Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

This week, I happened to be listening to Paul McCartney’s album, Egypt Station, and the song “Who Cares” came on. There we hear Sir Paul sympathizing with pretty much all of us who, at one point or another, have been picked on. The song begins:

A-one, a-two
Oh yeah

Did you ever get hurt by the words people say
And the things that they do when they’re picking on you?
Did you ever get sad by the games that they play
When they’re making you feel like a rusty old wheel?

Paul’s song responds to this treatment with the words,

It’s been left in the rain
Who cares what the idiots say?
Who cares what the idiots do?
Who cares about the pain in your heart?
Who cares about you?
I do

With these words, Paul refers to those who picked on us as idiots, a response, clearly designed to insult them. He then offers some kind words to those of us that have been picked on, saying he cares about the pain you experienced as the result of being picked on. He goes on to explain why he cares:

‘Cause you’re worth much more
Of that, you can be sure
No need to hide
The love you’ve got inside

The next verse asks,

Did you ever get lost in the heart of a crowd
And the people around keep on pushing you down? (Hmm)
Is it driving you mad and you’re screaming out loud
And you’re wondering who’s going to recognize you?

As the song continues, Paul again refers to those treating you unfairly as idiots. It captures how many of us indeed react to such negative treatment. The song empathizes with those of us treated this way, and it’s uplifting to have someone pointing out you are worth so much more than the insulters claim. However, I have found it worthwhile to take to heart Rudyard Kipling’s views on this topic as expressed in his poem, “If.” There he wrote in part:

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

       And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

With these words, Kipling advocates that rather than responding to those who trash us with hating words such as calling them idiots, we instead learn to trust ourselves while making allowances for those treating us unfairly. Responding humbly also has, in Kipling’s view, merit.

Perhaps the point he was making is, when being talked about in a trashy manner, if you come across as a know it all, and you call the insulter an idiot, this may just rile the insulter up to even a higher level so the insulter ends up throwing even more insults your way. In the box to the right, it is suggested that the person being insulted might do well to respond calmly. I think there is a way to express some sadness when you are being treated in an insulting manner while, at the same time, knowing in your heart that you are not being fairly characterized by the insulting words. Your image of yourself is not brought down by the insulting words. At the same time, the insults are respectfully considered.

To say, as suggested in the box, “I don’t communicate this way. When you’re ready to talk respectfully I’m here.” might be viewed by the insulter as insulting him or her. I’d leave that statement out when immediately responding to the insult. At a later time, if you have a good ongoing relationship with the insulter, and things are calm between both of you for the most recent period, gently explaining how you feel about using insults when criticizing you is not helpful may lead to a helpful discussion.