Tag: emotional intelligence

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conflict resolution criticism

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY

Let’s say you meet a guy named Pete.  As you begin to interact with him some of his actions begin to upset you.  You say, “Pete, since we met you have yelled at me twice and called me stupid.”  Pete responds to your criticism by smashing his elbow right into your cheek.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Do you think you would like Pete?  Would you respect Pete for acting this way?  Would you want to be friends with him?

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways.  Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism.  This helped me to come up with four different ways to handle criticism.  I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings.  Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
  • Physically attacks the criticizer
  • Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

Illustration by Deanna Martinez4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from ten to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town).  Regardless of their age and where they lived they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

Why are higher levels of responding to criticism viewed as more likable, respected and mature?  Is there a higher level than the level 4 description?  In addition to different levels of maturity in responding to criticism, are there different levels of maturity when it comes to how one goes about providing criticism?  What do we really mean by different levels of maturity?  We take up these questions soon in coming posts.

Assignment: Write two paragraphs about the last time you responded to criticism. Which of the four levels best matches your response? Can you use the four levels to come up with a better way to handle a similar situation in the future?

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
conflict resolution

INSULTING CRITICISM: WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

For the past few weeks we have been thinking about criticism. We noted that one reason that criticism is hard to bear for many of us is because of the way many people often provide criticism.  Because it is often provided with shouting, glares, name calling and threats it is understandable that you might start to get defensive as soon as you begin to hear someone criticizing you.  But these negative actions don’t have to be part of negative criticism.

When these negative actions are used, what is the best way to respond? I recently discussed this with some fellow folks who, like me, grew up in Brooklyn. Some of the suggestions were:

Walk away because they are not worth it

Say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”

Say, “You talking’ to me!”

Say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me.”

Say, “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.”

Roll with the punches. Until no matter what, nothing stops it. Then don’t be nice.

Say, “Your mother.” 

confidenceIn my view, there is as alternative perspective well worth considering. People who are masters at dealing with criticism are confident that they are fully prepared to carry out a plan that can effectively deal with insults. Moreover, they are confident that they can carry out the plan in a manner that will enhance their reputation and protect their personal freedom.

This plan can take a variety of forms. What might feel right for one person might not feel right to another. And so, here I will propose a plan that is just a starting point for your consideration.

The Plan

When you are being criticized in a manner that you don’t like, this is NOT the time to criticize the criticizer’s style. The first thing to do is to model for the criticizer a high level of maturity in responding to criticism.  Here’s what that might look like:

listening 1Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style. Then make it clear that you fully understand what was said. This means that you summarize what you heard and ask if your summary is accurate. Then spend some time showing that you are thinking about the criticism by pausing, perhaps rubbing your chin and asking a question or two to clarify the criticizer’s position. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be correct, make a statement that frankly indicates the ideas have merit and you intend to use them in the future. If you are not sure if you agree, make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, you plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you’ll be ready to discuss this further.  If after thinking about the criticism you feel the criticism is incorrect, make a statement designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, encouraged the criticizer to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

An Example of An Approach I Am Not recommending

After being criticized because you forgot to pick up bananas when you went shopping and the criticizer had said, While shouting “You idiot, you forgot to pick up bananas.”

“Don’t call me an idiot! Who do you think you’re talking to! You’re the idiot.!”

An Example Of More Helpful Approach

After the same negative criticism in the last example you simply reply, “You’re upset because I forgot the bananas,” said with caring in your voice. You now have shown that you have heard the criticism without returning any insults and your tone indicates you are taking the criticism seriously, and you care the criticizer is upset. If you think the criticizer is wrong for the criticism, it may not be the time to point this out. Waiting until a period to calming down might be a wiser choice. But let’s say you had an agreement that whatever was to be picked up at the store would be written on a shopping list, and the criticizer had failed to write “bananas,” you might gently point that out.

Now that you have modeled how to respond to criticism in a mature manner, wait until the insulter has had some time to calm down.  Then you can negotiate from a position of strength. Begin by first asking yourself what you didn’t like about how you had been treated and how you wish to be treated in the future if a similar set of circumstances should arise. Then consider having the following discussion with the criticizer:

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Once you made your position clear, listen to the reply in a caring way. Some of the reply of the criticizer might be negative criticism of the approach that you are advocating. Respond in a way that matches the response to negative criticism that I describe above.

This approach requires practice. I suggest you do it with a friend over three separate times over a three week period. The practice sessions would involve you pretending you are playing a part of a mature person in a play. You may feel at first that the part is not really the authentic person that you are, but with practice it will begin to feel more and more natural, especially if you are convinced that your old way of handling these situations have not been helpful.

You now have had an opportunity to look over this plan. Over the course of the following week, if you will, think about what you like about this plan, what doesn’t feel right to you, and how you would change it.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?

In the last couple of blog posts, I have been trying to make the case that if we are to become wise we will learn to thank people whenever they criticize us, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice because criticism has the potential to make us wiser (see post titled Criticism and Wisdom). If this is so, why do so many of us feel insulted when we hear someone providing criticism to us?  Today we will discuss three reasons for this and why it is important to come to understand them.

The Style that Criticism has been Provided to us in the Past

One reason is that when we think about the times criticism was provided to us, something that struck us as mean occurred at the same time.

Perhaps Ed recalls how, when he was young some bullies would shove and slug him while at the same time criticizing his glasses.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Perhaps Ed recalls how his mom, whenever she criticized him, yelled, called him names, threatened him, and smacked him on his rear end.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

If such negative actions have been paired with criticism often enough, criticism does become associated with uncomfortable feelings.  The feelings and the criticism blend together.

But even if these negative actions were not part of your personal experiences, you may still find yourself feeling insulted and experiencing defensiveness whenever you are criticized.  There are two reasons for this—we have an inherent desire to be liked and to maintain freedom.

Being Liked and Criticism

being likedIt is no secret we desire to be liked.  People don’t only desire to be liked, they desire that their clothes, their appearance and their actions are liked as well.  When people provide negative criticism to us they are telling us there is something about us they don’t like.

Because the vast majority of people have the desire to be liked, it has led some to put forth the theory that in ancient days people who were not liked were banished from the tribe. Those who were banished were less likely to survive in the wild on their own and therefor were less likely to pass on their genes to the next generation.  In contrast, those who were concerned about being liked and therefore worked hard to find ways to become liked were less likely to be banished from the tribe and therefore were more likely to survive.  Thus, the desire to be liked became more likely to occur in the human species.

Maintaining Your Freedom and Criticism

freedomPeople desire to be free to make their own decisions.  When people criticize us, it suggests that they desire that we make some change.  Oftentimes a criticism is provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will.

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do.  I’ll do whatever I want and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.”  This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.  In the conflict resolution literature the feelings and actions that come along with the desire to resist a loss of freedom is often referred to as “reactance.”

Why Bother to Learn the Reasons Criticism is so Hard to Bear

Learning that criticism is a path toward wisdom prods us to seek ways to hear criticism without becoming defensive and to design our criticism of others in a manner that will lessen the likelihood that they will become defensive.  The first step toward this goal is to understand the reasons why criticism is often very difficult for us.

sadnessOne reason we become defensive upon hearing criticism is because the way we were provided criticism in the past struck us as mean.  Understanding this can prompt us to start thinking about how we can negotiate ways to be provided criticism in a more comfortable manner.  Moreover, it can help us to design our criticism of others in a manner that will be better received.

To become aware that when people are criticized their desire to be liked and to maintain their freedom may become threatened can also be very helpful.  There are styles of providing criticism that lesson defensiveness.  Moreover, as we receive criticism, there are styles of thinking and responding that will lead to enhancing our reputation and to protect our freedom.  In next week’s blog post we will delve further into these issues.

ASSIGNMENT: Recall a time someone angrily criticized you. How did you feel, and what did you reply? Now that you have read this post, see if you can come up with a better reply then the one you used. If you can, describe why you think it would be better.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

CRITICISM AND WISDOM

John Stewart Mill

In my last blog post we began to take up the question, “Is criticism bad?”  There, we concluded with a King Solomon proverb that declares that if you criticize the wise man he will love you and become even wiser.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

Now I understand that for many people the idea of criticism is joined with the way criticism has been presented to them over the years.  For many, criticism has come along with shouting, name calling, threats, punishment, a slap in the face, or even worse. It is therefore understandable that for many the whole idea of criticism includes such actions and how they feel when they meet up with such actions.  This blog will soon be addressing the various actions and feelings that too often show up alongside criticism and what can be done about them.  But, for today, let’s see if we can look at criticism without these complicating issues.

John Stuart Mill wrote back in 1859, a brilliant little book titled On Liberty.  There he declares, like the Solomon proverb, that there is great value that comes from criticism.

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

According to Mr. Mill, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, “let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…”  Mr. Mill does not merely declare that this is so; he spends many pages explaining the reasons for his position.  For example:

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so?  Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct.  Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious.  Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.  No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner.  The steady habit of correcting and completing his own opinion by collating it with those of others, so far from causing doubt and hesitation in carrying it into practice, is the only stable foundation for a just reliance on it:  for, being cognizant of all that can, at least obviously, be said against him, and having taken up his position against all gainsayers knowing that he has sought for objections and difficulties, instead of avoiding them, and has shut out no light which can be thrown upon the subject from any quarter—fie has a right to think his judgment better than that of any person, or any multitude, who have not gone through a similar process.”

I suggest printing these words of Mr. Mill out and sticking the printout on your refrigerator door.  Let this be an aid to remind you to reread Mill’s words three or four times over the course of the following week. Deepening your understanding of the principles that exist in these words is an essential step toward learning how to foster respect within yourself, and from others.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
conflict resolution

IS CRITICISM BAD?

In the last blog post, when Marie became frustrated at Carl’s opinion, she criticized it by shouting at Carl and calling him names.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

Carl ended up feeling insulted.  I then criticized Marie’s style of criticism.

Although I know that sometimes people, when criticized, feel insulted, sometimes when I’m doing my counseling routine, I criticize anyway.

Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“Are you saying I did something wrong?!” Barbara shouts.

 

Some say about criticism, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all!  An alternative position is that criticism is the mechanism by which better solutions are found and better decisions are made.

To answer the question “Is criticism bad?” we have to first make sure we understand what “criticism” is.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY CRITICISM?

My handy Webster’s Ninth Collegiate Dictionary tells us that “criticize” means, “1: to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly : EVALUATE  2: to find fault with : point out the faults of.”

You may have noticed that in Webster’s definition of “criticize,” the word “EVALUATE” is in all capital letters.  This is the main idea regarding this concept.  Therefore, for the purposes of this blog, if someone evaluates something as positive, negative, neutral, or any point in between, the evaluator has made a criticism.

Because “criticism” is so often associated with an unfavorable evaluation, to avoid confusion, let’s distinguish between the various types of criticism by using the words negative criticism for unfavorable evaluations, neutral criticism for evaluations that leave the evaluator feeling neither positive nor negative about what has been evaluated, and positive criticism for favorable evaluations.

Some people believe only negative criticism can start a conflict.   But even positive criticism can lead to a conflict.

The Head of a Law Firm Parable

Illustration by Lois Hubertz

Linda is the head of a big law firm.  One day she writes an argument defending one of her clients.  In an effort to improve it before sending it out to the judge, she gives it to two of her assistants, Gail and Henry, and asks them to criticize it. 

A few hours later, Gail returns it to her boss with some red ink marks that point out two mistakes.  In the margins next to the red marks are clear descriptions written by Gail explaining why she views them as mistakes and how they may be fixed.  Linda, after carefully looking over Gail’s criticism, ends up agreeing with her, makes the corrections, and as a result believes her argument to the judge will be significantly better. 

Henry, in contrast, several days later, comes to Linda’s office and says that he has carefully looked over the argument and it is great.  He says, further, that he was unable to find a single fault in the argument, and then compliments Linda on how brilliant she is.  Henry offers nothing but positive criticism to Linda.      

Linda is very pleased with Gail’s work but not Henry’s.  In fact, Linda now believes she has a conflict with Henry.  The conflict can be described as follows:  Linda desires to provide arguments defending her clients with as few mistakes as possible and interfering with this Henry did not find the faults in her most recent argument.  Linda believes that Henry is guilty of acting wrong by providing useless compliments.

In this Head of a Law Firm parable, negative criticism was viewed as a good thing, and the positive criticism led to a conflict.  Hmmm.

In closing today’s post, let’s take a look at what King Solomon has to say on this topic.

Illustration by Jack Star Rubin

“[H]e who criticizes a wicked man incurs injury.  Do not criticize a scoffer, or he will hate you; criticize a wise man, and he will love you.  Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man and he will increase in learning.”(Proverbs 9)

The first sentence of this proverb tells us that a wicked man, when criticized, injures the criticizer.

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

However, Solomon declares that the wise man loves you if you criticize him.  Hmmm.  Let’s think on this for the week, and then, in my next post I’ll return to this topic.

Assignment: Describe a recent time when someone criticized you. Include how you responded in terms of how you felt and acted.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.