Have you ever noticed that some rich people like to say insulting things about the poor, and some poor people like to say some insulting things about the rich. Well, since this blog is all about insults, as well as respect, let’s see if today we can throw a little sunshine on this.
As followers of this blog know, from time to time, I enjoy selecting one of Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour shows to help us with these kinds of endeavors. Today, we’ll be utilizing Bob’s “Rich Man, Poor Man” theme.
Bob’s Introduction
Time for Theme Time Radio Hour. This week we’re going to take a look at two different kinds of people, them that’s got, and them that needs. We’re going to talk about a dichotomy between the rich man and the poor man.
As soon as Bob finishes this sentence, we hear an audio clip from a movie I can’t quite put my finger on, “If you permit me to say so, sir, the subject is not an interesting one. The poor know all about poverty, and only the morbid rich would find the topic glamorous.”
Then, Bob’s voice returns.
Bob Miller
Bob Miller wrote a song about both of them. He knew that poor people had something that no millionaire had–poverty. Here’s a story about a rich man and a poor man. The rich man steals a million from the bank that he controls, and the poor man steals a penny for a loaf of bread or a penny worth of rolls. One goes away laughing, while the other goes away in tears. The rich man gets an apology while the poor man gets ten years. All kinds of life lessons in this song with no crapola.
Then Bob plays Miller’s song, “The Rich Man and the Poor Man.” We get a pretty good sense of some of the resentment that poor folks feel in many societies from the opening lyrics:
There’s just two kinds of people, the sinner and the saint; There’s one that gets and always got while the other poor one ain’t. Oh, the rich man drives his Lincoln past the red light with a grin, And the poor man follows right behind in his little hunk of tin. There’s a motorcycle copper following upon their trail; Oh, the rich man tears his ticket, but the poor man goes to jail.
Here we get a pretty vivid sense of the resentment that can boil up within the hearts of many poor folks when they see incidents of being treated unfairly. This can lead some to start throwing around a few insults.
Bob’s Show Continues
After Bob’s introduction to his theme and his first song, he goes on to say:
That was Bob Miller, “The Rich Man and the Poor Man.” I’ve known both and there’s good in each.
Soon afterwards, Bob tells us about some people who have gone from rags to riches.
Little Richard
Some of the songs he subsequently plays are about the dreams some poor people have about becoming rich, including “Get Rich Quick” by Little Richard. Apparently, one day this guy he’s singing about dreams of going to the track with twenty dollars and coming home with twenty-thousand. And, of course, in his imagination, when this happens “every thing will be OK.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve read a few biographies and have come away thinking that for people who have gone from rags to riches, pure happiness doesn’t always come by quite so easily. Still, the rocking saxophones on that song makes it well worth a listen.
Next up, Bob plays “Charming Betsy” by the Farmer’s Boys.
Rich girl got married in a long white veil
Poor girl would like to have a train
My girl never said I do
But she does just the same
Here, I get the sense that the song writer, while recognizing that the poor may have the desire to have what rich folks have, if you have the love of your girl, well, in some ways it’s just the same.
Soon after the Farmer’s Boys song, Bob plays us another audio clip from a movie:
You see sir, rich people think of poverty as in the negative, as the lack of riches, as a disease might be called a lack of health. But it isn’t sir. Poverty isn’t the lack of anything, but a positive plague, virulent in itself, and contagious as cholera, with filth, criminology, vice and despair as only a few of its symptoms.
Instead of Looking Down Their Noses At the Poor, The Rich Would be Wise to Remember How Easily They Too Can Become Poor
Although some of the rich may look down at the poor, Bob wisely reminds all of us that with a little twist of society’s fortunes, the rich can turn rapidly into the poor. Thus, he says:
On October 24th, 1929 the stock market fell. On Black Friday, many rich men turned into poor men. Suddenly many of them were on the street corners selling apples. Whether it was Black Friday or today, there are too many people out there who need to ask, Brother, can you spare a dime? Here’s Bing Crosby on Theme Time Radio Hour.
Here are some of the words from Crosby’s touching song:
Bing Crosby
They used to tell me I was building a dream With peace and glory ahead Why should I be standing in line Just waiting for bread?
Once I built a railroad, I made it run Made it race against time Once I built a railroad, now it’s done Brother, can you spare a dime?
Once I built a tower up to the sun Brick and rivet and lime Once I built a tower, now it’s done Brother, can you spare a dime?
Say, don’t you remember? They called me ‘Al’ It was ‘Al’ all the time Why don’t you remember? I’m your pal Say buddy, can you spare a dime?
Shortly after the song, Bob provides us a quote from Confucius: “In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of; in a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of.” Hmmm, I think this is Bob’s way of reminding people that sometimes the wealthy have some responsibility for working toward a well governed country that gives everyone a fair chance.
When the Wealthy Hold Down the Poor
Louis Armstrong
When the show continues, we get to an uncomfortable situation, which Louis Armstrong emotionally captures in a song titled, “Hobo, You Can’t Ride the Train.” It tells about how the rich has put this middle class railroad brakeman in charge of making sure the hobos don’t sneak on the train. Let’s look at some of its words, sung in Armstrong’s familiar raspy voice:
Oh Hobo, hobo you know you can’t ride this train
Now hobo now listen here hobo
I told you you can’t ride this train
You done forgot I’m the brakesman on this train boy, I’m awful tough I’m awful mad
I’m telling you (ha, ha, ha)
You gotta give me something boy oh yeah
Hobo you can’t ride this train
As I said before, hobo hobo
You know you can’t ride this train
Ah hobo hobo you know what big boy I’ll let go
I’ll give you a break, you’re all right
Here we get a sense that the singer knows he’s getting paid to keep the hobo off the train, and he’s trying to be light about it. At one point he thinks, maybe he can get something out of the hobo, by saying, “You gotta give me something boy oh yeah.” But in the end, the singer decides to give the hobo a break.
Clark Gable
In case we are too quick to think that hobos were just a bunch of rotten, no good folks who deserved to be poor, Bob tells us about a number of people who many of us have come to admire who had been hobos at various points in their lives–heavy weight champion Jack Dempsey, actor Clark Gable, singer Woody Guthrie, and writer Eugene O’Neill.
The next song Bob plays, Woody Guthrie’s “Do Re Mi,” is very sad. It tells the tale of folks during the great depression trying to get to California to find a way to escape desperate poverty.
Woody Guthrie
Lots of folks back East, they say, is leavin’ home every day, Beatin’ the hot old dusty way to the California line. ‘Cross the desert sands they roll, gettin’ out of that old dust bowl, They think they’re goin’ to a sugar bowl, but here’s what they find Now, the police at the port of entry say, “You’re number fourteen thousand for today.”
Oh, if you ain’t got the do re mi, folks, you ain’t got the do re mi, Why, you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennessee. California is a garden of Eden, a paradise to live in or see; But believe it or not, you won’t find it so hot If you ain’t got the do re mi.
The Perspective of the Rich
About halfway into the show, Bob say:
We’re talking a lot about poor people; let’s go on the other side of the track. I like talking about the rich men a little better. They’re a little more happy go lucky. You know what’s better than a little money? A lot of money.
Liliane Bettencourt
The richest woman in America in 2005 was Liliane Bettencourt, the daughter of L’Oreal founder. She’s worth around 16 billion. That’s billion, with a “B.” Wow! That’s a lot of bazoma! Another rich woman is Betty Nesmith Graham. She invented liquid paper, and when she passed away, she left her 50 million dollar estate to her son, former Monkey, Mike Nesmith. Gives new meaning to be rich on paper.
Back to the Other Side of the Tracks
Bob only spends a few minutes discussing the rich person’s experience, quickly returning us to songs like Johnny Rivers’s popular “Wrong Side of The Track” and Emmylou Harris’s lovely “Hobo Lullaby.” I would have liked him to try to get more into why so many of the rich look down on the poor, but his sympathy clearly is on those less well off.
Ben Franklin
As the show begins to close, Bob tells us, “If you are poor, I hope you get rich, and if you are rich, I hope you get happy.” Finally, he says, “I’ll leave you with the words of Benjamin Franklin, ‘He that is of the opinion that money will do anything may be suspected of doing everything for money.’ Thank you Ben. Peace out.”
And so, with those words, Bob ends his show. But before I sign off today, here’s a few parting words of my own.
Throwing insults at anyone, whether at the rich or poor, is not going to help anyone. If you experience a twinge of resentment over these types of issues, I can certainly understand that. But it is whether or not you can transform these twinges into something really positive that will determine whether you end up with just a bunch of awful feelings, or, alternatively, increase the respect you have for yourself.
Here’s one suggestion that has worked for me. When I notice this experience within myself, I find a time to sit for five minutes with my eyes closed. During these five minutes, I experience fully how this resentment is being expressed within my body. Maybe it is felt as a tightness in my chest, a wringing in the pit of my stomach, a clenching of my fist, or a crunching of my muscles around my forehead. I just fully observe these physical sensations for a full five minutes. Then I plant a seed by saying to myself, “I hope that at some point I can come up with a way to transform this experience into something useful and genuinely helpful.”
At one point, what came out of this experience is this idea that although it is certainly kind to give a hungry person a fish, in the long run it is even more kind to find ways to teach a hungry person to fish. With this in mind, I worked for many years in school systems doing my best to remove blocks that were getting in the way of students learning. And more recently, I have created this blog, “From Insults to Respect,” as a curriculum that is free to both the poor and the rich. It is designed to be a tool that can help people to learn some crucial skills for climbing the true ladder of success.
And with that, I hope you visit “From Insults to Respect” again real soon. Until then, as Bob says, “Peace out!”
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Dominick Reuter TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY - RTX1GZCO
When it comes to insulting people, Mr. Donald Trump is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on steroids.
The Paradox
Among Mr. Trump’s insults are calling some people “fat pigs” and “disgusting animals.” During his first presidential campaign, I observed him on national TV calling Senator Lindsey Graham “a stiff,” Governor Rick Perry “stupid,” and numerous other political opponents, “idiots.” He has denigrated federal judges who ruled against his efforts that sought to suspend refugee flows.
In an earlier post about Gov. Chris Christie’s use of insults, I described the following apparent paradox. On the one hand, there is a considerable amount of evidence that people who are very insulting tend to be less liked and respected. On the other hand, Former Gov. Chris Christie is well known to be very insulting, and despite this, he was twice elected governor of New Jersey, and at one point he was viewed as a front runner for the next U.S. presidential election. Here is a man that many people came to admire.
Now we see that Gov. Chris Christie has fallen in the respect others had had for him, while Mr. Trump has taken his place as a big time insulter who, despite his insulting ways, has gained respect from some and in 2016 received enough votes to get him elected US president. As I did when Gov. Christie was the king of insults, in today’s post I want to take this opportunity to explain this apparent paradox.
Explaining the Paradox
First of all, the negative effects of being insulting is strongest in interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. As I define these terms, your interpersonal relationships are your interactions with people with whom you have direct, face to face interactions on an ongoing basis; your intrapersonal relationships involve interactions that you have with yourself.
The relationship that politicians have with voters is best viewed as an intergroup relationship, rather than either an interpersonal or intrapersonal relationship. The intergroup relationship I’m discussing today regarding politicians involves the group of people who might potentially vote for them, the group of people who have a vested interest in getting the politician elected, and the groups of people who are working to get someone else elected. Although insulting people is relevant to intergroup relationships, other issues often become more important. In an interpersonal relationship, if you attempt to insult the person with whom you are personally interacting, that person might insult you back and the interaction can escalate into violence. In fact, the most common reason people turn to violence is because they felt someone treated them disrespectfully.
When we see politicians seeking to insult someone, they are modeling for others this type of violence producing behavior. But what makes this type of behavior very different for politicians is that they almost always have a group of supporters standing behind them and a team of armed security personnel well trained to intervene if an insulted party makes any moves at all that can be viewed as violent. Under this set of circumstances, it is far safer to play the part of a tough guy who doesn’t take any crap. Meanwhile, as politicians like Mr. Trump model this behavior for people without the protections afforded to politicians, it can potentially increase levels of violence for non-politicians.
Here’s another difference between what typically happens during your interpersonal relationships and the intergroup interactions that involve politicians. When someone directly seeks to insult you, unless you are well trained in handling this in a peaceful manner, you are likely to take the insult personally. The emotions that arise in this situation are more likely to be stronger than typically experienced when groups of people see on TV or in a large arena a politician throwing insults at someone they don’t personally know.
Politicians, moreover, are not seeking to develop a sound interpersonal relationship with you. They are, instead, seeking your vote. They know very well that not everyone is going to vote for them. If they anger the voters who aren’t likely to vote for them anyway, and end up getting 51 percent of the vote, this, to them, is success.
Now, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, if you act in a manner that leads to even a minority not liking you, this can lead to far more direct problems for you than if a minority of people don’t vote for some politician. If those who personally know you don’t like you, they can begin to say things behind your back to people who actually personally interact with you. Some of what gets said can be untrue and very unfair, but you may never hear about this. This behind your back treatment may result in people that you like no longer inviting you to parties. When you used to be invited to go bowling, now someone else is getting invited. In a work setting, you may be passed up for promotion. These types of consequences can have direct effects on your personal life. For Mr. Trump, the personal effects that may occur if he angers a minority of people who would have been unlikely to vote for him, would be far less important to him than getting elected.
Also, note that when people decide on who to vote for, they consider many issues, not just whether or not the candidate insults anyone. When Mr. Trump insults someone, many voters are apt to say to themselves, he isn’t doing anything much different than all the other politicians. These voters then choose a candidate based on other issues. If some voters recognize that Mr. Trump insults others a bit more than other candidates, they may feel that his stand on immigration is a far more important issue for them.
Others will actually like the insulting because the insults are aimed not at them, but at people whom they have come to dislike. If you have become angry because you like to use the “N-word” and people have criticized you about it, you may have become angry about what strikes you as political correctness. When Carl Tomanelli, a 68-year old retired New York City police officer was asked by a New York Times reporter why he is supporting Mr. Trump, he answered, “People are starting to see, I believe, that all this political correctness is garbage. I think he’s echoing what a lot of people feel and say.”
Other voters are very angry at the lack of progress being made by current career politicians on solving immigration, economic, and other problems. Many of these voters’ own personal style for dealing with this anger is to throw insults at these politicians. When Mr. Trump does the same thing, these voters see him as one of them. These same individuals are apparently unable to see that if he was throwing the same types of insults at them, they would not like this. To them, it’s perfectly okay to insult people they have come to not like. If someone insults them, however, their blood would boil. It seems to me that because it is wrong for people to insult them when someone disagrees with them, it is equally wrong for them to insult others when they disagree with others.
Many like to characterize Mr. Trump’s use of insults as his way of being a tough no-nonsense kind of guy. But in my view a person can surely be a tough no-nonsense kind of guy without seeking to insult people.
When asked why he uses insults, Mr. Trump at times says that those whom he insults, insulted him first. It is true that he does often get insulted. Recently I’ve seen him called a“feckless blowhard,” a “jackass,” “reprehensible,” “vile,” “absurd,” “pathological lier,” a narcissist, and “shameful.” But those who insult him often say they do it because he insulted either them, or someone they personally know. And so many who are either leaders of our nation, or hope to be so, are choosing to engage in this “You Started it First” name-calling game.
It is simply not true that if someone throws an insult at you the only intelligent way to respond is to seek to insult them back. In my view, within the political arena, one way to respond in a manner that I would respect is to state firmly, “I’m not here to get into this name-calling game. I’m here to let the public know what my positions are on the problems of this nation, and how I, if elected, plan to go about fixing them.”
Yes, initially politicians can get a great deal of attention for being extra insulting. This increases name recognition, and a subgroup of people will initially admire the politician for it. But is it a lasting valuable asset? Although Mr. Trump won the most electoral votes in 2016, polls regularly indicated he was the most disliked candidate in history. Moreover, Mr. Trump had millions of dollars of contracts cancelled when he made a comment that many immigrants found offensive. And he lost the following election. So, perhaps his insulting behavior is not such a winning tactic as some may think.
I hope this post will help you to think twice if you think that the type of insulting behavior Mr. Trump uses is effective in your own interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE
On August 8, 2015, I spoke at the American Psychological Association’s annual convention that was held in Toronto, Canada. My speech was part of a two hour symposium titled: “Beyond the DSM–Current Trends in Devising New Diagnostic Alternatives.” The DSM’s letters stand for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It is currently used by most mental health professionals to classify people seeking mental health services.
When the latest version of this manual came out, it was widely criticized. Consequently, a group of psychologists began to work together to think about possible alternatives. Several members of that group spoke at this symposium.
My Speech
Of late, I have been discussing today’s symposium theme with quite a few people. I have found that supporters of the DSM say that it is a classification system that has been helpful because it provides a common language for mental health professionals to communicate about those utilizing their services; its various diagnostic terms, such as Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, etc., are short phrases that are convenient for placing them into article titles, book titles, and search engines to retrieve valued relevant information; third party payers of mental health services have found that the DSM coding system works well as part of a practical method for their record keeping; with the aid of these codes, people do manage to access mental health services, mental health service providers do manage to get paid, and for-profit health companies do tend to make a profit.
So, from my discussions, those are the basic reasons supporters of the DSM say that it is useful. Actually, there is another usefulness of the DSM that, interestingly, I never hear supporters of the DSM mention, and yet critics of the DSM often mention. That usefulness is this: by using medical sounding terms to refer to all of the experiences that the DSM classifies as “mental disorders” it legitimizes in the minds of many the prescribing of drugs for these experiences.
There is an enormous amount of money being made from this approach because it takes less than a penny to manufacture each pill, and it can be sold for more than one thousand times that amount. With so much money being generated from this enterprise, the drug companies have managed to make it clear to powerful groups that what benefits the drug companies also benefits them. Examples are, major media outlets gain enormous revenues from drug company advertisements, and political campaigns get substantial support from the industry.
So this benefit is in a sense the elephant in the room. I fully see it, but nevertheless, I want to move it off to the side of the room for now, and ask you all to briefly ignore it. After I complete my main ideas, I’ll return to the elephant in my concluding remarks.
Keeping in mind just the usefulness of the DSM that its supporters tend to mention, it seems to me that if we are to have any hope that an alternative to the DSM might be widely adopted, we would have to be able to make an excellent case that the alternative would be just as helpful while, at the same time, have significantly less shortcomings.
What are these shortcomings? Well, in brief, critics of the DSM have expressed concerns that it tends to be stigmatizing to mental health service users; the DSM also simplistically devalues all of the experiences that it classifies as mental disorders despite the fact that there are a great number of people who have testified that having gone through these very types of experiences it brought forth valued fruits.
Leo Tolstoy
For example, Leo Tolstoy reported in his biography, My Confession, that by going through a period of suicidal depression, it led to one valued insight after another.
Joni Mitchell
As another example, the fine song writer, Joni Mitchell apparently went through, during her life, a number of very challenging emotional experiences that first received the full DSM psychopathologizing treatment. In time, her perspective changed, and at one point she expressed her new perspective in a song titled, “Hejira.” She wrote, “There’s comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s just as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.” Thus, for many, the framing of their experiences as mental disorders dramatically misses the mark; critics of the DSM also point out that it violates basic principles of science because of its vaguely defined constructs and thus low inter-rater reliability; the DSM also violates basic principles of humanistic psychology; and within the mental health field the DSM is a monopoly, with all of the drawbacks associated with such an organizational situation.
So, those are, in brief, the DSM shortcomings. Keeping them in mind along with its perceived benefits, is it possible to come up with an alternative that indeed does achieve all of the benefits that the DSM supporters claim for it, while, at the same time, has far fewer shortcomings? Well, for your consideration, I offer you the Classification and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Concerns, or, for short, the CSM. Not the DSM, but the CSM! Let’s look at what each chapter would contain.
Chapter 1
The first chapter would begin by stating that the developers of the CSM fully recognize that individuality outruns any classification system. It is for this reason that the CSM does not seek to classify anyone. Instead, it classifies the expressed concerns of individuals seeking to have their concerns addressed by a mental health service provider.
This first chapter would go on from here to explain that the CSM begins from the perspective of the person seeking services. Because the expression of a mental health concern is a clearly observable event that occurs at a specific time and place, by making it the event being classified in the CSM it solves the reliability problems that have been plaguing the DSM’s far more abstract concept of “mental disorders.”
After this statement, the CSM would clearly define its main construct:
A mental health concern occurs when a person seeking mental health services expresses to a mental health service provider a concern about any of these topics: behavior, emotion, mood, addictions, meaning of life, death, dying, managing chronic pain, work, relationships, education, eating, cognition, sleep, and challenging life situation.
So, those are the basic ingredients of Chapter 1.
Chapter 2
Chapter 2 would begin by explaining that the CSM has two classes of expressed concerns–Concerns expressed about oneself, and concerns expressed about someone else. An example of the first class is, Sally is seeking mental health services and expresses a concern to a mental health service provider that she has been experiencing a great deal of anxiety when she enters social situations. An example of the second class is Bob, a father, upon seeking counseling for his son, expresses a concern about his child’s behavior.
Each of these two classes of concerns would have under each of its headings a list of specific concerns, along with an assigned code to be used for third-party payer record keeping.
So, let’s quickly return to the example of Sally expressing a concern that she has been experiencing a great deal of anxiety in social situations. This would be referred to, for classification purposes, as a “social situation anxiety” concern. Notice that “social situation anxiety” is just three words, thus it is short enough to be used in article titles, book titles and search engines.
Each of the actual expressed concerns would be just as useful as the DSM terms for providing those in the mental health profession a common language for communication about those utilizing their services.
In this chapter 2, it would be explained how the creators of the CSM identified the list of concerns included in the CSM. These concerns would be identified by a survey of a sample of mental health service providers. Those filling out the survey would first read the definition of a mental health concern. Then they would list, in order of frequency, the various concerns that they had been asked to address in their practice over the course of the previous year. At the back of the CSM would be a summary of the findings of this survey and its related statistics.
Moving on to Chapter 3
As noted, the previous chapter would be designed to provide the method for identifying and coding a set of brief mental health concern descriptors suitable for a number of practical purposes. Once this is achieved the CSM then provides a method to develop a lengthier psychological formulation approach that is designed to fill in additional details about the expressed concern. Thus, Chapter 3 of the CSM would be devoted to describing good practice guidelines for the use of a type of psychological formulation that is consistent with the CSM’s philosophy of not psychopathologizing individuals. This type of psychological formulation provides an approach that expands on the brief expressed concerns of individuals by developing a narrative of several paragraphs. It can be defined as the process involving a mental health service user and a mental health service provider co-constructing a hypothesis or ‘best guess’ about the origins of the mental health service user’s concerns in the context of his or her strengths, relationships, social circumstances, cultural heritage, life events, and the sense that he or she has made of them.
Defending the CSM
Okay, these are the basic chapters of the CSM. Now let’s quickly recall that supporters of the DSM believe that it is a classification system that is useful because it provides a common language for mental health professionals to communicate with one another. I hope from what I have already said, that you can plainly see that the CSM would provide an alternative plain, humane language that would be just as practical as the DSM. But let’s look a little more closely at this via an example.
When I was doing my practicum at the University of Minnesota’s Counseling Center, I worked there for a whole year and we had no need to use the “mental disorder” jargon of the DSM to communicate. When my advisor asked me to quickly tell him about my morning cases, I would reply with words like, “My 9:00 a.m. case is concerned about feeling depressed, my 10:00 case is concerned about his failing grades, my 11:00 case is concerned about how anxious she is in social situations. If my advisor wanted to know more about a case, we went into the psychological formulation type of information. Communication flowed easily. This is how the CSM would work in practice.
The idea that the DSM’s coding system is a practical approach for third party payers’ record keeping is an essential point made by DSM supporters. With the following description, I think you will readily see that the CSM approach is just as practical.
Third party payer systems have a form that must be filled out whenever someone seeks mental health services under their plan. This form has a little box that currently says, “Diagnosis.” In that box, mental health professionals are required to fill in the DSM code that corresponds to their so-called diagnosis of the person seeking services.
With the CSM proposal, all that we would be asking third-party payer institutions to do differently in order to add value for their customers, is to slightly change that little box. Instead of just saying “Diagnosis” as it currently says, that box would add two simple words, so it would end up saying “Diagnosis or Concern.” Then, when mental health professionals fill in the box, they would be given the choice to either write in the letters “DSM-5” and its code number that corresponds to its so-called diagnosis, or they would write the letters CSM and its code number that corresponds to the expressed concern.
With the creation of the CSM, not only will mental health providers have a new option to choose from, but so too will mental health consumers. They would be given the choice to go to psychopathologizing mental health service providers or those using the CSM approach.
So, for third party payers, that’s all the change that would be required in order to increase value for a significant number of mental health providers and service users. And a major goal that all third-party payers have is to increase value for their customers. The cost and effort for adding this new option for these payers would be minimum.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the creation of the CSM would improve value for consumers of mental health services. It would provide a practical approach that offers a new choice for those mental health service users and providers who are dissatisfied with the DSM. It does so in a manner that is more scientific and humanistic. Moreover, the creation of the CSM would break up the DSM monopoly.
Now, let’s return to the elephant in the room. Let’s bring it forth, front and center.
Yes, the DSM’s medical jargon has an enormous benefit to the pharmaceutical industry. However, with the creation of the CSM, the elephant would still get fed. Those who prefer the DSM to the CSM would be able to continue to use it. The pharmaceutical industry will still be able to promote the drugs with images of a patient looking miserable and family members distraught, all in grey, black and white, followed by images of the same patient taking a pill, now smiling in vibrant living color, with the sun shining, and family members gathered around, and bouquets of flowers brightening the whole world. There will be plenty of people who will still seek to have their concerns washed away with the ease of swallowing a pill.
Despite drug companies being able to still make a great deal of money even if the CSM was to become widely adopted, no doubt the industry as a whole would still seek to try with all its might to maintain the monopoly it currently enjoys. No doubt, big money can be very influential in putting a stop to competition. I get that. But to help us to think a little more clearly about this, let’s use a metaphor fitting to our country’s current enormous interest in the presidential primary campaigns.
You all know about the discussions going on about how a few billionaires has so much influence on who will get to win. There is much truth to this concern, but I ask you to keep in mind that every now and then, a dark horse comes along that does manage to win despite all of the big money that went to supporting the favorite of the super-rich.
In my view, the CSM has the potential to be that type of dark horse. I’m hoping that this is so because there exists enough psychologists out there who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get down to do the necessary work of joining their efforts with those of other allied professionals and mental health consumer advocacy groups because they believe this is in the best interest of those they seek to serve.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
You say that you’re down on your luck. Well, most of us have found ourselves down there. I know I have, so, welcome to the club.
It just so happens that how you handle this period of time can lead you to lose your self-respect, and for others to also lose their respect for you; or it can be a great period of time during which you end up dramatically increasing your self-respect, and the respect others have for you.
How do we go about taking the preferable course? Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Show on “Luck” provides some important lessons.
Bob starts the show off with Paul Evans singing, “Happy Go Lucky Me.”
I can laugh When things aint funny (A haha) happy go lucky me
Yeah, I can smile When I aint got no money (A haha) happy go lucky me
Paul Evans
It may sound silly but Mmm, I don’t care I got the moonlight I got the sun I’ve got the stars above
Me and my filly well, we both share This slappy go happy, happy go lucky looovve
Well! Life is sweet whooa sweet as honey (A haha) happy go lucky me
The song tells us about a guy who, even when he’s down on his luck, can appreciate moonlight, the sun and the stars. At the same time, there is a laugh at the end of the song that sounds clearly strained. This is indeed part of the experience, and it is normal to spend some time being with the strained feelings. As we do, some find it helpful to gently remind themselves that there are aspects of life that are “sweet whooa sweet as honey.”
Next up on Bob’s show is B. B. King, king of the blues, singing “Bad Luck Soul.”
I ain’t got nobody and I don’t know what to do They say things will get better But I don’t believe it’s true I thought I had friends, but they all disappeared Doggone bad luck soul
Everything I do people Everything I do seems to be wrong It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I had a home
With blues like this, there is an acceptance that spending time experiencing sadness, anguish, and tears is part of life and something all human beings have in common. Blues music is popular with many of us precisely because as we listen, we experience a sharing of our personal grief with the blues artist. As down as we may feel, there is some comfort in knowing others go through this as well.
Today, it is popular to just try to snap out of these experiences, perhaps by going to a psychiatrist to get some pills. For me, personally, in addition to listening to some blues music, I meditate twice a day. I find that as I meditate, there are times when I experience waves and waves of bluesy feelings. In meditation, during these times, there is no need to explain, no need to try to talk myself out of this experience. I just experience its fullness, its richness as it enriches my soul.
In the most difficult of these kinds of experiences, it can feel like an awful punch in the gut, and the such feelings can sometimes drag on hour after lonely hour, then spill over from one day to the next, and at various points I might cry out in anguish, “Please god, please make it stop!” So, in no way do I mean to suggest that with meditation such experiences can be a breeze to get through.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
On Bob’s Theme Time Radio show, he likes to read us some poetry from time to time. On his “luck” show, he tells us that Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Shallow men believe in luck, strong men believe in cause and effect.”
A little later, he tells us that,
Emily Dickinson had some feelings about luck. She didn’t think it was chance at all. Here’s what she had to say, “Luck is not chance, it’s toil. Fortune’s expensive smile is earned.”
Hmm. Upon thinking bout this, I think the quote is worth thinking about, but at the same time, it’s important to recognize that we can experience some bad luck that is in no way our fault. The families that lost love ones from the World Trade bombings, and suffered from that loss, hardly could be blamed for what had occurred.
This point is relevant as we move on to the part of Bob’s show when he answers his emails.
This one’s from William McDuff. He writes, “Dear Bob, I heard that next weeks’s subject is going to be about luck. Well, I’m the original bad luck kid. If it started raining soup, I’d be stuck with a fork. What can I do to turn my luck around?”
Well, Bill, you don’t mind if I call you Bill, do you, there is no such thing as bad luck. As Ray Kroc, who started McDonald’s once said, “Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” Henry Ward Beecher, believed pretty much the same thing. “I never knew an early rising, careful, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.”
I hope your luck turns around Bill, and even if it doesn’t, you’re always welcome here on Theme Time Radio Hour, where we like to remind you that in the words of Roosevelt Sykes, “You can’t be lucky all of the time.”
I think Bob’s point is well worth thinking about, but at the same time, if you take from it the belief that falling on bad luck is always your fault, that would, in my opinion, be a mistake.
After Bob’s response to this email, he plays Sykes’ blues song, “You Can’t Be Lucky All of the Time,” which tells us about a woman who has been, of late, very lucky, but she may not want to rest too comfortably upon this luck for long because hard luck may be just around the corner.
After a few more songs, it’s poetry time once again:
Robert Burns
The poet, Robert Burns had a few words to tell us about the fickle fortune of luck. Let me share them with ya.
Though fickle Fortune has deceived me, She promis’d fair and perform’d but ill; Of mistress, friends, and wealth bereav’d me, Yet I bear a heart shall support me still.
I’ll act with prudence as far ‘s I’m able, But if success I must never find, Then come misfortune, I bid thee welcome, I’ll meet thee with an undaunted mind.
Of the last few great songs that Bob plays on this edition of “Theme Time Radio Hour,” I liked the best, Wynn Stewart’s “Three Cheers for the Loser.”
Wynn Stewart
Now gather around me blues I’d like to make a toast Let’s all extend three cheers To a guy that’s lost the most
I don’t want your pity Or your sympathy Just three cheers for the loser That’s me
Well, I set out to win her Knowin’ I might lose I didn’t think I’d end up Talkin’ to the blues
The only thing I didn’t lose Is her haunting memory Three cheers for the loser That’s me
Now blues I stand before you And I’m still hurtin’ yet The things I’ve been through You know I won’t forget
Still I took it like a man You know I set her free Three cheers for the loser That’s me
Frank Sinatra
Bob closes his “Luck” show with a great, swinging rendition of “Here’s to the Losers,” sung by old blue eyes, Frank Sinatra:
Here’s to those who love not too wisely, know not wisely, but too well To the girl who sighs with envy when she hears that wedding bell To the guy who’d throw a party if he knew someone to call Here’s to the losers, bless them all
Here’s to those who drink their dinners when that lady doesn’t show To the girl who’ll wait for kisses underneath that mistletoe To the lonely summer lovers when the leaves begin to fall Here’s to the losers, a-bless them all
Hey, Tom, Dick and Harry, come in out of the rain Those torches you carry must be drowned in champagne
Here’s the last toast of the evening, here’s to those who still believe All the losers will be winners, all the givers shall receive Here’s to trouble-free tomorrows, may your sorrows all be small Here’s to the losers, bless them all
Well, that’s my show for this week. Till next time, whether your luck is up or down, you can count on the mighty wheel of fortune to keep turning round.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
This blog has frequently advocated that it is beneficial for all if we treat others respectfully. At times we focussed on a respectful way to provide negative criticism–no glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. At other times, we focussed on the best way to respond to negative criticism–listen in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that we fully understand what was said by providing a summary.
Although posts like these were generally well received, some comments argued that they didn’t apply to work settings. “A good boss doesn’t have time to be nice!” claimed one person. Another argued that “A boss has to be tough or he or she will be taken advantage of, and the whole organization will end up suffering.”
Well, an excellent article once appeared in the New York Times that delves into this issue. Titled “No Time to Be Nice,” the author, Christine Porath, tells us that how we treat one another at work matters. “Insensitive interactions have a way of whittling away at people’s health, performance and souls.”
Early in the article, Ms. Porath reviews research demonstrating that stressful jobs increase the risk of a cardiovascular event by 38 percent, and a major source of work related stress is how the boss treats employees.
Bosses produce demoralized employees through a string of actions: walking away from a conversation because they lose interest; answering calls in the middle of meetings without leaving the room; openly mocking people by pointing out their flaws or personality quirks in front of others; reminding their subordinates of their “role” in the organization and “title”; taking credit for wins, but pointing the finger at others when problems arise.
Although in surveys people say they are afraid they will not rise in an organization if they are really friendly and helpful, research evidence indicates the opposite is true–behavior involving politeness and regard for others in the workplace pays off. Those seen as civil were twice as likely to be viewed as leaders.
Ms. Porath tells us:
Civility elicits perceptions of warmth and competence….these two traits drive our impressions of others, accounting for more than 90 percent of the variation in the positive or negative impressions we form of those around us. These impressions dictate whether people will trust you, build relationships with you, follow you and support you.
The reason that some people don’t believe the research findings is that they see mean bosses who seem to succeed despite being rude and thoughtless. Whereas it is true that some bosses can be highly successful while being mean, it is not being mean that makes them successful. They succeed despite their incivility, not because of it. If they happen to have highly talented people working for them, or their company is particularly profitable because their product is much better than the competition, the boss may get the credit. But studies reviewed by Ms. Porath demonstrate that the No. 1 characteristic associated with an executive’s failure is an insensitive, abrasive or bullying style.
Power can force compliance. But insensitivity or disrespect often sabotages support in crucial situations. Employees may fail to share important information and withhold efforts or resources. Sooner or later, uncivil people sabotage their success — or at least their potential. Payback may come immediately or when they least expect it, and it may be intentional or unconscious.
There is far more in the “No Time to Be Nice” article worth studying, and I highly recommend giving it a thorough read. Ms. Porath’s article is a breath of fresh air to all of us who advocate that treating people respectfully is in all of our best interests.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Habitual ways of acting often can’t be overcome by a single discussion. Thus, it helps to bring before our conscience some ideas a few times over the course of several months. With that in mind, let’s review some of the ideas we have discussed earlier on this blog about conflict and the desire to be liked. By utilizing a fresh new batch of comics I hope to demonstrate that we can have some fun as we go about this.
Letting Someone You Like Know You Like Them is a Key to Resolving Many a Conflict
As good old Charlie Brown makes clear, it is hugely important for him to be liked. This happens to be true for most of us.
As we discussed in an earlier post, this desire to be liked often becomes threatened when we find that we are embroiled in a conflict. To settle things down to a level at which reasonableness has a chance to prevail, if you happen to like the other party, you might find it helpful to mention this.
I remember one time long ago when I was a mere eighteen years old, I had planned to go to see a movie with a friend. He arrived so late that we missed the show and I became angry.
Did I have a conflict with my friend? On this blog, when we look to see if there is a conflict in a situation, we use the phrase “DIG for the conflict” to help us to answer this question. The word DIG helps us to remember to look for a desire, something that interferes with the desire, and if someone feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong. In the situation I described, I desired to go see this movie and my friend interfered with this desire by arriving late. I felt he was guilty of being inconsiderate. And so I did end up having a conflict with my friend for coming late.
When we use the DIG Conflict Model, we also use the word DIG to remind us to dig a little deeper when thinking about a conflict. A tool that we use to dig deeper is to remember that people typically desire to be liked. With that in mind, can I describe a different type of conflict that occurred within me when my friend came late? Here’s one. I desired to be liked and when my friend came late I felt he interfered with this desire because it seemed to me that if he really liked me, he would have shown up on time. I felt he was guilty of treating me disrespectfully.
Back then when I was eighteen, how did I react to my friend coming late? I started shouting and calling him names. A popular way for people to respond to the way I was acting is to shout louder and to try to return the insults with insults. But rather than throwing insults at me, this friend of mine quietly heard me out, and then he looked sadly down at the ground for a few seconds, then he looked up into my eyes, and said softly, “Jeff, your friendship means a lot to me. I like you a ton and a half. I’m real sorry I was late.”
My anger eased, and within a few minutes we were having our usual good time together.
Responding to Criticism Immaturely Can Leave You All Alone
Here we see that Lucy interprets Charlie Brown’s question as criticism. She responds by shouting and displaying other signs of defensiveness such as wildly waving her fists all around. Charlie Brown soon hurries away.
Using the DIG Conflict Model, we might describe this situation as follows: As we know, Charlie Brown desires to be liked. Lucy’s response to his question perhaps interfered with this desire because he believes that when people like you they don’t speak to you in the tone of voice that Lucy used. He might have also felt she was guilty of treating him disrespectfully. Perhaps Charlie Brown abruptly left in response to this conflict he had with Lucy.
In an earlier post titled “Responding to Criticism: Four Levels Of Maturity” we see that Lucy’s style of responding to criticism tends to decrease one’s likability. It also increases the chance that it will create unnecessary conflicts.
What would be a more mature response? In my earlier post, I described one of the most mature ways to respond to criticism as follows:
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
What response could have Lucy made in response to Charlie Brown’s question that would have earned her a level closer to a 4 rating? It might be worth discussing this with a few friends. One answer might be something like this:
Lucy smiles and says, “That’s a reasonable question, Charlie Brown. Let me think about this for a few seconds.” She then pauses and rubs her chin, thus showing that she is taking his question seriously. Then she might have said, “I just thought I’d see if I could make more money in the winter by raising my rates.” If Lucy did this without any defensiveness, I think it probably would have come off as more likable than the way she did act in the comic. And perhaps Charlie Brown’s desire to be liked would have become less threatened.
Even Mature People Find It Difficult to Deal With Too Much Criticism In Too Short A Period Of Time
Here Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead end up having a conflict with their neighbors. That is, the Bumsteads had a desire to have a pleasant evening with their new neighbors, but the neighbors constant negative comments interfered with this desire. In the end, the Bumsteads perhaps felt their new neighbors were guilty of being too negative.
One of the main desires that people have is to be liked. If we criticize people before we establish that we like them, they are much more likely to feel that we will not like them. This dramatically increases the likelihood of heightened levels of defensiveness. If, instead, we seek first to establish that we do esteem our new companions, while holding off any negative criticism until a close, friendly relationship has been established, perhaps this would be a wiser course of action. Even after establishing a close friendly relationship, perhaps it still makes sense to avoid giving too much criticism in too short a period of time.
Well, those are some ideas I wanted to review today. In sum, when you are in the midst of a conflict, if you happen to like the other party, it often makes sense to do something to let him or her know it. Even if you don’t particularly like or dislike the other party in a conflict, it is often better if you avoided acting in ways that might be interpreted as disliking him or her. The more mature levels of responding to criticism are less likely to lead others to feel you don’t like them and increases the chances that they will like you. When you are just beginning a new relationship, it is usually better to keep any negative criticism to a minimum until you establish that you genuinely like the other party, and even then, be careful to avoid too much negative criticism in too short a period of time.
I hope you had some fun while we went about reviewing these ideas. May the rest of your week be filled with delightful human interactions.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
A group of my male friends and I get together about once a month to play a little poker. Because my wife and I did some traveling last winter, I happened to miss a couple of these fun events. Upon my return, I was notified of when the next poker night would occur. As I arrived, one of my buddies, noticing my entrance, cried out, “Oh no, Jeff’s back!” On the heals of this comment came a chorus of moans, sprinkled with laughter. Accompaning all of this were some warm handshakes and pats on the back.
Mike Gilmartin, a fellow player, always writes up a little summary of the evening events. To give you a little flavor of how, upon my return, the rest of the evening went, I thought I would share with you his summary. I edited out some of it because unless you know the backstories of our relationships, you would have no idea what he was referring to. Here’s what is left:
THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER: YEAR 17, ROUND 6
First hand won: Unbeatable golf partners, Stevie Wonder & Mike, split the pot.
Last hand (showdown) won: Mike’s artfully constructed full-house is bulldozed by Gordie’s wild card-tainted straight flush.
Best beat: Steve’s four kings put a whuppin’ on Almont’s four jacks in Bowling for Dollars….
Psychology major at work moment; In order to break his poker losing streak, Almont walks around the table three times, clicks his heels, and voila, starts winning.
Pie in the sky moment: Woody delivers two, count ’em, two pies for the game. When he is out of the room, there is talk of chipping in to buy him a frilly apron for next season’s games. Gordie will check with Nancy [Woody’s wife] to see if Woody favors gingham or polka dots.
Now we’re wondering why we missed him moment: Jeff’s return to the poker table reminds one and all that incoherence, forgetfulness, and ineptness are not all that admirable….
Thanks to all for playing.
A couple of weeks ago, I first brought up this topic of friends insulting one another (see post titled “Insults Amongst Friends“). There, in an effort to give you a sense of how this tends to get played out, I described some of the events that transpired when my friends and I recently went on a baseball trip. Today’s post is focussed on explaining why we do insult one another.
Why Friends Playfully Insult Each Other
One answer that quickly comes to mind is that it’s fun. The insults often lead to laughter, and laughter is typically a pleasant experience. If we do something that leads to a pleasant feeling, we tend to do similar acts in the future in the hope that it will again lead to pleasant feelings.
But this answer begs the question, why do insults among friends lead to laughter? Mike, the writer of the poker night summary I shared above, when asked this question, said that it is actually a way to say to your buddies that you like them without being mawkish about it.
His comment reminded me of a number of comedy roasts that are readily available on Youtube. If you’ve watched any of them, no doubt you’ve noticed that the person being roasted is actually the person being honored. Nevertheless, they are subjected to a barrage of insults most of the time, although there are, toward the end of a series of insults by each presenter, a sentence or two of heartwarming praise.
Mike, when I discussed this with him, added that, “Our friends, rather than feel bad because I insult them in my summary write-up, are more likely to actually feel bad if I accidentally forget to insult them. The insults are a way that brings us all together under the banner that “No shame is too great to bear.”
Although there is much truth to Mike’s take on this, I think there is a little more going on. In my view, most of the time that we laugh it’s because something reminds us of a shameful experience which touches a set of nerves even before we have time to think more fully about what is actually going on. Upon realizing we are among friends who all have had to undergo a shameful experience or two, it unites us in this common experience and we are relieved that this is being shared with those whom we are confident like us despite our very real shortcomings. It is this sense of relief that is expressed as laughter.
And our laughter serves as well as a special form of communication. When someone tries out a friendly insult, there is a very brief moment when the insulter and those listening in are not quite sure that the insulted party will take the kidding as a real insult intended to make someone actually feel awful. Doing something that leads to a friend feeling awful would be experienced as shame. When the target of the playful insult laughs, there is a sense of relief that the playful insult has been taken in a pleasant way, and it is this relief that is expressed as shared laughter among friends.
Laughter is believed to be instinctual because even people who are born blind and deaf still laugh. And those who study the connection of our brains and laughter have found that it begins by triggering some action in the oldest part of the brain, a part of the brain that came about when language and thinking development was at its most rudimentary stage. And so we are provoked to laugh at times even when we are not sure why we are doing it.
Professor Robert R. Provine
Robert R. Provine, is a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Professor Provine conducted a number of studies of laughter and authored the book Laughter: a Scientific Investigation. One of his studies was a survey of laughter. He and some graduate students listened in on average conversations in public places and made notes. And in a survey of 1,200 “laugh episodes,” he found that only 10%-20% of laughs were generated by anything resembling a joke.
The other 80%-90% of comments that received a laugh were dull non-witticisms. For example, people often begin to laugh as they start to leave some people after a period during which they were all interacting and they began to say such things like, “I’ll see you guys later” and “It was nice meeting you.” Why would people be prone to laugh then?
Well, it seems to me that just as we are departing from an interaction with others, we may have deep down in the emotional center of our brains, some concern that our interactions might have come off as negative or even shameful. As we begin to observe the behavior of the other parties that were involved in the interaction, some may be perceived as indicating that things had gone well. Comments like, “Gee, this was really fun,” or “Let’s get together again real soon,” are monitored carefully to see if they are perceived as sincere. At such times, sometimes we begin to experience at some deep level of our emotional brain that some of these comments do indeed appear to be sincere, and a sense of relief is experienced. These perceived reliefs are expressed as laughter, or nervous laughter, as they are sometimes referred to.
Our laughter then communicates to others that at least someone enjoyed the interactions, and there is some relief experienced by the other parties concerned about how their own interactions were perceived, and the laughter spreads.
There is a similar phenomenon going on when we are amongst friends. When our friends point out our shortcomings, the emotional part of our brain begins to become concerned. The relief that we experience a fraction of a second later because we realize we are among people whom we have some good reason to believe like us despite our shortcoming is expressed as laughter. There is then some additional relief experienced by others from the sound of the insulted parties laugh and the laughter spreads.
Now, I hasten to point out that I have among my close friends, two guys who don’t take well to playful insults. Consequently, my friends and I largely respect this characteristic of them by avoiding throwing any barbed comments their way. Why make a friend feel bad just because the rest of us enjoy this fun form of interacting. So I urge you to keep this in mind. Consider keeping an eye out for those individuals. Some of them might laugh just out of concern that the rest of us might think less of them if they let on that they can’t take a playful joke, but inside they might be cringing. You can usually pick up who feels this way by the nature of their laugh, which typically is more halfhearted than typical. Sometimes they get obviously annoyed and defensive.
And if I might offer one more suggestion in this regard, consider the comedic roasting of an honored guest we see from time to time on TV. Just like those doing the roasting take a little time after the friendly insults to say some kind words, you might be wise to do likewise.
Well, that’s my post for this week. Until next time, may you all have some fun without hurting anyone’s feelings.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
When his father lost his job because of a serious illness, John qualified for a free lunch pass at school. The first time John showed the cashier at the school’s lunch line his pass, Fred, a husky boy standing behind John, started to laugh and cry out to others, “Hey guys, get a load of this! John has a free lunch pass. What’s the matter, John, your parents can’t afford to buy you lunch.”
“That will be enough of that, Fred!” scolded the cashier. At that same moment, John turned to Fred and hollered, “Shut your big mouth, you fat pig!” Both boys started swinging at each other, and it took three school officials to pull them apart.
Insults and The Wisdom Of My Youth
When I was growing up in Brooklyn, I, along with everyone I knew, had to deal with insults, and this was not always an easy task. The entire body of wisdom that I received on how to handle these types of experiences basically amounted to a mere three sentences:
1. “If people throw an insult at you, throw an insult right back at them.”
2. “If throwing insults back at the insulter doesn’t shut them up, slug them right in the kisser, that’ll teach them to keep their big mouth shut!”
3. “You should just ignore insults.”
Despite these words of advice, I found that when those that I knew and I had insults thrown at us, often a great deal of strong emotions would arise, and the way we handled these situations often left behind an uncomfortable, often bitter, state of affairs.
Difficulty Dealing With Insults Extends Far Beyond Brooklyn’s Borders
As years went by, I found that difficulty dealing with insults was not just something that occurred in Brooklyn; it was actually a problem area for many throughout the world.
As I began to study psychology at the University of Minnesota, I found that many individuals who seek mental health services because of concerns around feelings of depression often are spending a great amount of time insulting themselves. A major reason that they do this is that they know people who are treating them disrespectfully, or when they were younger, someone had treated them in a very disrespectful manner. I also found that violent offenders typically become violent because they perceive that someone had insulted them, the situation escalated and eventually someone was seriously hurt. Now the community was paying millions of dollars to deal with the aftermath.
A Brooklyn Boy Tries to Improve On the Wisdom Of His Youth
As I began my professional career in Rochester, New York, immediately I received referrals from teachers who wanted me to help students who were having difficulty handling insults. I quickly learned that the same three wisdom sentences that I had learned to respond to criticism when I was growing up in Brooklyn were already well known to these students, and despite this, things weren’t going at all well. And so it fell upon me to try to come up with some better ways to deal with these types of problems.
I soon found some approaches that worked rather well. Of course, I always began by making a personal connection with the student by asking what they liked to do. Usually some things that they liked were things I liked as well. Rock music, some of the talented athletes of the day, a TV program or two, would come up, and once our enthusiasm for a few topics were shared, we would get on with working on some new ways to deal with insults. Throughout this process, they would criticize me from time to time, and I sought to model the patterns of behavior I hoped these students would learn.
Illustration by Lois Hubertz
Before long, I would point out that everyone experiences name calling, insults, and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and rock stars. If someone insults you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.
I then tell them the story of John and how Fred laughs at him on the lunch line when he uses, for the first time, his free lunch pass. Afterwards, I ask:
“Why do you think Fred laughs at John?”
The typical response is, “It’s because Fred is mean.”
“It may seem that way,” I reply, but think about this for a moment. Comedians have learned that if they pretend to accidentally trip and fall down, people laugh. Why do you think they laugh?”
Typical answer: “It’s just funny.”
Me: “Did you ever laugh when you saw somebody trip and fall?”
Typical answer: “Yeah.”
Me: “Because you’re mean?”
Typical answer: “No.”
Me: Well then, how come?
Typical answer: “It’s just funny.”
Me: “Sometimes it does seem to be funny. But you know why I think people laugh?”
Typical answer: “Why?”
Me: “I think that when people see someone trip and fall, it reminds them of when they, themselves, tripped and fell or messed up in some other embarrassing way. They remember how embarrassing it was, and it is a relief to them to see that they aren’t the only ones who sometimes mess up. It is that relief that they feel that leads to their laugh.
“In that story that I told you about John and Fred, when Fred laughs at John on the lunch line, I think it’s not because he’s being mean. It’s because he recalled that there were times when something embarrassing happened to him. Seeing John use his free lunch pass was a relief to Fred.
“One reason I think this is true is that people who have had the most embarrassing things happen to them are, from my experience, usually the quickest to start to laugh when something embarrassing happens to someone else. They also laugh the loudest, and they are the quickest to tell others of the embarrassing thing that happened to someone else. Do you understand what I mean?”
With this type of discussion, students referred to me very soon get to understand that when someone laughs at you, often it isn’t really because they are being mean to you. Rather, they see that you are similar to them in that you have had to deal with some embarrassing problems, just like them.
Helping students to learn this idea, which takes several reminders in the form of severalCool Steve Stories over several counseling sessions, changes their belief that “people who laugh at me are just being mean.” As they replace that belief with this new idea, their anger is reduced. Thus, it becomes easier to teach them other skills that go way beyond the three-sentence words of wisdom that most people are being taught–skills like how to recognize when laughing at someone begins to go beyond the typical emotional relief that many of us experience when we see someone else do something embarrassing and turns into bullying; and skills like the five levels of maturity for responding to negative criticism (see here and here).
During my professional career I was getting paid to provide advice on these types of interpersonal and intrapersonal problems. Now that I’m comfortably retired, I have a calling to give back something to our communities. So, through my blog, “From Insults to Respect,” I offer, for free, the same advice I used to get paid for. It’s a labor of love.
Conclusion
Let’s conclude today’s post by returning to a situation very similar to the one with which we began. This time, however, thirteen-year old John, had had quite a bit of practice on handling this type of situation with a wise teacher before he met Fred. Now, faced with Fred’s laughter and comment, John chooses to respond on the lunchroom line in a manner that is very different than my Brooklyn upbringing suggested was wise. Let’s take a look at how this might get played out:
Fred, a husky boy standing behind John, starts to laugh and cries out to others, “Hey guys, get a load of this! John has a free lunch pass. What’s the matter, John, your parents can’t afford to buy you lunch?”
John turns to Fred, looks squarely into Fred’s eyes, and says firmly, “You’re right, Fred, right now my parents can’t afford to buy me lunch.”
A couple of the guys laugh. John says to himself, “They’re laughing because embarrassing things happened to them. They’re feeling inside a sense of relief now that they’re seeing something embarrassing happening to someone else.”
Throughout this process, John does experience within himself some embarrassment at what is taking place. As he notices this, from time to time he says to himself, “My feelings are natural and helpful. They will help me to remember this experience, and lead me to try to figure out how I can work toward improving my current situation.
This time there is no bloody, violent fight that has to be broken up by three school personnel. And although John is not happy with his current situation, he is far more comfortable with it knowing that if he is teased about it, he has a set of skills that has the potential to enhance his reputation.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
A few months ago I was going to be a guest on the “Anger 911” radio show. The host of the show, Janet Pfeiffer, is an expert on anger and a TV personality, appearing on such networks as “Fox News,” “CNN,” “ABC News,” “CBS News,” “Lifetime,” and “The 700 Club.”
Since my interview was coming up, I began to think about what I might say. As it happened, I was able to get some fresh material on dealing with insults because that was the week that my male friends and I went on our annual baseball trip. We have been doing this for over twenty years, and it involves going to some professional baseball games over an extended weekend. Amongst ourselves, we throw quite a few insults at each other. It’s all in good fun, for the most part.
For this year’s trip, six of us left Friday afternoon, traveling about three hours south to Reading, Pennsylvania, to see its minor league team in the evening. The next day we drove back up north about an hour to catch the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Railriders play.
The first set of insults that caught my attention was at our breakfast at a Reading diner. The waitress began to take our orders, and the first few were the usual breakfast fare of eggs, toast, and some meat, either sausage or ham. Then it was my turn. As soon as the waitress looked at me, pencil in hand, my friends started to perk up and, one said to her, “Oh no, brace yourself, here comes the nutcase.” Another said to the waitress, “You’re not going to believe this!”
I ordered my usual oatmeal, wholewheat toast, and orange juice, which, to my friends, was hardly proper manly food. One friend cried out, “Did you bring your flax seed oil with you, for crying out loud!” Eyes were rolling, and the laughter, catching. Before long our whole table got a belly load of chuckles out of this line of insults.
A little later, we were walking along the main avenue of Reading, looking at the shops, and one of my friends came over to me. “Jeff,” he said, “I have to say that I love having you join us on our trips because it takes a lot of pressure off of me when it comes to the guys throwing insults around. Before you came with us, I was the main target of insults, and now, I still get plenty, but at least at times the guys are so focussed on insulting you that at least I get a break. It’s amazing that it doesn’t seem to bother you. When it happens with me, it starts to get to me after awhile. How do you manage to always keep so cool about it?”
I replied that, “To me, it’s like water off a duck’s back, and it’s all in good fun.”
But as we continued to walk, I did recall that there was one set of insults that the guys like to throw at me from time to time that does sting a bit. It involves an incident that occurred about 25 years ago. I had taken my infant child, Jack, for a walk in his stroller. He had fallen soundly asleep, and as I passed the local jewelry store, I decided to stop in because it was getting pretty close to my wife’s birthday. After looking at a few items, I decided to give it some thought before making a purchase. My mind was caught up comparing two items in my mind as I began to leave the store, and I completely forgot that my son, who was sleeping silently in the stroller off in the corner of the store, was with me. And so, as I began to leave, someone I knew who happened to also be in the store, noticed I was leaving without my son. “Aren’t you going to take your son with you?” he enquired with a huge smile on his face. Embarrassed, I quickly thanked him and retrieved Jack.
Well, this story got around to all of my friends, and it began to get incredibly exaggerated, so that in one form of the story, I was half a block away from the store without Jack until someone finally ran me down to come and get him. And in yet another form of the story, I was blocks away from the store before someone finally caught up with me.
There is no question that I indeed get caught up in my thoughts and therefore forget what the heck I’m doing somewhat more than average, and so I accept a little teasing about this. But if the truth was told, the story of forgetting my son in the store is something I experience with a little thud in my heart. And so, as I thought about this, I found an increased ability to sympathize with my friend who had, just moments before, shared with me the difficulty he had with some insults, even among his friends.
Later on the trip, I was sitting with another friend in the back of a car, while two other friends were in the the front seats. The driver accidentally went past the left turn he was supposed to have taken, and the guy sitting next to him in the front seat began to throw insults, in a friendly way, at the driver. “Don’t you know how to drive, you putz!”
If it was me getting this line of insults, I would have just replied with something like, “Oops,” and then just laughed along, but the driver, instead, recalled a time when the insulter had made even a bigger mistake driving. “Oh yeah,” he cried, “how about the time we were on the fishing trip and you said you knew the way, and then, after a half hour going in the wrong direction, you finally admitted you had no idea where the hell we were?!!”
The bickering over who had made more driving mistakes over the years continued in the two front seats of the car for quite some time until the guy I was sitting with in the back cried out in exasperation, “You two sound like an old married couple.” With that, the two in the front seat banded together to insult the guy who made the old married couple remark. Although it appeared that it was all in good fun, I wondered if there was some underlying discomfort going on.
The next day, as we were heading home, there was some more insults being thrown around, which seemed to be pleasant enough, but at one point, one guy said, “Let’s cut out the insults for awhile, it’s starting to feel like it’s getting a little old.” The guy who had just before thrown an insult at the guy making the request couldn’t help making one more insulting comment, something like, “What’s the matter, baby, you can’t take a little kidding.” The others present, smiled, and then, for the remainder of the trip, we all switched over to a more supportive mode of treating one another.
Upon reflection, I liked what the guy who asked for a break in the insults had said. He noticed that the insults were beginning to get to him, and he spoke up in a manner that struck me as a respectful tone. And it was great to see my buddies were willing to back off when it became known how at least one of us was beginning to feel.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Today we’re going to take a look at that treasure of an emotion, happiness. Although I’ve written on this this topic twice before (see “The Desire for Happiness” and “Hope and Happiness as Emotions)” there remains much left to be said.
The topic of happiness is relevant to insults and respect in a variety of ways. For example, if you tell people that your goal of life is to be happy, some may insult you for being shallow and lose a certain amount of respect for you. To Albert Einstein, happiness is perhaps a fitting goal for a herd of cattle. Goals of life that he admired fell under the umbrellas of truth, justice, and beauty.
Similarly, the great sage from Concord, Ralph Waldo Emerson, was not a fan of having happiness as a goal of life as we can readily see from the following quote:
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived, and lived well.
Why do some people object to having happiness as one’s main goal in life? Well, for some, it conjures up an image of people apparently satisfied with a life of chiefly lying on their couches drinking alcohol, taking pills, and watching as much TV as they can get away with. But there are people who say that their goal of life is happiness, and yet when you observe them, they are hardly shallow individuals, and their life activities don’t in any way match that of the image of couch potatoes. So, perhaps you are beginning to see, there are subtleties to this topic, subtleties which my earlier posts failed to adequately address.
As a fun way to explore further the issues that surround the experience of happiness, let’s utilized Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour show episode on “happiness.” For those of you who would like to hear this delightful and thought provoking episode, it’s available for free on the internet HERE.
Bob’s Introduction to His Happiness Theme
With a stirring upbeat big band sound in the background, Bob opens his show with the following words:
Welcome everybody to Theme Time Radio Hour. It’s good to see so many familiar faces. I stopped off downstairs, got all the latest gossip from Carl’s Barbershop. I see they slapped on a new coat of paint in the lobby of the old Abernathy Building, and I’m happy to say that the coffee at Sampson’s is as strong as it ever was. Yes indeed-ee-doo, I could not be happier to be with you today. Even more so because today’s theme is something the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence guarantees us the pursuit of, along with life and liberty. You guessed it. Stick around for the next hour where we’ll be playing songs all about happiness. I can’t guarantee that I’m gonna make you happy, but I’m gonna do my darndest.
Bob then launches into a swinging song by Hot Lips Page, titled “Feelin’ High and Happy.”
Better slip into your evenin’ clothes, There’s a dance tonight at Joe’s, Let’s go, I’m feelin’ high and happy I’ve reserved a ringside seat for two, Nothin’ but the best will do, Let’s go, I’m feelin’ high and happy
As I listened to this song, I began to wonder what is it about going out to listen and to dance to lively music that often leads to feelings of happiness. Upon reflection, it came to me that typically people have desires to get some exercise and to be with some fun people. As these needs are met we begin to feel happy. And yet, as I thought about this a little more, it occurred to me that whenever I’ve gone out dancing, the songs and music are not only upbeat. There’s always some bluesy stuff thrown into the mix.
Even the lively “Feelin’ High and Happy” song has a line in it that reveals some troubles:
I just went into hock for everything,
When I do that it’s so we can swing
You know I’m feelin’ high and happy!
Whether the songs of troubles are about money, loss of love, struggles with drugs, or pretty much anything else, they almost always become part of the night of seeking a good time. Why is that?
I know, for me, the fact that I do have struggles that I’m seeking to overcome makes my life more interesting and meaningful. When I’m reminded of the struggles that I have had to overcome to achieve my desires, I find that it makes the happiness of achieving my desires ever more enjoyable. In fact, I don’t think we could be happy without the struggles that go along with achieving our desires.
Later in Bob’s Show On Happiness
Shortly after the Hot Lips Page song, Bob plays us a little audio clip of the pharmaceutical industry’s style of trying to sell happiness in the form of a pill:
Today, medical science recognizes that some folks aren’t helped by relaxing exercises. Doctors are now prescribing anxiety medicine. It makes those who fear they are about to quit, feel like they are ready to begin, bidding their darken spirits goodbye for the calming spirit of a cloudless sky.
I got the distinct impression Bob’s a bit skeptical of this salesman’s pitch.
Bob’s next song is by the soulful Al Green, “Nothing But Love and Happiness.” It begins,
Love and happiness (yeah) Something that can make you do wrong Make you do right Love and happiness
The lyrics point out that as we seek to fulfill our desire for love there are times when things just don’t always end up on the happiness side of the spectrum. On the other hand, if we do find a love that works the way we might have dreamed was possible, love can make you wanna dance and sing.
In Bob’s next bit, he provides us a philosophical epigram:
Richard Gere told me something the Dali Lama once said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Hmmmm.
And then he introduces another song:
“Here’s Jimmie Heap and the Melody Masters, ‘Then I’ll be Happy.'”
The song begins,
I wanna go where you go, Do what you do, Love when you love, Then I’ll be happy!
I wanna sigh when you sigh, Cry when you cry, Smile when you smile, Then I’ll be happy!
We get a pretty clear sense in this song that there may be a deeper source of happiness that comes from some types of relationships even if it means sharing some tears from time to time. It has a kind, pleasant country feel to it.
Soon, Bob mixes a little philosophy with humor:
“One way to have a happy home is to practice Feng Shui, which in Chinese means wind and water. These are the things that flow naturally. Feng Shui causes us to focus on the qi, which is the energy of life and is incorporated in every part of our life.
“The bedroom is considered the most important room of the house and should have qualities of stillness and softness. You should use pleasing textures. The entrance of the house is also important. This is the transition from the outer world to your domain.
“Feng Shui isn’t just important for humans. The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4500 to a Feng Shui expert to make their monkeys from China feel more at home. I don’t think it was the Feng Shui that made them feel happy. I just think that monkeys just liked the idea that zoo keepers are willing to pay $4500 on them.”
Of the next few songs that Bob plays, the one that made me think most deeply about today’s topic is “Happy” by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. Some of the lyrics tell us:
They warn you about killers and thieves and knives I worry about cancer and living right But my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite Or the pitfalls of control How it locks you in your grave Looking for someone to be saved under my restraint So I could be happy Happy Oh so happy
The lyrics, I think, remind us that although happiness comes from achieving our goals, some goals, when achieved only make us happy in the short term. In the end we pay too great a price for the fleeting happiness that comes from “destructive” appetites. Of course drug addictions are the most well known of these, but trying to force people to be under your control has its pitfalls as well.
As the Show Winds Down
The last song that Bob plays on his happiness show has a little lesson for us. It’s Happy Trails to You, by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. I really like this verse:
Happy trails to you Till we meet again Some trails are happy ones Others are blue It’s the way you ride the trail That counts Here’s a happy one for you
Then Bob leaves us with a poem called “Happiness” by Jane Kenyon. I think that’s a fine way to end today’s post as well. Enjoy the poem, and I hope you visit From Insults to Respect again real soon
There’s just no accounting for happiness, Or the way it turns up like a prodigal Who comes back to the dust at your feet Having squandered a fortune far away.
And how can you not forgive? You make a feast in honor of what was lost,
And take from its place the finest garment,
Which you saved for an occasion
You could not imagine, and you weep night and day To know that you were not abandoned, That happiness saved its most extreme form For you alone.
No, happiness is the uncle you never knew about,
Who flies a single-engine plane Onto the grassy landing strip,
Hitchhikes into town, and inquires at every door Until he finds you asleep mid-afternoon As you so often are during the unmerciful hours of your despair.
It comes to the monk in his cell. It comes to the woman sweeping the street with a birch broom,
To the child whose mother has passed out from drink. It comes to the lover,
To the dog chewing a sock,
To the pusher, to the basketmaker,and to the clerk stacking cans of carrots in the night. It even comes to the boulder In the perpetual shade of pine barrens, To rain falling on the open sea, To the wineglass, weary of holding wine.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Have you ever noticed that some rich people like to say insulting things about the poor, and some poor people like to say some insulting things about the rich. Well, since this blog is all about insults, as well as respect, let’s see if today we can throw a little sunshine on this.
As soon as Bob finishes this sentence, we hear an audio clip from a movie I can’t quite put my finger on, “If you permit me to say so, sir, the subject is not an interesting one. The poor know all about poverty, and only the morbid rich would find the topic glamorous.”
There’s just two kinds of people, the sinner and the saint;
You see sir, rich people think of poverty as in the negative, as the lack of riches, as a disease might be called a lack of health. But it isn’t sir. Poverty isn’t the lack of anything, but a positive plague, virulent in itself, and contagious as cholera, with filth, criminology, vice and despair as only a few of its symptoms.
On October 24th, 1929 the stock market fell. On Black Friday, many rich men turned into poor men. Suddenly many of them were on the street corners selling apples. Whether it was Black Friday or today, there are too many people out there who need to ask, Brother, can you spare a dime? Here’s Bing Crosby on Theme Time Radio Hour.
We’re talking a lot about poor people; let’s go on the other side of the track. I like talking about the rich men a little better. They’re a little more happy go lucky. You know what’s better than a little money? A lot of money.
Bob only spends a few minutes discussing the rich person’s experience, quickly returning us to songs like Johnny Rivers’s popular “Wrong Side of The Track” and Emmylou Harris’s lovely “Hobo Lullaby.” I would have liked him to try to get more into why so many of the rich look down on the poor, but his sympathy clearly is on those less well off.
At one point, what came out of this experience is this idea that although it is certainly kind to give a hungry person a fish, in the long run it is even more kind to find ways to teach a hungry person to fish. With this in mind, I worked for many years in school systems doing my best to remove blocks that were getting in the way of students learning. And more recently, I have created this blog, “From Insults to Respect,” as a curriculum that is free to both the poor and the rich. It is designed to be a tool that can help people to learn some crucial skills for climbing the true ladder of success.
Here’s another difference between what typically happens during your interpersonal relationships and the intergroup interactions that involve politicians. When someone directly seeks to insult you, unless you are well trained in handling this in a peaceful manner, you are likely to take the insult personally. The emotions that arise in this situation are more likely to be stronger than typically experienced when groups of people see on TV or in a large arena a politician throwing insults at someone they don’t personally know.
ikes you as political correctness. When Carl Tomanelli, a 68-year old retired New York City police officer was asked by a New York Times reporter why he is supporting Mr. Trump, he answered, “People are starting to see, I believe, that all this political correctness is garbage. I think he’s echoing what a lot of people feel and say.”
Third party payer systems have a form that must be filled out whenever someone seeks mental health services under their plan. This form has a little box that currently says, “Diagnosis.” In that box, mental health professionals are required to fill in the DSM code that corresponds to their so-called diagnosis of the person seeking services.
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
