INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

A few weeks ago I published a post titled CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN. Today, let’s quickly review the ideas presented there, and then move on to discuss a few more.

Review

When one person has a conflict with another person, we call this an interpersonal conflict. An intrapersonal conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

When we describe a conflict using the DIG Conflict Model, the letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and finally, the GUILT. Earlier, we looked at the following example of an intrapersonal conflict:

When we looked earlier at this example, I provided the following tentative description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

It would be simpler to describe this conflict by saying:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this simpler description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future. This skill will help us to prevent similar conflicts from recurring over and over again.

Okay, so there’s our summary in what was presented the last time we discussed intrapersonal conflicts. Let’s now move on to some more advanced ideas.

Advanced Lesson

Whenever we have a conflict with ourselves, we oftentimes present to ourselves some negative criticism. In the above three panels of the Charlie Brown comic, Charlie Brown indicates he has evaluated how he treated his sister and he makes it clear that he doesn’t like what he did. When we evaluate something and state we don’t like what we evaluated, we have provided negative criticism.

In an earlier blog, we looked at providing negative criticism during interpersonal conflicts. We saw that according to the DIG Conflict Model, there are five levels of maturity when it comes to providing negative criticism (see blog post titled, PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY). Level 1 is viewed as the most immature level, and level 2 is viewed as a bit more mature, and so on. Readers of this blog were encouraged to familiarize themselves with the five levels, and then to use them in the following way:

First, they learn to recognize that they are getting ready to provide somebody criticism.

Then they pause to think about how they are likely to provide the criticism.

Then, before they provide the negative criticism, they decide what level of maturity the criticism they are likely to give is at. If it is below level 4, they try to change the criticism so that it matches level 4, or even level 5.

In this example, the man is the employer of the woman who wrote a report. After looking it over, he sees he is likely to provide criticism in a style that would best match level 2, which states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Now, I understand that some of you might feel that the employer deserves a higher rating because he does explain what the offending behavior is when he says the report is stupid. But this just indicates in some vague way that he doesn’t like the report using the insulting word, “stupid.” In my opinion, his comment is not an adequate description of what he doesn’t like about the report to warrant a more mature rating.

Seeing that this type of criticism is a bit immature, the man’s job in this example would then be to try to come up with a form of criticism that matches one of the more mature levels. One of the more mature levels is level 4:

4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

In this example, by pausing and thinking about level 4, the man asks himself to describe his criticism in a clearer, more precise way than shouting “The report is stupid!” To help him to clarify his thoughts, he uses the word “DIG.” Thus, he says to himself that “I desire that in the future this woman who wrote this report will follow the directions that I give her and interfering with this desire is the fact that in this report she did not do so. I think she is guilty of ignoring my directions.”

Having slowed down so he can think about this, the man now decides that the best way to provide the criticism to the woman is to wait until he has managed to calm himself down enough so he can speak to her using a respectful tone of voice and without any insulting words. Then he will go over the first direction he had given to her and ask her to describe how she might have written the report so that he would have seen that the report writer is following his direction. If she is not sure how to respond, he could then explain more thoroughly what he wants when she attempts to follow this direction. After clarifying the first direction, he could go over in a similar way his second direction, and so forth.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only resolution to this employer’s conflict. For example, he could instead assign the best report writer in his company to mentor this employer. The mentor would review each of her reports before she hands them in, show her copies of high quality reports, and so on. The point is that this employer can improve the quality of his criticism by pausing before providing the criticism, thinking about how he is preparing to provide the criticism, comparing it to the five levels of providing negative criticism, and then seeking a way to change the criticism to something that matches a more mature level.

With intrapersonal conflicts we carry out a similar plan as we do with interpersonal conflicts.

Let’s return to our Charlie Brown example:

Here we see that even before first recognizing he is about to provide himself negative criticism, he has already done so. That’s not the end of the world. Many old habits are not easy to change quickly, and if you find yourself slipping into past styles of dealing with conflicts, you need not beat yourself up over this. There are better ways to helpfully carry on.

In our Charlie Brown example, even after having already provided negative criticism, he can still go through the steps we discussed for dealing with interpersonal conflicts. That is, he can first look at how he did criticize himself and then compare it to the five levels of providing criticism. Then, he can pick out which of the five levels best matches his response.

In my judgement, Charlie Brown’s response falls somewhere between level 2 and level 3.

Level 2 states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Charlie Brown, in this example does state what the offending behavior is. That is, he says, “I shouldn’t have yelled at her, she is only a baby.” But to match level 3 his response would have to look like this:

3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

Charlie Brown’s criticism of himself, in my opinion, is not quite clear enough to fully match level three. The fact that he repeatedly says he hates himself seems to be an example of insulting himself so that part of his criticism matches both level 2 and 3.

Once Charlie Brown figures out about what level his response had been, he could then see if he could come up with a response that better matches a more mature response, perhaps level 4, or even level 5.

Attempting to describe interpersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. Similarly, attempting to describe intrapersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. What would that look like? Here’s one way Charlie Brown can do this:

He tells himself,

I desire that I not yell at my baby sister, but the fact that I did has led me to guess that, interfering with my desire, I’m likely to continue yelling at her. I feel guilty for my actions.

Notice that there are no insults in this statement. This statement is an important step toward coming up with negative criticism that matches a level 4 or 5 response. Charlie Brown still must go on from here to come up with a plan that can help him to become less likely to yell at his baby sister. Next week we will begin to look at some plans to help him do just that.

Practice

For those of you who truly want to become a master at dealing with intrapersonal conflicts, I recommend that you now take the time to either print out the five levels of providing negative criticism (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY) or if you don’t have a printer, write them out in any way you can. Then, tape them to your refrigerator door. This week, each time you see them, try to recall some time that you provided negative criticism to yourself. Try to recall just what you said to yourself. Then, try to see what level best matched what you said to yourself, and if it is less than a 4 or 5 level, try to create a response that would match a higher level response. With this type of practice, you will soon see some real progress in your skills to deal effectively with intrapersonal conflicts.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

ANGER, RUMINATION, AND MEDITATION

Recently, I published posts that discussed dealing with your anger that might arise when you are criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2). The techniques that are recommended in those posts can be helpful for those who are upset about what was said. But there are times when we are criticized and we get angry and we kind of think it’s about the criticism, but it really is about something else. Perhaps we realize that if someone else had criticized us in the same way using the same words, we would have been fine about it. Nevertheless, we ended up getting furious because of who said it. We then went home and our anger about what happened just kept coming up again and again. We wish it would just stop, but it doesn’t.

Such ruminations can be helpful. Each time we think over the memory in light of what we have learned since the event first occurred, we might think of some better ways to deal with the conflict. Then, if a similar event does occur, we may find that we are better prepared than if we hadn’t repeatedly mulled it over.

Despite their helpfulness, there are times when again and again an angry memory keeps creeping ever so annoyingly into our consciousness so that finally we conclude it doesn’t seem to be doing us any good.

Margaret was terribly abused by a man when she was a child. She now finds that even though twenty years have passed, each time she begins to develop a promising relationship with a guy, he ends up doing something that somehow reminds her of something that happened during the earlier abusive relationship. She then ends up recalling all that she had suffered. This leads her to act in a manner that is way out of proportion to what the new guy has done. The new guy runs for the hills and the woman, when she has calmed down, wishes she can become less sensitive.

There are several approaches that we will be discussing in future posts to help deal with such disturbing ruminations. Today, we will focus on meditation.

Meditation

For thousands of years people have advocated that sitting comfortably while resting one’s thoughts on a mantra—that is, an object to attend to—can help to ease the burdens of life. Teachers of meditation usually mix in ancient wise counsel as the student learns this beautiful art.

Research has demonstrated that meditation can be helpful for improving empathy, working memory, the ability to focus, and relationship satisfaction, as well as reducing stress, anxiety, and ruminations. Evidence also suggests that mindfulness meditation has numerous health benefits, including increased immune functioning (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx for a review of the research.)

For those who want to give meditation a try before entering into a course or participating in many of the available wonderful retreats, I offer the following.

A SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE FORM OF MEDITATION

jack meditater — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

Set aside about twenty minutes. Preferably, choose a time when you haven’t eaten for at least an hour. This is because right after a meal your stomach begins to work hard to digest what you have just consumed. It is better to wait until much of this is over. This way your body can devote more of its energy for your journey into the deepest levels of your mind.

The only tool you need is a clock or watch so you can know when the twenty minutes are up. Select the most quiet, comfortable place you can find for sitting. With this form of meditation there is no requirement to sit in any unique fashion. If you desire to shift your position at any time, feel free to go right ahead.

Begin by checking the time and then figure out what time it will be when twenty minutes will have passed. Then close your eyes, take a deep inward breath, and as you exhale, let your whole body deeply relax. For approximately thirty seconds, enjoy letting your mind drift wherever it wishes to go.

After the half minute has passed, begin to observe your breathing. This observation of your breath serves as your mantra. Do not try to alter the flow of your breath as you observe it, just observe it. At first you may find that just the act of observing your breathing in and out will result in altering your breathing pattern. This is very natural and a common experience. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing when this happens. As long as you gently seek to observe your breathing without influencing its flow you are doing wonderfully.

Now, as you gently seek to do this, not only will you see yourself at times influencing the flow of your breathing, but you will also find, from time to time, that your attention will drift away from your breath altogether. In fact, it is a common experience. Many of us find that we spend almost no time whatsoever observing our breath as we meditate, our thoughts instead drifting here and there on other matters. Such experiences are a natural part of meditating. You are doing nothing wrong. There is no need to feel guilty.

When you notice that your attention has drifted away from your breathing, very gently see if you can effortlessly return to observing your breath. If you can, do so. If you find that your mind drifts back to something else, this is fine. The whole process is effortless. This is one reason that it is so relaxing. That is, you give your mind something so simple to do that it requires no real effort, and whenever you begin to drift from this no effort task, you accept this as just a natural part of the process without chastising yourself.

As you do this, from time to time check and when you notice that twenty minutes have gone by, take a deep in-breath, exhale, and then give yourself two minutes to let your breath and mind wander wherever they will go. In this way, you ease out of meditation and return to your non-meditative state.

SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Over the years, when I taught people to meditate, the following questions were often asked.
1. Question: How often should I meditate?
Answer: The research demonstrating the effectiveness of meditation has not yet adequately compared those who meditate twice a day to those who meditate more or less. Instead of research, we are guided by tradition and our own experience.

From traditional sources, twice a day appears to be the most common practice. Dr. Herbert Benson, the author of the popular book titled, The Relaxation Response, and a leader in carrying out research on meditation, reports that once or twice a day is sufficient.

I recommend that beginners practice twice a day (preferably before breakfast and before suppertime) for the following reasons. This is what I was taught by a yoga teacher when I first began to practice forty years ago and it has become a comfortable, valued practice for over 40 years. Moreover, I have taught many using this technique and have never seen anyone who expressed harm from this practice. There have been many who have reported dramatic improvements in daily functioning.

2. Question: If I don’t have time to meditate for twenty minutes can I gain some benefits from practicing for less time?
Answer: Dr. Herbert Benson reports that some studies indicate that practicing daily as little as ten minutes per day can produce significant improvements lowering your stress levels. If you find that you don’t have even ten minutes a day to meditate, you might consider that age old adage that the time to meditate is when you don’t have time to meditate.

A young woman once told me that she didn’t have time to meditate even for ten minutes a day. “How much TV do you watch?” I inquired. She smiled sheepishly and after a few seconds of calculating in her mind, replied, “Five hours a night.” She quickly added, “Well, I have to watch my shows!” In my view, this woman would be wise to reset her priorities.

3. Question: How does meditation help to reduce problems involving recurring angry memories?
Answer: As you meditate, among the thoughts that float into your awareness are angry memories. When this occurs, you tend to be in a more peaceful state than usual. The pairing of the memory with this peaceful state allows for a more dispassionate look at the events that had surrounded the original angry episode. This process often leads to a perspective that is experienced as less threatening. And sometimes an insightful plan suddenly emerges with great promise should a similar problem cross your path.

The meditation process has been likened to dying a piece of material. Suppose you have a white sweater and you would like to dye it a nice royal blue. The first time you dip the sweater in the dye solution and let it sit for a while, when you lift it from the solution you might not notice any change at all. Upon soaking the sweater again in the solution, letting it sit for awhile, and then lifting it out, this time you may think you notice a slight change, but you are not sure. You repeat this process several more times and slowly but surely you begin to see the color of the sweater becoming a wonderful hue. In this way, each time you sit in meditation, your anger will ease into something more beautiful.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.