Tag: “n” word

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Cool Steve’s Puzzled When Blacks Use N-Word

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Welcome to From Insults To Respect. Today, let’s consider a story in which the N-word gets used in a couple of very different ways.

A Rough Basketball Game

May, 1965.

            “Wandering around the Coney Island area a few blocks from the amusement parks, 15-year old Steve and his nine-year old brother, Pete, spots some guys about his age playing basketball.

            As they come closer, they see that a five-on-five game is in progress. “Look, Pete, they’re all colored guys.”

“You’re colored, Steve. You got brown skin and darker brown hair. The tall guy over there, Steve, his skin is darker brown than you, and, look, the guy who just shot the ball, he’s almost black.”

            “Marone!  Did you see that guy make that turnaround jumper?” Steve cries.

            “Those guys are good, Steve.”

“Listen, Pete, let me play a quick game with them? I’ve played against some colored guys before and sometimes one or two were a step above, but these guys—Marone! You can watch or play over there with the guys your age.”

            “I don’t mind watching you. It’s fun. You’re really good.”

            Steve was taller than most kids his age and his speed and quickness led him to search out games that would really challenge him. Although not as tall as the two guys playing the center position for the teams playing now or one of the guys standing on the sideline, who looks to be close to six-feet, Steve is taller than most of the other players.

            Walking beside the six-footer, Steve calls out, “I got next!”

            “What?” the tall guy cries out as he turns to Steve and glares into his eyes.

            “I got next,” Steve reasserts.

            “Listen, kid, you watch any of this game over here. We guys are the best fifteen-year-olds in the area. Ain’t no white-ass boy gonna keep up with us.”

            “You ain’t afraid to find out how true that is, are ya?” Steve replies with a twinkle in his eye.

            “Well, I wouldn’t mind finding out if I was to play ‘gainst you, but I got next. That means we’d be on the same team. You make my team lose, I gotta sit out another game, you know what I’m sayin’?”

            “I’ll tell ya what. After one game, if I haven’t proved to you I can keep up with you guys, I’ll leave and it’ll be the last you’ll ever see of this low-down white-ass kid.”

             “Now here comes a real player,” the six-footer says as he notices the arrival of some guy he obviously knows. Heading over to greet him and his little brother, who is by his side, he warmly calls out, “How’s my nigga doin’?” Steve is a bit startled by this greeting, because he thought the use of the word “nigga” was insulting, and yet the six-footer used it as a pleasant greeting.

            “I’m doin’ fine, Shorty.”

            Calling the six-footer Shorty makes Steve smile.

            When Shorty and the new arrival come close enough to one another they start giving each other this weird handshake: a slide of their palms, a bump of their fist, some twisting of their fingers, another palm slide, and then finishing up with both pointing at one another.

            “You and the white kid got next, Shorty?” asks the new arrival.

            “Well, I got next, Earl, but I don’t know ’bout this other guy. He says he wants to play, but sheeeeet.”

             “Hi Earl. I’m Steve.”

Earl, a shade darker than Shorty, three inches shorter, has curly hair grown out distinctly longer than the others on the court. He sizes up Steve, shrugs his shoulders, and declares, “Let’s give him a try, see if he can fly.”

            Shorty let’s out another prolonged, “Sheeeeet,” but resigns himself to having Steve for a teammate.

            “You think you and these other guys out here are the best fifteen-year-olds in the neighborhood?” Steve asks.

            “We don’t think it, we know it. We all play in this kick-ass basketball league in Coney Island. Last year’s basketball season, the coaches got together, and they made All Star teams for each of the age groups to compete with All Star teams in other neighborhoods. We guys were the Coney Island All Stars for the fourteen-year-olds, ya know what I’m sayin’?  Now we’re fifteen and we’re getting ready for next season.”

            “You guys get to play real organized basketball, like with grown-up coaches and real refs?” Steve says very much impressed.

            “Sure.”

            “Me, I only ever played street ball,” says Steve.

The game Steve, Earl, and Shorty had been waiting on comes to its finish.

            “If ya fuckin’ passed the ball sometime, we could’ve won that game, ya fuckin’ nigga!” says one of the losers to a teammate.

            “Ya momma!”comes the reply.

              Steve notices this time the word “nigga” was used as an insult, leading him to scratch his head.

            Shorty begins to walk on the court with his hands apart, looking at the guy who’s holding the ball.

            Shorty catches a bounce pass, takes a couple of quick dribbles, and tosses up an eight footer—swish.

            There’s a quick minute or two for some loosening up, and then Earl calls over his squad for a strategy session. “Listen-up,” he says. “We’ll play man to man. Steve, you take Mad Dog, the brother with the orange sweatshirt. Clyde, you take…”

            “Time-out!” Steve interrupts while making a ‘T’ with his hands. “That kid over there with the gray sweatshirt, that’s who I want.”

            “Sheeeeet!’ cries Shorty.

            “That’s Jet!” Earl says looking astonished. “He’s the fastest nigga here!”

             “I’ve been watching him,” Steve responds. “I think I can take him. When the game gets going, as soon as any of ya think I can’t, say so and I won’t say a word. But at least give me a chance.”

            Earl shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay, then Steve’s set wit’ Jet. Clyde, you take Mad Dog for now. Shadow, you do your thing on Darnell. Shorty, crash dem boards ‘gainst Bull and show him ya mean it!  I’ll continue my habit of taking Rabbit. Me and Clyde are the best shooters on our team, so see if you can set us up. Obviously, if Shorty’s open underneath, work the ball into him.  Steve, watch for Jet on the fast break.”

                                  *                                  *                                  *

The way they play, it takes eleven points to win. Rabbit brings the ball up court at its start, Dribbling confidently, Rabbit dashes first to his right, then to the left, as Steve’s team-mate, Earl, D’s up on him—his hands taking swats at the ball, his body cutting off direct lines of attack.

            Jet tries to break away from Steve, but Steve sticks to him like glue.

Mad Dog flashes into the passing lane as Rabbit shoves the ball into him. A quick step to the side, a spin jump and the ball is lofted upwards. Clyde leaps, sweeps at the ball, and ticks it just enough. Shorty pulls down the rebound, passes to Shadow, who dishes to Earl.

            Crossing over to his team’s side of the court, Earl dances around as his players set up, then fires to Clyde, who spins and tosses up a mid-range jumper. It rattles around the hoop and kicks out.

            Shorty tries to move in for the follow-up, but Bull has other plans. Although lacking a couple of inches in height, Bull has a twenty-pound advantage. He places his thick body in-between Shorty and the basket. The rebound goes to the high jumping Rabbit.

            Steve starts back peddling as he sees Jet trying to dash by him. Rabbit flings the ball over everyone’s head in the direction of the basket down court. The ball is targeted to land about ten feet from his team’s basket and Jet is expected to have run it down and execute an easy lay-up.

            Steve quickly turns his body as he switches from back-peddling to an all-out sprint in the direction of where the ball is heading. The adjustment costs him a precious fraction of a second, and he finds that Jet now has a half step on him. Putting his head down, Steve pours on the speed. As the ball hits the ground, Steve is dead even with Jet, but Jet has positioned his body so he has a direct line to the ball while Steve is to his right. Steve’s legs strain for some extra speed, his left hand rises, forms into a fist, and with the side of his fist he smashes the ball down against Jet’s shins. Careening off of Jet, the ball ends up out of bounds.

            Jet and Steve use their final few steps to prepare themselves for crashing into the fence just beyond the basket. Then—Wham! As they bounce off, they go sprawling down, roll, and then thrust themselves back onto their feet. Because the ball last touched Jet before going out of bounds, it’s Steve’s team’s possession.

            As Shorty recovers the ball, and from the corner of his eyes, he glances over at Steve.

                                                *                                  *                                  *

Both teams are evenly matched. As it approaches the end, it’s even 9-9. The intensity ratchets up a notch. All game long, Bull has been doing some fine trench work, pushing Shorty off his favorite spots, but now he’s really smashing into him. Shorty, for his part, is playing pay-back with a vengeance. You can hear the thuds from a block away. And whenever someone sets a pick, look out. Collisions are becoming more and more violent—everyone pushing the limits.

            Now, Jet is racing down the court with the ball.

            No way he’s getting by me, Steve says to himself.

            Eight feet from the basket, Jet slams on his breaks and leaps up for a fade-away jumper.  Steve’s right on him.

            Jet sees he’s got to fade back even more than he anticipated if he’s to get the ball over Steve’s outstretched arms. Arching his back, shifting his weight backwards as far as he can, while he and Steve are still in the air, Jet takes aim and launches the brown leathery sphere. A moment after the release, Jet comes crashing down on his back. Everyone watches the slightly rotating sphere sail upwards, then curve downwards, and then—slip through the hoop.

            Jet’s teammate, Darnell lets out a long whistle.

            “ALL RIGHT!” cries Bull.

            Shorty, who had moved in for a rebound, comes down with the ball, takes it over to Steve, glares into his eyes, smashes the ball down, catches it as it bounces back up, tucks it under his arm, turns his back to Steve, and walks away fuming.

            Steve’s face flushes, then he looks over to Jet. He’s still on his back wincing. With an extended hand, Steve helps him to his feet. Looking into Jet’s eyes, Steve says, “Nice shot.”

            Jet smiles, then walks around testing the feel of his back. He touches his toes, goes through the motion of taking a jump shot. “I’m okay.”

The score is now 10 to 9. One more point by Jet’s team and Steve’s team loses.

Earl dribbles the ball on his way to his basket. Suddenly, Mad Dog, who is now about five feet from Earl, screams, “ERRRRRR!” Earl, momentarily distracted by the scream finds his eyes flash at Mad Dog. Rabbit, looking for this opening, leaps toward Earl and grabs the ball away. Mad Dog, at this same instant dashes in the direction of his basket. Rabbit flings the ball to him. Mad Dog is wide open and sinks an easy shot. Just like that—game over.

                    *                                  *                       *

Somehow, despite Earl having messed up, Shorty is decent about it. “We gave them a good game, man,” he says. “They won’t fool us with that play again, that’s for sure.”

             “Well, me and my brother are gonna get going, says Steve.”

            “Why don’t ya stick around?” says Shorty. “The next game will be over before you know it.”

            “I got a few things to take care of,” says Steve, “but you ok if I come back sometime to play. I learned a lot from you guys today.”

             “Yeah, sure. I was just joshin’ ya earlier. We play Saturdays and Sundays in the afternoons and most days after school.”

               “You’re all right, Shorty,” says Steve. Then he waves good bye.

                                                *                                  *                                  *

It’s a curious thing how the N-word is used so differently in this story by these Black teenagers, as well as some current day rap singers. Although sometimes used as a term of endearment, if tried with non-Black guys, Blacks most likely would understandably seriously object. How come? What’s going on with this? And what does this have to do with respect?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. There is no cost for doing so. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE. 

 

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On Responding to the N-word

Leonard Pitts, Jr.
Leonard Pitts, Jr.

Leonard Pitts, Jr. is a columnist, author of three novels and winner of numerous awards including the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.  When I heard that he was speaking at Flagler College, having enjoyed reading his insightful column for many years, I eagerly went to see him.

Mr. Pitts’s formal presentation was well received.  Then, he began to take questions from the audience. His responses to each were like a laser in that his answers were precisely on point–that is, until I asked my question.

My Question

When I first stepped up to the mike, I explained that I had worked with teenagers for many years, and sometimes a white student would seek to insult a black student by calling him the N-word.

Often the response was a physical fight that would lead to a school suspension.

Before returning to school, in some cases both students were asked to meet with me.  I saw each separately at first and usually I’d discuss Martin Luther King, Jr. For the black students, at some point in our discussion I would ask, “Do you understand that Martin Luther King, Jr. was all about non-violence when dealing with injustice?”

“Sure, I know that, man!” was a common reply.

Then I would say something like, “When you were called the N-word, you started to physically attack the guy who called you that.  That’s a violent approach to the injustice you had faced.  If it happens again, can you think of some other way to deal with this, some way that would respect Martin Luther King, Jr.’s memory?”

I would then typically get the following type reply: “If Martin Luther King, Jr. lived in my neighborhood, he’d have realized that if anyone called him that, the only way to respond is to bloody the guy up good!”

Having had experiences like this, I asked Mr. Pitts, “As a respected black man, how would you respond to someone who called you the N-word, and how would you advise black people to respond in the event that someone called them the N-word?”

Mr. Pitts’s Response

As I had said before, prior to my question, Mr. Pitts’s answers to questions that were being presented to him were right on point.  Now, his reply wandered off to related issues, never directly answering my question.

hip hopHe spoke, for example, of how he objected to hip-hop’s embrace of the word.  He related it to how many women in the women’s movement have now embraced the phrase, “She’s my bitch,” as a form of flattery, despite the fact that historically it was used in an unkind manner by sexist men seeking to put down women.  And he spoke eloquently about why he personally found the N-word so offensive.  I didn’t write down his exact words, but it seemed to closely match the words he used in some of his earlier newspaper columns.  For example, in a column published on November 30th, 2013, he wrote:

The N-word is unique. It was present at the act of mass kidnap that created “black America,” it drove the ship to get here, signed the contracts at flesh auctions on Southern ports as mother was torn from child, love from love and self from self. It had a front row center seat for the acts of blood, rape, castration, exclusion and psychological destruction by which the created people was kept down and in its place. The whole weight of our history dictates that word cannot be used except as an expression of contempt for African Americans.

Now, I do want to avoid a too simplistic presentation of Mr. Pitts’s position on the N-word.  He does believe that the word can be rightly used in certain situations.  For example, in a column titled, “Don’t Censor Mark Twain’s N word” he defended how it is used in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:

huck finn It is, perhaps, the seminal moment in American literature.

Young Huck Finn, trying to get right with God and save his soul from a forever of fire, sits there with the freshly written note in hand. “Miss Watson,” it says, “your runaway nigger Jim is down here two mile below Pikesville and Mr. Phelps has got him and he will give him up for the reward if you send.”

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/09/2007730/dont-censor-mark-twains-n-word.html#storylink=cpy

Huck knows it is a sin to steal and he is whipped by guilt for the role he has played in helping the slave Jim steal himself from a poor old woman who never did Huck any harm. But see, Jim has become Huck’s friend, has sacrificed for him, worried about him, laughed and sung with him, depended upon him. So what, really, is the right thing to do?

“I was a-trembling,” says Huck, “because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:

‘All right, then, I’ll go to hell’ — and tore it up.”

Mr. Pitts wrote this column in response to a publisher who had decided to put out a new edition of this classic story that replaced all 219 occurrences of the N-word with words such as “runaway slave.”  Although Mr. Pitts acknowledges the publisher means well, he states that, “…it is troubling to think the state of reading comprehension in this country has become this wretched, that we have tweeted, PlayStationed and Fox Newsed so much of our intellectual capacity away that not only can our children not divine the nuances of a masterpiece, but that we will now protect them from having to even try.”

I liked what Mr. Pitts had said in reply to my question but as I left the auditorium, I wondered why he appeared to avoid answering my question more directly.  And I wondered what he would say about the approach that I have been recommending for responding to insults (see for example, “Insulting Criticism: What Can We Do About It?”).

My Alternative to Violence When Responding to the N-word

Although I have given a number of different types of examples of people responding maturely to insults in past posts, I have never described specifically what my approach would look like in the type of a situation we have been discussing today.  I, of course, recognize that since I am not an African-American, I lack much legitimacy in offering my opinion on this topic.  Nevertheless, just to spur a deeper discussion, very tentatively I am tossing out one alternative to violence.

In the scenario presented below, this is the first time Fred is calling Leroy the N-word.  In my view, Leroy’s response would be very different if Fred has begun to repeatedly taunt him.  Concerns about how to handle taunting are addressed in my post titled “The Art of Playful Teasing”.

black and whiteLeroy, an African-American teenager is called the N-word by Fred, a white teenager.  Leroy replies by looking firmly into the eyes of Fred and says,”You just called me a nigger.  I want to make certain you clearly understand that that word was used in the past by people who believed in slavery and that African-Americans are less than human.  Is that what you are trying to say to me, that you believe in slavery, and I’m less than a human being?”

“Yeah, you nigger!” Fred replies.

Leroy pauses to think about this for a moment, looking down in a sad manner.  Then, looking squarely into Fred’s eyes, he says firmly, “Why are you trying to insult me, Fred?”

“Because I hate niggers!”

“Fred, I’ve met some black guys who strike me as pretty hateful characters.  But from my experience, there are a lot of great black guys out there. I hope in time you’ll change your mind.  Anything else you want to say to me?

“Yeah, go to hell!”

“I understand that you’re trying to insult me, Fred. I’m always interested to hear you out.  I’m sorry to hear how you feel about black people.”

Well, those are some thoughts I have for you this week.  I encourage readers to continue the discussion by posting comments.  I know these issues bring up for many of us some very strong emotions.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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JERRY SEINFELD, KRAMER, INSULTS AND THE N-WORD

Over the past couple of months on this blog in weekly posts I have been discussing criticism.  This past week on the internet I came upon an episode of Jerry Seinfeld’s internet show “Comedians in Car Getting Coffee.”  There, Jerry and his fellow comedian, Michael Richards, discuss a very unfortunate incident that dramatically illustrates some of the ideas I’ve been trying to convey to my readers.

As most of you know, one of the most popular TV comedy series in history is “Seinfeld.”

And one of the funniest characters on the show is Kramer, played by Michael Richards.

After the cast stopped making new episodes, Michael began to perform as a standup comedian.  One night, about seven years ago, a black man interrupted Michael’s  act and criticized him, saying, “You’re not funny.”  Michael, according to his own words that he expressed during a nationally televised apology, went into a rage and used the N-Word to insult the black man.

Now, in posts on this blog I have made the argument that when responding to criticism there are five levels of maturity (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).  I am now going to describe the five levels, and as you look them over, see if you can identify which level best describes how Michael handled the criticism he received during his act.

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

5. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

YOUR ANSWER, PLEASE

After looking over the description of the five levels, which best matches the response that Michael used to respond to the criticism he received at the comedy club?  After you decide, you get to compare your answer to mine.

MY ANSWER

Level 2 strikes me as describing best Michael’s response.  Referring to a black person with the N-Word strikes me as seeking to insult the person.  His response is viewed as one of the lowest levels of maturity for a variety of reasons already discussed on this blog.  In this particular case, we readily see what kind of harm can occur when we respond in this way.  Michael, on Seinfeld’s internet show, describes how he has been unable to work for seven years after the event took place.  “I busted up after that event.  It broke me down.  It was a selfish response.  I took it too personally, and I should have said, ‘You’re absolutely right.  I’m not funny.  I think I’ll go home tonight and work on my material.'”

If Micheal had responded as he said he should have, what level would that have been?  I think level 4 is a pretty good match.  If Michael did respond at level 4, the past seven years would have been dramatically better for him.

Now, I’m not attempting to suggest that every time someone responds to criticism as Michael did such awful things occur.  In most cases that you might respond in an immature way, people just become  angry and lose a little respect for you.  But sometimes even worse things happen to someone who responds to criticism with insults, as the Michael Richards’ case illustrates.  And sometimes even worse things happen then what happened in the Michael Richards’ case.  There are cases when the insults led to an escalation of a conflict until people turned violent and were murdered.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.