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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD

Over the past few weeks, I have been discussing responding to criticism.

To become a master at responding to criticism we have to learn to figure out the reason why someone is criticizing us because different reasons require a different type of response. So far, we discussed four different reasons and how to respond to them:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
  2. Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
  4. Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)

Today we will focus on dealing with criticism that occurs because the criticizer is dealing with an overload of stress.

Consider the following parable.   

Bella in the Restaurant

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Bella goes to her favorite Italian Restaurant on her first date with Gino.  Checking the menu, she starts having a desire for chicken parmigiana.  When she orders, the waiter says, “I think we might be out of chicken, but I know we have excellent eggplant parmigiana.  I’ll be right back and let you know.”  

Although Bella would prefer chicken parmigiana and thinks the manager is guilty of being wrong for not having enough chicken on hand, the eggplant parmigiana is something she would enjoy.  She feels a mild annoyance about this because she might not get exactly what she wants.  Although she is experiencing a conflict with the manager, she shrugs her shoulders and begins to discuss her day with the cute guy she came with.

Now, although Bella, on this day did not get angry, if she had experienced more than her usual amount of stress earlier in the day, even if the stress had absolutely nothing to do with what happened at the restaurant, the mild additional stress that she experienced at the restaurant when she learned it did not have the dinner she was hoping for could lead to a full anger episode.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Here we see Bella throwing over a table, but she might instead express her anger by taking it out on the boy she is with, or even you if you happened to be with her.  You might do something and find Bella launching one criticism after another at you.

When people get hot, are around a lot of noise, or have met up with one too many hassles, they oftentimes become irritable.  At such times they are more likely to say insulting things, to start shouting, or to put on a nasty looking face.

Now let’s say that you are not sure why Bella is criticizing you.  At first you respond as if Bella is simply criticizing you to encourage you to make some improvement.  Thus, your responses are beautifully consistent with level four and even level five on the five levels of maturity scale (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).   But then you see that Bella is being far more critical of you than she usually is.  You begin to go down the list in your mind of other reasons people provide criticism besides encouraging improvement.

You begin to wonder if she is playfully teasing?  She doesn’t look like she has a little twinkle in her eyes that suggests her usual playfulness.  Instead she looks very, very, serious.

Hmmm.  You consider another possibility.  Perhaps she has a desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.  But there is no one else around that she knows.  In this setting at the restaurant this just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Is she jealous of you?  This may be a possibility.  Perhaps she thought of something about you that made her jealous. You therefore apply the skills that you learned to use in the post titled BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY.

Despite your efforts, Bella continues to be hypercritical of you.  Now what might be a helpful way to respond?

If you find that Bella begins to insult you for no apparent reason or for something so trivial that it is hard to believe she is so worked up about it, you might feel puzzled.  You might feel that you’ve been mistreated and begin to insult her back.  If she’s already in a crabby mood, do you think returning insults will be helpful?

If someone starts to insult you in a manner that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, one useful thing to say to yourself is, “Maybe the insults don’t have much to do with me.  Maybe the insulter has become overly stressed out.”

To test your theory it may be helpful to softly ask, “Is everything all right, Bella?”  Then, some empathic listening may be all that is needed.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT

In my last post I discussed the YouTube video, “Making the Bus Monitor Cry.”  Let’s continue the discussion.

Why did these boys continue to say and do such hurtful things for over ten minutes?  Was it because they hoped their actions would encourage the monitor to make some improvements in her life?  This seems doubtful because their actions plainly demonstrated that they had absolutely no desire to help this woman.  Was it because they were playfully teasing her?  This is a bit more likely.  Immature people, because of their lack of empathy, may come to believe that to be successful at this game you must seek to make a person feel as rotten as you can.

These two reasons for criticizing someone—the desire to encourage improvement and playful teasing—were discussed in my last post.  Today I’d like to discuss what I believe is a more likely reason why these boys acted the way they did.

The Desire to Form a Bond with a Group by Putting Down Non-group Members

Many people have a desire to join together in a common cause.  That’s one big reason why playing games like baseball can be so much fun.  Hit a homer, or even a ground ball that brings in the winning run, and your group is patting you one the back and the fans are cheering.  When immature people express this desire, because of their lack of empathy, they can join together with others to humiliate a minority or one or more individuals who are viewed as too powerless to defend themselves.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Sometimes we see this sort of behavior occur when a new girl starts a new school.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the bus monitor situation that we saw in the viral YouTube video, there was just one bus monitor and several boys who began to criticize her weight and to seek to humiliate her in a host of other ways.  This sure looks like a classic situation in which a group of immature individuals sought to band together in a common cause.

When someone faces these types of difficult situations, what is a respectable way to respond?  No single blog post can fully answer this question, but I would like to throw out some ideas for your consideration.  Let’s begin with a parable.

The Parable of Jason and Ron

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

As we look at the pictures of this parable, let me add some details.  When Jason says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ron,” he looks squarely into Ron’s eyes.  Then he gives Ron a slight nod of his head and goes on his way.  Throughout the interaction between Jason and Ron, Jason remains friendly, while at the same time, self-assured.

When I was in school, one day I noticed a boy handle a similar situation like Jason.  The other students seemed to respect how the boy handled the teasing.  So I began to rehearse this style in front of a mirror over the course of a few days.  The next time one of the older students teased me, I gave it a try.  It ended up working just fine.

Now I understand that the bus monitor in the video was under a contract agreement that she could not just give a nod to the four boys and then walk away.  And so, what might she have done that was better than her approach?  Here’s one possibility.

She could have looked each of the boys in their eyes and made it clear that she understood what the boys had said–“You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t like what I look like.  I’ve heard you out.  Now you’re seeking to torment me.  If I see  you doing anymore tormenting, to me or to anyone else on the bus, we’ll discuss it together with the principal and you’re parents.”

If the boys did continue to seek to humiliate her, she could follow through by strongly advocating that each of the boys that were involved indeed have a meeting with their parents and principal.  There should be a separate meeting for each boy.  The boy who is being discussed should be included, but not the other boys who were involved.  Without the presence of those who cheered him on, each boy would be better able to look more squarely at the concerns of all present at the meeting.

It could be very helpful to include at each of these meetings some mature adult who has formed a close relationship with the teenager under discussion.  Oftentimes a coach, art teacher, or another adult who the teenager has come to respect, can powerfully make the point that forming bonds with others by playing the game of humiliating is just plain wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE CASE AGAINST THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

In recent blogs posts I have been discussing five levels of responding to criticism (see May 13th post and May 27th post).  Over the years most of my students have been largely supportive of its framework, but naturally there has been some criticism.  A mother, for example, told me that although she agreed with the five levels framework when adults are responding to criticism from other adults, there are times when there is nothing wrong with a parent shouting, or even whacking their children if they dare criticize them.  And then there is the case of a boy we will call Rob…

The Case of Rob

A few years ago, I was working in a juvenile correction facility that had some female cottages and some male ones.  One day, while I was having lunch with the residents of one of the female cottages, two 15-year old girls sitting beside me began to chat…

Illustration by Dianna Martinez

Both of these girls had eyes that began to glow as they discussed the bloody outcome.

I asked the girls if they really respected the way Rob had handled the conflict, and they said they did.

“Powerful people have the skill to get what they want,” I said.  “Do you girls think that Rob wants to spend a year locked up in this place?”

“No,” said Jill, “but when he gets out people are gonna know you can’t mess with him.  He’ll be able to walk in the neighborhood with his head high.”

Shortly afterwards, I got to meet Rob.  I asked him why he got locked up in the facility…

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

 

Rod went on from there to say, “And so, Al, he says, ‘People may act like they respect you when you’re around because they’re afraid, but as soon as you walk away they spit on your souls.’  Well, I couldn’t let him get away with that!  How would that look?”

“The thing is, Rob,” I replied, “power is the skill to get what you want.  Do you want to be locked up in here?”

“No.”

“Tonight, what would you like to be doing?”

“Be out on a date with a girl I like.”

“You can’t do that here.”

“No.  But I couldn’t let that Al get away with what he said.”

“When Al said that stuff about people spitting on your souls behind your backs, what do you think would have happened if you said, ‘I’m sure there are some who feel that way?’”

“My guys wouldn’t have liked that.”

“How come most people have no trouble staying out of fights and avoiding getting locked up?”

“They don’t hang out with the guys in my neighborhood.”

“Some guys in your neighborhood look up to people who act violently toward criticism.  Still, most people in your neighborhood don’t act violently or get arrested.  How come?”

“They’re chicken.”

I asked Rob what he liked to do.  Among the things he mentioned was singing.  Since I play the guitar, I formed a singing trio with Rob and two other singers and we put on a show every now and then for the other teenagers.  In the beginning, during rehearsals, because of the arguments that occurred whenever criticism occurred, we often made little progress.  But, through some counseling with Rob, he came to understand that higher levels of responding to criticism would help the group to accomplish our musical goals.  With less shouting and people storming away, and with less of a need to have security intervene as two combatants were preparing to go at one another, we spent far more time on music.

Rob came to agree that dealing with criticism at higher levels was better in general, but he continued to believe his gang back in his neighborhood would think less of him if he didn’t act tough.

“Maybe it would be better for you to find a new bunch of friends, friends that you don’t have to get locked up for, or killed for, just so that they will like you.”

“With the gang, I know they already accept me for what I am.  With new people, well I don’t know.”

“It’s a bit scary starting over with new people.”

“I guess.”

“Scarier than getting arrested or killed?”

“In a strange way, yeah.”

People like Rob have a tougher time than most of us when deciding on the wisest course of action in the face of criticism.

In your life, you will have to decide if violence is right for you. To help to further clarify these issues, I have written a coming of age trilogy about  a young boy, Steve Marino, who repeatedly contends with his violent father. As Steve begins to mature, he struggles with how to get by on the gritty streets of Brooklyn; should he follow in his father’s violent footsteps, or his Uncle Rickey’s, a guy who is just as big and strong as Steve’s dad, but with a knack for avoiding violence and developing a friendly loyalty by participating in fun activities? The first of these three novels, A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, is available for free by clicking here.

hero coverLove cover

Well, that’s my post for this week. I hope to see you all right back here real soon at From Insults to Respect .

 

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

The Parable of Ed and Lori

Ed has been dating Lori for a little over a month. One day he invites her to have dinner at his favorite restaurant.

“Ed,” she replies with a smile, “I’d like to pick the restaurant this time. You picked last time.”

Ed thinks to himself that the one time he agreed to Lori picking the restaurant, she picked spicy Indian food that upset his stomach.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Ever since, he has been reluctant to give Lori any say where they go.  But, because he has been following this blog, Ed recognizes that Lori’s request contained a note of criticism.

Having had trouble maintaining lasting relationships with women because of the way he has been handling criticism, Ed has begun to work on making some improvements.  Using what he learned on this blog’s two recent posts (see Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity and Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level) he has rehearsed in his mind not getting defensive whenever he is criticized and, instead, responding at the most mature level.  Ed realizes this is an excellent opportunity to try out some of what he has been practicing.

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

First, Ed shows Lori that he has really listened to what she had to say by taking a few seconds to think about what she has said.  Then, he summarizes her position by using the DIG conflict model.  The word DIG reminds him to look for Lori’s DESIRE, what she views as INTERFERING with her desire, and what she thinks he is GUILTY of doing wrong. This leads him to summarize her position as follows:

“Lori, I think I understand how you feel.  You desire that we take turns picking the restaurants that we go to.  I’ve been interfering with this because ever since you picked the Indian restaurant I’ve been insisting on choosing where we go.  You feel that I’m guilty of being unfair.  Is that right?”

“Yes,” says Lori. “Well said.”

Ed now checks his level of frustration.  He knows that if it is high he would be wise to tell Lori he wants to take a few days to think over what she has said.  But he finds that he is pretty calm and Lori doesn’t look like she’s about to freak out either.  So, after a little more thought, Ed gets ready to disagree with Lori without being disagreeable.  But he first pauses to see if he can come up with a way to steer in her direction.  Suddenly an idea comes to him.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says with a smile, “see if you’re willing to give this a try.  Every other time we go out why don’t you come up with three places that you’d like to go?  Then I’ll try to pick one of them.  Then, when it’s my turn to pick, I’ll let you know three places I’d like to go, and if you like any of them, you can choose from those three.  Surely we can come up with a place we both like if we do it like this. It’ll be fun.”

“What if I don’t like any of the three you pick?” Lori asks.

“I’ll come up with another three that you can pick from,” Ed responds.

“OK,” says Lori.

Why does learning to steer in the direction of someone’s criticism tend to enhance your reputation?

In focus groups that discussed the above parable, people felt that if Ed insisted on choosing the restaurant without giving Lori some say, he would come across as rigid, bossy and a jerk.  By offering to give some choices to Lori, Ed would come across as more flexible, reasonable and likable.

To understand why people have this reaction, it will be valuable to contrast what it feels like when we feel like pawns and origins.  

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating what is happening and how I wish to act. Such a feeling is called, “feeling like an origin.”

People who perceive themselves powerless often experience alienation or reactance against those perceived as inflexible. They become angrier and angrier, and eventually a number of negative things happen to the relationship. Learning to steer prevents these negative things from happening.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Recently, I put up a post on this blog titled “RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.”  Here are a description of them:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After describing the four levels, I ended the post with the question, “Is there a higher level than level four?”  Today I shall propose a level five:

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

To better understand level five, let’s take a look at a parable:

The Parable of Mr. Rodriguez

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next month they are going on a field trip to a museum.  His class begins to criticize the trip. 

“Whenever we go on field trips we always go to boring places,” says Nick.

“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field trip?” says Jody.

“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks Mr. Rodriguez.

“We should go to an amusement park instead!” says one girl.

“I think we should see a new movie at the mall,” says a boy. 

Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first, he says to himself, “The principal will never go along with letting the students pick a place to go on a field trip.”  But then he tries to come up with a way to steer in the direction of the students’ criticism. 

He comes up with an idea.  “Field trips are for learning,” he tells the class.  “I understand that you want to have some say as to what field trip we go on.  What if I ask the principal to select three field trips she would be willing to approve, and then I ask you to choose one from the three she comes up with—would that be better?”

“Yes!” they reply.

When Mr. Rodriguez asks the principal, she declares that this is a great idea.  Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to his class, he says,

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

“Remember yesterday I said we were going to the museum?”

“Yeah,” says Nick.  “A field trip to the museum again!  That’s boring!”

“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “the principle says we can choose between the museum, the zoo, or the botanical gardens?”   

The students end up choosing the zoo.  Mr. Rodriguez is delighted with this because the principal had him going, every year, for the last ten years, to the museum and he has grown tired of it.  He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his students feel better having been given a choice. 

What We Can Learn From this Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his class’s criticism is an example of a level 5 response.  Although he didn’t completely agree with the students’ criticism, instead of completely rejecting it, he steered in the direction of the criticism.  That is, he took the students’ ideas about their choosing the place to go on the field trip, and used it in such a way that both he and the students ended up feeling better off with the end result.

It takes a bit of creativity to come up with these types of steering plans.  For those who regularly follow this blog, in coming weeks from time to time you will be provided fun activities to practice this skill and you will find yourself getting better and better at it.

Assignment: Suppose you are a Yankees baseball fan and your friend criticizes you for rooting for them by saying, “I can’t believe you root for them. You just like them because they always win, and the only reason they always win is because they have a ton of money being in the biggest market.” Also suppose you disagree with your friend for two reason, 1. you do not root for them because they always win, but because you grew up in New York and the Yankees were the home team, and 2. the Yankees don’t always win. Review the level 5 description and see if you can come up with a response that is a good match with it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

The last few blog posts have been devoted to encouraging readers to take a little time to stop and think about criticism.

In the most recent post, we took a look at four levels of responding to criticism.  Level one is viewed as the least mature response, and each higher level is viewed as more and more mature.  Let’s take another look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 
Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

As I mentioned in my last blog, one reason to consider learning to respond to criticism in a way that matches level four is because people are likely to end up liking and respecting you more.  But we might not want to choose to act in a particular way merely for this type of reason.  Just because others think a particular type of action is “cool” might be an insufficient reason as you look within yourself to see what feels right to you.  For example, if most of the students at school are tormenting and bullying a new student, you might decide that this just doesn’t feel right, and you may therefore refuse to join in.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

One way that people decide if something feels right or wrong is to use the golden rule—Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. 

If you criticize someone, how would you want that person to respond to your criticism?  Would you want the person to start yelling at you and calling you insulting names?  Or would you want the person to listen in a caring, supportive way?

new-jack

If the level four description is how you would want others to treat you, perhaps that’s a good reason why you might want to learn to respond to criticism in a similar way.

Assignment: Imagine someone has just criticized your taste in music. See if you can compose a level 4 response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete.  As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you.  You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.”  Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Do you think you would like Pete?  Would you respect Pete for acting this way?  Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways.  Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism.  This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism.  I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.  Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town).  Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature?  Is there a higher level than the level 4 description?  In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism?  What do we really mean by different levels of maturity?  We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution

INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

For the past few weeks we have been thinking about criticism. We noted that one reason that criticism is hard to bear for many of us is because of the way many people often provide criticism.  Because it is often provided with shouting, glares, name calling and threats it is understandable that you might start to get defensive as soon as you begin to hear someone criticizing you.  But these negative actions don’t have to be part of negative criticism.

When these negative actions are used, what is the best way to respond? I recently discussed this with some fellow folks who, like me, grew up in Brooklyn. Some of the suggestions were:

Walk away because they are not worth it

Say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”

Say, “You talking’ to me!”

Say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”

Say, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.”

Roll with the punches. Until no matter what, nothing stops it. Then don’t be nice.

Say, “Your mother.” 

confidenceIn my view, there is as alternative perspective well worth considering. People who are masters at dealing with criticism are confident that they are fully prepared to carry out a plan that can effectively deal with insults. Moreover, they are confident that they can carry out the plan in a manner that will enhance their reputation and protect their personal freedom.

This plan can take a variety of forms. What might feel right for one person might not feel right to another. And so, here I will propose a plan that is just a starting point for your consideration.

The Plan

When you are being criticized in a manner that you don’t like, this is NOT the time to criticize the criticizer’s style. The first thing to do is to model for the criticizer a high level of maturity in responding to criticism.  Here’s what that might look like:

listening 1Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style. Then make it clear that you fully understand what was said. This means that you summarize what you heard and ask if your summary is accurate. Then spend some time showing that you are thinking about the criticism by pausing, perhaps rubbing your chin and asking a question or two to clarify the criticizer’s position. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be correct, make a statement that frankly indicates the ideas have merit and you intend to use them in the future. If you are not sure if you agree, make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further.  If after thinking about the criticism you feel the criticism is incorrect, make a statement designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, encouraged the criticizer to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

An Example of An Approach I Am Not recommending

After being criticized because you forgot to pick up bananas when you went shopping and the criticizer had said, While shouting “You idiot, you forgot to pick up bananas.”

“Don’t call me an idiot! Who do you think you’re talking to! You’re the idiot.!”

An Example Of More Helpful Approach

After the same negative criticism in the last example you simply reply, “You’re upset because I forgot the bananas,” said with caring in your voice. You now have shown that you have heard the criticism without returning any insults and your tone indicates you are taking the criticism seriously, and you care the criticizer is upset. If you think the criticizer is wrong for the criticism, it may not be the time to point this out. Waiting until a period to calming down might be a wiser choice. But let’s say you had an agreement that whatever was to be picked up at the store would be written on a shopping list, and the criticizer had failed to write “bananas,” you might gently point that out.

Now that you have modeled how to respond to criticism in a mature manner, wait until the insulter has had some time to calm down.  Then you can negotiate from a position of strength. Begin by first asking yourself what you didn’t like about how you had been treated and how you wish to be treated in the future if a similar set of circumstances should arise. Then consider having the following discussion with the criticizer:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Once you made your position clear, listen to the reply in a caring way. Some of the reply of the criticizer might be negative criticism of the approach that you are advocating. Respond in a way that matches the response to negative criticism that I describe above.

This approach requires practice. I suggest you do it with a friend over three separate times over a three week period. The practice sessions would involve you pretending you are playing a part of a mature person in a play. You may feel at first that the part is not really the authentic person that you are, but with practice it will begin to feel more and more natural, especially if you are convinced that your old way of handling these situations have not been helpful.

You now have had an opportunity to look over this plan. Over the course of the following week, if you will, think about what you like about this plan, what doesn’t feel right to you, and how you would change it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

IS CRITICISM BAD?

In the last blog post, when Marie became frustrated at Carl’s opinion, she criticized it by shouting at Carl and calling him names.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Carl ended up feeling insulted.  I then criticized Marie’s style of criticism.

Although I know that sometimes people, when criticized, feel insulted, sometimes when I’m doing my counseling routine, I criticize anyway.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“Are you saying I did something wrong?!” Barbara shouts.

 

Some say about criticism, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all!  An alternative position is that criticism is the mechanism by which better solutions are found and better decisions are made.

To answer the question “Is criticism bad?” we have to first make sure we understand what “criticism” is.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY CRITICISM?

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE  2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in all capital letters.  This is the main idea regarding this concept.  Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the words negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations.

Some people believe only negative criticism can start a conflict.   But even positive criticism can lead to a conflict.

The Head of a Law Firm Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Linda is the head of a big law firm.  One day she writes an argument defending one of her clients.  In an effort to improve it before sending it out to the judge, she gives it to two of her assistants, Gail and Henry, and asks them to criticize it. 

A few hours later, Gail returns it to her boss with some red ink marks that point out two mistakes.  In the margins next to the red marks are clear descriptions written by Gail explaining why she views them as mistakes and how they may be fixed.  Linda, after carefully looking over Gail’s criticism, ends up agreeing with her, makes the corrections, and as a result believes her argument to the judge will be significantly better. 

Henry, in contrast, several days later, comes to Linda’s office and says that he has carefully looked over the argument and it is great.  He says, further, that he was unable to find a single fault in the argument, and then compliments Linda on how brilliant she is.  Henry offers nothing but positive criticism to Linda.      

Linda is very pleased with Gail’s work but not Henry’s.  In fact, Linda now believes she has a conflict with Henry.  The conflict can be described as follows:  Linda desires to provide arguments defending her clients with as few mistakes as possible and interfering with this Henry did not find the faults in her most recent argument.  Linda believes that Henry is guilty of acting wrong by providing useless compliments.

In this Head of a Law Firm parable, negative criticism was viewed as a good thing, and the positive criticism led to a conflict.  Hmmm.

In closing today’s post, let’s take a look at what King Solomon has to say on this topic.

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

“[H]e who criticizes a wicked man incurs injury.  Do not criticize a scoffer, or he will hate you; criticize a wise man, and he will love you.  Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man and he will increase in learning.”(Proverbs 9)

The first sentence of this proverb tells us that a wicked man, when criticized, injures the criticizer.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

However, Solomon declares that the wise man loves you if you criticize him.  Hmmm.  Let’s think on this for the week, and then, in my next post I’ll return to this topic.

Assignment: Describe a recent time when someone criticized you. Include how you responded in terms of how you felt and acted.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

Illustration by Eric Sailer

The metaphor of a sea can give us an intuitive sense of how conflict and anger are related.

Anger is like a region on the Great Sea of Conflict that can be very dangerous.  When a master sailor finds she is in the region of anger and a storm begins to develop, she has already prepared herself.   She has practiced some very specific skills when it was relatively safe.  She knew beforehand that she didn’t want to first start to figure out what to do when she finds herself in a crisis situation.   During a crisis it is hard to think clearly and there might not be enough time to figure out the most promising strategy.

Now, in real life, many people don’t see any need to practice some skills when they are in a calm state so that they can better deal with anger storms.  Here’s a little story that helps to explain why people neglect to do this.

PARABLE OF CARL AND MARIE

Carl has grown to like Marie quite a lot.  But on Tuesday, Carl expresses his opinion on a subject and Marie becomes angry and starts to yell at him while calling him names.  Although Carl listens quietly and then tells Marie that he appreciates her concerns, inwardly he doesn’t like the way she handled her disagreement with him.  Carl never shows Marie that how she has acted has turned him off. 

From Marie’s perspective, she likes the way she stood up for what she believes in and admires the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone.  Moreover, from what she observed from Carl’s reaction, she thinks everything is just fine.  She sees no reason why, when she became angry at Carl, she would have been better off respectfully summarizing his position and then, noticing the angry storm blowing up within her mind, putting off her comments till she had some time to calmly think them over.

A few days later, Carl thinks about who he should ask out next Saturday night…

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

PARABLE DISCUSSION

When Marie does not get asked out on Saturday night by a guy she really, really likes, she may not come to realize that her display of anger was the cause.

Many people don’t show others how they feel when someone begins to express their anger by yelling and name calling.  Therefore, many people never come to realize fully that the way they express their anger can lead to people losing respect for them.  This loss of respect can lead to losing friends, employment and promotions.  Since many people just don’t see the negative reaction to how they angrily respond, the idea that they should learn to react differently seems wrong, and even unnatural.

But consider what happens when human beings have to go poop.  When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere.  No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy.  Most of us have learned that we can learn to wait a bit until we get to a more private place to do this type of business.  No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger.  To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

timeout2We take timeouts in many sports for three reasons.  We want to take some time to catch our breath, to think about what has just been happening, and to formulate a plan to go forward.  The wise use of timeouts can greatly increase the chance for winning.  It is for the same reasons why we wisely call timeouts in an anger arousing situation.

timeoutIn different sports, time outs are called in a very specific manner.  In one, a flag might be thrown down.  In another, a coach has to make a letter “T” with his or her hands.  Those who are in charge of calling for timeouts in a specific sport must be well practiced in how to do this so that they can do so at just the right moment.  It is similar with learning how and when to call time out when you become angry.

Here’s an approach for this type of calling timeout that I would like you to consider.

timeout3When you see that you are becoming angry, or the other party is, make a statement in a warm friendly manner indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further.  Then, let the other person have the last words while you listen in a caring way.

We’ll be discussing the benefits of using this approach in future posts and also how to practice this skill so that you can employ it even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that relates what you have just read to something that personally happened to you. Include not just what happened, but also how you were feeling while it was happening.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.