Tag: maturity

CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 23, 2013
4 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Earlier, I wrote a post titled “Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity.” When I gave examples of people using the five levels, they typically involved someone providing criticism to someone else. And yet, if you think about it, you probably criticize yourself at least as much as you criticize others.

So, it is time that we begin to take a good hard look to see if the five levels of maturity apply equally well when we think about providing negative criticism to ourselves? To do so, please take another look at the five levels that have now been rewritten so they can be used to rate the way you criticize yourself.. As you do, imagine a recent time that you criticized yourself and see which of the levels best matches your style of criticizing yourself.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM TO YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature.

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

5. When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in. As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

APPLYING THE FIVE LEVELS TO SELF-CRITICISM

One of the last times I criticized myself, I was playing golf, and when I swung at the ball, I missed it.

I found myself crying out, “Man, that was stupid!” As I saw myself doing this, I quickly realized that such a response was not very helpful. I moved away from any more insults and just took a moment to experience the frustration within me. After about five seconds of this, I then realized that I was with other golfers, and they had just seen me calling myself stupid. I looked each of them in their eyes and smiled. Then, I reviewed in my mind what a perfect swing in that situation is suppose to look like. Finally, I stepped into position and took another swing.

How Did I Do?

Well, at least I didn’t break my club slamming it to the ground, as I had done a few times when I first began to learn the game. A couple of times when I did slam the clubs down, I broke the club and had to go buy a new one–thus, it was a costly mistake. If I had acted that way–that is, by breaking my club–I would have acted at level 2. It has been years since the last time I slammed a club down, a clear sign that I matured in this domain.

The way I acted the last time was a little more mature than a level two.

You might have noticed as I was describing my recent incident of self-criticism that my criticism and my response to the criticism seems to have merged together, and it is not easy to tell at what point “providing criticism” and “responding to criticism” is actually taking place. Therefore, it is a good idea, as we think about these issues to spend some time reviewing the lesson I presented earlier about responding to criticism (see HERE).

As I recall what happened the last time I was out on the golf course, I’m going to say that I initially responded at level 3, but then quickly recovered and then responded at level 5.

Another Example

Our next example of self-criticism is from the comic strip of Calvin and Hobbes by the brilliant Bill Watterson. Calvin’s stuffed tiger, Hobbes, is criticizing Calvin’s remark about his summer vacation coming to an end. We understand, of course, that what Hobbes says to Calvin is, in actuality, what Calvin is saying to himself. After Hobbes criticizes Calvin’s remark (“Oh come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were.”) Calvin responds. Please study his response, and then see if you can rate what level of maturity it is at.

My answer: Hobbes has criticized Calvin for exaggerating about how awful life will be now that summer vacation is over since he often complained of being bored. “I did?” he responds. It seems to me that Calvin is really asking this of himself. He then curls his pointer finger and puts it on his lip. This is a classic pose indicating deep thought. While he is doing this, he says to himself, “How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.” In the next scene, we see Calvin imagining the type of fun he had had over the summer. It depicts Calvin and Hobbes watching TV with the sound blasting, eating Sugar Bombs, with Calvin’s eyes in a delirious, hypnotized stare.

I’m leaning toward giving Calvin a level 4 rating because he is showing me that he is giving some real thought to the criticism, and I like his apparent sense of humor as he imagines in an almost burlesque type of way his wasting all of his time over the summer.

Now, I understand that some might look at this image of Calvin wasting his summer in front of a TV and think he is mocking his choice of summer activities, thus insulting himself. When people use humor while responding to criticism, it can be taken as an insult, or as a good-natured way to smooth over some rough parts of the processing that goes along with criticism. Only Calvin, in this scenario, would be able to say if he felt it as an insult, or as something comical.

Let’s Try Another One

Here’s a young teenager who provides self-criticism at a pretty obvious level 2.

Here, the young lady kinda tells herself what her criticism is about–She recalls missing an important basketball shot and she declares that she let her team down. But she doesn’t say how she can begin to improve the situation. Instead, she begins to insult herself.

What if she had handled the situation a little differently:

Notice I blackened out what level I think this self-criticism is at. That’s because I would like you to decide if this is a more mature level or not.

There’s Some Controversy About this Example

Some of my students argue that the example in which the girl insults herself should be given a higher rating then the second example. Here’s their reason. If you insult yourself, they claim, it will more likely prod you into doing something constructive than if you ignore it. Therefore it should be viewed as at least as high a level as the example in which the girl decides to take some time to calm down before deciding what next steps she might take.

Here are two quick explanations for why insulting yourself deserves a lower rating than the taking some time to calm down approach. First, just because someone takes some time out to calm down doesn’t mean they will forget what happened. It is possible that their efforts to take some time to calm down will lead to calming down sooner than throwing insults at themselves, and within that calmness a more reasoned approach may come about.

Second, theoretically those people who get into the habit of insulting themselves when they criticize themselves are at an increased risk of insulting someone else who criticizes them. This is oftentimes not a good thing because when people are insulted it increases the likelihood they will do something that is harmful to the insulter. It is, therefore, a good idea to practice not insulting yourself when you criticize yourself because that practice will make it easier to avoid criticizing others when they criticize you.

Well, there’s your lesson for today. It was designed to begin the process of thinking about the most mature way to criticize yourself. I will have a lot more to say about this in future posts.

For those of you who seek to become masters at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, here’s an important exercise to do over the next week. Put aside three five-minute periods to do the following:

Think about the last time you criticized yourself. Recall what led to the criticism and how you felt. Spend a full minute just observing the feelings that come up as you recall the incident. Then write down what you said to yourself as you provided the criticism. Finally, write down what you think would have been a maturer way to handle that situation.

Thanks for visiting this week, and I hope you come back soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, displeasure, emotional intelligence, insults, maturity, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 12, 2013
1 Comment on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism. Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others. I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training. They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions. This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned. I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one. Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look. Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism. Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship. But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you? I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach. Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic. After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism. I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say. I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four. It is described as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive. I can certainly understand why she has become defensive. Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice. One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind. Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit. Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann. In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.” I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a few moments.” Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is. Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit. She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame of the comic:

Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes. In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive. But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice. She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern. I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public. To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning. These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes. The outfits are called niqabs and burkas. I think they are demeaning to women. When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis. When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK. So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more. It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice. What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought. By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann. In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations. There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature. My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right! There’s your lesson for today. From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Tags criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, Luann comics, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism

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DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 20, 2013
4 Comments on DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, to get us to think more deeply about dealing with insults, let’s discuss for few minutes what Jackie Robinson went through when he became the first black major leaguer.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

A few years ago, the movie, “42” came out.

The film beautifully develops the relationship between Reese and Robinson. At first, most of Robinson’s teammates reject him. “I’m not playing with any niggers!” cries one teammate. “If we let him play, pretty soon the team owners will be bringing up more of them, and they’ll be all taking our jobs!”

“But,” says Pee Wee Reese, “we always knew that if the owners could find someone who could do our jobs better than us then we’d be sent down to the minors. We always accepted that as fair when it was white guys who might take our jobs. Why is it any different just because of the color of a guy’s skin?”

“It just is,” came the reply, but with a voice a little less self-assured.

In time, Robinson’s approach to dealing with insults on the field acquired for him more and more sympathy. Of course there were times when the insults began to get to Robinson, but he would seek to deal with his anguish either in private, with Branch Rickey, or with his lovely wife. On the field he was all about showing what he could do, and it was sometimes disappointing and sometimes magnificent. There are always heroes in baseball, and Robinson glistened in that role on more than a few occasions.

Perhaps the finest moments in the movie come about just after we meet a father and son sitting in the seats of a Brooklyn Dodger game. When Pee Wee Reese is announced as the captain of the Dodgers, the fans in the seats, including this father and son duo, begin to cheer. The boy, a bit of a pee wee himself, tells his father that Reese is his favorite, all-time greatest player ever!

Then Jackie Robinson’s name is called, and he jogs on to the field with some supportive cries, but many, many insulting cries as well.

We then see a close-up of the father and son. The father cries out, “Get off the field you lousy nigger.” Others in the crowd cry out similar sentiments. And before long, the father’s son begins to shout, “Get off the field you lousy nigger!”

But it is at this moment, Reese, who was fielding ground balls at shortstop, pauses, then trots over to Robinson at first base. “How’s it going?” Reese says to Robinson, with a friendly smile.

We see the young boy in the stands, watching on, looking confused, as Reese continues to shoot the breeze in a friendly exchange with Robinson. When a wave of insults for Robinson comes from a portion of the stands, Reese puts his arm around Robinson, and continues to chat with him, smiling, patting him on the shoulder.

Then the umpire calls out to Reese, “This isn’t a social club, let’s play ball.” Reese again pats Robinson on his back, and then trots back to his position at shortstop.

Once again, we see the young boy, and he has now stopped calling Robinson insulting names.

And we see that soon afterwards most of his teammates begin to change their minds and to treat Robinson like a fellow human being.

In my recent blog posts, I’ve been discussing the ABCs of Power (see for example, (The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”). In the movie, “42”, we don’t see how Robinson worked to employ the very first source of power on The ABCs of Power list–Advancing skill. But there is no doubt that Robinson worked for years on becoming the star athlete that he became.

His skill at projecting the highest levels of maturity when criticized enormously increased the respect that he garnered during his day to day performance. History teaches us that it was Robinson’s use of these skills that secured for him the source of power known as Coalition, as he united with Branch Rickey, Pee Wee Reese, and ultimately, with his many fans, that turned a dream into a magnificent achievement.

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 1, 2013
7 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

On this blog I often discuss mature ways to handle situations in which we feel that we are being insulted (see for example, RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY).

Many people after reading several of these posts find that situations that previously gave them difficulty can now be handled with great confidence. As a result, they find that people have begun to treat them with an increased level of respect.

Although this is a major step in the right direction, some find that although they can apply the skills discussed in this blog with people whom they perceive as having either equal or less power over them, when they face people whom they perceive as having more power, they suddenly lose their nerve.

They end up remaining silent on the outside and quivering on the inside. Or they get defensive and find themselves overreacting to some innocent comment. What can be done to help people to deal better with these types of situations?

When people learn the ABCs of power, they come to realize that they have far more power than they ever thought they had. And once they come to realize this, they enter into many more types of situations in which they previously felt powerless with a level of confidence that commands respect.

It is for this reason that we have begun to construct a list of sources of power. The list is arranged in alphabetical order. So far we have introduced the source of power that begins with the letter “A” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “A”) and the source of power that begins with the letter “B” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “B”). Today, we turn our attention to the letter “C.”

C is for Coalition

A coalition occurs when two or more people form an alliance to better achieve a goal.

In this Peanuts comic, the simplest example of forming a coalition is illustrated. Sally believes she can better achieve her goal of doing well in school if she can get Charlie Brown to help her. She requests Charlie’s assistance in her own sweet style and within a matter of moments he has agreed.

It is oftentimes amazing that just by asking people for help on a project how often some people will agree.

If you are having difficulty coming up with a way to achieve one of your desires, consider asking yourself, “Is there a way I can form a coalition with one or more people so that I can achieve the desire?”

Some Examples of Utilizing the “Coalition” Source of Power

As an example, let’s say Charlie Brown sometimes feels lonely and some people begin to tease him about having no friends.

At first, he feels he is helpless to do anything about this. He becomes alienated at life, and when he has insults thrown at him about this, he begins to imagine getting revenge. But then he begins to learn how coalitions can increase his power.

Because Charlie Brown likes to play baseball, he decides to invite people he knows to play on his team. Before long, he gets the neighborhood kids together to participate on a team he manages. As a result, Charlie Brown becomes less lonely and he gets to play more baseball.

When you form a coalition, you may still get criticized. If you learn the skills taught on this blog to handle criticism, your coalition may lead to more positives than negatives.

At least with a coalition you get to decide if the criticism that you have to deal with is worth being part of the group or not. Having some choice can often be better then having none at all.

In our example, although Charlie Brown’s managerial skills are often criticized, there is no one who seems to want to replace him as the manager. The kids have been showing up and participating in a shared activity, and he is thus less lonely than he would be if he were sitting home all alone. In the end, Charlie Brown feels his use of the source of power known as “coalitions” was a great benefit to him.

Consider another example:

In my novel, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, Steve Marino is one of the main characters. As he is growing up, Steve observes how his father uses his fists to try to bully people into doing what he wants. Eventually, Steve’s dad ends up in prison.

At one point, a friend asks Steve whom he respects most in this world:

“My Uncle Ricky.”

“How come?”

“I guess it’s because instead of trying to beat you up to get you to do something, he has a way of doing fun things with you and forming bonds like that. He used to take me to Yankee games and hit fly balls to me, and man, whenever he asked me to do something, I’d do it in an instant—not because I was afraid of him, but because I loved him.

“My Uncle Ricky has a group of friends who call themselves the Brooklyn Barons. He goes bowling with them and they play softball also. Doing these things together somehow made a bond between these guys, and if any one of them needs help all they need to do is ask and the rest of the guys are there in a split second. These guys aren’t congressmen or people well connected, just regular Joes. But, when Uncle Ricky let out word I needed a job on the docks after school, they went and figured out how to arrange it. And whenever Uncle Ricky needs help loading some wood on his truck, he has all the help he can use. They do it because they want to. I like that. My Uncle Ricky, he’s just a good guy.”

There are several ways to go about forming a coalition. One of the easiest ways is to join a group that already exists. We discussed earlier how advancing skills can increase your power. Many groups currently exist for people who have an interest in one particular set of skills. If a particular sport is the skill you have been developing, you can call the local “Y” and ask if there are teams forming for the sport you are interested in.

Coed volleyball teams are a great way to meet people. Oftentimes, after a game someone begins to ask if any of the players want to get some pizza or have a drink. In this way people begin to bond with one another.

The local “Art Council” oftentimes has information about groups that have been formed around a particular art. I know people who, over the years, have treasured their quilting club or pottery classes.

Joining a volunteer group is a particularly wise way to increase your power. Members of the community tend to increase their respect for people who help out in this way. Moreover, people who join such groups are oftentimes, by nature, individuals who like to help others.

When you join a group, it’s probably not a great idea to immediately begin to ask for members to help you out. Take a few weeks to be helpful to others and to give the natural process of forming bonds time to develop. After a month or two, when you do need some assistance, make your request in a manner consistent with encouraging caring. For example, you might say something like, “I’m having a problem with my landlord. I’m hoping that some of you might be willing for me to describe it and then let me know if you have any ideas about what I can do about it. I know all of you are really busy and if you don’t have the time for this, I’ll understand.” Then you would wait to see if you get one or more volunteers. For those who don’t volunteer, it is crucial to remain supportive.

On the internet, there are a host of groups that have been formed with the purpose of achieving a common goal. Meetup.com and websites like it include national groups and tons of local ones as well. You type in your area code and a list of the meet-up groups in your area come up. You can also search by activity.

Sometimes the groups in your area do not deal with the exact thing you are interested in. You can still meet with one that comes closest, take some time to get to know the people, and then propose setting up another group that addresses more directly your specific interest.

Belonging to a group fulfills a basic need of people for social interaction. If you learn to utilize this basic need, you will find that in addition to increasing your own personal power, great rewards come from helping others to increase their personal power.

Remember that power is the skill to achieve your desires. When you learn to use the source of power known as “coalitions,” you will find that you will become far better at achieving many of your desires. When you come to recognize this, you will find that your confidence has increased. Then, if someone attempts to insult you, you will feel less threatened. This will allow you to keep your cool and to respond in a wise manner.

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Tags ABCs of Power, anger, bullying, coalitions, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, insults, maturity, maturity levels, respect, wisdom

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UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 17, 2013
13 Comments on UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I’ve been reading your blog again, Dr Rubin. It’s filled with a bunch of hogwash.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like there are some ideas in it that you don’t care for.”

“I read last night two of your blog posts–Is Criticism Bad and Criticism and Wisdom. What a bunch of nonsense!”

“I’m very interested in your point of view, Judy. Please tell me more specifically about what you disagree with in those posts.”

“Well, you talk about this John Stuart Mill. According to him, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, we should thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice. That’s ridiculous! If you don’t have something nice to say to somebody you should keep your stupid mouth shut! And, as far as I’m concerned, unless I give someone permission to criticize me, that person has no right to inflict it upon me!”

Judy (not her real name) raises some important issues about unsolicited criticism. And many people have quite a bit of sympathy for her position.

SYMPATHY FOR JUDY’S POSITION

Consider the following comic:

The above Baby Blues comic comically plays around with this idea that you should not offer an opinion to people unless they invite you to give it. In the comic, not only are unsolicited opinions being provided by the girl, but she is actually charging people for the opinion—a double slap in the face.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed?

They hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Thomas Jefferson felt that even hurtful criticism should not be against the law, especially when directed against government officials. He felt this way even though he personally experienced criticism as deeply painful. Thus, he wrote to James Monroe that the criticism he received while war governor of Virgina “had inflicted a wound on my spirit which will only be cured by the all-healing grave.”

Despite how very painful criticism was, at times, for Jefferson, he supported the right to provide criticism–even unsolicited criticism–to the end of his life. To Jefferson, freedom to criticize was protection from tyranny.

CRITICISM AND OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

Judy spoke about her “right” to NOT be given any criticism unless she gives her permission. Does this mean she thinks it is against the law for someone to criticize unless the criticism is invited? Although I am no legal scholar, it is my understanding that the issue of a person’s “rights,” as understood in this country, points the other way. Rather than the right to silence speech, don’t we have a right to speak up whenever we disagree with someone?

It seems to me that insisting that no one has the right to provide another person criticism unless invited to do so just won’t work. The Soviet Union tried to squelch criticism and despite being backed up by an enormous military, failed miserably. Criticism soon oozed out of every joint that government tried to seal.

CRITICISM IS COMING OUR WAY WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

My mother, whom I loved dearly, passed away a few years back. She was a strong verbal supporter of the proverb–If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, from time to time, she would frown at something someone would do, and, far more rarely, she would blow-up in an outrage.

I doubt that anyone can live in a manner completely consistent with one of my mother’s favorite proverbs. And any government insisting on this principle would be as successful as the United States was when it went through its period of alcohol prohibition.

The plain fact is that all of us will be provided with negative criticism from time to time. Even if we choose to be a hermit, we’ll probably spend some of our alone time criticizing ourselves.

SINCE IT IS COMING OUR WAY, WE WOULD BE WISE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT

Criticism is just part of our shared human existence. And sometimes something is bugging us about what someone is doing and it can unnecessarily lead to the end of a valued relationship if we don’t discuss it with that person. Rather then seeking to squelch the criticism, we are better off learning to provide it in a wise and thoughtful manner (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY), and to respond to it in a wise and thoughtful manner as well (see post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

Now, don’t misunderstand me. There are times when someone is providing me one criticism after another and it is becoming too much for me to process all at once. There are other times when someone is providing me with criticism that is in a style using a tone of voice that is hard for me to bear. Sometimes I have been bombarded by some other type of stress, and then I come in contact with someone, and I may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for the rest of the day. Under these sets of circumstances, I believe it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person I’m with know that I’m usually very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, I need a little break (see blog post SUMMARIZE AND DELAY). Then I can, over a period of time, regain my sense of balance and figure out how best to move forward. And I also think that it is OK to encourage others to provide you criticism in a manner that is easier for you to handle.

My preference is to let anyone that I know clearly understand that I am open to receive criticism most of the time, and I accept that it might feel, at times, hurtful. I feel that to do otherwise may, perhaps, result in people keeping silent to my face but end up talking behind my back. I would be left unable to address the concerns expressed in the criticism. Moreover, I have learned that for me the challenging feelings that come up when I am criticized and are sometimes experienced as hurtful are really part of a helpful emotional process that leads me into deeper thought about the issues that come up upon receiving the criticism. Finally, I think openness to criticism and seeking to address criticism is the path to wisdom.

I also think that people have a higher degree of respect for those who are open to criticism and can respond to it in a self-assured, mature manner. People tend to admire a person who recognizes that even hurtful criticism, when wisely considered, has the potential to be of value; that facing criticism head-on is our only opener of our eyes to the fulness of truth.

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INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 9, 2013
2 Comments on INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Back in April of last year, in a post titled, WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?, we began to discuss the fact that when we provide negative criticism to others, they may feel insulted, they may feel that you feel they are not worthy of being liked, and they may feel that you are trying to push them to make some change that should be only for them to freely decide. They, therefore, may become defensive and their anger may become destructive.

Of course, it is not enough to just know that the desire to be liked and the desire to maintain freedom can lead to problems when we provide negative criticism–we also want to know what we can do to either prevent these problems or to resolve them when they come up. To develop these skills, I first presented a post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY. In later posts we began to look at a variety of very specific situations in which negative criticism is provided in a wise and helpful manner (see for example, DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE and DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON).

In order to learn these skills at a level at which it becomes second nature even in emotionally arousing situations, from time to time I will be returning to this topic. By providing a wide range of examples over an extended period of time, readers will become better and better at applying these skills. To this end, today, we will look at some new situations in which the use of these skills are considered.

PRACTICE USING THE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED

There are many people who don’t like to receive negative criticism. Some people, therefore, insist that if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, there are occasions when the risk of starting a conflict because of providing negative criticism does makes sense.

Let’s say I like Marie, and it is pretty clear she likes me. But there is one thing Marie does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting, name calling, and glares.

In this example, Marie hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I nevertheless decide that it’s worth a shot to confront her about the way she criticizes me because both of us may benefit from solving this problem. What might be a skillful way to go about providing her this negative criticism? Let me give you one approach to consider.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up a “liking” conflict, I might present my comments by first trying to find a time when we are alone and she appears to be pretty open and relaxed. Criticizing someone who is already distressed with feelings of being unloved is unwise because they are very likely to resist hearing you out.

When I do find the right time, I might say, “Marie, I sure like you a lot. You’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her. Then I gave her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

After I provide the criticism, it is crucial that I give Marie a chance to respond without interrupting her. I would wait until she is completely finished, and then summarize what she has said without a tone of defensiveness. After my summary, before making any additional points, I would see if she is satisfied with my summary. It seems to me it is essential that I do my best to show Marie I have fully listened to what she has to say on this topic.

Practice Using the Knowledge About the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Another approach to consider when we suspect someone might experience defensiveness when criticized is to empower the person who is the target of the criticism. Here’s an example:

“Hi Fred. Last time we got together we had quite an argument.”

“Yeah, you made some stupid suggestion.”

“I know you disagreed with it, Fred. I’ve been thinking a lot about these arguments. I think I get so into them that I start pushing you too hard to change your mind. It comes across as pushy and like I am getting in the way of your freedom to make your own decisions.”

“Yeah, it does come off as real pushy. You don’t know when to back off!”

“I understand. Well, I really value our friendship so I want to change that. I’d like to set up a couple of rules that I’m willing to agree to follow from now on. First, if I bring up a topic you don’t want to talk about, I’d like you to tell me you don’t want to talk about it. I promise I’ll silence myself immediately. Second, if we start getting into a discussion, at any point you have had enough, just say, “Enough!” and that will signal to me to drop the topic. Do you think that might help us to get along a little better?”

“Well, if you really do drop the topic when I tell you, it could help.”

“I’m determined to stick to my promise. If I can’t, it will be my fault. I’m sorry for being so pushy in the past.”

Notice how this plan puts at least some of the responsibility for the unwanted arguments between Fred and myself squarely on my shoulders. It also gives some power to Fred. It makes it clear to Fred that he now has a way to get me to back off when he no longer wants to engage. Also, I agree to follow these rules and admit that if I don’t follow them the fault rests with me.

Of course, if Fred were to signal to me that he wanted to drop a topic by using angry shouting, I might seek to change our plan a bit. I could explain to Fred that I have a hard time dealing with someone shouting at me. Then I can ask him to signal me to drop a topic by using some silent signal like a palm down wave of his hand. We call this “a silent back-off signal.”

The skill to empower those who have a tendency to become defensive when criticized is a powerful tool. It avoids unnecessary conflicts about freedom.

It Can be Challenging to Learn these Types of Skills to Deal with Criticism

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining.

In the above Sally Forth comic, Sally seems to desire to be helpful and yet she does something she knows will not be helpful. This one incident doesn’t mean she will never be able to make the change that makes sense to her. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to criticizing ourselves. In the following Luann comic, notice that Toni calls her mouth stupid while she criticizes herself.

Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are unchangeably bad. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

SUMMARY

Today we practiced using the knowledge about two major reasons why providing negative criticism can be difficult. The two major reasons are:

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we begin to recognize these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. If we like the person whom we are about to criticize, providing reassurance about our esteem, using some specific examples of what we like about the person, is a valuable skill to learn. For people who tend to get defensive when criticized, suggesting the use of a “silent back-off signal” can empower them to deal more effectively with criticism. To learn these skills so they can be used even during trying times takes time. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake along the way is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, second nature, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 2, 2013
2 Comments on ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

When we describe a conflict it is useful to avoid insults and relate it to something that will occur in the future. Old Abe Lincoln was a master at this. Before illustrating this with Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, let’s take a few moments to review this idea with one of our favorite comics.

Bumstead Gets Into Trouble

Please consider the following comic.

Now, let’s pretend we know what happens after Dagwood arrives at his office. Immediately, his boss, Mr. Dithers throws an insult at him, yelling that he is a Bobblehead!

Dagwood responds by becoming defensive and starts screaming and throwing insults at his boss which leads to getting fired.

His boss is now stuck trying to replace Dagwood, and Dagwood has to look for a new job. Upon reflection, both parties come to realize that this was not the best outcome to the conflict.

Consider, if you will, another scenario. Dagwood, upon arriving at work and hearing his boss’s insult, recognizes his boss is probably insulting him because he has a conflict with him about coming to work late. Dagwood, instead of insulting his boss, looks concerned and summarizes the conflict by saying, “You’re angry with me because you desired that your employers come to work on time, and I interfered with your desire by coming to work late. You feel I’m guilty because I’m over an hour late.”

This wording is a pretty good step toward describing the conflict. However, it can be improved. Notice that it describes the desire and the act that interfered with Mr. Dithers’ desire as all happening in the past. A more helpful thing to do is to try to describe the conflict, without insults, as something important to the future. It is helpful to spend at least some time, when describing a conflict, to focus on the future because the past can’t be changed, and conflicts, when wisely considered, are designed to lead us to improving our futures. Your job, when you are an expert in conflict resolution, will be to translate the common but immature way to express a conflict into a language that reveals the true nature of conflicts.

Let’s apply this lesson to Dithers’ conflict with Bumstead.

When Bumstead arrives at the office in our example, Dithers starts to yell at Bumstead, “You Bobblehead, you’re an hour late!” This sure seems like the conflict is about something that occurred in the past. But, if you will, consider this scenario:

Bumstead upon arriving at work and hearing his boss yell an insult at him, says “Boss, I’m sorry that I’m late. The elevator broke down. Now that I am late, is there something that you desire that I get done that you are afraid I won’t get done because I arrived late?”

Suddenly Mr. Dithers realizes that the real reason he is upset is that the Smith report has to get done before the end of the day.

Bumstead then summarizes the conflict in a concerned manner, “Boss, you want me to complete the Smith report that I promised would go out by the end of the day, and now that I arrived late, you are worried that all of my other duties I have to accomplish during the remaining workday will interfere with your desire. You feel I’m guilty of being an irresponsible employee. Is that correct?”

“Yes!” cries Mr. Dithers.

This restating of the original conflict points us in an easier direction for resolving the conflict. Arguing all day about coming to work late today will only waste time and can end up getting Bumstead fired. Thinking about how to get that report out as soon as possible can be far more productive.

Bumstead, now focused on what the major concern of his boss is, perhaps might reply, “Boss, I know how important it is to you to get that report out, so when the elevator got stuck, I wrote the report sitting on the elevator floor.” Or perhaps Bumstead might reply, “Since it is so important to you to get that report out, I’ll work over my lunch break and get it done.” Or Bumstead might reply, “I’ll work late today until the report is done, and then I’ll bring the report to the overnight mail service. They have a pick-up as late as 7:30 pm.”

Any of these replies, all designed to address Dithers’ concern about a problem relevant to the future (getting the Smith report done by the end of the day) will be more helpful in calming Dithers’ concern then either Bumstead getting defensive or both Bumstead and Dithers arguing about some things that have all occurred in the past.

It is for this, and many other reasons that we will be discussing in future posts, that it is helpful to try our best to describe a conflict as something relevant to the future.

Insult Avoiding, Forward Looking Abraham Lincoln

Arguably the best example in all of history of a statesman describing a conflict in a manner that avoids insults while focussing attention on a relevant future occurred when Lincoln gave his Gettysburg Address.

Over forty thousand men died during the three-day battle at Gettysburg, and bitterness was in the hearts of those who came to hear Lincoln’s words. If asked for the reason to continue the war, many might have pointed to the violent events in the recent past and thrown vicious insults at the rebels. But Lincoln provides not single insult. Instead, he begins his speech reminding all in attendance what the war is about.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.

We see here Lincoln focussing the listeners’ attention on the worthy cause of this nation enduring into the future.

After Lincoln’s first two sentences, notice how his next three sentences show respect for what had taken place but then hastens once gain to connect this with something relevant to the future:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

In those three sentences, Lincoln again directs the attention of his listeners to what those who lost their lives were fighting for, “that that nation might live.”

Although spending time to honor the brave men of the battle is altogether fitting and proper, as Lincoln continues, the future aspects of the conflict is further developed. Thus:

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground…. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

We see here, not a single insult directed at those on the other side of this conflict. Instead, Lincoln brilliantly moves his audience, all of whom are engaged in the conflict of their lives, from the vivid past to a relevant future. We all must learn to do this if we are to become experts in dealing with conflict.

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Tags Abraham Lincoln, anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, Gettysburg Address, insults, maturity, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 19, 2013
3 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

In a recent post (Dealing with Criticism by Digging Deeper) I discussed some difficult situations that may occur when we deal with criticism. There, I mentioned that in these types of situations, it can be helpful to do our best to describe what the criticizer’s most obvious desire is for providing the criticism and then to look to see if there are any other desires that might be involved. To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important desires in a difficult situation, I provided readers with two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will.

a. look for the desire to be liked or loved.

b. look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision.

Today, we begin to get some practice utilizing these two shovels.

PRACTICE

Consider the following Dennis the Menace comic:

In this comic, obviously, Dennis’s mother desires that he straighten up his room. What other desires are important to consider? It appears to me that Dennis’s mother is glaring at him. Hmmm?

When a boy hears his mom criticizing him in this way, there’s a chance his desire to be liked will feel threatened. Is there also a chance that there is another important desire in this challenging situation?

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want, and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.

EASING THE LIKING PROBLEM

When the desire to be liked and loved raises its mischievous head, we can let the person who has been criticized know that he is liked. This is what Dennis’s friend, Gina, does to lower the intensity of Dennis’s anger in the comic.

When Gina tells Dennis that his mom will cry if he leaves, Dennis is reminded that his mom really does love him.

Then Gina explains to Dennis that not only will his mom miss him, so too will his dad and dog. Dennis ends up deciding to resolve his conflict and go back home. Gina helped to resolve the conflict by focusing on easing the “liking” problem in this conflict.

Now let’s consider what we can do to help to resolve the problems in this situation by focusing on easing the “freedom” problem.

EASING THE FREEDOM PROBLEM

In the Dennis the Menace comic, while criticizing him, his mom could have offered Dennis the freedom to choose between two times to pick up his room. More specifically, she could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By giving a child a choice, a parent can come off as less bossy.

To help to come up with these types of ideas, the one thing I tend to do before providing criticism is to pause. Recognizing that I am about to provide criticism, and knowing that people tend to get defensive about not being liked and having their freedom threatened, I think about how to ease any perceived threat to these two desires.

SUMMARY

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we learn to be skillful at recognizing these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. Therefore, in future posts I will be frequently providing examples that allows the reader to practice this skill.

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 12, 2013
2 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

“I’ve been reading your blog posts, Dr. Rubin,” Judy says sounding annoyed. “You are making everything sound way too complicated.”

“I’m pleased that you’ve been checking it out,” I reply. “I’d love to hear more about your reactions.”

“Well, yesterday I went over to pick up my friend, Sue, to go to a party. She was wearing an outfit that was almost identical to mine. So I told Sue I didn’t like what she was going to wear. If we went to the party in the same outfits we’d look like the Bobbsey twins. We’d look ridiculous. Sue quickly saw that I was right and changed her clothes. Then we decided that in the future, whenever we plan to go to a party together, we’ll check with each other before we pick out what we’ll wear. So, you see, without going through all of your stupid ‘DIG,’ desire, interference, guilt, nonsense, I provided negative criticism to Sue, and we worked it out just fine.”

“I like the way you dealt with it, Judy, especially how you made plans to prevent the same problem from recurring. Checking with each other before choosing your outfits makes a good deal of sense. Well done!”

A glorious smile graces Judy’s face.

“Judy, I also agree with you to a large extent about using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism. In many situations, perhaps even most situations, there is no good reason to go through the steps I’ve been describing in my blog posts. As long as the issues are simple enough to understand easily and if whatever approach you are in the habit of using leads you to a comfortable resolution, then, by all means, you don’t have to bother using the DIG Conflict Model.”

“There are times that I do get defensive or confused,” Judy allows. “I know there are times I get defensive, and I’ve said some things even recently that I now regret.”

“I want to hear about those regrets, Judy. At the same time, it takes a special kind of learning to handle defensive feelings. I think it would be helpful if we first rehearsed a plan that can increase the respect you will feel for yourself. It has to be well rehearsed because when people get defensive, they oftentimes have trouble thinking as clearly as when they calm down and have some time to think things over. It’s also helpful to learn to get comfortable with this new way of thinking by discussing someone else’s conflicts, rather than discussing events that directly happened to you. This will allow you to look at this new approach more objectively. Once you get the ideas down so that you can smoothly work with them, then it will be far easier to apply them to events that are occurring in your own life. So, if it’s okay with you, Judy, let’s return to my Charlie Brown comic that I used in my last blog post.”

“Well, I do want to get you back on my recent regret, but I love the Peanuts characters, especially Lucy. Go ahead, Dr. Rubin, let’s hear one of your lessons.”

FIRST, LET’S REVIEW THE OLD LESSONS

“Okay! First, please read again the Peanuts comic we looked at in our last lesson:

Judy, after reading it, smiles, and says, “Okay, now what?”

“Let’s review some key points, Judy. From the ideas we have been discussing over the last few months, what do you think Charlie Brown can do in this type of situation that will be helpful?”

“He can tell himself that it is good that he has begun to criticize himself in this situation. Criticism, if handled skillfully, is the path toward wisdom.” (see blog post titled, Is Criticism Bad?)

“Excellent! What else might be helpful for him to do?”

“Think about how he is likely to criticize himself, and rate that style using the skills in my post Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity. If Charlie Brown already started to criticize himself before he did this, it would help him to look at the style he has begun to use, and then rate that. After rating the style, it would help him to see if he could come up with a more mature style that would match either a 4 or 5 level. To help him do this, he might work a little on summarizing his problem using the word, “DIG.” That will help him to dig for his desire, what is interfering with his desire, and what he feels guilty about.” (see Dig For The Conflict)

“Very impressive, Judy. You’re a fine student. If Charlie Brown asked you to summarize his conflict, what would you say?”

“Charlie Brown, you seem to desire that you not yell at your baby sister, but the fact that you did has led you to perceive that, interfering with your desire, you are likely to continue yelling at her. You appear to feel guilty for your actions by saying you hate yourself.”

NOW, THE NEW MATERIAL

“Well, Judy, I can see that you’re now ready to move on to some new material. After you get skilled at summarizing the most obvious conflict in a difficult situation, it’s then helpful to use the word “DIG” to remind you to dig a little deeper to find other desires that may be important to consider. What other desire do you think Charlie Brown might have that is important to consider in this situation?”

After some thought, Judy replies, “He desires to play with his puzzle, but his sister interfered by messing it up.”

“Yes, Judy, very good. Do you think Charlie Brown thinks his sister is guilty of doing something wrong for messing up the puzzle?”

“Probably not. He seems to recognize that she is only a baby, so he’s not blaming her for what she did.”

“I think you are right, Judy. Now, when we are using the DIG Conflict Model, to have a full conflict we must have all three conditions of a conflict, the desire, the interference, and the guilt. In the problem you just described, we only have the desire and the interference, but no guilt. Even though this is not a full conflict, it may still be very important to consider in this situation. We will be calling this type of problem a DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEM. And so, when we think about all of the possible problems that might be involved in a difficult situation, we write down a summary of all of the possible conflicts and all of the possible DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEMS.

“To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important problems in a difficult situation, today I am giving you two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will. The first shovel is look for the desire to be liked or loved. The other tool is look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision. I discussed both of these tools (looking for the desire to be loved and looking for the desire to avoid interference with freedom) more thoroughly in my blog post titled, Why is Criticism So Hard To Bear?

“Oh, now I remember that one,” says Judy, as if a light suddenly went on in her head. “You talked about how people, when criticized, might feel that people won’t like them, and why it’s important to consider this when we try to come up with a long term solution to problems.”

“Yes. I also mentioned that when we are criticized we often think that the criticizer wants us to make some change. This criticism might be provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will. We may, therefore, become defensive as we begin to desire to make our own life decisions without outside pressure. When we dig deeply into a difficult situation we would be wise if we look at how the “desire to be liked and loved” is involved in the situation and how the desire to “remain free to make our own decisions” is involved in the situation. It helps to write down a summary sentence or two for each of the conflicts that you can see in the difficult situation, each of the desire-interference problems, and then dig deeper using the two shovels, that is, the liking/loving shovel and the protecting freedom shovel. In this way, you will get a list of the problems that all have to be addressed if you wish to create wise and lasting ways to deal with difficult situations.

“Sometimes, when we look at a difficult situation, it all seems to be so complicated, that we just get lost on how to move forward in a helpful way. By using the approach I just described, the big difficult situation is broken down into easier-to-understand problems. Oftentimes, working on making some improvements to deal with each of these easier-to-understand problems, one by one, the larger difficult situation begins to improve.

“In coming weeks, I’ll present examples of how this approach can be very helpful. As we go through them, you’ll become so familiar with this approach that you will find that you can use it even in the most trying situations.”

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, maturity, maturity levels, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, stress, types of criticism, wisdom

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CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 8, 2012
8 Comments on CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN

Lately, we have been focusing largely on conflicts that deal with one person having a conflict with another person. We call these interpersonal conflicts.

Today we begin to turn our attention to intrapersonal conflicts. This type of conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

We can see both of these types of conflicts occurring in the following Peanuts comic. If you will, see if you can identify them.

USING THE LETTERS IN THE WORD “DIG” TO DESCRIBE A CONFLICT

The intrapersonal conflict is within Charlie Brown. We can describe his conflict using the DIG Conflict Model that we have been discussing in earlier posts.

The letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us that when we want to describe a conflict in some situation, it is helpful to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and, finally, the GUILT. Using this approach, we can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict as follows:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

In addition to the intrapersonal conflict in the above comic, there appears to be also a fairly clear example of an interpersonal conflict in the above comic. It involves Lucy and Linus.

Lucy seems to have a desire that Linus leave her things alone but the fact that he was reading her comic book suggests to her that, interfering with her desire, he will continue to use her things. The fact that Lucy is yelling at Linus and threatening to chase him out of the country suggests that she sees him as guilty of doing something wrong.

As a first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with interpersonal conflicts, on this blog we have spent some time learning to describe them in a familiar manner, using the word “DIG” as a reminder to look for the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt. As we can see in the above example, we can use the word “DIG” in a similar way for intrapersonal conflicts.

In this next comic, again Charlie Brown has an intrapersonal conflict. See if you can describe it in terms of his desire, something interfering with his desire, and his guilt of doing something wrong.

There are several good ways to describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict. Here’s one–Charlie Brown seems to desire to go home and do his school work, but interfering with this, he is going to the movies. He appears to be feeling guilty about going to the movies.

Let’s try one more. Again, see if you can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict with the help of the letters in the word “DIG.”

This is a tricky one because it is not clear if Charlie Brown feels guilty. One reasonable description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal situation follows.

Charlie Brown seems to have a desire to become a big-league player, but interfering with his desire is his observation of how he has been playing. It is clear he feels terrible about how he has been playing but, as I said, it’s not clear if he feels guilty about how he has been playing. In this situation, using the DIG Conflict model we say Charlie Brown has a desire interference problem.

Thanks for playing along. By now, you have had some practice using the first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with intrapersonal conflicts and desire interference problems, that is, to describe certain situations using the letters in the word “DIG” as an aid to remind you to dig for the desire, the interfering act and the perceived guilt.

A CONFLICT, TO EXIST, MUST REFER TO AN EVENT THAT WILL OCCUR IN THE FUTURE

When we use the DIG Conflict Model to describe a conflict, it is advantageous to phrase the conflicts as something relevant to the future. Consider the first intrapersonal conflict we discussed today:

Let’s take another look at how I described it:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future. My guess is that he feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

Now one simpler way to say this might be:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future.

Try not to misunderstand me here. People oftentimes think about and discuss conflicts that occurred in the past.

According to the DIG Conflict model, a conflict, if it currently exists, must have, in part, the following two conditions:

A person has a desire that an act will occur.
A person must perceive that someone is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.

Framing a conflict as connected in some way to the future is forward looking. It helps us to focus in on what we can do to make a change that can alter the future for the better.

If we could ask Charlie Brown some questions about what led him to feel so blue, we would discover that he does probably perceive that what happened is connected to something relevant to his future. For example, imagine how Charlie would respond if I asked him, “Why are you sad that you made your sister cry? That happened already and there is nothing you can do about it now.”

He might answer, “Maybe feeling sad will prod me into figuring out what to do in the future so it won’t happen again.” Or, he might say, “I don’t know, I just am.” If he answers in the first way, he will be thinking more like a person with a mature idea of what it means to have a conflict. It is this level of maturity that I am trying to encourage. It will take some time for many of you to come to fully understand the value of this, but if you stick with this blog, you are likely to find it can become a very comfortable way to think about this stuff and very helpful.

Consider the case in which Charlie Brown, instead of insulting himself or attempting to ignore and forget the whole episode, says, “I understand why I feel uncomfortable with what I did—it was wrong. I like myself for feeling uncomfortable when I treat my sister wrong. This feeling is a tool that prods me to come up with a better way to treat my sister in the future.”

After some more thought and perhaps discussing the problem with some people he respects, let’s say that he reaches a point at which he says to himself,

“Next time my baby sister messes up a puzzle I’m working on, I’ll walk away, take some deep breaths, and remind myself that she is just a baby. And maybe I can do some things to prevent this situation from ever coming about. Hmm, let me see here. Oh, I know what I can do. Whenever I work on a puzzle, instead of doing it on the floor, I could do it high up in a place that my sister can’t reach.”

This would be a better point to arrive at. As Charlie Brown reaches for this level of understanding, he will be more hopeful that he will be able to work out his conflict, and therefore be less depressed. If you continue to follow this blog, you will learn to master the set of skills necessary for resolving conflicts in this mature way.

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, interpersonal conflicts, intrapersonal conflicts, maturity, name calling, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom