Category: dig for the conflict

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Conflicts: Lessons from Beetle Bailey

Why would someone fling insults at you?  For the past few weeks we have discussed eight different reasons and how to deal with each one (see INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE).

Sometimes when people attempt to insult you, they are being clumsy at letting you know they have a conflict with you.

Here, it looks like Lt. Fuzz insults Sarge because he has a conflict with Sarge.  That is, Lt. Fuzz has a desire that sergeants under his command are physically fit. Interfering with Lt. Fuzz’s desire is the fact that Sarge appears to be fat.  Lt. Fuzz seems to think that Sarge is guilty of not keeping himself in solid fighting shape.

Notice that the first letters of the three conflict components (DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT) spell the word, “DIG.”  The word “DIG” helps us to remember to DIG for the conflict by looking for the DESIRE, INTERFERENCE and GUILT.

If you are to become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, when someone is trying to insult you, you must prepare yourself so that you will be able to DIG to find out what the conflict is all about even under the stress of being bombarded with belittling comments.  To become skillful at this takes some practice.

Last week’s post provided followers of this blog some practice for digging for the conflict by using a major conflict from the Shakespeare play, Romeo and Juliet (see post titled CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET).  Today we will have some fun using some Beetle Bailey comics to sharpen our skills and to deepen our understanding about what it means to have a conflict.

Practice

As a fun way to develop the skill of coming up with conflict descriptions, please read the Beetle Bailey comic below and then see if you can describe from Sarge’s perspective the conflict he is having with Beetle in two sentences.

In formulating your two sentences, it is important to be aware that Sarge’s look of concern on his face when he hears Beetle’s stiff muscle excuse doesn’t figure to be genuine.  Any regular reader of the Beetle Bailey comics knows that Beetle’s character, although lovable, is one of laziness and perpetual excuse- making.

Sarge, painfully aware of Beetle’s laziness, in all probability is acting concerned just to play along with the excuse, while at the same time, harassing Beetle until he gets to work.

With this in mind, there are several two-sentence conflict descriptions that people might provide here.  Here’s an example that I like: Sarge desires that Beetle gets going but interfering with his desire, hears Beetle making an excuse to stay in bed.  Because Sarge is aware that Beetle has a long history of being lazy, I’m guessing that he believes that if Beetle doesn’t get going he would be guilty of pretending to be injured to avoid his responsibilities.

Why do I like this description?  It’s brief, and it’s consistent with the model of conflict we will be learning about on this blog—The DIG Conflict Model.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

The conflict statement we just used to describe Sarge’s apparent conflict with Beetle is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place.  Once we form the statement, we can see better if a conflict does or does not exist, although we rarely can be absolutely certain.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is.

The first sentence also includes Party A’s desire,

the other party involved and the interfering act. 

Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.  In composing these two sentences, you are to imagine that you are Party A, and you are doing the best that you can to briefly explain your position.  We will be frequently using this two sentence pattern throughout this blog.

Being Specific is Good

If I was able to ask Sarge to briefly describe his conflict with Beetle, suppose he answered, “Beetle is acting like a jerk.”  The fact that Sarge’s answer is brief is good.  But Sarge’s answer just tells us that he doesn’t like some way that Beetle is behaving.  Sarge’s answer would be more precise if his answer stated what specific act he desires and the specific act that is interfering with what he desires—i.e. gets going, versus stays in bed.  His answer would be even more precise if it also provided enough information so that we understood that Sarge would view Beetle as guilty if Beetle carries out the act that would interfere with Sarge’s desire.

Conflicts and Problems

Whenever we discuss conflicts, it is important to make a distinction between conflicts and problems.  To begin, every conflict contains a problem.  The problem for Party A is how to achieve what he or she desires given the likelihood of someone acting in a way that prevents achieving the goal.

Although every conflict contains a problem, every problem is not a conflict.  To illustrate this, let’s go back to the scenario involving Sarge and Beetle.

Earlier I made the case that one reason this is probably a conflict is that Sarge probably believes Beetle is just pretending to be unable to move so he can get out of work.  Knowing Sarge from observing him over the years, I’m guessing he is very likely to think Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility of working hard even if he is a little sore.  But let’s change this scenario a little.  A doctor confirms to Sarge that Beetle has broken both of his legs.  So you can vividly envision this, let’s say Beetle got his legs broken as a bomb went off in Afghanistan while he was trying to save several of his buddies.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Sarge, when he first hears Beetle can’t get going today, assumes that Beetle is just making up some excuse.  Because of this assumption, Sarge believes he is about to engage Beetle in a conflict, but as soon as he sees a medic working on Beetle’s seriously mangled legs, he changes his mind.

Because Sarge no longer thinks Beetle is guilty of shirking his responsibility to get to work, he does not believe that in this situation he has a conflict with Beetle.  Does this mean that Sarge no longer has a problem?  Even if Sarge completely clears Beetle of any wrong doing, the work that he had desired Beetle to do still may need to get done.  In some situations, this is so easily handled that no problem can be identified.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the above two boxes, Sarge explains to his general that his outfit will be short-handed until a replacement can be assigned.  Such a familiar routine for an experienced sergeant could not be categorized as a problem.  But let us consider another example.  Suppose the work that Beetle is assigned to do on the day his legs are injured involves repairing some jeeps that the general requires for an urgent mission.  Now when Sarge realizes that Beetle is out of commission, he has to figure out how to still get the work done.  This may be a fairly small problem or a very difficult one involving a great deal of stress.

As these variations on the Beetle Bailey scenario illustrate, even if a conflict suddenly disappears, a problem may still be left in its wake.  The problem may be somewhat smaller than the one contained in the original conflict, about the same, or more serious.  A problem becomes a conflict when Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the incompatible act.

A Conflict, to Exist, Must Refer to Something that will Occur in the Future

Imagine Beetle getting a punch in his skinny nose.

For some, the act of getting punched is enough to declare that a conflict exists.  The punch, they say, is the conflict.  But if that’s so, why not just view the punch as a punch and nothing else?  What does the concept of a conflict add to the punch?  Hmmm.

Consider what would happen if you got punched by Sarge, and a fraction of a second later Sarge suddenly grasps his chest, screams in agony, falls to the floor, turns white, and dies of a heart attack?  Would you believe you have a conflict with Sarge?  Most people, under this set of circumstances, would answer, “NO.”  A proper definition of a conflict must account for this.

In the DIG Conflict Model, the cause of the conflict is not that you were hit, but rather that you perceive the existence of all three conflict conditions.

One of these conflict conditions is—Party A perceives that the other party is likely to act in a manner that is incompatible with the desire.  If you got hit by Sarge and then Sarge suddenly dies, under this set of circumstances why are you unlikely to view yourself as having a conflict with Sarge?  The DIG Conflict Model makes the reason evident.  If Sarge dies, you no longer have any reason to perceive Sarge is likely to hit you again.

Many people intuitively understand this.  That’s why you will often hear people who find themselves in a situation that appears to be developing into a conflict quickly declare that the interfering act was an accident and the behavior won’t happen again.  Such people understand that if they can convince Party A that the interfering act that has already occurred wasn’t intentional and therefore should not be perceived as a signal that it will happen again, no conflict will be perceived.

Summary

When we summarize a conflict, it helps us to think of the word, DIG.  This reminds us to dig for the  desire, the interfering act and the guilt.

All conflicts contain a problem.  But NOT all problems are conflicts.

A conflict, to exist, must refer to something that will happen in the future.

Well, that’s your lesson for today.  Have a splendid week.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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CONFLICTS: LESSONS FROM ROMEO AND JULIET

If you have been following this blog, you will have noticed that for the past few weeks I have relied heavily on humor to teach some of the main principles of conflicts (see for examples, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE and INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.

But a blog such as this, if it is to be a source of wisdom, must keep the reader aware that although there is much humor in conflicts, there is tragedy as well.  Comics typically emphasize the humor.  To avoid completely losing our balance, we must, from time to time, directly take on serious themes.  At such times, in the words from Shakespeare’s Henry the VIII’s prologue—

“I come no more to make you laugh; things now,

That bear a weighty and serious brow,

Sad, high, and working, full of state and woe…”

In the deepest heart of all of us there is a corner in which life just happens to work sadly.  Any discussion of conflict cannot completely ignore this.  Nevertheless, I will attempt to keep our forays into the profounder bass-notes of life fairly brief, and use humor as our main educational tool.

Assisting People to Deal with Conflicts

From time to time you will be asked to assist people with conflicts.  A situation involving friends may erupt.  Problems at school or work will naturally pop up on regular occasions.

You will find that as you begin to engage the parties involved in the conflict, some in the midst of it will angrily start to tell you what has been happening by going on and on until it begins to strain the patience of everyone listening.  Others will speak of the conflict in such vague generalities that listeners are left scratching their heads.

In this blog post you will practice using a model to assist you in coming up with a description of a conflict in a few sentences that not only will prove helpful, but will also enhance your reputation.

Consider the following three pictures created by Lois Hubertz:

    

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  In the tragic comic above there are three pictures.  Need I provide three thousand words to verbally describe them?  What if I wanted to describe briefly the conflict they portray?   To do so, I would be wise to first discuss with each of the parties what they view as causing the strife, and then after hearing them out, combine what I had learned with what I observe in the pictures.

Suppose that in my discussions I find out that the story of the two lovers in the first box and the two lovers in Shakespeare’s magnificent play, Romeo and Juliet are similar.  As in the Shakespeare play, the lovers in the tragic comic are called Romeo and Juliet, and their families are terribly bitter with one another because of angry memories of previous conflicts.

After my information gathering, what if I attempted to briefly describe the conflict from Juliet’s point of view as follows:

Juliet desires to marry Romeo, but interfering with this, her father has made it clear to her that he does not want to give her the legally required permission.  Although she recognizes that her father, if he were to consent, would be in hot water with the rest of their family, Juliet feels that he is guilty of being wrong because for her sake he should have the guts to stand up to them. 

Are these sentences sufficient?

Obviously, compared to a Shakespeare play, my two-sentence summary, just like any two-sentence summary, must ignore the subtleties and related conflicts that are revealed by a fully crafted play.  But there are many times when we can sufficiently grasp a situation without using a style of language that many find hard to grasp or by sitting down for hours to study an insightful narrative.  Using an easy to learn pattern of constructing two sentences from each party’s perspective may very well serve to set the stage for the creation of a plan that will resolve the conflict at hand to the satisfaction of all the involved parties.

A Definition of Conflict

When we attempt to come up with a brief description of a conflict, it helps to have a good definition of the word “conflict” at hand.  On this blog we will be using a definition derived from what I refer to as the DIG Conflict Model.

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist:

  1. Party A desires an act will occur.
  2. Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire. 
  3. Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

Notice that each of the three conditions has a key word italicized—desire for the first condition, interference for the second, and guilt for the third.  If we take the first letter of each of these key words and put them together, they spell DIG; hence the DIG Conflict Model’s name.

Party A, in the above definition, indicates the individual who is theoretically engaged in a conflict and from whose perspective the conflict will first be described.

The Pattern for Describing Conflicts

In earlier blog posts, I’ve described how to use the word DIG to help craft a brief summary of a conflict and we have practiced this method a few times as well (see, for example, DIG FOR THE CONFLICT).  To get to be an expert at this method, it helps to review some of the ideas from time to time.

The conflict statement I used to describe the conflict Juliet is having with her father is in a form that doesn’t assure that a conflict exists; rather, it provides us a standard pattern that allows us to briefly describe the situation as best we can with each of the three conditions of a conflict in a familiar place–first the desire, then the interfering act, and then the guilt.

When there are only two parties involved in a conflict, the pattern can be described as follows:

First select an individual who appears to be one of the parties to the conflict and make him or her Party A.  Then create a sentence that identifies who Party A is, Party A’s desire, the other party involved, and the act that is interfering with the desire.  Then fashion a sentence that puts forth the theory that Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act.

The first two sentences are composed, as best you can, from Party A’s point of view.

Why do we Bother to Break up the Concept of a Conflict?

So far, we have seen that the DIG Conflict Model breaks up the concept of a conflict into its three conflict conditions (desire, interference and guilt).  In future blog posts we will find this helpful because some conflicts are confusing to understand all at once.

Very simple conflicts can be looked at as a single unit with little difficulty. However, more complicated conflicts will leave us scratching our heads.  The skill to break up the conflict into its three conditions allows us to familiarize ourselves with smaller, more easily understandable parts.  Then, when we join the parts together, the whole becomes easier to grasp.

Moreover, sometimes we can come up with an idea to make a change in just one of the easier to understand parts that then leads to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.  That is, one strategy to resolve a conflict we are struggling with is the following:

1. Look at each easier to understand part, either just the desire, or the interfering act or the guilt.

2. Think about making some change that will affect just that part.

3. Then think about how that change will impact the whole conflict.

By doing this, we frequently find a resolution that we would have otherwise missed if we kept wrestling with the entire conflict as one huge unit.  In future blog posts we will see many examples of this.

Using the DIG Conflict Model in Real Conflicts

In a real conflict, after you do your best to summarize the conflict, it is important to check with the different people involved to see if they agree with you.  As you discuss this with them, you will find that this often leads to those who are involved clarifying what the issues are. As you assist them in going through this process, there is an excellent chance that they will find this helpful.  In time, people will come to respect you for this.

I know some of these ideas are new and you may feel confused about some of the issues I have been discussing.  If you keep following this blog, you will get more and more comfortable with these ideas.  In time, you’ll see more clearly how helpful they can be.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and infighting.  You are judged on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

Our two friends are getting pretty silly in this exchange.  I guess being silly is part of the fun.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game, not by how silly the interactions are, but by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  They realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Immature people can come across as mean when they tease.

In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends up smiling even though Violet ends up feeling upset.  I would have liked Lucy to show some concern about how Violet ends up feeling.

It is certainly understandable why Violet ends up feeling upset.  We all have a strong desire to be liked.  The fact that there are other people watching while Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with the teasing even harder.  But what if Violet, instead of going away looking upset, ended up responding to Lucy in the following way?

“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a smile.  “I guess you won this round.  Well done!”  Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her head before going on her way.

If Violet would have acted this way, it would have shown the other kids that she can take a little teasing without getting upset.  This seems to many people a sign of maturity.  We can’t expect everyone to have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Calvin went a little too far in his teasing.

I think a conflict has sprung up.

When I think about a conflict I think about the word DIG.  That reminds me to dig to find in the situation the desire, what is interfering with the desire, and someone who feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong.

DIG=Desire, Interfering, and Guilt

In the above comic, Calvin desires to create a situation that would lead to some fun but perceives his actions have led to a situation that is interfering with fun.  He feels he is guilty of doing something wrong.

Troubled by how Susie has reacted, Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a bit angry.  It seems to me that his genuine concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign of emerging maturity.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

The sadness that Susie feels is coupled with her recognition that, without Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than she does.

How might Calvin handle this situation?

Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy thing to do.  I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones, they still can hurt quite a bit.

When Calvin goes over to Susie to make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

Sometimes when we try to fix a problem it doesn’t work.  That doesn’t mean we have to give up.  We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teasing does so in a manner that looks to someone watching on as not fun.

At other times, people who tease don’t realize that they really have created a very uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes when people call you names or insult you in some other way, you may not be sure why they are doing this.  One thing to try is to say, “I’m not sure why you are trying to put me down.  Is everything okay?  Are you mad at me about something?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down a list of other desires that motivate insults. By becoming familiar with these other desires, confusion can oftentimes be quickly brought under control and a plan generated to address the concerns of all involved parties.

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

If you follow this blog you will become familiar with eight different desires that can motivate name calling and teasing.  This will help you to spot them even when you are beginning to feel defensive.  When you learn to see the real desire motivating the criticism, you will find it much easier to act wisely.

Below is the list of the eight desires.  It might be wise to print out this list and place it in a convenient place.  Then, whenever you are called names or teased, you can get it out.  By going down the list you might more quickly figure out what is going on.

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

The desires that oftentimes motivate name calling, insults and teasing are:

1. The desire to encourage or discourage some action.

2.  The desire to release stress because the criticizer is in a bad mood.

3.  The desire to take out on you what someone else did to the insulter.

4.  The desire to be left alone for some quiet time.

5. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.

6. The desire to test someone to determine worthiness to be admitted into a group.

7. Jealousy.

8. Playful teasing.

Well, there you have it, the eight desires that lead to name calling, insults and teasing.  You can already find some suggestions for dealing with most of the various types of desires from checking out some earlier posts.

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
  2. Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
  4. Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
  5. The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)

In future blog posts we’ll explore all of these issues more thoroughly.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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CONFLICT: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

In an early post on this blog I discussed the fact that often the reason why people might call you a name, insult or tease you is that they have a conflict with you (see the posts titled DIG FOR THE CONFLICT, CONFLICTS AND FRUSTRATION, and SUMMARIZE AND DELAY).

For many of us, as soon as we see that someone has a conflict with us, we get defensive, and perhaps we might shout out something like, “How dare you speak that way to me!” or “You’re a stupid idiot!”

When you become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, rather than becoming defensive, the first thing you do is to let the person who has a conflict with you know you care that he or she is upset.  Then you artfully summarize the conflict that has led to the disrespectful behavior even when you are being insulted.  You can learn to do this, but it takes some practice.  With the help of our comic strip friends, we can learn this skill while having some fun as we go about doing so.

We’ll begin by reviewing what a conflict is, then discuss the plan to summarize a conflict, and then we’ll practice using this plan by looking at comics that depict a  conflict.

What is a Conflict?

In the above Peanuts comic, despite Peppermint Patty’s delightful attempt to convince the teacher to raise her grade, the teacher won’t bend.  Do you think Peppermint Patty has, at any point in this comic, a conflict with her teacher? How do you define a conflict?

Some of my students respond to these two questions by saying something like,

When people are upset about something they have a conflict.  When they aren’t upset anymore, BINGO, the conflict is resolved.  Peppermint Patty seems to be upset about her grade, especially in the next to last scene.  Therefore she has a conflict with her teacher. 

In the very last scene, Peppermint Patty still doesn’t look happy, but perhaps the teacher’s comment praising her oratory skills has lifted her spirits enough so that she is no longer upset.  If so, does this mean her conflict has been resolved?

I get mixed answers to this question.

Some of my students, when thinking about the meaning of conflict, talk about someone getting in the way of someone else’s desire.  If Peppermint Patty feels her teacher is getting in the way of her desire to get a higher grade, she has a conflict with her teacher.  Saying “getting in the way of someone’s desire” is the same as saying “interfering” with someone’s desire.

Still others emphasize guilt—if Peppermint Patty believes her teacher is guilty of doing something wrong, she has a conflict with her.

When I say I have a conflict I mean that I have a desire, I believe that someone is likely to do something that interferes with my desire, and I believe that someone would be guilty of doing something wrong if the person does interfere with my desire.

When I have a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what I DESIRE in this situation,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

what is INTERFERING with my desire,

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

and why I believe someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I see conflicts as types of triangles.

PRACTICE

“I’m not kidding around anymore, Mrs. Snyder–you have our book, we have your son!”

Let’s pretend that you are Mrs. Snyder, the mother of this tied up boy, and you get this phone call from this librarian.  Let’s call the librarian, Ms Jones.  You feel that the way Ms Jones is shouting at you is disrespectful.  But instead of shouting back at her, you decide to first let her know in a caring way that you understand that she is upset.  Then you summarize the conflict.  If you will, please utilize the word DIG to remind you of the words, desire, interfering and guilt.   Then come up with a statement that you would say to the librarian that includes a brief description of the conflict to her in two or three sentences.  After you give this a try, compare your statement to mine.

Here’s my statement to the librarian:

I can hear that you are very upset, Ms Jones.  I think I understand your conflict with us.  You desire to get the library’s book back.  Interfering with your desire, my son has not returned the book and you feel that he is guilty of being wrong for not returning it.  Is that correct?

This type of statement takes less then a minute of your time.  It helps both you and the other party in the conflict to clarify what the conflict is all about.  You will find that many times you think you know what the conflict is all about, but it turns out that you missed something very important.  By presenting your summary statement in the form of a question, you give the other party a chance to clarify what all of the issues are.

Now, when the librarian indicates that she has a conflict with you, you may be tempted to bring up a conflict that you have with her.  For example, if you are Mrs. Snyder, you might feel that you have a desire that Ms. Jones speak to you in tones indicating respect.  Interfering with this desire, you feel her shouting is disrespectful.  You feel she is guilty of being disrespectful.  In most situations you would be wise to put this secondary conflict on hold until the first conflict that came up is worked on for a bit, and then some time has passed until the sea of conflict has calmed.  We’ll look at some exceptions to this rule in future posts.

Let’s try another one:

In this comic, if you will, make believe you are Peppermint Patty.  See if you can come up with a statement to Marcie that summarizes Marcie’s conflict with you.  Try to make it consistent with the DIG Conflict Model.  Then compare it to mine.

Here’s the statement I came up with:

Marcie, I can see you are really upset with me.  Let me see if I understand the reason why.  When you lend something to me, you desire that I return it.  I’ve been interfering with your desire when I’ve borrowed quite a few things from you and I haven’t returned them.  You feel that I am guilty of being wrong to keep doing this.  It that right?

To come up with my statement, I first tried to come up with something that showed Marcie that I cared that she was upset.  If this was a real situation, I would make sure that when I said the first sentence in my statement, I looked at least two seconds into Marcie’s eyes in a caring way and I used a tone of voice designed to let her know I am concerned about what is going on.  As I continued to design my statement, I thought to myself that I have to DIG for the conflict.  Then the letters in the word “dig” reminded me to try to find Marcie’s desire, what she thinks I have done to interfere with her desire, and what she thinks I’m guilty of doing wrong.  Notice that I ended my statement with a question that invites Marcie to correct anything I might have said that she thinks is wrong.

Let’s try one more.

Pretend, if you will, that you are Linus.  Keep in mind that when someone is angry with you, as Lucy is, it’s probably not the best time to discuss philosophy.  See if instead of the comments Linus makes in the comic, you can summarize the conflict Lucy has with you by utilizing the DIG Conflict Model.  Then you can compare it to mine.

Here’s my statement to Lucy:

Lucy, I can see you’re upset with me.  Let me make sure I understand why.  You desire that I not tear any covers off of comic magazines.  I interfered with this by tearing the cover off of the magazine in your hand.  You feel I’m guilty of being stupid.  Is that right?

To be effective, I have to make sure that I say the first sentence in this statement while looking squarely into Lucy’s eyes and I use a tone of voice that expresses that I care about the fact that she is upset.  If you are not sure about how to express that tone of voice, consider making an appointment with an acting coach.  Just a single lesson usually is enough to teach you all that is required to master this important skill.

The key words that identify the three conditions of a conflict.

When using DIG to remind you of the three components of a conflict, it’s important to know some related words for “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” because when you are involved in a conflict it helps to vary your statements.

  • When individuals have a “desire” that some act will occur, they sometimes say they “want,” “need,” or “have a goal to achieve” it;
  • An act that “interferes” with another act “prevents,” “obstructs,” “gets in the way,” “is incompatible,” “injures,” or in some other way makes it less likely or less effective.
  • Someone who is “guilty,” is often said to be “responsible,” or is to “blame” for the behavior.  Or we feel that the guilty party “should have not done” the behavior, or that the person did something “wrong.”

Keep this in mind when you summarize a conflict.  By doing so, you will come to realize that you don’t always have to use the words “desire,” “interfere,” and “guilt” in your summary statement.  You can just use the word DIG to remind you of what to look for, but you can use other words to describe the three components of a conflict.  In this way, your summary statements can be created in a way that sound better to your ear.

Well, there’s your lesson for today.  I understand that there is more to resolving a conflict than the art of showing caring and summarizing the conflict.  We’ll get to all of the crucial skills necessary to resolve conflicts in future blog posts.

In time you will find that the skill of summarizing a conflict is enormously helpful.  If you continue to follow this blog, you’ll meet up with some more practice sessions.  Eventually you will find that you can summarize a conflict as smoothly as you can name the people in your home.  And when you get that smooth at doing so, you’ll find that people in your community will come to have a higher respect for you. 

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger conflict resolution dig for the conflict emotional intelligence happiness Hope negative criticism threats wisdom

ANGER AS AN EMOTION

Recently I provided a post titled, ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE.  There we chiefly focused on the variety of anger expressions.

Anger, in addition to being viewed as something that we express, is also viewed as an emotion.  To deeply understand the nature of anger we must understand what emotions are.

The Four Basic Emotions

There are four basic emotions.  Two of them, hope and happiness, are positive emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

The other two, threat and grieving, are negative emotions.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Although threat and grieving are referred to as negative emotions, they are not necessarily bad emotions. They actually can be very helpful in some situations.  And although hope and happiness are referred to as positive emotions, they are not necessarily good emotions.  Although they can be very helpful in some situations, they can make a mess of things as well.

Each of the emotions gives us a shot of energy to deal with some important moments in our lives.  The positive emotions can help us to deal with positive moments and negative emotions can help us to deal with negative moments.  To understand this a little better, let’s take a look at a quick story.

The Story of Alexandra

 Alexandra is seventeen and an excellent swimmer. 

Illustration by Eric Sailer

She is fully confident that she has the skills necessary to use her legs and arms in a coordinated way that will enable her to reach the surface of the water in time to avoid drowning.

Because of her confidence about her swimming skills, Alexandra doesn’t experience any emotion about her swimming.  There is a mild, pleasant feeling that she has when she swims, but this is different than what I will mean when I refer to an emotional experience.   For sure, there are some feelings that we have during an emotional experience, but they are stronger than other feelings. 

Because Alexandra is so confident that her swimming skills can deal with anything she will have to deal with while swimming, Alexandra can carry out her skills without much thought.  This permits Alexandra to free her attention from staying completely focused on her swimming.  Her thoughts begin to drift away from her swimming to events that happened in her past. 

“That boy I met yesterday at the ice cream store was real cute!” she recalls.  She then begins to think about what she has in store for her when she returns to school after the weekend.

Some of these thoughts that are drifting around in her head do lead to some emotional reactions.  “Mrs. Smothers might yell at me in front of the whole class because I didn’t do well on my science test!” her thoughts cry out.  This threatens her desire to be treated with respect.  Her heart begins to pound as she begins to focus more intensely on this, and she is now experiencing the emotion of threat.

Suddenly Alexandra finds her foot has become entangled in sea plants. 

This is a dramatic change in what she had expected to occur while she went about her swim.  Recognizing a threat, Alexandra’s attention shifts rapidly away from the images of what might happen at school to what is going on in her present physical world where she is swimming.  At the same time, she begins to experience an emotion about what is currently happening to her.

Alexandra’s emotion is serving the function of giving her an extra burst of energy, and she uses it to begin to carry out the fight-or-flight response.  This is serving the function of trying to keep her alive.  First, she says to herself, “If I don’t get free, this could turn out bad!”  While saying this she tries to take flight from the grip of the plants and experiences the emotion of fear.  Her effort fails.  She then turns angry as her thoughts cry out, “Let go of me you stupid plants!”  And with that, her legs fight against the grip of the plants by giving a violent yank, thus tearing her free.

She now feels hopeful that she can reach the surface and breathe safely, but her hopeful emotion keeps her extra focused on what is happening in case there are any more problems that may spring up.

When Alexandra reaches the surface, happiness wells up in her as she takes her first breath in beautiful safety. 

 

 

Story Interpretation

In this story we get an introduction to what people do when they are NOT experiencing an emotion about something that is currently happening to them.  Here’s the idea in a nutshell:  Oftentimes we go on automatic pilot.  That is, when we develop enough confidence that the desires we hope to achieve in the near future can be achieved by a set of skills that are already well practiced, we may set them in motion, freeing our attention for other matters.

Alexandra, at the beginning of our story, has a desire to safely get some exercise and to achieve this she goes for a swim.  She has done this often enough in this area that she is confident enough that nothing will go wrong.  Thus, early on during her swim, she does not experience any emotion regarding her swim.

The story makes a distinction between emotion and feeling.  The touch of the water can be pleasant to some, and to others, unpleasant.  Emotions, as I define them, do have feelings that accompany them.  Emotions involve a distinctly stronger charge of energy than feelings in general.  This stronger charge of energy is most easily observed by the quickened pace of our heartbeat.  The extra energy permits us to stay focused on the situation that triggers the emotion and to carry out far more work than the more gentle states that tend to produce a rather quick smile or frown.

With the energy that is freed up when Alexandra utilizes her automatized swimming skills, she begins to think of other desires besides getting her exercise in for the day.  What she thinks about while exploring her memories and anticipations of future events in her imagination may lead to an emotion just as much as what she meets in the present physical world.

Another aspect of automatized skills that this story introduces is the idea that as we use them, we are still appraising the environment in case we notice an important change in what we are expecting.  Appraising means evaluating or assessing.  We are not always aware that this appraisal is going on, but we realize its existence each time we suddenly notice something unexpected and find our attention drawn to it.

In the story, Alexandra suddenly notices her foot is caught in the plants and she is not expecting this to happen.  This is a change in what she is expecting to happen as she goes about her swim.  She evaluates this change as threatening her desire for safety. Alexandra uses her burst of energy to carry out some skills that set her free.

One set of skills that she uses is to cry out in her mind, “Let go of me you stupid plants!” At this point, Alexandra is experiencing anger.  Because Alexandra is under water, she cannot scream these words out loud, but under normal conditions, she probably would.

If it was an animal or a person who had hold of her leg, Alexandra’s screams might have scared away the attacker.  Or her screams might have been heard by friends who could have come to her rescue.  And so, under some sets of circumstances, the angry screams could have helped to save her life, but not under water.  Instead, Alexandra’s skill to violently yank her foot away from the grip of the plant saves her.

In this blog, whenever people are experiencing the basic emotion of threat and then they either give off a signal that a fight might occur at any second, or they actually begin to fight, they experience anger.  In last week’s blog post when we saw our comic strip friends displaying such actions as glaring, waving their fingers, shouting, insulting, or baring their teeth, they were giving off signals that a fight might soon occur.

A threat to any desire can lead to the basic emotion of threat.  Examples are a desire to be liked, to be treated with respect and to be free to make our own choices.

In the story of Alexandra, when she becomes angry her actions end up saving her life.  As helpful as anger can be in certain types of situations, it can often make a situation worse.  Moreover, even when helpful, anger still may not be the best response choice.  To become wise, you must learn to recognize when to use anger, when to replace it with something better, and how to prepare yourself so that you can skillfully carry out more optimal plans even under highly threatening conditions.  By following this blog, you will learn these very skills.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict stress wisdom

ANGER: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

If you have been following this blog you know that I have discussed anger on several occasions (See, for example, BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2).  During these discussions, I mentioned that how you handle anger has a big influence on how much people like and respect you.  Today we delve into the nature of anger a little more with the help of some of our favorite comic strip buddies.

Getting Familiar with Anger

 

Most of us have a pretty good idea about what it means to be angry.  In the above comic, when Charlie Brown is shouting at Lucy and wildly waving his hands above his head, we’re pretty sure he is in the midst of an angry fit.

Although you already know, in some general way, what it means to be angry, if I was to ask you to quickly create a list of the various expressions and experiences that go along with anger, you might have to pause for a few seconds and your list might end up leaving out several important ones.  Moreover, some readers might have a somewhat different idea of what anger means than I do.  This might lead them to become confused about some of my statements.  And so, because we will be discussing situations that involve anger, it will be a valuable use of our time to take a quick look at anger as revealed in comics and for me to make some comments along the way.

Shouting and Glares

Consider this Luann comic.

Here, we see blond-haired Tiffany planning to put on a beauty pageant contest that she desires to win.  Suddenly, Tiffany experiences a conflict with Crystal.  What I mean by this is, Tiffany seems to desire to enjoy her thoughts about the glory of winning her pageant.  Interfering with this, Crystal throws out statements suggesting Tiffany might not win.  Judging from Tiffany’s angry reaction, I’m guessing she thinks Crystal is guilty of doing something wrong.  I’m hoping that you notice that the first letter of “desire,”  “interfering”,  and “guilt” spell out the word DIG.  It can remind you how to summarize a conflict. (To learn more about what it means to have a conflict, see my post, DIG for the Conflict).

In a sense, Tiffany set sail on the great Sea of Conflict just about when Crystal asks, “And if they don’t pick you?”

When Tiffany begins to glare at Crystal and shout, she has probably sailed into a region of conflict known as anger.  Assuming that someone isn’t pretending to be angry, the actions of glaring and shouting are pretty clear signs that indicate someone is angry.

Quiet Anger

Even when someone is not shouting, anger may be present.

In the above exchange between Luann and Tiffany, when they are whispering it is obvious that they are angry with each other.  The glaring and insult darts that they are throwing at each other provide us adequate signs that they are angry at each other.

Other Expressions of Anger

During conflicts, besides glaring, insults, and shouting there are a few other signs that indicate we are in the region of anger.  Consider the following Blondie comic.

Here, we see not only shouting, insults and glaring as signs of anger, but also pointing while waving a finger, insults and name calling.  I notice in the last panel that Blondie is giving Dagwood a little love.  I wonder if that will ease his anger.

See if you can see some additional anger signs in the following Retail comic.

Val, the woman with black hair, begins her expression of anger by placing her hands on her hips and widening her eyes.  She then crosses her arms in front of her, lowers her eyebrows, and threatens Courtney.

Below, we see Marcie express her anger a little differently.

In addition to shouting, Marcie throws up her hands and then begins to throw objects at Peppermint Patty.

Can you describe the turtle’s expression of anger in this next one?

As I see it, in this Sherman’s Lagoon comic when the turtle yells “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” he expresses his anger by insulting Sherman.  He also expresses his anger by banging his fist on the table.

In the comic below, how does the woman in orange express her anger?

The woman is shouting while leaning forward in a threatening manner and baring her teeth.

Next, we have a Piranha Club comic.

Notice that the woman goes beyond threats to express her anger, using direct physical violence.

In our next example, again someone goes beyond a threat to express anger.

Lucy expresses her anger by waving her fist, and then she ends up throwing a snowball at poor ol’ Charlie Brown.

Next, Helga doesn’t display any of the signs we already mentioned, and yet we and her husband still recognize that she is angry.

As this comic illustrates, withdrawing love may be a sign of anger.

Overt and Covert Anger

Overt anger refers to anger that is expressed in ways that we can clearly see, hear, or—as in the example of the woman slugging a guy—feel.

Other overt cues that may be interpreted as anger are frowning, blushing in the face or neck, not smiling, agitated rigid movements, apparent tension in the body, heavy walking, grinding one’s teeth, and a protruding neck vein.

In addition to overt anger, sometimes people attempt to hide their anger.

When people are angry inside but don’t show us outwardly that they are angry, we may say that they are experiencing covert anger.

When we attempt to determine if someone is angry, we may only be partially successful.  Because of the subtlety and variety of the clues that may suggest someone is covertly angry, we will at times guess wrongly.

In an effort to avoid offending some of their readers, there are several overt expressions of anger that we don’t observe in newspaper comics.  Crying out, “Jesus Christ!” and “God almighty!” are examples of religious-themed anger responses.  Shouting out curses are very popular in some circles.  Sometimes people, knowing these expressions of anger will get them in trouble, find themselves saying these words silently to themselves.

Often people show some aspects of their anger overtly while experiencing a commotion of other aspects of their anger inside of themselves that they do not wish to share with others.  They may find themselves silently cursing while imagining attacking the perceived cause of their anger.  They may feel hot, nervous, a tightness in their forehead, or a pounding in their blood vessels and heart.  Covert anger refers to all of the thoughts and body reactions of anger that others can’t observe.  Both overt and covert anger go along with the entire experience of anger.

Not All Expressions of Anger are Real Anger

On occasion, people will act angry when they are not.  This may be done, for example, because they think such actions will scare someone into fulfilling their desires.  At other times, they may desire to appear manly and believe displaying anger is manly.  And sometimes their friends are acting angry about something and in an effort to support their friends they may pretend that they are also angry.

Not All Conflicts Contain Anger

When we are in a conflict with someone, we are not always angry at the person whom we believe is guilty of doing something wrong.

In this Garfield comic, Jon may very well have a conflict with Liz that can be described as follows—Jon desires that Liz develop a better sense of humor and that she not twitch her nose when she is angry, but interfering with this, her actions have been suggesting to him that she will not be changing these attributes in the foreseeable future.  If asked, Jon might admit that Liz is guilty of being less than a perfect companion.  Nevertheless, Jon appears so in love with Liz that if we were to ask him if he is angry with her it’s not hard to imagine him saying, “Are you kidding!?  I’m not angry at her, I’m crazy about her!”

When we are engaged in a conflict, instead of feeling angry, we may feel fear, hope, loving kindness, sadness, humorous, and a sense of challenge.

Sometimes a Conflict begins in Anger and then it Fades Away Into the Distance

Oftentimes, when a conflict first begins, a person initially becomes angry.  As time goes by, people often find that they can sail away from anger to other less hostile regions on the great Sea of Conflict.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Summary

This blog post was designed to introduce you to some basic ideas about anger.  We focused on the various expressions and experiences of anger.  In future blog posts, we will go over such topics as how anger is related to other emotions, what we mean by emotions, what are the functions of the various emotions, and how we can learn to use our emotions wisely.  Although these topics can be very serious, with the help of our comic strip buddies, we can have some fun along the way.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence stress

DIG for the Conflict

To become a master at dealing with disrespectful acts, an important skill to learn is to identify the reason you are being treated this way.  In future blogs, I will discuss a total of eight reasons.  Today we’ll focus just on one of them.

Oftentimes the reason for the insulting behavior is that the insulter has a conflict with you. If you can quickly identify the conflict in very simple, clear terms, you will help both you and the other party to resolve the underlying cause for the disrespectful behavior.  Therefore, today’s blog post begins to teach you how to do this.  First, I’ll clarify what we mean when we use the word “conflict.”  Then I’ll teach you a simple strategy to summarize a conflict as you deal with disrespectful behavior.

WHAT IS A CONFLICT

dig2When I look to see if someone has a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what the person DESIRES in this situation, what is INTERFERING with the person’s desire, and whether or not the person believes someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

USING DIG TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR

Suppose I suggest to Judy that she should consider quitting her highly stressful job, and she responds as follows:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Feeling that the way Judy yelled at me is insulting, I could yell back at her that she is stupid.  Would that help to resolve the conflict or make it more intense?

Consider another approach.  I respond to Judy in a very concerned way, saying “Wow, you really got upset about what I said.  Are you OK?”

digThen, I listened in a caring manner to Judy’s reply, and summarize what she has said, thus reassuring her that I had listened. I then look to see if she has a conflict with me. I do this by remembering the word “DIG.” That reminds me to look for Judy’s DESIRE, what she might think I did to INTERFERE with her desire, and what she thinks I am GUILTY of doing wrong.

Now, from Judy’s reply to me, I might not know for sure what the desire, the interfering act, or the guilt is in the conflict. So, I would ask her some questions to clarify what she wants/desires me to do differently in the future. I might ask, for example, “Judy, from what you said, I think you desire from me that I don’t give you my opinion unless you ask for it. Is that right?”

Let’s say she responds, “No, that’s not it. I think your idea that I should quit my job makes no sense. How will I pay my bills?”

Now, I have a clearer idea about her concern. However, I might not be sure why my giving her my opinion about her quitting her job would interfere with whatever she wants to do, so I could ask her in a caring manner a question or two to clarify this.

Finally, because Judy became angry with my suggestion, it seems that she thinks I am guilty of doing something wrong. So I might gently ask her about this, with the goal of avoiding, if at all possible, doing again what she thinks I was guilty of doing.

Now, it is certainly possible to have a desire-interference problem in which neither party is viewed as guilty for doing anything wrong. For example, let us suppose that after working for a few years I desire to become a nurse. I realize interfering with fulfilling my desire is, I don’t have the credentials to become a nurse. I don’t blame myself for this, but I still have to figure out how to earn the necessary credentials.

This is just a brief introduction to the DIG approach. We’ll be going over some more specifics of how to use the DIG model in future posts. For example, some of the questioning that we use to clarify what are the desire, the interference, and the guilt components of the conflict might be better persued when the angry person has had some time to calm down. But for now, I’ll just point out that when you get skilled at this model, you would show a genuine interest in people who become upset with you and that you care enough about them to try to clarify what the issues are.

There is far more to resolving a conflict than clearly identifying the conflict. In future posts, step by step, we will be learning techniques for doing so. But showing an interest in why someone is upset and clarifying the nature of the conflict are important first steps.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that describes a conflict that you had with someone. In your description, identify each of the elements of the DIG Conflict Model, that is, the desire, the interfering act, and the perceived guilt.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.