continue to plague us years after we graduated?   Can we ever forgive ourselves for the actions we committed in our youth?   Can we ever forgive the kids who humiliated us?  Why do some people, having been bullied as kids, turn into bullies themselves the first chance that they get? And finally, why do some people who had bullying experiences as kids instead of converting them into hate somehow manage to convert them into acts of kindness?

Over the next few weeks, I hope readers will help me to make sense of all of this.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger challenge conflict management conflict resolution emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum interpersonal conflicts psychological maturity wisdom

DOES ANGER DO US ANY GOOD?

Most of us know situations in which someone became angry and it made the situation worse.  For example, consider the following Luann comic.

anger luan1anger luan2anger luan3 In the comic, Toni, the girl with blond hair, becomes angry at Miss Eiffel because of the way she was treating her boyfriend, Brad.  In the end, Toni and the guy she cares about are far from happy.

Although expressing our anger can often make certain situations worse, we continue to get angry.  How come?

ANGER AS A RAPID, LIFE-SAVING RESPONSE TO THREATS

Over time, people who didn’t find ways to respond very fast to threats would end up getting killed.  anger bearAt times, this meant that if they saw a vicious animal rushing at them, the best thing they could do is to very quickly fight back either to scare off the attacker who would end up running away or to kill the attacker.

If people would have killed every time they felt a threat to one of their desires, they would end up killing the vast majority of the members in their group.  Because larger groups can defend themselves against attacks better than very small groups, perhaps communities that learned to cooperate provided the best opportunity for its members to survive.

According to this theory, when perceiving a threat people learned to warn others in their community by showing signs of anger.  Their anger became an indication that they were getting increasingly ready to attack and those in their community, when warned of this, attempted to find ways to reduce the threat without the requirement that someone had to be killed.

 Anger can Function to Encourage Help

Many years ago I did a research project when I was a university student.  After I collected the data, I had to enter it into a computer.

Up to this point in my psychology research experience, the first step to enter my data was to punch IBM computer cards.  But the supervisor of the computer room informed me that there had been some recent advances in computer technology and IBM cards were no longer used.  He told me what to do, and I diligently followed his instructions.

anger file3

After typing at the computer for three hours, I felt a static electricity shock and the video screen with my three hours of data input went blank.  My heart started beating hard.  I tapped the screen and wiggled the keyboard.  Nothing!

 anger file1

“What is going on here?!” I shouted in anger.

 anger file2

The guy sitting at the next computer immediately stopped what he was doing and called over the supervisor to help me.  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

After explaining to him that all of the data that I entered had disappeared, he asked if I had been pressing the SAVE button every few minutes to guard against data loss.

“You never told me anything about pressing SAVE when you gave me directions!” I angrily hollered.

“I’m sorry,” he replied.  “I really should have.”

Notice that when I started to get angry, I very quickly got someone to start helping me to figure out what was wrong.  I probably would have gotten the same help if I asked for assistance without shouting, but because angry responses do lead so often to people cooperating when someone does become angry, it encourages us to keep on getting angry.

Although I was angry, I was able to control myself enough and realized that it was not in my interest to either kill or physically harm the supervisor.  Getting arrested would have only wasted more time.  I also realized that I made mistakes from time to time.  Just like I wouldn’t want to be slugged every time I made a mistake, it didn’t seem right to slug this guy for making a mistake.

Of course, there may very well be times when we become angry that our heightened preparedness to engage in fighting can serve a life-saving function.  This was probably more likely to be the case in ancient tribal communities.

OTHER BENEFITS OF ANGER

So far, we discussed three benefits of anger. 1. to respond fast enough with fighting during times when that may be potentially lifesaving,  2. to scare away an attacker, and  3. to give off signals in the community that encourage others to help solve a conflict before any negative consequences from a fight occur.

In our culture there are other factors leading us to think that anger is highly effective for achieving our desires.

Anger 4In this Wizard of Id comic, Bung presents the theory that by making ourselves angry we can increase our strength.  Obviously, just the increase of strength without the skill to use it wisely can lead to some unexpected whacks.

Some coaches believe that by working up anger in the hearts of their players, the players will perform physically better even if the goal is not to kill or physically injure others.

anger 5

Even on tasks that don’t require mighty physical strength to succeed, many people have come to believe working up anger will challenge a person to work harder.

anger 6

ARE THE BENEFITS OF ANGER EXAGGERATED

Although anger can be more effective than some other poorly thought out strategies, often people are led to think it is more effective than it really is.  This is because the negative effects of anger may be hidden.

anger 7In the above comic, Lt. Fuzz expresses anger at Sarge because he is being noisy.  As a result, Sarge secretly becomes angry and desires to annoy Lt. Fuzz.  But Lt. Fuzz only sees Sarge replying to his anger by saying, “Yes Sir.”  And so, Lt. Fuzz comes away thinking Sarge has responded with respect.  He doesn’t see that Sarge actually covertly disrespects him and does things that make Lt. Fuzz’s life miserable.  Here we see a fine illustration of how easily we can be misled into thinking our angry responses work better than they actually do.

MOVING FROM ANGER TO CHALLENGE

Anger can be effective at times.  And often you may find yourself very tempted to let your anger go on an all out attack.  Nevertheless, you would be wise to pause and remind yourself that oftentimes such attacks lead to obvious and hidden problems.

anger challenge imagesChallenge allows you to accomplish all of what anger positively does without anger’s negative consequences.

In brief, challenge has us:

  • Working up a heightened sense of determination to achieve our desire
  • Meanwhile, we consider the twin beliefs that the stress we have been experiencing is normal and fulfillment is not found in easy comfort, security, and routine, but rather in the continual growth in wisdom through what is learned from negative and positive experiences of an active, changing life[1]
  • Then, we take a deep breath and resolve to get down to the task at hand—carrying out a two-step process.

Step 1.  Consider if the most obvious resolution is sufficient.  

In such cases in which you become convinced that the resolution that you came up with poses no serious risks, it makes sense to you, and you feel comfortable with it, the only job you have left is to carry out your plan with charm, courage, and determination.  However, if the most obvious solution does pose a serious risk, or you just don’t feel comfortable with it for any reason, it’s time to go to Step 2.

Step 2.  Carrying out a more complete decision process. 

anger challenge2 imagesThere are numerous benefits that occur when we learn how to transform anger into challenge.  Now I understand perfectly well that for most of us this is far easier said than done.  It is for this reason that in future posts I will be explaining more about what challenge is, discussing many of its benefits and how we can all learn, in a fun way, how to use challenge even in the most difficult of circumstances.

[1] The value of this attitude is discussed in: S. R. Maddi, D. M. Khoshaba, R. H. Harvey, M Fazel, & N Resurreccion, 2011, “The Personality Construct of Hardiness, V: Relationships with the Construction of Existential Meaning in Life,” Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 51(3), 369-388.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.