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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT

In my last post I discussed the YouTube video, “Making the Bus Monitor Cry.”  Let’s continue the discussion.

Why did these boys continue to say and do such hurtful things for over ten minutes?  Was it because they hoped their actions would encourage the monitor to make some improvements in her life?  This seems doubtful because their actions plainly demonstrated that they had absolutely no desire to help this woman.  Was it because they were playfully teasing her?  This is a bit more likely.  Immature people, because of their lack of empathy, may come to believe that to be successful at this game you must seek to make a person feel as rotten as you can.

These two reasons for criticizing someone—the desire to encourage improvement and playful teasing—were discussed in my last post.  Today I’d like to discuss what I believe is a more likely reason why these boys acted the way they did.

The Desire to Form a Bond with a Group by Putting Down Non-group Members

Many people have a desire to join together in a common cause.  That’s one big reason why playing games like baseball can be so much fun.  Hit a homer, or even a ground ball that brings in the winning run, and your group is patting you one the back and the fans are cheering.  When immature people express this desire, because of their lack of empathy, they can join together with others to humiliate a minority or one or more individuals who are viewed as too powerless to defend themselves.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Sometimes we see this sort of behavior occur when a new girl starts a new school.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the bus monitor situation that we saw in the viral YouTube video, there was just one bus monitor and several boys who began to criticize her weight and to seek to humiliate her in a host of other ways.  This sure looks like a classic situation in which a group of immature individuals sought to band together in a common cause.

When someone faces these types of difficult situations, what is a respectable way to respond?  No single blog post can fully answer this question, but I would like to throw out some ideas for your consideration.  Let’s begin with a parable.

The Parable of Jason and Ron

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

As we look at the pictures of this parable, let me add some details.  When Jason says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ron,” he looks squarely into Ron’s eyes.  Then he gives Ron a slight nod of his head and goes on his way.  Throughout the interaction between Jason and Ron, Jason remains friendly, while at the same time, self-assured.

When I was in school, one day I noticed a boy handle a similar situation like Jason.  The other students seemed to respect how the boy handled the teasing.  So I began to rehearse this style in front of a mirror over the course of a few days.  The next time one of the older students teased me, I gave it a try.  It ended up working just fine.

Now I understand that the bus monitor in the video was under a contract agreement that she could not just give a nod to the four boys and then walk away.  And so, what might she have done that was better than her approach?  Here’s one possibility.

She could have looked each of the boys in their eyes and made it clear that she understood what the boys had said–“You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t like what I look like.  I’ve heard you out.  Now you’re seeking to torment me.  If I see  you doing anymore tormenting, to me or to anyone else on the bus, we’ll discuss it together with the principal and you’re parents.”

If the boys did continue to seek to humiliate her, she could follow through by strongly advocating that each of the boys that were involved indeed have a meeting with their parents and principal.  There should be a separate meeting for each boy.  The boy who is being discussed should be included, but not the other boys who were involved.  Without the presence of those who cheered him on, each boy would be better able to look more squarely at the concerns of all present at the meeting.

It could be very helpful to include at each of these meetings some mature adult who has formed a close relationship with the teenager under discussion.  Oftentimes a coach, art teacher, or another adult who the teenager has come to respect, can powerfully make the point that forming bonds with others by playing the game of humiliating is just plain wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry playful teasing psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE

Those following this blog have been reading about the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism(see May 13th post and May 27th post).  How well did Karen Klein, the 68-year-old grandmother who many of us witnessed in a YouTube video, do?  There, during a 10 minute episode, middle school students hurl a barrage of criticism at her.  One asks for her address because he says he wants to go urinate on her door.  Another tells her that she doesn’t have a family because “they all killed themselves because they didn’t want to be near you.”

WOW!  These are pretty cold things to say!

Some of the boys went beyond words, poking her as soon as her sight was directed away from them.  One boy reached over and poked her on the side of her breast.

Such behavior goes well beyond criticism and enters the realm of abuse.

Karen Klein responded with periods of trying to ignore the responses and tearfulness.  After the episode was over, she was questioned by authorities and media and she came across to me as a sweet lady who went through a very uncomfortable experience.

If we were to try to use the five levels of maturity to determine if Karen Klein’s response to criticism was mature or immature, this would be rather unfair.  Yes, her crying and efforts to ignore the criticism are viewed, according to the five levels, as among the more immature responses.  But the five levels of responding to criticism are designed to describe the levels of maturity for handling just one type of criticism—criticism that is intended to help the person being criticized to improve in some way.  It is quite clear from the ten minute YouTube video that the criticisms that the middle school students were bombarding Ms. Klein were NOT intended for this purpose.

By following this blog, you will come to identify eight different reasons why people criticize others.  Once you can quickly identify the reason for the criticism, you will be in a much better position to come up with a mature way to respond to the criticism.  For example, in addition to the type of criticism that is intended to encourage a person to improve, there is a type of criticism used to play a game we will call “playful teasing.”

Playful Teasing

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, and trash talk.  You are judged in part on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  Their empathy helps them to realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Less mature people, partly because of their lower levels of empathy, may think that the more awful they can make someone feel during this game, the better they are at it.  When the criticizers have themselves been humiliated by other immature people, they may come to be even more motivated to humiliate others as a way to take out their own pain on others.

If you find that you are being criticized and it doesn’t seem to be motivated by a desire to get you to improve, and you’re not sure what else may be the reason, my advice is to first theorize that it’s just some playful teasing.  If the criticism is provided with a smile, or by someone you know who likes to tease in a friendly way, you can be pretty sure that it is just for fun.  Then, if you reply with a smile and a comment such as, “That’s a good one,” it shows that you can take a little teasing without getting defensive.  If you want to take the game a little further, you can throw a friendly insult right back, like “Same to you, fellow.”  When you’ve had enough of the game, smiling and giving the other player a pat on the back can be a good way to draw the game to an end.

Sometimes you are not sure if playful teasing is the name of the game.  Then you have to be careful about throwing insults back at the insulter.  If it turns out that the criticizer’s comments are not meant to be playful teasing, throwing back insults might make the situation worse.  Here are some ideas that permit you to play along while providing you time to figure out what’s really going on.

After the first insult, consider responding in a kidding around way by crying, “OH YEAH!?”  As you do this, pretend, in an obviously joking around way, that you have become defensive at the insulter’s comment.  But then follow up your fake outrage with a broad smile.  This shows that you can play along with the insult while, at the same time, you can take a joke.

If the insulter again insults you in a manner that still leaves you uncertain if the person is just teasing, consider saying the following.  “It looks like you have some more missiles to send my way.  Okay, hit me with your best shots.  I already know that you think my nose is too big and my mother is a fool, so there’s no need to bother with those.  Go ahead.  I can take it.”

Then, if the insults continue, cry out…

Illustration by Eric Sailer

All of this allows you to continue to play along without throwing insults back at a criticizer who may not be playing the teasing game.  By the time you fall to your knees, if you still aren’t clear about what is going on, get back up and try saying in a concerned, caring way, “Listen, at first I thought you were joking around.  Now I’m not so sure.  Is everything okay?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down the list of other desires that motivate criticism.  We will be reviewing these in coming weeks.

If you find that the person, or the group of people teasing you are playing the game of teasing in the immature manner—that is, just trying to make you feel as awful as possible—what can you do?   I suggest that you just give a quick nod at the comment and then get as far away as possible.  Then do your best to stay away from such  people.

Now, I certainly realize it is not always easy to avoid a person or a group.  Students or bus monitors who ride the school bus are pretty much forced to be confined with a certain set of students for a period of time a couple of times each day.  Or the group you want to avoid might be in your classes.  As you leave the class you might be stuck walking down the hall with the criticizers.  In such cases, when you feel that you have reached your limit of dealing with the put downs, sometimes the following approach is worth a try.

To begin, this approach only requires that you learn to say two words—Please, enough.  That’s the easy part.  For some, learning how to say these words is the hard part of this strategy.

To use this technique, after two or three insults, say, in a very serious way, rather softly, but loud enough to be clearly heard, “Please.”  Then pause for about three seconds while looking firmly into the eyes of each person who has been teasing you.  Than say, “e” using the long “e” sound.  Then, after another second, say, “nough!”  When you look into the eyes of each of the name callers, you are NOT to glare at them in a threatening manner, with your eyebrows pressed to the middle of your forehead.  Rather, you are seeking to be firm and very, very, serious.

If immediately after you finish saying this, somebody begins to insult you again, repeat the same words in a similar manner, but this time say it distinctly louder, though just short of shouting.  At this point you are seeking to communicate that dire consequences are at hand.  You must be firm and look squarely into the eyes of each insulter once again.  Then you are to remain very serious while staring either out the school bus’s window or straight ahead where you are walking, but not at any one of the criticizers.  You are to remain silent, without talking to anyone, for the remainder of the period you are stuck together, looking the whole time like you are through fooling around and enough is enough!

When the end of the time period that you are stuck together comes, immediately take your stuff and hurry away from the group continuing to look like you are very much annoyed.

The next time you see them, again, turn very serious and silent.  If the group members don’t bother you, after a few minutes you can slowly begin to reduce the tension you have created.  If the group members again insult you at any time, be silent and serious while again staring out the window or, if you are walking, straight ahead.

The game of immature name calling is kind of like a tennis game.  In tennis, if someone hits the ball over the net to you and you refuse to hit it back, people will stop playing with you.  Similarly, if someone insults you and you remain silent, often the insulter will find the game too boring to continue.

Although the style I want you to consider comes fairly easy to some, others must learn it with someone who can model the right tone and expression.  Some people I worked with over the years found it hard not to put a smirk on their face after they said, “Please, enough!”  Some came off as embarrassed while they carried out the technique.  If you are not sure how you look while carrying out each step, observe yourself in a mirror.  Also run through a role play with a couple of friends or family members and ask them if it looks right to them.  Better yet, find out who directs plays at your school.  Find out the director’s office hours, and go and explain what you want to learn.

I encourage you to avoid becoming discouraged if you end up botching the performance the first few times you try this during practice sessions.  I’ve worked with students that at first kept cracking up throughout the process.  Every one of them eventually learned to effectively utilize this technique.  Five sessions, each lasting about fifteen minutes, can usually get a shy guy to put together an academy award winning performance.

There are times when those who are doing the teasing are being so cruel and relentless, that the wisest course of action is to inform authorities such as a school principal and the police.  This may take courage, but keep in mind that if you remain silent, not only will you continue to be cruelly treated, but so too will others.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY: WHAT IS IT?

In this blog, from time to time I have said that some responses to criticism are more mature than others.  To refer to maturity without being clear about what it means can lead to confusion. So, today, I clarify what I meant by this. To do so, please consider the following comic strip.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

When Andy says that Marsha is acting immature, it is possible that he means nothing more than that he doesn’t like the way she is acting.  His pronouncement may be nothing more than his value judgment.

In contrast, sometimes when the term is used there is a vague idea that there are different developmental levels of maturity, and the person said to be immature is thought to have not reached a more optimal level according to the person doing the judging.  Sometimes the person who calls the other person immature is somewhat older then the person being criticized.  Older people sometimes believe that they have the authority to decide when a younger person is being immature—that is, the mere fact that they are older gives them the authority to pronounce this type of judgment.  Younger people, especially as they move out of childhood and enter into their teenage years, aren’t always convinced that such authority is legitimate.

People studying the body often talk about maturity as it relates to bodily changes.  Thus, as children mature they grow taller, and as they mature more, men oftentimes grow facial hair, their voices deepen, etc.  When I talk about immaturity and maturity, I am not referring to bodily changes.  Nor am I attempting to offer only my value judgment, though the reader, I believe, would be wise to be on guard against anyone making such a claim.  As the brilliant physicist and professor, Niels Bohr, used to say, “Every sentence that I utter should be regarded by you not as an assertion but as a question.”

When I say a behavior is more mature than another, I mean it is “better” in the long run, it considers more variables, and represents more comprehensive cognitive problem solving.  Individuals who tend to act at higher levels of psychological maturity can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, and yet to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments.

Such a description of maturity, in a general sort of way, can be valuable to envision as a general goal.  Nevertheless, you will find that I will never just rely on this general description whenever I urge you to respond in a more mature manner.  Instead, I will provide more specific descriptions of the actions that are necessary to achieve specific goals.  For example, I recently provided very specific sets of responses that describe five different maturity levels of responding to criticism (see HERE and HERE).  Soon, I will provide specific descriptions of how people at different levels of maturity provide criticism to others.  Other aspects of psychological maturity will become evident in time.

So, there you have it—my view of psychological maturity.  I hope you will reflect on this, feel free to suggest improvements, and decide for yourself if the term can be useful.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

The Parable of Ed and Lori

Ed has been dating Lori for a little over a month. One day he invites her to have dinner at his favorite restaurant.

“Ed,” she replies with a smile, “I’d like to pick the restaurant this time. You picked last time.”

Ed thinks to himself that the one time he agreed to Lori picking the restaurant, she picked spicy Indian food that upset his stomach.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Ever since, he has been reluctant to give Lori any say where they go.  But, because he has been following this blog, Ed recognizes that Lori’s request contained a note of criticism.

Having had trouble maintaining lasting relationships with women because of the way he has been handling criticism, Ed has begun to work on making some improvements.  Using what he learned on this blog’s two recent posts (see Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity and Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level) he has rehearsed in his mind not getting defensive whenever he is criticized and, instead, responding at the most mature level.  Ed realizes this is an excellent opportunity to try out some of what he has been practicing.

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

First, Ed shows Lori that he has really listened to what she had to say by taking a few seconds to think about what she has said.  Then, he summarizes her position by using the DIG conflict model.  The word DIG reminds him to look for Lori’s DESIRE, what she views as INTERFERING with her desire, and what she thinks he is GUILTY of doing wrong. This leads him to summarize her position as follows:

“Lori, I think I understand how you feel.  You desire that we take turns picking the restaurants that we go to.  I’ve been interfering with this because ever since you picked the Indian restaurant I’ve been insisting on choosing where we go.  You feel that I’m guilty of being unfair.  Is that right?”

“Yes,” says Lori. “Well said.”

Ed now checks his level of frustration.  He knows that if it is high he would be wise to tell Lori he wants to take a few days to think over what she has said.  But he finds that he is pretty calm and Lori doesn’t look like she’s about to freak out either.  So, after a little more thought, Ed gets ready to disagree with Lori without being disagreeable.  But he first pauses to see if he can come up with a way to steer in her direction.  Suddenly an idea comes to him.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says with a smile, “see if you’re willing to give this a try.  Every other time we go out why don’t you come up with three places that you’d like to go?  Then I’ll try to pick one of them.  Then, when it’s my turn to pick, I’ll let you know three places I’d like to go, and if you like any of them, you can choose from those three.  Surely we can come up with a place we both like if we do it like this. It’ll be fun.”

“What if I don’t like any of the three you pick?” Lori asks.

“I’ll come up with another three that you can pick from,” Ed responds.

“OK,” says Lori.

Why does learning to steer in the direction of someone’s criticism tend to enhance your reputation?

In focus groups that discussed the above parable, people felt that if Ed insisted on choosing the restaurant without giving Lori some say, he would come across as rigid, bossy and a jerk.  By offering to give some choices to Lori, Ed would come across as more flexible, reasonable and likable.

To understand why people have this reaction, it will be valuable to contrast what it feels like when we feel like pawns and origins.  

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating what is happening and how I wish to act. Such a feeling is called, “feeling like an origin.”

People who perceive themselves powerless often experience alienation or reactance against those perceived as inflexible. They become angrier and angrier, and eventually a number of negative things happen to the relationship. Learning to steer prevents these negative things from happening.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Recently, I put up a post on this blog titled “RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.”  Here are a description of them:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After describing the four levels, I ended the post with the question, “Is there a higher level than level four?”  Today I shall propose a level five:

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

To better understand level five, let’s take a look at a parable:

The Parable of Mr. Rodriguez

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next month they are going on a field trip to a museum.  His class begins to criticize the trip. 

“Whenever we go on field trips we always go to boring places,” says Nick.

“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field trip?” says Jody.

“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks Mr. Rodriguez.

“We should go to an amusement park instead!” says one girl.

“I think we should see a new movie at the mall,” says a boy. 

Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first, he says to himself, “The principal will never go along with letting the students pick a place to go on a field trip.”  But then he tries to come up with a way to steer in the direction of the students’ criticism. 

He comes up with an idea.  “Field trips are for learning,” he tells the class.  “I understand that you want to have some say as to what field trip we go on.  What if I ask the principal to select three field trips she would be willing to approve, and then I ask you to choose one from the three she comes up with—would that be better?”

“Yes!” they reply.

When Mr. Rodriguez asks the principal, she declares that this is a great idea.  Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to his class, he says,

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

“Remember yesterday I said we were going to the museum?”

“Yeah,” says Nick.  “A field trip to the museum again!  That’s boring!”

“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “the principle says we can choose between the museum, the zoo, or the botanical gardens?”   

The students end up choosing the zoo.  Mr. Rodriguez is delighted with this because the principal had him going, every year, for the last ten years, to the museum and he has grown tired of it.  He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his students feel better having been given a choice. 

What We Can Learn From this Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his class’s criticism is an example of a level 5 response.  Although he didn’t completely agree with the students’ criticism, instead of completely rejecting it, he steered in the direction of the criticism.  That is, he took the students’ ideas about their choosing the place to go on the field trip, and used it in such a way that both he and the students ended up feeling better off with the end result.

It takes a bit of creativity to come up with these types of steering plans.  For those who regularly follow this blog, in coming weeks from time to time you will be provided fun activities to practice this skill and you will find yourself getting better and better at it.

Assignment: Suppose you are a Yankees baseball fan and your friend criticizes you for rooting for them by saying, “I can’t believe you root for them. You just like them because they always win, and the only reason they always win is because they have a ton of money being in the biggest market.” Also suppose you disagree with your friend for two reason, 1. you do not root for them because they always win, but because you grew up in New York and the Yankees were the home team, and 2. the Yankees don’t always win. Review the level 5 description and see if you can come up with a response that is a good match with it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

The last few blog posts have been devoted to encouraging readers to take a little time to stop and think about criticism.

In the most recent post, we took a look at four levels of responding to criticism.  Level one is viewed as the least mature response, and each higher level is viewed as more and more mature.  Let’s take another look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 
Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

As I mentioned in my last blog, one reason to consider learning to respond to criticism in a way that matches level four is because people are likely to end up liking and respecting you more.  But we might not want to choose to act in a particular way merely for this type of reason.  Just because others think a particular type of action is “cool” might be an insufficient reason as you look within yourself to see what feels right to you.  For example, if most of the students at school are tormenting and bullying a new student, you might decide that this just doesn’t feel right, and you may therefore refuse to join in.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

One way that people decide if something feels right or wrong is to use the golden rule—Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. 

If you criticize someone, how would you want that person to respond to your criticism?  Would you want the person to start yelling at you and calling you insulting names?  Or would you want the person to listen in a caring, supportive way?

new-jack

If the level four description is how you would want others to treat you, perhaps that’s a good reason why you might want to learn to respond to criticism in a similar way.

Assignment: Imagine someone has just criticized your taste in music. See if you can compose a level 4 response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete.  As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you.  You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.”  Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Do you think you would like Pete?  Would you respect Pete for acting this way?  Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways.  Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism.  This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism.  I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.  Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town).  Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature?  Is there a higher level than the level 4 description?  In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism?  What do we really mean by different levels of maturity?  We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution

WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

In the last couple of blog posts, I have been trying to make the case that if we are to become wise we will learn to thank people whenever they criticize us, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice because criticism has the potential to make us wiser (see post titled Criticism and Wisdom). If this is so, why do so many of us feel insulted when we hear someone providing criticism to us?  Today we will discuss three reasons for this and why it is important to come to understand them.

The Style that Criticism has been Provided to us in the Past

One reason is that when we think about the times criticism was provided to us, something that struck us as mean occurred at the same time.

Perhaps Ed recalls how, when he was young some bullies would shove and slug him while at the same time criticizing his glasses.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Perhaps Ed recalls how his mom, whenever she criticized him, yelled, called him names, threatened him, and smacked him on his rear end.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

If such negative actions have been paired with criticism often enough, criticism does become associated with uncomfortable feelings.  The feelings and the criticism blend together.

But even if these negative actions were not part of your personal experiences, you may still find yourself feeling insulted and experiencing defensiveness whenever you are criticized.  There are two reasons for this—we have an inherent desire to be liked and to maintain freedom.

Being Liked and Criticism

being likedIt is no secret we desire to be liked.  People don’t only desire to be liked, they desire that their clothes, their appearance and their actions are liked as well.  When people provide negative criticism to us they are telling us there is something about us they don’t like.

Because the vast majority of people have the desire to be liked, it has led some to put forth the theory that in ancient days people who were not liked were banished from the tribe. Those who were banished were less likely to survive in the wild on their own and therefor were less likely to pass on their genes to the next generation.  In contrast, those who were concerned about being liked and therefore worked hard to find ways to become liked were less likely to be banished from the tribe and therefore were more likely to survive.  Thus, the desire to be liked became more likely to occur in the human species.

Maintaining Your Freedom and Criticism

freedomPeople desire to be free to make their own decisions.  When people criticize us, it suggests that they desire that we make some change.  Oftentimes a criticism is provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will.

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do.  I’ll do whatever I want and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.”  This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.  In the conflict resolution literature the feelings and actions that come along with the desire to resist a loss of freedom is often referred to as “reactance.”

Why Bother to Learn the Reasons Criticism is so Hard to Bear

Learning that criticism is a path toward wisdom prods us to seek ways to hear criticism without becoming defensive and to design our criticism of others in a manner that will lessen the likelihood that they will become defensive.  The first step toward this goal is to understand the reasons why criticism is often very difficult for us.

sadnessOne reason we become defensive upon hearing criticism is because the way we were provided criticism in the past struck us as mean.  Understanding this can prompt us to start thinking about how we can negotiate ways to be provided criticism in a more comfortable manner.  Moreover, it can help us to design our criticism of others in a manner that will be better received.

To become aware that when people are criticized their desire to be liked and to maintain their freedom may become threatened can also be very helpful.  There are styles of providing criticism that lesson defensiveness.  Moreover, as we receive criticism, there are styles of thinking and responding that will lead to enhancing our reputation and to protect our freedom.  In next week’s blog post we will delve further into these issues.

ASSIGNMENT: Recall a time someone angrily criticized you. How did you feel, and what did you reply? Now that you have read this post, see if you can come up with a better reply then the one you used. If you can, describe why you think it would be better.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

CRITICISM AND WISDOM

John Stewart Mill

In my last blog post we began to take up the question, “Is criticism bad?”  There, we concluded with a King Solomon proverb that declares that if you criticize the wise man he will love you and become even wiser.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Now I understand that for many people the idea of criticism is joined with the way criticism has been presented to them over the years.  For many, criticism has come along with shouting, name calling, threats, punishment, a slap in the face, or even worse. It is therefore understandable that for many the whole idea of criticism includes such actions and how they feel when they meet up with such actions.  This blog will soon be addressing the various actions and feelings that too often show up alongside criticism and what can be done about them.  But, for today, let’s see if we can look at criticism without these complicating issues.

John Stuart Mill wrote back in 1859, a brilliant little book titled On Liberty.  There he declares, like the Solomon proverb, that there is great value that comes from criticism.

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…”  Mr. Mill does not merely declare that this is so; he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position.  For example:

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so?  Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct.  Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious.  Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.  No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner.  The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it:  for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

I suggest printing these words of Mr. Mill out and sticking the printout on your refrigerator door.  Let this be an aid to remind you to reread Mill’s words three or four times over the course of the following week. Deepening your understanding of the principles that exist in these words is an essential step toward learning how to foster respect within yourself, and from others.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

Illustration by Eric Sailer

The metaphor of a sea can give us an intuitive sense of how conflict and anger are related.

Anger is like a region on the Great Sea of Conflict that can be very dangerous.  When a master sailor finds she is in the region of anger and a storm begins to develop, she has already prepared herself.   She has practiced some very specific skills when it was relatively safe.  She knew beforehand that she didn’t want to first start to figure out what to do when she finds herself in a crisis situation.   During a crisis it is hard to think clearly and there might not be enough time to figure out the most promising strategy.

Now, in real life, many people don’t see any need to practice some skills when they are in a calm state so that they can better deal with anger storms.  Here’s a little story that helps to explain why people neglect to do this.

PARABLE OF CARL AND MARIE

Carl has grown to like Marie quite a lot.  But on Tuesday, Carl expresses his opinion on a subject and Marie becomes angry and starts to yell at him while calling him names.  Although Carl listens quietly and then tells Marie that he appreciates her concerns, inwardly he doesn’t like the way she handled her disagreement with him.  Carl never shows Marie that how she has acted has turned him off. 

From Marie’s perspective, she likes the way she stood up for what she believes in and admires the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone.  Moreover, from what she observed from Carl’s reaction, she thinks everything is just fine.  She sees no reason why, when she became angry at Carl, she would have been better off respectfully summarizing his position and then, noticing the angry storm blowing up within her mind, putting off her comments till she had some time to calmly think them over.

A few days later, Carl thinks about who he should ask out next Saturday night…

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

PARABLE DISCUSSION

When Marie does not get asked out on Saturday night by a guy she really, really likes, she may not come to realize that her display of anger was the cause.

Many people don’t show others how they feel when someone begins to express their anger by yelling and name calling.  Therefore, many people never come to realize fully that the way they express their anger can lead to people losing respect for them.  This loss of respect can lead to losing friends, employment and promotions.  Since many people just don’t see the negative reaction to how they angrily respond, the idea that they should learn to react differently seems wrong, and even unnatural.

But consider what happens when human beings have to go poop.  When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere.  No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy.  Most of us have learned that we can learn to wait a bit until we get to a more private place to do this type of business.  No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger.  To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

timeout2We take timeouts in many sports for three reasons.  We want to take some time to catch our breath, to think about what has just been happening, and to formulate a plan to go forward.  The wise use of timeouts can greatly increase the chance for winning.  It is for the same reasons why we wisely call timeouts in an anger arousing situation.

timeoutIn different sports, time outs are called in a very specific manner.  In one, a flag might be thrown down.  In another, a coach has to make a letter “T” with his or her hands.  Those who are in charge of calling for timeouts in a specific sport must be well practiced in how to do this so that they can do so at just the right moment.  It is similar with learning how and when to call time out when you become angry.

Here’s an approach for this type of calling timeout that I would like you to consider.

timeout3When you see that you are becoming angry, or the other party is, make a statement in a warm friendly manner indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further.  Then, let the other person have the last words while you listen in a caring way.

We’ll be discussing the benefits of using this approach in future posts and also how to practice this skill so that you can employ it even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that relates what you have just read to something that personally happened to you. Include not just what happened, but also how you were feeling while it was happening.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.