Category: threats

“BULLY” AND BEYOND

Although the deeply disturbing documentary, “Bully,” has been out for over a year, I just got to view it as a rental a few days ago. It grabbed my guts and gave them a wrenching twist.

The documentary focuses on the struggles of five families. Two students end up killing themselves, others seriously consider it, while one young lady attempts to discourage her persecutors from continuing their bullying by bringing a loaded gun on a school bus and screaming threats.

Each of the family stories is brought vividly to life. For example, Alex, a 14-year old, is teased, humiliated and assaulted daily.

Here we see him getting abused on the school bus.

Trying to make sense of it all, at one point he sticks up for his tormentors, saying they are “just messing around” when they stab him with pencils and call him vile names. At another point, he asks his deeply troubled mother, “If not for them, what friends do I have?”

It is not only boys who are humiliated regularly at school.

Many are berated about their sexuality.

Others, because of the color of their skin.

It happens on school buses.

In school hallways.

And more and more, on the internet.

Often groups of children band together to pick on others.

The educators that we see in the film come across as needing some sound advice on handling bullying. A. O. Scott, in his review of the movie for the New York Times, refers to them as well-meaning but clueless. Particularly irksome to Scott is the scene in which an assistant principal tries to settle a conflict between two boys who apparently had been fighting at recess.

“When she insists that they shake hands, one eagerly obliges, with a smile and an apology. The other sullenly resists, and as she scolds him for his noncooperation (letting his antagonist go), it becomes clear that this boy is the victim, and that the assistant principal’s rushed attempt to be fair is in fact perpetuating a terrible and continuing injustice.”

At first, I was very disappointed that the movie offers very little constructive suggestions about what can be done to turn this dismal problem around. But its emotional impact has been an important part of the emergence of a coalition working toward altering intolerable conditions too often regarded as “just kids being kids.”

The movie has spawned The Bully Project, an online site where people can learn more about dealing with bullying. There, kids who are bullied can learn that they are not alone. And educators can learn about how to set up a viewing of the movie for their entire school and to follow up the viewing with classroom discussions.

In one video that we can access at the site, we see one entire school going to the movie and then getting the reactions from students. One kid reports that there was not a dry eye in the auditorium. Others admitted that they had bullied, but now realized it was wrong.

Also available on line, as my regular readers know, is this blog, From Insults To Respect. The blog can be used as a free curriculum that teaches the social skills to deal with these challenging experiences.

For those of you who are first getting familiar with this blog and want to help others to learn how to deal with problems involving insults, I recommend starting with my post titled:

INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

There, readers can learn about eight different reasons why people insult others and get some suggestions about how to deal with each of them.

If you are a parent or educator, in my post titled, TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM, I recommend a fun game that teaches kids how to respond to criticism in a manner that enhances their reputation.

One approach that I have used in a school setting to deal with these types of issues is to have kids create brief TV shows that illustrate each of the four levels of responding to criticism that I discuss regularly on my blog (see, for example, RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY). The kids loved doing this. When the kids were done acting out these video role-plays, I had the parents of the kids in my group come, and it created a dialogue about these issues that was very well received.

After the parents saw the TV shows, I made another set of these four-level role-play videos with the same group of kids, and again, the parents showed up. By now, the kids had learned this set of skills like it was the back of their hands, and were using them in settings outside the group.

A particularly powerful way to teach skills that deal with bullying is through narratives that are designed to change the valuation of bullying to make it signify ineptitude rather than manliness. We can change the culture by telling stories in which kids, out of fear, act nice to a bully when face to face with them but speak negatively about them as soon as the bully’s back is turned. “Is that the type of respect you are after?” is a question to ask the students after each story is told.

I’ve published a trilogy of three novels that not only addresses this question, but presents a character who rejects bullying and yet learns to achieve respect.

In my view, it is vitally important that we raise the awareness that something that is viewed as “normal” is terribly wrong. The film, “Bully,” does an excellent job of doing this. But we must go beyond this crucial step. We must also raise the awareness that there are very specific actions that people can take to alter the awful injustice we find in and around our schools, and to teach students, parents and educators alike what those actions are.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags "Bully" the Movie, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, conflict management, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, psychological maturity, respect, school buses, school hallways, wisdom

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DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 20, 2013
4 Comments on DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, to get us to think more deeply about dealing with insults, let’s discuss for few minutes what Jackie Robinson went through when he became the first black major leaguer.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

A few years ago, the movie, “42” came out.

The film beautifully develops the relationship between Reese and Robinson. At first, most of Robinson’s teammates reject him. “I’m not playing with any niggers!” cries one teammate. “If we let him play, pretty soon the team owners will be bringing up more of them, and they’ll be all taking our jobs!”

“But,” says Pee Wee Reese, “we always knew that if the owners could find someone who could do our jobs better than us then we’d be sent down to the minors. We always accepted that as fair when it was white guys who might take our jobs. Why is it any different just because of the color of a guy’s skin?”

“It just is,” came the reply, but with a voice a little less self-assured.

In time, Robinson’s approach to dealing with insults on the field acquired for him more and more sympathy. Of course there were times when the insults began to get to Robinson, but he would seek to deal with his anguish either in private, with Branch Rickey, or with his lovely wife. On the field he was all about showing what he could do, and it was sometimes disappointing and sometimes magnificent. There are always heroes in baseball, and Robinson glistened in that role on more than a few occasions.

Perhaps the finest moments in the movie come about just after we meet a father and son sitting in the seats of a Brooklyn Dodger game. When Pee Wee Reese is announced as the captain of the Dodgers, the fans in the seats, including this father and son duo, begin to cheer. The boy, a bit of a pee wee himself, tells his father that Reese is his favorite, all-time greatest player ever!

Then Jackie Robinson’s name is called, and he jogs on to the field with some supportive cries, but many, many insulting cries as well.

We then see a close-up of the father and son. The father cries out, “Get off the field you lousy nigger.” Others in the crowd cry out similar sentiments. And before long, the father’s son begins to shout, “Get off the field you lousy nigger!”

But it is at this moment, Reese, who was fielding ground balls at shortstop, pauses, then trots over to Robinson at first base. “How’s it going?” Reese says to Robinson, with a friendly smile.

We see the young boy in the stands, watching on, looking confused, as Reese continues to shoot the breeze in a friendly exchange with Robinson. When a wave of insults for Robinson comes from a portion of the stands, Reese puts his arm around Robinson, and continues to chat with him, smiling, patting him on the shoulder.

Then the umpire calls out to Reese, “This isn’t a social club, let’s play ball.” Reese again pats Robinson on his back, and then trots back to his position at shortstop.

Once again, we see the young boy, and he has now stopped calling Robinson insulting names.

And we see that soon afterwards most of his teammates begin to change their minds and to treat Robinson like a fellow human being.

In my recent blog posts, I’ve been discussing the ABCs of Power (see for example, (The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”). In the movie, “42”, we don’t see how Robinson worked to employ the very first source of power on The ABCs of Power list–Advancing skill. But there is no doubt that Robinson worked for years on becoming the star athlete that he became.

His skill at projecting the highest levels of maturity when criticized enormously increased the respect that he garnered during his day to day performance. History teaches us that it was Robinson’s use of these skills that secured for him the source of power known as Coalition, as he united with Branch Rickey, Pee Wee Reese, and ultimately, with his many fans, that turned a dream into a magnificent achievement.

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INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 9, 2013
2 Comments on INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Back in April of last year, in a post titled, WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?, we began to discuss the fact that when we provide negative criticism to others, they may feel insulted, they may feel that you feel they are not worthy of being liked, and they may feel that you are trying to push them to make some change that should be only for them to freely decide. They, therefore, may become defensive and their anger may become destructive.

Of course, it is not enough to just know that the desire to be liked and the desire to maintain freedom can lead to problems when we provide negative criticism–we also want to know what we can do to either prevent these problems or to resolve them when they come up. To develop these skills, I first presented a post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY. In later posts we began to look at a variety of very specific situations in which negative criticism is provided in a wise and helpful manner (see for example, DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE and DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON).

In order to learn these skills at a level at which it becomes second nature even in emotionally arousing situations, from time to time I will be returning to this topic. By providing a wide range of examples over an extended period of time, readers will become better and better at applying these skills. To this end, today, we will look at some new situations in which the use of these skills are considered.

PRACTICE USING THE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED

There are many people who don’t like to receive negative criticism. Some people, therefore, insist that if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, there are occasions when the risk of starting a conflict because of providing negative criticism does makes sense.

Let’s say I like Marie, and it is pretty clear she likes me. But there is one thing Marie does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting, name calling, and glares.

In this example, Marie hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I nevertheless decide that it’s worth a shot to confront her about the way she criticizes me because both of us may benefit from solving this problem. What might be a skillful way to go about providing her this negative criticism? Let me give you one approach to consider.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up a “liking” conflict, I might present my comments by first trying to find a time when we are alone and she appears to be pretty open and relaxed. Criticizing someone who is already distressed with feelings of being unloved is unwise because they are very likely to resist hearing you out.

When I do find the right time, I might say, “Marie, I sure like you a lot. You’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her. Then I gave her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

After I provide the criticism, it is crucial that I give Marie a chance to respond without interrupting her. I would wait until she is completely finished, and then summarize what she has said without a tone of defensiveness. After my summary, before making any additional points, I would see if she is satisfied with my summary. It seems to me it is essential that I do my best to show Marie I have fully listened to what she has to say on this topic.

Practice Using the Knowledge About the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Another approach to consider when we suspect someone might experience defensiveness when criticized is to empower the person who is the target of the criticism. Here’s an example:

“Hi Fred. Last time we got together we had quite an argument.”

“Yeah, you made some stupid suggestion.”

“I know you disagreed with it, Fred. I’ve been thinking a lot about these arguments. I think I get so into them that I start pushing you too hard to change your mind. It comes across as pushy and like I am getting in the way of your freedom to make your own decisions.”

“Yeah, it does come off as real pushy. You don’t know when to back off!”

“I understand. Well, I really value our friendship so I want to change that. I’d like to set up a couple of rules that I’m willing to agree to follow from now on. First, if I bring up a topic you don’t want to talk about, I’d like you to tell me you don’t want to talk about it. I promise I’ll silence myself immediately. Second, if we start getting into a discussion, at any point you have had enough, just say, “Enough!” and that will signal to me to drop the topic. Do you think that might help us to get along a little better?”

“Well, if you really do drop the topic when I tell you, it could help.”

“I’m determined to stick to my promise. If I can’t, it will be my fault. I’m sorry for being so pushy in the past.”

Notice how this plan puts at least some of the responsibility for the unwanted arguments between Fred and myself squarely on my shoulders. It also gives some power to Fred. It makes it clear to Fred that he now has a way to get me to back off when he no longer wants to engage. Also, I agree to follow these rules and admit that if I don’t follow them the fault rests with me.

Of course, if Fred were to signal to me that he wanted to drop a topic by using angry shouting, I might seek to change our plan a bit. I could explain to Fred that I have a hard time dealing with someone shouting at me. Then I can ask him to signal me to drop a topic by using some silent signal like a palm down wave of his hand. We call this “a silent back-off signal.”

The skill to empower those who have a tendency to become defensive when criticized is a powerful tool. It avoids unnecessary conflicts about freedom.

It Can be Challenging to Learn these Types of Skills to Deal with Criticism

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining.

In the above Sally Forth comic, Sally seems to desire to be helpful and yet she does something she knows will not be helpful. This one incident doesn’t mean she will never be able to make the change that makes sense to her. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to criticizing ourselves. In the following Luann comic, notice that Toni calls her mouth stupid while she criticizes herself.

Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are unchangeably bad. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

SUMMARY

Today we practiced using the knowledge about two major reasons why providing negative criticism can be difficult. The two major reasons are:

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we begin to recognize these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. If we like the person whom we are about to criticize, providing reassurance about our esteem, using some specific examples of what we like about the person, is a valuable skill to learn. For people who tend to get defensive when criticized, suggesting the use of a “silent back-off signal” can empower them to deal more effectively with criticism. To learn these skills so they can be used even during trying times takes time. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake along the way is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, second nature, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 19, 2013
3 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

In a recent post (Dealing with Criticism by Digging Deeper) I discussed some difficult situations that may occur when we deal with criticism. There, I mentioned that in these types of situations, it can be helpful to do our best to describe what the criticizer’s most obvious desire is for providing the criticism and then to look to see if there are any other desires that might be involved. To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important desires in a difficult situation, I provided readers with two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will.

a. look for the desire to be liked or loved.

b. look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision.

Today, we begin to get some practice utilizing these two shovels.

PRACTICE

Consider the following Dennis the Menace comic:

In this comic, obviously, Dennis’s mother desires that he straighten up his room. What other desires are important to consider? It appears to me that Dennis’s mother is glaring at him. Hmmm?

When a boy hears his mom criticizing him in this way, there’s a chance his desire to be liked will feel threatened. Is there also a chance that there is another important desire in this challenging situation?

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want, and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.

EASING THE LIKING PROBLEM

When the desire to be liked and loved raises its mischievous head, we can let the person who has been criticized know that he is liked. This is what Dennis’s friend, Gina, does to lower the intensity of Dennis’s anger in the comic.

When Gina tells Dennis that his mom will cry if he leaves, Dennis is reminded that his mom really does love him.

Then Gina explains to Dennis that not only will his mom miss him, so too will his dad and dog. Dennis ends up deciding to resolve his conflict and go back home. Gina helped to resolve the conflict by focusing on easing the “liking” problem in this conflict.

Now let’s consider what we can do to help to resolve the problems in this situation by focusing on easing the “freedom” problem.

EASING THE FREEDOM PROBLEM

In the Dennis the Menace comic, while criticizing him, his mom could have offered Dennis the freedom to choose between two times to pick up his room. More specifically, she could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By giving a child a choice, a parent can come off as less bossy.

To help to come up with these types of ideas, the one thing I tend to do before providing criticism is to pause. Recognizing that I am about to provide criticism, and knowing that people tend to get defensive about not being liked and having their freedom threatened, I think about how to ease any perceived threat to these two desires.

SUMMARY

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we learn to be skillful at recognizing these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. Therefore, in future posts I will be frequently providing examples that allows the reader to practice this skill.

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CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 17, 2012
2 Comments on CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET

If you have been following this blog, you will have noticed that for the past few weeks I have relied heavily on humor to teach some of the main principles of conflicts (see for examples, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE and INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.

But a blog such as this, if it is to be a source of wisdom, must keep the reader aware that although there is much humor in conflicts, there is tragedy as well. Comics typically emphasize the humor. To avoid completely losing our balance, we must, from time to time, directly take on serious themes. At such times, in the words from Shakespeare’s Henry the VIII’s prologue—

“I come no more to make you laugh; things now,

That bear a weighty and serious brow,

Sad, high, and working, full of state and woe…”

In the deepest heart of all of us there is a corner in which life just happens to work sadly. Any discussion of conflict cannot completely ignore this. Nevertheless, I will attempt to keep our forays into the profounder bass-notes of life fairly brief, and use humor as our main educational tool.

Assisting People to Deal with Conflicts

From time to time you will be asked to assist people with conflicts. A situation involving friends may erupt. Problems at school or work will naturally pop up on regular occasions.

You will find that as you begin to engage the parties involved in the conflict, some in the midst of it will angrily start to tell you what has been happening by going on and on until it begins to strain the patience of everyone listening. Others will speak of the conflict in such vague generalities that listeners are left scratching their heads.

In this blog post you will practice using a model to assist you in coming up with a description of a conflict in a few sentences that not only will prove helpful, but will also enhance your reputation.

Consider the following three pictures created by Lois Hubertz:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In the tragic comic above there are three pictures. Need I provide three thousand words to verbally describe them? What if I wanted to describe briefly the conflict they portray? To do so, I would be wise to first discuss with each of the parties what they view as causing the strife, and then after hearing them out, combine what I had learned with what I observe in the pictures.

Suppose that in my discussions I find out that the story of the two lovers in the first box and the two lovers in Shakespeare’s magnificent play, Romeo and Juliet are similar. As in the Shakespeare play, the lovers in the tragic comic are called Romeo and Juliet, and their families are terribly bitter with one another because of angry memories of previous conflicts.

After my information gathering, what if I attempted to briefly describe the conflict from Juliet’s point of view as follows:

Juliet desires to marry Romeo, but interfering with this, her father has made it clear to her that he does not want to give her the legally required permission. Although she recognizes that her father, if he were to consent, would be in hot water with the rest of their family, Juliet feels that he is guilty of being wrong because for her sake he should have the guts to stand up to them.

Are these sentences sufficient?

Obviously, compared to a Shakespeare play, my two-sentence summary, just like any two-sentence summary, must ignore the subtleties and related conflicts that are revealed by a fully crafted play. But there are many times when we can sufficiently grasp a situation without using a style of language that many find hard to grasp or by sitting down for hours to study an insightful narrative. Using an easy to learn pattern of constructing two sentences from each party’s perspective may very well serve to set the stage for the creation of a plan that will resolve the conflict at hand to the satisfaction of all the involved parties.

A Definition of Conflict

When we attempt to come up with a brief description of a conflict, it helps to have a good definition of the word “conflict” at hand. On this blog we will be using a definition derived from what I refer to as the DIG Conflict Model.

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

Party A desires an act will occur.
Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire.
Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third. If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

In earlier blog posts, I’ve described how to use the word DIG to help craft a brief summary of a conflict and we have practiced this method a few times as well (see, for example, DIG FOR THE CONFLICT). To get to be an expert at this method, it helps to review some of the ideas from time to time.

The conflict statement I used to describe the conflict Juliet is having with her father is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place–first the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A. Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is, Party A’s desire, the other party involved, and the act that is interfering with the desire. Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.

Why do we Bother to Break up the Concept of a Conflict?

So far, we have seen that the DIG Conflict Model breaks up the concept of a conflict into its three conflict conditions (desire, interference and guilt). In future blog posts we will find this helpful because some conflicts are confusing to understand all at once.

Very simple conflicts can be looked at as a single unit with little difficulty. However, more complicated conflicts will leave us scratching our heads. The skill to break up the conflict into its three conditions allows us to familiarize ourselves with smaller, more easily understandable parts. Then, when we join the parts together, the whole becomes easier to grasp.

Moreover, sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage. That is, one strategy to resolve a conflict we are struggling with is the following:

1. Look at each easier to understand part, either just the desire, or the interfering act or the guilt.

2. Think about making some change that will affect just that part.

3. Then think about how that change will impact the whole conflict.

By doing this, we frequently find a resolution that we would have otherwise missed if we kept wrestling with the entire conflict as one huge unit. In future blog posts we will see many examples of this.

Using the DIG Conflict Model in Real Conflicts

In a real conflict, after you do your best to summarize the conflict, it is important to check with the different people involved to see if they agree with you. As you discuss this with them, you will find that this often leads to those who are involved clarifying what the issues are. As you assist them in going through this process, there is an excellent chance that they will find this helpful. In time, people will come to respect you for this.

I know some of these ideas are new and you may feel confused about some of the issues I have been discussing. If you keep following this blog, you will get more and more comfortable with these ideas. In time, you’ll see more clearly how helpful they can be.

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, insults, maturity, psychological maturity, threats, wisdom

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CONFLICT: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 3, 2012
2 Comments on CONFLICT: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

In an early post on this blog I discussed the fact that often the reason why people might call you a name, insult or tease you is that they have a conflict with you (see the posts titled DIG FOR THE CONFLICT, CONFLICTS AND FRUSTRATION, and SUMMARIZE AND DELAY).

For many of us, as soon as we see that someone has a conflict with us, we get defensive, and perhaps we might shout out something like, “How dare you speak that way to me!” or “You’re a stupid idiot!”

When you become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, rather than becoming defensive, the first thing you do is to let the person who has a conflict with you know you care that he or she is upset. Then you artfully summarize the conflict that has led to the disrespectful behavior even when you are being insulted. You can learn to do this, but it takes some practice. With the help of our comic strip friends, we can learn this skill while having some fun as we go about doing so.

We’ll begin by reviewing what a conflict is, then discuss the plan to summarize a conflict, and then we’ll practice using this plan by looking at comics that depict a conflict.

What is a Conflict?

In the above Peanuts comic, despite Peppermint Patty’s delightful attempt to convince the teacher to raise her grade, the teacher won’t bend. Do you think Peppermint Patty has, at any point in this comic, a conflict with her teacher? How do you define a conflict?

Some of my students respond to these two questions by saying something like,

When people are upset about something they have a conflict. When they aren’t upset anymore, BINGO, the conflict is resolved. Peppermint Patty seems to be upset about her grade, especially in the next to last scene. Therefore she has a conflict with her teacher.

In the very last scene, Peppermint Patty still doesn’t look happy, but perhaps the teacher’s comment praising her oratory skills has lifted her spirits enough so that she is no longer upset. If so, does this mean her conflict has been resolved?

I get mixed answers to this question.

Some of my students, when thinking about the meaning of conflict, talk about someone getting in the way of someone else’s desire. If Peppermint Patty feels her teacher is getting in the way of her desire to get a higher grade, she has a conflict with her teacher. Saying “getting in the way of someone’s desire” is the same as saying “interfering” with someone’s desire.

Still others emphasize guilt—if Peppermint Patty believes her teacher is guilty of doing something wrong, she has a conflict with her.

When I say I have a conflict I mean that I have a desire, I believe that someone is likely to do something that interferes with my desire, and I believe that someone would be guilty of doing something wrong if the person does interfere with my desire.

When I have a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what I DESIRE in this situation,

conflict desire — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

what is INTERFERING with my desire,

conflict interfare — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

and why I believe someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

conflict guilt — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I see conflicts as types of triangles.

PRACTICE

conflict library — **“I’m not kidding around anymore, Mrs. Snyder–you have our book, we have your son!”**

Let’s pretend that you are Mrs. Snyder, the mother of this tied up boy, and you get this phone call from this librarian. Let’s call the librarian, Ms Jones. You feel that the way Ms Jones is shouting at you is disrespectful. But instead of shouting back at her, you decide to first let her know in a caring way that you understand that she is upset. Then you summarize the conflict. If you will, please utilize the word DIG to remind you of the words, desire, interfering and guilt. Then come up with a statement that you would say to the librarian that includes a brief description of the conflict to her in two or three sentences. After you give this a try, compare your statement to mine.

Here’s my statement to the librarian:

I can hear that you are very upset, Ms Jones. I think I understand your conflict with us. You desire to get the library’s book back. Interfering with your desire, my son has not returned the book and you feel that he is guilty of being wrong for not returning it. Is that correct?

This type of statement takes less then a minute of your time. It helps both you and the other party in the conflict to clarify what the conflict is all about. You will find that many times you think you know what the conflict is all about, but it turns out that you missed something very important. By presenting your summary statement in the form of a question, you give the other party a chance to clarify what all of the issues are.

Now, when the librarian indicates that she has a conflict with you, you may be tempted to bring up a conflict that you have with her. For example, if you are Mrs. Snyder, you might feel that you have a desire that Ms. Jones speak to you in tones indicating respect. Interfering with this desire, you feel her shouting is disrespectful. You feel she is guilty of being disrespectful. In most situations you would be wise to put this secondary conflict on hold until the first conflict that came up is worked on for a bit, and then some time has passed until the sea of conflict has calmed. We’ll look at some exceptions to this rule in future posts.

Let’s try another one:

In this comic, if you will, make believe you are Peppermint Patty. See if you can come up with a statement to Marcie that summarizes Marcie’s conflict with you. Try to make it consistent with the DIG Conflict Model. Then compare it to mine.

Here’s the statement I came up with:

Marcie, I can see you are really upset with me. Let me see if I understand the reason why. When you lend something to me, you desire that I return it. I’ve been interfering with your desire when I’ve borrowed quite a few things from you and I haven’t returned them. You feel that I am guilty of being wrong to keep doing this. It that right?

To come up with my statement, I first tried to come up with something that showed Marcie that I cared that she was upset. If this was a real situation, I would make sure that when I said the first sentence in my statement, I looked at least two seconds into Marcie’s eyes in a caring way and I used a tone of voice designed to let her know I am concerned about what is going on. As I continued to design my statement, I thought to myself that I have to DIG for the conflict. Then the letters in the word “dig” reminded me to try to find Marcie’s desire, what she thinks I have done to interfere with her desire, and what she thinks I’m guilty of doing wrong. Notice that I ended my statement with a question that invites Marcie to correct anything I might have said that she thinks is wrong.

Let’s try one more.

Pretend, if you will, that you are Linus. Keep in mind that when someone is angry with you, as Lucy is, it’s probably not the best time to discuss philosophy. See if instead of the comments Linus makes in the comic, you can summarize the conflict Lucy has with you by utilizing the DIG Conflict Model. Then you can compare it to mine.

Here’s my statement to Lucy:

Lucy, I can see you’re upset with me. Let me make sure I understand why. You desire that I not tear any covers off of comic magazines. I interfered with this by tearing the cover off of the magazine in your hand. You feel I’m guilty of being stupid. Is that right?

To be effective, I have to make sure that I say the first sentence in this statement while looking squarely into Lucy’s eyes and I use a tone of voice that expresses that I care about the fact that she is upset. If you are not sure about how to express that tone of voice, consider making an appointment with an acting coach. Just a single lesson usually is enough to teach you all that is required to master this important skill.

The key words that identify the three conditions of a conflict.

When using DIG to remind you of the three components of a conflict, it’s important to know some related words for “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” because when you are involved in a conflict it helps to vary your statements.

When individuals have a “desire” that some act will occur, they sometimes say they “want,” “need,” or “have a goal to achieve” it;
An act that “interferes” with another act “prevents,” “obstructs,” “gets in the way,” “is incompatible,” “injures,” or in some other way makes it less likely or less effective.
Someone who is “guilty,” is often said to be “responsible,” or is to “blame” for the behavior. Or we feel that the guilty party “should have not done” the behavior, or that the person did something “wrong.”

Keep this in mind when you summarize a conflict. By doing so, you will come to realize that you don’t always have to use the words “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” in your summary statement. You can just use the word DIG to remind you of what to look for, but you can use other words to describe the three components of a conflict. In this way, your summary statements can be created in a way that sound better to your ear.

Well, there’s your lesson for today. I understand that there is more to resolving a conflict than the art of showing caring and summarizing the conflict. We’ll get to all of the crucial skills necessary to resolve conflicts in future blog posts.

In time you will find that the skill of summarizing a conflict is enormously helpful. If you continue to follow this blog, you’ll meet up with some more practice sessions. Eventually you will find that you can summarize a conflict as smoothly as you can name the people in your home. And when you get that smooth at doing so, you’ll find that people in your community will come to have a higher respect for you.

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Tags anger, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, insults, maturity, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, wisdom

anger conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence happiness Hope negative criticism threats wisdom

ANGER AS AN EMOTION

Recently I provided a post titled, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE. There we chiefly focused on the variety of anger expressions.

Anger, in addition to being viewed as something that we express, is also viewed as an emotion. To deeply understand the nature of anger we must understand what emotions are.

The Four Basic Emotions

There are four basic emotions. Two of them, hope and happiness, are positive emotions.

emotions1 — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

The other two, threat and grieving, are negative emotions.

emotions2 — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Although threat and grieving are referred to as negative emotions, they are not necessarily bad emotions. They actually can be very helpful in some situations. And although hope and happiness are referred to as positive emotions, they are not necessarily good emotions. Although they can be very helpful in some situations, they can make a mess of things as well.

Each of the emotions gives us a shot of energy to deal with some important moments in our lives. The positive emotions can help us to deal with positive moments and negative emotions can help us to deal with negative moments. To understand this a little better, let’s take a look at a quick story.

The Story of Alexandra

Alexandra is seventeen and an excellent swimmer.

emotions 5 — Illustration by Eric Sailer

She is fully confident that she has the skills necessary to use her legs and arms in a coordinated way that will enable her to reach the surface of the water in time to avoid drowning.

Because of her confidence about her swimming skills, Alexandra doesn’t experience any emotion about her swimming. There is a mild, pleasant feeling that she has when she swims, but this is different than what I will mean when I refer to an emotional experience. For sure, there are some feelings that we have during an emotional experience, but they are stronger than other feelings.

Because Alexandra is so confident that her swimming skills can deal with anything she will have to deal with while swimming, Alexandra can carry out her skills without much thought. This permits Alexandra to free her attention from staying completely focused on her swimming. Her thoughts begin to drift away from her swimming to events that happened in her past.

“That boy I met yesterday at the ice cream store was real cute!” she recalls. She then begins to think about what she has in store for her when she returns to school after the weekend.

Some of these thoughts that are drifting around in her head do lead to some emotional reactions. “Mrs. Smothers might yell at me in front of the whole class because I didn’t do well on my science test!” her thoughts cry out. This threatens her desire to be treated with respect. Her heart begins to pound as she begins to focus more intensely on this, and she is now experiencing the emotion of threat.

Suddenly Alexandra finds her foot has become entangled in sea plants.

This is a dramatic change in what she had expected to occur while she went about her swim. Recognizing a threat, Alexandra’s attention shifts rapidly away from the images of what might happen at school to what is going on in her present physical world where she is swimming. At the same time, she begins to experience an emotion about what is currently happening to her.

Alexandra’s emotion is serving the function of giving her an extra burst of energy, and she uses it to begin to carry out the fight-or-flight response. This is serving the function of trying to keep her alive. First, she says to herself, “If I don’t get free, this could turn out bad!” While saying this she tries to take flight from the grip of the plants and experiences the emotion of fear. Her effort fails. She then turns angry as her thoughts cry out, “Let go of me you stupid plants!” And with that, her legs fight against the grip of the plants by giving a violent yank, thus tearing her free.

She now feels hopeful that she can reach the surface and breathe safely, but her hopeful emotion keeps her extra focused on what is happening in case there are any more problems that may spring up.

When Alexandra reaches the surface, happiness wells up in her as she takes her first breath in beautiful safety.

Story Interpretation

In this story we get an introduction to what people do when they are NOT experiencing an emotion about something that is currently happening to them. Here’s the idea in a nutshell: Oftentimes we go on automatic pilot. That is, when we develop enough confidence that the desires we hope to achieve in the near future can be achieved by a set of skills that are already well practiced, we may set them in motion, freeing our attention for other matters.

Alexandra, at the beginning of our story, has a desire to safely get some exercise and to achieve this she goes for a swim. She has done this often enough in this area that she is confident enough that nothing will go wrong. Thus, early on during her swim, she does not experience any emotion regarding her swim.

The story makes a distinction between emotion and feeling. The touch of the water can be pleasant to some, and to others, unpleasant. Emotions, as I define them, do have feelings that accompany them. Emotions involve a distinctly stronger charge of energy than feelings in general. This stronger charge of energy is most easily observed by the quickened pace of our heartbeat. The extra energy permits us to stay focused on the situation that triggers the emotion and to carry out far more work than the more gentle states that tend to produce a rather quick smile or frown.

With the energy that is freed up when Alexandra utilizes her automatized swimming skills, she begins to think of other desires besides getting her exercise in for the day. What she thinks about while exploring her memories and anticipations of future events in her imagination may lead to an emotion just as much as what she meets in the present physical world.

Another aspect of automatized skills that this story introduces is the idea that as we use them, we are still appraising the environment in case we notice an important change in what we are expecting. Appraising means evaluating or assessing. We are not always aware that this appraisal is going on, but we realize its existence each time we suddenly notice something unexpected and find our attention drawn to it.

In the story, Alexandra suddenly notices her foot is caught in the plants and she is not expecting this to happen. This is a change in what she is expecting to happen as she goes about her swim. She evaluates this change as threatening her desire for safety. Alexandra uses her burst of energy to carry out some skills that set her free.

One set of skills that she uses is to cry out in her mind, “Let go of me you stupid plants!” At this point, Alexandra is experiencing anger. Because Alexandra is under water, she cannot scream these words out loud, but under normal conditions, she probably would.

If it was an animal or a person who had hold of her leg, Alexandra’s screams might have scared away the attacker. Or her screams might have been heard by friends who could have come to her rescue. And so, under some sets of circumstances, the angry screams could have helped to save her life, but not under water. Instead, Alexandra’s skill to violently yank her foot away from the grip of the plant saves her.

In this blog, whenever people are experiencing the basic emotion of threat and then they either give off a signal that a fight might occur at any second, or they actually begin to fight, they experience anger. In last week’s blog post when we saw our comic strip friends displaying such actions as glaring, waving their fingers, shouting, insulting, or baring their teeth, they were giving off signals that a fight might soon occur.

A threat to any desire can lead to the basic emotion of threat. Examples are a desire to be liked, to be treated with respect and to be free to make our own choices.

In the story of Alexandra, when she becomes angry her actions end up saving her life. As helpful as anger can be in certain types of situations, it can often make a situation worse. Moreover, even when helpful, anger still may not be the best response choice. To become wise, you must learn to recognize when to use anger, when to replace it with something better, and how to prepare yourself so that you can skillfully carry out more optimal plans even under highly threatening conditions. By following this blog, you will learn these very skills.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, happiness, hope, insults, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, violence, wisdom