From Insults To Respect

WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 29, 2012
14 Comments on WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

In the last couple of blog posts, I have been trying to make the case that if we are to become wise we will learn to thank people whenever they criticize us, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice because criticism has the potential to make us wiser (see post titled Criticism and Wisdom). If this is so, why do so many of us feel insulted when we hear someone providing criticism to us? Today we will discuss three reasons for this and why it is important to come to understand them.

The Style that Criticism has been Provided to us in the Past

One reason is that when we think about the times criticism was provided to us, something that struck us as mean occurred at the same time.

Perhaps Ed recalls how, when he was young some bullies would shove and slug him while at the same time criticizing his glasses.

bully criticism — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Perhaps Ed recalls how his mom, whenever she criticized him, yelled, called him names, threatened him, and smacked him on his rear end.

If such negative actions have been paired with criticism often enough, criticism does become associated with uncomfortable feelings. The feelings and the criticism blend together.

But even if these negative actions were not part of your personal experiences, you may still find yourself feeling insulted and experiencing defensiveness whenever you are criticized. There are two reasons for this—we have an inherent desire to be liked and to maintain freedom.

Being Liked and Criticism

It is no secret we desire to be liked. People don’t only desire to be liked, they desire that their clothes, their appearance and their actions are liked as well. When people provide negative criticism to us they are telling us there is something about us they don’t like.

Because the vast majority of people have the desire to be liked, it has led some to put forth the theory that in ancient days people who were not liked were banished from the tribe. Those who were banished were less likely to survive in the wild on their own and therefor were less likely to pass on their genes to the next generation. In contrast, those who were concerned about being liked and therefore worked hard to find ways to become liked were less likely to be banished from the tribe and therefore were more likely to survive. Thus, the desire to be liked became more likely to occur in the human species.

Maintaining Your Freedom and Criticism

People desire to be free to make their own decisions. When people criticize us, it suggests that they desire that we make some change. Oftentimes a criticism is provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will.

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness. In the conflict resolution literature the feelings and actions that come along with the desire to resist a loss of freedom is often referred to as “reactance.”

Why Bother to Learn the Reasons Criticism is so Hard to Bear

Learning that criticism is a path toward wisdom prods us to seek ways to hear criticism without becoming defensive and to design our criticism of others in a manner that will lessen the likelihood that they will become defensive. The first step toward this goal is to understand the reasons why criticism is often very difficult for us.

One reason we become defensive upon hearing criticism is because the way we were provided criticism in the past struck us as mean. Understanding this can prompt us to start thinking about how we can negotiate ways to be provided criticism in a more comfortable manner. Moreover, it can help us to design our criticism of others in a manner that will be better received.

To become aware that when people are criticized their desire to be liked and to maintain their freedom may become threatened can also be very helpful. There are styles of providing criticism that lesson defensiveness. Moreover, as we receive criticism, there are styles of thinking and responding that will lead to enhancing our reputation and to protect our freedom. In next week’s blog post we will delve further into these issues.

ASSIGNMENT: Recall a time someone angrily criticized you. How did you feel, and what did you reply? Now that you have read this post, see if you can come up with a better reply then the one you used. If you can, describe why you think it would be better.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, wisdom

conflict resolution

CRITICISM AND WISDOM

In my last blog post we began to take up the question, “Is criticism bad?” There, we concluded with a King Solomon proverb that declares that if you criticize the wise man he will love you and become even wiser.

SHOUTING cropped — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Now I understand that for many people the idea of criticism is joined with the way criticism has been presented to them over the years. For many, criticism has come along with shouting, name calling, threats, punishment, a slap in the face, or even worse. It is therefore understandable that for many the whole idea of criticism includes such actions and how they feel when they meet up with such actions. This blog will soon be addressing the various actions and feelings that too often show up alongside criticism and what can be done about them. But, for today, let’s see if we can look at criticism without these complicating issues.

John Stuart Mill wrote back in 1859, a brilliant little book titled On Liberty. There he declares, like the Solomon proverb, that there is great value that comes from criticism.

Mill crop — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…” Mr. Mill does not merely declare that this is so; he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position. For example:

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it: for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

I suggest printing these words of Mr. Mill out and sticking the printout on your refrigerator door. Let this be an aid to remind you to reread Mill’s words three or four times over the course of the following week. Deepening your understanding of the principles that exist in these words is an essential step toward learning how to foster respect within yourself, and from others.

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Tags bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, John Stuart Mill on Liberty, King Solomon proverb, wisdom

conflict resolution

IS CRITICISM BAD?

In the last blog post, when Marie became frustrated at Carl’s opinion, she criticized it by shouting at Carl and calling him names.

Marie criticizing Carl very new — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Carl ended up feeling insulted. I then criticized Marie’s style of criticism.

Although I know that sometimes people, when criticized, feel insulted, sometimes when I’m doing my counseling routine, I criticize anyway.

counselor — Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“Are you saying I did something wrong?!” Barbara shouts.

Some say about criticism, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all! An alternative position is that criticism is the mechanism by which better solutions are found and better decisions are made.

To answer the question “Is criticism bad?” we have to first make sure we understand what “criticism” is.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY CRITICISM?

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in all capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the words negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations.

Some people believe only negative criticism can start a conflict. But even positive criticism can lead to a conflict.

The Head of a Law Firm Parable

Linda is the head of a big law firm. One day she writes an argument defending one of her clients. In an effort to improve it before sending it out to the judge, she gives it to two of her assistants, Gail and Henry, and asks them to criticize it.

A few hours later, Gail returns it to her boss with some red ink marks that point out two mistakes. In the margins next to the red marks are clear descriptions written by Gail explaining why she views them as mistakes and how they may be fixed. Linda, after carefully looking over Gail’s criticism, ends up agreeing with her, makes the corrections, and as a result believes her argument to the judge will be significantly better.

Henry, in contrast, several days later, comes to Linda’s office and says that he has carefully looked over the argument and it is great. He says, further, that he was unable to find a single fault in the argument, and then compliments Linda on how brilliant she is. Henry offers nothing but positive criticism to Linda.

Linda is very pleased with Gail’s work but not Henry’s. In fact, Linda now believes she has a conflict with Henry. The conflict can be described as follows: Linda desires to provide arguments defending her clients with as few mistakes as possible and interfering with this Henry did not find the faults in her most recent argument. Linda believes that Henry is guilty of acting wrong by providing useless compliments.

In this Head of a Law Firm parable, negative criticism was viewed as a good thing, and the positive criticism led to a conflict. Hmmm.

In closing today’s post, let’s take a look at what King Solomon has to say on this topic.

solomon new — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

“[H]e who criticizes a wicked man incurs injury. Do not criticize a scoffer, or he will hate you; criticize a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man and he will increase in learning.”(Proverbs 9)

The first sentence of this proverb tells us that a wicked man, when criticized, injures the criticizer.

However, Solomon declares that the wise man loves you if you criticize him. Hmmm. Let’s think on this for the week, and then, in my next post I’ll return to this topic.

Assignment: Describe a recent time when someone criticized you. Include how you responded in terms of how you felt and acted.

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Tags anger, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, King Solomon proverb, wisdom

conflict resolution

CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 7, 2012
6 Comments on CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

The metaphor of a sea can give us an intuitive sense of how conflict and anger are related.

Anger is like a region on the Great Sea of Conflict that can be very dangerous. When a master sailor finds she is in the region of anger and a storm begins to develop, she has already prepared herself. She has practiced some very specific skills when it was relatively safe. She knew beforehand that she didn’t want to first start to figure out what to do when she finds herself in a crisis situation. During a crisis it is hard to think clearly and there might not be enough time to figure out the most promising strategy.

Now, in real life, many people don’t see any need to practice some skills when they are in a calm state so that they can better deal with anger storms. Here’s a little story that helps to explain why people neglect to do this.

PARABLE OF CARL AND MARIE

Carl has grown to like Marie quite a lot. But on Tuesday, Carl expresses his opinion on a subject and Marie becomes angry and starts to yell at him while calling him names. Although Carl listens quietly and then tells Marie that he appreciates her concerns, inwardly he doesn’t like the way she handled her disagreement with him. Carl never shows Marie that how she has acted has turned him off.

From Marie’s perspective, she likes the way she stood up for what she believes in and admires the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. Moreover, from what she observed from Carl’s reaction, she thinks everything is just fine. She sees no reason why, when she became angry at Carl, she would have been better off respectfully summarizing his position and then, noticing the angry storm blowing up within her mind, putting off her comments till she had some time to calmly think them over.

A few days later, Carl thinks about who he should ask out next Saturday night…

Carl and Marie — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

PARABLE DISCUSSION

When Marie does not get asked out on Saturday night by a guy she really, really likes, she may not come to realize that her display of anger was the cause.

Many people don’t show others how they feel when someone begins to express their anger by yelling and name calling. Therefore, many people never come to realize fully that the way they express their anger can lead to people losing respect for them. This loss of respect can lead to losing friends, employment and promotions. Since many people just don’t see the negative reaction to how they angrily respond, the idea that they should learn to react differently seems wrong, and even unnatural.

But consider what happens when human beings have to go poop. When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere. No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy. Most of us have learned that we can learn to wait a bit until we get to a more private place to do this type of business. No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger. To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

We take timeouts in many sports for three reasons. We want to take some time to catch our breath, to think about what has just been happening, and to formulate a plan to go forward. The wise use of timeouts can greatly increase the chance for winning. It is for the same reasons why we wisely call timeouts in an anger arousing situation.

In different sports, time outs are called in a very specific manner. In one, a flag might be thrown down. In another, a coach has to make a letter “T” with his or her hands. Those who are in charge of calling for timeouts in a specific sport must be well practiced in how to do this so that they can do so at just the right moment. It is similar with learning how and when to call time out when you become angry.

Here’s an approach for this type of calling timeout that I would like you to consider.

When you see that you are becoming angry, or the other party is, make a statement in a warm friendly manner indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further. Then, let the other person have the last words while you listen in a caring way.

We’ll be discussing the benefits of using this approach in future posts and also how to practice this skill so that you can employ it even in the most frustrating circumstances.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, emotions

conflict resolution

The Great Sea of Conflict

Conflict is like a great sea. At various times any region of this sea can become terribly turbulent. When you get out on the Sea of Conflict, many of its regions look pretty much like any of its other regions and it’s not hard to get lost out there.

sea picture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

There is a region of this sea that is known as Anger. There, storms are particularly likely to churn up, and some of them have the potential to be very dangerous. It is for this reason that it is vitally important, whenever possible, to recognize when we begin to approach and enter into this region. All too often, however, a sailor wanders into this region without knowing it because Anger frequently looks very much like the other regions out on the high sea. At other times, sailors enter Anger not of their own volition. The winds and storms of the great sea have blown even great sailors off course. At such times, recognizing the region of Anger can be made difficult because what is visible to the sailor can look fairly calm, yet just below the waves treachery may lurk.

Challenge is a region of the great Sea of Conflict that is very close by to Anger. Because less experienced sailors are unaware that Challenge exists and where it lies, when they find that they are caught in an Anger storm they often succumb to the lashing of the violent waves. Great sailors, in contrast, know about Challenge. In fact, when caught in an Anger storm, just knowing that Challenge is just a knot or two away enables them to gather a sufficient surge of energy to carry out well practiced skills that give them a reasonable chance to reach relative safety.

With this image of the Great Sea of Conflict, please consider the following.

PARABLE OF RYAN AND BUD

Ryan decides to ask his friend, Bud, for a favor. Before he does so, he walks through in his mind what might go wrong. He knows that if Bud turns him down this will be very frustrating and make him very angry. Ryan also knows that when he gets that way he begins to start shouting and insulting people. “Man, I’ve lost some close friends when I blow up like that,” he says. “The last time I blew up Ted shouted at me that I was a bully. I’ve never heard from him again!”

To prevent doing this again, Ryan conjures up in his mind the image of the Great Sea of Conflict. To prepare himself to be able to steer his ship from the stormy region of Anger to the relative safety of Challenge, he rehearses five times in his mind a plan he would carry out in the event that Bud turns him down. He rehearses in the same way on two more days.

On the day Ryan asks Bud for the favor, indeed Bud turns him down. Ryan finds that frustration and anger is beginning to build up in the pit of his stomach and smoke is beginning to shoot out of his ears. Nevertheless, he is able to smoothly carry out his plan which consists of the following. First, he replies to Bud’s refusal by saying pleasantly, “Well, I appreciate that you heard me out. Thanks. I’m going to hurry off. I need some time to figure out my other options. I’ll catch you later.” Then Ryan gives his friend a quick nod, and leaves.

ryan and bud picture — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

This Ryan and Bud parable illustrates the technique of putting off any in depth discussion of how you are feeling with a friend while you are experiencing anger. There will be plenty of time to do this later after you have some time to calm down and to consider if any further discussion is worthwhile, and if so, the best way to wisely present your case. Because of the nature of anger, it is crucial to practice this technique if you wish to be able to carry it out during an anger arousing episode.

If you continue to follow this blog from time to time you will find that I will be encouraging you to practice some skills in various ways. This will lead you to become a master sailor on the Great Sea of Conflict.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, frustration

conflict resolution

Getting your Reasoning and your Actions to Work Together

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 25, 2012
2 Comments on Getting your Reasoning and your Actions to Work Together

In this blog, you will find suggestions for dealing with challenges that occur when someone is treating you in a manner that feels disrespectful. You may think that once you understand a suggestion and it strikes you as reasonable, then all that’s left for you to do is to try out the suggestion the next time you feel someone is treating you disrespectfully. And sometimes this can indeed happen. But when you find your emotions becoming aroused, you may discover that your actions don’t always come in line with what seems reasonable when you are in a calm state.

In his book The Expressions of the Emotions of Man and Animals Charles Darwin reports conducting the following experiment at the London Zoo reptile house.

“I put my face to the thick glass-plate in front of a puff adder in the Zoological Gardens, with the firm determination of not starting back if the snake struck at me; but as soon as the blow was struck, my resolution went for nothing, and I jumped a yard or two backward with astonishing rapidity. My will and reason were powerless against the imagination of a danger which had never been experienced.”

Darwin found that his belief in his safety if the snake struck at him was not enough to get him to act in a manner that made sense to him. Nevertheless, it is very likely that with certain forms of practice over a period of time he could have learned to respond calmly to the lunging snake whenever it was safely in back of a glass plate.

I say this not because there have been studies demonstrating this. It would be unwise to actually train people to avoid leaping away from a lunging snake. People so trained might accidentally run into such a snake in the wild and end up dead. However, there are many studies that involve people who are terrified of harmless snakes that appear in their gardens. These people continue to act terrified even after becoming convinced that the snakes they come in contact with are indeed harmless. Their fright and embarrassment at how they act have led them to seek assistance in overcoming their fear. Research has clearly demonstrated that such individuals can learn to become comfortable when they see nonpoisonous snakes, but they must do some things beyond just becoming convinced about how to act in a reasonable manner.

Similarly, to learn to act wisely when you are treated disrespectfully, once you become convinced that you want to try out a promising approach, oftentimes you will have to take some additional steps so that your actions will come in line with your reasoning.

Fortunately, you can dramatically improve your conflict resolution skills without costing you a dime. By following this blog, I’ll be encouraging you, from time to time, to place some reminders about some basic ideas on your refrigerator, and to rehearse a few fun bits with some friends. I’ll also encourage you to rehearse some ideas in the privacy of your own mind with the help of my team of artists, Lois Hubertz, Aviva Maltin, Deanna Martinez, Jack Star Rubin, and Eric Sailer.

Another free resource can be found at the very top of each of my blog post. There you will find a link that says, “FREE BOOK: DEALING WITH INSULTS, TEASING AND CRITICISM.” By clicking on that link, you will find that you can get a free PDF book that you can download on any computer. It uses America’s favorite comics to teach, in a fun manner, a number of useful social skills.

Another approach that I recommend is also free. It involves reading a novel called, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn in an ebook format that can be downloaded on any computer or ebook reader. The novel, along with its two sequels that make up the Cool Steve Trilogy, provides the reader an in depth narrative of a boy struggling to find a path toward respect despite his father being sent to prison and the violent actions of a neighborhood gang.

I hope you enjoy following this blog and I encourage my readers to provide comments, suggestions and criticism.

My Best,

Jeff

Assignment: See if you can remember what the letters in the nemonic DIG stands for. If you are having difficulty remembering, click HERE and glance over the material presented there. Once you can recall what the letters stand for, summarize a conflict you had with another person. Try to describe it in terms of what you desired, what interfered with your desire, and whether or not you felt the other person in the conflict was guilty of doing something wrong.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, Darwin, emotions

conflict resolution

Summarize and Delay

Please consider the following parable:

PARABLE OF KATE AND HER BOSS

BLOG 4 picture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Kate’s boss, Nelson, left for a week vacation in the Bahamas during a particularly busy time. When Nelson returned, he started to insult Kate because she and the rest of her team did not complete all that he had expected. Nelson’s tone of voice began to infuriate Kate.

Rather than exploding, she had a well-rehearsed plan that she enacted. She managed to keep the expression on her face looking concerned about what her boss had to say. She recalled the word DIG which reminded her to dig to look for her boss’s desire, what happened that interfered with his desire, and what he thinks she is guilty of doing wrong.

When Nelson finished yelling, Kate replied, “You’re the boss, Nelson. It’s clear to me that it is your desire that we had accomplish more work while you were gone and this didn’t get done. You feel that we are guilty of letting you down. You deserve a thorough reply. After I discuss your concerns with the rest of my team and I have a few days to think this through, I’ll get back to you.”

“I want an answer now!” Nelson demanded.

“Sure boss, here’s the best answer I can offer you now—I don’t have a good answer now. I’m sorry I’m not ready with any helpful answer just yet. I will be ready to move this discussion forward within a week.” She then looked into Nelson’s eyes and said gently, “Please give me a little time.”

Nelson frowned, and then hollered, “I better have an answer in a week or else!”

“Thanks, Nelson,” Kate replied. “I’m sorry you are disappointed in us.” Then she left.

Kate managed to calm down in a few hours. Then she began to confer with all involved.

Throughout the week, Kate and Nelson worked together on many other issues that required some attention, but both stayed clear of the topic that led to Nelson’s angry outburst.

During the week, Kate spent some time discussing what had happened with some people that she particularly respected. By the time she again discussed her boss’s concern with him, she was much better prepared than if she discussed it with him when he first brought it up.

PARABLE DISCUSSION

For Kate to express her anger at her boss while both she and her boss are frustrated could potentially silence him. It might also get her fired or decrease the chances of a promotion. By remaining polite, while also being firm, she demonstrates a respectful professional tone and buys herself time to consider the best way to respond to her boss in a more reasonable manner. It also gives her boss some time to calm down. In a few days he might even apologize on his own for shouting at her.

If a friend insults you, using the same plan can oftentimes be very helpful. Respectfully summarize the conflict using the DIG format (see March 8, 2012 blog post) and then set a time in a few days into the future to discuss it. Giving yourself a few days allows both of you to calm your frustrations and to confer with anyone else involved as well as people that you particularly respect. When you do return to your friend, you will be able to handle the conflict with far greater wisdom than if you try to resolve it without giving yourself some time for reflection.

This plan, to be done in a way that will increase how much respect others will have for you, requires practice. In my next blog post, I will discuss how to rehearse this plan so that you can carry it out even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Summarize a conflict you had with another person. Try to describe it in terms of what you desired, what interfered with your desire, and whether or not you felt the other person in the conflict was guilty of doing something wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, respect

conflict resolution

Conflicts and Frustration

Please consider the following parable:

THE MARTY AND LENA PARABLE

Marty and Lena picture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Marty got stuck at work. He calls his girlfriend, Lena, to let her know he’s going to be late for their date.

When Marty finally arrives, it’s apparent that Lena has a conflict with him. That is, she desires he be on time. When Marty arrived late this interfered with this desire. She believes Marty is guilty of being wrong for arriving late.

Conflict=DIG=Desire+Interferes+Guilt

As Lena makes her frustration known to Marty, she does so by shouting and calling him selfish and a stupid jerk. Now Marty has a frustrating conflict with Lena. He desires to be treated respectfully and Lena’s tone of voice and her name calling interferes with his desire. Marty believes Lena is guilty of being wrong for treating him disrespectfully.

We experience frustration when someone or something interferes with any of our desires. On this blog we refer to this as a desire-interference problem. When people who have this type of problem believe someone will be guilty of doing something wrong if the person does interfere with their desire we call this a conflict.

When people become frustrated, their attention becomes so narrowly focused that it becomes difficult to focus on anything other than their own immediate frustration. Keeping this in mind, we can plainly see why it is challenging for Lena and Marty to successfully deal with their situation. Lena is frustrated because she wanted Marty to arrive on time. Her frustration leads to her narrowly focusing on Marty’s lateness. Any effort by Marty to convince Lena that he is not guilty for arriving late is made harder because of Lena’s narrow focus on the fact that he arrived late.

Meanwhile Marty suddenly becomes frustrated when Lena begins to shout and call him names. Now Marty becomes narrowly focused on his own frustration that he has been treated disrespectfully. Therefore it is very difficult for him to broaden his focus so he can understand Lena’s frustration. As long as Lena’s and Marty’s frustrations remain high, their narrow attention will lock them into their own narrow personal frustration and interfere with resolving their mutual conflicts.

To get a sense of how very difficult it can be to reason clearly when frustrated, consider what has happened when fires have flared up in buildings. Naturally, at such times people indoors want to get out. If they come to a door leading outside and they push on it, if it doesn’t immediately open, oftentimes they become very frustrated and this narrows their reasoning ability. This narrowing leads them to push harder and harder, and they never come to realize that the door may be open but that they need to pull on the handle instead of pushing. Because many people have died desperately pushing and pushing, many cities have passed fire laws that require all doors that lead outside to open when pushed.

To become a master at dealing with name calling, insults and teasing, we must learn a skill that is so well practiced that even when we are embroiled in frustrating experiences we can carry it out in a wise manner. In the next blog post we will begin to take a close look at this skill.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that relates what you have just read to something that personally happened to you. Include not just what happened, but also how you were feeling while it was happening.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, frustration

anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence stress

DIG for the Conflict

To become a master at dealing with disrespectful acts, an important skill to learn is to identify the reason you are being treated this way. In future blogs, I will discuss a total of eight reasons. Today we’ll focus just on one of them.

Oftentimes the reason for the insulting behavior is that the insulter has a conflict with you. If you can quickly identify the conflict in very simple, clear terms, you will help both you and the other party to resolve the underlying cause for the disrespectful behavior. Therefore, today’s blog post begins to teach you how to do this. First, I’ll clarify what we mean when we use the word “conflict.” Then I’ll teach you a simple strategy to summarize a conflict as you deal with disrespectful behavior.

WHAT IS A CONFLICT

When I look to see if someone has a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what the person DESIRES in this situation, what is INTERFERING with the person’s desire, and whether or not the person believes someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

USING DIG TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR

Suppose I suggest to Judy that she should consider quitting her highly stressful job, and she responds as follows:

blog2realpicture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Feeling that the way Judy yelled at me is insulting, I could yell back at her that she is stupid. Would that help to resolve the conflict or make it more intense?

Consider another approach. I respond to Judy in a very concerned way, saying “Wow, you really got upset about what I said. Are you OK?”

Then, I listened in a caring manner to Judy’s reply, and summarize what she has said, thus reassuring her that I had listened. I then look to see if she has a conflict with me. I do this by remembering the word “DIG.” That reminds me to look for Judy’s DESIRE, what she might think I did to INTERFERE with her desire, and what she thinks I am GUILTY of doing wrong.

Now, from Judy’s reply to me, I might not know for sure what the desire, the interfering act, or the guilt is in the conflict. So, I would ask her some questions to clarify what she wants/desires me to do differently in the future. I might ask, for example, “Judy, from what you said, I think you desire from me that I don’t give you my opinion unless you ask for it. Is that right?”

Let’s say she responds, “No, that’s not it. I think your idea that I should quit my job makes no sense. How will I pay my bills?”

Now, I have a clearer idea about her concern. However, I might not be sure why my giving her my opinion about her quitting her job would interfere with whatever she wants to do, so I could ask her in a caring manner a question or two to clarify this.

Finally, because Judy became angry with my suggestion, it seems that she thinks I am guilty of doing something wrong. So I might gently ask her about this, with the goal of avoiding, if at all possible, doing again what she thinks I was guilty of doing.

Now, it is certainly possible to have a desire-interference problem in which neither party is viewed as guilty for doing anything wrong. For example, let us suppose that after working for a few years I desire to become a nurse. I realize interfering with fulfilling my desire is, I don’t have the credentials to become a nurse. I don’t blame myself for this, but I still have to figure out how to earn the necessary credentials.

This is just a brief introduction to the DIG approach. We’ll be going over some more specifics of how to use the DIG model in future posts. For example, some of the questioning that we use to clarify what are the desire, the interference, and the guilt components of the conflict might be better persued when the angry person has had some time to calm down. But for now, I’ll just point out that when you get skilled at this model, you would show a genuine interest in people who become upset with you and that you care enough about them to try to clarify what the issues are.

There is far more to resolving a conflict than clearly identifying the conflict. In future posts, step by step, we will be learning techniques for doing so. But showing an interest in why someone is upset and clarifying the nature of the conflict are important first steps.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that describes a conflict that you had with someone. In your description, identify each of the elements of the DIG Conflict Model, that is, the desire, the interfering act, and the perceived guilt.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, DIG Conflict Model, dig for the conflict, respect

conflict resolution emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum free stress management curriculum social intelligence

Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 7, 2012
21 Comments on Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

As we interact with others, sometimes we find someone treating us disrespectfully. For example, someone might shout at us words like, “You’re a jerk!” or “You’re a piece of trash!”

It’s no secret that when we are treated disrespectfully, we may have feelings of anguish and be moved to tears. Or we may explode in anger. To deal with these rough feelings it often helps to keep the following in mind:

We have all experienced name calling, insults and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and every member of your favorite band. If someone insults you, calls you names, or teases you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.

Although being treated disrespectfully does not mean that you are a bad person, skillful handling of these types of situations can have an enormous influence on how much you are liked and respected by others, and how you regard yourself as a person. This blog, From Insults to Respect, is designed to help you to learn to handle these challenges, along with other challenging situations. And it provides, through comments and replies, an opportunity for me to learn from all of you.

To use this blog as a free psychological/social intelligence curriculum, after reading this introduction lesson, whenever you are ready to move on to the next lesson, all you have to do is scroll down past the last paragraph of the post and on the right you will see the title of the next post and then double arrows pointing to the right. If you click on the double arrows, it will take you to the very next post, which is the next lesson. After that lesson, you can again go to the very next lesson in the curriculum by clicking on the double arrows which appears in a similar place at the bottom right of each lesson, and so on. In this way, you can go systematically through each lesson at your own pace.

As you go through each lesson, there is a comment box at the bottom of each lesson, and there you can ask questions, or join others in making comments. Although I can’t promise to respond to every question or comment, I will do my very best.

So, please give at least the first few lessons a chance to see if they can help you to develop some enormously helpful skills,

My Best,
Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, disrespectful, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, free stress management curriculum, respect