Category: conflict resolution

Preventing Youth Crime and Mental Health Concerns

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 16, 2015
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Today, concerns about youth criminal behavior and mental health tend to be addressed in a variety of ways. Placing law breaking juveniles in correctional facilities get them off the streets for awhile, but their interactions in these facilities with other offenders can make serious problems worse. Psychiatric drugs are popular, though their effectiveness and safety are debatable. Counseling and psychotherapy are often helpful but at times they prove insufficient, and, for some, too costly. Results from studies that examined mentoring programs have been very promising, but communities have found that they have been unable to enlist anywhere near the number of mentors to meet their needs.

Is there a better way? My post today puts forth a vision for an innovative prevention program that solves this mentoring shortage problem. At the same time, it offers a variety of other vital services in a practical, cost saving manner.

The One-On-One Program

The best way to introduce the One-On-One Program is with two brief parables. They will help to give the reader an intuitive understanding of how the program can address some of the most challenging concerns that many parents and other community members face on a daily basis.

The Parable of Tony

Our tale begins when Tony is 12-years old. One day Tony’s mother, Nora, busy at work, is called by the police. Apparently Tony, just outside of the neighborhood afterschool center, was being teased by the other kids as being a baby.

“Baby, baby!” they taunted him over and over again.

When he chased after them, they ran inside the center, shut the glass door behind them, and while holding the door shut, they continued to taunt him through the door.

“Baby, baby!”

“Let me in!”Tony cried! “Let me in!”

“Tony is a baby! Tony is a baby!”

At this point, Tony picked up a rock and smashed the glass door.

When Nora and Tony get home from the police station, she starts hollering. “You know I have to work until six, Tony! Now the afterschool center says you’re not permitted to return! From now on, after school you’re to go straight home! If you get into trouble, I’ll beat the living daylights out of you!”

A few weeks go by and then once again Nora gets a call from the police. This time a gang in the neighborhood had enlisted Tony to be a lookout while they slipped into homes and stole anything that looked valuable. Tony explained afterwards that the gang members agreed to stop doing mean things to him if he cooperated with them.

Although threatened by a judge that another offense would lead to a stay at a juvenile detention center, Tony claimed that he thought that would be cool. Nora began to feel helpless.

When the school counselor called to report that Tony was having trouble at school, she asked him what she could do under the circumstances.

“Isn’t there someone from your family who can watch him after school lets out?” he asked.

“To get a job, I had to move here,” she replied. “My family lives hundreds of miles away. I can’t afford to hire someone to work with him one-on-one every day after school.”

“We have a program at our high school called the One-On-One Program,” said the counselor. “I can find a high school student who could help you out. You’d have to pay him something based on a sliding scale basis. For your income bracket it would cost you about the same amount that you paid for the afterschool center that Tony got thrown out of.”

“That’d be great!” Nora replied.

Nick, 17-years old, began to meet Tony every day after school at his high school. They began with a mile walk. Then together, both worked on their homework for a half hour. Nick used the rest of the time he spent after school with Tony to find some skill that he could help Tony develop.

What a difference this plan made! Nick found the way Tony looked up to him very rewarding and he got a great satisfaction knowing he was helping. The mile walk each day did Tony and Nick’s health a world of good. By doing his homework each day, Tony’s grades improved. His teacher also reported that the afterschool attention he was getting clearly improved his conduct in the classroom. He was no longer wildly driven to get her attention and he was far less likely to blow up in anger.

For talent development, Tony showed an interest in chess, so both boys began to play every day after school and his mother bought a book to help improve their game.

As helpful as the plan was for Nick and Tony, perhaps helped most of all was Nora. The stress from getting called at work by the police department completely went away.

Tony now got home a full forty minutes after her. During that time, Nora closed her eyes, and often fell asleep for a half hour. By the time Tony got home, Nora had enough time to get supper on the stove. When Tony would join her in the kitchen to tell her how his day had gone, she enjoyed the interaction, whereas before she felt drained and found she quickly became annoyed.

“The plan restored me to sanity!” she often would tell her friends. “I have so much more patience with Tony!” she cried when her own mother called one day to ask how things were going.

The next school year, Nick went away to college, so Nora was concerned about finding someone to replace him. But Tony heard that his junior high had started an afterschool chess club. He wanted to give it a try.

To his delight, Tony found that after a whole year of playing chess with Nick five times a week, he had become pretty good. He was able to beat several of the players, and most of the other players were about at his skill level. Even the best players respected Tony’s skills because he knew enough to make it a challenge to win.

Best of all, several of the players began to call Tony to play chess on the weekend or to go to a movie with a few of the other guys. Soon, he had, for the first time in his life, some real friends.

Parable Discussion

For some, once a week counseling can make a significant difference. But in some cases, children see a counselor once a week and then go home to parents who are so stressed out at work that they frequently lose their temper. The resulting angry parent-youth interactions may very well offset any gains that may occur during counseling.

Other children have parents working two jobs to make ends meet. When these children go home after school they rarely find needed one-on-one time. Some of these children then seek closeness with street gangs who can provide daily close human contact, but at the expense of criminal behaviors.

In addition to the acting out type of problem that is characterized in the parable of Tony, there is another type of problem that professionals sometimes come to realize requires something more than what they can currently provide in a weekly hour session.

The Parable of June

June is 11- years old and wearing a cute pink dress. She has been brought to see Dr. Goleman, a psychologist in his mid-forties. Wearing gold rim glasses, and a white collared shirt, Dr. Goleman is leaning forward on his desk, clearly very concerned.

“Do you know why your mother asked me to meet with you, June?” Dr. Goleman asks.

“I’ve been awfully sad, and she hates it when I cry out that I hate myself,” June replies. “I can’t help it.”

“Wow! Do you know why you are feeling so blue?”

“I’m terribly lonely.”

“Lonely? Hmmm. You go to school where there’re lots of kids your own age. You could go to the afterschool program where you don’t have to be lonely. Your mother told me that you refuse to go there. What’s up with that?”

“At school and at the afterschool center I feel lonelier than when I’m alone. The kids make fun of me there and when a teacher tells the other kids to include me I can tell they wish they weren’t stuck playing with me.”

“I see,” replies Dr. Goleman. “Sometimes, June, it feels lonelier when you are with people than when you’re alone. Do you also feel lonely when you are alone?”

“Terribly.” Tears begin to form in June’s eyes.

“I can see that you are feeling sad now,” says Dr. Goleman softly.

“I get like this a lot.”

“Are there any times when you don’t feel lonely?”

“Yeah, when my cousin Marissa comes for a visit. She’s a few years older than me, but she really likes talking to me. And I play the flute and she plays the piano, so we play duets together, and we love being together. It’s just that she lives up in Rochester and so I only see her once every month or two.”

“So, when you’re with Marissa you don’t feel lonely.”

“Not when we’re together. She’s like a big sister to me.”

“I see,” says Dr. Goleman. “June, we have a program in this community called the One-On-One program. If you join the program, a high school student would do some fun stuff with you every day after school. Every day when you finish with school the bus would take you for a five-minute ride to the high school where your high school buddy would meet you. You would take a little walk with your buddy. Your buddy would ask you how your day went and listen to you. Then both of you would do your homework together, and then you could play music together. Would that be fun?”

“Does my buddy play the piano?” asks June.

“Hmm, let me look on this list. We don’t have any piano players, but I see we have a seventeen-year old named Rachel who plays the guitar. She would love to do duets with you every day after school.”

“Really?! She’d be like a big sister!” June is clearly beginning to brighten up.

“The kids in the program usually love doing stuff together,” says Dr. Golden. “The nice thing about it is if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to go any more, or we can find someone else you can try working with.”

“Boy, I’d love to try something like that out! When can I start?!” A delightful smile is now gracing June’s lovely face.

Parable Discussion

As this Parable illustrates, in addition to children and teenagers getting into trouble with the law, there are others who need a different type of help than what can be accomplished by a weekly visit for counseling. Over the years that I worked with students, whenever I realized my services would not be enough, the eight interventions I thought about were:

Mentoring.
Intensive after-school supervision.
Activities designed for development and extensive practice in an area of interest.
The development of nurturing relationships between older and younger students.
Development of meaningful after school activities.
Homework coaching by high school and college students.
Teaching emotional intelligence and conflict resolution first to high school and college students who will then teach it to students at least four years younger.
Daily journal writing activities.

Implementing these interventions has proven to be very difficult within most communities. Let’s look at mentoring as an example.

A brief summary of the empirical evidence for mentoring can be described as follows. Tierney, Grossman, and Resch (1995) conclude that the mentored children they studied were 46 percent less likely than controls to initiate drug use during the study period; 27 percent less likely to initiate alcohol use; almost one-third less likely to hit someone; skipped half as many days of school; skipped fewer classes; and showed gains in their grade point average. Davidson and his colleagues (1987) have shown that a mentoring program in which college undergraduates were trained and supervised to be mentors of adjudicated delinquents reduced the chances that they would be again arrested by 34%, resulting in a savings of nearly $13,000 in criminal justice and victim cost per youth receiving the program.

Even though there is this extensive body of research indicating that mentoring is effective, programs carried out in the manner typical for a community only benefit the very few who get this service. Because of the shortage of available volunteers, in most cases it takes well over a year to match up a pair. Waiting lists tend to be very discouraging. Most families seeking a mentor do not receive help. By the time help arrives much damage has already needlessly occurred.

And so, how can a community provide all of the effective services that research studies indicate are effective in an affordable manner? The One-On-One Program, I believe is the answer.

How the One-On-One Program Would Work

The One-On-One Program begins with providing a semester course to high school and college students that provides lessons on basic counseling and how to teach conflict resolution skills. Those students who are successful in the course can apply for an internship. High school student interns earn a two-dollar an hour stipend, high school credit, and a recommendation from the program supervisor, while college student interns earn a four- dollar an hour stipend, college credit, and a recommendation from the program supervisor. Interns work one-on-one with students at least four years younger than they are after school daily from 3:00 to 6:00 p.m. at local high schools. Supervision is provided by mental health service providers and volunteer senior citizens. All interns and intern supervisors go through a background police check. The intern-younger student pair is matched through a survey indicating that they have similar interests and talents. Interns, when mentoring, participate in a credit bearing class designed to help them to resolve problems that arise when working with their younger partner.

Because interns will miss some days for sickness or personal reasons, three rovers per high school will come to work once a month in order to meet regularly with all of the younger partners. This allows the participants to feel more comfortable working with a rover whenever their buddies are absent. The three rovers are on call the rest of the month to fill in when needed.

Daily activities for each pair include:

1. a mile walk while the intern employs basic counseling skills of empathy and reflective listening,

2. participation in a mutually fun half hour activity, while a nutritious snack is provided,

3. forty-five minutes doing homework,

4. fifteen minutes of journal writing wherein the students write about pleasant experiences one day and distressing experiences on the next. For students who are not developmentally capable of writing journals, art activities designed to explore pleasant and unpleasant experiences are substituted,

5. a recreational activity mutually decided upon and designed to develop the interests and talents of both members of the intern-student pair,

6. since on Fridays whenever homework is given to a student it can be done later over the weekend, instead of using the usual forty-five minute homework period to do homework, a conflict resolution lesson is taught by the intern to the younger student.

The One-On-One Program Addresses Five Concerns

Lack of an adequate supply of mentors
Lack of adult supervision
Stigma
Placing at-risk kids together in interventions that makes a bad situation worse
Too costly for strapped community resources

Let’s take a closer look at these five concerns

Lack of an adequate supply of mentors. As mentioned above, in most communities there are far too few mentors who volunteer to help struggling children. The One-On-One Program provides three incentives beyond what is ordinarily offered to volunteers—a salary in the form of a stipend, course credits, and a recommendation from the program supervisor that can be used for future education and employment opportunities. In a survey that was conducted in Corning, New York to determine the viability of the One-On-One Program, 855 high school students and 490 Corning Community College students heard a description of the program and then anonymously filled out a questionnaire asking if they would agree to work toward becoming an intern if the program was now available. From these findings we can estimate that for every one thousand students, approximately 120 would agree to work toward becoming an intern. This number was very similar for both high school and college students. Keep in mind that not all students who begin the process of becoming an intern would successfully reach the point at which they would become an intern. Nevertheless, if even half succeeded, each community would be able to generate a group of several hundred mentors who would be willing to help provide extensive supervision after school let out.
Adequate adult supervision that allays express concerns by some community members. In contrast to the typical babysitting arrangement, the program would have two adult supervisors present at all times. Although an adult supervisor cannot be in sight of every student every minute, their role would be to keep circulating and popping up every few minutes. Student participants would be told that they could only go to certain areas of the high school that is designated as part of the program site, and at any minute a supervisor could appear. In focus groups, I found that community members felt that reasonable protection would be provided to all participants with this level of supervision.
Stigma. Some parents who participated in focus groups expressed a concern that if only “at-risk” students were to receive help from interns, all students involved in the program would become stigmatized as an “at-risk” youth. Other parents who did not have a child who was traditionally viewed as “at-risk” made the case that their children should have access to the intern services. Some said they would be willing to pay for this type of service out of their own pockets. These parents pointed out that their children come home from school and spend the entire time from three to six p.m. sitting in front of either the TV or computer watching violent shows or playing violent video games. With no exercise, they were becoming overweight and at risk of health problems. With the One-On-One Program, their children would get exercise, a structured time to get homework completed, help in developing a talent, instruction on conflict resolution, and real life social interactions. “Why shouldn’t these types of children also get help from the One-On-One Program?” some argued. To address these concerns, the design of the program was changed so that any family would be able to participate in the program by paying a sliding scale fee. The juvenile courts would pay for the cost of diverting appropriate youths from imprisonment, and special education departments would pay for students whenever their decision makers felt that such a program should be tried before students were placed in a special education class. It would remain confidential which students are subsidized in the program, and which pay a full fee, so that no one can assume participants are “troubled,” from low income families, or just desiring the fun of participating in the program. Although the program would have an open enrollment policy, principals, counselors, teachers, social workers, psychologists, police officers, parole offices and judges would be on the lookout for students who appear to be developing difficulties related to a lack of supervision and would refer them to the program.
Placing at-risk kids together in interventions makes a bad situation worse. Today, at-risk students are typically placed together to provide some intervention in a group, such as a special classroom, or a center for juvenile delinquents. These students then begin to encourage the other youths in the program to get into more and more trouble. Accumulating evidence has been demonstrating that such intervention programs indeed oftentimes increase delinquency, substance abuse, violence, and adult maladjustment. (Arnold, et al.1999; Dision, et al, 1999) The One-On-One Program avoids this problem by having the at-risk youth interact not with other at-risk kids, but an older trained intern.
Too costly for strapped community resources. Programs that have the at-risk youths interacting together are not only oftentimes less than effective, they are also oftentimes an expensive waste of money. The added cost of educating a student in a local “alternative” classroom or school is in excess of $13,000 per year. The cost of keeping a single child in a residential facility as a result of family or criminal court action can cost over $30,000 annually for a minimum-security group home, and over $300,000 for a maximum security facility. The cost of violence perpetrated by young people on other young people, as well as other populations, is not only enormous in financial terms, but devastating in social terms. To provide the level of services that the One-On-One program would provide (15 hours a week of direct one-on-one after-school supervision and 5 hours of planning, record keeping, and follow-up) would cost a minimum of $750 per week per child if a professional provided the mentoring. The One-On-One program, by utilizing instead trained high school students with professional supervision, would provide this intensive level of support for approximately $50 per week per student, a cost that many middle class parents would be able to afford to pay on their own. Trained college students would be able to provide this level of intensive support for approximately $110 per week. In a sense, these figures should really be thought of as $25 per week for high school interns and $60 per week for college interns because there really are two students benefitting whenever we provide a youth with an intern—the youth plus the intern. The intern benefits at least as much as the younger student. High school students, who are bored and can therefore get into trouble, are provided with a meaningful work experience. College students interested in careers as either teachers, police officers, counselors, social workers, psychologists, or psychiatrists, can get real on the job training. If the program prevents just a single person at each high school community from going into a maximum security residential program it would cover the entire community cost of the program for over 200 interns. It is highly likely that the community would actually save a great deal of money while providing a far more effective alternative to the current programs now available and needlessly placing children on psychiatric drugs.

References

Arnold, M.E. & Hughes, J.N. (1999). First do no harm: Adverse effects of grouping deviant youth for skills training, Journal of School Psychology, 37, 999-115.

Davidson, W. S.,Redner, R., Blakely, C. H.,Mitchell, C. M. & Emshorff, J. G. (1987). “Diversion of juvenile offenders: An experimental comparison,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55, 68-75.

Dision, T.J., McCord, J & Paulin, F. (1999). When interventions harm: peer groups and problem behavior,” American Psychologist, 54, 755-764.

Tierney, J. T., Grossman, J. B. & Resch, N. L. (1995) Making a difference: An impact study of Big Brothers/Big Sisters, Philadelphia: Public/Private Ventures.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags mental illness prevention, One-On-One Program, youth crime prevention

Bullied bullying conflict resolution The Cool Steve Trilogy

Cool Steve Faces a Bully

What is the best way to deal with a bully? In my Cool Steve Trilogy, the main character, Steve Marino, struggles with this problem. It initially comes up in the first of the three novels, A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, which is available for free as an ebook by clicking HERE. There, Steve, who is at this point in the trilogy, a mere 13 years old, has move to a new neighborhood in the middle of the school year, and on the first day at his new school the only thing going well is that he has met the strange and beautiful Mysterious Jane. Let’s take a little look at some of what happens.

Please keep in mind that important sections of how Steve begins to gain the respect of the students at school are left out of this little parable to keep the story fairly brief, but what is left brings up many of the essential issues that must be addressed if we are to wisely answer the question, What is the best way to deal with a bully?

Cool Steve Faces a Bully

Steve Marino, an eighth grader, has had to move to a new school in the middle of a school year because his father has gotten into trouble in his old neighborhood. On his first day at his new school, he enters his mechanical drawing class. He’s surprised to see Mysterious Jane. In his last school, there were no girls in his mechanical drawing class, and she’s the only one in this one.

Steve decides to take a seat next to her. As he sits down, he hears a kid to his right whisper to another, “Hey, the new kid’s picked the seat in front of Godzilla. This should be interesting!” Several kids start to laugh. Others have wide eyes of anticipation.

Steve glances back at who is sitting behind him and sees this monster of a student. Left back twice, and a grade ahead of Steve, Godzilla is well past his sixteenth birthday and huge for someone that age. Steve gives him a smile.

The teacher, Mr. Carmello, a big man with large shoulders and a slightly bent back, gives the class an assignment—they have to draw an engine block using a pencil, ruler, T-square, and protractor. Mr Carmello then pulls on the lapels of his well-worn gray sports jacket and cries out, “Let’s get to work!” and he begins clapping his hands like a baseball coach.

As Steve works on his project he bites on his lower lip. Aaaa, that angle looks pretty shoddy. I better erase it. Okay, slow up and get it right. Aaaa, it still looks like crap. Again he erases it. This time, ever so carefully, he tries again. Hey, that’s better.

About halfway into the class, someone in the hallway knocks on the classroom door.

“I’m going to have to step out for a minute,” says Mr. Carmello. “I expect everyone to act like adults.”

As soon as he leaves, Godzilla, the huge kid sitting behind Steve, reaches out and grabs Steve’s pencil. Upon the initial grab, the pencil digs into Steve’s paper. As Godzilla yanks the pencil toward his own project, Steve’s paper tears in half. Steve spins around and quickly sizes up Godzilla. If he goes right at him, he would be a feather colliding into a mountain. Steve screams in frustration, “Why did you grab my pencil?”

“Because da point broke on mine,” says Godzilla with a nasty smirk.

“There’s a pencil sharpener right over there!”

“Your pencil was closer,” Godzilla says, laughing.

Steve leaps up preparing to go at Godzilla. Godzilla leaps up, ready to counter-attack.

Steve, seeing Godzilla towering over him, becomes so frustrated he feels he’s going to explode. “I know I can’t take you in a fist fight,” Steve hollers, “but if you grab my pencil again I’m gonna hassle you for twenty-four hours. And I don’t care what you do to me—I’m gonna hassle you for twenty-four hours any way I can. I’m not looking for any trouble with you but I’m not gonna just sit here and take your crap!”

Then Godzilla spits in Steve’s face.

Steve grabs Godzilla’s assignment and begins to crumple it while attempting to dart down the desk aisle. Godzilla reaches out with his long arm and grabs Steve by the back of his neck with his huge hand.

Steve yanks his neck free, leaving two deep bloody scratches.

Several kids begin to yell, “Leave him alone, Godzilla! Mr. Carmello!!”

Steve runs down the aisle, leaping over one desk and heading toward the classroom door with Godzilla lumbering after him.

Just as Steve gets to the door, in walks Mr. Carmello who begins to scream, “What’s going on in here!”

* * *

Vice Principal Lantern, with his bright angry red face that matches his red hair, escorts Steve and Godzilla to the principal’s office. “You two are lucky I’m not going to handle this myself!” he hollers. “Since that student was killed, Mr. Imperiale insists on dealing directly with anyone who gets into a fight.”

“A student was killed?!” Steve exclaims.

“Quiet!” shouts Mr. Lantern. “Students are trying to learn.”

“A student was killed?” Steve repeats in a whisper. “What happened?”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss it.” Mr. Lantern replies.

Oh, this is just great! Steve thinks to himself as he’s walking down the long hallway. Just great! Marone, my neck is killing me!

When they arrive, the principal is in his inner office busy with someone. His secretary, as she adjusts a bobby pin in her hair bun, tells them to have a seat until he’s through.

“Excuse me,” says Steve to the secretary. “I have to go to the bathroom to wash my scratches.” Upon showing the secretary his bleeding neck, she grimaces and gives him permission.

When Steve gets to the bathroom, he takes off his one decent shirt. Spotting dried blood all over the collar, his face contorts. “It’s ruined. It’s ruined.” He turns the sink water on, looks at his neck in the mirror and begins to think about his first day at school—being put down at lunch because he’s on welfare, now this…well, Steve just can’t help it. He begins to cry.

* * *

Steve doesn’t cry for long, but it’s one of those cries that pours out of you leaving you feeling like something awful was released.

When Steve looks up, he gazes into the bathroom mirror for a long minute. Come on, I gotta get going, he says to himself. He shakes his head and begins washing. The warm water burns and the brown paper towels feel like sandpaper as he washes off the blood.

Slowly, Steve twists and turns to slip his shirt back on, struggling against the wrenching sharpness of his neck scratches. When his shirt is buttoned up, he sets his eyes for strength and determination.

* * *

Arriving back at the office, Steve sees that Godzilla is already in with the principal. The secretary tells Steve to have a seat until he’s called.

After a long uncomfortable wait, finally, Godzilla comes out of the principal’s office. As he passes Steve he whispers, “I’m gonna fix you good for this.”

“I ain’t looking for any trouble with you,” says Steve looking firmly into Godzilla’s eyes. “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone. But every time you fix me you’re gonna have to pay the price. Twenty-four hours. I’m gonna hassle you twenty-four hours. And I don’t care what you do to me. I’m not gonna just sit there and take your shit!”

“You watch your language young man!” the secretary hollers.

Godzilla, just about to respond to Steve, spots the principal coming out of his office. Quickly he puts on a smile and lumbers away.

* * *

“Step in here, young man,” the principal says in a deep voice as he points to the entrance of his office.

Steve slides his hands through his hair and complies.

“My name is Mr. Imperiale,” says the principal as he puts out his right hand. A heavy five o’clock shadow is already sprouting from his jowls, chin and upper lip even though it’s only a little past three.

“Mine’s Steve Marino,” Steve replies as he shakes hands with this symbol of authority.

“What happened in Mr. Carmello’s class?” Mr. Imperiale asks, examining Steve’s neck, his face contorting.

“I was working on my mechanical drawing assignment when the teacher had to go out in the hall. Then this Godzilla character, he grabs my pencil, and he just doesn’t grab it, but he digs it into my drawing, ruining it.”

“First of all,” says Mr. Imperiale, “the boy you had a fight with, his name is Warren, not Godzilla. He hates it when the other students call him Godzilla. Is that what you called him when he started in with you?”

“No!” answers Steve. “I just heard the other kids call him that.”

“Well, I don’t want to hear you referring to him anymore in any other way than Warren. Do you agree to that?”

“Sure, Mr. Imperiale. I ain’t looking for any trouble with anyone.”

“Go ahead, Steve finish telling me your side of the story.”

“Well, when he ruined my assignment and I asked him why he did it, he says it was because his pencil point broke. The way he said it and all, well, he had this smirk and I knew he was giving me a pile of…”

“Watch it young man!”

“Sorry. Anyways, I told this here Warren guy that if he hassles me again, I’m gonna hassle him for twenty-four hours any way I can, and then we’ll start over like nothing happened, even if I get the worse of the deal. Each time he hassles me, I’ll hassle back for twenty-four hours. I guess he didn’t like what I said because he spit in my face. So I grabbed his assignment and tore it up, and as I was trying to get away, he grabbed my neck.”

Mr. Imperiale rubs his chin. After a few moments, he says, “Where’d you get this idea about hassling someone for twenty-four hours and then letting the argument drop even if you get the worst of the deal?”

“It started with this motto I’d hear in the streets every now and then. It goes, ‘It doesn’t matter if you win or lose a fight as long as the guy who started it ends up knowing he was in one.’ I got the rest kinda from this cartoon I saw and from trying to deal with my brother Pete. In this cartoon there were these two families—the Hatfields and the McCoys. They lived in Appalachia and they were fighting for years, for generations even. Nobody even remembered what started the feud. But they kept fighting anyway—mothers, fathers, and children, generation after generation would be blown away. At some point you gotta stop. I figure twenty-four hours seems like a fair amount. Every time you try a truce, maybe the other guy goes for it. It’s worth a try. I mean even if you get the worst of the deal while you’re feuding, it’s worth a try because, well, first of all, by then the guy who started it knows you gave him some trouble—and also because I personally got better things to do than feud, capeesh?”

“I capeesh,” says Mr. Imperiale.

“Another way I got the idea was from my brother, Pete. Even though I’m a lot bigger than Pete, I learned it pays to get along with him because he can do little things to me that’s more of a hassle than a punch in the nose. Like, he’ll start screaming when I’m watching my favorite TV program and if I twist his arm till he swears he’ll stop, two minutes later he’s making a racket with his train set. Before I know it, I’ve missed my whole show. Anyway, I’ve learned that being a lot bigger than a guy doesn’t mean you don’t have to get along with him.

“Hmm, very interesting,” says Mr. Imperiale. “Steve, your plan has some merit to it. But it also has an element of serious risk. There are some people who would seriously hurt you—even kill you—rather than settle peacefully. The sacrifice you make in waging a conflict might not be worth a fair settlement. Choose your fights carefully, Steve. Choose by weighing the good things and bad things about one plan and then contrast these with that of other plans. For example, your plan, in some ways, is kind of a ‘get back’ plan. That is, if a guy does something bad to you, you try to get back at him by doing something bad to him. Your plan does have two rather original elements. You let the other guy know you’ll leave him alone if he leaves you alone. You then let the other guy know you will only hassle him for twenty-four hours and then you’ll return to peace. Let’s look at the pros and cons of this.”

Then Mr. Imperiale pulls his seat around so it is side by side with Steve’s. He takes out a pen and begins writing.

PLAN 1 (Steve’s ‘get back’ strategy)

Pro

Con

1. Steve can bring about a desired change even with kids much bigger than him.

1. It takes time and energy to do bad things to someone for twenty-four hours.

2. There is a chance of peace every twenty-four hours.

2. Steve got spit on.

3. Some kids will be discouraged from hassling Steve because they wouldn’t want to pay his price.

3. Steve got his neck scratched.

4. Some kids will respect Steve because he stood up to somebody much bigger than him.

4. Warren can do other bad things to Steve in the future

5. Some people, when threatened, would seriously hurt Steve, maybe even kill him.

After making this list, the principal says, “Let’s consider another plan. I think Warren started in with you because he knew you’re new here. Without friends to back you up, he thought he could get on your case without any problems. What do you think might have happened if you would have waited until you made friends here at Cunningham before taking any action to deal with Warren?”

Mr. Imperiale and Steve make a list that looks like this.

PLAN 2 (Put off action to deal with Warren until Steve makes friends.)

Pro

Con

1. Steve’s neck probably wouldn’t have been scratched.

1. Steve would have still lost his pencil.

2. Steve might not have gotten spit on.

2. Steve’s project would have still been ruined.

3. Steve would be home now instead of staying after school.

3. Warren could do other bad things to Steve.

4. In time, Steve could get enough friends to discourage Warren from hassling him.

4. Steve wouldn’t get as much respect from kids as a ‘get back’ strategy. (Though some kids might have lost respect for Steve because they might have thought he was pretty stupid to start a fight with Warren.)

“I’m not going to ask you to decide now which plan is the better,” says Mr. Imperiale. “Just think about it over the next few days, okay?”

“Sure.”

Now Mr. Imperiale turns very serious. “Steve, students who need to prove they’re real men by starting fights with other students don’t stay long in this school. I’m not going to put up with that kind of behavior. The community has decided that this school is to be for students who want to get an education. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Steve nods. Then Mr. Imperiale smiles and shakes Steve’s hand.

* * *

Warren, the boy that the kids at school call Godzilla, gets suspended from school for a week because he started the fight with Steve. On the day he returns to school, Steve is nervous about meeting up with him. When the bell rings to go to his mechanical drawing class, he leaps up two flights of stairs, and then hurries down a hallway lined with student art. When he steps into class, he eyes the situation. Warren is already at his seat. His teacher, Mr. Carmello, is by his desk rubbing his mustache.

“Excuse me, Mr. Carmello,” says Steve. “Let me have a minute to talk to Warren alone out in the hall.”

“I’m not letting you two alone. What? So you can get into another fight. You’re crazy. Go take your seat.”

“I don’t want to fight him,” Steve replies. “I just gotta talk with him, for a minute. Please.”

Mr. Carmello fiddles with his moustache as he considers the situation. “Warren,” he says after a few seconds, “Steve Marino over here, he says he wants to talk with you out in the hall. You want to talk to him?”

“I don’t care,” Warren answers with a tough snarl.

Mr. Carmello fiddles some more with his moustache for a few seconds. Then he pulls on the lapels of his worn gray sports jacket, clears his voice with a throaty—”Ah, hum,” and proclaims his decision. “Steve, Warren, I’ll let you two talk outside the classroom but with the door open. Both of you are to stay at all times in my sight. I’ll be watching through the doorway, but you can stand far enough away so you can have some privacy. If I hear your voices shouting or you get into a fight, you’ll just have to go immediately to the principal’s office.”

Outside in the hall, alone with Warren, Steve paces back and forth several times and then he looks up and says: “Listen, Warren, I’m stuck. My neck is still killing me. You’re twice my size. What would you do if a guy twice your size started to hassle you?”

Warren pulls his head back and his pupils, wide and open, glare into Steve’s eyes. He firmly makes an X with his arms in front of his chest while his hands grasp his shoulders. “You askin’ me?”

“Yeah, I’d like your opinion.”

“I guess… well… well I guess I like yer plan a little,” Warren answers haltingly. “I mean dat plan of yours… you know… where ya hassle somebody fer twenty-four hours. It might work wit’ some guys. It’d probably’d ov worked wit’ me ‘cause I really don’t wanna go ta no 600 school. Ya gotta take a train dere. And Mr. Imperiale, he ain’t just threatenin’ ta send me dere neither. He’d really do it ‘cause I seen him do it ta t’ree udduh kids since I’ve been heah. So yer plan might ‘ov worked wit’ me, and maybe wit’ some udduh kids too. But you do it wit’ some udduh kids—ye’re dead. Like wit’ Harold an’ Anita’s gang, the Skull Bones. Dis guy, Gary, stood up ta dem an’ ended up da next day stabbed ta death in an alley. What are ya gonna do when ya meet up wit’ dem, Steve? Huh? And yer gonna meet up wit’ dem. Everyone ‘round heah gets shit from dem. What are ya gonna do den, Steve? Huh?”

Steve has no answer. He just gets quiet and then says softly, “I heard about some teenager recently getting killed around here but this stuff about Harold and Anita’s gang, I don’t know nothing about them. All I know is I’m not looking for any trouble from you.” Then he looks into Warren’s eyes and offers him his right hand. Warren looks into Steve’s eyes, and growls, “I ain’t shakin’ ya hand yet. Ya treat me wit’ respect and maybe den.”

“That seems fair, Warren,” Steve says. “Is there anything else you want to say to me.”

“Just don’t mess wit’ me.”

“OK.”

Discussion

Well, that’s my parable for today. By presenting it to you, I don’t mean to suggest that Steve handled this situation perfectly. The story is designed to highlight many of the issues that come up in these types of situations, and to be part of the process that urges us to continue the discussions about how to handle bullying in our schools and in other parts of our communities. I urge readers to add their two cents to the discussion by posting your comments below.

And, with that, here’s hoping you join us again real soon right here at From Insults to Respect. Until then, may you find, and may you give, some kindness throughout this holiday season, and beyond.

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Tags bullies, bully, bullying, The Cool Steve Stories

conflict resolution Depression Emotional pain Laren Stover melancholy psychiatry psychopathology sadness William James

Is Depression an Illness?

Since as far back as she can remember, Carla, 19-years-old, has been having periods during which she has waves of deeply sad feelings. She has family members who say that depression runs in their family, and she should see a psychiatrist for treatment. So, off she goes, and after a few questions, the psychiatrist declares she has a mental illness called Major Depressive Disorder. Carla is prescribed pills referred to as antidepressants.

She soon feels a little better, but begins to experience a number of side effects, among them, her sex drive is diminished. Her boyfriend soon breaks up with her, and she has a new bout with sadness. Her doctor increases her dose of pills, and adds some additional ones as well, which seems to work. But in time, new waves of sadness occur, so she goes back to the doctor. He now sets her up with a series of electroconvulsive shock treatments, which her doctor calls Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). Her memory begins to suffer, but after each series she does feel her mood rise.

Some who know Carla, respect her for facing the fact that she has a mental illness and is seeking sound medical advice to have it treated. Others who know her, upon seeing her turning to pills and ECT, regard her as foolish and lose respect for her.

In contrast to how Carla construes her waves of deeply sad feeling, some view it as an artistic temperament, and learn to appreciate these visits of melancholy as something of extraordinary value. Thus, in an earlier post titled William James’s Personal Bout With a “Mental Disorder,” we looked at how the brilliant psychologist and philosopher came to view his “bass notes of experience.” On this subject, he wrote that many so called “healthy-minded” individuals believe that those who worry are “morbid-minded” and “diseased,” but it may very well be true that “the world’s meaning most comes home to us when we lay them most to heart.” He went on to write that,

“there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Recently in the New York Times I met up with another writer who genuinely appreciates periods of sadness.

In an article titled “The Case for Melancholy,” Ms. Laren Stover weaves a very different perspective from Carla, the individual I described at the start of this post who has an image of herself as a “sufferer of mental illness, and a consumer of antidepressants and ECT.”

Ms. Stover, after telling us of her weariness of all those folks on the internet promising to show us how to be delightfully happy in just a few short steps, writes:

“Whatever happened to experiencing the grace of melancholy, which requires reflection: a sort of mental steeping, like tea? What if all this cheerful advice only makes you feel inadequate? What if you were born morose?”

It is of course not alway easy to bear these experiences, but one can begin to observe the beauty of it:

“It visits you like a mist, a vapor, a fog. It is generally uninvited. And as some people are born into royalty, wealth and prestige, others inherit a disposition for sadness.”

Notice how Ms. Stover pairs this experience with images of being born into royalty, wealth and prestige. In contrast, the mental illness promoters would much prefer to have us associate such experiences with being stuck with an awful disease we can only learn to manage with psychiatric drugs and, if that doesn’t prove sufficient, ECT.

Laren continues to weave her artistic images of melancholy with such words as:

“Sadness has a bad reputation. But I soon came to feel that melancholy — the word itself is late Latin from the Greek melancholia — is a word with a romantic Old World ring, with a transient beauty like the ring around the moon.”

And in another fine phrase, she tells us:

“it is fine to indulge in the cloudy charms of melancholy: to watch a sad black-and-white movie or to be swept away by the wind making a sound that Truman Capote described as a grass harp.”

My favorite line in Ms. Stover’s article is actually a quote from her late father, a writer who published 24 books, and apparently also dealt with the many challenges of melancholy: “I don’t know if you’ll be a writer,” he tells his daughter, ” but you have the ‘up down’ thing too. Make creative use of it, otherwise, people will think you’re just plain nuts.”

In our society, with its commercials every few minutes on TV telling us of all of the wonderful benefits of treating the terrible disease of depression with drugs, it is not easy to come to the artistic temperament point of view. And there are many good people that you will meet who genuinely believe that they have been saved from the depths of despair by doctors who utilize the medical model. If you choose to follow them down that road, I do wish you well. I have no desire to stop people from following the path that makes the most sense to them.

But for those who have not made their decision on what direction to head questionably into that dark night, I do gently ask for a momentary pause. Yes, in the physical illness domain, many medical procedures produce amazing outcomes. And it is therefore understandable that people will be eager to seek help from those who practice this medical approach to help in the domain of psychological distress. But it is worth noting that doctors can be terribly wrong at times. In the same issue of The New York Times as Ms. Stover’s article appears, we can find an article titled “How Doctors Helped Drive the Addiction Crisis.” It points out that,

OxyContin’s long-acting formulation makes it popular but also prone to abuse.

“The rate of death from prescription opioids in the United States increased more than fourfold between 1999 and 2010, dwarfing the combined mortality from heroin and cocaine. In 2013 alone, opioids were involved in 37 percent of all fatal drug overdoses.

Driving this opioid epidemic, in large part, is a disturbing change in the attitude within the medical profession about the use of these drugs to treat pain.”

A recent scientific analysis of the pros and cons of the so-called antidepressant, titled “Primum Non Nocere: An Evolutionary Analysis of Whether Antidepressants Do More Harm Than Good“ concludes:

We have reviewed a great deal of evidence of the effects of antidepressants on serotonergic processes throughout the body. Some of the effects are widely known, but they have been largely ignored in debates about the utility of antidepressants. Indeed, it is widely believed that antidepressant medications are both safe and effective; however, this belief was formed in the absence of adequate scientific verification. The weight of current evidence suggests that, in general, antidepressants are neither safe nor effective; they appear to do more harm than good.

Recent findings with regards to the previous standard medical recommendations for breast cancer and prostate screenings now indicate they led to far more harm than good for millions of patients.

And so, pausing, and considering an alternative way to think about melancholy may be well worth your while. If you feel you just can’t go it alone, meditation has been an enormous help for me in discovering a deeper understanding of these experiences. My son, Jack, has found his Vipassana meditation retreat experiences of enormous value, and the cost for these retreats is on a voluntary donation basis. Some counselors and psychotherapists who have not fallen hook, line and sinker into the medical model view of these types of challenging experiences, can be of great help to make the transition from ugliness to beauty.

Well, I hope this discussion has deepened the reader’s views of melancholy, sadness and tears. Until you join us again right here at “From Insults to Respect,” may all of your concerns be addressed with wisdom, love, and kindness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Depression, Laren Stover, melancholy, mental illness, sadness, William James

child discipline conflict management conflict resolution criticism interpersonal conflicts social and emotional skills learning student discipline student insubordination

On Slamming Insubordinate Student Down

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 1, 2015
6 Comments on On Slamming Insubordinate Student Down

By now, most of you have repeatedly seen the shaky video that shows a police officer grabbing an insubordinate sixteen-year-old female student, Shakara, who is sitting at her desk (see HERE). When the officer’s hand is very close to the student’s throat, she hits at his arm. The officer then flips her over and flings her to the front of the classroom.

The student reportedly refused to put away her cell phone and then refused to leave the class after repeatedly being ordered to do so. Subsequently, the police officer was fired for using inappropriate force and because his maneuver violated department policy and training.

The Media’s Criticism

Numerous media commentators expressed outrage at what had occurred, but none that I’m aware of provided a detailed description of what would have been a better way to handle such events. For example, a Washington Post story, penned by its editorial board, states:

There is no question the young girl involved in the incident was wrong in allegedly refusing the teacher’s request to stop using her phone, and in not leaving the classroom when asked. But there are methods short of slapping on handcuffs available to schools for dealing with disrespectful children. Not only does this girl now face criminal charges that could dog her for the rest of her life, but a classmate who recorded the incident on her cellphone was arrested as well.

The principal’s office — not a police station — is where both should have ended up, and it is hard not to suspect that that would have been the outcome had the offending students been white. That underscores the need for school officials everywhere to take a hard look at their disciplinary systems for bias and put in place practices that make schools safe, and also inclusive, for all students.

Notice that the editorial advocates that this issue is best handled in the principal’s office. But what if the student is refusing to go there, as is apparently alleged in this case?

In an earlier post on this blog, I advocated that an essential feature of mature criticism is that it is provided with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. I have not found, even after an hour of scanning the various media reports and editorials about this disturbing incident that, in my opinion, adequately provides a description of what would be a better response than what actually occurred. So, in this post, I’ll try to model a more mature form of criticism.

An Example of Being Specific and Practical When Providing Criticism

The first step, in my opinion, is to clarify what happened because there are some conflicting reports. According to Shakara’s attorney, Todd Rutherford, she had obeyed orders to put her cellphone away, and the dispute arose because she did not put it away fast enough. He went on to say, “She wasn’t yelling. She wasn’t disrupting the class. She wasn’t a threat to anyone.”

Another female student in the class reported that her classmate had her cellphone in math class. “She just had it out. She wasn’t talking or anything.”

In contrast to these two reports, the Washington Post reported school officials alleged that Shakara refused to stop using her phone which can be viewed as disturbing the class. Other media outlets specifically used the word disturbing the class as a reason for the occurrence. For example, according to a report by WISTV.COM,

“The student was told she was under arrest for disturbing school and given instructions which she again refused,” Lott [Richland County Sheriff] said.

Just what was meant, specifically, by the phrase “disturbing the class” was not made clear. So, given these somewhat contrasting descriptions, I’ll first provide criticism that specifically lays out an alternative way to handle a situation in which the student is violating a specific school rule but is not disrupting the ongoing classroom lesson. Then we’ll turn to an alternative way to handle a situation in which the student is violating a specific school rule and is disturbing the ongoing classroom lesson.

Example 1: In the event that the school had a policy that all cell phones are to be off and out of sight whenever a class is in session, as is true in my local school district, and a student is violating this rule without disturbing the class lesson, here is my suggestion for a response that would be, in my opinion, a distinct improvement over what apparently took place:

Teacher to Shakara: “There is a school rule that all phones are to be off and out of sight, Shakara. Please make sure your phone is shut off and place it out of sight.

Shakara, not complying, says, “The rule is unfair.”

Teacher to Shakara: In a pleasant, authoritative (in contrast to an authoritarian) tone of voice, “If you believe a school rule is unfair, there are some things that you can do that won’t land you in trouble for being insubordinate. You can make an appointment with me and the principal, and if you would like, you can also bring to the meeting your parents and some other advocates with you, to make your case. There are groups of lawyers from the Legal Aid Society and perhaps the American Civil Liberties Union that might want to help you to change something you feel is unfair. If you are dissatisfied with what occurs at that meeting, you can work your way up the chain of command, setting up a meeting next with the district superintendent, and then, after that, to the Board of Education, and then into the civil court system. You have a perfect right to try to change rules like this, and I think it would be educational for you to consider doing this. However, if you want to try to change the rule by being insubordinate in class, as long as you are not disruptive, we’ll get on with the class. Afterwards, you will not be able to return to class until your parents are called, and you and they attend a meeting. At that meeting, you will have an opportunity to explain your position. Then the school principal will decide what other consequences you will have to face for being insubordinate. Now, do you, or any other students in the class have any questions about this?”

After answering any questions, the teacher would then ask politely, “Shakara, I am now giving you your choice, either shut off your phone and put it out of sight, or face the insubordinate charge.”

If the student doesn’t comply, the teacher would then continue with the class lesson as long as the student does not disturb the rest of the curriculum’s lesson, and then, after the class has ended, she would report the insubordination to the principal.

I have timed how long this would take–approximately two minutes if the student or students don’t have any questions, and maybe another two or three minutes to answer a few questions. Compare that to the time that is now being spent by local officials because of this event.

Example 2: In the event that the student is acting in a way that is disturbing the curriculum lesson, the teacher would first use the above approach. If the student decides to continue to disturb the class lesson, the teacher would sit by the student and say in a caring, concerned manner, “You are taking learning time away from your fellow students, Shakara. You now have an insubordination charge to deal with. You are making choices that are not fair to the other students in the class who want to be prepared to pass tests at the end of the year. Is everything ok? Why are you acting like this?” The teacher would listen to the student. If she continues to remain uncooperative, the teacher would then say in a calm tone of voice, “I am now going to call an administrator to come to the class to help us out with this.”

When the administrator comes, he or she would say, “Let’s not take any more learning time away from your classmates, Shakara. I want you to come with me to the office, and we’ll try to work this out.”

If the student refuses to go with the administrator, the administrator would then call the school’s resource officer, and when he or she arrives, the administrator would tell the teacher to take the rest of the class to the library and to continue the lesson there. Shakara would be told to stay in the class until the rest of the class is gone.

If she was to try to leave with her class, the administrator and officer would gently block her from leaving, without putting any hands on her, just moving their bodies in between her and the door. Hopefully both would have had some training to do this. While doing this, Shakara would be informed that if she attempts to lay any hands on either the administrator or the officer while trying to leave, she will be risking an assault charge that can lead to her being arrested.

If she does indeed choose to physically attack either school official, another set of officers would be called, and she would then be arrested. From my experience as someone who worked for thirty years in schools, at a juvenile correctional facility, and a child psychiatric center, in the presence of an administrator, the school officer, and two other police back-up officers, it is extremely unlikely that Shakara would have resisted arrest under this set of circumstances. If she does resist, she would be subjected to a physical arrest that follows standard police practice.

In the event that Shakara does not begin to physically attack those who are blocking her path to leave, once the other students have left the class, the administrator would sit beside her and ask softly, and in a concerned, caring manner, “Are you ok?” He or she would listen, using reflective listening skills aimed at de-escalating the conflict. When the student has calmed down and shared her side of what happened, the administrator would say, “The rules of the school now require that we go to my office, and I’m to call your parents. Take your time. When you are ready to go with me to my office, we’ll do so.”

I have found that once the student’s peers are no longer present, face saving variables are dramatically reduced. The student quickly settles down and readily agrees to go to the office.

Conclusion

I am not trying to take the position that the approaches that I described as helpful alternatives are the only reasonable courses of action, or the best alternative. I encourage readers of this blog to make other suggestions. My larger point is that the details of my proposals well match the higher levels of mature criticism, in that they provide enough details so that those who are criticized can, in a practical manner, utilize the criticism if they choose to do so.

With that, I invite you to join us again real soon here at From Insults to Respect. Have a great week!

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Tags conflict management, conflict resolution, dispute management, negative criticism, school discipline, student insubordination

conflict resolution criticism Disagreements incivility at work insults Levels of Maturity Stephen Colbert Supreme Cort Justices Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer

Supreme Court Justices Dealing with Their Disagreements

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 23, 2015
No Comments on Supreme Court Justices Dealing with Their Disagreements

On this blog, we have been discussing the question, “Is it possible that there are immature and mature ways to handle our disagreements?” To help answer this question, I have, very tentatively, proposed five levels of maturity for providing criticism (see here) and five levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see here and here).

In defending these levels of maturity, I have pointed out that I have made videotapes of individuals acting out scenarios in which they portray characters who are dealing with disagreements. In some, the actors use a style that match the more immature levels, and in others, they use a style that match the more mature levels. I have found that independent viewers of these videotapes tend to rate the actors as more likable and respected when they displayed a style that match the descriptions of the higher levels of maturity.

I have used some other arguments, as well. For example, I asked people to consider the golden rule, and then ask themselves, “When I criticize someone, how would I like the other party to ideally respond?” Most people clearly prefer that the other party would respond in a manner that is very consistent with the higher levels of maturity that I have outlined on this blog.

As I continue to write about these issues, I’m always on the lookout for other ways to bring home the idea that there are indeed mature and immature ways to provide and respond to criticism.

Supreme Court Justice Breyer Interview with Stephen Colbert

Well, with this in mind, recently I happened to be watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and he had as a guest, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. The two got to discussing how the justices deal with their own disagreements, and as it turned out, it seems to me that it is relevant to the maturity discussion. After all, supreme court justices are selected from among the most highly regarded judges in our land, and they surely get plenty of practice dealing with disagreements. So, for your consideration, here’s the transcript of the Late Show discussion (For those who would like to see the entire exchange themselves, it can be viewed on Youtube here).

The Late Show Discussion Between Colbert and Supreme Court Justice Breyer

Colbert: Let’s talk about disagreeing. You go to work everyday, and manage to get your job done with a group of nine people, half of whom disagree with you vehemently on a host of different issues. How do you guys manage to keep doing your job while the rest of the government can’t?

Justice Breyer: When we are sitting around that table, well, I don’t know about, let’s leave the rest of the government out of it, but I’ll say that when the rest of us are sitting around that table discussing, the nine of us discussing, I’ve been there over 20 years, 21, I have never heard a voice raised in anger, I have never heard one member of our court say something insulting about another, not even as a joke. Of course we disagree. We disagree about half the time; we’re unanimous about half the time; and we’re 5 to 4, and it’s not always the same 4, maybe 20 percent or so, and we feel it possibly quite strongly, but the discussion is professional, it is serious, but it is not personal, and we are good friends despite the fact that we agree some of the time and we disagree others of the time.

How Does Supreme Court Justice Breyer’s Description of How the Members of the Court Handle Their Disagreements Match this Blog’s Description of Mature Ways to Deal with Disagreements?

On this blog, one of the most mature ways to provide criticism is described as follows:

The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

One of the most mature ways to respond to criticism, as described on this blog is:

People at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Obviously Justice Breyer’s comment about his court’s style of dealing with disagreements was brief. When you are on a show like The Late Show, it is understandable that replies to questions must be fairly brief, and in a conversational manner. So, we can’t say with certainty that his response is a perfect match with this blog’s description of a mature style. But note that in over 20 years, despite regularly disagreeing with one another, he never heard a voice raised in anger, or heard one member of our court say something insulting about another, not even as a joke. And he mentioned, as well, that they are all good friends. This seems an excellent match with the phrase in this blog’s description of a mature response to criticism that states, “People at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style.”

In my view, the way Justice Breyer describes the style used by the Supreme Court Justices to discuss their disagreements is well worth thinking about as we think about our own style for discussing disagreements.

Well, those are some thoughts for today. May all of my readers have a wonderful week, and here’s to hoping you’ll join us again real soon on “From Insults to Respect.”

Jeff

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Tags criticism, Disagreements, dispute management, psychological maturity, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, Supreme Court Justices

Bob Dylan conflict conflict resolution The devil

Bob Dylan On the Devil

Well, once again I decided to listen to one of Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour shows. This time his topic was the devil.

The show begins with stirring music that sounds like an enormous storm is moving in, and then Bob says, “This is Theme Time Radio Hour and there’s hell to pay.” He then launches into a reading of a little section of John Milton’s, Paradise Lost.

“Him, the almighty power,
Hurled headlong, flaming through the etherial sky,
With hideous ruin and combustible, down.
To bottomless perdition, there to dwell
In adamantine chains and penal fire,
Who durst defy the Omnipotent to arms.”

Soon after this, Bob introduces his first song:

“We’re going to start things off with Robert Johnson, a man who they say knew a little bit about the Prince of Darkness. According to legend, Robert Johnson made a deal with the devil at the crossroad of highway 61 and Highway 41 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. He traded his soul. That’s what they say. This is his song, ‘Me and The Devil Blues.'”

Playing a twangy guitar, Johnson begins, “Early this morning, me and the devil been walking side by side.” The song goes on from here to tell us about a guy thinking of beating his wife for not doin’ him right. Meanwhile, she can’t believe he’d do something like that, so she ends up blaming “that old evil spirit, so deep down in the ground.”

After the Robert Johnson song, Bob plays us “Satan is Real” by the Louvin Brothers. The singer seeks to convince us of the existence of the evil one with the following story:

“I know that Satan is real, for once I had a happy home;
I was loved and respected by my family, I was looked upon as a leader in my community,
And then, Satan came into my life.
I grew selfish and un-neighborly; my friends turned against me,
And finally, my home was broken apart; my children took their paths into a world of sin.”

I know that some might think this man would be better off taking responsibility for the life path he took, but he prefers to blame it all on Satan. I wonder if his approach helps him to gain respect for himself and from others.

A little later in the show, we hear the Grateful Dead’s “Friend of the Devil,” Elvis Presley’s “Devil in Disguise,” and Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys’ “The Devil Ain’t Lazy.” Then Bob tells us:

“It says in first Peter, Chapter 5, verse 8, ‘Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary is a roaring lion that walketh about seeking whom he may devour.’ Or, as they also say, ‘Idle hands are the devil’s playground.'”

Among the acts that get blamed on the devil in the next few songs Bob plays on his show are, telling dirty lies, vanity, leaving a lover after making a commitment, not heeding the drunkard’s call, loving you when I should hate you, and strutting with a blue dress, high heel shoes, and an alligator purse.

At one point, Bob provides us a couple of relevant quotes by a couple of famous people:

“Oscar Wilde once said, ‘We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ Otis Span said, ‘the devil could be anything from soups to nuts.”

The last song played on this show is Tom Waits’s “Way Down in the Hole,” which Bob says is “Low on schmaltz and a real show-stopper, not pullin’ any punches.” Here’s some of its lyrics:

don’t pay heed to temptation
for his hands are so cold
you gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole

Bob closes his show with these words:

“Now it’s time to climb out of the hole with the devil and shut the door on another Theme Time Radio Hour. We’re gonna leave you now with the words of George Harrison who said, ‘Gossip is the devil’s radio.’ I don’t know about that, but I hope Theme Time Radio Hour is your radio. We’ll see you next week as sure as hell.”

Conclusion

Well that’s my post for today. Until next time, I hope you spend some time thinking about what it means to have conflicting desires; why we, and others, sometimes act in ways that interfere with values many of us hold dear; and, when we do such acts, is it wiser to take responsibility for our own actions or to blame it on the devil?

My Best,

Jeff

———————————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Bob Dylan, conflict, The devil, Theme Time Radio Hour

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Einstein and the Nature of Blame, Guilt, Responsibility, and Respect

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 8, 2015
6 Comments on Einstein and the Nature of Blame, Guilt, Responsibility, and Respect

In our society, the idea of self-reliance is often viewed positively. And yet, it is our nature to benefit in numerous ways from others. As Albert Einstein beautifully articulated in a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos:

Einstein in his later years

“From the standpoint of daily life…there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men–above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow-men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received. My peace of mind is often troubled by the depressing sense that I have borrowed too heavily from the work of other men.” (p. 3)

Despite all that we benefit from the lives of other human beings, there are times when we come into conflict with them. How we handle conflicts can have an enormous effect on how much respect we have for ourselves, and others have for us.

An important step toward learning how to better handle conflicts, is to come to understand more precisely than most people what a conflict is. This will lead to a deeper understanding of how conflicts are connected to blame, guilt, and responsibility, and how this understanding can be used in a practical manner. We’ll then return to the example of Einstein, looking at how he utilized the skills that were discussed today, and how this led to the high degree of respect that millions have long had for him.

What is a Conflict?

According to the DIG CONFLICT MODEL that we have been utilizing on this blog, From Insults to Respect, a conflict occurs when the following three conditions occur:

Party A desires an act will occur.
Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire.
Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third. If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The word “DIG” provides us a way to remember a technique to quickly and succinctly describe a conflict. First, we describe the “desire,” then the “interference,” and then the “guilt” condition.

The DIG model is also helpful because sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage. In earlier posts we looked at examples that illustrated using these ideas, and in one particular post we focussed particularly on ways to change the guilt condition (see here).

Since I wrote that post, I received some feedback indicating that there is some confusion about the nature of blame, guilt, and responsibility. Thus, today I shall undertake an effort to reduce this confusion, and then relate this understanding to respect.

Blame, Guilt, and Responsibility

Why does Lucy, in this comic, go out of her way to get people she knows to absolve her of all blame regardless of what happens? Here’s my take on this.

The word, blame, has a variety of meanings. So, to avoid confusion, on this blog when we are discussing the DIG Conflict Model we’ll be sticking to one particular meaning, e.g., “When a person blames someone, that person has the belief that someone is guilty of doing something wrong and deserves some type of punishment.”

Punishment is typically not a pleasant experience to undergo. In the above comic, perhaps Lucy wants to avoid punishment by absolving herself from blame.

According to the DIG Conflict Model, when someone has a conflict with you, or you have a conflict with yourself, part of what is going on is that the person who has a conflict with you believes that if you carry out the interfering act you would be guilty of being wrong, and therefore you would deserve to be punished. If you can transform that guilt into something other than guilt, it would eliminate one of the essential conditions of a conflict and thus resolve it.

One way to transform guilt, is to take responsibility for what went wrong. When we do so, we have some of the same very strong feelings that go along with guilt, but rather than believing punishment is the proper response, another is offered; we admit that we played at least a part in what went wrong, and then make it clear that we will take steps to improve our actions in the future. The genuine feeling that comes with taking responsibility, leads us to do a search for improvements.

What are the benefits that come from resolving a conflict in this way? There are many, but on this blog we’re all about how to transform insults into respect, so let’s focus just on this issue.

The Benefits of Transforming Guilt into Responsibility, and then, into Respect

David Coleman is a Senior Research Fellow at the National Security Archive. His most recent book is The Fourteenth Day: JFK and the Aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

From his research, David found that President John F. Kennedy enjoyed very high public approval ratings compared with most modern presidents. Over the whole of his presidency, Kennedy averaged a 70.1 percent approval rating, comfortably the highest of any post-World War II president. By comparison, the average for all presidents between 1938 and 2012 is 54 percent.

On April 17th, 1961, Kennedy ordered what became known as the “Bay of Pigs Invasion”: 1,500 U.S.-trained Cubans, called “Brigade 2506”, landed on the island in an attempt to overthrow the country’s dictator, Fidel Castro. The plan failed within three days.

By April 19, 1961, the Cuban government had captured or killed the invading exiles, and Kennedy was forced to negotiate for the release of the 1,189 survivors. After twenty months, Cuba released the captured exiles in exchange for $53 million worth of food and medicine.

When the invasion had failed, many felt Kennedy was guilty of doing something terribly wrong, and more than a few insults were being hurled at him. However, when he went before the press, he took responsibility for the failure, and pledged to take several specific steps to make sure that what happened would never happen again. Immediately afterwards his approval rating spiked, going up to 83 percent, the highest level of his presidency.

From my own experience, I have learned that using a similar type of response can be very helpful. When I find that someone has a conflict with me because of something that I have done, I have often been able to turn those angry feelings that come along with a conflict into a respectful resolution by making it clear that I recognize my responsibility in what happened and I plan to take some action to improve.

Back to Einstein

Returning to Einstein, let us ask, what was it about this man who lived many years ago and somehow still captures the respectful imagination of so many of us? Surely, his awe-inspiring achievements in science is a major reason for this. But today, I would like to ask whether it has, as well, something to do with his profound sense of responsibility to his fellow human beings, a sense of responsibility that led him to set aside, for periods of time, his passionate interest in his research so that he might speak out against injustice, and to put forth his vision for a more peaceful world.

Tags Albert Einstein, blame, conflict management, conflict resolution, DIG Conflict Model, guilt, John F. Kennedy, responsibility

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Abusive Criticism In Big Time Sports

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 30, 2015
No Comments on Abusive Criticism In Big Time Sports

It’s the bottom of the eighth inning. The talented star, Bryce Harper, front runner for the National League Most Valuable Player Award, hits a pop fly to left field that a professional outfielder is very likely to catch. However, there are times when such fielders do lose the ball in the sun or the stadium lights, and the ball ends up being dropped, allowing the batter to safely reach base if he had bothered to run. It is for this reason that Mr. Harper is supposed to hustle down to first base even if he has a pretty good reason to think that the ball he hit is, in all likelihood, going to be caught. Instead of sprinting down to first, Mr. Harper slowly steps out of the batter’s box and then heads to the dugout where he runs into a very angry teammate, Jonathan Papelbon.

According to several sports reporters, Mr. Papelbon, an incredibly talented pitcher, began to criticize Mr. Harper about his lack of hustle, and after a very brief exchange, he charged into Mr. Harper, putting his hands on his throat and shoving him into the back wall of the Washington dugout. Fortunately, Mr. Harper was still wearing his batting helmet because his head smacked hard into the wall, and his helmet came flying off. Several Nationals players and coaches responded immediately and physically separated the two.

How Mature was Mr. Papelbon’s Style of Providing Negative Criticism in this Situation?

Regular readers of this blog know that when it comes to providing negative criticism, we are encouraged to consider a tentative model that describes five levels of maturity. Level one is viewed as the most immature, and each higher level is viewed as a little more mature. Let’s take a quick look at these levels, and as we do so, let’s see if we can figure out which of the five levels best describes Mr. Papelbon’s approach.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

1. The criticizer displays one or more of the following behaviors:

Cries without stating what the crying is about
Physically attacks the person being criticized
Damages property

2. Those who are at this level display one or both of the following behaviors:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, someone might be making too much noise and the criticizer might turn to the noise maker and glare, or cry out, “Jerk!”)
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. Those who are at this level clearly state the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. Those who are at this level state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, these criticizers empathize without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

5. Those who are at this level provide criticism in a manner very similar to a level four style of criticism but beforehand, they consider the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, they may decide to alter the criticism.

According to the Above Model, What Level of Maturity Best Describes Mr. Papelbon’s Form of Negative Criticism?

While criticizing Mr. Harper’s lack of hustle to first base, Mr. Papelbon physically attacked him. Of the five levels described in the above model, level one, the most immature level, best describes what he had done.

Why is such a style considered immature? Well, one reason is that when people respond at the more mature levels, it demonstrates that they can consider the consequences of their actions before they choose what actions to take. In this case, the consequences for Mr. Papelbon has been a suspension for the rest of the season, a fine of thousands of dollars, and he has been displayed on national news in a negative light, thus tarnishing his reputation. A little forethought would have led to avoiding these clearly negative consequences.

Now, it is important to note that the specific negative criticism that Mr. Papelbon wanted to deliver to Mr. Hudson, was, according to my own value system, correct. Mr. Hudson does owe it to his teammates to hustle down to first base in these situations. However, I disagree with how Mr. Papelbon provided the criticism.

Mr. Papelbon, center, after lunging at Mr. Harper.

What would have been a more mature response? A little forethought would have led to realizing that Mr. Harper was very frustrated with his own pop out in the game. Thus, to wait until the next day would give both parties time to calm down.

Moreover, providing negative criticism to someone in front of lots of other people is often a huge mistake. Face-saving actions tend to increase defensiveness for both parties. Asking to discuss such matters in private is often a kinder, wiser approach.

Finally, Mr. Papelbon would have been wise to first consider if he was the best person to present the criticism. Usually managers of a team are the ones who are considered to have the legitimate authority to bring these types of issues up to a player. If Mr. Papelbon felt he had a particularly close relationship with Mr. Harper, or an established mentor relationship, there could be some exceptions to this general rule. Otherwise, Mr. Papelbon might have been wise to privately discuss his displeasure about his teammate’s lack of hustle with his manager and urge him to take firm action.

Sports Illustrated Article on “Abusive Coaches”

In big time sports, Mr. Papelbon is in no way the only one who provides negative criticism in a manner that matches the most immature levels of our model. In a special report of the September 28, 2015 issue of Sports Illustrated, Alexander Wolff (with reporting by Lauren Shute) writes:,

“Why do college coaches continue to yell, demean and demoralize? That’s yesterday’s tactic. Today’s athletes can’t-and won’t-take it. What’s more, it doesn’t work: Study after study shows the benefits of a more positive approach.” (p. 51)

What are the negative consequences of providing negative criticism in these low maturity level styles? The Sports Illustrated writer tells us about excellent players leaving their teams, and in rare cases, committing suicide.

Many coaches have lost their jobs after an athletic director’s investigation. Over the past 28 months at least seven Division I schools have had an investigation, and then parted ways with coaches following player complaints of mistreatment.

Moreover, some colleges end up getting sued. In one case, seven former players have filed a $10 million civil suit that charges the school and coaches were fostering a racially hostile environment.

There is some relatively good news in the Sports Illustrated article. Apparently, most players are not being treated in a demeaning manner judging from one recent NCAA survey. Of Division I players, 31% of men’s basketball players and 22% of football players reported that a coach “puts me down in front of others.” Although this indicates that there is still plenty of room for improvement, it can nevertheless be viewed as a hopeful sign that most coaches are finding more positive ways to bring out quality performances in their players.

Why Do Many Coaches Continue to Use Abusive Tactics?

As reported in the Sports Illustrated article, according to Ramogi Huma, executive director to the National College Players Association, which often hears from abused athletes:

“I believe this is a cultural problem. A lot of coaches, they were hollered at and abused when they were players.” (p. 52)

There is also undoubtedly a great deal of pressure on the coaches. If they don’t win, they are very likely to be replaced.

But perhaps the major reason is that coaches are not provided enough inspiring stories about how successful coaches find ways to win by fostering bonding, loyalty, and commitment to a team in a positive manner. Dramatic enthusiasm when explaining to players what specifically they can do to improve, rather than belittling them about what they did wrong, is one such positive approach. Celebrating each step toward improvement is another.

Conclusion

Thinking about what happens when immature styles of criticism occur in the world of big time sports can provide us an important lesson with regards to how we provide criticism to others in non-athletic situations. The five levels of maturity provides guidance not only to big time athletic teammates and their coaches, but also to the rest of us.

Real change from lower levels of maturity to higher levels rarely occurs from reading a single article. More typically, it requires bringing examples of people utilizing the higher level skills before one’s consciousness at least weekly for several months, and, on each of these occasions, an effort must be put forth to consider how these skills can be specifically applied to one’s own life. Following this blog is a no cost way to help make this happen.

I hope you join us again real soon.

My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bullying, disrespectful, insults, maturity levels, negative criticism, sports coaching

conflict resolution emotional skills social and emotional skills learning social skills

Social and Emotional Learning: For Each Dollar Spent, Eleven Dollars Saved

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 22, 2015
No Comments on Social and Emotional Learning: For Each Dollar Spent, Eleven Dollars Saved

Multicultural College students, male and female

Of late, more and more evidence has been coming to light demonstrating the importance of youth learning how to get along with others. For example, recently, researchers from Penn State and Duke University published a study that looked at what happened to kindergarten students who were rated by their teachers as having strong social competence skills 13 to 19 years later. When compared to those who had below average social competence skills, they were more likely to graduate from high school on time, get college degrees, have stable or full-time employment as young adults; and they were less likely to live in public housing, receive public assistance, be held in juvenile detention or be arrested as adults.

In an interview reported by the New York Times, Mark T. Greenberg, a professor of Human Development and Psychology at Penn State University and a co-author of the study stated:

“These early abilities, especially the ability to get along with others, are the abilities that make other kids like you, and make teachers like kids. And when kids feel liked, they’re more likely to settle down and pay attention, and keep out of the principal’s office, and reap the benefits of being in a classroom. And this builds over time; it’s like a cascade. They become more bonded with peers and healthy adults and they become more bonded to school as an institution, and all those skills lead them, independent of their I.Q., to be less at risk for problems.”

Now, some might argue that these abilities are innate, and thus really can’t be learned. But researchers from Teachers College at Columbia University did some number crunching to estimate the economic value of six different social and emotional learning programs. They looked at the programs’ impact on things like future wages and social costs (pdf). Here’s the summary of their findings:

“The most important empirical finding is that each of the six interventions for improving SEL [social and emotional learning] shows measurable benefits that exceed its costs, often by considerable amounts. There is a positive return on investments for all of these educational reforms on social and emotional learning. And the aggregate result also shows considerable benefits relative to costs, with an average benefit-cost ratio of about 11 to 1 among the six interventions. This means that, on average, for every dollar invested equally across the six SEL interventions, there is a return of eleven dollars, a substantial economic return.”

Despite these findings, only a small minority of schools provide a fully developed curriculum for teaching SEL. In contrast, many schools that I have worked for have made statements to the public that they take teaching SEL seriously, but their programs amount to little more than a counselor coming into classes a few times a year to give a brief presentation on the value of everyone getting along in a respectful manner. As someone who has implemented SEL programs in schools and sat on a research committee that evaluated the effectiveness of such programs, it is my impression that without a program that at least weekly provides instruction in SEL, lasting effects tend to be minuscule at best.

Advocating for A SEL Program In Your Community Schools

Thus, I highly recommend that interested community members such as parent groups and educators organize presentations to their school boards that assertively advocate that a full scale SEL program becomes standard practice throughout the grades in each of their community schools.

What Can You Do At Home To Promote SEL

For those who are less given to community organizing, there is still a great deal that can be done within your own homes. If you have youngsters living with you, or if you are a grandparent, uncle, or aunt that regularly meets with the youngsters in the family, here are some suggestions that do not cost any money:

At the very top of any of my blog posts, you will see a heading that says, FREE BOOK: DEALING WITH INSULTS, TEASING AND CRITICISM. By clicking on this heading, you can download for free a PDF version of a book that utilizes America’s favorite comics to teach a number of important SEL skills. Once you download it, I recommend reading a chapter of the book once a week with your youngsters, and then discussing with them how the ideas might be used in something currently going on in their lives.

Once you finished all of the chapters of the book, I recommend playing a game designed to further enhance the learning of the skills taught in the book. The details of this game are provided in my post titled Teaching Children How to Deal with Criticism, and by clicking HERE you can go directly to that post.

Briefly, the game is played in the following manner: One of the skills that the free book teaches people is to be able to recognize four levels of maturity for responding to criticism, with level one being the most immature, and each higher level viewed as being a little more mature. Your job, when playing the game, is to make up a brief story in which someone criticizes someone else. In your story, you explain how the criticized person responds to the criticism. Then the child guesses what level the response was at. Lucy and Linus So, for example, I could make up a simple story in which Lucy says to her brother, Linus, “You’re stupid!” Linus responds by saying “Oh yeah, well at least I’m not as stupid as you!” You would then ask your youngster, “What level is Linus’s response?”

After you discuss the youngster’s answer, you would then role-play the situation so that you provide the criticism and the child acts out a more mature response. If the child fails to do this correctly, reverse the roles by having the child criticize you and you provide a more mature response. Then let the child try to imitate your response.

By playing this game, youth become very familiar with how to respond to criticism in a mature manner, and learn to construe name calling, insults, and violent responses as signs of immaturity. Moreover, you will find that the game leads to your youngster sharing with you real life experiences with criticism, and together, you can both problem solve how to constructively handle them.

There are, of course, far more social and emotional skills for youth to learn besides how to respond maturely to criticism. Identifying different levels of maturity when it comes to providing criticism (see HERE) and learning how to deal with anger arousing situations (see HERE) are just a couple of important other examples.

These skills are not at all adequately learned by reading a single book. We must bring these issues before the youth’s mind at regular intervals over the course of several months, and then do so again and again for each year the youth is growing from childhood, to teenage years, and finally into adulthood. By reading with your youngsters, each of my blog posts, beginning from the first one, then moving on to the next one, and the next at a reasonable pace, perhaps once per week, this can be done in a fun manner for free. Directions for using this blog in this manner as a free SEL curriculum, see the paragraph below this post.

Finally, a wonderful way to have youth learn how to apply the skills into real life situations is by presenting a dramatic narrative that has characters the youth can easily identify with, struggling with tough issues. A Hero Grows in Brooklyn is one such narrative that is suitable for a general audience, and I have made it free for downloading on any computer or ebook reader (see HERE).

Okay then, there you have it, several suggestions for helping our youth learn SEL skills. Your efforts can play an important role in helping communities prevent violence, save an enormous amount of money, and increase the likelihood of a number of other highly valuable outcomes.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags emotional skills, SEL, social and emotional skills learning, social skills

concerns conflict resolution DSM functioning mental disorders Mental Illness psychiatry psychologists The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders William James

Mental Illness or Below Average Functioning?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 16, 2015
2 Comments on Mental Illness or Below Average Functioning?

“Good morning, Barbara,” I say, as my first counseling case walks into my office. I notice she looks a little angry. Upon sitting down, she declares, “I’m terribly frustrated. I’ve been depressed now for over two weeks, and I just can’t shake it!”

It’s easy for me to empathize because I regularly have bouts of what I refer to as melancholy. A deep anguish comes over me, and during this period I often begin to think about how I went through my father’s death when I was twelve, how I’m getting older and can no longer do the many athletic things that thrilled me when I was younger, and on and on. Sometimes these dark melancholy experiences come about because something clearly happened that upset me, and sometimes they seem to come out of the blue.

Beyond Listening in a Caring Manner

After listening in a caring way to Barbara for a few minutes, I ask her if something specifically happened that led her into her current emotional experience. Then I explore with her a question about how often she has these experiences and if she feels she has them more frequently than most people, about as often as most, or less than most. Then, I ask her about how she has been functioning in other areas of her life–sleep, eating, exercise, interpersonal relationships, work/school, household responsibilities.

You see, as people experience depression, or other concerns that often lead to a classification of having a mental disorder, some people go about their lives functioning as they typically were doing before the concern arose, while some find that in some areas they begin to function below the levels that are typical for them, while some find that their functioning increases in one or more areas. For example, some sleep about the same amount, some less, and some more. I have met people who, when they are depressed, start cleaning every inch of their home, while others find it difficult to get out of bed.

Also of interest when exploring a person’s expressed concern is to look at how the person had been functioning before the onset of the presenting concern. If some important relationships had begun to function below average, or if the person had been sleeping less than average to keep up with work demands, these facts can be insightful when seeking ways to address the presenting concern.

Now, once I found out what Barbara was concerned about, what might have precipitated the concern, and how she had been functioning in various areas of her life, I had a pretty good idea as to how to proceed in addressing her concern. I had no need to decide whether or not she had a mental disorder. However, many mental health practitioners are required to declare that the person seeking mental health services has a mental disorder if they want to get paid. Is this mental illness labeling really necessary?

Mental Illness Labeling Versus an Addressing Concern Approach

There are those who embrace this mental illness/disorder labeling. One reason is the pharmaceutical industry’s promotion of this idea to sell people on the idea that they need certain drugs to live a more normal, healthier life.

Beyond that, another major reason for this is that these individuals have a group of people in their lives that blame them for the way that they have been feeling or acting. When a doctor has declared, for example, that John Smith has a mental disorder, he may feel vindicated. “You see, there really is something wrong with me!” he may cry out in his defense.

In actuality, those who are doing the blaming may continue their blaming despite the doctor’s opinion. Moreover, many of us don’t blame people whenever they find some concern has arisen in their lives even if they are going through a non-illness experience. I know I’m not blaming myself when I experience melancholy, and I was not at all blaming Barbara for what she was going through.

Those who are uncomfortable about the use of “mental illness” terminology point out they are stigmatizing because they are used as put downs in our society. Moreover, the media associates the most heinous crimes with those referred to as the mentally ill even though the vast majority of those classified in this manner are not violent.

Among the most articulate individuals to voice objections to the mental disorder labeling was Harvard psychologist and philosopher William James. Over one hundred years ago he wrote a book titled, The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902). At that time many medical doctors argued that people who were religious were all mentally ill. In response, Professor James wrote:

Medical materialism seems indeed a good appellation for the too simple-minded system of thought which we are considering. Medical materialism finishes up Saint Paul by calling his vision on the road to Damascus a discharging lesion of the occipital cortex, he being an epileptic.

Girl (6-8) praying, profile, close-up

It snuffs out Saint
Teresa as an hysteric, Saint Francis of Assisi as an hereditary degenerate. George Fox’s discontent with the shams of his age, and his pining for spiritual veracity, it treats as a symptom of a disordered colon. Carlyle’s organ-tones of misery it accounts for by a gastro-duodenal catarrh. All such mental overtensions, it says, are, when you come to the bottom of the matter, mere affairs of diathesis (auto-intoxications most probably), due to the perverted action of various glands which physiology will yet discover. (p. 29)

James goes on from here to point out that it is true, of course, that psychology has found that there are definite psycho-physical connections that “hold good” (p. 30). Psychology, therefore:

assumes as a convenient hypothesis that the dependence of mental states on bodily conditions must be thoroughgoing and complete. If we adopt the assumption, then of course what medical materialism insists on must be true in a general way, if not every detail…. But now, I ask you, how can such an existential account of facts of mental history decide in one way or another on their spiritual significance? According to the general postulate of psychology just referred to, there is not a single one of our states of mind, high or low, healthy or morbid, that has not some organic process as its condition. Scientific theories are organically conditioned just as much as religious emotions are; and if we only knew the facts intimately enough, we should doubtless see “the liver” determining the dicta of the sturdy atheist as decisively as it does those of the Methodist under conviction anxious about his soul. When it alters one way the blood that percolates it, we get the Methodist, when in another way, we get the atheist form of mind. So of all our raptures and our drynesses, our longings and pantings, our questions and beliefs. They are equally organically founded, be they religious or of non-religious content. (p. 30)

James points out that in the natural sciences and the arts it never occurs to anyone to refute opinions, beliefs and experiences by putting down their author’s neurological constitution. Value is determined by “judgments based on our own immediate feelings primarily; and secondarily on what we can ascertain of their experiential relations to our moral needs and to the rest of what we hold as true” (p. 33).

James was additionally concerned that medical materialism greatly overgeneralizes its knowledge of the connections between physiological variables and mind states. In James’s day, the pathology writers would take the few psychophysical correlations that they obtained under highly specialized conditions and then vaguely generalize their findings to discredit, to their satisfaction, all of the states of mind that they disliked.

The Modern Day View

Now, modern day psychiatrists sometimes respond,

“Well, certainly in James’s day we indeed knew almost nothing about such matters, but today our knowledge has vastly increased! Thus, James’s position is no longer valid because we can now make sound statements about the connections between physiological states and mind states.”

To this, I respond that in point of fact there is currently a renewed respect for the extraordinary complexity
that exists during the integration process between mind, physiology, behavior, and environmental variables. Whereas it is true that there have been large gains in our knowledge, these gains are best likened to moving from a few drops of knowledge to a glass almost full; yet, to really understand the integration process, we would need oceans and oceans of knowledge. Trillions and trillions of interactions are involved.

It is for these reasons that the mental illness/disorder terminology is misleading. As Dr. Thomas Insel, the former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, recently said about the psychiatric labeling process known as the DSM.

The weakness [of the DSM] is its lack of validity. Unlike our definitions of ischemic heart disease, lymphoma, or AIDS, the DSM diagnoses are based on a consensus about clusters of clinical symptoms, not any objective laboratory measure. In the rest of medicine, this would be equivalent to creating diagnostic systems based on the nature of chest pain or the quality of fever. Indeed, symptom-based diagnosis, once common in other areas of medicine, has been largely replaced in the past half-century as we have understood that symptoms alone rarely indicate the best choice of treatment.

To hear and view other leading scientists further make this point, I highly recommend the following free video:

“This Video Dispels Every “Nature VS Nurture” Myth You’ve Ever Heard. The Implications are Profound.”

Conclusion

When individuals express a concern, exploring how they are functioning in the main areas of their life can be enormously helpful. Someone who reports a concern about experiencing depression, whom, by some gentle questioning, we find out has been functioning below average in the areas of sleep, interpersonal relationships, and exercise may benefit enormously if we work together on getting these areas of functioning in a more optimal range. This is true for those who report other types of concerns such as experiencing anxiety, hearing voices, below average range of attention, obsessive thoughts, and on and on. With a model that includes addressing concerns and exploring ways to improve functioning, labeling someone as having a mental disorder becomes unnecessary and may actually interfere with the aims of a counseling/psychotheraputic relationship.

For those who desire, for whatever reason, to be labeled as having a mental disorder, I am not proposing that we interfere with this. But for those who desire to have their concerns addressed by well trained mental health professionals without being referred to as having a mental illness or disorder, I do propose that we do provide a reasonable option for them to access mental health services. In my view, mental health professionals, once we hear our clients’ concerns and how they are functioning in the various areas of their lives, we have the basics to formulate, in full cooperation with our clients, a plan for addressing these concerns. I hope you give this some thought.

For those of you who would like to learn more about how an addressing concern approach would work and be consistent with science if adopted by mental health providers, you can access my peer reviewed article for free by clicking HERE.

Until next week, may you find some kindness out there in this fascinating world of ours.

My Best,

Jeff

Tags concerns, counseling, functioning, mental disorders, mental illness, psychiatry, psychotherapy, William James