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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING THE SCHOOL’S RESPONSE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

As each school year begins I like to once again post this discussion of how I would rate a school district’s handling of an incident in which a bus monitor was taunted by some middle school children during their bus ride home.

Now, to be fair to the school district, I hasten to point out that the incident occurred several years ago, and I have zero first hand knowledge of how the district actually handled this situation.  My discussion rests on what I’ve observed from interviews with the bus monitor, reports from news agencies and my own personal reaction.

From what I’ve been able to gather, this was not the first time the monitor observed taunting and bullying on her school bus. In a TV interview, she reported that she had written referrals about this to school officials and “nothing would be done.”

According to the school district, it had at the time of this incident, a plan in place to address bullying:

“Specifically, the Greece Central School District had recently adopted the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, a systemic approach involving all community stakeholders to reduce bullying and other anti-social behaviors. The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained. This behavior is a clear violation and will not be tolerated. The district will also ensure that reporting procedures are reviewed and response procedures are systemically in place.”

Okay, so I do credit the school district for adopting a fine prevention program. And perhaps because it had only “recently”  been adopted, not all of its features can be expected to have been be fully implemented.

Nevertheless, when I heard the district say,  “The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained,” I found myself cringing.  In my opinion, if a bus monitor makes a referral about tormenting and bullying on the bus, if the monitor is left feeling that nothing is done, something is seriously wrong.

If the school district had thoroughly trained this bus monitor what would I have expected to occur in the situation that she found herself in?

In my opinion, as soon as she had heard any signs of taunting or bullying on the bus on the way home from school, she would have been thoroughly trained to make the following announcement in a loud clear voice.

“I have just observed some actions that struck me as taunting or bullying. I expect it to stop immediately.  If I hear even a hint of anything more that strikes me as taunting or bullying, I will have the bus immediately returned to the school. Those involved will be then escorted off the bus and will wait for their parents to pick them up.”

Then, if any other disrespectful behavior was heard, she would then call, via a cell phone, the school district’s administration so that personnel will be prepared to meet the bus and to carry out this plan.

This type of response would be no surprise to students or parents. In schools that have had proper training, all students, parents and staff are informed that this plan will happen under this set of circumstances.

In the event that the school bus does return back to school, all students who taunted or bullied anyone on the bus would be required, in order to be permitted to ride the bus again, to write a letter of apology, make a commitment to never do it again, and explain why taunting and bullying are wrong.

Such a plan empowers the bus monitor. Moreover, it creates a climate in which the other students on the bus would use social pressure to discourage taunting and bullying because they would not want any delays in getting home. In addition, the act of writing the letter would be used as a teaching moment, rather than punishment.

Now this type of plan would never be the sole approach to dealing with taunting and bullying.  Any bullying approach must include a more encompassing program like Olweus Bullying Prevention Program.  Nevertheless, for those following this blog I believe it is helpful for me to lay out what my expectation for handling the specific type of situation that the bus monitor found herself in. Then readers can compare and contrast my view with what they view as a skillful response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT

In my last post I discussed the YouTube video, “Making the Bus Monitor Cry.”  Let’s continue the discussion.

Why did these boys continue to say and do such hurtful things for over ten minutes?  Was it because they hoped their actions would encourage the monitor to make some improvements in her life?  This seems doubtful because their actions plainly demonstrated that they had absolutely no desire to help this woman.  Was it because they were playfully teasing her?  This is a bit more likely.  Immature people, because of their lack of empathy, may come to believe that to be successful at this game you must seek to make a person feel as rotten as you can.

These two reasons for criticizing someone—the desire to encourage improvement and playful teasing—were discussed in my last post.  Today I’d like to discuss what I believe is a more likely reason why these boys acted the way they did.

The Desire to Form a Bond with a Group by Putting Down Non-group Members

Many people have a desire to join together in a common cause.  That’s one big reason why playing games like baseball can be so much fun.  Hit a homer, or even a ground ball that brings in the winning run, and your group is patting you one the back and the fans are cheering.  When immature people express this desire, because of their lack of empathy, they can join together with others to humiliate a minority or one or more individuals who are viewed as too powerless to defend themselves.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Sometimes we see this sort of behavior occur when a new girl starts a new school.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the bus monitor situation that we saw in the viral YouTube video, there was just one bus monitor and several boys who began to criticize her weight and to seek to humiliate her in a host of other ways.  This sure looks like a classic situation in which a group of immature individuals sought to band together in a common cause.

When someone faces these types of difficult situations, what is a respectable way to respond?  No single blog post can fully answer this question, but I would like to throw out some ideas for your consideration.  Let’s begin with a parable.

The Parable of Jason and Ron

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

As we look at the pictures of this parable, let me add some details.  When Jason says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ron,” he looks squarely into Ron’s eyes.  Then he gives Ron a slight nod of his head and goes on his way.  Throughout the interaction between Jason and Ron, Jason remains friendly, while at the same time, self-assured.

When I was in school, one day I noticed a boy handle a similar situation like Jason.  The other students seemed to respect how the boy handled the teasing.  So I began to rehearse this style in front of a mirror over the course of a few days.  The next time one of the older students teased me, I gave it a try.  It ended up working just fine.

Now I understand that the bus monitor in the video was under a contract agreement that she could not just give a nod to the four boys and then walk away.  And so, what might she have done that was better than her approach?  Here’s one possibility.

She could have looked each of the boys in their eyes and made it clear that she understood what the boys had said–“You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t like what I look like.  I’ve heard you out.  Now you’re seeking to torment me.  If I see  you doing anymore tormenting, to me or to anyone else on the bus, we’ll discuss it together with the principal and you’re parents.”

If the boys did continue to seek to humiliate her, she could follow through by strongly advocating that each of the boys that were involved indeed have a meeting with their parents and principal.  There should be a separate meeting for each boy.  The boy who is being discussed should be included, but not the other boys who were involved.  Without the presence of those who cheered him on, each boy would be better able to look more squarely at the concerns of all present at the meeting.

It could be very helpful to include at each of these meetings some mature adult who has formed a close relationship with the teenager under discussion.  Oftentimes a coach, art teacher, or another adult who the teenager has come to respect, can powerfully make the point that forming bonds with others by playing the game of humiliating is just plain wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry playful teasing psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE

Those following this blog have been reading about the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism(see May 13th post and May 27th post).  How well did Karen Klein, the 68-year-old grandmother who many of us witnessed in a YouTube video, do?  There, during a 10 minute episode, middle school students hurl a barrage of criticism at her.  One asks for her address because he says he wants to go urinate on her door.  Another tells her that she doesn’t have a family because “they all killed themselves because they didn’t want to be near you.”

WOW!  These are pretty cold things to say!

Some of the boys went beyond words, poking her as soon as her sight was directed away from them.  One boy reached over and poked her on the side of her breast.

Such behavior goes well beyond criticism and enters the realm of abuse.

Karen Klein responded with periods of trying to ignore the responses and tearfulness.  After the episode was over, she was questioned by authorities and media and she came across to me as a sweet lady who went through a very uncomfortable experience.

If we were to try to use the five levels of maturity to determine if Karen Klein’s response to criticism was mature or immature, this would be rather unfair.  Yes, her crying and efforts to ignore the criticism are viewed, according to the five levels, as among the more immature responses.  But the five levels of responding to criticism are designed to describe the levels of maturity for handling just one type of criticism—criticism that is intended to help the person being criticized to improve in some way.  It is quite clear from the ten minute YouTube video that the criticisms that the middle school students were bombarding Ms. Klein were NOT intended for this purpose.

By following this blog, you will come to identify eight different reasons why people criticize others.  Once you can quickly identify the reason for the criticism, you will be in a much better position to come up with a mature way to respond to the criticism.  For example, in addition to the type of criticism that is intended to encourage a person to improve, there is a type of criticism used to play a game we will call “playful teasing.”

Playful Teasing

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, and trash talk.  You are judged in part on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  Their empathy helps them to realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Less mature people, partly because of their lower levels of empathy, may think that the more awful they can make someone feel during this game, the better they are at it.  When the criticizers have themselves been humiliated by other immature people, they may come to be even more motivated to humiliate others as a way to take out their own pain on others.

If you find that you are being criticized and it doesn’t seem to be motivated by a desire to get you to improve, and you’re not sure what else may be the reason, my advice is to first theorize that it’s just some playful teasing.  If the criticism is provided with a smile, or by someone you know who likes to tease in a friendly way, you can be pretty sure that it is just for fun.  Then, if you reply with a smile and a comment such as, “That’s a good one,” it shows that you can take a little teasing without getting defensive.  If you want to take the game a little further, you can throw a friendly insult right back, like “Same to you, fellow.”  When you’ve had enough of the game, smiling and giving the other player a pat on the back can be a good way to draw the game to an end.

Sometimes you are not sure if playful teasing is the name of the game.  Then you have to be careful about throwing insults back at the insulter.  If it turns out that the criticizer’s comments are not meant to be playful teasing, throwing back insults might make the situation worse.  Here are some ideas that permit you to play along while providing you time to figure out what’s really going on.

After the first insult, consider responding in a kidding around way by crying, “OH YEAH!?”  As you do this, pretend, in an obviously joking around way, that you have become defensive at the insulter’s comment.  But then follow up your fake outrage with a broad smile.  This shows that you can play along with the insult while, at the same time, you can take a joke.

If the insulter again insults you in a manner that still leaves you uncertain if the person is just teasing, consider saying the following.  “It looks like you have some more missiles to send my way.  Okay, hit me with your best shots.  I already know that you think my nose is too big and my mother is a fool, so there’s no need to bother with those.  Go ahead.  I can take it.”

Then, if the insults continue, cry out…

Illustration by Eric Sailer

All of this allows you to continue to play along without throwing insults back at a criticizer who may not be playing the teasing game.  By the time you fall to your knees, if you still aren’t clear about what is going on, get back up and try saying in a concerned, caring way, “Listen, at first I thought you were joking around.  Now I’m not so sure.  Is everything okay?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down the list of other desires that motivate criticism.  We will be reviewing these in coming weeks.

If you find that the person, or the group of people teasing you are playing the game of teasing in the immature manner—that is, just trying to make you feel as awful as possible—what can you do?   I suggest that you just give a quick nod at the comment and then get as far away as possible.  Then do your best to stay away from such  people.

Now, I certainly realize it is not always easy to avoid a person or a group.  Students or bus monitors who ride the school bus are pretty much forced to be confined with a certain set of students for a period of time a couple of times each day.  Or the group you want to avoid might be in your classes.  As you leave the class you might be stuck walking down the hall with the criticizers.  In such cases, when you feel that you have reached your limit of dealing with the put downs, sometimes the following approach is worth a try.

To begin, this approach only requires that you learn to say two words—Please, enough.  That’s the easy part.  For some, learning how to say these words is the hard part of this strategy.

To use this technique, after two or three insults, say, in a very serious way, rather softly, but loud enough to be clearly heard, “Please.”  Then pause for about three seconds while looking firmly into the eyes of each person who has been teasing you.  Than say, “e” using the long “e” sound.  Then, after another second, say, “nough!”  When you look into the eyes of each of the name callers, you are NOT to glare at them in a threatening manner, with your eyebrows pressed to the middle of your forehead.  Rather, you are seeking to be firm and very, very, serious.

If immediately after you finish saying this, somebody begins to insult you again, repeat the same words in a similar manner, but this time say it distinctly louder, though just short of shouting.  At this point you are seeking to communicate that dire consequences are at hand.  You must be firm and look squarely into the eyes of each insulter once again.  Then you are to remain very serious while staring either out the school bus’s window or straight ahead where you are walking, but not at any one of the criticizers.  You are to remain silent, without talking to anyone, for the remainder of the period you are stuck together, looking the whole time like you are through fooling around and enough is enough!

When the end of the time period that you are stuck together comes, immediately take your stuff and hurry away from the group continuing to look like you are very much annoyed.

The next time you see them, again, turn very serious and silent.  If the group members don’t bother you, after a few minutes you can slowly begin to reduce the tension you have created.  If the group members again insult you at any time, be silent and serious while again staring out the window or, if you are walking, straight ahead.

The game of immature name calling is kind of like a tennis game.  In tennis, if someone hits the ball over the net to you and you refuse to hit it back, people will stop playing with you.  Similarly, if someone insults you and you remain silent, often the insulter will find the game too boring to continue.

Although the style I want you to consider comes fairly easy to some, others must learn it with someone who can model the right tone and expression.  Some people I worked with over the years found it hard not to put a smirk on their face after they said, “Please, enough!”  Some came off as embarrassed while they carried out the technique.  If you are not sure how you look while carrying out each step, observe yourself in a mirror.  Also run through a role play with a couple of friends or family members and ask them if it looks right to them.  Better yet, find out who directs plays at your school.  Find out the director’s office hours, and go and explain what you want to learn.

I encourage you to avoid becoming discouraged if you end up botching the performance the first few times you try this during practice sessions.  I’ve worked with students that at first kept cracking up throughout the process.  Every one of them eventually learned to effectively utilize this technique.  Five sessions, each lasting about fifteen minutes, can usually get a shy guy to put together an academy award winning performance.

There are times when those who are doing the teasing are being so cruel and relentless, that the wisest course of action is to inform authorities such as a school principal and the police.  This may take courage, but keep in mind that if you remain silent, not only will you continue to be cruelly treated, but so too will others.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE CASE AGAINST THE FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

In recent blogs posts I have been discussing five levels of responding to criticism (see May 13th post and May 27th post).  Over the years most of my students have been largely supportive of its framework, but naturally there has been some criticism.  A mother, for example, told me that although she agreed with the five levels framework when adults are responding to criticism from other adults, there are times when there is nothing wrong with a parent shouting, or even whacking their children if they dare criticize them.  And then there is the case of a boy we will call Rob…

The Case of Rob

A few years ago, I was working in a juvenile correction facility that had some female cottages and some male ones.  One day, while I was having lunch with the residents of one of the female cottages, two 15-year old girls sitting beside me began to chat…

Illustration by Dianna Martinez

Both of these girls had eyes that began to glow as they discussed the bloody outcome.

I asked the girls if they really respected the way Rob had handled the conflict, and they said they did.

“Powerful people have the skill to get what they want,” I said.  “Do you girls think that Rob wants to spend a year locked up in this place?”

“No,” said Jill, “but when he gets out people are gonna know you can’t mess with him.  He’ll be able to walk in the neighborhood with his head high.”

Shortly afterwards, I got to meet Rob.  I asked him why he got locked up in the facility…

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

 

Rod went on from there to say, “And so, Al, he says, ‘People may act like they respect you when you’re around because they’re afraid, but as soon as you walk away they spit on your souls.’  Well, I couldn’t let him get away with that!  How would that look?”

“The thing is, Rob,” I replied, “power is the skill to get what you want.  Do you want to be locked up in here?”

“No.”

“Tonight, what would you like to be doing?”

“Be out on a date with a girl I like.”

“You can’t do that here.”

“No.  But I couldn’t let that Al get away with what he said.”

“When Al said that stuff about people spitting on your souls behind your backs, what do you think would have happened if you said, ‘I’m sure there are some who feel that way?’”

“My guys wouldn’t have liked that.”

“How come most people have no trouble staying out of fights and avoiding getting locked up?”

“They don’t hang out with the guys in my neighborhood.”

“Some guys in your neighborhood look up to people who act violently toward criticism.  Still, most people in your neighborhood don’t act violently or get arrested.  How come?”

“They’re chicken.”

I asked Rob what he liked to do.  Among the things he mentioned was singing.  Since I play the guitar, I formed a singing trio with Rob and two other singers and we put on a show every now and then for the other teenagers.  In the beginning, during rehearsals, because of the arguments that occurred whenever criticism occurred, we often made little progress.  But, through some counseling with Rob, he came to understand that higher levels of responding to criticism would help the group to accomplish our musical goals.  With less shouting and people storming away, and with less of a need to have security intervene as two combatants were preparing to go at one another, we spent far more time on music.

Rob came to agree that dealing with criticism at higher levels was better in general, but he continued to believe his gang back in his neighborhood would think less of him if he didn’t act tough.

“Maybe it would be better for you to find a new bunch of friends, friends that you don’t have to get locked up for, or killed for, just so that they will like you.”

“With the gang, I know they already accept me for what I am.  With new people, well I don’t know.”

“It’s a bit scary starting over with new people.”

“I guess.”

“Scarier than getting arrested or killed?”

“In a strange way, yeah.”

People like Rob have a tougher time than most of us when deciding on the wisest course of action in the face of criticism.

In your life, you will have to decide if violence is right for you. To help to further clarify these issues, I have written a coming of age trilogy about  a young boy, Steve Marino, who repeatedly contends with his violent father. As Steve begins to mature, he struggles with how to get by on the gritty streets of Brooklyn; should he follow in his father’s violent footsteps, or his Uncle Rickey’s, a guy who is just as big and strong as Steve’s dad, but with a knack for avoiding violence and developing a friendly loyalty by participating in fun activities? The first of these three novels, A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, is available for free by clicking here.

hero coverLove cover

Well, that’s my post for this week. I hope to see you all right back here real soon at From Insults to Respect .

 

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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conflict resolution criticism psychological maturity

PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY: WHAT IS IT?

In this blog, from time to time I have said that some responses to criticism are more mature than others.  To refer to maturity without being clear about what it means can lead to confusion. So, today, I clarify what I meant by this. To do so, please consider the following comic strip.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

When Andy says that Marsha is acting immature, it is possible that he means nothing more than that he doesn’t like the way she is acting.  His pronouncement may be nothing more than his value judgment.

In contrast, sometimes when the term is used there is a vague idea that there are different developmental levels of maturity, and the person said to be immature is thought to have not reached a more optimal level according to the person doing the judging.  Sometimes the person who calls the other person immature is somewhat older then the person being criticized.  Older people sometimes believe that they have the authority to decide when a younger person is being immature—that is, the mere fact that they are older gives them the authority to pronounce this type of judgment.  Younger people, especially as they move out of childhood and enter into their teenage years, aren’t always convinced that such authority is legitimate.

People studying the body often talk about maturity as it relates to bodily changes.  Thus, as children mature they grow taller, and as they mature more, men oftentimes grow facial hair, their voices deepen, etc.  When I talk about immaturity and maturity, I am not referring to bodily changes.  Nor am I attempting to offer only my value judgment, though the reader, I believe, would be wise to be on guard against anyone making such a claim.  As the brilliant physicist and professor, Niels Bohr, used to say, “Every sentence that I utter should be regarded by you not as an assertion but as a question.”

When I say a behavior is more mature than another, I mean it is “better” in the long run, it considers more variables, and represents more comprehensive cognitive problem solving.  Individuals who tend to act at higher levels of psychological maturity can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, and yet to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful accomplishments.

Such a description of maturity, in a general sort of way, can be valuable to envision as a general goal.  Nevertheless, you will find that I will never just rely on this general description whenever I urge you to respond in a more mature manner.  Instead, I will provide more specific descriptions of the actions that are necessary to achieve specific goals.  For example, I recently provided very specific sets of responses that describe five different maturity levels of responding to criticism (see HERE and HERE).  Soon, I will provide specific descriptions of how people at different levels of maturity provide criticism to others.  Other aspects of psychological maturity will become evident in time.

So, there you have it—my view of psychological maturity.  I hope you will reflect on this, feel free to suggest improvements, and decide for yourself if the term can be useful.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

The Parable of Ed and Lori

Ed has been dating Lori for a little over a month. One day he invites her to have dinner at his favorite restaurant.

“Ed,” she replies with a smile, “I’d like to pick the restaurant this time. You picked last time.”

Ed thinks to himself that the one time he agreed to Lori picking the restaurant, she picked spicy Indian food that upset his stomach.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Ever since, he has been reluctant to give Lori any say where they go.  But, because he has been following this blog, Ed recognizes that Lori’s request contained a note of criticism.

Having had trouble maintaining lasting relationships with women because of the way he has been handling criticism, Ed has begun to work on making some improvements.  Using what he learned on this blog’s two recent posts (see Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity and Responding to Criticism: The Most Mature Level) he has rehearsed in his mind not getting defensive whenever he is criticized and, instead, responding at the most mature level.  Ed realizes this is an excellent opportunity to try out some of what he has been practicing.

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

First, Ed shows Lori that he has really listened to what she had to say by taking a few seconds to think about what she has said.  Then, he summarizes her position by using the DIG conflict model.  The word DIG reminds him to look for Lori’s DESIRE, what she views as INTERFERING with her desire, and what she thinks he is GUILTY of doing wrong. This leads him to summarize her position as follows:

“Lori, I think I understand how you feel.  You desire that we take turns picking the restaurants that we go to.  I’ve been interfering with this because ever since you picked the Indian restaurant I’ve been insisting on choosing where we go.  You feel that I’m guilty of being unfair.  Is that right?”

“Yes,” says Lori. “Well said.”

Ed now checks his level of frustration.  He knows that if it is high he would be wise to tell Lori he wants to take a few days to think over what she has said.  But he finds that he is pretty calm and Lori doesn’t look like she’s about to freak out either.  So, after a little more thought, Ed gets ready to disagree with Lori without being disagreeable.  But he first pauses to see if he can come up with a way to steer in her direction.  Suddenly an idea comes to him.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says with a smile, “see if you’re willing to give this a try.  Every other time we go out why don’t you come up with three places that you’d like to go?  Then I’ll try to pick one of them.  Then, when it’s my turn to pick, I’ll let you know three places I’d like to go, and if you like any of them, you can choose from those three.  Surely we can come up with a place we both like if we do it like this. It’ll be fun.”

“What if I don’t like any of the three you pick?” Lori asks.

“I’ll come up with another three that you can pick from,” Ed responds.

“OK,” says Lori.

Why does learning to steer in the direction of someone’s criticism tend to enhance your reputation?

In focus groups that discussed the above parable, people felt that if Ed insisted on choosing the restaurant without giving Lori some say, he would come across as rigid, bossy and a jerk.  By offering to give some choices to Lori, Ed would come across as more flexible, reasonable and likable.

To understand why people have this reaction, it will be valuable to contrast what it feels like when we feel like pawns and origins.  

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating what is happening and how I wish to act. Such a feeling is called, “feeling like an origin.”

People who perceive themselves powerless often experience alienation or reactance against those perceived as inflexible. They become angrier and angrier, and eventually a number of negative things happen to the relationship. Learning to steer prevents these negative things from happening.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL

Recently, I put up a post on this blog titled “RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.”  Here are a description of them:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After describing the four levels, I ended the post with the question, “Is there a higher level than level four?”  Today I shall propose a level five:

LEVEL FIVE.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

To better understand level five, let’s take a look at a parable:

The Parable of Mr. Rodriguez

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Mr. Rodriguez tells his students that next month they are going on a field trip to a museum.  His class begins to criticize the trip. 

“Whenever we go on field trips we always go to boring places,” says Nick.

“Why can’t we pick a place to go on a field trip?” says Jody.

“How do the rest of you feel about this?” asks Mr. Rodriguez.

“We should go to an amusement park instead!” says one girl.

“I think we should see a new movie at the mall,” says a boy. 

Mr. Rodriguez thinks about this, and, at first, he says to himself, “The principal will never go along with letting the students pick a place to go on a field trip.”  But then he tries to come up with a way to steer in the direction of the students’ criticism. 

He comes up with an idea.  “Field trips are for learning,” he tells the class.  “I understand that you want to have some say as to what field trip we go on.  What if I ask the principal to select three field trips she would be willing to approve, and then I ask you to choose one from the three she comes up with—would that be better?”

“Yes!” they reply.

When Mr. Rodriguez asks the principal, she declares that this is a great idea.  Then, the next time Mr. Rodriguez returns to his class, he says,

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

“Remember yesterday I said we were going to the museum?”

“Yeah,” says Nick.  “A field trip to the museum again!  That’s boring!”

“Well,” replies Mr. Rodriguez, “the principle says we can choose between the museum, the zoo, or the botanical gardens?”   

The students end up choosing the zoo.  Mr. Rodriguez is delighted with this because the principal had him going, every year, for the last ten years, to the museum and he has grown tired of it.  He’s never been to the zoo, and he and his students feel better having been given a choice. 

What We Can Learn From this Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

The way Mr. Rodriguez handled his class’s criticism is an example of a level 5 response.  Although he didn’t completely agree with the students’ criticism, instead of completely rejecting it, he steered in the direction of the criticism.  That is, he took the students’ ideas about their choosing the place to go on the field trip, and used it in such a way that both he and the students ended up feeling better off with the end result.

It takes a bit of creativity to come up with these types of steering plans.  For those who regularly follow this blog, in coming weeks from time to time you will be provided fun activities to practice this skill and you will find yourself getting better and better at it.

Assignment: Suppose you are a Yankees baseball fan and your friend criticizes you for rooting for them by saying, “I can’t believe you root for them. You just like them because they always win, and the only reason they always win is because they have a ton of money being in the biggest market.” Also suppose you disagree with your friend for two reason, 1. you do not root for them because they always win, but because you grew up in New York and the Yankees were the home team, and 2. the Yankees don’t always win. Review the level 5 description and see if you can come up with a response that is a good match with it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

The last few blog posts have been devoted to encouraging readers to take a little time to stop and think about criticism.

In the most recent post, we took a look at four levels of responding to criticism.  Level one is viewed as the least mature response, and each higher level is viewed as more and more mature.  Let’s take another look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 
Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

As I mentioned in my last blog, one reason to consider learning to respond to criticism in a way that matches level four is because people are likely to end up liking and respecting you more.  But we might not want to choose to act in a particular way merely for this type of reason.  Just because others think a particular type of action is “cool” might be an insufficient reason as you look within yourself to see what feels right to you.  For example, if most of the students at school are tormenting and bullying a new student, you might decide that this just doesn’t feel right, and you may therefore refuse to join in.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

One way that people decide if something feels right or wrong is to use the golden rule—Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. 

If you criticize someone, how would you want that person to respond to your criticism?  Would you want the person to start yelling at you and calling you insulting names?  Or would you want the person to listen in a caring, supportive way?

new-jack

If the level four description is how you would want others to treat you, perhaps that’s a good reason why you might want to learn to respond to criticism in a similar way.

Assignment: Imagine someone has just criticized your taste in music. See if you can compose a level 4 response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete.  As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you.  You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.”  Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Do you think you would like Pete?  Would you respect Pete for acting this way?  Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways.  Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism.  This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism.  I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.  Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town).  Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature?  Is there a higher level than the level 4 description?  In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism?  What do we really mean by different levels of maturity?  We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution

INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

For the past few weeks we have been thinking about criticism. We noted that one reason that criticism is hard to bear for many of us is because of the way many people often provide criticism.  Because it is often provided with shouting, glares, name calling and threats it is understandable that you might start to get defensive as soon as you begin to hear someone criticizing you.  But these negative actions don’t have to be part of negative criticism.

When these negative actions are used, what is the best way to respond? I recently discussed this with some fellow folks who, like me, grew up in Brooklyn. Some of the suggestions were:

Walk away because they are not worth it

Say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”

Say, “You talking’ to me!”

Say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”

Say, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.”

Roll with the punches. Until no matter what, nothing stops it. Then don’t be nice.

Say, “Your mother.” 

confidenceIn my view, there is as alternative perspective well worth considering. People who are masters at dealing with criticism are confident that they are fully prepared to carry out a plan that can effectively deal with insults. Moreover, they are confident that they can carry out the plan in a manner that will enhance their reputation and protect their personal freedom.

This plan can take a variety of forms. What might feel right for one person might not feel right to another. And so, here I will propose a plan that is just a starting point for your consideration.

The Plan

When you are being criticized in a manner that you don’t like, this is NOT the time to criticize the criticizer’s style. The first thing to do is to model for the criticizer a high level of maturity in responding to criticism.  Here’s what that might look like:

listening 1Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style. Then make it clear that you fully understand what was said. This means that you summarize what you heard and ask if your summary is accurate. Then spend some time showing that you are thinking about the criticism by pausing, perhaps rubbing your chin and asking a question or two to clarify the criticizer’s position. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be correct, make a statement that frankly indicates the ideas have merit and you intend to use them in the future. If you are not sure if you agree, make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further.  If after thinking about the criticism you feel the criticism is incorrect, make a statement designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, encouraged the criticizer to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

An Example of An Approach I Am Not recommending

After being criticized because you forgot to pick up bananas when you went shopping and the criticizer had said, While shouting “You idiot, you forgot to pick up bananas.”

“Don’t call me an idiot! Who do you think you’re talking to! You’re the idiot.!”

An Example Of More Helpful Approach

After the same negative criticism in the last example you simply reply, “You’re upset because I forgot the bananas,” said with caring in your voice. You now have shown that you have heard the criticism without returning any insults and your tone indicates you are taking the criticism seriously, and you care the criticizer is upset. If you think the criticizer is wrong for the criticism, it may not be the time to point this out. Waiting until a period to calming down might be a wiser choice. But let’s say you had an agreement that whatever was to be picked up at the store would be written on a shopping list, and the criticizer had failed to write “bananas,” you might gently point that out.

Now that you have modeled how to respond to criticism in a mature manner, wait until the insulter has had some time to calm down.  Then you can negotiate from a position of strength. Begin by first asking yourself what you didn’t like about how you had been treated and how you wish to be treated in the future if a similar set of circumstances should arise. Then consider having the following discussion with the criticizer:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Once you made your position clear, listen to the reply in a caring way. Some of the reply of the criticizer might be negative criticism of the approach that you are advocating. Respond in a way that matches the response to negative criticism that I describe above.

This approach requires practice. I suggest you do it with a friend over three separate times over a three week period. The practice sessions would involve you pretending you are playing a part of a mature person in a play. You may feel at first that the part is not really the authentic person that you are, but with practice it will begin to feel more and more natural, especially if you are convinced that your old way of handling these situations have not been helpful.

You now have had an opportunity to look over this plan. Over the course of the following week, if you will, think about what you like about this plan, what doesn’t feel right to you, and how you would change it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.