When I first started to teach a graduate course at the University of Minnesota on conflict resolution, from time to time a student would ask me to compare what I was teaching to assertiveness training.

“From what I know about assertiveness training,” I explained, “it teaches a very narrow skill that can be helpful at times, particularly for very shy people. But it doesn’t adequately explain that for different situations alternatives to assertiveness may be the wiser course of action. The DIG Conflict Model that I am teaching provides students a toolbox with several tools that they can choose from. Depending on the situation, one tool can be better than another to increase personal power and wisely resolve conflicts.

“For example, when I was twelve years old, I was playing some basketball in a Brooklyn playground during summer vacation. After the first game, I was very thirsty and I thought about getting a drink at the fountain on the far end of the playground. But while I was playing, I had noticed a couple of bullies over by the fountain giving a hard time to kids smaller than they were. The bullies were clearly bigger than I was.

“Assertiveness trainers, it seems to me, would have me go over to the fountain. If the bullies got in my way, I should just stand up to them, asserting that I want to get a drink.

“Although that is certainly one option that I could have chosen, it risked having the cookies pounded out of me or they might just block my way from getting a drink pushing and shoving me away, I first considered other options. Perhaps I could come up with an approach that would achieve my goal of getting a drink in a less risky manner (see post titled The ABCs OF Power: The Letter B). It quickly occurred to me that my apartment is just a block and a half away. In those days I could run like the wind. So, in two minutes I was back home safely drinking all the water that I wanted. I then filled up a 36-ounce bottle with water and took it with me to the playground so I ended up having plenty of water after the next few games.

“The next day that I played at the playground, I noticed that the bullies were gone. When I went to get a drink at the fountain, I asked some of the kids who were playing there what happened to the bullies. A couple of them told me how they had gotten their big brothers to tell the bullies to cut their crap out. In terms of the DIG Conflict Model, they used the power of creating a coalition (see post titled “The ABCs of Power: The Letter C“) with their big brothers to achieve their goal and it worked. For the rest of the summer we all got our drinks at the fountain without any more conflicts. And so, here is an example in which I believe I teach some skills beyond assertiveness. A conflict was resolved in a satisfactory manner with less danger or hassle than assertiveness.

“Let’s look at another example of how the DIG Conflict Model’s approach differs from assertiveness training. If you are at a movie theater and you want to buy some candy, as long as you manage to go up to the candy counter and purchase what you want, you have pretty much fulfilled all the requirements of being assertive. But when I was a teenager, I worked at a candy counter. I found that some of my customers treated me in a way that was distinctly more pleasant than others who used a cold, impersonal style. As I thought about this, I noticed that the pleasant customers, when it was their turn on line, took a brief moment to look me in the eye and give me a respectful nod of the head. Rather than using a demanding voice that ordered me to get what they wanted, they said in a pleasant voice, ‘Can I have some…’ or ‘I would like some…’ After I got them what they wanted, they again looked me in the eye while thanking me.

“Both styles—the cold impersonal demanding style and the more pleasant respectful style—took the same amount of time and both approaches led to customers always getting the items that they wanted. Nevertheless, the DIG Conflict Model advocates that when we choose an approach to achieve what we want, we consider the golden rule—‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ Since I preferred the more pleasant respectful style when I was serving others behind a candy counter, I began to use a similar approach whenever I went up to a candy counter as a customer. I don’t think assertiveness training encourages people to think in this way.”

The first few times that I responded to the question that asked me to compare what I was teaching to assertiveness training, the questioners seemed satisfied with my answer, and I then went on with the rest of my lesson. But one day, a woman replied to my answer by voicing an objection. “I have taken an assertiveness training class,” she said, “and your description of assertiveness training doesn’t match my experience at all. For example, my instructor advocated being respectful while being assertive.”

Now, I could have asserted over and over again that I was right and she was wrong until she either stopped disagreeing with me or sat down and remained quiet, but I responded quite differently. First, I summarized what I heard her say. After she indicated that she was satisfied that I understood her position, I paused to think about it for a few moments. I then replied, as follows:

“My views about assertiveness training are based, admittedly, on very little experience. I have never actually taken an assertiveness class and learned about it from a couple of professors who both discussed the approach very briefly, maybe in five or ten minutes. One of the professors, for an assignment, had the class read a chapter in a book about the topic and when we met for class afterwards, we discussed what we had read for a few minutes. Therefore, I think it does makes sense that I learn some more about assertiveness so I can give a fairer reply to these types of questions. Thanks for raising this concern.”

The questioner seemed satisfied with my reply, and afterwards, I did take the time to look more carefully at the assertiveness approach. Here’s some of what I found out.

According to a Wikipedia article:

“Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive…. Dorland’s Medical Dictionary defines assertiveness as: “a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person’s rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one’s rights or point of view”.^[1]”

Wikipedia’s section on assertiveness training states:

“The goals of assertiveness training include:^[4]

increased awareness of personal rights
differentiation between non-assertiveness and assertiveness
differentiation between passive–aggressiveness and aggressiveness
learning both verbal and non-verbal assertiveness skills.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is thus distinguished from both aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear of speaking his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive people.”

This article also has a section titled “Communication.” Among the descriptions that are provided is, “Assertive communication involves respect for the boundaries of oneself and others. It also presumes an interest in the fulfillment of needs and wants through cooperation.^[5]”

When I began to flip through a few of the many books on assertiveness, I found that there were numerous approaches offered under this umbrella. Some like, Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes by Duke Robinson, seem to approach the topic from a no-nonsense position. Others, like The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness: How to Express Your Needs and Deal with Conflict While Keeping a Kind Heart, by Sherrie Mansfield Vavrichek, appear to teach techniques that take into account a genuine concern for all involved parties.

And so, in the end, I came to realize that my original description that contrasted my approach with assertiveness was far too simplistic. And when answering the question, Is it wise to be assertive? my answer is, “Often there are some helpful ideas that fall under that umbrella. It is hard to be clear about this because there are simply way too many approaches that are referred to as assertiveness training to give a more definitive answer.

On this blog you will learn many ways to resolve a conflict. None violate principles taught in assertiveness training. Beyond the skills typically taught under the assertiveness banner there are discussions of skills that don’t violate assertiveness ideas, but can powerfully achieve your goals.

———————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

One major situation in which people end up feeling insulted is when someone provides negative criticism.

Rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism in a warm, friendly and helpful manner.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring. If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism. Today’s lesson will help all of us learn to recognize very quickly when some of the more subtle forms of criticism occur.

WHAT IS CRITICISM?

A Dictionary’s Definition of Criticism

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

My Definition of Criticism

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the word negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations. Today’s blog post will focus on negative criticism.

Direct and Implied Forms of Negative Criticism

Some forms of negative criticism are fairly obvious.

When individuals indicate that they don’t like something, they are clearly providing a negative evaluative statement. These types of evaluative statements are forms of direct negative criticism.

When the word “dislike” is used describing one’s reaction to something, it clearly indicates to us that a direct form of negative criticism has occurred. There are several other words that are so clearly associated with “disliking” that they also signal a direct, obvious form of negative criticism has occurred. The words “bad,” “ugly,” “nasty,” “rotten,” “ridiculous,” “stupid, ”or any other adjective that is generally understood to be not liked, indicate direct, obvious, negative criticism has occurred.

In the above Dilbert comic, none of the characters actually use any form of the word “dislike,” but in the last frame, it’s pretty clear that referring to Alice’s plan as “lame” is a form of negative criticism.

Some forms of criticism are not quite as obvious as the direct kind.

In the above comic’s last panel, Dilbert provides positive criticism to Wally while, at the same time, provides indirect or implied criticism to the woman. In the first panel of the comic, Dilbert hadn’t realized he had provided any negative criticism to the woman and only discovers this clearly by the second frame. This comic illustrates that sometimes we provide indirect negative criticism without realizing it. Under some sets of circumstances, this can lead to unintended problems. It is therefore wise to learn to better recognize negative criticism in all of its guises. Three forms of indirect criticism that often go unrecognized as negative criticism are making a request, making a suggestion, and providing levity.

Making a Request

A request is a type of criticism that is not always recognized as criticism. If I request that you change your shirt before we go out, I’m implying that I think that there is something wrong with it. Thus, it implies negative criticism. If I request that you join me for dinner and a show, it implies that I would like to spend an evening with you. Thus, it implies positive criticism.

To get a better sense of this type of implied criticism, consider a scenario in which a dad, mom, and son are preparing for supper. The son’s dinner job is to set the table. Noticing the butter container is almost empty, he decides to take out a new container and place it on the table alongside the almost empty one.

After everyone sits down to have a pleasant meal, the dad, while buttering his bread, finishes the old container. Not noticing the new container is easily within his reach, he says to his son, “Do you mind getting a fresh container out from the refrigerator? I just finished this one.”

Now let’s say that his son responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “A fresh container is right here, Dad.” The dad glances at the new container of butter, nods his head at his son, thus indicating he recognizes his son is correct, and the family then continues on with the conversation.

Most people will not see the dad’s request containing any criticism of his son. The dad is criticizing the table’s condition; that is, he evaluated the condition of the table, and found that it was missing a sufficient amount of butter. Under this set of circumstance, if the dad did not view this as an example of criticism, in all likelihood it’d be no big deal.

But consider a slightly different scenario. This time the dad, in requesting that his son get out a fresh container, although using the exact same words as the first scenario, now has a slight tone of annoyance in his voice? His son interprets this as meaning that his dad thinks he should have anticipated that the almost empty butter container would not be enough for tonight’s dinner, and therefore he should have taken out, along with the old container, a new container. The son, therefore experiences his dad’s slight tone of annoyance as criticism, not just of the table’s lack of butter, but of something he has done. The son replies using the exact same words as he used in the first scenario. However, when he says,—“A fresh container is right here, Dad,”— draws out the word “Dad” to, “D-a-a-d.” And, instead of a matter-of-fact tone, we notice just a hint of straining in his vocal cords. With these two slight changes, the son more clearly indicates that he is becoming defensive and is now criticizing his dad for not noticing the new butter container. At this point, the dad shouts, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!” All of a sudden, the table blows up in an argument.

As I noted earlier, we would do well to learn to recognize all forms of criticism because there are a variety of effective techniques to draw upon, all specifically designed to address conflicts that involve criticism. It is for this reason that the skill to identify indirect, less obvious, forms of criticism can be helpful. To that end, let’s take a look at another type of criticism that often goes unrecognized as criticism.

Suggestions

As with requests, often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion.

Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her back yard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for you coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” exclaims Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Apparently Katrina has a different definition of a suggestion than I do. Given that we have defined “criticism” as evaluating, Katrina, as she provided her suggestion, also provided criticism. She looked over to the plants, evaluated where they were and what shape they were in, and then presented her judgment to Betty.

On this blog, when I use the word “suggestion” in a description of some scenario, it always indicates that the person to whom the suggestion is made is being criticized.

Levity

Tom Greening writes charmingly provocative poems (see for example his wonderful book titled, Words Against the Void). Recently there was an exchange on the internet among a group of folks who are interested in promoting peace in the world. At one point, Tom sent out the following email:

To Milt,
I’m sorry, but I have sold out.
The money and prestige were too hard to resist.
=======================
KILL

A really cool way to have fun
is solving problems with a gun.
Our government has shown the way
and slaughters bad guys ev’ry day.
It’s patriotic, brave and easy,
so don’t be cowardly or queasy.
There is no reason you should wait
to kill the enemies you hate.
A lot of evil folks must die—
don’t waste your time by asking why.

Tom Greening

Now, at one point there was a discussion about whether this was a type of criticism, or was it levity. Sandra Rafman’s comment on this issue eloquently captured my own view. She wrote:

Intrinsic to its humour, Tom Greening’s poetry is implicitly and/or explicitly critical and gives us a critical perspective on important contemporary issues. He also gently invites us to be self-critical. He reminds me to not take myself too seriously but not to not take important issues seriously, Thanks Tom.
Sandra Rafman, Ph.D.
Professeure honoraire
Université du Québec à Montréal
Senior Psychologist
McGill University Health Centre-Montreal Children’s Hospital

Okay! This concludes the introduction to the notion of direct and implied forms of criticism. Whenever requests, suggestions, and providing levity come up in intrapersonal and interpersonal situations, I am suggesting here that you learn to flash a red light in your mind signaling you to stop and to start considering some of the options we have been discussing in this blog.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.