As each school year begins I like to once again post this discussion of how I would rate a school district’s handling of an incident in which a bus monitor was taunted by some middle school children during their bus ride home.
Now, to be fair to the school district, I hasten to point out that the incident occurred several years ago, and I have zero first hand knowledge of how the district actually handled this situation. My discussion rests on what I’ve observed from interviews with the bus monitor, reports from news agencies and my own personal reaction.
From what I’ve been able to gather, this was not the first time the monitor observed taunting and bullying on her school bus. In a TV interview, she reported that she had written referrals about this to school officials and “nothing would be done.”
According to the school district, it had at the time of this incident, a plan in place to address bullying:
“Specifically, the Greece Central School District had recently adopted the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, a systemic approach involving all community stakeholders to reduce bullying and other anti-social behaviors. The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained. This behavior is a clear violation and will not be tolerated. The district will also ensure that reporting procedures are reviewed and response procedures are systemically in place.”
Okay, so I do credit the school district for adopting a fine prevention program. And perhaps because it had only “recently” been adopted, not all of its features can be expected to have been be fully implemented.
Nevertheless, when I heard the district say, “The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained,” I found myself cringing. In my opinion, if a bus monitor makes a referral about tormenting and bullying on the bus, if the monitor is left feeling that nothing is done, something is seriously wrong.
If the school district had thoroughly trained this bus monitor what would I have expected to occur in the situation that she found herself in?
In my opinion, as soon as she had heard any signs of taunting or bullying on the bus on the way home from school, she would have been thoroughly trained to make the following announcement in a loud clear voice.
“I have just observed some actions that struck me as taunting or bullying. I expect it to stop immediately. If I hear even a hint of anything more that strikes me as taunting or bullying, I will have the bus immediately returned to the school. Those involved will be then escorted off the bus and will wait for their parents to pick them up.”
Then, if any other disrespectful behavior was heard, she would then call, via a cell phone, the school district’s administration so that personnel will be prepared to meet the bus and to carry out this plan.
This type of response would be no surprise to students or parents. In schools that have had proper training, all students, parents and staff are informed that this plan will happen under this set of circumstances.
In the event that the school bus does return back to school, all students who taunted or bullied anyone on the bus would be required, in order to be permitted to ride the bus again, to write a letter of apology, make a commitment to never do it again, and explain why taunting and bullying are wrong.
Such a plan empowers the bus monitor. Moreover, it creates a climate in which the other students on the bus would use social pressure to discourage taunting and bullying because they would not want any delays in getting home. In addition, the act of writing the letter would be used as a teaching moment, rather than punishment.
Now this type of plan would never be the sole approach to dealing with taunting and bullying. Any bullying approach must include a more encompassing program like Olweus Bullying Prevention Program. Nevertheless, for those following this blog I believe it is helpful for me to lay out what my expectation for handling the specific type of situation that the bus monitor found herself in. Then readers can compare and contrast my view with what they view as a skillful response.
——————————— Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Why did these boys continue to say and do such hurtful things for over ten minutes? Was it because they hoped their actions would encourage the monitor to make some improvements in her life? This seems doubtful because their actions plainly demonstrated that they had absolutely no desire to help this woman. Was it because they were playfully teasing her? This is a bit more likely. Immature people, because of their lack of empathy, may come to believe that to be successful at this game you must seek to make a person feel as rotten as you can.
These two reasons for criticizing someone—the desire to encourage improvement and playful teasing—were discussed in my last post. Today I’d like to discuss what I believe is a more likely reason why these boys acted the way they did.
The Desire to Form a Bond with a Group by Putting Down Non-group Members
Many people have a desire to join together in a common cause. That’s one big reason why playing games like baseball can be so much fun. Hit a homer, or even a ground ball that brings in the winning run, and your group is patting you one the back and the fans are cheering. When immature people express this desire, because of their lack of empathy, they can join together with others to humiliate a minority or one or more individuals who are viewed as too powerless to defend themselves.
Illustration by Lois Hubertz
Sometimes we see this sort of behavior occur when a new girl starts a new school.
Illustration by Eric Sailer
In the bus monitor situation that we saw in the viral YouTube video, there was just one bus monitor and several boys who began to criticize her weight and to seek to humiliate her in a host of other ways. This sure looks like a classic situation in which a group of immature individuals sought to band together in a common cause.
When someone faces these types of difficult situations, what is a respectable way to respond? No single blog post can fully answer this question, but I would like to throw out some ideas for your consideration. Let’s begin with a parable.
The Parable of Jason and Ron
Illustration by Deanna Martinez
As we look at the pictures of this parable, let me add some details. When Jason says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ron,” he looks squarely into Ron’s eyes. Then he gives Ron a slight nod of his head and goes on his way. Throughout the interaction between Jason and Ron, Jason remains friendly, while at the same time, self-assured.
When I was in school, one day I noticed a boy handle a similar situation like Jason. The other students seemed to respect how the boy handled the teasing. So I began to rehearse this style in front of a mirror over the course of a few days. The next time one of the older students teased me, I gave it a try. It ended up working just fine.
Now I understand that the bus monitor in the video was under a contract agreement that she could not just give a nod to the four boys and then walk away. And so, what might she have done that was better than her approach? Here’s one possibility.
She could have looked each of the boys in their eyes and made it clear that she understood what the boys had said–“You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t like what I look like. I’ve heard you out. Now you’re seeking to torment me. If I see you doing anymore tormenting, to me or to anyone else on the bus, we’ll discuss it together with the principal and you’re parents.”
If the boys did continue to seek to humiliate her, she could follow through by strongly advocating that each of the boys that were involved indeed have a meeting with their parents and principal. There should be a separate meeting for each boy. The boy who is being discussed should be included, but not the other boys who were involved. Without the presence of those who cheered him on, each boy would be better able to look more squarely at the concerns of all present at the meeting.
It could be very helpful to include at each of these meetings some mature adult who has formed a close relationship with the teenager under discussion. Oftentimes a coach, art teacher, or another adult who the teenager has come to respect, can powerfully make the point that forming bonds with others by playing the game of humiliating is just plain wrong.
——————– Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Those following this blog have been reading about the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism(see May 13th post and May 27th post). How well did Karen Klein, the 68-year-old grandmother who many of us witnessed in a YouTube video, do? There, during a 10 minute episode, middle school students hurl a barrage of criticism at her. One asks for her address because he says he wants to go urinate on her door. Another tells her that she doesn’t have a family because “they all killed themselves because they didn’t want to be near you.”
WOW! These are pretty cold things to say!
Some of the boys went beyond words, poking her as soon as her sight was directed away from them. One boy reached over and poked her on the side of her breast.
Such behavior goes well beyond criticism and enters the realm of abuse.
Karen Klein responded with periods of trying to ignore the responses and tearfulness. After the episode was over, she was questioned by authorities and media and she came across to me as a sweet lady who went through a very uncomfortable experience.
If we were to try to use the five levels of maturity to determine if Karen Klein’s response to criticism was mature or immature, this would be rather unfair. Yes, her crying and efforts to ignore the criticism are viewed, according to the five levels, as among the more immature responses. But the five levels of responding to criticism are designed to describe the levels of maturity for handling just one type of criticism—criticism that is intended to help the person being criticized to improve in some way. It is quite clear from the ten minute YouTube video that the criticisms that the middle school students were bombarding Ms. Klein were NOT intended for this purpose.
By following this blog, you will come to identify eight different reasons why people criticize others. Once you can quickly identify the reason for the criticism, you will be in a much better position to come up with a mature way to respond to the criticism. For example, in addition to the type of criticism that is intended to encourage a person to improve, there is a type of criticism used to play a game we will call “playful teasing.”
Playful Teasing
Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, and trash talk. You are judged in part on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.
Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.
Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game. Their empathy helps them to realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.
Less mature people, partly because of their lower levels of empathy, may think that the more awful they can make someone feel during this game, the better they are at it. When the criticizers have themselves been humiliated by other immature people, they may come to be even more motivated to humiliate others as a way to take out their own pain on others.
If you find that you are being criticized and it doesn’t seem to be motivated by a desire to get you to improve, and you’re not sure what else may be the reason, my advice is to first theorize that it’s just some playful teasing. If the criticism is provided with a smile, or by someone you know who likes to tease in a friendly way, you can be pretty sure that it is just for fun. Then, if you reply with a smile and a comment such as, “That’s a good one,” it shows that you can take a little teasing without getting defensive. If you want to take the game a little further, you can throw a friendly insult right back, like “Same to you, fellow.” When you’ve had enough of the game, smiling and giving the other player a pat on the back can be a good way to draw the game to an end.
Sometimes you are not sure if playful teasing is the name of the game. Then you have to be careful about throwing insults back at the insulter. If it turns out that the criticizer’s comments are not meant to be playful teasing, throwing back insults might make the situation worse. Here are some ideas that permit you to play along while providing you time to figure out what’s really going on.
After the first insult, consider responding in a kidding around way by crying, “OH YEAH!?” As you do this, pretend, in an obviously joking around way, that you have become defensive at the insulter’s comment. But then follow up your fake outrage with a broad smile. This shows that you can play along with the insult while, at the same time, you can take a joke.
If the insulter again insults you in a manner that still leaves you uncertain if the person is just teasing, consider saying the following. “It looks like you have some more missiles to send my way. Okay, hit me with your best shots. I already know that you think my nose is too big and my mother is a fool, so there’s no need to bother with those. Go ahead. I can take it.”
Then, if the insults continue, cry out…
Illustration by Eric Sailer
All of this allows you to continue to play along without throwing insults back at a criticizer who may not be playing the teasing game. By the time you fall to your knees, if you still aren’t clear about what is going on, get back up and try saying in a concerned, caring way, “Listen, at first I thought you were joking around. Now I’m not so sure. Is everything okay?”
This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior. But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down the list of other desires that motivate criticism. We will be reviewing these in coming weeks.
If you find that the person, or the group of people teasing you are playing the game of teasing in the immature manner—that is, just trying to make you feel as awful as possible—what can you do? I suggest that you just give a quick nod at the comment and then get as far away as possible. Then do your best to stay away from such people.
Now, I certainly realize it is not always easy to avoid a person or a group. Students or bus monitors who ride the school bus are pretty much forced to be confined with a certain set of students for a period of time a couple of times each day. Or the group you want to avoid might be in your classes. As you leave the class you might be stuck walking down the hall with the criticizers. In such cases, when you feel that you have reached your limit of dealing with the put downs, sometimes the following approach is worth a try.
To begin, this approach only requires that you learn to say two words—Please, enough. That’s the easy part. For some, learning how to say these words is the hard part of this strategy.
To use this technique, after two or three insults, say, in a very serious way, rather softly, but loud enough to be clearly heard, “Please.” Then pause for about three seconds while looking firmly into the eyes of each person who has been teasing you. Than say, “e” using the long “e” sound. Then, after another second, say, “nough!” When you look into the eyes of each of the name callers, you are NOT to glare at them in a threatening manner, with your eyebrows pressed to the middle of your forehead. Rather, you are seeking to be firm and very, very, serious.
If immediately after you finish saying this, somebody begins to insult you again, repeat the same words in a similar manner, but this time say it distinctly louder, though just short of shouting. At this point you are seeking to communicate that dire consequences are at hand. You must be firm and look squarely into the eyes of each insulter once again. Then you are to remain very serious while staring either out the school bus’s window or straight ahead where you are walking, but not at any one of the criticizers. You are to remain silent, without talking to anyone, for the remainder of the period you are stuck together, looking the whole time like you are through fooling around and enough is enough!
When the end of the time period that you are stuck together comes, immediately take your stuff and hurry away from the group continuing to look like you are very much annoyed.
The next time you see them, again, turn very serious and silent. If the group members don’t bother you, after a few minutes you can slowly begin to reduce the tension you have created. If the group members again insult you at any time, be silent and serious while again staring out the window or, if you are walking, straight ahead.
The game of immature name calling is kind of like a tennis game. In tennis, if someone hits the ball over the net to you and you refuse to hit it back, people will stop playing with you. Similarly, if someone insults you and you remain silent, often the insulter will find the game too boring to continue.
Although the style I want you to consider comes fairly easy to some, others must learn it with someone who can model the right tone and expression. Some people I worked with over the years found it hard not to put a smirk on their face after they said, “Please, enough!” Some came off as embarrassed while they carried out the technique. If you are not sure how you look while carrying out each step, observe yourself in a mirror. Also run through a role play with a couple of friends or family members and ask them if it looks right to them. Better yet, find out who directs plays at your school. Find out the director’s office hours, and go and explain what you want to learn.
I encourage you to avoid becoming discouraged if you end up botching the performance the first few times you try this during practice sessions. I’ve worked with students that at first kept cracking up throughout the process. Every one of them eventually learned to effectively utilize this technique. Five sessions, each lasting about fifteen minutes, can usually get a shy guy to put together an academy award winning performance.
There are times when those who are doing the teasing are being so cruel and relentless, that the wisest course of action is to inform authorities such as a school principal and the police. This may take courage, but keep in mind that if you remain silent, not only will you continue to be cruelly treated, but so too will others.
——————— Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Those following this blog have been reading about the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism(see 
