Tag: negative criticism

CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 23, 2013
4 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Earlier, I wrote a post titled “Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity.” When I gave examples of people using the five levels, they typically involved someone providing criticism to someone else. And yet, if you think about it, you probably criticize yourself at least as much as you criticize others.

So, it is time that we begin to take a good hard look to see if the five levels of maturity apply equally well when we think about providing negative criticism to ourselves? To do so, please take another look at the five levels that have now been rewritten so they can be used to rate the way you criticize yourself.. As you do, imagine a recent time that you criticized yourself and see which of the levels best matches your style of criticizing yourself.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM TO YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature.

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

5. When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in. As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

APPLYING THE FIVE LEVELS TO SELF-CRITICISM

One of the last times I criticized myself, I was playing golf, and when I swung at the ball, I missed it.

I found myself crying out, “Man, that was stupid!” As I saw myself doing this, I quickly realized that such a response was not very helpful. I moved away from any more insults and just took a moment to experience the frustration within me. After about five seconds of this, I then realized that I was with other golfers, and they had just seen me calling myself stupid. I looked each of them in their eyes and smiled. Then, I reviewed in my mind what a perfect swing in that situation is suppose to look like. Finally, I stepped into position and took another swing.

How Did I Do?

Well, at least I didn’t break my club slamming it to the ground, as I had done a few times when I first began to learn the game. A couple of times when I did slam the clubs down, I broke the club and had to go buy a new one–thus, it was a costly mistake. If I had acted that way–that is, by breaking my club–I would have acted at level 2. It has been years since the last time I slammed a club down, a clear sign that I matured in this domain.

The way I acted the last time was a little more mature than a level two.

You might have noticed as I was describing my recent incident of self-criticism that my criticism and my response to the criticism seems to have merged together, and it is not easy to tell at what point “providing criticism” and “responding to criticism” is actually taking place. Therefore, it is a good idea, as we think about these issues to spend some time reviewing the lesson I presented earlier about responding to criticism (see HERE).

As I recall what happened the last time I was out on the golf course, I’m going to say that I initially responded at level 3, but then quickly recovered and then responded at level 5.

Another Example

Our next example of self-criticism is from the comic strip of Calvin and Hobbes by the brilliant Bill Watterson. Calvin’s stuffed tiger, Hobbes, is criticizing Calvin’s remark about his summer vacation coming to an end. We understand, of course, that what Hobbes says to Calvin is, in actuality, what Calvin is saying to himself. After Hobbes criticizes Calvin’s remark (“Oh come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were.”) Calvin responds. Please study his response, and then see if you can rate what level of maturity it is at.

My answer: Hobbes has criticized Calvin for exaggerating about how awful life will be now that summer vacation is over since he often complained of being bored. “I did?” he responds. It seems to me that Calvin is really asking this of himself. He then curls his pointer finger and puts it on his lip. This is a classic pose indicating deep thought. While he is doing this, he says to himself, “How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.” In the next scene, we see Calvin imagining the type of fun he had had over the summer. It depicts Calvin and Hobbes watching TV with the sound blasting, eating Sugar Bombs, with Calvin’s eyes in a delirious, hypnotized stare.

I’m leaning toward giving Calvin a level 4 rating because he is showing me that he is giving some real thought to the criticism, and I like his apparent sense of humor as he imagines in an almost burlesque type of way his wasting all of his time over the summer.

Now, I understand that some might look at this image of Calvin wasting his summer in front of a TV and think he is mocking his choice of summer activities, thus insulting himself. When people use humor while responding to criticism, it can be taken as an insult, or as a good-natured way to smooth over some rough parts of the processing that goes along with criticism. Only Calvin, in this scenario, would be able to say if he felt it as an insult, or as something comical.

Let’s Try Another One

Here’s a young teenager who provides self-criticism at a pretty obvious level 2.

Here, the young lady kinda tells herself what her criticism is about–She recalls missing an important basketball shot and she declares that she let her team down. But she doesn’t say how she can begin to improve the situation. Instead, she begins to insult herself.

What if she had handled the situation a little differently:

Notice I blackened out what level I think this self-criticism is at. That’s because I would like you to decide if this is a more mature level or not.

There’s Some Controversy About this Example

Some of my students argue that the example in which the girl insults herself should be given a higher rating then the second example. Here’s their reason. If you insult yourself, they claim, it will more likely prod you into doing something constructive than if you ignore it. Therefore it should be viewed as at least as high a level as the example in which the girl decides to take some time to calm down before deciding what next steps she might take.

Here are two quick explanations for why insulting yourself deserves a lower rating than the taking some time to calm down approach. First, just because someone takes some time out to calm down doesn’t mean they will forget what happened. It is possible that their efforts to take some time to calm down will lead to calming down sooner than throwing insults at themselves, and within that calmness a more reasoned approach may come about.

Second, theoretically those people who get into the habit of insulting themselves when they criticize themselves are at an increased risk of insulting someone else who criticizes them. This is oftentimes not a good thing because when people are insulted it increases the likelihood they will do something that is harmful to the insulter. It is, therefore, a good idea to practice not insulting yourself when you criticize yourself because that practice will make it easier to avoid criticizing others when they criticize you.

Well, there’s your lesson for today. It was designed to begin the process of thinking about the most mature way to criticize yourself. I will have a lot more to say about this in future posts.

For those of you who seek to become masters at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, here’s an important exercise to do over the next week. Put aside three five-minute periods to do the following:

Think about the last time you criticized yourself. Recall what led to the criticism and how you felt. Spend a full minute just observing the feelings that come up as you recall the incident. Then write down what you said to yourself as you provided the criticism. Finally, write down what you think would have been a maturer way to handle that situation.

Thanks for visiting this week, and I hope you come back soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, displeasure, emotional intelligence, insults, maturity, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 19, 2013
2 Comments on PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

In last week’s post, I presented a lesson on responding to negative criticism that utilized a Luann comic strip. It was so popular that I decided to once again have Luann help us out; but this time, rather than focusing on the most mature ways to respond to negative criticism, let’s focus on the most mature ways to provide negative criticism. For those of you who are new to this blog, you may want to first review a couple of my earlier posts that introduce some key ideas (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

First Example

Let’s begin by first taking another look at the same Luann comic that we used last week.

Last week we mentioned that in the above comic Luann appears to have become a little defensive at Bernice’s criticism. We went on from there to answer the question, “What could Luann do differently to better match a more mature response?”

Now, if you will, think about Bernice’s style of providing negative criticism to Luann. Is there anything that she could have done differently that would have led you to think she is more mature than how she comes across in the comic strip?

My Answer

Here’s my approach to answering this question. For the most part, Bernice’s actions seem to me to best match the level 4 description—The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning insults, threats, or shouts.

The first time Bernice speaks, she provides the same negative criticism to Luann that Luann had provided to herself—“You should drop 10 pounds and grow your bust line.” This can seem insulting, but Bernice was invited by Luann to give her an opinion and I’m not sure Bernice means it as an insult.

Nevertheless, Luann does become a little defensive as a result of Bernice’s comment, leaning over and with her mouth depicted as open wide, she appears to be shouting. If Bernice was to earn full credit for being at level 4, she would show some empathy at this point.

What exactly would “show some empathy” look like in this situation? There are a number of styles for this, but here’s one approach for your consideration.

“Luann,” says Bernice, “I know you agreed to wear this outfit in front of a lot of people and you’re worried about how you’re going to look. Are you OK?”

Then, Bernice listens in a caring manner without interrupting Luann. Once Luann clearly finishes what she has to say, Bernice summarizes Luann’s comments. Then she says, “Luann, regardless of whether you decide to wear this costume or not, I, for one, am going to still like you. I consider you my dearest friend.”

If Bernice would have responded in this manner, I think Luann would have very much appreciated it.

Overall, I think that Bernice, in the comic, does not intend to insult her friend but instead intends to provide her some honest feedback. Although level 4 does not quite match all that I observed in Bernice’s style of providing criticism, it is a better match than level 3 which requires an obvious attempt at providing an insult.

In rating Bernice’s style of providing criticism to Luann, I gave Bernice 4 points because her actions best matched the level 4 description. I then subtracted .2 because of her lack of empathy, and her final response about the skimpy outfit had her coming off as slightly insulting. Thus I gave Bernice’s style of providing criticism a 3.8.

Now, this type of rating system, it is important to note, is designed for those people who are providing negative criticism because they hope to encourage some improvement. In the above comic, it seems to me that the improvement that Bernice is pulling for is to get Luann to change her mind about wearing the demeaning costume. But, perhaps I’m wrong. There are other reasons why people provide negative criticism besides seeking to encourage some improvement.

In my post, INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE, I provide readers a list of eight major reasons why people provide negative criticism. In the above comic strip, rather than trying to encourage Luann to make some improvement, Bernice may, instead, have been feeling jealous. After all, Luann had been asked to wear the costume by someone who is going to put on a big Zeye promotion. Nobody asks Bernice to wear the costume.

If jealousy was the motivation for Bernice’s negative criticism, then my advice to her would be different than if I thought she was motivated to help Luann to make some improvement. I think I would have suggested that she consider waiting at least a week before providing any negative criticism, thus giving her some time to find a way to sail out of the stormy region of anger on the great sea of conflict.

Second Example

Let’s continue with Luann’s costume story. Despite Bernice’s comments, Luann decides to go ahead and wear the Zeye outfit at one of the stores in the local mall to promote Zeye Games. Tiffany arrives at the promotion with this cute guy, Quill. Tiffany and Luann are both very much attracted to him. In the comic below, you’ll notice that Tiffany begins to provide some negative criticism to Luann. What rating do you think she deserves?

My Answer

When I first read the comic I thought Tiffany’s actions best matched the level 3 description— The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The comments Tiffany makes to Luann in front of Quill, are obviously designed to be insulting. For example, when Tiffany says, “…I’ve grown past wearing cheesy outfits,” her clear intent is to indicate that she thinks Luann is not as mature as she.

Tiffany’s comments are even more insulting because she is saying it in front of Quill.

As I mentioned above, those of us who had been following the Luann comic strip during the period of time these particular comics appeared, learned that Quill has shown some interest in Luann, and Tiffany is jealous. As I interpret Tiffany’s negative criticism of Luann, it is not really about the cheesy outfit and how Luann looks in it—it’s about her jealousy.

But, for educational reasons, let’s say Tiffany, in this situation really did want to provide some helpful negative criticism to Luann. What actions would Tiffany have had to carry out under this set of circumstances in order for her to match the highest level of maturity–level 5?

5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

To match this level of maturity, Tiffany, as she begins to feel the desire to provide negative criticism with the intention to encourage improvement, she would start to consider situational and personal variables that are present. In doing so, she would realize that to negatively criticize Luann in front of Quill could very likely come off as immature, especially if Quill is mature enough to recognize what is obvious to most of the readers of the Luann comic. She would have had to say to herself, “If I put down Luann in front of Quill, there’s a good chance Quill will see that I’m being mean and that I’m the type of person who does mean things when I get jealous. If I really think Luann would be better off not wearing the Zeye costume and I really cared about her, I’d ask to speak to her about this in private.”

Third Example

Let’s try one more for now. Please see what level of providing criticism best matches Quill’s effort to provide Luann a singing tip.

My Answer

Quill begins his negative criticism with some positive criticism. I like that. Before providing his negative criticism, he first asks Luann if he can give her a tip. Nice! After Luann agrees to hear it, Quill gives her very specific instructions that can really make a difference if she desires to utilize it. Although some people are nearby, Quill appears to be presenting his criticism far enough away from the others so he and Luann have some privacy. I think level 5 is the best match.

Well, that’s our Name Calling, Insults and Teasing lesson for today. Have a great week.

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Tags conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, jealousy, Luann comics, negative criticism, providing criticism: levels of maturity, wisdom

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 12, 2013
1 Comment on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism. Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others. I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training. They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions. This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned. I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one. Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look. Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism. Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship. But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you? I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach. Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic. After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism. I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say. I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four. It is described as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive. I can certainly understand why she has become defensive. Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice. One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind. Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit. Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann. In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.” I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a few moments.” Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is. Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit. She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame of the comic:

Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes. In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive. But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice. She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern. I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public. To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning. These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes. The outfits are called niqabs and burkas. I think they are demeaning to women. When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis. When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK. So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more. It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice. What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought. By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann. In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations. There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature. My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right! There’s your lesson for today. From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Tags criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, Luann comics, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism

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DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 20, 2013
4 Comments on DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, to get us to think more deeply about dealing with insults, let’s discuss for few minutes what Jackie Robinson went through when he became the first black major leaguer.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

A few years ago, the movie, “42” came out.

The film beautifully develops the relationship between Reese and Robinson. At first, most of Robinson’s teammates reject him. “I’m not playing with any niggers!” cries one teammate. “If we let him play, pretty soon the team owners will be bringing up more of them, and they’ll be all taking our jobs!”

“But,” says Pee Wee Reese, “we always knew that if the owners could find someone who could do our jobs better than us then we’d be sent down to the minors. We always accepted that as fair when it was white guys who might take our jobs. Why is it any different just because of the color of a guy’s skin?”

“It just is,” came the reply, but with a voice a little less self-assured.

In time, Robinson’s approach to dealing with insults on the field acquired for him more and more sympathy. Of course there were times when the insults began to get to Robinson, but he would seek to deal with his anguish either in private, with Branch Rickey, or with his lovely wife. On the field he was all about showing what he could do, and it was sometimes disappointing and sometimes magnificent. There are always heroes in baseball, and Robinson glistened in that role on more than a few occasions.

Perhaps the finest moments in the movie come about just after we meet a father and son sitting in the seats of a Brooklyn Dodger game. When Pee Wee Reese is announced as the captain of the Dodgers, the fans in the seats, including this father and son duo, begin to cheer. The boy, a bit of a pee wee himself, tells his father that Reese is his favorite, all-time greatest player ever!

Then Jackie Robinson’s name is called, and he jogs on to the field with some supportive cries, but many, many insulting cries as well.

We then see a close-up of the father and son. The father cries out, “Get off the field you lousy nigger.” Others in the crowd cry out similar sentiments. And before long, the father’s son begins to shout, “Get off the field you lousy nigger!”

But it is at this moment, Reese, who was fielding ground balls at shortstop, pauses, then trots over to Robinson at first base. “How’s it going?” Reese says to Robinson, with a friendly smile.

We see the young boy in the stands, watching on, looking confused, as Reese continues to shoot the breeze in a friendly exchange with Robinson. When a wave of insults for Robinson comes from a portion of the stands, Reese puts his arm around Robinson, and continues to chat with him, smiling, patting him on the shoulder.

Then the umpire calls out to Reese, “This isn’t a social club, let’s play ball.” Reese again pats Robinson on his back, and then trots back to his position at shortstop.

Once again, we see the young boy, and he has now stopped calling Robinson insulting names.

And we see that soon afterwards most of his teammates begin to change their minds and to treat Robinson like a fellow human being.

In my recent blog posts, I’ve been discussing the ABCs of Power (see for example, (The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”). In the movie, “42”, we don’t see how Robinson worked to employ the very first source of power on The ABCs of Power list–Advancing skill. But there is no doubt that Robinson worked for years on becoming the star athlete that he became.

His skill at projecting the highest levels of maturity when criticized enormously increased the respect that he garnered during his day to day performance. History teaches us that it was Robinson’s use of these skills that secured for him the source of power known as Coalition, as he united with Branch Rickey, Pee Wee Reese, and ultimately, with his many fans, that turned a dream into a magnificent achievement.

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THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 13, 2013
2 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

For the past few weeks I have been discussing personal power. Power is the skill to achieve your desires. To help people to come up with plans to achieve their desires, we have been constructing a list, in alphabetical order, of sources of power. We are calling this list the ABCs of Power. So far, the list looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

Each of these sources of power do not instantly provide us with a plan that is specific enough to achieve our desires. Rather, when we feel stuck in coming up with a specific plan, these sources of power can guide us along a path that leads us to discover a specific plan.

As I have already mentioned, the best way to learn how to use the sources of power is to look at a variety of examples of people using the ABCs of Power. To that end, we have recently looked at an example of someone who had a desire to feel less lonely, and found utilizing the sources of power led to a plan that successfully achieved his desire. We also looked at an example of someone who was being bullied when he went for a drink at a water fountain.

Today we will look at a fresh new example.

Eugene and Doreen (Illustrations by Eric Sailer)

Eugene and Doreen recently divorced after ten years of marriage. They have three children. Doreen takes care of them during weekdays, and then, according to a legal agreement, she is to bring them on Saturday morning at 10 to Eugene’s house. Eugene is supposed to return them by eight PM on Sunday evening. Over the past two months, Eugene was late in returning the children to Doreen’s house on three different occasions. After the first time that Eugene was late, Doreen said nothing. “Better to keep things cool for the sake of the kids,” she thought. After the second time, she still kept quiet, but inside she was fuming. On the third occasion, Doreen blew up at Eugene as he was retuning the kids.

“How dare you bring the kids back an hour late? Can’t you tell time? You’re always late. It’s just like you!”

“You dropped them off late in the first place!” he yells back. “You can’t take my time with the kids and then not expect me to bring them back late. I already see them way less than you!”

“The kind of father you’ve been to the kids you shouldn’t get to see them at all!”

The two end up storming away from each other, leaving the children distressed.

Eugene recognizes that this conflict is not good for the kids, and it’s not doing him a whole lot of good either. But he has been unable to come up with a resolution that he likes. Even by focusing first on the desire component of the conflict and then on the interference component, he has met with absolutely no success. His mind keeps thinking about all of the wrongs that he believes Doreen has done during their relationship, and he ends up obsessing on all of these wrongs. Now he decides to spend some time focusing on the guilt component, which is kind of what he has been doing when he spends time obsessing over these wrongs. However, when he decides to focus on the guilt component, he understands he is to do this in a very specific manner.

To focus on this component, like focusing on any of the other two components, he must first use the DIG pattern to describe the conflict. The letters in the word DIG remind him to describe first the desire, then the interference, and then the guilt. He says to himself, “I desire to have a full weekend with the kids, and interfering with this, Doreen has been regularly bringing them to me on Saturday morning over an hour late. I believe she is guilty of being wrong for being angry when I bring them back on Sunday at a time that makes up for her lateness.”

After describing the conflict from his perspective, Eugene tries to describe it, as best he can, from Doreen’s perspective. “Doreen,” he says to himself, “desires that I always bring the kids back at 8 PM Sunday evening, but interfering with this, she perceives that there are times when I will bring them back late. She believes I am guilty of being wrong for bringing the kids back late even when she has been late dropping them off on Saturday.”

As he comes up with this description, Eugene realizes that Doreen has other unresolved conflicts with him that involve her angry memories about mistakes he has made in the past, and he has additional unresolved conflicts with her. By using the DIG pattern of describing his conflict, he has come to better understand this. He had seen all the other conflicts with her as all one big amorphous conflict. This made it much harder to figure out any reasonable resolution. He now realizes that perhaps it will be much better if he focuses just on one conflict at a time, a conflict that can be clearly stated.

“Now, not only am I going to just focus on this one conflict, but I’m also going to just focus on the guilt component of the conflict. This requires that I ask myself the following question— Can I do something so that the guilt part of the conflict will be reduced or eliminated?”

As Eugene ponders this question, he finds himself saying, “What can I do so that I don’t view Doreen as guilty of being wrong in this situation, and what can I do to convince Doreen that I am not guilty of being wrong?” Suddenly, Eugene remembers that the issue Doreen felt he was most guilty of throughout their marriage was that he didn’t listen to her. “Whatever I do to resolve this conflict, it would be best if Doreen ends up feeling that I really listened to her. Otherwise she will remain so angry that she will refuse to do anything to resolve the conflict.”

As Eugene crafts his plan, he realizes that when he calls her to discuss this issue, she will view it as a situation in which he is providing criticism to her. “I better review the providing criticism level 5 description. And at some point in our conversation, Doreen will be criticizing me. To prepare for our conversation, I better review the level 5 description for responding to criticism.”

After studying those two descriptions, he starts to imagine different ways he can respond to Doreen so that she clearly feels he is listening to her and that he is using skills consistent with the highest levels of maturity. Some of the comments he imagines Doreen will make anger him so much that he has to spend a few days utilizing the anger techniques that we discussed earlier. Finally, he believes he has come up with a plan that’s worth a try.

RING!

“Hello,” says Doreen answering her phone.

“Hello Doreen, it’s me, Eugene.” He had to practice making sure he could say this without bitterness in his voice.

“What do you want, Eugene?”

“First, I want to say I’m sorry about how I spoke to you in front of the children last Sunday. I know that wasn’t helpful at all. I would like to get together with you sometime this week without the kids around so that we can discuss how we can better deal with the lateness problem we’ve been having.”

“Is that Daddy?” their daughter asks Doreen. Eugene can hear this on his end of the phone line.

“Yes,” answers Doreen. “Now be quiet. I’m trying to talk.”

“I hear the kids are in the room,” says Eugene. “Let’s set up a time when we can talk without the kids overhearing us. I don’t think it’s good for them to hear us quarreling.”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about!” says Doreen sharply. “Just bring the kids back when you’re supposed to. I can’t believe you have the nerve to complain about my being a little late on a few occasions when you didn’t even show up half the time for the kids’ big events when we were married. There was Judy’s play, Mark’s little league games, I can go on and on.”

This is extremely hard for Eugene to hear, especially because he knows the kids are in earshot. But he has prepared himself well, and he manages to keep listening to Doreen without interrupting. When he is sure she has finished with all that she wants to say, he summarizes her key points, agrees that there is much merit in what she has to say, and then he adds, “You are right that I was far from an ideal dad in the past. I’m sorry that I disappointed you, myself, and most of all, the kids. I really do want to try to do better. That’s why I’m asking you to meet without the kids to discuss our latest problem. Please tell me a good time for us to do this.”

“I think it’s a waste of time, but how about next Sunday, when you bring the kids back. I’ll have my mom here to watch the kids and we can go for a walk. Is that okay?”

“Thank you, Doreen. I’ll see you then.”

That Sunday, Eugene returns the kids a few minutes early in an effort to make certain he would not be late.

“Thank you for setting this up with your mom,” Eugene says in a pleasant tone as he and Doreen begin their walk. He is making an effort to start their conversation on a positive note. “I know how busy you are.”

“A full time job and raising kids is pretty exhausting,” she replies sounding a bit harried.

“Yes it is, Doreen.”

Doreen then launches into her outrage that Eugene has the nerve to make a big thing about her coming late a few times. “If you bring them home late, it messes up our whole routine and the kids don’t get the sleep they need, and the next day at school they’re wild.”

“I can see your argument is a good one, Doreen. If you bring the kids to me late on Saturday morning it’s just me that loses out. If I bring the kids home late on Sunday, not only are you put out, but the kids get messed up too. What I did without discussing it with you clearly isn’t an acceptable solution to my problem. I should have discussed this with you first. I know I was wrong and I apologize.”

“Well I’m glad you understand,” Doreen replies, her tone beginning to sound a little less angry.

“I do treasure my time with the kids, Doreen. Is there anything you can come up with that you think would be fair when you come late on Saturday morning?”

Doreen again goes into how often he was late in the past. “If I’m late a few times it serves you right for how many times you were late in the past!” she concludes.

As Doreen speaks, Eugene makes sure he does not interrupt her and that he makes it clear he is listening and trying to see the merits and legitimacy in her point of view. He attempts to communicate his understanding of her viewpoint by checking his understanding every few minutes. This involves summarizing what he has heard her say and then pausing to see if she is satisfied with his summary.

As he listens to her list of criticisms, he is tempted to say that she deserves to be punished for all the things she’s done wrong, but he realizes that providing negative criticism to her now would not be a productive approach. Doreen would start to go down her list of all the things he did wrong in the past once again, which he is already well aware of. He could then go down all the things she has done wrong over the years, something he’s already done with her on numerous occasions. In the end, they would end up getting nowhere on the conflict he came to discuss.

“Doreen, I understand why you feel I should be punished for the many mistakes I made over the years. In my mind, I am being punished for them. For example, you got the house, and you know how much I love that place. And I only get to see the children two days a week. Going through the divorce was hard on both of us. Please suggest another way we can work out this lateness problem.”

“Don’t you understand, bringing them back late on Sunday is out of the question.”

“I understand that, Doreen. Can we make up the time some other way?”

“Well, how about this? If you feel I’m dropping them off too late on Saturday morning, tell me and we’ll figure out together when you can make up the time. The kids have some Monday’s off from school every now and then, like Presidents day. Maybe you can make up the time on a Sunday when there’s no school on Monday.”

“I like that idea, Doreen. So, when I feel that I want to make up some lost time I should contact you and arrange a time to make up the time.”

After this issue is agreed upon, Doreen talks a little more about some difficulties she’s having with the kids of late, and Eugene uses his best listening skills. As they return to the house, Eugene again thanks Doreen for agreeing to discuss this problem.

Afterwards, Doreen is much less likely to bring the kids late on Saturday mornings, and when she is late, it’s just a few minutes. Eugene never bothers to ask to make up the time, for it really hasn’t amounted to anything significant. He too, on occasion, has brought the kids back a little late but Doreen understands that this will happen from time to time. Both he and Doreen are pleased with how this conflict had been resolved.

Notice that Eugene, upon focusing on the guilt component of the conflict, came to realize that Doreen not only thought he was wrong for bringing the kids home late on Sunday evening, but also about not listening to her whenever she spoke to him. By improving his listening skills and by apologizing for his mistakes in the past, including bringing the kids home late on a Sunday evening, this helped to reduce the intensity of the conflict. Once this occurred, Doreen became more open to working out a resolution with which both parties felt comfortable.

In sum, the source of power that we have been discussing encourages you to break down the conflict into its three conditions, then to come up with an idea to make a change in just one of them, and then to see if the change might lead to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.

To be an effective source of power, we found that it must be coordinated with the other skills we learned. For example, utilizing the knowledge about the Responding to Criticism Rating System and the Providing Negative Criticism Rating System helped Eugene resolve his conflict with Doreen.

The source of power that has you breaking down a conflict into its three conditions, like all sources of power, cannot immediately provide a specific plan that will resolve a conflict. Nevertheless, when you are having difficulty resolving a conflict, the perspective that occurs when you focus on just one of the three conditions will often help you to create a valuable plan that might have otherwise been overlooked.

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Tags ABCs of Power, anger, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, guilt, insults, maturity levels, negative criticism, parenting, sources of power, wisdom

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “B”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 24, 2013
9 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “B”

In my last blog post, THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “A” I presented some ideas about the nature of power. The key points are:

1. power consists of our skills to achieve our desires

2. when we feel confident that we can achieve our desires, generally speaking, we feel less defensive when someone throws insults at us

3. to better handle name calling, insults and teasing, it is a great idea to learn to increase our power

In addition to making these key points about the nature of power, I began to construct a list of the main sources of power, a list that we are calling, “The ABCs of Power.” Of course, we began that list with the letter “A.” “A” is for Advancing Skills.

Improving your math skills can be viewed as employing the “advancing skills” source of power if you use it in a way that people you care about value.

By following this blog, you can advance your skill in dealing with name calling, insults and teasing. If you have a desire to be respected and liked, this skill can be a big help.

Art, music, dancing, academics, carpentry, sports, and any other skill that your friends, family members, and co-workers value can be developed by you to increase your power. Set yourself on a plan to reach a level of proficiency that will delight you and the people you care about, and then watch your power soar.

Now that we covered the letter “A” on the list of the ABCs of Power, let’s move on to the letter “B.”

B is for Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference, and Guilt

Earlier on this blog, I discuss how to describe a conflict by using DIG as a memory device (see DIG FOR THE CONFLICT). Here’s a brief summary of that earlier discussion.

The letters that make up the word, “DIG,” are in a sequence to remind us of a useful sequence for placing conflict conditions into a conflict description. The “d” and the “i” remind us to first create a sentence that identifies the desire condition (I want to go to a Chinese restaurant with you) and then the interference condition of the conflict (instead of doing what I want, you want to go to an Italian restaurant with me). Then the “g” reminds us to create a sentence that identifies the guilt condition (I think you are wrong for not agreeing to go to the restaurant I want to go to because you got to pick last time).

CONFLICT=DIG=DESIRE+INTERFERENCE+GUILT

Just like a triangle must have three sides to be a triangle, a conflict must have all three conditions to be a conflict.

Let’s take a minute to review the three major reasons for using this technique.

First, when someone is saying something to you that feels insulting, you can become frustrated and defensive. This makes it hard to think clearly. By having a well practiced, easy to understand way to summarize a conflict, you can clarify the main issues.

Second, very simple conflicts can be looked at as a single unit with little difficulty. Often by doing so, we find that we can begin to generate conflict resolution strategies that work to our satisfaction. However, more complicated conflicts will leave us scratching our heads. The skill to break up the conflict into its three conditions allows us to familiarize ourselves with smaller, more easily understandable parts. Then, when we join the parts together, the whole becomes easier to grasp.

Third, sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change to just one of the easier to understand conditions of the conflict and this leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.

Let’s take a look at a mother using this source of power.

Resolving a Conflict by Focusing on the Desire

Imagine a family of four that loves to go to the movies, but they’ve stopped going because they are angry at how expensive it costs, especially the items at the snack counter.

A new film has just come out and the kids in the family are pleading with their parents to go because all of their friends saw it and said it was great.

“I’m not going to that stinking movie theater,” the father says. “The owner is a robber charging what he does for candy and popcorn.”

“Let’s try to break up this conflict and see what we can come up with,” says the mother.

The family agrees to give this a try.

First, the mother summarizes the conflict using the DIG memory devise. “We desire to see a movie at a price we can afford,” says the mother, “but interfering with our desire, the movie theater owner charges too much money for candy and popcorn. We think he is guilty of being wrong for charging such high prices. From the perspective of the movie theater owner, he desires to make as much money as he can. He probably doesn’t have a conflict with us. He accepts that if he charges too much it will interfere with his desire that people come to his movies. He probably doesn’t think we would be guilty of doing anything wrong if we choose not to come because we can’t afford it. He therefore doesn’t have a conflict with us. We have the conflict with him. Does that capture the conflict?”

“Yes,” the father replies. “That’s very impressive the way you did that!”

“Thanks,” says the mother. “Now, let’s simplify the problem a bit by just focusing on the desire part of the conflict. Can we achieve our desire of going to the movies at a price we can afford despite the prices at the theater for candy and popcorn being so high?”

“We don’t have to eat any candy,” the father offers.

“We can’t sit there at the movies and eat nothing,” says the oldest kid.

“Hmmm,” says the mother. Then, turning to her husband, she say, “Honey, you know what’s going to happen once we get to the theater and the kids see the candy and start smelling the popcorn. The kids are going to start whining, and we’ll end up spending a fortune.”

“Well, we can bring some candy with us,” says the father. “Then we don’t have to pay for the outrageous prices at the theater.”

“Now that’s an excellent suggestion,” says the mother.

“You’re not allowed to bring candy in from outside the theater,” says the youngest kid.

“Well, let’s just try and see what happens,” says the father. “I’ll bring my coat with big pockets and we’ll stash some stuff in there.”

“I’ll bring my big handbag, and we can bring some drinks in it,” says the mother. “We’ll have a much better selection of what we want to bring to the movies if we first go to the supermarket.”

The family gives this plan a try and discovers that it works fine. The movie theater owner is better off with this plan because this family wasn’t coming to the movies at all. Now they come and pay for the price of four tickets, and they still buy a fresh bag of popcorn at the counter. The family gets to enjoy the movie and popcorn, while saving a significant amount of money on candy and drinks. It’s a win-win resolution. And notice that by just focusing on the desire part of the conflict, it helped to simplify it, and this helped to come up with a plan that resolved their conflict.

Okay, that’s our lesson for today on how to utilize the source of power known as “Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference, and Guilt.” Today, we only have space to give an example that illustrates how, by focusing on the “desire” component of a conflict we ended up in a better position to resolve a conflict. I would have liked to give an example that demonstrates how a conflict can become easier to resolve by focusing on the interference condition of a conflict and then at an example that demonstrates how a conflict can become easier to resolve by focusing on the guilt condition of a conflict, but I’m afraid our time is up for today. We’ll get to these kinds of examples soon.

In the meantime, have a great week!

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict resolution, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, frustration, insults, name calling, negative criticism

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The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 17, 2013
9 Comments on The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”

Power, in one sense, is the ability to achieve your desires. In another sense, it is the feeling you get when you have mastered a skill that increases the probability that some desire of yours will be fulfilled. And in yet another sense, it is the feeling that you get when you come to believe that you have the ability to master any skill that will be necessary to achieve your desires as you go along your life path. When people feel confident, they feel powerful. When Lucy steps up on the mound in spring, perhaps she feels that she can take on anything and achieve greatness!

Power and its Connection with Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

The reason that people use name calling, insults and teasing is to try to achieve their desires. In my blog post titled “Insults: A Comic Strip Lover’s Guide,” I provide readers with eight typical desires that people seek to achieve by using name calling, insults and teasing. One example that we covered is the desire to get someone to improve. Consider a mother who sees her young boy misbehaving. She desires to get him to improve, so she yells at him, “You little brat, stop that right now!” If the plans that she uses typically achieve her desires, we say that she is a powerful person, or she has a great deal of power. If the plans that she uses make it harder for her to achieve her desires, we picture her as weak and ineffective. Readers of this blog have been learning plans to increase their skill when they are tempted to launch insults at others or when they find that someone is trying to insult them. Learning the sources of power will greatly enhance these skills.

Power and Plans

People who are powerful at achieving their desires create effective plans. They consider multiple options and how each option would impact the achieving of not only the most pressing desire, but their other desires. They consider not only the short term effects of the plan, but the longer term effects as well.

A mother who brutally beats her son to get him to do as he is told may find that in the short term this plan works, but as the boy becomes older, counter to the mother’s long term desires, he rebels, turns violent towards her, and then runs away, never to be heard from again. The mother comes to feel that what she thought was a powerful way to bring up children was her biggest mistake.

Power Plans versus Sources of Power

The term, “plan,” when used here refers to a series of steps that are described in enough detail so that any reasonable person can immediately implement them. Because there are so many different types of situations in which you find your desires popping up, at times you will feel stuck in coming up with a plan.

A “source of power,” as used here, refers to an idea that can help you to come up with a plan even when you feel stuck. Such sources of power, although not specific enough to implement without some creative problem solving, are helpful in fulfilling a wider range of desires than specific plans. Knowledge of the sources of power can turn a feeling of hopelessness into a feeling of challenge.

The “ABCs of Power” List

In the following weeks, we will begin to build a list of sources of power. They will be placed in alphabetical order, beginning with the letter “A.” Once we are done, by keeping the list readily available whenever you feel stuck about how to achieve your desire, you will be able to retrieve the list, and as you go through it, you will find that it can often serve as an aid for creating a promising plan. By spending time familiarizing yourself with the list, you will find that even when you don’t have the list at your fingertips its alphabetical arrangement will aid your recall.

Today, we will cover the first source of power on our list.

“A” is for Advancing Skills

Consider the following Peanuts comic:

Here we see that Charlie Brown insults himself by stating “Rats! Nobody is ever going to like me.” When he says this, he has three related desires—not being lonely during each lunch hour, getting the little red-haired girl to come over and join him for lunch, and getting people to like him.

Charlie Brown, in this example, tries to come up with a plan to fulfill his desires but the only ones that come to him is to insult himself, and going over to the red-haired girl and trying to talk to her. The first of these two plans doesn’t seem to be much help, and the other seems to Charlie Brown to be too likely to make a bad situation even worse. He seems to have fallen into a state of hopelessness.

But let’s pretend Charlie Brown has a list of the ABCs of Power. The list doesn’t supply him instantly with a specific plan, but he can use it to help create a plan. Today he looks at the first item on such a list, and sees it is Advancing Skills. Next to the item is a little description of how it can be used. Thus, it says:

“Advancing skills” as a source of power will refer here to working toward developing a talent that people you care about value. For example, consider the following comic.

Dagwood seems to recognize that making something with his own hands for Blondie has the potential to fulfill his desire that his wife will appreciate him. But we can see from Blondie’s reaction that his current skill level is far from what it will need to be before his desire will be fulfilled.

In contrast to Dagwood’s failed efforts, in the comic below Linus has figured out a way to fulfill his desire that his teacher appreciates his work.

It’s important to recognize that “advancing skill” as a source of power does not require that you have some inborn talent. In most domains many characteristics once believed to reflect innate talent are actually the result of individuals’ prolonged efforts to improve performance.

Dagwood’s efforts to create woodworks of art by going into his basement once a year and sloppily throwing something together for Blondie, is not what I’m referring to here. The results of such efforts are unlikely to be truly appreciated.

Spending at least fifteen minutes a few times a week may enable you to develop a set of skills that can help to position yourself as being respected for that skill among the people you know.

Now how might we apply “advancing skills,” as a source of power, to Charlie Brown’s problem?

Well, when I was about Charlie Brown’s age, my family moved in January and I had to start a new school in the middle of the year. Everyone there had already formed into groups of friends and I felt lonely not only during the lunch period, but during much of the rest of my days as well. One day, just so that I would have something to do during the lunch period, I brought three balls with me. I had been practicing the art of juggling for a weeks and had managed to reach a point at which I could get three balls going pretty good, but after a few seconds, I’d usually drop one. I felt that with a little more practice, my performance might become smoother.

Very shortly after I began to practice during the lunch period, some kids came over and watched. Before long they asked if they could give it a try. I obliged. A few began to bring some balls with them to school and during the lunch period we began to practice together. As we did, we began to talk about other things as well and I learned their names, and the place began to feel less lonely.

At the same time, I noticed that quite a few kids liked to play basketball in the schoolyard as soon as they finished their lunch. Up to that point, I hadn’t developed my basketball skills.

Rather than to dive right in and ask to play with the other kids during the lunch period, I began to practice after school at a nearby playground. And even before I was ready to get chosen into games, the fact that I felt I was heading in the right direction by working on a plan made these days far more tolerable than if I believed that I was doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life. It gave me a sense of power, in contrast to a sense of feeling powerless.

When I did venture into some basketball games during lunch, I found that because of the way sides were chosen, I didn’t have to be the best player on the court to be a valued contributor to the team. The players just wanted to be challenged enough so that they had to work to get a basket and to win a game.

“Advancing skill” as a source of power can be used in many ways to achieve your desires. If juggling and basketball don’t interest you, maybe acrobatics, chess or something artistic will.

In addition to helping people who find themselves dealing with the kinds of problems Charlie Brown faces in our example, “Advancing Skills” can be enormously important in other settings. Millions of people in the workforce, for example, have had desires to improve their salaries or the type of work they do and found that advancing their skills led to their desires being fulfilled. And whether you are in a school setting or in the workforce, if you have a desire to improve your interpersonal relationships or your intrapersonal relationship, you can advance your skills for free by following this blog.

In our next blog post, we will look at the second item on the list of the ABCs of Power. Until then, have a great week.

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Tags ABCs of Power, advancing skills, challenge, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, name calling, negative criticism, personal power, psychological maturity, sources of power, wisdom

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PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LESSON FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 10, 2013
5 Comments on PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LESSON FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON

Regular readers of this blog know that in the past I’ve written quite a bit about the five levels of maturity for providing negative criticism (see HERE). In fact, I had written so much about it that I had come to believe that perhaps I had said all that was needed to be said on the subject. To my pleasant surprise, while reading Jon Meacham’s fine Thomas Jefferson biography, The Art of Power, I’ve identified a new valuable principle to consider. With that in mind, let’s briefly review what we previously covered on providing negative criticism. Then we’ll take a look at this new Jeffersonian idea.

Providing Negative Criticism: Summarizing the Highest Levels of Maturity

As we discussed in earlier posts on this blog, the two highest levels of maturity for providing negative criticism (levels 4 and 5) can be summarized as follows:

Level 4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

Level 5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level 4 response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

Person variables that are considered: From observing how the person to be criticized handled criticism in the past, he or she determines which of the five levels of responding to criticism is most characteristic of the individual. (For example, if someone tends to physically attack the criticizer when criticized and is big enough to cause real bodily harm, then a decision is made either to not provide the criticism or to provide it only when there is sufficient security, or else someone else is employed to provide the criticism who is capable of dealing safely with the attack prone person.) Other person variables considered are how sensitive the person is when criticized, is the person to be criticized currently in an angry or sad mood, is the criticism likely to be perceived as particularly difficult to bear, versus something likely to be viewed as a relatively minor matter, and if the criticizer’s relationship with the person to be criticized is less than ideal. Depending on such variables, consideration is given to waiting until the person is in a pleasant mood and enlisting someone else to provide the criticism such as a more neutral person, a friend, or someone who is admired by the person who will be criticized. When the person to be criticized is particularly sensitive about an issue, a fictionalized story with a character who displays the offending behavior may be presented, and then the character’s behavior is discussed.
Situation characteristics that are considered: Are there other people around that will lead to face saving behavior coming into play? Is there enough time set aside to process the criticism? Has the person who is to provide the criticism been providing too much negative criticism in too short a period of time? (In this case, consideration is given to waiting until some time goes by in which some positive things are said over the course of several days before hitting the person to be criticized over the head yet again!)

The Jeffersonian Principle for Providing Negative Criticism

If you study carefully the level 5 description that I provided above, you will see that an important person variable to consider before providing criticism is whether or not the criticizer’s relationship with the person to be criticized is less than ideal. Whenever I presented that idea in the past, I suggested that if Jack does not have a good relationship with Judy and he wants to provide some criticism to Judy, he might be wise to consider whether or not it would be better to see if he could get someone who does have a good relationship with Judy to provide the criticism. This remains sound advice. But upon reading Meacham’s biography on Jefferson, I now have something to add.

To introduce this new idea, I think it is useful to understand that Jefferson, himself, was very sensitive when others provided him negative criticism. We see this in several existing documents. For example, in a letter to James Monroe, Jefferson said that the criticism he received while war governor of Virgina “had inflicted a wound on my spirit which will only be cured by the all-healing grave.”

In another letter, this one sent while serving as an American ambassador in Paris to Francis Hopkinson, Jefferson wrote:

“My great wish is to go on in a strict but silent performance of my duty: to avoid attracting notice and to keep my name out of newspapers, because I find the pain of a little censure, even when it is unfounded, is more acute than the pleasure of much praise.”

Perhaps because of this sensitivity to criticism, early in a relationship Jefferson, rather than seeking ways to find fault in his new companion, used a more supportive style. As his biographer describes this style, people often talk too much and listen too little, which can be self-defeating, for in many instances the surer route to winning a friend is not to convince them that you are right but that you care what they think. Everyone wants to believe that what they have to say is fascinating, illuminating, and possibly even epochal.

I love the story that Meacham tells about a Virginia matron of the old school who often hosted Jefferson at her table. She liked to boast that Jefferson never failed to inquire with great particularity how her best dishes were cooked. Though she suspected that charm was at work–even flattery–she was also convinced by the apparent sincerity of Jefferson’s manner of listening. “I know this was half to please me,” she allowed, “but he’s a nice judge of things, and you may depend upon it, he won’t throw away anything he learns worth knowing.”

Now, there are times in a new relationship when you find that you disagree with your new companion. Should you confront the person? If not, what should you do if you say something that was not meant to be critical but you find that your companion takes offense and is now in an angry state?

Jefferson advised a daughter: “Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view. What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”

One of the main desires that people have is to be liked. If we criticize people before we establish that we like them, they are much more likely to feel that we will not like them. This dramatically increases the likelihood of heightened levels of defensiveness. If, instead, we seek first to establish that we do esteem our new companions, and then show a willingness to drop discussions that are beginning to turn angry until a later, more peaceful time, perhaps this would be a wiser course of action.

Jefferson Writing Declaration of Independence

Now, to be sure, there were situations in which Jefferson did not wait until he had established a warm, friendly relationship with a person before providing negative criticism. When Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, for example, he knew it would end up reaching the eyes of the King of England. And there is no question that the document flings direct negative criticism at the King’s conduct. In this situation, despite not having first established a warm, friendly relationship with the King, Jefferson fully supported publicly publishing this obviously inflammatory document.

A teacher monitoring the hallways at school, upon hearing a student insulting another student with the ‘n’ word may feel compelled in that situation to firmly intervene in a manner that will come across as negative criticism. There are public internet forums in which disagreements can be fruitfully aired among individuals who know practically nothing of one another. And so, we still have to consider each individual situation before deciding the best way to deal with criticism. But at the highest levels of maturity, Jefferson offers us a wise option.

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Tags criticism, negative criticism, respect, Thomas Jefferson, wisdom

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IMPLIED CRITICISM: ADVANCED LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 2, 2013
2 Comments on IMPLIED CRITICISM: ADVANCED LESSON

In last week’s post I began to discuss some forms of implied criticism.

In this Dilbert comic that we first looked at in last week’s post, we see that complimenting someone in front of another person can lead to an experience that feels like a subtle form of negative criticism. Learning to recognize not only the most obvious types of negative criticism, but the more subtle forms as well, can improve our ability to handle difficult anger arousing situations.

A single lesson on identifying the more subtle forms of negative criticism is really not sufficient for most of us to actually begin to utilize this skill in a helpful manner. Therefore, today we will practice this skill some more. Then we will look at an example of a woman who is dealing with a challenging interpersonal interaction. We will see that by combining her knowledge of subtle forms of negative criticism with some of the other skills that she has learned from following this blog, a difficult anger arousing situation can have a positive outcome.

Last week, I mentioned that making a suggestion is one form of indirect negative criticism. Let’s take a second look at this.

Suggestions

Often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion—sometimes the direct kind and sometimes the implied kind. When Lucy suggests to Charlie Brown that “we just sort of slip away,” it implies that she has evaluated the team’s performance and she does not like it.

In the workplace, terms like “providing feedback” and “input” are often used as alternative terms to “offering a suggestion.”

In addition to complimenting someone in front of another person and making suggestions, another indirect, implied type of negative criticism is making educational recommendations.

Recommending Education

Like the word “suggestion,” whenever you hear the word “instruction,” you would be wise to think that some criticism is most likely close about. In order to make this point concrete, let’s go back to the scenario we used last week that involves Katrina and Betty, but let’s change it a bit.

In this example, instead of looking over to Betty’s wilting tomato plants and then making a suggestion to move the plants to a sunnier area in the garden, Katrina offers to give some “instruction” on how to plant tomatoes. Although Katrina doesn’t directly say she thinks Betty’s skills can use some improvement, why else would she offer to provide her the instruction? When people say, “I think your skills can use some improvement,” it is a form of criticism.

An Example that Utilizes the Skill to Recognize Subtle Forms of Negative Criticism

Let’s go back, once again, to the example we used in last week’s blog post. Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her backyard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for your coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” yells Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Notice that in this example when Katrina provides Betty her “suggestion,” Katrina doesn’t recognize that she has indeed provided Betty negative criticism. And then, when Betty responds to Katrina’s criticism by criticizing Katrina for criticizing her, Katrina gets defensive, shouting at Betty that she didn’t criticize anything!

This example illustrates the problems that can occur when both parties in a conflict are unskilled at dealing with criticism.

Let’s once again change this Katrina-Betty scenario a bit. This time, let’s pretend that Katrina has been reading my blog and therefore she has been getting more and more familiar with some of its basic ideas.

Katrina looks over to Betty’s wilting tomato plants. Betty,” she says, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for your coming over here criticizing my gardening skills.”

When Katrina hears this, because she has been reading my blog, she quickly recognizes that Betty is now criticizing her. Immediately, the image of a woman comes to her mind:

Then Katrina pauses. She thinks about how she is about to respond to Betty, and notices that she is feeling defensive, and she is about to start shouting at Betty, denying that she has provided any criticism. Katrina then thinks about my blog post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY. She ends up saying to herself, “That response I was getting ready to give to Betty would be rated a fairly immature level–something like level 2 or 3. What would a more mature level look like?”

Katrina then tries to come up with a response to Betty that would be more like level 4. Katrina also thinks about what she learned about implied criticism from my blog and from this she comes to recognize that Betty is correct.

After a few more seconds of thought, Katrina feels pretty comfortable with the new response that she has come up with and decides to give it a try. She recognizes that if her response doesn’t lead to something positive, she can always summarize in a caring way Betty’s concern and then say that she will think more about this over the next few days (see blog post Summarize and Delay).

And so, Katrina begins to respond to Betty’s angry reply:

“Betty” says Katrina, “you say that you don’t like that I criticized your gardening skills. When I said what I said, I thought I was just offering you a suggestion. But after some thought, I see you are right. My suggestion does imply that I criticized your gardening skills.”

“It certainly did!” Betty says.

“I also see, Betty, that you don’t like to be criticized. I really like you a lot, so now that I know this, I’ll try to be more sensitive about that.”

“No one likes to be criticized, Katrina? Do you?”

“Well, Betty, actually I used to have a lot of difficulty dealing with criticism, but now I’m much more comfortable with it. I feel that I can handle it in a warm, friendly way that helps me to understand what others are thinking about me and I learn wisdom from it. There’s still some times when I find that it can be pretty painful to hear, and sometimes my husband gives me so much criticism all at one time that I end up asking him to back off for awhile.”

“That reminds me of today’s Sally Forth comic,” says Betty. And after digging through her newspaper that was sitting on her patio table, Betty shows the comic to Katrina.

Smiling, Katrina says, “Yes, Betty, that comic does captures how I sometimes begin to feel when my husband, Frank, keeps giving me one criticism after another in a real short period of time and I do get so I want to clobber him. Instead, we once discussed it when we weren’t all worked up and angry about something, and we made an agreement. Whenever he begins to criticize me and I’ve had enough, instead of ruining one of his shirts, I just tell him in a loving manner that I’ve had enough for now. He’s agreed to back off whenever I say that, and I do the same thing for him when he asks me to back off for awhile. It’s less expensive then buying a new shirt.”

“Well, Katrina, maybe I am a little too sensitive about being criticized. I think it’s because of how some people in my family criticize me. I have a younger sister, and whenever she criticizes me, she starts to shout and call me an idiot. And I know she knows how to criticize in a nice way because when she’s with her boyfriend, she’s so sweet when she criticizes him. Maybe I should talk with her when we’re not in the middle of a quarrel about it.”

“That’s a great idea, Betty.”

Well, that’s today’s lesson. I hope you found it helpful.

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Tags anger, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, emotions, insults, maturity levels, name calling, negative criticism, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 23, 2013
3 Comments on DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

One major situation in which people end up feeling insulted is when someone provides negative criticism.

Rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism in a warm, friendly and helpful manner.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring. If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism. Today’s lesson will help all of us learn to recognize very quickly when some of the more subtle forms of criticism occur.

WHAT IS CRITICISM?

A Dictionary’s Definition of Criticism

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

My Definition of Criticism

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the word negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations. Today’s blog post will focus on negative criticism.

Direct and Implied Forms of Negative Criticism

Some forms of negative criticism are fairly obvious.

When individuals indicate that they don’t like something, they are clearly providing a negative evaluative statement. These types of evaluative statements are forms of direct negative criticism.

When the word “dislike” is used describing one’s reaction to something, it clearly indicates to us that a direct form of negative criticism has occurred. There are several other words that are so clearly associated with “disliking” that they also signal a direct, obvious form of negative criticism has occurred. The words “bad,” “ugly,” “nasty,” “rotten,” “ridiculous,” “stupid, ”or any other adjective that is generally understood to be not liked, indicate direct, obvious, negative criticism has occurred.

In the above Dilbert comic, none of the characters actually use any form of the word “dislike,” but in the last frame, it’s pretty clear that referring to Alice’s plan as “lame” is a form of negative criticism.

Some forms of criticism are not quite as obvious as the direct kind.

In the above comic’s last panel, Dilbert provides positive criticism to Wally while, at the same time, provides indirect or implied criticism to the woman. In the first panel of the comic, Dilbert hadn’t realized he had provided any negative criticism to the woman and only discovers this clearly by the second frame. This comic illustrates that sometimes we provide indirect negative criticism without realizing it. Under some sets of circumstances, this can lead to unintended problems. It is therefore wise to learn to better recognize negative criticism in all of its guises. Three forms of indirect criticism that often go unrecognized as negative criticism are making a request, making a suggestion, and providing levity.

Making a Request

A request is a type of criticism that is not always recognized as criticism. If I request that you change your shirt before we go out, I’m implying that I think that there is something wrong with it. Thus, it implies negative criticism. If I request that you join me for dinner and a show, it implies that I would like to spend an evening with you. Thus, it implies positive criticism.

To get a better sense of this type of implied criticism, consider a scenario in which a dad, mom, and son are preparing for supper. The son’s dinner job is to set the table. Noticing the butter container is almost empty, he decides to take out a new container and place it on the table alongside the almost empty one.

After everyone sits down to have a pleasant meal, the dad, while buttering his bread, finishes the old container. Not noticing the new container is easily within his reach, he says to his son, “Do you mind getting a fresh container out from the refrigerator? I just finished this one.”

Now let’s say that his son responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “A fresh container is right here, Dad.” The dad glances at the new container of butter, nods his head at his son, thus indicating he recognizes his son is correct, and the family then continues on with the conversation.

Most people will not see the dad’s request containing any criticism of his son. The dad is criticizing the table’s condition; that is, he evaluated the condition of the table, and found that it was missing a sufficient amount of butter. Under this set of circumstance, if the dad did not view this as an example of criticism, in all likelihood it’d be no big deal.

But consider a slightly different scenario. This time the dad, in requesting that his son get out a fresh container, although using the exact same words as the first scenario, now has a slight tone of annoyance in his voice? His son interprets this as meaning that his dad thinks he should have anticipated that the almost empty butter container would not be enough for tonight’s dinner, and therefore he should have taken out, along with the old container, a new container. The son, therefore experiences his dad’s slight tone of annoyance as criticism, not just of the table’s lack of butter, but of something he has done. The son replies using the exact same words as he used in the first scenario. However, when he says,—“A fresh container is right here, Dad,”— draws out the word “Dad” to, “D-a-a-d.” And, instead of a matter-of-fact tone, we notice just a hint of straining in his vocal cords. With these two slight changes, the son more clearly indicates that he is becoming defensive and is now criticizing his dad for not noticing the new butter container. At this point, the dad shouts, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!” All of a sudden, the table blows up in an argument.

As I noted earlier, we would do well to learn to recognize all forms of criticism because there are a variety of effective techniques to draw upon, all specifically designed to address conflicts that involve criticism. It is for this reason that the skill to identify indirect, less obvious, forms of criticism can be helpful. To that end, let’s take a look at another type of criticism that often goes unrecognized as criticism.

Suggestions

As with requests, often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion.

Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her back yard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for you coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” exclaims Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Apparently Katrina has a different definition of a suggestion than I do. Given that we have defined “criticism” as evaluating, Katrina, as she provided her suggestion, also provided criticism. She looked over to the plants, evaluated where they were and what shape they were in, and then presented her judgment to Betty.

On this blog, when I use the word “suggestion” in a description of some scenario, it always indicates that the person to whom the suggestion is made is being criticized.

Levity

Tom Greening writes charmingly provocative poems (see for example his wonderful book titled, Words Against the Void). Recently there was an exchange on the internet among a group of folks who are interested in promoting peace in the world. At one point, Tom sent out the following email:

To Milt,
I’m sorry, but I have sold out.
The money and prestige were too hard to resist.
=======================
KILL

A really cool way to have fun
is solving problems with a gun.
Our government has shown the way
and slaughters bad guys ev’ry day.
It’s patriotic, brave and easy,
so don’t be cowardly or queasy.
There is no reason you should wait
to kill the enemies you hate.
A lot of evil folks must die—
don’t waste your time by asking why.

Tom Greening

Now, at one point there was a discussion about whether this was a type of criticism, or was it levity. Sandra Rafman’s comment on this issue eloquently captured my own view. She wrote:

Intrinsic to its humour, Tom Greening’s poetry is implicitly and/or explicitly critical and gives us a critical perspective on important contemporary issues. He also gently invites us to be self-critical. He reminds me to not take myself too seriously but not to not take important issues seriously, Thanks Tom.
Sandra Rafman, Ph.D.
Professeure honoraire
Université du Québec à Montréal
Senior Psychologist
McGill University Health Centre-Montreal Children’s Hospital

Okay! This concludes the introduction to the notion of direct and implied forms of criticism. Whenever requests, suggestions, and providing levity come up in intrapersonal and interpersonal situations, I am suggesting here that you learn to flash a red light in your mind signaling you to stop and to start considering some of the options we have been discussing in this blog.

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