Tag: free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 1, 2013
7 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I presented a post that aims to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see Criticizing Yourself: Five Levels of Maturity). In that post there is a fun practice section to help people to get familiar with the different levels. Becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day. It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions. So today, I’ll once again describe the five levels of maturity, and then let’s practice some more with the help of some of our favorite friends.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about our actions, beliefs, or appearance. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature:

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

5. When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in. As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

A PEANUTS EXAMPLE

Below, in the Peanuts comic, Lucy provides negative criticism to herself while Charlie Brown listens. Take a shot, if you will, at rating how mature you think her criticism is on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most mature. Think about why you gave her your rating, and then compare your answer to mine.

My answer: I think Lucy’s actions best match the level 3 description— You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can, if you so choose, improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The main reason I have for this is that she is shouting at herself. Lucy’s actions indicate to me that she knows what her negative criticism is about; instead of becoming discouraged, she wants her life to move from one “up” to an “upper-up,” without any “downs.” I believe her actions should be reduced by .5 because she doesn’t make it clear to herself what she should do about her expressed concern. I would have felt she at least tried to come up with a plan of action if she had said something to herself like the following: “For the next few weeks, each time I feel discouraged, I’m going to write in a journal how I feel, what led up to how I feel, and then see if I can come up with something that leads to my feeling better.” In the end, I gave Lucy a 2.5 rating.

ANOTHER PEANUTS EXAMPLE

In this next one, Lucy again provides negative criticism to herself, and again we get the sense that she knows what the criticism is about, but she doesn’t come up with some plan to address her concern. What rating do you think she deserves? Also, see if you can come up with a statement that Lucy can make to herself that would indicate she has come up with a plan to address her concern.

My answer: This time Lucy doesn’t shout at herself. She does shout at Linus about the negative criticism he provides, but our job here is not to rate that, but rather her negative criticism of her own actions. That occurs in the last box where she says to herself, “How humiliating!”

I don’t view her comment as an insult, although in real life she would have to decide that for herself. It seems to me that people, when they are dissatisfied with “a failure to accomplish a task,” can feel a sense of humiliation, not as an insult, but as a humbling experience that has the potential to motivate them to seek to make some improvement. As far as I am concerned, a person can feel humiliated and still respond at level 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. If Lucy had insulted herself or shouted at herself, I would have felt that level three was the best match for what she does. I’m giving Lucy, instead, a question mark because sometimes criticism is provided that is clear about what is not liked but useful information about improving is not provided. If this is done in a supportive manner that does not use any insults, shouts, or threats, a question mark can be used instead of a rating. This indicates that sometimes mature people will provide this type of feedback to gently encourage themselves to come up with a solution to the problem of how to improve. The criticizer is in essence merely asking the question, “Can I come up with a way to make some improvement in this area?” Because asking such a question using a supportive tone of voice is not necessarily a sign of immaturity, no rating is immediately assigned, but as time goes on, some rating may become earned.

A FUNKY WINKERBEAN EXAMPLE

Let’s try rating Les in this Funky Winkerbean comic. Below, we see that Les, the guy with the glasses, has been invited to his thirtieth high school reunion. When he looks in the mirror he begins to evaluate how he now looks and recalls how he looked thirty years ago. As he does so, apparently he is providing some negative criticism to himself. Please rate how mature you think his response is.

My answer: The thought of going to his thirtieth high school reunion has put Les in a deep funk. He is saddened to see how he has aged. He doesn’t seem to be insulting himself in any way or threatening to harm himself. He’s also not hitting himself. Hmmm.

Some who view themselves as “healthy-minded” say that by letting himself feel sad about something he can’t do anything about, Les is actually acting in an unhealthy manner. These so called “healthy-minded” folks argue that Les would be far wiser to avert his attention from what is bothering him and live in the light of what is good in his life.

Admittedly, this method does seem to work for many people, and if it works for you, feel free to continue with it for as long as you like. I promise that I won’t send the mental health police after you.

There are those of us, however, who have tried this “healthy-minded” approach and find that, when melancholy comes, the whole system quickly breaks down. If that is your experience, perhaps the words of the brilliant psychologist, William James, might be more to your liking. “[T]here is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Clearly, people confront events that create feelings of sadness, horror, and dread. To James, the feelings that accompany such events can lead toward truth. Many of the most creative people have come to believe that periods of melancholy are an essential part of their creative process.

My readings of the research and my own personal experiences have led me to several tentative conclusions. First of all, if you can learn to avoid insulting and threatening yourself during these periods of melancholy, that’s a good thing. Some special types of insults can be especially harmful. “I’ll never be happy again,” is one of these. “I’ll always be a terrible person,” is another. “All is hopeless,” may be the worst .

Practice saying at such times, “Melancholy is part of the creative process; it is a tool that most creative people have experienced, and this mood can spur me to come to a useful understanding of my life.” “Creative” in this context means more than artistic creativity. It encompasses all aspects of a person’s work, and interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

The melancholy that Les is experiencing will not be his whole response to his dissatisfaction with his current appearance. He will perhaps come to realize that he has some time to still live and the years he has already lived have given him a unique perspective that can enrich the time he has left to fulfill the desires that only come about from our deepest searching. For Les, I am going to put off any rating. As far as I’m concerned, he has just begun to provide to himself negative criticism and some more time will be necessary to evaluate what his rating should be.

Okay, that’s our lesson for this week. I would love to get some comments about the ideas I’ve presented. Do you think that there are more mature ways to respond to criticism than the ideas that I’ve put forth? Has there ever been a time when you criticize yourself in a manner that you would like to discuss?

My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, maturity levels, negative criticism, self-criticism, types of criticism, wisdom

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THE CREATION OF THE COOL STEVE STORIES

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 16, 2013
No Comments on THE CREATION OF THE COOL STEVE STORIES

It was way back in 1972 on a pleasant autumn day. As I stepped out of the sparkling sunshine into the shadowy confines of the Coney Island Child Psychiatric Clinic, I was greeted by three people who could have been movie actors. One was a beautiful social worker in her late twenties, with flowing brunette hair; another, a tall, handsome psychologist in his early thirties; and the third, a psychiatrist who looked like he was trying out for a part as Sigmund Freud, with his long, graying beard and pipe. Initially they were warm and friendly but, within a few minutes, switched to more earnest expressions. The psychiatrist took charge at this point, informing me that I would be working with eight very troubled male teenagers—two individually, and six in a group. My first job teaching conflict resolution under the auspices of a real life professional organization had begun.

It was a period of time before the current practice of converting the psychological concerns of all children brought to a psychiatric clinic into a language of illness believed to be due to chemical imbalances. The prescribing of pills as the main—oftentimes only—action offered was something I had never dreamed of. Instead, a staff of professionals and several advanced psychology students from Brooklyn College sought to provide empathic emotional support, understand the conflicts the children were experiencing, and guide them toward more mature coping. I was one of the Brooklyn College students.

Achieving the first two goals proved to be a breeze. The kids’ hunger for attention made it easy to develop genuinely enjoyable relationships. And the way the boys spoke and interacted readily revealed volumes on the topic of conflicts with which they struggled on a daily basis. Guiding the boys toward more mature coping, however, tripped me up.

I remember one of my first attempts. A burly thirteen-year old boy with wild, unkempt hair began to express his anger about a kid at school who had called him a jerk.

“Called you a jerk!?” I replied. “Yikes! What did you do about it?”

“I shoved him.”

“How’d that work out?”

“I got sent to the principal.”

“Do you like to get sent to the principal?”

“NO!”

“Hmm, if you don’t like it, maybe we can figure out how to respond to a name caller in a better way.”

“If someone puts me down, I ain’t gonna let him get away with it.”

“I can understand that. Let’s discuss a few ways to deal with name calling that doesn’t let the other guy get away with anything and yet won’t get you sent to the principal’s office.”

“Na. If that guy calls me a name again, I’m really gonna let him have it! He better not start with me again!”

“I can see just thinking about this is really making you angry.”

“Yeah, it is!”

“Well, I have good news for you. I think I can help you to come up with some ways that you can handle name calling that you would respect but won’t get you in trouble. Wouldn’t that be a good thing?”

“Listen, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore!”

At this point, I realized that, for now, to pursue this any longer would be counterproductive.

Shortly after this, I noticed that the two black kids in the group I was working with were frequently being put down by the four white kids.

Some words got thrown back and forth that could have made a Brooklyn boy blush. Well, okay, maybe not a Brooklyn boy, but most people. Anyway, my efforts to address this were, unfortunately, met with the boys shouting over me as their anger flamed into rage.

“You’re doing just fine,” my supervisor assured me. “Working with kids requires great patience.”

I would have preferred specific suggestions on how to better teach. Still, his comments at least temporarily took some pressure off of me.

But as time went on, my patience waned, and I began to have difficulty falling asleep. In the wee hours of the morning my mind kept going over and over incidents in which my efforts to teach something to the kids ended without success. And then, during one such night, amidst an experience of what felt like endless tossing and turning and excruciating frustration, suddenly I recalled an incident that happened to me in fifth grade. Back then I had recently seen the movie, The Pride of the Yankees, with Gary Cooper starring as the New York Yankees’ great baseball player, Lou Gehrig. Nicknamed “The Iron Horse,” Gehrig had his Hall-of-Fame career cut short at 36 years of age when he was stricken with a fatal disease. As the film comes to an end, it reenacts Gehrig’s farewell address in front of a packed, tearful crowd at Yankee Stadium. I’ll never forget his parting words. “People all say that I’ve had a bad break. But today…today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

Shortly after seeing the film, I decided to read a Lou Gehrig biography and learned that his parents were from Germany. Because I had grown up on war movies that depicted Germans as the vicious enemy, I had, at that time, come to hate Germans. But, when I began to read Lou Gehrig’s biography, I found my hatred undergoing a dramatic change. The story tells us that Lou’s parents were from Germany, spoke with a German accent, and this led the kids in his neighborhood to incessantly torment him.

Somehow, my heart went out to Lou, and from that day on, I came to believe that it wasn’t right to judge a person by their nationality.

Lying in bed recalling having read that biography so many years ago, my mind, at one point, returned to thinking about teaching kids coping skills. It seemed to me that there was something about that Lou Gehrig story that enabled me to reconsider attitudes that I had firmly held for so long. Perhaps if I could tell the kids at the clinic stories about a hero who portrayed higher levels of maturity, they might identify with the hero. I figured that kids like to try out the behaviors of their heroes. I know I did. Criticizing the actions of characters in the story would produce less defensiveness than when I had directly criticized the actions of the kids at the clinic. If I told the stories when the clinic kids weren’t already in a defensive state, maybe they would be open to a real discussion. Once they had thought the issues through, perhaps then they would be better able to integrate what they had learned into their own lives.

Soon afterwards, each time I saw the kids at the clinic dealing with a different conflict in a way that struck me as immature, a story dealing with the conflict in a more mature way just came to me in some strange, effortless manner. The hero of the stories, Cool Steve, has many of the attributes that the clinic kids admired.

I made it a point to tell each story at some point in our session when things were relatively calm. And it turned out that the kids loved them. When I told the stories to the group of kids I worked with—kids well known for their rambunctiousness—they settled right down and you could hear a pin drop as the tale unfolded. They discussed them, grappled with the issues, and oftentimes came to agree that Cool Steve had handled the conflict in a way they respected.

An interesting discovery that I made when I was teaching conflict management to graduate students at the University of Minnesota was that the adult students there enjoyed the stories every bit as much as teenagers. And so, with that encouragement, the stories grew and grew so that they now comprise a series of three novels collectively called The Cool Steve Stories that you can learn about HERE.

Readers of this blog know that as I provide lessons on conflict management, I often illustrate the ideas with newspaper comic strips. Although these comics are very helpful for introducing basic ideas, to really learn the subtleties of applying the ideas of conflict management in actual situations it is hard to beat the longer narratives that novels provide.

The first novel in the trilogy is A Hero Grows in Brooklyn. Most of the action occurs when the main characters are junior high school students. If it was a movie, it would likely be rated “PG.” Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand, the second novel in the trilogy, deals with some more mature themes. The main characters are now beginning an urban high school and there is a modest amount of cursing, and some talk about sexual feelings and fantasies. It would probably be rated “PG13” if it was a movie. Love, Sex and Respect, the final novel in the trilogy, takes the main characters through to their high school graduation. If the book was a movie, it might be rated “R.”

You can learn more about the novels at this blog’s NOVELS page toward the top of this page. There you will find that the first novel in the series can be downloaded for free on any iPad, Nook, Kindle or computer, or you can order a paperback version HERE.

I encourage my students to check these books out because they provide memorable adventures that are not only fun and exciting, but teach some profound lessons as well.

Have a great week!

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Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, conflict management, emotional intelligence, enjoyable relationships, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, threats, violence, wisdom

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER F

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 9, 2013
3 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER F

On this blog, for the past few weeks we have been discussing personal power. We have noted that the reason why people use insults is to try to achieve their desires. This strategy often backfires. Therefore, we have been learning plans to increase our skill to achieve our desires without launching insults.

One valuable way to come up with plans to achieve our desires is to become familiar with various sources of power. And so, I have begun to build an alphabetical list of sources of power. So far, it looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

D=Discussions or Debates (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “D”)

E=Encouraging Caring (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “E”)

Today we add to our list a source of power that begins with the letter “F.”

F is for Fairness

Fairness is a fascinating subject. Consider the following Blondie comic.

Here we get the sense that Dagwood believes his boss’s request is unfair.

Human beings and capuchin monkeys have what some biologists believe is a fairness instinct. In one intriguing study, primatologists Sarah F. Brosnan and Frans B.M. de Waal trained capuchin monkeys to perform a certain task for which they received cucumber slices. The monkeys performed the task just fine until they were permitted to see others being rewarded with grapes, a higher-value payment. Suddenly many of the cucumber-receivers stopped performing the task, sometimes even throwing those measly, unfair cucumber payments out the cage. Behavioral economists call this “inequity aversion”—the tendency to turn down a perfectly good offer if others are getting a better deal.

In studies with human beings, a similar tendency has been observed. People insist on fairness, even at the apparent cost of their immediate best interest.

In this comic, Dilbert, the guy with glasses, begins to shout at his boss even though staying on the good side of your boss is a pretty obvious principle of advancement in the business world. But Dilbert’s sense of fairness has been violated, and he ends up losing his temper. The comic ends by implying to the reader that if the boss would learn to act fairly the workers would get more done.

There is no question that the cry of “NO FAIR!” ranks as one of the most common complaints.

The good news is that this sense of fairness can be used to increase your power.

As a simple example, suppose that you want to play chess with your friend Alfred and you desire to always make the first move. Alfred says he’ll only play if he gets to go first. What can you do? Well, you can say firmly, “You can go first for the first game, but the next game I get to go first. After all, that’s only fair.” Although you don’t get to go first on every occasion, with this resolution you at least get to go first half the time and you enhance your reputation as someone who is fair.

Another fairness strategy is to suggest flipping a coin to see who goes first.

Although the flipping the coin strategy doesn’t work out too well for poor Hammie, it often can be very effective.

An even more powerful strategy to try when someone like Alfred tries to always go first is to say, “Alfred, I’m willing to let you pick between taking turns or flipping a coin to see who goes first.” This gives Alfred a choice and helps to feed his need for power.

The following fairness strategies may be used when someone wants to do something that is incompatible with your desire:

People will do things for you if you give them something in return that they deem as a fair exchange and resist doing things that they deem as not a fair exchange.

People who always want to do something that is incompatible with your desire may be persuaded to do the incompatible act only half the time if you agree to use a game of chance, such as a flip of a coin, to decide if the incompatible act will or won’t occur.

Taking turns often strikes people as fair.
Splitting rewards or chores evenly is one way to settle a dispute.

People may be persuaded not to do an incompatible act if both parties agree to an open discussion followed by a vote. Consider the following comic.

Here Luann and Quill are disagreeing over which of two names to call the album they are working on. One simple way to decide would be to flip a coin, but let’s say they don’t want to decide the matter in that way. Another approach they could use is to agree to come up with five different names that they like, and then get ten of their friends together to discuss which name they like best, and then they could all vote for their favorite one.

By pointing to a precedent, people may be persuaded to resolve the conflict in a similar manner.

In the above cartoon, Charlie Brown’s use of this strategy doesn’t go too well. A more successful use of this strategy is illustrated with the following example. To decide who will go first in a chess game, you first seek out a precedent by finding out how neighborhood chess tournaments decide which players get to go first. You discover that this is decided by one of the players hiding behind her back a pawn and then the other player attempting to guess which hand it’s in. If the opponent guesses right, she gets to go first. You then explain to your chess partner that because this is done at the tournament, you think it’s a fair way for you and your opponent to decide. This strikes your opponent as a fair and fun way to decide.

By pointing to a court decision that is similar to your own conflict, people may be persuaded to resolve the conflict in a similar manner.

Letting an unbiased person choose. There are several variations of this procedure. The parties can agree to submit a particular question to someone they agree is an expert for advice or a decision. They can ask a mediator to help reach a decision. Or they can submit the matter to an arbitrator for an authoritative and binding decision.

In this Blondie example, the kids have a desire to play a new game using the equipment they have. They could have argued for hours over the rules and never actually played. By getting the neutral Dagwood Bumstead to quickly decide on a set of rules, they can more quickly get to playing.

These fairness procedures will not always produce an ideal outcome for you.

You may always want to go first. You may always want to choose something that is much better than what the other party will be left with. Sometimes there is a difference in opinion about what is fair.

Nevertheless, a reputation for fair dealing can have long term payoffs. And if the other party ends up concluding you are an untrustworthy lout, the cost to you may not be limited to just the deal you have managed today to work out. Keep in mind that sometimes to lose is to win.

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Tags ABCs of Power, conflict, conflict management, emotional intelligence, Fairness, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, psychological maturity, sources of power, wisdom

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER E

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 2, 2013
3 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER E

On this blog we have been discussing personal power. We have noted that the reason why people use insults is to try to achieve their desires. This strategy often backfires. Therefore, we have been learning plans to increase our skill to achieve our desires without launching insults at others.

Learning the sources of power greatly enhances our skills to achieve our desires. And once we become confident that we have a variety of effective ways to achieve our desires, we begin to feel more self assured and less likely to become defensive when others begin to criticize us.

After introducing these basic ideas, I began to build a list of sources of power. This list is in alphabetical order. So far, it looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

D=Discussions or Debates (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “D”)

When the list is completed, there will be sources of power all the way up to the letter “F.” Today we add to our list a source of power that begins with the letter “E.”

E is For Encouraging Caring

One way to achieve your desire is to make a request. For example, suppose Judy, whenever she criticizes me, does so by shouting and calling me names. I find that I have a desire to maintain a good relationship with Judy but the way she goes about criticizing me is leading me to consider ending it. What can I do about this? Well, one thing I could do is to wait until Judy is in a relatively good mood, and then make the following request.

By making my request in this way to Judy there is a better chance that my desire to continue to have a good relationship with Judy will occur than if I just end my relationship with her without making my request.

There are, of course, several ways to go about making a request–some are more likely to achieve your desires than others. For example, imagine what might happen if I asked Judy to stop shouting and insulting me while she is in the middle of shouting and insulting me. And let’s say that as I made this request, I began to shout at her while calling her a pile of garbage for shouting and insulting me.

Using that style of making a request can actually make it harder for me to achieve my desire. Rather than making me more powerful, it can lead to my becoming a weaker individual. It can increase the chances that Judy will become angry with me and she may end up storming away. She may begin to talk about me behind my back in a way that leads others to lose respect for me. All of this is the very opposite of what I desire.

So, as these two examples demonstrate, your style of making a request can either increase, or decrease your power.

Interestingly, even if I make my request in a way that is respectful to Judy, as in the first of the two above examples, if she learns that whenever she refuses any of my requests I then begin to shout and insult her, she can still end up losing respect for me. For example, consider the following scenario:

Notice that when John first makes his request, he does not shout or insult Pete in any way. It is only when Pete turns down his request that John begins to shout and insult him.

When turned down, John angrily conveys his belief that Pete is selfish and uncaring. This pattern of responding when a request is turned down is often referred to as “guilting.” “Laying a guilt trip on someone” and “seeking to impose guilt on someone” are other expressions that may be used to refer to this pattern. Guilting is a very common way to respond when a request is turned down.

Contrast this guilting approach to the following:

In this comic, Diane expresses sadness about coming to class late and requests that Tom pick her up on time. As she makes the request, it is very similar to how John asks for help in the previous example. Neither John or Dianne insults the person to whom the request is made while they make their request. But when John is turned down, he begins to use guilting. When Dianne sees that Tom has refused her request, she remains supportive. We will be calling Diane’s style of making a request “encouraging caring.”

It’s crucial to point out here that even with all that Diane does in this comic, a slight change in the end could turn it into guilting. For example, suppose that after becoming convinced that Tom will not do as she asks, she gets up to leave and yells at him, red faced, “You’re a selfish creep!” Then she would have used guilting and Tom would consequently begin to develop an expectation that this will be her pattern of reacting whenever he turns down her requests.

When someone makes a request in a manner consistent with encouraging caring, they do the following:

When we ask others to help, it is acceptable to express sadness at the current state of affairs and to seek a mutually satisfying solution. If our request is turned down, it is not acceptable to view the refuser as evil. To seek to humiliate those who turn down our requests is forbidden, while showing empathy and support are essential. Some people make the mistake of thinking that to use encouraging caring effectively, people must learn to resign themselves to doing nothing else but graciously accepting it when a person turns down their requests. In many situations that is the wisest choice. But there are many alternatives that can be considered that are consistent with the supportive encouraging caring source of power.

In two earlier posts, I gave some examples of people using encouraging caring and guilting (see AN INTRODUCTION TO GUILTING and GUILTING VERSUS ENCOURAGING CARING). I also described in those posts the research indicating that those who use encouraging caring instead of guilting are more likely to enhance their reputation and in the long run are more likely to achieve compliance to their requests. Those posts are worth taking a look at. For now, let’s take a look at a fresh example of someone making a request.

Here Charlie Brown asks Lucy to trade her Joe Shlabotnik baseball card for some of his cards. He makes the request in a sincere manner, and when Lucy refuses, he remains respectful, avoids any insults, and offers her some additional choices to entice her to trade. Again she refuses, and although he is clearly disappointed, he walks away without insulting Lucy. Is this a case of encouraging caring?

Encouraging caring requires that the requester remains supportive and respectful throughout the request, even when it becomes quite clear that the other party will not comply.

What appears missing in Charlie Brown’s efforts to acquire the card is showing empathy and support for Lucy’s position. He doesn’t seem to care why Lucy wants to hold onto the card.

Charlie Brown could have provided us a clearer demonstration of encouraging caring if he had taken more time to ask her more about why the card was valuable to her, and then listened carefully to what she had to say. He could have summarized her position in a kind tone of voice that showed he understands and empathizes with her position. In the end, he could have said: “I understand that you think Joe is cute. Well, Lucy, it’s your baseball card. If you don’t want to trade it, that’s your right.” To show Lucy that he is able to put himself in her shoes, he might mention a time when someone wanted to trade with him, but he refused.

When we think about encouraging caring as a source of power, it is important to remember that when someone does turn down your request it doesn’t mean that your only option is to graciously accept it and resign yourself to not having your desire fulfilled. As long as you remain supportive, there are other things that you can do that are consistent with encouraging caring.

In our example of Charlie Brown’s efforts to obtain a baseball card, what are some other things he could have done to persuade Lucy to make a trade with him while remaining supportive?

Well, at one point, Lucy explains why she doesn’t want to make the trade.

If Lucy wants the baseball card because Joe Shlabotnik is cute, perhaps Charlie Brown could find some used sports magazines that have several pictures of Joe’s cute face. Charlie could offer them as part of his trade. Or he could offer to take a picture of the baseball card with his camera, have the picture blown up, and put in a 9 X 12 inch frame. These ideas come from thinking about why Lucy desires to have the card and trying to come up with a way that fulfills her desire in a manner that does not interfere with Charlie’s desire to have the baseball card for his collection.

Lucy may have another motive for not trading with Charlie Brown than her stated reason—“Joe Shlabotnik is cute.” Perhaps it is because she is after power. By refusing to trade with him, Lucy is demonstrating that she has the power to refuse his offer. If Charlie Brown were to ask her what she believes would be a fair trade for the card, it empowers her to make an offer. Notice that Charlie does not do this. Instead, he keeps trying to come up with offers. If Lucy does come up with an idea for a fair trade, Charlie can then either accept her offer, or use it as a basis for coming up with a counter offer.

These are just some of the possible approaches that are open to Charlie as he seeks ways to have his desire fulfilled while remaining consistent with encouraging caring. When used with the other sources of power, people have the capacity to find numerous ways to fulfill their desires.

Well, I hoped you enjoyed today’s lesson. I hope to see you again real soon.

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Tags ABCs of Power, emotional intelligence, encouraging caring, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, name calling, requests, sources of power, wisdom

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER D

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 27, 2013
2 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER D

A few weeks ago I began to discuss personal power. Let’s begin today’s lesson with a quick review of some key points.

Quick Review

Personal power has several definitions. We’ll be focusing on the one that states that it is the ability to achieve your desires.

Power is related to name calling, insults and teasing. The reason that people use name calling, insults and teasing is to try to achieve their desires. In my blog post titled “INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE” I provide readers with eight typical desires that people seek to achieve by using name calling, insults and teasing. One example that we covered is the desire to get someone to improve.

To illustrate this, we looked at a mother who sees her young boy misbehaving. She desires to get him to improve, so she yells at him, “You little brat, stop that right now!”

If the plans that this mother uses typically achieve her desires, we say that she is a powerful person, or she has a great deal of power. If the plans that she uses make it harder for her to achieve her desires, we picture her as weak and ineffective.

Readers of this blog have been learning plans to increase their skill when they are tempted to launch insults at others or when they find that someone is trying to insult them. Learning the sources of power will greatly enhance these skills.

People who are powerful at achieving their desires create effective plans. The term, “plan,” when used here refers to a series of steps that are described in enough detail so that any reasonable person can immediately implement them. Because there are so many different types of situations in which you find you have a desire, at times you will feel stuck in coming up with a plan.

A “source of power,” as used here, refers to an idea that can help you to come up with a plan even when you feel stuck. Such sources of power, although not specific enough to implement without some creative problem solving, are helpful in fulfilling a wider range of desires than specific plans. Knowledge of the sources of power can turn a feeling of hopelessness into a feeling of challenge.

After introducing these basic ideas, I began to build a list of sources of power. This list is in alphabetical order, beginning with the letter “A.” Once we are done, by keeping the list readily available whenever you feel stuck about how to achieve your desire, you will be able to retrieve the list, and as you go through it, you will find that it can often serve as an aid for creating a promising plan. By spending time familiarizing yourself with the list, you will find that even when you don’t have the list at your fingertips its alphabetical arrangement will aid your recall.

So far, the list looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

When the list is completed, there will be sources of power all the way up to the letter “F.” Today we add to our list a source of power that begins with the letter “D.”

D is for Discussion or Debate

If you find yourself having trouble coming up with a plan to achieve one of your desires, inviting a variety of people to participate in a discussion about this can often be very helpful.

There are a variety of ways to use this strategy of getting a wide range of perspectives on a difficult issue.

In the above comic, Dilbert decides to participate in a discussion with himself. Although this certainly can be helpful at times, involving others has some benefits as well.

Here’s an approach that I think is particularly helpful. Describe your difficulty to two people who are not embroiled in it. Do this by first providing your perspective. Then flip a coin to find out which of the two individuals will pretend to be using your perspective while trying to come up with a useful plan. The other person is asked to be free to take any perspective he or she wants.

Depending on how complicated the situation is, put what strikes you as a reasonable period of time aside for the first round of the discussion. Once that time expires, ask your helpers to reverse roles. That is, the person who had been taking your perspective now is to be free to take any other perspective. The person who had been free to take any perspective now is to be restricted to take your perspective.

It is often very valuable to set up these types of discussions on multiple occasions. On each occasion, you would be wise to seek out very different types of people to participate.

How can you get people to discuss your problem? One option is to call family members or other people that you know. Begin by asking them how they are doing, listen intently, and then ask them either to meet you and the other family member in person for the type of discussion you have in mind, or for them to engage in the debate using an exchange through email.

Another option is to use the search engines on the internet. In search engines such as Google, you can just put your problem in the search bar and numerous ideas may be retrieved.

There are also numerous blogs on the internet, some that target very general problems, and some that focus on pretty much every conceivable type of issue. Consider joining one or more of these, and then throw out your problem to the subscribers and see what they come up with.

An Example of Using the “Discussion” Source of Power

Leroy, a shy seventeen-year old boy, has been feeling pretty lonely lately. He moved into a new city with his parents and is having trouble finding new friends.

He’s tried to start up conversations at school, but just can’t really get himself to do it. He has a few cousins in the city he used to live in who are about his age, so he asks them to discuss this through an email exchange.

One cousin, Ty, takes the perspective of a very shy boy, just like Leroy. The other cousin, Rodney, takes the perspective of any one he wants.

“There’s nothing wrong with being shy,” writes Ty. “If you don’t have any friends, then you don’t have to put up with a bunch of jerks. You get to do whatever you want when you want to. With friends, one guy wants to go to one movie, another wants to go to a different movie, neither of which you want to see. You don’t need friends, they’re just a stupid hassle.”

“It’s great having friends,” Rodney replies. “If your friends don’t want to go to a movie you want to see, then you can still go alone. But sometimes they do want to go to a movie you want to go see, and then you got some company.”

“I just can’t make friends,” writes Ty.

“Sure you can,” Rodney comes back. “Hey, listen, I got an idea. On the internet, there are a bunch of groups that have been formed with the purpose of achieving a common goal. Meetup.com and websites like it include national groups and tons of local ones as well. You type in your area code and a list of the meetup groups in your area come up. You can also search by activity.

“Sometimes the groups in your area do not deal with the exact thing you are interested in. You can still meet with one that comes closest, take some time to get to know the people, and then propose setting up another group that addresses more directly your specific interest.”

After this discussion, Leroy decides to give the Meetup.com idea a try. He goes to its webpage, and because there is no one right there in person to reject him, he finds that he can look around the site with pretty much no anxiety.

He has always been interested in vintage cars. He types that into the site’s search engine and discovers that his city does have a group that meets regularly. Not only that, but they are putting together a vintage car show on the edge of town and they are looking for volunteers to help out.

Leroy signs up to be a volunteer, and finds that the folks that he meets are eager to discuss with him their common interests. Before long, he meets a few people who become his friends.

At the Meetup.com website, he also finds a group for “shy people.” They meet once a month as a support group. He gives that group a try and finds that he is learning to deal better with his shyness from the group’s weekly discussions and he enjoys their company. He ends up no longer feeling so lonely.

Well, that’s today’s lesson. Have a great week.

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Tags ABCs of Power, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, lonely, name calling, sources of power, wisdom

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PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 19, 2013
2 Comments on PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

In last week’s post, I presented a lesson on responding to negative criticism that utilized a Luann comic strip. It was so popular that I decided to once again have Luann help us out; but this time, rather than focusing on the most mature ways to respond to negative criticism, let’s focus on the most mature ways to provide negative criticism. For those of you who are new to this blog, you may want to first review a couple of my earlier posts that introduce some key ideas (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

First Example

Let’s begin by first taking another look at the same Luann comic that we used last week.

Last week we mentioned that in the above comic Luann appears to have become a little defensive at Bernice’s criticism. We went on from there to answer the question, “What could Luann do differently to better match a more mature response?”

Now, if you will, think about Bernice’s style of providing negative criticism to Luann. Is there anything that she could have done differently that would have led you to think she is more mature than how she comes across in the comic strip?

My Answer

Here’s my approach to answering this question. For the most part, Bernice’s actions seem to me to best match the level 4 description—The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning insults, threats, or shouts.

The first time Bernice speaks, she provides the same negative criticism to Luann that Luann had provided to herself—“You should drop 10 pounds and grow your bust line.” This can seem insulting, but Bernice was invited by Luann to give her an opinion and I’m not sure Bernice means it as an insult.

Nevertheless, Luann does become a little defensive as a result of Bernice’s comment, leaning over and with her mouth depicted as open wide, she appears to be shouting. If Bernice was to earn full credit for being at level 4, she would show some empathy at this point.

What exactly would “show some empathy” look like in this situation? There are a number of styles for this, but here’s one approach for your consideration.

“Luann,” says Bernice, “I know you agreed to wear this outfit in front of a lot of people and you’re worried about how you’re going to look. Are you OK?”

Then, Bernice listens in a caring manner without interrupting Luann. Once Luann clearly finishes what she has to say, Bernice summarizes Luann’s comments. Then she says, “Luann, regardless of whether you decide to wear this costume or not, I, for one, am going to still like you. I consider you my dearest friend.”

If Bernice would have responded in this manner, I think Luann would have very much appreciated it.

Overall, I think that Bernice, in the comic, does not intend to insult her friend but instead intends to provide her some honest feedback. Although level 4 does not quite match all that I observed in Bernice’s style of providing criticism, it is a better match than level 3 which requires an obvious attempt at providing an insult.

In rating Bernice’s style of providing criticism to Luann, I gave Bernice 4 points because her actions best matched the level 4 description. I then subtracted .2 because of her lack of empathy, and her final response about the skimpy outfit had her coming off as slightly insulting. Thus I gave Bernice’s style of providing criticism a 3.8.

Now, this type of rating system, it is important to note, is designed for those people who are providing negative criticism because they hope to encourage some improvement. In the above comic, it seems to me that the improvement that Bernice is pulling for is to get Luann to change her mind about wearing the demeaning costume. But, perhaps I’m wrong. There are other reasons why people provide negative criticism besides seeking to encourage some improvement.

In my post, INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE, I provide readers a list of eight major reasons why people provide negative criticism. In the above comic strip, rather than trying to encourage Luann to make some improvement, Bernice may, instead, have been feeling jealous. After all, Luann had been asked to wear the costume by someone who is going to put on a big Zeye promotion. Nobody asks Bernice to wear the costume.

If jealousy was the motivation for Bernice’s negative criticism, then my advice to her would be different than if I thought she was motivated to help Luann to make some improvement. I think I would have suggested that she consider waiting at least a week before providing any negative criticism, thus giving her some time to find a way to sail out of the stormy region of anger on the great sea of conflict.

Second Example

Let’s continue with Luann’s costume story. Despite Bernice’s comments, Luann decides to go ahead and wear the Zeye outfit at one of the stores in the local mall to promote Zeye Games. Tiffany arrives at the promotion with this cute guy, Quill. Tiffany and Luann are both very much attracted to him. In the comic below, you’ll notice that Tiffany begins to provide some negative criticism to Luann. What rating do you think she deserves?

My Answer

When I first read the comic I thought Tiffany’s actions best matched the level 3 description— The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The comments Tiffany makes to Luann in front of Quill, are obviously designed to be insulting. For example, when Tiffany says, “…I’ve grown past wearing cheesy outfits,” her clear intent is to indicate that she thinks Luann is not as mature as she.

Tiffany’s comments are even more insulting because she is saying it in front of Quill.

As I mentioned above, those of us who had been following the Luann comic strip during the period of time these particular comics appeared, learned that Quill has shown some interest in Luann, and Tiffany is jealous. As I interpret Tiffany’s negative criticism of Luann, it is not really about the cheesy outfit and how Luann looks in it—it’s about her jealousy.

But, for educational reasons, let’s say Tiffany, in this situation really did want to provide some helpful negative criticism to Luann. What actions would Tiffany have had to carry out under this set of circumstances in order for her to match the highest level of maturity–level 5?

5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

To match this level of maturity, Tiffany, as she begins to feel the desire to provide negative criticism with the intention to encourage improvement, she would start to consider situational and personal variables that are present. In doing so, she would realize that to negatively criticize Luann in front of Quill could very likely come off as immature, especially if Quill is mature enough to recognize what is obvious to most of the readers of the Luann comic. She would have had to say to herself, “If I put down Luann in front of Quill, there’s a good chance Quill will see that I’m being mean and that I’m the type of person who does mean things when I get jealous. If I really think Luann would be better off not wearing the Zeye costume and I really cared about her, I’d ask to speak to her about this in private.”

Third Example

Let’s try one more for now. Please see what level of providing criticism best matches Quill’s effort to provide Luann a singing tip.

My Answer

Quill begins his negative criticism with some positive criticism. I like that. Before providing his negative criticism, he first asks Luann if he can give her a tip. Nice! After Luann agrees to hear it, Quill gives her very specific instructions that can really make a difference if she desires to utilize it. Although some people are nearby, Quill appears to be presenting his criticism far enough away from the others so he and Luann have some privacy. I think level 5 is the best match.

Well, that’s our Name Calling, Insults and Teasing lesson for today. Have a great week.

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Tags conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, jealousy, Luann comics, negative criticism, providing criticism: levels of maturity, wisdom

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 12, 2013
1 Comment on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism. Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others. I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training. They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions. This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned. I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one. Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look. Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism. Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship. But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you? I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach. Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic. After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism. I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say. I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four. It is described as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive. I can certainly understand why she has become defensive. Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice. One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind. Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit. Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann. In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.” I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a few moments.” Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is. Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit. She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame of the comic:

Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes. In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive. But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice. She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern. I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public. To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning. These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes. The outfits are called niqabs and burkas. I think they are demeaning to women. When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis. When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK. So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more. It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice. What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought. By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann. In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations. There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature. My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right! There’s your lesson for today. From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Tags criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, Luann comics, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism

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Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 7, 2012
21 Comments on Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

As we interact with others, sometimes we find someone treating us disrespectfully. For example, someone might shout at us words like, “You’re a jerk!” or “You’re a piece of trash!”

It’s no secret that when we are treated disrespectfully, we may have feelings of anguish and be moved to tears. Or we may explode in anger. To deal with these rough feelings it often helps to keep the following in mind:

We have all experienced name calling, insults and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and every member of your favorite band. If someone insults you, calls you names, or teases you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.

Although being treated disrespectfully does not mean that you are a bad person, skillful handling of these types of situations can have an enormous influence on how much you are liked and respected by others, and how you regard yourself as a person. This blog, From Insults to Respect, is designed to help you to learn to handle these challenges, along with other challenging situations. And it provides, through comments and replies, an opportunity for me to learn from all of you.

To use this blog as a free psychological/social intelligence curriculum, after reading this introduction lesson, whenever you are ready to move on to the next lesson, all you have to do is scroll down past the last paragraph of the post and on the right you will see the title of the next post and then double arrows pointing to the right. If you click on the double arrows, it will take you to the very next post, which is the next lesson. After that lesson, you can again go to the very next lesson in the curriculum by clicking on the double arrows which appears in a similar place at the bottom right of each lesson, and so on. In this way, you can go systematically through each lesson at your own pace.

As you go through each lesson, there is a comment box at the bottom of each lesson, and there you can ask questions, or join others in making comments. Although I can’t promise to respond to every question or comment, I will do my very best.

So, please give at least the first few lessons a chance to see if they can help you to develop some enormously helpful skills,

My Best,
Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, disrespectful, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, free stress management curriculum, respect