Welcome to From Insults To Respect. Today, Fathers Day, with many of us gathering with family members, it seems an apt time to take a few minutes to think about what family means to us.
For many of us, during times when we find ourselves in rough waters, our family is a lifeline, members pulling lovingly together to ease us from the deep. Others are not so lucky.
All kinds of family problems can arise. Some members may do something that casts a shadow over the clan. Sometimes it may be we who mess up, and the guilt we hold for disgracing those we care for is excruciating. And then there are times when a member accomplishes something splendid, leading to a pleasant glow.
What else is there to say about families? Well, it just so happens Bob Dylan, for one of the episodes of his Theme Time Radio Hour show, focussed in on the family circle. Let’s see what it has to offer to enrich today’s topic. And then I’ll conclude with a few observations from Bob’s son, Jacob.
Bob’s Show
Bob begins with the following words:
Welcome once again to Theme Time Radio Hour. I got nothing to sell, nothing to promote, just a good friend stopping by.
If this was the Golden Age of Radio, I’d tell you to gather the kids around the radio, but it’s a new dayand everybody in the family has different interests. A matter of fact, everybody barely spends any time together even whenthey’re in the same room.But this week, we’re gonna put aside an hour to examine the most important of units, the family.
As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I rested at home in the bosom of my family.” Old TJ was a smart guy.
So, we’re gonna take a few ticks of the clock to look at heart and hearth. We’ll look at family trees, family dinners, family planning, and family jewels. There’ll be Dutch uncles, grandfather clocks, kissing cousins, sons of a gun, and maybe a couple of SOBs. It’s all in the family. Let’s get it goin.’
From here, Bob launches into a variety of songs, all touching upon family relationships, with characters involving parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins. For example, we get to hear a song by Sly and the Family Stone titled “It’s A Family Affair.” Bob introduces it saying, “A weary skeptical record, with a darkness born of drug use. This song was all over the radio and its power could not be denied.” Here are a few of the lyrics:
Sly and the Family Stone
It’s a family affair It’s a family affair It’s a family affair It’s a family affair
One child grows up to be Somebody that just loves to learn And another child grows up to be Somebody you’d just love to burn
Mom loves the both of them You see, it’s in the blood Both kids are good to mom Blood’s thicker than the mud
It’s a family affair It’s a family affair It’s a family affair It’s a family affair Over there, over there Newlywed a year ago But you’re still checking each other out, hey Nobody wants to blow
Nobody wants to be left out, uh huh
You can’t leave, ’cause your heart is there
But, sure, you can’t stay, ’cause you been somewhere else
You can’t cry ’cause you’ll look broke down
But you’re cryin’ anyway ’cause you’re all broke down
It’s a family affair….
I find it an interesting song because the lyrics are just vague enough so that it permits listeners to interpret them as applying to a whole bunch of conflicts your own family may be having, thus giving it a wide appeal.
On Bob’s radio shows he likes to crack a few jokes. On this episode he tells us that, “Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, but there are a few nuts.”
George Bernard Shaw
He also tells us that George Bernard Shaw once said, “When our relatives aren’t home we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.” Hmmm. No doubt Shaw is capturing for many folks something that has an element of truth, but, as for me, I’m nuts about my family.
At one point, Bob goes to his emails, and finds one from a woman named Melody:
Dear Bob, the shows have been exceptional this year. I copy them and give them to my friends. I know it’s illegal but my friends enjoy them.
Bob, here, interjects–Melody, I’m complimented, but I can’t condone that kind of behavior.
She continues. Perhaps you can help me with a problem. My husband is stricter with our son than he is with our daughter. What should I say to him to make him more fair?
Well, Melody, that’s an interesting question. Parents shouldn’t have favorites among their children, but sometimes they do. You should forget about trying to convince him that he is being unreasonable and instead pose a couple of questions. Do you think his son needs stricter rules than his daughter? Is he perhaps remembering what he did as a child? How is his strictness affecting the children? I think perhaps the best solution is to do more things as a complete family. Don’t break them up into small teams or units. The more things you do together, he will treat both children equally. I’m sure you guys will work it out. And stop giving my shows away.
As the show draws to a close, Bob tells us;
So, until next week, take some time to be with your family. Cherish them. You are not going to get to be with them forever. Hold your family close while you got them. The moments you have with them are precious and few.
What a wonderful sentiment. It led me to wonder how Bob was with his own family. In interviews, he rarely has talked about them. In fact he is very hesitant to be forthcoming about anything personal in interviews, though he has no problem pouring out his heart in song. Consider, for example, his emotional performance on “If You See Her, Say Hello.”
Jakob Dylan
We get a little insight about Bob’s family life from his son, Jakob, who is the lead singer and primary song writer for the band, The Wallflowers. During an interview with the New York Times (See HERE), as you might guess, the interviewer, Anthony Decurtis, asks Jakob about his dad. At first, Jakob is reluctant to reply, saying,
You got right to the head of why people have a problem with me. If people want to talk about Bob Dylan, I can talk about that. But my dad belongs to me and four other people exclusively. I’m very protective of that.
Those “four other people” are his brothers and sisters, of whom Jakob is the youngest. As the interview continues, Jakob begins to open up:
In his studio that afternoon, Jakob had the look of a man who is standing on a diving board, wondering whether to jump. Then he jumped. “Yes,” he said, taking a breath, “he was affectionate. When I was a kid, he was a god to me for all the right reasons. Other people have put that tag on him in some otherworldly sense. I say it as any kid who admired his dad and had a great relationship with him. He never missed a single Little League game I had. He’s collected every home-run ball I ever hit. And he’s still affectionate to me.” He paused and smiled. “Maybe he doesn’t want people to know that,” he said. “But I’ll tell you, because it’s my interview.”…. “Look, he’s the best at what I do. I know that, and so do my heroes. I got to watch my heroes meet him and saw how they reacted, whether it was Joe Strummer or Tom Waits. It was peculiar. I’m so stoked to meet Tom Waits, and he’s so nervous to meet my dad. It’s a head spin.”
I found it heartwarming to hear Jakob talk so lovingly about his dad.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
One day, upon striking out in a baseball game, the F-word leaped from my mouth. I immediately looked around to see who was in earshot. I knew my teammates wouldn’t take offense, but my curse was shouted, and I feared it might have reached the ears of my coach, or some in the stands who might be wounded by the disrespectful blow.
Later, I wondered why I cry out with this word despite knowing some might feel it disrespectful, and even sinful. Upon reflection, it occurred to me that I grew up in Brooklyn, and the F-word, along with quite a few other unseemly expressions, were so common, that I just picked up the habit rather innocently.
But then I asked myself, why does anyone use this type of language? After thinking on this for a while, and discussing the topic with some friends, I came upon some answers. At one point, I happened to be writing a novel titled, Love, Sex and Respect, and I decided, to stick some of my ideas on the subject into a brief section of one of its chapters.
I’m pretty pleased with how it came out, and so I thought I would share it with you, and then provide a summary of what the scientists who have studied this topic have to say.
To follow along with what is happening in this brief section of the chapter, a little background will be helpful.
The story takes place in Brooklyn. The narrator is 17-year-old Jeff Star, who dreams of one day becoming a famous writer, and has recently begun to date his classmate, Andrea. The three other characters in the story are Jeff’s high school friends, George, Cliff, and Steve.
Oh, I guess I should warn you, there is cursing in the story, including the F-word, so if you find such language unsuitable to your ears, you might want to skip the story and go directly to the “Reflections By Scientists On Cursing” section.
The Story
“What do you say tomorrow night we go to The Village?” asks George to Cliff, Steve and me as we eat a late Friday night snack at the Avenue U Diner.”
“Fine with me,” says Cliff. “I don’t have anything going on.”
“I’m seeing Andrea tomorrow night,” I reply.
“Andrea, again,” says Cliff. “You two going steady or something?”
“We haven’t declared we’re going steady, or anything stupid like that, Cliff. But, I am pretty crazy about her.”
“Hey, that Andrea’s pretty hot,” says George. “You getting laid yet?”
I belt George in his upper arm.
“What the fuck did you do that for?” George hollers.
Steve glances at a couple of girls around fourteen years old who are sitting at a table next to ours. “I’ll meet you guys outside,” he says, and he throws his part of the bill on the table and leaves.
“Now you pissed Steve off,” I say to George.
“Me!” George hollers. “It was you! You pissed him off by hitting me!”
Though not quite finished eating, we quickly pay the bill and hurry outside where Steve is waiting for us.
“What’s eating you?” George asks him.
“There were some girls in there and with the cursing going on…”
“Jesus fucking Christ, what are you, the speech police?” George hollers.
“The speech police, hmmm,” says Steve.
“I don’t know if police fits,” says Cliff. “Steve’s not giving you a ticket or arresting you, George.”
“No,” George replies, “but he’s carrying on like I committed a fucking crime or something… and like he never curses.”
“It’s where you curse, and who you do it in front of that gets to me,” says Steve. “First you curse in the restaurant with those girls sitting right next to us, and now you say Jesus fucking Christ in front of me when you know I’m Catholic.”
We begin to walk toward Ocean Parkway, along Avenue U. It’s mild out, with a very black sky; street lights cast a soft yellowy brightness along our path.
“You know,” says Cliff after a few minutes have passed in tense silence, “if we could calm down about this it’s really a fascinating issue to discuss, this cursing business. I do it so automatically I’ve never really given it much thought.”
As we reach the parkway, George and Cliff sit on a bench, while Steve and I rest our butts on the three feet high black wrought iron railing that separates the pedestrian path from the bike path. A young woman, maybe in her mid twenties, with a fantastic body, is pedaling by on an English Racer.
After appreciating her female form as she glides off into the distance, Cliff says, “Let me see, when do I curse? Hmmm, mostly when I get angry about something. I say damn when I’m a little upset; ‘Shit’ when I’m more upset; ‘Fuck’ when I’m really, really upset; and ‘Cock Sucker’ when I’m beyond furious. An exclamation point just says you’re upset. Cursing lets me express a wide range of upsets.”
“Yeah,” says George, “Me too. What’s wrong with that?”
“Well,” says Steve, “a lot of guys find it useful, but women find it disrespectful.”
“I’ve heard women curse,” says George.
“Not my mom,” says I. “I’ve never heard her curse, ever. When she gets frustrated, she cries out, ‘Oh, sugar!'”
“My mom,” says Steve, “never curses either. She cries out, when she gets mad, ‘Mother of Mary!’ She adequately expresses the full range of exclamation points by altering the tone of her voice.”
“It’s interesting,” says Cliff, “that people, when they curse, use sexual terms–like fuck and cock sucker; terms about excrement–like ‘crap’ and ‘shit’, or ‘what a pisser’; and blasphemous religious expressions like holy Moses, or… well, I won’t say what else because I don’t want to piss Steve off.”
“Sometimes they throw in something about a mother,” says George, “like mother fucker. If you believe in free speech, why can’t I curse whenever I feel like, for Christ sake!?”
“George,” says Steve, “you know damn well that there’re places where you’re just being disrespectful when you curse. I never hear you curse at school when a teacher is in earshot.”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with me wanting to be respectful to the teachers or anyone else. It’s just that I want to go to Columbia University. If I piss off the school, it’ll get in my record that I’m a fucking trouble maker.”
“How about during the Social Studies study group when my mom’s around,” says Steve. “I never hear you curse then.”
George’s neck turns all blotchy.
We watch a few bicyclists roll by for a few minutes in silence, and then George turns to Steve, and says, “I, um, well I never really thought about it, but now that you ah, well, now that you mention it I guess I do, kinda, know that sometimes cursing can be disrespectful around some people. You know, I don’t have a mom around to make all of this as clear to me like you and Jeff have. I screwed up, Steve, and, well I’m sorry.”
Reflections By Scientists On Cursing
When I was growing up in Brooklyn, cursing was just something I picked up from listening to the other kids in the neighborhood, kinda like how I picked up my Brooklyn accent. I heard some adults use cursing as well.
As I got older, it seemed it was a way to bond with the guys–kinda like it made you one of the boys. You did it to rebel from the authorities who objected to such language. Sex and toiletry matters were not something people were to talk about openly, so if you did, you were somehow respected for rebelling against social norms. Shooting the shit, was an act thought of as being gutsy, a respected attribute for many a teenager. My wife tells me that similar language was used as well among her female friends when she was growing up in Rochester, New York, and apparently for the same reasons.
It is interesting that some researchers have begun to look at how cursing affects certain social situations. In one study researchers found that using the word “damn” was helpful. Here’s the study’s abstract:
This experiment examined the effects of judicious swearing on persuasion in a pro‐attitudinal speech. Participants listened to one of three versions of a speech about lowering tuition that manipulated where the word “damn” appeared (beginning, end, or nowhere). The results showed that obscenity at the beginning or end of the speech significantly increased the persuasiveness of the speech and the perceived intensity of the speaker. Obscenity had no effect on speaker credibility.
Note that in the study, the obscene word that was used was “damn,” which to my Brooklyn ears is a kinda middle-of-the-road obscenity. I wonder if the results of the study would have been quite different if words that are viewed as more obscene were to have been used.
An excellent review of the research on the cursing topic is titled “Swearing: A Biopsychosocial Perspective.” If you put the title into Google Scholar, you can find a free PDF of the entire article. Below I provide its abstract:
Swearing, also known as cursing, can be best described as a form of linguistic activity utilizing taboo words to convey the expression of strong emotions. Although swearing and cursing are frequently occurring behaviors, the actual functions of swearing remain largely unknown. Since swearing typically includes taboo words, these words can be more powerful than non-swear words. Therefore, people who swear are often judged negatively, because the uttered swearwords can shock and disturb others, though the comments of others are strongly dependent on contextual factors. In this review, we provide an insight into the current state of the literature with respect to the interpersonal functions of swearing. In addition, we briefly discuss neurological, psychosocial and contextual factors that may contribute to a person’s swearing behavior. Swearing is hypothesized to produce a catharsis-effect, which results in a relief of stress or pain. Swearing also influences the perceived credibility, intensity, and persuasiveness of the swearer. Additionally, swearing can have a variety of interpersonal consequences, including promoting group bonding and solidarity, inhibiting aggression, eliciting humor, and causing emotional pain to others. This paper further presents a hypothetical model of swearing that draws from basic emotion research in an attempt to provide a scaffolding for future research.
I happened to notice that the review mentions eliciting humor as an interpersonal consequence of cursing. I find that interesting because of my own personal reaction to humor that uses cursing. A couple of times I’ve gone to comedy clubs and found that the comedians used so much cursing in their routines that it began to rub me the wrong way. It just seemed obnoxious to me, and yet others found their shtick hysterical.
Certainly cursing is not required to make people laugh. Millions find shows like, I Love Lucy and Seinfeld wonderfully funny despite there being no cursing. So, it is a puzzle to me why I, who grew up regularly hearing cursing, find that there is a point at which it begins to grate on my nerves, while others are willing to spend a pretty high ticket price to hear such shows. This phenomenon has taught me that individuals react so incredibly different to different styles of humor and how much cursing they can hear before it becomes annoying.
So, anyway, that’s my little schtick on why people use words like the F word. I hope it provided some useful insights.
Have a wonderful week, and I hope you’ll soon join us once again right here at From insults to Respect,
My Best
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today’s topic–anxiety.
What brought me to write about it? Well, recently I published a post titled, “The Nature of Depression and Melancholy” (see HERE). Shortly afterwards, one of my readers commented that rather than depression or melancholy, he is more likely to experience anxiety, and therefore, wondered if I might write a post on it. Since how people handle anxiety can influence their degree of self-respect, I decided the topic was relevant to this blog.
As I took up the task, it soon became apparent that it would not be possible to explain the nature of anxiety without integrating it with what we know about depression and melancholy. After all, each share six similar characteristics, and in the same episode of depression or melancholy, people can have waves of anxiety. Additionally, at times all three states of being (depression, melancholy, and anxiety) blend together.
So, we begin today with a brief summary of the six common characteristics of depression, melancholy, and anxiety. Afterwards, I’ll describe how all three states of being differ from one another.
Brief Summary of The Six Common Characteristics of Depression, Melancholy, and Anxiety.
Depression and melancholy, as I explained more fully in a previous post, share six characteristics. Anxiety also shares these as well.
All three are usefully viewed as a type of memory. Its function is to remind you that you have concerns that need to be addressed.
This memory can be visualized as a bucket. When it is only slightly filled, each time the memory warns you that you have some work to do in order to deal with your various concerns, you can, if you so choose, easily put off dealing with them until a more convenient time by shifting your attention so you can carry out some other task.
As the bucket gets more and more filled by more concerns, or particularly big concerns, the warnings become more frequent. They also feel more intense, and it becomes harder and harder to shift attention to other tasks. If your concern memory bucket becomes filled to the top, putting off dealing with at least some of your concerns is no longer possible.
As the concerns become more frequent, or feel more intense, some medical doctors, particularly psychiatrists, will be eager to classify your experience as a symptom of a mental disorder and prescribe drugs to deal with this. It is a lucrative business model, but in my opinion, this causes more harm than good. One way or another, concerns have to be addressed, and masking them with substances that have a variety of harmful side effects will only lead to more concerns in the long run.
The amount of concerns and degree of seriousness of concerns that one has in their concern memory provides two of the reasons why people vary when it comes to how often, and how intense their concerns are experienced. Another reason for this variation is that people inherently have different capacities for putting off addressing their concerns until a more convenient time. We can visualize this as being born with either a large, average, or small concern memory bucket. For those who are born with a relatively large concern bucket, they can hold more concerns and larger, more serious concerns before their bucket begins to become filled than an average person. Thus, they can go for longer periods before they begin to have more and more difficulty shifting their attention away from their concerns. Others who are born with smaller buckets find that it takes less time than the average person for it to begin to fill up. Thus, even when facing relatively few and minor concerns than the average person, they nevertheless begin to have more and more difficulty shifting their attention away from their concerns.
Another characteristic that depression, melancholy, and anxiety share is that there are various ways to decrease the contents in our concern memory bucket before we begin to have trouble postponing dealing with our concerns. For example, meditating once or twice a day provides an opportunity to spend time addressing concerns with little distractions. Although as we enter into meditation, we don’t do so with the intent to address concerns, they naturally bubble up from the relatively peaceful state, and our minds spend time working through our various concerns in a natural manner.
Taking a walk, journal writing about concerns, speaking to a counselor, or watching a sporting event like baseball that provides significant down time to mull over our concerns, can also be very helpful. By working through our concerns in these ways allow us some control over when we have to deal with a full blown experience that might otherwise occur at very inconvenient times, or feel so intense that they begin to feel painful.
In today’s world, there are an incredible number of opportunities to distract us from addressing our concerns, from entertaining TV shows, movies, the ease of calling friends, and engaging on social media platforms. Methods that free us from so many distractions for periods of time can be enormously helpful in avoiding reaching what some have described as a nervous breakdown.
So, the six common characteristics of depression, melancholy, and anxiety I want to bring to your attention are, 1. the concern memory system serves as a warning sign, 2. we can delay attending to these warnings for a limited period of time, 3. when we put off dealing with our concerns, they don’t just go away, they come back again and again until they are adequately addressed, 4.despite our efforts at putting them off, as our concerns begin to accumulate without being fully addressed, it becomes harder to delay dealing with them, and our memory begins to remind us of them more frequently and more intensely, until we reach a point at which we must attend to them, like it or not, 5. people vary on how many and how serious their concerns must become before they no longer can divert their attention from their concerns, and 6. we can decrease the period of time before our concerns start to reach extremely frequent, strong, intense experiences by putting aside each day some time to reduce external distractions so we can more smoothly and comfortably address our concerns.
How Are Depression, Melancholy, and Anxiety Different From One Another?
We experience desires, aspirations, strivings, wishes, and longings. For convenience sake, let’s just use the word desire to represent all of these experiences.
As we experience desires, several emotions can spring to our attention. Sometimes we experience the emotion of renewed hope because something we did, someone else did, or some change in the environment signaled that our desire is more likely to be fulfilled. When a desire is fulfilled, we experience a wave of an emotion we call happiness. Whenever we interpret a situation as interfering with achieving a desire, we experience a wave of frustration. And whenever we interpret a situation as indicating a desire is no longer achievable, we grieve for a period. When we recall situations in our life, this can lead to re-experiencing the emotions that had occurred in the original situation.
Hope, Happiness, Fear, and Grief
One desire people have is to avoid harm. Whenever we perceive situations in which we may be harmed either physically or psychologically, we experience fear. If we perceive a tiger rushing toward us, we would experience fear that would immediately fill up our concern bucket, and our attention would be completely on this event. During this time, you would not be thinking about what TV show you want to watch later that evening. Instead, your body would go into a state of flight or fight, your heart would be pounding, and adrenalin would begin to circulate in your blood, giving you added strength.
Not all fear experiences are as intense. For example, observing a doctor coming toward you to give you an injection might produce just a mild degree of fear. At such time, you might decide to divert your attention to a pleasant image, and find you can do this.
Now, there is a type of fear that arises when we anticipate that there is a real possibility that we will be facing some harmful event some time in the future. For example, a woman might have plans to traverse a path in a jungle next week having heard that tigers have attacked people on that path. Each time she thinks about this, she is very likely to experience some fear.
When we are not immediately facing the fearful event, it is a somewhat different experience than one in which we are immediately facing it. We typically distinguish this type of fear by calling it anxiety, or we say we are worrying about the upcoming event.
Not everyone makes this distinction. For some people, when experiencing frustration, grief, an immediately occurring fearful situation, or anxiety as I have just defined them, they may use words like being upset, anxious, depressed, and melancholy to refer loosely to all of these emotional states. There is some justification for doing so, because when we look at specific examples of people having these types of experience, we find that all three emotions can blend together, and it is not always easy to say which emotion is most apt for describing what is actually being experienced. Let’s look at some examples to show you what I mean by this.
Some Examples
Rob’s Desire To Get Home
After a hard day at work, Rob desires to get home so he can relax. As he is driving home, suddenly he hits a traffic jam, slowing his car almost to a stop. He initially experiences frustration. As he assesses the situation, he sees there is some road construction blocking one of the lanes. Then he sees that just up ahead, once cars pass the construction, traffic picks up to normal. This five-minute delay is no big deal, and his mind passes to some song playing on his radio.
Parable Discussion
This is a simple example of a person experiencing frustration, and it soon passes without other emotions arising. This type of experience occurs to all of us quite frequently.
Shanice’s Recipe Concern
Shanice desires to be viewed by her family as an excellent cook, and her family of four love that she takes charge of the evening meal. One day, as Shanice is working around her house, a concern arises within. She thinks to herself, “What should I make for supper?” When she can’t think of anything, she feels frustrated. Over the past few days, she has gone through her main classics, and now she doesn’t want to make something she views as “the same old, same old.”
Suddenly the phone rings, and because Shanice is in the midst of experiencing her frustration over this issue, she pauses before answering, thinking she wants to get her supper plans settled. But then she says, “I guess I could put this supper stuff off for a few minutes,” and she decides to answer her phone.
After a nice chat, Shanice writes a condolence letter to a friend who recently lost her mother to cancer. Then her concern memory reminds her that she still doesn’t know what to make for supper. Again, feeling frustrated, her attention fully focuses on this issue, and then she remembers she has, back in one of her draws, a red folder with recipes that she has saved over the years. As she remembers this, she experiences a wave of hope.
As Shanice flips through these recipes, her eyes fall upon one for sesame pasta. “Oh,” she says, “the last time I made this, everyone raved about it. I haven’t made it in a long time. I bet this might be a perfect choice, and she is now even more hopeful.”
She then calls out to the rest of her family, asking them what they think about this. They all express delight. So now Shanice can take this dinner concern out of her concern memory bucket, and a wave of happiness is experienced.
It just so happens, that Shanice’s son, Daniel, is in a counseling graduate program and one of his classes is focused on emotions. So, Daniel asks Shanice what she was experiencing as she went through addressing her concern.
“I was just frustrated because I really couldn’t think of what to make,” she replies.
“Did you experience any anxiety or worry as you went through the experience?”
“Well, I felt a little anxiety each time my mind went to the thought that my family is going to start thinking I’m losing my touch for being a great cook.”
Parable Discussion
This little story is designed to help us see that people can feel mainly frustrated as they deal with a concern, but thoughts that lead to hope, happiness, and anxiety can be part of the the total emotional experience. It also illustrates that being reminded of our concerns can be helpful for achieving our desires. If Shanice had completely forgotten about her concern once she became distracted by a phone call, she would not have come up with an approach that fulfilled her desire. Recalling our concerns don’t guarantee that all of our desires will be fulfilled, but it often helps.
In this Shanice example, the whole incident passes by in a fairly brief period. Let’s take a look at another example, but this one lasting several months.
Fred’s Employment Concern
Fred, an assistant manager in his firm, desires to get a promotion. When his annual review comes, it is excellent, and his hopes soar. One day the firms owner calls him into her office. He thinks to himself, “Maybe she’s going to tell me I’ve been promoted,” and once again his hope soars. Instead of a promotion, she fires Fred, explaining that the firm was just bought out by a big conglomerate, and they are bringing in their own personnel leadership.
Upon hearing this, Fred is very frustrated.
When he gets home, for several days waves of frustration frequently blend with periods of grieving each time his mind falls on the fact that seeing several people he loved working with on a daily basis has come to an end. It has not been easy for him to continue to do several of his daily obligations, such as picking up the kids after team practices, participating in a charity organization, and emotionally supporting each member of his family as their concerns arise, but for the most part, he struggles through this.
The next week, at one point he finds it is so hard to attend to what they are saying, his mind drifting to what he has to do to land a new job, that he excuses himself and goes for a long walk.
During the walk, as he recalls moments of his firing and the loss of seeing his coworkers, powerful emotions arise within, and he sits on a park bench and begins to cry.
It lasts for a few minutes, and then he gets up and resumes his walk. A half mile further along, a plan begins to take form. He has to make some calls to get recommendations, and his resume has to be polished up. Then, all of a sudden, he realizes that some of the firms he was thinking of applying to would require long commutes. He had bought his current house so he could walk to work because he hates dealing with the awful traffic in his city. Now the fear of having a daily commute is experienced as a powerful bout with anxiety.
As Fred continues his walk, an idea comes to him. I’ll first just apply to the three firms within a twenty minute drive.
It’s a month later. He is grieving because he has received rejection letters from two of the nearby firms. He also finds that when he wakes up every morning he has a bout of anxiety, fearing the letter carrier will bring another rejection letter.
Finally, one morning Fred gets a letter from the third nearby firm that he had applied to. With great fear, he opens it. To his delight, it invites him to come for an interview the following week. Reading this, his hope soars. But then, later in the letter, it explains that part of the interview involves making a presentation in front of the interviewers. This produces a wave of anxiety. He has a good deal of experience making presentations, but this one will be in front of people he doesn’t know, and his whole chance of getting this job will largely depend on how well he carries this off.
The anxiety proves to be productive. It motivates Fred to put off any other plans he has for the week, so he can work on the presentation. In the end, he really puts together something he has confidence in.
The story has a happy ending. Fred lands the job.
Parable Discussion
Here we see an example of someone experiencing, during a period of months, strong feelings of hope, frustration, anxiety, grief, fear, and happiness. There are times Fred has trouble concentrating on the usual family matters and community obligations. Still, many of the important tasks of life that don’t involve looking for a job manages to get done by Fred. But, at one point, he does excuse himself so he can eliminate distractions, fully experience his emotions, and formulate some plans.
As in our previous example, the plans Fred comes up with do not guarantee success. Nevertheless, the alternative of doing things that continually distract himself are likely to lead to his concern memory bucket reaching an overflowing state, and then many of his daily obligations may end up suffering. He could have also turned to heavy drinking of alcohol or some other drugs to suppress his emotions. The side effect of this approach may have added to his already challenging concern.
Janet’s Anxiety Concerns
Janet has just graduated from a Mental Health Counseling masters program. She now has thousands of dollars in college loans, but her husband makes just enough money so their living expenses are just barely being met.
For Janet to start making any significant money as a counselor, she has to pass the National Clinical Mental Health Counselor Examination. So, she pays to take the exam which is only given twice a year. If she fails, she would have to pay the fee again and wait another six months until she can take it again.
The test is coming up in a few months. To prepare for the test, she pays for a set of computer based instructions, which also provides practice tests. The cost to take the test, and the instructional material has really stretched her budget to the ultimate limit.
Janet has long desired to have a child, but put off starting a family because of her studies. Now she has reached an age at which putting off having a child becomes increasingly risky. So, at the same time that she is preparing for the test, she has decided to see if she can have a baby.
As she begins to prepare for the test, she meets Al, a guy who recently failed the same test she has been studying for, and he tells her that he knows others who studied a great deal, and also failed. Janet experiences, upon hearing this, a wave of anxiety. At the same time, she decides to increase the amount of time each week for studying.
After studying for a few weeks, she takes a practice test, and fails. Anxiety comes flooding into her whole being.
The next week, Janet discovers she is pregnant, and the hope of having a child soars. This lasts for a few days, and then, in addition to having anxiety every time she thinks about possibly failing her test, she also finds herself thinking about what would happen if she has a miscarriage, or has a child with serious medical problems. Her anxiety becomes more frequent and dramatically more intense. At the same time, she begins to take greater care of what she eats, does research on what other habits can be altered to reduce risks to her developing baby, and decides to reduce her alcohol consumption.
As time goes on, there are times when she fails a practice test, and a mixture of frustration and anxiety is experienced. There are also times when she passes a practice test and hope is experienced. Hope also occurs when an exam by her obstetrician indicates her baby is developing well.
Anxiety, frustration, hope, continue throughout this period of her life.
Parable Discussion
In this example, if Janet was asked to describe her emotional experience during this period of her life, she may very well say that she was mainly feeling a great deal of anxiety. The combined fear of failing her test, having to take the test over, maybe failing it again, having a miscarriage or having a baby with serious medical problems, we can imagine, could have overshadowed her other emotions.
In this little story, I tried to give the reader a sense that anxiety can spur one to better address concerns. Thus, concerns about failing a practice test did not just lead to experiencing anxiety, it also spurred Janet to increase her study time. Her anxiety associated with thoughts about her pregnancy led her to take steps to reduce risks.
Anxiety, Depression, Frustration, Grief, and Melancholy
To understand the nature of anxiety, we must understand how it is related to four other emotional experiences. The above four examples seeks to help us see these relationships.
All of these experiences begin with desires. Ron desired to get home so he can relax. Shanice desired to be viewed by her family as an outstanding cook. Fred desired to get promoted, and then, to get a new job that didn’t require a long commute. Janet desired to pass her test and have a healthy baby.
When we perceive that something is getting in the way of achieving our desire, at first we feel frustrated, and then we quickly begin to assess the frustration to see what can be done to overcome it. Sometimes the assessment can lead to one or more other emotional experiences, though not always.
Rob, in our example, while driving home and suddenly finding himself in a traffic jam, experiences frustration. Upon assessing the situation, he sees this will be a mere five minute delay, and the frustration passes away.
However, in the Shanice example, she mostly experiences frustration when she can’t come up with a supper idea. However, upon questioning, she realizes that as she was assessing what to do about this, her mind fell on the thought that her family might lose respect for her if she keeps making the same old, same old. With that thought, she experienced some anxiety. It was rather mild, and she was able to put off addressing her concern for a few minutes so she could respond to her phone call. After the phone call, at one point her concern memory warned her that she still had not adequately addressed her concern.
In the Fred example, he becomes frustrated when he finds out that his desire to be promoted is not going to be achieved, and instead he is fired. As he assesses this, at some point the frustration begins to include periods of grief and anxiety. The concerns that lead to these emotions are pretty major, and he finds that at times he is having difficulty shifting his attention away from his concerns.
In the Janet example, she becomes frustrated when she realizes that her desire to advance her mental health counseling career requires that she take an expensive and very hard to pass test. She also desires to have a healthy baby, and experiences frustration when ideas come to her that she could have a miscarriage or give birth to a baby with serious medical problems. These frustrating thoughts almost instantly shift to anxiety.
Now, when we have frustration along with grieving experiences or anxiety, many of us begin to insult ourselves. We might say, things like, “Why am I acting like a baby,” “I’m acting crazy,” “What an idiot I am,” “I’m mentally ill,” “I’m hopeless and helpless,” “This is a horrible experience, and it’s all my fault,” “I hate myself,” “I deserve to die,” etc. Those who go to war with themselves in this manner, add a whole additional serious concern to what they are already facing because people have an inherent desire to respect themselves. Creating the impression with these insulting attitudes that they are not worthy of respect frustrates this desire.
So, here we see two alternative experiences, one in which frustration and grieving gets mixed together with insulting, and one in which frustration and anxiety gets mixed together with insulting. When we experience frustration and grieving, and are also insulting ourselves, we might want to refer to this as depression.
Because depression is often used in too vague a manner, when that word comes up, I seek to explore what meaning is intended, looking specifically to see if the person using the word depression means frustration, grieving, and insulting oneself, or some other experience.
For a similar reason, when someone uses the word anxiety, I like to see if the experience being referred to includes personal insults.
As I pointed out in my post titled, “Depression and Melancholy,” melancholy offers us a third alternative.
Consider how musician and song writer Joni Mitchell described melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”
There is comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s just as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.
In melancholy, the person practices self-compassion and views the experiences of frustration, grieving, and anxiety as a natural helpful process we all must go through from time to time. Melancholy provides a richer, and more powerful approach for addressing our concerns, even the most challenging ones. It doesn’t waste time with all of the insults, though, because of old habits, some may still leap into consciousness. When they do, individuals in a melancholy state of being can observe them without believing they are true. Rather, they recognize them as old unhelpful habits, allow themselves to experience the physical sensations that come with them, and then, when those sensations pass in their own good time, they move on to other work that needs to be done.
For those individuals who haven’t been utilizing the melancholy experience, this is perfectly understandable. In our society, it is so common to observe family members, friends, and acquaintances frequently insulting others when a mistake is made. TV shows, movies, and politics portray people constantly blaming others in a hateful manner for all the problems that they see in the world. So, this style of dealing even with our own concerns is something that we pick up like mud on our shoes after strolling through an unpaved path after a storm.
To just read a post such as this can help a few people begin the process of transforming their war against themselves to a more melancholy approach without any additional assistance from anyone else. Most people, however, having learned the habit over many years of dealing with the situations that bring on grief and anxiety by insulting themselves will require entering into a process lasting for several months in a more systematic, guided manner.
One way to participate in such a process, and won’t cost any money, is to start reading my blog, beginning with the first post (see HERE). This can be paced depending on one’s comfort level, but I think that putting aside at least fifteen minutes on this process each week is the minimal necessary commitment to expect real positive change.
Additionally, my three novels provide an entertaining way to learn to develop self respect (see HERE). There is a modest cost to purchasing them, but the ebook versions are very inexpensive.
Though most personal counselors are stuck in the medical model that pathologizes the experiences we discussed today, more and more are turning to an alternative approach that values enhancing self-compassion. Naturally my two favorites of these are my son, Jack Star Rubin, and his talented wife, Emily Whyte Rubin. You can learn about their services, which are available online, by clicking HERE. They rely on a variety of wisdom traditions that have demonstrated research support, and they listen deeply and compassionately as their clients express concerns. In this way, with the help of modeling, their clients come to adopt this way of listening deeply and compassionately as they, themselves, deal with their own concerns even when their counselor is not present.
Well, that’s my post for today. I hope you found some nourishing food for thought. Stay safe out there, and please join us again right here at From Insults to Respect.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we take an interesting look at two states of being, depression and melancholy. A central difference between the two has to do with throwing insults at ourselves; when we are depressed we spend a great deal of time doing that, in melancholy, not so much. To better understand what I mean by this, and to clarify the natural function of depression and melancholy, it will be worthwhile to first take a brief look at another state of being, sleep.
Six Similar Characteristics of Sleep, Depression, and Melancholy
As a result of our special familiarity with sleep–we experience it pretty much every single day–when I point out six of its characteristics, everyone will readily know what I’m talking about. It will then be easier to see that similar characteristics occur with the less familiar depression and melancholy experiences.
Six Characteristics of Sleep
Before we go to sleep, we experience a warning that sleep is heading our way. We refer to this warning as “feeling sleepy.”
When we get this warning, there are a few things we can do to exercise some control over when we actually fall asleep. For example, when we are sleepy while eating breakfast but have to go to work, typically we can muster our determination to put off sleep until later.
At some point, like it or not, and even with the greatest determination to stay awake, sleep will come.
Feeling sleepy can range from being a little sleepy, all the way to the point where we can barely keep our eyes open. This range of sleepiness is dependent on a special memory that stores how sleepy you are. This memory can be visualized as a bucket. If you are a little sleepy in the morning, the bucket is viewed as only slightly filled. If you manage to divert your attention from the sleepiness so you can go to work, by the time you get back home, your sleepiness memory hasn’t forgotten that the bucket was slightly filled earlier, and now that several more hours have gone by without getting some sleep, the bucket has filled up beyond the height than it was in the morning. This becomes noticeable by more frequent waves of sleepiness, and each wave feels more heavy or intense. If you divert your attention from how sleepy you are so you can have dinner and watch a few of your favorite TV shows, you will find that none of your earlier sleepiness has been completely forgotten for long, and on top of that, even more sleepiness has been added. By the time you are watching the opening monologue of the Tonight Show, your bucket may now be filled up, and sleep will come even if you try to resist.
Just like there is natural variation in the various characteristics of us humans, like how tall we are or the color of our hair, different people have various size sleepiness memory buckets. Most have average size buckets, and after about sixteen hours without sleep their bucket becomes pretty filled up and they will typically sleep for about eight hours. Other people can go with less sleep; others require more sleep.
Finally, some people, desiring to avoid having their bucket getting filled up too early, will carve out some time in their day to take a nap or two. Each nap lowers the level in their bucket, and they therefore remain more alert during the day after a few minutes of grogginess passes.
Summarizing the six sleep characteristics I want to bring to your attention, 1. sleep has a warning sign, 2. we can delay sleep for a limited period of time, 3. despite our efforts at putting off sleep, at a certain point sleep will come, 4. we have a special memory that remembers how sleepy we are, 5. people vary on how much sleep they need, and 6. we can decrease the duration of our major sleep event by doing something we call a nap.
The Six Characteristics Of the State of Being that is Often Referred to As Depression
As Katrina is on her way to work, a concern arises within. “My job is not really right for me,” she says to herself. “It’s getting more and more boring, and the pay is barely enough to make ends meet. I have to make a change.”
Now she has arrived. She pauses and says to herself, “I’m going to put off dealing with this job concern ’cause I have to focus on my work responsibilities.”
Katrina finds that throughout her work hours, for the most part, she is able to put off thinking about this concern, though from time to time, she does notice a wave going through her reminding her of it. Each time this happens, she finds that she can cut it off quickly so she can focus on her job responsibilities.
So far in this scenario, we begin to see some similarities between sleep and the buildup of concerns that might lead to depression. That is, each wave of sleepiness is a warning sign that a person will need to get some sleep soon, and each wave of concern that Katrina is experiencing is a warning sign that she will soon have to address her job concern. We also see, in this Katrina scenario, that she can exercise some control over when she addresses her concern, putting off dealing with it until a more convenient time. Notice that this is similar to sleep in that when we feel sleepy, we still can put off going to sleep for a while.
Now, let’s continue with Katrina’s story.
After work, she meets her mother at a nice restaurant to have dinner. There, her mother reveals that she has discovered a lump in her breast.
Upon arriving home, Katrina puts on the TV to see some shows she likes. While watching, she finds that her concerns intrude into her consciousness more frequently and in a more intense manner than previous recent days. In the medical model of thinking about this, these intrusions would be viewed as symptoms of a possible mental disorder. As I view them, they are as natural as a sunrise.
Later in the week, Katrina finds out that her mother’s lump has been diagnosed as cancerous. Then the guy that Katrina has been dating and is really crazy about, calls. In as pleasant a manner as he can muster, he ends his relationship with Katrina explaining he has met someone new. Despite Katrina’s effort to stay positive, she finds she can no longer put off experiencing feelings of disappointment, despair, anguish, sadness and tears.
Like the sleep memory that we visualized as a sleepiness bucket, we can visualize the concern memory also as a bucket. As time passes for Katrina, her memory bucket remembers all of her previous unresolved concerns, and as new concerns come her way, her bucket begins to fill up more and more. As it does so, she experiences more frequent reminders of needing to deal with all of her concerns, and these reminders begin to feel heavier or more intense. Eventually, her concern memory bucket becomes filled to the top and, therefore, putting off dealing with her concerns can no longer be done.
As it did for sleep, this visual metaphor of a bucket works well for depression in two other ways. First, when we look at the various characteristics of depression, we find variation in people’s ability to put off until a more convenient time addressing their concerns. We can visualize this as having either a large, average, or small concern memory bucket. Second, like the sleep memory bucket which we can decrease its contents prior to our main sleep experience by taking naps, there are ways we can decrease the contents in our concern memory bucket before entering into a full blown episode of depression. For example, by meditating once or twice a day, this provides an opportunity to spend time addressing concerns with little distractions.
Meditation is supremely useful for this because the practice involves going to a quiet place and then closing your eyes. Although during meditation you may spend some time focussing on your mantra, this mantra task is so simple that ample time and mental space is available for your concerns to bubble up to the surface where they can be addressed while you are in a relatively calm state.
Taking a walk, or watching a sporting event like baseball also provide a lot of down time to mull over our concerns, and therefore, are examples of other ways we can work though our concerns in a manner that allows us some control over when we have to deal with a full blown depression experience. In today’s world, because there are so many opportunities to distract us from addressing our concerns, from entertaining TV shows, movies, the ease of calling friends, and engaging on social media platforms, methods that free us from so many distractions for periods of time can be enormously helpful.
A Difference Between Sleep and Depression
We have just looked at six characteristics of depression that are somewhat similar to the six characteristics of sleep that we discussed earlier in this essay. There are, of course, some differences between sleep and depression. The difference I want to point out here is that the passing of time is the main factor that leads to needing to go into a period of sleep. The longer you are awake, the sleepier you are likely to become.
When it comes to depression, time is still a factor because the more time passes, the more concerns can develop in a person’s life. Nevertheless, a much bigger factor that influences when someone enters a state of depression has to do with the nature of each concern. Some concerns are relatively easy to address, others are harder. Moreover, concerns vary with regards to how threatening they are to one’s goals.
Easy to resolve concerns are taken out of the bucket after a brief period of reflection, while difficult to resolve conflicts take up space in the bucket sometimes for years. Highly threatening concerns take up far more room in the bucket than low threatening concerns. If they are highly threatening and hard to resolve, much of one’s bucket can be almost filled to the brim for years. When this happens, for years each warning about the need to address concerns will be more intense, and it will take much less additional concerns to fill up the bucket. Thus, people who experience traumatic events are more likely to experience depression more often.
The Difference Between Depression and Melancholy
The six characteristics that apply to depression apply to melancholy as well. The chief difference between the two, as I mentioned earlier, is when people experience depression they insult themselves, whereas when people experience melancholy, not so much.
As the bucket begins to fill up, those who are prone to throw personal insults at themselves, typically choose ones that have to do with feeling guilty about becoming depressed, past mistakes, being crazy, and being worthless. The psychiatric model has them thinking they have bad genes, a lifelong pathological condition, as well as having a condition that is stigmatizing. All of this leads to the person experiencing self-loathing. The insults people attack themselves with add to the concerns in their bucket, leading to it becoming fuller more quickly than if they did not do this, and the insults are distracting, so that the real work of addressing the real concerns are less efficiently addressed.
In contrast, consider how musician and song writer Joni Mitchell described melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”
There is comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s just as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.
In melancholy, the person practices self-compassion and views the experience as a natural helpful process.
David Whyte
David Whyte is one of the finest writers to capture the essence of the melancholy state. We get a sense of this by reading the following from his fine book, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment, and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words:
Disappointment is inescapable but necessary; a misunderstood mercy and when approached properly, an agency for transformation and the hidden, underground, engine of trust and generosity in a human life. The attempt to create a life devoid of disappointment is the attempt to avoid the vulnerabilities that make the conversations of life real, moving, and life-like; it is the attempt to avoid our own necessary and merciful heartbreak. To be disappointed is to reassess ourself and our inner world, and to be called to the larger foundational reality that lies beyond any false self we had only projected upon the outer world….
Despair takes us in when we have no where else to go; when we feel the heart cannot break anymore, when our world or our loved ones disappear, when we feel we cannot be loved or do not deserve to be loved, when our God disappoints, or when our body is carrying profound pain in a way that does not go away.
Despair is a haven with its own temporary form of beauty; of self-compassion, it is the invitation we accept when we want to remove ourselves from hurt. Despair is a last protection. To disappear through despair is to seek a temporary but necessary illusion, a place where we hope nothing can ever find us in the same way again.
Despair is a necessary and seasonal state of repair, a temporary healing absence, an internal physiological and psychological winter when our previous forms of participation in the world take a rest; it is a loss of horizon, it is the place we go when we do not want to be found in the same way anymore. We give up hope and certain particular wishes are no longer able to come true and despair is the time in which we both endure and heal, even when we have not yet found the new form of hope.
Melancholy provides a richer, and more powerful approach for addressing our concerns, even the most challenging ones. It doesn’t waste time with all of the insults, though, because of old habits, some may still leap into consciousness. When they do, those in melancholy can observe them without believing they are true. Rather, they recognize them as old unhelpful habits, allow themselves to experience the physical sensations that come with them, and then, when those sensations pass in their own good time, they move on to other work that needs to be done.
Transforming Depression To Melancholy
In our society, many of us learn to address our concerns using the depression pattern. How can they change that pattern so, when the bucket is full they experience, instead, melancholy?
One way that can be helpful, and won’t cost any money, is to start reading my blog, beginning with the first post (see HERE). Additionally, my three novels provide an entertaining way to learn to develop self respect (see HERE). There is a modest cost to purchasing them, but the ebook versions are very inexpensive.
Though most personal counselors are stuck in the medical model that pathologizes the experiences we discussed today, more and more are turning to an alternative approach that values enhancing self-compassion. Naturally my two favorites of these are my son, Jack Star Rubin, and his talented wife, Emily Whyte Rubin. You can learn about their services, which are available online, by clicking HERE. They rely on a variety of wisdom traditions that have demonstrated research support, and they listen deeply and compassionately as their clients’ express concerns. In this way, with the help of modeling, their clients come to adopt this way of listening deeply and compassionately as they, themselves, deal with their own concerns even when their counselor is not present.
Well, that’s my post for today. I hope you found some nourishing food for thought. Stay safe out there, and please join us again right here at From Insults to Respect.
———————————-
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
These days, many are performing their jobs from home and are missing the camaraderie of their workplace. Such drastic changes in their lives, and that of their families, give us reason to reflect on what work means to us.
Given the main focus of this blog, you might wonder what work has to do with respect. Well, many people achieve a great deal of respect from the work they do, while others are humbled by finding they have had little choice but to take a job far different from what they had aspired to in earlier days. Others, having lost their job and finding themselves falling deep into poverty, may be questioning their own self respect. So, without any further ado, here’s a little meditation on this topic insightfully aided by Bob Dylan’s “work” episode from his Theme Time Radio Hour series, which we can listen to HERE.
Bob’s Show On the Theme of Work
As the show begins, we hear a lively swinging rhythm of a horn and bass mixing it up, and then, Bob welcomes his listeners,
Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour, and this week we’re talking about work. We’re talkin’ about golden parachutes, poison pills, golden handshakes. We’re talking about workin’ like a dog, work around the clock, workin’ 9 to 5; talking about all the workin’ stiffs who’re workin’ for a livin’, who live to work, labor intensive, doin’ odd jobs, married to their job, them employee of the month hard at work. So this week, no kidding around, no fooling, no goofing off, no hanging around the water cooler, because we’re going to get right down to it, putting in an honest day’s work, for an honest day’s pay, for our subject de jure is work and jobs.
We’re going to start this thing off with the most famous poem by Walt Whitman, “I Hear America Singing.”
At this point Bob recites the poem, and he does a great job expressing the subtle emotion of its phrases:
I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,
Those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong,
The carpenter singing his as he measures his plank or beam,
The mason singing his as he makes ready for work, or leaves off work,
The boatman singing what belongs to him in his boat, the deckhand singing on the steamboat deck,
The shoemaker singing as he sits on his bench, the hatter singing as he stands,
The wood-cutter’s song, the ploughboy’s on his way in the morning, or at noon intermission or at sundown,
The delicious singing of the mother, or of the young wife at work, or of the girl sewing or washing,
Each singing what belongs to him or her and to none else,
The day what belongs to the day—at night the party of young fellows, robust, friendly,
Singing with open mouths their strong melodious songs.
Man, that Walt Whitman sure has an uplifting spirit.
Not all of Bob’s show relates to work in such a positive manner. For example, a little later Bob tells us,
We talked about Mondays before, and a lot of people don’t like them. Some like to call it blue Monday. T-Bone Walker called it stormy Monday. It’s the day you have to go back to the grind.
Imagine how bad it would be if you had one of the least popular jobs in the world. The least popular jobs are poultry processor, machine operator, farm worker, laundry worker, roofer, recycling plant worker, and street prostitute. Which is worse, street prostitute or poultry processor? Well, anyway, both of them probably hate Monday, so here’s their national anthem, “Stormy Monday,” by T-Bone Walker.
Some of the lyrics go like this:
They call it stormy Monday, and, baby, Tuesday’s just as bad
Call it stormy Monday, and, baby, Tuesday’s just as bad Wednesday’s worse, Thursday’s oh so sad.
The eagle flies on Friday, and Saturday I go out to play Well the eagle flies on Friday, and Saturday I go out to play Sunday I go to church, I kneel down and pray
Lord, have mercy, oh well it’s Lord have mercy on me Lord, have mercy, oh well my heart’s in misery
Wow, the languid interaction between the piano, horns, and guitar on that one blows me away.
Interesting thing about me is that often when I had a Monday to Friday job, I actually liked what I did during the work week, and yet I still super looked forward to Friday. It chiefly had to do with the freedom of being able to sleep in, and when I got up, I often could do what I wanted when I wanted. As far as I’m concerned, whoever came up with the idea of jobs that let you have a whole weekend off deserves a special place in this old heart of mine. The years I had to work seven days a week, and several nights as well, adds to my special appreciation of weekends.
Next up on the show, Bob has a guy explain to us why people work:
Why does everybody have a career doing some kind of work? People work because they enjoy doing some things that are useful, and to buy the things they need for themselves and their families.
From here we drift into Merle Haggard’s song, “Workin’ Man’s Blues.” A few of the relatable lyrics are,
I keep my nose on the grindstone, I work hard every day I might get a little tired on the weekend, after I draw my pay Then I’ll go back workin’, come Monday morning I’m right back with the crew I’ll drink a little beer that evening Sing a little bit of these working man blues
Sometimes I think about leaving, do a little bummin’ around I want to throw my bills out the window catch a train to another town I’ll go back working, I gotta buy my kids a brand new pair of shoes I drink a little beer in a tavern Cry a little bit of these working man blues, here comes that workin’ man blues
I like Bob’s reaction to the song:
You know, the working man is not the only man to have the blues; it’s also often tough to be the boss. It’s like what Robert Frost once said, “By working faithfully for eight hours a day, we may eventually get to be the boss and work twelve.”
Bob then tells us that if he had to have a boss, he would choose Bruce Springsteen.
When Bob said this, I first thought, well he hasn’t had to deal with any boss in years being the star of all of his performances. But then I thought about a great song of his, “Gotta Serve Somebody.” Take a look at a few of its lyrics:
You may be an ambassador to England or France You may like to gamble, you might like to dance You may be the heavyweight champion of the world You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes Indeed you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you’re gonna have to serve somebody
You might be a rock ‘n’ roll addict prancing on the stage You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage You may be a business man or some high-degree thief They may call you doctor or they may call you chief
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes you are
It seems to me there is a whole pile of wisdom packed into that song.
As the show moves further along, Bob tells us, “Hopefully, if you want a job, you can find a job,” and then plays for us Lee Dorsey’s “Gotta Find a Job.”A lot of folks these days can sure relate to this one. Here are a few of the lyrics:
I got to get out and find a job The roof is leaking and the rent ain’t paid Got to get a new pair of shoes and I’m all upset Old lady fussing bout the bills she make
I got to get out and find a job
Never made enough to put nothing on the side Problems, problems lordy I’m so tired Trouble by the dozen oh me, oh my
I got to get me out and find a job
I don’t know how I’m a gonna live Something got to break lord, something got to give I’m in trouble and I’m sincere I got to get me out and find a job
Unemployment days with no job to be found, a heck of a job to keep one’s spirits up.
Continuing with the issue of looking for a job, Bob reads us some strange “want ads” promising us that they are all true.
Man wanted to work in a dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great, but our most important ingredient is our people.
A pair of hardly used dentures, two teeth missing, $100 or best offer, call Ira after 6 PM.
From here, Bob plays us the delightful version of “Whistle While You Work,” from the magnificent animated movie, Snow White.
Just whistle while you work
And cheerfully together we can tidy up the place
So hum a merry tune
It won’t take long when there’s a song to help you set the pace
And as you sweep the room
Imagine that the broom
Is someone that you love and soon you’ll find you’re dancing to the tune
When hearts are high the time will fly so whistle while you work
The song captures the notion that perhaps even when we have work to do that strikes us as drudgery, perhaps we can adopt an attitude that will turn it into fun.
As the show begins to move toward its conclusion, Bob offers some tips about going on job interviews:
You want to keep in mind that you are going on an interview, not a date. Don’t drown yourself with perfume or cologne. Speak up. Interviewers don’t want to drag words out of you. On the other hand, don’t talk too much, you don’t want to bore them. Stay focused, listen to what the question is and answer it; they don’t want to hear about what your dog did last week. Make eye contact, you don’t want to appear to be some kind of criminal. Poor language skills don’t help. Using “like” every third word or repeatedly saying “um” does not make you a likely candidate. Build trust. Don’t use a lot of little white lies, you’re going to get caught, and then how are they to believe anything you say. Wear a clean shirt, and present the best you possible. And once you get the job, you can do what everyone else does, figure out ways to get the day off.
Well, there is far more to this topic, but it’s time for me to knock off. Until next time, stay well, and let’s keep hope alive that the current work climate will soon drift into more pleasant days.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
My last post, Baseball and Respect, aimed to provide keen insights about the nature of respect, insights that are relevant way beyond the world of baseball. To this end, we looked at the reasons some players and fans have given for singling out ballplayers they particularly respect.
As I was getting ready to finish that post, I felt frustrated because I had wanted to include three additional sections, one on Derek Jeter, one on how a new player is welcomed to a team, and one about a couple of notable baseball managers, John McGraw and Connie Mack. Nevertheless, I ended that post when I did because to include all of this would have made it way too long. So, today, let us resume our quest to deepen our understanding of the nature of respect via peering out at the wonderful world of baseball.
Derek Jeter
Besides having a Hall of Fame career, “The Captain” managed, on and off the field, to foster an exceptional degree of respect. Wonderfully capturing this sentiment is a YouTube video in which we see Jeter stepping into the batter’s box while the voice of the Yankees, Bob Sheppard, is announcing, “Now batting for the Yankees, number two, Derek Jeter, number two.” Then we see people from all walks of life, baseball players, a coach, various fans, a guy selling peanuts, police officers, fire fighters, a door man, etc., tipping their hat as a show of respect. What attributes did Jeter possess that makes these heartfelt displays credible? Grace under pressure, hard working, played hard, hustled every moment, and led by example, are regularly mentioned.
In New York City, where an army of reporters relentlessly seek to uncover some scandal to ignite their readership, Jeter managed to stay under their radar, and all that they were left with was regularly describing a hell of a class act. No fights, no steroids, no legal troubles, no distractions from what he was intent on doing–helping his team to be outstanding.
Off the field, Jeter founded the Turn 2 Foundation, a charity that motivates young people to “turn away from drugs and alcohol and ‘Turn 2’ healthy lifestyles.”
In interviews, even though he had plenty to brag about, and even when he had just won a big game with a clutch hit, Jeter remained humble while directing credit to his teammates.
Jeter often mentions that he hates to lose. Some people might take this to mean that he is a poor loser, but a poor loser is someone who becomes furious at teammates, blaming and insulting them for the loss. This was not at all Jeter’s style. Rather, his “hate to lose” attitude propelled him to strive to do his absolute best every minute of a game, and through his example, he led his fellow teammates to do the same. When discussing a disappointing loss, rather than putting down anyone, Jeter would express admiration for those on the other team who played hard to achieve their victory. That’s class!
One thing that I particularly admired about Jeter was that although he so passionately wanted to win, this desire was not expressed by hating his rivals. We saw this being expressed each time he would get a hit, for he had a delightful way of engaging in some friendly exchange with the player trying to hold him close to the base so he wouldn’t steal. Jeter’s ready smile during these interactions, even in the midst of a crucially important game, endeared him to players throughout the major leagues.
Of course, Jeter is not a perfect individual. Nobody is. As an example of what many thought a serious mistake in judgment, when Jeter assumed leadership of the Miami Marlins baseball team, he naturally wanted to bring in his own assistants. This meant he had to fire those who had been in those positions before he arrived. Rather than personally calling all of these individuals to explain why he was letting them go, he had one of his underlings do most of the dirty work. The press picked up the story, and hopefully Jeter, and the rest of us as well, learn something from this.
Not everyone is going to have the degree of talent in his or her chosen way to earn a living as Derek Jeter. Nevertheless, Jeter is an enduring inspiration to all seeking to earn respect by engaging in a variety of simple acts that pretty much all of us are well capable of doing on a day to day basis.
As a Yankee for twenty years, Jeter had ample opportunities to welcome new players joining the team. Not being a Yankee player myself, I can’t speak to how he handled this. But one thing that I do know, how it is handled can go a long way toward earning a significant degree of respect from the new guy, as we will now see.
How New Players are Treated
It’s no secret that ballplayers in the past often gave a hard time to a new player joining their team. In recent years, the major leagues developed a policy seeking to end this practice of hazing.
Some viewed the hazing as all in good fun, but at times there were really some underlying anger that was being disguised as playful teasing, and things got pretty rough. The anger typically came from the very real possibility that every time a new player shows up, another player on the team may be out of a job. If shortstop Bob has been having an extended slump, and a new shortstop comes on board, Bob does have something to worry about, and all of the other players who have come to like Bob may become concerned about losing a dear friend.
On occasion, some players handled these dynamics in a manner to be admired. In Lawrence Ritter’s fine book, The Glory of Their Times: The Story of Early Baseball Told by the Men who Played it, we see repeated examples of what I am referring to.
Jimmy Austin
Jimmy Austin played third base, arriving in 1909 with the Yankees, who were then called the New York Highlanders. Here’s his description of how he was treated:
You know, you hear all that stuff about the old-timers being so rough on rookies in those days. Well, you can’t prove it with me. Those guys were swell to me.
Wee Willie Keeler was still a pretty decent ballplayer, even then…. Wonderful fellow. I was too shy to say anything to him, but he came over to me one day and said, “Jim, you’ve got a great career ahead of you. If I can help you in any way, you just say the word.” How about that?
And Kid Elberfeld. Golly, I was out after the Kid’s third base job, but he always treated me fine.
Jimmy went on from there to tell how the Kid would stick up for him when the club secretary tried to treat him unfairly.
In Ritter’s book, we discover time after time ballplayers recalling incidences of kindness that a veteran bestowed on them when they first joined a team, incidences recalled more than forty years afterwards. When we try to identify attributes that foster respect, I think these stories reveal a lasting truth.
What About Respect and Baseball Managers?
We have been looking at the attributes of baseball players that other players and their fans have come to respect. Baseball field managers are a special subgroup of these ballplayers. Typically, they played professionally for many years, demonstrating keen knowledge of the game, and upon reaching an age at which they are too old to continue playing at a professional level, they are singled out by club owners and their upper management team as having leadership abilities. Here, we will take a quick look at two of these guys, John McGraw and Connie Mack, not because they were perfect human beings that never made a mistake, but because a few of their attributes are particularly informative when we want to get insights about the nature of respect.
John McGraw
Rube Marquard loved playing for the New York Giants. When asked why, he responded;
Take Mr. McGraw. What a great man he was! The finest and grandest man I ever met. He loved his players and his players loved him. Of course, he wouldn’t stand for any nonsense. You had to live up to the rules and regulations of the New York Giants, and when he laid down the law you’d better abide by it.
Fred Snodgrass also played for McGraw, and he pointed out some aspect of his leadership that he respected:
He’d never got on you for a mechanical mistake, a fielding error or failure to get a hit. He was a very fair man, and it was only when you really had it coming to you that you got it. And once he’d bawl you out good and proper, then he’d forget it. He wouldn’t ever mention it again, and in public he would always stand up for his players.
An example of something McGraw wouldn’t tolerate is not showing up for practice. Thus, there was a talented player named Bugs Raymond who wouldn’t show up at times because he had too much to drink. McGraw tried a few things to see if he could get Bugs to straighten himself out, like paying to bring his wife and children along with the team, both at home and on the road, but finally McGraw had enough and fired him.
Another attribute that Snodgrass appreciated about McGraw was his willingness to let players make decisions on their own initiative.
[A lot of people] think that John McGraw directed every move we made on the field, that he was an absolute dictator who told us when to do this and when to do that, down to the last detail. Well that’s not so…. McGraw allowed initiative to his men….
Of course, McGraw took charge sometimes. At certain points in a game he’d give instructions. But most of the time, as I say, the initiative was ours.
Chief Myers was a catcher for the Giants. What did he appreciate about McGraw? Before playing for McGraw, he and the other players were always booked at the cheapest hotels.
McGraw was the one who changed all that. He was the one who paid the price, and even more than the price, to get his ball team into the best hotels.
Here’s another attribute Myers respected about McGraw;
The reason Mcgraw was a great manager–and he was the greatest–was because he knew how to handle men. Some players he rode, and others he didn’t. He got the most out of each man…. One manager knows about as much about the fundamentals of baseball as another. What makes the difference is knowing each player and how to handle him. And at that sort of thing nobody came close to McGraw.
Connie Mack
In addition to McGraw, we find in Ritter’s book players repeatedly voicing high respect for Connie Mack.
After playing for eleven years in the major leagues as a catcher, Mack became a manager, first in the minor leagues, and then, for 50 years with the Philadelphia Athletics. To have that kind of longevity as a manager, he must have done at least some things right. Here’s one of them, according to pitcher Stanley Coveleski:
Connie was a good manager. He was a very considerate man. If you did something wrong, he’d never bawl you out on the bench, or in the clubhouse. In the evening he’d ask you to take a walk with him, and on the way he’d tell you what you done wrong.
Another pitcher for the Athletics, Rube Bressler, describe Mr. Mack, this way:
In my opinion, Connie Mack did more for baseball than any other human being–by the example he set, his attitude, the way he handled himself and his players. You know, like you’re playing a great game and you’re heroes to the children of this country. Live up to it, conduct yourself accordingly. Over a period of years others followed, and baseball became respectable. He was a true gentleman, in every sense of the word. Not many men are.
Mr. Mack strove to have his players become better people as well as better baseball players, and to that end he created a Code of Conduct following the 1916 season:
I will always play the game to the best of my ability.
I will always play to win, but if I lose, I will not look for an excuse to detract from my opponent’s victory.
I will never take an unfair advantage in order to win.
I will always abide by the rules of the game—on the diamond as well as in my daily life.
I will always conduct myself as a true sportsman—on and off the playing field.
I will always strive for the good of the entire team rather than for my own glory.
I will never gloat in victory or pity myself in defeat.
I will do my utmost to keep myself clean—physically, mentally, and morally.
I will always judge a teammate or an opponent as an individual and never on the basis of race or religion.
Pretty decent aspirations for all.
Conclusion
There is an old humorous quip that goes, “If you want a guy to respect you, all you have to do is agree with everything he tells you.” Well, there is just enough truth in this quip to make us smile. However, to more deeply understand the nature of respect, we can do better by looking at examples of individuals who have displayed attributes that led to the admiration of those who got to know them. Above, we looked at several such examples. I hope you found it insightful.
My Best
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
George Herman (Babe) Ruth (1895 - 1948) hugs former teammate Lou Gehrig (1903 - 1941), 1939. (Photo by Waite Hoyt Collection/Cincinnati Museum Center/Getty Images)
Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
The game of baseball offers us a unique look at the nature of respect for two reasons. First, the game provides several unusually objective statistics that give us a pretty good idea of the talent of a player. In many other fields, such as art or teaching, the criteria for talent is far less objective. Second, we find that despite this unusually objective talent criteria of baseball, when we take a look at two players that played the same position in the same era and have excellent statistics, sometimes we discover they have very different levels of respect given to them by the players’ peers and baseball fans. When we see such differences, by looking at the reasons players and fans give for this, we get particularly keen insights about the nature of respect, insights that can be applied not only to the green fields of baseball, but to other fields as well.
The Classic Example
Students of the game of baseball know that outfielders Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth were among the all time most talented players and yet the respect afforded to each can not be more different. In Lawrence S. Ritter’s wonderful book, The Glory of Their Times: The Story of the Early Days of Baseball Told by the Men Who Played It, we get a sense of why this is. So, for instance, Davy Jones played on the same team as Cobb. Here’s what he had to say:
Cobb was a very complex person–never did have many friends. Trouble was he had such a rotten disposition that it was damn hard to be his friend. I was probably the best friend he had on the club. I used to stick up for him, sit and talk with him on long trips, try to understand the man. He antagonized so many people that hardly anyone would speak to him, even among his own teammates.
Ty didn’t have a sense of humor, see. Especially, he could never laugh at himself. Consequently, he took a lot of things the wrong way. What would usually be an innocent-enough wisecrack would become cause for a fist fight if Ty was involved. It was too bad. He was one of the greatest players who ever lived, and yet he had so few friends. I always felt sorry for him.
In many ways he was resented by a lot of players because he was so doggone good, and that plus being ignored because he had such a nasty disposition meant that the man was very lonely. Of course, he brought a lot of it on himself, no doubt about that. A lot of time it seemed as though he was just asking for trouble.
Like one time in Detroit, when Cobb was in a batting slump. When Cobb was in a batting slump you couldn’t talk to him. He’d be meaner than the devil.
Davy Jones was not alone in his evaluation of Cobb. To take another example of this, teammate Sam Crawford described Cobb as follows:
Cobb was a great ballplayer, no doubt about it. But he sure wasn’t easy to get along with. He wasn’t a friendly, good natured guy, like Wagner was, or Walter Johnson, or Babe Ruth…. He came up with an antagonistic attitude, which in his mind, turned any little razzing into a life-or-death struggle.
Now compare this description of Cobb, with how third baseman, Jimmy Austen, described Babe Ruth:
The Babe was always friendly, a real nice guy who’d go out of his way any time to do you a favor. When Cobb was out there on that ball field, look out. He wasn’t anybody’s friend then. He was out to win, regardless….
Now Babe Ruth, he was different. What a warmhearted, generous soul he was. Always friendly, always time for a laugh or a wisecrack. The Babe always had a twinkle in his eye, and when he’d hit a homer against us he’d never trot past third without giving me a wink.
The Babe would give you the shirt off his back. All you had to do was ask. The big fellow wasn’t perfect. Everybody knows that. But the guy had a heart. He really did. A heart as big as a watermelon, and made out of pure gold.
Remarkable differences in levels of respect for ball players are observed not only by their peers, but by their fans as well.
The Perspective of Fans
Mike Gilmartin’s perspective.
I have several friends who are huge baseball fans, and as I began to think about writing this post, I decided to confer with them. Mike is from duh Bronx, so naturally he is a huge Yankees fan. When I asked him about this topic he wrote me an email that said in part:
Been thinking hard about the respect/baseball thing. There are several layers here:
1.Respect for the player. 2.Respect for the person who is the player. 3.Respect for the game.
Respect for the player, I think, has to do with what you personally have witnessed via countless games watched or listened to, accounts of his performance via reputable sources (books by baseball historians, interviews with peers, historical metrics). I would largely discount authorized biographies.
Respect for the person, I think, is very difficult to assess since few fans know the player as a person. There are countless examples of superb players who are rotten human beings. Several are in the Hall of Fame, ex. Ty Cobb. There are also examples of superb players who were also superb human beings. Several are in the Hall of Fame, ex. Lou Gehrig. Most players of all levels of ability are unknowable as human beings to fans.
Respect for the game, I think, depends largely on one’s definition of “how the game should be played.” For some, that is linked to sportsmanship. For others, that is linked to the bottom line of winning (I’m talking about pros here.) The recent Houston Astros scandal [involving using electronic devices to steal a catcher’s signals to his pitcher and relaying it to the batter] for example, was not valuing sportsmanship, but was valuing winning. Respect for the game is about behavior and that’s what is so tricky. Throwing a spitter, stealing signs, pitching high and tight, scuffing a baseball, juicing a bat, showing up an opponent, taking out a middle infielder or catcher, running up the score, bunting when far ahead, sliding with spikes up, hustling, showboating: some are time-honored acts, others are against the rules (written and unwritten) of the game. Some were, to complicate things, within the rules at one time and are not within the rules now.
It has been said that hitting a round ball square with a rounded bat is the hardest thing to do in sports. It has also been said that pro baseball is a hard game played by hard men. Most fans idealize the game and its players and collectively have created a mythology about it. Most players are doing every thing they can to earn a living and have no illusions about being part of a mythology. That is a real disconnect, wouldn’t you say?
This is a fine overview of the issues. As far as the disconnect that Mike mentions, I think that whereas there is some truth in what he says, nevertheless there does exist a mythology in many a major leaguer’s dreams. These players, as they were growing up, had their own special baseball heroes, and many thrive to respect this sense of greatness as they go about their lives.
Interestingly, Mike once had one of his poems published in ELYSIAN FIELDS: THE BASEBALL REVIEW, 1994. It poetically asks how fans feel about the incredibly talented player, Pete Rose, after he was banned from baseball for betting on games and lying about it. Mike used E. E. Cummings’s “Buffalo Bill” poem as the template for his poem, with its unusual combining of words:
e.e.cummings/pete rose goings
Pete Rose’s
defunct
who used to
wield a whipcrack-black
bat
and tattoo onetwothreefourfive hitsjustlikethat.
Jesus
he was a great ballplayer
and what i want to know is
how do you like your barrelchested boy now
Mister Fan?
No question Pete was talented, but did he end up being respected? I’ve run into some fans that still respect him to some degree, but most agree their esteem took a nosedive after they heard about the gambling incident.
Lennon Rubin’s Perspective
When I asked my son, Lennon, what he thought about this subject, he replied:
I’ve always respected Mariano Rivera. He was the best ever at a position but always seemed so humble and down to earth. And even though he made millions of dollars, he moved back to Panama to be a preacher after he retired. It’s not at all the life path I would have chosen, but as far as I can tell, he avoided all the pitfalls of fame and fortune, and I respect anybody who can handle that situation with class and not be pulled in by all the peer pressure and expectations attached to that.
Lennon’s not alone when it comes to having an enormous esteem for Mariano. The stellar reliever became the first player unanimously elected into Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
Bill Vincent’s Perspective
My friend, Bill, grew up in Danville, PA, and became a huge Phillies fan. When I asked him which player he came to respect most of all, he quickly mentioned the Phillies’ Hall of Fame pitcher, Robin Roberts. As I discussed with Bill his reasons for this choice, he explained,
When I was growing up, the Phillies were arguably the worst team in the major leagues. After so many years rooting for a team that would lose so, so many games, suddenly Roberts appeared on the scene, along with the other young “Whiz Kids” and it was such a thrill to suddenly have a competitive team.
Roberts was respected on and off the field of play. He was incredibly smart and a great storyteller with a great memory and an eye for details. Stan Musial said of Roberts: “he is one of the most respected senior citizens in the game and serves on the board of directors for both the Baseball Hall of Fame and the Baseball Assistance Team which seeks to help former players experiencing financial difficulty.”
Dave Lesser’s Perspective
Dave is a friend of mine who grew up in Queens and naturally became a Mets fan. However, now that he has been living in Georgetown, he has been rooting for the Nationals.
When I asked Dave about this topic, like Mike Gilmartin, he was quick to point out the importance of drawing a distinction between respect for the player’s skills and respect for the player’s character. Expanding on this topic, he said,
To a large extent we seem to equate the two, assuming that a talented, handsome ballplayer with a winning smile must be a great guy. That, we know, is often not true, as baseball players are at least as likely as the general population to have character flaws.
Early Photo of Reporters at a New York Giants Game
In the old days of baseball, reporters were much more loyal and beholden to the ball club, and therefore less likely to write unflattering stories about a player’s off the field behavior. So it wasn’t until after a player retired that we learned about their true character. Today we know more—but not everything—about a player’s character, as those subjects are no longer off limits.
Hall of Famer Roberto Clemente is Dave’s choice for all time most respected baseball player. Dave mentioned Roberto’s incredible athleticism and his devotion to helping people living in dire circumstances. For those not familiar with Roberto’s charitable efforts, here’s some of the story according to Wikipedia:
Clemente spent much of his time during the off-season involved in charity work. When Managua, the capital city of Nicaragua, was affected by a massive earthquake on December 23, 1972, Clemente (who visited Managua three weeks before the quake) immediately set to work arranging emergency relief flights.[65] He soon learned, however, that the aid packages on the first three flights had been diverted by corrupt officials of the Somoza government, never reaching victims of the quake.[66] He decided to accompany the fourth relief flight, hoping that his presence would ensure that the aid would be delivered to the survivors.[67]The airplane he chartered for a New Year’s Eve flight, a Douglas DC-7cargo plane, had a history of mechanical problems and an insufficient number of flight personnel (missing both a flight engineer and copilot), and was overloaded by 4,200 pounds.[68] It crashed into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Isla Verde, Puerto Rico immediately after takeoff on December 31, 1972 due to engine failure.[69] …. The bodies of Clemente and three others who were also on the four-engine plane were never recovered.
Clemente was posthumously presented the three most prestigious US civilian awards, The Roberto Clemente Walker Congressional Gold Medal, The Presidential Medal of Freedom, and The Presidential Citizens Medal. The citation for this last award reads:
All who saw Roberto Clemente in action, whether on the diamond or on the front lines of charitable endeavor, are richer for the experience. He stands with the handful of men whose brilliance has transformed the game of baseball into a showcase of skill and spirit, giving universal delight and inspiration. More than that, his selfless dedication to helping those with two strikes against them in life has blessed thousands and set an example for millions. As long as athletes and humanitarians are honored, Roberto Clemente’s memory will live; as long as Citizens Medals are presented, each will mean a little more because the first one went to him.
Mighty fine praise for a heck of a fellow.
Oh, oh! Yipes! I’ve run out of time and yet I wanted to say something about Derek Jeter and a couple of team managers. Moreover, today’s topic requires a summary section that pulls together all of the various characteristics of people in baseball who are well recognized as being particularly deserving of respect. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to include all of this in my next post. Until then, I’d love to hear from all of you about the qualities you look for when determining your degree of respect for players.
Thanks for stopping by,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
The Baseball season is in high gear, so let’s listen to one of its greatest fans, Bob Dylan.
Listening to Bob’s Baseball Show
It begins with a few brief notes from an organ you might hear at a ball park. Then we hear a crowd apparently getting stirred up just as a game is about to get underway. And then we hear Bob welcoming us, and introducing this show’s theme:
Tonight we’re going to head out to the fields of dreams, schemes and themes, the ever widening diamond, to take a look at the national past time, baseball.
Bob then begins to recite a poem:
Nelly Kelly loved baseball games, Knew the players, knew all their names, You could see her there ev’ry day, Shout “Hurray!” when they’d play. Her boy friend by the name of Joe Said, “To Coney Isle, dear, let’s go,” Then Nelly started to fret and pout, And to him I heard her shout.
Here, Bob begins to sing the poem’s next stanza, and to my surprise it turns out that this poem contains the original lyrics of a song that all fans are thoroughly familiar with–“Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
“Take me out to the ball game, Take me out with the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack, I don’t care if I never get back, Let me root, root, root for the home team, If they don’t win it’s a shame. For it’s one, two, three strikes, you’re out, At the old ball game.”
After singing this verse, Bob continues reciting the poem:
Nelly Kelly was sure some fan, She would root just like any man, Told the umpire he was wrong, All along, good and strong. When the score was just two to two, Nelly Kelly knew what to do, Just to cheer up the boys she knew, She made the gang sing this song.
At this point, Bob plays us a version of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” by some artist, but doesn’t reveal who it is. Although it has the same lyrics with which we fans are all so familiar, the singer employs an entirely unique melody.
Next, Bob sends up to bat the swinging Mable Scott doing “Baseball Boogy.”
Do you, baby, know what it’s all about, Get that bat baby, You can hit a home run!
And when I wind up, I’m pitching my all to you So get your bat ready And let’s see what you can do.
Man, that Mable can sure belt one right outta the park!
Next, Bob steps up to the plate and tells us,
In the 50’s, every red blooded American boy wanted either to play baseball or be Elvis Presley. Here’s a Rockabilly song by Chance Halladay that combines both.
The lyrics on this one are pretty wild. Here’s a little taste:
Grand slam,
Yes Ma’am A clean sweep off of your feet. A home run Oh Honey Bun, A smack on your lips. Honey babe,
Come on, let’s cross home plate!
At one point, Bob tells us about a conversation he had with a famous actor.
I caught up with Charlie Sheen at a car wash. He’s a big baseball fan and he has a lot of opinions about the game.
Bob then plays us a recording of what Charlie had to say:
Baseball, to me, represents life. It’s about heroes and goats, it’s about success and failure. It’s about individual effort, it’s about team effort. Baseball is about the game within the game. It’s really the only game that is not governed by time. And the thing that makes me insane is the people who say baseball is boring. It’s just playing catch. They don’t understand the game within the game. They don’t understand that how much changes from pitch to pitch. It’s actually fractions of a second that a hitter has to make a decision that he is actually going to swing, and then put it either between guys or hit it over the fence.
From there, Bob plays us a little audio clip of an announcer calling the thrilling, yet poignant, moment when Ted Williams, at his last at bat of his career, hits a long home run. The reaction of the crowd is just heartwarming.
As the show goes on, we get to hear a powerful poem about how the sport celebrates the American dream, with Latin, Black, and White players joining together to thrill a San Francisco Giants crowd. Some of the lines have a distinct edge to them, a kinda kick in the pants to the time when the major leagues were a whites only affair. Here’s a little of what I mean:
And Juan Marichal comes up, and the Chicano bleachers go loco again, as Juan belts the first ball out of sight, and rounds first and keeps going and rounds second and rounds third, and keeps going and hits paydirt to the roars of the grungy populace. As some nut presses the backstage panic button for the tape-recorded National Anthem again, to save the situation. But it don’t stop nobody this time, in their revolution round the loaded white bases, in this last of the great Anglo-Saxon epics, in the territorio libre of Baseball.
Soon, we get a little sliver of the great Abbott and Costello “Who’s on first, What’s on Second” routine. And of course, there are tribute songs to Jackie Robinson and Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio. One of these have lyrics written by Woody Guthrie. Here’s Bob setting up the song:
Here’s another song about Joltin Joe, done by Billy Brag and Wilco, where they take the unfinished lyrics of Woody Guthrie and add music to them. Woody Guthrie of course was the American folk artist that at the time of his death in 19 and 67, Guthrie left behind 2500 songs, the lyrics about New York streets, film star idols, drinking, dying, and even spaceships for providing a completely different aspect of Woody’s public persona. Here’s a song that Woody wrote about Joe, the Yankee Clipper.
A few of the lyric are:
Joe with wife, Marilyn Monroe
Up along the clouds where the eagles roam Joe cracked that ball to whine and moan His buddies all laugh as they trot on in Joe DiMaggio’s done it again!
One of my favorite songs in Bob’s collection of baseball songs is The Treniers swinging version of “Say Hey,” which is about the magnificent Willie Mays. Part of the fun of it is that it actually has the participation of the Say Hey Kid himself.
Say hey, say who? Say Willie,
He runs the bases like a choo-choo train
Swings around second like an aeroplane
His cap flies off when he passes third
And he heads home like an eagle bird.
Say hey, say who?
Say Willie
Say hey, say who?
Swinging at the plate
Say hey, say who?
Say Willie
That Giants kid is great
At one point Bob says:
Let’s check out the email basket. I hope they don’t throw us a curve.
Today’s email is from Jamie Vincent from Las Vegas, Nevada. She writes, Dear Theme Time, I enjoy listening to baseball games late at night, but my parents say the radio keeps them up. What should I do?
Jamie, you should do what I used to do. When I was supposed to be asleep, I would take my radio and slip it under my pillow. Then put your ear next to the pillow, which you’re supposed to do with pillows anyway. This way you can hear the second game of a double header without bothering anyone else in the house. Thanks for your email, your private pillow pal.
As the show begins to wind down, Bob plays us “Heart” from the Damn Yankees musical. Man, if that song doesn’t lift your spirits, I don’t know what will:
Listen, guys, this game is only half skill,
the other half, well you gotta have heart.
You’ve gotta have heart All you really need is heart When the odds are sayin’ you’ll never win That’s when the grin should start You’ve gotta have hope
Mustn’t sit around and mope Nothin’s half as bad as it may appear Wait’ll next year and hope When your luck is battin’ zero Get your chin up off the floor Mister, you can be a hero You can open any door, there’s nothin’ to it but to do it You’ve gotta have heart Miles ‘n miles n’ miles of heart!!!!
Well, there you have it, a little fun as we await the opening of next year’s fresh new season.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
From time to time, many of us find ourselves in a position of leadership. This may come about because we are a parent, or asked to plan a trip with some friends, or hired to be a supervisor in some business, or elected to some political office. Each time we take on the role of a leader, we also take on the risk, will we end up being respected or insulted. What are some suggestions for guiding us through the possibility of such turbulent waters? Perhaps I can find some sound advice by flipping through my copy of the Tao Te Ching.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Tao Te Ching, the title can be translated as The Book of the Way and Its Virtues. It’s designed to teach inner strength and integrity. The author is thought to be Lao Tzu, an ancient Chinese philosopher and founder of philosophical and religious Taoism.
Although I draw upon this book from time to time, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m a strict adherent to that way of thinking or to any of the isms for that matter. Whenever I have a concern, or others ask me to address their concerns, I draw upon a variety of wisdom traditions, and the Tao Te Ching is certainly among the greatest of these.
As I personally deal with a concern, all of the wisdom traditions that I have learned about tend to get all mixed together as if they were in a multi-ingredient soup. Then, I throw into the pot a dash of my own creativity, and voila, I come up with my own unique concoction.
As I flip through the book’s pages, one of the poems catches my interest:
To be in favor or disgrace is to live in fear. To take the body seriously is to admit one can suffer.
What does this mean, to be in favor or disgrace is to live in fear? Favor debases: we fear to lose it, fear to win it. So to be in favor or disgrace is to live in fear.
I think I’ll stop here for a minute even though there are still two other stanzas to the poem. I want to mull over what I had just read.
A few minutes pass. I think I’m beginning to catch its meaning. To be in favor, is kind of like what I mean when I refer to a person as being respected. And when I think about why someone who is respected might have some fear about being respected, I think about an old saying–“People like to cut down the tallest bamboo tree.”
When a person becomes respected, some people compare themselves to the respected person. If, in this comparison, they come to believe they are not as respected, this may ignite feelings of envy. Some of these people may seek to act in ways that harm the respected person in an effort to bring her or him down to a lower, less threatening, level. I wonder if President John F. Kennedy might have been assassinated because of this type of motivation.
Initially, it was hard for me to see what point Lao Tzu was trying to make here because I often admire people who are respected and try to learn from them. Of course, there are some exceptions to this. Apparently Hitler was respected by many in Germany many years ago. Despite that, I doubt that I would have respected him.
In contrast to my difficulty understanding why to be respected is to live in fear, I have no difficulty understanding why living in disgrace is to live in fear. Bernie Madoff, the former investment advisor who became disgraced for carrying out a massive Ponzi scheme, comes to mind. His disgrace led to him currently serving a lengthy federal prison sentence. People who act in a manner that leads to their disgrace certainly have good reason to fear some bad things will be the result.
Anyway, I guess I’m ready to move on to the next stanza of the poem:
What does that mean, to take the body seriously is to admit one can suffer? I suffer because I’m a body; if I weren’t a body, how could I suffer?
That stanza reminds me of the first noble truth of Buddhism. Life is not ideal: it frequently fails to live up to our expectations. Human beings are subject to desires and cravings, but even when we are able to satisfy these desires, the satisfaction is only temporary. Birth brings about suffering, as does aging, illness, the approaching of death, union with what is displeasing, separation from what is pleasing, not to get what one wants, etc.
With this understanding, I guess I’ll move on to the final stanza of this poem to see what insight it might provide regarding leadership.
So people who set their bodily good before the public good could be entrusted with the commonwealth, and people who treated the body politic as gently as their own body would be worthy to govern the commonwealth.
Hmmm? Well, I guess there are a few ways to interpret all of this. Here’s my take, and I would love to hear from others about their takes as well.
Upon finishing the whole poem, I remembered three additional relevant passages from the Tao Te Ching. The first says,
If my mind’s modest, I walk the great way. Arrogance is all I fear.
The second phrase says,
He who strides cannot maintain the pace. He who makes a show is not enlightened. He who is self-righteous is not respected. He who boasts achieves nothing. He who brags will not endure.
Accept disgrace willingly. Accept misfortune as the human condition. Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things. Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things
The Third one says,
Working yet not taking credit, Leading yet not dominating, This is the Primal Virtue.
As I include these phrases with the poem, I find myself thinking that major virtues of the Tao Te Ching are to be kind, compassionate, and helpful. These are essential qualities, from the Tao Te Ching perspective, when we seek to do something virtuous for the public good. But, we must first take care to learn to care for our own body, noticing the fear, and then to act to deal effectively with this aspect of our body.
To be aware that to be arrogant, or to seek to be more in favor than others, can be risky. At the same time, awareness that if we do act in ways that could lead to our disgrace, this too can be risky. Such awareness encourages the virtuous person to be humble, and this includes being humble when we make mistakes that lead people to view us as being disgraced.
How to utilize effectively the fear that comes from being in favor, or in disgrace? The virtuous person has learned that to be effective under this set of circumstances is to avoid being domineering and a braggart. By fully and deeply understanding this, he or she becomes worthy to be a leader of the commonwealth.
There are far more subtle lessons in the Tao Te Ching regarding being virtuous, but this is what came out of my recent visit with its thoughtful pages. I hope you find something nourishing to take away from it.
Before leaving you today, allow me to humbly express the hope that we all remain well as we deal with this wild and crazy world we find ourselves living in these days.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Civility in politics is a rare commodity. Sadly, the insults are bitter and unrelenting as ever. But do disagreements have to lead to the abandoning of civility? To deepen our thinking about this, I invite you to take a little stroll with me along the path Abraham Lincoln took during the USA’s greatest conflict.
Lincoln’s Way Of Responding to People With Different Views From His Own
Lincoln and Douglas
When Lincoln was just getting into politics, there were a few occasions when he wrote some insulting words about his rivals. Then, by about 1842, he decided to cut it out. Rather than to insult his rivals, who typically had supporters Lincoln hoped to switch allegiance to him, he came to understand that it was better to be kind to those who hold opposing opinions. In defending his position that owning slaves is wrong, rather than hurling hatred toward southerners who were supporting it, he explained during one of his debates with Stephen Douglas,
As I have not felt, so I have not expressed any harsh sentiments toward our southern brethren. I have constantly declared, as I really believe, the only difference between them and us, is the difference of circumstances. I have meant to assail the motives of no party, or individual; and if I have, in any instance, (of which I am not conscious) departed from my purpose, I regret it.
Rather than malice toward rivals, he spoke loud enough to be heard, but without shouting, and rather than revealing a heart of anger, his voice communicated sadness and great sincerity. When Douglas argued that by freeing the slaves, this would lead to what many in the audience viewed as the absolute horror of the mixing of blood by the white and black races, Lincoln responded by pointing to the last census at the time. It indicated there were 405,751 mulattoes (a term used to refer to offspring who had both black and white parents) in the United States in 1850. He then went on to say,
Nearly all have sprung from black slaves and white masters… the chances of these black girls ever mixing their blood with that of white people would have been diminished at least to the extent that it could not have been without their consent. But Judge Douglas is delighted to have them be slaves, and not human enough to have a hearing, even if they were free, and thus left subject to the forced concubinage of their masters, and liable to become the mothers of mulattoes in spite of themselves; the very situation that produces nine-tenths of all the mulattoes–all the mixing of blood in the nation.
Notice, if you will, that in the above quote, Lincoln expresses his disagreement with Judge Douglas without any insulting name calling, and yet still manages to powerfully make his point.
During one of the debates with Douglas about slavery, it was Lincoln’s turn to counter what Douglas had just said. He began,
I do not propose to question the patriotism or to assail the motives of any man, but rather to confine myself strictly to the naked merits of the question….Let me say I think I have no prejudice against the southern people. They are just what we would be in their situation. If slavery did not exist among them, they would not introduce it. If it did now exist among us, we should not instantly give it up. This I believe of the masses North and South. Doubtless there are individuals on both sides who would not hold slaves under any circumstances, and others who would gladly introduce slavery anew if it were out of existence…. When southern people tell us they are no more responsible for the origin of slavery than we are, I acknowledge the fact. When it is said that the institution exists, and that it is very difficult to get rid of it in a satisfactory way, I can understand and appreciate the saying. I surely will not blame them for not doing what I should not know how to do it myself.
At another debate, Lincoln responded with relatable reasoned arguments to those who were wondering if they should or should not support slavery. Thus, in describing the meaning of “all men are created equal,” he explained,
All I ask for the negro is that, if you do not like him, let him alone. If God gave him but little, that little let him enjoy. Certainly the negro is not our equal in color–perhaps not in many other respects; still, in the right to put into his mouth the bread that his own hands have earned, he is the equal of every man, white or black. In pointing out that more has been give to you, you cannot be justified in taking away the little which has been given him.
When asked to speak in Chicago, he found many with different nationalities. Many were people asking themselves in what special and particular ways this country was better than the old. Most had no grandfathers who served in the American Revolution because they or their parents arrived afterwards. Speaking to the torch-lighted faces who gathered to hear him speak from the Tremont House balcony, he explained something profound about these peoples’ connection to all Americans:
If they look back to trace their connection with those days of blood, they find they have none; they cannot carry themselves back to the glorious epoch and make themselves feel they are part of us; but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence, they find that those old men say that “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal,” and they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relationship to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh, of the men who wrote that Declaration; and so they are.
And then he passed on from here to describe the argument made by some that their race, or some other race, is to be treated as inferior. To this, he explained:
What are these arguments? They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. You will find that all the arguments in favor of kingcraft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people–not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. That is the argument–You work and I eat, you toil and I will enjoy the fruits of it.
To those who believe that without insulting those with whom we disagree it would be impossible to rouse the audience of a candidate, listen for a moment, to the reaction of Lincoln’s no insult Cooper Union speech, as described by a New York Tribune reporter.
There were applause, cheers; hats and handkerchiefs went into the air. He’s the greatest man since St Paul. The tones, the gestures, the kindling eyes, and the mirth-provoking look defy the reporter’s skill. The vast assemblage frequently rang with cheers and shouts of applause. No man ever before made such an impression on his first appeal to a New York audience.
Upon hearing the news that Lincoln had won the 1864 presidential election, he was serenaded by a crowd of supporters. He responded to them, ”
I am thankful to God for this approval of the people. But while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one; but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.
Lincoln understood that to build a strong country and a better future he would have to work with those who disagreed with him, and that included many who not only disagreed with him, but had launched some pretty rough insults at him when he was running for president. Doris Kearns Goodwin’s insightful book Team of Rivals is the story of Lincoln building his team of advisors that included as central players these very same rivals. A lesser man would have been threatened by this, kept them at arm’s length, and brought in only yes men.
Throughout his presidency, throughout the civil war, he liked to use sentences and phrases such as,
Let us at all times remember that all American citizens are brothers of a common country, and should dwell together in the bonds of fraternal feeling.
and,
..let us judge not, that we be not judged.
And, as the war approached its end, he spoke to the American people, saying:
With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.
Conclusion
Lincoln Memorial
Well, there you have it, an example of a highly successful politician who tried his best to remain civil even when confronted with positions with which he strongly disagreed, and when dealing with people who had not been at all civil to him. In providing this example, I don’t want to accidentally mislead you, so let me be clear about one particular point.
Lincoln would criticize a person’s opinion, and at times this could come across as insulting the person who had expressed the opinion. He often used a little humor to make the point. For example, after Douglas made a particular argument, Lincoln responded that it was as thin as chicken soup made with the shadow of a chicken. Often, even those who disagreed with him would burst out laughing. That said, I hasten to point out that he never let the humorous comment provide his only reason why he disagreed. Instead, he would go on from there to provide clearly stated reasons for his disagreeing.
So, with that clarification, I leave you today with the hope that we can find it in our hearts to express our disagreements in a kind and civil manner.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Welcome to From Insults To Respect. Today, Fathers Day, with many of us gathering with family members, it seems an apt time to take a few minutes to think about what family means to us.
Welcome once again to Theme Time Radio Hour. I got nothing to sell, nothing to promote, just a good friend stopping by.
As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I rested at home in the bosom of my family.” Old TJ was a smart guy.
Well, Melody, that’s an interesting question. Parents shouldn’t have favorites among their children, but sometimes they do. You should forget about trying to convince him that he is being unreasonable and instead pose a couple of questions. Do you think his son needs stricter rules than his daughter? Is he perhaps remembering what he did as a child? How is his strictness affecting the children? I think perhaps the best solution is to do more things as a complete family. Don’t break them up into small teams or units. The more things you do together, he will treat both children equally. I’m sure you guys will work it out. And stop giving my shows away.
Other people have put that tag on him in some otherworldly sense. I say it as any kid who admired his dad and had a great relationship with him. He never missed a single Little League game I had. He’s collected every home-run ball I ever hit. And he’s still affectionate to me.” He paused and smiled. “Maybe he doesn’t want people to know that,” he said. “
But I’ll tell you, because it’s my interview.”…. “Look, he’s the best at what I do. I know that, and so do my heroes. I got to watch my heroes meet him and saw how they reacted, whether it was Joe Strummer or Tom Waits. It was peculiar. I’m so stoked to meet Tom Waits, and he’s so nervous to meet my dad. It’s a head spin.”
One day, upon striking out in a baseball game, the F-word leaped from my mouth. I immediately looked around to see who was in earshot. I knew my teammates wouldn’t take offense, but my curse was shouted, and I feared it might have reached the ears of my coach, or some in the stands who might be wounded by the disrespectful blow.
Later, I wondered why I cry out with this word despite knowing some might feel it disrespectful, and even sinful. Upon reflection, it occurred to me that I grew up in Brooklyn, and the F-word, along with quite a few other unseemly expressions, were so common, that I just picked up the habit rather innocently.
At one point, I happened to be writing a novel titled, 
Oh, I guess I should warn you, there is cursing in the story, including the F-word, so if you find such language unsuitable to your ears, you might want to skip the story and go directly to the “Reflections By Scientists On Cursing” section.
“What do you say tomorrow night we go to The Village?” asks George to Cliff, Steve and me as we eat a late Friday night snack at the Avenue U Diner.”
“What the fuck did you do that for?” George hollers.
“Jesus fucking Christ, what are you, the speech police?” George hollers. 
We begin to walk toward Ocean Parkway, along Avenue U. It’s mild out, with a very black sky; street lights cast a soft yellowy brightness along our path.
“I’ve heard women curse,” says George.
“George,” says Steve, “you know damn well that there’re places where you’re just being disrespectful when you curse. I never hear you curse at school when a teacher is in earshot.”
When I was growing up in Brooklyn, cursing was just something I picked up from listening to the other kids in the neighborhood, kinda like how I picked up my Brooklyn accent. I heard some adults use cursing as well.
As I got older, it seemed it was a way to bond with the guys–kinda like it made you one of the boys. You did it to rebel from the authorities who objected to such language. Sex and toiletry matters were not something people were to talk about openly, so if you did, you were somehow respected for rebelling against social norms. Shooting the shit, was an act thought of as being gutsy, a respected attribute for many a teenager. My wife tells me that similar language was used as well among her female friends when she was growing up in Rochester, New York, and apparently for the same reasons.
This experiment examined the effects of judicious swearing on persuasion in a pro‐attitudinal speech. Participants listened to one of three versions of a speech about lowering tuition that manipulated where the word “damn” appeared (beginning, end, or nowhere). The results showed that obscenity at the beginning or end of the speech significantly increased the persuasiveness of the speech and the perceived intensity of the speaker. Obscenity had no effect on speaker credibility.
Swearing, also known as cursing, can be best described as a form of linguistic activity utilizing taboo words to convey the expression of strong emotions. Although swearing and cursing are frequently occurring behaviors, the actual functions of swearing remain largely unknown. Since swearing typically includes taboo words, these words can be more powerful than non-swear words. 
Therefore, people who swear are often judged negatively, because the uttered swearwords can shock and disturb others, though the comments of others are strongly dependent on contextual factors. In this review, we provide an insight into the current state of the literature with respect to the interpersonal functions of swearing. In addition, we briefly discuss neurological, psychosocial and contextual factors that may contribute to a person’s swearing behavior. Swearing is hypothesized to produce a catharsis-effect, which results in a relief of stress or pain. Swearing also influences the perceived credibility, intensity, and persuasiveness of the swearer. Additionally, swearing can have a variety of interpersonal consequences, including promoting group bonding and solidarity, inhibiting aggression, eliciting humor, and causing emotional pain to others. This paper further presents a hypothetical model of swearing that draws from basic emotion research in an attempt to provide a scaffolding for future research.
I happened to notice that the review mentions eliciting humor as an interpersonal consequence of cursing. I find that interesting because of my own personal reaction to humor that uses cursing. A couple of times I’ve gone to comedy clubs and found that the comedians used so much cursing in their routines that it began to rub me the wrong way. It just seemed obnoxious to me, and yet others found their shtick hysterical.
Certainly cursing is not required to make people laugh. Millions find shows like, I Love Lucy and Seinfeld wonderfully funny despite there being no cursing. So, it is a puzzle to me why I, who grew up regularly hearing cursing, find that there is a point at which it begins to grate on my nerves, while others are willing to spend a pretty high ticket price to hear such shows. 
This phenomenon has taught me that individuals react so incredibly different to different styles of humor and how much cursing they can hear before it becomes annoying.
Well, recently I published a post titled, “The Nature of Depression and Melancholy” (see 
Depression and melancholy, as I explained more fully in 
This memory can be visualized as a bucket. When it is only slightly filled, each time the memory warns you that you have some work to do in order to deal with your various concerns, you can, if you so choose, easily put off dealing with them until a more convenient time by shifting your attention so you can carry out some other task.
As the concerns become more frequent, or feel more intense, some medical doctors, particularly psychiatrists, will be eager to classify your experience as a symptom of a mental disorder and prescribe drugs to deal with this. It is a lucrative business model, but in my opinion, this causes more harm than good. 
One way or another, concerns have to be addressed, and masking them with substances that have a variety of harmful side effects will only lead to more concerns in the long run.
We can visualize this as being born with either a large, average, or small concern memory bucket. For those who are born with a relatively large concern bucket, they can hold more concerns and larger, more serious concerns before their bucket begins to become filled than an average person. Thus, they can go for longer periods before they begin to have more and more difficulty shifting their attention away from their concerns. Others who are born with smaller buckets find that it takes less time than the average person for it to begin to fill up. Thus, even when facing relatively few and minor concerns than the average person, they nevertheless begin to have more and more difficulty shifting their attention away from their concerns.
For example, meditating once or twice a day provides an opportunity to spend time addressing concerns with little distractions. Although as we enter into meditation, we don’t do so with the intent to address concerns, they naturally bubble up from the relatively peaceful state, and our minds spend time working through our various concerns in a natural manner.
In today’s world, there are an incredible number of opportunities to distract us from addressing our concerns, from entertaining TV shows, movies, the ease of calling friends, and engaging on social media platforms. Methods that free us from so many distractions for periods of time can be enormously helpful in avoiding reaching what some have described as a nervous breakdown.
So, the six common characteristics of depression, melancholy, and anxiety I want to bring to your attention are, 1. the concern memory system serves as a warning sign, 2. we can delay attending to these warnings for a limited period of time, 3. when we put off dealing with our concerns, they don’t just go away, they come back again and again until they are adequately addressed, 4.despite our efforts at putting them off, as our concerns begin to accumulate without being fully addressed, it becomes harder to delay dealing with them, and our memory begins to remind us of them more frequently and more intensely, until we reach a point at which we must attend to them, like it or not, 5. people vary on how many and how serious their concerns must become before they no longer can divert their attention from their concerns, and 6. we can decrease the period of time before our concerns start to reach extremely frequent, strong, intense experiences by putting aside each day some time to reduce external distractions so we can more smoothly and comfortably address our concerns.
If we perceive a tiger rushing toward us, we would experience fear that would immediately fill up our concern bucket, and our attention would be completely on this event. During this time, you would not be thinking about what TV show you want to watch later that evening. Instead, your body would go into a state of flight or fight, your heart would be pounding, and adrenalin would begin to circulate in your blood, giving you added strength.
For example, observing a doctor coming toward you to give you an injection might produce just a mild degree of fear. At such time, you might decide to divert your attention to a pleasant image, and find you can do this.
For example, a woman might have plans to traverse a path in a jungle next week having heard that tigers have attacked people on that path. Each time she thinks about this, she is very likely to experience some fear.
After a hard day at work, Rob desires to get home so he can relax. As he is driving home, suddenly he hits a traffic jam, slowing his car almost to a stop. He initially experiences frustration. As he assesses the situation, he sees there is some road construction blocking one of the lanes. Then he sees that just up ahead, once cars pass the construction, traffic picks up to normal. This five-minute delay is no big deal, and his mind passes to some song playing on his radio.
Shanice desires to be viewed by her family as an excellent cook, and her family of four love that she takes charge of the evening meal. One day, as Shanice is working around her house, a concern arises within. She thinks to herself, “What should I make for supper?” When she can’t think of anything, she feels frustrated. Over the past few days, she has gone through her main classics, and now she doesn’t want to make something she views as “the same old, same old.”
Suddenly the phone rings, and because Shanice is in the midst of experiencing her frustration over this issue, she pauses before answering, thinking she wants to get her supper plans settled. But then she says, “I guess I could put this supper stuff off for a few minutes,” and she decides to answer her phone.
As Shanice flips through these recipes, her eyes fall upon one for sesame pasta. “Oh,” she says, “the last time I made this, everyone raved about it. I haven’t made it in a long time. I bet this might be a perfect choice, and she is now even more hopeful.”
Fred, an assistant manager in his firm, desires to get a promotion. When his annual review comes, it is excellent, and his hopes soar. One day the firms owner calls him into her office. He thinks to himself, “Maybe she’s going to tell me I’ve been promoted,” and once again his hope soars. Instead of a promotion, she fires Fred, explaining that the firm was just bought out by a big conglomerate, and they are bringing in their own personnel leadership.
During the walk, as he recalls moments of his firing and the loss of seeing his coworkers, powerful emotions arise within, and he sits on a park bench and begins to cry.
It’s a month later. He is grieving because he has received rejection letters from two of the nearby firms. He also finds that when he wakes up every morning he has a bout of anxiety, fearing the letter carrier will bring another rejection letter.
Here we see an example of someone experiencing, during a period of months, strong feelings of hope, frustration, anxiety, grief, fear, and happiness. There are times Fred has trouble concentrating on the usual family matters and community obligations. Still, many of the important tasks of life that don’t involve looking for a job manages to get done by Fred. But, at one point, he does excuse himself so he can eliminate distractions, fully experience his emotions, and formulate some plans.
Janet has just graduated from a Mental Health Counseling masters program. She now has thousands of dollars in college loans, but her husband makes just enough money so their living expenses are just barely being met.
To prepare for the test, she pays for a set of computer based instructions, which also provides practice tests. The cost to take the test, and the instructional material has really stretched her budget to the ultimate limit.
In this example, if Janet was asked to describe her emotional experience during this period of her life, she may very well say that she was mainly feeling a great deal of anxiety. The combined fear of failing her test, having to take the test over, maybe failing it again, having a miscarriage or having a baby with serious medical problems, we can imagine, could have overshadowed her other emotions.
To understand the nature of anxiety, we must understand how it is related to four other emotional experiences. The above four examples seeks to help us see these relationships.
Now, when we have frustration along with grieving experiences or anxiety, many of us begin to insult ourselves. We might say, things like, “Why am I acting like a baby,” “I’m acting crazy,” “What an idiot I am,” “I’m mentally ill,” “I’m hopeless and helpless,” “This is a horrible experience, and it’s all my fault,” “I hate myself,” “I deserve to die,” etc. Those who go to war with themselves in this manner, add a whole additional serious concern to what they are already facing because people have an inherent desire to respect themselves. Creating the impression with these insulting attitudes that they are not worthy of respect frustrates this desire.
So, here we see two alternative experiences, one in which frustration and grieving gets mixed together with insulting, and one in which frustration and anxiety gets mixed together with insulting. When we experience frustration and grieving, and are also insulting ourselves, we might want to refer to this as depression.
As I pointed out in my post titled, “Depression and Melancholy,” melancholy offers us a third alternative.
Consider how musician and song writer Joni Mitchell described melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”
In melancholy, the person practices self-compassion and views the experiences of frustration, grieving, and anxiety as a natural helpful process we all must go through from time to time. Melancholy provides a richer, and more powerful approach for addressing our concerns, even the most challenging ones. It doesn’t waste time with all of the insults, though, because of old habits, some may still leap into consciousness. When they do, individuals in a melancholy state of being can observe them without believing they are true. Rather, they recognize them as old unhelpful habits, allow themselves to experience the physical sensations that come with them, and then, when those sensations pass in their own good time, they move on to other work that needs to be done.
TV shows, movies, and politics portray people constantly blaming others in a hateful manner for all the problems that they see in the world. So, this style of dealing even with our own concerns is something that we pick up like mud on our shoes after strolling through an unpaved path after a storm.
Additionally, my three novels provide an entertaining way to learn to develop self respect (see 
A central difference between the two has to do with throwing insults at ourselves; when we are depressed we spend a great deal of time doing that, in melancholy, not so much. To better understand what I mean by this, and to clarify the natural function of depression and melancholy, it will be worthwhile to first take a brief look at another state of being, sleep.
As a result of our special familiarity with sleep–we experience it pretty much every single day–when I point out six of its characteristics, everyone will readily know what I’m talking about. It will then be easier to see that similar characteristics occur with the less familiar depression and melancholy experiences.
Before we go to sleep, we experience a warning that sleep is heading our way. We refer to this warning as “feeling sleepy.”
Feeling sleepy can range from being a little sleepy, all the way to the point where we can barely keep our eyes open. This range of sleepiness is dependent on a special memory that stores how sleepy you are. This memory can be visualized as a bucket. If you are a little sleepy in the morning, the bucket is viewed as only slightly filled. If you manage to divert your attention from the sleepiness so you can go to work, by the time you get back home, your sleepiness memory hasn’t forgotten that the bucket was slightly filled earlier, and now that several more hours have gone by without getting some sleep, the bucket has filled up beyond the height than it was in the morning. 
This becomes noticeable by more frequent waves of sleepiness, and each wave feels more heavy or intense. If you divert your attention from how sleepy you are so you can have dinner and watch a few of your favorite TV shows, you will find that none of your earlier sleepiness has been completely forgotten for long, and on top of that, even more sleepiness has been added. 
Finally, some people, desiring to avoid having their bucket getting filled up too early, will carve out some time in their day to take a nap or two. Each nap lowers the level in their bucket, and they therefore remain more alert during the day after a few minutes of grogginess passes.
As Katrina is on her way to work, a concern arises within. “My job is not really right for me,” she says to herself. “It’s getting more and more boring, and the pay is barely enough to make ends meet. I have to make a change.”
Upon arriving home, Katrina puts on the TV to see some shows she likes. While watching, she finds that her concerns intrude into her consciousness more frequently and in a more intense manner than previous recent days. In the medical model of thinking about this, these intrusions would be viewed as symptoms of a possible mental disorder. As I view them, they are as natural as a sunrise.
Meditation is supremely useful for this because the practice involves going to a quiet place and then closing your eyes. Although during meditation you may spend some time focussing on your mantra, this mantra task is so simple that ample time and mental space is available for your concerns to bubble up to the surface where they can be addressed while you are in a relatively calm state.
In today’s world, because there are so many opportunities to distract us from addressing our concerns, from entertaining TV shows, movies, the ease of calling friends, and engaging on social media platforms, methods that free us from so many distractions for periods of time can be enormously helpful.
We have just looked at six characteristics of depression that are somewhat similar to the six characteristics of sleep that we discussed earlier in this essay. There are, of course, some differences between sleep and depression. The difference I want to point out here is that the passing of time is the main factor that leads to needing to go into a period of sleep. The longer you are awake, the sleepier you are likely to become.
Some concerns are relatively easy to address, others are harder. Moreover, concerns vary with regards to how threatening they are to one’s goals.
The six characteristics that apply to depression apply to melancholy as well. The chief difference between the two, as I mentioned earlier, is when people experience depression they insult themselves, whereas when people experience melancholy, not so much.
All of this leads to the person experiencing self-loathing. The insults people attack themselves with add to the concerns in their bucket, leading to it becoming fuller more quickly than if they did not do this, and the insults are distracting, so that the real work of addressing the real concerns are less efficiently addressed.
In contrast, consider how musician and song writer Joni Mitchell described melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”
Despair takes us in when we have no where else to go; when we feel the heart cannot break anymore, when our world or our loved ones disappear, when we feel we cannot be loved or do not deserve to be loved, when our God disappoints, or when our body is carrying profound pain in a way that does not go away.
Despair is a necessary and seasonal state of repair, a temporary healing absence, an internal physiological and psychological winter when our previous forms of participation in the world take a rest; it is a loss of horizon, it is the place we go when we do not want to be found in the same way anymore. We give up hope and certain particular wishes are no longer able to come true and despair is the time in which we both endure and heal, even when we have not yet found the new form of hope.
Melancholy provides a richer, and more powerful approach for addressing our concerns, even the most challenging ones. It doesn’t waste time with all of the insults, though, because of old habits, some may still leap into consciousness. When they do, those in melancholy can observe them without believing they are true. Rather, they recognize them as old unhelpful habits, allow themselves to experience the physical sensations that come with them, and then, when those sensations pass in their own good time, they move on to other work that needs to be done.
In our society, many of us learn to address our concerns using the depression pattern. How can they change that pattern so, when the bucket is full they experience, instead, melancholy?
These days, many are performing their jobs from home and are missing the camaraderie of their workplace. Such drastic changes in their lives, and that of their families, give us reason to reflect on what work means to us.
Given the main focus of this blog, you might wonder what work has to do with respect. Well, many people achieve a great deal of respect from the work they do, while others are humbled by finding they have had little choice but to take a job far different from what they had aspired to in earlier days. Others, having lost their job and finding themselves falling deep into poverty, may be questioning their own self respect. So, without any further ado, here’s a little meditation on this topic insightfully aided by Bob Dylan’s “work” episode from his Theme Time Radio Hour series, which we can listen to 
Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour, and this week we’re talking about work. We’re talkin’ about golden parachutes, poison pills, golden handshakes. We’re talking about workin’ like a dog, work around the clock, workin’ 9 to 5; talking about all the workin’ stiffs who’re workin’ for a livin’, who live to work, labor intensive, doin’ odd jobs, married to their job, them employee of the month hard at work. So this week, no kidding around, no fooling, no goofing off, no hanging around the water cooler, because we’re going to get right down to it, putting in an honest day’s work, for an honest day’s pay, for our subject de jure is work and jobs. 
I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,
The delicious singing of the mother, or of the young wife at work, or of the girl sewing or washing,
They call it stormy Monday, and, baby, Tuesday’s just as bad
I keep my nose on the grindstone, I work hard every day
Bob then tells us that if he had to have a boss, he would choose Bruce Springsteen.
You may be an ambassador to England or France
I got to get out and find a job
Just whistle while you work
You want to keep in mind that you are going on an interview, not a date. Don’t drown yourself with perfume or cologne. Speak up. Interviewers don’t want to drag words out of you. On the other hand, don’t talk too much, you don’t want to bore them. Stay focused, listen to what the question is and answer it; they don’t want to hear about what your dog did last week. Make eye contact, you don’t want to appear to be some kind of criminal. Poor language skills don’t help. Using “like” every third word or repeatedly saying “um” does not make you a likely candidate. Build trust. Don’t use a lot of little white lies, you’re going to get caught, and then how are they to believe anything you say. Wear a clean shirt, and present the best you possible. And once you get the job, you can do what everyone else does, figure out ways to get the day off. 
My last post, 
Wonderfully capturing this sentiment is a YouTube 
Off the field, Jeter founded the 
In interviews, even though he had plenty to brag about, and even when he had just won a big game with a clutch hit, Jeter remained humble while directing credit to his teammates.
One thing that I particularly admired about Jeter was that although he so passionately wanted to win, this desire was not expressed by hating his rivals. We saw this being expressed each time he would get a hit, for he had a delightful way of engaging in some friendly exchange with the player trying to hold him close to the base so he wouldn’t steal. Jeter’s ready smile during these interactions, even in the midst of a crucially important game, endeared him to players throughout the major leagues.
As an example of what many thought a serious mistake in judgment, when Jeter assumed leadership of the Miami Marlins baseball team, he naturally wanted to bring in his own assistants. This meant he had to fire those who had been in those positions before he arrived. Rather than personally calling all of these individuals to explain why he was letting them go, he had one of his underlings do most of the dirty work. The press picked up the story, and hopefully Jeter, and the rest of us as well, learn something from this.
As a Yankee for twenty years, Jeter had ample opportunities to welcome new players joining the team. Not being a Yankee player myself, I can’t speak to how he handled this. But one thing that I do know, how it is handled can go a long way toward earning a significant degree of respect from the new guy, as we will now see.
In recent years, the major leagues developed a policy seeking to end this practice of hazing.
Wee Willie Keeler was still a pretty decent ballplayer, even then…. Wonderful fellow. I was too shy to say anything to him, but he came over to me one day and said, “Jim, you’ve got a great career ahead of you. If I can help you in any way, you just say the word.” How about that? 
Baseball field managers are a special subgroup of these ballplayers. Typically, they played professionally for many years, demonstrating keen knowledge of the game, and upon reaching an age at which they are too old to continue playing at a professional level, they are singled out by club owners and their upper management team as having leadership abilities. Here, we will take a quick look at two of these guys, John McGraw and Connie Mack, not because they were perfect human beings that never made a mistake, but because a few of their attributes are particularly informative when we want to get insights about the nature of respect.
Take Mr. McGraw. What a great man he was! The finest and grandest man I ever met. He loved his players and his players loved him. Of course, he wouldn’t stand for any nonsense. You had to live up to the rules and regulations of the New York Giants, and when he laid down the law you’d better abide by it.
Another attribute that Snodgrass appreciated about McGraw was his willingness to let players make decisions on their own initiative.
Chief Myers was a catcher for the Giants. What did he appreciate about McGraw? Before playing for McGraw, he and the other players were always booked at the cheapest hotels.
In addition to McGraw, we find in Ritter’s book players repeatedly voicing high respect for Connie Mack.
In my opinion, Connie Mack did more for baseball than any other human being–by the example he set, his attitude, the way he handled himself and his players. You know, like you’re playing a great game and you’re heroes to the children of this country. Live up to it, conduct yourself accordingly. Over a period of years others followed, and baseball became respectable. He was a true gentleman, in every sense of the word. Not many men are.
The game of baseball offers us a unique look at the nature of respect for two reasons. First, the game provides several unusually objective statistics that give us a pretty good idea of the talent of a player. In many other fields, such as art or teaching, the criteria for talent is far less objective. Second, we find that despite this unusually objective talent criteria of baseball, when we take a look at two players that played the same position in the same era and have excellent statistics, sometimes we discover they have very different levels of respect given to them by the players’ peers and baseball fans. When we see such differences, by looking at the reasons players and fans give for this, we get particularly keen insights about the nature of respect, insights that can be applied not only to the green fields of baseball, but to other fields as well.
Students of the game of baseball know that outfielders Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth were among the all time most talented players and yet the respect afforded to each can not be more different. In Lawrence S. Ritter’s wonderful book, The Glory of Their Times: The Story of the Early Days of Baseball Told by the Men Who Played It, we get a sense of why this is. So, for instance, Davy Jones played on the same team as Cobb. Here’s what he had to say:
Cobb was a very complex person–never did have many friends. Trouble was he had such a rotten disposition that it was damn hard to be his friend. I was probably the best friend he had on the club. I used to stick up for him, sit and talk with him on long trips, try to understand the man. He antagonized so many people that hardly anyone would speak to him, even among his own teammates.
In many ways he was resented by a lot of players because he was so doggone good, and that plus being ignored because he had such a nasty disposition meant that the man was very lonely. Of course, he brought a lot of it on himself, no doubt about that. A lot of time it seemed as though he was just asking for trouble.
Cobb was a great ballplayer, no doubt about it. But he sure wasn’t easy to get along with. He wasn’t a friendly, good natured guy, like Wagner was, or Walter Johnson, or Babe Ruth…. He came up with an antagonistic attitude, which in his mind, turned any little razzing into a life-or-death struggle. 
The Babe was always friendly, a real nice guy who’d go out of his way any time to do you a favor. When Cobb was out there on that ball field, look out. He wasn’t anybody’s friend then. He was out to win, regardless….
Mike is from duh Bronx, so naturally he is a huge Yankees fan. When I asked him about this topic he wrote me an email that said in part:
Respect for the person, I think, is very difficult to assess since few fans know the player as a person. There are countless examples of superb players who are rotten human beings. Several are in the Hall of Fame, ex. Ty Cobb. There are also examples of superb players who were also superb human beings. Several are in the Hall of Fame, ex. Lou Gehrig. Most players of all levels of ability are unknowable as human beings to fans.
Respect for the game, I think, depends largely on one’s definition of “how the game should be played.” For some, that is linked to sportsmanship. For others, that is linked to the bottom line of winning (I’m talking about pros here.) The recent Houston Astros scandal [involving using electronic devices to steal a catcher’s signals to his pitcher and relaying it to the batter] for example, was not valuing sportsmanship, but was valuing winning. Respect for the game is about behavior and that’s what is so tricky. 
Throwing a spitter, stealing signs, pitching high and tight, scuffing a baseball, juicing a bat, showing up an opponent, taking out a middle infielder or catcher, running up the score, bunting when far ahead, sliding with spikes up, hustling, showboating: some are time-honored acts, others are against the rules (written and unwritten) of the game. Some were, to complicate things, within the rules at one time and are not within the rules now.
It has been said that hitting a round ball square with a rounded bat is the hardest thing to do in sports. It has also been said that pro baseball is a hard game played by hard men. Most fans idealize the game and its players and collectively have created a mythology about it. Most players are doing every thing they can to earn a living and have no illusions about being part of a mythology. That is a real disconnect, wouldn’t you say?
Interestingly, Mike once had one of his poems published in ELYSIAN FIELDS: THE BASEBALL REVIEW, 1994. It poetically asks how fans feel about the incredibly talented player, Pete Rose, after he was banned from baseball for betting on games and lying about it. Mike used E. E. Cummings’s “Buffalo Bill” poem as the template for his poem, with its unusual combining of words:
I’ve always respected Mariano Rivera. He was the best ever at a position but always seemed so humble and down to earth. And even though he made millions of dollars, he moved back to Panama to be a preacher after he retired. It’s not at all the life path I would have chosen, but as far as I can tell, he avoided all the pitfalls of fame and fortune, and I respect anybody who can handle that situation with class and not be pulled in by all the peer pressure and expectations attached to that. 
When I was growing up, the Phillies were arguably the worst team in the major leagues. After so many years rooting for a team that would lose so, so many games, suddenly Roberts appeared on the scene, along with the other young “Whiz Kids” and it was such a thrill to suddenly have a competitive team.
Dave is a friend of mine who grew up in Queens and naturally became a Mets fan. However, now that he has been living in Georgetown, he has been rooting for the Nationals.
Hall of Famer Roberto Clemente is Dave’s choice for all time most respected baseball player. Dave mentioned Roberto’s incredible athleticism and his devotion to helping people living in dire circumstances. For those not familiar with Roberto’s charitable efforts, here’s some of the story according to Wikipedia:
The airplane he chartered for a New Year’s Eve flight, a 
All who saw Roberto Clemente in action, whether on the diamond or on the front lines of charitable endeavor, are richer for the experience. He stands with the handful of men whose brilliance has transformed the game of baseball into a showcase of skill and spirit, giving universal delight and inspiration. More than that, his selfless dedication to helping those with two strikes against them in life has blessed thousands and set an example for millions. As long as athletes and humanitarians are honored, Roberto Clemente’s memory will live; as long as Citizens Medals are presented, each will mean a little more because the first one went to him.
“Take me out to the ball game,
Nelly Kelly was sure some fan,
Do you, baby, know what it’s all about,
Grand slam,
Baseball, to me, represents life. It’s about heroes and goats, it’s about success and failure. It’s about individual effort, it’s about team effort. Baseball is about the game within the game. It’s really the only game that is not governed by time. And the thing that makes me insane is the people who say baseball is boring. It’s just playing catch. They don’t understand the game within the game. They don’t understand that how much changes from pitch to pitch. It’s actually fractions of a second that a hitter has to make a decision that he is actually going to swing, and then put it either between guys or hit it over the fence.
From there, Bob plays us a little audio clip of an announcer calling the thrilling, yet poignant, moment when Ted Williams, at his last at bat of his career, hits a long home run. The reaction of the crowd is just heartwarming.
And Juan Marichal comes up,
Say hey, say who?
Jamie, you should do what I used to do. When I was supposed to be asleep, I would take my radio and slip it under my pillow. Then put your ear next to the pillow, which you’re supposed to do with pillows anyway. This way you can hear the second game of a double header without bothering anyone else in the house. Thanks for your email, your private pillow pal.
Listen, guys, this game is only half skill,
Perhaps I can find some sound advice by flipping through my copy of the Tao Te Ching.
To be in favor or disgrace
When a person becomes respected, some people compare themselves to the respected person. If, in this comparison, they come to believe they are not as respected, this may ignite feelings of envy. Some of these people may seek to act in ways that harm the respected person in an effort to bring her or him down to a lower, less threatening, level. I wonder if President John F. Kennedy might have been assassinated because of this type of motivation.
In contrast to my difficulty understanding why to be respected is to live in fear, I have no difficulty understanding why living in disgrace is to live in fear. Bernie Madoff, the former investment advisor who became disgraced for carrying out a massive Ponzi scheme, comes to mind. His disgrace led to him currently serving a lengthy federal prison sentence. People who act in a manner that leads to their disgrace certainly have good reason to fear some bad things will be the result.
That stanza reminds me of the first noble truth of Buddhism. Life is not ideal: it frequently fails to live up to our expectations. Human beings are subject to desires and cravings, but even when we are able to satisfy these desires, the satisfaction is only temporary. Birth brings about suffering, as does aging, illness, the approaching of death, union with what is displeasing, separation from what is pleasing, not to get what one wants, etc.
He who strides cannot maintain the pace.
When Douglas argued that by freeing the slaves, this would lead to what many in the audience viewed as the absolute horror of the mixing of blood by the white and black races, Lincoln responded by pointing to the last census at the time. It indicated there were 405,751 mulattoes (a term used to refer to offspring who had both black and white parents) in the United States in 1850. He then went on to say,
All I ask for the negro is that, if you do not like him, let him alone. If God gave him but little, that little let him enjoy. Certainly the negro is not our equal in color–perhaps not in many other respects; still, in the right to put into his mouth the bread that his own hands have earned, he is the equal of every man, white or black. In pointing out that more has been give to you, you cannot be justified in taking away the little which has been given him.
If they look back to trace their connection with those days of blood, they find they have none; they cannot carry themselves back to the glorious epoch and make themselves feel they are part of us; but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence, they find that those old men say that “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal,” and they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relationship to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh, of the men who wrote that Declaration; and so they are.
I am thankful to God for this approval of the people. But while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one; but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.
Doris Kearns Goodwin’s insightful book 
