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Conflicts: Lessons from Beetle Bailey

Why would someone fling insults at you?  For the past few weeks we have discussed eight different reasons and how to deal with each one (see INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE).

Sometimes when people attempt to insult you, they are being clumsy at letting you know they have a conflict with you.

Here, it looks like Lt. Fuzz insults Sarge because he has a conflict with Sarge.  That is, Lt. Fuzz has a desire that sergeants under his command are physically fit. Interfering with Lt. Fuzz’s desire is the fact that Sarge appears to be fat.  Lt. Fuzz seems to think that Sarge is guilty of not keeping himself in solid fighting shape.

Notice that the first letters of the three conflict components (DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT) spell the word, “DIG.”  The word “DIG” helps us to remember to DIG for the conflict by looking for the DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT.

If you are to become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, when someone is trying to insult you, you must prepare yourself so that you will be able to DIG to find out what the conflict is all about even under the stress of being bombarded with belittling comments.  To become skillful at this takes some practice.

Last week’s post provided followers of this blog some practice for digging for the conflict by using a major conflict from the Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet (see post titled CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET).  Today we will have some fun using some Beetle Bailey comics to sharpen our skills and to deepen our understanding about what it means to have a conflict.

Practice

As a fun way to develop the skill of coming up with conflict descriptions, please read the Beetle Bailey comic below and then see if you can describe from Sarge’s perspective the conflict he is having with Beetle in two sentences.

In formulating your two sentences, it is important to be aware that Sarge’s look of concern on his face when he hears Beetle’s stiff muscle excuse doesn’t figure to be genuine.  Any regular reader of the Beetle Bailey comics knows that Beetle’s character, although lovable, is one of laziness and perpetual excuse- making.

Sarge, painfully aware of Beetle’s laziness, in all probability is acting concerned just to play along with the excuse, while at the same time, harassing Beetle until he gets to work.

With this in mind, there are several two-sentence conflict descriptions that people might provide here.  Here’s an example that I like: Sarge desires that Beetle gets going but interfering with his desire, hears Beetle making an excuse to stay in bed.  Because Sarge is aware that Beetle has a long history of being lazy, I’m guessing that he believes that if Beetle doesn’t get going he would be guilty of pretending to be injured to avoid his responsibilities.

Why do I like this description?  It’s brief, and it’s consistent with the model of conflict we will be learning about on this blog—The DIG Conflict Model.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

The conflict statement we just used to describe Sarge’s apparent conflict with Beetle is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place.  Once we form the statement, we can see better if a conflict does or does not exist, although we rarely can be absolutely certain.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is.

The first sentence also includes Party A’s desire,

the other party involved and the interfering act. 

Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.  In composing these two sentences, you are to imagine that you are Party A, and you are doing the best that you can to briefly explain your position.  We will be frequently using this two sentence pattern throughout this blog.

Being Specific is Good

If I was able to ask Sarge to briefly describe his conflict with Beetle, suppose he answered, “Beetle is acting like a jerk.”  The fact that Sarge’s answer is brief is good.  But Sarge’s answer just tells us that he doesn’t like some way that Beetle is behaving.  Sarge’s answer would be more precise if his answer stated what specific act he desires and the specific act that is interfering with what he desires—i.e. gets going, versus stays in bed.  His answer would be even more precise if it also provided enough information so that we understood that Sarge would view Beetle as guilty if Beetle carries out the act that would interfere with Sarge’s desire.

Conflicts and Problems

Whenever we discuss conflicts, it is important to make a distinction between conflicts and problems.  To begin, every conflict contains a problem.  The problem for Party A is how to achieve what he or she desires given the likelihood of someone acting in a way that prevents achieving the goal.

Although every conflict contains a problem, every problem is not a conflict.  To illustrate this, let’s go back to the scenario involving Sarge and Beetle.

Earlier I made the case that one reason this is probably a conflict is that Sarge probably believes Beetle is just pretending to be unable to move so he can get out of work.  Knowing Sarge from observing him over the years, I’m guessing he is very likely to think Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility of working hard even if he is a little sore.  But let’s change this scenario a little.  A doctor confirms to Sarge that Beetle has broken both of his legs.  So you can vividly envision this, let’s say Beetle got his legs broken as a bomb went off in Afghanistan while he was trying to save several of his buddies.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Sarge, when he first hears Beetle can’t get going today, assumes that Beetle is just making up some excuse.  Because of this assumption, Sarge believes he is about to engage Beetle in a conflict, but as soon as he sees a medic working on Beetle’s seriously mangled legs, he changes his mind.

Because Sarge no longer thinks Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility to get to work, he does not believe that in this situation he has a conflict with Beetle.  Does this mean that Sarge no longer has a problem?  Even if Sarge completely clears Beetle of any wrong doing, the work that he had desired Beetle to do still may need to get done.  In some situations, this is so easily handled that no problem can be identified.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the above two boxes, Sarge explains to his general that his outfit will be short-handed until a replacement can be assigned.  Such a familiar routine for an experienced sergeant could not be categorized as a problem.  But let us consider another example.  Suppose the work that Beetle is assigned to do on the day his legs are injured involves repairing some jeeps that the general requires for an urgent mission.  Now when Sarge realizes that Beetle is out of commission, he has to figure out how to still get the work done.  This may be a fairly small problem or a very difficult one involving a great deal of stress.

As these variations on the Beetle Bailey scenario illustrate, even if a conflict suddenly disappears, a problem may still be left in its wake.  The problem may be somewhat smaller than the one contained in the original conflict, about the same, or more serious.  A problem becomes a conflict when Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the incompatible act.

A Conflict, to Exist, Must Refer to Something that will Occur in the Future

Imagine Beetle getting a punch in his skinny nose.

For some, the act of getting punched is enough to declare that a conflict exists.  The punch, they say, is the conflict.  But if that’s so, why not just view the punch as a punch and nothing else?  What does the concept of a conflict add to the punch?  Hmmm.

Consider what would happen if you got punched by Sarge, and a fraction of a second later Sarge suddenly grasps his chest, screams in agony, falls to the floor, turns white, and dies of a heart attack?  Would you believe you have a conflict with Sarge?  Most people, under this set of circumstances, would answer, “NO.”  A proper definition of a conflict must account for this.

In the DIG Conflict Model, the cause of the conflict is not that you were hit, but rather that you perceive the existence of all three conflict conditions.

One of these conflict conditions is—Party A perceives that the other party is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.  If you got hit by Sarge and then Sarge suddenly dies, under this set of circumstances why are you unlikely to view yourself as having a conflict with Sarge?  The DIG Conflict Model makes the reason evident.  If Sarge dies, you no longer have any reason to perceive Sarge is likely to hit you again.

Many people intuitively understand this.  That’s why you will often hear people who find themselves in a situation that appears to be developing into a conflict quickly declare that the interfering act was an accident and the behavior won’t happen again.  Such people understand that if they can convince Party A that the interfering act that has already occurred wasn’t intentional and therefore should not be perceived as a signal that it will happen again, no conflict will be perceived.

Summary

When we summarize a conflict, it helps us to think of the word, DIG.  This reminds us to dig for the  desire, the interfering act and the guilt.

All conflicts contain a problem.  But NOT all problems are conflicts.

A conflict, to exist, must refer to something that will happen in the future.

Well, that’s your lesson for today.  Have a splendid week.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET

If you have been following this blog, you will have noticed that for the past few weeks I have relied heavily on humor to teach some of the main principles of conflicts (see for examples, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE and INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.

But a blog such as this, if it is to be a source of wisdom, must keep the reader aware that although there is much humor in conflicts, there is tragedy as well.  Comics typically emphasize the humor.  To avoid completely losing our balance, we must, from time to time, directly take on serious themes.  At such times, in the words from Shakespeare’s Henry the VIII’s prologue—

“I come no more to make you laugh; things now,

That bear a weighty and serious brow,

Sad, high, and working, full of state and woe…”

In the deepest heart of all of us there is a corner in which life just happens to work sadly.  Any discussion of conflict cannot completely ignore this.  Nevertheless, I will attempt to keep our forays into the profounder bass-notes of life fairly brief, and use humor as our main educational tool.

Assisting People to Deal with Conflicts

From time to time you will be asked to assist people with conflicts.  A situation involving friends may erupt.  Problems at school or work will naturally pop up on regular occasions.

You will find that as you begin to engage the parties involved in the conflict, some in the midst of it will angrily start to tell you what has been happening by going on and on until it begins to strain the patience of everyone listening.  Others will speak of the conflict in such vague generalities that listeners are left scratching their heads.

In this blog post you will practice using a model to assist you in coming up with a description of a conflict in a few sentences that not only will prove helpful, but will also enhance your reputation.

Consider the following three pictures created by Lois Hubertz:

    

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  In the tragic comic above there are three pictures.  Need I provide three thousand words to verbally describe them?  What if I wanted to describe briefly the conflict they portray?   To do so, I would be wise to first discuss with each of the parties what they view as causing the strife, and then after hearing them out, combine what I had learned with what I observe in the pictures.

Suppose that in my discussions I find out that the story of the two lovers in the first box and the two lovers in Shakespeare’s magnificent play, Romeo and Juliet are similar.  As in the Shakespeare play, the lovers in the tragic comic are called Romeo and Juliet, and their families are terribly bitter with one another because of angry memories of previous conflicts.

After my information gathering, what if I attempted to briefly describe the conflict from Juliet’s point of view as follows:

Juliet desires to marry Romeo, but interfering with this, her father has made it clear to her that he does not want to give her the legally required permission.  Although she recognizes that her father, if he were to consent, would be in hot water with the rest of their family, Juliet feels that he is guilty of being wrong because for her sake he should have the guts to stand up to them. 

Are these sentences sufficient?

Obviously, compared to a Shakespeare play, my two-sentence summary, just like any two-sentence summary, must ignore the subtleties and related conflicts that are revealed by a fully crafted play.  But there are many times when we can sufficiently grasp a situation without using a style of language that many find hard to grasp or by sitting down for hours to study an insightful narrative.  Using an easy to learn pattern of constructing two sentences from each party’s perspective may very well serve to set the stage for the creation of a plan that will resolve the conflict at hand to the satisfaction of all the involved parties.

A Definition of Conflict

When we attempt to come up with a brief description of a conflict, it helps to have a good definition of the word “conflict” at hand.  On this blog we will be using a definition derived from what I refer to as the DIG Conflict Model.

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

  1. Party A desires an act will occur.
  2. Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire. 
  3. Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third.  If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

In earlier blog posts, I’ve described how to use the word DIG to help craft a brief summary of a conflict and we have practiced this method a few times as well (see, for example, DIG FOR THE CONFLICT).  To get to be an expert at this method, it helps to review some of the ideas from time to time.

The conflict statement I used to describe the conflict Juliet is having with her father is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place–first the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is, Party A’s desire, the other party involved, and the act that is interfering with the desire.  Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.

Why do we Bother to Break up the Concept of a Conflict?

So far, we have seen that the DIG Conflict Model breaks up the concept of a conflict into its three conflict conditions (desire, interference and guilt).  In future blog posts we will find this helpful because some conflicts are confusing to understand all at once.

Very simple conflicts can be looked at as a single unit with little difficulty. However, more complicated conflicts will leave us scratching our heads.  The skill to break up the conflict into its three conditions allows us to familiarize ourselves with smaller, more easily understandable parts.  Then, when we join the parts together, the whole becomes easier to grasp.

Moreover, sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.  That is, one strategy to resolve a conflict we are struggling with is the following:

1. Look at each easier to understand part, either just the desire, or the interfering act or the guilt.

2. Think about making some change that will affect just that part.

3. Then think about how that change will impact the whole conflict.

By doing this, we frequently find a resolution that we would have otherwise missed if we kept wrestling with the entire conflict as one huge unit.  In future blog posts we will see many examples of this.

Using the DIG Conflict Model in Real Conflicts

In a real conflict, after you do your best to summarize the conflict, it is important to check with the different people involved to see if they agree with you.  As you discuss this with them, you will find that this often leads to those who are involved clarifying what the issues are. As you assist them in going through this process, there is an excellent chance that they will find this helpful.  In time, people will come to respect you for this.

I know some of these ideas are new and you may feel confused about some of the issues I have been discussing.  If you keep following this blog, you will get more and more comfortable with these ideas.  In time, you’ll see more clearly how helpful they can be.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and infighting.  You are judged on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

Our two friends are getting pretty silly in this exchange.  I guess being silly is part of the fun.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game, not by how silly the interactions are, but by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  They realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Immature people can come across as mean when they tease.

In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends up smiling even though Violet ends up feeling upset.  I would have liked Lucy to show some concern about how Violet ends up feeling.

It is certainly understandable why Violet ends up feeling upset.  We all have a strong desire to be liked.  The fact that there are other people watching while Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with the teasing even harder.  But what if Violet, instead of going away looking upset, ended up responding to Lucy in the following way?

“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a smile.  “I guess you won this round.  Well done!”  Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her head before going on her way.

If Violet would have acted this way, it would have shown the other kids that she can take a little teasing without getting upset.  This seems to many people a sign of maturity.  We can’t expect everyone to have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Calvin went a little too far in his teasing.

I think a conflict has sprung up.

When I think about a conflict I think about the word DIG.  That reminds me to dig to find in the situation the desire, what is interfering with the desire, and someone who feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong.

DIG=Desire, Interfering, and Guilt

In the above comic, Calvin desires to create a situation that would lead to some fun but perceives his actions have led to a situation that is interfering with fun.  He feels he is guilty of doing something wrong.

Troubled by how Susie has reacted, Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a bit angry.  It seems to me that his genuine concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign of emerging maturity.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

The sadness that Susie feels is coupled with her recognition that, without Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than she does.

How might Calvin handle this situation?

Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy thing to do.  I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones, they still can hurt quite a bit.

When Calvin goes over to Susie to make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

Sometimes when we try to fix a problem it doesn’t work.  That doesn’t mean we have to give up.  We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teasing does so in a manner that looks to someone watching on as not fun.

At other times, people who tease don’t realize that they really have created a very uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes when people call you names or insult you in some other way, you may not be sure why they are doing this.  One thing to try is to say, “I’m not sure why you are trying to put me down.  Is everything okay?  Are you mad at me about something?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down a list of other desires that motivate insults. By becoming familiar with these other desires, confusion can oftentimes be quickly brought under control and a plan generated to address the concerns of all involved parties.

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

If you follow this blog you will become familiar with eight different desires that can motivate name calling and teasing.  This will help you to spot them even when you are beginning to feel defensive.  When you learn to see the real desire motivating the criticism, you will find it much easier to act wisely.

Below is the list of the eight desires.  It might be wise to print out this list and place it in a convenient place.  Then, whenever you are called names or teased, you can get it out.  By going down the list you might more quickly figure out what is going on.

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

The desires that oftentimes motivate name calling, insults and teasing are:

1. The desire to encourage or discourage some action.

2.  The desire to release stress because the criticizer is in a bad mood.

3.  The desire to take out on you what someone else did to the insulter.

4.  The desire to be left alone for some quiet time.

5. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.

6. The desire to test someone to determine worthiness to be admitted into a group.

7. Jealousy.

8. Playful teasing.

Well, there you have it, the eight desires that lead to name calling, insults and teasing.  You can already find some suggestions for dealing with most of the various types of desires from checking out some earlier posts.

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
  2. Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
  4. Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
  5. The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)

In future blog posts we’ll explore all of these issues more thoroughly.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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CONFLICT: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

In an early post on this blog I discussed the fact that often the reason why people might call you a name, insult or tease you is that they have a conflict with you (see the posts titled DIG FOR THE CONFLICT, CONFLICTS AND FRUSTRATION, and SUMMARIZE AND DELAY).

For many of us, as soon as we see that someone has a conflict with us, we get defensive, and perhaps we might shout out something like, “How dare you speak that way to me!” or “You’re a stupid idiot!”

When you become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, rather than becoming defensive, the first thing you do is to let the person who has a conflict with you know you care that he or she is upset.  Then you artfully summarize the conflict that has led to the disrespectful behavior even when you are being insulted.  You can learn to do this, but it takes some practice.  With the help of our comic strip friends, we can learn this skill while having some fun as we go about doing so.

We’ll begin by reviewing what a conflict is, then discuss the plan to summarize a conflict, and then we’ll practice using this plan by looking at comics that depict a  conflict.

What is a Conflict?

In the above Peanuts comic, despite Peppermint Patty’s delightful attempt to convince the teacher to raise her grade, the teacher won’t bend.  Do you think Peppermint Patty has, at any point in this comic, a conflict with her teacher? How do you define a conflict?

Some of my students respond to these two questions by saying something like,

When people are upset about something they have a conflict.  When they aren’t upset anymore, BINGO, the conflict is resolved.  Peppermint Patty seems to be upset about her grade, especially in the next to last scene.  Therefore she has a conflict with her teacher. 

In the very last scene, Peppermint Patty still doesn’t look happy, but perhaps the teacher’s comment praising her oratory skills has lifted her spirits enough so that she is no longer upset.  If so, does this mean her conflict has been resolved?

I get mixed answers to this question.

Some of my students, when thinking about the meaning of conflict, talk about someone getting in the way of someone else’s desire.  If Peppermint Patty feels her teacher is getting in the way of her desire to get a higher grade, she has a conflict with her teacher.  Saying “getting in the way of someone’s desire” is the same as saying “interfering” with someone’s desire.

Still others emphasize guilt—if Peppermint Patty believes her teacher is guilty of doing something wrong, she has a conflict with her.

When I say I have a conflict I mean that I have a desire, I believe that someone is likely to do something that interferes with my desire, and I believe that someone would be guilty of doing something wrong if the person does interfere with my desire.

When I have a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what I DESIRE in this situation,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

what is INTERFERING with my desire,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

and why I believe someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I see conflicts as types of triangles.

PRACTICE

“I’m not kidding around anymore, Mrs. Snyder–you have our book, we have your son!”

Let’s pretend that you are Mrs. Snyder, the mother of this tied up boy, and you get this phone call from this librarian.  Let’s call the librarian, Ms Jones.  You feel that the way Ms Jones is shouting at you is disrespectful.  But instead of shouting back at her, you decide to first let her know in a caring way that you understand that she is upset.  Then you summarize the conflict.  If you will, please utilize the word DIG to remind you of the words, desire, interfering and guilt.   Then come up with a statement that you would say to the librarian that includes a brief description of the conflict to her in two or three sentences.  After you give this a try, compare your statement to mine.

Here’s my statement to the librarian:

I can hear that you are very upset, Ms Jones.  I think I understand your conflict with us.  You desire to get the library’s book back.  Interfering with your desire, my son has not returned the book and you feel that he is guilty of being wrong for not returning it.  Is that correct?

This type of statement takes less then a minute of your time.  It helps both you and the other party in the conflict to clarify what the conflict is all about.  You will find that many times you think you know what the conflict is all about, but it turns out that you missed something very important.  By presenting your summary statement in the form of a question, you give the other party a chance to clarify what all of the issues are.

Now, when the librarian indicates that she has a conflict with you, you may be tempted to bring up a conflict that you have with her.  For example, if you are Mrs. Snyder, you might feel that you have a desire that Ms. Jones speak to you in tones indicating respect.  Interfering with this desire, you feel her shouting is disrespectful.  You feel she is guilty of being disrespectful.  In most situations you would be wise to put this secondary conflict on hold until the first conflict that came up is worked on for a bit, and then some time has passed until the sea of conflict has calmed.  We’ll look at some exceptions to this rule in future posts.

Let’s try another one:

In this comic, if you will, make believe you are Peppermint Patty.  See if you can come up with a statement to Marcie that summarizes Marcie’s conflict with you.  Try to make it consistent with the DIG Conflict Model.  Then compare it to mine.

Here’s the statement I came up with:

Marcie, I can see you are really upset with me.  Let me see if I understand the reason why.  When you lend something to me, you desire that I return it.  I’ve been interfering with your desire when I’ve borrowed quite a few things from you and I haven’t returned them.  You feel that I am guilty of being wrong to keep doing this.  It that right?

To come up with my statement, I first tried to come up with something that showed Marcie that I cared that she was upset.  If this was a real situation, I would make sure that when I said the first sentence in my statement, I looked at least two seconds into Marcie’s eyes in a caring way and I used a tone of voice designed to let her know I am concerned about what is going on.  As I continued to design my statement, I thought to myself that I have to DIG for the conflict.  Then the letters in the word “dig” reminded me to try to find Marcie’s desire, what she thinks I have done to interfere with her desire, and what she thinks I’m guilty of doing wrong.  Notice that I ended my statement with a question that invites Marcie to correct anything I might have said that she thinks is wrong.

Let’s try one more.

Pretend, if you will, that you are Linus.  Keep in mind that when someone is angry with you, as Lucy is, it’s probably not the best time to discuss philosophy.  See if instead of the comments Linus makes in the comic, you can summarize the conflict Lucy has with you by utilizing the DIG Conflict Model.  Then you can compare it to mine.

Here’s my statement to Lucy:

Lucy, I can see you’re upset with me.  Let me make sure I understand why.  You desire that I not tear any covers off of comic magazines.  I interfered with this by tearing the cover off of the magazine in your hand.  You feel I’m guilty of being stupid.  Is that right?

To be effective, I have to make sure that I say the first sentence in this statement while looking squarely into Lucy’s eyes and I use a tone of voice that expresses that I care about the fact that she is upset.  If you are not sure about how to express that tone of voice, consider making an appointment with an acting coach.  Just a single lesson usually is enough to teach you all that is required to master this important skill.

The key words that identify the three conditions of a conflict.

When using DIG to remind you of the three components of a conflict, it’s important to know some related words for “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” because when you are involved in a conflict it helps to vary your statements.

  • When individuals have a “desire” that some act will occur, they sometimes say they “want,” “need,” or “have a goal to achieve” it;
  • An act that “interferes” with another act “prevents,” “obstructs,” “gets in the way,” “is incompatible,” “injures,” or in some other way makes it less likely or less effective.
  • Someone who is “guilty,” is often said to be “responsible,” or is to “blame” for the behavior.  Or we feel that the guilty party “should have not done” the behavior, or that the person did something “wrong.”

Keep this in mind when you summarize a conflict.  By doing so, you will come to realize that you don’t always have to use the words “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” in your summary statement.  You can just use the word DIG to remind you of what to look for, but you can use other words to describe the three components of a conflict.  In this way, your summary statements can be created in a way that sound better to your ear.

Well, there’s your lesson for today.  I understand that there is more to resolving a conflict than the art of showing caring and summarizing the conflict.  We’ll get to all of the crucial skills necessary to resolve conflicts in future blog posts.

In time you will find that the skill of summarizing a conflict is enormously helpful.  If you continue to follow this blog, you’ll meet up with some more practice sessions.  Eventually you will find that you can summarize a conflict as smoothly as you can name the people in your home.  And when you get that smooth at doing so, you’ll find that people in your community will come to have a higher respect for you. 

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence happiness Hope negative criticism threats wisdom

ANGER AS AN EMOTION

Recently I provided a post titled, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.  There we chiefly focused on the variety of anger expressions.

Anger, in addition to being viewed as something that we express, is also viewed as an emotion.  To deeply understand the nature of anger we must understand what emotions are.

The Four Basic Emotions

There are four basic emotions.  Two of them, hope and happiness, are positive emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

The other two, threat and grieving, are negative emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Although threat and grieving are referred to as negative emotions, they are not necessarily bad emotions. They actually can be very helpful in some situations.  And although hope and happiness are referred to as positive emotions, they are not necessarily good emotions.  Although they can be very helpful in some situations, they can make a mess of things as well.

Each of the emotions gives us a shot of energy to deal with some important moments in our lives.  The positive emotions can help us to deal with positive moments and negative emotions can help us to deal with negative moments.  To understand this a little better, let’s take a look at a quick story.

The Story of Alexandra

 Alexandra is seventeen and an excellent swimmer. 

Illustration by Eric Sailer

She is fully confident that she has the skills necessary to use her legs and arms in a coordinated way that will enable her to reach the surface of the water in time to avoid drowning.

Because of her confidence about her swimming skills, Alexandra doesn’t experience any emotion about her swimming.  There is a mild, pleasant feeling that she has when she swims, but this is different than what I will mean when I refer to an emotional experience.   For sure, there are some feelings that we have during an emotional experience, but they are stronger than other feelings. 

Because Alexandra is so confident that her swimming skills can deal with anything she will have to deal with while swimming, Alexandra can carry out her skills without much thought.  This permits Alexandra to free her attention from staying completely focused on her swimming.  Her thoughts begin to drift away from her swimming to events that happened in her past. 

“That boy I met yesterday at the ice cream store was real cute!” she recalls.  She then begins to think about what she has in store for her when she returns to school after the weekend.

Some of these thoughts that are drifting around in her head do lead to some emotional reactions.  “Mrs. Smothers might yell at me in front of the whole class because I didn’t do well on my science test!” her thoughts cry out.  This threatens her desire to be treated with respect.  Her heart begins to pound as she begins to focus more intensely on this, and she is now experiencing the emotion of threat.

Suddenly Alexandra finds her foot has become entangled in sea plants. 

This is a dramatic change in what she had expected to occur while she went about her swim.  Recognizing a threat, Alexandra’s attention shifts rapidly away from the images of what might happen at school to what is going on in her present physical world where she is swimming.  At the same time, she begins to experience an emotion about what is currently happening to her.

Alexandra’s emotion is serving the function of giving her an extra burst of energy, and she uses it to begin to carry out the fight-or-flight response.  This is serving the function of trying to keep her alive.  First, she says to herself, “If I don’t get free, this could turn out bad!”  While saying this she tries to take flight from the grip of the plants and experiences the emotion of fear.  Her effort fails.  She then turns angry as her thoughts cry out, “Let go of me you stupid plants!”  And with that, her legs fight against the grip of the plants by giving a violent yank, thus tearing her free.

She now feels hopeful that she can reach the surface and breathe safely, but her hopeful emotion keeps her extra focused on what is happening in case there are any more problems that may spring up.

When Alexandra reaches the surface, happiness wells up in her as she takes her first breath in beautiful safety. 

 

 

Story Interpretation

In this story we get an introduction to what people do when they are NOT experiencing an emotion about something that is currently happening to them.  Here’s the idea in a nutshell:  Oftentimes we go on automatic pilot.  That is, when we develop enough confidence that the desires we hope to achieve in the near future can be achieved by a set of skills that are already well practiced, we may set them in motion, freeing our attention for other matters.

Alexandra, at the beginning of our story, has a desire to safely get some exercise and to achieve this she goes for a swim.  She has done this often enough in this area that she is confident enough that nothing will go wrong.  Thus, early on during her swim, she does not experience any emotion regarding her swim.

The story makes a distinction between emotion and feeling.  The touch of the water can be pleasant to some, and to others, unpleasant.  Emotions, as I define them, do have feelings that accompany them.  Emotions involve a distinctly stronger charge of energy than feelings in general.  This stronger charge of energy is most easily observed by the quickened pace of our heartbeat.  The extra energy permits us to stay focused on the situation that triggers the emotion and to carry out far more work than the more gentle states that tend to produce a rather quick smile or frown.

With the energy that is freed up when Alexandra utilizes her automatized swimming skills, she begins to think of other desires besides getting her exercise in for the day.  What she thinks about while exploring her memories and anticipations of future events in her imagination may lead to an emotion just as much as what she meets in the present physical world.

Another aspect of automatized skills that this story introduces is the idea that as we use them, we are still appraising the environment in case we notice an important change in what we are expecting.  Appraising means evaluating or assessing.  We are not always aware that this appraisal is going on, but we realize its existence each time we suddenly notice something unexpected and find our attention drawn to it.

In the story, Alexandra suddenly notices her foot is caught in the plants and she is not expecting this to happen.  This is a change in what she is expecting to happen as she goes about her swim.  She evaluates this change as threatening her desire for safety. Alexandra uses her burst of energy to carry out some skills that set her free.

One set of skills that she uses is to cry out in her mind, “Let go of me you stupid plants!” At this point, Alexandra is experiencing anger.  Because Alexandra is under water, she cannot scream these words out loud, but under normal conditions, she probably would.

If it was an animal or a person who had hold of her leg, Alexandra’s screams might have scared away the attacker.  Or her screams might have been heard by friends who could have come to her rescue.  And so, under some sets of circumstances, the angry screams could have helped to save her life, but not under water.  Instead, Alexandra’s skill to violently yank her foot away from the grip of the plant saves her.

In this blog, whenever people are experiencing the basic emotion of threat and then they either give off a signal that a fight might occur at any second, or they actually begin to fight, they experience anger.  In last week’s blog post when we saw our comic strip friends displaying such actions as glaring, waving their fingers, shouting, insulting, or baring their teeth, they were giving off signals that a fight might soon occur.

A threat to any desire can lead to the basic emotion of threat.  Examples are a desire to be liked, to be treated with respect and to be free to make our own choices.

In the story of Alexandra, when she becomes angry her actions end up saving her life.  As helpful as anger can be in certain types of situations, it can often make a situation worse.  Moreover, even when helpful, anger still may not be the best response choice.  To become wise, you must learn to recognize when to use anger, when to replace it with something better, and how to prepare yourself so that you can skillfully carry out more optimal plans even under highly threatening conditions.  By following this blog, you will learn these very skills.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

If you have been following this blog you know that I have discussed anger on several occasions (See, for example, BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2).  During these discussions, I mentioned that how you handle anger has a big influence on how much people like and respect you.  Today we delve into the nature of anger a little more with the help of some of our favorite comic strip buddies.

Getting Familiar with Anger

 

Most of us have a pretty good idea about what it means to be angry.  In the above comic, when Charlie Brown is shouting at Lucy and wildly waving his hands above his head, we’re pretty sure he is in the midst of an angry fit.

Although you already know, in some general way, what it means to be angry, if I was to ask you to quickly create a list of the various expressions and experiences that go along with anger, you might have to pause for a few seconds and your list might end up leaving out several important ones.  Moreover, some readers might have a somewhat different idea of what anger means than I do.  This might lead them to become confused about some of my statements.  And so, because we will be discussing situations that involve anger, it will be a valuable use of our time to take a quick look at anger as revealed in comics and for me to make some comments along the way.

Shouting and Glares

Consider this Luann comic.

Here, we see blond-haired Tiffany planning to put on a beauty pageant contest that she desires to win.  Suddenly, Tiffany experiences a conflict with Crystal.  What I mean by this is, Tiffany seems to desire to enjoy her thoughts about the glory of winning her pageant.  Interfering with this, Crystal throws out statements suggesting Tiffany might not win.  Judging from Tiffany’s angry reaction, I’m guessing she thinks Crystal is guilty of doing something wrong.  I’m hoping that you notice that the first letter of “desire,”  “interfering”,  and “guilt” spell out the word DIG.  It can remind you how to summarize a conflict. (To learn more about what it means to have a conflict, see my post, DIG for the Conflict).

In a sense, Tiffany set sail on the great Sea of Conflict just about when Crystal asks, “And if they don’t pick you?”

When Tiffany begins to glare at Crystal and shout, she has probably sailed into a region of conflict known as anger.  Assuming that someone isn’t pretending to be angry, the actions of glaring and shouting are pretty clear signs that indicate someone is angry.

Quiet Anger

Even when someone is not shouting, anger may be present.

In the above exchange between Luann and Tiffany, when they are whispering it is obvious that they are angry with each other.  The glaring and insult darts that they are throwing at each other provide us adequate signs that they are angry at each other.

Other Expressions of Anger

During conflicts, besides glaring, insults, and shouting there are a few other signs that indicate we are in the region of anger.  Consider the following Blondie comic.

Here, we see not only shouting, insults and glaring as signs of anger, but also pointing while waving a finger, insults and name calling.  I notice in the last panel that Blondie is giving Dagwood a little love.  I wonder if that will ease his anger.

See if you can see some additional anger signs in the following Retail comic.

Val, the woman with black hair, begins her expression of anger by placing her hands on her hips and widening her eyes.  She then crosses her arms in front of her, lowers her eyebrows, and threatens Courtney.

Below, we see Marcie express her anger a little differently.

In addition to shouting, Marcie throws up her hands and then begins to throw objects at Peppermint Patty.

Can you describe the turtle’s expression of anger in this next one?

As I see it, in this Sherman’s Lagoon comic when the turtle yells “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” he expresses his anger by insulting Sherman.  He also expresses his anger by banging his fist on the table.

In the comic below, how does the woman in orange express her anger?

The woman is shouting while leaning forward in a threatening manner and baring her teeth.

Next, we have a Piranha Club comic.

Notice that the woman goes beyond threats to express her anger, using direct physical violence.

In our next example, again someone goes beyond a threat to express anger.

Lucy expresses her anger by waving her fist, and then she ends up throwing a snowball at poor ol’ Charlie Brown.

Next, Helga doesn’t display any of the signs we already mentioned, and yet we and her husband still recognize that she is angry.

As this comic illustrates, withdrawing love may be a sign of anger.

Overt and Covert Anger

Overt anger refers to anger that is expressed in ways that we can clearly see, hear, or—as in the example of the woman slugging a guy—feel.

Other overt cues that may be interpreted as anger are frowning, blushing in the face or neck, not smiling, agitated rigid movements, apparent tension in the body, heavy walking, grinding one’s teeth, and a protruding neck vein.

In addition to overt anger, sometimes people attempt to hide their anger.

When people are angry inside but don’t show us outwardly that they are angry, we may say that they are experiencing covert anger.

When we attempt to determine if someone is angry, we may only be partially successful.  Because of the subtlety and variety of the clues that may suggest someone is covertly angry, we will at times guess wrongly.

In an effort to avoid offending some of their readers, there are several overt expressions of anger that we don’t observe in newspaper comics.  Crying out, “Jesus Christ!” and “God almighty!” are examples of religious-themed anger responses.  Shouting out curses are very popular in some circles.  Sometimes people, knowing these expressions of anger will get them in trouble, find themselves saying these words silently to themselves.

Often people show some aspects of their anger overtly while experiencing a commotion of other aspects of their anger inside of themselves that they do not wish to share with others.  They may find themselves silently cursing while imagining attacking the perceived cause of their anger.  They may feel hot, nervous, a tightness in their forehead, or a pounding in their blood vessels and heart.  Covert anger refers to all of the thoughts and body reactions of anger that others can’t observe.  Both overt and covert anger go along with the entire experience of anger.

Not All Expressions of Anger are Real Anger

On occasion, people will act angry when they are not.  This may be done, for example, because they think such actions will scare someone into fulfilling their desires.  At other times, they may desire to appear manly and believe displaying anger is manly.  And sometimes their friends are acting angry about something and in an effort to support their friends they may pretend that they are also angry.

Not All Conflicts Contain Anger

When we are in a conflict with someone, we are not always angry at the person whom we believe is guilty of doing something wrong.

In this Garfield comic, Jon may very well have a conflict with Liz that can be described as follows—Jon desires that Liz develop a better sense of humor and that she not twitch her nose when she is angry, but interfering with this, her actions have been suggesting to him that she will not be changing these attributes in the foreseeable future.  If asked, Jon might admit that Liz is guilty of being less than a perfect companion.  Nevertheless, Jon appears so in love with Liz that if we were to ask him if he is angry with her it’s not hard to imagine him saying, “Are you kidding!?  I’m not angry at her, I’m crazy about her!”

When we are engaged in a conflict, instead of feeling angry, we may feel fear, hope, loving kindness, sadness, humorous, and a sense of challenge.

Sometimes a Conflict begins in Anger and then it Fades Away Into the Distance

Oftentimes, when a conflict first begins, a person initially becomes angry.  As time goes by, people often find that they can sail away from anger to other less hostile regions on the great Sea of Conflict.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Summary

This blog post was designed to introduce you to some basic ideas about anger.  We focused on the various expressions and experiences of anger.  In future blog posts, we will go over such topics as how anger is related to other emotions, what we mean by emotions, what are the functions of the various emotions, and how we can learn to use our emotions wisely.  Although these topics can be very serious, with the help of our comic strip buddies, we can have some fun along the way.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

If you have been following this blog, you know that lately we have been working on becoming masters at dealing with criticism.  One important lesson that we have focused in on is that in designing our response to a particular criticism it is crucial that we figure out why the person is criticizing us.

Let’s say, for example, that John, upon entering my home and noticing the TV show I’m watching, criticizes me, saying, “Jeff, you’re an idiot for watching this stupid comedy.”  As he says this, I look at him and see from his eyes and the way he says it, that his comment is designed with the genuine hope I might make some improvement in my TV viewing habits.  In that case, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to say warmly, “I appreciate your concern, John.  I think it does make some sense that I start thinking about how much time I spend watching lightweight shows.”   Such a response would show John that I respect what he has to say enough that I’m willing to give it some real thought.

Now, what if John had used the exact same words to criticize me about the comedy show that I’m watching, but I notice that he has a twinkle in his eye and that he watches the same show.  I put this together with the fact that I know John likes to playfully criticize people.  Under this set of circumstances, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to look directly into John’s eye, give him a light chuckle and then a nod of my head.  This would show him that I can take a little kidding around without getting defensive, and that I appreciate his attempt at a little humor.

Just as it makes sense for us to figure out why someone is criticizing us in order to design the best way to respond to the criticism, it makes an equal amount of sense for the president and vice president, as they prepared for their debates, to try to figure out why their opponent in the debate might seek to criticize them.

President Obama versus Governor Romney

Perhaps the president, while preparing for the debate, thought, “My opponent will be criticizing me to convince other voters to vote for him.”  But actually that thought would have been too imprecise.  More likely, the president thought that his opponent was interested in convincing only a small group of voters to vote for him–those who were still undecided and lived in the “battleground states” such as Ohio and Florida.

An analysis of this group of voters indicated that they hate it when the candidates are nasty and uncivil against their opponents.  As Ben Feller of the Associated Press wrote last night, “The danger for the aggressor is that both campaigns know the remaining undecided voters at home want answers for them, not partisan bickering.”  And so, President Obama, understanding this, was friendly with his opponent, Governor Romney,  and avoided personal attacks.

After the debate, many declared that the president lost the debate.  And it is true that nationally, Governor Romney did get a clear bump from his debate performance.  But according to Gail Collins of today’s New York Times, in the election-deciding battleground states that matter, most polls suggest the first presidential debate has not had a significant impact.  The president had a lead before the debate, he wanted to avoid significantly damaging that lead, and he largely succeeded.

Vice President Biden versus
Congressman Ryan

Now, in contrast to how President Obama acted toward his opponent in his debate, Vice President Joe Biden in his debate with Congressman Paul Ryan abandoned his boss’s caution.  He called some of his opponent’s ideas “a bunch of malarkey,” repeatedly interrupted Ryan, and made smirks when he was speaking.

Furthermore, Biden derisively laughed at some of Ryan’s comments and waved his hands in disgust.

This raises the question, “Didn’t Biden want to influence the same group of voters that President Obama wanted to influence?”

Actually, it turns out that this was not an issue for Biden or his opponent.  Authoritative analyses have indicated that vice presidential debates simply never influence the outcome of presidential elections.  Given that, Biden properly should have asked himself, “Whenever Ryan criticizes me during the debate, what does he hope to achieve?”  The most probable answer is that Ryan saw this as an opportunity to gain some respect as a leader in case he wants to run for president in the future.  With that in mind, according to Gail Collins, Biden “spent the entire run-up week listening to Democrats beg him not to be passive. It’s a wonder he didn’t run onto the stage and instantly bite Ryan on the ankle.”

It’s interesting that after the vice presidential debate polls indicate that about an equal number of people felt Biden won and Ryan won.  My research indicates that when a typical person, let’s call her Mary Doe, criticizes another person, Mary would lose respect for the person she is criticizing if the person responded like Joe Biden did.  And yet about half of those viewing the debate seemed OK about how Biden had acted.   How can that be?

Keep in mind that viewers of the debate saw Biden not criticizing them, but rather, someone else.  My guess is that some people who viewed the debate said to themselves, “If Biden responds to criticism from Ryan like the way he did, that’s how he would treat me if I ever criticized him.”  These people probably ended up losing respect for Biden.  Other people who viewed the debate focused in on the fact that they didn’t like Ryan’s answers and loved the fact that Biden had made it absolutely clear that he didn’t like Ryan’s answers as well.  This group of people probably ended up respecting Biden even more.  For this group of people, perhaps it never occurred to them that if Biden treated Ryan this way he could have just as easily treated them that way as well.

So there you have it, some lessons from the presidential debates.  I hope the biggest lesson that you take from this is that to become a master at responding to criticism you would be wise to seek to figure out why someone is providing you the criticism.  That can be a crucial guide to help you to design your response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Jerry Seinfeld Kramer psychological maturity wisdom

JERRY SEINFELD, KRAMER, INSULTS AND THE N-WORD

Over the past couple of months on this blog in weekly posts I have been discussing criticism.  This past week on the internet I came upon an episode of Jerry Seinfeld’s internet show “Comedians in Car Getting Coffee.”  There, Jerry and his fellow comedian, Michael Richards, discuss a very unfortunate incident that dramatically illustrates some of the ideas I’ve been trying to convey to my readers.

As most of you know, one of the most popular TV comedy series in history is “Seinfeld.”

And one of the funniest characters on the show is Kramer, played by Michael Richards.

After the cast stopped making new episodes, Michael began to perform as a standup comedian.  One night, about seven years ago, a black man interrupted Michael’s  act and criticized him, saying, “You’re not funny.”  Michael, according to his own words that he expressed during a nationally televised apology, went into a rage and used the N-Word to insult the black man.

Now, in posts on this blog I have made the argument that when responding to criticism there are five levels of maturity (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).  I am now going to describe the five levels, and as you look them over, see if you can identify which level best describes how Michael handled the criticism he received during his act.

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

5. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

YOUR ANSWER, PLEASE

After looking over the description of the five levels, which best matches the response that Michael used to respond to the criticism he received at the comedy club?  After you decide, you get to compare your answer to mine.

MY ANSWER

Level 2 strikes me as describing best Michael’s response.  Referring to a black person with the N-Word strikes me as seeking to insult the person.  His response is viewed as one of the lowest levels of maturity for a variety of reasons already discussed on this blog.  In this particular case, we readily see what kind of harm can occur when we respond in this way.  Michael, on Seinfeld’s internet show, describes how he has been unable to work for seven years after the event took place.  “I busted up after that event.  It broke me down.  It was a selfish response.  I took it too personally, and I should have said, ‘You’re absolutely right.  I’m not funny.  I think I’ll go home tonight and work on my material.'”

If Micheal had responded as he said he should have, what level would that have been?  I think level 4 is a pretty good match.  If Michael did respond at level 4, the past seven years would have been dramatically better for him.

Now, I’m not attempting to suggest that every time someone responds to criticism as Michael did such awful things occur.  In most cases that you might respond in an immature way, people just become  angry and lose a little respect for you.  But sometimes even worse things happen to someone who responds to criticism with insults, as the Michael Richards’ case illustrates.  And sometimes even worse things happen then what happened in the Michael Richards’ case.  There are cases when the insults led to an escalation of a conflict until people turned violent and were murdered.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism encouraging caring guilt guilting negative criticism psychological maturity wisdom

GUILTING VERSUS ENCOURAGING CARING: AN ADVANCE LESSON

Last week’s post is titled, AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING.”  There we compared “GUILTING” to “ENCOURAGING CARING.”  Both are different styles of making a request and reacting if someone refuses to help.

GUILTING 

People using guilting express sadness at the current state of affairs and then ask for assistance.  Upon having a request turned down, the person who employs guilting responds in anger while seeking to lower the refuser’s self-esteem and making the refuser feel deserving of punishment.  People using guilting typically shout out phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?” Here’s an example of guilting:

ENCOURAGING CARING

People using encouraging caring make their requests very much like those who use guilting.  As they ask others to help, they express sadness at the current state of affairs.  However, unlike those who use guilting, those who use encouraging caring seek a mutually satisfying solution.  If their request is turned down, they don’t view the refuser as evil and deserving of punishment.  To seek to humiliate those who turn down their requests is avoided, while showing empathy and support are essential. Here’s an example of someone using encouraging caring:

Defending Encouraging Caring

To those of you who simply intuit that encouraging caring is a more powerful plan when making requests than guilting, you require no additional arguments to put it to good use.  To the skeptics out there, and to those who enjoy employing principles of science to assist in verifying your belief, the following study provides some relevant information.

Data from a University Study

In the autumn of 1981, I hired four student actors at the University of Minnesota, two guys and two gals.  We met at a well-equipped film studio on campus.

First, I had one of the actors, Pete, enact a guilting scenario.  Two scenes were used.  The first shows the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses guilting whenever someone turns down his request.  In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down Pete replies angrily:

The second scene, which depicts Pete making a new request, is very similar to the “calculus test help” situation we looked at earlier. The subjects in the study who observed this first videotape saw a scene showing how Pete typically responds to someone who turns down his requests.  They then observed the second scene in which Pete makes a new request.  The subjects in the study were to imagine that Pete is a guy whom they knew typically uses guilting and is now making this new request directly to them.  The subjects’ job was to enact the role of a friend of Pete and to imagine how they would respond to this new request. After completing this two-scene guilting videotape, we got to work on a second two-scene videotape.  This one has Pete enacting an encouraging caring scenario.  It begins by showing the viewer that the character Pete is portraying typically uses encouraging caring whenever someone turns down his request.  In that scene, upon hearing his request being turned down, Pete replies sadly:

Once this scene was created, I used the exact “new request” scene as I used on the first videotape that depicts Pete requesting help for the calculus test situation.  Thus, this second videotape has a different first scene than the first videotape, but the exact same second scene that shows Pete requesting help of the viewer who was to enact the role of Pete’s friend. The third videotape that we created is designed to depict another guilting scenario, one that uses the request for a timelier car ride situation that we discussed earlier. The fourth videotape we worked on is designed to depict an encouraging caring scenario using the same request for a timelier car ride situation. Once this set of four videotapes was made, I then had the three other actors make the same set of four videotapes as Pete did, so in the end I had four actors portraying the four different scenarios. Once I had the videotapes made, I arranged for University of Minnesota students, 139 men and 109 women, to come to a viewing theater.  Each student saw just one of the sixteen videotapes, randomly chosen. Because the actor making the request in the video had pretended as if the camera is the person for whom the request is made, he or she appears to be addressing the student viewing the videotape.  As I already mentioned, the job of each student observing the videotape was to enact the role of the friend to whom the request is being made. Immediately after observing the request, students individually answered five questions.  The results of the study indicated that those students who saw the encouraging caring videotapes answered all five questions more favorably than students who saw the guilting videotapes and these differences were statistically significant. Thus, students indicated that they would be more likely to comply and less likely to become covertly and overtly angry with those who tend to use encouraging caring than those who tend to use guilting.  Moreover, guilters were less liked and were viewed as less respected for how they handle conflict than those who used encouraging caring.

Encouraging Caring: A Secret Source of Power

I’ve just provided some information about why I think encouraging caring can often be more effective than guilting.  We now take up the question of why I think encouraging caring is a secret. When teaching conflict resolution, I frequently employ the following technique:  The class is given a typical conflict and asked to generate plans that might help to resolve the conflict.  I have found that although guilting is regularly suggested, encouraging caring almost never is.  When I have suggested it as a possibility, students have often looked puzzled, and sometimes asked, “Isn’t that the same thing as guilting?” During counseling sessions, I’ve also found that the availability of encouraging caring to deal with conflicts seems to be a secret to many people.  Here’s an example:

Patricia (not her real name), a 21-year old university student, came to the counseling center expressing a concern about her relationship with her mother with whom she lived.  Patricia desired to make her own decisions, but whenever she tried to do this, her mother fervently interfered.

“Patricia,” I said, “what do you think would be the best way to respond to your mother the next time she begins to insist on pushing you in a particular direction?”

“My friends tell me to learn to be assertive.  I read a book on it, and I’ve tried some of the ideas.  In some situations it’s helped but not with me and my mom.  Lately, my friends are coaching me to practice saying in a strong voice, ‘Mom, I’m going to make up my own mind!  I don’t want any advice from you unless I ask for it!’”

“Does your friends’ advice make sense to you?”

“In a way, it does.  The thing is, there’s no way I could ever say that to my mom.”

“Hmm.  Well, what do you think is the best way to go from here?”

“I’m feeling stuck.  I’m hoping you can help me to come up with some idea.”

“Well, I suggest we try practicing a style I call ‘encouraging caring.’  You don’t have to make any commitment to me that you’ll try this with your mother, but if you try it out with me in a role play a few times, maybe it will feel more comfortable to you than your friends’ suggestion.  Would that be okay?”

“I’m willing to give it a try.”

“Good.  I’m going to play the part of your mother.  I’ll start to give you some advice, and I’d like you to consider saying, in a sad voice, ‘Mom, I’ve been feeling sad lately.  I love you very much, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and yet I feel that it’s best for me to make my own decisions.  Every time I try, you start to feel frustrated.’ “When you say that, Patricia, I’m going to act like I’m becoming defensive.  If this makes sense to you, I’d like you to practice replying sadly, ‘I’m not putting you down, Mom.  It’s just that I’ve been feeling so sad about this.  I really do love you.’”

“That sounds a little like guilting.  I don’t want to learn to be a guilter like my mom.”

I then explained to Patricia the difference between guilting and encouraging caring.  It was like a light went on in her head as she smiled broadly.  I gently posed a few questions for her to make sure she understood the difference, and within a few minutes she convinced me that her understanding was sound.

After a few practice role plays, Patricia expressed a high degree of confidence that she could try this with her mother. The next time I saw her, Patricia reported with a smile on her face that she was able to try encouraging caring with her mom the night of our last session.  It turned out that she and her mother ended up having a good cry together, and since then, her mother had begun to encourage her to be more independent.

We practiced a few more role plays that session, trying to anticipate what might be a response that remained consistent with the encouraging caring style in the event that her mother began to again become too pushy.  We also worked on a little note that Patricia wrote to her mother thanking her for being so understanding.  During our discussion, Patricia decided to get her mother a little gift to go with the note without my suggesting such a gesture.

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ASSIGNMENT: If you will, see if you can remember a time when you requested some assistance and was turned down. Think about how you responded? See if you can imagine replying in a way that matches the encouraging caring approach.
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 Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
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AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

To become a master at responding to criticism, we have to first learn to recognize the reason for the criticism. So far we have discussed five of them:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see HERE and HERE)
  2. Playful teasing (see HERE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see HERE)
  4. Jealousy (see HERE)
  5. The criticizer is in a bad mood (see HERE)

Today we will turn our attention to a sixth reason–“guilting.”

GUILTING

In the above comic, Blondie criticizes Dagwood for not agreeing to go to the party.  She does so by crying out, “How can you do this to me?!” and by bursting into tears.  Her technique to convince Dagwood to do what she wants despite his determination manages to work.

Blondie’s actions are an example of what we will be calling “guilting.”  It occurs when somebody who has had a request turned down seeks to change the person’s mind by tossing out certain types of insults.

You may have heard what I refer to as “guilting” as “laying a guilt trip on someone” or “imposing guilt on someone.”

As in the Blondie comic, sometimes guilting can indeed change somebody’s mind.  On the other hand, sometimes imposing guilt on someone can hurt a relationship.

The two above comics pose an  interesting dilemma.  On the one hand, under some sets of circumstances we can often increase the probability that our desire will be fulfilled by employing a plan that makes someone feel guilty.  On the other hand, using such a plan may hurt our reputation and end up costing us valued friends.

An Alternative to Guilting

Early in my career I began to wonder if I could tweak the “guilting” plan so that it would reduce the probability of negative consequences.  I had recently read a book by Joan Bondurant, Conquest of Violence: The Gandhian Philosophy of Conflict.  There Ms. Bondurant tells us that many believe Mohandas Gandhi’s style of appealing for help is particularly effective.

Gandhi

Gandhi recognized that we all have desires, some selfish and some supportive of those we care about.  He also saw that there are people whose actions either interfere with our desires or help to fulfill them.  As we ask others to help, he believed it is acceptable to express sadness at the current state of affairs and to seek a mutually satisfying solution.  If our request is turned down, it is not acceptable to view the refuser as evil.  To seek to humiliate those who turn down our requests is forbidden, while showing empathy and support are essential.

To get a sense of Gandhi’s approach in action, consider an example taken from his autobiography.  One day, in an effort to bring to light some injustice that had been occurring in South Africa, Gandhi sought help from the newspaper editor of The Bangabasi. 

The editor kept me waiting for an hour.  He had evidently many interviewers, but he would not so much as look at me, even when he had disposed of the rest.  On my venturing to broach my subject after a long wait, he said: ‘Don’t you see my hands are full?  There is no end to the number of visitors like you. You better go.  I am not disposed to listen to you.’  For a moment I felt offended, but I quickly understood the editor’s position.  I had heard of the fame of The Bangabasi.  I could see that there was a regular stream of visitors there.  And they were all people acquainted with him.  His paper had no lack of topics to discuss…. However serious a grievance may be in the eyes of the man who suffers from it, he will be but one of the numerous people invading the editor’s office, each with a grievance of his own.  How is the editor to meet them all?… But I was not discouraged.  I kept on seeing editors of other newspapers.

Upon being turned down, Gandhi remained supportive and empathetic toward the editor.  “Experience has taught me,” Gandhi explains later in his autobiography, “that civility is the most difficult part of Satyagraha [his philosophy].  Civility does not here mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inborn gentleness and desire to do the opponent good.  These should show themselves in every act of a Satyagrahi.”

Contrast the above style, which I will hereafter refer to as encouraging caring, with guilt.  The Dictionary of Behavioral Science (Wolman, 1973) defines guilt as, “The realization that one has transgressed a moral, social or ethical principle, associated with a lowering of self esteem and a need to make retribution for the transgression” (italics mine).

In the guilt definition, the two sets of words that I put in italics represent the crucial differences between encouraging caring and a strategy that I will refer to as guilting.  If Blondie uses guilting on Dagwood because he is resisting complying, she will respond angrily while attempting to lower his self-esteem and make him feel like he is deserving of punishment for his actions.  Consistent with guilting is the use of phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?”

In contrast, if Blondie was to use encouraging caring, she would express sadness while seeking to enhance Dagwood’s self-esteem as he comes to feel a sense of compassion within himself, a compassion that leads to a sense of satisfaction as they strive together toward a mutually satisfying solution.  As I envision this, it looks something like this…

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Because Blondie is in an ongoing relationship with Dagwood, when she decides to use guilting on him, she doesn’t always have to say the words that indicate she is employing guilting.  After she has used it a few times with him, just the tone of her voice or even a certain look may be enough to fully indicate to Dagwood that she has decided to use guilting in the current situation.

Similarly, if Blondie happened to be the type of person who uses encouraging caring on an ongoing basis, she would not have to convey to Dagwood, in a long-winded speech, everything that makes up this supportive style each and every time she decides to use it.  An expression of sadness with a few supportive words would be sufficient.  The best time to convey the attitudes that make up the encouraging caring approach is during pleasant discussions, rather than when embroiled in a personal conflict.

To be effective and convincing, Blondie must not suddenly switch to guilting whenever she sees her encouraging caring request style is not going to work.  That is, suppose after Blondie tries to use encouraging caring for a few minutes she finds that Dagwood insists on not going to the costume party.  If Blondie suddenly cries out, “You’re a selfish jerk!” Dagwood would know from then on that when she appears to be using encouraging caring, she is just putting on an act, and her real attitude is that she views him as guilty whenever he does not comply with her request.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  Suppose Blondie consistently uses encouraging caring.  One day she asks Dagwood to go to a costume party and he turns her down.  She is very supportive, though disappointed.  Dagwood may find himself feeling guilty for refusing to go to the party.  Just because Dagwood feels guilty doesn’t mean Blondie has used guilting on him.  It is quite common for someone to have feelings of guilt upon turning down a request even when the requester consistently uses encouraging caring.  However, in such cases the refusers do not believe the requesters are seeking to make them feel guilty.  Guilters are viewed as deliberately trying to make refusers feel guilty.

Some Practice

Here’s a comic that displays a college student making a request of a friend.  See if you can identify whether the woman’s style of making a request is more consistent with guilting or encouraging caring.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In this comic, Diane expresses sadness about coming to class late and requests that Tom pick her up on time.  When he refuses to make a commitment to do as she asks, she remains supportive.  Diane’s actions are consistent with the encouraging caring plan.

It’s crucial to point out here that even with all that Diane does in this comic, a slight change in the end could turn it into guilting.  For example, suppose that after becoming convinced that Tom will not do as she asks, she gets up to leave and yells at him, red faced, “You’re a selfish creep!”  Guilty of guilting would be my conclusion.

Encouraging Caring and Resignation

Some people make the mistake of thinking that to use encouraging caring effectively people must learn to resign themselves to doing nothing else but graciously accepting it when a person turns down their requests.   In many situations that is the wisest choice.  But there are many alternatives that can be considered that are consistent with the supportive encouraging caring plan.  For example, when Diane sees that Tom has turned down her request, she can offer something in return for compliance.    That is, after Tom turns her request down, she can say something like, “Yeah, punching a clock can be a drag, Tom.  What if I were to give you the money I spend on the morning bus ride in exchange for the ride to school?  That’s two dollars a day—ten dollars a week that can help you with the gas money.  I’d get a good looking guy to pick me up right at my door, and you’d get my great company, ten dollars a week, and the satisfaction of helping me out.  What do you say?”

Notice that Diane’s use of this new plan proposes a mutually satisfying solution.  Thus it is consistent with encouraging caring.

Negotiation is a process of communicating back and forth for the purpose of reaching an agreement (see Harvard Negotiation Project to learn more about this topic).  There are several forms of negotiation methods that are consistent with encouraging caring.  Mutual gains bargaining, principled negotiations, and negotiations on the merits are some names of methods that encourage the negotiators to avoid such behavior as blaming the other party for the problem, engaging in name-calling, or raising your voice.  As the authors (R. Fisher and W. Uri) of the classic text on this type of negotiation writes:

Blaming is an easy mode to fall into, particularly when you feel the other side is indeed responsible.  But even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive.  Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. They will cease to listen, or they will strike back with an attack of their own.  (Getting to Yes, page 25)

Learning to negotiate is an important part of conflict resolution, and we will return to this topic in future blog posts.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.