Cool Steve Explores The Nature Of Respect
by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD
Welcome to From Insults To Respect.
On this blog, every now and then, I present a little section from one of my three Cool Steve novels—A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, Fights In The Streets, Tears In The Sand, and Love, Sex and Respect. It is my hope each of these sections will provide an opportunity to deepen our thoughts regarding the nature of respect.
Today’s section is from Love, Sex and Respect, and presents a discussion that occurs during an evening on a Coney Island beach with insecure Jeff Star, and his fellow Lincoln High School students, Cool Steve, and Ray Wong.
“Hey, Jeff,” says Ray, “you look lost somewhere way up by that twinkling star.”
“Oh, I was just thinking about that Jiminy Cricket song, you know the one–oh it goes–‘When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires, will come true.'”
Ray and Steve smile.
Hey Ray,” I say, “if you could, by wishing for something make it come true, what do you think you’d wish for?”
“I guess… well, to see my mom again. I barely knew her when she died of cancer.”
“Seeing your mom again,” I say. “Hmmm. Okay. Steve, how about you? What would you wish for?”
“A cure for everything, peace on Earth, stuff like that I suppose.”
“Yeah, Yeah,” I say. “Let’s hear something more personal.”
“I don’t know. Well, ever since I remember, I wished I would someday be the next great Yankee centerfielder. Anyway what about you, Jeff? What do you think you’d wish for?”
“Hmmm. I remember when I first entered Lincoln I wanted to be respected. In Boody Junior High, I had made all of these enemies and I had this burning desire to turn my life around.”
“Well, your wish came true,” says Steve. I bet if you asked the average Joes or Jills at Lincoln if they respect you, they’d say, ‘Yeah. He’s okay.'”
“Maybe a little,” I say, “but I don’t think they really, really respect me.”
“If you want someone to respect you,” says Ray, “all you gotta do is treat them with respect.”
“Hmmm, maybe that’s part of it,” I say.
“What are you after, Jeff,” asks Steve, “a critical analysis of how you can be more respected then you currently are?”
“Something like that might be helpful,” I reply.
“How about complementing people from time to time?” Steve asks grinning. “I’ve noticed you rarely ever pat anyone on the back, Jeff.”
“What?! I do so! I can’t believe you just said that! I’m always complimenting people!” As these words spring from my lips, I notice anger spilling from me like lava from a volcano.
Some awkward seconds go by with my lips squeezed together and then I say: “Ya know, I came down here to try to find some peace and then you go ahead and say something like that. I went 0 for 4 in yesterday’s baseball game. I was feeling rotten, and when I was finally calming down, and now this!”
“Sorry,” says Steve.
“Ray,” I say, “don’t I compliment people?”
“Well, I’ve certainly heard you compliment people. Just a hair more compliments would be nice. I wouldn’t want you to be obsequious about it.”
“Obsequious!” cries Steve. “Man! If I would use that word with my lunch table crowd, they’d lynch me to the highest limb.”
“Well,” says Ray, “what I mean is we don’t want Jeff to end up overdoing the compliments. That would be just as bad as too little.”
“There.” says Steve, “It’s settled then. Jeff, you gotta compliment a little more, but not too much. Ray, in some settings, depending on who you’re speaking to, you might want to go easy on your highfalutin words. How about me? What do you think I can improve on?”
“Well, for one thing,” I reply, “you could learn to cut out the ridiculous criticism, especially when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You know,” says Ray, “there’s an old saying, Jeff, that if you want people to respect you for your wisdom, all you gotta do is agree with everything they tell you. Is that the kind of respect you want from us?”
“I’m not saying that!” I holler.
A seagull walking by on the sand a few yards away starts screeching, as if mocking me. I flash a glare at it. With its pointed beak, it rearranges a few feathers and then takes to flight.
I resume gazing up at the heavens. The stars are becoming more distinct. With a few deep breaths, calmness begins to settle in. Maybe there is some merit to what Steve and Ray had said. And, unlike seagulls, I would mind if Steve and Ray took to flight.
“A lot of people respect Sandy,” says Steve after a while, “because when they have something to say to her, she has a way of listening, and she seems to really care about what’s going on in your life. And she’s quick to offer to help in some way. I bet that has something to do with respect.”
“Respect,” says Ray. “You know, when I was in junior high, kids would tease me because I’m Chinese and a little different. I lost a lot of respect for them. I guess if you want people to respect you, maybe you shouldn’t tease them.”
“Well,” says Steve, “a little teasing may be okay if you do it with a twinkle in your eyes… I mean, as long as you’re prepared to back off and apologize if your teasing hits a sensitive spot.”
“Depends on the person you’re teasing,” Ray replies.
“I guess,” says Steve. “Some people are so sensitive whenever they get teased, maybe with them you’re better off not teasing them at all.”
After some reflection, Ray says, “I suppose some mature, respected people enjoy some teasing as the friendly dual of wits gets played out, but mature people have a sensitivity within them so they aren’t looking to hurt anyone in the dual. Anyway, Jeff, I agree with Steve. I think most people respect you.”
“Thanks,” I say. But as I say thanks, I begin to think maybe I have a little more I can do in this regard.
Well, that’s my post for today. I hope you find it provides a little food for thought.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
The dialogue feels very real, and it captures an important truth—that respect is built through everyday behaviors like listening, caring, and finding the right balance in how we relate to others.
It gave me a moment to reflect on my own interactions. What stood out to me is the idea that respect is not something we can demand, but something that grows from how we treat others—with genuine listening, care, and balance.
It also reminds me that even small adjustments in daily interactions can make a meaningful difference. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Linwei,
Your comment is a treasure, it so beautifully captures the heart of what I attempted to express in story form. Super thanks,
Jeff