Category: interpersonal conflicts

DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 23, 2013
3 Comments on DIRECT AND IMPLIED NEGATIVE CRITICISM

One major situation in which people end up feeling insulted is when someone provides negative criticism.

Rather than to feel insulted, it is possible to learn to welcome criticism in a warm, friendly and helpful manner.

An important step toward mastering this skill is to learn to clearly recognize when criticism is occurring. If you can’t identify when a red light is flashing, you won’t be able to know when to apply the brakes on the car, and you are likely to end up in a serious accident.

Similarly, if you can’t identify when criticism is occurring, you won’t be able to know when to begin to put in place the plans that effectively deal with criticism.

Although some forms of criticism are as easy to recognize as a red light, some forms of criticism are far more subtle and therefore often go unrecognized as criticism. Today’s lesson will help all of us learn to recognize very quickly when some of the more subtle forms of criticism occur.

WHAT IS CRITICISM?

A Dictionary’s Definition of Criticism

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

My Definition of Criticism

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the word negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations. Today’s blog post will focus on negative criticism.

Direct and Implied Forms of Negative Criticism

Some forms of negative criticism are fairly obvious.

When individuals indicate that they don’t like something, they are clearly providing a negative evaluative statement. These types of evaluative statements are forms of direct negative criticism.

When the word “dislike” is used describing one’s reaction to something, it clearly indicates to us that a direct form of negative criticism has occurred. There are several other words that are so clearly associated with “disliking” that they also signal a direct, obvious form of negative criticism has occurred. The words “bad,” “ugly,” “nasty,” “rotten,” “ridiculous,” “stupid, ”or any other adjective that is generally understood to be not liked, indicate direct, obvious, negative criticism has occurred.

In the above Dilbert comic, none of the characters actually use any form of the word “dislike,” but in the last frame, it’s pretty clear that referring to Alice’s plan as “lame” is a form of negative criticism.

Some forms of criticism are not quite as obvious as the direct kind.

In the above comic’s last panel, Dilbert provides positive criticism to Wally while, at the same time, provides indirect or implied criticism to the woman. In the first panel of the comic, Dilbert hadn’t realized he had provided any negative criticism to the woman and only discovers this clearly by the second frame. This comic illustrates that sometimes we provide indirect negative criticism without realizing it. Under some sets of circumstances, this can lead to unintended problems. It is therefore wise to learn to better recognize negative criticism in all of its guises. Three forms of indirect criticism that often go unrecognized as negative criticism are making a request, making a suggestion, and providing levity.

Making a Request

A request is a type of criticism that is not always recognized as criticism. If I request that you change your shirt before we go out, I’m implying that I think that there is something wrong with it. Thus, it implies negative criticism. If I request that you join me for dinner and a show, it implies that I would like to spend an evening with you. Thus, it implies positive criticism.

To get a better sense of this type of implied criticism, consider a scenario in which a dad, mom, and son are preparing for supper. The son’s dinner job is to set the table. Noticing the butter container is almost empty, he decides to take out a new container and place it on the table alongside the almost empty one.

After everyone sits down to have a pleasant meal, the dad, while buttering his bread, finishes the old container. Not noticing the new container is easily within his reach, he says to his son, “Do you mind getting a fresh container out from the refrigerator? I just finished this one.”

Now let’s say that his son responds in a matter-of-fact tone, “A fresh container is right here, Dad.” The dad glances at the new container of butter, nods his head at his son, thus indicating he recognizes his son is correct, and the family then continues on with the conversation.

Most people will not see the dad’s request containing any criticism of his son. The dad is criticizing the table’s condition; that is, he evaluated the condition of the table, and found that it was missing a sufficient amount of butter. Under this set of circumstance, if the dad did not view this as an example of criticism, in all likelihood it’d be no big deal.

But consider a slightly different scenario. This time the dad, in requesting that his son get out a fresh container, although using the exact same words as the first scenario, now has a slight tone of annoyance in his voice? His son interprets this as meaning that his dad thinks he should have anticipated that the almost empty butter container would not be enough for tonight’s dinner, and therefore he should have taken out, along with the old container, a new container. The son, therefore experiences his dad’s slight tone of annoyance as criticism, not just of the table’s lack of butter, but of something he has done. The son replies using the exact same words as he used in the first scenario. However, when he says,—“A fresh container is right here, Dad,”— draws out the word “Dad” to, “D-a-a-d.” And, instead of a matter-of-fact tone, we notice just a hint of straining in his vocal cords. With these two slight changes, the son more clearly indicates that he is becoming defensive and is now criticizing his dad for not noticing the new butter container. At this point, the dad shouts, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!” All of a sudden, the table blows up in an argument.

As I noted earlier, we would do well to learn to recognize all forms of criticism because there are a variety of effective techniques to draw upon, all specifically designed to address conflicts that involve criticism. It is for this reason that the skill to identify indirect, less obvious, forms of criticism can be helpful. To that end, let’s take a look at another type of criticism that often goes unrecognized as criticism.

Suggestions

As with requests, often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion.

Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her back yard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for you coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” exclaims Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Apparently Katrina has a different definition of a suggestion than I do. Given that we have defined “criticism” as evaluating, Katrina, as she provided her suggestion, also provided criticism. She looked over to the plants, evaluated where they were and what shape they were in, and then presented her judgment to Betty.

On this blog, when I use the word “suggestion” in a description of some scenario, it always indicates that the person to whom the suggestion is made is being criticized.

Levity

Tom Greening writes charmingly provocative poems (see for example his wonderful book titled, Words Against the Void). Recently there was an exchange on the internet among a group of folks who are interested in promoting peace in the world. At one point, Tom sent out the following email:

To Milt,
I’m sorry, but I have sold out.
The money and prestige were too hard to resist.
=======================
KILL

A really cool way to have fun
is solving problems with a gun.
Our government has shown the way
and slaughters bad guys ev’ry day.
It’s patriotic, brave and easy,
so don’t be cowardly or queasy.
There is no reason you should wait
to kill the enemies you hate.
A lot of evil folks must die—
don’t waste your time by asking why.

Tom Greening

Now, at one point there was a discussion about whether this was a type of criticism, or was it levity. Sandra Rafman’s comment on this issue eloquently captured my own view. She wrote:

Intrinsic to its humour, Tom Greening’s poetry is implicitly and/or explicitly critical and gives us a critical perspective on important contemporary issues. He also gently invites us to be self-critical. He reminds me to not take myself too seriously but not to not take important issues seriously, Thanks Tom.
Sandra Rafman, Ph.D.
Professeure honoraire
Université du Québec à Montréal
Senior Psychologist
McGill University Health Centre-Montreal Children’s Hospital

Okay! This concludes the introduction to the notion of direct and implied forms of criticism. Whenever requests, suggestions, and providing levity come up in intrapersonal and interpersonal situations, I am suggesting here that you learn to flash a red light in your mind signaling you to stop and to start considering some of the options we have been discussing in this blog.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, criticism, Dilbert comics, disrespectful, insults, Luann comics, name calling, negative criticism, Peanuts comics, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, violence, wisdom

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UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 17, 2013
13 Comments on UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I’ve been reading your blog again, Dr Rubin. It’s filled with a bunch of hogwash.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like there are some ideas in it that you don’t care for.”

“I read last night two of your blog posts–Is Criticism Bad and Criticism and Wisdom. What a bunch of nonsense!”

“I’m very interested in your point of view, Judy. Please tell me more specifically about what you disagree with in those posts.”

“Well, you talk about this John Stuart Mill. According to him, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, we should thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice. That’s ridiculous! If you don’t have something nice to say to somebody you should keep your stupid mouth shut! And, as far as I’m concerned, unless I give someone permission to criticize me, that person has no right to inflict it upon me!”

Judy (not her real name) raises some important issues about unsolicited criticism. And many people have quite a bit of sympathy for her position.

SYMPATHY FOR JUDY’S POSITION

Consider the following comic:

The above Baby Blues comic comically plays around with this idea that you should not offer an opinion to people unless they invite you to give it. In the comic, not only are unsolicited opinions being provided by the girl, but she is actually charging people for the opinion—a double slap in the face.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed?

They hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Thomas Jefferson felt that even hurtful criticism should not be against the law, especially when directed against government officials. He felt this way even though he personally experienced criticism as deeply painful. Thus, he wrote to James Monroe that the criticism he received while war governor of Virgina “had inflicted a wound on my spirit which will only be cured by the all-healing grave.”

Despite how very painful criticism was, at times, for Jefferson, he supported the right to provide criticism–even unsolicited criticism–to the end of his life. To Jefferson, freedom to criticize was protection from tyranny.

CRITICISM AND OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

Judy spoke about her “right” to NOT be given any criticism unless she gives her permission. Does this mean she thinks it is against the law for someone to criticize unless the criticism is invited? Although I am no legal scholar, it is my understanding that the issue of a person’s “rights,” as understood in this country, points the other way. Rather than the right to silence speech, don’t we have a right to speak up whenever we disagree with someone?

It seems to me that insisting that no one has the right to provide another person criticism unless invited to do so just won’t work. The Soviet Union tried to squelch criticism and despite being backed up by an enormous military, failed miserably. Criticism soon oozed out of every joint that government tried to seal.

CRITICISM IS COMING OUR WAY WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

My mother, whom I loved dearly, passed away a few years back. She was a strong verbal supporter of the proverb–If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, from time to time, she would frown at something someone would do, and, far more rarely, she would blow-up in an outrage.

I doubt that anyone can live in a manner completely consistent with one of my mother’s favorite proverbs. And any government insisting on this principle would be as successful as the United States was when it went through its period of alcohol prohibition.

The plain fact is that all of us will be provided with negative criticism from time to time. Even if we choose to be a hermit, we’ll probably spend some of our alone time criticizing ourselves.

SINCE IT IS COMING OUR WAY, WE WOULD BE WISE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT

Criticism is just part of our shared human existence. And sometimes something is bugging us about what someone is doing and it can unnecessarily lead to the end of a valued relationship if we don’t discuss it with that person. Rather then seeking to squelch the criticism, we are better off learning to provide it in a wise and thoughtful manner (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY), and to respond to it in a wise and thoughtful manner as well (see post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

Now, don’t misunderstand me. There are times when someone is providing me one criticism after another and it is becoming too much for me to process all at once. There are other times when someone is providing me with criticism that is in a style using a tone of voice that is hard for me to bear. Sometimes I have been bombarded by some other type of stress, and then I come in contact with someone, and I may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for the rest of the day. Under these sets of circumstances, I believe it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person I’m with know that I’m usually very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, I need a little break (see blog post SUMMARIZE AND DELAY). Then I can, over a period of time, regain my sense of balance and figure out how best to move forward. And I also think that it is OK to encourage others to provide you criticism in a manner that is easier for you to handle.

My preference is to let anyone that I know clearly understand that I am open to receive criticism most of the time, and I accept that it might feel, at times, hurtful. I feel that to do otherwise may, perhaps, result in people keeping silent to my face but end up talking behind my back. I would be left unable to address the concerns expressed in the criticism. Moreover, I have learned that for me the challenging feelings that come up when I am criticized and are sometimes experienced as hurtful are really part of a helpful emotional process that leads me into deeper thought about the issues that come up upon receiving the criticism. Finally, I think openness to criticism and seeking to address criticism is the path to wisdom.

I also think that people have a higher degree of respect for those who are open to criticism and can respond to it in a self-assured, mature manner. People tend to admire a person who recognizes that even hurtful criticism, when wisely considered, has the potential to be of value; that facing criticism head-on is our only opener of our eyes to the fulness of truth.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, John Stuart Mill on Liberty, maturity, maturity levels, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 9, 2013
2 Comments on INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Back in April of last year, in a post titled, WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?, we began to discuss the fact that when we provide negative criticism to others, they may feel insulted, they may feel that you feel they are not worthy of being liked, and they may feel that you are trying to push them to make some change that should be only for them to freely decide. They, therefore, may become defensive and their anger may become destructive.

Of course, it is not enough to just know that the desire to be liked and the desire to maintain freedom can lead to problems when we provide negative criticism–we also want to know what we can do to either prevent these problems or to resolve them when they come up. To develop these skills, I first presented a post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY. In later posts we began to look at a variety of very specific situations in which negative criticism is provided in a wise and helpful manner (see for example, DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE and DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON).

In order to learn these skills at a level at which it becomes second nature even in emotionally arousing situations, from time to time I will be returning to this topic. By providing a wide range of examples over an extended period of time, readers will become better and better at applying these skills. To this end, today, we will look at some new situations in which the use of these skills are considered.

PRACTICE USING THE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED

There are many people who don’t like to receive negative criticism. Some people, therefore, insist that if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, there are occasions when the risk of starting a conflict because of providing negative criticism does makes sense.

Let’s say I like Marie, and it is pretty clear she likes me. But there is one thing Marie does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting, name calling, and glares.

In this example, Marie hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I nevertheless decide that it’s worth a shot to confront her about the way she criticizes me because both of us may benefit from solving this problem. What might be a skillful way to go about providing her this negative criticism? Let me give you one approach to consider.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up a “liking” conflict, I might present my comments by first trying to find a time when we are alone and she appears to be pretty open and relaxed. Criticizing someone who is already distressed with feelings of being unloved is unwise because they are very likely to resist hearing you out.

When I do find the right time, I might say, “Marie, I sure like you a lot. You’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her. Then I gave her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

After I provide the criticism, it is crucial that I give Marie a chance to respond without interrupting her. I would wait until she is completely finished, and then summarize what she has said without a tone of defensiveness. After my summary, before making any additional points, I would see if she is satisfied with my summary. It seems to me it is essential that I do my best to show Marie I have fully listened to what she has to say on this topic.

Practice Using the Knowledge About the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Another approach to consider when we suspect someone might experience defensiveness when criticized is to empower the person who is the target of the criticism. Here’s an example:

“Hi Fred. Last time we got together we had quite an argument.”

“Yeah, you made some stupid suggestion.”

“I know you disagreed with it, Fred. I’ve been thinking a lot about these arguments. I think I get so into them that I start pushing you too hard to change your mind. It comes across as pushy and like I am getting in the way of your freedom to make your own decisions.”

“Yeah, it does come off as real pushy. You don’t know when to back off!”

“I understand. Well, I really value our friendship so I want to change that. I’d like to set up a couple of rules that I’m willing to agree to follow from now on. First, if I bring up a topic you don’t want to talk about, I’d like you to tell me you don’t want to talk about it. I promise I’ll silence myself immediately. Second, if we start getting into a discussion, at any point you have had enough, just say, “Enough!” and that will signal to me to drop the topic. Do you think that might help us to get along a little better?”

“Well, if you really do drop the topic when I tell you, it could help.”

“I’m determined to stick to my promise. If I can’t, it will be my fault. I’m sorry for being so pushy in the past.”

Notice how this plan puts at least some of the responsibility for the unwanted arguments between Fred and myself squarely on my shoulders. It also gives some power to Fred. It makes it clear to Fred that he now has a way to get me to back off when he no longer wants to engage. Also, I agree to follow these rules and admit that if I don’t follow them the fault rests with me.

Of course, if Fred were to signal to me that he wanted to drop a topic by using angry shouting, I might seek to change our plan a bit. I could explain to Fred that I have a hard time dealing with someone shouting at me. Then I can ask him to signal me to drop a topic by using some silent signal like a palm down wave of his hand. We call this “a silent back-off signal.”

The skill to empower those who have a tendency to become defensive when criticized is a powerful tool. It avoids unnecessary conflicts about freedom.

It Can be Challenging to Learn these Types of Skills to Deal with Criticism

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining.

In the above Sally Forth comic, Sally seems to desire to be helpful and yet she does something she knows will not be helpful. This one incident doesn’t mean she will never be able to make the change that makes sense to her. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to criticizing ourselves. In the following Luann comic, notice that Toni calls her mouth stupid while she criticizes herself.

Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are unchangeably bad. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

SUMMARY

Today we practiced using the knowledge about two major reasons why providing negative criticism can be difficult. The two major reasons are:

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we begin to recognize these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. If we like the person whom we are about to criticize, providing reassurance about our esteem, using some specific examples of what we like about the person, is a valuable skill to learn. For people who tend to get defensive when criticized, suggesting the use of a “silent back-off signal” can empower them to deal more effectively with criticism. To learn these skills so they can be used even during trying times takes time. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake along the way is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, second nature, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 2, 2013
2 Comments on ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

When we describe a conflict it is useful to avoid insults and relate it to something that will occur in the future. Old Abe Lincoln was a master at this. Before illustrating this with Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, let’s take a few moments to review this idea with one of our favorite comics.

Bumstead Gets Into Trouble

Please consider the following comic.

Now, let’s pretend we know what happens after Dagwood arrives at his office. Immediately, his boss, Mr. Dithers throws an insult at him, yelling that he is a Bobblehead!

Dagwood responds by becoming defensive and starts screaming and throwing insults at his boss which leads to getting fired.

His boss is now stuck trying to replace Dagwood, and Dagwood has to look for a new job. Upon reflection, both parties come to realize that this was not the best outcome to the conflict.

Consider, if you will, another scenario. Dagwood, upon arriving at work and hearing his boss’s insult, recognizes his boss is probably insulting him because he has a conflict with him about coming to work late. Dagwood, instead of insulting his boss, looks concerned and summarizes the conflict by saying, “You’re angry with me because you desired that your employers come to work on time, and I interfered with your desire by coming to work late. You feel I’m guilty because I’m over an hour late.”

This wording is a pretty good step toward describing the conflict. However, it can be improved. Notice that it describes the desire and the act that interfered with Mr. Dithers’ desire as all happening in the past. A more helpful thing to do is to try to describe the conflict, without insults, as something important to the future. It is helpful to spend at least some time, when describing a conflict, to focus on the future because the past can’t be changed, and conflicts, when wisely considered, are designed to lead us to improving our futures. Your job, when you are an expert in conflict resolution, will be to translate the common but immature way to express a conflict into a language that reveals the true nature of conflicts.

Let’s apply this lesson to Dithers’ conflict with Bumstead.

When Bumstead arrives at the office in our example, Dithers starts to yell at Bumstead, “You Bobblehead, you’re an hour late!” This sure seems like the conflict is about something that occurred in the past. But, if you will, consider this scenario:

Bumstead upon arriving at work and hearing his boss yell an insult at him, says “Boss, I’m sorry that I’m late. The elevator broke down. Now that I am late, is there something that you desire that I get done that you are afraid I won’t get done because I arrived late?”

Suddenly Mr. Dithers realizes that the real reason he is upset is that the Smith report has to get done before the end of the day.

Bumstead then summarizes the conflict in a concerned manner, “Boss, you want me to complete the Smith report that I promised would go out by the end of the day, and now that I arrived late, you are worried that all of my other duties I have to accomplish during the remaining workday will interfere with your desire. You feel I’m guilty of being an irresponsible employee. Is that correct?”

“Yes!” cries Mr. Dithers.

This restating of the original conflict points us in an easier direction for resolving the conflict. Arguing all day about coming to work late today will only waste time and can end up getting Bumstead fired. Thinking about how to get that report out as soon as possible can be far more productive.

Bumstead, now focused on what the major concern of his boss is, perhaps might reply, “Boss, I know how important it is to you to get that report out, so when the elevator got stuck, I wrote the report sitting on the elevator floor.” Or perhaps Bumstead might reply, “Since it is so important to you to get that report out, I’ll work over my lunch break and get it done.” Or Bumstead might reply, “I’ll work late today until the report is done, and then I’ll bring the report to the overnight mail service. They have a pick-up as late as 7:30 pm.”

Any of these replies, all designed to address Dithers’ concern about a problem relevant to the future (getting the Smith report done by the end of the day) will be more helpful in calming Dithers’ concern then either Bumstead getting defensive or both Bumstead and Dithers arguing about some things that have all occurred in the past.

It is for this, and many other reasons that we will be discussing in future posts, that it is helpful to try our best to describe a conflict as something relevant to the future.

Insult Avoiding, Forward Looking Abraham Lincoln

Arguably the best example in all of history of a statesman describing a conflict in a manner that avoids insults while focussing attention on a relevant future occurred when Lincoln gave his Gettysburg Address.

Over forty thousand men died during the three-day battle at Gettysburg, and bitterness was in the hearts of those who came to hear Lincoln’s words. If asked for the reason to continue the war, many might have pointed to the violent events in the recent past and thrown vicious insults at the rebels. But Lincoln provides not single insult. Instead, he begins his speech reminding all in attendance what the war is about.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.

We see here Lincoln focussing the listeners’ attention on the worthy cause of this nation enduring into the future.

After Lincoln’s first two sentences, notice how his next three sentences show respect for what had taken place but then hastens once gain to connect this with something relevant to the future:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

In those three sentences, Lincoln again directs the attention of his listeners to what those who lost their lives were fighting for, “that that nation might live.”

Although spending time to honor the brave men of the battle is altogether fitting and proper, as Lincoln continues, the future aspects of the conflict is further developed. Thus:

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground…. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

We see here, not a single insult directed at those on the other side of this conflict. Instead, Lincoln brilliantly moves his audience, all of whom are engaged in the conflict of their lives, from the vivid past to a relevant future. We all must learn to do this if we are to become experts in dealing with conflict.

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Tags Abraham Lincoln, anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, Gettysburg Address, insults, maturity, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 27, 2013
4 Comments on DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

In my previous post, I offered some suggestions for dealing with criticism. There, I mentioned that in difficult situations I have found it helpful before providing criticism to pause. Because people want to be liked and to be free to make their own decisions, during my pause I think about how to minimize any perceived threat to these two desires.

To practice this skill, I then presented the following Dennis The Menace comic strip:

In my previous post, I pointed out that Gina, the socially clever girl in the comic, noticing a conflict has popped up in her neighborhood, helps out by letting Dennis know how much he is loved at home. I also mentioned that while criticizing Dennis about his room, his mom could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By letting Dennis know that she loves him and then giving him a choice, Dennis’s mom could have come off as more loving and less bossy.

A master at dealing with criticism must become highly skilled at addressing concerns about the desire to be loved and to maintain freedom. For this reason, we will be going over many examples of how to address these concerns in coming weeks. As for today, let’s dig a little deeper into the situation illustrated in the above comic.

Digging Deeper

Please take an especially good look at the following panels from the above comic:

It appears to me that Dennis has a conflict with his mother about her desire that he pick up his room. Judging from the expression on Dennis’s mom and dad, they seem to be turning angry over Dennis’s response.

When this type of situation happens in Dennis The Menace comic strips, his parents usually end up responding by making Dennis sit in a corner.

Other parents in this type of situation feel that Dennis should be told that he should not answer back, and that he should be forced to do what he is told to do. If Dennis does not comply, such parents believe Dennis’s parents should beat some sense into him. This type of parenting has been referred to as an authoritarian approach. Critics of an authoritarian approach say that it leads sons and daughters to feel like they are pawns rather than origins.

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings. This leads to resentment and recurring conflicts. We get a sense of this resentment in the following comic:

Notice the angry expression on Dennis’s face and his hands balled up into fists.

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating my behavior. We say that when people feel this way they feel like an origin. Parents who help their children to feel like origins, instead of using an authoritarian style of leadership, use an authoritative style of leadership. When we become skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism and to resolve conflicts, we become authoritative leaders.

So, if Dennis’s parents, Henry and Alice, were skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model, what might that look like?

First, They Would Summarize and Delay.

Henry, realizing that he and Alice have become angry at Dennis’s comment, would very quickly respectfully summarize Dennis’s perspective (See blog post titled Summarize and Delay for a complete description of this approach).

To do this, Henry uses the word DIG to remind him to dig for what Dennis desires in this situation, what Dennis views as interfering with his desire, and what Dennis thinks his mother is guilty of doing wrong. Because he is so well-practiced at this, even though he is angry, Henry does this rather easily.

“Dennis,” says Henry, I think I understand how you are feeling. It looks to me like you desire that Mom will stop telling you to pick up your room. You feel she is interfering with this desire when she tells you that you have to do it. You feel she is guilty of treating you unfairly because I pay her to pick up your room. Is that right?”

“That’s right,” Dennis replies, “you pay her to clean up, and it’s not fair that she wants me to do it!”

“Okay, Dennis,” I understand. “Your Mom and I are always interested in what you have to say. We’re going to think about this for a little while, and then Mom and I will discuss this with you some more.”

During this calming-down period, Dennis is not pressured to pick up his room. The topic is dropped.

Second, They Are a Wise Friend to Their Angry Self.

As Henry and Alice leave Dennis, they keep in mind that their angry self does not have to seek to suppress any anger to reach a state of relative calm (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF). They are confident this will occur naturally without any effort at all. They just listen to what is going on inside of themselves in a caring manner, just like a good friend would, and they are confident that their calm will return.

Now, as Alice and Henry go through this calming period, they notice their angry selves chattering away, saying things like, “That Dennis is acting like an idiot! He is a stupid jerk for making me angry.” Other derogatory statements about the source of their anger come to mind. They realize this is just part of the anger process.

At such times, they simply observe their angry self in a nonjudgmental manner as this is happening. They are as kind to their angry selves as they can be throughout this process—just like a good, compassionate friend would.

Third, After They Calm Down They Map out a Plan.

Once they are in a state of relative calm, Henry and Alice begin to respond to the conditions that led to anger in a more reasonable manner. They calmly discuss the issue with each other, and Alice calls a couple of friends whom she respects to get their take on how this situation can best be handled. Soon they feel comfortable with a plan that they have created.

Fourth, They Carry Out the Plan.

Alice and Henry call Dennis in for a discussion and quickly summarize for him what had happened. Then Alice says, “Dennis, from what happened, I can see that you are starting to get some ideas about Dad giving me money and what I have to do for it. That’s good. Let me explain a little more about how this works.

“When Dad goes to work, he does some things for his boss, and his boss does some things in return for Dad. One thing the boss does is pay Dad some money for the work that Dad does for him. At home, I do some things for Dad, and he, in return, does some things for me. For example, I cook dinner most of the time and wash the dishes. In return, Dad gives me some money, and sometimes he goes to the store to pick up some things I need, or he goes with me to a party. So, you see how it works, Dad does some things for me, and in return, I do things for him.

“Now, your Dad and I do lots of things for you, so it seems to us that it’s only fair that you do some things for us. Here’s some things that Dad and I do for you–we make you meals, we wash your dishes, we take you to parties, we buy you toys, and do lots of other things for you. What do you do in return for us?”

“I go to school,” says Dennis.

“Dennis,” says Henry, “we don’t think that when you go to school it is for us. When you go to school, that helps you to learn to read, count, and stuff like that. Mom and I do things for you. What do you do for us in return?”

After thinking about this, Dennis appears stuck.

“One thing I want you to do for us,” says Alice, “is to pick up your room when I ask you to do it. When it gets messy in your room, I can trip and hurt myself, or I might step on something and break it. I also like the way it looks when the room is all picked up. When I ask you to pick up your room, you don’t have to do it right away if you feel you are busy with something else, but after I ask you, before the end of the day, I want it picked up. Is that fair?”

“I guess so, Mom,” Dennis replies.

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Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, negative criticism, parenting, respect, wisdom

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 19, 2013
3 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

In a recent post (Dealing with Criticism by Digging Deeper) I discussed some difficult situations that may occur when we deal with criticism. There, I mentioned that in these types of situations, it can be helpful to do our best to describe what the criticizer’s most obvious desire is for providing the criticism and then to look to see if there are any other desires that might be involved. To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important desires in a difficult situation, I provided readers with two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will.

a. look for the desire to be liked or loved.

b. look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision.

Today, we begin to get some practice utilizing these two shovels.

PRACTICE

Consider the following Dennis the Menace comic:

In this comic, obviously, Dennis’s mother desires that he straighten up his room. What other desires are important to consider? It appears to me that Dennis’s mother is glaring at him. Hmmm?

When a boy hears his mom criticizing him in this way, there’s a chance his desire to be liked will feel threatened. Is there also a chance that there is another important desire in this challenging situation?

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want, and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.

EASING THE LIKING PROBLEM

When the desire to be liked and loved raises its mischievous head, we can let the person who has been criticized know that he is liked. This is what Dennis’s friend, Gina, does to lower the intensity of Dennis’s anger in the comic.

When Gina tells Dennis that his mom will cry if he leaves, Dennis is reminded that his mom really does love him.

Then Gina explains to Dennis that not only will his mom miss him, so too will his dad and dog. Dennis ends up deciding to resolve his conflict and go back home. Gina helped to resolve the conflict by focusing on easing the “liking” problem in this conflict.

Now let’s consider what we can do to help to resolve the problems in this situation by focusing on easing the “freedom” problem.

EASING THE FREEDOM PROBLEM

In the Dennis the Menace comic, while criticizing him, his mom could have offered Dennis the freedom to choose between two times to pick up his room. More specifically, she could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By giving a child a choice, a parent can come off as less bossy.

To help to come up with these types of ideas, the one thing I tend to do before providing criticism is to pause. Recognizing that I am about to provide criticism, and knowing that people tend to get defensive about not being liked and having their freedom threatened, I think about how to ease any perceived threat to these two desires.

SUMMARY

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we learn to be skillful at recognizing these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. Therefore, in future posts I will be frequently providing examples that allows the reader to practice this skill.

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 12, 2013
2 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

“I’ve been reading your blog posts, Dr. Rubin,” Judy says sounding annoyed. “You are making everything sound way too complicated.”

“I’m pleased that you’ve been checking it out,” I reply. “I’d love to hear more about your reactions.”

“Well, yesterday I went over to pick up my friend, Sue, to go to a party. She was wearing an outfit that was almost identical to mine. So I told Sue I didn’t like what she was going to wear. If we went to the party in the same outfits we’d look like the Bobbsey twins. We’d look ridiculous. Sue quickly saw that I was right and changed her clothes. Then we decided that in the future, whenever we plan to go to a party together, we’ll check with each other before we pick out what we’ll wear. So, you see, without going through all of your stupid ‘DIG,’ desire, interference, guilt, nonsense, I provided negative criticism to Sue, and we worked it out just fine.”

“I like the way you dealt with it, Judy, especially how you made plans to prevent the same problem from recurring. Checking with each other before choosing your outfits makes a good deal of sense. Well done!”

A glorious smile graces Judy’s face.

“Judy, I also agree with you to a large extent about using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism. In many situations, perhaps even most situations, there is no good reason to go through the steps I’ve been describing in my blog posts. As long as the issues are simple enough to understand easily and if whatever approach you are in the habit of using leads you to a comfortable resolution, then, by all means, you don’t have to bother using the DIG Conflict Model.”

“There are times that I do get defensive or confused,” Judy allows. “I know there are times I get defensive, and I’ve said some things even recently that I now regret.”

“I want to hear about those regrets, Judy. At the same time, it takes a special kind of learning to handle defensive feelings. I think it would be helpful if we first rehearsed a plan that can increase the respect you will feel for yourself. It has to be well rehearsed because when people get defensive, they oftentimes have trouble thinking as clearly as when they calm down and have some time to think things over. It’s also helpful to learn to get comfortable with this new way of thinking by discussing someone else’s conflicts, rather than discussing events that directly happened to you. This will allow you to look at this new approach more objectively. Once you get the ideas down so that you can smoothly work with them, then it will be far easier to apply them to events that are occurring in your own life. So, if it’s okay with you, Judy, let’s return to my Charlie Brown comic that I used in my last blog post.”

“Well, I do want to get you back on my recent regret, but I love the Peanuts characters, especially Lucy. Go ahead, Dr. Rubin, let’s hear one of your lessons.”

FIRST, LET’S REVIEW THE OLD LESSONS

“Okay! First, please read again the Peanuts comic we looked at in our last lesson:

Judy, after reading it, smiles, and says, “Okay, now what?”

“Let’s review some key points, Judy. From the ideas we have been discussing over the last few months, what do you think Charlie Brown can do in this type of situation that will be helpful?”

“He can tell himself that it is good that he has begun to criticize himself in this situation. Criticism, if handled skillfully, is the path toward wisdom.” (see blog post titled, Is Criticism Bad?)

“Excellent! What else might be helpful for him to do?”

“Think about how he is likely to criticize himself, and rate that style using the skills in my post Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity. If Charlie Brown already started to criticize himself before he did this, it would help him to look at the style he has begun to use, and then rate that. After rating the style, it would help him to see if he could come up with a more mature style that would match either a 4 or 5 level. To help him do this, he might work a little on summarizing his problem using the word, “DIG.” That will help him to dig for his desire, what is interfering with his desire, and what he feels guilty about.” (see Dig For The Conflict)

“Very impressive, Judy. You’re a fine student. If Charlie Brown asked you to summarize his conflict, what would you say?”

“Charlie Brown, you seem to desire that you not yell at your baby sister, but the fact that you did has led you to perceive that, interfering with your desire, you are likely to continue yelling at her. You appear to feel guilty for your actions by saying you hate yourself.”

NOW, THE NEW MATERIAL

“Well, Judy, I can see that you’re now ready to move on to some new material. After you get skilled at summarizing the most obvious conflict in a difficult situation, it’s then helpful to use the word “DIG” to remind you to dig a little deeper to find other desires that may be important to consider. What other desire do you think Charlie Brown might have that is important to consider in this situation?”

After some thought, Judy replies, “He desires to play with his puzzle, but his sister interfered by messing it up.”

“Yes, Judy, very good. Do you think Charlie Brown thinks his sister is guilty of doing something wrong for messing up the puzzle?”

“Probably not. He seems to recognize that she is only a baby, so he’s not blaming her for what she did.”

“I think you are right, Judy. Now, when we are using the DIG Conflict Model, to have a full conflict we must have all three conditions of a conflict, the desire, the interference, and the guilt. In the problem you just described, we only have the desire and the interference, but no guilt. Even though this is not a full conflict, it may still be very important to consider in this situation. We will be calling this type of problem a DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEM. And so, when we think about all of the possible problems that might be involved in a difficult situation, we write down a summary of all of the possible conflicts and all of the possible DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEMS.

“To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important problems in a difficult situation, today I am giving you two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will. The first shovel is look for the desire to be liked or loved. The other tool is look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision. I discussed both of these tools (looking for the desire to be loved and looking for the desire to avoid interference with freedom) more thoroughly in my blog post titled, Why is Criticism So Hard To Bear?

“Oh, now I remember that one,” says Judy, as if a light suddenly went on in her head. “You talked about how people, when criticized, might feel that people won’t like them, and why it’s important to consider this when we try to come up with a long term solution to problems.”

“Yes. I also mentioned that when we are criticized we often think that the criticizer wants us to make some change. This criticism might be provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will. We may, therefore, become defensive as we begin to desire to make our own life decisions without outside pressure. When we dig deeply into a difficult situation we would be wise if we look at how the “desire to be liked and loved” is involved in the situation and how the desire to “remain free to make our own decisions” is involved in the situation. It helps to write down a summary sentence or two for each of the conflicts that you can see in the difficult situation, each of the desire-interference problems, and then dig deeper using the two shovels, that is, the liking/loving shovel and the protecting freedom shovel. In this way, you will get a list of the problems that all have to be addressed if you wish to create wise and lasting ways to deal with difficult situations.

“Sometimes, when we look at a difficult situation, it all seems to be so complicated, that we just get lost on how to move forward in a helpful way. By using the approach I just described, the big difficult situation is broken down into easier-to-understand problems. Oftentimes, working on making some improvements to deal with each of these easier-to-understand problems, one by one, the larger difficult situation begins to improve.

“In coming weeks, I’ll present examples of how this approach can be very helpful. As we go through them, you’ll become so familiar with this approach that you will find that you can use it even in the most trying situations.”

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, maturity, maturity levels, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, stress, types of criticism, wisdom

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INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 1, 2013
4 Comments on INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

A few weeks ago I published a post titled CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN. Today, let’s quickly review the ideas presented there, and then move on to discuss a few more.

Review

When one person has a conflict with another person, we call this an interpersonal conflict. An intrapersonal conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

When we describe a conflict using the DIG Conflict Model, the letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and finally, the GUILT. Earlier, we looked at the following example of an intrapersonal conflict:

When we looked earlier at this example, I provided the following tentative description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

It would be simpler to describe this conflict by saying:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this simpler description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future. This skill will help us to prevent similar conflicts from recurring over and over again.

Okay, so there’s our summary in what was presented the last time we discussed intrapersonal conflicts. Let’s now move on to some more advanced ideas.

Advanced Lesson

Whenever we have a conflict with ourselves, we oftentimes present to ourselves some negative criticism. In the above three panels of the Charlie Brown comic, Charlie Brown indicates he has evaluated how he treated his sister and he makes it clear that he doesn’t like what he did. When we evaluate something and state we don’t like what we evaluated, we have provided negative criticism.

In an earlier blog, we looked at providing negative criticism during interpersonal conflicts. We saw that according to the DIG Conflict Model, there are five levels of maturity when it comes to providing negative criticism (see blog post titled, PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY). Level 1 is viewed as the most immature level, and level 2 is viewed as a bit more mature, and so on. Readers of this blog were encouraged to familiarize themselves with the five levels, and then to use them in the following way:

First, they learn to recognize that they are getting ready to provide somebody criticism.

Then they pause to think about how they are likely to provide the criticism.

Then, before they provide the negative criticism, they decide what level of maturity the criticism they are likely to give is at. If it is below level 4, they try to change the criticism so that it matches level 4, or even level 5.

In this example, the man is the employer of the woman who wrote a report. After looking it over, he sees he is likely to provide criticism in a style that would best match level 2, which states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Now, I understand that some of you might feel that the employer deserves a higher rating because he does explain what the offending behavior is when he says the report is stupid. But this just indicates in some vague way that he doesn’t like the report using the insulting word, “stupid.” In my opinion, his comment is not an adequate description of what he doesn’t like about the report to warrant a more mature rating.

Seeing that this type of criticism is a bit immature, the man’s job in this example would then be to try to come up with a form of criticism that matches one of the more mature levels. One of the more mature levels is level 4:

4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

In this example, by pausing and thinking about level 4, the man asks himself to describe his criticism in a clearer, more precise way than shouting “The report is stupid!” To help him to clarify his thoughts, he uses the word “DIG.” Thus, he says to himself that “I desire that in the future this woman who wrote this report will follow the directions that I give her and interfering with this desire is the fact that in this report she did not do so. I think she is guilty of ignoring my directions.”

Having slowed down so he can think about this, the man now decides that the best way to provide the criticism to the woman is to wait until he has managed to calm himself down enough so he can speak to her using a respectful tone of voice and without any insulting words. Then he will go over the first direction he had given to her and ask her to describe how she might have written the report so that he would have seen that the report writer is following his direction. If she is not sure how to respond, he could then explain more thoroughly what he wants when she attempts to follow this direction. After clarifying the first direction, he could go over in a similar way his second direction, and so forth.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only resolution to this employer’s conflict. For example, he could instead assign the best report writer in his company to mentor this employer. The mentor would review each of her reports before she hands them in, show her copies of high quality reports, and so on. The point is that this employer can improve the quality of his criticism by pausing before providing the criticism, thinking about how he is preparing to provide the criticism, comparing it to the five levels of providing negative criticism, and then seeking a way to change the criticism to something that matches a more mature level.

With intrapersonal conflicts we carry out a similar plan as we do with interpersonal conflicts.

Let’s return to our Charlie Brown example:

Here we see that even before first recognizing he is about to provide himself negative criticism, he has already done so. That’s not the end of the world. Many old habits are not easy to change quickly, and if you find yourself slipping into past styles of dealing with conflicts, you need not beat yourself up over this. There are better ways to helpfully carry on.

In our Charlie Brown example, even after having already provided negative criticism, he can still go through the steps we discussed for dealing with interpersonal conflicts. That is, he can first look at how he did criticize himself and then compare it to the five levels of providing criticism. Then, he can pick out which of the five levels best matches his response.

In my judgement, Charlie Brown’s response falls somewhere between level 2 and level 3.

Level 2 states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Charlie Brown, in this example does state what the offending behavior is. That is, he says, “I shouldn’t have yelled at her, she is only a baby.” But to match level 3 his response would have to look like this:

3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

Charlie Brown’s criticism of himself, in my opinion, is not quite clear enough to fully match level three. The fact that he repeatedly says he hates himself seems to be an example of insulting himself so that part of his criticism matches both level 2 and 3.

Once Charlie Brown figures out about what level his response had been, he could then see if he could come up with a response that better matches a more mature response, perhaps level 4, or even level 5.

Attempting to describe interpersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. Similarly, attempting to describe intrapersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. What would that look like? Here’s one way Charlie Brown can do this:

He tells himself,

I desire that I not yell at my baby sister, but the fact that I did has led me to guess that, interfering with my desire, I’m likely to continue yelling at her. I feel guilty for my actions.

Notice that there are no insults in this statement. This statement is an important step toward coming up with negative criticism that matches a level 4 or 5 response. Charlie Brown still must go on from here to come up with a plan that can help him to become less likely to yell at his baby sister. Next week we will begin to look at some plans to help him do just that.

Practice

For those of you who truly want to become a master at dealing with intrapersonal conflicts, I recommend that you now take the time to either print out the five levels of providing negative criticism (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY) or if you don’t have a printer, write them out in any way you can. Then, tape them to your refrigerator door. This week, each time you see them, try to recall some time that you provided negative criticism to yourself. Try to recall just what you said to yourself. Then, try to see what level best matched what you said to yourself, and if it is less than a 4 or 5 level, try to create a response that would match a higher level response. With this type of practice, you will soon see some real progress in your skills to deal effectively with intrapersonal conflicts.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism

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CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 8, 2012
8 Comments on CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN

Lately, we have been focusing largely on conflicts that deal with one person having a conflict with another person. We call these interpersonal conflicts.

Today we begin to turn our attention to intrapersonal conflicts. This type of conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

We can see both of these types of conflicts occurring in the following Peanuts comic. If you will, see if you can identify them.

USING THE LETTERS IN THE WORD “DIG” TO DESCRIBE A CONFLICT

The intrapersonal conflict is within Charlie Brown. We can describe his conflict using the DIG Conflict Model that we have been discussing in earlier posts.

The letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us that when we want to describe a conflict in some situation, it is helpful to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and, finally, the GUILT. Using this approach, we can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict as follows:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

In addition to the intrapersonal conflict in the above comic, there appears to be also a fairly clear example of an interpersonal conflict in the above comic. It involves Lucy and Linus.

Lucy seems to have a desire that Linus leave her things alone but the fact that he was reading her comic book suggests to her that, interfering with her desire, he will continue to use her things. The fact that Lucy is yelling at Linus and threatening to chase him out of the country suggests that she sees him as guilty of doing something wrong.

As a first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with interpersonal conflicts, on this blog we have spent some time learning to describe them in a familiar manner, using the word “DIG” as a reminder to look for the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt. As we can see in the above example, we can use the word “DIG” in a similar way for intrapersonal conflicts.

In this next comic, again Charlie Brown has an intrapersonal conflict. See if you can describe it in terms of his desire, something interfering with his desire, and his guilt of doing something wrong.

There are several good ways to describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict. Here’s one–Charlie Brown seems to desire to go home and do his school work, but interfering with this, he is going to the movies. He appears to be feeling guilty about going to the movies.

Let’s try one more. Again, see if you can describe Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict with the help of the letters in the word “DIG.”

This is a tricky one because it is not clear if Charlie Brown feels guilty. One reasonable description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal situation follows.

Charlie Brown seems to have a desire to become a big-league player, but interfering with his desire is his observation of how he has been playing. It is clear he feels terrible about how he has been playing but, as I said, it’s not clear if he feels guilty about how he has been playing. In this situation, using the DIG Conflict model we say Charlie Brown has a desire interference problem.

Thanks for playing along. By now, you have had some practice using the first step to enact a plan to wisely deal with intrapersonal conflicts and desire interference problems, that is, to describe certain situations using the letters in the word “DIG” as an aid to remind you to dig for the desire, the interfering act and the perceived guilt.

A CONFLICT, TO EXIST, MUST REFER TO AN EVENT THAT WILL OCCUR IN THE FUTURE

When we use the DIG Conflict Model to describe a conflict, it is advantageous to phrase the conflicts as something relevant to the future. Consider the first intrapersonal conflict we discussed today:

Let’s take another look at how I described it:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister in the future. My guess is that he feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

Now one simpler way to say this might be:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future.

Try not to misunderstand me here. People oftentimes think about and discuss conflicts that occurred in the past.

According to the DIG Conflict model, a conflict, if it currently exists, must have, in part, the following two conditions:

A person has a desire that an act will occur.
A person must perceive that someone is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.

Framing a conflict as connected in some way to the future is forward looking. It helps us to focus in on what we can do to make a change that can alter the future for the better.

If we could ask Charlie Brown some questions about what led him to feel so blue, we would discover that he does probably perceive that what happened is connected to something relevant to his future. For example, imagine how Charlie would respond if I asked him, “Why are you sad that you made your sister cry? That happened already and there is nothing you can do about it now.”

He might answer, “Maybe feeling sad will prod me into figuring out what to do in the future so it won’t happen again.” Or, he might say, “I don’t know, I just am.” If he answers in the first way, he will be thinking more like a person with a mature idea of what it means to have a conflict. It is this level of maturity that I am trying to encourage. It will take some time for many of you to come to fully understand the value of this, but if you stick with this blog, you are likely to find it can become a very comfortable way to think about this stuff and very helpful.

Consider the case in which Charlie Brown, instead of insulting himself or attempting to ignore and forget the whole episode, says, “I understand why I feel uncomfortable with what I did—it was wrong. I like myself for feeling uncomfortable when I treat my sister wrong. This feeling is a tool that prods me to come up with a better way to treat my sister in the future.”

After some more thought and perhaps discussing the problem with some people he respects, let’s say that he reaches a point at which he says to himself,

“Next time my baby sister messes up a puzzle I’m working on, I’ll walk away, take some deep breaths, and remind myself that she is just a baby. And maybe I can do some things to prevent this situation from ever coming about. Hmm, let me see here. Oh, I know what I can do. Whenever I work on a puzzle, instead of doing it on the floor, I could do it high up in a place that my sister can’t reach.”

This would be a better point to arrive at. As Charlie Brown reaches for this level of understanding, he will be more hopeful that he will be able to work out his conflict, and therefore be less depressed. If you continue to follow this blog, you will learn to master the set of skills necessary for resolving conflicts in this mature way.

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, interpersonal conflicts, intrapersonal conflicts, maturity, name calling, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom