Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
As some of you may know, my previous post is titled, “Bragging Versus Helpful Self-Promotion.” In discussing this topic, a friend of mine asked, “Why didn’t you bring up in the post, Donald Trump, since he is the perfect example of a braggart?” Although I have taken pains to make the case in this blog that we are better off avoiding name calling when providing criticism, I found myself thinking about the question just as it was asked.
My first thought was that using a president as an example of someone who brags too much is a bit tricky because when they run for office, and when they give the annual State of the Union Address, it is perfectly acceptable that they promote what they view are their accomplishments. All presidents during my lifetime have done so, and of course they have speech writers who help to frame such self-promotion in a manner that comes off as eloquent and likable. And then, as I thought about this more, some things Trump has said over the years does seem to take legitimate self-promotion well into the realm of downright, way over the top, bragging.
The example that came to me first, was his claim that he had the wisdom to oppose the Iraq war when some of his political opponents voted to support it. This example was striking because it is one thing to brag about something that people know is true, it is another thing to brag about something that is demonstrably false. In this case, there was a video recording of Trump supporting the war during the same period as his opponents were supporting it.
Then there is his more recent bragging that he beat Joe Biden in the presidential election by a landslide. Over and over again, Trump kept making this claim even after official counts had Biden winning by over seven million votes. 
All of the states, including largely Republican ones, had certified their results, and Trump’s hand picked Attorney General declared Trump’s claims of widespread fraud were not true. Making this brag even more horrendous is that Trump didn’t stop even when it became clear that it was leading to numerous death threats to election officials, and credible sources were relating serious concerns that his rhetoric was inciting white supremacy groups to violence.
This, and numerous other incidents of Trump bragging led me to delve into this topic some more. And then I wondered what would happen if I asked Google in its search bar–Is Donald Trump a Braggart? Let’s take a look at the results.
My Google Search
The first thing I noticed from my search was that there is about 876,000 hits. This seemed to be a lot, but to check if this was unusual for recent presidents, I did the same search for the president who served right before Trump, and then for the current president. Here are those results:
Barack Obama, about 46,600 hits
Joe Biden, about 110,000 hits
Thus, I found that Trump had hundreds of thousand more hits than the two other recent presidents when a search is made in this way.
As I looked over the hits that came up, not just the total number, but the general comments that appeared in each hit, even writers who voted for Trump viewed him as a braggart. Here’s one such example:
I admit that Trump is the least presidential president that we have ever had; he is an egotistical, loudmouth braggart and he has the ability to offend at least 50% of the country every time he opens his mouth.
But then the author defends supporting Trump by claiming that Biden is a socialist, and nothing that Trump has ever done can be worse for the country than electing a socialist.
Now, it is a fact that every president at least since FDR has supported some socialist policies, such as public schools, social security, and unemployment benefits, including Trump. 
What made this writer think Biden is a socialist, while Trump is not, apparently has to do with Biden advocating that everyone have access to affordable health care and the minimum wage should be raised to $15 an hour. If you think this makes Biden a socialist, while Trump provides welfare to the rich, you are free to decide so, but that is irrelevant to the question before us today–whether or not Trump is a particularly good example of a braggart. As I read over many of the comments I came upon as a result of my internet search, clearly there is wide spread agreement that the answer is affirmative.
What Are The most Characteristic Points Made On The Internet About Trump And Bragging?
Trump has repeatedly claimed he is a genius. For numerous observers, this falls into the category of dubious claims. To take one example, Michael Wolff, referring to numerous interviews he had with people who worked closely with Trump, revealed “everyone around the president questioned his mental capacity, ability to read reports, overall intelligence and fitness for office.”
Another writer, Tony O’Malley, wrote,
[Trump] was elected because enough of us believed him when he said he knew more about ISIS than the generals, knew more about taxes than the economists, that he was loved by women, Hispanics and African-Americans, etc. (Almost all his boasts are either patently untrue or simply not provable.)
In an article published in The Atlantic, titled “Braggart in Chief,” the author asks, “Why did Donald Trump last week reveal highly classified, potentially life-endangering, intelligence to Russia’s foreign minister?” His conclusion– It was because of his “incessant need to prove how important and successful he is.”
So, what are the major characteristics of Trump’s style of bragging that led to many viewing him as a braggart?
Bragging about things that are easily proven false;
Bragging about things that come off as completely implausible;
Bragging about things that are simply not provable;
Bragging about things that lead to threats and violence.
Some Concluding Remarks
One thing that we can learn from today’s discussion is that a person can brag so much that it becomes viewed as a negative characteristic for many, and yet still have a number of successes in life. Trump has had, undeniably, a number of successes. How can this be?
Some excuse his bragging because supporting him is viewed by them as better than some alternative. Some see themselves as bragging like Trump, and like to see someone with similar characteristics to them as a great success. And then there are some very gullible people out there who will believe even the most implausible claims.
As for me, one of the biggest influences on my ability to have some forethought when it comes to bragging was meeting a couple of people that displayed a degree of humbleness. I came to admire this. Both appeared comfortable about their shortcomings, and although both had some skills in a few areas, rather than bragging about them, they let their performance speak for themselves. I soon found myself modeling their style, and each time I was tempted to exaggerate something about myself, I found I could catch myself beforehand, and pretty often I chose a less prideful path.
So, there you have it, some of my thoughts on the question, “Is Trump a perfect example of a braggart? I hope you find it provides some food for thought when considering how best to turn insults into respect. Have a great week, and please join us again real soon.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
While working on this post, I happened to be listening to Bob Dylan’s song, “False Profit,” which appears on his new album, Rough and Rowdy Ways. A couple of its lines suddenly caught my attention:
Bob’s lyrics leave a lot to each listener’s imagination, which is true of many of his songs. Therefore, I don’t mean to suggest my interpretation of “False Prophet” is the only proper one. But I humbly invite you to join me to to see if my very personal reaction might be of value.
These lines returned me to when Bob began his musical career. Taken by his songs that so captured the pulse of events that were unfolding during the 1960s, some began to say he was a prophet. There are several definitions of a prophet, so let’s take a quick look at them:
When Bob was asked in a 1965 interview about those who were saying he was a prophet, he laughed and said humbly, “I’m just a song and dance man.” But this didn’t stop many who began to treat him as a kind of holy messenger, and some with this bent of mind began showing up at his home as if they were participating in a religious pilgrimage. Bob tried to disabuse people of such notions, but at the same time, he wanted to promote his career, and to express his emotions, feelings, and personal views in his musical art form. 
These lines delineate some of the values that Bob has railed against, and upon revealing them in his songs, it has led to his being attacked, and such attacks has led him to go to a very lonely place. It seems to me, in this verse, Bob doesn’t claim to have prophetic powers for the values that he holds, rather, he tells us, “I just know what I know.”
Here, Bob seems to be saying, “I’m not claiming to be better than anyone else, but I am claiming no one is inherently better than me. And people who do claim to be better than me, are greedy, and when they die and get buried, I prays for their souls.”
My interpretation of these lines is that for those claiming he is a false prophet, they are seeing something that really doesn’t exist. He then tries to cool their anger, and perhaps his own anger as well, with the calming imagery of a cool breeze and some pleasant experiences in a garden.
Give a listen to his tender song, “Girl From the North Country” as an example of Bob expressing feelings that are in utter contrast to the angry fellow we hear in “False Prophet.”
I’m sorry I can’t be with you in person, but please know that I am most definitely with you in spirit and honored to be receiving such a prestigious prize. Being awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature is something I never could have imagined or seen coming. From an early age, I’ve been familiar with and reading and absorbing the works of those who were deemed worthy of such a distinction: Kipling, Shaw, Thomas Mann, Pearl Buck, Albert Camus, Hemingway. These giants of literature whose works are taught in the schoolroom, housed in libraries around the world and spoken of in reverent tones have always made a deep impression. That I now join the names on such a list is truly beyond words.
People engage in self-promotional behavior because they want others to hold favorable images of them. Self-promotion, however, entails a trade-off between conveying one’s positive attributes and being seen as bragging. We propose that people get this trade-off wrong because they erroneously project their own feelings onto their interaction partners. As a consequence, people overestimate the extent to which recipients of their self-promotion will feel proud of and happy for them, and underestimate the extent to which recipients will feel annoyed (Experiments 1 and 2). Because people tend to promote themselves excessively when trying to make a favorable impression on others, such efforts often backfire, causing targets of self-promotion to view self-promoters as less likeable and as braggarts (Experiment 3).
Because bragging is rarely viewed as a positive characteristic, in general, I recommend that anytime you are tempted to reveal some information about one of your fine accomplishments or attributes, pause for a few seconds. During the pause, ask yourself how your statement might be received.
There are people you will meet who claim everything they do is perfect, even better than perfect, just stupendously superb. This can get pretty tiresome, and if the person doing the bragging is someone you care about, it can be hurting her or his reputation.
I’d be a little nervous trying this one. I’m pretty sure some will see through the subterfuge and recognize I’ve tired of the person blowing her or his own horn.
I hope all of you are having a fine holiday season. This, of course, is the time of year when the longing for peace on Earth and good will to all is beautifully expressed in songs and stories.
For example, during the American Civil War, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote a poem titled “Christmas Bells.” It begins with pleasant images of the season, but then the reality of the war sets in:
In the earliest period that humans thrived, they were chiefly hunters and gatherers. At that time, it has been estimated that death came as a result of one person killing another about twenty percent of the time. Evidence for this was obtained by looking at the skeletons from that period. Quite often we find fractured skulls and arrowheads embedded in chest cavities.
Another dramatic decrease occurred around the Age of Reason and the European Enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries. The invention of the printing press had made pamphlets and books far more readily available, spreading humanistic values throughout the human population. That era saw the first organized movements to abolish slavery, dueling, judicial torture, superstitious killings, sadistic punishment, and cruelty to animals.
Today, the major parts of the world that are most violent prone are at the same psychological developmental level as the largely Christian southern states were just about when the American Civil War began. Let us compare, for example, the highly violent group known as ISIS with that bloody period of American history. The confederate southern states had, like ISIS has today, an ideology that slavery is ok, and outsiders (the northern states) were actively interfering with what they believed is right. Moreover, the confederate states used quotations from their holy book to defend their beliefs and to justify going to war to protect their ideology in a way that is similar to how ISIS utilizes sections of their holy book.
After abolishing slavery, England continued for about a hundred years to use violent force to maintain its hold on colonial labor, but Mahatma Gandhi effectively used nonviolent resistance to put an end to colonial rule. Soon afterwards, colonialism began to end elsewhere.
There are some credible reasons for supporters of the most violent regions of the Earth to feel that there has been an ongoing effort to force them to do whatever is in the interest of the US and its allies. Years before the creation of ISIS, for example, meddling in Middle East affairs occurred by the US’s CIA. Then came the US invasion of the largely Muslim inhabited Afghanistan and Iraq countries.
With regards to responding to regions that continue to enslave people, the US would use nonviolent approaches such as boycotting any goods or services that might fund the violent group’s operations, along with boycotting any country or enterprise that does business with such violent groups, while offering a vision for engaging in peaceful commerce as described in step 4.
Therefore, the US would launch an all out peaceful advocacy effort to have the United Nations offer to fund a constitutional convention for all of the stakeholders in the regions where violent groups are operating. Those violent groups’ representatives would be invited to be central players, and incentives to participate would be provided. UN Peace Keepers would be employed throughout the convention period to help decrease the likelihood that some would seek to violently sabotage such efforts.
Professor Steven Pinker provides evidence in his book, 
And in fact, many believe that it is this set of challenges that is the main cause of the region’s violence problems. In mid-day much of these regions are often so hot it could make the Dalai Lama ignite in irritability. Large sections of these regions are as parched as the moon’s surface. But the regions do have some natural resources. For example, they tend to have plentiful sunshine. Nevertheless, they remain rather poor in contrast to the more developed countries.
Professor Pinker notes that prior to the invention of the printing press there were very few books available. Those people who lived in the upper classes rarely had much direct contact with the lower classes. A nobleman’s quick glance while passing by a downtrodden worker often merely left the impression of a filthy, smelly soul, hardly human at all. After novels became available, a nobleman might read of a poor young woman pressed into very sad circumstances by a cruel person of the upper classes, and discover tears running down his cheeks. Discovering that people all over the world, in all classes, and other religions have very similar desires, dreams, and feelings that we can all relate to, increases empathy and the desire to deal with a wider range of humanity in kind and respectful ways.
So, how would we get these kinds of stories before those who are in groups prone to violence? At the two types of conventions I mentioned above that would be funded by the United Nations (constitutional and commerce) short, readable, relatable books would be freely provided that convey these heartwarming stories. International funding for public libraries for regions too poor to provide for them on their own would be provided. Moreover, there are ways to make these types of stories particularly accessible on internet sites that violent groups tend to visit, not only in written form, but also in audio-visual forms as well. And instead of the steady dropping of bombs in regions occupied by violent groups, an international coalition could drop little parachuted packages that include a little tasty healthy treat, a little toy or stuffed animal as a gift to the children, an interesting puzzle that adults would enjoy doing, and the type of stories that I have just described.
Interestingly, even if Andy deliberately tried to punish her by acting rude, if Marsha didn’t react by feeling humiliated or wounded, with the definition that I’m currently considering, I would say that he did not insult her.
“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.
“Well, Judy, I didn’t mean to be discourteous or rude. I certainly am not trying to do anything that tears you down–just the opposite.”
“Now, during my training on how to help people with this type of concern, I had professors who viewed themselves as developmental psychologists. These professors view people as going through different developmental stages or levels, moving from relatively immature levels to more mature levels. They didn’t merely name each level, they did their best to go beyond the name to describe each higher level so that people, if they chose to do so, could have enough information to make some life changes.
For example, one approach would have you stop reading my blog, and when you visit my office I’ll listen to you in a caring, supportive way. From time to time, I’ll ask you a few questions to challenge you to think more deeply about the issues that you are raising. When you reply, I won’t give you my opinion. Instead, I’ll listen and empathize with what you are experiencing.”
“All right, Judy. Another thing that we can try is this. Some people, when they are provided negative criticism, always feel insulted even when the criticism is provided without any name calling, insults and shouting. Other people, even when they are provided negative criticism with name calling, insults and shouting don’t feel insulted. Attempts to insult them are like water off of a duck’s back. These people can hear the negative criticism that comes with efforts to humiliate and wound their feelings, and they can seek to learn something from the criticism. Sometimes they do experience some strong emotions that arise when they hear the negative criticism, but this is experienced not as humiliation, but, instead, as an experience that helps them to come up with more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments. If you want, over the next few weeks we can work on this.”
As I write this post, Election Day, with all of its turbulence, has now passed us by. Perhaps now is a good time for us to take some deep calming breaths and reflect on all that transpired.
We knew beyond doubt that our president was an inveterate liar, a business cheat, and a bully, but the debate last week proved that he refuses to adhere to any rules, even those upon which he has himself agreed. Those who counted say he interrupted 71 times in 90 minutes. That should not come as a surprise, since he does not appear to respect any of the laws that everyone else is expected to obey, including our Constitution. Talk about a lack of law and order.
With regard to the environment issue, Trump has repeatedly claimed scientists are perpetuating a hoax when they tell us that urgent action is needed to transition from fossil fuels to renewable sources of energy such as wind and solar. My guess is that rather than really believing this is a hoax, Trump promoted it because of how crucial he viewed winning Pennsylvania was for his chances to be elected.
The Keystone State obtains huge economic benefits from its fracking industry, which is a technique that draws the fossil fuel of natural gas from deep below the Earth’s surface. To move forward on a transition plan threatens the livelihood of many state citizens, and consequently, anyone supporting such a plan risks losing a significant number of votes.
I will explain my reasons for this guess shortly, but let’s just pretend, for the benefit of this exercise, that it is true that Trump does respect science but his desire to hold onto the presidency is of greater importance to him. If you were convinced that Trump chose holding on to the presidency over protecting the health and safety of human beings by avoiding further damage to the environment, would that influence how much respect you have for him? How much would it influence you?
In the articles that I came upon in my search, much of the argument that claims Trump does not respect science comes from his statements that contradicted or undermined the pandemic recommendations from science experts within and outside his own administration. Also, in complete contradiction to scientific evidence, he has repeatedly told the American people that the end of the virus’s spread was just around the corner, and continued to do so even as it was increasingly plain to all that the virus was spreading at alarming rates. Nevertheless, as I indicated in the previous section, I doubt that these public statements of Trump are really indicative of his true feelings. Here’s why.
First of all, on Bob Woodward’s tape recordings, Trump repeatedly admitted, based on the information he received from his expert scientists, just how deadly and contagious the virus is. Thus, on February 7 he told Woodward the disease is “deadly stuff.” In an April 5 interview with Woodward, Trump explained, “It moves rapidly, Bob. It moves rapidly and viciously. If you’re the wrong person and if it gets you, your life is pretty much over if you’re in the wrong group.” During his April 13 interview with Woodward, Trump told the journalist that the virus is “so easily transmissible, you wouldn’t even believe it.”
With regard to his financial interests, it is well known that Trump is heavily invested in hotels around the world. When Trump heard about the pandemic from his advisors, when he asked about what needed to be done to contain it, he was told that the public has to stay home and only leave their homes for absolutely essential reasons. This is not at all good news for someone in Trump’s financial situation. And keep in mind, he has repeatedly faced bankruptcy, a pretty awful experience, especially for someone who hates the image of a loser.
Although Trump claims he has been playing down the seriousness of the virus because he doesn’t want to cause a panic, this is implausible. If he was in a reasonable state of mind, he would have known the general public would hear from plenty of experts an accurate account of the risks that are involved.
The most plausible reason to me is because many of his base supporters delight in claiming the news is fake. We see them at his rallies throwing up their arms in jubilation each time he mentions the “awful lying fake media.” Many of them, just like him, are in denial about the dangers of the pandemic because a full shut down of nonessential businesses has terrible consequences for their own businesses, and the thought of not partying at bars is, to them, completely unacceptable.
For this part of today’s exercise, I’d like you to rate Trump’s style of responding to criticism. To help guide you in coming up with your rating, below is one model that describes five different responding to criticism styles. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by a wide group of individuals who watched video recordings depicting different people displaying the five different styles.
Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without using any of the higher level skills
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.
For this part of today’s exercise, I’d like you to rate Trump’s style of providing criticism. As I did when I asked you to rate his style of responding to criticism, to help guide you in coming up with your rating, below is one model that describes five different styles placed in order from the least respected to the most respected.
Well, there you have it, an exercise designed to deepen your idea about the nature of respect. As I mentioned above, you are of course free to create your own conceptualization of respect according to your own lights. Nothing that I’ve said throughout this exercise is designed to be presented in a dogmatic fashion.
As regular readers to this blog know, when I want to take a few minutes to enrich a topic, I often look to see if Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan explored this topic on one of his Theme Time Radio Hour shows. This has worked well, for his show is so much fun, and I receive a great deal of positive feedback whenever I do this.
Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour. Put the apples away for we’re not trying to keep the doctors away this week. A matter of fact we’re gonna invite them in, ‘cause for the next hour, we’re gonna discuss that noble occupation of the followers of Hippocrates. 
The first song Bob plays for us is “Dear Doctor,” by the Rolling Stones. It’s about a guy none too happy about getting married. Here’s some of the lyrics:
This connection between doctors and God comes about, I think, from the association of both apparently being capable of performing miracles. A “miracle” is a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency. But, is it wise to put doctors on the same level as God? Is that too much respect to put on anyone? Hmmmm.
The first doctors can be seen in ancient cave paintings, some of them thousands of years old. They show men in animal masks performing ritual dances. 
From Bob’s little history, we see that for many centuries, healing was often bound up with religious practices. Healers would seek to draw upon the favors of their God or Gods using a variety of rituals.
I swear by Apollo Healer, by Asclepius, by Hygieia, by Panacea, and by all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will carry out, according to my ability and judgment, this oath and this indenture.
If push comes to shove, and you find yourself wanting to find someone who could do what the doctor couldn’t, here’s “The Five Blind Boys From Mississippi” doing “You Done What the Doctor Couldn’t do.” 
Everyone will give you different medical advice. People tell you what to eat, what medicine to take, how to avoid illness, how to cure illness. But if you want to know the truth for me is that we’re all gonna go. All you can do is try to make it as interesting as possible.
Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we take a close look at one reason some folks have a low level of respect for people who are viewed as having a mental illness–the belief that such people are avoiding responsibilities.
One has to do with the fact that some people at a gut level look down upon anyone who acts a little different than the norm. The other is the belief that people labelled mentally ill are prone to be violent. In actuality, the vast number of these people are not any more violent than the average Joe or Jill (see 
Many years have gone by since James wrote that letter, and yet I have found it just as relevant in our own time. In recent years I have become acquainted with many who become angry at any suggestion regarding the value of seeking within, and to be open from others, for suggestions on how they may actively deal with these types of concerns. Rather, they choose to passively respond to what they view as a mental illness, while insisting that something like the “Powers of the Universe” is the only thing that could secure them. Although “The Powers of the Universe” sometimes is viewed by them as some religious figure, more and more in today’s world, filling this role are often psychiatrists prescribing drugs.
Approximately 2 million individuals classified as having a mental illness manage to receive Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI). Some find this infuriating. I have personally heard many folks make remarks such as, “These recipients should go to work like the rest of us, damn it!”
The only reasonable proposal that I have heard to address this type of attack on responsibility is “Universal Basic Income” (see 
People who feel guilty typically seek to punish themselves by either throwing insults at themselves, or actually physically hurting themselves. In contrast, taking responsibility for one’s anxiety and grief, in my opinion, involves welcoming these two experiences, kind of like you might a friend, for these experiences enrich our lives if handled responsibly. If you have something more pressing to take care of for a short period of time, it can make sense to gently delay your interaction with whatever anxiety and grief you have to deal with until a more convenient time. However, the responsible thing to do is to soon invite these experiences back so you can spend some time to work through these types of concerns. Daily meditation, quiet walks, and journal writing, are ideal ways to do this.
Even if no immediate promising ideas come from a particular episode of spending time in this way, taking responsibility involves keeping hope alive. This means that you recognize that with particularly challenging situations, it takes an extended time to fully address such concerns. In the coming days, new, fresh ideas may yet come your way, or the situations that brought about the concerns may change in unexpected ways to your advantage. In contrast to acting responsibly, experiencing guilt when feeling anxious or grief becomes an aversive experience, and one way to avoid such negative experiences is by finding or creating distractions.
These distractions, when used too often are far from ideal. It is analogous to sleep. When people try to distract themselves from their sleepiness for too long, say by watching exciting TV shows, their sleepiness becomes stronger and stronger and more and more intense. If they continue to press on, avoiding getting enough sleep with various distractions, their functioning becomes compromised. A similar process happens when we keep avoiding providing sufficient time to work through our anxiety and grief concerns.
Thus, mania may, in some cases, be a way to avoid responding responsibly to anxiety and grief because of the guilt that occurs over misunderstanding the nature of these useful experiences. This misunderstanding, along with not knowing how to respond responsibly when these experiences occur, may lead to reaching a point at which the person becomes overwhelmed by unprocessed concerns. It is at this point that creating grandiose ideas manage to further distract these folks from the distressing thoughts spinning out of control. It has been estimated that 47 per cent of people who experience what mental health professionals often refer to as psychotic delusions during their manic phase claim they have grandiose abilities. This often leads to friends, family, and community members, concluding such folks are behaving irresponsibly.
Now, having surveyed these main reasons, some may therefore jump to the conclusion that people labelled as mentally ill should be blamed for not acting responsibly. Blame, in my estimation, is typically counterproductive. Too often, it will provoke horror, total rejection of the blamer, and a hardening of whatever position the person who is being blamed holds.
For a more in-depth story of this kind, I recommend my novel, Fights In The Streets, Tears In The Sand (see 
Let’s begin this exploration with a diary entry from a mental patient that appears on page 224 in Richard P. Bentall’s fine book, Madness Explained:
Once we, in our modern society, come to associate anxiety and grief as painful, this leads many of us right into the idea that we best manage it as we do when we experience physical pain, that is, by distracting our minds to something pleasant and washing the feelings away by consuming alcohol and other drugs. And yet, even when dealing with physical pain, these two approaches are often far from optimal.
In research studies, when distracting oneself from pain was compared to a “sensory focus” approach, sensory focus came out distinctly better even for when dealing with the particularly challenging pain that occurs while giving birth (see 
Drugs that contain acetaminophen, like Tylenol, are the leading cause of acute liver failure in the United States, and some studies indicate that it can be harmful to kidneys as well. Each year, the side effects of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), which are commonly used for pain, cause nearly 103,000 hospitalizations and 16,500 deaths. More people die each year from NSAIDs-related complications than from AIDS and cervical cancer in the United States. Common over the counter NSAIDs include ibuprofen (Motrin, Advil) and naproxen (Aleve).
Let’s begin here with a series of studies indicating that how we conceptualize emotional arousing experiences can dramatically alter the experience.
These studies began in earnest back in 1964 when a team of researchers presented a film showing primitive adolescent “subincision” rites to their subjects and found that it produced marked stress reactions. However, when some subjects were coached to view the film as if they were objective scientists, their stress reaction was markedly reduced. The findings supported the conclusion that the same visual stimulus varies in the amount of stress produced depending upon the nature of the cognitive appraisal the person makes.
Subsequent studies replicated this study by using a series of films that showed horrific workplace accidents, and again, altering the cognitive appraisal strategy of the subjects, altered the level of stress experienced. So, perhaps altering how we appraise our experience with anxiety and grief might alter our level of stress for the better.
We have, for over two million years, been evolving ways to address our concerns so we have a better chance to survive and to pass our genes on to subsequent generations. Two of our most common concerns involve perceiving a risk of future danger, which we experience as anxiety, and perceiving we have lost something or someone important to us, which we experience as grief. Recognizing these types of concerns is the first step in a more complete process of finding ways to minimize the risk of danger and to successfully move forward despite our losses.
When we put off dealing with these types of concerns, they don’t just go away; they come back again and again reminding us that we have to adequately address them. Despite our efforts at putting them off, as our concerns begin to accumulate without being fully addressed, it becomes harder and harder to delay dealing with them. Our memory begins to remind us of them more frequently and more intensely until we reach a point at which we must attend to them, like it or not. If we put off taking time to process our concerns for too long, our functioning for dealing with many aspects of life can begin to deteriorate, and at some point, we may end up having what some people refer to as a mental breakdown.
So, with this understanding, anxiety and grief are part of a wonderful process, rather than a sign of mental illness that we need to distract ourselves from or to take drugs to manage. Part of this process requires that we devote enough time to process these concerns or the level of intensity is liable to become more and more challenging.
When we are reminded of our perceived dangers and grief, rather than automatically perceiving such experiences as painful, we can allow ourselves to observe the physical sensations that come with it. If words such as, “Man, this is painful,” “Man, this is hurting,” or, “I can’t stand this suffering,” we can observe them without automatically accepting them as accurate. What is accurate is the physical sensations, and the specific concern to be addressed as best as you can fathom. Once the sensations go through us, we naturally begin to spend some time thinking about some ideas to address the concerns.
In two recent posts I aimed to encourage folks to consider learning to deal with anxiety in a manner that can improve their self-respect. The first of these, “
To begin this discussion, I present the context in which two of the leading characters from the play, The King and I, begin to sing the delightful song, “I Whistle a Happy Tune.” The song’s lyrics, along with a discussion of the song’s philosophy is then presented. In the end, we get a deeper understanding of how to wisely handle anxiety.
You can view the charming opening scene of The King and I, which includes the singing of the song on YouTube for free by clicking 
As their ship arrives in the Siam bay, Louis notices that the king’s royal barge is approaching. As Louis spies the people on the barge through a telescope, he says, “They look so cruel, mother.” Looking anxious, he goes on to say, “Father would not have liked us to be afraid, would he?”
“Oh, yes, sometimes.”
I whistle a happy tune
Anxiety is the experience of fear that occurs when we think about dealing in the future with a fearful situation. In the scene, Louis learns his father would not like it if either he or his mother ever experience fear. Perhaps his father might have conveyed the attitude that to experience fear is cowardly. This is a common lesson that children are taught by their parents, and consequently, these children may grow up to feel guilty when experiencing anxiety, and then take steps to avoid experiencing it.
Louis’s mother, Anna, admits that she does experience fear, but whenever this happens, by acting fearless and whistling a happy tune, she claims that it prevents people from suspecting she is fearful. She also claims that these actions even convinces her that she really isn’t afraid.
In the scene we are discussing, we see that the anxiety being experienced has the potential to serve a useful function. Louis expresses his anxiety to his mother when he says with tension in his voice, “They look so cruel, Mother.” Upon expressing this, it leads to a discussion between Louis and his mother about fear, and he ends up learning a strategy to deal with fear–whistling a happy tune.
Judging from Anna’s face, not only is Louis now experiencing fear, she is as well. To deal with their shared fearful experience, both of them begin whistling a happy tune. Despite employing this technique, judging from their faces, the whistling is not entirely eliminating all of their fears.
When we put off dealing with the concerns connected with our fears, they don’t just go away; they come back again and again reminding us that we have to adequately address them. Despite our efforts at putting them off, as our fearful concerns begin to accumulate without being fully addressed, it becomes harder and harder to delay dealing with them. Our memory begins to remind us of them more frequently and more intensely until we reach a point at which we must attend to them, like it or not. If we put off taking time to process our fears for too long, our functioning for dealing with many aspects of life can begin to deteriorate, and at some point, we may end up having what some people refer to as a mental breakdown.
Some people who learn to feel guilty when experiencing anxiety and other forms of fear can often find ways to distract themselves from these types of feelings. As their fears begin to build up, they have to try harder and harder to distract themselves. They may begin to eat far more than is healthy, binge watching suspense movies, begin to talk and talk about anything other than their fears, etc. Alternatively, they may try to suppress the feelings by consuming more and more alcohol and other drugs.
With this understanding, we now return to our earlier question, Is whistling a happy tune a wise strategy? Part of the answer, is this: There are times when it does makes sense to put aside for a while our anxiety in order to better deal with some other pressing experience. If you find that whistling a happy tune in such situations helps, that’s fine.
If she had given them the impression that her fear can easily overcome her, the king might take advantage of this. He might think she can easily be pressured to do things she might not wish to do. Better to give the impression to him that she is a force to be reckoned with in order for her to be in a stronger bargaining position. If this was her reasoning, then attempting to put off her feelings of anxiety until she can process them in private makes good sense.
As the movie continues, we soon learn that when Anna meets the king, he informs her that he has arranged for her to live in a room within his royal palace. Anna objects to this, explaining assertively that she accepted the teaching position in part because of a clearly stated condition in her contract indicating she must be provided a cottage off of the palace grounds.
Now, I won’t reveal the outcome of this conflict in case some of you haven’t seen the movie, but the issue of wanting a place separate from the palace serves for us a powerful metaphor for my next point. Anna requires a place where she can set up a boundary separating her work responsibilities from times when she can have some peace and quiet.
Likewise, all people need to put time aside to deal with their anxieties, frustrations, and griefs. Therefore, whistling a happy tune at times makes sense. In such cases, it is crucial to make sure you put aside some time to welcome some alone time so those fears are adequately addressed at a more convenient time.
Meditation, prior to breakfast and the evening meal each day, is an especially ideal habit to get into. You can learn a simple form of meditation for free by clicking 
When we meditate, we find a quiet place, thus eliminating outside distractions. This allows us to focus on our internal issues such as our stored up anxieties. A wonderful aspect of meditation is you end up discovering that you don’t have to try to work on your anxieties while meditating. Instead, each of them at various times during your meditation float up into your consciousness quite effortlessly, and when they do, your thought processes begin the work of tossing around plans to address them, also quite effortlessly. At some point, you end up selecting a promising approach to prepare for fearful situations.
Taking walks, especially in nature, is also ideal for working through our anxieties. It is also a wonderful way to keep your heart healthy.
Recently, I wrote a post titled, “The Nature of Anxiety” (see 
The point of view that I described is in stark contrast to the common view in our society that looks upon anxiety as a negative, destructive, “abnormal” experience, a symptom of mental illness, one which must be fought and if possible, drugged away and annihilated. Today, I make the case that the opposing view has something to do with misunderstanding the nature of guilt and responsibility. But before we get into all of that, let’s take a quick look at a little parable designed to be a helpful jumping off point for today’s topic.
Five-year-old Ken is playing in his family’s living room with his blocks while his seven-year-old sister, Jill, is working on a puzzle. Ken’s mom, comes in from the kitchen and says, “Ken, that’s a nice tower you are making with your blocks. Next week you start kindergarten. I heard they have a great set of blocks there.”
“There’s nothing to be scared about, Ken,” says his mom, “Don’t be a baby!”
Ken runs to his room. On his bed, tears stream down his cheeks. “I hate myself,” he cries out, feeling guilty for what he has been experiencing.
Of course, the answer depends on how you define anxiety. Here, consistent with many experts, anxiety is viewed as feeling fear about something that might happen in the future. Some people will use the words, “a sense of uneasiness” or “worry” to describe this feeling.
When we anticipate that we will be facing some event in the future that has the potential of harm, such as downhill skiing, it is possible to feel a wonderful exhilaration. This exhilaration occurs as long as our mind is focused on memories of when we were enjoying the experience and anticipating enjoying the experience once again. 
However, while thinking of this, if our mind drifts to the possibility of being harmed and we perceive that that harm could be significant, then the feeling of anxiety would accompany those thoughts.
Many people don’t make a clear distinction between experiencing anxiety, from such experiences as frustration, grief, being upset, depressed, or melancholy. They, therefore, may use these types of words rather interchangeably. There is some justification for doing so because when we look at specific examples of people having these types of experiences, we find that all of these challenging emotions can blend together, and it is not always easy to say which emotion is most apt for describing what is actually being experienced.
When seeking to understand anxiety, it is not only useful to know its definition, it is also crucial to know its function. What purpose does it serve for us human beings?
When we have managed to avoid working through a great many anxiety concerns, and we reach a point at which anxiety begins to burst into our consciousness even when we prefer to be dealing with something else, sometimes something strange happens. All of these concerns get so mixed up in our anxiety memory that they become a mishmash. This may result in our having the experience of anxiety, but we have difficulty pinpointing what we are anxious about. We might feel that we have become anxious about everything. We may experience a general sense of dread. In the writings by psychologists, they often refer to this as “free floating anxiety.” Its function remains the same, to motivate us to spend time addressing all of the concerns that have been stored up in our anxiety memory.
Some people, using a variety of strategies to desperately avoid dealing with these memories, can eventually have an experience sometimes referred to as an emotional breakdown. Today, psychiatrists typically prescribe drugs for this. Providing a place for rest and emotional support for working through all of the stored up anxiety was the main approach prior to the drug approach era. An extensive review of the available scientific evidence by
Daily meditation and walks are ideal activities to process our anxieties. Writing a journal about events that distress us can also produce heaps of rewards, for it lets one take a step back from what occurred as feelings are put into written form. Regularly discussing our concerns with a supportive friend or family member can also be of help. Sometimes it is better to discuss these issues with a supportive counselor because some of the issues that lead to anxiety may be less embarrassing when shared with a professional who has an ethical obligation of maintaining confidentiality. Professional counselors also often have knowledge that draws upon a variety of wisdom traditions to smooth out the processing of anxiety.
Ken’s mom yells at him for feeling fearful. She seeks to have him feel ashamed for having these feelings. His sister, joins in with the shaming.
To deal with his feelings, Ken goes to his room. There, while crying and feeling guilty, he experiences hating himself. Then he finds he can divert his attention from these feelings by playing an exciting video game.
Perhaps getting something to eat works to some degree as his mind focuses on the aroma and tastes of food, so he begins to eat in excess. As he gets older, he may find that alcohol and other drugs, at least initially, deadens these feelings. As tolerance of these drugs develop, he may have to do more and more of these drugs to get the same result. The side effects and negative health consequences make this approach less than ideal.
As I mentioned, the anxiety memory has, as one of its characteristics, a tendency, when time is not set aside to address concerns, to enter consciousness with stronger and stronger feelings. When these feelings can no longer be kept suppressed or avoided, Ken may go to a psychiatrist who will translate his experience into a language of symptoms of mental illness and then prescribe a medication. Today, many psychologists and counselors may also view his experiences as symptoms of a mental illness, but will spend most of their time listening in a caring manner.
“I was scared too before my first day,” says Pete’s sister, Nancy, “but it turned out that the teacher was really nice, and we did a lot of fun stuff, and I made lots of friends.”
“Some of the kids could start calling me names.”
“First, I called the kid a name back, but my teacher caught me and said I shouldn’t do that. So then, the next time it happened, I told the teacher. The trouble with that is the kids called me names for being a tattletale. So now I just ignore name calling.”
“You’re stupid,” says Pete.
So, Pete tried it, and first when he looked into his mother’s eyes, he did it in an angry way, so his mother pointed this out to him. “You want to show the name caller that you are not scared. When you glare at him the way you did, you look like you want to challenge the kid to a fight. That’s not going to be helpful for making friends. Try to make it look friendly-like. You want to show that you heard what was said, you are not afraid, you are friendly, and you are ready to move on with playing.”
“Now, Pete, there is a lot more to learn about name calling, so we can’t learn it all in one sitting. For example, when you look down, before you look into the name caller’s eyes, I want you to ask yourself, ‘Why is this guy calling me this name?’ When you do that, let’s say you know he did it because you accidentally pushed him. If it was an accident, what could you say?”
“There are a lot more skills to learn about handling name calling, like, sometimes kids like to call each other names in a fun, playful way, just kidding around. That needs to be handled in a different way. Sometimes some kid will be calling you names over and over again, acting like a bully. That has to be handled in another way. But for now, we’ll just practice the set of skills we just worked on today for a few minutes each day until you start kindergarten. If you ask the name caller the reason he or she did it, whatever the kid says, just do the looking into the eyes, nod, and continue with what you were doing plan, but remember what the kid said. When you get home, we’ll discuss what to do depending on what was said.”
After all, suppose he has to go to war, or he has some other dangerous job. In those situations, being afraid won’t be tolerated. But, if you talk to our greatest war heroes, you find that they were very fearful when they acted out their heroic deed. They will say things like,
Guilt has you punishing yourself while trying to distract yourself from your anxiety, and/or suppressing it with drugs. When you take responsibility for your actions, you permit yourself some time to mindfully experience the anxiety you are feeling in your body. You think about what you have done in the past that might have been a mistake. From here, you begin to think about what you can do to deal as best as you can with the situation that you thought of that prompted the anxiety. Then you practice the skills that may be helpful. That’s acting responsibly. Being guilty is just wasting your time punishing yourself.
Now, sometimes you feel anxious about something and after pausing to consider it, you may feel that you are helpless to really do anything about it. When this happens, does it make sense to avoid and suppress your anxious feelings? The answer, in my opinion, is no.
Now, sometimes we begin to feel anxious because we made a mistake that involves, not just ourselves, but other people with whom we interact. The fear comes from knowing that these other people are blaming us. We may also fear that when we interact with them, we will be rejected.
Those of us who have learned to suppress these feelings may try to put the blame on others for what happened. Perhaps there is some justification to think there is some shared responsibility in what had occurred. Is this the time to attack those who also made mistakes and seek to make them feel guilty?
Instead, I suggest modeling for the others what taking responsibility looks like. Thus, when you see them, consider making the following type of statement:
Now, of course, all of what I’ve been discussing takes time. If you are to adequately address your concerns, you might have to give up a few TV shows. Perhaps a social engagement where juicy gossiping occurs might have to be cut a little shorter. I say this fully understanding that people have come to enjoy all of the activities designed to distract them from responsibly addressing their anxiety. Nevertheless, I encourage you to devote several hours per week letting your mind dwell on all of those anxious issues that bubble up into your consciousness, for you will be far better having done so.