Categories
Lambers Fisher Offending Someone

Unintended Interpersonal Offense: How to Handle Them

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Sometimes we say something to a lover, friend, or colleague and find we are being angrily criticized because what was said offended the listener. Regular visitors to this blog know I have discussed how to deal with criticism in a manner that enhance how much people will like and respect you (see as examples HERE, HERE, and HERE). In these posts, I made the case that one approach to responding to criticism in a likable manner is as follows:

Illustration by Deanna MartinezListen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then, with the use of summarizing, make it clear that you fully understand what was said. Moreover, you put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that you are thinking about the criticism by asking for clarification about key points. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, you make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If you are not sure if you agree, you make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

In a later post, I suggested that:

In addition to actions consistent with the above approach, the most skillful folks seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism, thus showing a willingness to bend for the purpose of enhancing the relationship. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most skillful individuals.

In addition to these descriptions, I provided many examples and practice sessions so readers could incorporate these ideas into their own approach to handling criticism.

Since publishing these posts, it has come to my attention that sometimes we are criticized because we said something that was in no way intended to offend the listener, but, nevertheless, indeed led to the person feeling offended. For example, some guy I know recently referred to a mature woman as a girl, and the woman took offense to this. The guy became defensive, insisting he fully respect women despite using that word. His tone, along with his insistence that he has no intention of changing, left hard feelings behind.

Lambers Fischer

While thinking about this, I came upon an excellent Ted Talk by Lambers Fisher titled, “What to do When you Offend Someone?“ I encourage folks to give it a listen. Here, I will discuss the two suggestions of his that I view as most helpful.

The First Suggestion

As Lambers Fisher puts it:

What’s offensive is not always about an absolute list of rights or wrongs, but more often something that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you’ve unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

So, as I interpret this point, we will first learn and come to fully accept and expect that people do become offended at things that may surprise us. In the example that I gave of a woman being offended because a guy referred to her as a girl, if you deeply learn this principle, you wouldn’t get stuck in the shock that she was upset about this. You would, instead, accept that this indeed offended her, and in a caring, compassionate manner seek to learn from her why she finds it offensive.

I remember my mother, who worked in a Wall Street bank as a secretary, would come home from time to time very upset explaining that one of the bankers got “fresh” with her. I learned that that meant someone did something very sexually objectionable to her. That left an awful feeling in her, and if those guys had been calling the secretaries “girls” maybe the association with that word and the sexual behavior might have stayed with her and brought with it fear of harm.

Whatever the reason, if you care about the relationship, rather than be stuck in the shock of finding out the offended person is offended, learn instead to express empathy regarding the feelings of the offended person. Letting the offended person know you intend to no longer repeat the offense is a great way to strengthen the relationship.

The Second Suggestion

Lambers Fisher puts it this way:

If you are informed that you’ve unintentionally offended someone and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how you didn’t know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration. “How could you not know? Everybody knows that that’s offensive.” 

Lambers encourages us to accept that there’s nothing everyone knows. Trying to convince the offended party of this when they are feeling offended is only likely to increase anger and frustration. If we can learn to accept the accusation without becoming defensive, and instead frame it as an opportunity to reduce our ignorance and the likelihood of the next offense, we are in a much better position to maintain, and even enhance, positive relationships.

Unfortunately, merely hearing a set of suggestions in a Ted Talk is unlikely to produce highly satisfying improved behavior. If these suggestions are to be truly used in the midst of some anger being expressed by the offended party typically you must practice it in a pleasant nonthreatening situation. To that end, I encourage you to find a partner who will act out with you a few scenarios that display an offended person reacting angrily while you employ the suggestions. Do this three or four times over several days, and you very likely will notice a distinct improvement in your skillfulness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Learning to be Wise

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

For those of us who seek to be respected, increasing our wisdom offers a promising path. In thinking about this, I recall a paragraph by John Stewart Mill:

John Stuart Mill

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. 

It’s not easy for many people to listen carefully to someone criticizing them, but I have found it is a skill that can be learned, and very much worth the effort. I offer free suggestions for going about doing this in a variety of my earlier posts (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). It requires a few weeks of effort, but it is well worth your time.

In thinking about other aspects of what it means to be wise, it might be worthwhile to think about how some thoughtful people define it. Over the years, having read quite a few such definitions, I have come to view it as follows:

Individuals who tend to act wisely can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining open and civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, while continuing to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful short term and long term accomplishments.

If you want to see how other thoughtful writers define wisdom, I recommend an article titled “Wisdom: Meaning, Structure, Types, Arguments, and Future Concerns.” There you will find all the definitions of wisdom offered by leading minds throughout history. Reading these definitions, might, by itself lead you to take some important steps toward approaching wisdom. Here’s a suggestion that may help to more deeply consider how such definitions might lead to incorporate principles of wisdom into your own life.

Write down a personal concern that you have, one in which you have not yet decided how best to deal with. Then write out how you imagine you will deal with it. Then, read over a few definitions of wisdom, and then try to utilize some aspect of the definition for dealing with your concern. Write out specifically what you will do differently in light of the definition.

Do this exercise with other concerns over the following four weeks. By doing so, I think you will find yourself beginning to beneficially incorporate principles of wisdom into your life.

Finally, to increase your wisdom, seek to improve how kind you are to others and yourself.

So, there you have it, my suggestions this week for turning insults to respect.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE

Categories
Conceit Negative human characteristic

Bob Dylan’s Song, “Disease of Conceit”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Our topic today–conceit.

If you are seeking to be respected, actions by you that suggest to others that you are conceited are probably not helpful. To increase your motivation to change such behaviors, listening to Bob Dylan’s emotionally powerful song, “Disease of Conceit,” just might help.

The song appears on Bob’s 1989 album, Oh Mercy. The first verse tells us,

There’s a whole lot of people suffering tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people struggling tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right down the highway
Straight down the line
Rips into your senses
Through your body and your mind
Nothing about it that’s sweet
The disease of conceit

Wow, calling conceit a disease, and then pairing it with words like “suffering,” “struggling,” and “rips into your senses” evokes strikingly negative feelings toward this fairly common human characteristic. Makes one wonder why Bob viewed it as so awful.

In the bridge of Dylan’s song, he sings;

Conceit is a disease
That the doctors got no cure
They’ve done a lot of research on it
But what it is, they’re still not sure

Hmm. Well, if doctors have little to offer on this topic, maybe others do. To find out I turned to my immediate family–my wife, Andrea, and our two sons, Lennon and Jack. “What does being conceited mean to you, is it a negative attribute, and if so, why?” Here are their replies:

Lennon: When I think of the word conceited, I generally think of it as the opposite of being humble. Where it gets tricky is exploring the difference between being conceited and being self-confident. While I might respect somebody who is self-confident, I might dislike somebody I consider to be conceited. 

The first difference would depend on if I think the person’s self-confidence was justified or not. The second difference would be based on how I feel the person projects that confidence energetically. If they do it in a way that rubs me the wrong way, I’ll be more likely to classify them as conceited rather than as self-confident. But perhaps “arrogant” is a better word for somebody whose confidence is justified, but they throw it in the faces of others in a way that ruffles their feathers.

Jack: I’d say conceited means being full of yourself or arrogant. When the word conceited is used I feel it’s usually used to describe someone in a negative way – possibly based in the person acting like they’re better than other people rather than just feeling self-confident which would be a more positive or neutral quality.

Andrea: Conceit typically feels like a cover-up to me. Boastfulness suggests an insecurity that needs soothing. Upon a first meeting, I’m likely to wonder about this. If, in time, it continues, it might start to be annoying.

Well, now that we have reactions from my family members, let’s see what else Bob’s song has to offer. His next verse goes:

There’s a whole lot of hearts breaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of hearts shaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Steps into your room
Eats your soul
Over your senses
You have no control
Ain’t nothing too discreet
About the disease of conceit

These words give me the impression Bob has had some pretty tough experiences when it comes to dealing with conceit. Perhaps either he, or someone close to him, has been acting conceited in a a pretty awful manner and he hates it.

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

My experience with conceit hasn’t been as dramatic. I find most of the people I know who come off as conceited strike me as insecure, but are pretty decent folks, nevertheless. I do think they might be better off canning the bragging. Perhaps the drama of the song grabs our attention to focus on this.

It seems to me people are most likely to come off as conceited when they have a great success. They might, for instance brag about their great skill in bringing about the success. In contrast, consider how Abraham Lincoln, upon hearing the news that he had won the 1864 presidential election, responded to his supporters:

I am thankful to God for this approval of the people. But while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one; but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.

Here we don’t see Old Abe boasting of having amazing skills that outwitted the opposition. Rather, he strikes a humble tone, expressing gratitude to some higher power and the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity. Others, upon some success, express gratitude to specific individuals who helped them along the way. I like that.

Well, there you have it, some thoughtful words from Bob Dylan, and a few others, that hopefully motivates all of us to be weary of coming across as conceited. Yes, it’s often tempting to blow our own horn. Nevertheless, perhaps there are better approaches to enhance respect. The dramatic words of Bob’s song hopefully motivates us to look within and then consider if we might be wise to make changes.

My Best
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward toe mindful the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Insulting Trump

Insulting Trump Supporters: Wise or Foolish?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

In my last post, I made the following argument: Supporters of Kamala Harris would be wise to seek to make friends with Trump supporters rather than to demean them. Here’s my approach for doing this.

I explain to his supporters that I get why they are awfully angry about such things as the prices at the supermarket and the situation at our southern border. I also explain to them that I recognize that most of Trump’s supporters who are angry about these issues are wonderful Americans. They consist of some of my dear friends, and even several family members that I love dearly.

They also include many crucial members of our communities, such as nurses who are tending to the sick, law enforcement workers keeping our neighborhoods safe, brave military personnel protecting us from would-be foreign invaders, and waiters and waitresses making special meals a delight. It is just that these Americans are so angry about certain situations occurring in America that they find themselves in their fury blaming those whom they view as responsible for these situations. Each time they hear Trump also blaming those same people, they find themselves cheering.

I then pause to listen to their responses, summarizing from time to time what they are saying so they know I’m really listening.

After a few minutes of this listening, I add that in my view Democrats are just as unhappy with the cost at the supermarkets, and well recognize that when so many people are racing across our borders illegally that this does create real problems in communities already struggling to carry out basic services. At the same time, I find myself wondering if the emotional reactions of many of Trump’s supporters, along with their blaming those whom they view as responsible for these problems, by itself, is going to fix them. I propose that perhaps the best way forward is to figure how we can work together to do the necessary hard work.

For me, if I combine these words with empathic listening, it works to maintain my valued relationships and in some cases, to further mutual respect with several of my golf buddies.

Since writing my last blog post, I was delighted to hear a few speakers at the Democratic National Convention (DNC) echo similar sentiments.

Nicholas Kristof

And then, this morning, I happened to read in the New York Times an opinion piece by Nicholas Kristof titled “Here’s Why We Shouldn’t Demean Trump Voters.” Today I would like to highlight a few of his cogent points.

Early on in the piece, he quotes a paragraph of Bill Clinton from his DNC speech:

“I urge you to meet people where they are. I urge you not to demean them, but not to pretend you don’t disagree with them if you do. Treat them with respect — just the way you’d like them to treat you.”

Why does Mr. Kristof like this quote? He explains in detail,

That’s critical counsel because too often since 2016, the liberal impulse has been to demonize anyone at all sympathetic to Donald Trump as a racist and bigot. This has been politically foolish, for it’s difficult to win votes from people you’re disparaging.

It has also seemed to me morally offensive, particularly when well-educated and successful elites are scorning disadvantaged, working-class Americans who have been left behind economically and socially and in many cases are dying young. They deserve empathy, not insults.

Mr. Kristof brings this to life by telling us of a friend who is “a good generous woman” who feels betrayed by the Democratic and Republican political establishments. When factories closed and good union jobs left the area, she ended up homeless and addicted; four members of her extended family killed themselves, and she once put a gun to her own head. She views Trump as outside the major parties, and this gives her hope. Moreover, she reports hearing liberals mocking her faith when it was an evangelical church that helped her overcome homelessness.”

Mr. Kristof goes on to argue,

Working-class Americans have a right to feel betrayed. After almost 3,000 people died in the Sept. 11 attacks, we started two wars and allocated trillions of dollars to the response. But every three or four days we lose as many Americans to drugs, alcohol and suicide as died in the Sept. 11 attacks, yet the national response has been pathetically weak. The social fabric in many blue-collar communities has unraveled, and people are angry and frustrated.

Listening to the pain many in our blue-collar communities are feeling is humane and the decent thing to do. Viciously berating them for supporting Trump is not my idea of being helpful.

At one point, Mr. Kristof tells us:

FDR

I worry about Democrats neglecting their proud heritage since at least the time of Franklin Roosevelt of standing up for working-class Americans. Maybe it’s time for more educated liberals to reread F.D.R.’s famous “Forgotten Man” speech of 1932, hailing “the forgotten man at the bottom of the economic pyramid.” 

By Kamala Harris choosing as her running mate, Tim Walz, a man who can reach working-class voters with his words as well as his policies is hugely helpful. And presenting herself as the candidate who worked at McDonald’s while her opponent was exploiting his inheritance and renters, demonstrates her understanding for connecting in a positive way to all of those who feel forgotten.

Mr. Kristof closes his opinion piece with the following words:

Sure, it’s satisfying to hurl invective. But calling people “Nazis” probably won’t win over undecided voters any more than when Trump supporters deride “libtards” or the “Biden crime family.”

Whatever our politics, Trump brings out the worst in all of us. He nurtures hate on his side that we mirror.

So let’s take a deep breath, summon F.D.R.’s empathy for the forgotten man, follow Clinton’s advice — and, for the sake of winning elections as well as of civility, remember that the best way to get others to listen to us is to first listen to them.

I fully agree.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Debates Donald Trump

Why I Wouldn’t Debate Trump

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Kamala Harris has agreed to debate Donald Trump on September 10th.

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I get why politically she feels she needs to agree to it–she doesn’t want to look like she’s afraid of him. Nevertheless, if I was in her place, I would have rejected the proposal because Trump, at these events, does not debate. Yes, he shows up at these events and will listen to the questions posed to him. But then he goes into throwing insults at his opponents, brazenly tells one lie after another, and irrationally declares he can, if elected, solve one major problem after another typically within 24 hours after assuming the presidency.

When Senator Ted Cruz was vying for the presidency against Trump, he repeatedly called Cruz, “Lyin’ Ted.” Of course, when Cruz began to support Trump for president, Trump changed his tune and declared, “He’s not Lyin’ Ted anymore, he’s beautiful Ted. I call him Texas Ted.” Trump does this so frequently, Wikipedia actually has a separate page for all of Trump’s insults.

He has already called Vice President Harris, Comrade Harris, while lying that she is a communist. Other insults thrown at Harris by Trump are, according to the Wikipedia page, “Crazy Kamala,” and “Lyin’ Kamala Harris.” Of course his favorite lie is that he won the last presidential election.

Repeatedly, during this election cycle, Trump has declared that he could end Russia’s war against Ukraine in 24 hours. In previous election cycles, he declared he would end the Affordable Care Act within 24 hours of being elected. He did get elected and eight years later the ACA is still here. The Dreamers (immigrants who came illegally as children with their parents) were going to be sent back, if he got elected, and after a Supreme Court ruling, they are still here. Just declaring that you are going to make something happen is not a reasonable argument worthy of being debated. Presidents are not dictators. They must contend with two other branches of government (Congress and the judicial system) to achieve their objectives.

Not only are these types of behavior inconsistent with what a debate is supposed to be about, but it is also disrespectful. To show up to an event in which you know you are going to be repeatedly insulted and lied to, is not my cup of tea. Any reasonable arguments that are backed up by evidence that Vice President Harris will make will be declared by Trump as “fake news.” Is that really a reasonable counter argument?

Rather than to show up at an event billed as a debate with Trump, I would seek to make friends with his supporters. I would do this by first explaining to them that I recognize that they love it when Trump insults those who are working against his presidential aspirations. Nevertheless, there is no need to waste the time of the many voters who view Trump’s behaviors at debates as abhorrent. After all, Trump’s supporters have ample opportunity to hear him acting this way at all of his rallies, and there are numerous videos of him displaying his shtick readily available on media sites. I would also explain to voters that I understand why a large minority of voters love to see him act in these ways. They are understandably awfully angry about such things as the prices at the supermarket and the situation at our southern border.

I would explain that I recognize that most of these angry voters are wonderful Americans. They consist of some of my dear friends, and even several family members that I love dearly.

They include crucial members of our communities, such as nurses who are tending to the sick, law enforcement workers keeping our neighborhoods safe, brave military personnel protecting us from would-be foreign invaders, and waiters and waitresses making special meals a delight. It is just that these Americans are so angry about certain situations occurring in America that they find themselves in their fury blaming those whom they view as responsible for these situations, and each time they hear Trump also blaming those same people, they find themselves cheering.

These fellow Americans, in their fury, can’t get by their disappointment that Trump did lose his last try for the presidency. They can’t get by the fact that inflation was caused by the Covid epidemic as is readily apparent that every major country, whether led by a leader who is a conservative or liberal, had a terrible bout with inflation.

In contrast to this large minority of fellow Americans, other voters, although recognizing the serious problems our country is facing, can get past their frustration, and see that Democrats are just as unhappy with the cost at the supermarkets, and well recognize that when so many people are racing across our borders illegally that this creates real problems in communities already struggling to carry out basic services. However, people who are supporting Harris recognize, as well, that the blame game, by itself, is not going to fix our country’s various problems.

Finally, I would explain that whenever Trump puts forth a real practical proposal for addressing a problem, I am eager to respond to these. We don’t need a fake debate in which all we get, for ninety minutes, Trump’s name calling, lies and claims he can fix major problems in 24 hours. Let Trump make his case to the voters for any reasonable proposal, and we will promptly provide our response. In this way, a real debate will occur–not a fake one that would be a total waste of time.

For example, Trump proposed recently that taxes on the wages of waiters and waitresses be eliminated. The revenues from those taxes will need to be made up in some other way, for they are used to keep Social Security afloat, pay for our military, and other vital programs. Trump claims that his “drill, baby drill” policy will so stimulate the economy there will be no loss in revenues. In a real debate, the Democrats could counter this by pointing to the fact that Trump made the same revenue losses claimed when he gave tax breaks for the superrich, but according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, those tax breaks led to an extra trillion dollars in national debt. The Democratic proposal, in contrast, also is calling for the same tax relief for waiters and waitresses but would make up the revenue losses by increasing taxes on people making over $400,000 per year.

Which of these proposals makes the best sense is the type of issue that is worthy of being respectfully debated, but there would be no time for this amidst all of the disrespectful insults, lies, and irrational claims that will be presented by Trump at the Harris-Trump debate.

Categories
ADHD ADHD medication

ADHD Medications and Risk of Heart Disease

Checkup heart health with magnifying lens. Eps10. Contains transparent objects.

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

As you no doubt know, a wide variety of people are being classified as having ADHD and prescribed psychiatric drugs. The pharmaceutical industry, with its enormous wealth, promotes the use of these drugs. Supporters of this drug approach often cast a disrespectful eye toward their critics while arguing that research supports their position. Meanwhile, a large group of scientific minded individuals, without the resources of the pharmaceutical industry to promote their position, are doing their best to inform the public of a completely different set of conclusions. To move this disagreement in a positive direction, every now and then I take a look at the most current research.

For example (see HERE), a few years ago I reported on a study that suggested that:

Children and adolescents who take medication for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) show decreased bone density, according to a large cross-sectional study that appeared in the Journal of Pediatric Orthopaedics.

More recently, I reported on a study that provided the latest replication of other studies indicating that ADHD drug treatment provides no lasting benefits for students classified as having ADHD on academic achievement and social functioning. After the drugs’ short-term stimulant boost, tolerance to the drugs occurs and any perceived benefits wane. The illusion that the drug continues to be helpful even after tolerance to the drugs occurs when people try to get off the drugs. The uncomfortable withdrawal effects they begin to experience lead to mistakenly thinking that they perform much better when taking the drug. It takes time for the body to be weaned off these drugs before they can begin to return to performing as well as they were doing while they were habitually taking the drug.

Although the drugged ADHD students didn’t do any better by the time they graduated high school than the non-drugged ADHD diagnosed students, many endured uncomfortable drug side effects, such as sleep problems, headaches, stomach aches, and feelings of depression each evening when the drug wore off.

Thousands of dollars are consumed on purchasing the drugs that achieved some modest short term gains but have no lasting positive effects.

Today, we take a look at a new study that is even more concerning. Medical doctors are hired to improve their patients’ health. The earlier decreased bone marrow study raises concerns about this. The various negative side effects raises additional concerns. But this latest study really raises a red flag.

Published November 22, 2023, in the Journal of the American Medical Association: Psychiatry, is titled “Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Medications and Long-Term Risk of Cardiovascular Diseases.” Following subjects for up to 14 years, the study concluded:

In this case-control study of 278,027 individuals in Sweden aged 6 to 64 years who had an incident ADHD diagnosis or ADHD medication dispensation, longer cumulative duration of ADHD medication use was associated with an increased risk of CVD [cardiovascular disease], particularly hypertension and arterial disease, compared with nonuse.

The study looked at all ADHD medications approved in Sweden during the study period, including stimulants (methylphenidate, also known as Ritalin) amphetamine (also known as Adderall), dexamphetamine, and lisdexamfetamine, as well as non-stimulants. Throughout the entire follow-up, each 1-year increase in the use of ADHD medication was associated with a 4% increased risk of CVD. Similar results were observed when the researchers examined children or youth and adults separately. Results from the study suggest that the CVD risk associated with ADHD medication is approximately 23% higher for those on ADHD medication for more than five years compared with nonuse. This association between cumulative duration of ADHD medication use and CVD was similar in females and males. The study’s conclusion states:

The results of this population-based case-control study with a longitudinal follow-up of 14 years suggested that long-term use of ADHD medication was associated with an increased risk of CVD, especially hypertension and arterial disease, and the risk was higher for stimulant medications. These findings highlight the importance of carefully weighing potential benefits and risks when making treatment decisions on long-term ADHD medication use.

If Not Drugs, Then What

I discussed this topic extensively in another post (see HERE).  For now, I’ll just quickly summarize some of my favorite suggestions.

Search the internet with the following search terms–“ADHD without drugs.” If you do so, you will find many suggestions on how to address your concerns.  healthymeditationA daily running program and meditation are just a couple of excellent ideas that I found quickly in a recent search of this sort.

Many of the suggestions indicate that they have research support demonstrating that they are effective (see for example the article titled “Easing ADHD without Meds“). What I particularly like about having parents search the internet in this way is that they get to select from a wide range of ideas, the ones that make the most sense to them. Moreover, there are always new ideas coming out, and these types of internet searches are regularly updated.

In a school setting, students classified as having ADHD qualify for an Individual Education Plan (IEP). Getting an extra period of recess time each day on their IEP can dramatically improve their behavior. Supporting this, according to one study, levels of inappropriate behavior were consistently higher on days when ADHD labeled students did not have recess, compared with days when they did have recess. Results also showed that the level of inappropriate behavior for all participants progressively increased over time on days when they did not have recess. However, this progressive increase did not occur on days when the participants had recess.

I also recommend going to the library to get a copy of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin.  Dr. Kazdin is director of the Yale Parenting Center and Conduct Clinic and is a former president of the American Psychological Association. His approach has been well tested in solid research programs with impressive results.

Another suggestion involves asking your child’s teacher to provide you, each week, a list of the main topics that will be covered in class the following week. Then view at home with your child a lesson on each topic on the Kahn Academy website.

Kahn AcademyThis website is a resource that provides free lessons on all the topics that teachers teach in school. By having your child review each lesson before hearing it for the first time from the teacher, when the teacher actually presents the lesson in school, your child will now be at least somewhat familiar with the topic. This is called “priming” and it has been demonstrated to increase the interest level for learners and increase the likeliness that the topic will end up being mastered.  Moreover, once you show your child how the Kahn Academy website works, your child, before each test, can go back to the lesson and make sure he or she has really mastered it.

If you do not have the time to do this with your child, see what you can do to get someone at least four years older than your child to carry out this activity. You may have to pay a young teenager a little.

This approach leads to real learning. Once your child starts to make better academic progress in school, he or she will feel better about school in general.

OK, there are some thoughts on avoiding an unhealthy approach to dealing with the concerns that arise when a child is labeled ADHD. Feel free to express in the comment section below any disagreements with anything I’ve written or agreement, and if you have some suggestions for non-drug approaches, please let us know about this.

My Best,
Jeff

Categories
Insanity Mental Health Mental Illness The Rolling Stones.

The Rolling Stones On Going Insane

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

Those who experience what is sometimes referred to as a nervous breakdown can receive a great many insults as their behavior begins to annoy. The Rolling Stones’s hit “19th Nervous Breakdown” insightfully explores this issue.

The lyrics begin,

You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried you just can’t hide your eyes are edged with tears

You better stop, look around
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown

The song tells us about someone who frequently, nineteen times so far, experiences what the vocalist, Mick Jagger, refers to as a nervous breakdown. I get the sense the “talking way too loud” is annoying. Mick hazards a guess in this first stanza as to what’s causing these breakdowns–seeing too much in too few years. The character in this tale is overwhelmed.

Mick, in the next verse, provides some additional theorizing.

When you were a child you were treated kind but you were never brought up right
You were always spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealing wax

Early childhood experiences, such as being spoiled, a lack of motherly attention, and family financial difficulties can be significant stresses leading to a variety of emotional concerns. Supporting this line of thinking is an abundance of research evidence (see HERE, HERE, and HERE). 

Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical industry, along with psychiatrists who sold out to it, promotes the theory that these emotional concerns are due to a chemical imbalance. The right pill prescription, they claim, is the first line of treatment.

Because doctors in the physical health arena have become so respected because of many amazingly successful treatments dealing with physical health problems, doctors in the mental health arena find it easy to convince their patients to take a variety of pills. This financially rewording model continues despite years of negative research findings (see HERE). Hans S. Schroder, clinician and researcher at the Harvard Department of Psychiatry along with his colleagues, recently wrote:

“Our findings are in line with accumulating evidence that some biogenetic beliefs, like the chemical imbalance belief, are linked with poorer expectations for improvement, especially among those with the most troubling symptoms.”  

As the Rolling Stones song continues, it begins to express the exasperation that can occur when trying to help someone going through emotionally challenging experiences:

Oh, who’s to blame
That girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse
Oh, please

You were still in school when you had that fool who really messed your mind
And after that you turned your back on treating people kind
On our first trip I tried so hard to rearrange your mind
But after awhile I realized you were disarranging mine

It’s understandable how people can lose their patience with someone viewed as insane. That’s one of the reasons some people are super quick to encourage the quick fix of psychiatric drugs. However, in another hit by the Rolling Stones, “Mother’s Little Helper,” Mick doesn’t seem too comfortable with this. The song’s lyrics deal with the popularity of prescribed drugs and the potential hazards of overdose or addiction. The early part of the song tells us,

What a drag it is getting old,

“Kids are different today”
I hear every mother say
Mother needs something today
To calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill

She goes running for the shelter
Of her mother’s little helper
And it helps her on her way
Gets her through her busy day

We are indeed getting older, and having anxiety about this is a common useful experience, not an illness. Anxiety, when handled skillfully, motivates us to come to mature understandings about how we can live a life worth living (see HERE for a fuller understanding regarding the nature of anxiety). But when a mother goes to a doctor and expresses concerns about her anxiety, there’s an excellent chance she will have her expressed concerns translated into mental disorder language and she will leave the office with a drug prescription. That’s how the doctors make their money. How does this sit with Mick?

“Things are different today”
I hear every mother say
Cooking fresh food for her husband’s just a drag
So she buys an instant cake
And she burns a frozen steak

And goes running for the shelter
Of her mother’s little helper
And two help her on her way
Get her through her busy day 

“Doctor, please
Some more of these”
Outside the door
She took four more
What a drag it is getting old

Life has its periods of frustration. If you were brought up in a home where feeling down was viewed as something is wrong with you, it’s easy to move from that view to pathologizing such experiences. The pharmaceutical industry promotes this way of thinking with ads that depict someone feeling down, and then, following a prescription for a pill, the sun is now shining, and everyone is all smiles. There is a serious downside that comes with this approach, as the song’s next lines begin to bring into focus.

“Men just aren’t the same today”
I hear every mother say
“They just don’t appreciate that you get tired”
They’re so hard to satisfy
You can tranquilize your mind

So go running for the shelter
Of a mother’s little helper
And four help you through the night
Help to minimize your plight

“Doctor, please
Some more of these”
Outside the door
She took four more
What a drag it is getting old

Notice that two pills are no longer sufficient for these mothers. The process of addiction is underway. In the scientific literature, this process is called “down regulation” or “tolerance.” To understand this process, let’s take the example of tobacco smokers. We see evidence of tolerance to tobacco in studies that indicate fewer responses than do non-smokers to the same amount of nicotine (Perkins et al. 2001b). More specifically, we see a reduction on measures of subjective stimulation that may be viewed as pleasurable, such as arousal, vigor, and a subjective experience often referred to as “head rush” or “buzz.”

The relief that smokers feel each time they give themselves another dose of nicotine creates the powerful illusion that cigarettes help them to deal with stress. Thus, in a study published in the American Psychologist, researchers found the following: Smokers often report that cigarettes help relieve feelings of stress. However, the stress levels of adult smokers are slightly higher than those of nonsmokers. Moreover, adolescent smokers report increasing levels of stress as they develop regular patterns of smoking. For those who quit the smoking habit their stress levels are reduced. Far from acting as an aid for mood control, nicotine dependency exacerbates stress. This is confirmed in the daily mood patterns described by smokers, with above average levels of stress during smoking and worsening moods between cigarettes. Thus, the apparent relaxant effect of smoking only reflects the reversal of the tension and irritability that develop during nicotine depletion occurring between nonsmoking intervals.

drug withdrwal 1This is largely the reason why people become addicted to other substances, such as alcohol, caffeine, illegal drugs, and the drugs that psychiatrists prescribe. They all have the potential of creating for addicted people the illusion that they are functioning better than they did before they started consuming the addictive drug. During the interval when they do not take the drug they begin to experience an uncomfortable withdrawal reaction. They don’t attribute the discomfort to a withdrawal reaction, but instead, to falsely believing it is due to the return of how they would feel if they had never taken the drug.

Another part of the addiction process is that the addictive substance often is used as part of a ceremony creating a very pleasant experience. Here’s what that process is like.

Many people, when they have more than a small dose of the drug, they begin to feel sick. This keeps their intake of the drug at moderate levels. Even at these moderate levels, regular consuming of the drug tends to increase moderately the risk of negative health consequences. Nevertheless, once tolerance has been established the relief that comes from the easing of the negative withdrawal effects each time they take the drug is perceived as pleasant. Moreover, there is pleasantness from the rest of the ceremony that often involves marking the end of the work day, putting on music they love, and joining together with friends in a pleasant shared experience. In this way, people end up feeling the resulting pleasant feelings that come with this combination–the easing of the drug withdrawal process and the ceremony– is worth the minor risk of negative health consequences from the moderate use of the drug or drugs.

Although this can be an acceptable decision for many, for others, hoping they can remain moderate users of one or more of these types of drugs is disastrous, which is brought out in the last few lines of “Mother’s Little Helper.”

“Life’s just much too hard today”
I hear every mother say
The pursuit of happiness
Just seems a bore
And if you take more of those
You will get an overdose

No more running for the shelter
Of a mother’s little helper
They just helped you on your way
Through your busy, dying day

Although Mick is singing about the kinds of pills being prescribed by doctors, within the crowd of musicians he hung out with, he was witnessing some awful consequences of addiction to street drugs.

There are a variety of skillful ways to deal in a healthy manner with anxiety and its sister experiences, depression and melancholy. There are ways to make friends with these experiences.

 

Meditating once or twice a day provides an opportunity to spend time addressing concerns with little distractions. Although as we enter into meditation, we don’t do so with the intent to address concerns, they naturally bubble up from the relatively peaceful state, and our minds spend time working through our various concerns in a natural healthy manner before we become overwhelmed. Taking a walk, particularly in a place filled with nature, journal writing about concerns, and speaking to a counselor are other healthy examples.

Well, there you have it, some of my thoughts for this week provoked by two wonderful songs of The Rolling Stones.
My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Depression melancholy The Kinks

The Kinks’ “Misfits” As Melancholy

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

My previous post utilizes the Kinks song “Low Budget” to sympathetically discuss how our money woes can take a bite out of our feelings of respect for ourselves and others, while suggesting some helpful approaches to deal effectively with such challenges. The positive feedback that I received led me to see if I might utilize another Kinks song, partly just for the fun of it, but also as a way to explore some issues relevant to respect.

On this blog, I have on several occasions (see HERE and HERE) made the case for the value of transforming periods of depression into the more helpful experience of melancholy. It just so happens that the Kinks song, “Misfits,” offers us a wonderful opportunity to further enhance this pregnant idea.

After the first introduction verse, Ray Davies sings,

You say your summer has gone
Now the Winter is crawlin’ in
They say that even in your day
Somehow you never could quite fit in
Though it’s cold outside
I know the Summer’s gonna come again
Because you know what they say
Every dog has his day

These words suggest Ray is singing about you, the listener, but as I interpret it, he’s also singing about his own feelings. He’s feeling emotionally chilly with the way things are going for him. He has a desire to comfortably fit in socially, but he’s not there. You, the listener, might feel this way from time to time as well. Within this emotional state, Ray seems to be seeking to turn his attention to a more hopeful future, with the return of a warmer weather, happier period.

The chorus then goes on to say,

You’re a misfit, afraid of yourself, so you run away and hide
You’ve been a misfit all your life
Why don’t you join the crowd
And come inside
You wander round this town like you’ve lost your way
You had your chance in your day
Yet you threw it all away
But you know what they say
Every dog has his day

Here, Ray sees his difficulty is made worse by running away and hiding from it. He’s also bemoaning that there were actions he could have taken back in his day but failed to do so. Still, he seeks to bolster his spirits with the hope his day will come.

The song’s bridge tells us to,

Look at all the losers and the mad eyed gazers
Look at all the looneys and the sad eyed failures
They’re giving up living ‘cos they just don’t care
So take a good look around
The misfits are everywhere
La la la la la la

We see here Ray throwing the typical insults at those with the shortcomings and feelings he and the others are singing about. At the same time, he recognizes they are not alone; there are folks all around us having similar feelings, and they are giving up living. This giving up doesn’t sit well with Ray, so he launches into the next verse that seeks to lift our spirits:

This is your chance, this is your time
So don’t throw it away
You can have your day
‘Cause it’s true what they say
Every dog has his day

In the song, we see Ray using two approaches to deal with how he is feeling–insulting himself, and trying to lift his spirits with hopeful, positive words. On this blog, when people are singing the blues and insulting themselves, we say they are experiencing depression. One type of approach to kick yourself out of depression is to focus on some positives, such as the fact that you have company with what you are going through and keeping hope alive for a more positive day. But there is a dramatically different alternative for dealing with the blues than these two, an approach I refer to as melancholy.

Consider how musician and song writer Joni Mitchell described melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”

There is comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s just as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.

She sees melancholy as a comfortable state and natural.

At another point, Joni tells us such experience “can be the sand that makes the pearl…. Most of my best work came out of it. If you get rid of the demons and the disturbing things, then the angels fly off, too. There is the possibility, in the mire, of an epiphany.”

In a New York Times article titled “The Case for Melancholy” we learn from American writer Laren Stover about her own personal experiences. After telling us of her weariness of all those folks on the internet promising to show us how to be delightfully happy in just a few short steps, she writes:

sadness 3“Whatever happened to experiencing the grace of melancholy, which requires reflection: a sort of mental steeping, like tea? What if all this cheerful advice only makes you feel inadequate? What if you were born morose?”

Laren continues to weave her creative images of melancholy with such words as:

sadness 2“Sadness has a bad reputation. But I soon came to feel that melancholy — the word itself is late Latin from the Greek melancholia — is a word with a romantic Old World ring, with a transient beauty like the ring around the moon.”

Here’s how the great psychologist, William James, viewed the subject at hand. He wrote that many so called “healthy-minded” individuals believe that those who worry are “morbid-minded” and “diseased,” but it may very well be true that “the world’s meaning most comes home to us when we lay them most to heart.” He, himself, learned to appreciate these visits of melancholy as something of extraordinary value, and stated that,

…there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Although the pharmaceutical industry has spent millions seeking to convince us that these types of experiences are pathological, a sickness, requiring drug “treatment,” Jon Kabat-Zinn, an American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, tells us,

If we listen carefully to the body, it can teach us a great deal about what is most difficult for us to recognize and come to terms with from the past, and how we might approach our hurt with kindness and wisdom.

We can learn to respect and honor melancholy. Yes, as we do so, from old habits curses along with efforts seeking to bolster these bluesy experiences may arise. We can come to recognize them as old habits while not absolutely accepting their validity. During all of this we can learn to become friends with the underlying experience, patiently, empathically, being with them, spending time with this natural, healthy way to process life’s challenges.

Well, them are my thoughts for this week. Love to all the Kinks fans out there.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Low Budget The Kinks

The Kinks’ “Low Budget”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

This week, I spent an evening listening to some of my favorite songs from the Kinks, a British rock band that had several great hits beginning in the mid-1960s. Brothers Ray Davies (lead vocals, rhythm guitar) and Dave Davies (lead guitar, vocals) remained members throughout the group’s 32-year run. One of the songs, “Low Budget,” released in 1979 when inflation was over 13%, brought me back to a time when I was really financially strapped. And then I realized that although our most recent bout with inflation, due largely from the pandemic, has moderated, many of us are still mighty upset at current prices. So, to offer some empathy with our shared frustration, and to throw some light on dealing with money woes, I’m thinking it might be useful to discuss the Kinks’ song’s lyrics.

An early part of the song has Ray Davies telling us,

Circumstance has forced my hand
To be a cut price person in a low-budget land
Times are hard but we’ll all survive
I just got to learn to economize

I’m on a low budget
I’m on a low budget
I’m not cheap, you understand
I’m just a cut price person in a low-budget land

Here, we see Ray recognizing these times are indeed hard, but we’ll get through by economizing. However, economizing raises for Ray the concern that people will begin to lose respect for him, thinking he’s cheap. He repeats this concern when he tells us later in the song,

Money’s rare, there’s none to be found
So don’t think I’m tight if I don’t buy a round

Some of the economizing for Ray can be down right painful, utilizing the metaphors of too tight shoes and pants:

Excuse my shoes they don’t quite fit
They’re a special offer and they hurt me a bit
Even my trousers are giving me pain
They were reduced in a sale so I shouldn’t complain
They squeeze me so tight so I can’t take no more
They’re size 28 but I take 34

Now, the next part of the song gets to be fun for the audience, as Ray sings,

I’m on a low budget
What did you say
I’m on a low budget
I thought you said that

I’m on a low budget
I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land

When Ray sings, “I’m on a low budget,” the crowd sings the words with him. Ray encourages them, by calling out, “What did you say?” and then taking the mic he’s holding and stretching his arm out with it toward the audience, and the audience now all join in, singing “I’m on a low budget.” A sense of a shared community of all those going through these tight times is wonderfully created, and the audience loves it. The lyrics return to these lines several more times throughout the song with the audience enthusiastically joining in.

A few other lines that we can relate to are,

I’m shopping at Woolworths and low discount stores
I’m dropping my standards so that I can buy more

Quality costs, but quality wastes
So I’m giving up all of my expensive tastes
Caviar and champagne are definite “no”s
I’m acquiring a taste for brown ale and cod roes

Low budget sure keeps me on my toes
I count every penny and I watch where it goes

I’m on a low budget
What did you say
Yea I’m on a low budget
I thought you said that
I’m on a low budget
I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land

Money’s rare, there’s none to be found
So don’t think I’m tight if I don’t buy a round

….

I might look like a tramp, but don’t write me off
I’ll have you all know, I was once on top
At least my hair is all mine, my teeth are my own
But everything else is on permanent loan
Once all my clothes were made by hand
Now I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land
I’m on a low budget
I’ll have you all know
We’re on a low budget….

Some Thoughts

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I’m old enough to have seen some major ups and down in our economy. As a result, I’m quite hopeful that when there is a disturbing dip, things will get better. The over 13% inflation rate when “Low Budget” was a hit, eventually we went down to a more manageable 2%. We had the Great Recession at the end of the Bush administration, and during the Obama administration, the economy got back on its feet. We are already seeing signs that the economy is returning to better times, though prices at the supermarket remain hard to bear.

I do think that we would be wise to not set ourselves to rely on a solid economy to bring us the wellbeing we desire. Such a life is way too often unsustainable. It is also too shallow. We are better off, I think, to seek deeper meaning in the life we have been given, including learning that emotional suffering is part of life that can deepen our search for more sustainable meaning, rather than signs of mental illness requiring just the right pill to a happier life. Finding ways to support the common good, and learning to enhance our dearest relationships will get us together through periods of anguish, sadness, and tears.

For me, one of the saddest parts of these types of downturns is the bitter blaming of incumbent presidents. When “Low Budget” was a hit for the Kinks back in 1979, Jimmy Carter was the president. The hatred directed at him because of economic woes seemed to me unjust. He was a very intelligent, kind human being who deeply cared for his country. He did his best under hard times that in no way could be attributed to him. Despite this, the hate kept pouring in.

The economists I have read, having had time to digest the factors that led to that period of inflation, have concluded that that period of inflation began well before Carter took office, and seems to have been strongly connected with President Nixon halting the exchange of dollars for gold by foreign central banks, and Arab members of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) placing an embargo on the U.S. for its support of Israel in the Yom Kippur War.

The connection between the George W. Bush presidential administration and the “Great Recession” is considerably stronger than the economic downturn during Carter’s administration. Bush advocated for banking deregulations along with getting into two needless wars, both significant factors that led to the recession. However, I hasten to point out that a majority in congress, who were elected by a majority of the American voters, supported what Bush called for. Because we have a government of the people, by the people, for the people, if we want to get into the blaming game there is plenty of blame to distribute all around.

As for our current inflation woes, the Biden administration came into office at the height of the pandemic, which led to inflation not only in the US, but throughout the world. Russia’s attack in Ukraine that led to grain shortages was another significant factor. Blaming the president strikes me as the height of unfairness. To get through this challenging time, rather than wasting our energy on hateful blaming, we would do far better, it seems to me, if we as a nation, take responsibility for learning what we can do better in the future, economize till the economy improves, and in the words of another Kinks song, “Better Things,”

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
criticism critique dealing with criticism suggestions

What’s Better, Criticism, Critique, or Suggestion?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

My last couple of blog posts see (HERE & HERE) explored why criticism often leads to defensiveness. Shortly after I published these, one of my readers, Bob Parker, PhD, responded with an email saying,

“I liked your blog post a lot. It rings very true. I think a fine line exists between defensive reactions and introspection in this case. In my therapy practice with clients I distinguish between criticizing and “critiquing” a client’s train of thought, actions, etc. “Criticizing” is an emotionally charged word we are socially conditioned to react against out of a feeling for self preservation.”
Bob then invited me to have a phone conversation to further discuss this topic which I took him up on. Among the issues we discussed was his psychotherapy sessions approach to providing feedback to his clients. He prefaces his comments with the following words–“I’d like to make some suggestions. Are you OK with that?”

As I thought about this, my mind went to how I would present ideas to my clients over the years, ideas that could be interpreted as criticism. I’m retired now from providing direct counseling service, instead providing free recommendations about handling criticism and enhancing respect through my blog. Reflecting back to my counseling days, I didn’t first ask for permission. Nor did I bother trying to make some distinction between criticism, critique, or suggestion. Instead, I would say something like, “I’m wondering if such and such would lead to a better outcome?” Then I would listen empathetically to my client, avoiding taking the position that I was right and my client was wrong. I often would say during these exchanges, ” I encourage you to consider whatever I say as a question, rather than a statement, because what might be right for one person might be wrong for another.”

So, hopefully you are beginning to get a sense of how people differ when providing feedback. Because these types of situations can ignite anger, defensiveness, and reactance, I’m thinking it might deepen our understanding of these situations by exploring this topic a little further. So, to that end, I decided to ask my two sons and my wife two questions–Do you prefer, when getting feedback, someone first asked you for permission? And do you have a preference for the words criticism, critique, or suggestion when someone provides feedback to you? So, let’s see what they had to say.

My Older Son, Lennon

Lennon Rubin

Lennon, in his late-thirties, responded,

I think that’s a complicated question and depends on the situation, my emotional state at the time, and the person giving the criticism. For example, in my work environment, I don’t need any of my colleagues to ask permission to give work related criticism. I work in a very collaborative and professional environment where feedback is commonplace and I trust my colleagues to do it in a professional manner. However, if a random stranger wants to walk up to me to criticize the clothing that I’m wearing when I’m already having a bad day, I would appreciate them asking first so I could tell them no.

When asked if he prefers criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I prefer ‘suggestion.’  ‘Criticism’ and ‘critique’ feel too formal for the vast majority of situations.”

My Younger Son, Jack

Jack, in his mid-thirties, responded,

For things that are sensitive I prefer to be asked prior to receiving criticism. Mainly because if I’m in a vulnerable state around something the criticism potentially can do more harm than good. For things I’m not too invested in I don’t care as much. If someone isn’t sure about if something would be sensitive or not, I’d suggest they err on the side of caution and ask permission. 

When asked about any preference regarding criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I don’t have a preference. Suggestion is probably the least loaded though.”

My Wife, Andrea

The audience and tone of voice are factors for me. I’m open to hearing most criticism, critique, suggestion, or feedback – no preference there – if presented in a kind manner. From experience, asking permission to give or take feedback first seems to help soften defensiveness. Engaging in brief conversation, allows me and hopefully others, to use the information from the encounter for reflection.

My Personal Approach

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I use to get quite defensive in my earlier years, but through studying some wisdom traditions, and perhaps from just getting more mature, I’ve learned to experience criticism as pleasant exchanges and helpful. In fact, I often find it fun.

There is no need, when someone criticizes me to pull any punches, or beat around the bush, just come out with it as you like. I can see why some would prefer the word suggestion, but as for me, call it whatever you prefer.

As I discussed in my previous post on this topic, like John Stuart Mill in his brilliant book On Liberty, I have become convinced that when people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,

….let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…. In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.

And I like that this approach moves us to an authoritative approach to issues in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.

As I explained in earlier posts, to my mind a helpful response to criticism looks like this:

The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by  indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Okay, there you have it, some thoughts on this challenging topic. I’d love to get reactions from readers.

Until next time, have a great week.
My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.