Category: conflict management

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GIVING SOMEONE THE COLD SHOULDER: WISE OR FOOLISH?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we begin with a Blondie comic:

Blondie cold shoulder 3

In the above scenario, as Dagwood gets into bed, rather than greet him with warm, open arms, Blondie has turned her back to him.  Because she has become angry with him, all that Dagwood is going to get from Blondie on this night is Blondie’s cold shoulder.

What Does it Mean to Give Someone the Cold Shoulder?

When we are in a relationship, if someone does something that results in arousing our anger, we often seek to punish the person whom we believe to be the source of our anger.  One way to do this is to act in a manner that is typically referred to as “giving him the cold shoulder.”  Of course it is not just women who give guys the cold shoulder; guys do it to their spouse perhaps just as much as women.

man with cold shoulderAlthough when I think of someone giving the cold shoulder to someone, the image that typically comes to my mind is two people in a marriage relationship, but the fact is that a friend can do it to a friend as well.

cold shoulder with 2 womenAccording to Wikipedia, “the phrase “cold shoulder”  has been used as a description of aloofness and disdain,[1] a contemptuous look over one’s shoulder,[4] and even in the context of a woman attempting to decline the advances of an aggressive man.[6] Overall, it remains widely popular as a phrase for describing the act of ignoring someone or something, or giving an unfriendly response.[5] “

Is the “Cold Shoulder” Technique Good or Bad?

I have had discussions with people who use this type of punishment and many of them are just fine with it.  They report that whenever they use this approach, almost always, after awhile, the argument somehow gets worked out and their relationship, overall, has been wonderful.  And they say that they know people who have had a valued relationship lasting a lifetime despite one or both parties in the relationship using the cold shoulder from time to time.

Although I agree that there are certainly worse ways to deal with disagreements than giving the person you are angry with the cold shoulder, nevertheless, I believe there is a much better alternative.

dagwood needs a momentNotice that in the above comic when Dagwood becomes angry with Blondie, instead of giving her the cold shoulder, he lovingly says, “Please, Honey, I need a moment…”

Regular readers of this blog know that I have long advocated that when you see yourself becoming angry, it is wise to provide the other person in your relationship a time out signal that you have worked out when both of you were in a pleasant mood (see ANGER, STRESS AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK OFF TECHNIQUE). This postpones any deep problem solving until you give yourself some time to calm down.

dagwood needs a momentIn the Blondie comic that we just looked at, Dagwood’s signal is “Please, Honey, I need a moment…”  Notice that he includes in his signal a sweet nickname for her.  This can be very helpful. By learning to express your signal in a loving way, it decreases the likelihood that the problem will turn into a more heated problem that will be harder to solve in the future.

Also notice that Dagwood, in this example, says he needs a moment.  Sometimes we need more than a moment.  There is nothing wrong with taking even a week to calm down and to figure out how to best handle the problem you are experiencing.  However, if you do think that it will take you more than 24 hours, I agree with the position that Thich Nhat Hanh takes in his beautiful book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Before the 24 hours are up, do your best to tell the other person why you think you are angry in a loving manner if it is a family member, or a friendly manner with others.  Hanh writes, “Try your best to say it peacefully.  There may be some sadness in your voice, that’s fine.  Just don’t say something to punish or to blame.”

Blondie cold shoulder 3At the beginning of this post I presented a comic in which Blondie makes it clear to Dagwood that she has no intention of telling him why she is angry.  I think that keeping it a secret about why you are angry is simply not fair.  And when you do something that strikes the other party as unfair, you now have created an extra reason to fuel the anger in the relationship.

If you agree with me that within 24 hours it is only fair to share in a loving or friendly way a little description of what you are experiencing, at the point that you provide your description there is no need to try to solve the problem.  But Hanh and I both agree that you owe it to the person who is in a relationship with you to at least give him or her some explanation for what is going on within you.  If you find that you don’t think you can say the words of this communication using a loving or friendly tone, at least try to write a brief note indicating a little of what you have been experiencing.

To help you to make the best use of the time that you are seeking to calm down and to problem solve, I hope you will read the two of the posts in which I discuss this process–Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 1 and Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 2.

Hanh aptly summarizes this process when he wrote:

When we are angry, we have to go back to ourselves and take good care of our anger.  We cannot say, “Go away anger, you have to go away. I don’t want you.” When you have a stomachache, you don’t say, “I don’t want you, stomach, go away.” No, you take care of it.  In the same way, we have to embrace and take good care of our anger.  We recognize it as it is, embrace it, and smile…

Our practice is based on the insight of non-duality.  Both our negative feelings and positive feelings are organic and belong to the same reality.  So there is no need to fight; we only need to embrace and take care…. You may think that you have to combat evil and chase it out of your heart and mind.  But this is wrong.  The practice is to transform yourself.  If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost.  And if you don’t have compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you.  You need the suffering, the affliction in you.  Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them.

Well, that’s my post for today.  I hope you find within it some food for thought.  And please feel free to provide comments or ask questions by typing in the Leave a Reply box at the very bottom of this page.

Have a wonderful week!

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO INSULTS BY IGNORING

If you have been following this blog, you know that I have often discussed different ways to respond to insults.

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

For example, some people respond to negative criticism that is designed to be constructive as if it was an insult.  They then become angry, defensive and end up storming away.  In a post titled CRITICISM AND WISDOM, I encouraged people who respond in this way to this type of criticism to learn to change their attitude. I explained that this type of criticism does not have to be viewed as an insult, but rather, as something potentially helpful and something that can lead toward wisdom.  Rather than becoming defensive, we can learn to welcome this type of criticism and even encourage the criticizer to feel free to provide additional criticism in the future.  This takes practice, but it can be achieved.

Sometimes people begin to throw insults at you because they are angry about a conflict they have with you.  In this type of situation, rather than to respond to the insults by becoming defensive and returning the insults, I advocated in an earlier post learning a plan to DIG FOR THE CONFLICT in a friendly, assertive manner.

More recently, I mentioned that in certain types of situations RESPONDING TO INSULTS WITH QUIET SADNESS can be helpful.  This type of response is most helpful when the insults are being provided because the insulter is in a stressed-out mood about something that has nothing to do with you, or because the insulter is jealous of you.

When I engage in discussions about the above types of responses, people sometimes ask me what I think about just ignoring an insult.

luann insultIn the above Luann comic strip, Delta tries to get Luann to consider ignoring Tiffany.  I wonder if it would be better to ignore her insult but not ignore Tiffany.

This ignoring insults strategy has been with us for a long time.  I remember a principal many years ago advocating that kids should learn to ignore insults because tossing insults at someone is a lot like a game of tennis.  tennis serveThat is, in tennis, if Ron serves a ball to you, if you refuse to hit the ball back, Ron will quickly become bored and find someone else to play with.  Similarly, if Ron throws an insult at you, if you ignore it, rather than throw the insult back, Ron will soon become bored and leave you alone.

There are times when I have used the ignoring approach fairly successfully.  I remember a time when I was about 12-years old.  I  was  passing three guys who were hanging out on a street corner.  They appeared to be around 18.  When they started insulting me, I ignored it and just kept walking.  They let me pass with just one more insult.  It was all over in a matter of seconds and no physical harm had occurred to me.  And so, the ignoring strategy worked pretty well.

However, when I got home, my imagination took flight.  I wondered  if my sense of being a “true” man had gotten roughed up just a bit.  supermanMaybe, I thought, if I really had guts, I should have told those guys a thing or two even at the risk of being beaten to a bloody pulp.  Then I imagined being Superman, and I used my super powers to beat all three of them up.

But now that I’m quite a bit older and I have a far more secure sense of my manhood, I think that under the circumstances that I found myself as a 12-year old, my actions were indeed reasonable.  I’ve learned over the years that nothing I could have done differently would have been really likely to have had any real positive impact on those three guys.

To create real change with boys like that requires an intervention that a typical 12-year old could hardly be expected to create.  martin luther kingIt would have to involve, for example, someone the older boys genuinely respect, or creating a coalition of citizens working together to take the type of nonviolent actions that was used to put a stop to the disrespectful treatment of blacks during the civil rights demonstrations of the 1960s.

For young children and those individuals who have trouble learning words, the great benefit of the ignoring approach is that it is perhaps the easiest strategy to learn.  Not even a single word is required, and it indeed can often produce better results then returning insults with insults.

word powerClose cousins to the ignoring approach, is to learn to use a particular word or phrase in response to the first insult followed by ignoring any following insults.  The most popular of course is “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”  Others are:

“So.”

“Good one.”

“Nice try.”

“I’m not going there.”

This “word or phrase approach” can give the person using it the experience of doing something to stick up for oneself.  The word or phrase is meant to convey to the insulter that you recognize the game that the insulter is trying to play, and you are smart enough to know how to refuse to play it if that’s what you wish to do.  There is a sense of empowerment that comes with being involved in a choice and taking some outward action to exercise your choice.  ignoreIgnoring, or covering your ears to pretend to ignore, without saying anything may seem “weaker” to you than at least saying something on your behalf in a pleasant, self-assured manner.

This strategy works best when the word or phrase is uttered in a pleasant, friendly tone while looking squarely into the eyes of the insulter.  If you instead say the word or phrase with a sneer or with any other action that tries to convey that you are somehow better or smarter than the insulter, the strategy is likely to make the situation worse.  You don’t want to do anything that makes the insulter angrier than he or she may already be. That might lead to an escalation of any underlying conflict and violence.  A sneer amounts to returning the insult, when that’s just what you want to avoid.  Any action that comes off as returning the insult will most likely motivate the insulter to try harder to make you feel bad.

Now, although ignoring or using a quick word or phrase followed by ignoring is easy to learn and often much better than returning the insult, for most situations trying to first find out why the person is throwing out insults is a much better course of action (see INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE).  concernedBy asking the insulter in a concerned manner the reason for the insult can lead to a quick fix for some underlying problem.  And of course, if this “asking in a concerned manner” approach doesn’t work, you can always use the ignoring approach or one of its cousins afterwards.

Well, that’s my post for this week.  I’m hoping readers will take some time to post a comment about these ideas.  What has worked for you?  What has been your experience in trying any of these strategies?  I’d love to hear from you.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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RESPONDING TO INSULTS WITH QUIET SADNESS

A couple of weeks ago, I provided readers of this blog a post titled, “How I Met Cool Steve.”  There, I told a story from one of my novels about a teenager, Jeff Star.  At one point, Jeff is in an angry mood because his teacher gave him so much homework, and perhaps he is also having some jealous feelings about how much respect the other students have for Cool Steve.  Jeff Star tells us what happens next:

lincoln high1Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me.  “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about,” Cliff calls out, “well, here he is.”

There, standing by Cliff is Cool Steve with a smile on his face.  As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness.  What’s he smiling about? I think to myself.  Cool Steve!  Cool Idiot if you ask me.  And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve.  I’ve been hearing about you.  The word is you’re a Jerk!”

As I glare at Steve, with his Mack Truck shoulders, my heart pounds furiously.  From the corner of my eye I notice Steve’s friend, Cliff, watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips.  His words from yesterday come to mind—“Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.”

Big deal!  I’m ready to go at him.

I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right.  My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes, and their eyes are flashing back and forth between me and Steve.

Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases.  Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness.  “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the guys would like me.”

Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

My eyes dart to him and back to Steve.  Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead.  The students looking on are almost drooling.  What should I do?

Uncomfortably, I find myself shifting my stance as I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down.  They look like they are on the verge of becoming watery as he looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.  My fury begins to turn into a feeling of downright stupidity.   “Listen Steve, I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked wit’ said you were okay.”  I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and then hurry away.

A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby.  Jeez, I just made a great impression, I think to myself, a wonderful great impression.  Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I got returned insults and fistfights.  Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic. Now, with the way Steve acted, I don’t know how to respond to his quiet sadness.

In contrast to the beliefs of many people, the story, “How I Met Cool Steve” puts forth the theory that someone can be respected even if they respond to an insult in a different way than to return the insult or to physically attack the insulter.  calvin argumentAs a boy growing up in Brooklyn, I became pretty acquainted with the typical way to respond to insults.  Most often, voices would get loud, and the exchange led to a very uncomfortable feeling between the two parties.  When the two parties came back together, there were often more uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  From time to time physical fights would break out, school pants got ripped at the knees as one guy tried to pin down the other on the cement ground, and I saw more then one guy end up with a broken nose.  Parents had to take time off from work to meet with the principal, and sometimes the insults led to larger groups ganging up on other groups to defend the honor of someone.

outliersMalcolm Gladwell, in his fine book, Outliers, discusses regions where people are willing to fight in response to even the slightest insult.  He refers to these regions as having a “culture of honor.”  One of the clearest consequences of having an above average “culture of honor” is that the murder rate is quite a bit higher than average.

In the Cool Steve story, there is something about how Cool Steve uses his eyes to negotiate through his challenging experience with Jeff Star.

eyesHow we use our eyes can dramatically influence an experience.  To illustrate this, consider this example.  When I first began to drive in New York, I was astounded that there were times when I was trying to ease over to the left toward my exit, when I would encounter some aggressive drivers. They would lean forward and the expression on their faces seemed to say that they would kill me if I dared to move in front of them.

aggressive driverAs I reflected upon this, I recognized that there were times that I too acted like one of these aggressive drivers.  But then one day, someone began to indicate that he wanted  to move in front of me, and as I started to get into my angry, aggressive mode, the person seeking to move in front of me deliberately caught my eye with his friendly gaze and indicated with his hand that he wanted to move over.  polite driverThere was something in his eyes that seemed to be just asking me if I minded if he moved over, rather than like he was trying to bully his way over.  Instantly, I found my whole self dramatically change.  I quickly eased off the gas peddle and waved him over.  I felt a reduction in my anger.  His eyes somehow let me know that he was not merely an it–but rather, a fellow human being.

Afterwards, I began trying this approach whenever I wanted to move over in heavy traffic, and it has been an enormous help.

sad eyesHow we use our eyes can have similarly helpful effects when someone  throws an insult at you. By looking gently into the insulter’s eyes and softly letting the insulter know you are sorry to hear whatever the insult is about often eases tensions.  Then, if you look sadly down toward the ground for a couple of seconds, and then gently back into the insulter’s eye, this has a way of making a personal connection.

As I began to try this in my teenage years, I was amazed at how well it worked.   At first, I had a little fear that my friends would think less of me, but this proved unfounded.  Occasionally, a friend would say to me, “You should have slugged that guy who insulted you right in the kisser.” I’d shrug my shoulders, and that put an end to it.  All of my old friends stuck with me, and I ended up often becoming friends with the insulters.

Now, some people in my conflict resolution classes over the years have asked, “What’s wrong with standing up for yourself?”

My answer is, “Nothing is wrong with it.  I encourage people to stand up for themselves.  But there are smart ways to do it and not so smart ways to do it.”

Consider the following Luann  comic:

luann insultHere we see Luann preparing to stick up for herself so that as soon as Tiffany throws an insult at her, Luann will be ready to return the insult.  If you are a follower of the delightful Luann comic strip, you know that this back and forth insult pattern has been going on and on for years.  And if two people are fine with continuing to act this way toward one another, they are free to do so.

But let’s say Luann is getting tired of this old game.  If she really wanted to effectively stand up for herself, she would first try to figure out why Tiffany is insulting her.  It has long been my impression that Tiffany is jealous of Luann because some boys prefer Luann to her.  Returning insults at Tiffany won’t resolve that issue.  Gently looking sadly into Tiffany’s  eyes and asking her in a concerned voice why she is throwing insults at her might lead to a more lasting solution to this type of problem.

Now, of course this quiet sadness approach is just one tool to have in your conflict resolution toolbox.  It is not quite right for every situation.  In the past, I recommended a few others (see for example, INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?). We’ll also be looking at other effective ways to stand up for yourself in future posts, ways that oftentimes work far better than returning insults.

Have a great week!

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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The NFL and Bullying: How to Change the Culture

RichieThis is my third “NFL Bullying” post since the topic splashed all over the national media this past Monday.  The first (“The N.F.L. Culture and Bullying“) presents the theory that one reason why bullying is sometimes viewed as acceptable is the belief that it can increase motivation to reach a level of excellence not achievable without bullying.

Whereas there may indeed be legitimate examples of some people achieving more in some valued area than they would have because of some insult, there are many arguments that insults are far more likely to be harmful rather than helpful.  From my own observations, insults most often just lead to a nasty exchange and wasted energy.  Moreover, some talented people who might have made an excellent contribution to a team may end up quitting altogether rather than putting up with what they feel is abuse.

parent yellingOff the football field, recent research has found that harsh verbal discipline by parents led to increases in teenage depression and more behavior problems, including fighting with peers, trouble in school and lying to parents (see Longitudinal Links Between Fathers’ and Mothers’ Harsh Verbal Discipline and Adolescents’ Conduct Problems and Depressive Symptoms).

I am therefore not convinced that people, to be fully motivated, need to be insulted.  Football playIn the NFL, players know that if they do well their records will show this. Millions of dollars help to motivate.  Lack of effort will lead to being cut from the team.  When players do well they are cheered by millions and receive more financially rewarding sponsor deals. The players want to do well not only for themselves but for their teammates and to be respected as a skillful player by their fellow professional football players.  The coaching team is hired to demonstrate passion for excellence, and they convey this attitude through modeling.  With these types of motivators, hazing, with its likelihood of causing more harm then good, makes little sense.

My second post on this topic (N.F.L. Bullying: The Real Reason For It) argued that whereas part of the reason for the hazing of rookies in the NFL is the belief that it can challenge players to perform better, the larger reason has to do, in my opinion, with a completely different dynamic. I expressed this dynamic as follows:

“Veterans recognize that the rookies are after their jobs.  When Joe Quarterback sees a fresh new quarterback on the team, he says to himself, After all my hard work and effort and all of the damaging blows that I’ve taken for the team, now this young son-of-a bitch wants to take my job.”

selma marchThis underlying anger is the real fuel igniting the bullying.  I likened what the bullies of the NFL are doing to what white racist southerners did to blacks in the south.

Now I do want to make it clear that I certainly don’t have enough information to say if any specific person involved in the Incognito-Martin incident is guilty of doing anything wrong.  But I personally think there is ample evidence that there is currently too much bullying going on in the NFL, and we should go ahead and start discussing ways to change the culture.  Why do I believe this?

Ryan+Tannehill+August+9One reason is the words used by Ryan Tannehill, QB for the Miami Dolphins, while defending his teammate, Richie Incognito, who is being accused of bullying.  “Does he [Incognito] like to give guys a hard time?” said Tannehill. “Yes. Does he like to pester guys and have fun? Yes.  But he brought a lot of laughter and a lot of cohesiveness.” (Quoted in Bloomberg Press in article titled, “NFL Bullying Accusation Forces Teams to Look at Own Locker Rooms“).

These kinds of statements even from someone trying to defend Incognito supports my contention that it is time to start thinking about changing the NFL culture.  A much better culture would impart to the players a clear understanding that there are far better ways to bring cohesiveness to a team than giving teammates a hard time and pestering them and that laughing about such behavior doesn’t make it excusable.  I’m not alone.

Jason Reid
Jason Reid

Jason Reid, a writer for the Washington Post wrote a column on this topic titled, “Miami Dolphins Blacks’ Support for Richie Incognito in NFL Bullying Affair is Troubling.”

Here’s what Reid  had to say:

“Miami Dolphins players don’t get it. Their support of suspended guard Richie Incognito – even after they learned he used a racial slur in a threatening voice mail left for biracial linemate Jonathan Martin – is among many troubling aspects of the bullying controversy that has engulfed the NFL franchise.

But for me, what’s most disturbing is that several misguided African- American Dolphins players – Mike Wallace, Mike Pouncey, Brent Grimes and Michael Egnew have been among Incognito’s most vocal defenders – identify more closely with Martin’s alleged tormentor than they do with Martin. Their support for Incognito shows the wrongheaded thinking that can arise from the locker-room culture and long-standing beliefs in the African American community about what behavior is socially acceptable for blacks.”

IF indeed there is too much bullying going on in the NFL, such verbal statements can be one way to change its culture.

There is some hope that the culture can indeed be changed.  According to a recent USA Today report, at least one NFL team has already managed to do this at least for one team–the Pittsburgh Steelers.  There we learn that:

tro PolamaluThe attention hazing and bullying have received this week surprises Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu. Having only played for one organization his entire 11-year career, Polamalu says he’s never seen any young players deal with anything even resembling hazing.

“Coach Tomlin has always said that if you are willing to help us win than you’re part of our family,” Polamalu said. “Whenever anybody young or new comes into here, we always have open arms and are willing to help them get used to their professional lives, whether it’s getting a car or giving them some change before they start getting paid.”

In another report, this one from ESPN, Polamalu said that the Steelers’ ethos starts at the top with chairman emeritus Dan Rooney and president Art Rooney II.

“They’ve really instilled a family environment that’s permeated our locker room so whenever a rookie comes in we accept them with open arms. We teach them the best way we know on how to be professional, how to take care of your body, how to train, how to learn the defense, the offense, whatever it may be.”

Mike TomlinIn the same article, Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin is quoted as saying:

“We take a simple approach in that young players can be quality reasons why we’re successful so if they’re capable and willing to help us in terms of what we desire to get done as a football team then we’re all committed to helping them help us,” the seventh-year coach said. “I think our veteran players embrace that and have mentor-like relationships with our young guys…”

These statements suggest that it is possible to create a culture in the NFL without the hazing of the younger players that appears to go on elsewhere.

In my view, the culture should start at the point just before a player’s contract is signed.  The coach should look the player in the eye and say emphatically, “I don’t know what you’ve been taught while playing football before, but if you sign with us, you must agree that you will not participate in any hazing or putting down of players, young or old.  Is that absolutely clear?!”

Moreover the contract should clearly have wording indicating the consequences of breaking this rule that includes suspensions and monetary penalties.  The coach should underline where in the contract these provisions are, and they should be fully discussed.  If the player doesn’t want to agree to these terms, he should be told that he’ll have to find work elsewhere.

Now, I understand that one of the strategies of football teams is to insult players on the other team. This is done in the hopes of getting the insulted player so angry that he will start a fight and end up either getting thrown out of the game or costing his team some other penalty.  And so, teams do have to train their players to handle these types of insults.  This can be done very effectively without hazing in the following way.

Coaches can have the players practice responding to insults by saying, “Nice try.”  The players are told that when they say these words, it actually means, “I am not stupid enough to fall for that trick.”

The players should undergo repeated training on this.  The training periods should begin with the coach standing in front of all of the players.  He then states, “We are all going to now practice handling insults.  This practice session will be done like this.  I’ll shout an insult and all of you are to call out, ‘Nice try.’  After your reply, I’ll then shout, ‘What do we mean when we say, Nice try?’  Then in unison, all of you will call out,  ‘I am not stupid enough to fall for that trick.'”

This drill should be done with twenty repetitions and then repeated on several different occasions.  Then the players are told by the coach that during intra-squad scrimmages,  to practice using the “Nice try” technique, from time to time he will have one squad start to insult the other squad players during the practice game.  At such times, the individuals being insulted are to practice responding to the insults by saying with a smile, “Nice try.”  The coach should mention that it is only during these types of practices that players insulting players will be tolerated.

With this type of practice, players can become competent in handling insults during real games that is consistent with a respectful culture among fellow team members.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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N.F.L. Bullying: The Real Reason for it

N.F.L.Yesterday, my post discussed a New York Times article titled “In Bullying Case, Questions on N.F.L. Culture.”  There we learned that what are being called pranks by some and humiliating behavior by others is ubiquitous in the N.F.L.  What is the reason for it?

The Times article tried to throw some  light on this when it stated that “Most incidents come with tacit, unsupervised approval of coaches and executives, who see the pranks as a rite of passage, a worthy bit of team building and character strengthening.”  Hmmm.  If the coaches and executives really believe this, what is the reason for their “tacit” approval.  Why not openly encourage this type of behavior?  I think it’s because they realize that there is something not quite right with this explanation.  And if this explanation is not quite right, what is a better one?

We get a clue from the Times’s report when it indicates that the behavior designed to humiliate the rookies is viewed by the veterans as being done “in all good fun” is “entertaining” and leads to “a room full of laughing teammates.”  What would account for the veterans enjoying humiliating the rookies so much?

Here’s what I think.  Veterans recognize that the rookies are after their jobs.  When Joe Quarterback sees a fresh new quarterback on  the team, he says to himself, After all my hard work and effort and all of the damaging blows that I’ve taken for the team, now this young son-of-a bitch wants to take my job.

It seems to me that there is an undercurrent of resentment that comes to most players in this type of situation.  Couple this with the fact that there are always far fewer guys on the team who are rookies, thus making the youngest players a clear minority.  With this combination, we end up with the very same motivation of why so many southerners persecuted blacks for so many years.  Many southerners realized that if blacks were to be treated equally, they would end up competing for the limited jobs in their area.  When blacks were humiliated, those who were doing the persecution found it funny.

In psychology, there is a theory called the “downward comparison theory.” It posits that persons experiencing negative affect can enhance their subjective well-being through comparison with a less fortunate other, the process occurring on either a passive or active basis.  When it is on an active basis, people actively try to create the conditions for others to be less fortunate.  This explains why people persecute others, and it is the real reason why the majority of players are persecuting the younger ones.

To claim, however tacitly, that the humiliating treatment of some in the N.F.L. is to help those being humiliated to develop their character is no different than if white racists claimed they were persecuting blacks out of the goodness of their hearts because they were really seeking to benefit blacks.

selma marchIt is high time that all of us come to understand that to persecute anyone is wrong, period!  Whether we are rookies, blacks, whites, Latinos, Asians, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, rich or poor, we can all be harmed by prejudice.  It is only by standing strong together as true Americans, that we can transform irrational hatred to wise understanding.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
bullying conflict management conflict resolution insults N.F.L. Name calling pranks Richie Incognito

The N.F.L. Culture and Bullying

N.F.L.We just finished up National Bullying Prevention Month.  Throughout October, after far too many suicides because of bullying, numerous organizations banned together to do what they could to change a culture.  What they tried to accomplish is far from easy.

The difficulty is that our culture is filled with examples of people telling us that insults can be the mother of invention.  If you are challenged by insults, you can get charged up and prove a thing or two to the insulter, and before you even realized it you have done something very positive.

On “60 Minutes” this Sunday, we learned that Ferruccio Lamborghini was originally a maker of tractors, but was dissatisfied with the clutch of a car he bought.  And so when he designed a fix for the car and explained it to the car manufacturer, he felt insulted when the head of the manufacturer dismissed his suggestion by saying he should stick to making tractors.  This riled Ferruccio up.  But instead of doing what many immature people do when riled up, such as throwing insults back at the insulter or throwing a fist, Ferruccio set to work on making a better car then the insulter.  And from many accounts, Mr. Lamborghini did just that.

Absent from the “60 Minutes” story was any discussion about when insults go so far that it is far more likely to have negative consequences than positive ones.

Now we learn from the New York Times that we are about to have a new national discussion about this.  Apparently what are being called pranks by some and humiliating behavior by others is ubiquitous in the N.F.L., especially when the older players interact with rookies. According to Jets offensive tackle Austin Howard, “Everybody’s done it.  It’s all in good fun.  And then the next year, they’re going to do it to the guy who’s there the next year.”

“Most incidents,” says the Times, “come with tacit, unsupervised approval of coaches and executives, who see the pranks as a rite of passage, a worthy bit of team building and character strengthening.”  However, it now appears that at least one player has perhaps taken this type of behavior too far.

RichieRichie Incognito, a 300-pound offensive lineman for the Miami Dolphins has been hit with at least a temporary suspension for perhaps being a downright bully. Miami coach, Joe Philbin, explaining the reason for the suspension, stated, “If the review shows that this is not a safe atmosphere, I will take whatever measures necessary to make sure that it is.”

“A safe atmosphere?”  That’s Philbin’s standard for stepping over the line when it comes to “pranks.”  Veteran Jets guard describes his standard.  “Any time a guy feels disrespected and like he can’t go to work and feel comfortable, that’s when you can’t have that in the locker.”

It is too early to know all of the details of what led to Mr. Incognito’s suspension.  But many of us who are concerned about bullying hope that this incident will lead to a national conversation about an issue that deserves to be discussed even if National Bullying Prevention Month has come and gone.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger bullying conflict management conflict resolution insults jealousy Mickey Mantle Name calling respect social intelligence wisdom

How I Met Cool Steve

Regular readers of this blog know that to illustrate an idea, I usually utilize a comic strip or a brief parable.  To fully integrate all of the ideas that appear in the blog, I’ve created a coming of age trilogy of novels that is set in Brooklyn that my students over the years have coined The Cool Steve Stories, because one of the main characters is “Cool Steve.”

hero coverLove cover

Novels are perfect for illustrating subtle ideas but the vast majority of blog readers have no desire to read a post that long.  And so, to deal with this challenge, from time to time I post a short story based on a chapter from one of my novels.

Today’s short story is an abbreviated version of a chapter from the second novel in the trilogy, Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand.

How I Met Cool Steve

boody jr highWhen I graduated from Boody Junior High back in the sizzling summer of 1965, I had one major problem—every time I tried to get the kids to respect me I ended up making more and more enemies.  If you would have asked me back then why respect was important to me, well, I guess I would have muttered a few of my choicest Brooklyn curses and then, well, I guess I would have said, “All I know is that when people treat me with respect it feels good, and when people treat me disrespectfully it feels like I ate something rotten.  So there! Ya wanna make somethin’ out of it?!”

*                                  *                                  *

That summer, I moved to a new neighborhood and I was going to start a new school—Lincoln High. I figured no one knows me there, so this is my big chance to turn myself around.

cycloneMy new neighborhood was pretty cool.  It was just a few blocks from the beach and Coney Island. In ten minutes I could walk to the Cyclone, far and away the greatest roller coaster ever.

And so, I began summer vacation feeling hopeful, but as the new school year began to close in on me, I started getting pretty nervous.  guitar blackAnd when the day before school arrived I’m sitting in my room strumming my guitar while thinking about getting real sick for a few years.  I wonder how long I could play up that angle to avoid school altogether.  My stomach’s been out of whack for the past few days anyway, so it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to take it up another level.

Each lick of my guitar is a pounding of my old enemies, and then, all of a sudden, notions of respect get thrown in as well, creating a wild, pounding drum beat in sync with my wild, pounding heart.  My strumming gets louder.

Hey, maybe I can get some respect for my musical talent.

“Jeff, quiet down in there!” Mom screams.  “For crying out loud, you’re giving me a headache!”

“You’re giving me a headache!” I scream back while throwing my guitar down on my bed.  I storm out of my apartment and pound the elevator call button.  When it arrives, I punch the lobby button and then start kicking the walls.

*                                  *                                  *

Ocean ParkwayOnce in the street, I walk aimlessly as steam hisses out of my ears.  Along Ocean Parkway I pass Lincoln High and shudder.  Under the Belt Parkway overpass I notice pigeons up in the beams hiding in crevices.  As I continued on with my walk, slowly I begin to settle down.

*                                  *                                  *

Well, you can kiss that summer vacation goodbye, I say to myself while setting my alarm clock so I won’t be late for my first day at Lincoln.  Within minutes of shutting my light, worries begin to invade my mind, buzzing about like flies.  Man, school’s gonna suck!

Sleepless minutes go by like hours, and hours stretch out into eternities.  I check my alarm clock at midnight, again at one and two.

ideaAnd then, suddenly, an idea explodes upon me, followed by madly rushing thoughts.  That’s it!  That’s it!  At Lincoln I’ll first play a real quiet type and not reveal anything about myself.  And while I do that, I’ll secretly carry out a careful investigation to determine who the kids at Lincoln already respect.  By keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut, I bet I can learn something useful before the kids get to know me.

dark cloudsBut moments after this plan has rolled in with its initial high hopes, a dark cloud of doubt begins to cast its dismal shadow.  Yeah, well if I carry out that stupid plan everyone’s gonna think I’m just copying the guy everyone respects.  I’ll be nothing but a rotten copycat.

More tossing and turning.  Three o’clock comes and goes.

And then, suddenly I sit up in bed fully awake, and my mind cries out, Wait!  There was this director I worked with in a play once and I remember him saying how a great actor takes what he learns from other actors and then brings something of himself to a role, something that makes it fresh and unique.  Maybe I can create something new based on someone else.  Maybe.

*                                  *                                  *

linclon high2I arrive on my first day at Lincoln at seven-twenty a.m., with a pencil, a loose-leaf notebook, and a sensationally queasy stomach.  Out front students are gathered together in clusters.  So far I don’t see anyone I know.  Good.

Most students are dressed in outfits that appear more freshly bought than what is seen by mid-school year.  The stores offering back to school sales must have had a banner year.

lincoln hallwayThe first bell rings and resonates deep in my unsettled bowels.  In unison, students head for their homeroom.  I look down at my class schedule that I received in the mail a few weeks ago.  It indicates in distinct black typewriter letters that I have to go first to HOMEROOM 324.  Okay, I guess that means I better find a stairway up to the third floor.  Man, I thought my junior high had big crowded hallways.  They were minor league compared to this!

Here’s an up-stairway.  As I traipse along, I try to listen to the conversations going on around me to see if I can find some clue about who the kids respect.  There are a couple of cute girls in front of me.

beatles“Did you see the Beatles last night on the Ed Sullivan show?” asks one.

“Definitely!”

“Who do you like better, John Lennon or Mick Jagger?”

“Oh, John’s my dreamboat!”

“Don’t you think Mick’s cuter?”

It looks like the ladies go for rockers, I think to myself.  Maybe I ought to start practicing guitar more.

*                                  *                                  *

A couple of periods later, I’m heading to biology and some guy behind me says to someone next to him, “Hey, Cool Steve’s in my health class!”

“Cool Steve!  Really?!

“Yeah!  He sat right next to me.”

“Damn!  Hey, tell him I say hi.”

There’s an excitement that accompanies this dialogue that somehow has me going, hmmm.

*                                  *                                  *

Lunchtime.  I’m not really hungry, but my schedule says that’s where me and hoards of others are supposed to go so we find the down stairwell and dutifully march along.

lunchroomHarsh smells of recently mopped floors, day old tuna, sour milk, low grade cheeseburgers, and the like kick my appetite for a loop.

Where should I sit?  Remember to keep a quiet profile.  There are some cool looking kids at this table.   I start to sit down.

“Sorry, we’re saving these seats for some friends,” says one of the guys.

I nod and move on.  Man, I hate school.

Mickey Home runA few tables away, I spot an open seat next to a kid reading a story in Sports Illustrated with a great shot of Mickey Mantle.  The Mick’s neck and forearms are bulging as he’s clobbering a monster home run.

“Anybody got this seat?” I ask while preparing myself for another rejection.

Looking up from his magazine, the guy looks me over for a couple of seconds, and then replies, “Sit down.  I’m Cliff Schweitzer.”

“Hi Cliff, thanks.  I’m Jeff Star.”

“Hi, Jeff. Say, who do you have for history?”

After checking my schedule card, I answer, “Mr. Lofton.”

“Is he any good?”

“I don’t know.  I have him for the first time in a couple of periods from now.”

“I got stuck with Mr. Putzmeister,” Cliff says mournfully.

“Putzmeister!” I reply with a smile.  “That his real name?”

“Yeah, and never was there a more fitting name for a teacher.  I got to get out of there.   He is so boring!”

“Well, it’s history, Cliff.  How interesting can it be?”

“History is my favorite class, Jeff.  My dad’s a history professor at New York University so that’s what we both love.  And now to get stuck with Mr. Putzmeister!”  This kid, Cliff, is digging his fingernails into his forehead like he’s getting ready to commit suicide.

“Try talking ta someone in the office.  All you’re interested in is history?”

“Well, to me, a branch of history is ‘The world of sports,’ and I love sports.  In fact, I’m writing a column for the school newspaper.  It’s called the ‘Sports Scene.’ The first issue comes out on Friday.  Check it out.  Let me know what you think.”

talking2While we’re talking, we hear a kid from a nearby table, yelling, “Ya wouldn’t dare do this ta Cool Steve!  Why ya doing it ta me?”

I turn to Cliff.  “That’s the second time I heard this name, Cool Steve.  You wouldn’t happen ta know him?”

“Yeah, from Cunningham,” he answers, referring to one of the junior high schools that feed into Lincoln.  “I guess most of the kids who know him, know him from there.”

“There seems to be some kind of respect thing connected to him.”

“Respect?  Steve?  Well, yeah.”

“You respect him?”

“Oh, yeah!”

“How come?”

runner“Well, I guess for me it’s got something to do with the fact that he’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.  In baseball he’s got explosive power and a rocket arm, and in football he’s got lightning speed and incredible hands.  He’s… he’s history in the making.  He’s just incredible, I mean incredible! But, um… I got a feeling people would respect Steve even if he wasn’t so great in sports.”  Then Cliff’s voice kind of trails off and he looks like he’s searching for a more complete answer, but before he gets to it, a guy sitting beside him asks to borrow his Sports Illustrated.

“Let me just finish this story,” Cliff responds, and he quickly buries his nose in his magazine.

*                                  *                                  *

pizzaAfter school lets out, I walk to Rocco’s Pizzeria over on Brighton Beach Avenue.  Rocco is fixing up a new pie.  I take in deeply the familiar aroma of baking dough, oregano, cheese, and Rocco’s underarms.

pizza2With two slices in hand, I discover none of the tables are empty.  At one of them is this guy Brainy George sitting by himself with his blond hair looking like it hasn’t been combed in months.  I had met him earlier in the day in my gym class and noticed he sat at the same lunch table as Cliff Schweitzer, the sports writer.  “How come they call him Brainy George?” I had asked one of the guys in gym.

“Da guy’s a freakin’ genius,” came the reply.

With nowhere else to sit, I ask if he’d mind if I sat across from him.

He looks up with these large thick glasses and nods his okay.  “You were in gym today,” he says as I sit down.

“Yeah.”

“I hate gym.”

“You do?”

“Can’t stand it—all the idiots trying to prove they’re Mr. Atlas.”

“Hmmmm.”  Personally, to me gym is a whole lot better than the rest of the garbage we gotta take at school.  Rather than saying this I maintain my quiet portrayal.  The pizza is still a bit hot so I blow on it and take my first bite.  Mmmmm!  “What junior high did you go to?” I ask.

cunnigham“Cunningham.”

“That’s the same junior high as this kid Cool Steve.  I guess ya think he’s an idiot since he’s into sports.”

“Steve?  Naaa.  Steve’s different than the guys I’m talking about.”

“Izzat so?”

“Yeah.  I like Steve because, well first of all, he’s not one of those idiots who pick on me because I can’t run as fast as the other guys.  And I like the way Steve’s gutsy.  He’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes in.  And it’s the way he carries himself… the way he moves.  I don’t know… I… I just have a lot of respect for Steve.”

There’s that word again—‘respect.’  Well, being gutsy shouldn’t be too hard, I think to myself.  Hell, I was gutsy enough to get into lots of fights in my old school.  But I don’t quite know what to make of this stuff about the way Steve moves.

*                                  *                                  *

My second day at Lincoln—the wide-eyed exuberance of students on day one has turned into a ‘Do I really have to be here?’ look.

lincoln high1After finishing my lunch, I go sit on the steps of Lincoln’s main entrance.  It’s warm and the sun is shining.  Several students including Cliff Schweitzer, the sports writer, and Brainy George, the genius, come by and sit down next to me.  With them are these two attractive girls.

I find myself magnetically pulled toward the girls.  How can I get introduced?  Be careful.  You don’t want to blow the quiet image.

I nudge George and conspicuously look at each of the girls.

First, he points to the one closest to him, “She’s Sandy.”  Sandy’s cute, with apricot-tan shoulders, a peachy complexion, and long, wavy, sandy-blond hair.  She glances at me and smiles.

Then George, he points to the girl sitting next to Sandy.  “That’s Mysterious Jane.”

“Mysterious Jane?” I ask.

“Well, they call Mysterious Jane, Mysterious Jane, because she’s strange,” George explains.

She might be strange, I think to myself, but she’s gorgeous.  She has long, straight, glossy black hair that slightly covers her prominent cheekbones, and falls freely upon her voluptuous shouldegreen eyesrs and breasts.  Her green, almond shaped eyes have a thin line of black mascara and perhaps within these glimmering eyes there is a hint of some sort of mysteriousness.

Jane looks at me, gives me a slight nod, and resumes a conversation that she is having with George.

All of a sudden something catches Sandy’s attention and she cries, “Who’s that gorgeous guy?”

Mysterious Jane turns with her large green eyes in the direction that Sandy is looking—down the steps and off to the right.  She lets out a long sigh.  “Oh, that’s Cool Steve.”

“Ain’t he built!” Sandy squeals.  “You know him?”

“Yeah, from Cunningham,” Jane replies.  “All the girls were nuts about him because, well, a lot of the girls say it’s because he’s so cute.  And he is cute, especially his eyes.  I l-o-o-v-e his eyes.”  This is followed by a moan and she then drifts off into another dimension.

Sandy pokes Mysterious Jane, returning her back to Earth.  Jane looks over to Sandy, lowers her voice to an eerie whisper and says, panther“If you want to know the truth, the real reason all the girls are crazy about Steve is because he moves with the grace and power of a large panther, but he has far more power than any panther you’ve ever seen.”

I think to myself, that Mysterious Jane, she’s strange!

Watching Steve down the steps, I can’t notice him moving in any special way.  I do notice that he’s tall with dark eyes and hair, like me.  But compared to me, Steve is broader and has more of a Paul Newman nose.

Well, I refuse to get my nose fixed, but if I put on a few pounds and start lifting weights, I bet it might help.  I’m way too skinny.

“Aaaaa, he’s nothing special,” I declare, feeling a little jealous of the way the girls are looking at him.

“All of the students sitting on the steps turn to me.  “Nothing special,” says Mysterious Jane with a smile, and with that, everyone around me laughs.

*                                  *                                  *

A couple of hours later I’m walking out the south side exit of Lincoln heading home for the day.  Man, I’m pissed!  I can’t believe how much homework that stupid biology teacher gave me!   Suddenly I hear, “Hey, Jeff Star!”

I turn to my left and spot Cliff calling after me.  “Jeff, that guy Steve you were asking about,” Cliff calls out, “well, here he is.”

There, standing by Cliff is Cool Steve with a smile on his face.  As I walk over, I’m feeling a completely unfamiliar nervousness.  What’s he smiling about? I think to myself.  Cool Steve!  Cool Idiot if you ask me.  And then, when I open my mouth, I find myself saying in a loud tough voice, “So you’re Steve.  I’ve been hearing about you.  The word is you’re a Jerk!”

As I glare at Steve, with his Mack Truck shoulders, my heart pounds furiously.  From the corner of my eye I notice Steve’s friend, Cliff, watching on, his mouth closed so tight he seems to have no lips.  His words from yesterday come to mind—“Steve’s the best athlete I’ve ever personally known.”

Big deal!  I’m ready to go at him.

I’m waiting for an angry come on, or a quick jab from his right.  My muscles are as tight as a hangman’s noose.

I notice several students who were walking home from school have put on their brakes, and their eyes are flashing back and forth between me and Steve.

Steve’s eyes lower, his forehead creases.  Then his eyes look into mine and I see, instead of fury, sadness.  “I guess,” he begins to say haltingly, “well… I was hoping… you know… starting a new school here… well, I was hoping the guys would like me.”

Those dark, glimmering eyes of his….

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “why did you say that?”

My eyes dart to him and back to Steve.  Cold perspiration beads up on my forehead.  The students looking on are almost drooling.  What should I do?

Uncomfortably, I find myself shifting my stance as I look into Steve’s eyes…the sadness there…eyebrows down.  They look like they are on the verge of becoming watery as he looks directly into my eyes, then down, and then back up into mine.  My fury begins to turn into a feeling of downright stupidity.   “Listen Steve, I… I don’t know why I said that… everyone I talked wit’ said you were okay.”  I take a quick glance at Cliff and the other students watching on…and then hurry away.

*                                  *                                  *

A few minutes later, I’m pushing the elevator button in my apartment lobby.  Jeez, I just made a great impression, I think to myself, a wonderful great impression.  Steve’s eyes… man, who is this guy?

In junior high, whenever I started to put someone down, I got returned insults and fistfights.  Such reactions would turn me into a raving lunatic. Now, with the way Steve acted, I don’t know how to respond to his quiet sadness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied bullying conflict management conflict resolution criticism free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum guilt Name calling social intelligence suicide threats

CONFESSION OF A FORMER BULLY

A while ago, my wife and I went to Ithaca to see the emotionally charged play, “From White Plains.” The title is meant to suggest plain white kids from a suburb.  As the lights first brighten the stage, thirty-year old Dennis hears that he has won the Oscar for his film based on the bullying he and his friend faced in childhood.  When Dennis reveals in front of a worldwide audience during his acceptance speech the name of the worst of the bullies whose actions led to his friend’s suicide, the drama begins.

Ethan
Ethan
Dennis
Dennis

Ethan, the former bully, sees the telecast, as does almost everyone in his life, and his smartphone lights up. Although Ethan quickly and publicly issues a heartfelt apology for his actions as a child, the fiercely outspoken Dennis is not in the least ready for forgiveness.

“Why should a two-minute apology be enough to forgive someone that caused the death of my friend and years of my own tormenting anguish?” he cries.

Gregory
Gregory

But Dennis’s friend, Gregory, challenges him to think about his campaign for vengeance.  Increasingly sympathetic to Ethan’s pain from the unrelenting public humiliation that Dennis is leading against Ethan, at one point Gregory emotionally declares to Dennis, “It is you who have now turned into a bully!”

John
John

The plot is further complicated by the dilemma faced by Ethan’s closest buddy, John.  With so much anger being directed toward Ethan, John fears that if he continues to be Ethan’s friend, those who now hate Ethan will also turn against him. Viewers of these scenes, as they watch John, an adult, struggle with this dilemma, get a vivid sense of how much more difficult it must be for kids facing the same type of dilemma whenever they see a friend begin to be targeted by others.  Should they stick with their friend through thick and thin, or join with the larger, more powerful group?

I won’t reveal the rest of the play other than to say it’s very well done.

As I left the theater, I found myself thinking about my own past.  At first, I vividly recalled the times that I was bullied and how I fantasized that I was Superman and used my powers to violently put all of the bullies into the hospital with broken arms and legs.  And then, with angst in the pit of my stomach, I suddenly recalled an incident that occurred when I was in junior high in which I participated in bullying a classmate.

classroomA student in my class, let’s call him Ralph, had a head that was a bit bigger than my other classmates.  Another student began to pass around a sheet of paper with a drawing of a caricature of Ralph with an enormous head standing at a microphone stand giving a speech.  The sheet of paper asked for signatures to nominate Ralph to be “Head of the Class.”  Although I knew Ralph was watching me, I found myself laughing when the paper arrived in my hands.  Not only did I laugh, I ended up signing the petition and passed it on to the student next to me, who proceeded to crack up at the site of the caricature.

school hallwayAfter class, while walking beside Ralph on our way to our next class, I saw from his eyes and forehead that he was feeling pretty miserable.  “Ralph,” I said, “we all get crap from the other kids from time to time.  It’s just the stuff that goes on at school.”

“Yeah, well it doesn’t feel too good,” he replied in a choked-up voice.

“If it makes you feel any better,” I said, “well, I like you.”

With that, I felt that I had done my good deed for the day and the incident was over. The next morning, however, when Ralph showed up in the schoolyard just before the line-up bell, the kids in my class began to once again put him down.  I noticed there was a girl that I knew Ralph liked standing near bschoolyard bullyy.  Although this time I didn’t join in on the teasing, I wanted to speak up and ask the kids to cut it out, but I didn’t have the courage.  I found myself afraid that if I said anything to defend Ralph, the bullying would be turned on me.  And so, feeling like a coward, I kept my mouth shut.

Fifty years have gone by, and I still feel that I hadn’t done quite enough at times for all the Ralphs out there.

As an adult, I now believe that the best hope to deal effectively with the bullying problem is to have programs at school that change the culture so that the actions of bullies signify ineptitude rather than manliness; and that sticking up for a kid who is being bullied is a sign of a real hero (see my post “Bully and Beyond”).

schoolyard bully2But for those of us who went to schools that had no such programs, how are we to deal with the ruminating memories that continue to plague us years after we graduated?   Can we ever forgive ourselves for the actions we committed in our youth?   Can we ever forgive the kids who humiliated us?  Why do some people, having been bullied as kids, turn into bullies themselves the first chance that they get? And finally, why do some people who had bullying experiences as kids instead of converting them into hate somehow manage to convert them into acts of kindness?

Over the next few weeks, I hope readers will help me to make sense of all of this.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict management conflict resolution criticism free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum interpersonal conflicts MATURITY social intelligence touching wisdom

TOUCHING WHILE TRYING TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS: IS THERE A PLACE FOR IT?

DILBERT ceo1The chief executive officer (CEO) in the Dilbert comic strip is the bald-headed guy.  He has been having quite a few conflicts with his workers.   After trying some new approaches to resolve these conflicts, he decides to see if touching might help:

dilbert touchingApparently, one of the CEO’s workers likes the way it feels when he is patted on his head.  I don’t think I would like my boss to pat me on my head.  Nevertheless, I do wonder if touching someone in certain ways during a conflict may be helpful at times.

When I was growing up, my mother and some of my male acquaintances would use physical contact during a conflict with me in the form of hitting. They did this to try to force me to do whatever they wanted me to do.  But in this post, I’m not going to discuss that type of physical contact.

I also received some forms of physical contact in a few non-conflict situations. Affectionate close relatives would hug me when saying hello. In my early days my friends and male cousins would roughhouse in a fun manner. These occurred without any real conflict. Today, I have something very different in mind.

One of the ways I recall someone touching me during a conflict occurred when I was sixteen years old. I was on the Lincoln High baseball team and I happened to show up a little late for practice.

Soon after I arrived, my coach took me off to the side so we could talk in semi-privacy.  The other players could still see us, but they were far enough away so that what my coach had to say was just for my ears.

He first looked down at the ground for a long 30 seconds or so, and then he looked squarely into my eyes while putting his hand softly on the back of my shoulder.  In a soft voice, he said, “Jeff, I see you as one of the leaders on this team. I’m hoping this is the last time you come late for practice.  Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Coach,” I replied.  “I’m real sorry about being late.”

He then patted me on my back and said, “OK, Jeff, now go take some fielding practice, and I want to see you hustling out there.”

“You bet, Coach!”

Now, at the time, it never even crossed my mind that my coach had done anything that anyone could possibly think of as wrong.  When I was growing up, in sports touching occurred all the time.  A coach might put his arm around you while he gave you some instructions.

coach arm around playerIf you made a nice play, the coach and your team mates might pat you on the arm or back, or even on your rear end.

pat on buttAnd both male and female athletes  and coaches would give each other enthusiastic hugs. girsls basketball hug

sports hugs2

coach touch 4My baseball coach had done something a little different when he touched me.  Usually touching in sports occurred during the rough and tumble of a game or as a sign that you did something good.  My baseball coach had touched me, not for any of those two reasons, but because he was trying to work out a conflict he was having with me. And it worked. I never came late again, and not only did I not think he did anything wrong, I found that I had an increased amount of respect for him because of the way he handled the situation.

Soon after, I found myself reflecting upon what he did.  He spoke to me in relative privacy.  When he began, he looked down in a way that I could tell that what I did led to him feeling unhappy.  And then, when he looked into my eyes and said that he felt that I was viewed as one of the team leaders, there was something about what he said and how he said it that led me to feel that he genuinely liked me.  At the same time, he told me what he wanted me to do in the future in very clear terms–to be on time for practice.

After that incident, I found myself often using a similar approach, and I found it very helpful.  As a result, I didn’t think there could be any problem with it.  But as the years went on, from time to time I have heard individuals complain about someone touching them in similar situations and not liking it.  And so, I began to ask some questions to see if I could come to understand the reasons for our experiences being so very different.

One teenager whom we will call Judy told me that a guy at school made a suggestion to her that made her very angry.

“Then what happened,” I asked.

Judy1“How did you feel about the way the guy handled the situation?” I asked.

“I didn’t like the way he touched me,” Judy replied. “He squeezed my shoulder and it felt threatening.”

“Hmmm,” I replied.  “Something about the way he squeezed your shoulder felt uncomfortable.  I see.  What if he just touched you gently in the back of your shoulder while saying what he said?  Would you have felt more comfortable with that?”

judy3Judy thought about this for a few seconds and then looked up at me and smiled.  “That would have been okay,” she replied.  “There was something about the way he actually touched me that felt creepy, and I didn’t like it at all.”

Although Judy said that if the boy would have touched her gently on the back, she would have felt okay about that, I have heard some other folks say that they don’t like to be touched at all.

So what do we do about this?  Do we stop touching everyone in these types of situations because some people feel uncomfortable with being touched?  Do we begin to think about what kinds of touching might be okay, and what types of touching is not okay?

I really can’t answer this type of question for everyone.  It would be very helpful if readers over the next few weeks share with us their thoughts about this, so we have more information to judge.  In the meantime, I will say this.  If you do try the touching approach with someone, I think you would be wise to watch carefully how the other person is reacting.  If the person begins to appear tense, with a crinkling of the forehead, a stiffening of the body or by pulling away from the touch, I encourage you to back off and offer an apology.  Perhaps saying something like this might be helpful, “I sense that you don’t like me to touch you.  I’ll keep that in mind in the future and respect your feelings.  I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable.”  Then, a gentle smile might ease some of the tension.

Well, I hope this post gives you some ideas to think about, and, as always, I hope to be reading your comments real soon.

Have a great week,

Jeff

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger challenge conflict management conflict resolution emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum interpersonal conflicts psychological maturity wisdom

OPENNESS TO THE OTHER: BYPASSING ANGER BY REMAINING CONFIDENTLY ENGAGED

This week we have a special treat, a guest blog post by Dr. Robin Lynn Treptow, PhD.  Dr. Treptow describes herself as a peace psychologist who lives in Montana with her family.  She believes that sustainable world-wide peace is achievable via psychological wisdom, and she labors one-on-one in each human interaction towards this goal.

Here’s a little background to Dr. Treptow’s post:

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

A couple of weeks ago, I published a post titled FROM ANGER TO CHALLENGE: A STEP TWO EXAMPLE.  That post provided a parable in which Audrey, a young woman, has just graduated from law school.  When her father begins to urge her to begin her career at his Wall Street firm, Audrey becomes angry, and cries out, “Dad, we discussed this already!  I’m going to get a job in the Department of Justice!”

Dr. Treptow, it just so happens, believes that it would be helpful for my readers to see the character in my parable act in a different way, one in which Audrey displays the principles of “Openness to the other” (The Virtue of Multiculturalism Personal Transformation, Character, and Openness to the Other, by Blaine J. Fowers and Barbara J. Davidovin, September 2006, American Psychologist, Vol. 61, No. 6, 581–594).  I feel my readers could benefit from this point of view, and so I now turn this post over to Dr. Treptow.

Below, I will use blue letters when I am using Dr. Rubin’s words in his original post describing his  parable of Audrey.  Whenever I want to insert a comment into his parable or change his words to illustrate bypassing anger by remaining confidently engaged, I will use red letters.

Illustration by Eric Sailer
Illustration by Eric Sailer

Audrey is at a fine restaurant with her parents celebrating her law school graduation.

[This scenario involving primarily Audrey and her father has been adapted herein using a novel strategy for managing one’s emotions in a proactive manner:  bypassing “anger” or other negative emotions altogether and moving towards a wholehearted focus upon “openness to the other.”  Some aspects of the original script have been omitted as irrelevant and unnecessary to the more effective and streamlined process.]

“Well, your mother and I are so proud of you, Audrey,” says her father.

“Thanks, Dad!”

“Now you know, Audrey, I think it best that you begin your career in my Wall Street firm,” says her father.

audrey7 [Audrey very momentarily takes an inner assessment of her emotional, cognitive, and behavioral resources—she had decided about a month ago to try a novel approach to relationships, an approach that keeps in mind that two people can communicate openly with one another even though they do not have the same backgrounds, heritage, and life experiences.  A major goal with this approach is to clarify that others have ‘legitimate commitments to their own ways of life that are worthy of respect.’]

emotionsHaving heard her father’s comment about beginning her career at his firm, Audrey’s thoughts follow in this line:  “Emotions:  I am pretty upbeat because this is my law school graduation celebration; though sometimes I can be vulnerable to reactivity to others’ comments at times of an ’emotional high,’ I think that in this case it will be ‘okay’ to honor my father by remaining open to whatever he should wish to say.  cognitionCognitions:  Though it will certainly be reasonable to avoid agreeing to any immoral thought or actions, I do not realistically think that my father would put me in that type of position now or at any other time.  I certainly ought to be able to listen openly to my father’s points of view as his daughter and as a competent law school graduate.  behaviorBehaviors:  I am an adult; I am fully capable of listening to my father’s statements about a matter close to his heart:  it will be simply a matter of sitting here, looking at him as he speaks, and expressing agreement with anything about which I can concur.”  Audrey’s mental evaluation—comprising something like 30 seconds—meanders to a close as she hears herself gently intone…

audrey5“Hey, dad, that is a sweet idea!  Why don’t you go over again the primary reasons that you would like me to work there?”

[Audrey is quietly cognizant of her primary goal:  to be in a relationship with her father; she has set aside for this conversation any needs to justify her desire to work at the Justice Department—realizing that she is an adult and is fully capable to make that decision with or without her father’s input.  In fact, it is this very confidence in her own ability to act wisely without her father’s direct counsel which enables Audrey to set aside any perceived need to convince her father that she has made (or will make) the best choice. Audrey remains aware that this approach is based in authenticity; that is, it will backfire if it is used as a “tactic” or “strategy” just to get her way or to convince her father that she is a capable adult:  its purpose is to keep oneself in pleasant and amiable harmony with the other.]

“Dad, we discussed this already.” 

[Here, in Dr. Rubin’s original script, Audrey is beginning to become angry and defensive.  But in this revised approach, Audrey, instead gives her father a warm smile and pats him on his arm.]  

Department of justice“As I mentioned to you before, Dad, I’m going to get a job in the Department of Justice,” says Audrey. “I made some connections there and that’s where my heart is.”

[While Audrey’s words are almost identical to those she had said in Dr. Rubin’s scenario, with her new “openness to the other” approach, she is quietly conscious that her voice tone and facial affect are markedly more congruent to her inner feelings than they would have been if she had started to become angry.  Specifically, Audrey notices that her voice is soft and connected:  there is no harsh tone as she relates the truth of how she feels and the action that she is hopeful to take.]

“We discussed that several months ago, and just briefly,” her father replies. 

Audrey nods quietly with deep affection in her eyes.  Because she has assessed her inner resources and found them to be fully ample for the task of remaining in a caring and a loving relationship with her father, she is free to fully acknowledge his side of the relationship.

“Now that the real decision is right before you,” her father says, “it’s time to get serious.  I want to make sure you really think this out thoroughly to prevent you from doing anything foolish.”

Audrey smiles.  She fully appreciates her father’s reasons for speaking with her about her career choices:  he loves her very much!

pleasureShe is consciously aware of the spontaneous pleasure welling up inside of her for being able to listen to and appreciate why her father might be so motivated to engage her in this discussion.

 “Thank you, Dad,” Audrey says, and she leans over and gives her father a kiss on his cheek.

Audrey nods from time to time with deep respect as her father begins speaking—keeping her heart decidedly open to his.

audrey7Audrey inwardly celebrates her success:  despite so much well-meaning advise from law school colleagues and others in her social circle to be “assertive” and “tell your father that you have made up your mind…” she had tried a novel approach with wonderful results.  Not feeling at all anxious as to how the course of the conversation might turn out—knowing at that very deep place within her heart and soul that the Justice Department job was most likely going to remain solidly in her sights—Audrey prepares her whole person to be fully engaged with whatever her father might have to say.  She makes a mental note that she has researched her job options well; there is absolutely no reason to become defensive in discussing them with her father who obviously is highly invested in her prospects as a lawyer: “Why wouldn’t he be? He is a lawyer himself!”

When her father is done, Audrey carefully summarizes what he had to say. 

summarize3

Audrey notices that her “summary” is more than just repeating back her father’s words as if she did not really care about his feelings:  “It has gone to a deeper level.  I find myself wondering how my father might be feeling:  ‘Does he think, I do hope she still takes the job with me?  I really like her—she is a strong young woman and would be such an asset to my firm…” or ‘Might he wonder if I will grow away from him if I take another job—one that has differing ideas about a lawyer’s hands-on practice…what needs to be done and why…?’ She is pleasantly surprised and pleased to discover that her actions are not a “staged pretending to take my father seriously” but a genuine and honest interest in her father’s viewpoints on the matter.

thinkingShe pauses for a good few minutes, showing her dad she is really thinking over all the information she has gathered. 

Now Audrey decides to openly share with her father some of the thought process that has gone into her career choice—conveying by the congruency of her affect, words, and behaviors that she has indeed given her career a great deal of thought.  She impresses her Dad with her knowledge of what it takes to thoroughly consider her job options, the type of research that supports the procedure she had chosen, and the information that she had gathered on the specific options that she considered.  She then asks her father for his input.

audrey5Again, Audrey is pleased with her new approach: she is genuinely interested in her father’s advice, ideas, and practical approach to the job-search situation.  “This is rather fun,” she thinks.

[Audrey is not at all detached from her father and his needs during this exchange: rather, she is so confident in her own inner resources as to be fully available emotionally to her father during this difficult moment.]

Then she announces her decision that she is going to stick with her initial choice, a job with the Justice Department. 

Her father once again objects, making a few final pleas for her to reconsider. 

With a few moist tears in her eyes, Audrey gently reassures her father of her devotion and love for him as her father. 

[Having adopted at her innermost core a commitment to be “open to the other” throughout their interchange, she now can fully understand the mix of emotions that her father might be experiencing.]

Audrey’s father observes his internal thoughts:  “Wow!  She’s a smart one:  I am so pleased that she knows what she wants to do.  Yes, I am sad that she won’t be working for me—but she will be a dynamo for the Justice Department… I wonder if she might agree to have an informal ‘father-daughter lawyer’s lunch every Thursday when I seldom have pressing matters at hand…”] 

After summarizing what her father had said, using her most loving voice, Audrey says, “Dad, you make some very good points.  Here’s what we’ll do.  After one year of my job at the Department of Justice, you and I will meet again to discuss my career.  I’ll have a lot more information by then about what I like and don’t like about that job.  You’ll have a whole year to think up some new reasons for me to go into your firm.  I’ll only be 26 by then, and so it won’t be too late to change my career path.  And if I do decide to change, I bet at least some of the stuff I’ll be learning at the Justice Department will be helpful for a Wall Street lawyer to know.” 

Audrey’s father looks a little sad as she tells him of her final decision.  Still, he nods, and says that he appreciates that she will remain open about the possibility of changing her decision after a year.  And then he adds,

audrey4“And do you think that the Justice Department’s new stellar appointee will grant her leave every Thursday for a leisurely lunch—“lawyer networking”?  We can pick a place nearby the Justice Department—I have some flexibility to travel across town—and maybe one or more of those times you could invite some Justice Department co-workers to join us.  I would be eager to hear more about how their branch of lawyering differs in both concrete and more theoretical ways from what I have done thus far in my career.”

Audrey9“Sure, Dad,” Audrey replies with a smile, and they conclude their meeting with a sweet hug.

———————

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.