RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 20, 2012
8 Comments on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM AND THE GOLDEN RULE

The last few blog posts have been devoted to encouraging readers to take a little time to stop and think about criticism.

In the most recent post, we took a look at four levels of responding to criticism. Level one is viewed as the least mature response, and each higher level is viewed as more and more mature. Let’s take another look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
Physically attacks the criticizer
Damages property

2. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
Glares at the criticizer
Threatens the criticizer
Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

deanna's — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

As I mentioned in my last blog, one reason to consider learning to respond to criticism in a way that matches level four is because people are likely to end up liking and respecting you more. But we might not want to choose to act in a particular way merely for this type of reason. Just because others think a particular type of action is “cool” might be an insufficient reason as you look within yourself to see what feels right to you. For example, if most of the students at school are tormenting and bullying a new student, you might decide that this just doesn’t feel right, and you may therefore refuse to join in.

One way that people decide if something feels right or wrong is to use the golden rule—Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

If you criticize someone, how would you want that person to respond to your criticism? Would you want the person to start yelling at you and calling you insulting names? Or would you want the person to listen in a caring, supportive way?

If the level four description is how you would want others to treat you, perhaps that’s a good reason why you might want to learn to respond to criticism in a similar way.

Assignment: Imagine someone has just criticized your taste in music. See if you can compose a level 4 response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, respect, the golden rule

conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 13, 2012
15 Comments on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete. As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you. You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.” Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Do you think you would like Pete? Would you respect Pete for acting this way? Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways. Then I asked others to watch the shows. Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism. This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected. Level one is the least liked. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings. Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
Physically attacks the criticizer
Damages property

2. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
Glares at the criticizer
Threatens the criticizer
Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town). Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature? Is there a higher level than the level 4 description? In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism? What do we really mean by different levels of maturity? We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, maturity, name calling, respect, threats

conflict resolution

INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 6, 2012
14 Comments on INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

For the past few weeks we have been thinking about criticism. We noted that one reason that criticism is hard to bear for many of us is because of the way many people often provide criticism. Because it is often provided with shouting, glares, name calling and threats it is understandable that you might start to get defensive as soon as you begin to hear someone criticizing you. But these negative actions don’t have to be part of negative criticism.

When these negative actions are used, what is the best way to respond? I recently discussed this with some fellow folks who, like me, grew up in Brooklyn. Some of the suggestions were:

Walk away because they are not worth it

Say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”

Say, “You talking’ to me!”

Say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”

Say, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.”

Roll with the punches. Until no matter what, nothing stops it. Then don’t be nice.

Say, “Your mother.”

In my view, there is as alternative perspective well worth considering. People who are masters at dealing with criticism are confident that they are fully prepared to carry out a plan that can effectively deal with insults. Moreover, they are confident that they can carry out the plan in a manner that will enhance their reputation and protect their personal freedom.

This plan can take a variety of forms. What might feel right for one person might not feel right to another. And so, here I will propose a plan that is just a starting point for your consideration.

The Plan

When you are being criticized in a manner that you don’t like, this is NOT the time to criticize the criticizer’s style. The first thing to do is to model for the criticizer a high level of maturity in responding to criticism. Here’s what that might look like:

Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style. Then make it clear that you fully understand what was said. This means that you summarize what you heard and ask if your summary is accurate. Then spend some time showing that you are thinking about the criticism by pausing, perhaps rubbing your chin and asking a question or two to clarify the criticizer’s position. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be correct, make a statement that frankly indicates the ideas have merit and you intend to use them in the future. If you are not sure if you agree, make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further. If after thinking about the criticism you feel the criticism is incorrect, make a statement designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, encouraged the criticizer to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

An Example of An Approach I Am Not recommending

After being criticized because you forgot to pick up bananas when you went shopping and the criticizer had said, While shouting “You idiot, you forgot to pick up bananas.”

“Don’t call me an idiot! Who do you think you’re talking to! You’re the idiot.!”

An Example Of More Helpful Approach

After the same negative criticism in the last example you simply reply, “You’re upset because I forgot the bananas,” said with caring in your voice. You now have shown that you have heard the criticism without returning any insults and your tone indicates you are taking the criticism seriously, and you care the criticizer is upset. If you think the criticizer is wrong for the criticism, it may not be the time to point this out. Waiting until a period to calming down might be a wiser choice. But let’s say you had an agreement that whatever was to be picked up at the store would be written on a shopping list, and the criticizer had failed to write “bananas,” you might gently point that out.

Now that you have modeled how to respond to criticism in a mature manner, wait until the insulter has had some time to calm down. Then you can negotiate from a position of strength. Begin by first asking yourself what you didn’t like about how you had been treated and how you wish to be treated in the future if a similar set of circumstances should arise. Then consider having the following discussion with the criticizer:

get even comic — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Once you made your position clear, listen to the reply in a caring way. Some of the reply of the criticizer might be negative criticism of the approach that you are advocating. Respond in a way that matches the response to negative criticism that I describe above.

This approach requires practice. I suggest you do it with a friend over three separate times over a three week period. The practice sessions would involve you pretending you are playing a part of a mature person in a play. You may feel at first that the part is not really the authentic person that you are, but with practice it will begin to feel more and more natural, especially if you are convinced that your old way of handling these situations have not been helpful.

You now have had an opportunity to look over this plan. Over the course of the following week, if you will, think about what you like about this plan, what doesn’t feel right to you, and how you would change it.

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Tags anger, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, wisdom

conflict resolution

WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 29, 2012
14 Comments on WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

In the last couple of blog posts, I have been trying to make the case that if we are to become wise we will learn to thank people whenever they criticize us, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice because criticism has the potential to make us wiser (see post titled Criticism and Wisdom). If this is so, why do so many of us feel insulted when we hear someone providing criticism to us? Today we will discuss three reasons for this and why it is important to come to understand them.

The Style that Criticism has been Provided to us in the Past

One reason is that when we think about the times criticism was provided to us, something that struck us as mean occurred at the same time.

Perhaps Ed recalls how, when he was young some bullies would shove and slug him while at the same time criticizing his glasses.

bully criticism — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Perhaps Ed recalls how his mom, whenever she criticized him, yelled, called him names, threatened him, and smacked him on his rear end.

If such negative actions have been paired with criticism often enough, criticism does become associated with uncomfortable feelings. The feelings and the criticism blend together.

But even if these negative actions were not part of your personal experiences, you may still find yourself feeling insulted and experiencing defensiveness whenever you are criticized. There are two reasons for this—we have an inherent desire to be liked and to maintain freedom.

Being Liked and Criticism

It is no secret we desire to be liked. People don’t only desire to be liked, they desire that their clothes, their appearance and their actions are liked as well. When people provide negative criticism to us they are telling us there is something about us they don’t like.

Because the vast majority of people have the desire to be liked, it has led some to put forth the theory that in ancient days people who were not liked were banished from the tribe. Those who were banished were less likely to survive in the wild on their own and therefor were less likely to pass on their genes to the next generation. In contrast, those who were concerned about being liked and therefore worked hard to find ways to become liked were less likely to be banished from the tribe and therefore were more likely to survive. Thus, the desire to be liked became more likely to occur in the human species.

Maintaining Your Freedom and Criticism

People desire to be free to make their own decisions. When people criticize us, it suggests that they desire that we make some change. Oftentimes a criticism is provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will.

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness. In the conflict resolution literature the feelings and actions that come along with the desire to resist a loss of freedom is often referred to as “reactance.”

Why Bother to Learn the Reasons Criticism is so Hard to Bear

Learning that criticism is a path toward wisdom prods us to seek ways to hear criticism without becoming defensive and to design our criticism of others in a manner that will lessen the likelihood that they will become defensive. The first step toward this goal is to understand the reasons why criticism is often very difficult for us.

One reason we become defensive upon hearing criticism is because the way we were provided criticism in the past struck us as mean. Understanding this can prompt us to start thinking about how we can negotiate ways to be provided criticism in a more comfortable manner. Moreover, it can help us to design our criticism of others in a manner that will be better received.

To become aware that when people are criticized their desire to be liked and to maintain their freedom may become threatened can also be very helpful. There are styles of providing criticism that lesson defensiveness. Moreover, as we receive criticism, there are styles of thinking and responding that will lead to enhancing our reputation and to protect our freedom. In next week’s blog post we will delve further into these issues.

ASSIGNMENT: Recall a time someone angrily criticized you. How did you feel, and what did you reply? Now that you have read this post, see if you can come up with a better reply then the one you used. If you can, describe why you think it would be better.

Tags bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, wisdom

conflict resolution

CRITICISM AND WISDOM

In my last blog post we began to take up the question, “Is criticism bad?” There, we concluded with a King Solomon proverb that declares that if you criticize the wise man he will love you and become even wiser.

SHOUTING cropped — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Now I understand that for many people the idea of criticism is joined with the way criticism has been presented to them over the years. For many, criticism has come along with shouting, name calling, threats, punishment, a slap in the face, or even worse. It is therefore understandable that for many the whole idea of criticism includes such actions and how they feel when they meet up with such actions. This blog will soon be addressing the various actions and feelings that too often show up alongside criticism and what can be done about them. But, for today, let’s see if we can look at criticism without these complicating issues.

John Stuart Mill wrote back in 1859, a brilliant little book titled On Liberty. There he declares, like the Solomon proverb, that there is great value that comes from criticism.

Mill crop — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…” Mr. Mill does not merely declare that this is so; he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position. For example:

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it: for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

I suggest printing these words of Mr. Mill out and sticking the printout on your refrigerator door. Let this be an aid to remind you to reread Mill’s words three or four times over the course of the following week. Deepening your understanding of the principles that exist in these words is an essential step toward learning how to foster respect within yourself, and from others.

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Tags bullies, bully, bullying, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, John Stuart Mill on Liberty, King Solomon proverb, wisdom

conflict resolution

IS CRITICISM BAD?

In the last blog post, when Marie became frustrated at Carl’s opinion, she criticized it by shouting at Carl and calling him names.

Marie criticizing Carl very new — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Carl ended up feeling insulted. I then criticized Marie’s style of criticism.

Although I know that sometimes people, when criticized, feel insulted, sometimes when I’m doing my counseling routine, I criticize anyway.

counselor — Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“Are you saying I did something wrong?!” Barbara shouts.

Some say about criticism, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all! An alternative position is that criticism is the mechanism by which better solutions are found and better decisions are made.

To answer the question “Is criticism bad?” we have to first make sure we understand what “criticism” is.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY CRITICISM?

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE 2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in all capital letters. This is the main idea regarding this concept. Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the words negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations.

Some people believe only negative criticism can start a conflict. But even positive criticism can lead to a conflict.

The Head of a Law Firm Parable

Linda is the head of a big law firm. One day she writes an argument defending one of her clients. In an effort to improve it before sending it out to the judge, she gives it to two of her assistants, Gail and Henry, and asks them to criticize it.

A few hours later, Gail returns it to her boss with some red ink marks that point out two mistakes. In the margins next to the red marks are clear descriptions written by Gail explaining why she views them as mistakes and how they may be fixed. Linda, after carefully looking over Gail’s criticism, ends up agreeing with her, makes the corrections, and as a result believes her argument to the judge will be significantly better.

Henry, in contrast, several days later, comes to Linda’s office and says that he has carefully looked over the argument and it is great. He says, further, that he was unable to find a single fault in the argument, and then compliments Linda on how brilliant she is. Henry offers nothing but positive criticism to Linda.

Linda is very pleased with Gail’s work but not Henry’s. In fact, Linda now believes she has a conflict with Henry. The conflict can be described as follows: Linda desires to provide arguments defending her clients with as few mistakes as possible and interfering with this Henry did not find the faults in her most recent argument. Linda believes that Henry is guilty of acting wrong by providing useless compliments.

In this Head of a Law Firm parable, negative criticism was viewed as a good thing, and the positive criticism led to a conflict. Hmmm.

In closing today’s post, let’s take a look at what King Solomon has to say on this topic.

solomon new — Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

“[H]e who criticizes a wicked man incurs injury. Do not criticize a scoffer, or he will hate you; criticize a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man and he will increase in learning.”(Proverbs 9)

The first sentence of this proverb tells us that a wicked man, when criticized, injures the criticizer.

However, Solomon declares that the wise man loves you if you criticize him. Hmmm. Let’s think on this for the week, and then, in my next post I’ll return to this topic.

Assignment: Describe a recent time when someone criticized you. Include how you responded in terms of how you felt and acted.

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Tags anger, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, King Solomon proverb, wisdom

conflict resolution

CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 7, 2012
6 Comments on CHANGING HOW WE DEAL WITH ANGER

The metaphor of a sea can give us an intuitive sense of how conflict and anger are related.

Anger is like a region on the Great Sea of Conflict that can be very dangerous. When a master sailor finds she is in the region of anger and a storm begins to develop, she has already prepared herself. She has practiced some very specific skills when it was relatively safe. She knew beforehand that she didn’t want to first start to figure out what to do when she finds herself in a crisis situation. During a crisis it is hard to think clearly and there might not be enough time to figure out the most promising strategy.

Now, in real life, many people don’t see any need to practice some skills when they are in a calm state so that they can better deal with anger storms. Here’s a little story that helps to explain why people neglect to do this.

PARABLE OF CARL AND MARIE

Carl has grown to like Marie quite a lot. But on Tuesday, Carl expresses his opinion on a subject and Marie becomes angry and starts to yell at him while calling him names. Although Carl listens quietly and then tells Marie that he appreciates her concerns, inwardly he doesn’t like the way she handled her disagreement with him. Carl never shows Marie that how she has acted has turned him off.

From Marie’s perspective, she likes the way she stood up for what she believes in and admires the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. Moreover, from what she observed from Carl’s reaction, she thinks everything is just fine. She sees no reason why, when she became angry at Carl, she would have been better off respectfully summarizing his position and then, noticing the angry storm blowing up within her mind, putting off her comments till she had some time to calmly think them over.

A few days later, Carl thinks about who he should ask out next Saturday night…

Carl and Marie — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

PARABLE DISCUSSION

When Marie does not get asked out on Saturday night by a guy she really, really likes, she may not come to realize that her display of anger was the cause.

Many people don’t show others how they feel when someone begins to express their anger by yelling and name calling. Therefore, many people never come to realize fully that the way they express their anger can lead to people losing respect for them. This loss of respect can lead to losing friends, employment and promotions. Since many people just don’t see the negative reaction to how they angrily respond, the idea that they should learn to react differently seems wrong, and even unnatural.

But consider what happens when human beings have to go poop. When they are first born, they just empty their bowels anywhere. No one that I know buys the argument that releasing your bowels whenever you feel like doing it is the natural way to live, and that suppressing the urge to release your bowel movements would be unhealthy. Most of us have learned that we can learn to wait a bit until we get to a more private place to do this type of business. No real damage is done if we can get to a bathroom in a reasonable period of time.

It is similar with anger. To not wait until you get to a private place will end up leaving you in a nasty smelling icky situation that would not be at all in your own best interest or in the interest of others you happen to be with.

We take timeouts in many sports for three reasons. We want to take some time to catch our breath, to think about what has just been happening, and to formulate a plan to go forward. The wise use of timeouts can greatly increase the chance for winning. It is for the same reasons why we wisely call timeouts in an anger arousing situation.

In different sports, time outs are called in a very specific manner. In one, a flag might be thrown down. In another, a coach has to make a letter “T” with his or her hands. Those who are in charge of calling for timeouts in a specific sport must be well practiced in how to do this so that they can do so at just the right moment. It is similar with learning how and when to call time out when you become angry.

Here’s an approach for this type of calling timeout that I would like you to consider.

When you see that you are becoming angry, or the other party is, make a statement in a warm friendly manner indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further. Then, let the other person have the last words while you listen in a caring way.

We’ll be discussing the benefits of using this approach in future posts and also how to practice this skill so that you can employ it even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that relates what you have just read to something that personally happened to you. Include not just what happened, but also how you were feeling while it was happening.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, emotions

conflict resolution

The Great Sea of Conflict

Conflict is like a great sea. At various times any region of this sea can become terribly turbulent. When you get out on the Sea of Conflict, many of its regions look pretty much like any of its other regions and it’s not hard to get lost out there.

sea picture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

There is a region of this sea that is known as Anger. There, storms are particularly likely to churn up, and some of them have the potential to be very dangerous. It is for this reason that it is vitally important, whenever possible, to recognize when we begin to approach and enter into this region. All too often, however, a sailor wanders into this region without knowing it because Anger frequently looks very much like the other regions out on the high sea. At other times, sailors enter Anger not of their own volition. The winds and storms of the great sea have blown even great sailors off course. At such times, recognizing the region of Anger can be made difficult because what is visible to the sailor can look fairly calm, yet just below the waves treachery may lurk.

Challenge is a region of the great Sea of Conflict that is very close by to Anger. Because less experienced sailors are unaware that Challenge exists and where it lies, when they find that they are caught in an Anger storm they often succumb to the lashing of the violent waves. Great sailors, in contrast, know about Challenge. In fact, when caught in an Anger storm, just knowing that Challenge is just a knot or two away enables them to gather a sufficient surge of energy to carry out well practiced skills that give them a reasonable chance to reach relative safety.

With this image of the Great Sea of Conflict, please consider the following.

PARABLE OF RYAN AND BUD

Ryan decides to ask his friend, Bud, for a favor. Before he does so, he walks through in his mind what might go wrong. He knows that if Bud turns him down this will be very frustrating and make him very angry. Ryan also knows that when he gets that way he begins to start shouting and insulting people. “Man, I’ve lost some close friends when I blow up like that,” he says. “The last time I blew up Ted shouted at me that I was a bully. I’ve never heard from him again!”

To prevent doing this again, Ryan conjures up in his mind the image of the Great Sea of Conflict. To prepare himself to be able to steer his ship from the stormy region of Anger to the relative safety of Challenge, he rehearses five times in his mind a plan he would carry out in the event that Bud turns him down. He rehearses in the same way on two more days.

On the day Ryan asks Bud for the favor, indeed Bud turns him down. Ryan finds that frustration and anger is beginning to build up in the pit of his stomach and smoke is beginning to shoot out of his ears. Nevertheless, he is able to smoothly carry out his plan which consists of the following. First, he replies to Bud’s refusal by saying pleasantly, “Well, I appreciate that you heard me out. Thanks. I’m going to hurry off. I need some time to figure out my other options. I’ll catch you later.” Then Ryan gives his friend a quick nod, and leaves.

ryan and bud picture — Illustration by Deanna Martinez

This Ryan and Bud parable illustrates the technique of putting off any in depth discussion of how you are feeling with a friend while you are experiencing anger. There will be plenty of time to do this later after you have some time to calm down and to consider if any further discussion is worthwhile, and if so, the best way to wisely present your case. Because of the nature of anger, it is crucial to practice this technique if you wish to be able to carry it out during an anger arousing episode.

If you continue to follow this blog from time to time you will find that I will be encouraging you to practice some skills in various ways. This will lead you to become a master sailor on the Great Sea of Conflict.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, frustration

conflict resolution

Getting your Reasoning and your Actions to Work Together

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 25, 2012
2 Comments on Getting your Reasoning and your Actions to Work Together

In this blog, you will find suggestions for dealing with challenges that occur when someone is treating you in a manner that feels disrespectful. You may think that once you understand a suggestion and it strikes you as reasonable, then all that’s left for you to do is to try out the suggestion the next time you feel someone is treating you disrespectfully. And sometimes this can indeed happen. But when you find your emotions becoming aroused, you may discover that your actions don’t always come in line with what seems reasonable when you are in a calm state.

In his book The Expressions of the Emotions of Man and Animals Charles Darwin reports conducting the following experiment at the London Zoo reptile house.

“I put my face to the thick glass-plate in front of a puff adder in the Zoological Gardens, with the firm determination of not starting back if the snake struck at me; but as soon as the blow was struck, my resolution went for nothing, and I jumped a yard or two backward with astonishing rapidity. My will and reason were powerless against the imagination of a danger which had never been experienced.”

Darwin found that his belief in his safety if the snake struck at him was not enough to get him to act in a manner that made sense to him. Nevertheless, it is very likely that with certain forms of practice over a period of time he could have learned to respond calmly to the lunging snake whenever it was safely in back of a glass plate.

I say this not because there have been studies demonstrating this. It would be unwise to actually train people to avoid leaping away from a lunging snake. People so trained might accidentally run into such a snake in the wild and end up dead. However, there are many studies that involve people who are terrified of harmless snakes that appear in their gardens. These people continue to act terrified even after becoming convinced that the snakes they come in contact with are indeed harmless. Their fright and embarrassment at how they act have led them to seek assistance in overcoming their fear. Research has clearly demonstrated that such individuals can learn to become comfortable when they see nonpoisonous snakes, but they must do some things beyond just becoming convinced about how to act in a reasonable manner.

Similarly, to learn to act wisely when you are treated disrespectfully, once you become convinced that you want to try out a promising approach, oftentimes you will have to take some additional steps so that your actions will come in line with your reasoning.

Fortunately, you can dramatically improve your conflict resolution skills without costing you a dime. By following this blog, I’ll be encouraging you, from time to time, to place some reminders about some basic ideas on your refrigerator, and to rehearse a few fun bits with some friends. I’ll also encourage you to rehearse some ideas in the privacy of your own mind with the help of my team of artists, Lois Hubertz, Aviva Maltin, Deanna Martinez, Jack Star Rubin, and Eric Sailer.

Another free resource can be found at the very top of each of my blog post. There you will find a link that says, “FREE BOOK: DEALING WITH INSULTS, TEASING AND CRITICISM.” By clicking on that link, you will find that you can get a free PDF book that you can download on any computer. It uses America’s favorite comics to teach, in a fun manner, a number of useful social skills.

Another approach that I recommend is also free. It involves reading a novel called, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn in an ebook format that can be downloaded on any computer or ebook reader. The novel, along with its two sequels that make up the Cool Steve Trilogy, provides the reader an in depth narrative of a boy struggling to find a path toward respect despite his father being sent to prison and the violent actions of a neighborhood gang.

I hope you enjoy following this blog and I encourage my readers to provide comments, suggestions and criticism.

My Best,

Jeff

Assignment: See if you can remember what the letters in the nemonic DIG stands for. If you are having difficulty remembering, click HERE and glance over the material presented there. Once you can recall what the letters stand for, summarize a conflict you had with another person. Try to describe it in terms of what you desired, what interfered with your desire, and whether or not you felt the other person in the conflict was guilty of doing something wrong.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, Darwin, emotions

conflict resolution

Summarize and Delay

Please consider the following parable:

PARABLE OF KATE AND HER BOSS

BLOG 4 picture — Illustration by Eric Sailer

Kate’s boss, Nelson, left for a week vacation in the Bahamas during a particularly busy time. When Nelson returned, he started to insult Kate because she and the rest of her team did not complete all that he had expected. Nelson’s tone of voice began to infuriate Kate.

Rather than exploding, she had a well-rehearsed plan that she enacted. She managed to keep the expression on her face looking concerned about what her boss had to say. She recalled the word DIG which reminded her to dig to look for her boss’s desire, what happened that interfered with his desire, and what he thinks she is guilty of doing wrong.

When Nelson finished yelling, Kate replied, “You’re the boss, Nelson. It’s clear to me that it is your desire that we had accomplish more work while you were gone and this didn’t get done. You feel that we are guilty of letting you down. You deserve a thorough reply. After I discuss your concerns with the rest of my team and I have a few days to think this through, I’ll get back to you.”

“I want an answer now!” Nelson demanded.

“Sure boss, here’s the best answer I can offer you now—I don’t have a good answer now. I’m sorry I’m not ready with any helpful answer just yet. I will be ready to move this discussion forward within a week.” She then looked into Nelson’s eyes and said gently, “Please give me a little time.”

Nelson frowned, and then hollered, “I better have an answer in a week or else!”

“Thanks, Nelson,” Kate replied. “I’m sorry you are disappointed in us.” Then she left.

Kate managed to calm down in a few hours. Then she began to confer with all involved.

Throughout the week, Kate and Nelson worked together on many other issues that required some attention, but both stayed clear of the topic that led to Nelson’s angry outburst.

During the week, Kate spent some time discussing what had happened with some people that she particularly respected. By the time she again discussed her boss’s concern with him, she was much better prepared than if she discussed it with him when he first brought it up.

PARABLE DISCUSSION

For Kate to express her anger at her boss while both she and her boss are frustrated could potentially silence him. It might also get her fired or decrease the chances of a promotion. By remaining polite, while also being firm, she demonstrates a respectful professional tone and buys herself time to consider the best way to respond to her boss in a more reasonable manner. It also gives her boss some time to calm down. In a few days he might even apologize on his own for shouting at her.

If a friend insults you, using the same plan can oftentimes be very helpful. Respectfully summarize the conflict using the DIG format (see March 8, 2012 blog post) and then set a time in a few days into the future to discuss it. Giving yourself a few days allows both of you to calm your frustrations and to confer with anyone else involved as well as people that you particularly respect. When you do return to your friend, you will be able to handle the conflict with far greater wisdom than if you try to resolve it without giving yourself some time for reflection.

This plan, to be done in a way that will increase how much respect others will have for you, requires practice. In my next blog post, I will discuss how to rehearse this plan so that you can carry it out even in the most frustrating circumstances.

Assignment: Summarize a conflict you had with another person. Try to describe it in terms of what you desired, what interfered with your desire, and whether or not you felt the other person in the conflict was guilty of doing something wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, respect