Tag: anger

Categories
anger comic strip conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence encouraging caring free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum grieving guilt guilting Hope insults interpersonal conflicts intrapersonal conflicts Name calling negative criticism psychological maturity ruminations social intelligence stress teasing types of criticism wisdom

INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

A few weeks ago I published a post titled CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN.  Today, let’s quickly review the ideas presented there, and then move on to discuss a few more.

Review

When one person has a conflict with another person, we call this an interpersonal conflict.  An intrapersonal conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

When we describe a conflict using the DIG Conflict Model, the letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and finally, the GUILT.  Earlier, we looked at the following example of an intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie13

When we looked earlier at this example, I provided the following tentative description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister.  He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

It would be simpler to describe this conflict by saying:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her.  He felt guilty about it.

In this simpler description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt.  But they all took place in the past.  To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future.  This skill will help us to prevent similar conflicts from recurring over and over again.

Okay, so there’s our summary in what was presented the last time we discussed intrapersonal conflicts.  Let’s now move on to some more advanced ideas.

Advanced Lesson

Whenever we have a conflict with ourselves, we oftentimes present to ourselves some negative criticism.  In the above three panels of the Charlie Brown comic, Charlie Brown indicates he has evaluated how he treated his sister and he makes it clear that he doesn’t like what he did.  When we evaluate something and state we don’t like what we evaluated, we have provided negative criticism.

In an earlier blog, we looked at providing negative criticism during interpersonal conflicts.  We saw that according to the DIG Conflict Model, there are five levels of maturity when it comes to providing negative criticism (see blog post titled, PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM:  FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY).  Level 1 is viewed as the most immature level, and level 2 is viewed as a bit more mature, and so on.  Readers of this blog were encouraged to familiarize themselves with the five levels, and then to use them in the following way:

First, they learn to recognize that they are getting ready to provide somebody criticism.

male criticism

Then they pause to think about how they are likely to provide the criticism.

Jack criticism 2

Then, before they provide the negative criticism, they decide what level of maturity the criticism they are likely to give is at.  If it is below level 4, they try to change the criticism so that it matches level 4, or even level 5.

In this example, the man is the employer of the woman who wrote a report.  After looking it over, he sees he is likely to provide criticism in a style that would best match level 2, which states:

2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Now, I understand that some of you might feel that the employer deserves a higher rating because he does explain what the offending behavior is when he says the report is stupid.  But this just indicates in some vague way that he doesn’t like the report using the insulting word, “stupid.”  In my opinion, his comment is not an adequate description of what he doesn’t like about the report to warrant a more mature rating.

Seeing that this type of criticism is a bit immature, the man’s job in this example would then be to try to come up with a form of criticism that matches one of the more mature levels.  One of the more mature levels is level 4:

4.   The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

In this example, by pausing and thinking about level 4, the man asks himself to describe his criticism in a clearer, more precise way than shouting “The report is stupid!”  To help him to clarify his thoughts, he uses the word “DIG.”  Thus, he says to himself that “I desire that in the future this woman who wrote this report will follow the directions that I give her and interfering with this desire is the fact that in this report she did not do so.  I think she is guilty of ignoring my directions.”

Having slowed down so he can think about this, the man now decides that the best way to provide the criticism to the woman is to wait until he has managed to calm himself down enough so he can speak to her using a respectful tone of voice and without any insulting words.  Then he will go over the first direction he had given to her and ask her to describe how she might have written the report so that he would have seen that the report writer is following his direction.  If she is not sure how to respond, he could then explain more thoroughly what he wants when she attempts to follow this direction.  After clarifying the first direction, he could go over in a similar way his second direction, and so forth.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only resolution to this employer’s conflict.  For example, he could instead assign the best report writer in his company to mentor this employer.  The mentor would review each of her reports before she hands them in, show her copies of high quality reports, and so on.   The point is that this employer can improve the quality of his criticism by pausing before providing the criticism, thinking about how he is preparing to provide the criticism, comparing it to the five levels of providing negative criticism, and then seeking a way to change the criticism to something that matches a more mature level.

With intrapersonal conflicts we carry out a similar plan as we do with interpersonal conflicts.

Let’s return to our Charlie Brown example:

Charlie13

Here we see that even before first recognizing he is about to provide himself negative criticism, he has already done so.  That’s not the end of the world.  Many old habits are not easy to change quickly, and if you find yourself slipping into past styles of dealing with conflicts, you need not beat yourself up over this.  There are better ways to helpfully carry on.

In our Charlie Brown example, even after having already provided negative criticism, he can still go through the steps we discussed for dealing with interpersonal conflicts.  That is, he can first look at how he did criticize himself and then compare it to the five levels of providing criticism.  Then, he can pick out which of the five levels best matches his response.

In my judgement, Charlie Brown’s response falls somewhere between level 2 and level 3.

Level 2 states:

2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Charlie Brown, in this example does state what the offending behavior is.  That is, he says, “I shouldn’t have yelled at her, she is only a baby.”  But to match level 3 his response would have to look like this:

3.  The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

Charlie Brown’s criticism of himself, in my opinion, is not quite clear enough to fully match level three.  The fact that he repeatedly says he hates himself seems to be an example of insulting himself so that part of his criticism matches both level 2 and 3.

Once Charlie Brown figures out about what level his response had been, he could then see if he could come up with a response that better matches a more mature response, perhaps level 4, or even level 5.

Attempting to describe interpersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response.  Similarly, attempting to describe intrapersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response.  What would that look like?  Here’s one way Charlie Brown can do this:

He tells himself,

I desire that I not yell at my baby sister, but the fact that I did has led me to guess that, interfering with my desire, I’m likely to continue yelling at her.  I feel guilty for my actions.

Notice that there are no insults in this statement.  This statement is an important step toward coming up with negative criticism that matches a level 4 or 5 response.  Charlie Brown still must go on from here to come up with a plan that can help him to become less likely to yell at his baby sister.  Next week we will begin to look at some plans to help him do just that.

Practice

For those of you who truly want to become a master at dealing with intrapersonal conflicts, I recommend that you now take the time to either print out the five levels of providing negative criticism (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM:  FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY) or if you don’t have a printer, write them out in any way you can.  Then, tape them to your refrigerator door.  This week, each time you see them, try to recall some time that you provided negative criticism to yourself.  Try to recall just what you said to yourself.  Then, try to see what level best matched what you said to yourself, and if it is less than a 4 or 5 level, try to create a response that would match a higher level response.  With this type of practice, you will soon see some real progress in your skills to deal effectively with intrapersonal conflicts.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum guilt insults interpersonal conflicts intrapersonal conflicts Name calling negative criticism social intelligence wisdom

CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN

Lately, we have been focusing largely on conflicts that deal with one person having a conflict with another person.  We call these interpersonal conflicts.

Today we begin to turn our attention to intrapersonal conflicts.  This type of conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

We can see both of these types of conflicts occurring in the following Peanuts comic.  If you will, see if you can identify them.

Charlie1

USING THE LETTERS IN THE WORD “DIG” TO DESCRIBE A CONFLICT

charlie nowThe intrapersonal conflict is within Charlie Brown.  We can describe his conflict using the DIG Conflict Model that we have been discussing in earlier posts.

The letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us that when we want to describe a conflict in some situation, it is helpful to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and, finally, the GUILT.  Using this approach, we can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict as follows:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future.  He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

In addition to the intrapersonal conflict in the above comic, there appears to be also a fairly clear example of an interpersonal conflict in the above comic.  It involves Lucy and Linus.

Charlie1

Lucy seems to have a desire that Linus leave her things alone but the fact that he was reading her comic book suggests to her that, interfering with her desire, he will continue to use her things.  The fact that Lucy is yelling at Linus and threatening to chase him out of the country suggests that she sees him as guilty of doing something wrong.

As a first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with interpersonal conflicts, on this blog we have spent some time learning to describe them in a familiar manner, using the word “DIG” as a reminder to look for the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt.  As we can see in the above example, we can use the word “DIG” in a similar way for intrapersonal conflicts.

In this next comic, again Charlie Brown has an intrapersonal conflict.  See if you can describe it in terms of his desire, something interfering with his desire, and his guilt of doing something wrong.

charlie10.png.jpg

There are several good ways to describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict.  Here’s one–Charlie Brown seems to desire to go home and do his school work, but interfering with this, he is going to the movies.  He appears to be feeling guilty about going to the movies.

Let’s try one more.  Again, see if you can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict with the help of the letters in the word “DIG.”

charlie9.png

This is a tricky one because it is not clear if Charlie Brown feels guilty. One reasonable description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal situation follows.

Charlie Brown seems to have a desire to become a big-league player, but interfering with his desire is his observation of how he has been playing.  It is clear he feels terrible about how he has been playing but, as I said, it’s not clear if he feels guilty about how he has been playing. In this situation, using the DIG Conflict model we say Charlie Brown has a desire interference problem.

Thanks for playing along.  By now, you have had some practice using the first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with intrapersonal conflicts and desire interference problems, that is, to describe certain situations using the letters in the word “DIG” as an aid to remind you to dig for the desire, the interfering act and the perceived guilt.

A CONFLICT, TO EXIST, MUST REFER TO AN EVENT THAT WILL OCCUR IN THE FUTURE

When we use the DIG Conflict Model to describe a conflict, it is advantageous to phrase the conflicts as something relevant to the future. Consider the first intrapersonal conflict we discussed today:

Charlie13

Let’s take another look at how I described it:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future. My guess is that he feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

Now one simpler way to say this might be:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her.  He felt guilty about it.

In this description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt.  But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future.

Try not to misunderstand me here.  People oftentimes think about and discuss conflicts that occurred in the past.

charlie11.png.jpg

charlie10.png.jpg

According to the DIG Conflict model, a conflict, if it currently exists, must have, in part, the following two conditions:

  1. A person has a desire that an act will occur. 
  2.  A person must perceive that someone is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.

Framing a conflict as connected in some way to the future is forward looking.  It helps us to focus in on what we can do to make a change that can alter the future for the better.

If we could ask Charlie Brown some questions about what led him to feel so blue, we would discover that he does probably perceive that what happened is connected to something relevant to his future.  For example, imagine how Charlie would respond if I asked him, “Why are you sad that you made your sister cry?  That happened already and there is nothing you can do about it now.”

He might answer, “Maybe feeling sad will prod me into figuring out what to do in the future so it won’t happen again.” Or, he might say, “I don’t know, I just am.”  If he answers in the first way, he will be thinking more like a person with a mature idea of what it means to have a conflict. It is this level of maturity that I am trying to encourage. It will take some time for many of you to come to fully understand the value of this, but if you stick with this blog, you are likely to find it can become a very comfortable way to think about this stuff and very helpful.

Consider the case in which Charlie Brown, instead of insulting himself or attempting to ignore and forget the whole episode, says, “I understand why I feel uncomfortable with what I did—it was wrong. I like myself for feeling uncomfortable when I treat my sister wrong. This feeling is a tool that prods me to come up with a better way to treat my sister in the future.”

After some more thought and perhaps discussing the problem with some people he respects, let’s say that he reaches a point at which he says to himself,

“Next time my baby sister messes up a puzzle I’m working on, I’ll walk away, take some deep breaths, and remind myself that she is just a baby.  And maybe I can do some things to prevent this situation from ever coming about.  Hmm, let me see here.  Oh, I know what I can do.  Whenever I work on a puzzle, instead of doing it on the floor, I could do it high up in a place that my sister can’t reach.”

This would be a better point to arrive at. As Charlie Brown reaches for this level of understanding, he will be more hopeful that he will be able to work out his conflict, and therefore be less depressed.  If you continue to follow this blog, you will learn to master the set of skills necessary for resolving conflicts in this mature way.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied Bus stop ignorance conflict resolution criticism free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum insults Name calling negative criticism playful teasing types of criticism wisdom

INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE CASE OF THE MAN SENTENCE TO JAIL FOR MOCKING DISABLED GIRL

A while back I saw a YouTube video dealing with insults that made someone cry went viral.  It is called, Bus Stop Ignorance.

In the video we see 43-year-old William Bailey taunting Hope Knight, a ten-year old girl with cerebral palsy.  Hope uses crutches and Mr. Bailey, in the video, mocks the way she walks.  He also gets his son to join him in the taunting.

According to ABC news, Mr. Bailey was caught on an iPod camera by Hope’s grandmother, Marie Prince, while she was picking up Hope at the school bus stop.

William Bailey “was dragging his leg and patting his arm across his chest to pick his son Joseph up,” said Hope’s dad. “I asked him to please stop doing this. ‘My daughter can see you.’ He then told his son to walk like the R-word.”

On Nov. 27, Judge John A. Poulos of the Canton Municipal Court sentenced Mr. Bailey to 29 days in jail.

Here, sitting in front of her mother,  we see  Hope covering her eyes to hide her tearful reaction as the taunting is discussed.

disabled2

Hope was born 29 weeks premature after the Knights were involved in a head-on auto collision. When Hope was born, she weighed only two pounds, 12 ounces, which caused several medical problems resulting in two brain surgeries. She fought for her life the first two years.  And now, to have to face this….

Here’s Mr. Bailey and his son being interviewed about this incident.

disabled3

Mr. Bailey at first denied mocking Hope.  But then he said he was reacting to name-calling directed at his son. Mr. Bailey entered a plea of ‘no contest’ to a menacing charge and to disorderly conduct.

Through his lawyer, Mr. Bailey has provided an apology.  “To Hope and her family, please accept my apology for my inappropriate behavior. I know that my actions were immature and lacked the respect you deserve. I didn’t realize the impact this incident would have upon both of our families and I truly regret it.”

So, there you have it.  According to Mr. Bailey, he insulted the girl as a reaction to someone, presumably from the Knight family, calling his son names.  He doesn’t say who started it, but most people would agree that even if someone from the Knight family started the name calling first, Mr. Bailey’s reaction was still wrong.

It is interesting that many people who responded to the video and felt Mr. Bailey’s actions were wrong included in their criticism of him, insults and advocated that someone needed to beat him up.  For example, one person wrote, “I’d be worried about this idiot and his idiotic son retaliating when he’s released. Anyone with that cruel type of mentality is not to be trusted.”  Another wrote, “Would love to beat the living crap out of this turd.”

According to the DIG Conflict Model we have been discussing on this blog, providing criticism with physical attacks is the lowest level of psychological maturity on a five-level scale (see HERE).  Calling a person names or insulting the person in other ways is a level 2 response, the second lowest level of maturity.  Both physical attacks and insults increase the probability of an escalation until someone gets killed.  The last thing that is in the best interest of ten-year old Hope is for her father to end up dead.

Rather then to think of Mr. Bailey as an idiot, the DIG Conflict Model teaches us to view him at some very specific level of psychological maturity.  It also provides us some very specific information about what he has to learn to reach a higher level.

I know that many people feel that for most situations the five levels of criticism make sense but when someone acts as Mr. Bailey did, it’s time to put the five levels aside.  Moreover, they feel that it is perfectly correct to call him every name in the book!

Well, let me see if I can encourage those individuals to change their minds without calling them any names.

First of all, one reason that I view styles of providing criticism in a developmental framework is it fits my own personal experience.

When I was very young, I remember distinctly some kids in my elementary school insulting someone that was a little different than the rest of us.  I laughed along, finding the situation genuinely funny.

As I matured, at one point, some students called a kid that was also a little different than us some names, and I laughed, but as I did, I remember feeling that it wasn’t quite right.  Later that day, as we went down the stairwell at school, I told the kid I was sorry.

Then, one day I had a party and many of my friends brought dates.  At one point during the party, a couple of my friends started teasing another friend about bringing a girl to the party who wasn’t very smart.  They teased him in front of the girl, and I noticed her face turning very red.  I found that I did not laugh at all.  I thought the girl’s reaction would be enough to get my friends to stop insulting her, but a couple of minutes later they said something about her that was even more insulting.  I asked to speak to them, and we went into another room for some privacy.

“You know I love you guys,” I began, “but the things you’re saying about that girl, I’d like you to cut it out.”

“Hey,” said one of my friends, “can I help it if that girl has the intelligence of a kumquat!”

I must admit that I did let out a little involuntary laugh at this–something about the kumquat comparison struck me funny.  But I very quickly recovered and said, “The girl is really feeling bad about this teasing.”

“Listen,” said my friend, “we all tease each other and have some fun with it.  If she can’t take a little teasing, it’s her own damn fault!”

“I don’t think continuing to humiliate her is the best way to get her to be more mature,” I replied.  “Please, give her a break.”

They waved their hands at me, complaining I was turning into a political correctness police officer, but in the end, they let her alone.

Notice that as I criticized them, I didn’t use any name calling and it was certainly not my intention to throw any insults at them.  Also notice that from my experience, I changed in a particular direction as I matured.

Now, there are a great deal of additional arguments that I can make about the value of a developmental perspective, but allow me just one more for today’s post.

The story involves the first black major league baseball player, Jackie Robinson and his team mate, Pee Wee Reese.

disabled5

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey
Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done?  On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout.  Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hard, hustling play.  He stepped over to Mr. Robinson,  put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today.  And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

disabled6

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults.  I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

disabled7

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence insults negative criticism wisdom

Conflicts: Lessons from Beetle Bailey

Why would someone fling insults at you?  For the past few weeks we have discussed eight different reasons and how to deal with each one (see INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE).

Sometimes when people attempt to insult you, they are being clumsy at letting you know they have a conflict with you.

Here, it looks like Lt. Fuzz insults Sarge because he has a conflict with Sarge.  That is, Lt. Fuzz has a desire that sergeants under his command are physically fit. Interfering with Lt. Fuzz’s desire is the fact that Sarge appears to be fat.  Lt. Fuzz seems to think that Sarge is guilty of not keeping himself in solid fighting shape.

Notice that the first letters of the three conflict components (DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT) spell the word, “DIG.”  The word “DIG” helps us to remember to DIG for the conflict by looking for the DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT.

If you are to become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, when someone is trying to insult you, you must prepare yourself so that you will be able to DIG to find out what the conflict is all about even under the stress of being bombarded with belittling comments.  To become skillful at this takes some practice.

Last week’s post provided followers of this blog some practice for digging for the conflict by using a major conflict from the Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet (see post titled CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET).  Today we will have some fun using some Beetle Bailey comics to sharpen our skills and to deepen our understanding about what it means to have a conflict.

Practice

As a fun way to develop the skill of coming up with conflict descriptions, please read the Beetle Bailey comic below and then see if you can describe from Sarge’s perspective the conflict he is having with Beetle in two sentences.

In formulating your two sentences, it is important to be aware that Sarge’s look of concern on his face when he hears Beetle’s stiff muscle excuse doesn’t figure to be genuine.  Any regular reader of the Beetle Bailey comics knows that Beetle’s character, although lovable, is one of laziness and perpetual excuse- making.

Sarge, painfully aware of Beetle’s laziness, in all probability is acting concerned just to play along with the excuse, while at the same time, harassing Beetle until he gets to work.

With this in mind, there are several two-sentence conflict descriptions that people might provide here.  Here’s an example that I like: Sarge desires that Beetle gets going but interfering with his desire, hears Beetle making an excuse to stay in bed.  Because Sarge is aware that Beetle has a long history of being lazy, I’m guessing that he believes that if Beetle doesn’t get going he would be guilty of pretending to be injured to avoid his responsibilities.

Why do I like this description?  It’s brief, and it’s consistent with the model of conflict we will be learning about on this blog—The DIG Conflict Model.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

The conflict statement we just used to describe Sarge’s apparent conflict with Beetle is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place.  Once we form the statement, we can see better if a conflict does or does not exist, although we rarely can be absolutely certain.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is.

The first sentence also includes Party A’s desire,

the other party involved and the interfering act. 

Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.  In composing these two sentences, you are to imagine that you are Party A, and you are doing the best that you can to briefly explain your position.  We will be frequently using this two sentence pattern throughout this blog.

Being Specific is Good

If I was able to ask Sarge to briefly describe his conflict with Beetle, suppose he answered, “Beetle is acting like a jerk.”  The fact that Sarge’s answer is brief is good.  But Sarge’s answer just tells us that he doesn’t like some way that Beetle is behaving.  Sarge’s answer would be more precise if his answer stated what specific act he desires and the specific act that is interfering with what he desires—i.e. gets going, versus stays in bed.  His answer would be even more precise if it also provided enough information so that we understood that Sarge would view Beetle as guilty if Beetle carries out the act that would interfere with Sarge’s desire.

Conflicts and Problems

Whenever we discuss conflicts, it is important to make a distinction between conflicts and problems.  To begin, every conflict contains a problem.  The problem for Party A is how to achieve what he or she desires given the likelihood of someone acting in a way that prevents achieving the goal.

Although every conflict contains a problem, every problem is not a conflict.  To illustrate this, let’s go back to the scenario involving Sarge and Beetle.

Earlier I made the case that one reason this is probably a conflict is that Sarge probably believes Beetle is just pretending to be unable to move so he can get out of work.  Knowing Sarge from observing him over the years, I’m guessing he is very likely to think Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility of working hard even if he is a little sore.  But let’s change this scenario a little.  A doctor confirms to Sarge that Beetle has broken both of his legs.  So you can vividly envision this, let’s say Beetle got his legs broken as a bomb went off in Afghanistan while he was trying to save several of his buddies.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Sarge, when he first hears Beetle can’t get going today, assumes that Beetle is just making up some excuse.  Because of this assumption, Sarge believes he is about to engage Beetle in a conflict, but as soon as he sees a medic working on Beetle’s seriously mangled legs, he changes his mind.

Because Sarge no longer thinks Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility to get to work, he does not believe that in this situation he has a conflict with Beetle.  Does this mean that Sarge no longer has a problem?  Even if Sarge completely clears Beetle of any wrong doing, the work that he had desired Beetle to do still may need to get done.  In some situations, this is so easily handled that no problem can be identified.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the above two boxes, Sarge explains to his general that his outfit will be short-handed until a replacement can be assigned.  Such a familiar routine for an experienced sergeant could not be categorized as a problem.  But let us consider another example.  Suppose the work that Beetle is assigned to do on the day his legs are injured involves repairing some jeeps that the general requires for an urgent mission.  Now when Sarge realizes that Beetle is out of commission, he has to figure out how to still get the work done.  This may be a fairly small problem or a very difficult one involving a great deal of stress.

As these variations on the Beetle Bailey scenario illustrate, even if a conflict suddenly disappears, a problem may still be left in its wake.  The problem may be somewhat smaller than the one contained in the original conflict, about the same, or more serious.  A problem becomes a conflict when Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the incompatible act.

A Conflict, to Exist, Must Refer to Something that will Occur in the Future

Imagine Beetle getting a punch in his skinny nose.

For some, the act of getting punched is enough to declare that a conflict exists.  The punch, they say, is the conflict.  But if that’s so, why not just view the punch as a punch and nothing else?  What does the concept of a conflict add to the punch?  Hmmm.

Consider what would happen if you got punched by Sarge, and a fraction of a second later Sarge suddenly grasps his chest, screams in agony, falls to the floor, turns white, and dies of a heart attack?  Would you believe you have a conflict with Sarge?  Most people, under this set of circumstances, would answer, “NO.”  A proper definition of a conflict must account for this.

In the DIG Conflict Model, the cause of the conflict is not that you were hit, but rather that you perceive the existence of all three conflict conditions.

One of these conflict conditions is—Party A perceives that the other party is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.  If you got hit by Sarge and then Sarge suddenly dies, under this set of circumstances why are you unlikely to view yourself as having a conflict with Sarge?  The DIG Conflict Model makes the reason evident.  If Sarge dies, you no longer have any reason to perceive Sarge is likely to hit you again.

Many people intuitively understand this.  That’s why you will often hear people who find themselves in a situation that appears to be developing into a conflict quickly declare that the interfering act was an accident and the behavior won’t happen again.  Such people understand that if they can convince Party A that the interfering act that has already occurred wasn’t intentional and therefore should not be perceived as a signal that it will happen again, no conflict will be perceived.

Summary

When we summarize a conflict, it helps us to think of the word, DIG.  This reminds us to dig for the  desire, the interfering act and the guilt.

All conflicts contain a problem.  But NOT all problems are conflicts.

A conflict, to exist, must refer to something that will happen in the future.

Well, that’s your lesson for today.  Have a splendid week.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum guilt insults negative criticism psychological maturity Romeo and Juliet social intelligence threats wisdom

CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET

If you have been following this blog, you will have noticed that for the past few weeks I have relied heavily on humor to teach some of the main principles of conflicts (see for examples, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE and INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.

But a blog such as this, if it is to be a source of wisdom, must keep the reader aware that although there is much humor in conflicts, there is tragedy as well.  Comics typically emphasize the humor.  To avoid completely losing our balance, we must, from time to time, directly take on serious themes.  At such times, in the words from Shakespeare’s Henry the VIII’s prologue—

“I come no more to make you laugh; things now,

That bear a weighty and serious brow,

Sad, high, and working, full of state and woe…”

In the deepest heart of all of us there is a corner in which life just happens to work sadly.  Any discussion of conflict cannot completely ignore this.  Nevertheless, I will attempt to keep our forays into the profounder bass-notes of life fairly brief, and use humor as our main educational tool.

Assisting People to Deal with Conflicts

From time to time you will be asked to assist people with conflicts.  A situation involving friends may erupt.  Problems at school or work will naturally pop up on regular occasions.

You will find that as you begin to engage the parties involved in the conflict, some in the midst of it will angrily start to tell you what has been happening by going on and on until it begins to strain the patience of everyone listening.  Others will speak of the conflict in such vague generalities that listeners are left scratching their heads.

In this blog post you will practice using a model to assist you in coming up with a description of a conflict in a few sentences that not only will prove helpful, but will also enhance your reputation.

Consider the following three pictures created by Lois Hubertz:

    

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  In the tragic comic above there are three pictures.  Need I provide three thousand words to verbally describe them?  What if I wanted to describe briefly the conflict they portray?   To do so, I would be wise to first discuss with each of the parties what they view as causing the strife, and then after hearing them out, combine what I had learned with what I observe in the pictures.

Suppose that in my discussions I find out that the story of the two lovers in the first box and the two lovers in Shakespeare’s magnificent play, Romeo and Juliet are similar.  As in the Shakespeare play, the lovers in the tragic comic are called Romeo and Juliet, and their families are terribly bitter with one another because of angry memories of previous conflicts.

After my information gathering, what if I attempted to briefly describe the conflict from Juliet’s point of view as follows:

Juliet desires to marry Romeo, but interfering with this, her father has made it clear to her that he does not want to give her the legally required permission.  Although she recognizes that her father, if he were to consent, would be in hot water with the rest of their family, Juliet feels that he is guilty of being wrong because for her sake he should have the guts to stand up to them. 

Are these sentences sufficient?

Obviously, compared to a Shakespeare play, my two-sentence summary, just like any two-sentence summary, must ignore the subtleties and related conflicts that are revealed by a fully crafted play.  But there are many times when we can sufficiently grasp a situation without using a style of language that many find hard to grasp or by sitting down for hours to study an insightful narrative.  Using an easy to learn pattern of constructing two sentences from each party’s perspective may very well serve to set the stage for the creation of a plan that will resolve the conflict at hand to the satisfaction of all the involved parties.

A Definition of Conflict

When we attempt to come up with a brief description of a conflict, it helps to have a good definition of the word “conflict” at hand.  On this blog we will be using a definition derived from what I refer to as the DIG Conflict Model.

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

  1. Party A desires an act will occur.
  2. Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire. 
  3. Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third.  If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

In earlier blog posts, I’ve described how to use the word DIG to help craft a brief summary of a conflict and we have practiced this method a few times as well (see, for example, DIG FOR THE CONFLICT).  To get to be an expert at this method, it helps to review some of the ideas from time to time.

The conflict statement I used to describe the conflict Juliet is having with her father is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place–first the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is, Party A’s desire, the other party involved, and the act that is interfering with the desire.  Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.

Why do we Bother to Break up the Concept of a Conflict?

So far, we have seen that the DIG Conflict Model breaks up the concept of a conflict into its three conflict conditions (desire, interference and guilt).  In future blog posts we will find this helpful because some conflicts are confusing to understand all at once.

Very simple conflicts can be looked at as a single unit with little difficulty. However, more complicated conflicts will leave us scratching our heads.  The skill to break up the conflict into its three conditions allows us to familiarize ourselves with smaller, more easily understandable parts.  Then, when we join the parts together, the whole becomes easier to grasp.

Moreover, sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.  That is, one strategy to resolve a conflict we are struggling with is the following:

1. Look at each easier to understand part, either just the desire, or the interfering act or the guilt.

2. Think about making some change that will affect just that part.

3. Then think about how that change will impact the whole conflict.

By doing this, we frequently find a resolution that we would have otherwise missed if we kept wrestling with the entire conflict as one huge unit.  In future blog posts we will see many examples of this.

Using the DIG Conflict Model in Real Conflicts

In a real conflict, after you do your best to summarize the conflict, it is important to check with the different people involved to see if they agree with you.  As you discuss this with them, you will find that this often leads to those who are involved clarifying what the issues are. As you assist them in going through this process, there is an excellent chance that they will find this helpful.  In time, people will come to respect you for this.

I know some of these ideas are new and you may feel confused about some of the issues I have been discussing.  If you keep following this blog, you will get more and more comfortable with these ideas.  In time, you’ll see more clearly how helpful they can be.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied comic strip conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence insults jealousy Name calling negative criticism playful teasing psychological maturity social intelligence teasing types of criticism wisdom

INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and infighting.  You are judged on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

Our two friends are getting pretty silly in this exchange.  I guess being silly is part of the fun.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game, not by how silly the interactions are, but by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  They realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Immature people can come across as mean when they tease.

In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends up smiling even though Violet ends up feeling upset.  I would have liked Lucy to show some concern about how Violet ends up feeling.

It is certainly understandable why Violet ends up feeling upset.  We all have a strong desire to be liked.  The fact that there are other people watching while Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with the teasing even harder.  But what if Violet, instead of going away looking upset, ended up responding to Lucy in the following way?

“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a smile.  “I guess you won this round.  Well done!”  Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her head before going on her way.

If Violet would have acted this way, it would have shown the other kids that she can take a little teasing without getting upset.  This seems to many people a sign of maturity.  We can’t expect everyone to have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Calvin went a little too far in his teasing.

I think a conflict has sprung up.

When I think about a conflict I think about the word DIG.  That reminds me to dig to find in the situation the desire, what is interfering with the desire, and someone who feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong.

DIG=Desire, Interfering, and Guilt

In the above comic, Calvin desires to create a situation that would lead to some fun but perceives his actions have led to a situation that is interfering with fun.  He feels he is guilty of doing something wrong.

Troubled by how Susie has reacted, Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a bit angry.  It seems to me that his genuine concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign of emerging maturity.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

The sadness that Susie feels is coupled with her recognition that, without Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than she does.

How might Calvin handle this situation?

Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy thing to do.  I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones, they still can hurt quite a bit.

When Calvin goes over to Susie to make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

Sometimes when we try to fix a problem it doesn’t work.  That doesn’t mean we have to give up.  We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teasing does so in a manner that looks to someone watching on as not fun.

At other times, people who tease don’t realize that they really have created a very uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes when people call you names or insult you in some other way, you may not be sure why they are doing this.  One thing to try is to say, “I’m not sure why you are trying to put me down.  Is everything okay?  Are you mad at me about something?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down a list of other desires that motivate insults. By becoming familiar with these other desires, confusion can oftentimes be quickly brought under control and a plan generated to address the concerns of all involved parties.

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

If you follow this blog you will become familiar with eight different desires that can motivate name calling and teasing.  This will help you to spot them even when you are beginning to feel defensive.  When you learn to see the real desire motivating the criticism, you will find it much easier to act wisely.

Below is the list of the eight desires.  It might be wise to print out this list and place it in a convenient place.  Then, whenever you are called names or teased, you can get it out.  By going down the list you might more quickly figure out what is going on.

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

The desires that oftentimes motivate name calling, insults and teasing are:

1. The desire to encourage or discourage some action.

2.  The desire to release stress because the criticizer is in a bad mood.

3.  The desire to take out on you what someone else did to the insulter.

4.  The desire to be left alone for some quiet time.

5. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.

6. The desire to test someone to determine worthiness to be admitted into a group.

7. Jealousy.

8. Playful teasing.

Well, there you have it, the eight desires that lead to name calling, insults and teasing.  You can already find some suggestions for dealing with most of the various types of desires from checking out some earlier posts.

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
  2. Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
  4. Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
  5. The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)

In future blog posts we’ll explore all of these issues more thoroughly.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence negative criticism threats wisdom

CONFLICT: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

In an early post on this blog I discussed the fact that often the reason why people might call you a name, insult or tease you is that they have a conflict with you (see the posts titled DIG FOR THE CONFLICT, CONFLICTS AND FRUSTRATION, and SUMMARIZE AND DELAY).

For many of us, as soon as we see that someone has a conflict with us, we get defensive, and perhaps we might shout out something like, “How dare you speak that way to me!” or “You’re a stupid idiot!”

When you become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, rather than becoming defensive, the first thing you do is to let the person who has a conflict with you know you care that he or she is upset.  Then you artfully summarize the conflict that has led to the disrespectful behavior even when you are being insulted.  You can learn to do this, but it takes some practice.  With the help of our comic strip friends, we can learn this skill while having some fun as we go about doing so.

We’ll begin by reviewing what a conflict is, then discuss the plan to summarize a conflict, and then we’ll practice using this plan by looking at comics that depict a  conflict.

What is a Conflict?

In the above Peanuts comic, despite Peppermint Patty’s delightful attempt to convince the teacher to raise her grade, the teacher won’t bend.  Do you think Peppermint Patty has, at any point in this comic, a conflict with her teacher? How do you define a conflict?

Some of my students respond to these two questions by saying something like,

When people are upset about something they have a conflict.  When they aren’t upset anymore, BINGO, the conflict is resolved.  Peppermint Patty seems to be upset about her grade, especially in the next to last scene.  Therefore she has a conflict with her teacher. 

In the very last scene, Peppermint Patty still doesn’t look happy, but perhaps the teacher’s comment praising her oratory skills has lifted her spirits enough so that she is no longer upset.  If so, does this mean her conflict has been resolved?

I get mixed answers to this question.

Some of my students, when thinking about the meaning of conflict, talk about someone getting in the way of someone else’s desire.  If Peppermint Patty feels her teacher is getting in the way of her desire to get a higher grade, she has a conflict with her teacher.  Saying “getting in the way of someone’s desire” is the same as saying “interfering” with someone’s desire.

Still others emphasize guilt—if Peppermint Patty believes her teacher is guilty of doing something wrong, she has a conflict with her.

When I say I have a conflict I mean that I have a desire, I believe that someone is likely to do something that interferes with my desire, and I believe that someone would be guilty of doing something wrong if the person does interfere with my desire.

When I have a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what I DESIRE in this situation,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

what is INTERFERING with my desire,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

and why I believe someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I see conflicts as types of triangles.

PRACTICE

“I’m not kidding around anymore, Mrs. Snyder–you have our book, we have your son!”

Let’s pretend that you are Mrs. Snyder, the mother of this tied up boy, and you get this phone call from this librarian.  Let’s call the librarian, Ms Jones.  You feel that the way Ms Jones is shouting at you is disrespectful.  But instead of shouting back at her, you decide to first let her know in a caring way that you understand that she is upset.  Then you summarize the conflict.  If you will, please utilize the word DIG to remind you of the words, desire, interfering and guilt.   Then come up with a statement that you would say to the librarian that includes a brief description of the conflict to her in two or three sentences.  After you give this a try, compare your statement to mine.

Here’s my statement to the librarian:

I can hear that you are very upset, Ms Jones.  I think I understand your conflict with us.  You desire to get the library’s book back.  Interfering with your desire, my son has not returned the book and you feel that he is guilty of being wrong for not returning it.  Is that correct?

This type of statement takes less then a minute of your time.  It helps both you and the other party in the conflict to clarify what the conflict is all about.  You will find that many times you think you know what the conflict is all about, but it turns out that you missed something very important.  By presenting your summary statement in the form of a question, you give the other party a chance to clarify what all of the issues are.

Now, when the librarian indicates that she has a conflict with you, you may be tempted to bring up a conflict that you have with her.  For example, if you are Mrs. Snyder, you might feel that you have a desire that Ms. Jones speak to you in tones indicating respect.  Interfering with this desire, you feel her shouting is disrespectful.  You feel she is guilty of being disrespectful.  In most situations you would be wise to put this secondary conflict on hold until the first conflict that came up is worked on for a bit, and then some time has passed until the sea of conflict has calmed.  We’ll look at some exceptions to this rule in future posts.

Let’s try another one:

In this comic, if you will, make believe you are Peppermint Patty.  See if you can come up with a statement to Marcie that summarizes Marcie’s conflict with you.  Try to make it consistent with the DIG Conflict Model.  Then compare it to mine.

Here’s the statement I came up with:

Marcie, I can see you are really upset with me.  Let me see if I understand the reason why.  When you lend something to me, you desire that I return it.  I’ve been interfering with your desire when I’ve borrowed quite a few things from you and I haven’t returned them.  You feel that I am guilty of being wrong to keep doing this.  It that right?

To come up with my statement, I first tried to come up with something that showed Marcie that I cared that she was upset.  If this was a real situation, I would make sure that when I said the first sentence in my statement, I looked at least two seconds into Marcie’s eyes in a caring way and I used a tone of voice designed to let her know I am concerned about what is going on.  As I continued to design my statement, I thought to myself that I have to DIG for the conflict.  Then the letters in the word “dig” reminded me to try to find Marcie’s desire, what she thinks I have done to interfere with her desire, and what she thinks I’m guilty of doing wrong.  Notice that I ended my statement with a question that invites Marcie to correct anything I might have said that she thinks is wrong.

Let’s try one more.

Pretend, if you will, that you are Linus.  Keep in mind that when someone is angry with you, as Lucy is, it’s probably not the best time to discuss philosophy.  See if instead of the comments Linus makes in the comic, you can summarize the conflict Lucy has with you by utilizing the DIG Conflict Model.  Then you can compare it to mine.

Here’s my statement to Lucy:

Lucy, I can see you’re upset with me.  Let me make sure I understand why.  You desire that I not tear any covers off of comic magazines.  I interfered with this by tearing the cover off of the magazine in your hand.  You feel I’m guilty of being stupid.  Is that right?

To be effective, I have to make sure that I say the first sentence in this statement while looking squarely into Lucy’s eyes and I use a tone of voice that expresses that I care about the fact that she is upset.  If you are not sure about how to express that tone of voice, consider making an appointment with an acting coach.  Just a single lesson usually is enough to teach you all that is required to master this important skill.

The key words that identify the three conditions of a conflict.

When using DIG to remind you of the three components of a conflict, it’s important to know some related words for “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” because when you are involved in a conflict it helps to vary your statements.

  • When individuals have a “desire” that some act will occur, they sometimes say they “want,” “need,” or “have a goal to achieve” it;
  • An act that “interferes” with another act “prevents,” “obstructs,” “gets in the way,” “is incompatible,” “injures,” or in some other way makes it less likely or less effective.
  • Someone who is “guilty,” is often said to be “responsible,” or is to “blame” for the behavior.  Or we feel that the guilty party “should have not done” the behavior, or that the person did something “wrong.”

Keep this in mind when you summarize a conflict.  By doing so, you will come to realize that you don’t always have to use the words “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” in your summary statement.  You can just use the word DIG to remind you of what to look for, but you can use other words to describe the three components of a conflict.  In this way, your summary statements can be created in a way that sound better to your ear.

Well, there’s your lesson for today.  I understand that there is more to resolving a conflict than the art of showing caring and summarizing the conflict.  We’ll get to all of the crucial skills necessary to resolve conflicts in future blog posts.

In time you will find that the skill of summarizing a conflict is enormously helpful.  If you continue to follow this blog, you’ll meet up with some more practice sessions.  Eventually you will find that you can summarize a conflict as smoothly as you can name the people in your home.  And when you get that smooth at doing so, you’ll find that people in your community will come to have a higher respect for you. 

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence happiness Hope negative criticism threats wisdom

ANGER AS AN EMOTION

Recently I provided a post titled, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.  There we chiefly focused on the variety of anger expressions.

Anger, in addition to being viewed as something that we express, is also viewed as an emotion.  To deeply understand the nature of anger we must understand what emotions are.

The Four Basic Emotions

There are four basic emotions.  Two of them, hope and happiness, are positive emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

The other two, threat and grieving, are negative emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Although threat and grieving are referred to as negative emotions, they are not necessarily bad emotions. They actually can be very helpful in some situations.  And although hope and happiness are referred to as positive emotions, they are not necessarily good emotions.  Although they can be very helpful in some situations, they can make a mess of things as well.

Each of the emotions gives us a shot of energy to deal with some important moments in our lives.  The positive emotions can help us to deal with positive moments and negative emotions can help us to deal with negative moments.  To understand this a little better, let’s take a look at a quick story.

The Story of Alexandra

 Alexandra is seventeen and an excellent swimmer. 

Illustration by Eric Sailer

She is fully confident that she has the skills necessary to use her legs and arms in a coordinated way that will enable her to reach the surface of the water in time to avoid drowning.

Because of her confidence about her swimming skills, Alexandra doesn’t experience any emotion about her swimming.  There is a mild, pleasant feeling that she has when she swims, but this is different than what I will mean when I refer to an emotional experience.   For sure, there are some feelings that we have during an emotional experience, but they are stronger than other feelings. 

Because Alexandra is so confident that her swimming skills can deal with anything she will have to deal with while swimming, Alexandra can carry out her skills without much thought.  This permits Alexandra to free her attention from staying completely focused on her swimming.  Her thoughts begin to drift away from her swimming to events that happened in her past. 

“That boy I met yesterday at the ice cream store was real cute!” she recalls.  She then begins to think about what she has in store for her when she returns to school after the weekend.

Some of these thoughts that are drifting around in her head do lead to some emotional reactions.  “Mrs. Smothers might yell at me in front of the whole class because I didn’t do well on my science test!” her thoughts cry out.  This threatens her desire to be treated with respect.  Her heart begins to pound as she begins to focus more intensely on this, and she is now experiencing the emotion of threat.

Suddenly Alexandra finds her foot has become entangled in sea plants. 

This is a dramatic change in what she had expected to occur while she went about her swim.  Recognizing a threat, Alexandra’s attention shifts rapidly away from the images of what might happen at school to what is going on in her present physical world where she is swimming.  At the same time, she begins to experience an emotion about what is currently happening to her.

Alexandra’s emotion is serving the function of giving her an extra burst of energy, and she uses it to begin to carry out the fight-or-flight response.  This is serving the function of trying to keep her alive.  First, she says to herself, “If I don’t get free, this could turn out bad!”  While saying this she tries to take flight from the grip of the plants and experiences the emotion of fear.  Her effort fails.  She then turns angry as her thoughts cry out, “Let go of me you stupid plants!”  And with that, her legs fight against the grip of the plants by giving a violent yank, thus tearing her free.

She now feels hopeful that she can reach the surface and breathe safely, but her hopeful emotion keeps her extra focused on what is happening in case there are any more problems that may spring up.

When Alexandra reaches the surface, happiness wells up in her as she takes her first breath in beautiful safety. 

 

 

Story Interpretation

In this story we get an introduction to what people do when they are NOT experiencing an emotion about something that is currently happening to them.  Here’s the idea in a nutshell:  Oftentimes we go on automatic pilot.  That is, when we develop enough confidence that the desires we hope to achieve in the near future can be achieved by a set of skills that are already well practiced, we may set them in motion, freeing our attention for other matters.

Alexandra, at the beginning of our story, has a desire to safely get some exercise and to achieve this she goes for a swim.  She has done this often enough in this area that she is confident enough that nothing will go wrong.  Thus, early on during her swim, she does not experience any emotion regarding her swim.

The story makes a distinction between emotion and feeling.  The touch of the water can be pleasant to some, and to others, unpleasant.  Emotions, as I define them, do have feelings that accompany them.  Emotions involve a distinctly stronger charge of energy than feelings in general.  This stronger charge of energy is most easily observed by the quickened pace of our heartbeat.  The extra energy permits us to stay focused on the situation that triggers the emotion and to carry out far more work than the more gentle states that tend to produce a rather quick smile or frown.

With the energy that is freed up when Alexandra utilizes her automatized swimming skills, she begins to think of other desires besides getting her exercise in for the day.  What she thinks about while exploring her memories and anticipations of future events in her imagination may lead to an emotion just as much as what she meets in the present physical world.

Another aspect of automatized skills that this story introduces is the idea that as we use them, we are still appraising the environment in case we notice an important change in what we are expecting.  Appraising means evaluating or assessing.  We are not always aware that this appraisal is going on, but we realize its existence each time we suddenly notice something unexpected and find our attention drawn to it.

In the story, Alexandra suddenly notices her foot is caught in the plants and she is not expecting this to happen.  This is a change in what she is expecting to happen as she goes about her swim.  She evaluates this change as threatening her desire for safety. Alexandra uses her burst of energy to carry out some skills that set her free.

One set of skills that she uses is to cry out in her mind, “Let go of me you stupid plants!” At this point, Alexandra is experiencing anger.  Because Alexandra is under water, she cannot scream these words out loud, but under normal conditions, she probably would.

If it was an animal or a person who had hold of her leg, Alexandra’s screams might have scared away the attacker.  Or her screams might have been heard by friends who could have come to her rescue.  And so, under some sets of circumstances, the angry screams could have helped to save her life, but not under water.  Instead, Alexandra’s skill to violently yank her foot away from the grip of the plant saves her.

In this blog, whenever people are experiencing the basic emotion of threat and then they either give off a signal that a fight might occur at any second, or they actually begin to fight, they experience anger.  In last week’s blog post when we saw our comic strip friends displaying such actions as glaring, waving their fingers, shouting, insulting, or baring their teeth, they were giving off signals that a fight might soon occur.

A threat to any desire can lead to the basic emotion of threat.  Examples are a desire to be liked, to be treated with respect and to be free to make our own choices.

In the story of Alexandra, when she becomes angry her actions end up saving her life.  As helpful as anger can be in certain types of situations, it can often make a situation worse.  Moreover, even when helpful, anger still may not be the best response choice.  To become wise, you must learn to recognize when to use anger, when to replace it with something better, and how to prepare yourself so that you can skillfully carry out more optimal plans even under highly threatening conditions.  By following this blog, you will learn these very skills.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict stress wisdom

ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

If you have been following this blog you know that I have discussed anger on several occasions (See, for example, BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2).  During these discussions, I mentioned that how you handle anger has a big influence on how much people like and respect you.  Today we delve into the nature of anger a little more with the help of some of our favorite comic strip buddies.

Getting Familiar with Anger

 

Most of us have a pretty good idea about what it means to be angry.  In the above comic, when Charlie Brown is shouting at Lucy and wildly waving his hands above his head, we’re pretty sure he is in the midst of an angry fit.

Although you already know, in some general way, what it means to be angry, if I was to ask you to quickly create a list of the various expressions and experiences that go along with anger, you might have to pause for a few seconds and your list might end up leaving out several important ones.  Moreover, some readers might have a somewhat different idea of what anger means than I do.  This might lead them to become confused about some of my statements.  And so, because we will be discussing situations that involve anger, it will be a valuable use of our time to take a quick look at anger as revealed in comics and for me to make some comments along the way.

Shouting and Glares

Consider this Luann comic.

Here, we see blond-haired Tiffany planning to put on a beauty pageant contest that she desires to win.  Suddenly, Tiffany experiences a conflict with Crystal.  What I mean by this is, Tiffany seems to desire to enjoy her thoughts about the glory of winning her pageant.  Interfering with this, Crystal throws out statements suggesting Tiffany might not win.  Judging from Tiffany’s angry reaction, I’m guessing she thinks Crystal is guilty of doing something wrong.  I’m hoping that you notice that the first letter of “desire,”  “interfering”,  and “guilt” spell out the word DIG.  It can remind you how to summarize a conflict. (To learn more about what it means to have a conflict, see my post, DIG for the Conflict).

In a sense, Tiffany set sail on the great Sea of Conflict just about when Crystal asks, “And if they don’t pick you?”

When Tiffany begins to glare at Crystal and shout, she has probably sailed into a region of conflict known as anger.  Assuming that someone isn’t pretending to be angry, the actions of glaring and shouting are pretty clear signs that indicate someone is angry.

Quiet Anger

Even when someone is not shouting, anger may be present.

In the above exchange between Luann and Tiffany, when they are whispering it is obvious that they are angry with each other.  The glaring and insult darts that they are throwing at each other provide us adequate signs that they are angry at each other.

Other Expressions of Anger

During conflicts, besides glaring, insults, and shouting there are a few other signs that indicate we are in the region of anger.  Consider the following Blondie comic.

Here, we see not only shouting, insults and glaring as signs of anger, but also pointing while waving a finger, insults and name calling.  I notice in the last panel that Blondie is giving Dagwood a little love.  I wonder if that will ease his anger.

See if you can see some additional anger signs in the following Retail comic.

Val, the woman with black hair, begins her expression of anger by placing her hands on her hips and widening her eyes.  She then crosses her arms in front of her, lowers her eyebrows, and threatens Courtney.

Below, we see Marcie express her anger a little differently.

In addition to shouting, Marcie throws up her hands and then begins to throw objects at Peppermint Patty.

Can you describe the turtle’s expression of anger in this next one?

As I see it, in this Sherman’s Lagoon comic when the turtle yells “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” he expresses his anger by insulting Sherman.  He also expresses his anger by banging his fist on the table.

In the comic below, how does the woman in orange express her anger?

The woman is shouting while leaning forward in a threatening manner and baring her teeth.

Next, we have a Piranha Club comic.

Notice that the woman goes beyond threats to express her anger, using direct physical violence.

In our next example, again someone goes beyond a threat to express anger.

Lucy expresses her anger by waving her fist, and then she ends up throwing a snowball at poor ol’ Charlie Brown.

Next, Helga doesn’t display any of the signs we already mentioned, and yet we and her husband still recognize that she is angry.

As this comic illustrates, withdrawing love may be a sign of anger.

Overt and Covert Anger

Overt anger refers to anger that is expressed in ways that we can clearly see, hear, or—as in the example of the woman slugging a guy—feel.

Other overt cues that may be interpreted as anger are frowning, blushing in the face or neck, not smiling, agitated rigid movements, apparent tension in the body, heavy walking, grinding one’s teeth, and a protruding neck vein.

In addition to overt anger, sometimes people attempt to hide their anger.

When people are angry inside but don’t show us outwardly that they are angry, we may say that they are experiencing covert anger.

When we attempt to determine if someone is angry, we may only be partially successful.  Because of the subtlety and variety of the clues that may suggest someone is covertly angry, we will at times guess wrongly.

In an effort to avoid offending some of their readers, there are several overt expressions of anger that we don’t observe in newspaper comics.  Crying out, “Jesus Christ!” and “God almighty!” are examples of religious-themed anger responses.  Shouting out curses are very popular in some circles.  Sometimes people, knowing these expressions of anger will get them in trouble, find themselves saying these words silently to themselves.

Often people show some aspects of their anger overtly while experiencing a commotion of other aspects of their anger inside of themselves that they do not wish to share with others.  They may find themselves silently cursing while imagining attacking the perceived cause of their anger.  They may feel hot, nervous, a tightness in their forehead, or a pounding in their blood vessels and heart.  Covert anger refers to all of the thoughts and body reactions of anger that others can’t observe.  Both overt and covert anger go along with the entire experience of anger.

Not All Expressions of Anger are Real Anger

On occasion, people will act angry when they are not.  This may be done, for example, because they think such actions will scare someone into fulfilling their desires.  At other times, they may desire to appear manly and believe displaying anger is manly.  And sometimes their friends are acting angry about something and in an effort to support their friends they may pretend that they are also angry.

Not All Conflicts Contain Anger

When we are in a conflict with someone, we are not always angry at the person whom we believe is guilty of doing something wrong.

In this Garfield comic, Jon may very well have a conflict with Liz that can be described as follows—Jon desires that Liz develop a better sense of humor and that she not twitch her nose when she is angry, but interfering with this, her actions have been suggesting to him that she will not be changing these attributes in the foreseeable future.  If asked, Jon might admit that Liz is guilty of being less than a perfect companion.  Nevertheless, Jon appears so in love with Liz that if we were to ask him if he is angry with her it’s not hard to imagine him saying, “Are you kidding!?  I’m not angry at her, I’m crazy about her!”

When we are engaged in a conflict, instead of feeling angry, we may feel fear, hope, loving kindness, sadness, humorous, and a sense of challenge.

Sometimes a Conflict begins in Anger and then it Fades Away Into the Distance

Oftentimes, when a conflict first begins, a person initially becomes angry.  As time goes by, people often find that they can sail away from anger to other less hostile regions on the great Sea of Conflict.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Summary

This blog post was designed to introduce you to some basic ideas about anger.  We focused on the various expressions and experiences of anger.  In future blog posts, we will go over such topics as how anger is related to other emotions, what we mean by emotions, what are the functions of the various emotions, and how we can learn to use our emotions wisely.  Although these topics can be very serious, with the help of our comic strip buddies, we can have some fun along the way.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Joe Biden Mitt Romney negative criticism Paul Ryan playful teasing President Obama presidential debates psychological maturity types of criticism wisdom

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

If you have been following this blog, you know that lately we have been working on becoming masters at dealing with criticism.  One important lesson that we have focused in on is that in designing our response to a particular criticism it is crucial that we figure out why the person is criticizing us.

Let’s say, for example, that John, upon entering my home and noticing the TV show I’m watching, criticizes me, saying, “Jeff, you’re an idiot for watching this stupid comedy.”  As he says this, I look at him and see from his eyes and the way he says it, that his comment is designed with the genuine hope I might make some improvement in my TV viewing habits.  In that case, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to say warmly, “I appreciate your concern, John.  I think it does make some sense that I start thinking about how much time I spend watching lightweight shows.”   Such a response would show John that I respect what he has to say enough that I’m willing to give it some real thought.

Now, what if John had used the exact same words to criticize me about the comedy show that I’m watching, but I notice that he has a twinkle in his eye and that he watches the same show.  I put this together with the fact that I know John likes to playfully criticize people.  Under this set of circumstances, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to look directly into John’s eye, give him a light chuckle and then a nod of my head.  This would show him that I can take a little kidding around without getting defensive, and that I appreciate his attempt at a little humor.

Just as it makes sense for us to figure out why someone is criticizing us in order to design the best way to respond to the criticism, it makes an equal amount of sense for the president and vice president, as they prepared for their debates, to try to figure out why their opponent in the debate might seek to criticize them.

President Obama versus Governor Romney

Perhaps the president, while preparing for the debate, thought, “My opponent will be criticizing me to convince other voters to vote for him.”  But actually that thought would have been too imprecise.  More likely, the president thought that his opponent was interested in convincing only a small group of voters to vote for him–those who were still undecided and lived in the “battleground states” such as Ohio and Florida.

An analysis of this group of voters indicated that they hate it when the candidates are nasty and uncivil against their opponents.  As Ben Feller of the Associated Press wrote last night, “The danger for the aggressor is that both campaigns know the remaining undecided voters at home want answers for them, not partisan bickering.”  And so, President Obama, understanding this, was friendly with his opponent, Governor Romney,  and avoided personal attacks.

After the debate, many declared that the president lost the debate.  And it is true that nationally, Governor Romney did get a clear bump from his debate performance.  But according to Gail Collins of today’s New York Times, in the election-deciding battleground states that matter, most polls suggest the first presidential debate has not had a significant impact.  The president had a lead before the debate, he wanted to avoid significantly damaging that lead, and he largely succeeded.

Vice President Biden versus
Congressman Ryan

Now, in contrast to how President Obama acted toward his opponent in his debate, Vice President Joe Biden in his debate with Congressman Paul Ryan abandoned his boss’s caution.  He called some of his opponent’s ideas “a bunch of malarkey,” repeatedly interrupted Ryan, and made smirks when he was speaking.

Furthermore, Biden derisively laughed at some of Ryan’s comments and waved his hands in disgust.

This raises the question, “Didn’t Biden want to influence the same group of voters that President Obama wanted to influence?”

Actually, it turns out that this was not an issue for Biden or his opponent.  Authoritative analyses have indicated that vice presidential debates simply never influence the outcome of presidential elections.  Given that, Biden properly should have asked himself, “Whenever Ryan criticizes me during the debate, what does he hope to achieve?”  The most probable answer is that Ryan saw this as an opportunity to gain some respect as a leader in case he wants to run for president in the future.  With that in mind, according to Gail Collins, Biden “spent the entire run-up week listening to Democrats beg him not to be passive. It’s a wonder he didn’t run onto the stage and instantly bite Ryan on the ankle.”

It’s interesting that after the vice presidential debate polls indicate that about an equal number of people felt Biden won and Ryan won.  My research indicates that when a typical person, let’s call her Mary Doe, criticizes another person, Mary would lose respect for the person she is criticizing if the person responded like Joe Biden did.  And yet about half of those viewing the debate seemed OK about how Biden had acted.   How can that be?

Keep in mind that viewers of the debate saw Biden not criticizing them, but rather, someone else.  My guess is that some people who viewed the debate said to themselves, “If Biden responds to criticism from Ryan like the way he did, that’s how he would treat me if I ever criticized him.”  These people probably ended up losing respect for Biden.  Other people who viewed the debate focused in on the fact that they didn’t like Ryan’s answers and loved the fact that Biden had made it absolutely clear that he didn’t like Ryan’s answers as well.  This group of people probably ended up respecting Biden even more.  For this group of people, perhaps it never occurred to them that if Biden treated Ryan this way he could have just as easily treated them that way as well.

So there you have it, some lessons from the presidential debates.  I hope the biggest lesson that you take from this is that to become a master at responding to criticism you would be wise to seek to figure out why someone is providing you the criticism.  That can be a crucial guide to help you to design your response.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.