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RESPONDING TO INSULTS WITH QUIET SADNESS

A couple of weeks ago, I provided readers of this blog a post titled, “How I Met Cool Steve.”  There, I told a story from one of my novels about a teenager, Jeff Star.  At one point, Jeff is in an angry mood because his teacher gave him so much homework, and perhaps he is also having some jealous feelings about how much respect the other students have for Cool Steve.  Jeff Star tells us what happens next:

lincoln high1Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me.  “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about,” Cliff calls out, “well, here he is.”

There, standing by Cliff is Cool Steve with a smile on his face.  As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness.  What’s he smiling about? I think to myself.  Cool Steve!  Cool Idiot if you ask me.  And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve.  I’ve been hearing about you.  The word is you’re a Jerk!”

As I glare at Steve, with his Mack Truck shoulders, my heart pounds furiously.  From the corner of my eye I notice Steve’s friend, Cliff, watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips.  His words from yesterday come to mind—“Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.”

Big deal!  I’m ready to go at him.

I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right.  My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes, and their eyes are flashing back and forth between me and Steve.

Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases.  Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness.  “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the guys would like me.”

Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

My eyes dart to him and back to Steve.  Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead.  The students looking on are almost drooling.  What should I do?

Uncomfortably, I find myself shifting my stance as I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down.  They look like they are on the verge of becoming watery as he looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.  My fury begins to turn into a feeling of downright stupidity.   “Listen Steve, I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked wit’ said you were okay.”  I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and then hurry away.

A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby.  Jeez, I just made a great impression, I think to myself, a wonderful great impression.  Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I got returned insults and fistfights.  Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic. Now, with the way Steve acted, I don’t know how to respond to his quiet sadness.

In contrast to the beliefs of many people, the story, “How I Met Cool Steve” puts forth the theory that someone can be respected even if they respond to an insult in a different way than to return the insult or to physically attack the insulter.  calvin argumentAs a boy growing up in Brooklyn, I became pretty acquainted with the typical way to respond to insults.  Most often, voices would get loud, and the exchange led to a very uncomfortable feeling between the two parties.  When the two parties came back together, there were often more uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  From time to time physical fights would break out, school pants got ripped at the knees as one guy tried to pin down the other on the cement ground, and I saw more then one guy end up with a broken nose.  Parents had to take time off from work to meet with the principal, and sometimes the insults led to larger groups ganging up on other groups to defend the honor of someone.

outliersMalcolm Gladwell, in his fine book, Outliers, discusses regions where people are willing to fight in response to even the slightest insult.  He refers to these regions as having a “culture of honor.”  One of the clearest consequences of having an above average “culture of honor” is that the murder rate is quite a bit higher than average.

In the Cool Steve story, there is something about how Cool Steve uses his eyes to negotiate through his challenging experience with Jeff Star.

eyesHow we use our eyes can dramatically influence an experience.  To illustrate this, consider this example.  When I first began to drive in New York, I was astounded that there were times when I was trying to ease over to the left toward my exit, when I would encounter some aggressive drivers. They would lean forward and the expression on their faces seemed to say that they would kill me if I dared to move in front of them.

aggressive driverAs I reflected upon this, I recognized that there were times that I too acted like one of these aggressive drivers.  But then one day, someone began to indicate that he wanted  to move in front of me, and as I started to get into my angry, aggressive mode, the person seeking to move in front of me deliberately caught my eye with his friendly gaze and indicated with his hand that he wanted to move over.  polite driverThere was something in his eyes that seemed to be just asking me if I minded if he moved over, rather than like he was trying to bully his way over.  Instantly, I found my whole self dramatically change.  I quickly eased off the gas peddle and waved him over.  I felt a reduction in my anger.  His eyes somehow let me know that he was not merely an it–but rather, a fellow human being.

Afterwards, I began trying this approach whenever I wanted to move over in heavy traffic, and it has been an enormous help.

sad eyesHow we use our eyes can have similarly helpful effects when someone  throws an insult at you. By looking gently into the insulter’s eyes and softly letting the insulter know you are sorry to hear whatever the insult is about often eases tensions.  Then, if you look sadly down toward the ground for a couple of seconds, and then gently back into the insulter’s eye, this has a way of making a personal connection.

As I began to try this in my teenage years, I was amazed at how well it worked.   At first, I had a little fear that my friends would think less of me, but this proved unfounded.  Occasionally, a friend would say to me, “You should have slugged that guy who insulted you right in the kisser.” I’d shrug my shoulders, and that put an end to it.  All of my old friends stuck with me, and I ended up often becoming friends with the insulters.

Now, some people in my conflict resolution classes over the years have asked, “What’s wrong with standing up for yourself?”

My answer is, “Nothing is wrong with it.  I encourage people to stand up for themselves.  But there are smart ways to do it and not so smart ways to do it.”

Consider the following Luann  comic:

luann insultHere we see Luann preparing to stick up for herself so that as soon as Tiffany throws an insult at her, Luann will be ready to return the insult.  If you are a follower of the delightful Luann comic strip, you know that this back and forth insult pattern has been going on and on for years.  And if two people are fine with continuing to act this way toward one another, they are free to do so.

But let’s say Luann is getting tired of this old game.  If she really wanted to effectively stand up for herself, she would first try to figure out why Tiffany is insulting her.  It has long been my impression that Tiffany is jealous of Luann because some boys prefer Luann to her.  Returning insults at Tiffany won’t resolve that issue.  Gently looking sadly into Tiffany’s  eyes and asking her in a concerned voice why she is throwing insults at her might lead to a more lasting solution to this type of problem.

Now, of course this quiet sadness approach is just one tool to have in your conflict resolution toolbox.  It is not quite right for every situation.  In the past, I recommended a few others (see for example, INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?). We’ll also be looking at other effective ways to stand up for yourself in future posts, ways that oftentimes work far better than returning insults.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

In last week’s post, I presented a lesson on responding to negative criticism that utilized a Luann comic strip.  It was so popular that I decided to once again have Luann help us out; but this time, rather than focusing on the most mature ways to respond to negative criticism, let’s focus on the most mature ways to provide negative criticism.  For those of you who are new to this blog, you may want to first review a couple of my earlier posts that introduce some key ideas (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

First Example

Let’s begin by first taking another look at the same Luann comic that we used last week.

Luann1Luann2

Last week we mentioned that in the above comic Luann appears to have become a little defensive at Bernice’s criticism.  We went on from there to answer the question, “What could Luann do differently to better match a more mature response?”

Now, if you will, think about Bernice’s style of providing negative criticism to Luann.  Is there anything that she could have done differently that would have led you to think she is more mature than how she comes across in the comic strip?

My Answer

Here’s my approach to answering this question. For the most part, Bernice’s actions seem to me to best match the level 4 description—The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning insults, threats, or shouts.

Luann3The first time Bernice speaks, she provides the same negative criticism to Luann that Luann had provided to herself—“You should drop 10 pounds and grow your bust line.”  This can seem insulting, but Bernice was invited by Luann to give her an opinion and I’m not sure Bernice means it as an insult.

Nevertheless, Luann does become a little defensive as a result of Bernice’s comment, leaning over and with her mouth depicted as open wide, she appears to be shouting.  Luann1 If Bernice was to earn full credit for being at level 4, she would show some empathy at this point.

What exactly would  “show some empathy” look like in this situation?  There are a number of styles for this, but here’s one approach for your consideration.

“Luann,” says Bernice, “I know you agreed to wear this outfit in front of a lot of people and you’re worried about how you’re going to look.  Are you OK?”

Then, Bernice listens in a caring manner without interrupting Luann.  Once Luann clearly finishes what she has to say, Bernice summarizes Luann’s comments.  Then she says, “Luann, regardless of whether you decide to wear this costume or not, I, for one, am going to still like you.  I consider you my dearest friend.”

If Bernice would have responded in this manner, I think Luann would have very much appreciated it.

Overall, I think that Bernice, in the comic, does not intend to insult her friend but instead intends to provide her some honest feedback.  Although level 4 does not quite match all that I observed in Bernice’s style of providing criticism, it is a better match than level 3 which requires an obvious attempt at providing an insult.


In rating Bernice’s style of providing criticism to Luann, I gave Bernice 4 points because her actions best matched the level 4 description.  I then subtracted .2 because of her lack of empathy, and her final response about the skimpy outfit had her coming off as slightly insulting. Thus I gave Bernice’s style of providing criticism a 3.8.

Now, this type of rating system, it is important to note, is designed for those people who are providing negative criticism because they hope to encourage some improvement.  In the above comic, it seems to me that the improvement that Bernice is pulling for is to get Luann to change her mind about wearing the demeaning costume. But, perhaps I’m wrong.  There are other reasons why people provide negative criticism besides seeking to encourage some improvement.

In my post, INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE, I provide readers a list of eight major reasons why people provide negative criticism.  In the above comic strip, rather than trying to encourage Luann to make some improvement, Bernice may, instead, have been feeling jealous.  After all, Luann had been asked to wear the costume by someone who is going to put on a big Zeye promotion.  Nobody asks Bernice to wear the costume.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

If jealousy was  the motivation for Bernice’s negative criticism, then my advice to her would be different than if I thought she was motivated to help Luann to make some improvement.  I think I would have suggested that she consider waiting at least a week before providing any negative criticism, thus giving her some time to find a way to sail out of the stormy region of anger on the great sea of conflict.

Second Example

Let’s continue with Luann’s costume story.  Despite Bernice’s comments, Luann decides to go ahead and wear the Zeye outfit at one of the stores in the local mall to promote Zeye Games. Tiffany arrives at the promotion with this cute guy, Quill.  Tiffany and Luann are both very much attracted to him.  In the comic below, you’ll notice that Tiffany begins to provide some negative criticism to Luann.  What rating do you think she deserves?

Luannzeya2

My Answer

When I first read the comic I thought Tiffany’s actions best matched the level 3 description— The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The comments Tiffany makes to Luann in front of Quill, are obviously designed to be insulting.  For example, when Tiffany says, “…I’ve grown past wearing cheesy outfits,” her clear intent is to indicate that she thinks Luann is not as mature as she.

Tiffany’s comments are even more insulting because she is saying it in front of Quill.

As I mentioned above, those of us who had been following the Luann comic strip during the period of time these particular comics appeared, learned that Quill has shown some interest in Luann, and Tiffany is jealous.  As I interpret Tiffany’s negative criticism of Luann, it is not really about the cheesy outfit and how Luann looks in it—it’s about her jealousy.

But, for educational reasons, let’s say Tiffany, in this situation really did want to provide some helpful negative criticism to Luann.  What actions would Tiffany have had to carry out under this set of circumstances in order for her to match the highest level of maturity–level 5?

5.  When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in.  As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

To match this level of maturity, Tiffany, as she begins to feel the desire to provide negative criticism with the intention to encourage improvement, she would start to consider situational and personal variables that are present.  In doing so, she would realize that to negatively criticize Luann in front of Quill could very likely come off as immature, especially if Quill is mature enough to recognize what is obvious to most of the readers of the Luann comic.  She would have had to say to herself, “If I put down Luann in front of Quill, there’s a good chance Quill will see that I’m being mean and that I’m the type of person who does mean things when I get jealous.  If I really think Luann would be better off not wearing the Zeye costume and I really cared about her, I’d ask to speak to her about this in private.”

Third Example

Let’s try one more for now.  Please see what level of providing criticism best matches Quill’s effort to provide Luann a singing tip.

Luannsing1Luannsing2Luannsing3

My Answer 

Quill begins his negative criticism with some positive criticism.  I like that.  Before providing his negative criticism, he first asks Luann if he can give her a tip.  Nice!  After Luann agrees to hear it, Quill gives her very specific instructions that can really make a difference if she desires to utilize it.  Although some people are nearby, Quill appears to be presenting his criticism far enough away from the others so he and Luann have some privacy.  I think level 5 is the best match.

Well, that’s our Name Calling, Insults and Teasing lesson for today.  Have a great week.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism.  Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others.  I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training.  They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions.  This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned.  I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one.  Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Luann1Luann2

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look.  Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism.   Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship.  But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you?  I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach.  Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic.  After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism.  I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say.  I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four.  It is described as follows:

Illustration by Deanna Martinez
Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann1

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive.  I can certainly understand why she has become defensive.  Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice.  One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind.  Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit.  Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Luann5Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann.  In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.”  I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning.  Hmmm.  Let me think about this for a few moments.”  Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is.  Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit.  She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame  of the comic:

Luann2Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes.  In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive.   But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice.  She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern.  I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

Burkas“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public.  To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning.  These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes.  The outfits are called niqabs and burkas.  I think they are demeaning to women.  When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis.  When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK.   So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more.   It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice.  What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought.  By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann.   In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations.  There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature.  My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right!  There’s your lesson for today.  From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

One major situation in which people end up feeling insulted is when someone provides negative criticism.

peanuts opium

dilbert criticism 1

Rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism in a warm, friendly and helpful manner.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring.  If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz
Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

female-criticsm

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism.  Today’s lesson will help all of us learn to recognize very quickly when some of the more subtle forms of criticism occur.

WHAT IS CRITICISM?

A Dictionary’s Definition of Criticism

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE  2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

My Definition of Criticism

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in capital letters.  This is the main idea regarding this concept.  Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

lUANN CRITICISM 1

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the word negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations.  Today’s blog post will focus on negative criticism.  

Direct and Implied Forms of Negative Criticism

Some forms of negative criticism are fairly obvious.

dilbert 2

When individuals indicate that they don’t like something, they are clearly providing a negative evaluative statement. These types of evaluative statements are forms of direct negative criticism.

When the word “dislike” is used describing one’s reaction to something, it clearly indicates to us that a direct form of negative criticism has occurred.  There are several other words that are so clearly associated with “disliking” that they also signal a direct, obvious form of negative criticism has occurred.  The words “bad,” “ugly,” “nasty,” “rotten,” “ridiculous,” “stupid, ”or any other adjective that is generally understood to be not liked, indicate direct, obvious, negative criticism has occurred.

dilbert A

In the above Dilbert comic, none of the characters actually use any form of the word “dislike,” but in the last frame, it’s pretty clear that referring to Alice’s plan as “lame” is a form of negative criticism.

Some forms of criticism are not quite as obvious as the direct kind.

dilbert indirect

In the above comic’s last panel, Dilbert provides positive criticism to Wally while, at the same time, provides indirect or implied criticism to the woman.  In the first panel of the comic, Dilbert hadn’t realized he had provided any negative criticism to the woman and only discovers this clearly by the second frame.  This comic illustrates that sometimes we provide indirect negative criticism without realizing it.  Under some sets of circumstances, this can lead to unintended problems.  It is therefore wise to learn to better recognize negative criticism in all of its guises.  Three forms of indirect criticism that often go unrecognized as negative criticism are making a request, making a suggestion, and providing levity.

Making a Request

A request is a type of criticism that is not always recognized as criticism.  If I request that you change your shirt before we go out, I’m implying that I think that there is something wrong with it.  Thus, it implies negative criticism.  If I request that you join me for dinner and a show, it implies that I would like to spend an evening with you.  Thus, it implies positive criticism.

To get a better sense of this type of implied criticism, consider a scenario in which a dad, mom, and son are preparing for supper.  The son’s dinner job is to set the table.  Noticing the butter container is almost empty, he decides to take out a new container and place it on the table alongside the almost empty one.

butter 1butter 2

 

 

 

 

After everyone sits down to have a pleasant meal, the dad, while buttering his bread, finishes the old container.  Not noticing the new container is easily within his reach, he says to his son, “Do you mind getting a fresh container out from the refrigerator?  I just finished this one.”

Now let’s say that his son responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “A fresh container is right here, Dad.”  The dad glances at the new container of butter, nods his head at his son, thus indicating he recognizes his son is correct, and the family then continues on with the conversation.

butter 3

Most people will not see the dad’s request containing any criticism of his son.  The dad is criticizing the table’s condition; that is, he evaluated the condition of the table, and found that it was missing a sufficient amount of butter.  Under this set of circumstance, if the dad did not view this as an example of criticism, in all likelihood it’d be no big deal.

But consider a slightly different scenario.  This time the dad, in requesting that his son get out a fresh container, although using the exact same words as the first scenario, now has a slight tone of annoyance in his voice?  His son interprets this as meaning that his dad thinks he should have anticipated that the almost empty butter container would not be enough for tonight’s dinner, and therefore he should have taken out, along with the old container, a new container.  The son, therefore experiences his dad’s slight tone of annoyance as criticism, not just of the table’s lack of butter, but of something he has done.  The son replies using the exact same words as he used in the first scenario.  However, when he says,—“A fresh container is right here, Dad,”— draws out the word “Dad”butter 4 to, “D-a-a-d.”  And, instead of a matter-of-fact tone, we notice just a hint of straining in his vocal cords.  With these two slight changes, the son more clearly indicates that he is becoming defensive and is now criticizing his dad for not noticing the new butter container.  At this point, the dad shouts, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!”  All of a sudden, the table blows up in an argument.

As I noted earlier, we would do well to learn to recognize all forms of criticism because there are a variety of effective techniques to draw upon, all specifically designed to address conflicts that involve criticism.  It is for this reason that the skill to identify indirect, less obvious, forms of criticism can be helpful.  To that end, let’s take a look at another type of criticism that often goes unrecognized as criticism.

Suggestions

As with requests, often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion.

Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her back yard.  The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song.  As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz
Illustration by Lois Hubertz

 

 “Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion.  Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge.  They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for you coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” exclaims Katrina.  “I didn’t criticize anything!  All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Apparently Katrina has a different definition of a suggestion than I do.  Given that we have defined “criticism” as evaluating, Katrina, as she provided her suggestion, also provided criticism.  She looked over to the plants, evaluated where they were and what shape they were in, and then presented her judgment to Betty.

On this blog, when I use the word “suggestion” in a description of some scenario, it always indicates that the person to whom the suggestion is made is being criticized.

Levity

Tom Greening writes charmingly provocative poems (see for example his wonderful book titled, Words Against the Void).  Recently there was an exchange on the internet among a group of folks who are interested in promoting peace in the world.  At one point, Tom sent out the following email:

To Milt,
I’m sorry, but I have sold out.
The money and prestige were too hard to resist.
=======================
KILL

A really cool way to have fun
is solving problems with a gun.
Our government has shown the way
and slaughters bad guys ev’ry day.
It’s patriotic, brave and easy,
so don’t be cowardly or queasy.
There is no reason you should wait
to kill the enemies you hate.
A lot of evil folks must die—
don’t waste your time by asking why.

Tom Greening

Now, at one point there was a discussion about whether this was a type of criticism, or was it levity.  Sandra Rafman’s comment on this issue eloquently captured my own view.  She wrote:

Intrinsic to its humour, Tom Greening’s poetry is implicitly and/or explicitly critical and gives us a critical perspective on important contemporary issues. He also gently invites us to be self-critical. He reminds me to not take myself too seriously but not to not take important issues seriously, Thanks Tom.
Sandra Rafman, Ph.D.
Professeure honoraire
Université du Québec à Montréal
Senior Psychologist
McGill University Health Centre-Montreal Children’s Hospital

male criticismOkay!  This concludes the introduction to the notion of direct and implied forms of criticism.  Whenever requests, suggestions, and providing levity come up in intrapersonal and interpersonal situations, I am suggesting here that you learn to flash a red light in your mind signaling you to stop and to start considering some of the options we have been discussing in this blog.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.