Tag: psychological maturity

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anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence jealousy negative criticism psychological maturity stress types of criticism wisdom

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I have been discussing a model that describes five levels of maturity when responding to criticism. Today, we switch gears, and take a look at a model that describes five levels of maturity when providing criticism.

The Five Levels

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide criticism, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about someone’s actions, beliefs, or appearance.  Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point.  Each successive level is more mature:

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Cries without stating what the crying is about
  • Physically attacks the person being criticized
  • Damages property

Although these three descriptors may not sound like providing criticism, in some situations we can see that it is the very beginning of the development of this skill.  Let’s say Jill takes baby Bob’s crayon away believing he is done with it.  Bob begins to cry and takes a swipe at Jill.  She manages, by moving away, to avoid Bob’s swipe. Bob now looks even angrier and crumbles up a piece of paper and flings it on the floor.  An observer to this may conclude that Bob, in a sense, is criticizing Jill for taking the crayon.   

   

   

   2.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, someone might be making too much noise and the criticizer might turn to the noise maker and glare, or cry out, “Jerk!”)
  • Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.


 

     3.  The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   4.   The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.  If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

   5.  When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in.  As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.

  • Person variables that are considered:  From observing how the person to be criticized handled criticism in the past, he or she determines which of the five levels of responding to criticism is most characteristic of the individual. (For example, if someone tends to physically attack the criticizer when criticized and is big enough to cause real bodily harm, then a decision is made either to not provide the criticism or to provide it only when there is sufficient security, or else someone else is employed to provide the criticism who is capable of dealing safely with the attack prone person.)  Other person variables considered are how sensitive the person is when criticized, is the person to be criticized currently in an angry or sad mood, is the criticism likely to be perceived as particularly difficult to bear, versus something likely to be viewed as a relatively minor matter, and if the criticizer’s relationship with the person to be criticized is less than ideal.  Depending on such variables, consideration is given to waiting until the person is in a pleasant mood and enlisting someone else to provide the criticism such as a more neutral person, a friend, or someone who is admired by the person who will be criticized.  When the person to be criticized is particularly sensitive about an issue, a fictionalized story with a character who displays the offending behavior may be presented, and then the character’s behavior is discussed.
  • Situation characteristics that are considered:  Are there other people around that will lead to face saving behavior coming into play?  Is there enough time set aside to process the criticism?  Has the person who is to provide the criticism been providing too much negative criticism in too short a period of time? (In this case, consideration is given to waiting until some time goes by in which some positive things are said over the course of several days before hitting the person to be criticized over the head yet again!)

PRACTICE

A good way to become familiar with the five levels is to cut out comics from the paper that illustrate someone providing criticism to someone else.  Then, from time to time compare the descriptions of the five levels to how the character in the comic provided the criticism and then see if you can choose which level best matches the criticism style.  For example, in the Peanuts comic that I used above to illustrate a level five response, with Lucy deciding to give Charlie some time to calm down, I actually altered the last panel in the comic for educational purposes.  The real comic, in its entirety appears below.


In this comic, if you will, compare Lucy’s criticism to each of the five levels and see if you can choose which level is the best match.  In coming weeks, we’ll be practicing these types of skills in a variety of fun ways.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence meditation psychological maturity ruminations stress

ANGER, RUMINATION, AND MEDITATION

Recently, I published posts that discussed dealing with your anger that might arise when you are criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 and BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2).  The techniques that are recommended in those posts can be helpful for those who are upset about what was said.  But there are times when we are criticized and we get angry and we kind of think it’s about the criticism, but it really is about something else. Perhaps we realize that if someone else had criticized us in the same way using the same words, we would have been fine about it.  Nevertheless, we ended up getting furious because of who said it. We then went home and our anger about what happened just kept coming up again and again.  We wish it would just stop, but it doesn’t.

Such ruminations can be helpful.  Each time we think over the memory in light of what we have learned since the event first occurred, we might think of some better ways to deal with the conflict.  Then, if a similar event does occur, we may find that we are better prepared than if we hadn’t repeatedly mulled it over.

Despite their helpfulness, there are times when again and again an angry memory keeps creeping ever so annoyingly into our consciousness so that finally we conclude it doesn’t seem to be doing us any good.

Margaret was terribly abused by a man when she was a child. She now finds that even though twenty years have passed, each time she begins to develop a promising relationship with a guy, he ends up doing something that somehow reminds her of something that happened during the earlier abusive relationship. She then ends up recalling all that she had suffered. This leads her to act in a manner that is way out of proportion to what the new guy has done. The new guy runs for the hills and the woman, when she has calmed down, wishes she can become less sensitive.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

There are several approaches that we will be discussing in future posts to help deal with such disturbing ruminations. Today, we will focus on meditation.

Meditation

For thousands of years people have advocated that sitting comfortably while resting one’s thoughts on a mantra—that is, an object to attend to—can help to ease the burdens of life. Teachers of meditation usually mix in ancient wise counsel as the student learns this beautiful art.

Research has demonstrated that meditation can be helpful for improving empathy, working memory, the ability to focus, and relationship satisfaction, as well as reducing stress, anxiety, and ruminations.  Evidence also suggests that mindfulness meditation has numerous health benefits, including increased immune functioning (see http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx for a review of the research.)

For those who want to give meditation a try before entering into a course or participating in many of the available wonderful retreats, I offer the following.

A SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE FORM OF MEDITATION

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

Set aside about twenty minutes. Preferably, choose a time when you haven’t eaten for at least an hour.  This is because right after a meal your stomach begins to work hard to digest what you have just consumed.  It is better to wait until much of this is over.  This way your body can devote more of its energy for your journey into the deepest levels of your mind.

The only tool you need is a clock or watch so you can know when the twenty minutes are up.  Select the most quiet, comfortable place you can find for sitting. With this form of meditation there is no requirement to sit in any unique fashion.  If you desire to shift your position at any time, feel free to go right ahead.

Begin by checking the time and then figure out what time it will be when twenty minutes will have passed.  Then close your eyes, take a deep inward breath, and as you exhale, let your whole body deeply relax.  For approximately thirty seconds, enjoy letting your mind drift wherever it wishes to go.

After the half minute has passed, begin to observe your breathing.  This observation of your breath serves as your mantra.  Do not try to alter the flow of your breath as you observe it, just observe it.  At first you may find that just the act of observing your breathing in and out will result in altering your breathing pattern.  This is very natural and a common experience.  There is nothing wrong with what you are doing when this happens. As long as you gently seek to observe your breathing without influencing its flow you are doing wonderfully.

Now, as you gently seek to do this, not only will you see yourself at times influencing the flow of your breathing, but you will also find, from time to time, that your attention will drift away from your breath altogether. In fact, it is a common experience.  Many of us find that we spend almost no time whatsoever observing our breath as we meditate, our thoughts instead drifting here and there on other matters.  Such experiences are a natural part of meditating.  You are doing nothing wrong.  There is no need to feel guilty.

When you notice that your attention has drifted away from your breathing, very gently see if you can effortlessly return to observing your breath.  If you can, do so.  If you find that your mind drifts back to something else, this is fine. The whole process is effortless.  This is one reason that it is so relaxing.  That is, you give your mind something so simple to do that it requires no real effort, and whenever you begin to drift from this no effort task, you accept this as just a natural part of the process without chastising yourself.

As you do this, from time to time check and when you notice that twenty minutes have gone by, take a deep in-breath, exhale, and then give yourself two minutes to let your breath and mind wander wherever they will go.  In this way, you ease out of meditation and return to your non-meditative state.

SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Over the years, when I taught people to meditate, the following questions were often asked.
1. Question: How often should I meditate?
Answer: The research demonstrating the effectiveness of meditation has not yet adequately compared those who meditate twice a day to those who meditate more or less.  Instead of research, we are guided by tradition and our own experience.

From traditional sources, twice a day appears to be the most common practice.  Dr. Herbert Benson, the author of the popular book titled, The Relaxation Response, and a leader in carrying out research on meditation, reports that once or twice a day is sufficient.

I recommend that beginners practice twice a day (preferably before breakfast and before suppertime) for the following reasons.  This is what I was taught by a yoga teacher when I first began to practice forty years ago and it has become a comfortable, valued practice for over 40 years.  Moreover, I have taught many using this technique and have never seen anyone who expressed harm from this practice.  There have been many who have reported dramatic improvements in daily functioning.

2. Question: If I don’t have time to meditate for twenty minutes can I gain some benefits from practicing for less time?
Answer: Dr. Herbert Benson reports that some studies indicate that practicing daily as little as ten minutes per day can produce significant improvements lowering your stress levels.  If you find that you don’t have even ten minutes a day to meditate, you might consider that age old adage that the time to meditate is when you don’t have time to meditate.

A young woman once told me that she didn’t have time to meditate even for ten minutes a day. “How much TV do you watch?” I inquired.  She smiled sheepishly and after a few seconds of calculating in her mind, replied, “Five hours a night.”  She quickly added, “Well, I have to watch my shows!”  In my view, this woman would be wise to reset her priorities.

3. Question: How does meditation help to reduce problems involving recurring angry memories?
Answer: As you meditate, among the thoughts that float into your awareness are angry memories.  When this occurs, you tend to be in a more peaceful state than usual.  The pairing of the memory with this peaceful state allows for a more dispassionate look at the events that had surrounded the original angry episode.  This process often leads to a perspective that is experienced as less threatening.  And sometimes an insightful plan suddenly emerges with great promise should a similar problem cross your path.

The meditation process has been likened to dying a piece of material.  Suppose you have a white sweater and you would like to dye it a nice royal blue.  The first time you dip the sweater in the dye solution and let it sit for a while, when you lift it from the solution you might not notice any change at all.  Upon soaking the sweater again in the solution, letting it sit for awhile, and then lifting it out, this time you may think you notice a slight change, but you are not sure.  You repeat this process several more times and slowly but surely you begin to see the color of the sweater becoming a wonderful hue. In this way, each time you sit in meditation, your anger will ease into something more beautiful.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2

In my last post, I discussed BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

I received some nice comments from people who found the suggestions helpful.  Thanks!

For some, the suggestions that I put forth on this blog are easy to carry out in real life situations.  For others, old habits that have been used in anger- arousing situations for years are not so easily changed.  This is true even when people become convinced that the new style makes sense.  After a few tries at using the new style and finding that the attempts come off as clumsy, many people may decide that the new style is just not “natural” for them.  They feel that their effort to change is really an effort to suppress their “natural” style, and suppression is not healthy.

The association of anger suppression with learning new skills to deal with anger is understandable, for when one has spent many years acting one way, learning alternative behaviors can be frustrating.  This uncomfortable sensation may be seen as the suppression of one’s “natural” mode of behavior.  It’s a similar experience to how actors might feel when first learning a new role or golfers a new swing.  At first the skill to be learned feels awkward and the early phase of learning can leave them to observe their heart racing and their blood pressure skyrocketing.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

To take a particularly vivid example, consider what happens when human beings have to go to empty their bowels.  When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere.  No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy.  Most of us now understand that when people feel the urge, they can learn to excuse themselves in a pleasant manner and then wait a bit until they get to a more private place to do this type of business.  No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger.  To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling, icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

Taking the time to calm yourself in the manner suggested in last week’s blog can work, but for most people, it takes practice.  By designing a program in small incremental steps and heeding the suggestions I will be making on this blog, the feeling of suppressing one’s natural behavior can be largely reduced or even completely eliminated.

First of all, Expect Missteps.

By studying the posts on this blog, it is likely that several situations will occur that you now find yourself handling much better than before.  If the response by others you are engaged with ends up being favorable, this will encourage you to utilize the same approach again and again until it begins to feel natural, that is, second nature to you.  Other skills will come off a bit awkward or you will get a less than favorable response, and you may experience frustration.  When you try the skill again, you may now feel unsure and your effort may lead you to interpret this as suppressing a more “natural” way to respond.  You may therefore give up and conclude that you are helpless to make a meaningful change in this type of skill.

A big part of the solution to this problem is to reread the section that discusses the skill, and then practice over and over in your mind a narrative that has you envisioning utilizing the skill.  When you can smoothly imagine in detail carrying out the skill, try it out again in real life.  You may have to do this a few times until you get it right.

Today, I will provide a little fun practice session to help to better learn the skill of being a wise friend to your angry self.

You and your Friend, Eric

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

You and your friend, Eric, are discussing the upcoming election.  Eric explains why he intends to vote for someone in the upcoming presidential election you believe would do an awful job.  After the discussion has gone on for awhile, eventually it becomes clear to you that neither of you are going to change your opinions.

It’s at this point that you feel your anger toward Eric rising up within you.  Before reading on, spend some time thinking about what you would now do. 

After thinking about this, consider trying to come up with a charming way to say to Eric you’d like to take some time to think about the discussion you have both been having and then leading the discussion on to another topic.  Envision in your mind exactly what you would say, and how you would say it.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

After you have thought about this, see if your response includes summarizing for Eric his main points.  Then a smile, perhaps a good-nature pat on the back of Eric’s shoulder, and then a comment like, “Well Eric, by now you know my opinion about this and I certainly know yours.  We obviously disagree.  Nevertheless, I’m still very fond of you.”  Finally, a comment by you that indicates your willingness to continue the conversation after you had some time to reflect on what has already been said.

It is now later in the day.  You recall the conversation with Eric and anger rises up within you.  Think about what you would do to deal with this.

After thinking about this, reread last week’s post and compare and contrast it with what you came up with.  Practice this exercise until you can,

1. envision in your mind very quickly and smoothly coming up with a charming way to disengage with Eric;

2. describe how you wish to respond to your anger when it flares up after you leave Eric for the day.

When you can do this three times without using any notes, you will find that the next time a similar situation comes up, you will be able to handle it far better than you thought possible.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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anger conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress Thich Nhat Hanh

BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1

In my last post,  CRITICISM AND ANGER, I discussed how sometimes when we are criticized we find ourselves getting angry.  At such times, it’s a good idea to have a well-practiced strategy to summarize the criticism that has been made and then to respectfully call for a break in the discussion to consider all that has been said.

Once you have removed yourself from the anger arousing situation, what are valuable things that you can do to take advantage of your cooling down period? In coming posts, I will discuss a variety of ideas, but today we will focus in on being a wise friend to your angry self.

Wisdom and Anger

If I was wise, how would I respond to a friend who was angry?  If my friend, Steve, was angry, I would gently invite him to take a walk in the country or park.

If he agreed to a stroll, as we went on our way I would listen to him in a caring manner.  If he said he’d rather sit and talk in a quiet place, or not talk at all, I’d offer to do that with him.

Similarly, when I become angry, if at all possible, I take myself for a walk and my friendly, supportive self listens in a caring way to my angry self.

My friendly self doesn’t try to get my angry self to suppress any anger, but rather, to freely express it, but only in private.

Over the years, I have found that whenever my friendly self spends time interacting with my angry self, after awhile my angry self calms down.  During the calm spell, I am far more open to reason.

Now, as you try this out with yourself, please keep in mind that your angry self does not seek to suppress any anger to reach this relatively calm state.  It will occur naturally without any effort at all. Just listen to yourself in a caring manner, and see for yourself what happens.

Once you are in a state of relative calm, you can begin to respond to the conditions that led to anger in a more reasonable manner.

There are some wonderful metaphors that can help you through this process of reaching a relative period of calm.  Thich Nhat Hanh, in his fine book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, reminds us that if we are wise, we do not seek to suppress our anger or wage war against it.  Instead, we can learn to view anger as an organic feeling.

Thich Nhat Hanh
Thich Nhat Hanh

“The practice” Hahn writes, “is to transform yourself.  If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost.  And if you have no compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you.  You need the suffering, the inflictions in you.  Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them.”

Another Hanh metaphor I like has us thinking of our anger as a potato that we have picked out of a garden.  When we first take it out of the soil it is dirty and hard.  It is not quite ready to provide us with an excellent form of nourishment.  It is much better to take some time to clean it up and then to have it sit in a warm oven for awhile.  Then it soon turns into something delicious.

Similarly, when anger first arises, it is very likely to be a poor form of nourishment.  In fact, it can even turn out to be poisonous.  You have to clean it up first, and then find the right place where it can best be turned into a valued experience.

Now, as you go through this calming period, you will notice your angry self chattering away, saying things like, “That idiot who made me angry is a stupid jerk.”  Other derogatory statements about the source of your anger may come to mind.  Perhaps you will think about how you can do harm to the person your mind is insulting.  This is part of the anger process.

At such times, see if you can observe your angry self in a nonjudgmental manner as this is happening.  If you can’t, there is no need to punish yourself.  Anger is a strong emotion.  Be as kind to yourself as you can throughout this process—just like a good, compassionate friend would.

observing sensationsFrom time to time, see if you can take a few seconds to observe the physical sensations you are experiencing.  The chattering in your mind may make this difficult, so if this does not happen, again you are not encouraged to punish yourself.  Just gently remind yourself that observing the physical sensations you are experiencing could be useful to do if you can.

Now, once you take maybe an hour or so to be a good pal to your “angry” self, even if you have calmed down at this point, if at all possible, don’t leap into trying to come up with a resolution to your angry conflict.  Give yourself a full week, whenever possible, to plan your next discussion with the person with whom you have an angry conflict.

Take advantage of this relacalmtively calm period to map out a strategy to address the concerns raised during the anger arousing situation.  If you come up with some ideas that sound promising, I encourage you to NOT commit to any one idea just yet.  Instead, afterwards, see if you can enter into some different activity unrelated to the conflict such as playing with the kids, doing some housework, watching a movie, going bowling, calling your mother, etc. It is best to take a break from the conflict for awhile and have a night to sleep on it.

This break from formally trying to figure out what your next step should be can be valuable for coming up with creative solutions.  During this period, you’re not badgering yourself to go step by step in any process.  You are aware that you have plenty of time before you will be expected to have a plan to move forward.  There is a reduction in any sense of pressure.  Moreover, your mind does need some rest.  The processing of anger arousing conflicts can be exhausting.

discussionToward the end of the week, if the conflict isn’t too personal, consider discussing what happened with some people you respect and trust.  Two or three heads are usually better than one.

Finally, shortly before meeting again the person with whom you are having the angry conflict, see if you can work up a heightened sense of determination to achieve your desire to resolve this conflict.  Keep in mind that the stress you have been experiencing is normal and fulfillment is not found in easy comfort, security, and routine, but rather in the continual growth in wisdom through what is learned from negative and positive experiences of an active, changing life.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE CASE AGAINST THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

In recent blogs posts I have been discussing five levels of responding to criticism (see May 13th post and May 27th post).  Over the years most of my students have been largely supportive of its framework, but naturally there has been some criticism.  A mother, for example, told me that although she agreed with the five levels framework when adults are responding to criticism from other adults, there are times when there is nothing wrong with a parent shouting, or even whacking their children if they dare criticize them.  And then there is the case of a boy we will call Rob…

The Case of Rob

A few years ago, I was working in a juvenile correction facility that had some female cottages and some male ones.  One day, while I was having lunch with the residents of one of the female cottages, two 15-year old girls sitting beside me began to chat…

Illustration by Dianna Martinez

Both of these girls had eyes that began to glow as they discussed the bloody outcome.

I asked the girls if they really respected the way Rob had handled the conflict, and they said they did.

“Powerful people have the skill to get what they want,” I said.  “Do you girls think that Rob wants to spend a year locked up in this place?”

“No,” said Jill, “but when he gets out people are gonna know you can’t mess with him.  He’ll be able to walk in the neighborhood with his head high.”

Shortly afterwards, I got to meet Rob.  I asked him why he got locked up in the facility…

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

 

Rod went on from there to say, “And so, Al, he says, ‘People may act like they respect you when you’re around because they’re afraid, but as soon as you walk away they spit on your souls.’  Well, I couldn’t let him get away with that!  How would that look?”

“The thing is, Rob,” I replied, “power is the skill to get what you want.  Do you want to be locked up in here?”

“No.”

“Tonight, what would you like to be doing?”

“Be out on a date with a girl I like.”

“You can’t do that here.”

“No.  But I couldn’t let that Al get away with what he said.”

“When Al said that stuff about people spitting on your souls behind your backs, what do you think would have happened if you said, ‘I’m sure there are some who feel that way?’”

“My guys wouldn’t have liked that.”

“How come most people have no trouble staying out of fights and avoiding getting locked up?”

“They don’t hang out with the guys in my neighborhood.”

“Some guys in your neighborhood look up to people who act violently toward criticism.  Still, most people in your neighborhood don’t act violently or get arrested.  How come?”

“They’re chicken.”

I asked Rob what he liked to do.  Among the things he mentioned was singing.  Since I play the guitar, I formed a singing trio with Rob and two other singers and we put on a show every now and then for the other teenagers.  In the beginning, during rehearsals, because of the arguments that occurred whenever criticism occurred, we often made little progress.  But, through some counseling with Rob, he came to understand that higher levels of responding to criticism would help the group to accomplish our musical goals.  With less shouting and people storming away, and with less of a need to have security intervene as two combatants were preparing to go at one another, we spent far more time on music.

Rob came to agree that dealing with criticism at higher levels was better in general, but he continued to believe his gang back in his neighborhood would think less of him if he didn’t act tough.

“Maybe it would be better for you to find a new bunch of friends, friends that you don’t have to get locked up for, or killed for, just so that they will like you.”

“With the gang, I know they already accept me for what I am.  With new people, well I don’t know.”

“It’s a bit scary starting over with new people.”

“I guess.”

“Scarier than getting arrested or killed?”

“In a strange way, yeah.”

People like Rob have a tougher time than most of us when deciding on the wisest course of action in the face of criticism.

In your life, you will have to decide if violence is right for you. To help to further clarify these issues, I have written a coming of age trilogy about  a young boy, Steve Marino, who repeatedly contends with his violent father. As Steve begins to mature, he struggles with how to get by on the gritty streets of Brooklyn; should he follow in his father’s violent footsteps, or his Uncle Rickey’s, a guy who is just as big and strong as Steve’s dad, but with a knack for avoiding violence and developing a friendly loyalty by participating in fun activities? The first of these three novels, A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, is available for free by clicking here.

hero coverLove cover

Well, that’s my post for this week. I hope to see you all right back here real soon at From Insults to Respect .

 

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY: WHAT IS IT?

In this blog, from time to time I have said that some responses to criticism are more mature than others.  To refer to maturity without being clear about what it means can lead to confusion. So, today, I clarify what I meant by this. To do so, please consider the following comic strip.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

When Andy says that Marsha is acting immature, it is possible that he means nothing more than that he doesn’t like the way she is acting.  His pronouncement may be nothing more than his value judgment.

In contrast, sometimes when the term is used there is a vague idea that there are different developmental levels of maturity, and the person said to be immature is thought to have not reached a more optimal level according to the person doing the judging.  Sometimes the person who calls the other person immature is somewhat older then the person being criticized.  Older people sometimes believe that they have the authority to decide when a younger person is being immature—that is, the mere fact that they are older gives them the authority to pronounce this type of judgment.  Younger people, especially as they move out of childhood and enter into their teenage years, aren’t always convinced that such authority is legitimate.

People studying the body often talk about maturity as it relates to bodily changes.  Thus, as children mature they grow taller, and as they mature more, men oftentimes grow facial hair, their voices deepen, etc.  When I talk about immaturity and maturity, I am not referring to bodily changes.  Nor am I attempting to offer only my value judgment, though the reader, I believe, would be wise to be on guard against anyone making such a claim.  As the brilliant physicist and professor, Niels Bohr, used to say, “Every sentence that I utter should be regarded by you not as an assertion but as a question.”

When I say a behavior is more mature than another, I mean it is “better” in the long run, it considers more variables, and represents more comprehensive cognitive problem solving.  Individuals who tend to act at higher levels of psychological maturity can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, and yet to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments.

Such a description of maturity, in a general sort of way, can be valuable to envision as a general goal.  Nevertheless, you will find that I will never just rely on this general description whenever I urge you to respond in a more mature manner.  Instead, I will provide more specific descriptions of the actions that are necessary to achieve specific goals.  For example, I recently provided very specific sets of responses that describe five different maturity levels of responding to criticism (see HERE and HERE).  Soon, I will provide specific descriptions of how people at different levels of maturity provide criticism to others.  Other aspects of psychological maturity will become evident in time.

So, there you have it—my view of psychological maturity.  I hope you will reflect on this, feel free to suggest improvements, and decide for yourself if the term can be useful.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.