Tag: sadness

Categories
Bob Dylan crying grieving

Bob Dylan’s “Baby, Stop Crying”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today, we discuss Bob Dylan’s song, “Baby, Stop Crying.”

According to Wikipedia, it was released in the summer of 1978 as a single and in a longer album version on Street Legal. The song charted at #13 in the UK and was a top-ten song in much of Europe, although it failed to chart in the United States. It features a strong saxophone solo, and a trio of female backup singers, providing a delightful counterpoint to Dylan’s raspy vocal performance.

For our purpose, the song provides excellent emotional jumping off points to discuss crying, and how to deal with it in a respectful manner. The first lines tell us,

You been down to the bottom with a bad man, babeBut you’re back where you belong
Go get me my pistol, babeHoney, I’d ain’t tell right from wrong
Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop cryingBaby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop cryingBaby, please stop crying

Here, as I interpret the song, the narrator is in a relationship with a woman. He calls her “babe” and “honey,” indicating affectionate feelings. He sees she has been brought to tears as a result of a relationship with a “bad” man. Although the man is labeled “bad,” the narrator hastens to say he’s not someone who really can tell right from wrong.

I’m not sure why the narrator suddenly is asking for the woman to get his pistol, but Dylan tends to throw into his songs a few inscrutable lyrics. My three guesses of what he is seeking to imply are: it’s meant to heighten the drama of the storyline; that he so can’t stand her crying he’s getting ready to shoot her; or he’s going to shoot the guy who has upset her. In any case, the narrator seeks to reassure his honey that she is now in a place where she belongs. At the same time, he’s pleading with her to please stop crying. Hmmm.

The next set of lines are,

You know, I know, the sun will always shineBut baby, please stop crying ’cause it’s tearing up my mind
Go down to the river, babeHoney, I will meet you there
Go down to the river, babeHoney, I will pay your fare
Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop cryingBaby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop cryingBaby, please stop cryingYou know, I know, the sun will always shineBut baby, please stop crying ’cause it’s tearing up my mind
Here, the narrator appears to be trying to cheer up the woman, noting the sun always
shines and he offers to pay for a trip to go down to the river. In literature, references to rivers often suggest a place that can take you to freedom, as is the case for Mark Twain’s story about Huck Finn and his friend Jim who is seeking to escape slavery.
Such efforts to cheer someone up often is well intentioned, but is it always wise? One of my readers, Sonia Perez, when I discussed a similar topic about crying a few years back, wrote:

“The worst thing people do is to try to cheer you up! When we are hurting, sad, lonely etc and we are crying all we need is someone that allows us to have our feelings and show they care…. I need to express what I am experiencing. I don’t need someone to determine when I have cried enough.”
In Bob’s song, the next few lines attempt to capture some of what Sonia is driving at.

If you’re looking for assistance, babeOr if you just want some company
Or if you just want a friend you can talk toHoney, call me and see about me
But then, the narrator again pleads with the woman to please stop crying. I understand that many folks in our society feel uncomfortable when they see someone they care about crying. In our society the pharmaceutical industry is spending millions to convince people that to be sad is some pathological condition requiring medication. One of my readers, Luc Thibaud, expressed some views that sit more comfortably in my heart:

“It’s OK baby, cry if that cry is in you.
Cry as long as you need to.
I won’t interrupt you; As you cry, I cry with you.
Crying won’t hurt, not crying will.
Your eyes are sore, your throat is so full of tears and you choke.
Take your time, blow your nose.
Your tears are holy and magic.
I love you and I understand you perfectly.”
The next several lines of Dylan’s song continue with the narrator pleading for his baby to stop crying and reminding her that the sun will always shine; and then he goes on to say,

You been hurt so many timesAnd I know what you’re thinking of
Well, I don’t have to be no doctor, babeTo see that you’re madly in love
Here, we see what this incident of deep sadness is about, unrequited love. It’s easy for most of us to sympathize with someone going through such an experience. The song’s narrator has it in his heart to do just that, but his honey’s crying is tearing up his mind.

For me, it feels natural to remain present and to communicate that I care when someone I care about is crying. But the fact is, some good, well meaning people find crying begins to wear on their nerves to such an extent that they just can’t bear it any longer. If you are in a relationship with someone and you find that at some point you can’t stand the crying any more, how best to respectfully handle this?

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

If it was me, I don’t think I would ask her or him to please stop crying. What about saying, instead, something like, “I’m going to take a walk for a few minutes to deal with some feelings that are coming up within me regarding what you are going through.” Then, just before leaving, going over to the person crying, and give a tender kiss on the cheek and a gentle loving touch on the back of the shoulder.

I wonder how others feel about this. I invite your thoughts and expressions of your emotional reactions.

My Best,

Jeff

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution Depression Mental Illness sadness

Feeling Bad About Feeling Sad

Welcome to From Insults To Respect. 

A couple of years ago I wrote a post titled, “Am I Bad For Being Sad?” There I discussed the tendency in our society to promote the notion that when we experience sadness it is a symptom indicating there is something wrong with us. I then asked readers to consider the possibility that this notion may be disrespectful and harmful, and it may be far better to frame our sad experiences as healthy, and a process that serves the function of planning our future. In that post, to encourage readers to think about this, I used two parables and a New York Times article in which the writer relates the experience of a woman dealing with sadness. Today, let’s take a quick look at a summary of that earlier post, and then I’ll discuss a research article that helps to deepen a discussion of this issue.

A Brief Summary of the Earlier Post

In the first parable, a mother tells her son it is time to go to bed, he resists, and eventually he begins to cry. The mother responds:

 Don’t you dare start with this crap or I’ll give you a real reason to cry! You’re acting like an infant!!! Now you stop this instant and get to bed!!!”

In the second parable, the same set of circumstances occurs except that the mother replies to her son’s tears differently. Instead of getting angry, she says in a caring manner:

“I see you are feeling sad. That’s understandable. You were enjoying the game so much, and you’re disappointed about having to stop. You know, when we feel sad, it’s to help us figure out how to better handle what we do in the future. I wonder how we can better handle the going to bed situation. Any ideas, Carl?”

After presenting these two parables, I asked readers some questions:

Will this mother’s response in the first parable to her son’s sadness lead him in time to not only feel sad about whatever led to his sad feelings, but additionally, to feel bad for not living up to his mother’s expectations of what a good, mature person should feel during disappointments? 

Might he, thus, learn to have a kind of double depression each time he is disappointed–depression at the disappointment, plus depression because he is depressed?

With this mother’s approach, might he eventually become motivated to drown his negative emotions in alcohol, or mask them with illegal or prescription drugs?

In contrast to the first parable, the second one has the mother explaining that the experience of sadness is natural and has the potential to be helpful. I noted that this doesn’t instantly eliminate a period of sadness. Then I asked readers:

Is it possible that by viewing sadness as natural and helpful, might it eliminate much of the self-insults that make a sad experience worse?

Might it also helpfully guide attention toward constructing positive future plans?

After discussing these questions, I then went on to the New York Times article that I used to further deepen the sadness discussion. There, the writer tells us about Laura.

When Laura was young, she saw a psychiatrist because from time to time she would begin to sob. He convinced Laura there was something wrong with her and sold her on the idea that she needed to take a prescribed pill. Before long he had her taking a whole cocktail of pills.

When on the drugs, Laura said, “I never had a baseline sense of myself.”

Eventually, Laura began to question her psychiatrist’s medical model, and although she suffered through the process of weaning herself off the prescription drugs, finally she reported that she felt as if she were learning the contours of her adult self for the first time. When she felt dread or despair, she tried to accept the sensation without interpreting it as a sign that she was defective. “It felt like a revelation,” she said, “to realize that the objective in being alive isn’t the absence of pain.” The article concludes with Laura stating, “I never felt helped by the drugs in the sense that I have meaning, I have purpose, I have relationships that matter to me.”

There is quite a bit more that I covered in my earlier post on this subject, and I hope you consider reading it (see HERE). In that post, I relied chiefly on stories to illustrate the relevant issues, for stories are particularly helpful in making sense of life’s challenges. However, there is another path toward understanding–scientific research. So, let us now turn to a research article employing the scientific method that focuses its keen eye directly on today’s topic.

The Research Article

A team of researchers (Brock Bastian, et al.) published an article in the peer reviewed journal Emotion titled, “Feeling Bad About Being Sad: The Role of Social Expectancies in Amplifying Negative Mood.” The authors begin by summarizing previous relevant research, then describe four studies they carried out to throw light on this subject, and then present their conclusions. The entire article can be viewed for free HERE. It is a bit long and written using some technical language and complicated statistics so I thought I would provide the gist of it to those who prefer a shorter read.

Upon reviewing previous research, they found evidence that in many cultures people are expected to strive for happiness and not to feel sad or stressed. Moreover, happiness has been enthusiastically promoted as important for personal well-being and a meaningful life. Even common malaise is often diagnosed as an illness and is considered detrimental to our own and others’ health.”

The authors go on to say,

One does not need to look far to see which emotions are socially valued and more normative than others. Daily we are reminded of the value of happiness, from TV advertising that highlights the hedonic pleasures of consumption, to national campaigns designed to improve happiness and well-being.
Meanwhile, commonplace emotional experiences such as sadness, depression, or anxiety are pathologized and medicalized, viewed as deviant from desired norms…. Negative emotions are touted as bad for our health… and can be “cured” with an array of drugs and interventions designed to quickly and efficiently return us to normality. On the other hand, the many benefits of negative emotions, such as their creative potential…, importance for interpersonal relations…, and role in achieving a rich and meaningful life… are rarely prominent in current social discourse. 

When the authors write that the benefits of negative emotions are rarely prominent in current social discourse, they are referring to modern Western individualistic cultures such as Australia, Great Britain, and the United States. They contrast these Western cultures with the very different attitudes of many people in Asia. Thus, the authors write,

[T]he importance placed on happiness and the devaluation of sadness is not as apparent in Asian cultures. In Japan, acceptance, emotional balance, and even hardship are highly valued, and the pursuit of happiness often has “immoral” connotations.

Now, after the authors described the previous research that I have sought to summarize, they then begin to describe their four original studies. In brief, hundreds of people, mostly Australians, but some from Japan, were asked to rate several of their personal characteristics on a scale that ranged from 1 (strongly disagree) to 9 (strongly agree). Examples of the characteristics they were asked to rate themselves on are:

Feeling sad makes me dislike myself.

When I feel sad I feel like a bad person.

It is very important to me not to feel sad.

I would always try to avoid feeling sad. 

Feeling sad is normal.

Feeling sad is an important part of life.

There is far more to these four studies than just having people rating themselves, but this gives you some idea of what was done.

Among the findings, there was a clear tendency for Australian individuals to feel worse about themselves when experiencing negative emotions than the Japanese individuals who were more likely to view sadness as normal and helpful.

The authors’ final conclusions, after looking at the result of all four studies, are:

Emotions are fundamentally social phenomena. Our research provides the first evidence that people’s generalized beliefs about how others expect them to feel may play a central role in their emotional experience and well-being. Our work shows that the more people hold beliefs that others expect them not to experience negative emotions, the more frequently and intensely they are likely to experience those negative emotions. Such ironic effects also relate to indicators of well-being, such as satisfaction with life and depression. Moreover, our findings suggest that these relationships are at least partly mediated by negative self-evaluations that people have when they experience undesired emotions. Attempts to promote the value of feeling good over the value of feeling bad by emphasizing social norms for these emotions may therefore have the effect of making people feel bad more often.

Now, relevant to this discussion, there does exist some evidence that sometimes people who experience depression end up hurting themselves, or lapse into periods in which their functioning diminishes. This evidence is used by many psychiatrists to urge people to take psychiatric drugs. But, is it really the depression that leads these people to hurt themselves, or is it how they respond to their sad feelings that lead to various undesirable outcomes?

In contrast to the medical model that urges drug treatment, there is evidence that the drug treatments increase suicide and disabilities.

Robert Whitaker

For an excellent review of this evidence see Robert Whitaker’s fine book, Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America.

Now, let’s say you were brought up immersed in a culture that favors happiness over negative emotions. If you had become convinced it would be wise to change your old habits of self-hate when experiencing depression, perhaps you might find it hard to break those habits. What can you do?

By reading this blog beginning with the earliest post can help to support making the change. You can begin at the earliest post by clicking HERE. Two of its benefits are, it is completely free, and you can utilize it at your own pace.

Another approach is to go to a personal counselor well trained in promoting the notions that sadness is helpful and self compassion is a better way to deal with it. The personal interaction with a skilled, supportive counselor can be a powerful motivator to make the needed changes in your life. Its chief drawback is its financial cost.

If you do wish to utilize this approach, I can recommend two professionals who are excellent–my son, Jack Star Rubin, and his wife, Emily. Their services are provided online via Skype or Zoom. You can access their webpages HERE.

OK then, I think I’ll end this discussion for now. That said, please feel free to extend it in the comment section below.

My Best
Jeff

———————————
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution dealing with sadness Depression

I’m Sorry for the Tears

When Abraham Lincoln was 19, several neighbors were assigned to inform him of the heart wrenching news that his sister had died. As one of them described the incident,  “We went out and told Abe. I never will forget the scene. He sat down in the door of the smokehouse and buried his face in his hands. The tears slowly trickled from between his boney fingers and his giant frame shook with sobs.”

Why did Abe bury his face in his hands? Was it to hide the fact that he was crying? Why do so many of us, when we cry in front of others, apologize? Why do so many of us become embarrassed when we cry? If we are uncomfortable about how we deal with our sensitive nature, what can we do about it? Today, here at From Insults to Respect, we shall seek to throw some light on all of this.

Crying is as Natural as a Smile On a Baby’s Face

Abraham Lincoln wrote in 1859,

“The inclination to exchange thoughts with one another is probably an original impulse of our nature. If I be in pain I wish to let you know it, and to ask your sympathy and assistance; and my pleasurable emotions also, I wish to communicate to, and share with you.”

In Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness, the author, Joshua Wolf Shenk, tells us that when Abe was particularly sad, his friends’ reactions are insightful. They didn’t merely seek to help him, they vied with each other for the pleasure or honor of assisting him.

How can we account for this natural helping characteristic? From an evolutionary theory point of view, in ancient times many tribes dotted the land. Some had members that were more likely to assist those who expressed sorrow, while others lived among less caring folks. The tribes with the more caring folks, along with its individual members, were more likely to survive and thus to pass caring genes on to the next generation. This led to an increased probability that people will have the characteristic of expressing their sorrows to others and to help those who do express their sorrow.

Another reason that may explain why we cry is that it is an essential part of the creative process. As the poet, Lord Byron, put it:

Lord Byron

Sorrow is knowledge; they who know the most
Must mourn the deepest o’er the fatal truth.”

What is it but the telescope of truth?
Which strips the distance of its fantasies,
And rings life near in utter nakedness,
Making cold reality too real!

With this line of thinking, people who grieve deeply when they meet up with a grievous experience, are pausing to do some unique, deep problem solving, going over and over where they are, and what creative alternatives they can derive for moving forward. Support for this style of functioning comes from the incredibly long line of people who have stood out as enormously creative and, at the same time, were prone to periods of the deepest levels of melancholy.

If Crying is Natural, Why the Embarrassment?

So far, I provided arguments that crying is natural because it encourages others to help and it is an important part of the creative process. If this is true, how can we explain why people become embarrassed about crying and frequently apologize for doing so?

Staying with the evolutionary theory line of reasoning, it just so happens that one of its principles is that for every biological characteristic there is variation around its central tendency. For example, the average height for males is a little under six feet tall, but some are a little taller, some are a little shorter, some are a lot taller, and some are a lot shorter.

Using this line of reasoning, it makes sense that although the usual characteristic of human beings is to feel sympathy for someone who is crying, nevertheless, there is some variation around this central tendency. Thus, some people are less sympathetic, and some may be so unsympathetic that they treat people who cry very disrespectfully. They might call the person a “cry baby,” or “immature,” or a “wimp,” or if the person is a male, “unmanly.”

As we were growing up, many of us came upon people who either treated us in this disrespectful manner when we were crying, or witnessed someone else who was being berated for their tearfulness. In time, we might have come to realize there are people out there who really hate to be exposed to someone crying, and this can lead to the apologies.

Additionally, some people internalize the criticism that they received when they cried. Thus, they end up insulting themselves whenever they cry because when they were a child they became convinced by people they had respected that such behavior is a terribly negative thing to do.

Add to this that in our society, a new trend has added fuel to the idea that people who cry have something wrong with them. A billion dollar industry that sells antidepressants have enormous resources to saturate the media with sales pitches that seek to convince people that crying is a symptom of a serious mental illness that urgently needs to be treated with some drug.

And then there is the “Healthy Minded” philosophy that we see in such song lyrics as “Accentuate the Positive.”

You gotta accent-u-ate the positive,
E-lim-inate the negative,
An’ latch on
To the affirmative
Don’t mess with mister in-between!

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum,
Bring gloom down to the minimum,
An’ have faith (amen!)
Or pandemonium’s
Liable to walk upon the scene!

There is no doubt that taking some time to count one’s blessings, and even to rejoice in them is worthwhile. But giving full due to the value of taking some time to sing the blues has some significant rewards for a balanced life.

What Are The Consequences Of Believing That We Are Doing Something Wrong When We Cry?

Before directly taking this question on, I think it’s important to get an issue out of the way.

As I mentioned above, there is this biological principle that for each characteristic of biological entities there is some variation around its central tendency. Therefore, it is natural that some people really don’t take to heart the usual situations that most of us will. These relatively insensitive folks, as long as they don’t pick anyone’s pocket, or break anyone’s leg, have a perfect right to carry out their lives according to their own lights. It is not in our interest to treat them disrespectfully. We would be wise to learn to celebrate the grand sweep of humanity.

That said, for those of us who really were born with the usual amount of compassion and sensitivities, becoming convinced through early life experiences that crying is something to be ashamed of does have serious negative consequences. Squashing the tears, rushing through the insulting scripts with words like, “wimp,” “momma’s boy,” “weakling,” “mentally ill,” etc., along with all of the negative emotions that accompany these words, leave us with far less of the energy that we would otherwise be able to call upon to address the cause of our sadness. Moreover, feeling like there is something wrong with us when we experience sensitive feelings results in millions of us turning to alcohol and drugs, which typically results in a number of unhealthy side effects.

Can Unhealthy Sadness Habits Be Transformed into Healthy Ones?

Yes! It does take some practice. Nevertheless, I, for one, can testify that I have made these kinds of changes, and it has been enormously beneficial.

The first several practice sessions involves noticing whenever you are feeling sad. At such times, as soon as you can, go to a place where you can have some alone time, preferably in a pleasant place out in nature, but even a bathroom will do in a pinch.

Then, recall what led to your sadness, and for a minute, observe in a nonjudgmental manner what words come to you. Observe them like you were a scientist objectively observing a flock of birds flying by, off in a distant sky.

After about a minute of this, turn your attention to the physical sensations that you are experiencing. Do this for at least a minute. If you wish to linger, that’s fine. If tears come, allow them to flow effortlessly.

Do this exercise for two months. It is wonderfully freeing. After this period of time, you will find that this way of dealing with your sadness has become a new comfortable way of experiencing sadness. It comes with no strings attached and won’t cost you a penny. For me, it has led to experiencing sadness in a manner that is as natural as the pleasant warmth from a morning sun.

Here’s another great exercise that I recommend. Over the course of four days, write for a minimum of 15 minutes at each sitting about something that has led you to experience sadness. As you do so, make sure you include not only what happened, but also what you felt when it happened, and how you now feel about what happened. Include your deepest emotions and thoughts about what occurred. Really let go and explore your feelings and thoughts about it. As you do so, recall the sensory experience of these feelings, not just the words that define the experience. After you finish the day’s writing assignment, read it over, and if you had called yourself any unkind names, cross them out, and read, once again, what you had written without any of the nasty name calling.

This assignment, like the other, does not cost any money, and by the time you finish this assignment, you will probably find you have made friends with your sad experiences. However some people may feel they have a few steps left to go before fully embracing sadness.

For example, some who had been taking psychiatric drugs to deal with their sad experiences might wonder if it is time to see if they can wean themselves off of them. This can be a challenging experience because these drugs can be highly addictive. Unfortunately, I’m not an expert on advising people on the best techniques to become free of these drugs. Nevertheless, I have heard some very positive comments about the resources provided at the Mad in America website (see HERE).

Lastly, some people dealing with sadness concerns have one, two, or three special situations that often seep into their consciousness, and they lead them into particularly challenging sadness experiences. Said another way, they find that they ruminate upon certain sad memories, so much so that they desire to get some help with this.

As I explained in another post about ruminating on certain anger experiences, meditation can be very helpful in dealing with any distressing ruminating experiences. You can learn how to meditate for free by clicking HERE.

Perhaps the best way to receive help for these particularly sad experiences is by working with a personal counselor. These people are typically very talented in listening to you in a kind manner, while offering gentle suggestions from a variety of wisdom traditions. As they listen to you, if you begin to express sadness, or even begin to cry, their supportive presence leads you to come to accept your sadness as a natural part of who you are, and to forgo consuming all of the wasted energy that comes from mismanaging sadness.

There is a cost to personal counseling, so not everyone can afford it. Information about getting services from the two best counselors that I know, Emily and Jack, can be obtained HERE.

Well, there you have it, some thoughts about why many of us feel embarrassed when expressing sadness and how to go about mastering these types of natural experiences. Until next time, may all of your joyful and sad experiences be wonderfully fruitful.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution Depression Emotional pain Laren Stover melancholy psychiatry psychopathology sadness William James

Is Depression an Illness?

sadness 4Since as far back as she can remember, Carla, 19-years-old, has been having periods during which she has waves of deeply sad feelings. She has family members who say that depression runs in their family, and she should see a psychiatrist for treatment. So, off she goes, and after a few questions, the psychiatrist declares she has a mental illness called Major Depressive Disorder. Carla is prescribed pills referred to as antidepressants.

She soon feels a little better, but begins to experience a number of side effects, among them, her sex drive is diminished. Her boyfriend soon breaks up with her, and she has a new bout with sadness. Her doctor increases her dose of pills, and adds some additional ones as well, which seems to work. But in time, new waves of sadness occur, so she goes back to the doctor. ECTHe now sets her up with a series of electroconvulsive shock treatments, which her doctor calls Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). Her memory begins to suffer, but after each series she does feel her mood rise.

Some who know Carla, respect her for facing the fact that she has a mental illness and is seeking sound medical advice to have it treated. Others who know her, upon seeing her turning to pills and ECT, regard her as foolish and lose respect for her.

In contrast to how Carla construes her waves of deeply sad feeling, some view it as an artistic temperament, and learn to appreciate these visits of melancholy as something of extraordinary valueWilliam James. Thus, in an earlier post titled William James’s Personal Bout With a “Mental Disorder,” we looked at how the brilliant psychologist and philosopher came to view his “bass notes of experience.” On this subject, he wrote that many so called “healthy-minded” individuals believe that those who worry are “morbid-minded” and “diseased,” but it may very well be true that “the world’s meaning most comes home to us when we lay them most to heart.” He went on to write that,

“there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Recently in the New York Times I met up with another writer who genuinely appreciates periods of sadness.

Ms Laren Stover
Ms. Laren Stover

In an article titled “The Case for Melancholy,” Ms. Laren Stover weaves a very different perspective from Carla, the individual I described at the start of this post who has an image of herself as a “sufferer of mental illness, and a consumer of antidepressants and ECT.”

Ms. Stover, after telling us of her weariness of all those folks on the internet promising to show us how to be delightfully happy in just a few short steps, writes:

sadness 3“Whatever happened to experiencing the grace of melancholy, which requires reflection: a sort of mental steeping, like tea? What if all this cheerful advice only makes you feel inadequate? What if you were born morose?”

It is of course not alway easy to bear these experiences, but one can begin to observe the beauty of it:

“It visits you like a mist, a vapor, a fog. It is generally uninvited. And as some people are born into royalty, wealth and prestige, others inherit a disposition for sadness.”

Notice how Ms. Stover pairs this experience with images of being born into royalty, wealth and prestige. In contrast, the mental illness promoters would much prefer to have us associate such experiences with being stuck with an awful disease we can only learn to manage with psychiatric drugs and, if that doesn’t prove sufficient, ECT. 

Laren continues to weave her artistic images of melancholy with such words as:

sadness 2“Sadness has a bad reputation. But I soon came to feel that melancholy — the word itself is late Latin from the Greek melancholia — is a word with a romantic Old World ring, with a transient beauty like the ring around the moon.”

And in another fine phrase, she tells us:

“it is fine to indulge in the cloudy charms of melancholy: to watch a sad black-and-white movie or to be swept away by the wind making a sound that Truman Capote described as a grass harp.”

sadness 6My favorite line in Ms. Stover’s article is actually a quote from her late father, a writer who published 24 books, and apparently also dealt with the many challenges of melancholy: “I don’t know if you’ll be a writer,” he tells his daughter, ” but you have the ‘up down’ thing too. Make creative use of it, otherwise, people will think you’re just plain nuts.”

sadness 5In our society, with its commercials every few minutes on TV telling us of all of the wonderful benefits of treating the terrible disease of depression with drugs, it is not easy to come to the artistic temperament point of view. And there are many good people that you will meet who genuinely believe that they have been saved from the depths of despair by doctors who utilize the medical model. If you choose to follow them down that road, I do wish you well. I have no desire to stop people from following the path that makes the most sense to them.

But for those who have not made their decision on what direction to head questionably into that dark night, I do gently ask for a momentary pause. Yes, in the physical illness domain, many medical procedures produce amazing outcomes. And it is therefore understandable that people will be eager to seek help from those who practice this medical approach to help in the domain of psychological distress. But it is worth noting that doctors can be terribly wrong at times. In the same issue of The New York Times as Ms. Stover’s article appears, we can find an article titled “How Doctors Helped Drive the Addiction Crisis.” It points out that,

OxyContin's long-acting formulation makes it popular but also prone to abuse.
OxyContin’s long-acting formulation makes it popular but also prone to abuse.

“The rate of death from prescription opioids in the United States increased more than fourfold between 1999 and 2010, dwarfing the combined mortality from heroin and cocaine. In 2013 alone, opioids were involved in 37 percent of all fatal drug overdoses.

Driving this opioid epidemic, in large part, is a disturbing change in the attitude within the medical profession about the use of these drugs to treat pain.”

A recent scientific analysis of the pros and cons of the so-called antidepressant, titled “Primum Non Nocere: An Evolutionary Analysis of Whether Antidepressants Do More Harm Than Good“ concludes:

antidepressant_pillsWe have reviewed a great deal of evidence of the effects of antidepressants on serotonergic processes throughout the body. Some of the effects are widely known, but they have been largely ignored in debates about the utility of antidepressants. Indeed, it is widely believed that antidepressant medications are both safe and effective; however, this belief was formed in the absence of adequate scientific verification. The weight of current evidence suggests that, in general, antidepressants are neither safe nor effective; they appear to do more harm than good.

Recent findings with regards to the previous standard medical recommendations for breast cancer and prostate screenings now indicate they led to far more harm than good for millions of patients.

And so, pausing, and considering an alternative way to think about melancholy may be well worth your while. If you feel you just can’t go it alone, meditation has been an enormous help for me in discovering a deeper understanding of these experiences. Vipassana-and-mindfulness-300x200My son, Jack, has found his Vipassana meditation retreat experiences of enormous value, and the cost for these retreats is on a voluntary donation basis. Some counselors and psychotherapists who have not fallen hook, line and sinker into the medical model view of these types of challenging experiences, can be of great help to make the transition from ugliness to beauty.

Well, I hope this discussion has deepened the reader’s views of melancholy, sadness and tears. Until you join us again right here at “From Insults to Respect,” may all of your concerns be addressed with wisdom, love, and kindness.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.