Tag: respect

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Recently, I put up a post on this blog titled “RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.”  Here are a description of them:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After describing the four levels, I ended the post with the question, “Is there a higher level than level four?”  Today I shall propose a level five:

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

To better understand level five, let’s take a look at a parable:

The Parable of Mr. Rodriguez

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next month they are going on a field trip to a museum.  His class begins to criticize the trip. 

“Whenever we go on field trips we always go to boring places,” says Nick.

“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field trip?” says Jody.

“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks Mr. Rodriguez.

“We should go to an amusement park instead!” says one girl.

“I think we should see a new movie at the mall,” says a boy. 

Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first, he says to himself, “The principal will never go along with letting the students pick a place to go on a field trip.”  But then he tries to come up with a way to steer in the direction of the students’ criticism. 

He comes up with an idea.  “Field trips are for learning,” he tells the class.  “I understand that you want to have some say as to what field trip we go on.  What if I ask the principal to select three field trips she would be willing to approve, and then I ask you to choose one from the three she comes up with—would that be better?”

“Yes!” they reply.

When Mr. Rodriguez asks the principal, she declares that this is a great idea.  Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to his class, he says,

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

“Remember yesterday I said we were going to the museum?”

“Yeah,” says Nick.  “A field trip to the museum again!  That’s boring!”

“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “the principle says we can choose between the museum, the zoo, or the botanical gardens?”   

The students end up choosing the zoo.  Mr. Rodriguez is delighted with this because the principal had him going, every year, for the last ten years, to the museum and he has grown tired of it.  He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his students feel better having been given a choice. 

What We Can Learn From this Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his class’s criticism is an example of a level 5 response.  Although he didn’t completely agree with the students’ criticism, instead of completely rejecting it, he steered in the direction of the criticism.  That is, he took the students’ ideas about their choosing the place to go on the field trip, and used it in such a way that both he and the students ended up feeling better off with the end result.

It takes a bit of creativity to come up with these types of steering plans.  For those who regularly follow this blog, in coming weeks from time to time you will be provided fun activities to practice this skill and you will find yourself getting better and better at it.

Assignment: Suppose you are a Yankees baseball fan and your friend criticizes you for rooting for them by saying, “I can’t believe you root for them. You just like them because they always win, and the only reason they always win is because they have a ton of money being in the biggest market.” Also suppose you disagree with your friend for two reason, 1. you do not root for them because they always win, but because you grew up in New York and the Yankees were the home team, and 2. the Yankees don’t always win. Review the level 5 description and see if you can come up with a response that is a good match with it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

The last few blog posts have been devoted to encouraging readers to take a little time to stop and think about criticism.

In the most recent post, we took a look at four levels of responding to criticism.  Level one is viewed as the least mature response, and each higher level is viewed as more and more mature.  Let’s take another look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 
Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

As I mentioned in my last blog, one reason to consider learning to respond to criticism in a way that matches level four is because people are likely to end up liking and respecting you more.  But we might not want to choose to act in a particular way merely for this type of reason.  Just because others think a particular type of action is “cool” might be an insufficient reason as you look within yourself to see what feels right to you.  For example, if most of the students at school are tormenting and bullying a new student, you might decide that this just doesn’t feel right, and you may therefore refuse to join in.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

One way that people decide if something feels right or wrong is to use the golden rule—Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. 

If you criticize someone, how would you want that person to respond to your criticism?  Would you want the person to start yelling at you and calling you insulting names?  Or would you want the person to listen in a caring, supportive way?

new-jack

If the level four description is how you would want others to treat you, perhaps that’s a good reason why you might want to learn to respond to criticism in a similar way.

Assignment: Imagine someone has just criticized your taste in music. See if you can compose a level 4 response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete.  As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you.  You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.”  Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Do you think you would like Pete?  Would you respect Pete for acting this way?  Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways.  Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism.  This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism.  I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.  Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town).  Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature?  Is there a higher level than the level 4 description?  In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism?  What do we really mean by different levels of maturity?  We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution

Summarize and Delay

Please consider the following parable:

PARABLE OF KATE AND HER BOSS

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Kate’s boss, Nelson, left for a week vacation in the Bahamas during a particularly busy time.  When Nelson returned, he started to insult Kate because she and the rest of her team did not complete all that he had expected.  Nelson’s tone of voice began to infuriate Kate.

Rather than exploding, she had a well-rehearsed plan that she enacted.  She managed to keep the expression on her face looking concerned about what her boss had to say.  digShe recalled the word DIG which reminded her to dig to look for her boss’s desire, what happened that interfered with his desire, and what he thinks she is guilty of doing wrong. 

When Nelson finished yelling, Kate replied, “You’re the boss, Nelson. It’s clear to me that it is your desire that we had accomplish more work while you were gone and this didn’t get done. You feel that we are guilty of letting you down.  You deserve a thorough reply.  After I discuss your concerns with the rest of my team and I have a few days to think this through, I’ll get back to you.”

“I want an answer now!” Nelson demanded.

“Sure boss, here’s the best answer I can offer you now—I don’t have a good answer now. I’m sorry I’m not ready with any helpful answer just yet.  I will be ready to move this discussion forward within a week.”  She then looked into Nelson’s eyes and said gently, “Please give me a little time.” 

Nelson frowned, and then hollered, “I better have an answer in a week or else!”

“Thanks, Nelson,” Kate replied. “I’m sorry you are disappointed in us.”  Then she left.

Kate managed to calm down in a few hours. Then she began to confer with all involved. 

Throughout the week, Kate and Nelson worked together on many other issues that required some attention, but both stayed clear of the topic that led to Nelson’s angry outburst.

During the week, Kate spent some time discussing what had happened with some people that she particularly respected.  By the time she again discussed her boss’s concern with him, she was much better prepared than if she discussed it with him when he first brought it up.

PARABLE DISCUSSION

For Kate to express her anger at her boss while both she and her boss are frustrated could potentially silence him.  It might also get her fired or decrease the chances of a promotion.  By remaining polite, while also being firm, she demonstrates a respectful professional tone and buys herself time to consider the best way to respond to her boss in a more reasonable manner.  It also gives her boss some time to calm down.  In a few days he might even apologize on his own for shouting at her.

dig2If a friend insults you, using the same plan can oftentimes be very helpful.  Respectfully summarize the conflict using the DIG format (see March 8, 2012 blog post) and then set a time in a few days into the future to discuss it.  Giving yourself a few days allows both of you to calm your frustrations and to confer with anyone else involved as well as people that you particularly respect.  When you do return to your friend, you will be able to handle the conflict with far greater wisdom than if you try to resolve it without giving yourself some time for reflection.

This plan, to be done in a way that will increase how much respect others will have for you, requires practice.  In my next blog post, I will discuss how to rehearse this plan so that you can carry it out even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Summarize a conflict you had with another person. Try to describe it in terms of what you desired, what interfered with your desire, and whether or not you felt the other person in the conflict was guilty of doing something wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence stress

DIG for the Conflict

To become a master at dealing with disrespectful acts, an important skill to learn is to identify the reason you are being treated this way.  In future blogs, I will discuss a total of eight reasons.  Today we’ll focus just on one of them.

Oftentimes the reason for the insulting behavior is that the insulter has a conflict with you. If you can quickly identify the conflict in very simple, clear terms, you will help both you and the other party to resolve the underlying cause for the disrespectful behavior.  Therefore, today’s blog post begins to teach you how to do this.  First, I’ll clarify what we mean when we use the word “conflict.”  Then I’ll teach you a simple strategy to summarize a conflict as you deal with disrespectful behavior.

WHAT IS A CONFLICT

dig2When I look to see if someone has a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what the person DESIRES in this situation, what is INTERFERING with the person’s desire, and whether or not the person believes someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

USING DIG TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR

Suppose I suggest to Judy that she should consider quitting her highly stressful job, and she responds as follows:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Feeling that the way Judy yelled at me is insulting, I could yell back at her that she is stupid.  Would that help to resolve the conflict or make it more intense?

Consider another approach.  I respond to Judy in a very concerned way, saying “Wow, you really got upset about what I said.  Are you OK?”

digThen, I listened in a caring manner to Judy’s reply, and summarize what she has said, thus reassuring her that I had listened. I then look to see if she has a conflict with me. I do this by remembering the word “DIG.” That reminds me to look for Judy’s DESIRE, what she might think I did to INTERFERE with her desire, and what she thinks I am GUILTY of doing wrong.

Now, from Judy’s reply to me, I might not know for sure what the desire, the interfering act, or the guilt is in the conflict. So, I would ask her some questions to clarify what she wants/desires me to do differently in the future. I might ask, for example, “Judy, from what you said, I think you desire from me that I don’t give you my opinion unless you ask for it. Is that right?”

Let’s say she responds, “No, that’s not it. I think your idea that I should quit my job makes no sense. How will I pay my bills?”

Now, I have a clearer idea about her concern. However, I might not be sure why my giving her my opinion about her quitting her job would interfere with whatever she wants to do, so I could ask her in a caring manner a question or two to clarify this.

Finally, because Judy became angry with my suggestion, it seems that she thinks I am guilty of doing something wrong. So I might gently ask her about this, with the goal of avoiding, if at all possible, doing again what she thinks I was guilty of doing.

Now, it is certainly possible to have a desire-interference problem in which neither party is viewed as guilty for doing anything wrong. For example, let us suppose that after working for a few years I desire to become a nurse. I realize interfering with fulfilling my desire is, I don’t have the credentials to become a nurse. I don’t blame myself for this, but I still have to figure out how to earn the necessary credentials.

This is just a brief introduction to the DIG approach. We’ll be going over some more specifics of how to use the DIG model in future posts. For example, some of the questioning that we use to clarify what are the desire, the interference, and the guilt components of the conflict might be better persued when the angry person has had some time to calm down. But for now, I’ll just point out that when you get skilled at this model, you would show a genuine interest in people who become upset with you and that you care enough about them to try to clarify what the issues are.

There is far more to resolving a conflict than clearly identifying the conflict. In future posts, step by step, we will be learning techniques for doing so. But showing an interest in why someone is upset and clarifying the nature of the conflict are important first steps.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that describes a conflict that you had with someone. In your description, identify each of the elements of the DIG Conflict Model, that is, the desire, the interfering act, and the perceived guilt.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum free stress management curriculum social intelligence

Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

As we interact with others, sometimes we find someone treating us disrespectfully. For example, someone might shout at us words like, “You’re a jerk!” or “You’re a piece of trash!”

It’s no secret that when we are treated disrespectfully, we may have feelings of anguish and be moved to tears. Or we may explode in anger. To deal with these rough feelings it often helps to keep the following in mind:

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

We have all experienced name calling, insults and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and every member of your favorite band.  If someone insults you, calls you names, or teases you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.

Although being treated disrespectfully does not mean that you are a bad person, skillful handling of these types of situations can have an enormous influence on how much you are liked and respected by others, and how you regard yourself as a person.  This blog, From Insults to Respect, is designed to help you to learn to handle these challenges, along with other challenging situations. And it provides, through comments and replies, an opportunity for me to learn from all of you.

To use this blog as a free psychological/social intelligence curriculum, after reading this introduction lesson, whenever you are ready to move on to the next lesson, all you have to do is scroll down past the last paragraph of the post and on the right you will see the title of the next post and then double arrows pointing to the right. If you click on the double arrows, it will take you to the very next post, which is the next lesson. After that lesson, you can again go to the very next lesson in the curriculum by clicking on the double arrows which appears in a similar place at the bottom right of each lesson, and so on. In this way, you can go systematically through each lesson at your own pace.

As you go through each lesson, there is a comment box at the bottom of each lesson, and there you can ask questions, or join others in making comments. Although I can’t promise to respond to every question or comment, I will do my very best.

So, please give at least the first few lessons a chance to see if they can help you to develop some enormously helpful skills,

My Best,
Dr. Jeffrey Rubin