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Cool Steve Deals With An Insult

Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

Welcome to From Insults To Respect.

Today, I present a brief story that asks the question, How would someone people respect handle the challenging situation of being insulted? The story is an abbreviated section from my novel, Fights In The Streets, Tears In The Sand. The story’s setting, 1965, Brooklyn’s lower middle class section of Brighton Beach. Jeff Star, one of the two major character’s of the novel and its narrator has begun his second day at Lincoln High, and he is intrigued and jealous as he begins to hear about a classmate some students refer to as “Cool Steve.”

The Story

My second day as a student at Lincoln High, at lunch I spot an open seat at a table. A couple of guys that I recognize from my gym class are sitting there. One of the guys is reading a story in Sports Illustrated with a great shot of Mickey Mantle. The Mick’s neck and forearms are bulging as he’s clobbering a monster home run. There’s another guy sitting next to Cliff, two very nice to look at girls are there as well. I’ll give this a try.

     “Anybody got this seat?” I ask while preparing myself for rejection.

    The guy reading the sports magazine checks me out for a couple of seconds, then replies, “Sit down. I’m Cliff Schweitzer.” The two girls give me a friendly smile and resume a conversation they’re having about what they did over the summer. The other guy at the table completely ignores me.

     “Hey, who do you have for Social Studies?” Cliff asks,

     After checking my schedule card, I answer, “Mr. Lofton.”

     “Is he any good?”

     “I don’t know. I have him for the first time a couple of periods from now.”

    “I got stuck with Mr. Putzmeister,”Cliff says mournfully.

     “Putzmeister,” I reply with a smile.

     “Yeah. I got to get out of there. He’s major league boring.”

     “You only had him for one period,” I reply. “Maybe he’ll get better. You’re interested in history?”

      “Well, to me, a branch of history is ‘The world of sports,’ and I love sports. In fact, I’m writing a column for the school newspaper. It’s called the ‘Sports Scene.’ The first issue comes out on Friday. Check it out. Let me know what you think.”

     While we’re talking, we hear a kid from a nearby table, yelling, “I bet you wouldn’t do that ta Cool Steve!”

     I turn to Cliff. “That’s the second time I heard this name, Cool Steve. You wouldn’t happen ta know him?”

    “Yeah, from Cunningham,” he answers, referring to one of the junior highs that feed into Lincoln. “I guess most of the kids who know him, know him from there.”

     “There seems to be some kind of respect thing connected to him.”

     “Respect? Steve? Well, yeah.”

     “You respect him?”

     “Sure.”

     “How come?”

      “Well, I guess for me it’s got something to do with the fact that he’s a pretty decent athlete. In stickball he’s got explosive power and a rocket arm, and in football he’s got lightning speed and incredible hands. He’s… he’s history in the making! But, um… I got a feeling people would respect Steve even if he wasn’t so great in sports.” Then Cliff’s voice trails off and he looks like he’s searching for a more complete answer but ends up shrugging his shoulder and resumes reading his article.

     Hmmm. I bet this guy Cool Steve is a real jerk. Everybody thinking he’s such a cool dude. I hate people like that.

     As I begin to eat my lunch, I wait for a break in the two attractive girls’ conversation so I could introduce myself. After several minutes pass, without a single conversational pause, one of the two girls at my table begins to check me out. And then she introduces herself.

     “I’m Jane.”

     “We actually call her Mysterious Jane,” says Cliff.

     “Mysterious Jane?” I ask.

     “Well, we call Mysterious Jane, Mysterious Jane, because she’s strange,” he explains.

She might be strange, I think to myself, but she’s mighty fine–long, straight, glossy black hair that slightly covers her prominent cheekbones, voluptuous body. Her green, almond shaped eyes have a thin line of black mascara and perhaps within these glimmering eyes there is a hint of some sort of mysteriousness.

     “I’m Sandy,” says the other girl. She’s cute, with a peachy complexion, and long, wavy, sandy-blond hair. She glances at me and smiles.

    After a quick sandwich, we all go sit on the steps of Lincoln’s main entrance. It’s warm and the sun is shining. Suddenly something catches Sandy’s attention, and she cries, “Who’s that gorgeous guy?”

     Mysterious Jane turns with her large green eyes in the direction that Sandy is looking—down the steps and off to the right. She lets out a long sigh. “Oh, that’s Steve Marino.”

     “That’s the guy the guys call Cool Steve,” says Cliff.

      “Ain’t he built!” Sandy squeals. “You know him?”

     “Yeah, from Cunningham,” Jane replies. “All the girls were nuts about him because, well, a lot of the girls say it’s because he’s so cute. And he is cute, especially his eyes. I l-o-o-v-e his eyes.” This is followed by a moan, and she then drifts off into another dimension.

     Sandy pokes Jane, returning her back to Earth.

     Jane looks over to Sandy, lowers her voice to an eerie whisper and says, “If you want to know the truth, the real reason all the girls are crazy about Steve is because he moves with the grace and power of a large panther, but he has far more power than any panther you’ve ever seen.”

     I think to myself, that Mysterious Jane, she’s strange!

     Watching Steve down the steps, I can’t notice him moving in any special way. He’s tall with dark eyes and hair, like me. But compared to me, Steve is broader and has more of a Paul Newman nose. Mine ain’t nothing to be proud of.

     Anyway, the guy’s gotta be some kind of jerk. People thinking he’s cool, what a jerk. I notice in my innards a sense of jealousy. In junior high, I was far from the most respected kid there, getting into fights and cursing out anyone who looked at me in a way that provoked me even when later I couldn’t figure out why it had. Oh, I had problems at home, my parents were divorced, I was teased about it, and I had an awful relationship with stepdad, but I sense that being jealous of this guy, Cool Steve, who I had not even yet met, made no sense, but still I had crazy angry feelings toward him.

     I’m walking out the south side exit of Lincoln heading home. Images of how I had treated my friend Leroy disrespectfully earlier in the day flashed through my mind.  Hey, I don’t give a crap about this respect garbage!

     Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

     I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me and he’s with Steve Marino. “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about, here he is.”

     As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness. And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve Marino. I’ve been hearing about you. The word is you’re a jerk!”

     As I glare at Steve, my heart pounds furiously. From the corner of my eye, I notice Cliff watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips. His words from yesterday come to mind—”Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known. Big shit!

     I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right. My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

     I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes and their eyes are darting back and forth between me and Steve.

     Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases. Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness. “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the kids would like me.”

     Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

     “Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

     My eyes dart to him and back to Steve. Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead. The students looking on are almost drooling.

     In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I had the favor returned with cries of “Fuck you!” and blood splattering fistfights. Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic as we would go at each other screaming and swinging until one of us had nothing left to offer but thoughts of revenge. Now, uncomfortably, I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down. He looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.

     “Listen Steve,” I find myself saying,  “I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked with said you were okay.” I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and hurry away.

    A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby. Jeez, I guess I just made a great impression, a hell of a great impression. Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

   *.         *.         *

Well, that’s my story for the day. I’m wondering how my readers think Cool Steve handled the insulting situation. Any views on how Steve or Jeff could have handled the situation better?

My Best.
Jeff

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On Bob Dylan’s Song, “Disease Of Conceit”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

One insult we often hear is someone being called conceited. On Oh Mercy, Bob Dylan’s 1989 album, he has a song titled “Disease of Conceit” that powerfully, poetically, and musically captures the emotions that can come about from this behavior. Emphasizing each of his major visceral reactions related to conceit are crashing piano chords, and as the song drifts into its conclusion, we are treated with a deeply sad, bluesy strain from a guitar.

I present this post to my readers with the hope that by coming to associate conceit with the emotional feel of the song’s lyrics, it just might lead us to modify what we say about ourselves in a more respect promoting manner. It opens with these words:

There’s a whole lot of people suffering tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people struggling tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right down the highway
Straight down the line
Rips into your senses
Through your body and your mind
Nothing about it that’s sweet
The disease of conceit

Vividly, we see the narrator sees conceit as awfully harmful. In thinking about this, it might help us to contrast it with an example of its opposite–self effacing behavior. Consider the reaction Abraham Lincoln brought forth when Stephen Douglas called him two faced during a debate and he responded, “If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?” By all accounts, the audience loved it.

The next verse goes on to tell us:

There’s a whole lot of hearts breaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of hearts shaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Steps into your room
Eats your soul
Over your senses
You have no control
Ain’t nothing too discreet
About the disease of conceit

These lines led me to think about what is it about conceit that the song’s narrator finds so emotionally troubling. Perhaps it’s at least partly because conceited people often come across as thinking the world revolves around them, while suggesting as well that they have an underlying insecurity about their own worth. Listeners of a conceited person are typically far more interested in getting credit for what they and others that they care about have contributed to tasks and are of value to their group. There is indeed a place for gentle self-promotion, but it works much better by showing along with it an appreciation for the other listeners. People often experience conceited people as emotionally draining.

The next lines of Dylan’s song go,

There’s a whole lot of people dying tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people crying tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right out of nowhere
And you’re down for the count
From the outside world
The pressure will mount
Turn you into a piece of meat
The disease of conceit

Hmmm? I found myself, upon hearing the line about people dying from the disease of conceit, wondering if perhaps it might be an overstatement. I personally haven’t directly observed someone dying from such behavior. Perhaps the narrator means emotionally dying. Dylan often employs vivid metaphors to capture issues he feels strongly about. Still, although I don’t see people in my community really physicallyy dying from conceited behavior, perhaps there are indeed situations when it can be that harmful. This led me to think about some societies. Hitler’s Germany during World War II, for example, had a society that had many who believed that they are so superior to other folks that it entitled them to massacre those who are viewed as inferior. In addition to the massacre of people viewed as inferior during that war, military and civilian fatalities are estimated at 50–56 million, with an additional estimated 19–28 million deaths from war-related disease and famine.

The last set of lines of Dylan’s song goes,

Conceit is a disease
That the doctors got no cure
They’ve done a lot of research on it
But what it is, they’re still not sure
There’s a whole lot of people in trouble tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people seeing double tonight
From the disease of conceit
Give ya delusions of grandeur
And a evil eye
Give you the idea that
You’re too good to die
Then they bury you from your head to your feet
From the disease of conceit
Here again Dylan paints a vivid portrayal of feelings that come about from being around conceited individuals. I hope they challenge us to think about our own tendencies to promote ourselves without being sufficiently supportive of others.
My Best,
Jeff
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Civil Discussions With Political Adversaries

Welcome to From Insults To Respect. 

Recently, I came across an article by Hanna Wallace that presents in a Q&A format a discussion with Mónica Guzmán, author of the book, I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times.

David Byrne

The article appears in Reasons to be Cheerful, a nonprofit publication founded by artist and musician David Byrne, who tells us he believes in the power of approaching the world with curiosity—in art, in music, in collaboration and in life.

In the article, Ms Guzmán argues that siloing–the tendency for people to just listen to media outfits and others who agree with their political point of view–can lead to dehumanizing the “other side.” In contrast, thoughtfully engaging with those with  different views leads to building bridges and challenges us to freshen our thinking.

There are risks with these types of challenges. Some people, upon hearing that you disagree with them, can immediately decide they don’t like you. Vilifying anyone who disagrees with your political views is such an automatic visceral response for many people that it takes courage to engage. In my post today, I suggest an approach to engaging with people who disagree with you in a manner that greatly reduces this risk.

A Relatively Safe Approach For Having Discussions With People Who Differ From Your Political Point of View

Consider, if you will this approach. As political issues arise, before presenting your view, let those who are listening know that you are interested in civilly participating in the discussion if they are open to this. Then, listen to the tone of voice of the responses. If any appear to respond angrily, listen fully to the angry party or parties, really show you are listening to what is being said. People really value being listened to.

Then summarize the expressed opinions in an animated manner absent an angry tone of voice. In as friendly a manner as you can muster, provide thanks for the sharing of views and express real interest in the topic. Leave it at that. I understand that by doing so, you might be concerned you are leaving what had been said having given the impression that you agree with some or all of what had been said, which you may be loath to do; but keep in mind that if others who are engaged are expressing anger at the very start of this conversation, there is little hope of changing their minds.

If, after your summary, someone asks you for your views on what had been said, repeat saying, “I’d love to discuss these issues further, but only if we are all open to discussing the issues civilly.” Presenting the idea of a civil discussion could motivate the angry folks to put some breaks on their anger. If anger displays continue, I suggest listening to what is said, but avoid presenting your opinions.  You can get around this issue by saying you are still in the midst of considering my opinion.

If those present show an openness to a civil discussion, after listening thoroughly to positions in which you disagree, and then summarizing these positions in as favorable light as you can, then say, “I have heard the following counter arguments, and I’d be very interested how you would respond.”

Notice that you don’t claim that these counter arguments are something you personally believe. Instead, you are showing an interest in what others in the discussion think about the counter arguments, while also demonstrating you are open to hearing, and thoroughly listening to, counterarguments. By engaging in this manner, going back and forth with airing both sides, you leave yourself open to making nuanced modifications in your point of view without becoming too attached to what you had previously said, and clarifying points that have been misunderstood.

Any name calling on your part regarding any of the positions being discussed is a definite no-no. And your tone of voice is crucial during this type of discussion. You want to present yourself as curious about the issues, but not completely sold on any one position.

Another point well worth considering, is to not rely solely on facts. When making any point, see if you can attach it to a personal experience that those who are making counter arguments to your own can emotionally relate to. Facts are fine to some degree, but neglecting personal emotional arguments is perhaps the biggest mistake we too often make.

As an example, if you are opposed to someone’s proposal to cut Medicaid benefits and you personally know someone who, if they lost their benefits, and would thus face dire health consequences, describe that person in very personal terms, along with the troubling consequences if the cuts proposal did go through. Then see if you can make some additional personal emotional connections to the person or persons expressing cuts to the program.

In the end, express thanks for the discussion, and if some of what was said really upset you, take a walk until you have calmed down.

It has been my experience that this type of approach will increase the chances that more people will productively hear your dissenting views while reducing the chances of antagonizing those who disagree with them.

Now, I understand many people believe it is a total waste of time to discuss politics with others with whom they disagree. People, they believe, are just too set in their opinions. However, even in the most deeply held beliefs within the realm of religion there are often cases of people undergoing conversions. William James,’s wonderful book, The Varieties Of Religious Experiences, not only provides numerous examples, but insightfully provides the process that led to these.

In the realm of politics, I can share my own conversion experience. In 1965, when I was 15, I fully supported the Vietnam War. During my 16th and 17th years, through many discussions and learning of several horrible experiences that soldiers were having over there, I began to have some doubts about the wisdom of the war. By October of 1968, I had completely turned against it.

So, I now believe minds can change, especially when exposed to ideas in certain ways. If you agree, I hope you consider trying some of the ideas shared here.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Learning to be Wise

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

For those of us who seek to be respected, increasing our wisdom offers a promising path. In thinking about this, I recall a paragraph by John Stewart Mill:

John Stuart Mill

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. 

It’s not easy for many people to listen carefully to someone criticizing them, but I have found it is a skill that can be learned, and very much worth the effort. I offer free suggestions for going about doing this in a variety of my earlier posts (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). It requires a few weeks of effort, but it is well worth your time.

In thinking about other aspects of what it means to be wise, it might be worthwhile to think about how some thoughtful people define it. Over the years, having read quite a few such definitions, I have come to view it as follows:

Individuals who tend to act wisely can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining open and civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, while continuing to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful short term and long term accomplishments.

If you want to see how other thoughtful writers define wisdom, I recommend an article titled Wisdom: Meaning, Structure, Types, Arguments, and Future Concerns.” There you will find all the definitions of wisdom offered by leading minds throughout history. Reading these definitions, might, by itself lead you to take some important steps toward approaching wisdom. Here’s a suggestion that may help to more deeply consider how such definitions might lead to incorporate principles of wisdom into your own life.

Write down a personal concern that you have, one in which you have not yet decided how best to deal with. Then write out how you imagine you will deal with it. Then, read over a few definitions of wisdom, and then try to utilize some aspect of the definition for dealing with your concern. Write out specifically what you will do differently in light of the definition.

Do this exercise with other concerns over the following four weeks. By doing so, I think you will find yourself beginning to beneficially incorporate principles of wisdom into your life.

Finally, to increase your wisdom, seek to improve how kind you are to others and yourself.

So, there you have it, my suggestions this week for turning insults to respect.

My Best,
Jeff

———————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE

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On Civility During Community Meetings

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, I came upon a NewYorkTimes article titled “Residents’ Rights to Be Rude Upheld by Massachusetts Supreme Court.” The ruling settled a conflict between the town of Southborough’s “civility code” for public comment at meetings and Ms Louise Barron who had said to a town board member, “Look, you need to stop being a Hitler. You’re a Hitler. I can say what I want.”

Ms Louise Barron

The Southborough’s civility code required “respectful and courteous” discourse “free of rude, personal or slanderous remarks.” Leading up to the high point of the conflict, Ms Barron had accused the town board members of “…spending like drunken sailors,” and breaking the law by limiting her speech. A board member expressed that she was starting to “slander” the town officials and indicated that if she continued with such words he would move to end the open comment section of the meeting. It was at this point that Ms Barron made the Hitler comments, and then the committee members agreed to end this part of the meeting.

It’s awfully expensive settling these issues in court. Therefore, it might be worthwhile for us to take a few minutes to look at the court’s reasoning, and then consider what preventative path we might wish to wisely choose to avoid getting embroiled in such conflicts.

The Court’s Reasoning

According to the New York Times:

John and Samuel Adams

Decorum, the new decision concluded, was not a top priority for the cousins John and Samuel Adams when they drafted Article 19 in the Massachusetts Constitution, ratified in 1780. By laying out the right to request “redress of the wrongs done them, and of the grievances they suffer,” the justices noted, they aimed to protect the colonists’ freedom to rail against King George III, disparaged at the time as “the Royal Brute,” in a profane and ungracious manner.

The Southborough Town House, where the town’s board of selectmen meets. Credit…Sophie Park for The New York Times

“There was nothing respectful or courteous about the public assemblies of the revolutionary period,” the court wrote in its opinion. “There was also much that was rude and personal, especially when it was directed at the representatives of the king and the king himself.”

“…..The court found that her reference to Hitler was “certainly rude and insulting,” but was protected speech nonetheless. The town’s insistence on civility “appears to cross the line into viewpoint discrimination: allowing lavish praise but disallowing harsh criticism of government officials,” the ruling said.

“Although civility can and should be encouraged in political discourse,” the justices wrote, “it cannot be required.”

As I read the court’s decision, I found myself frustrated that it relies so much on the reasoning of people who thought about this issue over two hundred years ago. At the same time, I do have a great deal of respect for the principle of freedom speech. I also realize that if enough people object to this court ruling, there is a democratic process that allows for changing the constitution. Making such a change would be a lengthy process. In the meantime, how might those who lead periods of public open comments prepare for the likelihood of being insulted?

Suggestions For Dealing With Insults

Given this ruling, a license for disrespectful language is now on the books. Public figures, therefore, are going to have to figure out ways to skillfully handle this. The Times article offered a suggestion on how to go about doing so.

To encourage civil behavior, “treat people civilly in the first place, and in a way that they perceive to be fair.” For example, imagine the difference if a board member, instead of getting defensive, said, “This person is not feeling heard,” and then said, “Tell us more.” This suggestion is a good start for thinking about how to wisely move forward in a positive manner, but in my opinion needs elaboration.

Although the justices wrote that “civility can and should be encouraged in political discourse,” the Times article is not as clear as I would like. How precisely this might be done without violating their ruling that this cannot be required? Here’s my suggestion.

Immediately prior to each meeting’s public comment period, the chairperson would make the following statement–“We now invite public comments. We would greatly appreciate it if all of your comments are phrased civilly and respectfully.” Although not all will comply, I think encouraging this is worth the effort.

The Times article seems to suggest a specific type of response from a board member to an insult–“The person is not feeling heard. Tell us more.” From my experience, just making this type of suggestion to board members, sound as it is, may work to some degree, but to really increase the likelihood of this occurring when board members are in the midst of a heated personal attack, I recommend three practice sessions lasting half an hour each. Each session would begin with someone reading Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “If.”

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise,
….
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Then I would provide this little story about Abe Lincoln:

On one occasion, Secretary Stanton was particularly angry with one of the generals.

“I would like to tell him what I think of him!” he stormed.

“Why don’t you?” Mr. Lincoln agreed. “Write it all down – do.”

Mr. Stanton wrote his letter. When it was finished he took it to the President. The President listened to it all.

Secretary Stanton

All right. Capital!’ Lincoln nodded. “And now, Stanton, what are you going to do with it?”

Do with it? Why, send it, of course!”

“I wouldn’t,” said the President. “Throw it in the waste-paper basket.”

“But it took me two days to write —”

Yes, yes, and it did you ever so much good. You feel better now. That is all that is necessary. Just throw it in the basket.”

After a little more expostulation, into the basket it went.

After these two readings at each of the three practice sessions a board member, while being video recorded, would pretend to insult another board member, and the person receiving the insult would try to respond civilly and fairly. Then the whole board would critique the response. By going through this process a few times at each of the three sessions, it would enormously increase the likelihood of each board member skillfully handling these challenging situations.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful.

My Best,
Jeff

 

 

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Five Steps Toward Peace On Earth

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

I hope all of you are having a fine holiday season. This, of course, is the time of year when the longing for peace on Earth and good will to all is beautifully expressed in songs and stories.

Despite this longing, over the centuries, during the holiday season, for many, it brings a lamenting because we have not achieved this deeply heartfelt desire. For example, during the American Civil War, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote a poem titled “Christmas Bells.” It begins with pleasant images of the season, but then the reality of the war sets in:

“And in despair, I bowed my head; ‘There is no peace on earth,’ I said; ‘For hate is strong, and mocks the song of peace on earth, goodwill to men.’”

Being among those who respect people that take some responsibility for actually doing something to achieve that which is desired, each year I find myself seeking some way to help bring about a more peaceful world. This post, meager as it is, presents the result of that effort.

There is Reason to Hope

For people who are absolutely convinced that we have violent genes and therefore there is no hope of changing our violent nature, consider this. In the earliest period that humans thrived, they were chiefly hunters and gatherers. At that time, it has been estimated that death came as a result of one person killing another about twenty percent of the time. Evidence for this was obtained by looking at the skeletons from that period. Quite often we find fractured skulls and arrowheads embedded in chest cavities.

Then came the development to an agricultural civilization with cities and governments, beginning around five thousand years ago. These governments provided rules to resolve some common conflicts in a manner that struck the citizens as somewhat fair. With that, there was approximately a fivefold decrease in rates of violent death.

Next came the consolidation of a patchwork of feudal territories into large kingdoms with a centralized authority to resolve conflicts and an infrastructure of commerce to obtain goods and services peacefully. Violence decreased another tenfold to fiftyfold.

Another dramatic decrease occurred around the Age of Reason and the European Enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries. The invention of the printing press had made pamphlets and books far more readily available, spreading humanistic values throughout the human population. That era saw the first organized movements to abolish slavery, dueling, judicial torture, superstitious killings, sadistic punishment, and cruelty to animals.

Now, in most places on Earth, humans have reached a point at which they kill other humans at a rate of approximately 2 per 100,000, a tiny fraction of the amount of earlier times. However, significant sections of the world have not followed a similar developmental trajectory.

Today, the major parts of the world that are most violent prone are at the same psychological developmental level as the largely Christian southern states were just about when the American Civil War began. Let us compare, for example, the highly violent group known as ISIS with that bloody period of American history. The confederate southern states had, like ISIS has today, an ideology that slavery is ok, and outsiders (the northern states) were actively interfering with what they believed is right. Moreover, the confederate states used quotations from their holy book to defend their beliefs and to justify going to war to protect their ideology in a way that is similar to how ISIS utilizes sections of their holy book.

Now some may believe that the only way to have created the conditions for the confederacy to change their ideology to one more consistent with a higher level of development was to engage them in a horrible civil war. I hasten to point out that in many other places in the world, the slavery ideology changed without a war. In England, for example, certain conditions, such as the availability of literature from the enlightenment age, changed, and its citizens peacefully ended slavery within its own borders.

After abolishing slavery, England continued for about a hundred years to use violent force to maintain its hold on colonial labor, but Mahatma Gandhi effectively used nonviolent resistance to put an end to colonial rule. Soon afterwards, colonialism began to end elsewhere.

I will just add here, that the violent American Civil War actually did little to change the ideology of those who lived in the southern slave states. Rather, it embittered many, and in fact hardened, for many, their prewar positions. This was reflected in how southerners instituted “Jim Crow” laws. In the end, the non-violent approach of Martin Luther King, Jr. proved to be far more effective in creating the conditions for real psychological development in that region of the US.

So, given where ISIS and other violent prone regions of the world are on this theoretical developmental trajectory, let’s take a look at five steps that, when taken together, might be a better alternative to dealing with these areas than violent approaches.

The Five Steps Toward a More Peaceful World

Step1: One of the factors that tends to increase violence is the degree to which some group feels they are being pressured by violent means to act in ways they don’t wish to act. Therefore, one thing that we can do is to reduce the impression that we are seeking to violently control the lives of the people in the regions where violence is terribly high.

There are some credible reasons for supporters of the most violent regions of the Earth to feel that there has been an ongoing effort to force them to do whatever is in the interest of the US and its allies. Years before the creation of ISIS, for example, meddling in Middle East affairs occurred by the US’s CIA.  Then came the US invasion of the largely Muslim inhabited Afghanistan and Iraq countries.

So, the first step we, the American people, can do is to advocate that the US president openly states:

In the past, the US has been involved in using violence in an effort to control some foreign groups. We now realize this causes far more harm than good. Although it took us some time to develop a psychological understanding of this, we are now ready to move forward in a nonviolent manner to promote peaceful ways to cooperate on mutually beneficial agreements. 

Taking responsibility for previous harmful actions, and making a commitment to nonviolent ways to achieve common goals, when combined with the other steps described below, would, if we reliably stuck to this policy, provide for all the world a model of what can be achieved in this manner.

Step 2:  

With regards to responding to regions that continue to enslave people, the US would use nonviolent approaches such as boycotting any goods or services that might fund the violent group’s operations, along with boycotting any country or enterprise that does business with such violent groups, while offering a vision for engaging in peaceful commerce as described in step 4.

Step 3: As more and more reliable processes are developed that fairly, peacefully resolve conflicts, and the group members view these processes as just, violence plummets. Therefore, the US would launch an all out peaceful advocacy effort to have the United Nations offer to fund a constitutional convention for all of the stakeholders in the regions where violent groups are operating. Those violent groups’ representatives would be invited to be central players, and incentives to participate would be provided. UN Peace Keepers would be employed throughout the convention period to help decrease the likelihood that some would seek to violently sabotage such efforts.

Professor Steven Pinker provides evidence in his book, The Better Angels of Our Nature, that although UN peacekeeping missions, at times, have had their share of failures, when all of the available data is looked at, these missions led to an 80% reduction in the probability of a subsequent war.

Step 4: In step 2 of this proposal, it was mentioned that the US, in response to groups that have enslaving policies, would boycott its commerce as one means to nonviolently encourage a change in policy. It is important to point out, however, that one of the conditions that Professor Pinker has identified as hugely important for the development of nonviolent approaches for resolving conflicts and an increase in respecting basic human rights is improvements in commerce. When people wish to do business with others, they typically seek to improve relationships with them, make them feel welcome, and offer opportunities for shared benefits.

The regions that have the most violent groups have some unique challenges in this regard. And in fact, many believe that it is this set of challenges that is the main cause of the region’s violence problems. In mid-day much of these regions are often so hot it could make the Dalai Lama ignite in irritability. Large sections of these regions are as parched as the moon’s surface. But the regions do have some natural resources. For example, they tend to have plentiful sunshine.  Nevertheless, they remain rather poor in contrast to the more developed countries.

Under the plan that I am advocating, the US would work with the United Nations to offer the stakeholders of these regions an opportunity to set up a convention that can tap world experts on economic development with the goal of coming up with plans that are designed to improve sustainable commerce. People from these regions would be invited and incentivized to participate. Once these violent group members come to understand the value of peaceful commerce, and a hopeful plan adopted, many will end up abandoning their violent ideology.

Step 5. One of the major conditions that foster psychological development is the availability of stories that reveal the humanity of people that lie outside our immediate circle of family and friends.
Professor Pinker notes that prior to the invention of the printing press there were very few books available. Those people who lived in the upper classes rarely had much direct contact with the lower classes. A nobleman’s quick glance while passing by a downtrodden worker often merely left the impression of a filthy, smelly soul, hardly human at all. After novels became available, a nobleman might read of a poor young woman pressed into very sad circumstances by a cruel person of the upper classes, and discover tears running down his cheeks. Discovering that people all over the world, in all classes, and other religions have very similar desires, dreams, and feelings that we can all relate to, increases empathy and the desire to deal with a wider range of humanity in kind and respectful ways.

So, how would we get these kinds of stories before those who are in groups prone to violence? At the two types of conventions I mentioned above that would be funded by the United Nations (constitutional and commerce) short, readable, relatable books would be freely provided that convey these heartwarming stories. International funding for public libraries for regions too poor to provide for them on their own would be provided. Moreover, there are ways to make these types of stories particularly accessible on internet sites that violent groups tend to visit, not only in written form, but also in audio-visual forms as well. And instead of the steady dropping of bombs in regions occupied by violent groups, an international coalition could drop little parachuted packages that include a little tasty healthy treat, a little toy or stuffed animal as a gift to the children, an interesting puzzle that adults would enjoy doing, and the type of stories that I have just described.

Conclusion

Okay then, there you have it, my proposal for an alternative approach for furthering peace on Earth, good will among our fellow human beings. I know that some of what I described may sound familiar because they have been tried before in a dribs and drabs manner, but with a significant increased support for these efforts, and by combining all of the steps in a systematic, coordinated manner, I believe they just might lead to progress toward achieving the desire for a more peaceful, kind world.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Twenty-Six Killed and We Grieve Once More

On Sunday, November 5, 2017, I sat down in front of my computer to write this week’s blog post. Just as I put my fingers on my computer keyboard, a  little message popped up in the lower right hand screen of my monitor. I glanced over to see that at a Texas church in the small town of Sutherland Springs numerous people had been shot and over twenty had died.

Instantly, I thought back to the first time I was writing a blog post and was stopped in my tracks by a message of a mass killing. That one had the heading, Elementary School Shooting: 20 Children Dead.

I remember, moments later, I was sitting in front of my TV screen watching the gut-wrenching images.

At one point, a camera showed a young woman who may have been one of the mothers whose child was killed.  The anguish and horror on her face as she listened on a cellphone led to tears streaming down my face.

It was sometime afterwards when I saw on news feeds images of the parents of the children who were killed tearfully walking through the halls of Congress pleading its leaders to take some reasonable action on gun control. Under heavy pressure from the gun lobby, national lawmakers chose to express sympathy to the parents while refusing their pleas.

Since then, we have had additional mass shootings including:

San Bernardino
14 killed

Pulse night club
49 killed

Charleston Church
9 Killed

The Harvest Music Festival, Las Vegas 
58 killed

The Las Vegas killing was particularly deadly because of the shooter turning his assault rifle into a weapon that dramatically increases its number of shots per second with the use of a device called a bump stock. When shortly after the October 1, 2017 shooting occurred, the issue of banning the sale of bump stocks was brought up. The majority of our congressional leaders cried out that it was an outrage to bring up this political issue so close to the shooting. It is now over a month since that shooting, and though the state of Massachusetts has had time to ban the sale of this device, our national government leaders continue to do nothing. Bump stocks are currently available online.

So, we, as a nation, grieve once more.

I feel an urgency to write something that can be constructive in some way. And yet, at this point in time, to present something clearly useful is beyond me. The best that I have at this moment is to share the grief and to search within for some way to prevent such horrors in the future.

In our culture of way too much violence, it has been my calling to discuss ways to deal with insults, anger, conflict and respect. My resolve has been amplified by this terribly gruesome incident in Texas. I will have to take a few days off after writing this to allow myself to get through all of the struggling feelings that these events produce within my soul. And then, I’m determined to get back to doing my small part in trying to teach less violent, and yet far more powerful, ways to resolve our life problems.

Until then, may we all find some ways to bring some peace and goodwill into the world.

My Best,

Jeff

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The Creation of The Cool Steve Stories

It was way back in 1972 on a pleasant autumn day.  As I stepped out of the sparkling sunshine into the shadowy confines of the Coney Island Child Psychiatric Clinic, I was greeted by three people who could have been movie actors.  One was a beautiful social worker in her late twenties, with flowing brunette hair; another, a tall, handsome psychologist in his early thirties; and the third, a psychiatrist who looked like he was trying out for a part as Sigmund Freud, with his long, graying beard and pipe.   Initially they were warm and friendly but, within a few minutes, switched to more earnest expressions.  The psychiatrist took charge at this point, informing me that I would be working with eight very troubled male teenagers—two individually, and six in a group.  My first job teaching conflict resolution under the auspices of a real life professional organization had begun.

It was a period of time before the current practice of converting the psychological concerns of all children brought to a psychiatric clinic into a language of illness believed to be due to chemical imbalances.  The prescribing of pills as the main—oftentimes only—action offered was something I had never dreamed of.  Instead, a staff of professionals and several advanced psychology students from Brooklyn College sought to provide empathic emotional support, understand the conflicts the children were experiencing, and guide them toward more mature coping.  I was one of the Brooklyn College students.

Achieving the first two goals proved to be a breeze.  The kids’ hunger for attention made it easy to develop genuinely enjoyable relationships.  And the way the boys spoke and interacted readily revealed volumes on the topic of conflicts with which they struggled on a daily basis.  Guiding the boys toward more mature coping, however, tripped me up.

Counseling boy 1I remember one of my first attempts.  A burly thirteen-year old boy with wild, unkempt hair began to express his anger about a kid at school who had called him a jerk.

“Called you a jerk!?” I replied. “Yikes!  What did you do about it?”

“I shoved him.”

“How’d that work out?”

“I got sent to the principal.”

“Do you like to get sent to the principal?”

“NO!”

“Hmm, if you don’t like it, maybe we can figure out how to respond to a name caller in a better way.”

“If someone puts me down, I ain’t gonna let him get away with it.”

“I can understand that.  Let’s discuss a few ways to deal with name calling that doesn’t let the other guy get away with anything and yet won’t get you sent to the principal’s office.”

“Na.  If that guy calls me a name again, I’m really gonna let him have it!  He better not start with me again!”

“I can see just thinking about this is really making you angry.”

“Yeah, it is!”

“Well, I have good news for you.  I think I can help you to come up with some ways that you can handle name calling that you would respect but won’t get you in trouble.  Wouldn’t that be a good thing?”

“Listen, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore!”

At this point, I realized that, for now, to pursue this any longer would be counterproductive.

Shortly after this, I noticed that the two black kids in the group I was working with were frequently being put down by the four white kids.

 Whites ganging up on blacks

Some words got thrown back and forth that could have made a Brooklyn boy blush.  Well, okay, maybe not a Brooklyn boy, but most people.  Anyway, my efforts to address this were, unfortunately, met with the boys shouting over me as their anger flamed into rage.

“You’re doing just fine,” my supervisor assured me.  “Working with kids requires great patience.”

I would have preferred specific suggestions on how to better teach.  Still, his comments at least temporarily took some pressure off of me.

But as time went on, my patience waned, and I began to have difficulty falling asleep.  In the wee hours of the morning my mind kept going over and over incidents in which my efforts to teach something to the kids ended without success.  And then, during one such night, amidst an experience of what felt like endless tossing and turning and excruciating frustration, suddenly I recalled an incident that happened to me in fifth grade.  Back then I had recently seen the movie, The Pride of the Yankees, with Gary Cooper starring as the New York Yankees’ great baseball player, Lou Gehrig.  Nicknamed “The Iron Horse,” Gehrig had his Hall-of-Fame career cut short at 36 years of age when he was stricken with a fatal disease.  As the film comes to an end, it reenacts Gehrig’s farewell address in front of a packed, tearful crowd at Yankee Stadium.  I’ll never forget his parting words.  “People all say that I’ve had a bad break.  But today…today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

Shortly after seeing the film, I decided to read a Lou Gehrig biography and learned that his parents were from Germany.  Because I had grown up on war movies that depicted Germans as the vicious enemy, I had, at that time, come to hate Germans.  But, when I began to read Lou Gehrig’s biography, I found my hatred undergoing a dramatic change.  The story tells us that Lou’s parents were from Germany, spoke with a German accent, and this led the kids in his neighborhood to incessantly torment him.

Gehrig as boySomehow, my heart went out to Lou, and from that day on, I came to believe that it wasn’t right to judge a person by their nationality.

Lying in bed recalling having read that biography so many years ago, my mind, at one point, returned to thinking about teaching kids coping skills.   It seemed to me that there was something about that Lou Gehrig story that enabled me to reconsider attitudes that I had firmly held for so long.  Perhaps if I could tell the kids at the clinic stories about a hero who portrayed higher levels of maturity, they might identify with the hero.  I figured that kids like to try out the behaviors of their heroes.  I know I did.  Criticizing the actions of characters in the story would produce less defensiveness than when I had directly criticized the actions of the kids at the clinic.  If I told the stories when the clinic kids weren’t already in a defensive state, maybe they would be open to a real discussion.  Once they had thought the issues through, perhaps then they would be better able to integrate what they had learned into their own lives.

Soon afterwards, each time I saw the kids at the clinic dealing with a different conflict in a way that struck me as immature, a story dealing with the conflict in a more mature way just came to me in some strange, effortless manner.  The hero of the stories, Cool Steve, has many of the attributes that the clinic kids admired.

I made it a point to tell each story at some point in our session when things were relatively calm.  And it turned out that the kids loved them.  When I told the stories to the group of kids I worked with—kids well known for their rambunctiousness—they settled right down and you could hear a pin drop as the tale unfolded.  They discussed them, grappled with the issues, and oftentimes came to agree that Cool Steve had handled the conflict in a way they respected.

An interesting discovery that I made when I was teaching conflict management to graduate students at the University of Minnesota was that the adult students there enjoyed the stories every bit as much as teenagers. And so, with that encouragement, the stories grew and grew so that they now comprise a series of three novels collectively called The Cool Steve Stories that you can learn about HERE.

hero coverLove cover

Readers of this blog know that as I provide lessons on conflict management, I often illustrate the ideas with newspaper comic strips. Although these comics are very helpful for introducing basic ideas, to really learn the subtleties of applying the ideas of conflict management in actual situations it is hard to beat the longer narratives that novels provide.

The first novel in the trilogy is A Hero Grows in Brooklyn.  Most of the action occurs when the main characters are junior high school students.  If it was a movie, it would likely be rated “PG.”  Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand, the second novel in the trilogy, deals with some more mature themes.  The main characters are now beginning an urban high school and there is a modest amount of cursing, and some talk about sexual feelings and fantasies.  It would probably be rated “PG13” if it was a movie. Love, Sex and Respect, the final novel in the trilogy, takes the main characters through to their high school graduation. If the book was a movie, it might be rated “R.”

You can learn more about the novels at this blog’s NOVELS page toward the top of this page.  There you will find that the first novel in the series can be downloaded for free on any iPad, Nook, Kindle or computer, or you can order a paperback version HERE.

I encourage my students to check these books out because they provide memorable adventures that are not only fun and exciting, but teach some profound lessons as well.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Women and Criticism

On this blog, I often discuss immature and mature ways to deal with criticism. The advice that I offer is designed to be helpful to males and females alike.  But recently, in an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, Tara Mohr argues that when it comes to criticism, women can benefit from advice specifically targeted to the unique cultural situation that they find themselves in.

 

The New York Times Article

New York TimeMs Mohr, in her thoughtful article titled “Learning to Love Criticism,” tells us:

Criticism stings for all of us, but women have been socialized to not rock the boat, to be, above all else, likable. By the time a girl reaches adolescence, she’ll most likely have watched hundreds of films, television shows and advertisements in which a woman’s destiny is determined not by her own choices but by how she is perceived by others. In those hundreds of stories, we get the message: What other people think and say about us matters, a lot.

In addition to these messages in the media, for centuries women have had less rights than men.  Being likable, or at least acceptable to stronger, more powerful men, became a primary survival strategy. For many women around the world, this is still the reality.

Given this history, we might think that women have mastered the skills to insure that they are liked, but in the business world there is some evidence that problems exist.

A Recent Survey

women and bosses 1In a recent survey that looked at 248 performance reviews from 28 different companies, both men and women gave more negative feedback to the women being reviewed.  Here are a few examples:

“You can come across as abrasive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to, but you need to pay attention to your tone.”

“Your peers sometimes feel that you don’t leave them enough room. Sometimes you need to step back to let others shine.”

“The presentation ultimately went well. But along the way, we discovered many areas for improvement. You would have had an easier time if you had been less judgmental about R—‘s contributions from the beginning.”

This kind of negative criticism showed up twice in the 83 critical reviews received by men. It showed up in 71 of the 94 critical reviews received by women.

performance-reviews-graphic1

There are three possibilities that present themselves here:

1. The women received more negative criticism despite not acting in any distinctively different way than the men because of distinctively different expectations of how women “should” act;

2. The women who received more negative reviews actually acted distinctly different in certain ways than the men and it is these differences that led to the additional negative criticism;

3. It is a little of both.

An Informal Survey

woman bossInterestingly, from my perspective, are the results of an informal survey of someone I know who was intimately involved in evaluating and promoting personnel.  Here, early criticism was about equal between men and women, but more women took the negative criticism they received to heart and made changes prior to their following evaluation. This ultimately led to their promotions.  The majority of the men who got negative feedback seemed uninterested in making any changes and subsequently lost their opportunity for promotion.

Women boss at workFrom this, I think that it is not only possible, but perhaps even probable, that despite the pattern suggested in the more thorough survey, there is great variability across settings.

Some bosses may have an archtype that a great leader is a tough, no nonsense person who only projects a demanding sense of profits.  Such an attitude will provoke a very different style of criticism around the office than one that supports the idea working for profits doesn’t have to mean that we must abandon basic principles of human dignity.

Let me just add that the person involved in providing and promoting personnel in the informal survey happened to be a master at providing very specific feedback.  Consider the example provided above in which someone stated in a review:

“You can come across as abrasive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to, but you need to pay attention to your tone.”

Such a statement potentially can be helpful as one looks within and seeks to come up with a less abrasive way to respond in situations. However, the feedback would be far better if a supervisor, let’s call him Bill, invited a subordinate, let’s call her Mary, to a one-on-one meeting shortly after an abrasive incident occurred.  At that meeting, Bill does several things.  He gently explains that he is about to imitate how Mary had acted, using her tone of voice and what was said.  Then, after imitating for her how she acted, he displays for her in a role-play how he would prefer she act when a similar incident arises.  He then proceeds to ask Mary to imitate what he just acted out.  Then he goes through this process with Mary until she can actually copy the less abrasive style to his satisfaction.  If Bill provided this level of specific feedback, it would be potentially far more helpful then the two-sentence feedback that was actually provided.

Advice

woman boss blackI very much support the recommendations that Ms Mohr provides in her New York Times piece. For example, at one point she writes,

If a woman wants to do substantive work of any kind, she’s going to be criticized — with comments not just about her work but also about herself. She must develop a way of experiencing criticism that allows her to persevere in the face of it. 

How can this be done?  “A woman,” says Ms Mohr, “can identify another woman whose response to criticism she admires. In challenging situations, she can imagine how the admired woman might respond, and thereby see some new possible responses for herself.”

I won’t go into all of the recommendations of Ms Mohr, suffice it to say her article is well worth reading.  But I do think it is essential to point out that a single article will not do the trick for most of us, women or men, who want to learn to become a master at dealing with criticism.  It takes several months of regularly bringing before our minds examples of criticism, followed by a discussion of how to transform each specific example into something better.  My blog provides one way to go about doing just this. Readers can begin with the introduction to this blog, and move forward at their own pace by clicking on the next newer entry post. Additionally, by reading the trilogy of novels that I’ve written, people become immersed for a few months in adventures that illustrate the struggle to seek respect even under the most trying circumstances.

Well, that’s this week’s edition of From Insults to Respect. Here’s to hoping you’ll join us again real soon.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Fear, Cowardliness, and the Military

fearLast week my blog post asked, “Does Your Fearfulness Make You a Coward?”  While attempting to answer this question, I pointed out that viewing yourself as a coward when you experience fear consumes time and energy. Moreover, it is way too simplistic. Fear is actually a highly valuable emotion. It motivates us to take some wise precautions. And the fact that some people can fearlessly perform a task that would make you quake actually indicates, when properly considered, that diversity in what people fear is helpful for the survival of our species. When it comes to fear, we are wiser to seek to learn to skillfully utilize it, rather than to seek to insult ourselves.

Sec. John Kerry
Sec. John Kerry
Edward Snowden
Edward Snowden

Within three days of my writing that post on fear, NBC Nightly News presented a video of Secretary of State John Kerry calling Edward Snowden, the NSA document leaker, a coward. I found this rather ironic because John Kerry, as a younger man, demonstrated against the Vietnam War. Such demonstrators were repeatedly called cowards by those who supported our military’s war efforts. And so I guess that makes both John Kerry and Edward Snowden cowards, at least in the eyes of some people who choose to use this name calling strategy when they believe it suits them.

John Kerry Protesting Against the Vietnam War
John Kerry Protesting Against the Vietnam War

What’s up with this Name Calling?

generalWhen we call someone a coward, we are not making a scientifically objective distinction as we do when, for example, we call a snake a reptile rather than an insect. People use the word “coward” as a strategic move to actually increase fear in the hopes of achieving their personal desires. I know that this can seem counterintuitive at first, but with a little thought, this becomes simple to understand.

Many people are afraid to put themselves in a position in which others are publically calling them cowards. Thus, Sec. Kerry, by calling Mr. Snowden a coward on national television, sought to discourage others with access to secret government information from revealing what they know for fear that they, too, would be branded a coward. And those who called Sec. Kerry a coward when he was a younger man protesting against the Vietnam War sought to discourage others from doing likewise lest they, too, would be subjected to such name calling.

medel of honorWhen we think of the military we often think about how it honors certain individuals who act fearlessly in the face of danger. Typically this is done in a ceremony during which medals are handed out and an inspiring speech is presented. It stirs our hearts to participate in these events.

Although we may think that courage and bravery is the driving force of the military, far more often utilized are strategies designed to actually increase fear. It is worth taking a good hard look at these strategies because when people become more aware of this, their simplistic kneejerk reaction of construing any fearfulness that they personally experience as a sign of their cowardliness can be dispelled. A more realistic understanding of these experiences can then take its place, thus aiding people to make better informed choices as they seek to achieve their most treasured desires.

 

The Military’s Use of Fear

pearl-harbor-newspaperWhen Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, it was the fear that our country would be conquered by another country that led men to enlist in the various branches of the military in record numbers. But even when our country is not actually attacked, those who seek military intervention artfully manipulate fear to achieve their ends.

Domino TheoryThose of us who lived through the period during which the Vietnam War mounted, recall how our fear was heightened by repeated references to the “Domino Theory.” This theory claimed that if one country in a region came under the influence of communism, then the surrounding countries would follow in a domino effect. Thus, fear was aroused that if South Vietnam was to fall to the communists, other countries in the region would soon follow. And then these countries would enter into a vast policy of conquest. The Philippines, the Hawaiian Islands, and the whole of our coast west of the Sierra Passes would be swamped by the invaders in rapid succession. If we fail to act decisively in Vietnam, the rest of America would, in but a few short years, be enslaved by the conquerors, our women raped, and our children brainwashed.

A dismal forecast indeed! And yet, just plausible enough to rile up enough Americans to wage a terribly costly war.

vietnamIn the end, the U.S abandoned its effort to keep South Vietnam from falling to the communists. And yet none of the fearful projections about our own country being swamped by foreign invaders came to pass. Among the effects of the fear campaign were approximately 58,000 US combat deaths and a million Vietnam combat deaths. Several million others were seriously wounded and according to  Vietnam’s government, the U.S. herbicidal warfare program, Operation Ranch Hand, conducted during the Vietnam War, led to 400,000 people killed or maimed as a result of after effects, and 500,000 children born with birth defects. To this day, our own country continues to provide treatment to thousands of American veterans who were wounded in Vietnam battles or have been suffering from the effects of exposure to Agent Orange.

iraq warMore recently, as a result of the military’s leadership that drummed up fear of “weapons of mass destruction” in Iraq, we fought a war costing billions of dollars, the lives of 4,486 U.S. soldiers, and approximately 100,000 Iraqis. Many more are still suffering from serious injuries.

Once people begin to serve in the military, fear is a dominant driver of carrying out one’s duties. Military personnel quickly become aware that insubordination can lead to prison time and various forms of name calling, including being branded a coward. Fear is further heightened by knowledge of the possibility of being disgraced with a dishonorable discharge, or shot for desertion. If soldiers don’t carry out their duties under fire, this can increase the likelihood of the enemy either killing them along with their fellow service personnel or to being captured and subjected to possible torture. All of these fears are strategically heightened by the military so that these fears, when combined, will be greater than the competing fear that comes from the sounds of bombs going off, bullets flying overhead and knowing that severe injury or death may come at any moment.

military trainingNow, of course the military doesn’t just rely on fear to achieve its ends. It provides training, initially under relatively easy conditions, and then under more and more arduous ones, eventually requiring trainees to perform with live bullets flying overhead. This increases the military personnel’s confidence that they can indeed perform under highly stressful conditions. Stories are told of simple soldiers who achieved great acts of bravery. Military personnel are provided with leaders who have distinguished themselves as individuals of great intelligence and character. And there are rewards for carrying out one’s duties—a salary, cheers from one’s comrades, an honorable discharge, veteran’s benefits, etc. Nevertheless, the idea that there is no place for fear in the military is a bunch of hogwash.

Conclusion

rock bandBob, experiencing fear as he prepares to perform with his band in front of a large audience, initially observes his thoughts going off into a chain of insults. “I’m such a coward. Why can’t I be like a brave soldier, never experiencing any fear even in the face of bullets raining down from the enemy?”

But then it dawns on Bob that soldiers actually do experience fear. With this knowledge, he decides to let his thoughts continue for a few more minutes, but he simply nonjudgmentally observes them passing by without attaching any belief in them. Soon, they pass. He gets on with the work before him. He spends some time practicing his performance. He recalls some stories he heard about other performers who experienced fear before shows and yet managed to thrill their audiences. And, from time to time, he reminds himself that if it turns out that the life of a musician ends up not suiting him, there are other paths he can take to create a worthwhile life.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.