Category: emotional intelligence

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anger conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

CRITICISM AND ANGER

For the past few weeks, I have been discussing the different reasons why people criticize and how to respond in a mature manner.  To become a master at responding maturely, these mature responses have to be rehearsed.  But even after a great deal of rehearsing, masters at responding to criticism occasionally find themselves becoming so angry at what is being said, that they have to call a time out.  We discussed how to do this in a respectful manner in an earlier post titled SUMMARIZE AND DELAY.

But what is a wise course of action if your best efforts to summarize and delay is ignored by the criticizer and the criticisms just keep coming at a rate that is just too much for you to bear?  Let’s take a look at a parable which points us to a strategy to deal with such a trying situation.

 

PARABLE OF MARTY AND LENA

One day Marty gets stuck at work.  He calls his girlfriend, Lena, to let her know he will be late for their date. 

Illustration by Eric Sailer

When he finally arrives at Lena’s house, he’s already irritated about how his boss has treated him all day long and he finds himself becoming a little annoyed when Lena starts to raise her voice about how late he is.  “I understand why you are upset,” Marty replies.

Lena then looks at Marty’s clothes and complains that he’s not wearing a tie.

“I didn’t think a tie was necessary for the party we’re going to,” Marty replies.  “Next time we go to a party, I’ll check with you before I pick out my outfit.”

As they leave the house to go to the party, before getting into his car, Lena pauses. “You didn’t have your car washed, and you knew we were going to a party!” she complains.  “It’s filthy.”           

Marty now feels himself getting really angry.  He had run out of time to have the car washed.  To have stopped to get it washed before coming to Lena’s house would have made him even later than he was. 

He takes a deep breath to try to calm himself, and then he begins to think about why Lena has been so negative with him.  He has practiced going down the list of possibilities, and he quickly does so now.

Is she just offering criticism to me in an effort to get me to improve? he says to himself.  There’s just too much criticism all at once for this to be the whole reason, he decides.

Is she just playfully teasing?  She doesn’t look at all like this is any fun for her.

Is she trying to impress some friends so she can better bond with them?  There’s no one around but she and I.

Is she in a bad mood about something?  That has to be it, and I know why.  She’s still angry because I was late. 

“Lena,” he says, “I think you’re still angry because I was late.”

“Yes I am,” she hollers.

“I really wish I could have been on time, Lena.  I had a very rough day at work, and now, in the last five minutes you criticized me three times—first, about my being late, then about not wearing a tie, and now, about not washing the car.  Usually I’m very interested in your criticisms.  But for the rest of the evening I’d like you to hold off on any more.”      

“Don’t give me that!” Lena hollers.  “You didn’t wash the lousy car!  What’s wrong with you?!”           

“Lena, I know you’re going to be disappointed, but I’ve just decided to spend the evening alone.  I’ll call you in a few days and if you’re up to discussing what happened this evening, we’ll do it then.  I’m sorry.”  Then Marty gets into his car and drives away with Lena still yelling.

 

PARABLE DISCUSSION

Illustration by Eric SailerNotice that in this Marty and Lena parable, Marty first attempts to sail away from the Region of Anger by gently asking Lena to hold off on any more criticism for the rest of the evening.  We will call this the “Signaling to Back-Off Technique.” Although this fails to work for Marty in this parable, the Signaling to Back-Off Technique has the potential to be highly effective.  It works best in an ongoing relationship, although I have seen it work well with people who hardly know each other.  The best way to set this up is to discuss this technique with the other person at a time when both of you are not in an angry mood.  You might say to the other party something like:

Sometimes I begin to get really upset about something you are saying.  I know that it’s important for me to hear your point of view, and I do want to hear what you have to say.  But there are times when I’m in no condition to give you a fair hearing on a particular topic.  At such times, it would help me a great deal if I could give you a simple signal for you to back off for a while.  I’ll make sure you’ll get your opportunity to have your full say on a topic before too long—almost always within a week.  But I sometimes require a little time to get my act together first.  Would you mind helping me out in this way?

If the other party agrees to the Signaling to Back-Off Technique, and I have found that most people do, together you can decide on a signal.  A friend might say something to another friend like, “Please give me a little time to think about this.”  A wife might wish to use with her husband the phrase, “Darling, let’s discuss this later.”  I know one couple who just uses the phrase, “Back off, please.”  This strikes me as a bit abrupt, but it seems to work for them.

In the Marty and Lena parable, when Lena refuses to hold off on any more negative criticism for a while, Marty decides to leave rather than listening to any more insults.

Some people think that it is best to just start yelling at the criticizer to shut up already.  This usually leads to an angry exchange and this can potentially clear the air.  But sometimes some particularly awful things are said in the exchange and events escalate into violence or lasting resentments.

Whereas the quick shouting approach may work well for some people, others find that they sometimes reach a point at which they determine that it would be best to indeed call a time out.  We do it in many sports for four reasons:  To avoid events escalating into violence; to take some time to catch our breath; to think about what has just been happening; and to formulate a plan to go forward.  It is for the same reasons why we call time outs in an anger arousing situation.

After you excuse yourself, what are valuable things that you can do to take advantage of your cooling down period?  Next week’s post will begin to answer this question.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence psychological maturity stress

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD

Over the past few weeks, I have been discussing responding to criticism.

To become a master at responding to criticism we have to learn to figure out the reason why someone is criticizing us because different reasons require a different type of response. So far, we discussed four different reasons and how to respond to them:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
  2. Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
  4. Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)

Today we will focus on dealing with criticism that occurs because the criticizer is dealing with an overload of stress.

Consider the following parable.   

Bella in the Restaurant

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Bella goes to her favorite Italian Restaurant on her first date with Gino.  Checking the menu, she starts having a desire for chicken parmigiana.  When she orders, the waiter says, “I think we might be out of chicken, but I know we have excellent eggplant parmigiana.  I’ll be right back and let you know.”  

Although Bella would prefer chicken parmigiana and thinks the manager is guilty of being wrong for not having enough chicken on hand, the eggplant parmigiana is something she would enjoy.  She feels a mild annoyance about this because she might not get exactly what she wants.  Although she is experiencing a conflict with the manager, she shrugs her shoulders and begins to discuss her day with the cute guy she came with.

Now, although Bella, on this day did not get angry, if she had experienced more than her usual amount of stress earlier in the day, even if the stress had absolutely nothing to do with what happened at the restaurant, the mild additional stress that she experienced at the restaurant when she learned it did not have the dinner she was hoping for could lead to a full anger episode.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Here we see Bella throwing over a table, but she might instead express her anger by taking it out on the boy she is with, or even you if you happened to be with her.  You might do something and find Bella launching one criticism after another at you.

When people get hot, are around a lot of noise, or have met up with one too many hassles, they oftentimes become irritable.  At such times they are more likely to say insulting things, to start shouting, or to put on a nasty looking face.

Now let’s say that you are not sure why Bella is criticizing you.  At first you respond as if Bella is simply criticizing you to encourage you to make some improvement.  Thus, your responses are beautifully consistent with level four and even level five on the five levels of maturity scale (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL).   But then you see that Bella is being far more critical of you than she usually is.  You begin to go down the list in your mind of other reasons people provide criticism besides encouraging improvement.

You begin to wonder if she is playfully teasing?  She doesn’t look like she has a little twinkle in her eyes that suggests her usual playfulness.  Instead she looks very, very, serious.

Hmmm.  You consider another possibility.  Perhaps she has a desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.  But there is no one else around that she knows.  In this setting at the restaurant this just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Is she jealous of you?  This may be a possibility.  Perhaps she thought of something about you that made her jealous. You therefore apply the skills that you learned to use in the post titled BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY.

Despite your efforts, Bella continues to be hypercritical of you.  Now what might be a helpful way to respond?

If you find that Bella begins to insult you for no apparent reason or for something so trivial that it is hard to believe she is so worked up about it, you might feel puzzled.  You might feel that you’ve been mistreated and begin to insult her back.  If she’s already in a crabby mood, do you think returning insults will be helpful?

If someone starts to insult you in a manner that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, one useful thing to say to yourself is, “Maybe the insults don’t have much to do with me.  Maybe the insulter has become overly stressed out.”

To test your theory it may be helpful to softly ask, “Is everything all right, Bella?”  Then, some empathic listening may be all that is needed.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence jealousy Lao Tzu psychological maturity Tao Te Ching

CRITICISM PROVIDED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY: A PARABLE WITH RESPECT TO THE TAO TE CHING

Last week I began a discussion about how to handle it if you suspect somebody is criticizing you because of jealousy.  Today we will begin a discussion about what you might wish to do if you find that you are insulting individuals with whom you are experiencing feelings of jealousy.  To that end, please consider the following parable from my novel, Love, Sex, And Respect.

A PARABLE WITH RESPECT TO THE  TAO TE CHING

All four characters in this parable are high school seniors.  Jeff and Steve are varsity baseball players, Cliff is the student manager of the team, and Ray is a friend who has been training to become an expert in Kung Fu.  The visual illustrations are by Deanna Martinez

“I hear you guys are having a great baseball season,” says Ray, who is sitting on the right side of the picture below.

“We were,” Jeff responds while warming both of  his hands on his teacup.    

“We lost our first game yesterday,” says Steve sadly.

 “It was a heartbreaker,” says Cliff hanging his head. 

“Anyway,” says Steve, “we do have a great team.  We definitely have the best outfield in the city—Jeff in left, me in center, and Allan in right.”

Jeff’s face begins to react with an ugly twisting.

“Jeff,” says Cliff, “whenever Allan comes up, your face cringes.”

After blowing on his cup of tea, and taking a sip, Jeff leans back and reflects.  “He just pisses me off, Cliff.  I don’t openly put him down or anything—because he’s on the team.  If he wasn’t I’d probably rag on him pretty good.”

“Well,” says Cliff, “whenever his name comes up you do put him down quite a bit just from your facial expressions.  I like him.  What’s he do that bugs you so much?”

“You know,” Jeff replies after some more thought, “I’m not really sure.”

“You’re getting something out of putting him down or you wouldn’t be doing it,” Cliff insists. 

“Well, let me see,” Jeff replies.  “It seems to have something to do with Allan being pretty close to me in baseball skills and the question about who should be respected more comes about.  Maybe it’s because I feel, on some level, that to get respect, what you have to do is, well how can I explain this?  Well, let’s say I start at this level of respect.”  As Jeff says this, he puts his right hand chest high.  “Now, let’s say guys like Allan start off about at this same level.”  As Jeff says this, he puts his left hand also chest high, while keeping his right hand there as well.  “Now, when I’m around other people, maybe I figure I have to put down guys like Allan so people think less of them.  You see, that puts them down here.” 

As Jeff says this he lowers his left hand to the height of his navel while keeping his right hand chest high.  “The more you advertise,” he continues, “how spastic and stupid others are, the more others are down here on the respect indicator.  That leaves me over here, chest high, clearly at a higher level of respect.  You see how it works.  Guys like Allan are now over here by my navel, and I’m up here by my chest.  Then, if I advertise the good things about me, it raises me even higher, like over here,” and Jeff raises his right hand over his head.  “Look at the difference.  With this theory, I end up far more respected than the guys who started off being almost as respected as me.”

“It’s interesting,” says Ray, “that your theory focuses in on people who are almost as respected as you, because in my family I have heard over and over again the saying, ‘People like to cut down the tallest bamboo tree.’  You seem to like to cut down the tree closest to your height.” 

“I’m not sure if I always do,” Jeff responds.  “Anyway, what’s really strange is that as I’ve gotten older, in my head I’ve become fully convinced that my theory is wrong because I wasn’t particularly respected as a kid when I used the ‘cutting people down’ approach with utter abandon.  And Steve, well he hardly ever puts other guys down and he’s pretty respected.  Not only doesn’t he put guys down, but he says nice things about them.  I mean, I know Steve’s right and all, but when he says something nice about someone like Allan, sometimes it upsets me inside.  I guess I’m not convinced through and through.  Something inside me still feels what Steve does is wrong.”

“Jeff,” Steve responds, “I don’t have any recollection of forming a theory of what to do about stuff like this.  But it just seems to me, now that you brought it up, that your theory, where you put down others to get respect and brag about things you do, it just don’t work that way.  Maybe sometimes some kids will laugh while you put someone else down because, while you’re ganging up on someone else, at least you’re not picking on the other guys who are listening.  And maybe their laughs make you think you’re getting respect.  As far as complimenting people, I don’t do it for any theory or what have you.  It just…I don’t know…I just do it.”

“You know,” says Ray, “I have an uncle that’s been teaching me, my younger brother, and my cousin, Kung Fu for years now.  Steve used to attend his classes when he was in junior high.  Anyway, at the end of each lesson he has us go through this ceremony.  Listening to you guys talking, well, the ceremony came to mind.  It’s kind of connected, although there are some differences, too.  Still, I think if we go through it, it might help.”

The boys all get up and go into a candle-lit room that adjoins the kitchen— one with blue walls, a dragon painted on it, a table filled with four flickering candles, and a few black and white pictures of Ray’s family members.  On the white carpeted floor are large overstuffed pillows. 

“Here, take one of these,” says Ray as he hands Jeff an unlit candle. “And you take one too, Cliff.  Good.  Now face me.  First, I’m gonna say some words.

“Can a man truly be separate from others?  No more so than can his body be separate from his soul.  There are times when others will nourish you and there are times you will nourish others.  When people nourish you this does not entitle them to possess you. 

“When you nourish others do not seek to possess them. The sage says,

                ‘Giving birth and nourishing,     

                Bearing yet not possessing,

                Working yet not taking credit,

                 Leading yet not dominating,

                 This is the Primal Virtue.’”

Then, Ray begins to light the candle Jeff is holding while saying, “When you are born, Jeff, you are given some power.  This light represents your power.  You live in Brighton Beach.  Let’s say you have many neighbors that you like to humiliate.  One day while walking, an evil wind comes blowing up Ocean Parkway and…”  Then Ray, with a mischievous, contorted face moves toward Jeff and with a sudden puff, blows out his candle.  “Oh!  Your flame went out,” Ray says.  “What can you do?”

“Beats me,” Jeff answers.

“Oh well,” says Ray.  “This is the end of this story–with you lost in darkness. 

“Now let me tell you another story.  This one begins the same way.  Jeff, you are born.”  Ray begins to relight Jeff’s candle.  As he does this, he says, “Remember, this flickering flame represents your power.  Jeff lives in Brighton Beach.  As he lives his life, he meets Cliff.  Look!  Oh, my!”  Ray looks distressed and points to Cliff’s unlit candle.  “Won’t you help poor Cliff,” asks Ray.  “He is in a difficult way.”

“Fine,” Jeff says, as he moves his candle toward Cliff’s unlit candle, but as he does so, he finds his flame almost going out.  “Look!” Jeff says while stopping his approach toward Cliff, “I tried to help Cliff and I almost put out my candle.  You see?  If you try to help someone, you could end up screwed.”

Ray smiles.  “Yes!  Yes!  But perhaps you will try again.  But this time, use a little care.  Do not move your lit candle so quickly or else your movement against the unseen air will blow it out.”

This time, carefully, Jeff moves his yellow flame towards Cliff’s unlit candle.  As he does so, his flame begins to weaken.  Jeff slows up a little more and from time to time stops, allowing his candle to regain its full brightness.  When his candle is only a couple of inches away from Cliff’s, he tilts it toward his wick.  As he does this with his left hand, hot liquid wax accidentally drips off his candle and lands on his right wrist, which is just below his candle. 

“Ouch!” he cries.  “Look at this.  I’m trying to help Cliff, and first I almost put out my own light and now I get hurt.  You see?  If you help someone you set yourself up to get into trouble.”

“Helping others does have some risk,” says Ray.  “But use a little more care and skill.  Then we’ll see what happens.”

Once again Jeff tries to light Cliff’s candle.  He watches the candle’s flame as he moves it through the air, adjusting his movements to maintain a good strong flame.  Within a couple of inches from Cliff’s unlit candle, Jeff begins to slowly tilt his candle while taking care to move his right arm away so no drops of hot wax will burn him.  This time Jeff is successful in lighting Cliff’s candle, and he’s not injured in any way.

“This time you knew what to look for,” says Ray.  “Did you feel you were in any danger as you helped Cliff?”

“No.  I got it down now,” Jeff responds.

“Good,” says Ray.  “Now let’s pretend a few weeks later Cliff is in another neighborhood and runs into Steve.  Oh my!  Look!” As Ray says this, he hands Steve an unlit candle and then points to it.  “Look, Cliff, Steve’s candle flame is out.  Will you not help Steve?”

            “Sure,” says Cliff.  Having watched Jeff’s mistakes, Cliff carefully moves his candle toward Steve and, without a mishap, successfully lights his candle.

“Well done!” says Ray.  “Now, let’s continue with my story.  One day, Jeff is walking along Ocean Parkway and suddenly an evil wind comes along and…”

Ray once again puts on his mischievous face and–puff–blows out Jeff’s candle.  “Oh, my.  Jeff is in trouble.  Is there anything he can do?”

“I guess I can go over and ask Cliff for a light,” Jeff responds.

“Yes.  Perhaps that will work.  Go see.  Go see,” says Ray.

“Hey, Cliff, got a light?”

“Well, you helped me the other day,” says Cliff, “so I guess it’s only fair if I help you.”  And Cliff, carefully, lights Jeff’s candle.

“It is nice to see you two helping one another,” says Ray.  “Now, let me finish my story.  One day Jeff and Cliff are together on Brighton Beach Avenue.  And once again an evil breeze comes along and…puff, puff.”  Ray blows out Cliff’s and Jeff’s candle.

“Oh, my!” says Ray.  “Jeff has lost his flame, and to his bad luck, the one guy who he helped, Cliff, was with him and he too has lost his flame.  Is there nothing that can be done?”

 Cliff turns to Jeff and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back,” and then he walks over to Steve.       

Graciously, and with care, Steve lights Cliff’s candle, who in turn, carefully returns to Jeff and lights his candle.

“Bravo!” says Ray.  “You see, if you do not help others, when you need help you may find that you are all lost in darkness, all alone.  But helping others can be dangerous unless done with care.  Learning to properly move the candle toward another teaches us that observing, timing, and pace are very important.  Learning the proper way to tilt the candle toward another reminds us of the importance of attitude.  The sage says:

                ‘He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.

                 He who strides cannot maintain the pace.

                  He who makes a show is not enlightened.

                  He who is self-righteous is not respected.

                  He who boasts achieves nothing.

                  He who brags will not endure.

Accept disgrace willingly.

Accept misfortune as the human condition.

         Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things.

         Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things.’”

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence jealousy Lao Tzu psychological maturity Tao Te Ching

BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY

19th century, Tihamer Margitay (1859-1922), Magyar Nemzeti Galeria (Fine Arts Museum)

Over the past few weeks, I have been discussing responding to criticism.  To become a master at responding to criticism you have to learn to figure out the reason why someone is criticizing you because different reasons require a different type of response. So far, we discussed three different reasons:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve
  2. Playful teasing,
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members

Today we will focus on dealing with criticism that occurs because someone, or a group of people are jealous of you.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the above comic, a young girl is talking about a new kid at school to her counselor.  Apparently the new kid is nice, kind, and helpful.  Such a person may be perceived as having some advantages in getting others to like them.  Perhaps the young girl in the comic is jealous of the new kid.  By the last frame, the young girl is focused not on possessing the advantage, but on expressing her dislike for the new kid who has the advantage.

It is quite a common observation that when people meet up with someone whom they perceive as having an advantage over them—whether it is that the person is taller, handsomer, smarter, nicer, richer, or more talented in some way—some people seek to cut down the person with the perceived advantage.

If someone is criticizing you, how can you tell if it is because of jealousy?  A useful clue that sometimes indicates jealousy is if the insults become more frequent whenever you are recognized by someone as doing something well.  For example, someone cute says you look great or the teacher says you received an “A.”

To create a useful example, let’s call a student Arlene.  A teacher during lunch compliments Arlene for her performance on the volleyball team.  As soon as the teacher leaves, one of the students at Arlene’s table says in a nasty tone:

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

This comment sounds like it may very well be motivated by jealousy.  What would be a wise response for Arlene to make?

If Arlene knows that although it is true that she missed some shots at the game, but still did better than anyone else on the team, would this be a good thing to mention at this time?  This type of response is likely to be viewed by the other students as bragging.  It may increase the motivation to cut her down.

What if instead, Arlene decides to let her actions during the games she plays in speak for themselves?  Whenever she is insulted by the students, she attempts to find an element of truth in the insult and humbly admits to it.  For example, after the student had said, “Arlene’s not so great, she missed lots of shots at the game!” rather than defend herself, suppose Arlene says:

Illustration by Deana Martinez

By doing this, those who have a desire to make Arlene feel down will find that they are at least somewhat satisfied.  This at least reduces the intensity of the conflict rather than increasing it, which is likely to happen if Arlene brags or replies with an insult.  There is power in being humble.  A great sage once said:

“Giving birth and nourishing,     

Bearing yet not possessing,

Working yet not taking credit,

Leading yet not dominating

This is the Primal Virtue.”

Lao Tzu from Tao Te Ching
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING THE SCHOOL’S RESPONSE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

As each school year begins I like to once again post this discussion of how I would rate a school district’s handling of an incident in which a bus monitor was taunted by some middle school children during their bus ride home.

Now, to be fair to the school district, I hasten to point out that the incident occurred several years ago, and I have zero first hand knowledge of how the district actually handled this situation.  My discussion rests on what I’ve observed from interviews with the bus monitor, reports from news agencies and my own personal reaction.

From what I’ve been able to gather, this was not the first time the monitor observed taunting and bullying on her school bus. In a TV interview, she reported that she had written referrals about this to school officials and “nothing would be done.”

According to the school district, it had at the time of this incident, a plan in place to address bullying:

“Specifically, the Greece Central School District had recently adopted the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, a systemic approach involving all community stakeholders to reduce bullying and other anti-social behaviors. The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained. This behavior is a clear violation and will not be tolerated. The district will also ensure that reporting procedures are reviewed and response procedures are systemically in place.”

Okay, so I do credit the school district for adopting a fine prevention program. And perhaps because it had only “recently”  been adopted, not all of its features can be expected to have been be fully implemented.

Nevertheless, when I heard the district say,  “The Greece Central School District has a clear Code of Conduct and all staff and students have been fully trained,” I found myself cringing.  In my opinion, if a bus monitor makes a referral about tormenting and bullying on the bus, if the monitor is left feeling that nothing is done, something is seriously wrong.

If the school district had thoroughly trained this bus monitor what would I have expected to occur in the situation that she found herself in?

In my opinion, as soon as she had heard any signs of taunting or bullying on the bus on the way home from school, she would have been thoroughly trained to make the following announcement in a loud clear voice.

“I have just observed some actions that struck me as taunting or bullying. I expect it to stop immediately.  If I hear even a hint of anything more that strikes me as taunting or bullying, I will have the bus immediately returned to the school. Those involved will be then escorted off the bus and will wait for their parents to pick them up.”

Then, if any other disrespectful behavior was heard, she would then call, via a cell phone, the school district’s administration so that personnel will be prepared to meet the bus and to carry out this plan.

This type of response would be no surprise to students or parents. In schools that have had proper training, all students, parents and staff are informed that this plan will happen under this set of circumstances.

In the event that the school bus does return back to school, all students who taunted or bullied anyone on the bus would be required, in order to be permitted to ride the bus again, to write a letter of apology, make a commitment to never do it again, and explain why taunting and bullying are wrong.

Such a plan empowers the bus monitor. Moreover, it creates a climate in which the other students on the bus would use social pressure to discourage taunting and bullying because they would not want any delays in getting home. In addition, the act of writing the letter would be used as a teaching moment, rather than punishment.

Now this type of plan would never be the sole approach to dealing with taunting and bullying.  Any bullying approach must include a more encompassing program like Olweus Bullying Prevention Program.  Nevertheless, for those following this blog I believe it is helpful for me to lay out what my expectation for handling the specific type of situation that the bus monitor found herself in. Then readers can compare and contrast my view with what they view as a skillful response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT

In my last post I discussed the YouTube video, “Making the Bus Monitor Cry.”  Let’s continue the discussion.

Why did these boys continue to say and do such hurtful things for over ten minutes?  Was it because they hoped their actions would encourage the monitor to make some improvements in her life?  This seems doubtful because their actions plainly demonstrated that they had absolutely no desire to help this woman.  Was it because they were playfully teasing her?  This is a bit more likely.  Immature people, because of their lack of empathy, may come to believe that to be successful at this game you must seek to make a person feel as rotten as you can.

These two reasons for criticizing someone—the desire to encourage improvement and playful teasing—were discussed in my last post.  Today I’d like to discuss what I believe is a more likely reason why these boys acted the way they did.

The Desire to Form a Bond with a Group by Putting Down Non-group Members

Many people have a desire to join together in a common cause.  That’s one big reason why playing games like baseball can be so much fun.  Hit a homer, or even a ground ball that brings in the winning run, and your group is patting you one the back and the fans are cheering.  When immature people express this desire, because of their lack of empathy, they can join together with others to humiliate a minority or one or more individuals who are viewed as too powerless to defend themselves.

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Sometimes we see this sort of behavior occur when a new girl starts a new school.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the bus monitor situation that we saw in the viral YouTube video, there was just one bus monitor and several boys who began to criticize her weight and to seek to humiliate her in a host of other ways.  This sure looks like a classic situation in which a group of immature individuals sought to band together in a common cause.

When someone faces these types of difficult situations, what is a respectable way to respond?  No single blog post can fully answer this question, but I would like to throw out some ideas for your consideration.  Let’s begin with a parable.

The Parable of Jason and Ron

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

As we look at the pictures of this parable, let me add some details.  When Jason says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Ron,” he looks squarely into Ron’s eyes.  Then he gives Ron a slight nod of his head and goes on his way.  Throughout the interaction between Jason and Ron, Jason remains friendly, while at the same time, self-assured.

When I was in school, one day I noticed a boy handle a similar situation like Jason.  The other students seemed to respect how the boy handled the teasing.  So I began to rehearse this style in front of a mirror over the course of a few days.  The next time one of the older students teased me, I gave it a try.  It ended up working just fine.

Now I understand that the bus monitor in the video was under a contract agreement that she could not just give a nod to the four boys and then walk away.  And so, what might she have done that was better than her approach?  Here’s one possibility.

She could have looked each of the boys in their eyes and made it clear that she understood what the boys had said–“You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t like what I look like.  I’ve heard you out.  Now you’re seeking to torment me.  If I see  you doing anymore tormenting, to me or to anyone else on the bus, we’ll discuss it together with the principal and you’re parents.”

If the boys did continue to seek to humiliate her, she could follow through by strongly advocating that each of the boys that were involved indeed have a meeting with their parents and principal.  There should be a separate meeting for each boy.  The boy who is being discussed should be included, but not the other boys who were involved.  Without the presence of those who cheered him on, each boy would be better able to look more squarely at the concerns of all present at the meeting.

It could be very helpful to include at each of these meetings some mature adult who has formed a close relationship with the teenager under discussion.  Oftentimes a coach, art teacher, or another adult who the teenager has come to respect, can powerfully make the point that forming bonds with others by playing the game of humiliating is just plain wrong.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bullied conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence Karen Klein Making the bus monitor cry playful teasing psychological maturity

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE

Those following this blog have been reading about the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism(see May 13th post and May 27th post).  How well did Karen Klein, the 68-year-old grandmother who many of us witnessed in a YouTube video, do?  There, during a 10 minute episode, middle school students hurl a barrage of criticism at her.  One asks for her address because he says he wants to go urinate on her door.  Another tells her that she doesn’t have a family because “they all killed themselves because they didn’t want to be near you.”

WOW!  These are pretty cold things to say!

Some of the boys went beyond words, poking her as soon as her sight was directed away from them.  One boy reached over and poked her on the side of her breast.

Such behavior goes well beyond criticism and enters the realm of abuse.

Karen Klein responded with periods of trying to ignore the responses and tearfulness.  After the episode was over, she was questioned by authorities and media and she came across to me as a sweet lady who went through a very uncomfortable experience.

If we were to try to use the five levels of maturity to determine if Karen Klein’s response to criticism was mature or immature, this would be rather unfair.  Yes, her crying and efforts to ignore the criticism are viewed, according to the five levels, as among the more immature responses.  But the five levels of responding to criticism are designed to describe the levels of maturity for handling just one type of criticism—criticism that is intended to help the person being criticized to improve in some way.  It is quite clear from the ten minute YouTube video that the criticisms that the middle school students were bombarding Ms. Klein were NOT intended for this purpose.

By following this blog, you will come to identify eight different reasons why people criticize others.  Once you can quickly identify the reason for the criticism, you will be in a much better position to come up with a mature way to respond to the criticism.  For example, in addition to the type of criticism that is intended to encourage a person to improve, there is a type of criticism used to play a game we will call “playful teasing.”

Playful Teasing

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, and trash talk.  You are judged in part on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game.  Their empathy helps them to realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions.  Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Less mature people, partly because of their lower levels of empathy, may think that the more awful they can make someone feel during this game, the better they are at it.  When the criticizers have themselves been humiliated by other immature people, they may come to be even more motivated to humiliate others as a way to take out their own pain on others.

If you find that you are being criticized and it doesn’t seem to be motivated by a desire to get you to improve, and you’re not sure what else may be the reason, my advice is to first theorize that it’s just some playful teasing.  If the criticism is provided with a smile, or by someone you know who likes to tease in a friendly way, you can be pretty sure that it is just for fun.  Then, if you reply with a smile and a comment such as, “That’s a good one,” it shows that you can take a little teasing without getting defensive.  If you want to take the game a little further, you can throw a friendly insult right back, like “Same to you, fellow.”  When you’ve had enough of the game, smiling and giving the other player a pat on the back can be a good way to draw the game to an end.

Sometimes you are not sure if playful teasing is the name of the game.  Then you have to be careful about throwing insults back at the insulter.  If it turns out that the criticizer’s comments are not meant to be playful teasing, throwing back insults might make the situation worse.  Here are some ideas that permit you to play along while providing you time to figure out what’s really going on.

After the first insult, consider responding in a kidding around way by crying, “OH YEAH!?”  As you do this, pretend, in an obviously joking around way, that you have become defensive at the insulter’s comment.  But then follow up your fake outrage with a broad smile.  This shows that you can play along with the insult while, at the same time, you can take a joke.

If the insulter again insults you in a manner that still leaves you uncertain if the person is just teasing, consider saying the following.  “It looks like you have some more missiles to send my way.  Okay, hit me with your best shots.  I already know that you think my nose is too big and my mother is a fool, so there’s no need to bother with those.  Go ahead.  I can take it.”

Then, if the insults continue, cry out…

Illustration by Eric Sailer

All of this allows you to continue to play along without throwing insults back at a criticizer who may not be playing the teasing game.  By the time you fall to your knees, if you still aren’t clear about what is going on, get back up and try saying in a concerned, caring way, “Listen, at first I thought you were joking around.  Now I’m not so sure.  Is everything okay?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior.  But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down the list of other desires that motivate criticism.  We will be reviewing these in coming weeks.

If you find that the person, or the group of people teasing you are playing the game of teasing in the immature manner—that is, just trying to make you feel as awful as possible—what can you do?   I suggest that you just give a quick nod at the comment and then get as far away as possible.  Then do your best to stay away from such  people.

Now, I certainly realize it is not always easy to avoid a person or a group.  Students or bus monitors who ride the school bus are pretty much forced to be confined with a certain set of students for a period of time a couple of times each day.  Or the group you want to avoid might be in your classes.  As you leave the class you might be stuck walking down the hall with the criticizers.  In such cases, when you feel that you have reached your limit of dealing with the put downs, sometimes the following approach is worth a try.

To begin, this approach only requires that you learn to say two words—Please, enough.  That’s the easy part.  For some, learning how to say these words is the hard part of this strategy.

To use this technique, after two or three insults, say, in a very serious way, rather softly, but loud enough to be clearly heard, “Please.”  Then pause for about three seconds while looking firmly into the eyes of each person who has been teasing you.  Than say, “e” using the long “e” sound.  Then, after another second, say, “nough!”  When you look into the eyes of each of the name callers, you are NOT to glare at them in a threatening manner, with your eyebrows pressed to the middle of your forehead.  Rather, you are seeking to be firm and very, very, serious.

If immediately after you finish saying this, somebody begins to insult you again, repeat the same words in a similar manner, but this time say it distinctly louder, though just short of shouting.  At this point you are seeking to communicate that dire consequences are at hand.  You must be firm and look squarely into the eyes of each insulter once again.  Then you are to remain very serious while staring either out the school bus’s window or straight ahead where you are walking, but not at any one of the criticizers.  You are to remain silent, without talking to anyone, for the remainder of the period you are stuck together, looking the whole time like you are through fooling around and enough is enough!

When the end of the time period that you are stuck together comes, immediately take your stuff and hurry away from the group continuing to look like you are very much annoyed.

The next time you see them, again, turn very serious and silent.  If the group members don’t bother you, after a few minutes you can slowly begin to reduce the tension you have created.  If the group members again insult you at any time, be silent and serious while again staring out the window or, if you are walking, straight ahead.

The game of immature name calling is kind of like a tennis game.  In tennis, if someone hits the ball over the net to you and you refuse to hit it back, people will stop playing with you.  Similarly, if someone insults you and you remain silent, often the insulter will find the game too boring to continue.

Although the style I want you to consider comes fairly easy to some, others must learn it with someone who can model the right tone and expression.  Some people I worked with over the years found it hard not to put a smirk on their face after they said, “Please, enough!”  Some came off as embarrassed while they carried out the technique.  If you are not sure how you look while carrying out each step, observe yourself in a mirror.  Also run through a role play with a couple of friends or family members and ask them if it looks right to them.  Better yet, find out who directs plays at your school.  Find out the director’s office hours, and go and explain what you want to learn.

I encourage you to avoid becoming discouraged if you end up botching the performance the first few times you try this during practice sessions.  I’ve worked with students that at first kept cracking up throughout the process.  Every one of them eventually learned to effectively utilize this technique.  Five sessions, each lasting about fifteen minutes, can usually get a shy guy to put together an academy award winning performance.

There are times when those who are doing the teasing are being so cruel and relentless, that the wisest course of action is to inform authorities such as a school principal and the police.  This may take courage, but keep in mind that if you remain silent, not only will you continue to be cruelly treated, but so too will others.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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anger conflict resolution criticism dig for the conflict emotional intelligence stress

DIG for the Conflict

To become a master at dealing with disrespectful acts, an important skill to learn is to identify the reason you are being treated this way.  In future blogs, I will discuss a total of eight reasons.  Today we’ll focus just on one of them.

Oftentimes the reason for the insulting behavior is that the insulter has a conflict with you. If you can quickly identify the conflict in very simple, clear terms, you will help both you and the other party to resolve the underlying cause for the disrespectful behavior.  Therefore, today’s blog post begins to teach you how to do this.  First, I’ll clarify what we mean when we use the word “conflict.”  Then I’ll teach you a simple strategy to summarize a conflict as you deal with disrespectful behavior.

WHAT IS A CONFLICT

dig2When I look to see if someone has a conflict, I think of the word DIG and it reminds me to dig to find what the person DESIRES in this situation, what is INTERFERING with the person’s desire, and whether or not the person believes someone is GUILTY of doing something wrong.

USING DIG TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR

Suppose I suggest to Judy that she should consider quitting her highly stressful job, and she responds as follows:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Feeling that the way Judy yelled at me is insulting, I could yell back at her that she is stupid.  Would that help to resolve the conflict or make it more intense?

Consider another approach.  I respond to Judy in a very concerned way, saying “Wow, you really got upset about what I said.  Are you OK?”

digThen, I listened in a caring manner to Judy’s reply, and summarize what she has said, thus reassuring her that I had listened. I then look to see if she has a conflict with me. I do this by remembering the word “DIG.” That reminds me to look for Judy’s DESIRE, what she might think I did to INTERFERE with her desire, and what she thinks I am GUILTY of doing wrong.

Now, from Judy’s reply to me, I might not know for sure what the desire, the interfering act, or the guilt is in the conflict. So, I would ask her some questions to clarify what she wants/desires me to do differently in the future. I might ask, for example, “Judy, from what you said, I think you desire from me that I don’t give you my opinion unless you ask for it. Is that right?”

Let’s say she responds, “No, that’s not it. I think your idea that I should quit my job makes no sense. How will I pay my bills?”

Now, I have a clearer idea about her concern. However, I might not be sure why my giving her my opinion about her quitting her job would interfere with whatever she wants to do, so I could ask her in a caring manner a question or two to clarify this.

Finally, because Judy became angry with my suggestion, it seems that she thinks I am guilty of doing something wrong. So I might gently ask her about this, with the goal of avoiding, if at all possible, doing again what she thinks I was guilty of doing.

Now, it is certainly possible to have a desire-interference problem in which neither party is viewed as guilty for doing anything wrong. For example, let us suppose that after working for a few years I desire to become a nurse. I realize interfering with fulfilling my desire is, I don’t have the credentials to become a nurse. I don’t blame myself for this, but I still have to figure out how to earn the necessary credentials.

This is just a brief introduction to the DIG approach. We’ll be going over some more specifics of how to use the DIG model in future posts. For example, some of the questioning that we use to clarify what are the desire, the interference, and the guilt components of the conflict might be better persued when the angry person has had some time to calm down. But for now, I’ll just point out that when you get skilled at this model, you would show a genuine interest in people who become upset with you and that you care enough about them to try to clarify what the issues are.

There is far more to resolving a conflict than clearly identifying the conflict. In future posts, step by step, we will be learning techniques for doing so. But showing an interest in why someone is upset and clarifying the nature of the conflict are important first steps.

Assignment: Write one or two paragraphs that describes a conflict that you had with someone. In your description, identify each of the elements of the DIG Conflict Model, that is, the desire, the interfering act, and the perceived guilt.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution emotional intelligence free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum free stress management curriculum social intelligence

Introducing a Free Psychological/Social Intelligence Curriculum

As we interact with others, sometimes we find someone treating us disrespectfully. For example, someone might shout at us words like, “You’re a jerk!” or “You’re a piece of trash!”

It’s no secret that when we are treated disrespectfully, we may have feelings of anguish and be moved to tears. Or we may explode in anger. To deal with these rough feelings it often helps to keep the following in mind:

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

We have all experienced name calling, insults and teasing, even the greatest presidents, the most talented athletes, and every member of your favorite band.  If someone insults you, calls you names, or teases you, it does NOT mean that you are a bad person.

Although being treated disrespectfully does not mean that you are a bad person, skillful handling of these types of situations can have an enormous influence on how much you are liked and respected by others, and how you regard yourself as a person.  This blog, From Insults to Respect, is designed to help you to learn to handle these challenges, along with other challenging situations. And it provides, through comments and replies, an opportunity for me to learn from all of you.

To use this blog as a free psychological/social intelligence curriculum, after reading this introduction lesson, whenever you are ready to move on to the next lesson, all you have to do is scroll down past the last paragraph of the post and on the right you will see the title of the next post and then double arrows pointing to the right. If you click on the double arrows, it will take you to the very next post, which is the next lesson. After that lesson, you can again go to the very next lesson in the curriculum by clicking on the double arrows which appears in a similar place at the bottom right of each lesson, and so on. In this way, you can go systematically through each lesson at your own pace.

As you go through each lesson, there is a comment box at the bottom of each lesson, and there you can ask questions, or join others in making comments. Although I can’t promise to respond to every question or comment, I will do my very best.

So, please give at least the first few lessons a chance to see if they can help you to develop some enormously helpful skills,

My Best,
Dr. Jeffrey Rubin