On Calling One’s Wife A Bitch

Welcome to From Insults To Respect.

Recently, a friend sent me the link for a YouTube comedy skit titled, “I Said Bitch.” It’s performed by the comedians, Key & Peele. Here’s the link.– https://youtu.be/5LGEiIL1__s.

It begins with Peele and a woman playing the part of Peele’s wife warmly greeting the arrival of Key and a woman playing the part of Key’s wife. When the wives go off together to see something new in Peele’s house, it leaves the two comedians alone to have the following conversation:

Key: Dude, I’m sorry that we’re late.
Peele: It happens, man.
Key: She (referring to his wife) talked about how we’re suppose to be in the car by 6:45 and I say ‘alright’.
Peele: Uh Oh.
Key: Tell me my dumb ass ain’t sitting in the car until 7:15. Okay, when I track my wife down 20 minutes later, she’s stepping out of the shower talking about, can I help you? See, that’s crazy right there! Can I help you? I looked this woman right in the eye, I said, “Bitch, you told me 6:45.”

As Key says “Bitch, you told me 6:45,” both look to check to make sure their wives are not within earshot. As the conversation continues, Peele double checks to make sure he heard what was said by asking Key, “You said, ‘Bitch.'” Key replies, “Yeah.”

At this point we hear the wives coming and the guys, nervous that their wives might hear their discussion, decide to go down to the basement. There, Key continues expressing his frustration with his wife, and Peele expresses empathy, and then he shares a story in which his wife had acted in a way that led to frustration, and ending with him calling his wife a bitch. But before he gets to actually saying the “B” word, he looks cautiously around to make certain his wife won’t hear.

Just then, the wives look into the basement, and ask, “What are you boys up to?”

The boys, upon seeing them, immediately change their expression from outrage to delightful cheerfulness, and claim they were just talking about looking over the new washing machine that is in the basement.

Now, in order to continue their conversation in a place their wives won’t hear, the boys go outside, climb a tree, and hiding their lips behind the tree’s limb, they tell each other about other times their wives’ actions led to frustration, and it led to calling them bitches. But each time they claim to have used the “B” word, they pause to make absolutely certain their wives won’t hear them.

The humor is created by how self-righteous they look when telling of their frustration at their wives’ actions, and their contrasting look of terrible fearfulness at the prospect that their wives might overhear them engaging in this type of conversation. Their fearfulness leads them to go to extreme privacy places so they can safely continue their conversation, ending with them going up in a rocket to outer space, and even out there they fearfully look about each time they say the word bitch to make sure there is no way their wives will catch them.

The skit works because one can imagine real people having a somewhat similar experience; though, as comedies are apt to do, the characters’ actions are super exaggerated. From their actions, I got the impression that the characters being portrayed would never actually call their wives bitches. Nevertheless, I got to wondering why the two guys would value sharing with each other various times they claimed to have called their wives bitches. Why would they make such a claim to a friend? What value would they get from this? Why would they try to hide from their wives that they are making such a claim?

Perhaps they had adopted the desire to be macho, that is to be strong and to display dominance, aggression, and to not being nurturing. If you want to be macho, you seek to settle all differences with anger and violence as opposed to diplomacy. You treat your wife with displays of being tough and aloof.

If the two characters in the skit have adopted this desire and came to believe their friend has also, then calling their wives bitches would fit this attitude. However, if you really are crazy about your wife, then, although you might want to think you are macho and you might want your friend to think you are macho, you might find yourself in a bind. I think the skit is acting out two folks in this bind. They love their wives, know well that their wives won’t respect them if they call them bitches, but haven’t managed to relinquish their desire to be macho, especially when their wives have done something very frustrating.

This macho style is something with which I personally became very familiar as a boy growing up in Brooklyn, especially as a junior high student. There was a clear exception to the violence characteristic–it was definitely not okay for a boy to hit a girl. Occasionally girls got into physical “girl fights,” but the boys stayed out of these.

When I got to high school  and began dating, occasionally, I faced a frustrating conflict I had with a girl. I would become angry and during such episodes I would cry out an insult, typically something like, “You’re acting like a jerk!” or “You’re being an idiot!” More frequently, I would have these types of angry experiences with my stepdad.

I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong with such outbursts because it seemed to me the natural way to respond to such frustrations, and there was a theory going around that to suppress one’s emotions was harmful. However, during my last two years of college, I took psychology courses that included in the curriculum reviews of studies that described conflict resolution ideas. They didn’t require suppressing emotions, were less likely to lead to the conflict spinning out of control, and were more likely to lead to satisfactory outcomes.

I found initial attempts at utilizing such approaches often failed as my anger would lead me into old habits; but in time, and with practice, I got better and better at these alternatives. And they were so effective for me that when I retired from my job as a psychologist, I decided to write these blog posts as a noncommercial way to spread these ideas for free. I’m hoping you consider giving the approaches described a try.

On this blog, what would be the type of suggestion I might offer for dealing with the type of frustrating, angry conflict described in the Key and Peele skit? First, recognize you are frustrated and angry, and feel it fully within your body. Then, before confronting your wife, decide how to handle it in a way that won’t have lasting negative effects on your relationship. Rehearse three or four times in your mind the approach you came up with, taking care that you won’t include any insults or a tone of voice that comes off as insulting. A soft voice is usually best.

Here’s a suggestion for what you might say to your wife: “I’m feeling frustrated because we are going to be late for our friends’ get-together, and you told me to be in the car at 6:45 so we could be on time. I agreed, and after waiting there for a half hour, I now come up here and see you are just getting out of the shower.”

I would then pause to let my wife reply. Then I would softly summarize what she said, and then I would wait to see if she wants to add anything more. I would then leave the conversation at this point for the time being, thus giving my wife some time to think over my expressed frustration, as well as giving me time to calm down. In a day or two, I would consider if it makes sense to further the discussion.

This approach is very likely, in time, to lead to your wife feeling you treated her respectfully because you’ve given her time to express her views. Moreover, it recognizes that an extensive discussion about the issue when you are angry could lead to saying something you will end up regretting. And what you had prepared to say will be brief enough so a three or four repetition rehearsal can be effectively achieved.

Notice that with this approach, there is no suppression of your frustration and anger. Inwardly, your feelings are there, you express them fully to yourself, while avoiding weakening a relationship you care about.

Of course, there is far more to be said about handling such conflicts, but I leave the topic here, giving readers some ideas to reflect upon.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Being machoinsultsKey and Peele comedians