Tag: anger

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JERRY SEINFELD, KRAMER, INSULTS AND THE N-WORD

Over the past couple of months on this blog in weekly posts I have been discussing criticism.  This past week on the internet I came upon an episode of Jerry Seinfeld’s internet show “Comedians in Car Getting Coffee.”  There, Jerry and his fellow comedian, Michael Richards, discuss a very unfortunate incident that dramatically illustrates some of the ideas I’ve been trying to convey to my readers.

As most of you know, one of the most popular TV comedy series in history is “Seinfeld.”

And one of the funniest characters on the show is Kramer, played by Michael Richards.

After the cast stopped making new episodes, Michael began to perform as a standup comedian.  One night, about seven years ago, a black man interrupted Michael’s  act and criticized him, saying, “You’re not funny.”  Michael, according to his own words that he expressed during a nationally televised apology, went into a rage and used the N-Word to insult the black man.

Now, in posts on this blog I have made the argument that when responding to criticism there are five levels of maturity (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).  I am now going to describe the five levels, and as you look them over, see if you can identify which level best describes how Michael handled the criticism he received during his act.

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

5. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

YOUR ANSWER, PLEASE

After looking over the description of the five levels, which best matches the response that Michael used to respond to the criticism he received at the comedy club?  After you decide, you get to compare your answer to mine.

MY ANSWER

Level 2 strikes me as describing best Michael’s response.  Referring to a black person with the N-Word strikes me as seeking to insult the person.  His response is viewed as one of the lowest levels of maturity for a variety of reasons already discussed on this blog.  In this particular case, we readily see what kind of harm can occur when we respond in this way.  Michael, on Seinfeld’s internet show, describes how he has been unable to work for seven years after the event took place.  “I busted up after that event.  It broke me down.  It was a selfish response.  I took it too personally, and I should have said, ‘You’re absolutely right.  I’m not funny.  I think I’ll go home tonight and work on my material.'”

If Micheal had responded as he said he should have, what level would that have been?  I think level 4 is a pretty good match.  If Michael did respond at level 4, the past seven years would have been dramatically better for him.

Now, I’m not attempting to suggest that every time someone responds to criticism as Michael did such awful things occur.  In most cases that you might respond in an immature way, people just become  angry and lose a little respect for you.  But sometimes even worse things happen to someone who responds to criticism with insults, as the Michael Richards’ case illustrates.  And sometimes even worse things happen then what happened in the Michael Richards’ case.  There are cases when the insults led to an escalation of a conflict until people turned violent and were murdered.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism encouraging caring guilt guilting negative criticism psychological maturity wisdom

GUILTING VERSUS ENCOURAGING CARING: AN ADVANCE LESSON

Last week’s post is titled, AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING.”  There we compared “GUILTING” to “ENCOURAGING CARING.”  Both are different styles of making a request and reacting if someone refuses to help.

GUILTING 

People using guilting express sadness at the current state of affairs and then ask for assistance.  Upon having a request turned down, the person who employs guilting responds in anger while seeking to lower the refuser’s self-esteem and making the refuser feel deserving of punishment.  People using guilting typically shout out phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?” Here’s an example of guilting:

ENCOURAGING CARING

People using encouraging caring make their requests very much like those who use guilting.  As they ask others to help, they express sadness at the current state of affairs.  However, unlike those who use guilting, those who use encouraging caring seek a mutually satisfying solution.  If their request is turned down, they don’t view the refuser as evil and deserving of punishment.  To seek to humiliate those who turn down their requests is avoided, while showing empathy and support are essential. Here’s an example of someone using encouraging caring:

Defending Encouraging Caring

To those of you who simply intuit that encouraging caring is a more powerful plan when making requests than guilting, you require no additional arguments to put it to good use.  To the skeptics out there, and to those who enjoy employing principles of science to assist in verifying your belief, the following study provides some relevant information.

Data from a University Study

In the autumn of 1981, I hired four student actors at the University of Minnesota, two guys and two gals.  We met at a well-equipped film studio on campus.

First, I had one of the actors, Pete, enact a guilting scenario.  Two scenes were used.  The first shows the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses guilting whenever someone turns down his request.  In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down Pete replies angrily:

The second scene, which depicts Pete making a new request, is very similar to the “calculus test help” situation we looked at earlier. The subjects in the study who observed this first videotape saw a scene showing how Pete typically responds to someone who turns down his requests.  They then observed the second scene in which Pete makes a new request.  The subjects in the study were to imagine that Pete is a guy whom they knew typically uses guilting and is now making this new request directly to them.  The subjects’ job was to enact the role of a friend of Pete and to imagine how they would respond to this new request. After completing this two-scene guilting videotape, we got to work on a second two-scene videotape.  This one has Pete enacting an encouraging caring scenario.  It begins by showing the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses encouraging caring whenever someone turns down his request.  In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down, Pete replies sadly:

Once this scene was created, I used the exact “new request” scene as I used on the first videotape that depicts Pete requesting help for the calculus test situation.  Thus, this second videotape has a different first scene than the first videotape, but the exact same second scene that shows Pete requesting help of the viewer who was to enact the role of Pete’s friend. The third videotape that we created is designed to depict another guilting scenario, one that uses the request for a timelier car ride situation that we discussed earlier. The fourth videotape we worked on is designed to depict an encouraging caring scenario using the same request for a timelier car ride situation. Once this set of four videotapes was made, I then had the three other actors make the same set of four videotapes as Pete did, so in the end I had four actors portraying the four different scenarios. Once I had the videotapes made, I arranged for University of Minnesota students, 139 men and 109 women, to come to a viewing theater.  Each student saw just one of the sixteen videotapes, randomly chosen. Because the actor making the request in the video had pretended as if the camera is the person for whom the request is made, he or she appears to be addressing the student viewing the videotape.  As I already mentioned, the job of each student observing the videotape was to enact the role of the friend to whom the request is being made. Immediately after observing the request, students individually answered five questions.  The results of the study indicated that those students who saw the encouraging caring videotapes answered all five questions more favorably than students who saw the guilting videotapes and these differences were statistically significant. Thus, students indicated that they would be more likely to comply and less likely to become covertly and overtly angry with those who tend to use encouraging caring than those who tend to use guilting.  Moreover, guilters were less liked and were viewed as less respected for how they handle conflict than those who used encouraging caring.

Encouraging Caring: A Secret Source of Power

I’ve just provided some information about why I think encouraging caring can often be more effective than guilting.  We now take up the question of why I think encouraging caring is a secret. When teaching conflict resolution, I frequently employ the following technique:  The class is given a typical conflict and asked to generate plans that might help to resolve the conflict.  I have found that although guilting is regularly suggested, encouraging caring almost never is.  When I have suggested it as a possibility, students have often looked puzzled, and sometimes asked, “Isn’t that the same thing as guilting?” During counseling sessions, I’ve also found that the availability of encouraging caring to deal with conflicts seems to be a secret to many people.  Here’s an example:

Patricia (not her real name), a 21-year old university student, came to the counseling center expressing a concern about her relationship with her mother with whom she lived.  Patricia desired to make her own decisions, but whenever she tried to do this, her mother fervently interfered.

“Patricia,” I said, “what do you think would be the best way to respond to your mother the next time she begins to insist on pushing you in a particular direction?”

“My friends tell me to learn to be assertive.  I read a book on it, and I’ve tried some of the ideas.  In some situations it’s helped but not with me and my mom.  Lately, my friends are coaching me to practice saying in a strong voice, ‘Mom, I’m going to make up my own mind!  I don’t want any advice from you unless I ask for it!’”

“Does your friends’ advice make sense to you?”

“In a way, it does.  The thing is, there’s no way I could ever say that to my mom.”

“Hmm.  Well, what do you think is the best way to go from here?”

“I’m feeling stuck.  I’m hoping you can help me to come up with some idea.”

“Well, I suggest we try practicing a style I call ‘encouraging caring.’  You don’t have to make any commitment to me that you’ll try this with your mother, but if you try it out with me in a role play a few times, maybe it will feel more comfortable to you than your friends’ suggestion.  Would that be okay?”

“I’m willing to give it a try.”

“Good.  I’m going to play the part of your mother.  I’ll start to give you some advice, and I’d like you to consider saying, in a sad voice, ‘Mom, I’ve been feeling sad lately.  I love you very much, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and yet I feel that it’s best for me to make my own decisions.  Every time I try, you start to feel frustrated.’ “When you say that, Patricia, I’m going to act like I’m becoming defensive.  If this makes sense to you, I’d like you to practice replying sadly, ‘I’m not putting you down, Mom.  It’s just that I’ve been feeling so sad about this.  I really do love you.’”

“That sounds a little like guilting.  I don’t want to learn to be a guilter like my mom.”

I then explained to Patricia the difference between guilting and encouraging caring.  It was like a light went on in her head as she smiled broadly.  I gently posed a few questions for her to make sure she understood the difference, and within a few minutes she convinced me that her understanding was sound.

After a few practice role plays, Patricia expressed a high degree of confidence that she could try this with her mother. The next time I saw her, Patricia reported with a smile on her face that she was able to try encouraging caring with her mom the night of our last session.  It turned out that she and her mother ended up having a good cry together, and since then, her mother had begun to encourage her to be more independent.

We practiced a few more role plays that session, trying to anticipate what might be a response that remained consistent with the encouraging caring style in the event that her mother began to again become too pushy.  We also worked on a little note that Patricia wrote to her mother thanking her for being so understanding.  During our discussion, Patricia decided to get her mother a little gift to go with the note without my suggesting such a gesture.

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ASSIGNMENT: If you will, see if you can remember a time when you requested some assistance and was turned down. Think about how you responded? See if you can imagine replying in a way that matches the encouraging caring approach.
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 Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
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AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

To become a master at responding to criticism, we have to first learn to recognize the reason for the criticism. So far we have discussed five of them:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see HERE and HERE)
  2. Playful teasing (see HERE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see HERE)
  4. Jealousy (see HERE)
  5. The criticizer is in a bad mood (see HERE)

Today we will turn our attention to a sixth reason–“guilting.”

GUILTING

In the above comic, Blondie criticizes Dagwood for not agreeing to go to the party.  She does so by crying out, “How can you do this to me?!” and by bursting into tears.  Her technique to convince Dagwood to do what she wants despite his determination manages to work.

Blondie’s actions are an example of what we will be calling “guilting.”  It occurs when somebody who has had a request turned down seeks to change the person’s mind by tossing out certain types of insults.

You may have heard what I refer to as “guilting” as “laying a guilt trip on someone” or “imposing guilt on someone.”

As in the Blondie comic, sometimes guilting can indeed change somebody’s mind.  On the other hand, sometimes imposing guilt on someone can hurt a relationship.

The two above comics pose an  interesting dilemma.  On the one hand, under some sets of circumstances we can often increase the probability that our desire will be fulfilled by employing a plan that makes someone feel guilty.  On the other hand, using such a plan may hurt our reputation and end up costing us valued friends.

An Alternative to Guilting

Early in my career I began to wonder if I could tweak the “guilting” plan so that it would reduce the probability of negative consequences.  I had recently read a book by Joan Bondurant, Conquest of Violence: The Gandhian Philosophy of Conflict.  There Ms. Bondurant tells us that many believe Mohandas Gandhi’s style of appealing for help is particularly effective.

Gandhi

Gandhi recognized that we all have desires, some selfish and some supportive of those we care about.  He also saw that there are people whose actions either interfere with our desires or help to fulfill them.  As we ask others to help, he believed it is acceptable to express sadness at the current state of affairs and to seek a mutually satisfying solution.  If our request is turned down, it is not acceptable to view the refuser as evil.  To seek to humiliate those who turn down our requests is forbidden, while showing empathy and support are essential.

To get a sense of Gandhi’s approach in action, consider an example taken from his autobiography.  One day, in an effort to bring to light some injustice that had been occurring in South Africa, Gandhi sought help from the newspaper editor of The Bangabasi. 

The editor kept me waiting for an hour.  He had evidently many interviewers, but he would not so much as look at me, even when he had disposed of the rest.  On my venturing to broach my subject after a long wait, he said: ‘Don’t you see my hands are full?  There is no end to the number of visitors like you. You better go.  I am not disposed to listen to you.’  For a moment I felt offended, but I quickly understood the editor’s position.  I had heard of the fame of The Bangabasi.  I could see that there was a regular stream of visitors there.  And they were all people acquainted with him.  His paper had no lack of topics to discuss…. However serious a grievance may be in the eyes of the man who suffers from it, he will be but one of the numerous people invading the editor’s office, each with a grievance of his own.  How is the editor to meet them all?… But I was not discouraged.  I kept on seeing editors of other newspapers.

Upon being turned down, Gandhi remained supportive and empathetic toward the editor.  “Experience has taught me,” Gandhi explains later in his autobiography, “that civility is the most difficult part of Satyagraha [his philosophy].  Civility does not here mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inborn gentleness and desire to do the opponent good.  These should show themselves in every act of a Satyagrahi.”

Contrast the above style, which I will hereafter refer to as encouraging caring, with guilt.  The Dictionary of Behavioral Science (Wolman, 1973) defines guilt as, “The realization that one has transgressed a moral, social or ethical principle, associated with a lowering of self esteem and a need to make retribution for the transgression” (italics mine).

In the guilt definition, the two sets of words that I put in italics represent the crucial differences between encouraging caring and a strategy that I will refer to as guilting.  If Blondie uses guilting on Dagwood because he is resisting complying, she will respond angrily while attempting to lower his self-esteem and make him feel like he is deserving of punishment for his actions.  Consistent with guilting is the use of phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?”

In contrast, if Blondie was to use encouraging caring, she would express sadness while seeking to enhance Dagwood’s self-esteem as he comes to feel a sense of compassion within himself, a compassion that leads to a sense of satisfaction as they strive together toward a mutually satisfying solution.  As I envision this, it looks something like this…

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Because Blondie is in an ongoing relationship with Dagwood, when she decides to use guilting on him, she doesn’t always have to say the words that indicate she is employing guilting.  After she has used it a few times with him, just the tone of her voice or even a certain look may be enough to fully indicate to Dagwood that she has decided to use guilting in the current situation.

Similarly, if Blondie happened to be the type of person who uses encouraging caring on an ongoing basis, she would not have to convey to Dagwood, in a long-winded speech, everything that makes up this supportive style each and every time she decides to use it.  An expression of sadness with a few supportive words would be sufficient.  The best time to convey the attitudes that make up the encouraging caring approach is during pleasant discussions, rather than when embroiled in a personal conflict.

To be effective and convincing, Blondie must not suddenly switch to guilting whenever she sees her encouraging caring request style is not going to work.  That is, suppose after Blondie tries to use encouraging caring for a few minutes she finds that Dagwood insists on not going to the costume party.  If Blondie suddenly cries out, “You’re a selfish jerk!” Dagwood would know from then on that when she appears to be using encouraging caring, she is just putting on an act, and her real attitude is that she views him as guilty whenever he does not comply with her request.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  Suppose Blondie consistently uses encouraging caring.  One day she asks Dagwood to go to a costume party and he turns her down.  She is very supportive, though disappointed.  Dagwood may find himself feeling guilty for refusing to go to the party.  Just because Dagwood feels guilty doesn’t mean Blondie has used guilting on him.  It is quite common for someone to have feelings of guilt upon turning down a request even when the requester consistently uses encouraging caring.  However, in such cases the refusers do not believe the requesters are seeking to make them feel guilty.  Guilters are viewed as deliberately trying to make refusers feel guilty.

Some Practice

Here’s a comic that displays a college student making a request of a friend.  See if you can identify whether the woman’s style of making a request is more consistent with guilting or encouraging caring.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In this comic, Diane expresses sadness about coming to class late and requests that Tom pick her up on time.  When he refuses to make a commitment to do as she asks, she remains supportive.  Diane’s actions are consistent with the encouraging caring plan.

It’s crucial to point out here that even with all that Diane does in this comic, a slight change in the end could turn it into guilting.  For example, suppose that after becoming convinced that Tom will not do as she asks, she gets up to leave and yells at him, red faced, “You’re a selfish creep!”  Guilty of guilting would be my conclusion.

Encouraging Caring and Resignation

Some people make the mistake of thinking that to use encouraging caring effectively people must learn to resign themselves to doing nothing else but graciously accepting it when a person turns down their requests.   In many situations that is the wisest choice.  But there are many alternatives that can be considered that are consistent with the supportive encouraging caring plan.  For example, when Diane sees that Tom has turned down her request, she can offer something in return for compliance.    That is, after Tom turns her request down, she can say something like, “Yeah, punching a clock can be a drag, Tom.  What if I were to give you the money I spend on the morning bus ride in exchange for the ride to school?  That’s two dollars a day—ten dollars a week that can help you with the gas money.  I’d get a good looking guy to pick me up right at my door, and you’d get my great company, ten dollars a week, and the satisfaction of helping me out.  What do you say?”

Notice that Diane’s use of this new plan proposes a mutually satisfying solution.  Thus it is consistent with encouraging caring.

Negotiation is a process of communicating back and forth for the purpose of reaching an agreement (see Harvard Negotiation Project to learn more about this topic).  There are several forms of negotiation methods that are consistent with encouraging caring.  Mutual gains bargaining, principled negotiations, and negotiations on the merits are some names of methods that encourage the negotiators to avoid such behavior as blaming the other party for the problem, engaging in name-calling, or raising your voice.  As the authors (R. Fisher and W. Uri) of the classic text on this type of negotiation writes:

Blaming is an easy mode to fall into, particularly when you feel the other side is indeed responsible.  But even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive.  Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. They will cease to listen, or they will strike back with an attack of their own.  (Getting to Yes, page 25)

Learning to negotiate is an important part of conflict resolution, and we will return to this topic in future blog posts.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied child discipline conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence negative criticism parenting types of criticism William James wisdom

TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

For the past few weeks we have been discussing how to deal with criticism.  As I have noted, because criticism is often accompanied by name calling, insults, threats, and even violence, it can be very hard to handle.  Even when criticism is provided in a more supportive manner, threats to our desires to be liked and to be free to do whatever we want can arise, bringing with them feelings of frustration, defensiveness and anger (see post titled WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?).

Because these feeling can be so very strong, simply reading about mature ways to respond to criticism, although oftentimes helpful, is not enough to become a master at dealing with criticism.  I have therefore been encouraging exercises that lead us to practice the skills sufficiently so that they become so second-nature to us that even in the most stressful situations we can expertly carry them out.  One of the best ways to practice these skills is to teach them to children.

Teaching Children to Handle Criticism

You notice your five-year old is not making his “B” correctly.  “That’s not quite right,” you say.  “Here, watch me.”

As you begin to demonstrate, your child becomes defensive, crumbles up the paper, and shouts, “I hate you!  I hate you!  I hate you.”

“How dare you speak that way to me!” you respond.  And the conflict escalates from here.

A parent is often confronted with what William James liked to call the “balky will.”  Certain children, if they do not succeed immediately in doing something just right and are then criticized, flare up in anger and refuse to cooperate.  Such children are oftentimes treated as sinful and are punished; or else the parent pits his or her will against the child’s will.

John Wesley
John Wesley
William James
William James

Some have argued that children should be forced to do as they are told, even if one has to whip them ten times running.  “Break its will, in order that his soul may live!” exclaimed John Wesley, an eighteenth century theologian.  But William James disagreed.  “Such will breaking is always a scene with a great deal of nervous wear and tear on both sides, a bad state of feeling left behind it, and the victory not always with the would-be will breaker.”

When a situation of this kind occurs, and the child is all tense and excited, James believed that it is best to drop the subject for awhile.  Direct the child’s mind to something else, and then, a little later on, bring it up again.  As likely as not, the child will go over it now without any difficulty.

“It is in no other way that we overcome balkiness in a horse,” said James.  “We divert his attention, do something to his nose or ear, lead him around in a circle, and thus get him over a place where flogging would only have made him more invincible.”

Of course, nothing works perfectly all the time, and this technique is no exception.  I have found that I can greatly increase the success rate of James’s approach by playing a game with children called “Criticism.”  It can be played during car rides, walks in the neighborhood, and waiting for the food to come in a restaurant.  To teach your children the game you first have to go over the first four levels of responding to criticism.  Let’s take a look at these levels:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

Level 1 is viewed as the most immature, and each higher level is viewed as more mature (see HERE and HERE for an explanation of how this model was developed as well as the evidence that utilizing the higher levels lead to more respect by others.

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Using This Model to Teach Children To Deal With Criticism

It’s important to tell the children first not to worry if they remember everything you are about to tell them because once you start to play, they will catch on before long.

To introduce this game, I like to use the Peanuts comic that has Charlie Brown criticizing Sally’s swirls and Sally getting defensive.

In this comic, when Sally hears Charlie Brown’s criticism of her swirls, it’s not long before Snoopy’s shades are sent flying.

Once you explain what criticism is and then go over the four levels of responding to criticism, you describe a situation in which Charlie criticizes Sally and Sally responds.  Then the child guesses what level Sally’s response was at.  So, in addition to the example depicted in the above comic, I could say, “Charlie says to Sally, ‘Those sneakers you’re wearing are ugly.’  Sally responds by saying, ‘Oh yeah?!  Well what do you know about sneakers?  You’re the worst dresser around here, you jerk!’  What level is Sally at?”

After you discuss the child’s answer, then role-play with the child the situation so that you provide the criticism and the child acts out a level four response.  If the child fails to do this correctly, reverse the roles by having the child criticize you and you provide the level four response.  Then let the child try to imitate your level four response.

I have found that kids, rather quickly, get a thorough understanding of the four levels by playing this game.  Once they do, during a typical day I catch them responding to criticism.  When I do, I ask them to rate the level of their response.  I also try to catch them using a level four response, and then I play up like it’s a big deal that such a young kid can be so mature.

One way to come up with fun descriptions of a character being criticized and another character responding, is to cut out newspaper comics that depict these kinds of scenarios.

Or you can go to the top of this page where it says “Free Book: Dealing with Insults, Teasing, and Criticism” and click on it. This will permit you to download a free PDF book that utilizes, to teach these skills, many of the comics kids of all ages love.

In addition to James’s approach of dropping the subject for awhile and my approach of playing the “Criticism” game, there is one more crucial point I shall make here about teaching children to handle criticism.  Children are very dependent on their parents.  There is a theory that in the back of the minds of children they are aware of their dependence.  They somehow realize that without their parent’s support they would be in big trouble and this is associated with anxiety and even terror.  Each time children are criticized by their parents, it brings this fear to the fore of their thoughts, and they can only take so much of it without attempting to banish this fear, either by running away, dreaming magical thoughts, or screaming to drown out the feeling of terror.  As a rule of thumb, parents would be wise to say at least ten supportive comments for every one negative critical comment that they make.  And if more than two or three negative criticisms have been made in a single day, perhaps it would be wise to put off the next one until the morrow.

Be patient then, and don’t be afraid to drop a subject until a more suitable time.  This will make you, not weaker, but a stronger parent.  During fun times, teach your children how you expect them to act when criticized.  Be on guard against too much negative criticism all at once.  And above all, let your children know you love them.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied child discipline conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence negative criticism parenting psychological maturity types of criticism wisdom

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE FIVE LEVELS

In my previous post I provided readers a discussion titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY.  Several of the same arguments that I used earlier to defend the FIVE LEVELS OF RESPONDING TO CRITICISM are equally true for defending the five levels of providing negative criticism.  Perhaps the best argument for the five levels can be derived from the golden rule—Treat others as you want to be treated.  If this strikes you as containing wisdom, then I suggest asking yourself the following.  Do you personally desire, when criticized, to be provided clear, usable information without being bombarded with insults, glares, threats or physical attacks?

If your answer is yes, then to be consistent with the golden rule, it makes sense that you provide negative criticism to others in a manner that is described as level 5.

Although it has been my experience that most people, after some practice, come to agree that the five levels do a pretty good job helping to clarify in their minds the most mature way to provide negative criticism, there are a few questions that come up from time to time.  To address these questions, I will present a discussion based on one I had with a counseling client whom we will call Beatrice.

Discussion with Beatrice 

“Hi, Beatrice.  Say, I was wondering if you read over the pages I gave you that describe the five levels of providing negative criticism?”

“I sure did, Jeff.  I do have some questions, though.”

“I’m very interested in what you have to say, Beatrice.”

“Jeff, when you describe the lowest levels of providing negative criticism, you take a dim view of using physical attacks and shouting.  But I’m a mom.  Just like my mom did with me, when my son Mickey does something wrong, I do shout at him and smack him on his butt.  There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”

After a few seconds, I say gently, “You know, Beatrice, if I answer you, part of what I say might provide negative criticism to you.”

“Are you saying I’m doing something wrong?!” Beatrice shouts.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

I pause, and then express my empathy for what she appears to be experiencing.  “I realize discussing this, Beatrice, can be difficult.  If I did think you did something wrong, maybe you’re not up to hearing my opinion?”

Beatrice taps her foot for a few seconds and takes a deep breath.  “Okay, Jeff, I’m ready.  Let me hear what’s on your mind.”

I think to myself, Beatrice seems pretty fragile about this issue.  I better tread lightly.

“Well, Beatrice, first of all, I must admit, I – along with the vast majority of us parents – have come to a point where we were at least mighty tempted to give our kids a good whack.”

“You’re darn toot-in!” Beatrice emphatically replies.

“Some people might raise the following question:  If you hit Mickey when he does something wrong, are you teaching him that it’s okay for him to hit others when they do something he doesn’t like?”

“I don’t think so, Jeff.  The first time I see Mickey hit another kid I’ll smack him good while yelling at him, ‘You’re not the kid’s mother.  It’s only okay for a mother to hit her kid.  Don’t you ever let me see you hit another kid!’”

“I see, Beatrice.  You feel that you can teach him that it’s not okay for him to hit even though you hit him by explaining that it’s only okay for mothers to hit their kids.”

“Yes.”

I pause to think about this for a few seconds.  Then I say, “I think I understand your position, Beatrice.  Having heard what you said, here’s my negative criticism, if you’re still up to hear it.”

Frowning, Beatrice says, “Let’s hear it.”

“I do know kids often pick up more of what their parents do than what their parents say, and some things the kids pick up aren’t always what their parents might want.”

Illustration by Lynn Johnston from her wonderful book, DO THEY EVER GROW UP?

Beatrice shifts in her chair a bit, and then looks up at me.  “Go ahead, Jeff,” she says.

“Well, Beatrice, I’m concerned that hitting Mickey might make it harder for him to get the message that hitting others is not usually the best way to provide criticism.”

“I guess you feel it’s never okay for a mother to strike her child,” she says after a while.

“Well, first of all, I know many, many people who were raised with shouting, spanking mothers, and most of them turned out just fine.  But a few years ago this psychologist, Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff, looked at both positive and negative behaviors in children.  Some parents used hitting and some didn’t.  Gershoff found that the use of hitting was associated with an increase in child aggression and antisocial behavior.

“If you’d like, Beatrice, tell me about the last time you provided negative criticism to Mickey so I can better picture what typically is occurring.”

“We were at the kitchen table and he tipped over his glass of milk.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

 I yelled at him and smacked him on his bottom.”

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“I see.  It sure is frustrating when someone spills a glass of milk—the waste, the clean-up.”

“Yes, it is.  So, what would you do with Mickey when he tips over his glass of milk?  You can’t reason with him.”

“If Mickey’s not ready to drink out of a regular glass, there are these cups for children that have a cover with a small opening to drink from.  When these cups are tipped over, they don’t spill.  Now, children do like to learn to act like older people.  For example, Mickey, when he was younger, used to crawl, but he saw older people walking about and he began to try to master that skill, and now he walks just fine.

“If you begin to use this children’s cup, you can, at some point, ask Mickey if he wants to learn to drink out of a ‘big boy’ glass, and show him what it looks like.  When he indicates an interest in doing this, you can tell him that he must show you he can drink from the children’s cup for a while without tipping it over.  Show him what you mean by tipping it over, and see if he understands by asking him to tip it over.  Once he shows you he understands this, you can watch him during meals to see if he is being careful.  When he goes for a few minutes without tipping the cup over, you can praise him enthusiastically, smile, pat his back, and remind him that if he keeps doing a good job he can soon use a ‘big boy’ glass.

“Now, once you feel he’s ready for the ‘big boy’ glass, you can let him try it out and, when you do, remind him to be careful.  Only fill it up about an inch high so if it spills it won’t make as big a mess.  After about a minute, if he hasn’t tipped it over, praise him enthusiastically, smile, pat his back, and remind him that if he keeps doing a good job, he can drink from now on like the big boys.

“Of course, from time to time, there will be an accident.  Then, you can look sad, and have him help you clean up the mess.  If there are too many messes for you to put up with, you may want to decide to go back to the children’s cup for a while.  If you do, you could tell Mickey that it’s just for a little while, just until he can show you that he can learn to use the cup without tipping it over.  Then, again, when he does a good job, you praise him enthusiastically, pat his back, and remind him why you are pleased.”

“I guess, Jeff, I can give that a try.  I like how specific you are.  I understand that more mature people, when providing criticism, are clear enough so that the person being criticized can, if he or she wills, improve the behavior.  You just provided a good example of this.”

“Thanks, Beatrice.  I like the way you were able to hear me out on a topic that is obviously a very sensitive one for you.”

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence jealousy negative criticism psychological maturity stress types of criticism wisdom

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I have been discussing a model that describes five levels of maturity when responding to criticism. Today, we switch gears, and take a look at a model that describes five levels of maturity when providing criticism.

The Five Levels

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide criticism, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about someone’s actions, beliefs, or appearance.  Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point.  Each successive level is more mature:

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Cries without stating what the crying is about
  • Physically attacks the person being criticized
  • Damages property

Although these three descriptors may not sound like providing criticism, in some situations we can see that it is the very beginning of the development of this skill.  Let’s say Jill takes baby Bob’s crayon away believing he is done with it.  Bob begins to cry and takes a swipe at Jill.  She manages, by moving away, to avoid Bob’s swipe. Bob now looks even angrier and crumbles up a piece of paper and flings it on the floor.  An observer to this may conclude that Bob, in a sense, is criticizing Jill for taking the crayon.   

   

   

   2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, someone might be making too much noise and the criticizer might turn to the noise maker and glare, or cry out, “Jerk!”)
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.


 

     3.  The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   4.   The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

   5.  When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in.  As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

  • Person variables that are considered:  From observing how the person to be criticized handled criticism in the past, he or she determines which of the five levels of responding to criticism is most characteristic of the individual. (For example, if someone tends to physically attack the criticizer when criticized and is big enough to cause real bodily harm, then a decision is made either to not provide the criticism or to provide it only when there is sufficient security, or else someone else is employed to provide the criticism who is capable of dealing safely with the attack prone person.)  Other person variables considered are how sensitive the person is when criticized, is the person to be criticized currently in an angry or sad mood, is the criticism likely to be perceived as particularly difficult to bear, versus something likely to be viewed as a relatively minor matter, and if the criticizer’s relationship with the person to be criticized is less than ideal.  Depending on such variables, consideration is given to waiting until the person is in a pleasant mood and enlisting someone else to provide the criticism such as a more neutral person, a friend, or someone who is admired by the person who will be criticized.  When the person to be criticized is particularly sensitive about an issue, a fictionalized story with a character who displays the offending behavior may be presented, and then the character’s behavior is discussed.
  • Situation characteristics that are considered:  Are there other people around that will lead to face saving behavior coming into play?  Is there enough time set aside to process the criticism?  Has the person who is to provide the criticism been providing too much negative criticism in too short a period of time? (In this case, consideration is given to waiting until some time goes by in which some positive things are said over the course of several days before hitting the person to be criticized over the head yet again!)

PRACTICE

A good way to become familiar with the five levels is to cut out comics from the paper that illustrate someone providing criticism to someone else.  Then, from time to time compare the descriptions of the five levels to how the character in the comic provided the criticism and then see if you can choose which level best matches the criticism style.  For example, in the Peanuts comic that I used above to illustrate a level five response, with Lucy deciding to give Charlie some time to calm down, I actually altered the last panel in the comic for educational purposes.  The real comic, in its entirety appears below.


In this comic, if you will, compare Lucy’s criticism to each of the five levels and see if you can choose which level is the best match.  In coming weeks, we’ll be practicing these types of skills in a variety of fun ways.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence meditation psychological maturity ruminations stress

ANGER, RUMINATION, AND MEDITATION

Recently, I published posts that discussed dealing with your anger that might arise when you are criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2).  The techniques that are recommended in those posts can be helpful for those who are upset about what was said.  But there are times when we are criticized and we get angry and we kind of think it’s about the criticism, but it really is about something else. Perhaps we realize that if someone else had criticized us in the same way using the same words, we would have been fine about it.  Nevertheless, we ended up getting furious because of who said it. We then went home and our anger about what happened just kept coming up again and again.  We wish it would just stop, but it doesn’t.

Such ruminations can be helpful.  Each time we think over the memory in light of what we have learned since the event first occurred, we might think of some better ways to deal with the conflict.  Then, if a similar event does occur, we may find that we are better prepared than if we hadn’t repeatedly mulled it over.

Despite their helpfulness, there are times when again and again an angry memory keeps creeping ever so annoyingly into our consciousness so that finally we conclude it doesn’t seem to be doing us any good.

Margaret was terribly abused by a man when she was a child. She now finds that even though twenty years have passed, each time she begins to develop a promising relationship with a guy, he ends up doing something that somehow reminds her of something that happened during the earlier abusive relationship. She then ends up recalling all that she had suffered. This leads her to act in a manner that is way out of proportion to what the new guy has done. The new guy runs for the hills and the woman, when she has calmed down, wishes she can become less sensitive.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

There are several approaches that we will be discussing in future posts to help deal with such disturbing ruminations. Today, we will focus on meditation.

Meditation

For thousands of years people have advocated that sitting comfortably while resting one’s thoughts on a mantra—that is, an object to attend to—can help to ease the burdens of life. Teachers of meditation usually mix in ancient wise counsel as the student learns this beautiful art.

Research has demonstrated that meditation can be helpful for improving empathy, working memory, the ability to focus, and relationship satisfaction, as well as reducing stress, anxiety, and ruminations.  Evidence also suggests that mindfulness meditation has numerous health benefits, including increased immune functioning (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx for a review of the research.)

For those who want to give meditation a try before entering into a course or participating in many of the available wonderful retreats, I offer the following.

A SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE FORM OF MEDITATION

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

Set aside about twenty minutes. Preferably, choose a time when you haven’t eaten for at least an hour.  This is because right after a meal your stomach begins to work hard to digest what you have just consumed.  It is better to wait until much of this is over.  This way your body can devote more of its energy for your journey into the deepest levels of your mind.

The only tool you need is a clock or watch so you can know when the twenty minutes are up.  Select the most quiet, comfortable place you can find for sitting. With this form of meditation there is no requirement to sit in any unique fashion.  If you desire to shift your position at any time, feel free to go right ahead.

Begin by checking the time and then figure out what time it will be when twenty minutes will have passed.  Then close your eyes, take a deep inward breath, and as you exhale, let your whole body deeply relax.  For approximately thirty seconds, enjoy letting your mind drift wherever it wishes to go.

After the half minute has passed, begin to observe your breathing.  This observation of your breath serves as your mantra.  Do not try to alter the flow of your breath as you observe it, just observe it.  At first you may find that just the act of observing your breathing in and out will result in altering your breathing pattern.  This is very natural and a common experience.  There is nothing wrong with what you are doing when this happens. As long as you gently seek to observe your breathing without influencing its flow you are doing wonderfully.

Now, as you gently seek to do this, not only will you see yourself at times influencing the flow of your breathing, but you will also find, from time to time, that your attention will drift away from your breath altogether. In fact, it is a common experience.  Many of us find that we spend almost no time whatsoever observing our breath as we meditate, our thoughts instead drifting here and there on other matters.  Such experiences are a natural part of meditating.  You are doing nothing wrong.  There is no need to feel guilty.

When you notice that your attention has drifted away from your breathing, very gently see if you can effortlessly return to observing your breath.  If you can, do so.  If you find that your mind drifts back to something else, this is fine. The whole process is effortless.  This is one reason that it is so relaxing.  That is, you give your mind something so simple to do that it requires no real effort, and whenever you begin to drift from this no effort task, you accept this as just a natural part of the process without chastising yourself.

As you do this, from time to time check and when you notice that twenty minutes have gone by, take a deep in-breath, exhale, and then give yourself two minutes to let your breath and mind wander wherever they will go.  In this way, you ease out of meditation and return to your non-meditative state.

SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Over the years, when I taught people to meditate, the following questions were often asked.
1. Question: How often should I meditate?
Answer: The research demonstrating the effectiveness of meditation has not yet adequately compared those who meditate twice a day to those who meditate more or less.  Instead of research, we are guided by tradition and our own experience.

From traditional sources, twice a day appears to be the most common practice.  Dr. Herbert Benson, the author of the popular book titled, The Relaxation Response, and a leader in carrying out research on meditation, reports that once or twice a day is sufficient.

I recommend that beginners practice twice a day (preferably before breakfast and before suppertime) for the following reasons.  This is what I was taught by a yoga teacher when I first began to practice forty years ago and it has become a comfortable, valued practice for over 40 years.  Moreover, I have taught many using this technique and have never seen anyone who expressed harm from this practice.  There have been many who have reported dramatic improvements in daily functioning.

2. Question: If I don’t have time to meditate for twenty minutes can I gain some benefits from practicing for less time?
Answer: Dr. Herbert Benson reports that some studies indicate that practicing daily as little as ten minutes per day can produce significant improvements lowering your stress levels.  If you find that you don’t have even ten minutes a day to meditate, you might consider that age old adage that the time to meditate is when you don’t have time to meditate.

A young woman once told me that she didn’t have time to meditate even for ten minutes a day. “How much TV do you watch?” I inquired.  She smiled sheepishly and after a few seconds of calculating in her mind, replied, “Five hours a night.”  She quickly added, “Well, I have to watch my shows!”  In my view, this woman would be wise to reset her priorities.

3. Question: How does meditation help to reduce problems involving recurring angry memories?
Answer: As you meditate, among the thoughts that float into your awareness are angry memories.  When this occurs, you tend to be in a more peaceful state than usual.  The pairing of the memory with this peaceful state allows for a more dispassionate look at the events that had surrounded the original angry episode.  This process often leads to a perspective that is experienced as less threatening.  And sometimes an insightful plan suddenly emerges with great promise should a similar problem cross your path.

The meditation process has been likened to dying a piece of material.  Suppose you have a white sweater and you would like to dye it a nice royal blue.  The first time you dip the sweater in the dye solution and let it sit for a while, when you lift it from the solution you might not notice any change at all.  Upon soaking the sweater again in the solution, letting it sit for awhile, and then lifting it out, this time you may think you notice a slight change, but you are not sure.  You repeat this process several more times and slowly but surely you begin to see the color of the sweater becoming a wonderful hue. In this way, each time you sit in meditation, your anger will ease into something more beautiful.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2

In my last post, I discussed BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I received some nice comments from people who found the suggestions helpful.  Thanks!

For some, the suggestions that I put forth on this blog are easy to carry out in real life situations.  For others, old habits that have been used in anger- arousing situations for years are not so easily changed.  This is true even when people become convinced that the new style makes sense.  After a few tries at using the new style and finding that the attempts come off as clumsy, many people may decide that the new style is just not “natural” for them.  They feel that their effort to change is really an effort to suppress their “natural” style, and suppression is not healthy.

The association of anger suppression with learning new skills to deal with anger is understandable, for when one has spent many years acting one way, learning alternative behaviors can be frustrating.  This uncomfortable sensation may be seen as the suppression of one’s “natural” mode of behavior.  It’s a similar experience to how actors might feel when first learning a new role or golfers a new swing.  At first the skill to be learned feels awkward and the early phase of learning can leave them to observe their heart racing and their blood pressure skyrocketing.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

To take a particularly vivid example, consider what happens when human beings have to go to empty their bowels.  When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere.  No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy.  Most of us now understand that when people feel the urge, they can learn to excuse themselves in a pleasant manner and then wait a bit until they get to a more private place to do this type of business.  No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger.  To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling, icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

Taking the time to calm yourself in the manner suggested in last week’s blog can work, but for most people, it takes practice.  By designing a program in small incremental steps and heeding the suggestions I will be making on this blog, the feeling of suppressing one’s natural behavior can be largely reduced or even completely eliminated.

First of all, Expect Missteps.

By studying the posts on this blog, it is likely that several situations will occur that you now find yourself handling much better than before.  If the response by others you are engaged with ends up being favorable, this will encourage you to utilize the same approach again and again until it begins to feel natural, that is, second nature to you.  Other skills will come off a bit awkward or you will get a less than favorable response, and you may experience frustration.  When you try the skill again, you may now feel unsure and your effort may lead you to interpret this as suppressing a more “natural” way to respond.  You may therefore give up and conclude that you are helpless to make a meaningful change in this type of skill.

A big part of the solution to this problem is to reread the section that discusses the skill, and then practice over and over in your mind a narrative that has you envisioning utilizing the skill.  When you can smoothly imagine in detail carrying out the skill, try it out again in real life.  You may have to do this a few times until you get it right.

Today, I will provide a little fun practice session to help to better learn the skill of being a wise friend to your angry self.

You and your Friend, Eric

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

You and your friend, Eric, are discussing the upcoming election.  Eric explains why he intends to vote for someone in the upcoming presidential election you believe would do an awful job.  After the discussion has gone on for awhile, eventually it becomes clear to you that neither of you are going to change your opinions.

It’s at this point that you feel your anger toward Eric rising up within you.  Before reading on, spend some time thinking about what you would now do. 

After thinking about this, consider trying to come up with a charming way to say to Eric you’d like to take some time to think about the discussion you have both been having and then leading the discussion on to another topic.  Envision in your mind exactly what you would say, and how you would say it.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

After you have thought about this, see if your response includes summarizing for Eric his main points.  Then a smile, perhaps a good-nature pat on the back of Eric’s shoulder, and then a comment like, “Well Eric, by now you know my opinion about this and I certainly know yours.  We obviously disagree.  Nevertheless, I’m still very fond of you.”  Finally, a comment by you that indicates your willingness to continue the conversation after you had some time to reflect on what has already been said.

It is now later in the day.  You recall the conversation with Eric and anger rises up within you.  Think about what you would do to deal with this.

After thinking about this, reread last week’s post and compare and contrast it with what you came up with.  Practice this exercise until you can,

1. envision in your mind very quickly and smoothly coming up with a charming way to disengage with Eric;

2. describe how you wish to respond to your anger when it flares up after you leave Eric for the day.

When you can do this three times without using any notes, you will find that the next time a similar situation comes up, you will be able to handle it far better than you thought possible.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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anger conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress Thich Nhat Hanh

BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1

In my last post,  CRITICISM AND ANGER, I discussed how sometimes when we are criticized we find ourselves getting angry.  At such times, it’s a good idea to have a well-practiced strategy to summarize the criticism that has been made and then to respectfully call for a break in the discussion to consider all that has been said.

Once you have removed yourself from the anger arousing situation, what are valuable things that you can do to take advantage of your cooling down period? In coming posts, I will discuss a variety of ideas, but today we will focus in on being a wise friend to your angry self.

Wisdom and Anger

If I was wise, how would I respond to a friend who was angry?  If my friend, Steve, was angry, I would gently invite him to take a walk in the country or park.

If he agreed to a stroll, as we went on our way I would listen to him in a caring manner.  If he said he’d rather sit and talk in a quiet place, or not talk at all, I’d offer to do that with him.

Similarly, when I become angry, if at all possible, I take myself for a walk and my friendly, supportive self listens in a caring way to my angry self.

My friendly self doesn’t try to get my angry self to suppress any anger, but rather, to freely express it, but only in private.

Over the years, I have found that whenever my friendly self spends time interacting with my angry self, after awhile my angry self calms down.  During the calm spell, I am far more open to reason.

Now, as you try this out with yourself, please keep in mind that your angry self does not seek to suppress any anger to reach this relatively calm state.  It will occur naturally without any effort at all. Just listen to yourself in a caring manner, and see for yourself what happens.

Once you are in a state of relative calm, you can begin to respond to the conditions that led to anger in a more reasonable manner.

There are some wonderful metaphors that can help you through this process of reaching a relative period of calm.  Thich Nhat Hanh, in his fine book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, reminds us that if we are wise, we do not seek to suppress our anger or wage war against it.  Instead, we can learn to view anger as an organic feeling.

Thich Nhat Hanh
Thich Nhat Hanh

“The practice” Hahn writes, “is to transform yourself.  If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost.  And if you have no compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you.  You need the suffering, the inflictions in you.  Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them.”

Another Hanh metaphor I like has us thinking of our anger as a potato that we have picked out of a garden.  When we first take it out of the soil it is dirty and hard.  It is not quite ready to provide us with an excellent form of nourishment.  It is much better to take some time to clean it up and then to have it sit in a warm oven for awhile.  Then it soon turns into something delicious.

Similarly, when anger first arises, it is very likely to be a poor form of nourishment.  In fact, it can even turn out to be poisonous.  You have to clean it up first, and then find the right place where it can best be turned into a valued experience.

Now, as you go through this calming period, you will notice your angry self chattering away, saying things like, “That idiot who made me angry is a stupid jerk.”  Other derogatory statements about the source of your anger may come to mind.  Perhaps you will think about how you can do harm to the person your mind is insulting.  This is part of the anger process.

At such times, see if you can observe your angry self in a nonjudgmental manner as this is happening.  If you can’t, there is no need to punish yourself.  Anger is a strong emotion.  Be as kind to yourself as you can throughout this process—just like a good, compassionate friend would.

observing sensationsFrom time to time, see if you can take a few seconds to observe the physical sensations you are experiencing.  The chattering in your mind may make this difficult, so if this does not happen, again you are not encouraged to punish yourself.  Just gently remind yourself that observing the physical sensations you are experiencing could be useful to do if you can.

Now, once you take maybe an hour or so to be a good pal to your “angry” self, even if you have calmed down at this point, if at all possible, don’t leap into trying to come up with a resolution to your angry conflict.  Give yourself a full week, whenever possible, to plan your next discussion with the person with whom you have an angry conflict.

Take advantage of this relacalmtively calm period to map out a strategy to address the concerns raised during the anger arousing situation.  If you come up with some ideas that sound promising, I encourage you to NOT commit to any one idea just yet.  Instead, afterwards, see if you can enter into some different activity unrelated to the conflict such as playing with the kids, doing some housework, watching a movie, going bowling, calling your mother, etc. It is best to take a break from the conflict for awhile and have a night to sleep on it.

This break from formally trying to figure out what your next step should be can be valuable for coming up with creative solutions.  During this period, you’re not badgering yourself to go step by step in any process.  You are aware that you have plenty of time before you will be expected to have a plan to move forward.  There is a reduction in any sense of pressure.  Moreover, your mind does need some rest.  The processing of anger arousing conflicts can be exhausting.

discussionToward the end of the week, if the conflict isn’t too personal, consider discussing what happened with some people you respect and trust.  Two or three heads are usually better than one.

Finally, shortly before meeting again the person with whom you are having the angry conflict, see if you can work up a heightened sense of determination to achieve your desire to resolve this conflict.  Keep in mind that the stress you have been experiencing is normal and fulfillment is not found in easy comfort, security, and routine, but rather in the continual growth in wisdom through what is learned from negative and positive experiences of an active, changing life.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

CRITICISM AND ANGER

For the past few weeks, I have been discussing the different reasons why people criticize and how to respond in a mature manner.  To become a master at responding maturely, these mature responses have to be rehearsed.  But even after a great deal of rehearsing, masters at responding to criticism occasionally find themselves becoming so angry at what is being said, that they have to call a time out.  We discussed how to do this in a respectful manner in an earlier post titled SUMMARIZE AND DELAY.

But what is a wise course of action if your best efforts to summarize and delay is ignored by the criticizer and the criticisms just keep coming at a rate that is just too much for you to bear?  Let’s take a look at a parable which points us to a strategy to deal with such a trying situation.

 

PARABLE OF MARTY AND LENA

One day Marty gets stuck at work.  He calls his girlfriend, Lena, to let her know he will be late for their date. 

Illustration by Eric Sailer

When he finally arrives at Lena’s house, he’s already irritated about how his boss has treated him all day long and he finds himself becoming a little annoyed when Lena starts to raise her voice about how late he is.  “I understand why you are upset,” Marty replies.

Lena then looks at Marty’s clothes and complains that he’s not wearing a tie.

“I didn’t think a tie was necessary for the party we’re going to,” Marty replies.  “Next time we go to a party, I’ll check with you before I pick out my outfit.”

As they leave the house to go to the party, before getting into his car, Lena pauses. “You didn’t have your car washed, and you knew we were going to a party!” she complains.  “It’s filthy.”           

Marty now feels himself getting really angry.  He had run out of time to have the car washed.  To have stopped to get it washed before coming to Lena’s house would have made him even later than he was. 

He takes a deep breath to try to calm himself, and then he begins to think about why Lena has been so negative with him.  He has practiced going down the list of possibilities, and he quickly does so now.

Is she just offering criticism to me in an effort to get me to improve? he says to himself.  There’s just too much criticism all at once for this to be the whole reason, he decides.

Is she just playfully teasing?  She doesn’t look at all like this is any fun for her.

Is she trying to impress some friends so she can better bond with them?  There’s no one around but she and I.

Is she in a bad mood about something?  That has to be it, and I know why.  She’s still angry because I was late. 

“Lena,” he says, “I think you’re still angry because I was late.”

“Yes I am,” she hollers.

“I really wish I could have been on time, Lena.  I had a very rough day at work, and now, in the last five minutes you criticized me three times—first, about my being late, then about not wearing a tie, and now, about not washing the car.  Usually I’m very interested in your criticisms.  But for the rest of the evening I’d like you to hold off on any more.”      

“Don’t give me that!” Lena hollers.  “You didn’t wash the lousy car!  What’s wrong with you?!”           

“Lena, I know you’re going to be disappointed, but I’ve just decided to spend the evening alone.  I’ll call you in a few days and if you’re up to discussing what happened this evening, we’ll do it then.  I’m sorry.”  Then Marty gets into his car and drives away with Lena still yelling.

 

PARABLE DISCUSSION

Illustration by Eric SailerNotice that in this Marty and Lena parable, Marty first attempts to sail away from the Region of Anger by gently asking Lena to hold off on any more criticism for the rest of the evening.  We will call this the “Signaling to Back-Off Technique.” Although this fails to work for Marty in this parable, the Signaling to Back-Off Technique has the potential to be highly effective.  It works best in an ongoing relationship, although I have seen it work well with people who hardly know each other.  The best way to set this up is to discuss this technique with the other person at a time when both of you are not in an angry mood.  You might say to the other party something like:

Sometimes I begin to get really upset about something you are saying.  I know that it’s important for me to hear your point of view, and I do want to hear what you have to say.  But there are times when I’m in no condition to give you a fair hearing on a particular topic.  At such times, it would help me a great deal if I could give you a simple signal for you to back off for a while.  I’ll make sure you’ll get your opportunity to have your full say on a topic before too long—almost always within a week.  But I sometimes require a little time to get my act together first.  Would you mind helping me out in this way?

If the other party agrees to the Signaling to Back-Off Technique, and I have found that most people do, together you can decide on a signal.  A friend might say something to another friend like, “Please give me a little time to think about this.”  A wife might wish to use with her husband the phrase, “Darling, let’s discuss this later.”  I know one couple who just uses the phrase, “Back off, please.”  This strikes me as a bit abrupt, but it seems to work for them.

In the Marty and Lena parable, when Lena refuses to hold off on any more negative criticism for a while, Marty decides to leave rather than listening to any more insults.

Some people think that it is best to just start yelling at the criticizer to shut up already.  This usually leads to an angry exchange and this can potentially clear the air.  But sometimes some particularly awful things are said in the exchange and events escalate into violence or lasting resentments.

Whereas the quick shouting approach may work well for some people, others find that they sometimes reach a point at which they determine that it would be best to indeed call a time out.  We do it in many sports for four reasons:  To avoid events escalating into violence; to take some time to catch our breath; to think about what has just been happening; and to formulate a plan to go forward.  It is for the same reasons why we call time outs in an anger arousing situation.

After you excuse yourself, what are valuable things that you can do to take advantage of your cooling down period?  Next week’s post will begin to answer this question.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.