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RESOLVING RECURRING CONFLICTS

One day Beetle Bailey and Sarge have a conflict:

Beetle aAs you can see, eventually the conflict is resolved.

But a few days later, the two have another conflict.

Beetle fix the blameAgain and again other conflicts spring up between these same two individuals.  These recurring conflicts come about with a distinctly higher frequency than usual for two people in the types of situations in which they live and interact.

When we see two people having an unusual amount of recurring conflicts, at some point we might want to dig a little below the surface to figure out why.

Using the DIG Conflict Model to Help with Challenging Conflicts

From time to time on this blog, we have been using the word DIG to remind us of a simple way to briefly summarize any conflict.  The letters in the word “DIG” reminds us to look for a desire, what is interfering with achieving the desire, and if someone feels that the person who is viewed as interfering with the desire is guilty of doing something wrong.  We also noted earlier that the word “DIG” is a useful memory device because sometimes we have to dig below the surface to understand a conflict (see DIG FOR THE CONFLICT and DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER).

In an earlier post, I discussed two digging tools that help us to find ways of improving our style of providing criticism and resolving conflicts (see WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?).  There, I mentioned that it is helpful to stay mindful that when people are criticized, their desire to be liked and to maintain their freedom may become threatened.  By keeping this in mind, we can often come up with less threatening alternative styles to engage people during our disagreements.  During recurring conflicts, these tools for digging can be very helpful.

Today, we are going to look at three other digging tools because they are especially helpful when we notice that we are dealing with recurring conflicts.

Three Digging Tools Especially Helpful for Resolving Recurring Conflicts

The three digging tools we will focus on today are in the form of questions:

1.  What desire might be motivating the conflict?

2.  What other desires might be motivating the conflict?

3.  Why do the people involved in the problem have this desire in this situation?

To familiarize yourself with this aspect of conflicts, please consider the following Beetle Bailey comic:

Beetle 1From this comic, we might get the impression that Sarge views this situation as a conflict he is having with Beetle, a conflict that we might describe from his perspective as follows:  Sarge desires Beetle to wait in a certain spot and interfering with his desire, Beetle wants to wait in a different spot.  Sarge believes that if Beetle doesn’t follow his order, he will be guilty of insubordination.

Suppose we ask Sarge if, from his perspective, these two sentences capture a conflict he is having with Beetle, and he replies, “Yes!  That lazy bum is trying to goof off again!”

At this point, something strikes me over the head, urging me to dig a little deeper than the two-sentence conflict description Sarge has said captures his conflict with Beetle.  It seems to me that Sarge and Beetle seem to be having far more conflicts with one another than is usual between a sargent and a private under his command.

Hmmm.  To begin digging into this conflict, I put my tools out there where I can easily get at them.  In bold letters I write out the following three questions.

1.  What desire might be motivating the conflict?  2.  What other desires might be motivating the conflict?  3.  Why does the party have this desire in this situation?

As I begin to think about this a little more, I wonder if the desire that I identified in my first attempt to describe the conflict is the best that I can come up with.  Is this really about Sarge’s desire to have Beetle wait in the exact spot that he has pointed to?

In this situation I don’t see how Sarge thinks Beetle is likely to behave in a manner that is interfering with what Sarge says he desires.  Beetle just asks if he can wait sitting in the shade.  Sarge knows Beetle well enough by now so that he must realize that once he orders Beetle to wait where he tells him to wait, he isn’t likely to be insubordinate.   Moreover, it wasn’t any problem for Sarge to figure out how to get Beetle to wait where he wanted him to wait.  All he had to do was bark orders at Beetle, something he’s done numerous times.  Perhaps Sarge has some other desire that is part of the reason he is getting so worked up here.

My memory scans over the other recent conflicts I’ve seen happen between Sarge and Beetle.  I recall, over and over again, situations that had Sarge perceiving Beetle as lazy.

Beetle 2I also recall seeing many times over the years Sarge becoming furious about Beetle’s laziness.

Beetle 3OK, so in most of the situations that conflicts spring up between the two, laziness is an issue.

Let’s pretend, for instructional purposes, that I can explore with Sarge whether or not we can reword the original conflict description as a recurring conflict.

“Sarge, I’m gonna describe your conflict a little differently than before because I don’t think the original description is as good as we can make it.  If you don’t mind, let me know if it is more or less accurate.  Earlier I described it from your perspective as follows: You desire that Beetle wait in a certain spot and Beetle interfered with your desire when he indicated that he wants to wait in a different spot.  You believe that if Beetle doesn’t follow your order, he will be guilty of insubordination.  You agreed that it is pretty accurate.  But what if I describe it instead like this: You have a desire to have privates under your command that are energetic go-getters, and after Beetle was assigned to your outfit you have found his laziness has been interfering with this desire.  You believe Beetle is, and will continue to be, guilty of laziness.”

“Yes, that is a much better description of my conflict with Beetle than your original description.”

“I thought it might be.  Beetle has been in your outfit for years.  Specific conflicts arose.  To deal with his laziness I’ve noticed that you have yelled at him, given him KP duty that required that he peel potatoes up to his ears, and used all manner of threats and physical attacks.

Beetle 4Beetle at least listens to your orders, though sometimes taking them a bit too literally.  But, nevertheless, he is never blatantly insubordinate.   Although Beetle continues to be lazy, you found that with a little assertive hollering (“I SAID WAIT HERE, AND I MEAN RIGHT HERE!”) he usually complies even if he has to stand in place while a steam shovel comes roaring by.”

“Yeah, but he keeps acting lazy.  It’s driving me BERSERK!”

“I can tell it’s starting to really get to you.”

“You’re telling me!!!”

“This last conflict you had with Beetle was resolved with so little difficulty that it really didn’t qualify as a conflict or even a problem.  And yet, Sarge, you remained angry.  And this kind of troubling interaction with Beetle has been happening in one situation after another.  Something else has to be going on.”

Beetle 5“Sarge, I noticed that in each situation that you get angry with Beetle Bailey, it usually has to do with his laziness.”

“You’re right about that!”

Once Sarge clearly understands the nature of his recurring conflict, he is in a better position to seek out a resolution.  Before he understood this, when he would complain to his fellow sergeants about Beetle not doing this or that, they would ask, “Well, did you get him to do it?”  When Sarge would answer yes, they would shrug, and say, “At least he’s not insubordinate.”  But now Sarge tells his fellow sergeants, “See if you can help me with this problem.  I want privates under my command to be energetic, hustling team members, and after Beetle was assigned to my outfit I’ve found his laziness has been interfering with this desire.  Beetle continues to be guilty of laziness.  Any of you have any ideas to fix this?”  

“Well, I had a recruit once by the name of Bob,” says one of the sergeants, “and he was the laziest bum I ever saw in my life.  Well, what I did was, I told this here Bob, the next time you do anything that strikes me as lazy, I’m gonna put you on KP duty until you go a whole two weeks without my catching you acting lazy.  Then I’m gonna let you off KP duty until I catch ya being lazy again.  We’re gonna keep doing this until you stop being lazy.  Anyway, it worked like a charm.”

Now I’m not saying this plan is ideal or that it will work every time.  I simply lay it out there as a part of a parable designed to give you an example of a recurring conflict and to suggest that by digging a little to better define a conflict, we are oftentimes better positioned to seek more specific, helpful advice.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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THE IMMATURITY OF POLITICIANS

Regular readers of this blog well know that I have been advocating that there are some ways of responding to interpersonal situations that are more mature than others.  For example, in one post I describe four levels of maturity for responding to criticism.  In another, I describe five levels of maturity for providing negative criticism. In those posts, I contend that when dealing with criticism the use of insults and threats tend to lower your level of maturity.  Moreover, people who are less mature tend to be less liked and respected, and in the long run, less effective in achieving their goals. Shortly after I began to write these posts, I began to hear from some people who wondered if my levels of maturity don’t apply in the realm of politics.  One reflection of this sentiment came from E. Mark Stern who wrote: My wife is in local politics. And though she decided to run for office knowing that there would be political opponents, she had not bargained for the name calling and personal attacks on her being….One may think of such bullying as much in the American tradition – a to be expected risk that elected officials need to grin and bear. But when attacks get personal, and one’s being is fair target, then it gets intolerable and the people one serves suffer for it. After reading these types of comments, I began to think of the many attack ads that we all are exposed to during political campaigns.  And then I thought about what I had heard from several TV political analysts over the year–attack ads are used because they work. There is obviously a great deal of money to be made from producing and running these ads for the very same people who hire TV political analysts, so I decided to look deeper into this claim.

How Effective Are Attack Ads?

According to an August 8, 2013 article in Scientific American: “A comprehensive literature analysis published in 2007 in the Journal of Politics examined the effects of political ads. The authors reported that negative ads tended to be more memorable than positive ones but that they did not affect voter choice. People were no less likely to turn out to the polls or to decide against voting for a candidate who was attacked in an ad.” The Scientific American article goes on to say that the reviewed studies all had some drawbacks and therefore evidence on the effectiveness of negative political ads is best viewed as inconclusive. After looking at the scientific evidence for the insulting actions that politicians regularly engage in, I wrote two posts that tried to throw some light on this topic–one back on October 13, 2012 about two presidential debates, and a more recent one on January 13, 2014 about New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christie’s use of insults. Since I wrote those posts, a couple of particularly vivid examples came to my attention.  The first again involves Governor Christie; the other involves US Congressman Michael Grimm.

The Governor Christie Example

This example I first learned about it on the Feb. 6, 2014, edition of MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow Show. According to Rachel’s report, on Nov. 17, 1996, Chris Cristie, who had recently been elected to be a Morris County Freeholder, made a public apology and retraction to two people who ran against him in the Republican primaries.  He had claimed in attack ads that they were under investigation for their part in some corruption scandal.  Here is his apology: Dear Cissy and Ed, I  am writing to express my sincere apology to both of you and your families concerning two political advertisements which ran on my behalf during the Freeholders Primary Election Campaign in May and June, 1994. The commercials ran over 400 times on cable TV.  He goes on to state that “the ads were not appropriate.  They should not have been part of my campaign when I ran against you.  I fully intend, in any future campaigns in which I am involved, to be more sensitive to the impact of such tactics.  I hope you will accept this heartfelt apology in which it is made.”

Rachel Madow
Rachel Madow

Rachel reported that the “spirit in which that apology was made is that it was legally required of Chris Christie after he was sued over those ads.” Although the ads were declared false after the election was over, Rachel expressed her belief that they worked for Christie who won that race. I’m not really sure I agree with Rachel that the ads worked.  We really don’t know for a fact that Christie wouldn’t have won the election anyway.  In addition to the apology, as part of settling the law suit, Christie had to pay money to the people that he ran the ads against. After the voters heard what he had done, they failed to reelect him when he ran again for the same seat.  Moreover, he tried to get elected during that same period to another office, and again he lost. Christie was only able to get back into politics after that incident after raising a great deal of money for George W. Bush during Bush’s run for president, who then rewarded Christie by naming him top federal prosecutor of NJ even though he was never a prosecutor before at any level.  The years went on, and finally Christie again ran for office–this time for  Governor of New Jersey–and won.

The Rep. Michael Grimm Example

Rep. Michael Grimm emerged Wednesday at the Capitol, calling his rant a 'mistake.'About a year or so ago, Rep. Grimm was being interviewed by Michael Scotto, a NY1 reporter, about President Obama’s State of The Union speech. When Scotto tried to turn the conversation to the subject of a two-year federal investigation into allegations of  a campaign finance violations investigation, Grimm told him, “I’m not speaking about anything that’s off topic. This is only about the President,” and then he walked away. Michael Scotto says he isn't frightened by the threats, 'I'm not taking it personally.'But as Scotto was talking to viewers back in New York, the Congressman stormed back into the shot and threatened and insulted him. “Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again I’ll throw you off this f—–g balcony,” Grimm said. “Why, why, I just wanted to ask you …?” Scotto responded. “If you ever do that to me again …,” the Representative shot back. “It’s a valid question,” Scotto said in his defense, but Grimm replied: “No, no, you’re not man enough, you’re not man enough. I’ll break you in half. Like a boy,” according to the NY1 transcript. The next day, Grimm issued a public apology: “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have allowed my emotions to get the better of me and lose my cool. I have apologized to Michael Scotto, which he graciously accepted, and will be scheduling a lunch soon. In the weeks and months ahead I’ll be working hard for my constituents on issues like flood insurance that is so desperately needed in my district post-Sandy.”

Discussion

I began this post by contending that: 1. there are some ways of responding to interpersonal situations that are more mature than others 2. when dealing with criticism the use of insults and threats tend to lower your level of maturity 3. people who are less mature tend to be less liked and respected, and in the long run, less effective in achieving their goals. If I am correct, why then do so many politicians regularly display behaviors that I characterize as immature?

One reason that we looked at was that many people have a financial interest in selling the idea that smear tactics do work.  In actuality, the best scientific evidence currently available suggests that this claim is false.  Since this evidence is not perfect, the best that we can say for the claim is that there is no convincing evidence to support it despite years of research that has focused on addressing this issue.

After discussing this research, I then presented two examples of politicians using immature ways to criticize others.  Chris Christie used a smear campaign against his opponents in a Republican primary.  Although he won the election, he had to issue a public apology, pay a financial settlement and he became unelectable for several years afterwards.  Rep. Grimm desired to not have to publicize the fact that there has been an investigation into allegations regarding his campaign.  When he criticized a reporter for bringing the topic up in front of a TV camera, he included in his criticism, threats and insults.  Like Christie, he too had to issue a public apology.  Moreover, because of his immature actions, the press publicized the story to a far greater audience leading to far more people learning about the investigation.

The levels of maturity for responding or providing negative criticism are most relevant to your interpersonal relationships.  The relationship between politicians and their voters is best viewed as an intergroup relationship, rather than an interpersonal one.  This intergroup relationship involves the group of people who might potentially vote for him, the group of people who have a vested interest in getting the politician elected, and the groups of people who are working to get someone else elected.

Although I contend that the levels of maturity are relevant in intergroup relationships, other issues often become more important. When people decide on who to vote for, they consider many issues, not just whether or not the candidate insults anyone.  If some voters recognize that Governor Christie insults others a bit more than other candidates, they may feel that his stand on keeping taxes low is a far more important issue for them. Politicians, moreover, are not seeking to develop a sound interpersonal relationship with you.   Instead, they are seeking your vote.  They know very well that not everyone is going to vote for them.  If they anger 49 percent of voters, but 51 percent end up voting for them, they achieved their goal, at least in the short run. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, if you act in a manner that leads to 49 percent of the people you personally know not liking you, those who don’t like you can begin to say things behind your back to people who actually personally interact with you. Some of what they say can be untrue and very unfair.  You may find that when people that you like have parties, you no longer get invited.  When you used to be invited to go bowling, now someone else is getting invited instead.  These types of consequences have far more direct effects on your personal life than anything that is likely to happen as a result of a typical election. And so, for these reasons, I hope that you don’t come to believe that because many politicians act in insulting ways throughout their careers that this means that the notion of maturity is irrelevant to your own interpersonal relationships.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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LEARNING TO HANDLE CRITICISM MATURELY: A PRACTICE SESSION UTILIZING COMIC STRIP EXAMPLES

In an earlier post, eight reasons were given for why someone might criticize or insult you. Becoming familiar with the various reasons is helpful because once you identify the reason, it becomes easier to choose a plan to maturely deal with the criticism.  If you see that someone is just playfully teasing you, just a smile may be all that is needed as a response.  If someone is criticizing you because he or she is in a bad mood, all that might be needed is a gentle, sympathetic response such as, “Is everything okay?”

One of the most frequent reasons why people might criticize you is to encourage you to make some type of improvement.  For example, let’s say we’re going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I see that you have a stain on your shirt.  I might say, “Your shirt has a stain on it.”  In this example, I criticized your shirt because I want to encourage you to change your shirt for something that I think would be an improvement.

When we discussed handling this type of criticism, I proposed that there were:

Five levels of maturity for responding to this type of criticism (see posts titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).

and

Five levels of maturity for providing this type of criticism (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY).

Today we will have some fun practicing identifying what level of maturity is being displayed by a comic strip character and then describing what the character would have to do to earn a more mature rating.  By diligently working on the following exercises, you will find that you will be far better at applying these skills to real life situations.

Exercises with Comics

These exercises require that you read a comic and then respond to one or more questions.  After you create each of your answers, you will have the opportunity to compare it to how I would go about analyzing the situation.

Here’s an interesting one.  Linus criticizes his sister, Lucy, in the hope that this will encourage her to make an improvement. How would you rate Lucy’s response to Linus’s criticism?

Linus and Lucy MY ANSWER:Of the FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY FOR RESPONDING TO CRITICISM, the lowest level is described as follows:

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

Because Lucy hits Linus, she deserves a rating of 1, the lowest level of maturity.

It is interesting that after she hits Linus, Lucy does begin to ask for more information about the criticism he had provided.  This is encouraging from a developmental point of view.  It suggests that Lucy is at least trying to come to some understanding about the criticism.  Mature individuals do process the criticism they receive rather than just ignore it.  But once Lucy has shown Linus that she is likely to slug him when he provides her criticism, he is unlikely to be willing to provide her even more criticism out of fear he would get slugged again.  And so, even though Lucy is interested in learning more about this “talking too much” issue, she may not get a fair and accurate report.  The fact that we silence people from providing important information to us when we hit them is one of the reasons hitting leads to a very low rating.  Wise people encourage criticism rather that discourage it.

Although Lucy’s interest in the criticism does suggest that maturity is beginning to blossom within her, the rating system calls for a rating of 1 if she hits someone regardless of what else she does.  However, if you would like to give her a little higher rating because she shows some real interest in the criticism, that’s fine with me.

In the next comic, Charlie Brown is provided two types of criticism, first positive and then negative.  How would you rate each of Charlie’s two responses?

Charlie and patty
My Answer: As Patty is telling Charlie what’s on her mind, he seems to be smiling, and then he says, “Well, thank you, Patty…I appreciate the compliment.”  This seems to be very consistent with a level 4 response.

Patty then replies, “Don’t mention it…I think that’s the least a person can say about you…”  Charlie appears to be offended by this.  There is a hint of a lowered eyebrow in the final picture (Mr. Shultz often used a lowered eyebrow to convey anger).  Also, Charlie’s mouth is wide open, and the word, “LEAST” is in bold letters, followed by an exclamation mark.  I’m going to give Charlie’s second response a 3 because it matches the level 3 description, which states:

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

I think Charlie’s response matches level 3 because he made it pretty clear to Patty, without hitting her or calling her any names, that he has become defensive as a result of her second criticism.  If Charlie had said the same words, but with a twinkle in his eyes, followed by a friendly smile, I would have given his response pretty close to a level 4.

Let’s do a Calvin and Hobbes comic; they’re so much fun.  As you read it, please take a look to see how Susie handles Calvin’s criticism and then give her response your rating.

Calvin1My Answer: After Calvin criticizes Susie’s statement about Hobbes looking cuddly by saying, “HA!”she does not cry, hit Calvin, destroy any property, insult or glare at him, nor does she indicate that she is uninterested in his criticism, so she doesn’t deserve to get a 1, 2, or 3 rating for her response.  She begins by saying, “Ferocious?”  This indicates to me that she has heard at least a part of the criticism and is giving it some thought.  Summarizing the criticism is one way to show that whatever was said by the criticizer has been heard, and this is an important part of a level 4 response (“…the person criticized makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said.”).

Later in her response, Susie indicates that she disagrees with Calvin’s criticism by saying, “No, he’s not.  He’s a big cutie.”  Then she hugs Hobbes and smiles sweetly.

Level 4 responses permit people to disagree, but it must be done without being disagreeable.  I’m not sure if Calvin completely sees Susie’s style of disagreeing with him as not being disagreeable, but it strikes me as rather sweet.

In the last scene, Calvin and Hobbes argue and Hobbes says, “I was beguiled by her feminine charms, yow.”  Because we, the readers, know Hobbes is really a stuffed animal, the words of Hobbes really are designed to capture a little of how Calvin feels inside.  Thus Calvin recognizes at some level that Susie’s responses in the interaction he had with her were somewhat beguiling.  I guess I’m leaning toward giving Susie a rating pretty close to a level 4.  She could have been a little warmer to Calvin and showed some empathy for his desire to have a stuffed tiger that looks ferocious, so I’ll remove some fraction of one off her level 4 rating and give her a 3.8.  If Susie was a student of mine, I’d provide her rating in the following format—“I gave you 4 points because your plan best matches the level 4 description, and then I subtracted .2 points because you didn’t show you fully understood Calvin’s criticism.  Therefore you earned a 3.8.”

In the following Baby Blues comic the wife is angry about something.

cluelessIt looks pretty obvious to me that the wife is angry because her husband is relaxing while she is doing one chore after another.  Pretend that you are her and you decide to criticize your husband.  This leads you to pause to consider how you are inclined to do this.  You see within yourself that you plan to act nasty to him.  Please rate that plan and then see if you can come up with something more mature.

My Answer: If I was imagining I was the wife in this situation, I would rate the plan that is used in the comic a 2 because it best matches the level 2 description:

This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said

In seeking to figure out a more mature response, I think I might end up creating something like this— I’d say to my husband, “When I’m cleaning around the house and you are relaxing, I prefer that you get up and get your own drink.  Are you okay with that?”  Then I would listen to his response in a caring manner, show him that I heard what he said, and then, if I wanted to provide some additional negative criticism to him because I disagreed with his response, I would pause to rate the response I am inclined to make, and try to create something more mature.

Well, this concludes our little practice session for today.  I hope you had some fun.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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DEALING WITH SUBTLE FORMS OF CRITICISM

If you have been following this blog, you know that from time to time I have been discussing insults and criticism.  In earlier posts, we looked at situations in which people end up feeling insulted because someone provided negative criticism.

peanuts opium

dilbert criticism 1

I have argued that rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism, as well as words that might come off as insulting.  When we learn to respond skillfully to negative criticism and insults, we develop a confidence in these types of situations.  This dramatically reduces our defensiveness.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring.  If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

male criticismfemale-criticsm

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism.  I therefore have presented posts that discuss dealing with direct and implied forms of criticism.  I’ve noted that when someone makes a suggestion, this usually implies some negative criticism.

Subtle 3I also explained how recommending that someone get some additional education also usually implies some negative criticism.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

We also took a good hard look at certain forms of levity, in which negative criticism is designed to be charmingly provocative.  It seeks to get people to think more deeply about an issue.  As George Bernard Shaw put it in his provocative book, Back to Methuselah:

George Bernard Shaw 2“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.”
Shaw, to ward off defensive reactions to his quips, often created fictional plays and had the characters in the plays say them.  Great examples are:
“No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.“
“The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she’s treated.”
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Today we will spend a little more time practicing enhancing our skills for recognizing subtle forms of criticism.  This will help to improve our ability to know when to start using our dealing-with-criticism skills.

More Examples of Subtle Forms of Negative Criticism

As we move forward, please keep in mind that for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as negative the evaluator has made a negative criticism.

FIRST EXAMPLE

subtle 1In the above Calvin and Hobbes scenario, Miss Wormwood politely asks Calvin to put his tiger, Hobbes, in his locker.  Calvin objects to this request by crying out—“In my locker?!  He’ll suffocate!”

Calvin’s response to Miss Wormwood’s request is an example of indirect negative criticism.  He doesn’t directly state he has evaluated her request and found that there is something wrong with it, or that it is bad, or something of that sort.  Nevertheless, he indicates that if he did what she asked, his tiger would suffocate.  To recognize this as a form of negative criticism, it helps to notice that in addition to Calvin’s statement there are other indications that he thinks there is something wrong with Miss Wormwood’s request.  The exclamation marks after Calvin’s statement, the drawing of Calvin with his mouth being wide open as if he is shouting, and the fact that he is practically flying out of his seat while he is shouting, all add up to indicate that Calvin’s reply is rightfully classified as a form of negative criticism of Miss Wormwood’s request.

Although Miss Wormwood takes Calvin’s negative criticism in stride, other teachers might become defensive, and yell something like, “Don’t you talk back to me, young man!”  This might silence students, but leave them seething with anger that is expressed by a rejection of the school enterprise; or it might lead to shouting back at the teacher, creating an escalation of conflict that takes valuable learning time away from the class.

If Miss Wormwood would have become defensive and started to yell at Calvin in response to his negative criticism, this would, according the the DIG Conflict Model, be rated an immature level of responding (see Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity). Instead, she steers in the direction of Calvin’s criticism by offering the compromise of putting his “tiger” under his desk where it will be at least out of the way.  This, according to the DIG Conflict Model, is one of the most mature responses (see Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level).  We see, in this example, that Calvin quickly complies and his teacher can now go on with her lesson without any further delay.

SECOND EXAMPLE

Here’s a Sally Forth comic that illustrates that whenever there is a transaction involving a request or demand, we would be wise to anticipate negative criticism will be present as well.

Subtle 2In this comic, because Sally is visiting her mother for a few days, Ted is left on his own to deal with his nine-year-old daughter, Hil.  When Ted tells Hil it’s time for bed, she begins to reject his demand.  Is Hil’s rejection of the demand a form of criticism?

Well, consider her reply to her dad:  “But Mom’s not here!  We don’t need a bedtime!”  Hil has negatively evaluated her dad’s demand by expressing her disagreement with it.  If you tell someone you disagree with what he or she has done, you have negatively criticized the person’s act.

If Ted was skillful at first recognizing that Hil was providing him criticism, he would be in a better position to say to himself, “From what I’ve learned about the different levels of maturity, let me see if I can design a mature response.”  What if he came up with something like this?

“Hil, I admire the way you seek to defend your freedom.  I want to encourage that.  And you know I’m crazy about you.  At the same time, I also love your mom, as I know you do. It seems to me that we don’t want to break her rules behind her back.  The bedtime schedule is designed for you to get enough rest so you will do well in school.  Both of us have seen what happens to you when you don’t get enough rest.  When your mom gets home, if you want to discuss the rules, we can do it with her, you and me all altogether.  That would be the fair thing to do, wouldn’t it?”

These Examples are Designed to Encourage Deeper Thought

Above, I provided two examples of someone providing negative criticism.  For each example, a response was described that I think is pretty mature.   Please note, however, that I am NOT claiming that they are the ideal responses.  Nor am I trying to make the case that the responses portrayed in the above examples are the only mature responses that can be made.  There is a great deal of flexibility that we have for coming up with high level responses.  I present the above examples in an effort to challenge you to think more deeply about what mature levels of responding look like according to your own lights.

Well, that’s my post for this week.  To all of you who celebrate the beautiful Christmas season, I wish you good cheer, peace on Earth, and good will toward all of our fellow human beings!

With Warmest Regards,

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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GIVING SOMEONE THE COLD SHOULDER: WISE OR FOOLISH?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we begin with a Blondie comic:

Blondie cold shoulder 3

In the above scenario, as Dagwood gets into bed, rather than greet him with warm, open arms, Blondie has turned her back to him.  Because she has become angry with him, all that Dagwood is going to get from Blondie on this night is Blondie’s cold shoulder.

What Does it Mean to Give Someone the Cold Shoulder?

When we are in a relationship, if someone does something that results in arousing our anger, we often seek to punish the person whom we believe to be the source of our anger.  One way to do this is to act in a manner that is typically referred to as “giving him the cold shoulder.”  Of course it is not just women who give guys the cold shoulder; guys do it to their spouse perhaps just as much as women.

man with cold shoulderAlthough when I think of someone giving the cold shoulder to someone, the image that typically comes to my mind is two people in a marriage relationship, but the fact is that a friend can do it to a friend as well.

cold shoulder with 2 womenAccording to Wikipedia, “the phrase “cold shoulder”  has been used as a description of aloofness and disdain,[1] a contemptuous look over one’s shoulder,[4] and even in the context of a woman attempting to decline the advances of an aggressive man.[6] Overall, it remains widely popular as a phrase for describing the act of ignoring someone or something, or giving an unfriendly response.[5] “

Is the “Cold Shoulder” Technique Good or Bad?

I have had discussions with people who use this type of punishment and many of them are just fine with it.  They report that whenever they use this approach, almost always, after awhile, the argument somehow gets worked out and their relationship, overall, has been wonderful.  And they say that they know people who have had a valued relationship lasting a lifetime despite one or both parties in the relationship using the cold shoulder from time to time.

Although I agree that there are certainly worse ways to deal with disagreements than giving the person you are angry with the cold shoulder, nevertheless, I believe there is a much better alternative.

dagwood needs a momentNotice that in the above comic when Dagwood becomes angry with Blondie, instead of giving her the cold shoulder, he lovingly says, “Please, Honey, I need a moment…”

Regular readers of this blog know that I have long advocated that when you see yourself becoming angry, it is wise to provide the other person in your relationship a time out signal that you have worked out when both of you were in a pleasant mood (see ANGER, STRESS AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK OFF TECHNIQUE). This postpones any deep problem solving until you give yourself some time to calm down.

dagwood needs a momentIn the Blondie comic that we just looked at, Dagwood’s signal is “Please, Honey, I need a moment…”  Notice that he includes in his signal a sweet nickname for her.  This can be very helpful. By learning to express your signal in a loving way, it decreases the likelihood that the problem will turn into a more heated problem that will be harder to solve in the future.

Also notice that Dagwood, in this example, says he needs a moment.  Sometimes we need more than a moment.  There is nothing wrong with taking even a week to calm down and to figure out how to best handle the problem you are experiencing.  However, if you do think that it will take you more than 24 hours, I agree with the position that Thich Nhat Hanh takes in his beautiful book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Before the 24 hours are up, do your best to tell the other person why you think you are angry in a loving manner if it is a family member, or a friendly manner with others.  Hanh writes, “Try your best to say it peacefully.  There may be some sadness in your voice, that’s fine.  Just don’t say something to punish or to blame.”

Blondie cold shoulder 3At the beginning of this post I presented a comic in which Blondie makes it clear to Dagwood that she has no intention of telling him why she is angry.  I think that keeping it a secret about why you are angry is simply not fair.  And when you do something that strikes the other party as unfair, you now have created an extra reason to fuel the anger in the relationship.

If you agree with me that within 24 hours it is only fair to share in a loving or friendly way a little description of what you are experiencing, at the point that you provide your description there is no need to try to solve the problem.  But Hanh and I both agree that you owe it to the person who is in a relationship with you to at least give him or her some explanation for what is going on within you.  If you find that you don’t think you can say the words of this communication using a loving or friendly tone, at least try to write a brief note indicating a little of what you have been experiencing.

To help you to make the best use of the time that you are seeking to calm down and to problem solve, I hope you will read the two of the posts in which I discuss this process–Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 1 and Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 2.

Hanh aptly summarizes this process when he wrote:

When we are angry, we have to go back to ourselves and take good care of our anger.  We cannot say, “Go away anger, you have to go away. I don’t want you.” When you have a stomachache, you don’t say, “I don’t want you, stomach, go away.” No, you take care of it.  In the same way, we have to embrace and take good care of our anger.  We recognize it as it is, embrace it, and smile…

Our practice is based on the insight of non-duality.  Both our negative feelings and positive feelings are organic and belong to the same reality.  So there is no need to fight; we only need to embrace and take care…. You may think that you have to combat evil and chase it out of your heart and mind.  But this is wrong.  The practice is to transform yourself.  If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost.  And if you don’t have compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you.  You need the suffering, the affliction in you.  Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them.

Well, that’s my post for today.  I hope you find within it some food for thought.  And please feel free to provide comments or ask questions by typing in the Leave a Reply box at the very bottom of this page.

Have a wonderful week!

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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FROM ANGER TO CHALLENGE: A STEP TWO EXAMPLE

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

Audrey is at a fine restaurant with her parents celebrating her law school graduation.

“Well, your mother and I are so proud of you, Audrey,” says her father.

“Thanks, Dad!”

“Now you know, Audrey, I think it best that you begin your career in my Wall Street firm,” says her father.

“Dad, we discussed this already.  I’m going to get a job in the Department of Justice.  I made some connections there and that’s where my heart is.”

“We discussed that several months ago, and just briefly,” her father replies.  “Now that the real decision is right before you it’s time to get serious.  I want to make sure you really think this out thoroughly to prevent you from doing anything foolish.”

I’m twenty-five years old now, Audrey thinks to herself.  Dad should respect my decision on this.  It’s my life for crying out loud! 

audrey17As these thoughts fly through her mind she begins to see that her temper is rising.  She takes a deep breath, and says, “Dad, I know you’re concerned about me because you love me, and I certainly love you for that.  Today I just want to celebrate what I’ve accomplished.  Let’s put some time aside next week to fully discuss your concerns.”

“I don’t see why we can’t discuss it now,” says her father.  “We have the time right now!”

“Not now, Dad!” Audrey says firmly.  “I’m not prepared for this.”

“I think Audrey is being very fair, John,” says Audrey’s mother.  “It’s really Audrey’s decision.  It’s her life.  She agreed to discuss it with you next week.  Make a time to do this and let’s get on with the celebration.”

“Okay, Audrey,” her father says with a frown.  “We’ll have dinner at home next Friday, and we’ll discuss it then.”

“Thank you, Dad,” Audrey says, and she leans over and gives her father a kiss on his cheek.

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

Later that night, Audrey is back in her apartment.  She gets comfortable in bed and begins to ponder, while imagining her friendly self is listening.

I’ve heard Dad’s arguments twenty times already! Why should I bother to listen again?  I wish he would just let me make my own decisions.  I’m not a baby anymore! 

She pauses, and wonders what her good friend in her mind might say.  “It is understandable that you are angry,” comes the imaginary reply.  “Don’t you think it would be a good idea to take a few seconds to observe your internal physical sensations?” 

“Oh, OK,” Audrey responds.  She then closes her eyes and observes tightness in her stomach and that she is chewing on her lip.  She continues to observe her internal sensations, without trying to put any words to them.  Soon, her anger fades.

A wave of sleepiness comes over her.  

I’ll think about this some more tomorrow, she says to herself.  Heck, probably the best thing to do is to just listen to Dad once more over dinner next Friday, and then I’ll smile and tell him that I heard him out.  Then I’ll declare that I’m going with a career at the Department of Justice.

Audrey12She smiles, and then she slides down into her bed covers.  After an hour of fitful tossing and turning, she finally falls asleep.

The next day, Audrey once again considers how to deal with her father’s concern. 

audrey13OK, she thinks to herself, it’s time to try out this two-step process.  First Step: Spend a few minutes going through the experience in which I became angry with Dad from a few steps back from what actually occurred, observing my distant self in the event.

After going through this experience, Audrey says to herself, I feel like I can be a little more reasonable about what happened.  Now I’m determined to achieve my desire to resolve this conflict. Don’t forget that the stress I’m experiencing is normal and fulfillment is not found in easy comfort, security, and routine, but rather in the continual growth in wisdom through what is learned from negative and positive experiences of an active, changing life.  Those thoughts are firing me up!

Audrey then takes a deep breath and resolves to get down to the task at hand.  Is the plan I came up with yesterday sufficient? she asks herself.  Hmmm.  Last night I thought that the best way to handle this conflict is to just listen one more time to Dad.  Aaaa, he’ll get angry with my decision and then I’ll get angry with him.  I’m just not comfortable with this.  That means I got to go through a bunch of other stuff to prepare,.  Maybe I should just tell Dad to mind his own business and that’s that!

But then she read a Calvin and Hobbes comic that was sitting on her coffee table.

Calvin1

After smiling, she says to herself, I still have several days before my Friday dinner discussion with Dad. There’s no pressure to come up with an immediate plan.  I think I’ll try out Step 2—Carrying out a more complete decision process.  But I’m going to take another day just to put this all aside.

audrey14It’s the next day.  Audrey reminds herself that she is at Step two. OK, I have to do three things to carry out a more complete decision process.  First, I have to describe my anger conflict using the DIG Conflict Model.  conflict triangle1That’s easy.  I desire to get a job with the Department of Justice and Dad is interfering with this by insisting I consider more thoroughly what my job options are.  I think Dad is guilty of not minding his own business.  Let me see if I can frame the conflict from Dad’s perspective. He desires that I go into his Wall Street firm and interfering with this he knows that I’m determined to go to work for the Department of Justice.  He thinks I am guilty of being wrong because I have not thought about this as thoroughly as he would like.

audrey 15Hmmm.  As I think about this some more, my guess is that the real conflict Dad has with me has nothing to do with how expert I am at making these types of decisions—he really just wants me to work with him and to guide my career. But unless I address the conflict as he is now defining it, we’ll never get to the real issue.

Now, the next thing Step 2 has me doing is to go over my ABCs of Power list. Here it is. I see the first source of power is A for Advancing Skills.  This source of power refers to working toward developing a talent that people you care about value.

After Audrey thinks about the other sources of power, she takes a mile walk just to relax for a while.

When she gets back to her apartment, she sits down on her couch and says to herself, Okay then, tomorrow I’m going to go to the library and spend an hour studying up on what it looks like to be an expert on making decisions.  Then when I see Dad on Friday, I’ll impress him with my knowledge, and we’ll go through the decision process together.  I’ll make sure that by the time the evening is over he will know that I heard him out.  I’ll then summarize his position and declare my decision.

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

The next day, Audrey begins a search in her library’s bookshelves and comes upon a book titled Decision Making:  A Psychological Analysis of Conflict, Choice, and Commitment, by Irving L Janis and Leon Mann. 

On page 11, she finds that the authors extracted from an extensive literature review seven major criteria that can be used to determine whether decision-making procedures are of high quality.  She writes these down:

Audrey5Decision makers, to the best of their ability and within their information-processing capabilities:

1.  thoroughly canvass a wide range of alternative actions;

2.  survey the full range of objectives to be fulfilled and the values implicated by the choice;

3.  carefully weigh whatever they know about the costs and risks of negative consequences, as well as positive consequences, that could flow from each alternative;

4.  intensively search for new information relevant to further evaluation of the alternatives;

5.  correctly assimilate and take account of any new information or expert judgment to which they are exposed, even when the information or judgment does not support the course of action they initially prefer;

Audrey86.  reexamine the positive and negative consequences of all known alternatives, including those originally regarded as unacceptable, before making a final choice;

7.  make detailed provisions for implementing or executing the chosen course of action, with special attention to contingency plans that might be required if various known risks were to materialize.

Later in the chapter, the authors review some of the research supporting this approach.  Hmmm, Audrey says to herself, there’s some pretty good evidence this procedure can be helpful.

Audrey7She then quickly lists the three job alternatives that made the most sense to her—a job with the Department of Justice, a job with her Dad’s Wall Street firm, or opening a private law practice in a small town.  She then lists the pros and cons  of each.

When Audrey finishes this, she decides that it would be a good idea to talk to some experts about what are, for each of the three alternatives, some pros and cons that she might not be aware of.  She decides that the experts for this task are people who are currently working in each of the three types of jobs. 

Dad is a good expert for the job as a Wall Street lawyer, she thinks to herself.  I’ll have him help with this at our Friday dinner meeting.  But he wants so much for me to join his firm, he’ll probably be biased, and he’ll end up playing down the negatives.  It would be better to ask someone who doesn’t care if I become a Wall Street lawyer.

Audrey10To track down lawyers in each type of job, Audrey emails professors from her law school that then put her in contact with former students of theirs who had gone on to careers in each of the three jobs.  The discussions she has with these former students are very helpful.

By the time Audrey and her father meet for their Friday dinner, Audrey has given her career a great deal of thought.  She impresses her Dad with her knowledge of what it takes to thoroughly consider her job options, the type of research that supports the procedure she had chosen, and the information that she had gathered on the specific options that she considered.  She then asks her father for his input.

When her father is done, Audrey carefully summarizes what he had to say.  She pauses for a good few minutes, showing her dad she is really thinking over all the information she has gathered.  Then she announces her decision that she is going to stick with her initial choice, a job with the Justice Department.  Her father once again objects, making a few final pleas for her to reconsider.  female-criticsmAudrey recognizes this as negative criticism of her decision.

She pauses to think about how she can respond at level five which requires that she try to come up with some way to steer in her father’s direction.  Suddenly, an idea comes to her.

After summarizing what her father had said, using her most loving voice, she says, “Dad, you make some very good points.  Here’s what we’ll do.  After one year of my job at the Department of Justice, you and I will meet again to discuss my career.  I’ll have a lot more information by then about what I like and don’t like about that job.  You’ll have a whole year to think up some new reasons for me to go into your firm.  I’ll only be 26 by then, and so it won’t be too late to change my career path.  And if I do decide to change, I bet at least some of the stuff I’ll be learning at the Justice Department will be helpful for a Wall Street lawyer to know. 

Audrey9Audrey’s father looks a little sad as she tells him of her final decision.  Still, he nods, and says that he appreciates that she will remain open about the possibility of changing her decision after a year.  They conclude their meeting with a sweet hug.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Teenage Suicide and Cyberbullying: A Case Study

One morning I was getting ready to write my weekly blog post when I decided to first glance over at the New York Times‘ front page.  A wave of sadness washed over me as I spotted the following headline:

Girl’s Suicide Points to Rise in Apps Used by Cyberbullies

Rebecca Sedwick
Rebecca Sedwick

According to the Times, 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick leaped to her death after more than a year of being cyberbullied by a coterie of 15 middle-school children who urged her to kill herself.

Rebecca's mother, Tricia Norman
Rebecca’s mother, Tricia Norman

Rebecca’s mother, Tricia Norman, said the texts her daughter was receiving were full of hate: “Why are you still alive?” “You’re ugly.”

Ms. Norman complained to school officials for several months about the bullying, and when little changed, she pulled Rebecca out of school.  But because Rebecca used the phone apps ask.fm, and Kik and Voxer — the bullying continued.

TextingA number of suicides by young people have been linked to ask.fm, and online petitions have been started to make the site more responsive to bullying. The company ultimately responded this year by introducing an easy-to-see button to report bullying and saying it would hire more moderators.

school 1Questions have been raised about whether Rebecca’s old school, Crystal Lake Middle School, did enough last year to help stop the bullying; some of it, including pushing and hitting, took place on school grounds. The same students also appear to be involved in sending out the hate-filled online messages away from school.

school 3Nancy Woolcock, the assistant superintendent in charge of antibullying programs for Polk County Schools, said the school received one bullying complaint from Rebecca and her mother in December about traditional bullying, not cyberbullying. After law enforcement investigated, Rebecca’s class schedule was changed. Ms. Woolcock said the school also has an extensive antibullying campaign and takes reports seriously.

But Ms. Norman said the school should have done more. Officials told her that Rebecca would receive an escort as she switched classes, but that did not happen, she said.

Given the outcome, I too wish that more had been done.  It is my sincere hope that all of my readers will take a minute to pause to experience this sad loss of Rebecca.

A few months ago I published a review of the movie, “Bully.”  Today, some of what I wrote back then bears repeating.

The movie’s emotional impact has been an important part of the emergence of a coalition working toward altering intolerable conditions too often regarded as “just kids being kids.”

bully4The movie has spawned The Bully Project, an online site where people can learn more about dealing with bullying.  There, kids who are bullied can learn that they are not alone.  And educators can learn about how to set up a viewing of the movie for their entire school and to follow up the viewing with classroom discussions.

In one video that we can access at the site, we see an entire school going to the movie and then getting the reactions from students.  One kid reports that there was not a dry eye in the auditorium.  Others admitted that they had bullied, but now realized it was wrong.

bully6As my regular readers know, also available online is this blog, From Insults to Respect.  The blog can be used as a free curriculum that teaches the social skills to deal with these challenging experiences.  For schools that already have an extensive antibullying program, the blog can be used to further reinforce its lessons.  For schools that don’t have such a program, or has one that uses a mere one or two lessons per year, the blog can serve as an ongoing forum to promote peaceful conflict resolution techniques.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

A particularly powerful way to teach skills that deal with bullying is through narratives that are designed to change the valuation of bullying to make it signify ineptitude rather than manliness. The movie, “Bully,” is one such narrative.   The Cool Steve Stories, a trilogy of novels, offers another.

hero coverLove cover

There we become friends with a hero that rejects bullying and yet still manages to achieve respect.

The gut-wrenching story about 12-year-old Rebecca’s suicide cries out to us that for too long we have not done enough to address the awful injustice we find in and around our schools.  May her story spur us on to do better.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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THE MOST MATURE LEVEL OF RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: ADVANCE LESSON

criticismAre there different levels of maturity for responding to criticism?  If so, what is the most mature level?

Over recent weeks we have been pursuing an answer to these questions (see for example, Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity and Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level).   During this pursuit, I put forth a tentative proposal for a most mature level because I think that’s a good way to get into these types of questions.  Not only have I described what I think is the most mature level, I have presented arguments against this most mature level and arguments for it.

When I have taught these types of lessons in a classroom setting, despite all that I have already said on this topic, many of my students continue to raise some additional questions.  And so, in this post I will try to clarify some points of confusion that have been brought to my attention by my students over the years.

Clarifying the Difference Between a Pawn and an Origin.

Responding to criticism at the most mature level requires that we seek to lead the criticizer to feel more like an origin than a pawn.

pawnMany of my students have asked me to talk more about this point.

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings.  Somewhere in our hearts and minds we realize that bossy people create a revolt against perceived illegitimate power.  Calvin’s father, in the following comic, begins to realize this.

Calvin and Hobbes steeringFeeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating my behavior.

When you respond to criticism at the most mature level, you seek to come across as “not being bossy.”  By trying to come up with some way to steer in the direction of the criticism,  you come across as showing that you can be influenced by the person who is criticizing you.

Providing More Examples of Steering

After explaining a little more about the difference between feeling like a pawn and feeling like an origin, many of my students ask me to provide some more examples of people using steering.

teacher3In the DeCharms study I discussed earlier (Pawns in The Classroom), teachers who had learned to steer put fifteen minutes aside once a week to ask students to criticize how things are going during the week.  The teachers in the study didn’t actually use the word “criticize.”  The students were asked to provide “suggestions.”  Suggestions, as we have discussed are, in a sense, criticism because people only make suggestions when they first make some sort of evaluation of what they perceive.  Based on the evaluation, they then declare what they think might be an improvement.

The teachers were taught to listen to the student suggestions in a manner very similar to the description of level four on the five levels rating system. However, when teachers who use steering feel a suggestion does not make sense they do not merely attempt to disagree without being disagreeable.  Instead, they try to use some aspect of the suggestion so the student feels the suggestion has been taken seriously.

teacher2For example, let’s say a student suggests that if the class works hard all day, the last hour should be free time.  Suppose the teacher, let’s call her Mrs. Jones, feels that a daily hour of free time would waste too much learning time.  Mrs. Jones can still steer in the direction of the suggestion.  That is, she can explain her concern about wasting too much time; then she can propose that if by the end of the week the students had done a spectacular job all week long, the last hour on Fridays they will be given the freedom to choose either to get a head start on homework, write in their journal, or read a library book; then, after proposing this, Mrs. Jones asks the class if they want to give this a try.  Notice that she is using the student’s suggestion of free time to influence where she steers the activities for the week.

Steering frequently ends up with the criticized person offering some type of choice to the criticizer.  But there is a difference between providing a choice using a steering model and offering a choice in general.  teacher4Consider a teacher who offers a choice to a student by saying, “Either you do the assignment or fail the course.  Those are your choices.”   This is not an example of steering.  Nor is this—a teacher says, “I’m giving you a choice between playing ‘Math Blaster’ or ‘Race to the Moon.’  Hurry up and pick one, I don’t have all day!”

A teacher who is using steering would be more likely to say something like, “Here are two games that teach some math skills.  Which one do you think would be best for you?”  Notice the difference in attitude between the approaches.  In the first two examples, the choice may not be perceived as a genuine choice but more of a demand to pick either one or the other.  In the Peanuts comic below, we get a sense of how strong a reaction can occur when a child comes to believe the choice he or she is given is not really genuine.

Peanuts AUGH!Steering by teachers demonstrates a degree of respect in that the teacher is genuinely interested in the student’s opinion and is willing to have that opinion count in deciding what will be done.

Here’s an example involving a father and his son.

For Better, steeringIn the For better or for Worse comic, Michael criticizes his father’s decision that it’s time to go to bed.  The father, no doubt, disagrees with his son’s criticism.  Yet, rather than just saying his son is wrong, he seeks instead to come up with a way that utilizes some aspect of his son’s criticism to come up with a new alternative.

I think that the father, by asking his son to ask EVERY kid in town about bedtimes was unreasonable, but I trust that you get the point I’m trying to make in this example.

In the Luann comic below, Knute’s effort to work out what to do on his upcoming date with Crystal is evident.

Luann steeringKnute’s effort to find something to do that they will both like probably will be far more helpful in establishing a relationship with Crystal than if he insists on taking her to a monster truck rally.

Now, some people confuse steering with compromise.  Steering can involve a compromise, but oftentimes it leads to something better than a compromise.  The classic example of a compromise occurs when someone wants to buy something, let’s say a used car.  The car dealership wants ten thousand dollars for the car, but the buyer wants to pay only five thousand dollars for it.  In the end, they settle on $7,500.  Both parties don’t end up getting quite what they had hoped, but they settle so they can close the deal.  Both parties may walk away a little disappointed.

Oftentimes, when steering occurs, neither party is disappointed.

Steering envisions that the person criticized makes an effort to see if there is some way out of the conflict, a way where two opposing views can be reframed into an original and larger context that provides new values to both parties.  This may be difficult and at times not always possible or desirable, but as we move along, I hope to show that it is possible far more often than commonly believed.

Rudyard Kipling’s Poem, If

kipling

Back in 1897, Rudyard Kipling wrote one of his most famous poems—If.  Relevant to our discussion is the part that says:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise…

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

When someone is blaming, doubting, hating, or lying about you, they very likely are criticizing you and in a rather unflattering manner.  How would it be best to respond to this?

Among the things Mr. Kipling encourages you to do is to keep your head even when others are losing theirs—admittedly, not always an easy thing to do.  He urges you to trust yourself when all doubt you and make allowance for their doubting too.  I’m not sure I completely agree with this, for spending some time in doubt seems to prod me, at times, to consider some important alternatives—but I think I have some sense of what he was trying to get at here.

Although I’m tempted to analyze Kipling’s poetry with a fine tooth comb, the thing about poetry is that the poet seeks to capture more than what can be analyzed.  With just the right mixture of words and phrasing, Kipling strove to capture a certain subtle emotion and attitude.

I present the poem for your consideration in hopes that you will see that there is something in it that captures the emotion and attitude of the two highest levels of the five levels rating system.  If you read the poem a couple of times and then the description of the two highest levels, you may find, when taken together, that they share a truth beyond words.

Well, that’s today’s lesson.  I hope you enjoyed it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger comic strip conflict management conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum insults intrapersonal conflicts psychological maturity social intelligence types of criticism wisdom

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A LESSON FROM BLONDIE

Over the course of the last few weeks I presented some lessons that aim to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE). As I’ve pointed out on many occasions, becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day.  It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions.  And so, from time to time, I insert a little practice session to remind you of the previously presented ideas and to give you a little practice utilizing them.  Today, we will take a look at a Blondie comic example.  There, you will find that after Dagwood gives Blondie a statue she sees as ugly, she criticizes herself.  Please take a look at her response to her self-criticism, and see if you think she handled it maturely.

blondie intra 1blondie intra 2blondie intra 3blondie intra 4blondie intra 5blondie intra 6blondie intra 7 blondie intra 8blondie intra 9

As you think about how maturely Blondie criticizes herself in this comic, perhaps it would be of help to look at the five levels of providing criticism that we discussed earlier:

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Cries without stating what the crying is about
  • Physically attacks themselves
  • Damages property

    2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • They do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, calling themselves a jerk”)
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.    

    3.  The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.        

4.  The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  If the person becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.        

5.  When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the situation that he or she is in.  As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

Now that you refreshed your memory of the five levels, does any one of them seem to match how Blondie criticized herself?  Think about this, if you will, and then you can have some fun comparing your thoughts with mine.

My answer:  Obviously, what we see is not meant to display Blondie’s whole response, but there is enough here to hazard a guess for our educational goal of familiarizing readers with the maturity rating system.

blondie intra 6Blondie frames her feeling as “terrible.”  It would be a sign of higher maturity if she conceptualized her experience instead as “sad” and “a valuable emotion that will lead to her thinking more deeply about something very important to her—her relationship with her husband.”

We know from what we see here and from observing her behavior over the years that Blondie is a very caring person.  So, perhaps she is the type to be compassionate toward her own limitations.  She doesn’t hit herself, so she may not be at level 1.  In the last box, she may be crying and this would indicate her response deserves a level 1 rating unless she also displays some set of responses that deserves a higher rating.

When Blondie calls herself insensitive, it comes pretty close to matching level 2.   Admittedly, this is a tricky call.  One reason for the difficulty is that she might not be really insulting herself at this point.  Instead, she might be displaying the process of thinking through the best course of action for herself.   That is, she might be laying out for her consideration the value of being considerate.

If she had obviously put herself down by calling herself a rat for example, this response would be easier to rate as a level 2.  But the descriptor, “insensitive,” is very relevant to what concerns her about her actions.  I like her concern for her husband.  I view empathy as a sign of higher levels of maturity.

blondie intra 9In the last frame, she is taking some time to deal with her challenging experience.  Maybe she is actually using the “sensory focus” technique we recently discussed (see DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN).  “Sensory focus” involves turning your attention to the physical qualities of the pain and observing the sensations you are experiencing.  This can convert challenging feelings into a search that leads to ever higher levels of truth.

I think this is where we leave Blondie in the comic we are analyzing.  Without being able to discuss this episode with her or to observe further how the events continue to unfold, I’m going to just take a very tentative guess that she is indeed trying to figure out how to respond in a sensitive way toward Dagwood, and that she will not really insult herself.  In time, she probably would have displayed a response very close to a level 4 or 5.

Thanks for visiting today.  I hope to see you soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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comic strip conflict management conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum insults intrapersonal conflicts negative criticism types of criticism William James wisdom

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I presented a post that aims to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see Criticizing Yourself: Five Levels of Maturity). In that post there is a fun practice section to help people to get familiar with the different levels. Becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day. It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions. So today, I’ll once again describe the five levels of maturity, and then let’s practice some more with the help of some of our favorite friends.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM:  FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about our actions, beliefs, or appearance.  Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point.  Each successive level is more mature:

    1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Cries without stating what the crying is about.
  • Physically harms you,
  • Damages property.

    2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. 
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.     

    3.  You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.         

    4.  You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  

   5.  When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in.  As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

A PEANUTS EXAMPLE

Below, in the Peanuts comic, Lucy provides negative criticism to herself while Charlie Brown listens.  Take a shot, if you will, at rating how mature you think her criticism is on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most mature.  Think about why you gave her your rating, and then compare your answer to mine.

Self-criticism 3.pngMy answer:  I think Lucy’s actions best match the level 3 description— You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can, if you so choose, improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.  The main reason I have for this is that she is shouting at herself. Lucy’s actions indicate to me that she knows what her negative criticism is about; instead of becoming discouraged, she wants her life to move from one “up” to an “upper-up,” without any “downs.”  I believe her actions should be reduced by .5 because she doesn’t make it clear to herself what she should do about her expressed concern. I would have felt she at least tried to come up with a plan of action if she had said something to herself like the following:  “For the next few weeks, each time I feel discouraged, I’m going to write in a journal how I feel, what led up to how I feel, and then see if I can come up with something that leads to my feeling better.” In the end, I gave Lucy a 2.5 rating.

ANOTHER PEANUTS EXAMPLE

In this next one, Lucy again provides negative criticism to herself, and again we get the sense that she knows what the criticism is about, but she doesn’t come up with some plan to address her concern.  What rating do you think she deserves?  Also, see if you can come up with a statement that Lucy can make to herself that would indicate she has come up with a plan to address her concern.

Self-criticism 4.png

My answer:  This time Lucy doesn’t shout at herself.  She does shout at Linus about the negative criticism he provides, but our job here is not to rate that, but rather her negative criticism of her own actions.  That occurs in the last box where she says to herself, “How humiliating!”

I don’t view her comment as an insult, although in real life she would have to decide that for herself.  It seems to me that people, when they are dissatisfied with “a failure to accomplish a task,” can feel a sense of humiliation, not as an insult, but as a humbling experience that has the potential to motivate them to seek to make some improvement.  As far as I am concerned, a person can feel humiliated and still respond at level 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5.  If Lucy had insulted herself or shouted at herself, I would have felt that level three was the best match for what she does.  I’m giving Lucy, instead, a question mark because sometimes criticism is provided that is clear about what is not liked but useful information about improving is not provided.  If this is done in a supportive manner that does not use any insults, shouts, or threats, a question mark can be used instead of a rating.  This indicates that sometimes mature people will provide this type of feedback to gently encourage themselves to come up with a solution to the problem of how to improve. The criticizer is in essence merely asking the question, “Can I come up with a way to make some improvement in this area?”  Because asking such a question using a supportive tone of voice is not necessarily a sign of immaturity, no rating is immediately assigned, but as time goes on, some rating may become earned.

A FUNKY WINKERBEAN EXAMPLE

Let’s try rating Les in this Funky Winkerbean comic.  Below, we see that Les, the guy with the glasses, has been invited to his thirtieth high school reunion.  When he looks in the mirror he begins to evaluate how he now looks and recalls how he looked thirty years ago.  As he does so, apparently he is providing some negative criticism to himself.  Please rate how mature you think his response is.

Self-criticism 5.png.gif

My answer:  The thought of going to his thirtieth high school reunion has put Les in a deep funk.  He is saddened to see how he has aged.  He doesn’t seem to be insulting himself in any way or threatening to harm himself.  He’s also not hitting himself.  Hmmm.

Some who view themselves as “healthy-minded” say that by letting himself feel sad about something he can’t do anything about, Les is actually acting in an unhealthy manner.  These so called “healthy-minded” folks argue that Les would be far wiser to avert his attention from what is bothering him and live in the light of what is good in his life.

Admittedly, this method does seem to work for many people, and if it works for you, feel free to continue with it for as long as you like.  I promise that I won’t send the mental health police after you.

There are those of us, however, who have tried this “healthy-minded” approach and find that, when melancholy comes, the whole system quickly breaks down.  If that is your experience, perhaps the words of the brilliant psychologist, William James, might be more to your liking.  “[T]here is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Clearly, people confront events that create feelings of sadness, horror, and dread.  To James, the feelings that accompany such events can lead toward truth.  Many of the most creative people have come to believe that periods of melancholy are an essential part of their creative process.

sally forth intrapersonal

My readings of the research and my own personal experiences have led me to several tentative conclusions.  First of all, if you can learn to avoid insulting and threatening yourself during these periods of melancholy, that’s a good thing.  Some special types of insults can be especially harmful.  “I’ll never be happy again,” is one of these.  “I’ll always be a terrible person,” is another.  “All is hopeless,” may be the worst .

Practice saying at such times, “Melancholy is part of the creative process; it is a tool that most creative people have experienced, and this mood can spur me to come to a useful understanding of my life.”   “Creative” in this context means more than artistic creativity.  It encompasses all aspects of a person’s work, and interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

The melancholy that Les is experiencing will not be his whole response to his dissatisfaction with his current appearance.  He will perhaps come to realize that he has some time to still live and the years he has already lived have given him a unique perspective that can enrich the time he has left to fulfill the desires that only come about from our deepest searching.  For Les, I am going to put off any rating.  As far as I’m concerned, he has just begun to provide to himself negative criticism and some more time will be necessary to evaluate what his rating should be.

Okay, that’s our lesson for this week.  I would love to get some comments about the ideas I’ve presented.  Do you think that there are more mature ways to respond to criticism than the ideas that I’ve put forth?  Has there ever been a time when you criticize yourself in a manner that you would like to discuss?

My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.