Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
By now you must have heard about the slap heard around the world, it being so widely discussed on media reports and Internet forums. What I found concerning in these discussions is the absence of what Will Smith could have done differently to deal with his emotional response to his wife’s reaction to a Chris Rock joke other than “he shouldn’t have done it.”
The joke alluded to Smith’s wife, Pinkett Smith, possibly some day appearing in a new “G.I. Jane” movie because of her closely buzzed haircut that looks similar to the star of the first G.I. movie who had her hair buzzed as the cadet in the military role she was playing.
Pinkett Smith has alopecia, an autoimmune disorder that causes a person’s hair to fall out. No doubt she understandably has strong emotional feelings around this.
When Smith’s wife reacted to the joke by giving him a side-eye annoyed look, this, along with the joke, triggered Smith to walk up to the stage and strike Rock. So, that’s one way to respond. What are other alternatives?
Five Ways to Respond to Criticism
To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.
In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways. Then I asked others to watch the shows. Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.
I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism. This helped me to come up with five different ways to handle criticism. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected. Level one is the least liked. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings. Let’s take a look at these four levels.
Five Levels of Responding to Criticism
1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
- Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without utilizing at lest a level 4 response
- Physically attacks the criticizer
- Damages property
2. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
- Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
- Glares at the criticizer
- Threatens the criticizer
- Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
- Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.
3. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:
- Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
- Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.
4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
5. Level 5. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.
People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from 10 to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town). Regardless of their age and where they lived, they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.
What level best matches what Smith did when he slapped Rock?
If your answer is level 1, I agree with you. In thinking about this, those who did the ratings in my studies explained their answer in a variety of ways. Some applied the golden rule, saying “I wouldn’t like it if I said something to somebody and it was perceived as a criticism, that they would strike me.” Others pointed out that you can be arrested for hitting someone and getting embroiled in a whole legal mess.
In a more recent reaction to what Smith did, Rock’s mother, Rose Rock, chimed in, saying in an interview with Live 5 News,
“The slap didn’t only hurt my son. When he slapped Chris, he slapped all of us,” she said, telling the station, “He really slapped me.”
Her point is that you often don’t just hurt the person you strike. Others completely innocent of any perceived wrong doing can be harmed as well.
Example of a Higher Level Response
Other than just saying he shouldn’t have done it, can we, upon looking at the five levels, envision what could have been a better alternative than slapping Rock. Here’s one possibility. He could have walked up to the stage and whispered to Rock, in a caring way, “Hey, brother, my wife is really having a hard time dealing with her hair issue, so, please, if you will, cut out any more jokes about her.”
Such a response would have provided an opportunity for Smith to express what he was feeling. It also probably would have convinced Rock to move on to other completely unrelated matters. In fact, by the time Smith had walked up to the stage, Rock had already begun to move on.
Smith might have still been criticized for interfering with the Oscar Academy’s schedule, but it would have been a brief two or three minute interruption, and I very much doubt such an approach would have been anywhere as harmful as what happened after the smack–having police officers ask Rock whether he wanted to arrest Smith for an assault, numerous media reports condemning his actions, harming Rock’s mom, and a ten-year suspension from attending any Academy event.
So, those are some thoughts for today. I hope you join us again right here at From Insults to Respect.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Consider a press conference held by Senate Republicans this past July. At that time, they blamed the “insane tax and spending spree of President Biden and the Democrats for six straight months of raging inflation.”
As another example, on 3/10/22 I read this tweet by Florida Republican 
Story 1: Last summer I was in the mood to play a round of golf, so I checked the weather report. Seeing there was only a twenty percent chance of rain, I called three of my friends to see if they wanted to join me, informing them of the most recent weather report. They agreed to play.
We put our heads together, and finally got to the game, but only after the second inning. Obviously, the driver was largely responsible for our being late, although any one of us could have double checked the directions, rather than just assume the driver was not mistaken. In any case, after a few good natured teasing comments, all of us hastened to be supportive of our driver friend, saying things like, “Hey, everyone makes mistakes,” and then sharing incidents in which we were late because we had gotten lost in the past. I respect how we handled the situation.
Dismayed at the blaming of Biden, whom I do believe is trying to do his best during terribly tough circumstances, I did some research on the causes of the current inflation situation. Checking multiple sources, which are readily available for anyone really interested in this issue, this is what I found.
Supply Chain Issues: By all accounts that I can find, shortly after the pandemic struck, and before Biden was sworn in as president, the annual inflation rate for most American purchases had already risen to the highest level in a decade.
Moreover, rising inflation isn’t just hitting the US. According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, inflation among its 38 member states is heading higher. As 
Lack Of Real Competition: About two-thirds of the largest publicly traded US companies reported fatter profit margins in the first nine months of 2021 compared with the same period in 2020, 
Challenging Problem for the Feds: The department in the Federal Government that has the responsibility to guide the US through troubled waters is the Federal Reserve System. Among its most central roles is to promote the effective operation of the U.S. economy and, more generally, the public interest. It conducts the nation’s monetary policy to promote maximum employment, stable prices, and moderate long-term interest rates in the U.S. economy.
Jerome Powell, with impressive credentials, is the chair person of this system. Nominated for the position by former President Donald Trump in 2018, he was confirmed by Democrat and Republican Senators by an 84 to 13 vote. He is still serving in that position under President Biden.
The last time the US had a serious inflation problem began in the mid-1970s and ran through the mid-1980s. It threw the country into a recession and unemployment rose to over 10 percent. The national debt at that time was less than 1 trillion dollars. At least with the current bout with inflation, unemployment is currently below 4 precent.
First, his tax cut that wasn’t matched with any spending cuts led to a trillion dollar increase in the national debt the following year, as was predicted by all of the major economists. Then came the pandemic during his administration and he quickly signed into law a $2.2 trillion relief package, followed by a $900 billion relief package. When we combine the increase in debt from Trump’s tax program with his pandemic relief spending, we come up with over 4 trillion dollars. All of this money sloshed into the economy before Biden took the oath of office.
His proposal, as expressed during his State of the Union Address, involves capping the cost of insulin to $35 a month and letting Medicare negotiate lower prices for prescription drugs. Child care cost, that has been weighing heavily on families, would be cut in half for most families. This would help parents, including millions of women, who left the workforce during the pandemic because they couldn’t afford child care, to be able to get back to work. The enhanced Child Tax Credit, which was beefed up for 2021 as part of the American Rescue Plan Act, would be extended.
Back in 2019, I criticized the use of “antipsychotics” and on Facebook someone criticized what I had written saying, “all of the research clearly indicates that the “antipsychotics,” when used by people diagnosed as having schizophrenia, decrease the risk of dying.” I then, very respectfully, asked that he supply me with the references that he is relying on to make his assertion, and within a very brief period, he did just that.
Mental health services have advanced in many parts of the world during the past few decades. Apart from a different mix of community-based care, the introduction of the second-generation antipsychotic medications [also referred to as atypical antipsychotics] in the early 1990s was initially found to be associated with better quality of life and reduced risk of relapse.
I don’t know where this person obtained his list, but it appeared to me, as I began to study it, that it was probably made by a pharmaceutical industry salesperson who goes to doctors’ offices to convince them to prescribe their drugs. I say this because there are articles on the list that had titles that sounded like they were relevant, but when reading them, they were not. For example, the first study on my critic’s list was published in The Lancet in 2018, and titled “
However, if you read just the abstract of the article, as many practitioners do because time reading research studies is not billable, you would find no mention of this statistically significant finding, a finding that could have life saving implications.
The song was released as a single in the summer of 1965 and rocketed to the number 1 spot, as Beatles songs were apt to do. John Lennon passionately sings lead vocals, while getting ample help from his bandmates Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr.
(Help!) I need somebody
First, according to his own statements quoted in various biographies, John received quite a bit of help from his Aunt Mimi while he was growing up. 
Second, John, when he was younger, invited Paul to join his band presumably because he felt Paul could be helpful. So, he not only got a great deal of help when he was younger, he specifically asked Paul for help. The song’s lyrics up to this point do not reflect this. The puzzle is solved by discovering that John, in the song, is not referring to needing just any type of help. Instead, he is referring to needing one particular type of help, as we learn in the next verse.
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
In John’s culture, young folks liked viewing themselves as tough and never needing any emotional help. Asking for assistance for this type of problem could be viewed as being a sissy. Given this cultural attitude, it was rather brave of him to come out with a song such as this.
It was quite an eye opener to me as a boy growing up in Brooklyn. Being the toughest person around was viewed as the ideal. To learn that John could not only boldly reveal feelings of being insecure, and yet he continued to be adored by his fans, meant something important to me.
It led many of us to become aware we are not alone upon having similar feelings. It also reveals that asking for help need not mean we will end up being disrespected. However, as the opening lines of the song suggest, we might not want to ask just anyone for help. How then, do we pick the right person for this type of assistance? Although the song succeeds in raising this enormously important issue, it leaves us to seek out the answer for ourselves.
In it, Dustin Hoffman is playing a character named Ted Kramer who is going through a tough divorce. Because his boss had been a caring and good listener in the past, whenever Ted discussed work related concerns, Ted chooses to share with him how down he is as a result of going through the divorce process. 
His boss tries to sound interested, but inwardly is bored. As Ted continues over the course of several days to share his emotional difficulties with his boss, more and more boredom arises and he begins to doubt that Ted is going to be able to handle his job responsibilities as well as he had in the past. Ted ends up getting fired.
In an earlier post (see 
With that in mind, today I thought we would look at the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s song “Let’s Keep It Between Us” that appears on his Springtime in New York album. There we find Bob tenderly explaining his feeling to his darling.
Before doors close and our togetherness comes to an end
Let’s keep it between us
I know we’re not perfect
Can we just lay back for a moment
They’ll tell you one thing and me another
Backseat drivers don’t know the feel of the wheel
Bob’s expressive singing, music, and words powerfully capture some issues relevant to two lovers working through sensitive problems. Taking time to be mindful of the feelings of both partners is essential for maintaining love relationships. Combining them with more rational type arguments are often the most helpful approach.
Recently, I happened to be listening to Paul McCartney’s fine album, Egypt Station, and my emotions were stirred up by the straight away rocker, “Who Cares.” The first stanza, with its driving beat, sets up its theme:
With “Who Cares”, I was thinking about a song where you actually are talking to the people who may listen to it. And in my case I was imagining young fans, or young people who might hear this, and who are going through some sort of problem where they’re being picked on, being put on.
Now it just so happens that this blog has extensively discussed ways to skillfully respond to this type of experience (see 
Who cares what the idiots say
For example, I once worked in a juvenile correctional facility and some of those confined there had, when feeling they had been insulted, violently attacked the insulter. Both of the parties in the exchange ended up physically hurt. Moreover, their physical violence led to the costly consequences of dealing with the justice system. So, relative to the violent approaches, Sir Paul’s is, in my opinion, way preferable.
Although, better than some strategies, here at From Insults To Respect, I’ve been advocating that readers add another tool to their resolving conflicts toolbox to deal with insults. What I mean by this is that I’m not suggesting throwing out of your toolbox the approach Paul’s song describes, for you may, after considering the situation, decide it is the one that makes the best sense. However, by adding to your toolbox the following approach, you may discover that many situations can be handled in a far better manner.
Consider the possible benefits of not concluding right off the bat that the insulter is an idiot. Instead, you seek to transform any disrespect the insulter might have for you into him or her liking and respecting you. This involves taking up the attitude of a detective seeking to find out why the person had decided to seek to insult you, and then using some easy to learn techniques to skillfully respond to what you find out.
The first thing you do with this alternative approach is to shift into your detective attitude. You notice the guy doesn’t appear truly angry, and maybe he has a little twinkle in his eye. You then recall he throws out similar insults to others in a similar manner. 
The detective in you now guesses that this guy likes to throw out insults in a playful way to light a little spark in his relationships. Now that you have this theory in mind, instead of walking away with the attitude that this guy is an idiot, you smile at him, showing him you can gracefully take a little kidding without getting defensive. He ends up also smiling.
Consider another example. This time when you receive the insult, the detective in you recognizes that you have angered the person because you did make some type of mistake. Rather than walking away with the attitude that the insulter is an idiot, you decide, instead, to agree in a caring manner that you did make a mistake, express that you are sorry, and ask if there is some way you can make it up to the person. The insulter ends up appreciating that you are willing to take the responsibility for making a mistake, and respects you more for having done so.
Then, listening in a caring manner to the insulter, and then summarizing what is said shows the insulter you care enough to take seriously what the issues are, and by doing so you can often quickly turn an angry fellow into someone who greatly likes and respects you.
‘Cause you’re worth much more
As I write this, it is a few days before Christmas. The season finds me increasing my tips at restaurants. Somehow, in some vague kind of way, I kind of respect myself for doing so. I wonder why?
I know this first hand because during my Brooklyn College days I drove a taxi a couple of nights each week and during the holiday season people tipped me way better than usual. Is there something about this season that leads us to be more altruistic? There is a research study that suggests this is so.
Written by Mathias Ekström and published in the Journal of Economic Behavior and Organization, 
In the psychological literature, there are basically two types of helping behaviors. The first is viewed as being activated by social expectations; the other—altruism—is viewed as being activated by self-expectations.
Altruism, in contrast, is activated by self-expectations. Information about another’s need leads to the activation of internalized values or norms regardless of external reinforcement. Altruism is behavior that is intended solely to benefit others and not to gain material or social rewards.
My generation was the first to benefit from the vaccine Dr. Jonas Salk came up with to prevent these awful infections, and he was hailed as a “miracle worker.” Later, I hurt my leg in a football game and to my extreme distress, I couldn’t walk on it. The doctor I went to took an x-ray and saw I had broken my fibula. He put a cast on my leg, and three months later, I was starring on my high school baseball team with absolutely no pain. Grateful for preventing polio infections and healing my leg, coupled with the respect others in my community had for medical doctors, I had become primed to think that the same model would be helpful for psychological concerns.
In the courses that taught principles of science, I began to see that the definition of “mental disorder” and the various types of “mental disorders” are seriously flawed. Studies were coming out indicating that doctors looking at the same data about a case did not reliably come up with the same diagnosis. When reliability is low, so too must be validity according to well established principles of statistics. 
Meanwhile, the chemical imbalance theory that had been viewed as support for the notion that these concerns were illnesses just like physical illnesses proved to be unsupported by the evidence. In courses on the history of psychology, I learned that utilizing the medical model for psychological concerns led to lobotomies, shock treatment, and drug treatments that, from my scientific literature review, convinced me that they resulted in far more harm than good.
Although they don’t prescribe drugs as a treatment approach, to their dismay, in order to have a viable professional practice, they are required to utilize the same invalid medical jargon as drug prescribing doctors because insurance companies require for reimbursement a mental disorder “diagnoses.”
In one of my classes I began to learn about Abraham Maslow, who had recently been elected president of the American Psychological Association. Rather than treating people as a bag of mental disorder symptoms, he focussed on identifying people who exhibited the most mature aspects of life, and he looked to see how these developed. He referred to those at this highest developmental level as self-actualized.
From Maslow’s model, a major impediment to reaching the highest level of maturity is not having one’s basic needs met. So, in addition to providing a safe place for my clients to get emotional support, which is one basic need, I also focussed on coming up with my clients plans that can better achieve their other basic needs. For example, when seeing someone who was dealing with poverty, and therefore was insecure about food and shelter issues, we would work on a career development plan.
He then discussed several studies that found life skills and success after the completion of formal education are more closely related to psychological maturity than to scholastic aptitude or grade point achievement. For example, a Ford Foundation study followed for over 16 years a group of “at risk students” who had scholastic aptitude scores about 150 points below average for college students. Estimates of their psychological maturity by counselors and principals when these students were in high school were a more effective predictor of success than their academic record, not only for college itself, but also in the following years.
Finally, Dr. Sprinthall summarized six studies that provide support for the contention that certain education programs can be designed to successfully promote psychological maturity. In all of them, those in the experimental maturity promoting programs improved their level of psychological maturity; those who were not in these programs did not.
Given these findings, I found myself in recent years taking to heart something psychologist George A. Miller promoted in a 
Psychological maturity is “better” in the long run, it considers more variables, and represents more comprehensive cognitive problem solving. Individuals who tend to act at higher levels of psychological maturity can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while acting civilly to people with whom they disagree; they can graciously admit they are wrong when information comes in supporting such a conclusion; they welcome receiving criticism, respond without getting defensive, though they know it can be emotionally concerning for them; they are hesitant to provide uninvited criticism, only doing so when they can formulate it in a way that promises to be specific enough to be helpful, and they do so without insulting tones of voice or name calling; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; they understand that melancholy and anxiety, rather than symptoms of mental disorders, are part of the natural process of addressing concerns about losses and fears; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, and yet to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating a capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical, and beautiful accomplishments.
As you might imagine, people who are viewed as wise tend to be more respected than people who are viewed as foolish. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few suggestions for improving our wisdom.
“Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view. What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”
So, when deciding whether to acquiesce to the opinions of others, remaining silent, or taking up the challenge of presenting your alternative views, consider the wisdom of first assessing if the person you are interacting with has an “open minded” or “close minded” personality.
Therefore, when with people you don’t yet know whether or not they are open minded and you hear them express an opinion with which you disagree, you might want to first assess where they are on this open minded-close minded continuum. This can be easily done by you by first summarizing their opinion, showing an interest by asking a few clarifying questions, and then saying something like, “I heard a different opinion about this topic, and I’d like to get your reaction.” Then, after briefly describing the alternative view, see if the person indicates an openness to discuss this. If he or she starts to get defensive by saying something like, “That’s stupid,” and, “Only idiots think that way,” it may be wise to take the discussion no further.
Notice that with this approach, you don’t initially claim that the alternative position is correct, or that it is something you firmly believe, thus avoiding leading people you are talking with to feel you have attacked them for their belief.
In many social situations, if you find that you don’t enjoy them, it is a simple matter to avoid them in the future. Not so in many workplace situations, or at school where attending is mandatory. Also, when invited to a social party, you may want to keep getting invited to future parties with these folks even if some of the attendees are not your cup of tea. This may be so because you enjoy most of the attendees, or your regular participation at attending provides valuable information about what is going on in the neighborhood.
Then, over the next few days, search on the internet, or go to the library to find some well thought out views on each of the topics by some respected writers. Seek to find some great writers who have different views on the same topic.
When this research is complete to your satisfaction, write out what you want to say about the topic with an eye of balancing short term and long term goals, and how different situations might call for different approaches. Your opening paragraph is best framed as something you can say in a couple of minutes. Finally, have someone you respect critique what you wrote. By doing this, your comments at your social gathering will tend to be far wiser than if you just jump into expressing your opinion without utilizing this technique.
When you do provide your opinion, begin by noting that you have found that different respected authorities have come to very different conclusions on this topic. Be prepared to be able to summarize these different views, but your opening statement is best kept to the one or two minute paragraph that you crafted when you wrote out your entire position, because typically people don’t appreciate a long lecture. If people you are talking with are really interested in delving into the topic, they will make some reply, perhaps presenting an alternative view.
After giving others an ample opportunity to comment, you can then provide more of your opinion in a two or three minute segment. Then, once again, let others respond, and continue in this give and take manner. Present your own conclusions in a humble, tentative manner, while remaining open to hearing critiques of what you offer. Avoid, getting defensive, and if someone raises a good point that you have not yet considered, reply humbly with a statement such as, “I think there is some merit in what you have said.” Then summarize it, and say, “I’d like to give this some thought and then I’ll get back to you.”
Wisdom is a prized characteristic. Avoiding angering close minded people for no substantially good reason is one technique that can raise the estimate of your wisdom. Utilizing the “Summarize and Delay” technique will not only increase how others view your wisdom, it may also very well actually increase your wisdom. In your discussion, avoid coming off like you are trying to humiliate those with different views. Rather, empathize with them, and above all, be kind.
On this blog, we have been exploring the various characteristics that help people earn self-respect and respect from others. Today we focus on one of these–staying in physical and emotional shape by taking a daily walk. It is, of course, true enough that some good people have earned an enormous amount of respect even without bothering to stay fit, but let’s not have such cases deter us from at least considering the value of enhancing our respectability by engaging regularly in this financially free activity.
Just this past week the 
Welcome back to Theme Time Radio Hour, and you will have to forgive me if I sound a little out of breath. I just got back from my morning constitutional. A good walk is important for both body and soul. 
Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.” Aldous Huxley said his father considered a walk among the mountains the equivalent of church going. And the father of democracy, Thomas Jefferson, was known to say, “Of all exercises walking is the best.” 
All the world, and all through history, people have known the benefits and joys of walking. So today we’ll be walking on the air, but we will not be walking on eggshells. If you’re walking the dog, or you can walk on water, or walk on clouds, or walk in rhythm, or just walk and not look back, you are going to enjoy the next hour as we play a musical accompaniment to your perambulations. So, get ready to walk the walk, and talk the talk.
Immediately after this delightful intro, Bob plays us a Jack Scott rockabilly song called “The Way He Walks.” There’s some fine harmonizing on this one.
The average person takes between 8,000 and 10,000 steps a day, and walks about 115,000 miles in their lifetime. Wow, that’s more than four times around the world. 
And then he launches into a great hit by Fat’s Domino, “I’m Walkin.’” Here are some of the lyrics:
The next song Bob plays for us has a similar theme, “Walking by Myself” by Jimmie Rogers.
