Tag: conflict resolution

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Debates Donald Trump

Why I Wouldn’t Debate Trump

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Kamala Harris has agreed to debate Donald Trump on September 10th.

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I get why politically she feels she needs to agree to it–she doesn’t want to look like she’s afraid of him. Nevertheless, if I was in her place, I would have rejected the proposal because Trump, at these events, does not debate. Yes, he shows up at these events and will listen to the questions posed to him. But then he goes into throwing insults at his opponents, brazenly tells one lie after another, and irrationally declares he can, if elected, solve one major problem after another typically within 24 hours after assuming the presidency.

When Senator Ted Cruz was vying for the presidency against Trump, he repeatedly called Cruz, “Lyin’ Ted.” Of course, when Cruz began to support Trump for president, Trump changed his tune and declared, “He’s not Lyin’ Ted anymore, he’s beautiful Ted. I call him Texas Ted.” Trump does this so frequently, Wikipedia actually has a separate page for all of Trump’s insults.

He has already called Vice President Harris, Comrade Harris, while lying that she is a communist. Other insults thrown at Harris by Trump are, according to the Wikipedia page, “Crazy Kamala,” and “Lyin’ Kamala Harris.” Of course his favorite lie is that he won the last presidential election.

Repeatedly, during this election cycle, Trump has declared that he could end Russia’s war against Ukraine in 24 hours. In previous election cycles, he declared he would end the Affordable Care Act within 24 hours of being elected. He did get elected and eight years later the ACA is still here. The Dreamers (immigrants who came illegally as children with their parents) were going to be sent back, if he got elected, and after a Supreme Court ruling, they are still here. Just declaring that you are going to make something happen is not a reasonable argument worthy of being debated. Presidents are not dictators. They must contend with two other branches of government (Congress and the judicial system) to achieve their objectives.

Not only are these types of behavior inconsistent with what a debate is supposed to be about, but it is also disrespectful. To show up to an event in which you know you are going to be repeatedly insulted and lied to, is not my cup of tea. Any reasonable arguments that are backed up by evidence that Vice President Harris will make will be declared by Trump as “fake news.” Is that really a reasonable counter argument?

Rather than to show up at an event billed as a debate with Trump, I would seek to make friends with his supporters. I would do this by first explaining to them that I recognize that they love it when Trump insults those who are working against his presidential aspirations. Nevertheless, there is no need to waste the time of the many voters who view Trump’s behaviors at debates as abhorrent. After all, Trump’s supporters have ample opportunity to hear him acting this way at all of his rallies, and there are numerous videos of him displaying his shtick readily available on media sites. I would also explain to voters that I understand why a large minority of voters love to see him act in these ways. They are understandably awfully angry about such things as the prices at the supermarket and the situation at our southern border.

I would explain that I recognize that most of these angry voters are wonderful Americans. They consist of some of my dear friends, and even several family members that I love dearly.

They include crucial members of our communities, such as nurses who are tending to the sick, law enforcement workers keeping our neighborhoods safe, brave military personnel protecting us from would-be foreign invaders, and waiters and waitresses making special meals a delight. It is just that these Americans are so angry about certain situations occurring in America that they find themselves in their fury blaming those whom they view as responsible for these situations, and each time they hear Trump also blaming those same people, they find themselves cheering.

These fellow Americans, in their fury, can’t get by their disappointment that Trump did lose his last try for the presidency. They can’t get by the fact that inflation was caused by the Covid epidemic as is readily apparent that every major country, whether led by a leader who is a conservative or liberal, had a terrible bout with inflation.

In contrast to this large minority of fellow Americans, other voters, although recognizing the serious problems our country is facing, can get past their frustration, and see that Democrats are just as unhappy with the cost at the supermarkets, and well recognize that when so many people are racing across our borders illegally that this creates real problems in communities already struggling to carry out basic services. However, people who are supporting Harris recognize, as well, that the blame game, by itself, is not going to fix our country’s various problems.

Finally, I would explain that whenever Trump puts forth a real practical proposal for addressing a problem, I am eager to respond to these. We don’t need a fake debate in which all we get, for ninety minutes, Trump’s name calling, lies and claims he can fix major problems in 24 hours. Let Trump make his case to the voters for any reasonable proposal, and we will promptly provide our response. In this way, a real debate will occur–not a fake one that would be a total waste of time.

For example, Trump proposed recently that taxes on the wages of waiters and waitresses be eliminated. The revenues from those taxes will need to be made up in some other way, for they are used to keep Social Security afloat, pay for our military, and other vital programs. Trump claims that his “drill, baby drill” policy will so stimulate the economy there will be no loss in revenues. In a real debate, the Democrats could counter this by pointing to the fact that Trump made the same revenue losses claimed when he gave tax breaks for the superrich, but according to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, those tax breaks led to an extra trillion dollars in national debt. The Democratic proposal, in contrast, also is calling for the same tax relief for waiters and waitresses but would make up the revenue losses by increasing taxes on people making over $400,000 per year.

Which of these proposals makes the best sense is the type of issue that is worthy of being respectfully debated, but there would be no time for this amidst all of the disrespectful insults, lies, and irrational claims that will be presented by Trump at the Harris-Trump debate.

Categories
Low Budget The Kinks

The Kinks’ “Low Budget”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

This week, I spent an evening listening to some of my favorite songs from the Kinks, a British rock band that had several great hits beginning in the mid-1960s. Brothers Ray Davies (lead vocals, rhythm guitar) and Dave Davies (lead guitar, vocals) remained members throughout the group’s 32-year run. One of the songs, “Low Budget,” released in 1979 when inflation was over 13%, brought me back to a time when I was really financially strapped. And then I realized that although our most recent bout with inflation, due largely from the pandemic, has moderated, many of us are still mighty upset at current prices. So, to offer some empathy with our shared frustration, and to throw some light on dealing with money woes, I’m thinking it might be useful to discuss the Kinks’ song’s lyrics.

An early part of the song has Ray Davies telling us,

Circumstance has forced my hand
To be a cut price person in a low-budget land
Times are hard but we’ll all survive
I just got to learn to economize

I’m on a low budget
I’m on a low budget
I’m not cheap, you understand
I’m just a cut price person in a low-budget land

Here, we see Ray recognizing these times are indeed hard, but we’ll get through by economizing. However, economizing raises for Ray the concern that people will begin to lose respect for him, thinking he’s cheap. He repeats this concern when he tells us later in the song,

Money’s rare, there’s none to be found
So don’t think I’m tight if I don’t buy a round

Some of the economizing for Ray can be down right painful, utilizing the metaphors of too tight shoes and pants:

Excuse my shoes they don’t quite fit
They’re a special offer and they hurt me a bit
Even my trousers are giving me pain
They were reduced in a sale so I shouldn’t complain
They squeeze me so tight so I can’t take no more
They’re size 28 but I take 34

Now, the next part of the song gets to be fun for the audience, as Ray sings,

I’m on a low budget
What did you say
I’m on a low budget
I thought you said that

I’m on a low budget
I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land

When Ray sings, “I’m on a low budget,” the crowd sings the words with him. Ray encourages them, by calling out, “What did you say?” and then taking the mic he’s holding and stretching his arm out with it toward the audience, and the audience now all join in, singing “I’m on a low budget.” A sense of a shared community of all those going through these tight times is wonderfully created, and the audience loves it. The lyrics return to these lines several more times throughout the song with the audience enthusiastically joining in.

A few other lines that we can relate to are,

I’m shopping at Woolworths and low discount stores
I’m dropping my standards so that I can buy more

Quality costs, but quality wastes
So I’m giving up all of my expensive tastes
Caviar and champagne are definite “no”s
I’m acquiring a taste for brown ale and cod roes

Low budget sure keeps me on my toes
I count every penny and I watch where it goes

I’m on a low budget
What did you say
Yea I’m on a low budget
I thought you said that
I’m on a low budget
I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land

Money’s rare, there’s none to be found
So don’t think I’m tight if I don’t buy a round

….

I might look like a tramp, but don’t write me off
I’ll have you all know, I was once on top
At least my hair is all mine, my teeth are my own
But everything else is on permanent loan
Once all my clothes were made by hand
Now I’m a cut price person in a low-budget land
I’m on a low budget
I’ll have you all know
We’re on a low budget….

Some Thoughts

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I’m old enough to have seen some major ups and down in our economy. As a result, I’m quite hopeful that when there is a disturbing dip, things will get better. The over 13% inflation rate when “Low Budget” was a hit, eventually we went down to a more manageable 2%. We had the Great Recession at the end of the Bush administration, and during the Obama administration, the economy got back on its feet. We are already seeing signs that the economy is returning to better times, though prices at the supermarket remain hard to bear.

I do think that we would be wise to not set ourselves to rely on a solid economy to bring us the wellbeing we desire. Such a life is way too often unsustainable. It is also too shallow. We are better off, I think, to seek deeper meaning in the life we have been given, including learning that emotional suffering is part of life that can deepen our search for more sustainable meaning, rather than signs of mental illness requiring just the right pill to a happier life. Finding ways to support the common good, and learning to enhance our dearest relationships will get us together through periods of anguish, sadness, and tears.

For me, one of the saddest parts of these types of downturns is the bitter blaming of incumbent presidents. When “Low Budget” was a hit for the Kinks back in 1979, Jimmy Carter was the president. The hatred directed at him because of economic woes seemed to me unjust. He was a very intelligent, kind human being who deeply cared for his country. He did his best under hard times that in no way could be attributed to him. Despite this, the hate kept pouring in.

The economists I have read, having had time to digest the factors that led to that period of inflation, have concluded that that period of inflation began well before Carter took office, and seems to have been strongly connected with President Nixon halting the exchange of dollars for gold by foreign central banks, and Arab members of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) placing an embargo on the U.S. for its support of Israel in the Yom Kippur War.

The connection between the George W. Bush presidential administration and the “Great Recession” is considerably stronger than the economic downturn during Carter’s administration. Bush advocated for banking deregulations along with getting into two needless wars, both significant factors that led to the recession. However, I hasten to point out that a majority in congress, who were elected by a majority of the American voters, supported what Bush called for. Because we have a government of the people, by the people, for the people, if we want to get into the blaming game there is plenty of blame to distribute all around.

As for our current inflation woes, the Biden administration came into office at the height of the pandemic, which led to inflation not only in the US, but throughout the world. Russia’s attack in Ukraine that led to grain shortages was another significant factor. Blaming the president strikes me as the height of unfairness. To get through this challenging time, rather than wasting our energy on hateful blaming, we would do far better, it seems to me, if we as a nation, take responsibility for learning what we can do better in the future, economize till the economy improves, and in the words of another Kinks song, “Better Things,”

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
criticism critique dealing with criticism suggestions

What’s Better, Criticism, Critique, or Suggestion?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

My last couple of blog posts see (HERE & HERE) explored why criticism often leads to defensiveness. Shortly after I published these, one of my readers, Bob Parker, PhD, responded with an email saying,

“I liked your blog post a lot. It rings very true. I think a fine line exists between defensive reactions and introspection in this case. In my therapy practice with clients I distinguish between criticizing and “critiquing” a client’s train of thought, actions, etc. “Criticizing” is an emotionally charged word we are socially conditioned to react against out of a feeling for self preservation.”
Bob then invited me to have a phone conversation to further discuss this topic which I took him up on. Among the issues we discussed was his psychotherapy sessions approach to providing feedback to his clients. He prefaces his comments with the following words–“I’d like to make some suggestions. Are you OK with that?”

As I thought about this, my mind went to how I would present ideas to my clients over the years, ideas that could be interpreted as criticism. I’m retired now from providing direct counseling service, instead providing free recommendations about handling criticism and enhancing respect through my blog. Reflecting back to my counseling days, I didn’t first ask for permission. Nor did I bother trying to make some distinction between criticism, critique, or suggestion. Instead, I would say something like, “I’m wondering if such and such would lead to a better outcome?” Then I would listen empathetically to my client, avoiding taking the position that I was right and my client was wrong. I often would say during these exchanges, ” I encourage you to consider whatever I say as a question, rather than a statement, because what might be right for one person might be wrong for another.”

So, hopefully you are beginning to get a sense of how people differ when providing feedback. Because these types of situations can ignite anger, defensiveness, and reactance, I’m thinking it might deepen our understanding of these situations by exploring this topic a little further. So, to that end, I decided to ask my two sons and my wife two questions–Do you prefer, when getting feedback, someone first asked you for permission? And do you have a preference for the words criticism, critique, or suggestion when someone provides feedback to you? So, let’s see what they had to say.

My Older Son, Lennon

Lennon Rubin

Lennon, in his late-thirties, responded,

I think that’s a complicated question and depends on the situation, my emotional state at the time, and the person giving the criticism. For example, in my work environment, I don’t need any of my colleagues to ask permission to give work related criticism. I work in a very collaborative and professional environment where feedback is commonplace and I trust my colleagues to do it in a professional manner. However, if a random stranger wants to walk up to me to criticize the clothing that I’m wearing when I’m already having a bad day, I would appreciate them asking first so I could tell them no.

When asked if he prefers criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I prefer ‘suggestion.’  ‘Criticism’ and ‘critique’ feel too formal for the vast majority of situations.”

My Younger Son, Jack

Jack, in his mid-thirties, responded,

For things that are sensitive I prefer to be asked prior to receiving criticism. Mainly because if I’m in a vulnerable state around something the criticism potentially can do more harm than good. For things I’m not too invested in I don’t care as much. If someone isn’t sure about if something would be sensitive or not, I’d suggest they err on the side of caution and ask permission. 

When asked about any preference regarding criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I don’t have a preference. Suggestion is probably the least loaded though.”

My Wife, Andrea

The audience and tone of voice are factors for me. I’m open to hearing most criticism, critique, suggestion, or feedback – no preference there – if presented in a kind manner. From experience, asking permission to give or take feedback first seems to help soften defensiveness. Engaging in brief conversation, allows me and hopefully others, to use the information from the encounter for reflection.

My Personal Approach

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

I use to get quite defensive in my earlier years, but through studying some wisdom traditions, and perhaps from just getting more mature, I’ve learned to experience criticism as pleasant exchanges and helpful. In fact, I often find it fun.

There is no need, when someone criticizes me to pull any punches, or beat around the bush, just come out with it as you like. I can see why some would prefer the word suggestion, but as for me, call it whatever you prefer.

As I discussed in my previous post on this topic, like John Stuart Mill in his brilliant book On Liberty, I have become convinced that when people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,

….let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…. In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.

And I like that this approach moves us to an authoritative approach to issues in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.

As I explained in earlier posts, to my mind a helpful response to criticism looks like this:

The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by  indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Okay, there you have it, some thoughts on this challenging topic. I’d love to get reactions from readers.

Until next time, have a great week.
My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum Freedom

Criticism and the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. In my last blog post, we discussed how criticism often leads to an angry conflict related to the desire to be liked. We now turn to another reason why criticism often leads to a conflict — the desire to maintain freedom.

No photo description available.Back in 1966, psychologist Jack W. Brehm published a remarkable book entitled, A Theory of Psychological Reactance. In a nutshell, it states that people become motivationally aroused by a threat to or elimination of a behavioral freedom. This motivational state is what is called psychological reactance.

Psychological reactance impels the individual to restore the freedom that was threatened or taken away. There may be two manifestations of the occurrence of reactance: actual attempts to restore freedom and increased perceived attractiveness of the lost or threatened option.

Dr. Brehm argued that people tend to ask themselves, “If he does this to me, what can’t he do?” That is, when one freedom is threatened or taken away, many freedoms logically could be in danger, and they presumably will be perceived as threatened unless there is an explicit and convincingly stated limit.

Dr. Brehm has provided the following example:

Two or three years ago when services at the Library of Congress were reduced because of the budget squeeze, users of the library screamed bloody murder. My guess is that while some users may have been inconvenienced, the real strength of their response came from the implied threat to all their uses of the library. After all, if certain services could be reduced, then what was to prevent those services from being eliminated altogether or other services from being reduced or eliminated?[1]

Now let’s apply this theory of reactance to the frequent observation that criticism often leads to defensiveness.

In this comic strip, we see Lucy is mighty upset because her mother criticized her for being bad and then paired this with a punishment — cancelling her birthday party. This pairing of criticism and punishment is so common when kids are growing up that it may be the reason why many folks have a difficult time dealing with criticism even when it is unlikely to lead in a particular situation to punishment.

The association of punishment and criticism perhaps has become so ingrained from early childhood, that without even realizing it, many become defensive and resist criticism.

We see, in this comic, Lucy trying to resist her mother’s punishment, and when Linus criticizes Lucy’s response to her mother, Lucy cries out that she would rather die than go along with it.

The threat to both desires, being liked and doing whatever the hell we like, apparently are major reasons why criticism is so hard to bear. The tough feelings that come about has led to a philosophy of many folks that they should discourage anyone from providing criticism to them by their righteous defensiveness.

John Stuart Mill published a brilliant book back in 1859, titled On Liberty, and it is still revered by millions. He presents a very different philosophy. According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…”  Mr. Mill does not just declare that this is so; rather, he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position. He points to many people who were quite certain of a position and after hearing counterarguments came to realize they had been mistaken. Many people, for example, once believed with complete certainty that the Earth is flat but came to change their minds when they met up with people who criticized their belief using sound evidence.

Although it would distract us for too long to review all of Mr. Mill’s examples and arguments, I would like you to consider carefully one of his finest paragraphs.

John Stewart Mill

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it: for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

In my view, some people, when they criticize us, sometimes do provide us with information and ideas that we had not been previously aware of. And even when some people criticize us and provide us with information and ideas that strike us as false, we are still likely to be better off in the end. The very process we go through of putting some ideas together so that we can articulate why we hold their information and ideas as false has a way of organizing and deepening our understanding in a helpful manner.

For me, personally, having been quite defensive in my earlier years, taking up this aspect of Mill’s philosophy has led to far more pleasant exchanges. In fact, I often find it fun. And I like that it moves me more to an authoritative approach in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.

What would a response to criticism look like that is consistent with this type of philosophy? Here’s my take on this.

The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by  indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

As it happens, I have found that people who respond to criticism in this way are more liked and respected than those who instead become defensive. Moreover, over the years of my teaching conflict resolution and counseling folks, I have found that most people can easily learn to respond to criticism in this more positive manner even if they had spent years responding defensively.

The training needed to make that change is simple and free. Over a two month period, once a week reserve fifteen minutes at a convenient time to imagine someone has criticized you. Write how you think you might respond. Not just the words you might say, but how you might feel, and also how defensive your words might be perceived. Then, reread the description of the type of response I described above in italics. Then, three times, out loud, provide a response to the criticism that is consistent with that description. After two months, make an appointment with a friend or family member to help you out. Show the helper the italicized response description, and then have the helper make up some criticism of you, and have her or him use it in a role-play in which you are criticized, and you respond. Use your phone camera to record it. Then, while watching the video recording, ask your helper to criticize how well your response matches the italicized paragraph. Do this exercise one more time about a week later, and you will be amazed at how easy you will be able to handle criticism in the future.

[1] J. W. Brehm [1989], “Psychological Reactance: Theory and Applications,” in Advances in Consumer Research, Volume 16, eds. Thomas K. Srull, Provo, UT : Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 72-75

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution criticism

Criticism and the Desire to be Liked

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

When someone provides criticism anger often ensues.

The above comic offers us a fine example. Why is Sally getting so angry over her brother’s comment? Could it have to do with the desire to be liked and loved?

For many of us, not being liked or loved is the worst thing imaginable. When you’re around someone who likes you, oftentimes that makes life more pleasant.

People don’t only desire to be liked, they also desire that people like their clothes, their appearance, and their acts as well.

There is within natural selection theory a hypothesis about why people feel so strongly about being liked. This hypothesis states that people have an inborn fear of not being liked because in some ancient cultures someone not liked would be banished from the tribe, and those banished would be less likely to survive in the harsh environs of the day than those who were not banished. It is also possible that people are more likely to help others who are liked, and this too provides an increase chance of survival.

The anxiety of not being loved as much as you desire, when coupled with the fear that accompanies the image of being all on your own can be so uncomfortable that it leads individuals to do some creative acts to ward off these feelings.

For me the following poem by Emily Dickinson beautifully captures what may be going on inside of us when we feel the sense of not being loved:

Emily Dickinson

There is a pain — so utter —
It swallows substance up —
Then covers the Abyss with Trance —
So Memory can step
Around — across — upon it —
As one within a Swoon —
Goes safely — where an open eye —
Would drop Him— Bone by Bone.

Here Dickinson talks about a pain so utter it swallows substance up and then covers the abyss with trance. The experience of being unloved and all alone is like this. Any act that reminds an individual of these feelings can provoke defensiveness.

Many people don’t like it when they are criticized and begin to take some action to discourage it. In our Peanuts comic, Sally feels her brother is wrong for not liking her swirls, and perhaps attached to those feelings is fear of not being liked. Why else would she act so strongly about her brother’s comment?

By more deeply understanding why people can react so strongly to criticism, we can see better how to deal with them. For example, if Charlie Brown indeed likes his sister, he would be wise to consider if there is any value to letting her know this more often than he has been doing. A comment from time to time such as, “You know Sally, you’re my sister and I love you a whole bunch,” could be very helpful to fulfill her desire to be liked.

Another approach Charlie Brown could try is to begin to teach Sally that he can still like her even if he doesn’t think what she did on some occasion was great. We can love the person even when we don’t love the act the person has carried out. If Charlie Brown would help Sally to fulfill her desire to be liked on a regular basis by using these techniques, the recurring conflict that involves her desire to be liked may come up less frequently when he criticizes her. He would have to try it out to test this hypothesis, but it at least gives Charlie Brown a plan that has the potential to improve his current situation.

Being aware of the connection between the desire to be liked and criticism also helps us to be aware that sometimes it is better not to criticize someone in front of others. Notice what happens after Charlie Brown criticizes Sally’s swirls and then Sally interprets Snoopy as having also criticized them.

Sally becomes even more upset. When you become threatened because you think that one person doesn’t like you, it becomes even more painful when others gang up on you.

The words Sally uses when she hollers at Snoopy are interesting— “And who asked you?” It suggests that Sally feels that if she did not ask Snoopy for his opinion, he has no right to be giving his opinion. Sally’s view is quite common.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed? For many, it hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Now there are occasions when the risk makes sense. Let’s say I’m dating Alison, and it is pretty clear she likes me and that I like her. But there is one thing Alison does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting and glares. She hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I feel that it’s worth a shot to confront her with this because both of us could benefit from solving this problem.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up this recurring “liking” conflict, I could present my comments to her carefully. I can seek to find a time when we are all alone and she appears to be open and relaxed. At that time, I could say, “Alison, I sure like you a lot. I’m very physically attracted to you, you’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her and by giving her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to our criticizing ourselves. Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are inherently, unchangeably not likable. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Blaming President Biden Inflation President Joe Biden

Is Inflation Really Biden’s Fault?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today, we discuss Donald Trump and his supporters taking cheap shots seeking to blame President Biden for inflation. They are doing this despite the overwhelming evidence that countries around the world, regardless of whether they are led by very conservative or liberal governments, have been experiencing inflation. Moreover, it is factually undeniable that the annual inflation rates for dozens and dozens of goods routinely purchased by American households – including food – were already at their highest levels before Biden entered the White House in 2021.

Two reasons for those spikes in prices have to do with the COVID-19 relief spending enacted under Trump’s administration with overwhelming Republican support, and so many people becoming sick from the virus, thereby leading to an inability to obtain sufficient supplies and services. Such shortages, as any economist will be eager to explain, lead to increases in costs. Suppliers, unable to get all of their usual amount of goods to customers, can’t sell as much of those items so they raise prices to make up for the resulting losses, while consumers, struggling to obtain these supplies as well as needed services, are forced to pay more rather than to do without.

Another driver of inflation began in February, 2022 when Russia invaded Ukraine. This created uncertainty in oil and gas markets, leading to spikes in prices, as well as disruptions to food supplies, especially stocks of wheat. These events occurred against a backdrop of record heat waves, floods, and other weather events caused by climate change which exacerbated food shortages in many parts of the world.

In seeking to blame Biden, Trump supporters ignore that it was Trump who appointed Jerome Powell to head the Federal Reserve. Congress approved Powell for the position because of his excellent credentials, and he continues his term under President Biden.

The Federal Reserve has a dual mandate, keeping inflation in check and maximizing employment. Though Republican congressional leaders are blaming Biden for inflation, they are silent about taking any responsibility for approving the person whose actual job is controlling inflation.
That said, don’t think I’m seeking to blame Powell for inflation rather than Biden. I’m confident Powell is doing a competent job under terribly difficult circumstances. But for Trump and congressional leaders to instead blame Biden is, it seems to me, a pretty cheap shot.

If I was a news reporter, every time I heard Trump or a Trump supporting congressional leader blame Biden for inflation, I would look them in the eye and ask, “Do you really think inflation is Biden’s fault?” Oh, I have no doubt that in reply, they will point at one policy or another that may or may not have had some tiny effects on inflation, just as Democrats can similarly do when pointing to policies supported by Trump and his administration.

As for me, I think the respectable thing to do at this point is to ditch the insults and blaming and admit that the Trump and Biden administration, along with congressional leaders all struggled to deal with the incredible challenges of the international pandemic. None of them wanted the country to have inflation, and in seeking to contain it, made the best decisions they could come up with. It’s long time to put all of this blaming behind us and get on with the work that lies ahead.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
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Antidepressant withdrawal problems antidepressants

Withdrawing from Antidepressants: A Woman’s Personal Experience

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

Regular readers to this blog know that I have some serious concerns about dealing with emotional experiences referred to as depression or melancholy with the so called antidepressants. Certainly, people should be free to make their own decision regarding whether or not to take these types of pills, and I recognize very intelligent people decide to take them. That said, because I have been employed as a PhD level psychologist, people from time to time have asked me for advice. This led me to evaluating the research on their effectiveness, risks, and side-effects. Having extensive training in evaluating this type of research, sadly, I’ve been dismayed at what I have, and continue to find.

There is an excellent site titled Mad In America that does an excellent job presenting the relevant science. Here, I’ll just say that the research indicates these drugs are not anywhere as effective as they are promoted to be, side-effects are worse than claimed, withdrawal effects are frequently awful, and there are safer, healthier approaches to handling these types of concerns than taking these pills. More and more troubling findings are regularly being revealed to the public. Just this week, The New York Times ran a story about numerous reports of a loss of sexuality from taking these types of drugs, and even upon stopping the drugs, the problem for many people persists.

Dr. Audrey Bahrick

The Times story provides the example of Dr. Audrey Bahrick, who started taking Prozac in 1993 when she was 37. At that time, she was struggling with a difficult job in a new city. Within one day of taking the pill, her clitoris and vagina felt numb. “It was like there was a glove over them — a very, very muffled sensation,” she recalled.

For a while, she said, the trade-off was worth it. The antidepressant made her feel energized and more resilient. But after two years, she stopped taking it for the sake of her relationship. The sexual symptoms persisted, however, and the relationship ended. “It never occurred to me that this would be something that would in fact, in my life, never resolve,” said Dr. Bahrick, who is now 67.

A major strategy that is used to convince people to start taking these drugs is terribly misleading. Doctors claim that it is crucial for depressed people to take antidepressants because depressed people are at an increased risk of committing suicide. This implies that the antidepressant diminishes the likelihood of committing suicide. The facts are just the opposite. The weight of the research evidence indicates these drugs increase suicidal thoughts, behavior and  likelihood of suicide (see HERE). To use the increase in suicides argument despite the evidence to the contrary has always been a very disturbing sales pitch to me.

Now, when reading about all of the serious concerns regarding this type of treatment, many folks who are already taking these drugs begin to consider chucking them. To help with this decision, and how best to go about doing so if they so choose, it helps to hear from people who have made that decision.

One Woman’s Personal Experience

May Cause Side Effects, by Brooke Siam, is one of the first books on antidepressant withdrawal to make it to the mass market. A wonderful interview with the author can be found HERE. Ms Siam’s work on antidepressant withdrawal has appeared in The Washington Post, the New York Post, Psychology Today, and many more. She is also an award-winning chef and Food Network Chopped Champion.

When asked in her interview how she first got involved in the mental health system, she replied:

“This was in 2001 and the timing is important for context as the world was a little different then. I was 15 years old and my father had suddenly passed away. When I look back now, I don’t see someone who was going down a terrible path. I wasn’t suddenly into drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd, my grades didn’t tank, but I was different than I was before. I was very stoic. I was a serious ballet dancer, so the mantra of ballet is to smile through pain, and so, my reaction was concerning to the adults around me.”

Siam was then referred to a psychiatrist, and at her first appointment was given a prescription for a psychiatric drug.

“I don’t remember which one. I think we started with Prozac and then moved on likely to Zoloft since those were the two that were approved for use in children and teens at the time. I had obvious physical reactions to both drugs and so, in the end, we ended up on a combination of Effexor XR and Wellbutrin XL, neither of which were approved for kids and teens at the time and still aren’t.” 

This approach of deciding in one psychiatrist visit to start throwing one type of pill after another at her because of a very understandable reaction to the loss of her dad is all too frequent from what I have been able to see during my many years of psychological practice. Often it’s not just the loss of a parent, but other grief experiences as well that leads to perfectly normal reactions that lead to this prescribing practice. Sometimes people are normally built to have periods of melancholy, and this too is pathologized and one pill after another begins to be prescribed.

Eventually, Siam began to believe this drug approach wasn’t doing her any good:

“…the only frame of reference I had as an unmedicated person was as a 14-year-old kid, I was in my 30s and I was on the same cocktail of drugs. I didn’t wear the same clothes I wore in high school, so why in the hell was I still taking the same cocktail of drugs every morning? There was just something about that that just didn’t make any sense to me because I knew I wasn’t the same body. My brain wasn’t the same, so if the science was sound why hadn’t it adjusted over time? That was the question that put me on this path.”

It was at this point that Siam began her journey to wean herself off the drugs. She covers such topics as what problems one might face along this weaning journey and suggestions on overcoming them. Her story is well worth reading.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Depression melancholy The Beatles The song "Rain"

The Beatles’s Song “Rain” as Melancholy Metaphor

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

In today’s world, if you are experiencing melancholy or depression, the pharmaceutical industry very much wants to sell you on the idea that you have an abnormal condition that is deemed an illness. You would think with the popularity of the blues type of music, periods of bluesy feelings would be viewed as normal as trees in a forest; nevertheless, the pharmaceutical industry has successfully sold prescribing physicians it requires drug treatments.

These drugs have a number of side-effects, and for those who come to decide the drugs are either not working for them, or the side-effects are intolerable, many find that upon trying to stop taking them the withdrawal reactions are awful. And yet, these drug treatments are appealing to many people because of the ease of popping a pill, and health insurance either completely covers the cost, or reduces the cost to such an extent that they are very affordable. Moreover, it is a medical doctor who is prescribing these pills, and since doctors have such extensive training they are viewed as the experts, and people succumb to their advice without much thoughtful consideration.

With this in mind, in my view, if you can find a way to avoid the drugs and learn to make friends with these base notes of experiences, you potentially will be healthier in the long run. In several of my earlier posts (for examples see HERE and HERE), I provide numerous examples of people who found various experiences typically labeled as depression and melancholy as helpful. For example, Joshua Wolf Shenk in his biography of Abraham Lincoln, makes the case that his depression fueled his greatness. Similarly, the music legend, Joni Mitchell, upon discussing her frequent bouts of depression observed,

“Depression can be the sand that makes the pearl. Most of my best work came out of it. If you get rid of the demons and the disturbing things, then the angels fly off, too. There is the possibility, in that mire, of an epiphany.”

We learn further of Joni’s view of melancholy from her soulful rendition of her song “Hejira.” There she sings,

There’s comfort in melancholy
When there’s no need to explain
It’s just as natural as the weather
In the moody sky today

As another example, we learned in an earlier post that the great writer Leo Tolstoy came to understand his bouts with depression as crucial to his personal development as it provoked a gnawing questioning that eventually led to one insight after another.

The Beatles song, “Rain,” as I interpret it, provides us another expression of melancholy and depression as natural.

The Beatles’ song, “Rain”

This song was released on the 30th of May, 1966, as the B-side of The Beatles’s “Paperback Writer” single . According to Wikipedia, it was written by John Lennon although credited to the Lennon–McCartney partnership. It contains a slowed-down rhythm track, George Harrison’s distorted lead guitar, Ringo Starr’s nifty drumming, Paul McCartney’s droning bass line, and the last lines are vocals played backwards.

The first lines go:

If the rain comesThey run and hide their headsThey might as well be deadIf the rain comes
Here, the Beatles, it seems to me, are bemoaning how people view a rainy period negatively (They might as well be dead). Many people, when they have experiences referred to as melancholy and depression are similarly likely to interpret it as a negative, and they might as well be dead. This is often due, in part, to the way they were brought up.

There are parents who are not given to periods of sadness, anguish, and tears. For them, it’s “steady as she goes,” which is not a bad constitution to have. Their talent for averting their attention from evil, and living in the light of good offers benefits for our society for they can be counted on, day after day, to accomplish many tasks that have to be done for the smooth operation of our society. However, there is another constitution that complements this “steady as she goes” type.

Those with this complementary constitution experience far more acutely facts which strike them as wrong, and this wrongness is a genuine portion of reality. To them, rather than turning away from these feeling, their constitution has them staying with these feeling for an extended period so their life’s significance can be more deeply pondered and ultimately better understood. Though often nothing apparently positive comes from some of these periods, every now and then it serves to open their eyes to deeper levels of truth that end up benefiting them and society as a whole.

Now, when the “steady as they go” parents see their child feeling blue, this strikes them, from their perspective, as abnormal. These parents try to talk their child out of these sad experiences. A father seeing his little Susie not snapping out of her rainy day mood might even get testy, insisting he had enough of her whimpering. “Stop it already,” he may scream, “you’re acting like a horrible baby!” Offering a sympathetic ear would be far more helpful at such times, but children don’t get to pick parents who always act perfectly at all times.

Similarly, adults in general, if they have a “steady as they go” constitution, will readily accept the belief that they are the mentally healthy folks and anyone given to waves of bluesy feelings must have a mental illness.

Now, some of the folks who have a bluesy constitution may have learned to deal with their tumultuous feelings by trying to squelch them by drinking an excess amount of alcohol or consuming various other drugs. When this happens, they become at risk for a real physical illness from the toxic effects of these substances. Dealing with addictions can require support and the first part of that support is to come to understand that some people are given to bluesy moods, and that these moods are natural for them and has the potential to lead to something positive.

The next set of lines in “Rain” go,

When the sun shinesThey slip into the shade (when the sun shines down)And sip their lemonade (when the sun shines down)
When the sun shinesWhen the sun shines
RainI don’t mindShineThe weather’s fine

Here, the song contrasts the pleasantness of sunshiny days and the experience of rainy ones, which is also fine–different, but nevertheless fine in its own way. Metaphorically, we can come to experience our bluesy moods as a different type of mood that is also fine. We can come to learn that for many of us, melancholy is a period of time when, by feeling deeply about our various concerns, we process them more deeply than the more steadily happy folks. There are times when this processing leads to something creative. Biographies teach us that the most creative people are given to periods of melancholy and depression.

The next lines in the song go,

I can show youThat when it starts to rain (when the rain comes down)Everything’s the same (when the rain comes down)I can show youI can show you
RainI don’t mindShineThe weather’s fine

Here, the lines, it seems to me, are designed to encourage us to experience rain as every bit as an equal to a shiny day. It reminds me of a line from St. Basil–“Many a man curses the rain that falls upon his brow, and knows not that it brings forth abundance.” In my view, this is equally true for melancholy. Depression is a little different.

When people become depressed, they are prone to throw personal insults at themselves, typically choosing ones that have to do with feeling guilty about becoming depressed, past mistakes, being crazy, and being worthless. The psychiatric model has them thinking they have bad genes, a lifelong pathological condition, as well as having a condition that is stigmatizing. All of this leads to the person experiencing periods of self-loathing. As a result, they develop what some call a double depression–not only are they depressed, they are depressed that they are depressed.

In contrast, melancholy is a richer, and more powerful approach for addressing our concerns, even the most challenging ones. It doesn’t waste time with all of the insults, though, because of old habits, some may still leap into consciousness. When they do, those in melancholy can observe them without believing they are true. Rather, they recognize them as old unhelpful habits, allow themselves to experience the physical sensations that come with them, and then, when those sensations pass in their own good time, they move on to other emotional work that needs to be done.

The next few lines from the song are,

Can you hear me?That when it rains and shines (when it rains and shines)It’s just a state of mind (when it rains and shines)Can you hear me?Can you hear me?

Here, we are encouraged to view the experiences that come with rainy days and sunny days as just states of mind. This is equally true for uplifting days and days filled with angst.

Now I understand that some people who have reached such a deep level of self-loathing will find it hard to learn to transform their depression into the more natural and supportive state of melancholy. They may have experienced a trauma in their past so awful, they can’t seem to get beyond it. Feelings of getting relief by ending their life may intrude into their thoughts.

The natural ways to deal with this is to take daily walks, particularly in natural settings, talking with a supportive family member or friend, and getting enough sleep. The “Expressive Writing Technique” and meditation are very beneficial and cost free (See HERE for free descriptions of how to use these two techniques). Professional counseling and mindful self-compassion courses can help to get people through particularly challenging times.

The final few lines of “Rain are:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yehtSemoc niar eht fi (rain)Niar (rain)Senihs nus (rain)

These lines seem like nonsense words but are actually from a recording tape played backwards. Perhaps it’s meant to suggest that when we view rainy days as “we might as well be dead” we are viewing the experience backwards. Perhaps we would be better off to turn that idea around so it tells us to live fully even when the sun shines and when it rains, and appreciate the full spectrum of human experience.

My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
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respect tolerance

Respect and Tolerance

Jeff Rubin

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

As the title of this blog indicates, here we are interested in respect. The topic of respect is quite broad, and for a fairly complete coverage of its different definitions I recommend the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy’s article on respect that can be retrieved for free HERE. The article covers not only the different meanings of the respect concept, it also delves into various relevant philosophical issues. However, for people who want to take practical steps to improve the respect others have for them, and their own self-respect, they will be disappointed. This blog’s posts aim to fill this gap.

Improving one’s level of respect others have for us and one’s own self-respect matters intensely, for it shapes and structures our lives. And when individuals find they are unable to stomach themselves it profoundly diminishes the quality of their lives, and even for some, their desire to continue living.

There is a type of respect that is not the focus of this blog, the type one gets for being a doctor, a major leaguer, a Pulitzer Prize winner. People who actually get to personally know such individuals find that they display interpersonal actions that lead to either a deeper more longer lasting level of respect or disrespect. Similarly, they have intrapersonal skills that lead them to enhance their self-respect or end up tearing themselves apart. This blog is a seedbed for anyone seeking to grow their interpersonal and intrapersonal skills that enhance respect.

The posts you find here, along with my free novel, A Hero Grows In Brooklyn, about a boy growing up in Brooklyn struggling with issues related to respect, focus on suggestions that don’t cost even a penny. As someone who originally came from a family with meager financial resources, who, in my early life, lived with five family members in a tiny apartment above a hardware store with the elevated train roaring past our windows every few minutes along Brighton Beach Avenue, I feel a deep connection with those who can’t afford expensive private counseling or mindful self-compassion workshops, as helpful as these can be. Now that I’m retired I feel a great sense of satisfaction to be able to “give away” these ideas to folks regardless of financial circumstances.

As an example, in one of the early posts I discuss the value of learning to tolerate criticism, and upon hearing it, to respond respectfully. There, I describe the following four levels of responding to negative criticism:

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

      • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
      • Physically attacks the criticizer
      • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

      • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
      • Glares at the criticizer
      • Threatens the criticizer
      • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
      • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

      • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
      • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

I then explain that in my research, individuals upon viewing video recordings depicting people responding to criticism with each of the four levels, rated those who displayed the highest level as more likable, respected, and mature then those responding to criticism at lower levels. In subsequent posts, I explain that to really improve one’s skill level in a manner that overcomes old entrenched habits most people must go through several practice lessons. These practice lessons also are cost-free and are described. Additional posts from time to time reinforce this set of skills. All of this training is available by going to the first post, and working through to each subsequent post.

Today’s Topic

While thinking about what to write for today’s post, I happened to come upon an article in the American Psychologist by Bernd Simon about respect and tolerance. The article begins:

Mutual tolerance among all members of a society is vital for its functioning as a fair and stable system of cooperation (Rawls, 20005). This is true especially for plural societies, where people differ from each other in many ways and regularly disapprove of each other’s beliefs, practices, or ways of life.   

Upon reading this, it occurred to me that individuals who lack sufficient tolerance in their community are likely to stir up a great deal of anger, conflict, and disrespect toward a whole bunch of people. If you are okay about doing this, have at it. However, for those who would find that their lack of tolerance has been creating situations that fails to be fruitful, and therefore want to consider making some changes, the article led me to offer some suggestions.

Practice over one month by taking two minutes daily to consider the value of respecting others who differ from yourself in many ways as understood as deserving equal rights, equal freedom, and equal concern. Respect for others as equals has the potential of restraining people’s disapproval of other’s beliefs, practices, or ways of life, without removing such disapproval, and thus make tolerance possible.

Now, for some, because of their minds flashing on many horrendous acts, they fling the whole tolerance concept right out the window. “Why should I consider being tolerant when such awful things as murder, rape, terrorism, and other illegal acts appear daily in our media! Am I supposed to be tolerant with all of this going on?!!!” But, the vast majority of our neighbors are reasonably law abiding. Consider what the cost would be to you if people who disapprove of your lifestyle were to be intolerant of you, and therefore, treated you disrespectfully. Might we be wise to treat others as we would have them treat us? Isn’t it better for us to treat law abiding citizens with respect, and they treat you equally respectfully?

In Simon’s American Psychologist article, research is reviewed indicating that those who are tolerant of out-groups are more likely to be willing to engage in intergroup cooperation and have higher levels of well-being. Additionally,  when people in the out-group are treated with respect, they are more likely to reciprocate and respond in kind. This expression of respect for others is thus reflected back leading to an increase in the tolerant person’s own self-respect.

So, there you have it, some thoughts about respect and tolerance, along with a little technique to enhance the reader’s tolerance. I hope you give this some thought because I’m thinking living in a world where more people are tolerant and respectful would be good for us all.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Depression melancholy

Bob Dylan’s “Melancholy Mood”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. For many of us who have endured a brutally hot summer, the approaching of autumn sure is a welcome.

This past weekend, I happened to be checking out some stuff on YouTube and came upon a wonderful version of the song, “Melancholy Mood,” sung, believe it or not, by Bob Dylan.

 

The amazingly prolific song writer and musical performer typically sings songs he personally penned, but in 2016 he released an album titled Fallen Angels, and “Melancholy Mood,” is one of its twelve classic American songs.

“Melancholy Mood” was written by Walter Schumann and Vick Knight back in 1939. Upon its initial release, several big band performers cut versions, including Harry James’s orchestra with a very young Frank Sinatra doing the vocals. Harry’s instrumentation of the song naturally featured his dynamic trumpet playing, but there is none of that in Dylan’s version. Instead, we get some gentle, pensive guitars. And though it’s hard to beat the rich vocal tones and wonderful phrasing of Sinatra, Dylan’s vocals, as music critic Ray Padgett describes it, “underplays the emotion perfectly.”

The song immediately caught my interest because it brought into focus the topic of melancholy, which, as regular readers well know, I have discussed on several occasions (see for example, HERE, HERE, and HERE). In these earlier posts, I contrasted my views on the differences between melancholy and depression. To me, when we experience melancholy we have made friends with this experience, recognizing it as a natural process in which life hasn’t deserted us forever, and there may be some epiphanies in the mire.

Joni Mitchell

As Dylan’s fellow musician and song writer, Joni Mitchell, describes melancholy in her beautiful song, “Hijira.”

”There is comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s just as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.”

Similarly, in an article titled “The Case for Melancholy,” Ms. Laren Stover writes,

sadness 3“What ever happened to experiencing the grace of melancholy, which requires reflection: a sort of mental steeping, like tea?”

From the perspective of William James’s, when we are in melancholy we are sure we will be up again just as we are sure, when elated to be down again.

“Six months, or any cycle of time, is sure to see you produce a certain amount…. The good time will come again, as it has come; and go too.”

In contrast, depression arrives periodically just as melancholy does, but it is combined with insults thrown at oneself for being depressed without questioning if the insults are valid. Some refer to this as having a double depression because not only are we feeling depressed, but we are depressed about being depressed. Words come out of the depressed person such as, “I don’t have time for this! I’m crazy, mentally ill! This is the end of the road for me!” These are more than just words;  there is a furious deep belief that these words are completely true, and a sense of hopelessness is overwhelming.

So, with this as background, let’s take a look at the lyrics of “Melancholy Mood” to see how they depict the melancholy experience. The first few lines are,

Melancholy mood forever haunts me
Steals upon me in the night, forever taunts me
Oh, what a lonely soul am I, stranded high and dry
By a melancholy mood

So far, the lyrics have Dylan expressing a mood in which he will be forever going through. He is stranded high and dry, with no means to move to a better place.

It’s not clear if the word forever, as used here, means that the singer will be always in this mood, or he will forever have periods of this mood that will come and go. A recognition that this mood is something he will have to go through, but good times will come again would be more like what melancholy means to me. At this point in the song, Dylan might be depicting someone drifting into depression. And yet, he is not clearly insulting himself. Perhaps he is just putting into words the gloomy sense one feels at such times.

Let’s move on to the next stanza

Gone is every joy and inspiration
Tears are all I have to show, no consolation
All I can see is grief and gloom, till the crack of doom
Oh, melancholy mood

These words beautifully capture the melancholy moods that I experience. There is no sign of words that are insulting the singer. Even if there is, it would not automatically mean the person has fallen into depression as I define it.

To this day, because of old habits, as I fall into melancholy, I find old habits that I learned as a youngster will spring to mind, like, “I hate myself!” or “I’m such an idiot.” But when these words shoot into my consciousness, I now well recognize that they are not at all helpful in dealing with my current state, and I let them fly away, without trying to suppress the underlying feelings that accompany them. The main difference, for me, between a melancholy mood and depression is whether or not I am convinced that the words that spring to my mind are absolutely true or not. If not, then I’m in a melancholy mood. If I really am convinced that every nasty thing that comes to my mind is true, I’ve become depressed.

Another aspect of the above four lines from the song’s lyrics also worth thinking about, is the phrase, “till the crack of doom.” It suggests there will be no relief ever arriving. Such a hopeless view suggests a depression type of experience if the person saying them truly believes this. If he or she just notices these words coming into consciousness without accepting they are absolutely true, this is more consistent with melancholy.

Moving on to the next few lines, they point to a specific reason for the person grieving:

Deep in the night I search for a trace
Of a lingering kiss, a warm embrace
But love is a whimsy, as flimsy as lace
And my arms embrace an empty space

Here, the desire for romantic love is powerfully expressed. As we move on to the last four lines, along with the accompanying melancholy guitar rifts, we fall under the spell of the song’s grieving feelings.

Melancholy mood, why must you blind me
Pity me and break the chains, the chains that bind me
Won’t you release me, set me free, bring her back to me
Oh, melancholy mood

From these final words, we learn that it is not the desire for just any romantic love the singer is sharing with his audience. Rather, the words tell of someone grieving over the loss of a romantic relationship involving a particular woman. He is pleading for the mood to release him from this grief by bringing the woman he loves back to him.

The song suggests an important function of melancholy moods. We see the person depicted in the song articulating what his desire is, and spending time with his feelings. This just might lead to processing within his mind about what led to the breakup, and what might he do to reignite the shared romantic love he once had. Or, if not that, maybe the processing of the mood will lead to some thoughts of what he might do better in a future romantic relationship that will lead to a better outcome.

Well, in any case, that’s some of my little musings on a recent song I’ve been listening to. I share it in the hopes it will deepen understanding of the nature of melancholy and depression.

May you all have a colorful autumn.

My Best,
Jeff

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