Category: criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date August 4, 2013
2 Comments on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Most people would agree that some people are less skillful at handling criticism than others.

Those following this blog well know that I have been encouraging readers to be able to recognize five levels of maturity for responding to criticism. As I began my efforts, first I provided a lesson about the first four levels of maturity (see Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity).

In that post, I described level 4 as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After describing all four levels, I explained why the ordering of the four levels makes some sense. For example, I explained how I had made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways. Then I asked others to watch the shows. Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism. This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected. Level one is the least liked. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.

Unlike the first four levels of maturity, it is not as easy to make video recordings of people displaying a level 5 response because quite a bit of this level’s response occurs up in the head of the responder. To understand this better, let’s briefly review the level 5 response (For a complete description of level 5 see Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level).

LEVEL FIVE. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

Here’s a quick example of someone responding to criticism at level 5. My wife, Andrea, and I are getting dressed to go to a party. When Andrea sees what shirt I put on, she criticizes my choice, saying, “That’s not quite right for this occasion.”As I prepare my response in my mind, I realize that I disagree with her. But before I begin to disagree with her, while at the same time trying not to be disagreeable or defensive, I silently ask myself, “Is there someway I can steer in the direction of Andrea’s criticism?”

I quickly realize that I have two other shirts that I would enjoy wearing to this party as much as the one I initially picked out. And so, I pulled them out of my closet and said to Andrea, “Well, if you don’t like the one I picked out for this evening, how about either of these two?”

“Oh,” she says, “the one on the left would be perfect. Thanks dear.”

And so, from this example, you can readily see that a good part of my response occurs in my head as I tried in my mind to come up with an option that both Andrea and I would end up feeling comfortable. Said a little differently, I searched my mind to see if I could find a win-win response to her criticism.

To illustrate my using a level 5 response, I could use some type of a gimmick such as having me strike a classic pose of someone thinking and then my head would appear above me, and it would start to speak the words I’m supposedly thinking. This has been done effectively in the movies, but it’s just not as clean an approach as the one I used to demonstrate the validity of the first four levels, and I’m not sure how to go about creating the special effect of the extra head gimmick. And so I’m going to defend level 5 in another manner.

Originally, I had formulated the current five levels system as a four levels system, but when I heard Professor Richard deCharms speak at a conference back in 1977, he convinced me to add the fifth level. He spoke about how most teachers treat their students like pawns, rather than origins.

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings.

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating my behavior. Such a feeling, Professor deCharms told the audience, is what he called, “feeling like an origin.”

An idea that is similar to the one Professor deCharms describes has been referred to as the powerless versus empowerment spectrum. People who perceive themselves powerless often experience alienation or reactance against those perceived as the bosses.

In the business world, leaders attempt to get their subordinates to “buy into a plan” by asking for their feedback and trying to use their suggestions as best as they can to strengthen the plan. This strategy doesn’t always work, but leaders know that it has the potential to improve the process of implementing the plan.

To see what happens when teachers act in ways that are designed to lead students to feel like origins, Professor deCharms and his colleagues designed a project that provided a unique training program to inner-city teachers. His findings are dramatic.[1]

Academic achievement as measured by standardized tests was significantly better in the classrooms after the teachers received the training. In fifth grade, the children in this inner-city district were typically more than one-half year behind national norms in grade equivalent scores. This downward trend continued in the children who had teachers who did not receive the training so that by eighth grade they were a year behind national norms. The trend was reversed for the children who had the trained teachers to the point that they gained, on average, more than a full year between the end of sixth grade and the end of seventh grade and maintained their advantage through eighth grade.
School attendance and punctuality were positively affected in the classes with trained teachers.

More recent studies[2] provide further evidence that students are more likely to act in accordance with group decisions or school rules if they have participated in forming them.

Steering not only improves learning and behavior but health outcomes as well. In a remarkable series of studies at a nursing home,[3] elderly residents were each given a choice of houseplants to care for and were asked to make a number of small decisions about their daily routines. Nurses were taught to steer in the directions the residents requested. For example, residents requested a movie be provided each evening in the community room. Although there was inadequate funds for this, the nurses did increase the number of movies that were shown from occasionally, to once per week. A year and a half later, not only were the residents who had nurses that learned to steer more cheerful, active, and alert than a similar group in the same institution who were not given these choices and responsibilities, but many more of them were still alive. In fact, less than half as many of the decision-making, plant-minding residents had died as had those in the other group.

Some people, when they first hear about steering, express concern because it seems to them that it requires that they give up on holding fast to their treasured ideals. “It is just designed to promote conformity!” claimed a student. “If a teacher criticizes the length of my hair, if I don’t cut it a little shorter, does that make me immature?”

“I’m against war,” said another student. “With steering does that mean that to be mature I must come to a position that holds that a little killing is okay? Steering means that the only proper ideal is to be middle of the road, a position that I despise.”

My response to these examples is to explain that I am not proposing that every time you are criticized you must make some change. Steering envisions that the person criticized makes an effort to see if there is some way out of the conflict, a way where two opposing views can be reframed into an original and larger context that provides new values to both parties. This may be difficult and at times not always possible or desirable, but as we move along, I hope to show that it is possible far more often than commonly believed.

[1] Richard deCharms, Enhancing Motivation: Change In the Classroom, New York: Irvington Publishers, 1976.

[2] N. Way, & M. G. Robinson, 2003, “Effects of Perceived Family, Friends, and School Experiences on Change in Self-Esteem among Urban, Low-SES Adolescents,” Journal of Adolescent Research, 18, 324-346. M. Wang, 2009,

“School Climate Support for Behavioral and Psychological Adjustment: Testing the Mediating Effect of Social Competence,” School Psychology Quarterly, 24, 240-251.

[3]E. J. Langer and J. Rodin, 1976, The Effects of Choice and Enhanced Personal Responsibility for the Aged: A Field Experiment in an Institutional Setting, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 34(2), 191-198; J. Rodin and E. J. Langer Rodin, 1977, Long-Term Effects of a Control-Relevant Intervention with the Institutionalized Aged, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(12), 897-902.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict management, criticism, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, mature level, maturity, maturity levels, psychological maturity, videogames, wisdom

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ANGER, STRESS AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK-OFF TECHNIQUE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 21, 2013
4 Comments on ANGER, STRESS AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK-OFF TECHNIQUE

While taking my conflict resolution class, Sara, a young woman around thirty, asked the following: “I have been finding many of my new conflict resolution skills very helpful. However, to my dismay, sometimes I’m feeling stressed out and then if I become angry I find my skills fly right out the window. Why do you think that this occurs, and is there anything I can do about this?”

To answer Sara’s question, I first reminded her about what a conflict is according to the DIG Conflict Model we discussed earlier on this blog (see for example, DIG FOR THE CONFLICT):

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

Party A desires an act will occur.
Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire.
Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Consider, as an example, the following For Better or for Worse comic strip.

Let’s say that we are looking at this situation from Elly’s perspective. Thus, she is party A. And let’s say the comic strip portrays a situation in which Elly desires that John will be so appreciative of her own unique beauty that he would have no interest in looking at other women, but interfering with this desire, Elly sees John turning his attention away from her and toward another woman. And, finally, let’s say Elly’s shouting occurs because she thinks John is guilty of doing something wrong. If this was indeed how Elly perceived this situation, then all three of the DIG conflict conditions are present (a desire, an interfering act, and the perception of guilt). We would therefore be justified to conclude that Elly has a conflict with John.

When Elly perceives that John is interfering with her desire, we can also say that John’s action is threatening her desire to be appreciated. That is, Elly might think that if John finds the woman that he is ogling attractive, perhaps he finds many other women attractive and at some point he’ll decide to leave me and our kids so he can have affairs with these women? Such threatening concerns are experienced as frustrating or stressful.

The concept of stress is designed to account for the fact that the degree of threat necessary to trigger an emotional reaction can change depending on other threats one has encountered in a relatively short period of time. These other threats, even if relatively minor by themselves, can build up.

The concept of stress is used to describe situations in which it appears that threats can build up to a point that exhausts a person’s ability to cope. As threats build up, they can cause stress which tends to lower the threshold for the triggering of an emotion even when the threats have occurred in a setting that has nothing to do with the threat currently being dealt with. A relatively minor incident that would not result in an angry emotional reaction by itself, may nevertheless lead to a blow-up if it occurs too close in time to other threatening experiences.

Phillip Zimbardo refers to certain situations that build up stress as creating the “Lucifer effect.”[1]

Professor Zimbardo discovered this effect when he utilized a group of Stanford University students to engage voluntarily in an experiment. These students were first selected because they were identified through an extensive battery of tests as being particularly healthy, both physically and emotionally. They were then randomly divided into “guards” and “inmates” and then placed in a mock prison environment. Within a week many of these healthy students were transformed into explosively angry individuals.

What led to this transformation? Those playing the inmates were placed in cramped cells. There were shrieking whistles in the middle of the night disturbing sound sleep. Those who were acting as guards repeatedly yelled insults. When ‘inmates’ expressed anger at how they were being treated, ‘guards’ barked back more insults. Failure to follow rules resulted in degrading punishment.

Before long, inmates furiously resisted and guards became more and more insensitive in shouting insults and instituting punishments. Once physical shoving began to occur, based on humane considerations and legal ones, the experiment was halted well before the researchers had originally planned.

So, I explained to Sara, the woman who asked the question in my conflict resolution class, when you feel stressed out and then find that you can no longer control your anger, this is a pattern most human beings will experience under certain conditions. We all have limited resources to deal with threats and as the threats heat up we begin to lose our cool. When we lose our cool, all that we have left to cope with a challenging situation is our most primitive instincts. Fortunately, there are a few things that we can do to deal effectively with these types of situations. Today, we’ll just focus on one of them—the Signaling to Back-Off Technique. To introduce this idea, let’s begin with a parable.

PARABLE OF MARTY AND LENA

Marty got stuck at work and so he called his girlfriend, Lena, to let her know he was going to be late for their date.

When he finally arrived, he was already irritated about how his boss had treated him and he found himself becoming a little annoyed when Lena started to raise her voice about how late he had been. He took a deep breath, and then replied, “I understand why you are upset. I was really very late and naturally you are very frustrated.”

Lena then looked at his clothes and complained that he was not wearing a tie.

“I didn’t think a tie was necessary for the party we’re going to,” Marty replied. “Next time we go to a party, I’ll check with you before I pick out my outfit.”

As they left the house to go to the party, before getting into his car, Lena paused. “You didn’t have your car washed and you knew we were going to a party!” she complained. “It’s filthy.”

“Lena, I had a rough day at work, and now, in the last five minutes you criticized me three times—first, about my being late, then about not wearing a tie, and now, about not washing the car. Usually I’m very interested in your criticisms. It helps me to become a better person. But for the rest of the evening I’d like you to hold off on any more.”

“Don’t give me that!” Lena hollered. “You didn’t wash the lousy car! What’s wrong with you?!”

“Lena, I know you’re going to be disappointed, but I’ve decided to spend the evening alone. I’ll call you in a few days and if you’re up to discussing what happened this evening, we’ll do it then. I’m sorry.” Then Marty got into his car and drove away with Lena still yelling.

Parable Discussion

Notice that in this Marty and Lena parable, Marty, after being criticized three times in a short period of time attempts to sail away from the Region of Anger by gently asking Lena to hold off on any more criticism for the rest of the evening. We will call this the “Signaling to Back-Off Technique.” Although this fails to work for Marty in this parable, the Signaling to Back-Off Technique has the potential to be highly effective. It works best in an ongoing relationship, although I have seen it work well with people who hardly know each other. The best way to set this up is to discuss this technique with the other person at a time when both of you are not in an angry mood. You might say to the other party something like:

Sometimes I begin to get really upset about something you are saying. I know that it’s important for me to hear your point of view and I do want to hear what you have to say. But there are times when I’m in no condition to give you a fair hearing on a particular topic. At such times, it would help me a great deal if I could give you a simple signal for you to back off for a while. I’ll make sure you’ll get your opportunity to have your full say on a topic before too long—almost always within a week. But I sometimes require a little time to get my act together first. Would you mind helping me out in this way?

If the other party agrees to the Signaling to Back-Off Technique, and I have found that most people do, together you can decide on a signal. A friend might say something to another friend like, “Please give me a little time to think about this.” A wife might wish to use with her husband the phrase, “Darling, let’s discuss this later.” I know one couple who just uses the phrase, “Back off, please.” This strikes me as a bit abrupt, but it seems to work for them.

In the Marty and Lena parable, when Lena refuses to hold off on anymore negative criticism for a while, Marty decides to leave rather than listening to any more insults. I know some couples who disagree with Marty’s approach. “He should have stayed there and had it out with her!” some say. “After a few more minutes of shouting back and forth, the whole thing would have been over and they could have ended up having a good time at the party.”

There are couples who do successfully use the quick shouting argument approach.

I know one couple who has been using it for over forty years and it seems to have worked well enough. True, it’s a little embarrassing for their friends who sometimes happen to be around when the couple starts going at each other, but the whole bout is usually over in less than five minutes and then all seems to be fine. If this indeed has been working for you, I certainly won’t be calling the Anger Management Police to have you arrested.

Whereas the quick shouting approach may work well for some people all of the time, others find that they sometimes reach a point at which they determine that it would be best to indeed call a time out. We do it in many sports for four reasons. We want to take some time to catch our breath, to avoid an incident exploding into violence, to think about what has just been happening, and to formulate a plan to go forward. It is for the same reasons why we call time outs in an anger arousing situation.

[1] P. Zimbardo, The Lucifer Effect, New York, Random House, 2007.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, criticism, despute resolution, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, lucifer effect, Phillip Zimbardo, signaling to back-off technique, stress

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CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A LESSON FROM BLONDIE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 14, 2013
No Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A LESSON FROM BLONDIE

Over the course of the last few weeks I presented some lessons that aim to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE). As I’ve pointed out on many occasions, becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day. It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions. And so, from time to time, I insert a little practice session to remind you of the previously presented ideas and to give you a little practice utilizing them. Today, we will take a look at a Blondie comic example. There, you will find that after Dagwood gives Blondie a statue she sees as ugly, she criticizes herself. Please take a look at her response to her self-criticism, and see if you think she handled it maturely.

As you think about how maturely Blondie criticizes herself in this comic, perhaps it would be of help to look at the five levels of providing criticism that we discussed earlier:

This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about
Physically attacks themselves
Damages property

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

They do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, calling themselves a jerk”)
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

Now that you refreshed your memory of the five levels, does any one of them seem to match how Blondie criticized herself? Think about this, if you will, and then you can have some fun comparing your thoughts with mine.

My answer: Obviously, what we see is not meant to display Blondie’s whole response, but there is enough here to hazard a guess for our educational goal of familiarizing readers with the maturity rating system.

Blondie frames her feeling as “terrible.” It would be a sign of higher maturity if she conceptualized her experience instead as “sad” and “a valuable emotion that will lead to her thinking more deeply about something very important to her—her relationship with her husband.”

We know from what we see here and from observing her behavior over the years that Blondie is a very caring person. So, perhaps she is the type to be compassionate toward her own limitations. She doesn’t hit herself, so she may not be at level 1. In the last box, she may be crying and this would indicate her response deserves a level 1 rating unless she also displays some set of responses that deserves a higher rating.

When Blondie calls herself insensitive, it comes pretty close to matching level 2. Admittedly, this is a tricky call. One reason for the difficulty is that she might not be really insulting herself at this point. Instead, she might be displaying the process of thinking through the best course of action for herself. That is, she might be laying out for her consideration the value of being considerate.

If she had obviously put herself down by calling herself a rat for example, this response would be easier to rate as a level 2. But the descriptor, “insensitive,” is very relevant to what concerns her about her actions. I like her concern for her husband. I view empathy as a sign of higher levels of maturity.

In the last frame, she is taking some time to deal with her challenging experience. Maybe she is actually using the “sensory focus” technique we recently discussed (see DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN). “Sensory focus” involves turning your attention to the physical qualities of the pain and observing the sensations you are experiencing. This can convert challenging feelings into a search that leads to ever higher levels of truth.

I think this is where we leave Blondie in the comic we are analyzing. Without being able to discuss this episode with her or to observe further how the events continue to unfold, I’m going to just take a very tentative guess that she is indeed trying to figure out how to respond in a sensitive way toward Dagwood, and that she will not really insult herself. In time, she probably would have displayed a response very close to a level 4 or 5.

Thanks for visiting today. I hope to see you soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Blondie, conflict, conflict management, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism, self-criticism, types of criticism, wisdom

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CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 1, 2013
7 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I presented a post that aims to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see Criticizing Yourself: Five Levels of Maturity). In that post there is a fun practice section to help people to get familiar with the different levels. Becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day. It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions. So today, I’ll once again describe the five levels of maturity, and then let’s practice some more with the help of some of our favorite friends.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about our actions, beliefs, or appearance. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature:

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

5. When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in. As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

A PEANUTS EXAMPLE

Below, in the Peanuts comic, Lucy provides negative criticism to herself while Charlie Brown listens. Take a shot, if you will, at rating how mature you think her criticism is on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most mature. Think about why you gave her your rating, and then compare your answer to mine.

My answer: I think Lucy’s actions best match the level 3 description— You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can, if you so choose, improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The main reason I have for this is that she is shouting at herself. Lucy’s actions indicate to me that she knows what her negative criticism is about; instead of becoming discouraged, she wants her life to move from one “up” to an “upper-up,” without any “downs.” I believe her actions should be reduced by .5 because she doesn’t make it clear to herself what she should do about her expressed concern. I would have felt she at least tried to come up with a plan of action if she had said something to herself like the following: “For the next few weeks, each time I feel discouraged, I’m going to write in a journal how I feel, what led up to how I feel, and then see if I can come up with something that leads to my feeling better.” In the end, I gave Lucy a 2.5 rating.

ANOTHER PEANUTS EXAMPLE

In this next one, Lucy again provides negative criticism to herself, and again we get the sense that she knows what the criticism is about, but she doesn’t come up with some plan to address her concern. What rating do you think she deserves? Also, see if you can come up with a statement that Lucy can make to herself that would indicate she has come up with a plan to address her concern.

My answer: This time Lucy doesn’t shout at herself. She does shout at Linus about the negative criticism he provides, but our job here is not to rate that, but rather her negative criticism of her own actions. That occurs in the last box where she says to herself, “How humiliating!”

I don’t view her comment as an insult, although in real life she would have to decide that for herself. It seems to me that people, when they are dissatisfied with “a failure to accomplish a task,” can feel a sense of humiliation, not as an insult, but as a humbling experience that has the potential to motivate them to seek to make some improvement. As far as I am concerned, a person can feel humiliated and still respond at level 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. If Lucy had insulted herself or shouted at herself, I would have felt that level three was the best match for what she does. I’m giving Lucy, instead, a question mark because sometimes criticism is provided that is clear about what is not liked but useful information about improving is not provided. If this is done in a supportive manner that does not use any insults, shouts, or threats, a question mark can be used instead of a rating. This indicates that sometimes mature people will provide this type of feedback to gently encourage themselves to come up with a solution to the problem of how to improve. The criticizer is in essence merely asking the question, “Can I come up with a way to make some improvement in this area?” Because asking such a question using a supportive tone of voice is not necessarily a sign of immaturity, no rating is immediately assigned, but as time goes on, some rating may become earned.

A FUNKY WINKERBEAN EXAMPLE

Let’s try rating Les in this Funky Winkerbean comic. Below, we see that Les, the guy with the glasses, has been invited to his thirtieth high school reunion. When he looks in the mirror he begins to evaluate how he now looks and recalls how he looked thirty years ago. As he does so, apparently he is providing some negative criticism to himself. Please rate how mature you think his response is.

My answer: The thought of going to his thirtieth high school reunion has put Les in a deep funk. He is saddened to see how he has aged. He doesn’t seem to be insulting himself in any way or threatening to harm himself. He’s also not hitting himself. Hmmm.

Some who view themselves as “healthy-minded” say that by letting himself feel sad about something he can’t do anything about, Les is actually acting in an unhealthy manner. These so called “healthy-minded” folks argue that Les would be far wiser to avert his attention from what is bothering him and live in the light of what is good in his life.

Admittedly, this method does seem to work for many people, and if it works for you, feel free to continue with it for as long as you like. I promise that I won’t send the mental health police after you.

There are those of us, however, who have tried this “healthy-minded” approach and find that, when melancholy comes, the whole system quickly breaks down. If that is your experience, perhaps the words of the brilliant psychologist, William James, might be more to your liking. “[T]here is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Clearly, people confront events that create feelings of sadness, horror, and dread. To James, the feelings that accompany such events can lead toward truth. Many of the most creative people have come to believe that periods of melancholy are an essential part of their creative process.

My readings of the research and my own personal experiences have led me to several tentative conclusions. First of all, if you can learn to avoid insulting and threatening yourself during these periods of melancholy, that’s a good thing. Some special types of insults can be especially harmful. “I’ll never be happy again,” is one of these. “I’ll always be a terrible person,” is another. “All is hopeless,” may be the worst .

Practice saying at such times, “Melancholy is part of the creative process; it is a tool that most creative people have experienced, and this mood can spur me to come to a useful understanding of my life.” “Creative” in this context means more than artistic creativity. It encompasses all aspects of a person’s work, and interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

The melancholy that Les is experiencing will not be his whole response to his dissatisfaction with his current appearance. He will perhaps come to realize that he has some time to still live and the years he has already lived have given him a unique perspective that can enrich the time he has left to fulfill the desires that only come about from our deepest searching. For Les, I am going to put off any rating. As far as I’m concerned, he has just begun to provide to himself negative criticism and some more time will be necessary to evaluate what his rating should be.

Okay, that’s our lesson for this week. I would love to get some comments about the ideas I’ve presented. Do you think that there are more mature ways to respond to criticism than the ideas that I’ve put forth? Has there ever been a time when you criticize yourself in a manner that you would like to discuss?

My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, maturity levels, negative criticism, self-criticism, types of criticism, wisdom

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CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date June 23, 2013
4 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Earlier, I wrote a post titled “Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity.” When I gave examples of people using the five levels, they typically involved someone providing criticism to someone else. And yet, if you think about it, you probably criticize yourself at least as much as you criticize others.

So, it is time that we begin to take a good hard look to see if the five levels of maturity apply equally well when we think about providing negative criticism to ourselves? To do so, please take another look at the five levels that have now been rewritten so they can be used to rate the way you criticize yourself.. As you do, imagine a recent time that you criticized yourself and see which of the levels best matches your style of criticizing yourself.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM TO YOURSELF: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature.

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

APPLYING THE FIVE LEVELS TO SELF-CRITICISM

One of the last times I criticized myself, I was playing golf, and when I swung at the ball, I missed it.

I found myself crying out, “Man, that was stupid!” As I saw myself doing this, I quickly realized that such a response was not very helpful. I moved away from any more insults and just took a moment to experience the frustration within me. After about five seconds of this, I then realized that I was with other golfers, and they had just seen me calling myself stupid. I looked each of them in their eyes and smiled. Then, I reviewed in my mind what a perfect swing in that situation is suppose to look like. Finally, I stepped into position and took another swing.

How Did I Do?

Well, at least I didn’t break my club slamming it to the ground, as I had done a few times when I first began to learn the game. A couple of times when I did slam the clubs down, I broke the club and had to go buy a new one–thus, it was a costly mistake. If I had acted that way–that is, by breaking my club–I would have acted at level 2. It has been years since the last time I slammed a club down, a clear sign that I matured in this domain.

The way I acted the last time was a little more mature than a level two.

You might have noticed as I was describing my recent incident of self-criticism that my criticism and my response to the criticism seems to have merged together, and it is not easy to tell at what point “providing criticism” and “responding to criticism” is actually taking place. Therefore, it is a good idea, as we think about these issues to spend some time reviewing the lesson I presented earlier about responding to criticism (see HERE).

As I recall what happened the last time I was out on the golf course, I’m going to say that I initially responded at level 3, but then quickly recovered and then responded at level 5.

Another Example

Our next example of self-criticism is from the comic strip of Calvin and Hobbes by the brilliant Bill Watterson. Calvin’s stuffed tiger, Hobbes, is criticizing Calvin’s remark about his summer vacation coming to an end. We understand, of course, that what Hobbes says to Calvin is, in actuality, what Calvin is saying to himself. After Hobbes criticizes Calvin’s remark (“Oh come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were.”) Calvin responds. Please study his response, and then see if you can rate what level of maturity it is at.

My answer: Hobbes has criticized Calvin for exaggerating about how awful life will be now that summer vacation is over since he often complained of being bored. “I did?” he responds. It seems to me that Calvin is really asking this of himself. He then curls his pointer finger and puts it on his lip. This is a classic pose indicating deep thought. While he is doing this, he says to himself, “How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.” In the next scene, we see Calvin imagining the type of fun he had had over the summer. It depicts Calvin and Hobbes watching TV with the sound blasting, eating Sugar Bombs, with Calvin’s eyes in a delirious, hypnotized stare.

I’m leaning toward giving Calvin a level 4 rating because he is showing me that he is giving some real thought to the criticism, and I like his apparent sense of humor as he imagines in an almost burlesque type of way his wasting all of his time over the summer.

Now, I understand that some might look at this image of Calvin wasting his summer in front of a TV and think he is mocking his choice of summer activities, thus insulting himself. When people use humor while responding to criticism, it can be taken as an insult, or as a good-natured way to smooth over some rough parts of the processing that goes along with criticism. Only Calvin, in this scenario, would be able to say if he felt it as an insult, or as something comical.

Let’s Try Another One

Here’s a young teenager who provides self-criticism at a pretty obvious level 2.

Here, the young lady kinda tells herself what her criticism is about–She recalls missing an important basketball shot and she declares that she let her team down. But she doesn’t say how she can begin to improve the situation. Instead, she begins to insult herself.

What if she had handled the situation a little differently:

Notice I blackened out what level I think this self-criticism is at. That’s because I would like you to decide if this is a more mature level or not.

There’s Some Controversy About this Example

Some of my students argue that the example in which the girl insults herself should be given a higher rating then the second example. Here’s their reason. If you insult yourself, they claim, it will more likely prod you into doing something constructive than if you ignore it. Therefore it should be viewed as at least as high a level as the example in which the girl decides to take some time to calm down before deciding what next steps she might take.

Here are two quick explanations for why insulting yourself deserves a lower rating than the taking some time to calm down approach. First, just because someone takes some time out to calm down doesn’t mean they will forget what happened. It is possible that their efforts to take some time to calm down will lead to calming down sooner than throwing insults at themselves, and within that calmness a more reasoned approach may come about.

Second, theoretically those people who get into the habit of insulting themselves when they criticize themselves are at an increased risk of insulting someone else who criticizes them. This is oftentimes not a good thing because when people are insulted it increases the likelihood they will do something that is harmful to the insulter. It is, therefore, a good idea to practice not insulting yourself when you criticize yourself because that practice will make it easier to avoid criticizing others when they criticize you.

Well, there’s your lesson for today. It was designed to begin the process of thinking about the most mature way to criticize yourself. I will have a lot more to say about this in future posts.

For those of you who seek to become masters at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, here’s an important exercise to do over the next week. Put aside three five-minute periods to do the following:

Think about the last time you criticized yourself. Recall what led to the criticism and how you felt. Spend a full minute just observing the feelings that come up as you recall the incident. Then write down what you said to yourself as you provided the criticism. Finally, write down what you think would have been a maturer way to handle that situation.

Thanks for visiting this week, and I hope you come back soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, displeasure, emotional intelligence, insults, maturity, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 19, 2013
2 Comments on PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

In last week’s post, I presented a lesson on responding to negative criticism that utilized a Luann comic strip. It was so popular that I decided to once again have Luann help us out; but this time, rather than focusing on the most mature ways to respond to negative criticism, let’s focus on the most mature ways to provide negative criticism. For those of you who are new to this blog, you may want to first review a couple of my earlier posts that introduce some key ideas (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY and PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: DEFENDING THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

First Example

Let’s begin by first taking another look at the same Luann comic that we used last week.

Last week we mentioned that in the above comic Luann appears to have become a little defensive at Bernice’s criticism. We went on from there to answer the question, “What could Luann do differently to better match a more mature response?”

Now, if you will, think about Bernice’s style of providing negative criticism to Luann. Is there anything that she could have done differently that would have led you to think she is more mature than how she comes across in the comic strip?

My Answer

Here’s my approach to answering this question. For the most part, Bernice’s actions seem to me to best match the level 4 description—The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning insults, threats, or shouts.

The first time Bernice speaks, she provides the same negative criticism to Luann that Luann had provided to herself—“You should drop 10 pounds and grow your bust line.” This can seem insulting, but Bernice was invited by Luann to give her an opinion and I’m not sure Bernice means it as an insult.

Nevertheless, Luann does become a little defensive as a result of Bernice’s comment, leaning over and with her mouth depicted as open wide, she appears to be shouting. If Bernice was to earn full credit for being at level 4, she would show some empathy at this point.

What exactly would “show some empathy” look like in this situation? There are a number of styles for this, but here’s one approach for your consideration.

“Luann,” says Bernice, “I know you agreed to wear this outfit in front of a lot of people and you’re worried about how you’re going to look. Are you OK?”

Then, Bernice listens in a caring manner without interrupting Luann. Once Luann clearly finishes what she has to say, Bernice summarizes Luann’s comments. Then she says, “Luann, regardless of whether you decide to wear this costume or not, I, for one, am going to still like you. I consider you my dearest friend.”

If Bernice would have responded in this manner, I think Luann would have very much appreciated it.

Overall, I think that Bernice, in the comic, does not intend to insult her friend but instead intends to provide her some honest feedback. Although level 4 does not quite match all that I observed in Bernice’s style of providing criticism, it is a better match than level 3 which requires an obvious attempt at providing an insult.

In rating Bernice’s style of providing criticism to Luann, I gave Bernice 4 points because her actions best matched the level 4 description. I then subtracted .2 because of her lack of empathy, and her final response about the skimpy outfit had her coming off as slightly insulting. Thus I gave Bernice’s style of providing criticism a 3.8.

Now, this type of rating system, it is important to note, is designed for those people who are providing negative criticism because they hope to encourage some improvement. In the above comic, it seems to me that the improvement that Bernice is pulling for is to get Luann to change her mind about wearing the demeaning costume. But, perhaps I’m wrong. There are other reasons why people provide negative criticism besides seeking to encourage some improvement.

In my post, INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE, I provide readers a list of eight major reasons why people provide negative criticism. In the above comic strip, rather than trying to encourage Luann to make some improvement, Bernice may, instead, have been feeling jealous. After all, Luann had been asked to wear the costume by someone who is going to put on a big Zeye promotion. Nobody asks Bernice to wear the costume.

If jealousy was the motivation for Bernice’s negative criticism, then my advice to her would be different than if I thought she was motivated to help Luann to make some improvement. I think I would have suggested that she consider waiting at least a week before providing any negative criticism, thus giving her some time to find a way to sail out of the stormy region of anger on the great sea of conflict.

Second Example

Let’s continue with Luann’s costume story. Despite Bernice’s comments, Luann decides to go ahead and wear the Zeye outfit at one of the stores in the local mall to promote Zeye Games. Tiffany arrives at the promotion with this cute guy, Quill. Tiffany and Luann are both very much attracted to him. In the comic below, you’ll notice that Tiffany begins to provide some negative criticism to Luann. What rating do you think she deserves?

My Answer

When I first read the comic I thought Tiffany’s actions best matched the level 3 description— The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The comments Tiffany makes to Luann in front of Quill, are obviously designed to be insulting. For example, when Tiffany says, “…I’ve grown past wearing cheesy outfits,” her clear intent is to indicate that she thinks Luann is not as mature as she.

Tiffany’s comments are even more insulting because she is saying it in front of Quill.

As I mentioned above, those of us who had been following the Luann comic strip during the period of time these particular comics appeared, learned that Quill has shown some interest in Luann, and Tiffany is jealous. As I interpret Tiffany’s negative criticism of Luann, it is not really about the cheesy outfit and how Luann looks in it—it’s about her jealousy.

But, for educational reasons, let’s say Tiffany, in this situation really did want to provide some helpful negative criticism to Luann. What actions would Tiffany have had to carry out under this set of circumstances in order for her to match the highest level of maturity–level 5?

5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

To match this level of maturity, Tiffany, as she begins to feel the desire to provide negative criticism with the intention to encourage improvement, she would start to consider situational and personal variables that are present. In doing so, she would realize that to negatively criticize Luann in front of Quill could very likely come off as immature, especially if Quill is mature enough to recognize what is obvious to most of the readers of the Luann comic. She would have had to say to herself, “If I put down Luann in front of Quill, there’s a good chance Quill will see that I’m being mean and that I’m the type of person who does mean things when I get jealous. If I really think Luann would be better off not wearing the Zeye costume and I really cared about her, I’d ask to speak to her about this in private.”

Third Example

Let’s try one more for now. Please see what level of providing criticism best matches Quill’s effort to provide Luann a singing tip.

My Answer

Quill begins his negative criticism with some positive criticism. I like that. Before providing his negative criticism, he first asks Luann if he can give her a tip. Nice! After Luann agrees to hear it, Quill gives her very specific instructions that can really make a difference if she desires to utilize it. Although some people are nearby, Quill appears to be presenting his criticism far enough away from the others so he and Luann have some privacy. I think level 5 is the best match.

Well, that’s our Name Calling, Insults and Teasing lesson for today. Have a great week.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, insults, jealousy, Luann comics, negative criticism, providing criticism: levels of maturity, wisdom

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 12, 2013
1 Comment on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism. Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others. I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training. They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions. This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned. I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one. Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look. Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism. Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship. But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you? I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach. Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic. After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism. I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say. I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four. It is described as follows:

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive. I can certainly understand why she has become defensive. Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice. One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind. Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit. Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann. In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.” I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a few moments.” Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is. Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit. She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame of the comic:

Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes. In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive. But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice. She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern. I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public. To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning. These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes. The outfits are called niqabs and burkas. I think they are demeaning to women. When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis. When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK. So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more. It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice. What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought. By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann. In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations. There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature. My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right! There’s your lesson for today. From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, Luann comics, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism

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DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 20, 2013
4 Comments on DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, to get us to think more deeply about dealing with insults, let’s discuss for few minutes what Jackie Robinson went through when he became the first black major leaguer.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

A few years ago, the movie, “42” came out.

The film beautifully develops the relationship between Reese and Robinson. At first, most of Robinson’s teammates reject him. “I’m not playing with any niggers!” cries one teammate. “If we let him play, pretty soon the team owners will be bringing up more of them, and they’ll be all taking our jobs!”

“But,” says Pee Wee Reese, “we always knew that if the owners could find someone who could do our jobs better than us then we’d be sent down to the minors. We always accepted that as fair when it was white guys who might take our jobs. Why is it any different just because of the color of a guy’s skin?”

“It just is,” came the reply, but with a voice a little less self-assured.

In time, Robinson’s approach to dealing with insults on the field acquired for him more and more sympathy. Of course there were times when the insults began to get to Robinson, but he would seek to deal with his anguish either in private, with Branch Rickey, or with his lovely wife. On the field he was all about showing what he could do, and it was sometimes disappointing and sometimes magnificent. There are always heroes in baseball, and Robinson glistened in that role on more than a few occasions.

Perhaps the finest moments in the movie come about just after we meet a father and son sitting in the seats of a Brooklyn Dodger game. When Pee Wee Reese is announced as the captain of the Dodgers, the fans in the seats, including this father and son duo, begin to cheer. The boy, a bit of a pee wee himself, tells his father that Reese is his favorite, all-time greatest player ever!

Then Jackie Robinson’s name is called, and he jogs on to the field with some supportive cries, but many, many insulting cries as well.

We then see a close-up of the father and son. The father cries out, “Get off the field you lousy nigger.” Others in the crowd cry out similar sentiments. And before long, the father’s son begins to shout, “Get off the field you lousy nigger!”

But it is at this moment, Reese, who was fielding ground balls at shortstop, pauses, then trots over to Robinson at first base. “How’s it going?” Reese says to Robinson, with a friendly smile.

We see the young boy in the stands, watching on, looking confused, as Reese continues to shoot the breeze in a friendly exchange with Robinson. When a wave of insults for Robinson comes from a portion of the stands, Reese puts his arm around Robinson, and continues to chat with him, smiling, patting him on the shoulder.

Then the umpire calls out to Reese, “This isn’t a social club, let’s play ball.” Reese again pats Robinson on his back, and then trots back to his position at shortstop.

Once again, we see the young boy, and he has now stopped calling Robinson insulting names.

And we see that soon afterwards most of his teammates begin to change their minds and to treat Robinson like a fellow human being.

In my recent blog posts, I’ve been discussing the ABCs of Power (see for example, (The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”). In the movie, “42”, we don’t see how Robinson worked to employ the very first source of power on The ABCs of Power list–Advancing skill. But there is no doubt that Robinson worked for years on becoming the star athlete that he became.

His skill at projecting the highest levels of maturity when criticized enormously increased the respect that he garnered during his day to day performance. History teaches us that it was Robinson’s use of these skills that secured for him the source of power known as Coalition, as he united with Branch Rickey, Pee Wee Reese, and ultimately, with his many fans, that turned a dream into a magnificent achievement.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 13, 2013
2 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

For the past few weeks I have been discussing personal power. Power is the skill to achieve your desires. To help people to come up with plans to achieve their desires, we have been constructing a list, in alphabetical order, of sources of power. We are calling this list the ABCs of Power. So far, the list looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

Each of these sources of power do not instantly provide us with a plan that is specific enough to achieve our desires. Rather, when we feel stuck in coming up with a specific plan, these sources of power can guide us along a path that leads us to discover a specific plan.

As I have already mentioned, the best way to learn how to use the sources of power is to look at a variety of examples of people using the ABCs of Power. To that end, we have recently looked at an example of someone who had a desire to feel less lonely, and found utilizing the sources of power led to a plan that successfully achieved his desire. We also looked at an example of someone who was being bullied when he went for a drink at a water fountain.

Today we will look at a fresh new example.

Eugene and Doreen (Illustrations by Eric Sailer)

Eugene and Doreen recently divorced after ten years of marriage. They have three children. Doreen takes care of them during weekdays, and then, according to a legal agreement, she is to bring them on Saturday morning at 10 to Eugene’s house. Eugene is supposed to return them by eight PM on Sunday evening. Over the past two months, Eugene was late in returning the children to Doreen’s house on three different occasions. After the first time that Eugene was late, Doreen said nothing. “Better to keep things cool for the sake of the kids,” she thought. After the second time, she still kept quiet, but inside she was fuming. On the third occasion, Doreen blew up at Eugene as he was retuning the kids.

“How dare you bring the kids back an hour late? Can’t you tell time? You’re always late. It’s just like you!”

“You dropped them off late in the first place!” he yells back. “You can’t take my time with the kids and then not expect me to bring them back late. I already see them way less than you!”

“The kind of father you’ve been to the kids you shouldn’t get to see them at all!”

The two end up storming away from each other, leaving the children distressed.

Eugene recognizes that this conflict is not good for the kids, and it’s not doing him a whole lot of good either. But he has been unable to come up with a resolution that he likes. Even by focusing first on the desire component of the conflict and then on the interference component, he has met with absolutely no success. His mind keeps thinking about all of the wrongs that he believes Doreen has done during their relationship, and he ends up obsessing on all of these wrongs. Now he decides to spend some time focusing on the guilt component, which is kind of what he has been doing when he spends time obsessing over these wrongs. However, when he decides to focus on the guilt component, he understands he is to do this in a very specific manner.

To focus on this component, like focusing on any of the other two components, he must first use the DIG pattern to describe the conflict. The letters in the word DIG remind him to describe first the desire, then the interference, and then the guilt. He says to himself, “I desire to have a full weekend with the kids, and interfering with this, Doreen has been regularly bringing them to me on Saturday morning over an hour late. I believe she is guilty of being wrong for being angry when I bring them back on Sunday at a time that makes up for her lateness.”

After describing the conflict from his perspective, Eugene tries to describe it, as best he can, from Doreen’s perspective. “Doreen,” he says to himself, “desires that I always bring the kids back at 8 PM Sunday evening, but interfering with this, she perceives that there are times when I will bring them back late. She believes I am guilty of being wrong for bringing the kids back late even when she has been late dropping them off on Saturday.”

As he comes up with this description, Eugene realizes that Doreen has other unresolved conflicts with him that involve her angry memories about mistakes he has made in the past, and he has additional unresolved conflicts with her. By using the DIG pattern of describing his conflict, he has come to better understand this. He had seen all the other conflicts with her as all one big amorphous conflict. This made it much harder to figure out any reasonable resolution. He now realizes that perhaps it will be much better if he focuses just on one conflict at a time, a conflict that can be clearly stated.

“Now, not only am I going to just focus on this one conflict, but I’m also going to just focus on the guilt component of the conflict. This requires that I ask myself the following question— Can I do something so that the guilt part of the conflict will be reduced or eliminated?”

As Eugene ponders this question, he finds himself saying, “What can I do so that I don’t view Doreen as guilty of being wrong in this situation, and what can I do to convince Doreen that I am not guilty of being wrong?” Suddenly, Eugene remembers that the issue Doreen felt he was most guilty of throughout their marriage was that he didn’t listen to her. “Whatever I do to resolve this conflict, it would be best if Doreen ends up feeling that I really listened to her. Otherwise she will remain so angry that she will refuse to do anything to resolve the conflict.”

As Eugene crafts his plan, he realizes that when he calls her to discuss this issue, she will view it as a situation in which he is providing criticism to her. “I better review the providing criticism level 5 description. And at some point in our conversation, Doreen will be criticizing me. To prepare for our conversation, I better review the level 5 description for responding to criticism.”

After studying those two descriptions, he starts to imagine different ways he can respond to Doreen so that she clearly feels he is listening to her and that he is using skills consistent with the highest levels of maturity. Some of the comments he imagines Doreen will make anger him so much that he has to spend a few days utilizing the anger techniques that we discussed earlier. Finally, he believes he has come up with a plan that’s worth a try.

RING!

“Hello,” says Doreen answering her phone.

“Hello Doreen, it’s me, Eugene.” He had to practice making sure he could say this without bitterness in his voice.

“What do you want, Eugene?”

“First, I want to say I’m sorry about how I spoke to you in front of the children last Sunday. I know that wasn’t helpful at all. I would like to get together with you sometime this week without the kids around so that we can discuss how we can better deal with the lateness problem we’ve been having.”

“Is that Daddy?” their daughter asks Doreen. Eugene can hear this on his end of the phone line.

“Yes,” answers Doreen. “Now be quiet. I’m trying to talk.”

“I hear the kids are in the room,” says Eugene. “Let’s set up a time when we can talk without the kids overhearing us. I don’t think it’s good for them to hear us quarreling.”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about!” says Doreen sharply. “Just bring the kids back when you’re supposed to. I can’t believe you have the nerve to complain about my being a little late on a few occasions when you didn’t even show up half the time for the kids’ big events when we were married. There was Judy’s play, Mark’s little league games, I can go on and on.”

This is extremely hard for Eugene to hear, especially because he knows the kids are in earshot. But he has prepared himself well, and he manages to keep listening to Doreen without interrupting. When he is sure she has finished with all that she wants to say, he summarizes her key points, agrees that there is much merit in what she has to say, and then he adds, “You are right that I was far from an ideal dad in the past. I’m sorry that I disappointed you, myself, and most of all, the kids. I really do want to try to do better. That’s why I’m asking you to meet without the kids to discuss our latest problem. Please tell me a good time for us to do this.”

“I think it’s a waste of time, but how about next Sunday, when you bring the kids back. I’ll have my mom here to watch the kids and we can go for a walk. Is that okay?”

“Thank you, Doreen. I’ll see you then.”

That Sunday, Eugene returns the kids a few minutes early in an effort to make certain he would not be late.

“Thank you for setting this up with your mom,” Eugene says in a pleasant tone as he and Doreen begin their walk. He is making an effort to start their conversation on a positive note. “I know how busy you are.”

“A full time job and raising kids is pretty exhausting,” she replies sounding a bit harried.

“Yes it is, Doreen.”

Doreen then launches into her outrage that Eugene has the nerve to make a big thing about her coming late a few times. “If you bring them home late, it messes up our whole routine and the kids don’t get the sleep they need, and the next day at school they’re wild.”

“I can see your argument is a good one, Doreen. If you bring the kids to me late on Saturday morning it’s just me that loses out. If I bring the kids home late on Sunday, not only are you put out, but the kids get messed up too. What I did without discussing it with you clearly isn’t an acceptable solution to my problem. I should have discussed this with you first. I know I was wrong and I apologize.”

“Well I’m glad you understand,” Doreen replies, her tone beginning to sound a little less angry.

“I do treasure my time with the kids, Doreen. Is there anything you can come up with that you think would be fair when you come late on Saturday morning?”

Doreen again goes into how often he was late in the past. “If I’m late a few times it serves you right for how many times you were late in the past!” she concludes.

As Doreen speaks, Eugene makes sure he does not interrupt her and that he makes it clear he is listening and trying to see the merits and legitimacy in her point of view. He attempts to communicate his understanding of her viewpoint by checking his understanding every few minutes. This involves summarizing what he has heard her say and then pausing to see if she is satisfied with his summary.

As he listens to her list of criticisms, he is tempted to say that she deserves to be punished for all the things she’s done wrong, but he realizes that providing negative criticism to her now would not be a productive approach. Doreen would start to go down her list of all the things he did wrong in the past once again, which he is already well aware of. He could then go down all the things she has done wrong over the years, something he’s already done with her on numerous occasions. In the end, they would end up getting nowhere on the conflict he came to discuss.

“Doreen, I understand why you feel I should be punished for the many mistakes I made over the years. In my mind, I am being punished for them. For example, you got the house, and you know how much I love that place. And I only get to see the children two days a week. Going through the divorce was hard on both of us. Please suggest another way we can work out this lateness problem.”

“Don’t you understand, bringing them back late on Sunday is out of the question.”

“I understand that, Doreen. Can we make up the time some other way?”

“Well, how about this? If you feel I’m dropping them off too late on Saturday morning, tell me and we’ll figure out together when you can make up the time. The kids have some Monday’s off from school every now and then, like Presidents day. Maybe you can make up the time on a Sunday when there’s no school on Monday.”

“I like that idea, Doreen. So, when I feel that I want to make up some lost time I should contact you and arrange a time to make up the time.”

After this issue is agreed upon, Doreen talks a little more about some difficulties she’s having with the kids of late, and Eugene uses his best listening skills. As they return to the house, Eugene again thanks Doreen for agreeing to discuss this problem.

Afterwards, Doreen is much less likely to bring the kids late on Saturday mornings, and when she is late, it’s just a few minutes. Eugene never bothers to ask to make up the time, for it really hasn’t amounted to anything significant. He too, on occasion, has brought the kids back a little late but Doreen understands that this will happen from time to time. Both he and Doreen are pleased with how this conflict had been resolved.

Notice that Eugene, upon focusing on the guilt component of the conflict, came to realize that Doreen not only thought he was wrong for bringing the kids home late on Sunday evening, but also about not listening to her whenever she spoke to him. By improving his listening skills and by apologizing for his mistakes in the past, including bringing the kids home late on a Sunday evening, this helped to reduce the intensity of the conflict. Once this occurred, Doreen became more open to working out a resolution with which both parties felt comfortable.

In sum, the source of power that we have been discussing encourages you to break down the conflict into its three conditions, then to come up with an idea to make a change in just one of them, and then to see if the change might lead to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.

To be an effective source of power, we found that it must be coordinated with the other skills we learned. For example, utilizing the knowledge about the Responding to Criticism Rating System and the Providing Negative Criticism Rating System helped Eugene resolve his conflict with Doreen.

The source of power that has you breaking down a conflict into its three conditions, like all sources of power, cannot immediately provide a specific plan that will resolve a conflict. Nevertheless, when you are having difficulty resolving a conflict, the perspective that occurs when you focus on just one of the three conditions will often help you to create a valuable plan that might have otherwise been overlooked.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags ABCs of Power, anger, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, guilt, insults, maturity levels, negative criticism, parenting, sources of power, wisdom

ABCs of Personal Power coalitions conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum guilt insults interpersonal conflicts Name calling teasing wisdom

SOME EXAMPLES OF UTILIZING THE ABCs OF POWER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 7, 2013
No Comments on SOME EXAMPLES OF UTILIZING THE ABCs OF POWER

On this blog, for the past three weeks I have been discussing the nature of personal power.

I’ve also been constructing a list, in alphabetical order, of the main sources of power. So far, the list looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

When the list is completed, there will be sources of power all the way up to the letter “F.” But before we expand the list to include these other three sources of power, let’s take a little time to look at some examples of individuals who use just the first three sources of power. This will allow readers to become more familiar with how this list can become helpful in a variety of situations.

First Example

It’s summer, and Tommy, a thirteen year old Brooklyn boy, loves to play basketball at the nearby school yard. It’s a pretty big school yard, and he and his friends play pick-up games at one end, while the older kids play pick-up games at the other end. Near where the big guys play is the water fountain.

In summer, after a game, Tommy needs a good drink of water. But lately, some of the big kids at school who have bullied him have been playing in the big kids’ game.

The last time Tommy tried to get a drink of water after a game, the bullies really gave him a hard time. That was yesterday. Now Tommy wants to go play basketball, but he doesn’t know what to do about the water fountain problem. All last night he imagined he was Superman and he beat-up the bullies using his super powers.

But that really didn’t solve the problem. ” What should I really do about this?” he asks himself.

He remembers that his counselor at school gave him a list of the sources of power and taught him how to use it. He goes and gets the list.

The first item on the list says A=Advancing Skill. “Hmmm,” he says to himself, “can I learn some skills to take care of these bullies? The only thing I can think of is to learn Karate, but it would take years for me to get good enough to get the bullies to leave me alone. Let me look at the next thing on the list. It says, B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt.

“To use this source of power,”says Tommy, “I have to first describe my conflict using the word DIG to remind myself to dig for the conflict by first describing my desire, then what is interfering with my desire, and then the guilt. Okay, that’s pretty easy. I desire to get a drink after each basketball game. Interfering with this is some of the big kids by the fountain who like to pick on me. I think those big kids picking on me are guilty of being bullies.

“Now that I broke the conflict into the three parts, let me see if I can change just one part to make things better. The first part is my desire. How can I get my desire for a drink after a game despite those kids at the fountain?”

After thinking about this for a while, he converts this source of power into a plan. “I’ll bring some water from home.”

Tommy goes down to the schoolyard with his school backpack carrying a couple of bottles of water and his basketball. He now has all the water he needs between games.

By staying away from the big kids who like to pick on him, he finds that he has no more trouble with them.

Example Discussion

The list of the “ABCs of Power,” gets you to start thinking about finding some realistic solutions. Once Tommy began to think about what he could do to achieve his desire despite what was interfering with this desire, the problem became simpler to manage.

It’s important to keep in mind that if you can’t come up with a plan by yourself, you can utilize the third source of power on the “ABCs of Power” list–COALITIONS. What I mean by this is when using the ABCs of Power, it is often helpful to get together a coalition of some people whom you respect and together you can go down the list while trying to come up with a plan.

Second Example

Charlie Brown is the Manager of his baseball team.

This year, he is not satisfied with trying to fire-up his team with a spirited speech about spirit. He knows most of his players have not been playing as well as he would like.

Although he tries his best, he gets one criticism after another.

Let’s say that Charlie Brown has been learning to use the “ABCs of Power” list, and he begins to wonder how he can use it to achieve his desire to become a better manager. He takes a look at the list and sees that the first item on the list is–

A=Advancing Skill

“Hmmm,” he says to himself, “how can I learn some skills to be a better manager?”

This question helps him to come up with a plan. First, he goes on the internet, puts into his search engine–“learning to become a better baseball manager.” From this, he tracks down relevant material written by experts on how to run a baseball team.

One of the strategies that is recommended is to watch a local college baseball team practice to see how its coach runs the team.

When Charlie Brown goes to a college baseball team practice, he is struck by how there is so little standing around by the other players when the coach is working with a few of the players. All the other players have some assignment to work on their own skills while they wait for the coach to direct his attention to them.

Hmmm, Charlie Brown thinks to himself, when I hit ground balls to my infielders, I have my outfielders stand in the outfield watching. Then, after I finish hitting some ground balls, I then hit some fly balls to the outfielders, while the infielders just stand in the infield taking some throws back to me so I can hit another fly ball. Too much time is wasted by carrying out a practice like this.

Charlie Brown, after watching this college practice, instructs his outfielders that whenever he’s working with his infielders, they are to play a special game in the outfield that is designed to help them work on their skills. The left fielder is to throw a fly ball to the center fielder, who then throws a fly ball to the right fielder. The right fielder, after catching the fly ball, tries to fire the ball back to the center fielder as if he is trying to throw out a runner on second, and then the center fielder is to fire the ball back to the left fielder as if he is trying to throw out a runner heading home.

Charlie Brown also gives other players who are not out on the field, different games to play that are designed to practice one skill or another. He urges everyone to use all of the time they are at practice to work on a skill and to never just stand around. In this way, his team begins to get three times as much practice advancing their skills in the same practice period then before Charlie Brown went to watch the college coach. His players begin to say that they are enjoying practice far more under the new set of practice rules, and soon this pays off in the amount of games that they begin to win.

Example Discussion

We see here an example of how the “ABCs of Power” list can help someone to better achieve a desire. Charlie Brown could have become all caught up in a net of excuses for why his team always complains about him and why they never win a game. But the sources of power list helps to redirect him to focus on some ways to come up with a practical plan.

In addition to focusing on the item on the list called, “Advancing skills,” Charlie Brown could have joined that source of power with the source of power known as “Coalitions.” This might have helped him to come up with a different type of plan. For example, he might have thought about organizing a fundraiser with each of his players offering to do some special chores around their family’s house, like washing the car. The goal would be that each player earns five dollars. By pooling the money, which might amount to $50.00, Charlie might persuade the college coach to help him identify someone he knows who is in training to become a baseball coach. With a little financial incentive, an aspiring coach might come to one of Charlie Brown’s baseball practices. The team could then learn how a person who is a grown-up with specialized skills in running a baseball team runs a practice session.

Learning to use the “ABCs of Power” list for a wide range of conflicts requires that people see quite a few examples of others using the list. Today’s lesson was designed to begin providing those necessary examples. Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags ABCs of Power, anger, brooklyn boy, bullies, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, insults, psychological maturity, sources of power, wisdom