Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
My last couple of blog posts see (HERE & HERE) explored why criticism often leads to defensiveness. Shortly after I published these, one of my readers, Bob Parker, PhD, responded with an email saying,
Bob then invited me to have a phone conversation to further discuss this topic which I took him up on. Among the issues we discussed was his psychotherapy sessions approach to providing feedback to his clients. He prefaces his comments with the following words–“I’d like to make some suggestions. Are you OK with that?”As I thought about this, my mind went to how I would present ideas to my clients over the years, ideas that could be interpreted as criticism. I’m retired now from providing direct counseling service, instead providing free recommendations about handling criticism and enhancing respect through my blog. Reflecting back to my counseling days, I didn’t first ask for permission. Nor did I bother trying to make some distinction between criticism, critique, or suggestion. Instead, I would say something like, “I’m wondering if such and such would lead to a better outcome?” Then I would listen empathetically to my client, avoiding taking the position that I was right and my client was wrong. I often would say during these exchanges, ” I encourage you to consider whatever I say as a question, rather than a statement, because what might be right for one person might be wrong for another.”
So, hopefully you are beginning to get a sense of how people differ when providing feedback. Because these types of situations can ignite anger, defensiveness, and reactance, I’m thinking it might deepen our understanding of these situations by exploring this topic a little further. So, to that end, I decided to ask my two sons and my wife two questions–Do you prefer, when getting feedback, someone first asked you for permission? And do you have a preference for the words criticism, critique, or suggestion when someone provides feedback to you? So, let’s see what they had to say.
My Older Son, Lennon
Lennon, in his late-thirties, responded,
I think that’s a complicated question and depends on the situation, my emotional state at the time, and the person giving the criticism. For example, in my work environment, I don’t need any of my colleagues to ask permission to give work related criticism. I work in a very collaborative and professional environment where feedback is commonplace and I trust my colleagues to do it in a professional manner. However, if a random stranger wants to walk up to me to criticize the clothing that I’m wearing when I’m already having a bad day, I would appreciate them asking first so I could tell them no.
When asked if he prefers criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I prefer ‘suggestion.’ ‘Criticism’ and ‘critique’ feel too formal for the vast majority of situations.”
My Younger Son, Jack
Jack, in his mid-thirties, responded,
For things that are sensitive I prefer to be asked prior to receiving criticism. Mainly because if I’m in a vulnerable state around something the criticism potentially can do more harm than good. For things I’m not too invested in I don’t care as much. If someone isn’t sure about if something would be sensitive or not, I’d suggest they err on the side of caution and ask permission.
When asked about any preference regarding criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I don’t have a preference. Suggestion is probably the least loaded though.”
My Wife, Andrea
The audience and tone of voice are factors for me. I’m open to hearing most criticism, critique, suggestion, or feedback – no preference there – if presented in a kind manner. From experience, asking permission to give or take feedback first seems to help soften defensiveness. Engaging in brief conversation, allows me and hopefully others, to use the information from the encounter for reflection.
My Personal Approach
I use to get quite defensive in my earlier years, but through studying some wisdom traditions, and perhaps from just getting more mature, I’ve learned to experience criticism as pleasant exchanges and helpful. In fact, I often find it fun.
There is no need, when someone criticizes me to pull any punches, or beat around the bush, just come out with it as you like. I can see why some would prefer the word suggestion, but as for me, call it whatever you prefer.
As I discussed in my previous post on this topic, like John Stuart Mill in his brilliant book On Liberty, I have become convinced that when people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,
….let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…. In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.
And I like that this approach moves us to an authoritative approach to issues in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.
As I explained in earlier posts, to my mind a helpful response to criticism looks like this:
The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
Okay, there you have it, some thoughts on this challenging topic. I’d love to get reactions from readers.
Until next time, have a great week.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Negative criticism is coming our way whether we like it or not. And within a relationship, providing it can be essential. If one of the parties is doing something that is bugging the other, keeping silent could unnecessarily lead to the relationship coming to a premature end when a constructive discussion might have easily settled the matter.
That said, there are times when someone is providing one criticism after another and it becomes too much to process all at once. At other times, someone might provide criticism that is in a style that uses a tone of voice that is hard to bear. 
Sometimes we have been recently bombarded by some type of stress, and as a result, we may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for a while. Under these sets of circumstances, it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person who is seeking to provide criticism know that usually we are very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, we need a little break (see blog posts 
So, Sarah and Bob in the past had agreed with me about all of this. And then at dinner one evening they revealed to me that within their relationship they have come to an agreement that when either one of them wants to provide some constructive criticism to the other they first ask for permission. They also prefer others who want to provide criticism to them do likewise. Let’s take a close look at this approach.
When Sarah finds that Bob has done something that she would like him to consider changing, rather than hoping Bob will at some point invite her to provide some criticism to him about that issue, she could, herself, bring the issue up to him uninvited when she thinks he might be in a receptive mood. More specifically, Sarah, before providing feedback, first checks in with herself to see if she has sufficiently calmed herself from any anger or annoyance that she has been experiencing. This is important because if she seeks to provide feedback to Bob when she is angry or annoyed, either at him, or at someone else, her tone of voice might inadvertently provoke a level of defensiveness within Bob that would be counterproductive.
Bob also uses the same approach as Sarah when he wants to provide her some feedback. Both agree that this approach has been very helpful to them. Sarah explained that upon hearing the phrase, “Are you open to my giving you some feedback about something?” it gives her a few moments to check in with herself. “Am I up to having a criticism type discussion right now, or would it be better to wait for a more apt time? If I am up for hearing it, I can take a moment to prepare myself.” Bob agreed.
At this point in the conversation, I recalled that just prior to this conversation I had mentioned to Bob that his eye glass lenses looked like they had some smudges on them. He seemed to find some value in what I had said, as he looked the lenses over and cleaned them. So, I asked him if he would have preferred, when I mentioned the smudges, that I first had asked him if he was open for some feedback. He smiled, and said that in that type of situation there was no need for asking for permission.
The conversation about this topic ended at this point, but a day or two later, we got back into it. In attempting to clarify in my own mind how the Sarah and Bob approach would work in a variety of situations, I asked Bob, “If you accidentally left your fly open, would it be okay if I just whispered to you in private that you needed to zipper up, or would you prefer that in that kind of situation I first ask if you were open to hearing some feedback?” He said that with that type of situation coming right to the issue would be fine, though it would be helpful if I said it in a non-putdown manner, perhaps pointing out that we all goof up like that from time to time.
Yes, there are times when I do feel within me some sensitive feelings upon hearing some negative feedback. Nevertheless, I’d rather deal with that than discourage anyone from letting me know, straight out, what they think I can do to improve. Moreover, I am confident that I have the skills to use those sensitive feelings in a constructive, creative manner. I also wonder if people might respect me more for being the type of person they can be straight and honest with, who gracefully welcomes criticism, and really takes the time to seriously consider what someone has to say.
